Gsteiger's Gspace

Resurrected Once Again!

2007-05-21T10:42:00.000-05:00

Okay, so um, it's been a while...lots to tell, lots to tell. It's funny, every now and then I would think of topics to blog about, but then laziness would be the victor. Plus, my password got screwed up in this whole Blogger-Google unholy marriage.

But I'm back!

First of all, Prague and Vienna were both absolutely lovely, and I had a great time raising a ruckus in Europe with my friends. I'm probably just a bit biased in favor of Vienna, given that I can get around fairly well in German. I really miss the European way of life, though...eating pastries, looking at beautiful architecture every time I stepped outside, walking through the locations where major world historical events took place, navigating subway systems in a foreign language. I miss all the adventure and exploration, and since it's unlikely that I'll emigrate, I guess I'll have to go back as soon as possible.

Except now Matt and I are fucking broke. Meh.

I just got through a really nasty period at work where I was working constant overtime and battling ridiculous deadlines, and now there's a lull. I know it won't last, but I'm enjoying it to its fullest, using office time to do things like update my stupid blog, which is covered in cobwebs at this point. I mean, no new posts in nearly three months! Ridiculous!

The good news is that Happy Insomniac will very soon be updated! I'm going to be working with some NEW AUTHORS and am basically just waiting to receive some releases to update the site. Very exciting...plus, I've not quite been resting on my non-laurels at home. I'm still working on a large haiku project, and if that never goes anywhere, well, at least I'll have a shitload of haikus for the site. I've also been venturing into the world of...gasp!...POETRY, the results of which you'll see shortly. As always, I will promise to update more regularly, but I'm still on the "update when I feel like it" editorial schedule.

Meanwhile, you can read some of my haikus in the new issue of Ladyfriend, specifically Ladyfriend #10. I presume that you can pick up YOUR VERY OWN COPY at Quimby's Bookstore or by ordering it through the site. Unfortunately, it seems like this will be the last issue of Ladyfriend for a while, which makes me very sad, as I had actually found a publication that would print my shit!

More to come...no, really, I promise!

--karen

This is why I've been such a bad blogger lately...

2007-03-12T10:16:00.000-05:00

This dog is needy, time-consuming, and sometimes rambunctious and naughty, but I love her so freaking much, I can't even convey! I can't recommend greyhounds highly enough. They are little thieves, but they are very calm and quiet (for the most part). No matter how shitty someone has treated them in their racing careers, they're only looking for some love. They will really attach themselves to you, and you'll find yourself attached to them, to the point where the idea of boarding them in a kennel for a week during your fabulous European vacation is HEARTBREAKING.

If I had room for 10 of them, I'd adopt 12, I swear. Love, love, love these dogs. I spent this past weekend taking Cleo to her training class (where she's successful if she feels like following whatever commands I happen to be issuing), taking her to a dog park to really run, and then yesterday, completing my transformation into yuppie parent by taking her to a greyhound playgroup for an hour.

So that's that, and anyone who has talked to me recently knows how freaking obsessed I am, etc. etc.

Meanwhile, my inbox at work is piled ridiculously high, and I shouldn't even be taking the time to write this post, but such is my committment to ART! I'm still working on my longer haiku project, but I really need to get some new articles and stories posted on Happy Insomniac. Same old story there.

The house is a freaking disaster zone. The EPA is going to have to step in, I just know it! I thought we'd be neater with the dog out of necessity, but she's a mess too, so we're just one big happy family of slobs in Schaumburg.

In 12 days, Matt and I will be going to Prague to visit Lovely Jaime, along with Super-Genius Laura, her Patient Husband, Shawn, and Soon-to-be Rock Icon, Bryan. A side trip to Vienna is planned, and we're all going to dork out at a Nine Inch Nails concert while we're there. (um, don't ask.) I am utterly thrilled and will be even more so if I knew where exactly in our cluttered basement our passports are...

--karen

Busy, busy, busy...

2007-02-12T09:35:00.000-06:00

Dudes! Our dog is coming NEXT SATURDAY, and my mom's 70th birthday is NEXT SUNDAY, and she's staying the weekend, and our house is FILTHY. Help!

I suppose I could have blogged about the Chicago Bears in the Superbowl, but really, there was nothing good to say about it, and I was plagued with food poisoning almost immediately after.

I'm hoping to get some movie reviews up soon on Happy Insomniac, which I've been neglecting lately. Also, I'm working on a big haiku project, which I'd like to get published in some form or another (even if it has to be self-published), so stay tuned for that!

This blog post doesn't so much have a "point," per se, but I thought I'd check in before tackling this huge pile of work on my desk.

More to come!

--karen

A new addition to the family...

2007-01-30T10:14:00.000-06:00

Well, it's been really busy over here, and by "really busy" I mean, falling asleep at 8 p.m. My URLS are becoming more of a misnomer each and every day.

BUT...Matt and I have managed to take care of one of our New Year's resolutions, which was to adopt a retired racing greyhound! Her name is Cleo, and she is a 65-pound brindle female. We found her through Greyhounds Only, a rescue group that has been really helpful and well-organized, and I have only good things to say about them at this point. She interacted with both Matt and me right away, despite all the distractions of the kennel she was at, and she has a very calm disposition and is good on a leash. Today she's going to the vet to be spayed and to have her check-up and shots and all that good stuff. Then she's going to recover at the kennel for a few days. Part of GO's adoption process is to have the dogs fostered for a week or so after their vet trip to get them used to being in a home, with all kinds of new and crazy things they've never seen before, like stairs and TVs and vacuums. So Cleo will most likely be coming home on February 17th. Which is fine because our house is a wreck and we don't have any doggie supplies at the moment.

I can't even believe I'm doing this because I look SO HORRENDOUS in this picture, but I'm so proud of Cleo that I have to paste in our first photo together. My vanity demands that I point out that my winter coat is really puffy, and I'm not as fat as I appear in the pic above. Also, my hair doesn't normally look so bad, but they had us in and out of the cold and snow a few times before we made our final decision. Oh, who am I kidding? My hair *does* normally look that bad.

Anyhoo, Matt and I are both THRILLED that we're finally getting our dog, and I'm sure you'll be getting more overly anthropomorphized blog entries in the near future!

In the meantime, if I don't get some actual work done now, I am SCREWED.

--karen

Why the hell am I awake at 4:30 in the morning?

2007-01-20T04:33:00.000-06:00

Oh yeah, because I was having a headache day today and spent much of Friday asleep. Oh well, at least a migraine was successfully avoided.

Artificially induced estrogen withdrawal...it's not always pretty.

I purposely stayed close to home tonight because I most often seem to develop migraines when I have to be in some sort of moving vehicle. And really, the worst part of a migraine for me isn't so much that feeling that someone has stabbed an ice pick into your frontal lobe, but the accompanying nausea. And barfing only makes your head hurt more.

The worst migraine I've ever had was in Italy, actually. We had spent a wonderful day in Pompeii, but my dumb ass was out in the sun all day long without a hat. So all that time frying my scalp resulted in my getting a headache when I had no access to any kind of painkiller. And I had like a four-hour train ride ahead of me. The headache just grew and grew and grew, and the train ride was endless and nausea-inducing, and I had some time to ponder, should I make a run to the bathroom or just barf in this bag I have conveniently in front of me? Fortunately I was able to make it to the tiny bathroom on the train to revisit my previously delightful gelato, but I suffered until I could get back to our hotel room with all the lights off and a cold rag on my head. And here I just want to extend kudos to Nick Hawkins, who helped me cross a busy street in Rome, when I couldn't even think straight and could barely walk.

If I had to live with constant migraine pain, I'd be looking into euthanasia. Seriously. My poor sister-in-law has these incapacitating migraines that will land her in the hospital for weeks. I think she's been able to keep those under control lately, thank GOD. Compared to her, I am a whining amateur. Because if Excedrin Migraine cures your ills, you have what she calls "a soccer mom migraine." (I'm a devotee of Tylenol Rapid Release, myself.) But you don't ever want to be a member of her club, trust me.

Here's to happier craniums for everyone in 2007!

--karen

I had the SUPERLATIVE pop culture dream last night...

2007-01-17T11:59:00.000-06:00

I dreamt that I was reading an essay by Chuck Klosterman (no, seriously), and he was writing about how Project Runway's Tim Gunn was serving as a style advisor to the Crocodile Hunter. Klosterman referred to Tim Gunn in his essay as "the Frank Lloyd Wright of buttons" and mentioned how Tim Gunn was irritated with the Crocodile Hunter for his fashion sins.

I also dreamt that I was in a huge pet shop with all kinds of exotic animals, including monkeys and foxes. I kept pissing off the monkeys, somehow, who all bared their teeth at me, and I bared my teeth in return. The monkeys went...uh, apeshit every time I glanced in their direction.

When I woke up, I asked Matt, "Does this mean that I would be a bad pet owner?"
Matt replied, "It means that you would be a bad monkey owner."

--karen

Happy Insomniac update!!!

2007-01-11T01:26:00.000-06:00

See, I told you guys!

I've got two movie reviews for you this time:

"Karen Discovers That There Is No David Bowie to Be Found in Pan's Labyrinth"
and
"And Karen Is Telling You...What She Thought of Dreamgirls."

Also, I dug through my archives to find an old short story, which I hope you enjoy, but I always worry that I'm the only one who finds this funny:

"Sincerely, Karen Killer"

Happy reading, everyone!

--karen

P.S. Not to get all Bridget Jones on everyone, but if you swim for an hour and then come home and eat a bunch of pretzels and chocolate, does that cancel out all your hard work? Yeah, I thought so.

Real quick...

2007-01-10T15:42:00.000-06:00

because I do expect an actual Happy Insomniac update imminently...

The one and ONLY thing I miss about my recent days of despair is that my metabolism used to be totally jacked up. After one particular crisis moment, I lost 5 pounds in a week. I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted--and in fact, my wonderful friends were so concerned about me, they'd feed me lasagna and bowls of ice cream--and I'd keep losing weight or, in times of simply moderate misery, not gain an ounce.

Now I can tell you all exactly how much happiness weighs: 8 pounds.

Now I'm trying to get back in shape, to be leaner and more toned, to promote my mental health through exercise and eating right, blah, blah, blah. What it means is trekking to the gym when I'd rather veg out on the couch and eating more Healthy Choice than Adam Sandler in Punch Drunk Love.

But you know what rocks? Worrying about a few vanity pounds instead of heartbreak and loss.

Okay, work and carrot sticks are calling my name presently.

--karen

So recent personal problems and a DVR box...

2007-01-04T10:29:00.000-06:00

have led to me rediscovering the simple joys of television. Particularly, the ridiculously melodramatic competition/reality show. I like to spend some quality time with Bravo on Wednesday nights for Project Runway and, now, Top Chef. I think that what I like about both shows are the nature of the challenges the contestants have to deal with and what they eventually come up with. As my friend Padraig noted about Project Runway, it nicely depicts the creative process with a short-term project that often features various restrictions, obstacles and last-minute twists.

And sure, the trashy drama doesn't hurt. But Top Chef has just become disturbing as of late. One of the chefs, Marcel Vigneron, he of the awkward social demeanor and baffling hairstyle, has become the scapegoat of nearly all the remaining contestants. Unless some manipulative editing is at play, he seems to be subject to constant bullying and adolescent social politics. The others are frequently talking behind his back, often within earshot of him, confronting him, taunting him, isolating him, blaming him, trying to make him look bad in front of diners and judges...it's bizarre behavior in a group of adults and profoundly unsettling. Almost no one, with the exception of Elia, is stepping in to stand up for the guy, and even Elia is not being terribly vocal in her support. It really takes me back to junior high...blech.

Granted, the guy isn't completely innocent. He's said some arrogant things and just seems to rub people the wrong way. But the treatment he's getting is so out of proportion to anything the audience has seen him do. It's mystifying.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm blogging about this, but Marcel just reminds me so strongly of the first guy I really fell in love with. Even kind of looks like him too. And that guy tended to get shit from "the cool kids," which always really bothered me. It just makes me wish I had been cast on this show just to tell the tyrannical clique to shut the fuck up.

Oh, yeah, and the Democrats are taking over today. With a female House speaker! Thank God! I'm not entirely sure how much they're going to be able to get done with Dubya still in office to generally fuck up the world, but it's a good day.

--karen

Today's dose of Schadenfreude...

2007-01-03T09:34:00.000-06:00

So apparently, Macy's hasn't set Chicago's retail world on fire. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

As you may know, Macy's bought and changed the name of Chicago's historic Marshall Field's stores and generally downgraded the quality of the merchandise to craptastic. The latter point I gather from hearsay, as I have successfully boycotted Macy's since the name change. Oh, it pained me--it pained me!--to not have Marshall Field's as my classy one-stop Christmas shopping destination and to avert my eyes from all the Frangos, but principles are principles. Granted, I'm not engaged in a particularly important struggle, in the grand scheme of things, but I do think a corporation should be punished for tarnishing beloved childhood memories and all that.

In my heart of hearts, I hold out hope that Field's will one day be resurrected, but I doubt it. So much of that whole State Street area that was so exciting and delightful to me when I was younger is gone, replaced by gazillion dollar condos. That's all that ever seems to get built in this city anymore. What I always wonder is, a) How many people are there out there who can buy $700,000 one-bedroom condos? b) At what point are there more $700,000 one-bedroom condos available than anyone could possibly afford to buy? I just envision an empty ghost city filled with unoccupied $700,000 one-bedroom condos, layers of dust covering the immaculate white drywall and bamboo hardwood floors.

--karen

Happy New Year!!!

2007-01-01T19:57:00.002-06:00

Hi everyone!

Well, of course, the month of December just tends to fly by in the self-induced frenzy of the holidays. I managed to get all the Christmas shopping done, decorate our first REAL Christmas tree (7 feet tall!) in our new home, and host the Steigers' annual Christmas festivities (with an omnipresent sinus headache). Then I had a week off from work, during which I had hoped to get the kitchen painted but during which I mostly spent lying on the couch, watching TV. I will say that I've finally seen the inside of my gym lately, though, which is a step in the right direction. Then a joking suggestion to go to Medieval Times for our New Year's celebration turned into the Most Dorked Out New Year's Ever, but we had a wonderful time with my good friends, Laura and Padraig. Wacky fun with board games at like 3 in the morning, and then a nice brunch today during which my nutrition goals were...um...postponed. It was "Breakfast with Trent" this morning, as my friend Laura was kind enough to burn the NIN concert documentary "Closure" to DVD for me, so while I enjoyed scones and mini egg frittatas and Sam's blueberry baked French toast, I got to watch Trent Reznor grab his own ass in his tiny leather shorts and wreak backstage havoc in quasi-Spinal Tap moments. Good times!

All of this, of course, has prevented the updating of my website (what was that called again?), but I'm sure you'll all be THRILLED to know that writing more frequently is at the top of my list of resolutions this year. And we all know how set in stone those are. Still. Here's my list of things to get done in 2007:

1) Update my dusty old website and write the Great American Novel.
2) Become lean and mean in preparation for my trip to Prague and Vienna in March. (Because right now I am flabby and retaining water)
3) Work on my German and Italian, so that I can remember vocabulary like "asciugamano" and "Ueberraschung."
4) Get the fucking house in order...it's been like a formidable nemesis ever since last June.
5) Get my greyhound. Feed it and walk it and stuff.
6) Try not to ignore my poor chinchilla who is housed directly behind me in the computer room.
7) Be a better phone friend.
8) Maybe do a jigsaw puzzle or two...they're very calming.
9) Bake more often...although that kind of compromises Resolution #2.
10) See more artsy movies in the theater and write reviews of them.
11) Floss every night...before my dentist hands me my ass.

So there you have it. Normally I would add something like "Get more sleep," but seriously, I have been the worst insomniac lately. Apparently, all I needed to get more than an adequate amount of sleep per night was comfortable furniture. If I sit on our new couches for more than five minutes with the TV on, I'm out like a light for several hours. If I lie down on our new bed, I'm instantly asleep for the night. I guess I'm catching up on all the sleep I missed in my 20s. See, check it out...I'm not the only one! (And that's my silly news story of the day)

All righty, I have to get to the gym and do some swimming now.

--karen

What was that I was saying...

2006-12-04T15:17:00.000-06:00

about things looking up? Well, sadly, on November 26th, my wonderful mother-in-law, Roberta Allison, passed away at the age of 60. This is such a huge blow for me, my husband, his family, and anyone who knew her. She was quite possibly the loveliest person I have ever known, and I could not have asked for a better mother-in-law. I know that people can have such contentious relationships with their in-laws, so I have always felt nothing but profound gratitude that I married into such a terrific family.

People usually speak highly of the very recently deceased, but to be honest, there are not enough good things that could be said about my mother-in-law. We recently sat down with friends and family and the minister who will be officiating at her memorial service to talk about her better qualities, and these are some of the things that were mentioned...all 100 percent true. She just had the biggest heart and an unending supply of caring and compassion. You could call her for advice or just to talk any hour of the day. She had such a wonderful sense of humor, and I will always miss the dirty jokes and anecdotes that used to scandalize me so. She was very committed to what was morally right and just without being judgmental. She had such enormous love for all the members of her family, and she did such an amazing job raising her sons. If I ever have kids someday, I will constantly be thinking of all the things she's taught me about parenthood, even though she was never pushing me to produce grandchildren. I miss her so profoundly, and I'm certain I will always miss her profoundly, but honestly, when I think about her and her voice and her hugs, I just smile.

I don't know if I could ever achieve her patience and stoicism in the face of so much pain. Through her I got to see a really nasty side of diabetes. Such a terrible disease--it brought her constant pain to her hands and legs, affected her heart, her lungs, her kidneys, made her legally blind and caused her to have countless eye surgeries...countless surgeries in general, come to think of it, eventually took away her ability to walk, and was one of the factors that took her away from us way too soon. She had been in the hospital since September 4th with a nasty condition called panniculitis, and there was just one complication after another after another after another. We thought that her health was improving, and I thought she'd be home by Christmastime, but that was not meant to be. She developed a lung infection, and she was just worn out, physically and spiritually, and we had to say our goodbyes. UGH. And through all this, I can honestly say that she never complained. Sure, she'd tell you what was hurting and something was always hurting, but she was never bitter, never blamed anyone or anything.

It's going to be hard getting through her memorial service. It's hard to even comprehend what her loss means...I sometimes just don't even know what we're all going to do without her. I think of Thanksgiving and Christmas and summers at the lake in Michigan, and it's hard to accept that these times will never be the same again. The world in general is a lot less warm and understanding without her in it. I'm so grateful for the memories I have with her...I just wish there could have been so many more.

Sigh.

I guess I'll write something of some substance some time. Eventually.

--karen

I am officially OLD

2006-11-21T10:04:00.000-06:00

Okay, so perhaps when I said that I was going to write and blog more, I didn't quite intend "monthly," but dudes, the past couple of weeks have been out of control at the office. I've just been doing a lot of crazy overtime (in the office til 2:30 a.m. on Tuesday!) and basically sleeping when I'm not working.

But I'm happy to report that everything feels 5,000% better in my life as of late. Personal problems seem to be resolving themselves nicely, and I've started on anti-depressants, which have just been wonderful for me. I can't believe I never tried anything like this before. Such a mood-booster, even if they make me kind of complacent. And sleepy. Yawn. I feel so in touch with my generation...today I officially start my 30s, I'm white-collar, and I'm on anti-depressants. Whoo.

Yes, I am officially OLD today. 30! Actually, I'm not so angst-filled over it. Life is actually looking up in a real way for the first time in about a year...that's something to celebrate. Plus, my friends treated me to a fabulous party last Saturday featuring a photo scavenger hunt at Lincoln Park Zoo and dinner at La Creperie, my favorite restaurant in the city. Tonight Sam is taking me to see Morrissey, and really, is there a better artist to see on one of those depressing milestone birthdays? And tomorrow I'll be blowing out the candles on the birthday cake Matt is getting for me, AND he sent the most lovely roses to the office today.

PLUS...I'm seriously so stoked, everyone. In March I will be visiting one of my VERY FAVORITE PEOPLE ON THE PLANET in Prague, and we will be dorking out superlatively seeing Nine Inch Nails in Vienna. OMG! Everytime work is sucking or I'm stuck in traffic, I just think, Prague and Vienna...Prague and Vienna...Prague and Vienna...I seriously can't wait. The only way the prospect of this trip could be any more exciting is if we can convince another of my very favorite people on the planet to join us. We shall see...

All right, I've got to apply nose to grindstone. My ass is going to be WORKING all Thanksgiving weekend. In between gorging and turkey-induced naps, that is.

--karen

OMFG...she lives! Happy Insomniac lives!

2006-10-14T16:25:00.000-05:00

Yeah, it was about fucking time I updated.

I'm just going to paste this in from a message I sent to our mailing list because...well, it's a lot of links.

Two new authors!

Carrie Cahill gives us a new poem, "Alone"
Laura has written two haikus: "Married Life Means" and "Where the Hell Are We?"
Learn more about Carrie and Laura here.

Meanwhile, we have EVEN MORE haikus for you!
I'm going to bum out and possibly alarm everyone with "Haikus on Depression." (Long story short, I'm still trucking. No worries!)
But Mandy will lighten up the mood with her haiku cycle regarding her quest for corn muffins.

As for me, well...it's not been the most stellar couple of months, but I've got to pick myself back up, you know? It's all well and good to be a writer in despair as long as you're writing, right? So I'm going to try to make Happy Insomniac updates a little more of a regular gig. And maybe take an interest in the world around me and blog and shit.

Things that have been keeping me going...

Trent Reznor
Tall, skim chai at Starbucks
Season 3 of Project Runway (Go Uli!!!)
Internet abuse at work
My secret wonderwalls (you know who you are)

Come to think of it..."My secret wonderwalls" sounds kind of dirty. Like Prince and Sheena Easton with their "Sugar Walls." But rest assured, I'm referring to the Oasis song.

Ummm...I dunno...I just woke up from a nap a while ago, so I have that sort of headachy/numb face feeling, and I can't really put two coherent thoughts together. But this is pretty good for one day, huh?

Later, skaters.

--karen

Yet Another Sign that All Is Wrong with the World...

2006-09-04T09:38:00.000-05:00

OMG, the Crocodile Hunter died! And taken down by a stingray? I can't believe this! I feel just profoundly disturbed. Matt and I would always watch his show together pretty much every time we saw that it was on, and it was always about him cheerfully taking the stupidest risks and getting away with it every time, and he was all endearing enthusiasm and exuberance. And then he loses his life to an animal that you can pet at Sea World (minus poisonous barb, of couse)? I just can't believe this!

I feel just awful for his poor family, who, thanks to Animal Planet, I'm sure most of us feel like we know. I've been in his kids' shoes (well, except for the stingray part), and that kind of an experience at that age really changes the course of your entire life. Not necessarily for the worse...but it just fundamentally changes you as a person. I'm glad that his life was so well documented that they will at least get a chance to know him as he was, but that's still so sad.

And I think of all the tyrants and horrible murderous people out there, alive and kicking, and I ask, how can this possibly be fair? You've got a guy who dedicates his entire life to educating people about nature and trying to preserve and protect animals and their habitats, and he's got to die at such a young age? I mean, yeah, he spent most of that life picking up poisonous snakes and jumping on enormous crocodiles, but he wasn't even really screwing around that much this time! It reminds me of my friend Tina, also an avid environmentalist and just all-around kind and decent person who died instantaneously of a brain aneurysm at the age of 26.

WTF, God? I mean, with everything in the world and my personal life turning upside down and not in a good way, and Steve Irwin dying in a freak accident...WTF?

--karen

I'm not dead...

2006-08-22T13:33:00.000-05:00

just a bad blogger, and look, I'll save you the paragraphs and paragraphs of self pity at my current state in life. Also, blogger is really acting up today in a bad way.

What I will do is point you to this:

Jane Magazine is apparently having some sort of contest(?) to get Sarah, some cute and perky 29-year-old alleged virgin laid. Distasteful? Yes. But the best part is checking out the current contenders of lovely lads Sarah will get to spend some time with.

Contender #1: George isn't bad looking, claims to make a decent salary, has a shit-eating grin.

Contender #2: Awwwwwwwwww yeah! Joe here is the reason I even bothered blogging about this nonsense! Not only does he look like a classic douchebag, but his account of his first time just tells you...this guy is all about the romance! "She was older, hot and very aggressive. What really makes it a great "first time" story is that she was deaf. Maybe that's why she was being so loud...she couldn't hear herself yelping and moaning." OMG, Sarah, this is the man for you!!!

Contender #3: Dan, currently reading "The Little Prince," which is endearing but otherwise seems pretty boring.

Contender #4: Jason, from the "Hunter S. Thompson" school of fashion. Tells Penthouse fantasy version of virginity loss. Claims to have deflowered one woman, but "she was a delicate flower, and nothing broke." Ick.

Contender #5: Daniel. Strangely intense-looking, and not in a good way. Probably thinks he's showing off his eyes, but he's giving me serial killer vibes. Plays the bagpipes, though, so there's a point in his favor.

Contender #6: (Jesus Christ, how many of them do they have?) Noam, an attractive, boring neurologist.

Contender #7: Dustin, so far Joe's only real competition in sleazy douchebaggery. Pictured with beer, natch. His strategy to put her at ease for her first time? "Get us drunk." Rock on!

Contender #8: Evan. Oh no. Just...no.

Contender #9: Diego. His pic is a little too dark for my work monitor, but my work monitor sucks. Craziest thing that's ever happened to him? "Date rapist had the same name as me." Hm.

Contender #10: David. Craziest thing that's ever happened to him? "A hot girl once made out with me on a bed." Whatever, he's so totally a virgin too.

There are apparently THOUSANDS of men applying for the position of "virgin surgeon" in the public eye, but I'll only address one more...

Contender #11: Mike, who would clearly be a good time.

I'm not sure how much I'm going to keep up with this process of elimination for poor Sarah, as it makes me feel as though I'm going to revisit my lunch in an unpleasant way, but kudos to her for volunteering to lose her virginity in what is quite possibly the skeeviest and most humiliating way EVER.

--karen

Back to pop culture nonsense!

2006-07-20T10:30:00.000-05:00

You know, I never like it when artists don't take criticism gracefully. Well, I should amend that, I never take criticism gracefully...I am usually filled with a sense of wounded indignation and defensive pride. But *you don't say so in public*. Yes, I'm talking to you, Kevin Smith, after your (let's be frank) tacky tirades against film critic Joel Siegel, who walked out of a Clerks II screening. Sure, Siegel is lame, and it was unprofessional of him to make a comment while theatrically departing. But it's hardly like he interrupted some Gospel reading at Easter services at the Vatican. Just let it go. Be happy that someone lame hated your film and found it so offensive that he couldn't bear to sit through another minute. As you yourself said, Kevin, it's a "badge of honor." But stop the public carping and griping. It makes you look like some thin-skinned asshole.

Maybe it's just that I sat through college and grad school writing workshop after writing workshop, where any fellow student has the right to take a potshot at your work in front of everyone else, and you just get to sit there with a frozen smile on your face. Most of the time, though, I realized that 90% of the people discussing my work weren't taking potshots at all...they were trying to be helpful. And when I got over my sense of wounded indignation, sometimes I would realize that they were right about my story. Granted, there were some people who wanted to showboat at the expense of others, but they were few and far between, and if you just let it go, no one remembers it by the end of class.

Would a little decorum kill anyone?

--karen

I feel kind of guilty...

2006-07-20T01:37:00.000-05:00

for blogging almost exclusively about the non-events in my personal life and other silliness and not commenting on how the world is fucking falling apart at the seams. But honestly, what's to say? If there's one less person out there publishing an opinion on Israel, that's probably a good thing. I mean, honestly, I do wish it would stop; I'm pissed off at my government for sitting there with their collective thumbs up their asses; there's assholishness and brutality on all sides of every conflict that's raging right now; and I feel nothing but sympathy for all the people caught in the middle, no matter what their nationality or religion.

In an attempt to be a slightly less anxious person than I am (it's practically a pathology at this point), I've been trying to get some of the weight of the world off of my shoulders, piece by piece. I mean, I don't want to advocate apathy and obliviousness, but at the same time, there's not a goddamn thing that Karen Gsteiger can personally do right now to defuse the nuclear tensions in Iran and North Korea. And I'm working on accepting that and going along for the ride.

--karen

Thank you, sweet Jesus!

2006-07-12T09:32:00.000-05:00

That Q101, one of the better radio stations in town, has dumped super-annoying conservative shock jock Mancow from their morning lineup. Now that Q101 is playing better music these days, it was such a drag for them to devote like four hours every morning to that tireless blowhard. He talked and talked and talked and talked and pontificated and talked. Good riddance to bad rubbish. When they do put together some sort of morning program, I just hope that MUSIC is involved.

In a freaky development--a Blue Line train (my El line of choice) derailed and caught on fire yesterday. I'm just happy that no one I know (that I know of) was caught up in that mess.

Um, very little progress is being made at the house at the moment because...well, I don't really know. I think our new house has a sort of soporific effect. I walk in the door, and I'm ready to go to bed for the night. I'm hoping that will change once we have some entertainment in place...TV, computer. Also, I think I'm sleeping so much to avoid all of the painful chores that lie in wait.

I do have a new author waiting to be published on HI. And I'm eager to get back to writing myself, but I've got to be patient and wait for the husband to get the computer up and running. The whole internet situation at home has been a lot more complicated than we had anticipated.

--karen

Meh.

2006-07-05T16:47:00.000-05:00

The nth bitched-out post in a row...sorry.

Well, my husband and I are finally all in one place--the new house! It took us 30 hours of solid moving to get the job done, no thanks to the dead battery in my husband's Jeep the day we absolutely had to get all of our shit out of the apartment.

What a nightmare! I don't even know how we did it...driving back and forth on an hour's sleep. I can tell you, though, that that is the LAST time we move ourselves in our own vehicles. Movers, movers, movers.

Right after moving, Sam and I went to go see Peaches/Bauhaus/NIN, which was a glorious end to a dreadful day. I'm not quite sure how I was able to stay awake for it, but somehow I managed. Unfortunately, Trent Reznor did not ask me to be his concubine because I would have said YES. Anything to end this relocation hell!

Now, I just have to face the dreadful mess at home.

A new Happy Insomniac update will be coming shortly...as soon as we get our computer at home hooked up. I haven't given up the dream of writing yet, although the combination of work and moving has made jumping out of a tall window appear to be a very attractive option.

--karen

Slices of suburban life...

2006-06-26T14:59:00.000-05:00

So we have taken our computer apart, and I probably won't have internet access at home until the end of the week, which has me trembling and breaking out into hives.

Meanwhile, every last thing at work is pissing me off to the point of violence today. People and their goddamn inability to put things in the right fucking format...is it so much to ask people to just do things right the first time so that I don't have to spend hours of my life fixing these easily preventable problems? ARRRRRGGGGH.

Sorry about that.

Meanwhile, here are a couple of moments of Suburban Life for you.

1) Matt was at our new place painting while the HVAC guys were cleaning out our ducts (filthy!) and servicing our air conditioner. The cable guy was there at the same time. The cable guy reported to Matt that some woman started bitching to him about something the HVAC guys were doing...something about hoses or cables...we never got a specific account of her grievances. The cable guy told Matt that this woman was taking pictures of our house and threatening to report us to the association. And we haven't even really moved in yet! Matt went outside to try to talk to her, but she had gone. So I don't know if we'll get flack over this in the future. The ironic thing is that Matt and I, being the amiable sort, would have been happy to help her with anything that was bothering her if she had just come up to the door and asked in a civil tone of voice. But no...sigh. We don't know who this woman is or where exactly she lives, but the next day we were moving some stuff in and saw some woman taking pictures of the street. We guessed that something about people's parking was disturbing her. So great, it appears that we have The Bylaw Police living on our block. I swear, if this becomes a daily thing with her and her camera, I'm getting a fucking restraining order. That shit Creeps Me Out.

2) I was painting the living room and happened to look out our sliding glass door in the front only to see 4-5 baby skunks hanging out right in front of our door. Matt suspects that they're living in a gap under our front porch. Cute as the dickens and I'm normally a fan of wildlife, but I want those stinky bastards removed immediately. If we wind up getting a greyhound, as is my heart's one true desire, that's the last thing I would like to see him/her chasing. It just sucks because it's not like you can just say "Shoo!" and wave a broomstick at them to chase them off. Or you could, but you would dearly regret it, I would think...

--karen

Yep, still alive...barely.

2006-06-20T12:05:00.000-05:00

You know, although I do love my insomnia, I am getting kind of tired to see 4:00 a.m. and think, "Oh, I still have more painting to do or an hour more of office stuff to do."

This has got to be one of the most unpleasant months of my entire life.

Anyway, enough bitching.

An interesting update to the story of the 16-year-old American girl who ran off to the Middle East to meet her MySpace boyfriend.

You know, maybe I'm starting to become old and not as technically adept, but how on earth does anyone fall in love on MySpace? You've got the average profile with a lot of shit all over the page and some random music playing that you can't figure out how to turn off. The person puts up a basic profile and a bunch of pictures of him/herself posing with groups of people looking ecstatic at parties. That person has about 5,678 "friends" who all leave comments like "Call me...i miss u!" and "Class of 2006--whoo!" and post ginormous animated avatars.

It would be like falling in love with someone outside of the "Total Request Live" building.

Call me cynical and unromantic, but UGH.

--karen

Insomnia rising...

2006-06-13T00:24:00.000-05:00

[cue the violins]

Okay, so lately I've just been feeling really overwhelmed, and confidence and self-esteem have been pretty low. I'm living in chaos in two different locations at the moment, and work is kicking my ass at the same time. And there's pretty much no reprieve til, oh, July or August. The husband is overworked and cranky, and he keeps finding fault with our new place, so he's feeling pretty defeated as well.

What's more, lately I've been getting just insanely sleepy at 8 or 9 every evening and then wind up falling asleep until, oh, 2 in the morning, rendering me absolutely useless for an entire night. What the hell? Where had my dependable insomnia gone? I couldn't get to the gym...I've been eating a lot of crap...and I've just been kicking the crap out of myself mentally.

Well, folks, the time is now 12:27 a.m. I did a shitload of work at the office today, fucking scrubbed our bedroom walls for a couple of tedious hours, made it to the gym (while doing more work at the same time), and now I'm wide awake and ready for a little more.

I don't think I even hate myself as much as I have the past couple of days.

Ladies and gentlemen, hopefully I'm not jinxing myself here, but I may just be getting my mojo back.

About goddamn time.

--karen

Hmmmm...

2006-06-08T09:39:00.000-05:00

Well, I can either keep up the radio silence or bitch and moan about how work and moving are preventing me from blogging/writing.

Wait, it's not so much the work and moving as the laziness.

Some friends and I saw An Inconvenient Truth on Tuesday evening, and I heartily recommend it to all. Even if you're aware that global warming is a problem, the implications of the statistics you are shown will shock you. The film also made me yearn for a President with eloquence who cared about such things. I try not to think about how things would be different had Gore or Kerry won the elections. The 2004 Election was just devastating to me...it took me a long time to recover my energy and enthusiasm for political issues. This film has helped. It'll be really hard to change the habits that we've all grown accustomed to in order to make an individual contribution to solving the global warming crisis. The good news is that just about everything you can do to help curb global warming--like driving less, turning off the lights and other electronic appliances you aren't really using, using more energy-efficient appliances, etc.--will also help you save money. Now that my husband and I have had our "cashtration" in buying our first home, saving money while helping to save the planet doesn't sound like such a bad idea. I'm not fooling myself, though. I think the only thing that's really going to solve this problem is legislation, and the current administration doesn't even seem to believe in global warming.

Just one of the many, many reasons that the upcoming elections in 2006 and 2008 are so important. I don't know about you, but I don't know how much more of Republican leadership I can take.

--karen

The Day the Humor Died...

2006-06-03T11:27:00.000-05:00

So I just got done with a big Salon.com rant (one of many), and lo and behold, their readership hits a new low.

I don't know if any of you have read The Best Page in the Universe, which has been run by "Maddox" for years. His reviews of children's artwork bring me to tears every single time. His persona is that of crabby, profane, chauvinist, know-it-all, and he is fucking hilarious. I guess he's written a book now, The Alphabet of Manliness, and he had the poor judgment to be interviewed by Salon.com.

The interview itself is a little disappointing...I'm not sure if Maddox had trouble deciding whether to talk in terms of his persona or be more serious, but he kind of comes off as an inarticulate, noncommittal douche in some places, saying things like, " I'm not sure the feminist movement accomplished all its goals. People today have a backlash to the feminist movement. The [figure] who is remembered when you think of feminism, by people who haven't studied it, is the [un]shaved girl burning her bra, standing on campus screaming at everybody. That's definitely not a positive image. I think the feminist movement went a little too far. But a lot of things have changed for the better from the eras of segregation and huge racism and the civil rights movement. " Uhhh, way to take a stand on that! Also, he doesn't have a very good answer as to why it's okay to poke fun at women but not, say, black people. (Never mind the fact that women, like myself, have no problem making fun of men.) He doesn't respond with his usual egotistical certainty, which is yet more proof that his whole "I'm right, and you're not" schtick is...just that. Schtick. Beyond that, he seems well-meaning and a little confused in that libertarian sort of way.

But anyway, the "letters to the editor" section has just gone absolutely berserk with accusuations of MISOGYNY and BOORISHNESS and OPPRESSION and UNFUNNINESS. Oh, the humanity!

I think that I have amply demonstrated my feminist liberal cred, and I think the guy's writing is hilarious in that "equal opportunity offender" vein that is very dear to my heart. A guy who takes on Bush and Bill O'Reilly and anti-immigration types can't be that much of a Neanderthal. Not all of his articles are spot-on hilarious, and sometimes he does resort to a Man Show kind of humor, but it's not like he's advocating the revocation of abortion rights and denial to access to birth control and keeping track of our phone calls, so people need to just chill the fuck out.

Jesus.

--karen