banjeroo

dreams in the age of publicity

2009-04-12T14:14:00.003-05:00

I dreamed that I had accidentally gotten on the wrong bus, a school bus instead of a city bus, and that all the passengers were Ojibway. It turns out they were heading out to a field just outside town, where they were going to have a healing circle (I don't even know if this is a done thing or where my brain got this from. The details were vague.)

When we got to the field, we all piled off the bus and I tried to explain that I'd ended up there by accident, but nobody minded, and they invited me to join in. I politely declined, and it became clear that I had to just wait for them to be done so I could take the bus back with them.

However, I urgently needed to pee.

There were some buildings behind the field, tall brown brick, and as there was no activity around them I assumed they were abandoned. There's gotta be a good spot to pee over there, I thought.

As I approached the side of one, I realized that I could see in through the windows, and discovered that they were retirement homes, full of white-haired people in flowered armchairs watching television. It did not occur to me that I might walk in the lobby and ask to use a toilet. Instead, I tried to find a spot outside where I could pee where I would not be visible to any of the residents.

I found such a spot, I pulled down my pants and emptied my bladder.

Then I heard a laugh and looked to my right. Crouched very nearby, there was a young guy, maybe 20, wearing a ballcap, with an easy grin on his face.

Alarmed, I pulled up my pants fast and he said "No no, don't worry. That was cool!"

I smiled politely, and said, "Uh, thanks... I'm going to go."

"So cool," he said, "That I'm totally posting that on YouTube!!" and he waved his fancy phone in my direction. I noticed another guy was with him, also laughing.

"I'm going to call it 'Woman Urinates Behind Building'!" and they both laughed, waggling their phones in the air. When I looked back, one of them was filming my piss running down the walkway.

You know how this ends:

I woke up, got out of bed, and peed.

I don't know why it works, but it does

2009-03-19T11:37:00.001-05:00

Me: I feel blue

Him: i feel: 83, 160, 213

Him: ...but that is because i am a cylon

Him: something to cheer you up: Lesley asked me a Thomas' B-day party if I had a bucket list

Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHHAAAAHHAAAAAAAAA

sit! stay! paw! other paw! gooooood boooooyyyyyyy!

2009-03-14T11:16:00.002-05:00

Hey, I saw a very funny New Yorker cartoon. The title is "Bloggers without Borders" and there's a guy on a street corner with a megaphone, and he's yelling out "You want my latest opinion about the President? How about my opnion of Japanese enzyme baths. Or breakfast wraps--you need to hear what I have to say about breakfast wraps!"

Also, why is the first chapter of Cesar Milan's book "Cesar's Way" all about himself and how great America/Jada Pinkett-Smith is? Just get on with the Dog Magic, Cesar.

So as you can tell, I've had trouble blogging lately. Maybe I'll try a little harder to resuscitate this "bloated corpse" as a favourite IWF called it.

who even wants to know

2009-02-04T20:57:00.003-05:00

That my dog eats tissues. I just fished one out of his gullet now, using sweeping motions and my longest fingers.

I forgot how to log in

2009-02-03T10:41:00.002-05:00

Also, how to use a computer in general.

Hey, all I have to tell you right now is the other day I did a high-kick in old jeans, and I ripped my pants in the butt. I guess those jeans are for the rag bin now. Or Saturday night at The Lafayette.

Also, I taught my 63-lb poodle how to do taxes. He's really good at it. Want him to do yours?

Also, I have a New Yorker Cartoons desk calendar and one of the best captions so far is "But I hate su casa."

things on my bookshelf that maybe shouldn't be there

2008-11-12T08:30:00.003-05:00

- blonde wig, shoulder-length bob, straight bangs
- plastic produce bag with a round piece of soap in it
- box printed with image of a set of encyclopedias - in the box, nothing

Hey, if you want to laugh your ass off, go listen to Margaret Atwood reading "Payback" on CBC's Massey Lectures. I'll try to find the link later.

She reads in this unbelievable monotone that will slowly loosen your grip on sanity. Plus she's whip-smart and very funny.

I know you are but what am I?

2008-11-09T13:12:00.002-05:00

Well, looks like I missed two days. Whoops.

I know it's really childish of me but I'm still really enjoying Sarah Palin, even moreso now that she's back in Alaska where she has little influence on how things go in the rest of the world. What a nightmare she would have been in Washington.

Most recently, I dearly love how she responded to the allegations that she didn't know what countries were in NAFTA or that Africa was a continent. All in the same semi-coherent, rambling sentence, she defended herself against the people who burned up the phone lines to CNN, calling their actions "immature" and "unprofessional"... just before she calls them "jerks". AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA. Pot!! Kettle!!!*

I'll be over this soon, but it really made me giddy to see her lose after she was part of such a low-down dirty campaign and after her many nauseating displays of ignorance and arrogance.

--------------

* Fortunately, I'm more than happy to own up to the fact that I'm immature, unprofessional AND a jerk.

got to run, have a date

2008-11-06T18:21:00.003-05:00

So tonight's post will be an easy one:

AHAHHAHAAHAAAAAAAA

-------
Update: I hasten to humbly add that Canada isn't any better.

I really enjoyed this

2008-11-05T21:32:00.005-05:00

Yeah, the Newsweek Special Election Project.

This is my favourite part:

The debates unnerved both candidates. When he was preparing for them during the Democratic primaries, Obama was recorded saying, "I don't consider this to be a good format for me, which makes me more cautious. I often find myself trapped by the questions and thinking to myself, 'You know, this is a stupid question, but let me...answer it.' So when Brian Williams is asking me about what's a personal thing that you've done [that's green], and I say, you know, 'Well, I planted a bunch of trees.' And he says, 'I'm talking about personal.' What I'm thinking in my head is, 'Well, the truth is, Brian, we can't solve global warming because I fucking changed light bulbs in my house. It's because of something collective'.

\

And oh god oh god oh god the rumours that he might appoint Robert Kennedy to head up the EPA are AWESOME. That'd be like getting our own amazing Elizabeth May (who utterly spanked all the other party leaders in the national debates) set up as Canadian Environment Minister. Imagine! A smart, qualified, articulate, proven environmental activist in charge of a national environment portfolio!

(I know, Chomsky, I know, it's still politics old-school, but for now it's all we've got.)

Incidentally, I also really enjoyed this, AND the fact that I found it by googling images for "monkeys flinging poo":

yayayayayayay!!!

2008-11-04T21:35:00.003-05:00

OK, maybe it's premature, but I'm excited.

I was trying to explain to a friend the other day how growing up as a kid in the Trudeau era in Canada (and to give credit, with parents like mine) meant that you were inundated with visions of a racism-free, hopeful, country where things were fair, generous and kind - no not just country - WORLD. Being a kid in the 70s was on the tail of all that socially revolutionary stuff of the 60s, and we were told that we were free to be you and me, that it was fine for boys to have dolls, that being gay was no big deal, that colour of the skin means nothing.

But then you grow up a bit more and you see that while that's what we supposedly want, it's mostly white dudes in power, with women few and far between, being gay means you often get treated like a pariah, and you get to see how race IS an issue despite all those dreamy ideas we had (and have).

As I write this, Obama has 196 electoral votes, and McCain has 163. But Obama is leading in 96 electoral votes that are still undecided, and McCain is only leading in 26.

This might sound kind of corny, but I'm not only FUCKING OVERJOYED for every non-white kid who has felt subconsciously - or consciously - that they can't REALLY be President or Prime Minister or whatever the hell else they set their sights on, and is now (hopefully) having that psychological barrier shattered, but I'm fucking overjoyed for everyone else. It's about time!!!!

but I am LE TIRED

2008-11-03T21:08:00.002-05:00

Trying to post every day in November. I can't possibly have any remaining readers, though, can I?

Dog is at my feet, chewing at a once-stuffed plush rabbit that he has carefully turned inside out. He finds a way to bite its remaining plastic bit slowly with his front teeth, so that it sounds like nails on a chalk board.

I can't think of anything else to write. Pour me some wine, please.

let's stay sprung

2008-11-02T23:07:00.002-05:00

Sprung forward, that is. What the hell with the sun now setting at 5PM or whatever? Why can't we just leave it as 6PM? I'm not into falling back.

Speaking of falling back, please, America, don't elect McCain/Palin on Tuesday. I was in Europe in 2004 when you elected Bush for a second time and you would not believe how stupid THAT made you look. Everyone else in the world looked on in horror. I just don't get how so many middle and working class Americans end up voting Republican, when Republican policies FUCK OVER the middle and working class.

dude loves playing christ figures when his moses robes aren't around

2008-11-01T20:37:00.005-05:00

WTF? We bought like 150 mini chocolate bars and only 6 kids came to the door.

So we kicked in the pumpkin, turned out the lights, threw the dog's dinosaur costume in the garbage, and went down to the basement to watch that asshole Charlton Heston in The Omega Man.

Our friend Bord Goner just got back from Vancouver, and he showed up just in time to help us talk through the entire movie. With a movie like that, you can't help but shout out inane commentary. It helps pass the time.

"Jeez, Charlton, put your shirt back on. No one wants to see your hairy man boobs. I mean, GOD! I think he's been shirtless for like, two-thirds of this thing."

"I hate his decor. He might own masterpieces but it's just wall clutter if you hang it like that."

"Imagine the zombie trip to the fabric store when they were putting together their new undead outfits. 'I'm looking for something black and sinister, but with some shimmer and texture. Something that really says "The FAMILY!"'"*

Welcome back, Bord!!!!

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* I don't know how to blog the enthusiastic jazz hands that go with that last bit.

dogface

2008-10-26T17:08:00.002-05:00

I'm going to try blogging again.

In the last month I:

- started a new job
- got my puppy's balls snipped off
- took the puppy to the vet again two weeks later after he got bitten on the ear by some dork dog in the park
- shacked up
- still volunteering quite a bit tutoring the great kids in a so-called bad neighbourhood and doing lots of ESL stuff with the mamas over there, who are such amazing ladies (haven't written about that yet, but I've been doing it for a year and a half now)

Things are good, but busy. How are you?

Anyway, that cute little puppy I got at the end of March is now SIXTY POUNDS. His name might officially be Atticus Finch, but more often he is called:

Coo-coo
Atti-coo-coo
Dog
Doggler
Lloyd Doggler (you know, like Lloyd Dobbler in Say Anything)
Doggins
Dogginsala
Dogginla
Dogface
Monkey
Monkey-doo
Monkler
Monkler the Funkler
Monkler Funkler Bunkler
Boy Yo Yo
Prince of Dogness (because he's black, and occasionally Satanic)

The list goes on and on and on. It's ridiculous and will most assuredly get worse. Exhibit A: the other day, I was out in the park and he was running around and being cute and I called out to him: "Come on, Baby Bo-ooyy!!"

Baby Boy?

Baby Boy!?!?!

I looked around furtively and was grateful to discover that I was alone and no one within earshot. If there had been I would have given notice on my house and moved to another town.

worst jobs

2008-09-07T14:01:00.000-05:00

Mr. Able: i worked for my dad once

Roo: how was it?

Mr. Able: he paid me 10 pounds to scrape barnacles off of about 200 planks
how was it? it was absolutely fucking horrible
you can't imagine the smell
and barnacles? they don't WANT to come off

Roo: jesus
that is hilarious and awful

Mr. Able: yeah
that and gutting whelks are probably my two least favourite jobs ever

Roo: what the hell are whelks?

Mr. Able: large shellfish
you have to remove their gut cos it is full of sand
so you squeeze them until the end of the gut pops through the skin, then grab hold and yank it out

Roo: oh god
that's disgusting
in the worst job ever category, A and my friend Chris McC always tells of a biology student who got a job masturbating rats in a lab

Mr. Able: frankly wanking rats would be a doddle compared to gutting whelks

Roo: hahahahaaaaa

Mr. Able: i bet they have rat wanking sticks or something

Roo: I think he had to use his fingers
my friend Graham had a job working in the field as a bio student and he had to milk red squirrels

Mr. Able: whereas whelks? you have to pull the guts out with your fingers

Roo: grasping their tiny teets between forefinger and thumb

Mr. Able: and they are slippery!
jesus

Roo: fuck, that whelk job takes the cake I think

Mr. Able: you can milk anything with nipples

Roo: hey
I want to post some of this convo
on my blog

Mr. Able: do it do it do it!

Roo: ok

Mr. Able: i remember blogs
are people still writing those things
how quaint
i can barely keep up with tweets nowadays
my brain is fucked

making myself sick

2008-09-03T10:12:00.003-05:00

Hi there, legions of readers! (?)

So I never really watch TV anymore, but yesterday I discovered that my rabbit ears pull in the channel that airs The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Thank you, Jebus! I also glutted myself on the new 90210 and feel inexplicably good about that.* Finally, at about 1 AM I watched Barack Obama's acceptance speech online, because I thought I should get caught up on that sort of thing.

Well, it was nice to hear something hopeful. See, this last weekend I read most of Shake Hands with the Devil: The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda by Romeo Dallaire and just got so profoundly depressed about the world and how crappy humans can be.

Also the ice shelves are breaking off in the Arctic now, too.

So. ELECTIONS IN THE USA, eh? Here's my quick assessment:

- McCain = the man does not even know how to use a computer **
- Palin = hahahahahahahahaha ***
- Biden = you'll forgive me that as a Canadian I am only figuring out who this guy is now
- Obama = it's about time we had someone with a "funny name" in power****

We're facing a shitty, shitty election in Canada soon too. Why shitty? Because Stephen Harper, our gross little Prime Minister knows the Liberals under Stephan Dion***** are weak, and is ready to strike and take over the country with a conservative majority. You just KNOW that he'll stop being all "right of center" as soon as they've got the win in the bag and go all super right-wing. Bleh. And I know I'm not the only one who thinks he might be an alien in an ill-fitting rubber human suit. Hello: Stephen Harper's majority. Goodbye: our water tables to the oil sands, arctic ice shelves, programs that help people who are struggling, health care, etc. etc. etc.

So I'll vote Green and hope for the best.

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* Which just seemed to go on and on. (How long was that premiere, like three and a half hours?)

** But then, George W. had never left the United States before becoming President. JESUS, AMERICA, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? How is anyone going to understand the finer points of statecraft when they have never really grokked that there are actually other places in the world, and heck, even different cultures, like.

*** But dear god, if they get in, say goodbye to ANWR, and all else that is even close to holy. Still, at first I was all depressed about her, because you know, at first glance she seemed to fill in all the McCain side blanks and have some broad, if reactionary appeal, (far from Washington/Bush cabal, supposedly anti-establishment, young and maybe slightly more tuned in, etc. etc.). But now I think it's just hilarious because she's so unbelievably underqualified. Then again, on that same note: GEORGE W. BUSH.

**** From my few years of studying Arabic (I am so not kidding) Barack is one way to transliterate the word "blessing", related to baruch in Hebrew. That's a lot of pressure, but maybe he could live up to his name even a little? Also Hussein, his middle name, is related to the word for "good" but as these things go, there have been quite a few good as well as quite a few not-very-good Husseins in the world. Anyway, I know that he has speech-writers and stuff, and a lot of it is simply rhetoric, but it was just so pleasant and heartening to hear someone saying the things he said.

***** Who? Yeah, EXACTLY. Dion's very smart and would be a good PM, but I just don't think he can win an election against the swaggering bully Harper. Why do people vote for assholes? Why does gentle and thoughtful come across as "weak" in the political arena?

If I Twittered, this would be a tweet

2008-09-02T20:22:00.001-05:00

My puppy finally shat that tissue he wolfed on Saturday.

I've seen the future

2008-08-20T15:56:00.002-05:00

Roo: god I just watched the footage from the men's tri
goosebumps
it is so great

DS: I haven't watched a minute of the olympics.

Roo: it's all online, who needs it live
if I just get goosebumps watching it KNOWING the end result

DS: True

Roo: in fact, soon all of our experiences will be menu-driven
and delayed gratification will be a thing of the past
especially once we are part robot
and can experience six things at once
with our new AI brains
our AI auxiliary brains

DS: File, new project, baby
Import to: female

Roo: you've got it

DS: Export from: vagina
Share with: world

Roo: yes

DS: Bad command or file name! Earth does not support human/goat format.

Roo: not yet, anyway

I fought the lawn...

2008-08-14T10:32:00.005-05:00

...and I might have won, although the clouds of fumes spewed from the mower and inhaled by me probably shaved 6-8 months off my life.

What I have learned is that if you spend a total of 45 minutes at your house in the course of a month*, things are bound to go to hell on the domestic front, signaled partly by the development of a suffocating lushness in the yard featuring towering milkweeds, knee-high grasses, and grapevine runners with leaves as big as dinner plates. I found two guys back there who didn't know WWII was over, and I reunited them with their families. But first we watched a bit of the Olympics, which was a nice way to stimulate some interesting discussions and help get them up to speed on present day geopolitics.

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* and during that 45 minutes, do nothing but PANIC!!1!

let loose from the bonds of earth

2008-08-13T10:36:00.004-05:00

Hi there!

I have a few entries to work on and I'll aim to get them up soon. Have just returned to my home, which is a pigsty.

Do you have some cream for my coffee? Thank you.

xo
Roo

p.s. Don't worry about it - in desperation I just added some vanilla yogurt* to my espresso. Espresso acidophilo. It was kind of a bad idea.

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* It is the best vanilla yogurt in all the land.

21.6 Kbps!!!!!

2008-07-30T09:00:00.002-05:00

Wh00t!

I'm at my parents' cottage where there's no high speed, no cell reception. Just painfully slow dial-up, a southerly breeze, air that smells like sweet fern*, and many low-lying bushes laden with wild blueberries.

Atticus has learned how to eat berries off the bush, but his oral assault on the bounty has not prevented us from gathering liters and liters with only a little bit of 90% pleasant effort.**

Got to run, I have to put on some socks and read my book. Hope my readers are having a good summer! I'll try writing more in August.***

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* An actual type of plant, not my own sentimental adjective applied to "fern". Also, this is one of my favourite scents in the world, so if you want me to love you, roll in it and then hover near my nose.

** 10% unpleasant due to the few horse flies and deer flies that are strong enough to battle the onshore breezes. This 10% can be reduced to less than 2% if you are wearing a sticky deer fly strip on the back of your Cedar Hill Trailer Park trucker hat. Record trapped so far = 13 of those winged bitches! (My sister gathered them on her run down a dirt road.) Nice work!

*** Likely starting mid-August.

church on time

2008-07-21T11:32:00.005-05:00

Of course everything was chaos, but somehow we managed to get my sister to the bride's hotel at the designated hour so she could fulfill her bridesmaid duties. Where is the church again? we asked, as she sprung from the car, hair wild, dark circles under her eyes, dress and shoes in a bag under her arm, (also, wedding speech unwritten, and two hours until the ceremony).* Right down there, she said, pointing. We could see the spires. Just remember Saint Paul's - think of your friend Paul S. she said, and shouted thanks over her shoulder as she ran toward the hotel door.

My sister had just come off a week of little sleep, moving to a new place, massive work deadlines, and a red-eye flight across the country from Whitehorse, Yukon to Montreal, Quebec.

We took the two hours until the ceremony to get a quick bite, nap for a few minutes, shower and get dressed. We also were shamefully short on sleep and not in our finest form, but with me teetering in red heels and a crisp new shirt on him we looked sharp enough. We headed out the door, glanced at the time: 23 minutes to get to the church.

Out on Avenue de Parc, we tried to hail a cab. No luck. After a few unsuccessful attempts, a pretty red-headed woman noticed and told us, "You want a cab? There is a stand down there on Fairmount", and off we went.

By the time we were in the backseat of the taxi, we had 12 minutes before the ceremony. We told the driver, St. Paul's, down near the Delta Hotel, we have 12 minutes.

"That's not far. I can do it," he said. We soon learned that he had taken this as a personal challenge.

Have you ever witnessed Montreal driving? We experienced the following:

- tires squealing, repeatedly
- impressively excessive horn use
- up on two wheels around a corner, the two of us flung brutally to the side door, which fortunately held shut
- cutting off someone at high speeds by six inches or less, every 4-9 seconds for the entire 12 minutes

Grinning and flushed with adrenaline by now, we became concerned when, in this unfamiliar city and speaking in very rusty French (or Franglais, more like), we whizzed past the spires we'd been looking for, which we spotted several blocks away.

"Excuse me, but I'm pretty sure that's the church back there that we're looking for."
"What?"
"I'm pretty sure we're going in the wrong direction."
"St. Paul's! St. Paul's in Old Montreal."
"No, it's St. Paul's near the Delta."
"There is a Delta in Old Montreal."
"No, we want a church called St. Paul's near Sherbrooke."

Stony silence as our cabbie pulled a U-ey and raced back up the street, lurching to a stop at a red light.

"How am I supposed to know! No address, just St. Paul's! There is no St. Paul's church."
"I'm so sorry, we gave you terrible directions. Can I please look at a map?"
"..."
"I don't see a St. Paul's... Shit shit shit. Oh! She must have meant St. James. Could she have meant St. James!?"
"..." **

After breaking most laws (traffic and otherwise) in the next two and a half minutes, (just short of gunning down pedestrians with unregistered firearms, I'm pretty sure), we screeched to a halt in front of St. James.

The only way to run in 3.5 inch heels is to bend your knees and get down low. It's not graceful - you look like the Minister of Silly Walks crossed with an orangutan, but if you need to move, it's much better than the little mincing steps you're otherwise forced to take.

Up the steps, and I swiped a program from the usher at the door. The right names were on it, so I ran back to the top of the stairs, gave my friend the thumbs up so he could throw a fistful of money at the cabbie and run to meet me.

Air on the G-String (sorry to report that I was so tired and frazzled that it is only JUST NOW as I am writing this that the hilarity of that title is suddenly clear)*** was playing as we snuck as inconspicuously as possible into one of the pews. We barely had time to mop the sweat from our brows before the procession began, and there was my sister, stunning in a strapless dress, looking miraculously as though she wasn't the least bit tired, and then the bride, looking like a 1930s movie star.

----
* But she is brave, articulate, and fast on her feet, so we were not too worried, even if she was.

** This is where I am quite sure he was quietly cursing us as the worst têtes-carrées to ever disgrace his automobile.

*** Think, for example, of whistling on a blade of grass between two thumbs, as my friend has just suggested, incredulous that it has taken me nearly 48 hours to clue in.

summer time summary so far

2008-07-11T08:59:00.004-05:00

PART 1 - COFFEE BOOZE SUGAR

Did I ever write about that great documentary I saw years ago where this father-son team of crazy evangelists with identical blonde slicked back hair and light blue suits were going around doing some CRAZY Jebus preaching in the south and collecting money from hapless desperate people?* They were so ridiculous and over-the-top insane, I couldn't tell if it was a mockumentary or for real until like, an hour in.

At one point the little kid is preaching to a congregation of people**, and a man busts in, drags his wife out of one of the pews, and yells at the boy something like, "you've been brainwashing her, this is bullshit, you keep away from her, you stop stealing from her!!!" and the whole sermon event comes to an abrupt and awkward end. Then the camera follows the boy preacher backstage and records the kid, who is clearly shaken, giving himself a pep-talk as tears roll down his cheeks and stain the front of his baby blue collar. He sobs, rocks his upper body and stares at the floor, muttering a steady stream of supplications to his Lord in a thick southern drawl. Suddenly he clenches his little fists and says fiercely, "Get AWAY from me Devil, you ain't never done nothin' but LIE to me Devil!"

Well, as my friends and family know only too well, that has pretty much been one of my favourite lines IN THE WORLD ever since. I have discovered a multitude of applications for it and invite you to do the same.

Try it:

GET AWAY FROM ME DEVIL, YOU AIN'T NEVER DONE NOTHING BUT LIE TO ME, DEVIL!!!!!!!

It's the best!

So that has been my mantra in avoiding caffeine, sugar and booze for the last oh, three weeks.

And here's the basic update:

Coffee

doing pretty well, although I still crave caffeine every single morning
the withdrawal headaches subsided a week ago
I am drinking an espresso right now

Booze

I made it through a whole hot sunny weekend at the family cottage/cabin/whatever you call it without drinking a drop of alcohol and didn't miss it, living only on wild blueberries, burgers and lime juice
yeah, your cold beer looks tasty, but I am just going to go jump in the lake instead! Now that's refreshing, hahahaha!
went to see some live music outside, including Calexico, and someone had to finish that last little bit of vodka in the freezer, didn't they? Yes, they did.

Sugar

DEVIL! DEVIL! DEVIL!
it's like my own personal Ramy al-Jamarat, and I am still successfully lobbing stones at the three pillars of white sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, and glucose***

Seriously though, I just want coffee to be an occasional treat, like this morning, and I feel so much better not drinking very often that it will be easy to keep that in check.

PART 2 - THE REST OF LIFE

getting over my mental block that I'll never learn how to sail**** and went toodling around in the old Laser with a great friend in fairly high winds, having little or no comprehension of what I was doing, with no greater calamity than dumping several times and getting a scorching pre-cancerous sunburn on my thighs
taught my coo-coo puppy how to swim, helpful for the summer because he's black and gets as hot as the earth's core on sunny days
contract recently slipped through my fingers very unexpectedly, (client postponed the whole project possibly indefinitely) so it'll be beans and rice for a while! Ah, I'll be alright for the summer, but if you're one of my 600 friends getting married in the next three months, you might well be getting a home-made gift, like a table runner made from my poodle puppy's shorn fur, or a misshapen platter constructed from dirt and clay dug up from my back yard and baked in my bottom-of-the-line Sears Kenmore oven.

---------------
* I don't have a problem with Jebus, I just have a problem with the crazies.
** who may very well have been zombies
*** just a general analogy, no offence meant to any Muslims of course
**** honestly, I just can't hold that rudder straight

Sweet tapdancing Christ, hold my hand for this

2008-06-27T09:36:00.004-05:00

Come on, it's overcast skies and it has been rainy for days and I'm so tired and I WANT COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Could you hear me whining from over there?!

OK, it's time for some rational analysis.

PART A

Finish this sentence:

Coffee makes me feel...

...ALIVE ALERT HAPPY SMARTER THAN I REALLY AM FULL OF TIGER GROWLS READY TO LIFT TRUCK OFF BABY ME HULK ME HULK HAPPY

...also eventually more anxious, jumpy, moody, prone to useless rumination and fretting, plus I also tend to put on weight a bit when I drink it because it messes with my insulin and blood sugar, making me feel hungry more often.

PART B

When I'm not drinking coffee I feel...

calm, grounded, drowsy.

CONCLUSION

Is decaf okay? Can I just smell yours? What if I just swish it around in my mouth and spit it out?

Atticus is a hump machine

2008-06-25T21:48:00.002-05:00

I was thiiiiiiiis close to cutting out his nards myself tonight. (Snip! Snip!) The humping - and by this I mean humping the toys, humping the couch, air humping - is reaching new, unforeseen and generally unnecessary heights. I tried to chasten him by ripping out his inner ear hair,* with negligible results.

He is also getting huge, and I don't mean his little grape-sized testicules,** so he's getting heavier to toss to the other end of the sofa when he starts his ridiculous mechanical thrusts. Because his legs are so long, when he tries to hump the bunny, he's mostly grinding the air three inches above its head:

Picture taken from here.

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* Don't look at me like that, you have to do this with the long-eared hairy breeds or they get ear infections.

** Best pronunciation and spelling. Use it. Abuse it.