dzcowart

Me the Patient

2009-07-03T22:44:00.002-05:00

Watched the "English Patient" tonight with Helen & Maggie. It is too excellent for words.

I feel like I don't know what to do with myself. It's a holiday weekend and I am not sure quite how to relax. I thought about riding up to starbucks, but talked myself out of it b/c I have coffee and things to do here at home and so don't need to go anywhere. Sometimes my practicality annoys me.

Or maybe I'm just afraid of doing something new.

Ha!

2009-06-08T08:25:00.002-05:00

Saturday the van died, with Helen in it, on Post St., near the curb.

Not near enough.

Sunday Maggie and I had to go get it out of impound at the towing companies lot. They happen to be closed on Sunday but would come out there if we were there. We waited about 50 minutes for them.

Maggie towed it home in the jeep and I drove the van... very stressful... very very stressful... it was noon and every church in the world was getting out.

We got home and pushed it into the driveway... a passing guy on a bike helped us push it we were having too much trouble and we were both running out of energy.

We spent the rest of the afternoon watching movies, napping and relaxing. I made taco's for dinner.

Sunday morning I was debating if I should get the van before or after church, I remembered the parable of the guy with a bull in a pit on the Sabbath. Jesus said that the guy would go get the bull even though it was work(you're not supposed to 'work' on the Sabbath). I figured getting the bull was pretty important, since Jesus mentioned that it was the normal thing to do. I am glad I got my bull, otherwise it would have been another night's billing for the towing company.

I am also pleased with how positive Maggie was through the whole ordeal too. She was awesome and a big help and wonderful moral support. She kept me up with her drive and spirit. Even afterwards that evening she was happy since things had turned out well. I was still tied up with how we're going to do things from here out and worrying about bills and money, etc. She made me remember, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt. 6:34.

From the NIV: Matt 6.

25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 28 "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. "

I am still worried about things and am making plans, but tempered with the knowledge that God does what he does and will take care of us. God willing those plans will come to fruition for the better and if not, that's ok too.

Saturday's....

2009-05-02T23:12:00.002-05:00

I've got to find something to keep me occupied.

Otherwise I either go shopping or end up cleaning. The shopping spends money we don't have and the cleaning is crap I could live without.

Long Long Long Week...

2009-04-27T08:42:00.002-05:00

So I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for some test results.

Once I know them I may have to readjust the flow of my life.

Of course these are someone else's results.

And another someone else's test.

But I get to wait.

Another Short update...

2009-03-23T08:29:00.002-05:00

I am about a third of the way through the game Overlord... it's good, but it gets boring. There is a lot of running around and smashing things, and there are monsters to kill but it sometimes seems either overly easy or overly hard and in the middle you just spend time running around. I'm gonna try to finish it though...

I spent most of this weekend cleaning. The house was a mess and I wanted to change things around. Two days of cleaning and moving later, the office is much better setup and the back room is now a reading room w/ big comfy chairs and a nice view of the back yard.

Our AC motor is broken and when I get paid that's where most of my paycheck is going.

We captured the kittens that had been living in the garage. We're feeding them and going to put them up on Craig's list once they get a little bigger. For now though they're living in my office and seem to be fairly happy. Our other cats though are not happy w/ the intruders.

Short Update:

2009-03-09T09:02:00.003-05:00

Got to go see the "Watchmen" movie this weekend. Was good, left you with a kind of let down feeling though.

Restocked on supplies.

i'm getting sick of cooking & cleaning.

I got some Olivia Series V cigars this weekend too. They are good.

Maggie accused me of playing Warcraft all the time this weekend. What's funny is that I haven't played it in a while, well less than usual. I've gotten kind of burned out on it and so I've been trying to read more. I did get some new games this weekend though; Left4dead, bioshock and overlord. Roughly equivalent to; zombies, underwater zombies, and evil minions.

I am thinking of switching rooms again. Mine is getting too hot. Two PC's and a laptop generate a lot of heat.

Back on topic... so I actually agree w/ Maggie, I have felt dimensionless as far as what I do. No hobbies to speak of and no big outside activities. I had hoped the Food Rescue bread runs would be good but only doing them once a month isn't really enough. Also, with Helen and Maggie gone most weekends, it's not easy to go of and do anything. Helen would be mad if I did something exciting without her. So I'm poking around again for things to do.

In the meantime, I'm doing yard work. I'm starting some sunflowers that I hope to plant close to the light pole out front.

Sermon notes

2009-02-23T13:26:00.004-05:00

Well not notes, but doodles...

the Pastor started focused and then the ADD hit and he started to wander and then finished fast... meanwhile... after his wandering started I began to doodle on my church bulliten. I did the cat for maggie and helen. I did the cross next for myself.

and then

I was trying to be entertaining to myself and for a little girl sitting beside me. She just plopped down w/ an angry face next to me. Seems like she was getting teen-angst early. So to kinda comfort her and just to entertain, I showed her my doodles and kept going w/ 'em. It was strange and I wondered about the impression her parents would have... but they looked slightly angry or disinterested too. She did laugh at some of my doodles, and at the spider that really did crawl into the ladies purse in front of us. She frequently went back to angry face though. After the service she took off, which i expected, no need to hang around when you don't want to be happy.

No real update....

2009-02-18T09:36:00.002-05:00

Things are pretty much the same as last time. Worried about money, job, life, work, etc. It has turned mostly warm enough now that I can ride my motorcycle to work more. That's been fun.

I think it may rain this afternoon though, i'm not looking forward to that.

Kodachrome

2009-02-09T11:47:00.004-05:00

A dream:

I was walking in Africa w/ a talk black man. We were walking down roads walled by wooden fences and guarded by 10-year olds w/ AK-47's. They were the children conscripted by the various warring factions to be the new fighting troops. One of them was staring off into space tugging on his lower lip with his finger, and cradling his gun. Everything was dirty, brown and weathered. "Kodachrome, give us those nice bright colors," I sang to my companion. He wanted me to sing, looking for comfort & some sense of solace. He and I were worried that they would shoot us for no reason, not that any was needed. "they give us the greens of summers", I faltered not knowing the words, and mumbled a bit, the fences became the high walls of those used to funnel cattle into a slaughter house. "momma don't take my kodachrome away". We were joined by a white guy dressed for business casual, I sped up to join my companion, I didn't want to fall behind and we kept singing while walking, "Kodachrome..."

I woke up tired this morning, like I'd really been walking & stressed out. That's not too far from the truth, I have been supper stressed lately. Financial worries of course. I don't think many people are not worried about that right now. I hope they'll be over soon though. Helen finally has some steady income and most of our bills are just the bare essentials now. That should hopefully keep us steady until we're more back on our feet.

The biggest problem in dealing w/ this kind of stress is the insecurities that pop up. Did I do this right, should I have done that instead, I shouldn't have settled down here, that kind of thing. I am not a regretful person, but I find these regrets keep popping up in my head circling my brain like vultures plucking away my hopes & dreams.

So, a couple of things have helped me deal with them. One, I talked about it w/ a friend, not about the details of what was going on, but how I was feeling. I wasn't looking for advice, just a shoulder to lean on. Second I know that this isn't the end of the world. It sucks but it's not the end of everything. Keeping that in mind helps. And finally, God has a plan for this too. I think this plan sucks, but it's his plan and he knows what's going on. I don't.

Ok, that's not a couple, but perspective and having someone to talk too are really the best things I can suggest to deal with this.

Cold! A $18 dollar weekend.

2009-01-12T09:49:00.003-05:00

Rode my bike into work this morning. Froze my ass off in the process. It was a little too cold for motorcycling. It should warm up by this afternoon though.

Really sleepy, and just plain tired.

I spent $18 on two books this weekend. I'm not close to them right now, so I can't remember the titles, but they are part of a series called, "The Horus Heresy". They were good mind-candy. Set in the universe of Warhammer 40K, they are describe the Warmaster Horus and his decision to turn against the Emperor of the Empire(Impurium?) of Man. Definately a downer though b/c by the end of the third book(I already had read the first one), only 4 people escaped and all the warrior heroes up until this point were killed off. Oh and uh spoilers btw. Well unless they bring them back in the 4th book, but surviving an orbital bombardment wouldn't but a stretch for these super-soldier guys.

It is interesting though from a faith aspect though. The Emperor is a human but has been genetically altered to be perfect/immortal. Warmaster Horus as well. People are starting to worship the Emperor as a God, and there are 'miracles' to go with the worshipers. Horus starts his campaign against the Emperor b/c he feels that Emperor is seeking to become a God and that he has abandoned the Crusade. The Crusade is the war to bring all worlds under the domain of Man and establish the rule of science and technology as the only true 'religion' and that everything else is barbaric superstition. Horus though unknown to him is being corrupted/lead by the gods of the Warp, a sub-fabric of space&time, where chaos holds sway.

From the humanist perspective, the emperor worship as a divine 'perfect' human seems right b/c humans are the pinnacle of evolution therefore a most perfect human would deserve worship. Other things I don't understand though, a devotion to doing things for some ideal of the Crusade, that science & technology have all the answers (or at least most of them). Working in science I know that's not true, really it always leads to more questions. It seems though they've gotten their science far enough and put a stamp on it as "good" and therefore don't need to expand on it any more. It was strange reading, a totally alien (to me) way of viewing both religion and science, leading to a way of life dedicated to killing people.

It was an entertaining way of spending a weekend though, 2 books, for $18.

Back again...

2009-01-05T11:07:00.005-05:00

After a long & relaxing holiday break I'm back! Well I've always been 'here' but just not posting much. I have been doing more small updates on facebook, which makes me do fewer blog updates.

I had a good time w/ Dad working on our next feature. It's taking a long time to edit since it involves a lot of shots.

I had a good vacation that was really relaxing. I got a chance to start cleaning the house and that really helps my mood. I think that getting rid of the clutter that had built up helped me work through the stress I was feeling at home. I just felt like i couldn't relax b/c there was so much junk sitting around. I plan to work on my office next.

It is filled w/ junk from moving and there just isn't a lot of working space. So that's my next project. I also can't decide what to do w/ my DVD's. Consolidating those would give me the shelf space I need.

It's funny to see Maggie w/ a CD case full of DVD's. I did that with my CD's. I dumped the jewel cases and just used a cd carrier to hold them all, but I put all my DVD's on neat shelves in their cases. It just seems that the valuable thing to me, the DVD's, got setup nicely on shelves while the CD's that I just used occasionally got filed away. I don't think I have a universal truth buried in there, but I just wanted to note it.

Of course several hard drive crashes ago I lost most of my CD data files, so I have to re-rip them anyway so I can listen to them on my ipod. Also, I've got all of Helen's CD's (she had way more than me) to rip as well. So a lot of CD ripping is in my future. Well I was thinking of making a PC for music to attach to the stereo.

Present time almost here!

2008-12-24T09:03:00.001-05:00

Woot! Almost time for goodies!

Making Movies!

2008-12-14T09:55:00.002-05:00

We're stars...

So after watching the guys from Loading Ready Run drive the Desert Bus, I thought that it would be a good idea to start some kind of show. So doing something creative is cool, but content is king, I needed something to actually video.

I thought of Dad's mini-talks that he gives occasionally and recognized here was good stuff that should be recorded anyway! So I called him last week and set about video'ing one. So our first video is up at Bluefishvideo.blip.tv.

I used an iSight camera attached (via firewire) to my macbookpro and a Cannon Powershot IS3 for the close-up view. Both cameras recorded everything (in 1 take). I then edited the videos, splicing them together, in iMovieHD on the Mac.

Changes for next time...
* I kept each audio track with its respective video track, next time i should just use one of the audio tracks consistently through the video.
* More editing pauses, with Dad talking consistently I was forced to make some hard cuts/uneven cuts between views, so that made things more difficult when editing the tracks together.
* Multiple takes, reading the above line makes me think we should do multiple takes, but we're running without a script anyway so every take would be different... I don't know about that one.
* Some shots worked better with one camera, and some better with the other one, I need to probably replace the iSight with another Cannon. I was really impressed with the Cannon, it worked great for this.
* Make the text into separate images, the iMovie software disappointed me here. It had no function to just drop a block of text on top of currently running video. I could make it on the lower corners, or scroll it up starwars like, or have it scroll over the video segment but no just plain overlay of the text itself. I think I may have to switch to final cut pro for that (i think we have that but it's on the iMac).

We now, as many great producers, I have to go buy a new overflow valve for the toilet since ours has slowly stopped working... I can feel the fame now. :-)

Angry face pouting

2008-12-08T14:47:00.002-05:00

;-[

I've got an old firewall box here with some paint on it that looks like that. I go through moods like that too.

No More Desert Bus

2008-12-04T11:09:00.002-05:00

Well the Desert Bus is over. I really enjoyed watching these guys & gals, it was the best "reality tv" show ever. They raised over $70K for the Child's Play Charity. A great event for a great charity.

I started putting books on bookshelves last night. I finally got my room straight enough to start the process. I also need to sort out DVDs too. Well I guess I need to sort the books as well right now they are all mixed together. I like getting DVDs for some reason... I really don't know why. no I don't have a bluray player or anything. I think thumb drives with DVD movies on them will replace DVDs not more disks.

'eh more later.

Desert Bus for Hope 2: Bus Harder!

2008-12-01T13:56:00.002-05:00

Hi all, there is a game called Desert Bus in which you drive a bus from Reno to Las Vegas. And that's all. You don't stop for gas, you get one point for reaching the end of the road and then you turn around and go from Vegas to Reno. If you crash you get towed back to where you started and have to start again. Your max speed is 45 miles/hour. AND THE GAME IS IN REAL TIME! So you play it forever...

So for the Child's Play Charity, some guy(and gals) are filming themselves driving the bus from Reno to Vegas and back. You can watch them at desertbus.org. It's fun because you can watch them talk back to people asking them questions in a chat room while one of them drives the bus. There is also a bus cam where you can watch the road go by. Be warned they've been up for quite a while now and are a bit loopy...

Still Alive

2008-11-26T10:03:00.002-05:00

At work feeling like crap w/ a headache that won't go away. I have not been getting enough sleep recently. We're planning to take a trip down to visit some friends in G'ville tomorrow. I hope the van holds out ok and I hope we make it ok.

I've been really stressed lately and so I'm getting....

blah i just want a short vacation and since this is a holiday weekend of course I'm not getting one.

The theme song from the game Portal by Valve Software, "Still Alive":

This was a triumph!
I'm making a note here:
"HUGE SUCCESS!!"

It's hard to overstate
my satisfaction.

Aperture Science:
We do what we must
because we can.

For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.

But there's no sense crying
over every mistake.
You just keep on trying
till you run out of cake.
And the science gets done.
And you make a neat gun
for the people who are
still alive.

I'm not even angry...
I'm being so sincere right now-
Even though you broke my heart,
and killed me.

And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!

Now, these points of data
make a beautiful line.
And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time!
So I'm GLaD I got burned-
Think of all the things we learned-
for the people who are
still alive.

Go ahead and leave me...
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I think I'd prefer to stay inside...
Maybe you'll find someone else
to help you?
Maybe Black Mesa?
That was a joke! *HAHA- Fat Chance!*

Anyway this cake is great!
It's so delicious and moist!

Look at me: still talking
when there's science to do!
When I look out there,
it makes me GLaD I'm not you.

I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are
still alive.
And believe me I am
still alive.
I'm doing science and I'm
still alive.
I feel fantastic and I'm
still alive.
While you're dying I'll be
still alive.
And when you're dead I will be
still alive.

Still alive.

Still alive.

I'm Changing My Name to Chrysler

2008-11-19T09:08:00.001-05:00

from Arlo Guthrie's website:
(and on a VERY cool note, He's coming in concert to Jacksonville in FEB!!!!! Woot!! I got a Thing to do in a couple of Months!!!

I'm Changing My Name to Chrysler
by Tom Paxton

Oh the price of gold is rising out of sight
And the dollar is in sorry shape tonight
What the dollar used to get us
Now won't buy a head of lettuce
No the economic forecast isn't right
But amidst the clouds I spot a shining ray

I can even glimpse a new and better way
And I've demised a plan of action
Worked it down to the last fraction
And I'm going into action here today

CHORUS:
I am changing my name to Chrysler
I am going down to Washington D.C.
I will tell some power broker
What they did for Iacocca
Will be perfectly acceptable to me
I am changing my name to Chrysler
I am headed for that great receiving line
So when they hand a million grand out
I'll be standing with my hand out
Yes sire I'll get mine

When my creditors are screaming for their dough
I'll be proud to tell them all where they can all go
They won't have to scream and holler
They'll be paid to the last dollar
Where the endless streams of money seem to flow
I'll be glad to tell them what they can do
It's a matter of a simple form or two
It's not just renumeration it's a liberal education
Ain't you kind of glad that I'm in debt to you

CHORUS

Since the first amphibians crawled out of the slime
We've been struggling in an unrelenting climb
We were hardly up and walking before money started talking
And it's sad that failure is an awful crime
Well it's been that way for a millenium or two
But now it seems that there's a different point of view
If you're a corporate titanic and your failure is gigantic
Down to congress there's a safety net for you

CHORUS

A good day.

2008-11-14T09:26:00.002-05:00

I had a great day with Maggie on Wednesday. She came into work with me and we had a great time going around campus and hanging out. I got to show her around the labs and the rest of the campus. We spent all morning walking around... so by the evening I was in serious pain! Ouch my back really hurt lol. Helen took amazing care of me and I stayed in bed for most of the evening playing WoW and relaxing and trying not to move.

Zen and the art of fixing my bike.

2008-11-06T10:32:00.002-05:00

Hey it really helps to tighten the clutch pedal after screwing it all to hell. Fell over on Fri. and jacked up my bike a little. I have fixed most everything but it wasn't until this morning that I realized my clutch pedal was about to fall off. I made it into work before finding a couple of wrenches and fixing it.

As far as the falling over, I'm ok. My ankle is hurt by being trapped under the bike. My hip hurts on the left side b/c that's where I landed. My shoulder really hurt because it got smashed into the ground hard. Everything is healing fine though. My ankle still hurts a little, but my shoulder feels fine now and my hip feels normal.

A different kind of Friday...

2008-10-17T13:13:00.005-05:00

When I end up looking up robotech charaters like Lynn MinMay, things are different. I'm also installing Ubuntu Linux on an old G4 PPC machine, so I can make a firewall... Seems like this comes up occasionally.

I like challenges, again and again. On another note, I'm going to start helping the Jacksonville group with foodrescue.net They (We) go around collecting bread & stuff from bakeries and taking it to local homeless shelters. So I'm doing a Tuesday run from Panera to Clara White mission. I was reading from the Gosple of Matthew last night and the story of the servants who used their talents convicted me that I wasn't really using my talents as good as I could. I had gotten the email about the food rescue people a couple of weeks ago, but I let it slide and slide and slide and last night, with conviction in my blood emailed the lady coordinating it. So on certain Tuesdays I get to deliver bread. I am planning some other things too, but I'll talk about those later.

On another note, I'm on facebook! Search for me, I'm there.

A tradition

2008-10-13T12:28:00.004-05:00

of posting once a week. I should keep it up. :-)

I had a meeting canceled today and I don't quite know what to do with myself. I had graphs too. I guess I will work on the presentation for next week. It's the most immanent thing going on.

Had a good time going to the band contest. Helen & I got to see Maggie & Chelsea perform. It was nice and we had a mostly good time. Other than that it was a quiet weekend at home. I enjoyed it and spent my time playing a bunch of Warcraft. I'm working on getting a priest to lvl 70 before November. It's been exciting and tiring at the same time.

Ouch

2008-10-07T09:12:00.002-05:00

I fucking bit the inside of my cheek while eating a Clif Bar. It's been one of those mornings.

It's that time again...

2008-10-03T08:55:00.003-05:00

Things roll around in our brains and come to the surface for air, or just intrude themselves on our thoughts, and we are drawn to them again for no reason. Like the song that gets stuck in your head and wont leave until you've heard it again.

We had this brilliant idea at work to add/share our favorite movies on our internal wiki. And now 'pulp-fiction' is stuck in my head, rolling around like a marble in a can. I liked Reservoir Dogs better as far as Quentin Tarentino movies go, but it's hard to recommend since a lot of people find it way to violent. While it's very violence, it is a very raw film, lots of very strong emotions in a whirl wind of fury that drive the plot to it's bitter end.

My Recommended Movie list btw:

* Blade Runner
* Be Kind, Rewind
* Children of Men
* Aliens
* Alien
* 2001
* 2010
* Jaws
* 28 Days Later
* Shaun of the Dead
* Contact
* Spirited Away (anime)
* Howl's Moving Castle (anime)
* Princess Mononoke (anime)
* Clerks
* Resident Evil (I liked all three but the 1st and 3rd were the best)
* Kung Fu Hustle
* Stargate
* The Mission
* Urusei Yatsura 2: Beautiful Dreamer (anime)
* Underworld -- Vampires vs. Werewolves
* Starship Troopers
* South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
* Reservoir Dogs
* Vampire Hunter D (anime)
* The 13th Warrior

I got these two pics in the email today:

My response to the invite was, "Why can't you just be happy that your son found someone to share his life with no matter how it turns out you bitter wench." Then I saw the pic and thought, "Hey those are big enough to eat spaghetti off of." It just seems pointless to try to make fun on someone elses happiness no matter how they choose to display it.

HOme sick...

2008-09-26T07:37:00.002-05:00

I'm home sick today. I wanted to go to work since we were going to tour the Network Ops Center at UNF. My head feels like it's going to explode though, so I think rest is better for me.

I'm reading Stephen King's last Dark Tower series book, "The Dark Tower". It amazes me the back & forth swings in his writing style and the emotions he portrays through it. It seems at times like there's two personalities writing the same material.