The Burbs and The BF

Quacking Quietly

2008-05-06T10:58:00.002-05:00

Wilbert is our lot duck. That's the best way to describe him. He has been hanging around in the parking lot here at our apartment building for the past month or so. He barely moves out of the way when you drive by. He seems to be on a first name basis with everyone in our rather large complex. He is one of those blazing-green mallards with bright orange feet. His inconspicuously-colored mate and probably her eggs secreted up in the rocks near the building. I found my heart going out to the dutiful partner; the singular monogamous devotion that is so rare in the animal kingdom. Truly, we can learn a lot from Wilbert, I thought. What a thankless job, parading around a parking lot trying to distract predators. It got to the point where I was so used to seeing him around, that I started looking forward to my encounters with him. I asked him what he thought about the economy once and he quacked quietly, which I think is the best response I have heard yet. In fact, the next time someone asks YOU about your financial situation, just quack quietly. It is the best response you can give. He had the same thing to say about the environment, the fate of polar bears and the ridiculous democratic in-fighting that just may lose them the next election and doom us to Republican tyranny for another four years. Yesterday as I was leaving for work I saw Wilbert sitting in the center of a parking space, unmoving, next to something. Knowing that this was approaching heartbreaking territory didn't stop me from walking forward. Sure enough, someone had flattened the female duck (she was a flat pile of tawny feathers) and Wilbert was still dutifully protecting her. I wanted to scream, punch someone, pick the poor animal up and comfort him, tell him that there are other fish in the… well, ducks in the pond and that it was a tragic accident that has no explanation. Parking lots are heartless, merciless places. Shaken to the core, I called the BF and explained what happened to poor Wilbert. He was heartbroken as well. I was on my way to the park and ride and there wasn't much I could do. I told the BF to do something, like call animal control. I didn't know if they would respond to the heartbreaking call or not, but I felt like we should do something. The BF explained that he would do something. Later I called to find out what that was. "I prayed for him," he said. That gave me pause. The cynical side of me jumped out with "Well that'll help." But there was serene silence from him in response. I amended that with "It can't hurt." It really can't. When I returned from spending twelve hours with my friend in the HCMC emergency room (exactly twelve years to the day when I was wheeled in there after being shot by my friend) I noticed that the female's remains were gone, and so was Wilbert. I hope he's okay. Maybe he found another female to watch over. He's really good at it. Maybe he jumped back into the pond to start all over like so many of us vow to do after losing a loved one for whatever reason. I know he's quacking quietly somewhere about the steady decline of the United States of America, like I plan on doing from now on.

Thank You, Constipation

2008-04-09T19:49:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning with bowel issues. I don't want to get graphic about it. Let's just leave it at that. This was around 5AM. I normally get my ass out of bed around 7:00 and barely stumble to my car to be at the park and ride by 7:30. After the aforementioned issues, I tried to get back to sleep. Finally, disgusted, I dragged myself to the kitchen and for the first time in a very long time made coffee for myself and watched a little TV before work. I could feel something happening to me, like a veil lifting. When I closed myself in my bathroom and got in the shower, a remarkable clarity hit me full force. It was like I had been asleep for the last few months and I was finally awake. And I was horrified at the levels of downright self-debasing, self-pitying depression I have allowed to wash over me lately. I am stronger than this. I am better than this. I have been wallowing in my own misery to the point of throwing my hands up with the situation with my shitty job, neglecting friendships, not writing, procrastinating about school, being a hermit and fighting with The BF about stupid things. I even burst into tears, mid-discussion a few nights ago and started mentally sorting out our property, trying to figure out the best way to make an even split; all of that because he admitted to having doubts sometimes about our relationship. I immediately jumped to the THIS MEANS WE ARE BREAKING UP conclusion and started sniveling and picturing how it would happen. Good GOD! This person I have been over the past few months is NOT ME. I even came very close to calling and cussing out a very good friend for a foolish, insensitive comment she made. In my mind, for a few days, our friendship was over. What she had done was UNFORGIVEABLE.

I don't know if it was the coffee or the constipation, but something lit a fire under my ass today. I got off the bus that normally brings me to my work DOORSTEP and walked the last few LOOONG blocks, iPod blasting, with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. Me and Kylie Minogue almost beat the damn bus there. I charged into work full of confidence, shut out all the negative banter and gossip around me, took my hated job by the horns and kicked ASS at it. I did better than I have ever done today (113 checks). Our goal is 100 for the MONTH. I feel like an idiot for sitting around and complaining about it when if I just sat there and DID IT I would be successful.

Mark my words: My lazy ass will be getting up every day from now on for my morning cup of coffee. I think it is the key to my success.

100

2008-03-16T22:06:00.002-05:00

See a panda
Go to Seattle
Go to Europe
Pet a large cat of some kind
See a kangaroo
Go on a safari in Africa
See all Disney World Parks
Stay at a cabin in the woods during winter with a huge fireplace
Read a Charles Dickens book cover to cover
Go skydiving
Visit Eastern State Penitentiary
Visit New Orleans
Visit an actual historic plantation down south
Make a full turkey dinner for guests
See the Eiffel Tower
See Big Ben
Visit Auschwitz
Visit Salem, Massachusetts
Go on a tropical resort vacation
Go on a cruise
Watch "Brothers & Sisters" on DVD
See Old Faithful
See Mt. Rushmore
Visit Walnut Grove, MN
Write a full-length screenplay
See "Wicked"
Read "Duma Key" by Stephen King
See "Sex and the City" movie
Pet/hold a raccoon
Re-read "House of Leaves" by Mark Z. Danielewski
Read "Leaves of Grass" by Walt Whitman
Listen to a full album by Joni Mitchell
Take an acting class
Get married to Ian
Go to Switzerland
Live somewhere with central air
Buy a puppy
Buy a house
Get my degree
Spend the night at Waverly Hills Sanatorium in Louisville, KY
See the New York Museum of Natural History
See the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D. C.
Decoupage
Learn to knit
Get acupuncture
Have a drink at Alaska, a restaurant near me
Finish watching "Alias"
Have a picnic near a waterfall
Visit LA
Re-read the Landry, Hudson and Casteel Series by V. C. Andrews
Go to Canada
Drive a convertible during the summer with the top down
Re-read "Misery" by Stephen King
Finish the "Dark Tower" series by Stephen King
Win something
See a Cirque DuSoleil production
Spend the night at the Stanley Hotel in Colorado
Go to an Art Museum with Ian
Own "The White Album" by The Beatles
Commit to an exercise program
Get Miwu groomed
Babysit my sister's twins
Reconnect with my sister Tammy
Do karaoke
Learn to draw better
Nature photography
Volunteer somewhere
Get a piercing somewhere
Go camping again
Conquer my back pain
Go tubing down a river
See The Grand Canyon
Participate in a real ghost hunt
Swim in the ocean without freaking out
Touch a dolphin
See a red panda
Fly a kite
Watch "Dexter" on DVD
Learn to budget my money
Watch "True Blood" on HBO
Read "From Dead to Worse" by Charlaine Harris
Learn more about Nostradamus
Quit US Bank
Learn to grill really well
Learn to build a fire without using matches or a lighter
Visit Gettysburg
Take a photography class
Go hiking
See Mesa Verde
Learn to play a complicated song on the piano
Try living in another state
Read "The Alienist" by Caleb Carr
Read a book by Mark Twain
See a sporting event that isn't football or baseball
Buy new furniture
Buy a waffle maker
Visit my mom's cabin
Rent a cabin on a lake during the summer
Watch every Best Picture winner there is
Get a new cell phone

A Breakthrough

2007-12-27T20:25:00.001-06:00

I am reading a book called "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz. One of the parts that I read recently was about how we should treat our partners no different than we treat our pets. No, we don't potty train them and put leashes on them and walk them. We give them unconditional love. We accept them as being dogs and cats because that is what they are. We need to accept our partners as human beings because that is what they are. For example, one of our recent disagreements was because he wanted to go out on a Sunday night during a snow storm when I had to work on Monday and he didn't. I wanted him to feel bad for leaving me behind because I thought that meant he would rather not spend time with me. Conversely, I was reading a book the other day and my cat Mimi was sitting beside me purring. At one point, she got up and scratched at the door to get out. I got up and let her out. Why? Because she's a cat and wanted to be in the other room. Did I get all weird and emotional because that meant she loved me less? No. She just didn't want to be around me right then and I didn't take it personally. Why can't I apply that same type of unconditional love to the situation with Ian? Why do I have to get all caught up and emotional? He didn't want to be around me right then and there's nothing wrong with that because humans feel cooped up sometimes and want to go out even when it seems like a bad idea.

One thing that struck me a few months back was an argument we had when we were drunk. Unfortunately, alcohol can be a truth serum sometimes and it can reveal the ugly truth. He said to me: "You love the cats more than you love me!!" It sounds absolutely ridiculous, but a part of me recognized it and it's through this book that I pieced it all together. He was telling me that I don't love him unconditionally. And compared to how I act with the cats, it is apparent. For example, if my cat Haxan jumps up on the counter and breaks a dish, I scold him and clean up the mess. Maybe I spray him with water. But two hours later when he jumps up on my lap and purrs, I am right back to loving him and cuddling him again. Why? Because he's a cat and cats break things sometimes. It's part of owning a cat and it isn't personal. He didn't think in his kitty brain that he wants to break that dish because he knows it will make me mad. He just wanted to be on the counter.

I remember being jealous of the cats I grew up with for the same reason. I felt that my mom loved them more than me because she loved them unconditionally. If they peed on the floor, she would scold them and then love them again an hour later because they are cats and cats pee on the floor sometimes. However, if I forgot to do the dishes or left a mess somewhere she would be mad at me all night or bring my mistakes up several months later to make me feel bad. I don't want anyone to feel that way, however irrational it sounds. When I walk in the door after a long day I rush to the kitties and hug them and pet them and always smile at them and am happy to see them, even if they made some kind of mess. I say "Hi babies! Hi sweethearts!" and they always rush to the door to greet me. But if he is sitting there I will just say "Hi." Why?! Am I any less happy to see him? No. I am MORE happy to see him, but my fear of judgment holds me back from showing him how much I love him. Why do human relationships have to be any different than the relationships we have with animals? Why is it so easy to love an animal without fear of judgment but we have such a fear of the same from our fellow human beings?

I plan to love him as much and more than I love my kitties. He brings just as much joy to my life as they do, and deserves all the attention and sweetness that they deserve for being kitties, because he is human. With all his strengths and weaknesses, joy and anger, he is human. And he is beautiful.

Love Your Failures

2007-12-21T23:18:00.001-06:00

We love our successes. We celebrate our successes. We pat ourselves on the back when we are successful but we also need to love our faults, our failures and our shortcomings. What is the obsession with perfection in this society? Perfection does not exist. It makes us a prisoner in our own minds; a victim to our failures. Failing and picking ourselves back up is part of life. More than that, it proves that you are alive. That you exist. That you breathe. So forgive your failures and shortcomings. They are part of what makes us human. They are beautiful. Our flaws make us individuals.

Thankful

2007-12-13T21:31:00.001-06:00

I'm thankful for clean drinking water, and purring cats; nature documentaries and a good scary movie. I'm thankful for the basic goodness in all people and the badness that is on display for my entertainment in the media. I'm thankful for family and friends and good food; mass transit and park & rides. I'm thankful for the clarity a cup of strong coffee or a few mixed drinks at the 90s seems to provide me. I'm thankful for a soft warm bed on a cold winter night. I'm thankful for the first delicate snowfall and the "Six Feet Under" box set. I'm thankful for walking into Target on Black Friday, avoiding the frenzy and walking out empty-handed. I'm thankful for the laughs and smiles of my niece and nephew; their pure innocence and their eyes filled with wonder at every new discovery that I take for granted. I'm thankful for no cable and DVR and the writing that pours forth from me when I'm away from TV. I'm thankful for writer's strikes and Netflix; my sister's free-range organic turkey and my boyfriend's burnt green bean casserole. I'm thankful for Weight Watchers and gainful employment, road trips and hotel rooms; far-flung new relatives and acquaintances in tiny Wisconsin small towns. I'm thankful for inspiration and creativity, writer's block and espresso. And pie. French Silk Pie.

Linn Liu

2007-12-11T22:39:00.001-06:00

I'm in fifth grade, we are having "Inside Recess" because it is about 30 below outside and I have discovered that I have very statically-conductive shoes on. They are just one in a string of very cheap horribly stinky shoes that my mother and I got at Target. They smell like a mixture of Cheetos left out in the hot sun and rotten garbage mixed with farts.

Stinky though they are, they seem to give me super powers. Blue sparks shoot from my fingertips when I scuff them on the floor, I learn after mistakenly touching the metal edge of table. I smile. I AM ZAPPER BOY!! I am scuffling my feet on the strip of carpet in our classroom and zapping people pretty seriously with static and loving every minute of it. Good kids, bad kids, friends and enemies; all are my victims. I am on a rampage. Scuff-scuff- scuff!!

I zap my friend John POP! "OWW!" Scuff-scuff-scuff!!

I zap my friend Nick. POP! "OWW!" Scuff-scuff-scuff!!

I zap the annoying class brain, Shanda. POP!! "OWW!!" Scuff-scuff-scuff!!

I zap the kid who shoved me down on the playground once. POP! "OWW!!"

I zap the weird Chinese girl named Linn Liu that no one talks to. POP!! "Ahh sss!! Let me see yo finga." I show her my finger. She is mystified. I am amused. I assume there is no static electricity in China. I scuff all the way across the room, then back. I zap her again. POP!! "AHH SSSSS!! HOW YOU DO THAT?!!" But I never tell her.

I am trying to figure out a way to zap our teacher whom I hate when recess ends. And just like that, I am a boring kid with stinky, plastic shoes again.

Weight

2007-11-21T21:06:00.001-06:00

There's a heaviness about me. It's there in my physical being but I feel it is weighing down my soul as well. I have been trying to lose weight for the better part of 8 years. I always fail, I always plummet right back to where I started; sometimes I gain more than I started with. I don't think it is a matter of what I shove in my mouth or what I decide to eat. It's more a matter of what I decide to do with myself in my day to day life and how I choose to move through it. You see, fat people are invisible in a way. Not in any kind of poor me way, but in one way; one very specific way. People don't expect all that much from fat people. We can't control what we put in our fucking mouths so why should we be able to control any other aspect of our lives? I feel people look at me and feel sorry for me. They see me as a person in a constant struggle with his own inner urges. You can't expect a person with such overwhelming inner urges to control any OTHER aspect of his life, can you? People won't expect much from me. Flash forward to that wonderful, healthy person I am told I have locked deep inside me. Filled with confidence, can do anything, can stand in the spotlight, can have people look at him and lust over him and envy him and want to be his friend and want to know him and to talk to him and hang out with him and introduce themselves to him at parties and want him want him want him. Am I ready for that? Am I ready to be and most importantly do I WANT to be that person? You see for me, it's not so much about putting down the French fries and driving past the McDonald's drive thru, it's about what the fuck I'm going to do once I BECOME that healthy person. Once I'm one of the Visible Ones. What will people see? What can I show them? If I don't have that glaring fault distracting people from all my other faults, what will they see? Will they expect me to become something I am not? Will they ask the dreaded question "What are you waiting for?" Why haven't you made more of yourself? Why would a young fit handsome man like you let ANYTHING hold him back from making all of his dreams come true? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE IT ALL?? they will shout. Why are you still holding onto a job you despise and going nowhere when you could do SO MUCH. I mean, you lost all that pesky weight, didn't you? Those pesky 100 pounds you had hanging around that absolutely refused to let go of your now manly and athletic frame? And really, what do you have to feel bad about now that you are not overweight. Are you afraid that maybe now the weight is gone you might have to shed your problems with self esteem and GOD FORBID like yourself? See yourself as everything you know deep down you can be? Look yourself deep in the eyes in the mirror and say "You turned out okay?" And the worst and most horrifying question that childless, rootless thirtysomethings are faced with constantly "Now what?" Where to next, sir? You can go anywhere and do anything. What would you like to do? Who would you like to be?? Am I ready to answer all of those questions? Am I alone here? Am I truly alone in feeling this way? I feel like I kicked over a psychological rock in my head and started a fucking avalanche. I'm fat because it's EASIER than being thin. And I don't like myself. Deep down, I truly feel like I don't deserve the type of happiness that I feel accompanies normal-weight people. More than anything, I'm scared to death of how I will be seen and treated differently.

CONCERTINA

2007-11-11T19:19:00.001-06:00

Recently, the BF and I went to a Tori Amos concert.  It occurred to me that I have seen her in concert FIVE TIMES.  I was a completely different person every single time I saw her.  She has been one constant in my life all the way through.  I only have one friend that has been in my life every time I went to see her in concert.

My sister Tammy took me to this one for my birthday.  My 19^th birthday!!  I owe it to her for introducing me to Tori in the first place.  No matter how far she and I drift apart either geographically (she lives in New Hampshire) or politically (she's a raging republican) we will always share this.  We held hands and got teary-eyed during Silent All These Years.  That song will always remind me of her.  I was living at home and hadn't even met Mike, been drunk, smoked pot or smoked a cigarette.  I was barely out of the closet.  But, I guess, crying at Tori Amos concerts isn't the straightest of activities.

Minneapolis, MN - State Theater - July 14, 1994

UNDER THE PINK TOUR

Space Dog

Leather

Icicle

Precious Things

American Pie/Smells Like Teen Spirit

God

Silent All These Years

The Waitress

Bells for Her

Me and a Gun

Winter

Encore 1:

Cornflake Girl

A Case of You

Encore 2:

Upside Down

Baker Baker

At the time of this concert I was living on my own in a studio apartment near Loring Park in Minneapolis.  I went with my friend Mara and her new girlfriend Tina.  We had pretty decent seats.  I worked at AT&T and paid $375/mo for my apartment.  I was a huge pothead and smoked regularly.  This was the day of the Hennepin Avenue block party where the Smashing Pumpkins played a FREE concert.  This was my favorite concert.

July 17, 1998 at Northrup Auditorium

PLUGGED 98 TOUR

Precious Things
Spark
Cornflake Girl
Sugar
iieee
Playboy Mommy
Crucify
Marianne
Upside Down
Doughnut Song
Cruel
Liquid Diamonds
The Waitress

1st Encore:
God
Raspberry Swirl

2nd Encore:
Landslide

Weird. This was after 9/11. A little more than a month after. I worked at American Express but not for much longer. Being on the 26^th floor of the tallest building in Minneapolis made me nervous. The job also outsourced to India not too long after. I soon started a disastrous job at Qwest that I would get canned from; the first of THREE jobs in a row that would can me. George W. Bush was president and no one could believe it. I went to this one with my best friend Sarabellem. We thought this concert was great. I remember she was especially pleased to hear "Rattlesnakes".

October 21, 2001 at the Orpheum Theatre

STRANGE LITTLE TOUR

'97 Bonnie & Clyde
Little Amsterdam
Sugar
Take To the Sky
Putting The Damage On
Leather
Beauty Queen
Horses
I Don't Like Mondays
Winter
Concertina
Crucify
Rattlesnakes
Me and a Gun
Cooling

1st Encore:
Purple People
Upside Down

2nd Encore:
Space Dog
Famous Blue Raincoat
1000 Oceans

Wow. At the time of this concert I was working at Allianz and living in Lauderdale. In March, the same day the stupid war started, I would be canned and begin 8 months of unemployment that would nearly destroy me. Sarabellem and I went to this one as well. We were less than pleased for some reason. Neither of us liked the inclusion of "Hotel" and "I Can't See New York". Shortly after being canned, Sarabellem stopped talking to me and we went through a "Friendship Makeover" as we term it now. It was necessary. I needed to have everyone turn their back on me and rely only on myself for awhile to prove that I could get myself through tough times with no one's help. I also did a lot of writing once my cable was shut off. I learned a lot.

Saturday, November 30, 2002 at the Northrop Auditorium.

SCARLET'S WALK TOUR

Wampum Prayer
a sorta fairytale
Take To the Sky
Pancake
Cornflake Girl
Honey
Juarez
Crucify
Wednesday

Band leaves

China
Famous Blue Raincoat
Josephine

Band returns

Your Cloud
Girl
Sweet Sangria
Lust
Hotel
I Can't See New York
Spring Haze

1st Encore
Taxi Ride
Etienne

2nd Encore
Strange
Tear In Your Hand

This brings us right up to last Wednesday, when I went to the concert below with the man I love. What a ride, what a journey. I don't think way back in 94 that I would ever believe where I am today. It is absolutely mind-boggling. At this concert I had a strange, bittersweet feeling watching her and watching the much younger audience around me. Among all the lesbians and patchouli I think I figured out that maybe I need to pass the torch on. Who knows. Maybe I'll see her again, but if I don't I won't mind.

Wednesday, November 7^that Northrup Auditorium

AMERICAN DOLL POSSE TOUR

Act I – Isabel

Yo George

Sweet Dreams

In the Springtime of His Voodoo

Devils and Gods

Almost Rosey

Tombigbee

Scarlet's Walk

Interlude

Professional Widow

Act II – Tori

Big Wheel

Space Dog

Pancake

Cornflake Girl

Doughnut Song

Siren

T & Bö

Graveyard

Jackie's Strength

Silent All These Years

Band Returns

Putting The Damage On

Black Dove (January)

Code Red

1st Encore:

Precious Things

2nd Encore

Hey Jupiter

Kajagoogoo

2007-11-10T21:10:00.001-06:00

I've been having some pretty severe issues lately with social anxiety. I think Wikipedia might be the coolest thing ever. I really wonder what the difference is between Social Anxiety Disorder and garden variety shyness so I checked it out online. I had this feeling that it was closely related to low self esteem and it definitely is. When I'm in a social situation and I clam up it's because there's this nasty voice in my head telling me that this person doesn't want to hear what I have to say and that they couldn't possibly care about me. Moreover, I have been burned too many times in my life not to be pretty guarded around new people. I judge them pretty harshly in my head and more often than not dismiss them as a certain type that I wouldn't want to have anything to do with anyway. This beats them to the inevitable rejection, you see. Social Anxiety folks tend to isolate themselves which actually makes the situation worse. Ding ding ding!!! I lived by myself with a few cats in two 1 bedroom apartments in a row. I used to make all kinds of excuses not to leave the last one. My neighborhood wasn't safe, it was too cold, it was too hot, etc, etc. We also tend to have been ridiculed, rejected and humiliated by our peers at an early age more than non SAD folks. Again, right on the money. I don't remember EVER fitting in. I was nearly drowned in the swimming pool in 8^th grade, punched, kicked, called "Faggot" more times than I can count. Junior High was a general nightmare for me, one that I couldn't wake up from. I dealt with it by isolating myself and reading. I went to only one dance in my entire school career and I was dragged to it.

Now onto the issue at hand: My BF is a very social person. He loves being the center of attention. He loves going out and meeting new people. And I love him for it. It's one of the many things I admire about him, that confidence, because it is something that I lack. I worry sometimes that he will get fed up with my shyness and kick me to the curb and find a less defective model; someone he can go to birthday parties with that won't huddle in the corner wishing he was dead or make rude comments about the people all around us to beat them to the punch. I always had it in my mind that getting into a relationship would mean that all my personal problems would be solved. Boy was I in for the shock of my life when I found out that it actually MAGNIFIES all of your personal shit because now there is someone around to notice everything.

Here's the central question: Is there something BETTER about being a social butterfly? Does it mean you are a better person? It takes all types to make up this crazy world. Where do the shy people fit in? The BF can be out at the club partying it up while I'm at home writing a masterpiece screenplay. Is one activity more valid than the other because one is social and one is done in isolation? Is this something I absolutely need to work on? Right now we have a system worked out where if he wants to stay out he just calls me when he's done and I come and pick him up. That way he has a safe way home and I don't have to put on fake smiles, deal with awkward silences and make nice with strangers. Everyone wins. Or am I fooling myself?

SHAME!!!

2007-03-10T17:03:00.000-06:00

I have the sad duty of reporting that the felines below fell far short of their only required duty of pest control by not alerting me to the presence of a squirrel in my apartment until I had a face-to-face encounter with it. It is, however, only through public shame and humiliation that they can truly be taught a lesson. So, I call these three out!!

Shame on YOU Mi-Wu!!

Shame on YOU Haxanberger!!

Shame on YOU Mimi!!

Vintage Diary Entry 6: Sunday, July 26, 1992

2006-11-01T18:49:00.000-06:00

1:40 PM- Today, I drove home from the grocery store with my mom. What a nightmare! She bitched at me the WHOLE way! It's no wonder I nearly took her side-view mirror off when I pulled into the garage. I straightened the car out, with Kelly's help, came inside went in my room and sobbed. I'm still shaking. There is no way I am ever getting in a car with her again. It was so scary and humiliating. I have never driven so awful and it had to be right in front of Kelly and her boyfriend. I can't drive with that fucking SPAZ ever again. You couldn't pay me enough! I don't know how I would ever get my license if Kelly weren't here!
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Obviously one of my first attempts at driving. My mom stressed me out so bad I nearly ripped off her side-view mirror. I failed my driving test the first time for going through a No Turn on Red. Ahh, those were the days.

Halloween Costume Hints, For I.J.T.

2006-10-22T20:03:00.000-05:00

It shouldn't be too hard to figure it out from these photos of pieces of the actual costume. Mwoohahahaha...

Insecurities UNBOUND!!

2006-10-19T16:18:00.000-05:00

This is an actual page from the diary I have been putting entries on here from. It's a pretty typical page. Sorry. I just got a scanner and am completely obsessed with it.

Vintage Diary Entry 5: Thursday, August 3rd, 1995

2006-10-12T20:31:00.000-05:00

11:56 PM- I really wish I knew how to change my feelings about Sexy. The word "obsession" doesn't go far enough in describing it. I want to be with him all the time, and what do I get out of it? I get a warm, secure safe feeling. I get a lot of eye candy and most of the time I have fun. But, at the same time, it's all very empty because I know I can't have more. He's the type of guy that can never say he cares in any way. He is very cold and cruel sometimes and I get the feeling again and again that he's using me, but not in the way I wish he would. I have already decided that I am never gonna let this happen again. I am never gonna get into a friendship with someone I am attracted to but can't have. Whether that means that I shut out a good friend or not doesn't concern me. I cannot go through this again.
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Wow! I was being completely honest with myself. Not that it did any good. I mean, I was right at the beginning of all of that Sexy stuff. It hadn't even been a full year yet. I was onto something, though. There was something warm and safe and secure about having feelings for someone who absolutely could not have them back. Warm, safe, secure yet empty and abusive. That completely describes every bit of my friendship with him; all 12 years of it. I was also under the impression that because he was a tough, macho straight guy he could "protect" me because I was still under the delusion that I needed to be protected from something other than my own self-destructive tendencies. Yeah. Well, I got shot and attacked with an ice scraper while I knew him. Obviously it did no good. I have taken the healthy mental health stance of not regretting anything in my past, laltely because every step of the way led me to where I am right now; and where I am is pretty fucking awesome. Sexy is in the past. In fact, if I have anything to do with it, I will never see nor speak with him again. The funny thing is, I don't hate him or dislike him or judge him. I just have absolutely nothing in common with him anymore and being around him makes me remember what it was like to completely fool myself for so long. So, in the last analysis I guess there is a hint of regret. Just no hard feelings.

For I. J. T.

2006-10-03T06:53:00.000-05:00

Pull down hard on your lap bar to lock it in place, fasten your seatbelt and keep your hands and arms inside the ride at all times. Standing is prohibited. Be safe but most of all have fun. This ride, if nothing else, reminds you you're alive. Hang on tight.

ABC just INNED me!!

2006-10-01T20:12:00.000-05:00

I was, apparently, just ruthlessly thrown back in the closet by ABC. A video of me scaring The Nurse 6 years ago aired on AFV tonight. The stupid narrator said something about "Who is that masked man? Her soon-to-be-ex boyfriend!" WTF?!! My 15 minutes of fame and I get thrown back in the closet?!! Hell no!!

Be Here Now

2006-09-27T07:41:00.000-05:00

I had a very dear friend give me this advice. When things involving the future seem so uncertain, when things seem like they could possibly spiral out of your control, when there are a lot of new changes in your life and you don't quite know what to do with them just Be Here Now. Live in the moment. If you focus too much on the uncertainty of the future you will forget about the present. And presently, things are going wonderfully for me; that huge Karmic payback finally started taking form in my life. My sister told me recently that people with dysthymia (it's a mild form of chronic depression) are notorious ruminators, that we are so self-obsessed in the sense that we are always trying to analyze ourselves and figuring out what everything MEANS and that we need to give it a fuckin rest sometimes. I hereby commit to giving it a rest and to just Being Here Now.

My Latest Song Obsession

2006-09-25T06:57:00.000-05:00

I just got "Siamese Dream" again this weekend. It was like greeting an old, cherished friend after a long, long absence from my life. There is a song on it that I don't know if I ever paid any attention to before because I was obviously deaf or stupid back then. I have been absolutely obsessed with it ever since. I think the lyrics are pretty meaningful, and it goes from this blistering guitar riff to the most beautiful, melodic love song for about the last 2 and a half minutes. Truly genius. It gives me chills every time I listen to it. Genius!!

Hummer

Smashing Pumpkins

Faith lies in

The ways of sin

I chased the charmed

But I don't want them anymore

And in their eyes

I was alive

A fool's disguise

Take me away from you

Shame my tongue

Fat with promise all along

But when I woke up from that sleep

I was happier than I'd ever been

When you decide

That your life is a prize

Renew and rivive

It's alright honey

It's alright, yeah

Happiness will make you wonder

Will I feel OK?

It scares the disenchanted

Far away

Yeah I want something new

But what am I supposed to do about you

Yeah I love you, it's true

Life's a bummer

When you're a hummer

Life's a drag

Ask yourself a question

Anyone but me

I ain't free
Ask yourself a question

Anyone but me

I ain't free

Do you feel
Love is real?

Alarming Trend!!

2006-09-23T09:58:00.000-05:00

I don't normally put ths type of stuff on here, but I can't help it. What's with the trend lately of people having fucking ALARMS going off in their songs? I can't think of a single time an alarm means something good is going on. The last thing I want to do when I hear an alarm is dance. The worst example is that stupid "Chicken Noodle Soup" song, but Beyonce is guilty as well. Her song "Ring the Alarm" practically induces seizures. It makes me want to blow my fucking brains out. Fergie's "London Bridge" STARTS with an alarm but it quits after the first few seconds.

UGH!! STOP IT!!! If I wanted to listen to alarms I would hang out in front of the Hospital or Police Station or Fire Station!! Hmmm... Cute paramedics, cops and firemen are there. Doesn't sound like a bad idea.

180

2006-09-23T08:58:00.000-05:00

This is actually a sequel to the post below. Make sure you read that first.

I went into work, handed my supervisor my resignation, said it was nothing personal, that I enjoyed my time there and would look back on it fondly. I wanted to go out with my head held high and start somewhere fresh but not have to drive past the place knowing I pulled some immature "Fuck YOU, bitches!!!" shit. I even hugged my supervisor and told her that I like her as a person, just not as a supervisor.

About half an hour later, my bosses boss dragged me over to her desk and asked me what it would take to make me stay. I told her that I would need to be put in my old position with the other supervisor that I like where I can make huge bonuses again. She told me she would see what she could do, sent me away, and chaos erupted. There was a revolving door at her desk of supervisors and co-workers. After lunch I came back and she said she would be moving me to where I asked. She even asked me about recommendations for my replacement and we had a long talk about the department in general.

In the process of this day I found out that I am valued at my job, that they do not want to lose me, that I will be back to making what I did, and that I wield far more power there than I thought I had. She told me to my face that they wold not do this for everyone, that it is in the best interest of the company to keep me.

I won't get into the boring specifics, but I helped out several friends, too. I made sure the replacement that gets my old, worthless position was not two of my friends, I got a horrid person taken off of my favorite supervisor's team so he doesn't need to deal with her anymore, I made sure they honored a promise they made to another friend and moved her to the position she has wanted for a long time, let them know that another valued employee is looking for a position within the bank and that he will need help with that and I practically ensured the failure of the supervisor I hate.

I am gonna quote Ice Cube here: "I gotta say it was a good day..."

Endings and Beginnings

2006-09-22T05:19:00.000-05:00

I have been more than miserable with my job at Da Bank for the past 3 years but never for such a sustained amount of time as I have been these past 5 months. There have been fleeting moments of happiness, but overall I have been whining and complaining and unhappy and more than anything, completely broke. I have to say I have never worked at a place where I have felt more like a number than where I currently work. I feel like I have no voice at all, like I am standing on a table screaming and no one is even paying attention. Did I mention this is also the smallest call center I have ever worked for?

Yesterday, I interviewed for a similar position somewhere else. I got caught in traffic, got lost and went to the wrong building on the way to the interview. This made me a half hour late. I also didn't go out of my way to dress well. I walked in not wanting the job, or not really caring, anyway. I was kinda cocky in the interview. Further, I cut the interview a little short MYSELF so I could get to work on time.

They begged me to take the position. They offered me the job on the way out the door and offered me more money than they normally offer people. This job is also insanely flexible which is absolutely necessary with the high maintenance degree I am seeking and my impending internship, a good friend of mine works there who claims he knows that I can hack it and make decent money, and further claims there is literally NO corporate BS there.

See below.

Shakycam
Da Bank
Murderapolis, MN 55403

September 22, 2006

Supervisor
Da Bank
Murderapolis, MN
Re: Resignation of Employment

Dear Supervisor:

Please accept this letter as my formal two week notice of resignation, effective October 6, 2006.
I have appreciated my years with the company. Thank you for the opportunities you have presented.

Sincere thanks and best wishes for the future,

Shakycam

CC: Bosses' Boss, Bosses' Bosses' Boss

Thanks, Choirgirl

2006-09-16T21:38:00.000-05:00

I just got off the phone with my good friend Choirgirl. We discussed my current situation and I gotta say her words cut right through to the core of everything I am experiencing right now. These aren't original words, but I had never heard them before. I wasted so much time not knowing this.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Those that come in for a reason, lead you somewhere you need to go and leave after they have done that. Those that are there for a season have a longer lesson to teach you but then their time ends, as all seasons end, when it is natural for them to do so. And those that are there for a lifetime... well. They are there to teach you something that may take your entire life. The pain and the heartache come in when you try to change people and force their reason or season into something more, something longer-lasting. You have to accept people for which one of these roles they fill, which one of these roles they are MEANT to fill, and move on.

She also said that she wants me to have something meaningful. She wants me to have arguments with someone about where to put the toaster. She wants me to experience all of the joy and the heartache that goes along with taking a chance and living and being a human being who takes chances and has dreams and goals and is not satisfied with what he sees around him every day. This is a woman in the midst of her own financial and personal crisis who took the time to look outside of herself and her own situation and looked deeply into me as a person to give me some beautifully encouraging, wonderful words. I gotta say, I love her for that.

And I gotta say I feel like I am waking up for the first time in many years in so many ways. And it feels incredible.

When You Come Undone

2006-09-14T20:22:00.000-05:00

I feel like I am being ripped apart lately. There are incredibly good things happening for me, and incredibly bad things happening. It's all at once. I feel like I'm caught between elation and depression and I don't know which way to turn. Emotions suck! My financial situation seems to worsen by the day, my job is getting more and more unbearable, and I feel overwhelmed with homework. On the plus side, i just found out my video will be shown on AFV on Sunday, October 1st, my personal life is starting to go great (Hey, I!), I'm getting along wonderfully with friends and have re-bonded with a dear friend I thought was lost (Hey, W!). It's like I don't know what I should feel anymore. I want to get back on anti-depressants to just NUMB the whole business.

Update

2006-09-11T13:25:00.000-05:00

Fall has officially started, in my opinion. Fuck a solstice, walk outside once. I had some terrible financial troubles recently, I'm back in school and laden with homework, I hate my job more every day in fact today I had this urge to just walk out and take my chances. It's starting to be less and less about the money and more and more about the fact that I do nothing but leave messages all day long. It's maddening. So, job hunt is on in full force. I discovered 3 for 1's at The Bolt on Friday and got shockingly drunk right after work with Math-girl. I'll have a more full update when I'm doped up on caffeine and feel the urge to write.