Every Wrong Move

I'm Meeeelting

2008-06-09T14:19:00.002-04:00

Gaaaah. It is so freakin' hot and I had court today. Which means I had to wear pantyhose. Which sucks.

So, I was duly chastized by cool Jen SIL for not updating my blog in a long time. So I am doing it RIGHT NOW.

I am feeling much much better. It's so weird - it's such a gradual thing as the meds start working that I didn't really think I was doing better. Until Erik asked, well, when's the last time you thought about killing yourself? Hey! Yeah, not this week!! That's an improvement!!

School is winding down now and I am looking forward to summer. There is a lot going on in the next few months and I am excited about fun times with my family. Work still sorta sucks but #1 I can deal with it and #2 I am exploring a career shift which might help ease that stress.

I'll keep you posted.

Case of the Blahs

2008-05-14T20:27:00.002-04:00

I've been catching up on my blog reading and grumbling about people who just don't update their blogs often enough. As I realize - D'OH! It has been over a month since I updated my own.

So here's an update.

I am all healed from my surgery. It took a good two weeks before I felt even semi-normal again and quite honestly, I am *still* trying to get caught up at work.

It didn't help that the removal of my IUD led to my first real period in about 3 years and I spent a good four days in a lot of pain and wondering how it is possible for one person to bleed so much without actually dying.

The surgery combined with its related hormone wackiness combined with overwhelming work crap combined with whatever other unknown factors unfortunately spiralled me down into a horrible bout of depression.

I have stayed on the Wellbutrin continuously and it was working fine, but I had to add the Zoloft back in. I am frustrated at the realization that I will probably need to just stay on the medicines for an extended period of time. I haven't been able to stay off of them for more than a few months without having a recurrence and I am now accepting that is just the way it is.

These past few weeks have been so difficult. I have literally had to sit down in the morning and make a list of five things at work and one thing at home that need to be done. Then I have to force myself to go through them one by one. I am so frustrated and feel like it is unfair that so much has shifted onto Erik, because I am pretty worthless at the moment.

Last weekend Erik & I left the kids with his dad and went away for a long weekend in Williamsburg. We went to Busch Gardens and spent the day riding roller coasters. The weather was crappy but that ended up being a good thing because it kept the crowds away and the temperature nice and cool. It helped lift my mood a lot to do something fun with Erik. We needed that time together.

In other stuff, Marc is in the process of being tested and we will have a meeting at the end of May to determine his grade placement for next year.

And really, I am going to try to be better about updating my blog.

Navel Gazing... literally...

2008-04-07T23:16:00.002-04:00

My belly button is glued closed. The doctor didn't use stitches, he used surgical glue. On my belly button. That is so weird.

He wasn't just being nice when he said one week off work. It is Monday night and I still feel like total shit. There is no way I'm going back tomorrow. I'd be surprised if I make it back on Wednesday.

I am SO exhausted and sore. Today I woke up, made coffee, took a shower and that was it. I was so worn out from standing up and taking a shower that I had to take a nap.

I am bored out of mind and restless, but too damn tired to DO anything so I'm just ending up cranky. I tried to take the painkillers down a dose today, but by mid-morning I was so uncomfortable that plan didn't work so well. I am frustrated at being constantly loopy from the drugs and unable to do anything. I can't drive, I can't work, I can't even do simple things around the house.

I have to keep reminding myself that my body really has been through some trauma and I need to be patient and let myself heal. But it is difficult when my office keeps calling me and asking questions and giving me messages. Come on - I am NOT calling people back from my house while doped up on massive doses of narcotics!!

I feel doofy admitting that I kinda mourn the loss of my ovary. I mean, it was one of my organs and it feels weird to know it's just not there any more.

In summary, Blaaaaah and yup, I am definitely staying home tomorrow.

I wasn't really using that ovary anyhow

2008-04-06T09:15:00.003-04:00

It's been another long gap since I've posted. What a couple of weeks I have had.

It started on Wed the 26th. I'd just returned to work from a nice relaxing long weekend, spending some great quality time with my kids and husband during their spring break. I was a little behind at work, but it was all things that I could easily catch up on.

Wednesday night I started to have some pain in my lower left side. Sharp pain. Annoying. Getting sharper. Erik asked if I needed to go the emergency room. I didn't want to go and sit all night in the e/r to have them tell me I had gas and just needed to fart. So I went to bed.

So Thursday I woke up and the pain is still there, still quite sharp and definitely still in exactly the same place. I went to work and suffered through my morning appointments until I could get in to see my doctor after lunch.

The doctor ordered an ultrasound, but they couldn't do that until 5, so I went home and tried to sleep. And drink water - you have to have a full bladder to do the ultrasound. No fun to have a full bladder when someone is pushing down on you with a metal wand thingy.

The ultrasound took about an hour - I had three different ones done and in the end it turned out I had an ovarian cyst. The doctor sent me home with some presription strength Alleve and told me it'd either rupture or shrink on its own within a few days.

By Friday night the Alleve wasn't doing a damn thing anymore, so my dear friend who just had an ovarian cyst gave me some Darvocet to get through the weekend. I called first thing on Monday to get #1 a follow up with my gyn and #2 a stronger painkiller.

I couldn't see the gyn until Tuesday afternoon. I spend Monday night crying on the bathroom floor in so much pain that I was literally shaking, sweating, crying, puking... It was awful. I somehow made it through the night and work the next morning. I even went to court. Crazy. I don't know how I did it.

Anyway, Tuesday afternoon the gyn says the decision is really up to me. We can wait and see or he can do follow up imaging or we can talk about surgery. Now, after the horrible Monday night bathroom floor incident, I'm actually feeling better. We think maybe the cyst ruptured so we decide to wait and see.

Wednesday into Thursday I feel better. Thursday night? I start to feel worse... and worse... I call the gyn first thing Friday morning and they set up an appointment for me at 12:45. By mid-morning I am in so much pain I asked Erik to drive me to the doctor, because I had to take a double dose of Lortab just to be able to walk.

The drive from the house to the doctor and then walking from the van to the office did me in. I collapsed on the waiting room couch in the doctor's office crying, shaking, sweating, etc. I was in too much pain to even be embarrassed at that point.

They get me into a room and I just lay down on the table while Erik rubs my neck. I was just breathing, trying to not scream and wail in the office. They doctor comes in and gives me some options. He can send me home with a strong painkiller, he can admit me for IV pain medicine and wait until tomorrow morning to re-image, or he can try to get me in for surgery asap.

I told him I'd been doing the wait and see for TEN DAYS and it wasn't getting better and I wanted the mother fucker out. He called down to admissions, scheduled the surgery and shortly thereafter I was being wheeled downstairs to the hospital.

During all this, Erik is making the phone calls - my parents to get the kids, gotta cancel my wax appointment, gotta find a replacement presenter for the luncheon tomorrow, gotta call the office, etc. etc.

Once in the hospital, I finally got hooked up to an IV with some decent pain relief. I slept for most of the afternoon until it was time for my surgery. I didn't really get nervous until I was in the pre-op room and the anesthesia doctor and all the nurses started prepping me. Then it all sorta hit me.

But by then the happy stuff was being administered and I was out.

So. Here's what happened - the doctor went in to remove the cyst and found multiple cysts behind the one they saw on the ultrasound. He had to remove the whole ovary and the tube. I knew that was a possibility so I wasn't too upset about that.

He also had to remove my IUD in order to do the surgery, which was okay because my husband's stupid insurance won't pay for the removal of the device. So that saved me $150 office visit.

But it did make me feel quite awful for Erik - because looking back now he really didn't have to get the vasectomy after all. They could have done a tubal ligation on the other tube while they were in doing the surgery. Um, ooooops. Sorry, Erik - you have no idea how much guilt I am having on that issue right now.

They released me the same night, which was nice - I got to sleep in my own bed and use my own shower. Yesterday I was really sore and uncomfortable, but this morning I am feeling much better. Still sore, of course, but it's just SO nice not to have the constant burning sharp pain I had before. And I have some very nice post-op narcotics that are making this much easier.

I am supposed to be off work for a week, but I just don't see that happening. Unfortunately I have the type of job that nobody else in my office can completely cover. I am planning on staying home Monday, then easing back in Tuesday, just answering messages and mail for a few hours each day, maybe working on some files at home.

It's been quite an adventure. Now that it is over I am starting to be upset about it. I mean, I am done having kids but still - it feels weird that they removed an entire ovary. Does this make me half the woman I used to be?

I mean, I know it doesn't, but these are the thoughts I have falling asleep on high doses of narctorics....

Stunned

2008-03-19T21:24:00.002-04:00

I... I... I just wasn't ready for this. I was talking with Marc about Easter and asked him if he was excited to see what the Easter Bunny brings. He looked at me for a few second like he had a secret he wasn't wanting to share. Then he whispered... Um, Mom... I know it's you.

I just blinked a few times. I asked him how long he's known. He says he figured it out before Christmas - he knows about Santa, the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny... He knows it's me.

I asked if he was afraid to tell me he knew. He said he was because he thought if he told me he wouldn't get presents.

I told him, the secret is this - once you figure it out, you get to help. So he's coming with me tomorrow to help put together a basket for Lisey. And I told him he would still get presents too.

I asked him how he found out and if somebody told him. He said no, he just thought about it and realized it really didn't make much sense. But if it was me and daddy it made sense.

I tucked him in and went into the bathroom and cried. It's just one of those milestones I really wasn't expecting yet and it made me realize how much he's grown up.

Words of Advice

2008-03-14T01:19:00.001-04:00

I realized it has been over a month since I last updated my blog. I have no excuse, except my kids have gotten my hooked on Webkinz so I spend most of my time playing with those little critters.

However, in the past month I have learned two very important lessons that I will share.

#1 - wrap around skirt + windy day = NOT GOOD

#2 - peppermint castille soap + naughty bits = NOT GOOD

Meme time

2008-02-10T11:27:00.000-05:00

Sideon posted this and since I'm currently out of blog ideas I thought I'd play along. I added some questions because I go nuts when there are numbers missing from these!!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes, my mother’s dance teacher.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Right after the parent/teacher conference last week
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It’s okay. I usually print because my cursive looks so girly I don’t like to use it at work. That sounds dumb when I actually write it down.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Corned beef – w/ swiss on toasted rye, w/ spicy mustard
5. HAVE YOU ANY CHILDREN? Yes, two – 7 year old boy and 4 year old girl
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I’d try, but I’m really bad about keeping up contact with people
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Yes, duh.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope – taking out when I was 10 or 11.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Sure!
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I love Rice Chex, but I usually eat Cracklin’ Oat Bran to keep my insides moving along.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Not unless I have to
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? No
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? I love Coffee Heath Bar Crunch from Ben & Jerry’s but have switched to the low fat Cherry Garcia lately
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Height.
15. RED OR PINK? Pink
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I procrastinate
17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING(S)? I like veggies on my pizza.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE YOU KNOW TO DO THIS MEME? Sure!! The more the merrier.
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Jammie pants – red and black plaid from Roxy. No shoes.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Donuts and coffee
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My daughter banging on the piano
22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Cornflower blue
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Peppermint, tangerine
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE? My momma
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO MADE YOU DO THIS STUPID MEME? Sideon didn’t make me do it, and yes, I like him
26. WHICH SPORT DO YOU ENJOY WATCHING MOST? Ice Hockey before it got all wussy-fied. I liked it violent with lots of penalties
27. HAIR COLOR? Dark blonde with lots of grey currently disguised by highlights
28. EYE COLOR? Blue/Green depending on what I’m wearing and the weather
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACT LENSES? Nope
30. FAVORITE FOOD? Mac & Cheese
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? I hate scary movies – happy endings for me!
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Hoot (with the kids). In the theater, the Veggie Tales movie
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black w/ OMG pwnies on it
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer.
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? I am a fool for brownies
37. BOOK SITTING ON YOUR SHELF YOU KEEP MEANING TO READ BUT HAVEN’T YET? Breathing Lessons by Anne Tyler
38. FLOWERS – ROMANTIC OR WASTE OF MONEY SINCE THEY DIE ANYWAY? I think they are romantic.
39. WHAT BOOK(S) ARE YOU READING NOW? Atonement by Ian McEwan (for bookclub this month)
40. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Yoda
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Hoot (see above)
42. FAVORITE SOUND? Cat purring
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Japan
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Nothing extraordinary. I can sight read music really well and that always impressed people. I also have a great memory.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Havre de Grace Maryland

Hop, Skip, Jump

2008-02-05T20:48:00.000-05:00

We got called in for a parent/teacher conference. This strikes fear into the heart of any parent. My first reaction was WHAT DID HE DO?

Nothing bad, whew. His teacher has noticed over the course of the year that Marc is really excelling at math and reading. He decided to test him. He gave Marc the end of third grade assessment. Marc passed.

So now what? Marc has been referred for SST evaluation (Student Services Team). Over the next several weeks we will need to decide what to do with him, including the possibility of moving him from 1st grade directly to 3rd next year.

I want to cry. I don't know what to do. This is very overwhelming to me. I feel like either decision is the right one and the wrong one.

But seriously - what do you do with a seven year old who does this:

Question - create your own problem for ___ + 1 = ___
Marc's answer - ∞ + 1 = ∞

Right now...

2008-01-18T22:24:00.001-05:00

My son and my husband are downstairs playing Halo 3.

My daughter is taking pictures of the cat with her new digital camera.

I am drinking a glass of something new I bought today - V8 Fusion (acai mixed berry) and not only do I love it but BOTH my kids asked for a second glass. One glass counts as one serving of fruit and one serving of vegetables. They think it's Hawaiian punch. Smart V8 people.

This is not a sexy exciting Friday night blog post but right now I am feeling quite content. The combo of Zoloft and Wellbutrin is working well for me. The whole mood of my house is so much better than a few months ago.

I made the comment to Erik the other day that we haven't fought in, like, weeks. He said, yeah, it's been really nice. Then there was a long pause. And I said, yeah, but then I have to acknowledge we were only fighting because I was sorta crazy. He was nice enough to just hug me and not say anything.

Lisey has now moved on from taking pictures of the cat to playing vet. Right now she's trying to fix him up by wrapping him in an ace bandage. I should really go save that poor animal...

A week of Happys

2008-01-11T18:42:00.000-05:00

Wednesday was my Happy Anniversary - 9 years!! We celebrated by getting steamed shrimp and a chocolate dipped fruit bouquet - both indulgences but oooooh so yummalicious. I also bought each of the kids a small present. I feel like they are part of our anniversary because they are part of our marriage.

Tomorrow is Marc's Happy Birthday. Right now I have 9 seven year olds in my basement. It is very noisy. They are all spending the night. I am hoping to survive the evening.....

I heart New York - Day 4

2007-12-31T11:50:00.000-05:00

Our last day in NYC dawned rainy and cold. We really wanted to see Bryant Park so we didn't let the weather ruin our plans. We just bundled up anyway and after another breakfast at the Tick Tock (this time turkey sausage - yuuummmm) we headed on our way.

Bryant Park wasn't crowded at all because of the rain, so we perused all the little shops and I found some cute bearhand mittens for Marc (camoflauge) and Lisey (cheetah, of course). We met another of Sara's friends for coffee - this time I was delighted by the pair of British children at the table next to me. They sounded just like Charlie & Lola. The little boy fell out of his stroller and said, "Mummy, I fell ov-ah."

It was getting to be time to go home, so we enjoyed a slice of greasy cheesy New York pizza in all it's drippy goodness then headed to the train station. The train was completely sold out so boarding was pretty much a total clusterfuck. Sara and I were lucky to get two seats on the same car, catty corner from each other.

Erik picked us up at the station. The rain kept away my homeless drunk lady so she was not there to greet me.

I had a wonderful trip and it was really nice to spend time with my sister. I love New York City - I love its energy and the buzz of life there. Everytime I leave, I'm always looking forward to my next visit!!

I heart New York - Day 3

2007-12-31T11:26:00.000-05:00

The next morning it was time for shopping in Soho!! We got breakfast at the Tick Tock (their homefries are the best) and bundled up. It was pretty chilly the whole time I was there, but with scarves and gloves we were quite comfortable.

And with that I will make a note about fashion in New York. It isn't really fashionable in winter. It is mostly people in layers. Because it's freezing outside then cold in the subway then hot as hell in side every building so you are constantly dressing, undressing, re-dressing, bundling.

Anyway, we went inside a lot of stores in Soho but nothing caught my eye. We ended up at Anthropologie, my favorite store and I found a dress I liked, but when I tried it on... Meh. It just wasn't cute on me.

The girl in the dressing room thought I'd like another dress on the floor, which they only had in a size 4. The blue dress I had tried on was a 6 and she said it looked big to her. So I went ahead and tried the green dress she brought me. It was one of those, on the hanger, blah but when I put it on? POW!!! It looked amazing. It was snug but it fit. I was in love!

We stopped for lunch and then did a little more shopping. Sara found some cute pashminas and I had fun watching all the people who live above the stores who had their blinds open but weren't really dressed yet.

After lunch we decided that a nap would be nice. I am always down with the nap, believe me! For dinner that night Sara took me to 44 & X in Hell's Kitchen. First of all, apparently you have to be a beautiful man to work there. I swear I have never seen so many men in one place that were all... beautiful. It was almost eerie.

Sara & I sat at the bar so I was right next to where all the servers came to put in their drink orders. This gave me an excellent view of the eye candy, as each one had to stand right next to me several times over the course of the evening. It also gave me an earful of their private conversations, and yes, I am pretty sure that every single one of those waiters was gay.

Sara assured me that they had the best mac & cheese she'd ever had and she was right. It was that good. I love me some mac & cheese but this was beyond amazing. We also split the crab fritter which had huge chunks of crabmeat in it. Being for Maryland I am picky about my crab dishes but this was excellent.

Over-stuffed from dinner, it was time for the show. Sara and I always loved the movie Xanadu. I still know all the words to all the songs. When I found it it was coming to Broadway, I knew we HAD to go. And it was great!

The show was campy and cheesy and overdone. But it was all done very tongue-in-cheek so it was just hilarious from start to finish. I loved it. What's not to love? Glowsticks, men in hot pants on roller skates, leg warmers - it was heaven. Dare I say... Xanadu?

After the show we went to another bar to meet up with some more of Sara's friends. I tried a caramel apple martini this time. It was so good but so sweet. I couldn't have more than one but the one I had gave me a decent buzz that lasted for a few hours.

We took a cab back to the hotel and standing at the corner waiting to cross the street, Sara said, "Um, is that guy peeing over there?" And I looked and yup - not only was he peeing right there on the sidewalk, but his whole junk was just hanging out. Hello, twigs and berries. We both just started giggling so he waved and slurred, "Happy Holidays, ladies!!"

And that was my NYC moment of the trip.

I heart New York - Day 1 and 2

2007-12-31T11:03:00.001-05:00

My trip to NYC started out with me, standing on the platform at the Amtrak station and a drunk homeless woman standing on the other side of the tracks yelling "You just get on that train cracker!! That's right, cracker bitch, get on your train!!"

This was NOT in New York, by the way. I was still in my hometown. The actual train ride was not nearly as exciting. I arrived at Penn Station and checked into my hotel and decided I was really hungry. The New Yorker hotel has a great diner downstairs called the Tick Tock Diner - it is open 24 hours a day and I've never had anything there that wasn't good.

DAMN I was in the mood for a BLT so that's what I had for dinner. After that, believe it or not I was really tired so I went to bed early that night.

The next morning I got up early and went to the Natural History Museum. I walked by all the windows at Macy's on my way to the subway. They really are incredible. I was one of those gawking tourists standing on the sidewalk with my mouth gaping open.

The museum was amazing and HUGE. I didn't see even close to everything in the museum before I was starving and needed lunch. The museum was not very crowded either. There were several school groups, but they could be easily avoided and I found myself in many of the exhibits completely alone. It was just me and the security guard in the hall of gems, which was one of favorite exhibits. I love sparkly, what can I say?

After lunch it was time for shopping. I made my way back to Times Square and ventured into the giant Toys R Us. I have to say, it was crowded but not nearly as bad as I expected. I got a cheetah for Lisey and some legos for Marc. The line was long but moved so fast I felt the need to tell my cashier how impressed I was. Seriously, I've waited longer than that at my local Toys R Us with one person in front of me.

People watching is one of my favorite activities and Times Square is the best place in the world to do it. I settled myself into a window seat at Starbucks with a coffee and a slice of banana chocolate chip bread for the next hour or so, just watching the people pass by.

I had a few hours before my sister's train arrived, so I decided to take a nap. Aaaaaaaaaah, it felt nice. Once my sister joined me, our first order of business was FOOD.

New York is fun to visit with my sister Sara because she lived there and worked on Broadway and she knows all the good places to go that are not just for tourists. We decided on Mexican and she took me to Tacocita.

Lord almighty, that was some good eating. I had tamales, one chicken and one pork and BOTH fabulous. And the guacamole? I don't really like guacamole but I was scraping the bowl with the last remaining shards of chips to get it all.

After dinner we went to meet one of Sara's friends for drinks. She works on Curtains, so we grabbed a table at the Atrium in the Marriott Marquee and waited. I spent about an hour just watching the elevators go up and down. Okay that sounds kinda stupid, but seriously - these elevators are really cool. I felt like I was in a space port.

My other favorite activity of that evening was watching the mom and dad next to us downing several bottles of wine while their essentially unattended two boys (I am guessing 6 and 8 years old?) went apeshit all over the bar. I found it extremely entertaining but the bartenders didn't seem to enjoy it quite as much.

I learned very quickly that it is wise to order a frou frou drink in a frou frou bar. The Irish coffee I got first was awful. Really awful. So I got one of their signature drinks - a pear martini and Ooooooooh, that was tasty.

It was getting to be past midnight by then and I am old so I was ready for bed. We walked back to the hotel and I totally crashed. I forgot how much walking there was to do in New York!!

Sorry for the delay!!

2007-12-30T20:40:00.000-05:00

We had a computer crash that necessitated my personal nerd herder (that would be my husband) wiping the hard drive and reinstalling everything. It's taken quite some time but so far the computer is running fine. Anyway, I am back now and ready to update!! Stay tuned!

Start spreading the news...

2007-12-20T10:39:00.000-05:00

I'm leaving today!! In five hours I will be on a train headed to Penn Station. I worked very hard to get this trip and am so excited that I'm having a hard time sitting still at my desk long enough to finish up all the last minute little things I need to do.

Thank you to everyone who has left kind thoughts and emails over the past few weeks. I have been on the new meds now for two weeks and they are starting to work. I am feeling much better. I am still a little blue, but have to remind myself that I feel BETTER, and there is a little more improvement every day, so that is what's I focus on.

Just for example, it's amazing to look at my time sheet - the first week of December I barely billed 3 hours every day. This week I have billed doubled that every day. I have caught up on files that have literally been just sitting on my desk for two months.

I'll update when I return from NYC, hopefully with some fun pictures and stories!

Snow Day

2007-12-05T21:42:00.000-05:00

Erik went with me to the doctor this morning. I love my physician. She is in her thirties and we have kids about the same age. She is just incredibly understanding and always says the right thing. She listened to all my concerns and frustrations. We are going to try a combination of Zoloft and Wellbutrin to see if that works for me.

I started to cry as I left the doctor's office - a mixture of relief and frustration and anger. It's hard to describe. I know I need to do this and I know the Zoloft is already helping, but it's still upsetting. My doctor reminded me that you can't wish depression away. Thinking positive thoughts doesn't work, just like it doesn't work in treating arthritis or asthma or diabetes or any other chronic illness.

When I left the doctor it was snowing. By the time I got my presciptions filled it was starting to cover the roads and schools were calling for an early dismissal. I wasn't feeling up to going back to work so I used the weather as an excuse to go home. Erik and I had a nice lunch of soup from Panera and then spent the afternoon putting up the Christmas decorations.

I picked up the kids early but I was so exhausted and emotionally drained I ended up taking a nap while they watched TV. We had a Christmas party to go tonight and Erik made me go. I really really really didn't want to, but I did end up having a great time. I was glad Erik forced me to get up and out of the house.

The roads driving home were awful - the snow is really coming down and it is cold enough that it's sticking. Erik and Marc are both praying for a snow day tomorrow but I have to go to work no matter what. I am horribly behind after spending the past month essentially staring out the window unable to properly deal with pressing matters.

My plan for tomorrow is to take care of all the easy stuff (quick letters, wills, etc.) in order to move the greatest number of files off my desk as possible. Off to bed now.

Feeling Better

2007-11-30T00:06:00.001-05:00

Thanks to everyone for supportive comments this week. It really helped me get through some rough moments.

I am feeling better today. Erik is out of town until Saturday night but I took both kids by myself to his dad's house for dinner and cake (for Erik's bro's birthday). I really had to make myself go, but I'm glad I went. I got to hold my new niece for awhile and she's SO beautiful.

Then I swear to GOD this video the birthday boy showed us made me laugh so hard I was on the floor crying:

Another Sleepless Night

2007-11-28T02:15:00.000-05:00

Today was not a good day. I am feeling drained and after reading the kids their new Christmas books, I just sorta stayed on the floor of the living room curled up staring at the fireplace. Marc is such a sweetie - he asked what was wrong and I told him I was just feeling a little bit sick. He got his pillow and blanket and came out and curled up next to me on the floor.

I just went ahead and got ready for bed and was asleep by ten. Marc had a nightmare around midnight and woke me up moaning and fussing. I brought him in to snuggle up with me but he had a hard time settling back down and by the time he was finally back asleep, I was wide awake. And now I can't get back to sleep.

I am still feeling stressed at work. I have been involved for several years in a highly contested case and it became highly contested again this week. I allowed myself today to not return any phone calls about it but tomorrow I know I have to jump back in and it will be most unpleasant.

Tomorrow I am meeting with one of the partners to discuss a new direction for me at the office. I am hoping if it works out I will be able to start phasing out the litigation portion of my practice. It's a simple matter of economics - if I can bring in money handling this new venture I can justify turning away other types of cases.

I am taking it day by day right now. My main focus is keeping myself together for my kids, and it is just requiring way way more energy than it should. I am getting through work by making very detailed lists and then just checking things off one at a time, forcing myself to keep going.

Really, the person getting the brunt of it is Erik and I don't know what to do about that other than just beg for his patience. He offered to come with me to my doctor's appointment next week and that meant a lot to me. Between trying to keep it together in front of the kids and trying to squeak by at work, I just don't have anything left for him right now. And that makes me unspeakably sad.

It's back

2007-11-27T00:33:00.000-05:00

It's like a mist that sorta slowly filters in. At first the world just looks not-quite-so-clear but then gradually it obscures everything. Then it's just dark.

I realized today that I spent an entire really fun holiday weekend with my family doing things I love... and I didn't smile. Not once. Erik kept asking what was wrong and all I could do was shrug.

Because nothing is wrong. Except I constantly am on the verge of tears. I feel trapped in my life. I spent all day thinking of ways to escape my job, my marriage, my family. There's a constant loop running in my head telling me everyone I know would be better off without me.

I should have seen it coming. The insomnia. The increasing unwillingness to endure social situations - a missed luncheon here, a last minute cancelled coffee with a friend there. The growing pile of laundy I just couldn't bring myself to put away.

Erik finally had enough of it tonight and told me it's time to stop pretending it's just going to pass. I'm starting back on the Zoloft. I have enough from my last refill to start phasing back on it. I'll call tomorrow for a new prescription.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

Impending Holidays

2007-11-20T21:43:00.000-05:00

As an update to my last post, I was officially fired today - by the client's wife. This was after I left 3 phone messages and sent a letter to her husband (which he never responded to). I finally sent an email to his wife in desparation to find out what the heck was going on with him.

It became clear to me as we spoke that the problem is not me at all. For example, she bitched at me today that her husband has not received any messages or letters from me in response to her message. Well, that's very interesting... Because I've been trying like crazy to get a hold of him.

Suddenly I realized the problem is that my client DOES NOT TALK TO HIS WIFE and rather than accept that her husband is not telling her important details she chooses to assume I am not doing my job. I am still annoyed but not enough to lose sleep any longer.

So, we are leaving tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving in Virginia Beach with my family. I learned today that there is wi-fi so I will be taking my laptop and can hopefully update my blog from there.

Happy Thanksgiving all!!

Insomnia

2007-11-14T23:59:00.001-05:00

I'm having a hard time sleeping tonight so I thought maybe getting up to blog will help me barf some of this stuff out and I will feel better.

I went shopping over the weekend to buy new skirts for work. My old skirts were literally falling off so to avoid a major wardrobe malfunction I had to get something that fit. Today I wore a size 4 to work. And all day I kept looking in the mirror convinced that it MUST be too small, but it wasn't. It actually really fits.

I have learned as a rule that people won't really notice weight loss until you start wearing a new size. And today I noticed a great disparity in reactions of men vs. women to what I was wearing. Men made nice comments (such as "wow, you look great") and women made catty comments (such as "soon you'll probably just disappear" and "my god, are you starving yourself or something?").

These reactions really bother me. I am angry that after working so hard all these months to get in shape that I still feel self-conscious because other women are still judging me. I am angry that I even care.

I also found out today that I am probably getting fired by a client. You'd think this wouldn't bother me because really it happens all the time. I always tell people that it is important to have a good fit between lawyer and client. Sometimes personalities and styles just don't mesh. I don't usually get offended when someone decides to get another lawyer - sometimes I am the one who suggests it.

I don't know why exactly this one is bothering me, but it's on mind tonight. I think it's because I didn't see this one coming. I know the client didn't agree with my assessment of the case, but I respected his decision on how to proceed and felt we were making progress in that direction. To receive a very terse message, not even from him but from his wife, that he was picking up his file tomorrow afternoon just felt bad. It felt lousy and I'm upset by it.

Last night I learned that Lisey is a tactile learner. Marc is kinesthetic and so is Erik. I am visual. I left this meeting with the realization that 90% of my frustrations with my children and my husband are a direct result of the fact that I never stopped to consider they don't perceive and process the world like I do.

I think my migraines might be getting worse. Lately when I get them I not only have the headache but I also get horrible vertigo. I have fallen over a few times because the room seems to turn and I can't keep my balance. And then my brain seems to short circuit for several days even after the pain is gone. I have a hard time coming up with names or words and feel distracted and scattered.

I am really looking forward to Friday. It is an early dismissal day for elementary schools, which means I have an excuse to leave work at lunchtime and spend the afternoon with Marc. He will watch TV or play video games while I get a glorious nap. Then we will get pizza for dinner. Erik has poker night so I will put the kids to bed early and then get the TV all to myself to catch up on The Hills and America's Next Top Model.

It really is way past bedtime. This was therapeutic but oh my, I will be tired tomorrow morning.

Quirks

2007-11-14T20:57:00.000-05:00

Erik tagged me to list 7 random things about me. I've already done this before a few times so I told him he had to help me think of new quirky things to share. This is what we came up with:

1. I like a lot of ice in my drink. When Erik gets me a drink, I tell him to put how many ice cubes he thinks I'd want then add three.

2. I have the directional awareness of a homing pigeon. You take me someplace, I can find my way back. If I've been there once, I can get there again.

3. I hate pickles. All of them. In any form. Dill, sweet, kosher, whatever. Gross gross gross.

4. I have a different wreath for my front door for every month of the year.

5. I love guinea pigs. Before I had children, I kept pet guinea pigs. I had all sorts of pig accessories too - a pigloo and a cavy cozy. And once I even made Erik come with me to a pignic where all my guinea pig friends got together with their guinea pigs for a big party. When my guinea pigs died, I made Erik bury them in our local state park.

6. My closet is completely organized by color. It's like a rainbow in there.

7. Erik finds it quirky that I have twenty different bottles of shampoo and soap in the shower, but I think this is totally normal girl behavior. They are all different smells - somedays I want fruity, maybe musky, maybe floral, maybe spicy. Doesn't everyone have different shampoos and soaps for different moods?!?

American Education Week

2007-11-12T18:57:00.001-05:00

I went to a continuing education conference today. It ended early afternoon, which left me with some free time. Since it's American Education Week, I figured I'd stop by Marc's school to spend some time watching him.

I got there just in time for SSR (for those who don't remember, that's Silent Sustained Reading) and Marc & I were able to sit on the carpet in the corner and read to each other. After that, it was Math. They had to figure out how to make 42 cents out of 6 coins and I am ashamed to say about half the 1st graders had that solved before me. (And there are two correct answers!)

I didn't realize how far Marc has pulled ahead in math. While the rest of his class worked on some basic addition, Marc was learning how to add 3 three-digit numbers. Like, 203 + 357 + 859. That sort of thing.

This was something new for him, so I sat with him and showed him how to carry. We did the first few together, but then he wanted to try by himself. He did a pretty good job, though sometimes forgot to actually add the number he carried. I supposed since he's only 6, it's a skill he has plenty of time to acquire. I even tried to trick him by giving him a problem that would require him to carry a 2 instead of a 1, but that wasn't tricky to him at all.

Seriously, he's kind of starting to scare me a little bit...

Wedding Pictures!

2007-11-10T09:54:00.000-05:00

Last night was my best friend's wedding. Everything went well - the only crisis was that the bride's shoes got lost. We ended up having to substitute another pair (brown) with the assurance to her that nobody would notice her shoes. Nobody did. She looked beautiful and the wedding was lovely. I splurged and had my hair done professionally. Here's some pics!!

Here's Lisey and I getting ready.

Here's a picture of the dress!!

Lisey was quite a hit at the reception, as she grabbed the mike, hopped up on a chair and sang DonCha by the Pussycat Dolls. Lisey was the life of the party. She lasted through the whole reception (past 11:00).

Marc was less excited. He was jealous he wasn't part of the wedding party so he played his PSP most the night. When the battery died, he was done and my parents took him home.

I will have to post pics of Erik when I get some. We didn't have any on our camera. He was quite handsome in his tux.

A Double Milestone!

2007-11-06T11:44:00.001-05:00

Last night Marc lost another tooth. He's now missing both bottom front teeth.

The tooth fairy brought him a gold dollar, a silver dollar plus a bonus half dollar for losing two in one day.

And his bottom molars just broke through.

I can't keep up with how fast he's growing!!