theshortestblogintheworld

The eye doctor told me I have run out of tears.

2009-12-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

Then he said I may never be able to wear contacts again and I immediately proved his first theory wrong.

Really? All the other names were taken?

2009-12-03T09:51:00.000-08:00

I have learned that carrying a car seat into a car dealership drastically reduces your negotiating power.

2009-12-01T12:29:00.001-08:00

For those of you who have been following my blog, the good news is that I FINALLY got a new car.

The older I get the more little boys I see wearing suits.

2009-11-25T09:15:00.000-08:00

Oh, the To Do list of a 9-year old.

2009-11-23T20:28:00.000-08:00

I am oddly comforted by heavy rains causing an Eggo shortage. Somehow it makes Eggos seem like actual food.

2009-11-21T06:04:00.000-08:00

"Freaking" is the training bra of swears.

2009-11-11T08:40:00.000-08:00

Taking it out of my kids' vocabulary.

I'm convinced the internet was invented by Ritalin. Nice job, guys.

2009-11-10T14:12:00.000-08:00

When automatic sinks don't work immediately when I put my hands under the faucet, I momentarily question whether I actually exist.

2009-11-04T14:34:00.000-08:00

We should all have police lights and sirens to pop on our car when we really need to get somewhere fast. But only be allowed to use it 3 times. Ever.

2009-11-04T06:15:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T17:10:00.000-07:00

(Knock, Knock. I open the door.)
Voice: It's someone you know!
Me: Who is it?
Voice: It's your son! (I know it's my son. He's not wearing a mask or anything.)
Me: How do I know it's my son and not someone dressed up as my son?
Voice: It's really me! Touch my face! See?

And I silently vow to be more like an 8-year old in my heart.

"So I told my husband 400 random strippers is way better than one special one."

2009-10-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

This is not the sentence to be saying when you're talking a little too loud and the restaurant suddenly gets very quiet. Don't ask me how I know this.

I'm pretty sure that in my past life I was Pavlov's dog.

2009-10-26T17:32:00.000-07:00

I know the placebo effect does not work for weight loss because I truly believe, with 100% certainty, that I should be a size 4.

2009-10-22T19:46:00.000-07:00

After 20 years of living in Boston, I finally became a New Englander. I bought skis!

2009-10-18T16:18:00.001-07:00

Great new/used sale at the town lift:

New Rossingnol skis: $229
Bindings: $0
Helmet, goggles and poles: $55
Never having to tell the ski rental guy my weight again: priceless

There's a reason God made women have to sit down to pee.

2009-10-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

I think he knew how tired we'd be. Thanks for the 37-second break, Dude!

The person who named the manhole really didn't overthink that one.

2009-10-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

I am going to try to be more like the manhole namer today.

College now costs $40k a year. I think I'd rather just give my kids $160K and a 4-year head start.

2009-10-08T07:13:00.000-07:00

That is, if I had $160.

I bought my car the same month I had my first child.

2009-10-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

Here is a valet parking attendant's report on any scratches, dents or object missing from my car. I'm happy to report the kid is in much better shape.

They say when you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life.

2009-09-28T04:34:00.000-07:00

I say when you do what you really, really love you'll work days, nights, weekends, on your commute, in the shower, while you're on the treadmill and sometimes even in your sleep.

Sorry I haven't updated lately. For me it goes: kids, work, blog. For the past eight weeks I've been pretty wrapped up with the first two.

The only problem with an alarm clock that wakes you to the sounds of nature is that you get conditioned to wake to the sounds of nature.

2009-09-20T05:37:00.000-07:00

Birds chirp at 5:50 am. And now I'm a morning person.

Life is what happens while your mother is holding the video camera sideways.

2009-09-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry, dear.

I always feel sad when I notice a fly has gotten caught in my car. Especially if I'm on a long trip.

2009-09-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

Now I've relocated a fly. When we get out he'll have to make all new friends. Find a new family. Get a new job. And he's only got 2 to 4 weeks to do it.

Today, Kat Jaibur guest posts. Thanks, Kat!

2009-09-04T05:41:00.000-07:00

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I felt bad because I had no Gmail. Then I met a man who had no Twitter.

(Follow Kat at @katjaib)

Dropped the kids off for the first day of school: no new shoes, no haircuts, forgot to tell them what classrooms they're in.

2009-09-02T10:50:00.000-07:00

But I swear they were MENTALLY prepared.