Whittington's Diary

Hello Our Kingdom readers

2007-09-22T23:51:00.000+01:00

I raise a paw in welcome to anyone who has reached me because of James Graham's article on the Lib Dem blogosphere.

My original blog, which he describes as the very first Lib Dem Blog, can be found here.

Still purring

2005-05-26T23:01:00.000+01:00

I am flattered that people are still coming here although the election has been over for three weeks. Personally, I am now considering a number of offers - for instance a chat show on French television.

If you would like to read Susan Kramer's maiden speech in the Commons, click here.

And if you want some topical reading try Liberal England, the blog of my helper Jonathan Calder.

The Richmond Park result

2005-05-06T17:30:00.000+01:00

Susan Kramer (Liberal Democrat) 24,011
Marco Forgione (Conservative) 20,280
James Butler (Labour) 4,768
James Page (Green) 1,379
Peter Dul (UKIP) 458
Peter Flower (Christian Peoples Alliance) 288
Margaret Harrison (Independent) 83
George Weiss (Vote for Yourself Rainbow Dream Ticket) 63
Richard Meacock (Independent)

Majority 3,731
Turnout 72.8%

It's a one horse race

2005-05-03T22:37:00.000+01:00

I went to the bookies today to have a look at the odds in Richmond Park. I am afraid they have got it about right:

Liberal Democrat Party 1/4
Conservative Party 7/2
Labour Party 100/1

No fortunes to be made there

Talking of the bookies, here is a message for any greyhounds who may be reading this:

IT'S NOT A REAL HARE. IT'S POWERED BY ELECTRICITY. THEY'LL NEVER LET YOU CATCH IT.

I don't know why I bother.

Dealing with the dog menace

2005-05-03T00:01:00.000+01:00

Richard Allan reports an extraordinary advertisement for a Tory council candidate in Sheffield:

The Lib Dems, they say incorrectly but in line with their other wild claims about our policies, want to impose a dog tax. The reason for this is to make dogs homeless. They want dogs to be homeless because the Lib Dem Leader is Scottish. Because he is Scottish he likes haggis. Haggis, they say (presumably they are not concerned about the Scots vote in Sheffield), is made of dog meat and there is a shortage of dogs. If you vote Lib Dem then by January 25th next year (they helpfully explain that this is Burns Night) all the dogs in Sheffield will have been turned into haggis.

Speaking in a purely personal capacity, this sounds an excellent idea to me. But apparently it is not party policy.

Richard thinks it is meant to be funny. I suppose the lesson is that you have to be rather an odd person to be a Tory activist these days. So there leaflets will be increasingly, er, barking.

Incidentally, I was pleased to see Jeremy Thorpe returning to the political fray. Now there was a Liberal who knew how to deal with dogs.

Another Liberal cat

2005-05-02T23:57:00.000+01:00

Hello to Mitsa, who keeps an eye on Peter Black AM.

Phwoar!!

Vote Lib Dem, Get Lib Dem

2005-05-02T11:35:00.000+01:00

I changed at Earls Court this morning to hear Tony Blair speaking in Wimbledon. "Vote Lib Dem and let a Tory in," he says.

Let's look at the result in Richmond Park last time:

Liberal Democrat 23,444
Conservative 18,480
Labour 5,541
Greens 1,223
UKIP 348
Independent 115

You don't need a degree in hard sums to see that if every Labour supporter in Richmond Park voted Lib Dem, the Tories would lose even more heavily.

Reader's voice: But what about the national picture?

Whittington replies: It's a Bank Holiday. I don't have time for higher mathematics. But as a special favour I shall point you towards this blog posting. It proves that no amount of Labour voters switching to the Lib Dems could bring about a majority Tory government.

Our friends in the Midlands

2005-05-01T23:40:00.000+01:00

The Lib Dem candidate in Birmingham Yardley - one of their top target seats - is John Hemming. According to his own blog, he pays the food bills for six cats. (No nonsense about ownership, you will note.)

What a splendid man! I hope he wins on Thursday.

At Tory Central Office

2005-04-30T16:57:00.000+01:00

I sneak into a high-level meeting at Tory Central Office.

It’s not like the old one in Smith Square: it is over a coffee bar. I was just making a few observations to Tim Collins about school discipline when he was called away to make a skinny latte for someone.

Lynton Crosby is very pleased with life. Apparently his strategy revolves around making everyone think that the Tories have no chance.

And it is going very well. All over the country Tory candidates are sending out leaflets that give the impression that they are designed to appeal to elderly Mosleyites and nobody else.

He reveals his new poster. It is a giant photo of Michael Howard with the slogan “Vote for this drongo? I’d rather have me todger sawn off with a rusty tin of Fosters!”

“That should lull the bastards,” he enthuses.

Howard asks if this is really necessary. Crosby asks what else he proposes.

“You don’t expect people to vote for you because they trust you or like your policies, do you Michael?”

The family castle

2005-04-29T19:06:00.000+01:00

We don't like to make too much of it, but you might be interested in Whittington Castle.

Found in a Whitehall dustbin

2005-04-27T22:13:00.000+01:00

I was nosing around the dustbins in Whitehall this afternoon. (You often find some discarded smoked salmon there.)

A document caught my eye. It had "Do it again! TB" scrawled across the bottom in red, but it was still possible to read the text. Here are a few highlights:

The language of resolution 1441 leaves the position unclear and the statements made on adoption of the resolution suggest that there were differences of view within the Council as to the legal effect of the resolution.
I remain of the opinion that the safest legal course would be to secure the adoption of a further resolution to authorise the use of force.
You will need to consider very carefully whether the evidence of non-cooperation and non-compliance by Iraq is sufficiently compelling to justify the conclusion that Iraq has failed to take its final opportunity.
There are no grounds for arguing that an "unreasonable veto" would entitle us to proceed on the basis of a presumed Security Council authorisation.

I decided to send a page of it to the Guardian. If they give in to my demands, sack Polly Toynbee and give me a twice-weekly column, I may send them another page tomorrow.

Up on the roof

2005-04-26T23:24:00.000+01:00

This morning I was up on John Prescott's roof in Hull, stalking a pigeon.

Then the Special Branch turned up and things got rather complicated. Still, I got bail in the end.

From my correspondence

2005-04-26T21:27:00.000+01:00

I received a letter the other day (you can reach me at this address) and replied in the following terms. I have yet to hear back.

If this is a case of discrimination against cats then I shall lobby the new government to do something about it.

Failing that, there is always the ballot for private members' bills...

That correspondence in full

Hello Paul

I am a cat. Does this alter the legal situation?

Warm regards

Whittington

On Wed, 20 Apr 2005 20:06:46 +0200, "Pual Adesina"<http://www.fastmail.fm/mail/?MLS=MR-**2*;SMB-MF-SF=Date_1;SMR-Part=;SMR-MsgId=2;SMB-MF-DI=10;Ust=09bd78a0!226b41a5;SMR-FM=1;SMB-CF=3971058;UDm=49;MSignal=MC-FromName*U-1*pauladesina11%40fsmail.net> said:
> Good day,
> My name is Paul Adesina staff of the ACCESS BANK PLC. I am an accountant
> with the said bank, I discovered an account with the sum of
> US$27.800,000.00.( Twentyseven million eight hundred thousand US dollars)
> that has been abandoned and unserviced for more than eleven years
> belonging to one of our customer. Our banking law stipulates that if such
> account remain unserviced and the fund unclaimed for twelve years, the
> money will be confiscated and go to the bank revenue as an unclaimed
> fund.

> It is unpon this discovery my colleaques and I decided to make our
> secret and personal inquiries about the account's owner (depositor) and
> the next of kin, but sadly, he died with his Wife and only child in a
> plane crash. We solicit that you stand as the next of kin so that the
> money will be transfered to your account or any other account you may
> provide for us. We proposed that the money be shared as follows, 30% for
> you, 70% for my colleaques and I. As officials of the bank, we have the
> full account information and document to surport your claim.

> Please, could you urgently notify me of your acceptance to assist in this
> transaction, I shall inturn provide you with all necessary information
> about the account and the modalities for a formal application to secure
> the claim and the immediate transfer of the fund to your account or any
> other account you may provide for us.

> I believe you do understand the confidential nature of this transaction
> and hope you will be honest and trustworthy.

> Best regards,

> Paul Adesina

Newts at Ten

2005-04-23T09:48:00.000+01:00

Extract from an interview with Banksie the Newt:

How are you, Banksie?

My feet are sore.

Why's that?

Whittington made me deliver the whole of North Sheen the other evening while he played that computer game. Then he turned up for the last two houses and got his picture in the Richmond & Twickenham Times.

Go on, read that headline.

"LIB DEM CAT MAKES PURR-FECT DELIVERY"

It's sickening, isn't it?

I ask the questions, thank you. But you obviously feel strongly about this.

Yes, for too long we amphibians have been downtrodden. We must rise up and take control of the means of production. We must march on Downing Street. We must cease the BBC.

Then there would be programmes on television we want to watch...

...Like what?

Well, Newts at Ten for one.

You are obviously a bit of a radical, Banksie. I take it you will be voting Labour.

Vote Labour? Of course not. Why would anyone with radical views vote Labour these days?

For the history and career of Banksie, click here.

Playing the race card

2005-04-22T22:12:00.000+01:00

I was in Dover today. You will often find me there, waiting to hop over to the Continent by hovercat.

This afternoon I was there for Tony Blair's speech on immigration.

While we waited for him to appear, we were played Vera Lynn's greatest hits over the public address system. Eventually he appeared - wearing a tin hat.

He looked rather like Private Pike in Dad's Army.

"Let no one say that British people aren't decent, aren't generous," he said. "And let no one say we'll let any more foreigners in."

There was a commotion after the speech when Nick Robinson from ITN asked: "Prime Minister, why was every face in the audience white? Aren't you playing the race card as well?"

Mr Blair look flustered. He went pale under his orange suntan. He looked desperately around the hall.
"There!" he said, pointing directly at me. "He's black - well, black and white at any rate."

I refuse to be a token anything, so I left in a huff. (That's a kind of taxi you find in the channel ports.)

A better question would be why there weren't more cats in the audience.

Leaflet delivering: An apology from Whittington

2005-04-20T19:20:00.000+01:00

This morning I offered to do some leaflet delivering in North Sheen.

Susan is working so hard that I like to do my bit. Mostly I offer strategic advice and rodent control services, but sometimes you have to put paw to pavement.

Just as I was setting off, someone sent me a link to a new game: WMD Hunt. In it, you search 10 Downing Street looking for those elusive "Weapons of Mass Destruction".

You remember. They were the ones in Iraq that were so dangerous we had to go to war without delay.

I have found all sorts of things at No. 10 in the game, but not poor Humphrey. He was the Downing Street cat and first martyr of the Blair premiership. (The word in the alley is that he is buried somewhere under the Millennium Dome.)

The game is addictive - in fact I have just looked at the clock and seen it is after seven.

I have sent Banksie the Newt out with the leaflets and will catch him up when I have played WMD Hunt just once more...

Tories fly off in all directions

2005-04-19T22:05:00.000+01:00

At the Conservative press conference this morning, everything is clear.

Michael Howard says there is no truth in reports that senior MPs, including Shadow Cabinet members, have asked him to tone down his rhetoric.

Liam Fox says “one or two malcontents” are unhappy with the focus on immigration in the campaign.

No contradiction there then.

Afterwards I tag along when they hurry to the heliport to fly to Peterborough.

As the rotors start to spin there is a horrible grinding noise and clouds of blue smoke billow out across London.

"I think we should get the train," says Howard.

"We shall fly on to victory in this machine," says Fox, as the engine explodes. "We don't listen to malcontents."

How Kennedy saw off Paxman

2005-04-18T21:13:00.000+01:00

I missed Charles Kennedy's stumble over local income tax at his early morning press conference. I don't do early mornings. I like to stay in the airing cupboard until the streets are, well, aired.

But I was determined not to miss this evening's interview, which was recorded earlier in the afternoon at Albert Dock in Liverpool.

I took precaution of taking with me a number of placards carrying the main points of our policies, in case Charles found himself in a tight corner. Whenever Paxman tried to catch him out I would hold up the relevant one, allowing him to read off the details.

My one omission was not to have a placard telling him what to say if he was asked about the leadership of the party. When he looked to me for guidance on that one, I gave an expansive shrug involving all four paws.

I think he saw this as me rolling on my back in ecstasy at the thought of his carrying on, and answered accordingly.

Finishing behind a dog

2005-04-14T13:57:00.000+01:00

John Hemming, the Liberal Democrat candidate in Birmingham Yardley, has revealed that he once lost an election to a dog.

I am speechless.

Please note that I did not write:

John Hemming, the Liberal Democrat candidate in Birmingham Yarldley, has revealed that he once lost an election to a dog - and I don't mean Estelle Morris!

If you want that sort of cheap humour, please go elsewhere. We cats have higher standards.

Ming in charge

2005-04-13T17:19:00.000+01:00

I have spent the day following Sir Menzies Campbell around as he acts as acting Lib Dem leader. And boy is he acting.

He launches policies. He dispatches helicopters here and battlebuses there. Troops of canvassers are sent into marginal seats and then redirected when the next opinion poll arrives. He’s even commissioned a new song for the party: “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that Ming.”

During the afternoon Charles Kennedy phoned to see how things were going. “Everything is under control,” Ming assured him. “Please don’t feel under any pressure to rush back.”

“Did you get those books I sent you?” Ming went on. “That’s’ right: “Why Baby Needs Pop at Home. Don’t forget the toddler years either. Sarah will need help with the Terrible Twos. Then there’s middle childhood. Donald will want Dad to watch his shinty games, or whatever it is you find to do on Skye. And you must read The Teenage Boy and the Importance of Male Role Models. You don’t want him hanging round bus shelters in Fort William drinking White Lightning, do you?”

“No, Charles,” he concluded, “there’s really no need for you to hurry back at all.”

Dodgy doings in Dorset

2005-04-12T18:23:00.000+01:00

You have probably heard about Ed Matts and his doctored photographs. The Tory candidate for Dorset South has been caught out. He altered a picture showing him and Ann Widdecombe protesting against the deportation of a family.

In the original photograph he was holding a picture of the family and Ann Widdecombe was holding a sign saying "Let Them Stay". In the version he printed in his election leaflet he is holding a notice saying "Controlled Immigration" and Ann Widdecombe's now says "Not Chaos & Inhumanity".

Only in the modern Conservative Party would a candidate feel the need to cover up an act of decency like defending a local family from deportation.

But all this has made me look at Mr Matts' leaflets with a more quizzical eye. Take his photograph captioned "Rolf Harris helps Ed Matts collect signatures for a petition in Swanage High Street".

It may be Rolf, but I have a strong suspicion that someone has drawn a beard and glasses on that photo of Ann Widdecombe with a black marker pen.

I also have grave doubts about the one showing Groucho Marx canvassing in Weymouth.

Babies are better than manifestos

2005-04-11T20:19:00.000+01:00

I wandered down to Liberal Democrat HQ in Cowley Street this afternoon. The place was in uproar.

"It's all gone wrong," someone wailed, "the birth was meant to take place in the week before polling day." He pointed to a wall chart where Monday 1 May was circled in red. "Can's she hold on till then?"

It all makes sense now. Last year I saw the Lib Dem supremo poring over one of Clare Rayner's books on sex education, with a lunar calendar, a thermometer and the tide tables for Kyle of Lochalsh laid out on the desk in front of him.

I wonder if he confused metric and Imperial measures or forgot to allow for British Summer Time?

He should not worry too much about cancelling the manifesto launch. No one reads them, and everyone goes soppy over new babies.

Extract from an interview with Banksie

2005-04-10T20:47:00.000+01:00

What's your favourite line from the movies?

It comes in The Servant when Dirk Bogarde tells James Fox:

I'm a gentleman's gentleman. And you're no bloody gentleman.

I likes that.

Michael Howard on immigration

2005-04-10T20:32:00.000+01:00

It hasn't taken this election campaign long to descend into the gutter, has it?

Just take a look at this report of his speech in Telford today:

As the 2005 election campaign kicked off, he said immigration was "out of control" and insisted that the issue had been a "no go area" for politicians for too long.
Speaking in Telford, he said: "Mr Blair may want to pussyfoot around this issue, but I don't."

Disgusting, isn't it? No politician should deal in crude stereotypes like this.

"Pussyfooting"? I'll give him bloody pussyfooting. And I won't have my claws sheathed either.

And I don't like his views on immigration much either. What Howard misses is that Britain has always gained from immigration whether it has been by the Huguenots , Jews fleeing pogroms in Russia, East African Asians or Transylvanian tailors.

We should be secure enough in our identity to welcome people from other cultures so that we can be enriched by...

Excuse me. That Siamese from next door is in my garden again.

What became of Banksie?

2005-04-10T20:21:00.000+01:00

If you have read my earlier diaries will remember I rescued a newt called Banksie from Ken Livingstone's secret laboratories where he was being used in experiments to produce an Übernewt to take over the world. (I think I used to overdo the catnip in my youth.)

After I had saved London he moved in with me as a sort of gentleman's gentleman. Or gentleman's newt. Or gentlecat's newt.

He has his uses. I have just rung for a saucer of milk.