random acts of violets

Evidence of the increased cost of living

2008-07-13T17:00:00.000Z

Popped in to ASDA today for some quick provisions (going to ASDA isn't the evidence by the way) and it came to an incredible £10.89. Outrageous.

3 bottles of red wine on a special offer came to £10.
Perfectly reasonable, well-priced and so on.

But 89p for a piece of bloody broccoli!
Something must be done.

Bone daddy

2008-07-12T11:24:00.003Z

I'm working today (yes I know, on the weekend for heaven's sake) and to try and temper the embuggerance of having to do this, I've got some crap telly playing on the computer next to me.

First up is the frankly so-bad-it's-almost-bearable BoneKickers.

Whilst I'm sure there are some nice touches in there (from the archaeologists I know, a lot of importance is placed on biscuits) a lot of it so far is amazingly crap.

We've got the lead digger who swans around with a small trowel, tossing off bon-mots whilst staring in to middle distance; shouting grand statements whilst striding in to shot and speaking to the trench: "show me your secrets".

In addition to that, they do like to make sure the audience isn't lost at all.
The trenches have been dug in the shape of a cross, and we get lots of overhead shots to prove it.

They've just done a bit about some wood that was found in the trench. Following some searching in the World Wood Classification and Searching Database that Holds Details On All Known Woods (there's quite a large section on Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom) they've claimed that the wood in question is from the holy land 2000 years ago, and that someone had a nail driven through them and then bled into the wood.

Hmmnnn. What could it mean? What could the wood be, do we think?

Thankfully we don't have to consider it too long as 5 seconds after this proclamation, one of the characters pulls out a photo of the crucifixion. You know, that one with jesus. In the holy land. 2000 years ago.

That one.

Can't wait to see where this one goes, although I've got to pause for a moment as that scene literally made me choke on my coffee.

Mind you it does also have Paul Nicholls playing a mental with an impressive weapon.

Let's throw it on the doorstep and see who salutes

2008-07-10T09:23:00.000Z

Just had this from a networking thing taking place at a local pub

---
The event takes place on Thursday 31st July at the newly refurbished William IV in Truro, thanks to our friends at St Austell Brewery. The William IV reopens its doors to the public on July 23 following a £700k redesign and repositioning.
---

Do they mean it's moved?
Or are they just using marketing-w4nk-speak?

I think we know.

It's not what happened, it's how you feel about it that's important

2008-05-26T12:10:00.003Z

For a long time I've felt annoyed with TV news and how it's presented, with everyone increasingly desperate to make everything extremely dramatic and full of import, when generally it isn't. It's a bit dull.

There is also a lot of time examining how people feel about what happened, increasingly on the BBC how people who weren't there and have nothing to do with it, feel. "Send in your random, whittering views no matter how full of bile and bigotry." It's as if the BBC doesn't think any of these people have blogs!

I was particularly annoyed about this this week with the explosion in Exeter. I'd only heard bits about it and, with Exeter being where I went to uni, I wanted to know exactly what was going on. I tuned in to BBC Spotlight, who seemed to devote most of the evening to the events. At the end they handed over to their home affairs correspondent (who luckily wasn't doing his usual presenting from country fairs, or an under-5s basketball tournament) to give us the latest. Instead he wanted us to reflect on the impact and emotion of the last few days.

I'd really rather not. I'd just like to know exactly what happened please, without being told how I should be feeling about it with dramatic music, gurning faces or hyperbole.

It really would be quicker, I think, if they just introduced a system of on-screen emoticons next to each headline (happy, sad, bemused, nauseated) that tell us all exactly how we should respond to any given event.

Let the snarking recommence

2008-05-15T11:08:00.004Z

Well, back from travels now and ready to start highlighting amusing faux pas from other people and generally mocking them on the internet.

Got through a guideline document today on how to write good html emails for marketing, but I think they missed out an important one: write good english.

The joys of travel

2008-03-31T17:42:00.001Z

Am on a First Great Western train on the way to London, ready to start my "World Wide Trip (TM)" and the fun has started already.

Just back from the buffet car where they have a bizarre take on a menu.
Mot of the usual suspects (panini, sandwiches, baps and so forth) are all there, but they have also decided to offer some 'real food'. Worried that just naming the things they offer might not sell it in strongly enough to the trapped-masses, FGW have decided to create a named range of items. These include:

Look what we found! Chili con carne
Look what we found! Mushroom Stroganoff.

What ghastly meeting were those names cooked up in?

Where did you find it? Why did you decide to try and sell it to me as food?
Why does the fact that you found it, presumably whilst looking for something else, mark it out as being nicer and worth the money than if you had cooked it?
Very odd.

----------

One would think that the benefit of travelling in first class would be less irritation by one's fellow passengers (plus the ability to use the word one twice in one sentence - oh god, I can't stop!). Behind me are a couple with a child but amazingly, the child isn't the irritant. It's the bloody mother! One of those people who are very much set on Transmit, she is also, it would seem, set on infinite loop.

There was a problem with the hot water when I got on, which means that the buffet car couldn't give hot drinks. End. of. the. fucking. world. apparently.
"Oh David, I can't survive without my coffee". One can only hope.

Sadly service has now been restored and she has indeed had her coffee.
Score one for her, zero for the rest of the carriage.

---------

Great story in the Times today about Charlotte Green getting a fit of the giggles during the news yesterday morning on Radio 4. What tickled me most was the last time this happened to her: it was when having to read out the name of Papua New Guinea's Chief of Staff - Jack Tuat.

Tech lust

2008-03-20T11:50:00.002Z

In preparation for my trip away, I have just bought a stupidly expensive piece of tech-candy - the new ipod touch.

Sweet jiminiy-cricket.

Even the packaging is lovely. I've yet to get a protective case for it so I'm just using it as is - it is ridiculously thin and groovy.

Yummy.

Never forget the first rule of fixing technology

2008-03-20T10:06:00.002Z

I have a motorola razr phone. It's very pretty, but it does have a tendency to stop working periodically.
It completely died a few years ago, helpfully in the middle of the worst snow Cornwall had seen for a few years and this meant I was stuck in Truro with no way of calling anyone, so had to walk 3 miles to a friend's house on the off-chance that they were in.

It also sometimes won't turn on, or display anything on the screen.
It's been blank now for a day or so.
I tried all the usual things - make sure it's fully charged, take the battery out for a day and so on.
Finally I happened across the solution in a forum somewhere, so I record it here for anyone else having problems:

Put the phone on it's side and twat it one.

Bingo!

Movie Meme - answers

2008-03-18T16:04:00.001Z

1. "I've got a bastard behind the eyes."
>> Withnail and I

2. "Just what this country needs: a cock, in a frock, on a rock."
>> Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

3. "Are you, indeed, yes, heavens."
>> Gosford Park

4. "If I was going to kill you Ed, I'd use my hands."
>> Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe

5. "I'm not dead Cheryl."
>> Muriels' Wedding

6. "I've got my happy face on Les!"
>> Strictly Ballroom (spotting a movie theme so far?)

7. "Good lord honey, you didn't even achieve penetration with the elephant gun."
>> Tremors

8. "Can I get any of you cunts a drink?"
>> Shaun of the Dead

9. "You can't make an omellete without breaking eggs. Any cook will tell you that."
"Yes, but look what happened to the cook!"
>> Clue

10. "OK let's call things by their realy names: dentifrice, vagina and sour-fucking-grapes."
>> The Oppposite of Sex

Don't read this, Attention: don't read this!

2008-03-18T16:00:00.003Z

I've just been out for a nice long lunch with a friend.
She's hired a very swanky motor whilst her car is in for repair. A very swish, all bells and whistles Merc.

My favourite part is the console screen in the middle of the dashboard. It's usually covered by a "nothing here, nothing to see, don't break into the car" flap, but as we were driving along, I pressed the button that revealed the screen.

Ever safety conscious, the screen then starts flashing a brightly coloured message, along the lines of

"Don't be distracted by this screen whilst driving"

All it really needed to add was some kind of klaxon or flashing lights in the head-rests.

Who does she think she is, Oliver or Nancy?

2008-03-06T12:00:00.003Z

Either someone is having a big laugh at the BBC, or any day now a top executive will be sat in their office silently mouthing the words "Oliver... Nancy" when a burning light bulb of realisation will ping on and they'll feel all of the blood drain into their stomach.

In the meantime, double-entendre abounds.

From the latest programme info pack, summing up the series, there is this gorgeous quote:

"In time-honoured tradition, the Nancys will be vying to make their mark on Andrew and the panel and, from programme three, will also need to gain viewers' support to stay in with a chance of winning the coveted role of Nancy in the West End."

There's also the mention of attending Nancy school. Fried gold.

Water idiot

2008-03-06T11:31:00.001Z

An article in the telegraph today about an idiot back packer in Australia who was surprised to find that crocodiles aren't all cuddly and friendly after all.
read and see photos.

My favourite photo, I think, is the one at the end with the eejit and his mate at the end, looking a bit grave and serious.

Twats.

Bad weather

2008-03-03T23:36:00.003Z

I wonder what it is that makes bad weather so appealing?

There is absolutely nothing I love more than when it is absolutely whamming it down with rain, hail, sleet or snow. For preference I'll be inside with a cup of tea, or a glass of wine, and the option of reading a good book or watching a number of episodes of The West Wing. But I also really like to be out for a good walk in appalling weather as well.

Last weekend I made it out to Godrevy, along with my sister, to walk along the beach in an absolute hoolie. Coat on, hood up, gloves on. Rain coming in almost horizontally. Freezing cold. Bloody loved it.

Possibly only loved it because I knew a central-heated house, cup of tea, slice of toast and the Sunday papers were only a 10-minute drive away, but still.

It's always been like this. As children the only only time you could get either of us to leave the house was in the middle of a storm or a blizzard.

It's been hailing here most of the evening, on and off. Occasionally it's been so loud I can't here the telly, and I've gone and stood by the kitchen door, the top half of the stable door open. Grinning like a twat.

I'm now at my desk writing a proposal for a job I really want to get. I'd really rather be in bed about now, but the fact that I can hear the rain beating outside my window is making it (almost) seem OK.

Another gastronomic high point

2008-02-23T17:04:00.002Z

As if the news this week of some of the delights in Delia's new book weren't enough to have us celebrating, I've just seen this delightful product on offer in Tesco:

Of course they're battered. Why wouldn't they be. It's not as if deep-fried potato isn't greasy enough as it is. (Note: not the _actual_ product name)

Movie Meme

2008-02-18T15:43:00.002Z

I don't usually find these that tempting, but saw this on a friend's blog the other day and it inspired me to post (first time in 5 months too - christ!)

Quotes from favourite movies, guess the movie.

1. "I've got a bastard behind the eyes."

2. "Just what this country needs: a cock, in a frock, on a rock."

3. "Are you, indeed, yes, heavens."

4. "If I was going to kill you Ed, I'd use my hands."

5. "I'm not dead Cheryl."

6. "I've got my happy face on Les!"

7. "Good lord honey, you didn't even achieve penetration with the elephant gun."

8. "Can I get any of you cunts a drink?"

9. "You can't make an omellete without breaking eggs. Any cook will tell you that."
"Yes, but look what happened to the cook!"

10. "OK let's call things by their realy names: dentifrice, vagina and sour-fucking-grapes."

Reassuring or threatening

2007-10-11T17:47:00.000Z

All comes down to the tone I guess, but I'm not sure that I think the advert for Morrisons is all that successful when a guy behind the counter says to a customer "I know exactly what's in your sandwich".

But that might just be me.

We're all a little torn... discuss

2007-09-28T14:20:00.000Z

This is one of my most favourite things ever (well, that I'm prepared to put on a website that is read by people I know...).

Want.

2007-08-09T10:47:00.001Z

Bad news: it's all in how you spin it

2007-08-09T10:38:00.000Z

Just got this from a mate who is trying to get new broadband installed.

Begs the question: what actually constitutes bad news these days.

Post-modern ironic twist

2007-08-05T15:56:00.000Z

I've been celebrating the fact that finally, having tweaked my aerial, I can now see more than three channels on freeview by continually zooming through the channels to see if there is anything I _want_ to watch, now that I _can_.

I'm starting to feel a little dizzy by the fact that everytime I go on to ITV2 or ITV2+1 they seem to be showing groundhog day.

Which makes me wonder if they actually _are_ showing it, or if I am simply re-living the same movie.

This was confounded last night by an attack of the flies.
For some reason there seems to be a ton of house flies around at the moment.
I have developed a very effective technique of blatting them with my eco-friendly cleaning spray (water and vinegar) and then, whilst they are a bit dazed (and possibly looking for some chips to go with it) twat them with any handy implement. Usually the handy implement is the spray bottle itself, although it started to leak a little last night so I ended up delivering nature's final kiss courtesy of my 12 inch global cooks knife. Not dangerous at all.

I reckon yesterday and today I have dispatched around 20-30 of the blessed little things to the big strip of fly-paper in the sky.

However, last night it was all a bit odd as they only seemed to appear one at a time, making me begin to question whether I was actually killing loads, or just the same one, time after time.

If it wasn't for the tiny chalk outlines around each fly corpse, I'd never really know for sure!

What's in a name?

2007-06-18T12:13:00.000Z

An intriguing advert in the back of this Sunday's Independent.
The Growler Flask.
I can see the tv ad now: "Go on, show them your growler!".

Similarly badly named was a concept on the Mary Queen of Shops programme this week when they wanted to call a new shop Clout only to find that it was a local expression for lady-garden. 'Ecky thump: she's got some clout in this town...

Fish is good for you

2007-05-28T17:41:00.000Z

Follow up to Penryn

2007-05-26T10:16:00.000Z

Yonks ago I posted about the new Intel processor in development with the codename of Penryn.

Turns out a local IT company tried to jump on the panic bandwagon to try and drum up some business and issued some doomladen press releases that got snapped up by the papers everywhere.

I hate this method of trying to get business: scare the shit out of people and then happen to mention in the last paragraph that you can sort it out for them.

What I do love about this story though is the response that it received from those interviewed, generally along the lines of "ah well, yes but it won't _really_ make any difference will it. move along."

Someone else did this ages ago with the Firefox browser, using some distinctly shoddy statistics and a crude approximation of the effects that would be felt.

The screaming headline of "Over 50% of the world won't be able to see your website. you will be DEAD TO THEM!!!!!!!!" actually boiled down to "approximately 15% of the entire world are using this new browser, particularly in tecchie circles, and it's possible that your site won't look exactly like it does in IE when they look at it. Not too much to worry about, but it might be worth having a check sometime, just in case".

Not that I belittle the differences that browsers can have (sometimes quite significant) but as long as the site has been built vaguely properly in the first place, it should be OK.

Of course if you do happen to have a website built for IE that you want found by people using firefox and who just type the word "penryn" into google, I can fix it for about £30k!

Drop me a line...

Words that should be banned

2007-05-26T10:05:00.000Z

There was a programme on the other day about a school that tried to ban swearwords.
I do have rather a potty mouth, but then it's fucking funny when I swear (not so much the chavs on the street, but there we are).
I have my own set of words, though, that I find offensive and think should be banned. These include:

veggies
chocs
cheeky (as in "she can still have a cheeky chinese")

I'm sure there's more, so I will no doubt update this post as the gorge rises!

Actually, one other thing on words, not that should be banned, but just changes that always irritate me. I have no idea if my views on this are correct, or if the other uses are correct but:

roofs rather than rooves
lighted rather than lit

why is "he lighted the lamps" better than "he lit the lamps". surely both past tense, or is there more to it?
Despite being a fussy pedant (is there any other kind?) I don't really know my tenses by name (how unbearably tense) ((my what a lots of parentheticals)).

oh get on with your work!