CELEBRATiNG MEDiOCRiTY

Tread lightly...

2006-11-09T20:25:00.000-06:00

She chooses her word carefully when she speaks to her.
Afraid she may offend the new life she has created.
She is protective over her.

But more than the need to protect
Is the desire to be connected again…

Like they were once,
In innocence,
When the issues of their lives we solved
In feety pajamas over milkshakes,
Watching music videos on a beach towel.

He invites him for dinner.
He rejects the offer.
To busy to fight the traffic.
He pleads for a much needed visit.
(They never just talk anymore…)
They disagree on the best meal to eat
the day before a big game.
And say goodbye.

They each ignore their spouses that evening,
Wondering if there isn’t something more.
Are there things being left unsaid?
Or is it better that they no longer discuss it?

dreams of yesterday

2006-11-07T20:50:00.000-06:00

The above photo is a result of a early autumn walk I took, past my neighbors rod iron fence, down to the sliver of waterfront property my new property allows me. I sat on my dock surrounded by the historic lake homes and took in our dream realized. My husband and I have long desired to live near water and now we do.

Yet, today I drove by our old house. It look unkept, almost sad and I wondered if the new owner loved her like we did. She did not boast a lake view or a master suite. But she was my first home, and my heart aches as I pass her still. I wonder if it always will.

moving on

2006-11-06T20:07:00.000-06:00

This is not the best photo I have ever taken. But I like the way the horizontal lines in the golden oak floor move up the image. And in the distance, my seven year-old Chihuahua, Fred is trotting off... simply done ~ bored with the tattered kitten in the foreground.

This image reminds me of letting go.
And moving on.

melts my heart like butter

2006-11-05T21:23:00.000-06:00

this past saturday night
this lovely little kid
sat eagerly waiting for the movie
to begin,

then turned to me sincerely
and said, "this is so great, mom..."
just before he inhaled two small buttered popcorns.

we will be going to the movies often this winter.

oops!

2006-11-04T07:53:00.000-06:00

Well, I am already out of the running for NaBloPoMo as I forgot to post yesterday. Still, I am enjoying the challenge to write more and I will continue.

The other goal I set for myself in November is to adopt the old If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all rule. Now, I am not what one would consider an unkind person. But I find its too easy at times to vent about a quirky annoying habit of my in-laws. And admitting, at times I am quick to obsess about the way a girlfriend raises her children or a loved one spends their money.

I am not perfect. And I have never claimed to be. So for the month of November, I am challenging myself to remember that no one else is perfect either.

So what does this mean? It means, when the behavior I disagree with in others surfaces, I will not discuss it negatively. I will not call my sister to rant about so and so or pour over the torrid details of my annoyances with my husband. If you know me in real life, feel free to hold me to this. And if you call wanting to vent about your own in-laws or husbands or girlfriends don't be surprised when you receive the generic and at times un-colorful "I hear how you are feeling..."

Its been three days. There is a peace that has come over me. And I feel more in love, with my family, friends and myself.

Try it.

dear soul mate

2006-11-02T19:53:00.000-06:00

the sun sets on all souls day
and i pray
that your soul
will be well nutured in the days to come

and i even as i pray
i know i cannot cast out your demons

but i believe that you can

and i pray
dear soul mate
that the love i hold for you
will give you the power
you need.

scary tradition

2006-11-01T10:17:00.000-06:00

My very SCARY MONSTER

Halloween has long been a favorite holiday. And each year, a little more joy is expressed on this simple holiday. A holiday that does not require gifts or demand your presence at several different relatives homes at once. Just a simple evening spent walking at dusk through a frightfully friendly neighborhood. I just love it.

Also, in the month of November I will be attempting to Participate in NaBloPoMo. I like the idea of trying to write more… the reason I started this site.

thanks to SpongeBob...

2006-09-15T12:31:00.000-05:00

A recent adorable gesture from my two-year-old son is one in which he insists on bring me home bouquets of flowers whenever running errands with his father. I am certain I have countless repeat episodes of SpongeBob SquarePants to thank for demonstrating this kind act. Like the one when Mr. Crabs decides to date Mrs. Puff and generously brings her flowers. However Zack was influenced, I am not exactly sure. But it melts my heart each time...

Another interesting new millennium two-year-old behavior is one in which he directs me how to navigate online at Toys 'R' us, a place we frequent to view train pictures. This simple pleasure I'm afraid has already started to develop his online shopping skills. Marketers take heed... your audience will be savvier than you imagined.

someone on my mind

2006-09-14T14:44:00.000-05:00

"A responsible attitude toward money is one which we are open to whatever comes and trusting that it always will... What we give, we will receive and what we withhold, will be withheld from us."

~Marianne Williamson "A Return to Love."

It is my prayer that someday you understand, trust and practice the statement above and your anxiety will be lifted.

trying to keep a stiff upper lip

2006-09-13T18:13:00.000-05:00

...ever feel like this guy?

BFFs

2006-09-04T12:58:00.000-05:00

me and my sis on her wedding day, 09.02.06

"Tonight is a dream come true for me, as much as it is for Grettie. To see my sister walk down the aisle today is to watch her fulfill a dream. But to see her commit to sharing a life with a man like Jon is to watch her exceed all of her life’s expectations.

Jon completes Gretchen in everyway. May his strengthen and practicality shelter Gretchen from life’s thunderstorms. May his passion for life keep her forever young. I am so grateful to invite him into our family. As the kindred soul mate of my own husband Tadd, Jon sets the stage for a lifetime of memories that will leave me with abs tighter than Grettie’s when the sun sets and we are done laughing."

From "The Speech"... cried through the whole thing

Catching on...

2006-08-28T17:55:00.000-05:00

fabulous image by my dear cousin and photographer, david kelly

I have come to calling you Johnny Drama. It is a tern I use with both endearing expression and exhaustion. The past few days have allowed me slow down long enough to notice some of the wonder that surrounds you.

I can positively credit Sesame Street with teaching this working mother’s son the alphabet. And you must have learned your colors from your passion for M&Ms. Your imagination has taken off and you create scenes and scenarios for your toys trains and cars to encounter. You are frightfully funny, enormously passionate and intensely dramatic.

I wish my words were strong enough to explain the details of your brilliant personality. I will simply be quiet, hold on to the moments for a touch longer and cherish your hysterical being.

I am so grateful for the love.

Under the Weather

2006-08-24T22:42:00.000-05:00

This funny little man I met once by the side of a Mexican pool had a thick French accent and as I listened to him hit on my girlfriend I figured perhaps English was not his first language. Under the hot sun that day, bored with surrounding conversation, I overheard the little Frenchman profess to my slightly interested girlfriend that he "had a depression." I loved how he said it, like it was a passing common cold or something.

I have never forgotten the way he formed that sentence. And I try to remind myself of his simple honesty when I fall into a dark period. For right now, I Have A Depression. I am not depressed, because my depression does not define me. But I do currently suffer from a heaviness in my heart that feels like a misplaced stuffy nose.

Unfortunately, those that surround me do not understand how to care for a depression. It's not like they show up with a tupperware full of chicken soup or anything. And I guess the part the "people-in-my-real-life" fail to see is that when you have a depression, a home cooked meal would be wonderful. Practical problem-solving will not cure my affliction. Just listen when I have nothing to say.

As for the lovelies I have encountered in this space... thank you so for the continued helpings of chicken soup.

SOuL SiStERS

2006-08-20T19:24:00.000-05:00

She is a shadowy figure that lurks quietly for three or four days.
At first sighting she rises me to my toes as i consider the symptoms.
A tough week with work.
A tedious toddler stage.
A disconnect from my dear one.

I am able to shift the diagnosis to one or all of the above for a short time...

and then she pounces.

I am following the sunset on an otherwise delightful day,
and the evening is bright and the corn fields are glistening
and then she appears behind my eyes in the rear view mirror.
Almost suddenly I notice the sunlight intensifies.
She pushes down on my shoulders
and my eyelids get heavy as she settles in.

She nestles in the corner of my soul
and i am reminded of all the moments she has interrupted in the past.
I am reminded that she still holds a lease in these parts

I make several quick phone calls to family and friends.
I pretend like everything in normal and ok and great.
I speak in a breezy tone and I hope they don't hear her humming in the background.
They always hang up too quickly
or forget their lines in theatrical presentation of "What I would like them to say."
And when the line goes dead the emotional scab is ripped off a little more.
It bleeds and it burns and I begin to feel faint.

I am reminded that they will never have the right thing to say.
She tells me to never call back because they can always tell...
They can always hear it in my whiny cheerful tone.
and they grow tired of me so they want to hang up quickly.

Because they know,
because they know,
because they know,
that i am depressed.
And she is part of me,
and the tiny little pill will only keep her away as long as i take it,
but without it she will come back.

She nestles into the corner of my soul
and she is grateful she is home,
and i am terrified.

Size Double O Demons

2006-08-11T08:36:00.000-05:00

I am not the fattest person in the world. Yet, come Saturday night when I attend my sisters Bachlorette Party... I will feel like it. My dear bride-to-be sisiter is beautiful. She is in fantastic shape and she is tiny. She also has half a dozen girlfriends that match. I truly enjoy their company. They are each brilliant and funny. They are each kind and interesting. I just happen to feel like a beached whale in their compnay. And the thing is... I only care when I am standing next to a woman three dress sizes below me.

When I look at myself in the mirror I like my body. I can appreciate my big breasts that are in proportion with my hips, I like my small waist and slender ankles. When alone, I can fell confindent with the company of my reflection.

But, that same reflection haunts me while sitting slightly slumped over next to my size-double-zero sister and friends...

So I am trying to muster up the courage (without the help of alcohol) to feel fantastic in my own beautiful skin this weekend. I know I look "skinnier" when I have the confidence to sit up straight and truly move with my body instead of trying to fight it and convince it to be something else...

Prayers are welcome. I'll let you know how it goes.

spillage

2006-08-07T20:23:00.000-05:00

I am not one to blame my parents for my reoccurring moments of unhappiness.
For they have loved and supported me in every way they were capable.
I know this to be true and my heart aches at the thought of not only disappointing them, but also disapproving of them.

My happiness is my choice.
I will forever be turned off by the 30 year-old who hides in therapy discussing how her parents have ruined her life. My advice to the wounded sibling whom I have witnessed make such accusations has always been… “Grow up already.”

I love and respect my parents.
And now that I have outgrown my rebellious youth, I spend my quiet worried moments hoping they approve of everything I do and everything I am. Everything.

And yet, sometimes I am emotionally paralyzed as I recall the moments when they just didn’t show up for me. I am frightened when I realize I do not approve of or appreciate every choice they made. I am deeply saddened as I recall their times of parental desertion.

My son is two-years-old.
The sun has started to set on a stunning day. A day I feel I did not live up to.
I am tired and I do not want to discuss the wheels on his classic toy car. I would like to give up playing the train conductor. I would like a hot bath while listening to the ice clank against the cold drink that I usually reserve for weekends.

I am tired and I look into his eyes. I am reminded of the moments my parents abandoned me. I wince as I realize the wounds are still there. I squeeze out a smile as grab my plastic hotdog and ask him to pass the mustard.

My Boys

2006-08-04T09:45:00.000-05:00

Who steers the ship through the stormy sea
If hope is lost then so are we

While some eyes search for one to guide us
Some are staring at me

But I'm no hero
Though I wish I could be
For I am just a boy,
Too young to be sailing
I am just a boy,
And my future is unveiling
And I'm so frightened of failing

"Just A Boy" ~ Kiss

A Simple Moment

2006-08-01T18:46:00.000-05:00

Traveling from northern Illinois to central Wisconsin was like navigating a labyrinth of cornfields. In the steaming heat, the brilliant maize corncobs popped from the lush green stalks. I tried to catch one falling from its husky cradle but got dizzy, as the scenery remained stagnant. And then, like a burst of fresh air during on an otherwise stagnant day, a field of day lilies jumped out of the earth and exclaimed joy from each and every petal. It was an extraordinary site.

I have vowed to stop every year. A little longer next time.

Turning it Off...

2006-07-27T17:18:00.000-05:00

I am off to the north for a weekend spent with my two boys and no cells phones. Tadd and I have vowed to turn them off tonight at 5:00 p.m. We are pretending that we have the type of careers people had twenty years ago. Where you really took a vacation day and no one could reach you until you returned. My last item on my to-do list today was to post an entry on my little blog and thank each of the lovelies who have encouraged me to do so.

Thank you Jen, Stef and Michelle. See you when I return.

Patience

2006-07-25T21:42:00.000-05:00

My head is swimming lately and my words are starting to reveal themselves at the surface of my mind again. But for a site titled "Celebrating Mediocrity" I find myself frozen from publishing unless I have something uber profound to say. this is the same reason I have failed to write in my son's baby book for two years! This is the same reason I no longer buy blank greeting cards, but let Hallmark do the talking for me. As for my interest in photography, I can't decide if my camera really sucks or I am just losing my eyesight... Last night I looked at my husband worried the the growing up we have done lately has left us unenchanted. I know I will bring magic back to my life if I participate here. If only for my own creative outlet. I am trying... please encourage me where you can.

In the mean time, two of my favorites have said it all for me, couragously and perfectly. Thank you Jen and Carmen.

Celebrating Brilliance

2006-07-19T09:49:00.000-05:00

So, I've been hibernating and truly missed this outlet of writing and photography. Yet, I have struggled with my purpose of blogging and sharing my journal online.

Then, out of nowhere, a dear friend sent me this quote and put it all into perspective.

Our Deepest Fear

by Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Thank you, Daniel. Come visit again.

Hybernating

2006-02-01T11:13:00.000-06:00

It seems I have not fulfilled my commitment.
Each day and night my mind spins wonderful thoughts and observations that I long to share with each of you…

I want to remind you how fantastic it is to pile spoonfuls of Jif peanut butter on dark chocolate wafers with your back to your two-year-old so you don't have to share.

I want to soulfully reveal the heartache that has forever moved in and out of my life like a whispering wind. Suddenly a storm brews and I am paralyzed, unable to sleep, I find it difficult to breath or stand up straight… I want to relate to the struggles we each have,

And remind you that each storm passes and we continue on.

But my life has grown quite full, and the hands on my clock have not extended. I have the great fortune of an expanding graphic design business that continues to flourish. I have the blessed presence of my young son that I gently weave through my days as a working mother.

I have a passion to rediscover my inner artist and become inspired by crayola and textured papers and photography and collecting stick and stones… I wish to let go of my fears and someday call myself an artist and mean it.

So the small moments I have to write and share must currently be replaced with petting my neglected cat, coloring with my imaginative son and taking the time for face masks and manicures or cuddling with the person I have come to know as my best friend, my husband.

In the mean time, I will continue to visit your sites everyday and feed my soul with the strength and courage you each exhibit so beautifully. Please email me and stay in touch.

When I return I will rename my little cyber dwelling. Because my life is anything but mediocre.

spinning

2006-01-18T17:16:00.000-06:00

somedays it seems the world is passing by.
i want to curl up and stop.
just stop.

but the cars still motor about their routines.
the trains dump loads of commuters off at Starbucks,
my mailbox continues to fill with monthly monetary obligations,
and design deadlines spill into my inbox.
the air filter in my furnace needs replacing,
the skylights on my sun porch are leaking,
my son, my dogs, and my cat need breakfast, lunch and dinner,
and I wait anxiously for each of them to poop
before we continue on.

and I am tired.
and I want to be seventeen
and drive around in my car until dusk
watching the clouds melt the sun
and let someone else do the responsible things.

nothing stops...
it just keeps spinning,
even when your eyelids are so heavy your can barely focus
even when your shoulders won't release from your ears.
it just keeps spinning.

house guest

2006-01-16T09:22:00.000-06:00

this is yoshi.
he giggles and snorts.
he waddles and waggers.
he snores like a freight train,
performs awkward yoga to scratch he left ear.

he sneezes backwards and inside out.
this makes him sound like a midevil monster.
and we cower away as these strange noises
vibrating off of him.

but he is the sweetest house guest we have ever had.

month 23

2006-01-10T10:14:00.000-06:00

Just one month shy of your second birthday
and a certain mourning is taking place inside my heart.

Why has “two” become such a large number?

At your first birthday we rejoiced in simply surviving.
Now I feel as if turning two means turning you loose
Into your independent toddlerhood

Fearful of sounding like the mother trying to hold her child back,
I hesitate to discuss such feelings.

I am delighted about your bright growth and clever maturity,
I am thrilled about your mumbles translating into conversations,
your comical actions, your attention to details, your independent demands.

But lately I’ve been breaking the Supernanny’s rules
And letting you snuggle in my bed way past your bedtime
In an attempt to hold on to the little infant boy
Who could not lift his head without me,
Whose fingers wrapped securely around my shoulders
for most the day.

I am saying goodbye to a moment from yesterday
I have never been very good at this.