Within the Discord

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!

2009-10-13T10:33:00.010-05:00

I'm so incredibly happy, and so is Christopher.

We met on eHarmony in October of 2007, and started dating in May 2008. Sometime last year we were at a Walden Books browsing the children's book section - one of my favorite pastimes - and while looking at the Sandra Boynton books I found one called Your Personal Penguin. So you can get the idea of the book, here's a video of Davy Jones of The Monkeys putting the book to music.

After reading it, I said offhand that it would be a really cute way for someone to propose to someone, and then I eventually forgot about it. But Christopher didn't.

Christopher and I both love animals, and we like going to zoos, especially the Omaha Zoo. I didn't know why, but Christopher had been trying to get me to Omaha Zoo since September 12th. We had gone to a Cubs game on September 11th, so I was really tired and talked him into staying home the next day.....*head smack*

He finally got me there this past Saturday however, and after seeing the rainforest, the butterfly house, the cat house, the desert, the nocturnal exhibit, the bears and the aviary, we made our way over to the aquarium - our mutually favorite part - to see the penguins. My feet were hurting so I had already suggested that we sit for a while to watch the penguins, and of course Christopher agreed. We sat for a few minutes, during which time Christopher later told me he was waiting to see if the other people who were there were going to leave. (They didn't, but that's ok, I ended up being much too preoccupied to even realize other people were there.) Christopher couldn't wait anymore eventually though - I'd inadvertently already made him wait a month - and saying "by the way, hun" he got down on one knee in front of me and pulled out a little penguin book with the ring inside of it and asked me to be his "penguin pal." It took me about 30 seconds to process what was going on, as I had been expecting that he would be waiting until after Thanksgiving. Once I understood though, I started crying. And of course I said yes.

My ring is SO BEAUTIFUL. And it's the one I wanted too! Several months ago we had been talking about rings and he asked me what I wanted. It's really good we talked about it too, because I didn't want a diamond. I knew that if he were to get me a diamond, the only thing he would be able to afford would be a simple solitaire. And I REALLY don't like solitaire rings. I wanted an opal, surrounded by small diamonds. (What girl still doesn't want something sparkly?) So we started searching online, and I found one from a company called Flash Opal based out of Australia. It was almost 2 whole sizes smaller than my ring size though, and I thought it wouldn't be possible to resize it to my finger. I really like it though, so I showed it to Christopher and told him "something like this." Once he was ready to get the ring, he contacted the people at Flash Opal about a different similar ring, but there was an issue with it's quality or something, so they suggested another ring - the one I loved in the first place! They told him the gold was a really good quality and that they'd be able to resize it to my finger. So I got the one I wanted after all!! Below are some of the pictures of the ring from the website, but I have to tell you they DO NOT do the ring justice. Nothing can compare to seeing in person the way the opal changes color as I move it, and the way it reacts to different light and being wet and of course how it looks on my finger. :)

Christopher and I are planning on a early September wedding next year, so I'll keep people posted!!

According to the info we received from the people at Flash Opal, the weight of the opal is approximately 1.2ct, it's colors are electric lime green and blue, it's pattern is floral/roll, it's quality is flawless, and it's brightness - judged on a scale of 1-5 - is 5+++. It's such an amazing ring!!!! AND I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Choosing a Name

2009-06-18T19:28:00.003-05:00

I'm choosing a name for my main character in my new story right now, and at the moment I'm trying to decide between Marit, Liv and Karina. Marit means Pearl, Liv means My God is a vow, and Karina means Pure. They are all Scandinavian in origin, as my heroine is Scandinavian as well. Below I have the descriptions given by the Kabalarians website regarding the meanings of these three names. I know I can make my character whatever I want, but seeing descriptions like this is entertaining, and does help me make my decision.

Marit

* Your first name of Marit has given you a studious nature, and the ability to concentrate on whatever you are doing.

* You could excel in mathematics or in positions where persistence, independence, and individuality are required.

* In personal associations, a lack of finesse in verbal expression often creates misunderstandings with others, especially with those close to you, because you find it difficult and embarrassing to express depth of feeling when situations arise requiring diplomacy, understanding, and affection.

* Although the name Marit creates the urge to be original and self-reliant, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses heart, lungs, bronchial area, and tension or accidents to the head.

Liv

* Your name of Liv creates a very sensitive, inspirational, and idealistic nature.

* You have an appreciation for all the fine and beautiful things in life, and could excel in music, art, drama, or literary undertakings, where you could find an expression for your deeper feelings that you would not find otherwise.

* As a result of your love of the out-of-doors, you would experience the most peace and harmony out in the quiet of nature.

* Your sensitive nature causes you to lack self-confidence, and to withdraw from arguments or turmoil, as any discord reflects quickly through your nervous system.

* Although the name Liv creates idealism and the urge to help others, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the nervous system, heart, lungs and bronchial area.

Karina

* Your first name of Karina has given you a friendly, likeable nature, and you could excel in artistic, dramatic, and musical expression.

* With this name, you desire the finer things in life, but you do not always have the resolve and vitality to put forth the effort necessary to fulfil your desires.

* Your emotional feelings are easily affected and you will always be involved in other people's problems as a result of your overly sympathetic nature.

* Though the name Karina creates the urge to understand and help people, we draw to your attention that it causes an emotional intensity and sensitivity that is hard to control.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid and nervous system.

I have also already decided on the hero's name, who I have christened Richard. (I don't have any last names yet.) For fun, here's the Kabalarian report for the name Richard.

* The name of Richard gives you a very individual, reserved, serious nature.

* You prefer to be alone with your own thoughts, rather than in the company of others.

* This name restricts spontaneity in association and the fluency of your verbal expression.

* When you are required to express yourself in personal matters requiring finesse and diplomacy, you feel awkward and embarrassed.

* Although you realize perfectly well what is expected of you, you are unable to find the right words, and hence you end up saying something inappropriate in a candid way.

* You can express your deeper thoughts and feelings best through writing.

* While the name Richard creates the urge to be creative, independent and original, we point out that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a tendency to be moody.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses heart, lungs, bronchial area, and tension or accidents to the head.

First of all, I LOVE the description of Richard. That's pretty much exactly how I imagined him. (He's a man in his mid-thirties, and he's an English professor at small, private liberal arts school.)

As far as the heroine goes, I think I like the name Liv the best. I was originally going to go with Marit, but I think Liv probably fits the character better.

It might seem silly to work so hard on figuring out the name, but until now I'd been using the name "Jenny," simply because it was the first thing that popped into my head when I started writing. But I don't think that name fits the character at all, so when I write, that's all I can think about instead of developing the story. Now I'll be able to concentrate and write much better, having decided on a name that I'm very happy with.

Update:

Heroine: Liv Victorson
Hero: Richard Ahlberg

Word of the Day - Short Shrift

2009-06-18T18:19:00.002-05:00

Here's the Word of the Day. I'll be using the word in my fiction writing later today. I'm hoping to finish my first chapter in my first real attempt at Christian Romance. I'll post something commentative about something here later.

The Word of the Day for June 18, 2009 is:
short shrift • \SHORT-SHRIFT\ • noun

1 : barely adequate time for confession before execution

2 *a : little or no attention or consideration
b : quick work

Example Sentence:
Parents are complaining that, due to recent budget cuts, physical education and arts programs have been given short shrift in the local schools.

Did you know?
The word "shrift" is an archaic noun referring to the confession or absolution of sins. These days, "shrift" is rarely encountered on its own, but it does keep frequent company with "short" in the phrase "short shrift." The earliest known use of the phrase comes from William Shakespeare's play Richard III, in which Lord Hastings, who has been condemned by King Richard to be beheaded, is told by Sir Richard Ratcliffe to "Make a short shrift" as the king "longs to see your head." Shakespeare uses this phrase quite literally ("keep your confession short"), but since at least the 19th century the phrase has been used figuratively to refer to a small or inadequate amount of time or attention given to something.

Word of the Day - Preeminent

2009-06-17T05:34:00.003-05:00

Courtesy of Merriam Webster Online.

The Word of the Day for June 17, 2009 is:
preeminent • \pre-EM-uh-nunt\ • adjective

: having paramount rank, dignity, or importance : outstanding, supreme

Example Sentence:
Carrie considered herself lucky to have one of the country’s preeminent novelists as her writing professor.

Did you know?
What is noteworthy about the following sentence? "Mount McKinley is a prominent eminence in the Alaskan landscape." You very likely recognized two words that are closely related to "preeminent" -- "prominent" and "eminence." All three words are rooted in the Latin verb stem "-minēre," meaning "to stand out." But did you note as well the related word "mount"? Not too surprisingly, "-minēre" is related to "mons," the Latin word for "mountain." That relationship leads us in turn to "paramount," a word closely related in meaning to "preeminent."

I haven't the time or the energy at the moment to try to delve into something new, so I'm just going to go ahead and bring back an old topic; I'll be approaching it a different way, but I think it's about time I resolve this for myself.

Several months ago, I wrote this post in response to an unrest I was feeling, an obligation to stay informed of what I had attempted to involve myself in, and then a subsequent confusion based on what I had read.

The first section of quotations, starting with Tozer and ending with Jeremy Meyers, are all related. Going back and re-reading that post has changed my perception a bit. I still agree with who I agreed with before, but I find the section by Jim Henderson rather condescending to Brian, who I believe shared the thought by Tozer. Jeremy's response in my opinion was very gracious. Agreeing with Jim, thanking him for the insights, but not attacking Brian in the process. Again, I agree with Jim, it's just seems to me that he may have written that a little too hastily and too emotionally. I don't know how God used what he said, I obviously wasn't bothered by his tone the first time I read it so maybe Brian wasn't offended either. (Though the reason I wasn't bothered probably has something to do with the fact that I was also upset with Brian for whatever it was he wrote to Jeremy that also got Jim upset.)

Strangely enough, the next quotation, by Tim Nichols ties in rather nicely with this. It's a different subject matter being addressed, but perhaps Tim's insights could lead us to understanding of the previous issue. Tim's exact quotation states "Because if we want to avoid similar decades-long battles in other areas — like, say, over the exact content that one must believe to be saved — then it is helpful to see what our brothers have done wrong (and what they have done right) in past conflicts." I was thinking about the conundrum of passing blame. What about when other people pass blame? Do we then get all puffed up and blame them for being blamers? At the same time, it is important to distinguish between truth and falsity; that's one thing I know the Word makes very clear. What Tim said I believe gives another possibility. Don't beat yourself up for being emotionally affected by a differing opinion from another person, but still change the way you respond to it. Don't treat them in kind, if their actions are what bother you, acknowledge to yourself what you think, what you see, and approach it as a learning situation. Then it becomes less personal, and you tempt yourself less to treating the brother or sister with anything less than love.

As for the other two quotations I copied, I honestly don't remember what I thought about them before. I know why I included them, they made me think - and they still do - but I don't remember what it was I was wanting to say about them so I'm not going to bother with it now.

Looking back at this post is something I feel I can really learn from. I mentioned that the post was a result of my attempting to stay involved with something I felt obligated to participate in. I do remember very clearly though that this attempt brought me only confusion and unrest, not joy or growth. At the beginning of my blog journey, I needed to get involved in some of the more difficult discussions going on between individuals in my former spiritual environment and those they disagreed with. It was still something that greatly affected my thoughts and my day to day life, so I didn't feel at peace not getting involved, or at least being informed. I don't regret that. What I do regret is then not being able to move on when I needed to. These issues between these parties have caused much discord among the brethren and are to be taken seriously, I'm not going to avoid or ignore them now; but I'm no longer going to let them take the preeminent role in my spiritual thoughts and conversations with others. There are other things God has called me for, other things He wants me to concentrate on. I left the church I grew up in because I could no longer attend there and continue to grow; I was being spiritually stilted and it was hurting an otherwise growing relationship with my Heavenly Father. I need to remember that, and apply that truth with everything in my life once and if it starts negatively affecting my relationship with Him.

New Blog- Eruanna Melda's Romance

2009-06-17T05:22:00.003-05:00

First off, (and this is directed at you Christopher,) don't laugh at the name. Go to the blog, read the introduction pages and then you can laugh at me.

I haven't written anything yet, story wise, but I'm going to. I think it's high time I finally started utilizing Write or Die.

I've also been highly challenged by a newcomer to my blog, for which I am very grateful. Constructive criticism from fellow writers is just not emphasized as important enough anymore. Or maybe people just aren't willing to be honest with people regarding what they think. (Or they're too honest, and attack those they disagree with rather than being constructive.)

So, as my first step of showing my gratitude for the welcomed critique, I will be posting a "Word of the Day" every day possible, and using it in a post someway that relates to the title of this blog. I think it's about time I paid attention to that again.

If anyone else has anything to say, either here or any of my fiction blogs, (because there are more to come,) please, don't hesitate, I welcome it.

Update: I used Write or Die this morning for 10 minutes, and I got over 500 words written. Amazing how quickly the words of a story will come to you when you're forced to just write. I'm going to be using it again tonight, hopefully for an hour or two total, and the goal is to get a chapter published on the new blog before I go to bed.

Writing Christian Romance: I really want to. But can I?

2009-06-16T03:46:00.003-05:00

I've been feeling very conflicted lately. And I know that right now I can't sleep. Way too much on my mind. I feel guilty...but at the same time, if I went to bed I would just toss and turn. I might as well try to get something productive done. Some people might not think writing on a blog as something that is productive, but for me it is. I function so much better mentally when I'm exercising my brain through writing. It helps me get so much off my mind, and often helps me find peace with the things I struggle with. Often when I write it's kinda like a prayer, because a lot of the time I'm directing what I'm writing to God.

One reason I've found the thought of writing stories so overwhelming lately is because I've approached it as if in order to write a story or a book or a novel that encourages and speaks to people, I need to understand completely whatever it is I want to write about. I feel like I need to "have all the answers" for whatever the subject is. There aren't many things right now that I can say that I understand, or that I can explain to other people. But I still have that DESIRE to help others who struggle with things that I struggle with. I don't have the courage as of yet to share ALL my struggles, hopefully that will change someday, but I have to start somewhere.

I read something though on Francine Rivers' website a month or so ago that changed that perspective for me. She said that every book she writes begins as a QUESTION she is asking God. I've been thinking a lot about that. It suddenly seems strange to me that I wanted to write stories for reasons that would never occur to me to be acceptable reasons to talk to people. Do I want to help other people, if God leads me to someone that He has equipped me to help? Of course. But I don't view other Christians solely as people that I need to help. That would be very condescending of me. I view other Christians as people that I want to fellowship with, people that I want to grow closer to God with. If through that I end up helping someone who is struggling, wonderful. But the fellowship, the sharing of a common love, a common purpose, is the goal. The focus is the living and the acting out in truth the Life of the Body that God has called us to, that He has made us for.

Obviously, writing won't be exactly the same as fellowship, as it is usually a solitary exercise, versus a corporate one. But why was my purpose focused on what I could do for others? If that's my focus, I'm going to do more harm than good when I try. If I want to be an encouraging member of God's Body through my writing, He needs to be my focus. I want my writing to be another exercise, another way of my getting to know Him better. Yes, my blog writing is already something that I view that way, but why not my stories? I don't need to have any answers, I don't need to be an expert on a spiritual issue in order to write about it. I just need to begin with a question, a desire to understand something that I don't understand, a yearning to be lead by God to His truth. If that is what drives my writing, and not me trying to have all the answers - which is ultimately just a symptom of me trying to please others - then I will take so much unneeded and harmful pressure off my shoulders, grow closer to God, and maybe even encourage others in the process.

So, Christian Romance. It's on my heart, on my conscience. I believe I can do it. I believe at the very least I can write stuff better than most of what I've seen out there lately. (Of course with the exception of Francine Rivers. If I could ever develop my writing enough to come even close to her talent, that would more than I would ever ask for.) And this isn't a vanity on my part, honestly. I just can't believe some of the stuff that gets published. It doesn't matter how good your story is if you don't develop your characters. If your characters aren't developed, if what they do doesn't seem realistic, then you dehumanize them and they become impossible to relate to. The greatest story in the world, the most elegent prose, is ruined if the characters don't make sense.

Honestly, I kinda want to write those online "webisodes" that I update one to a couple times a week, where people can comment, tell me what they think, and it would be a good developmental exercise for me I think. I don't want to stay with that, I would love to be published someday and have real books with paper and ink sitting on bookstore shelves, but the internet is a very valuable tool that I can use to my advantage - kind of a impromtu education - learning what works and what doesn't, what I need to work on, how I can improve, and what it is I'm capable of. I've tried those writing communities in the past, and they're fun for a while, but that's kind of overwhelming too. It's way too easy to get distracted by what others have written, or to get discouraged because no one comments on what you have written. Of course, I don't know if people will comment on what I'll write this way either, but I think I have a better chance at receiving constructive critism.

So...now I just need to figure out how to build a website where I can do that. I'm not going to invest money yet, so I need one of those free sites. I really love Blogger for blogging, but I think I'm going to try Wordpress. I tried it before for The Chronicles of Jane that quickly died out, but I think that was because I focused too much on the formating rather than the writing. Who cares how pretty my site is if I only write two chapters?

Oh, one more thing. Even though writing is usually a solitary exercise, and I'm not going to try those writing communities anymore, that doesn't mean that a community of other writers isn't important. I don't want to throw myself into building that community any more than I want to completely distract myself by the logistics of writing, but the rest of tonight before I go to bed I'm going to dedicate to finding other people like me: Christian Romance authors who at least talk about their writing, if not share it, online. I don't know if I'll find anything, but I'm going to try.

UPDATE: I've found some good stuff. By far the most encouraging site I've found as far as giving me other options goes is New Christian Voices.

One thing I just found made my jaw hit the floor...wasn't exactly what I was thinking I was going to find. It's an online resource index called Biblical Counsel: Resources for Renewal. The reason I stumbled upon it was because of this page on Christian Fiction. This statement - or disclaimer - is at the top of the page:

"We see no precedent in Scripture for fiction, either Christian fiction or secular novels. Time spent reading fiction is time lost from learning more scriptural truth with the finite amount of time we are given. However, if the mind is fatigued and needs rest and recreation, then do choose Christian biography or Christian fiction over the novel, over the theater, and over the media. Remember the Jesuits have always used the theater, and now Hollywood, to influence the masses with their heretical message."

I'm not sure who the people are that have published this resource guide, and frankly I don't think I'll be visiting this site anytime soon, but they do have a link to some George MacDonald fiction on the page to their credit.

Funny Owl

2009-05-30T02:07:00.004-05:00

Maybe it's because I'm REALLY REALLY tired, but I think this picture is hilarious.

Thanks for putting up with my silliness. Better update tomorrow if I get to the computer before 1am....

My Future and Past

2009-05-23T21:46:00.003-05:00

Looking at the picture I didn't realize until now was still the header to my blog, it is very tempting to go straight away to Photobucket to make a new one. But then I wouldn't follow through on my decision to write today. (I'm a professional procrastinator. But wait...you probably already know that.)

I've been rather restless lately. Everytime I feel the itch to write, I find I have no idea what to say, which is dissatisifying enough as to prevent me from actually writing. I miss school. I miss longing for time to write whatever I want instead of what's required of me on a class syllabus. But, it's going to be a while until I have the chance or financial opportunity to go back to school. Unless I start taking online courses from a community college. Just to get some Gen. Eds. done. If I do that, I'm going to avoid taking any English classes. English is my chosen major, and if I can get as many Gen. Eds. done as possible before I enroll fulltime in school again, that means I'll have that much more time and opportunity for English classes than I would otherwise. That way I also can take advantage of everything the English department at the school I end up going to has to offer. (I didn't take any English classes when I went to Grinnell either. It took me until AFTER I'd left to realize that English was the perfect major for someone like me who loves reading and writing......)

As of right now, I'm looking at both The University of MN - Main U, and The University of Iowa in Iowa City. They are both very good schools, but I'm hoping to go to The University of Iowa because they have one of the best if not THE best English Departments in the nation. A lot depends on the fact that I'm in a serious relationship though. And right now my priority is not school, but moving to Des Moines so that Christopher and I can FINALLY NOT be a long-distance relationship couple.

I went to the Grinnell graduation this last Monday. It was the Class of 2009, the class I was supposed to be apart of. It was hard for me, even though I was so happy to see all my friends there graduate. About half-way through the day the sadness hit me, about how what was supposed to be MY day, the day I had been looking forward to since before I even graduated from high school, I was in the position of bystander. Don't get me wrong, I know that my choosing to leave Grinnell because of how crazy my life had become, (as well as the fact that I think I would have gone crazy under stress if I hadn't left,) I still wish leaving hadn't been necessary. Except for my salvation and Christopher, Grinnell was the best thing that ever happened to me. It's an experience I will always cherish, and something I never want to lose hold of.

Encouraging Notes From a Relative

2009-04-10T13:11:00.002-05:00

I know an update is due, especially since my life has been able to slow down quite a bit in the last few weeks, but first I want to share something that I read on my cousin Dave's blog today. He and his twin brother, Karl, own a photography studio, and Dave's blog is really fun to look at because of all the photos he posts on it. (Karl also has a great website with photos. My absolute favorites are definitely from when David and his wife Rachel spent several months doing mission work in China, and Karl went to visit them at one point. The China pictures are BEAUTIFUL.)

But anyway, this post that Dave wrote really encouraged me. Here's a quotation:

Something I’ve been experiencing lately is a change in my relationship with God. I’ve realized that I’ve always had this legalistic, contractual view of my relationship with Him. If I do this or that He will give me eternal salvation…right? How pointless is that? And yet a lot of the Christian community is trapped into this type of relationship without even knowing it.

We were not created to live a contractual relationship with God. We were created to experience a relationship with him. God is not confined inside the Church walls or the Bible, he is everywhere, in all good things and I want to experience Him as such.

Check out the rest of the post here, and check out the photography too if you want.

Morning Update

2009-03-18T08:22:00.003-05:00

Once again, it has been a VERY long time since I updated my blog, but I'm not going to apologize this time. I wish I could, I wish I had an invalid excuse, because then that would probably mean I would have written here much sooner. The fact is I have just been too incredibly busy.

Basically my life has been filled by work and by caring for my siblings, along with the occasional much needed foray and mini-vacation to Iowa to visit my boyfriend, Christopher. My mother is attending the MN State Trooper Training Academy at the moment, though she only has 2 1/2 weeks left, and I have been helping her by living and caring for my siblings while she's away during the week. (I've had a lot of help though.) My job has kept me even busier, which is unfortunately something that has led me to some bitterness, but I'm hoping that situation will resolve itself soon. I accepted the position of babysitter/nanny for a 9-month-old baby boy a few months ago, and I really enjoy the job, but I've been - in my opinion - overworked. I informed the woman who hired me - who is a single mother - that my siblings were my first priority, and if she hired me, it would need to stay that way. She said she understood, and I believe she did, and I believe she had good intentions, but her job is such that keeps her at work for many hours a day, so I was working on average 60 hours a week. I tried several times to work things out where Joey, (the baby,) would come with me to my house in the evening so I could be there with my siblings as well, but even that wasn't working. I finally got up the courage to approach my employer with the problems I've been having and explained to her that because of what she has asked of me I have had no time to address hardly anything else in my life. Yes, I greatly enjoy taking care of her son, but I can't do it well if I'm exhausted all the time and completely stressed about everything else in my life.

She understood, and is right now looking for another person to split the 60+ hours a week with me that she needs covered. I just think she didn't realize, didn't even think about the fact that so many hours a week isn't acceptable for someone who has so many other responsibilities. She said that her career has always kept her working that much a week her whole life, so I think she just didn't realize it. I'm still a little bit frustrated that I was the one that needed to explain that to her, but she set to work right away looking for another babysitter to hire so I'm feeling at peace about the situation right now. Even if it doesn't work out, because she might just find someone who's willing to take all the hours and then I might be out of a job, I'll be ok. I'm confident in my decision and in my efforts to make this job work, so it won't feel like failing if it doesn't.

God has been doing some wonderful things in my life regardless, and hopefully soon I'll be able to start writing about them. I have learned SO MUCH about myself and what my weaknesses are and what kind of mother I want to be through this experience; and I'll always be happy that I took this job because of it, even though it's been stressful. I can honestly say that no other job has ever taught me so much. I stated on my childcare resume that I believe taking care of children to be "the most rewarding thing anyone can do." It's so true, and I've realized it to be true in more than one way.

Well, I'm still working the original hours for this week, so I need to go call a cab to pick me up. I usually take the bus, but too many accidents this morning in the house kept me from getting out the door in time.

More updates coming soon. May my Father give me strength and patience today.

"Cooperative Altruism"

2009-01-14T08:52:00.002-06:00

I will be getting to commenting on my previous post, but first, I would like to share something that I DO know exactly what I think about it, and I think it is incredibly cool. (And not just because my boyfriend wrote it.)

Christopher wrote a post yesterday about "Cooperative Altruism." It really encouraged me, and I like the way this idea is going. Here's a snippet of what he said that especially spoke to my heart and what I believe to be true about God and his love.

I believe that God did give us the ability to feel some high feeling from doing a marvelous act for someone else. If we do it just to get that feeling, we are in the wrong. But, to have that feeling is not wrong. We should doing good things to the point that we don't even notice that feeling because our minds will have been so set on the giving nature of God's love above, that we won't notice the change in our thinking--it will be already heavenly. God does good things for us without requiring us to return the favor. He helps us to do so in some ways (by loving, serving, following Him), but He loves us knowing we can't possibly do so. That is the true nature of altruism.

Read the rest of it; what do you think?

Quotations and Thoughts

2009-01-12T21:00:00.003-06:00

The following are quotations that have made me think, taken from blog posts I have read over the past few days. Some of them I agree with, some of them I disagree with, some I don't know what to think yet. I don't have the energy at the moment to elaborate on why they made me think, nor to take time to set out in writing my own opinions on the subjects. I will do so soon, hopefully tomorrow, but since I now have these thought-provokers in one place - meaning I won't forget them now - I think it would be good for me to sleep on my thoughts and pray about them before I start writing. I have a lot to say, and I have a lot of thoughts that will require me to write without the care of whether everyone who reads it will agree or not. Of course, my fervent desire is to write with humility and grace to all, I pray my Father censures my words where they will only offend and not edify, but I'm learning a lot about the need to be TRANSPARENT and HONEST.... another issue I need to write about.

Anyway, if you read this and have thoughts of your own, please share.

In order for God to use a man greatly He has got to hurt Him deeply

~ A.W. Tozer

If anything is heretical, it is Tozer’s quote - the only person God ever hurt deeply was himself on our behalf.

~ Jon Lee

“A post like this does grieve me…I did try to encourage you in the other thread over this crisis you are in or whatever you are going through, but please don’t blame the Lord”

Don’t blame the Lord because his feelings might be hurt?

Don’t blame the Lord because unlike us mere humans he is so touchy he won’t be able to understand your humanity?

Don’t blame the Lord because the religion known as Christianity has taught us that the most important thing is getting to heaven (and more importantly exacping Hell) Rather than following Jesus?

Jeremy is Brian sugegsting that you to try not to follow in the footsetps of our Lord and Master , The Living Word of God who in the Garden of Gethsemane modeled broken humanity and humility when he made himself so vulnearble he asked three mere humans to pray for him ( the same three who were about to deny him)

Also try to ignore most of the Psalms where David ( the adulterer, murderer AND man after Gods own heart (go figure) often told God how he doubted and wondered where he had gone.

This foolishness is where religion has gotten us - Free Jesus!!

~ Jim Henderson

Jim,

Wow. You may have just put into words what I’ve been thinking, but was unsure if it was safe to think.

I don’t “blame the Lord” but I do believe he could take it if I did. When we Christians are confronted by pain, fear, and doubt in our own lives, we feel like we have to bottle it all in and keep it hidden. When we run into similar pain in the lives of others, we feel like we have to remind them of spiritual platitudes and Bible verses rather than just let them express their pain and be there with them without judgment when they do.

Thanks for the comment.

~ Jeremy Myers

Because if we want to avoid similar decades-long battles in other areas — like, say, over the exact content that one must believe to be saved — then it is helpful to see what our brothers have done wrong (and what they have done right) in past conflicts.

~ Tim Nichols

People who have set healthy boundaries, who know what healthy boundaries look like and know how to maintain them, generally do not get used (by men, but they are indeed used by God). Claiming otherwise gives the false perception that the Word has no power to redeem from corruption those whom you are ministering to, who disagree with you. Claiming otherwise also gives the false perception that when a threat comes to you in the guise of goodness, you are not safe even with your knowledge of scripture, your resources of prayer and the faith you have in the promises of God for your protection.

It also sets up false-unity in the body of Christ because while the reality is that everyone disagrees with anyone else on some thing or another, no one is publicly known and accepted as such. The church is not safe for learning, for disagreeing, for testing, doctrine.

~ Michelle Painter

If an Egyptian who never heard of Christianity in his life were to read a scrap of paper containing John 6:47, the Egyptian would no doubt equate the guarantor of eternal life with Heqet, the frog goddess of life and fertility. Wikipedia affirms:

“When the Legend of Osiris and Isis developed, it was said that it was Heqet who breathed life into the new body of Horus at birth, as she was the goddess of the last moments of birth. As the birth of Horus became more intimately associated with the resurrection of Osiris, so Heqet's role became one more closely associated with resurrection. Eventually, this association lead to her amulets gaining the phrase I am the resurrection, and consequently the amulets were used by early Christians. Finally, as the legend of Osiris' resurrection grew increasingly stronger, she became ever more aligned with Isis, and eventually becoming an aspect of her.”

Nothing in John 6:47 would make a pagan reader think of the Biblical Jesus. The guarantor of eternal life would simply be understood as referring to whatever polytheistic god fit that description. In the case of the pagan Egyptian, the guarantor of eternal life would most closely align with Heqet, the frog goddess of life and fertility.

Wilkin's marooned man scenario and corresponding promise-only gospel simply illustrate that “A text without a context is a pretext.”

~Jonathan Perrault

Devozine Article Rough Draft ~ Grief

2008-11-24T16:59:00.002-06:00

First, to give an idea of what it is that I need to write, here are the guidelines put forward by Devozine.

WHAT IS THE PURPOSE?

Our purpose is to help youth develop a lifelong practice of prayer and spiritual reflection. devozine is designed to help readers grow in their faith and explore the relevancy of the Christian faith for the issues they face. Undergirded by scripture, devozine will aid youth in their prayer life, introduce them to spiritual disciplines, help them shape their concept of God, and encourage them in the life of discipleship.

WHAT IS devozine?
- A bimonthly, 80-page magazine for youth
- Written by youth and by adults who care about them
- Each issue focuses on eight or nine themes.
- Each theme includes weekday readings and weekend features, enough for two months.
- Meditations may be read in chronological or random order.
- Meditations may be expressed through scripture, prose, poetry, prayers, stories, songs, art, or photographs.
- Readers and writers include persons of many different denominations and cultures.

WHO WILL ENJOY IT?
- Youth ages 12-18 who seek personal devotional readings
- Youth groups who seek devotional reflections
- Adults who seek to understand youth spirituality

HOW DO I WRITE FOR THE PUBLICATION?
- Daily meditations should be 150-250 words long.
- Poetry and prayers should be short to moderate in length -- 10 to 20 lines.
- Think about the purpose of the meditation -- what do you want it to evoke in the reader?
- Style notes: Simply written (preferably in youth language), realistic and relevant to life experiences of youth, does not need to be overtly religious but should help to open youth to the life of faith that we all seek, inclusive of multicultural experiences
- Language guidelines: Try to use language that is non-sexist and inclusive of everyone (examples are words such as humankind, persons, or everyone instead of mankind or men in the familiar generic sense). We encourage the use of a wide range of biblical images for God.
- May include scripture verse or suggested text (state version of Bible used)
- May include a reflective element: brief prayers, quotes, reflection or journaling questions, action ideas, or other items. Prayers should use honest, straightforward, conversational language.

WHAT ARE SOME TIPS FOR DEVOTIONAL WRITING?
- Devotional writing should invite people to come closer to God.
- Devotional writing should tell about real experiences of real people who are struggling to apply their faith to daily life.
- Devotional writing should express only one main idea. It should leave one memorable image with the reader.
- Devotional writing should lead persons into further conversation with God after they finish reading the meditation.
- Your journal can be a great source of devotional writing because your journal records your real thoughts about your experiences.

See that last tip, that I underlined? Well, Lord knows I've written about grief enough here, let's see what I can find as inspiration from some of my past blog posts. (Obviously, I'll need to cut them down quite a lot of I use them. They're all quite a bit longer than 250 words.)

Also, here are the tips specific to writing about the "Good Grief" theme.

good grief

- When in my life have I experienced grief or loss? What feelings or stages did I go through? Did any of these feel good? How has time eased my pain?
- When have I been grateful for the ability to cry? When have tears been a blessing? a release?
- When have I been tempted to ignore my grief or to pretend I was not grieving? What happens when I bury these feelings or refuse to deal with them? Who or what helped me to realize that it’s OK to grieve?
- When has a painful time of letting go or of leaving something behind led to a new opportunity, such as moving from the house in which I grew up or going off to college?
- When through the death of someone close to me have I begun to understand the natural cycle of life, as when leaves die in autumn and fall from the trees, but after a long winter, new buds sprout to re-create beautiful foliage?
- When have I found a blessing in the experience of loss? How have I sensed God’s presence with me through the pain and the tears?

From Suffering And Thanksgiving, November 22, 2007:

"No, suffering isn't enjoyable, but my spiritual joy can still remain constant, because if I respond to my Heavenly Father's love while in my suffering, He will then draw me closer, revealing to me more about Himself and what He did for me. Once I completely trust Him and place my suffering in His hands, I will then be able to accept the gift of peace He has waiting for me, because He is then my focus, and not the pain in my heart."

"I have so much to be thankful for. Not because my life is perfect, but because my Father is faithful. My Abba will never leave me or forsake me. He desires me to rest in the fullness of His embrace, and find peace and supernatural joy in my suffering, as I begin to understand His Son in His suffering as we stand face to face."

From Grief: A Study ~ Part 1, December 10, 2007:

"Grief. What has it meant to me in my life? Is the issue that it caused me pain? No, that is not the issue. Nor are the specifics that caused my pain the issue. The issue is how it changed me.

I need to show how it changed me for the worst in the beginning, and that change kept me captive in a pit. It turned me....not against, but away from my Heavenly Father. I lost my trust in Him. Not my trust in His Son for eternal life, but my trust that He is able to do "exceedingly abundantly" above anything I would ever dream to be possible. I also didn't understand that this ability of His, this power, has more to do with inner transformation on my part than a changing of outward circumstances."

"No matter where you are in life, no matter what you're going through, no matter what decisions you have made or what things you have done, you are LOVED. By a powerful, but gentle, Father, who desires NOTHING more than drawing you closer to Him.

This is my comfort, and the reason I can thank God for everything that happened to me, because I know now that it happened for a reason. It was all a part of God's wonderful plan to bring me to Himself. He didn't orchestrate the pain, much of it was my Enemy doing His best to keep me from seeing my Father's face, to keep me from reading the love He has for me in His eyes, from His Word. But though it was meant for evil, God turned it to good, and I am His vessel, willing to be used in whatever way He sees fit, to His glory, to proclaim His love, to show His majesty in the miracles He worked in me."

From Grief: A Study ~ Part 2, December 18, 2007:

"If anyone knew about grief, it was King David, and he experienced it throughout his life in almost every way imaginable. Pay attention to the way he describes the state of his soul, of his spirit in these verses. "My soul cleaves to the dust.....My soul weeps because of grief."

Have you ever gone through something in your life where you felt like you couldn't get back up? Like you'd been pushed down too many times? Was there ever a pain so strong you could hardly bear it? That is the picture David is painting here; he knew what it was like to have that kind of pain.

Like David, every single person on the planet goes through grief and hard times. Some experience it more than others it's true, but I have learned that there is more than one way that grief can appear in a persons life. A lot of the time, it happens through situations we can't control, like the loss of someone we care about, or through the workings of our Enemy as he tries to get our eyes of our Father. Just think about Job. He was a Godly man, and loved the LORD, but God still permitted a lot of horrible things to happen to Him. Did this mean that God did not love Job? Of course not. I think He loved Job enough to let them happen, because they ultimately brought Job even closer to his Father, and brought him more understanding. Look to Psalm 119 again; what does David say, right after expressing the pain in his soul? "My soul cleaves to the dust; Revive me according to Your Word....My soul weeps because of grief; Strengthen me according to Your word." David knew that what he needed was not for the pain to go away, but for God's will to be done, which always, no matter the circumstance, is that we draw closer to the Father, that we trust His commandments, trust His Word, and only look to Him and His truth for sustinance."

"Simply put, when we choose our own way over God's way, no matter how much pleasure it might bring us at first, it will always end in grief. God can allow us to run the way of emotional destruction, and we hit obstacles and trials as consequences of our sin. For me, God knew that I needed to hit rock bottom, and then continue to dig my pit deeper, before I would realize what I needed in Him. A lot of the grief I experienced in my life was simply me reaping the fruit of the seeds of neglecting the Spirit within me. I kept on turning away from Him, so He chose to let me hit hard and fast, thankfully, before I did any more damage to myself or anyone else."

From A New Year and Grief: A Study ~ Part 3, January 2, 2008:

Following writing out the story of what I went through when I lost a friend to suicide, I wrote:

"The knowledge that everything is always under God's control was something I had been taught my whole life, but this was the first time I had ever claimed that truth for my own in order to comfort me through the strength and love of the Holy Spirit, to give me strength to bear the pain.

The night afer I found out, I was sitting at the computer, just playing solitaire, trying to get my mind off of things, and I had some music from the Gaither Vocal Band playing as well. As I sat there, I couldn't help but think about what had happened, about what I had learned, and I started crying again; but silently, not the sobs they had been earlier.

As I cried, I started listening to the music that was playing, or more specifically listening to the words, and as they began to sink in, I realized something amazing.

The song "Let Freedom Ring" was playing, and for the first time, I realized that despite the song sounding like it was talking about freedom from sin, it was also talking about freedom of any kind, because that's how capable and powerful our God is. I started crying in earnest at that point, because I realized that despite the fact that I knew that my grief wasn't a bad thing, that God expected it, and even wanted it so that He could bring me closer to Him, it didn't have to keep me in bondage. Immediately, I felt wellsprings of joy bubbling up inside my soul, completely seperate from the pain and grief in my heart.

That joy did not come from me, it was the Holy Spirit within me giving me His joy, keeping me from despair despite the horrible pain in my heart.

This truth is something that I have clung to ever since, because now I know that truly, I can be content, and even filled with God's supernatural joy, no matter whatever cirumstance I am in, no matter how grieved I am, no matter how much pain I am experiencing. He is always faithful, and His power can cut through any chain.

Dear believers, do not let past hurts and wrongs and griefs keep you from experiencing the love and joy of the Father. For that, along with anything that keeps us from drawing closer to Him, is bondage. That love and joy is always there, just waiting for us to accept it, so we can experience the freedom and blessings our Heavenly is just waiting to give us, and give us abundantly."

Well, at least I have a lot of material to work with now.

Zane Hodges

2008-11-24T15:05:00.002-06:00

Even though I haven't written very much about it since I started my blog over a year ago, I have been very aware over the past year of the issues involving and within the free-grace movement. I was shocked and surprised to learn that Zane Hodges, the author of the book Absolutely Free!, the book that has caused such a stir in the Duluth camp, passed away and went to be with the Lord over the weekend.

I don't know very much about the man personally, and I haven't read any of his books - though I've been meaning too - but I have a great respect for his ministry and I know he will be greatly missed.

Please see this article at the GES blog.

My first thoughts are thankfulness that Zane Hodges is with the Savior he loves, and that he is no longer in danger of being grieved and discouraged by the divisions amongst us. May we all remember to Whom we belong, and HIS work to which He has called us. May we all love each other and treat each other with kindness and gentleness, making the unity of entire Body of Christ our priority, not proving ourselves right and other brothers and sisters wrong.

Freelancing

2008-11-23T15:15:00.002-06:00

The past several weeks have been alternately busy and stressful for me, as I'm trying to secure a second job on top of the one I have at the convention center here in Duluth. I'll be moving to Iowa by February Lord willing, and I need a second job so I can become MUCH more financially stable and able to support myself while settling down in a new apartment in a new town. I've been putting in applications, which I'll be checking on now in this new week, as well as putting in new ones in other positions I've found to be open. However today I'm exploring again something that I've desired to do for quite a long time - freelance writing.

Devozine, by The Upper Room is a devotional magazine for teens that is 90% freelanced by both teenagers and adults who want to minister to them. I've known about this opportunity to pursue for a while, but I as of yet have not seriously pursued it for one reason or another. (Mostly laziness if I'm going to be honest.)

A second opportunity I discovered today, and I'm going to try it out, though I'm not sure how well it will actual produce monetary returns.

On my facebook page the ads most frequently displayed are those geared toward blogging and freelance writing for pay. Most of these ads are pretty much scams, requiring the writer to pay a membership fee before giving assignments to write. But I saw one today that is absolutely free and pretty much like a blog. It's called Hubpages, and it uses GoogleAdSense and other third party ads to bring revenue to the Hubber. You can have multiple Hubpages for writing on different specific topics, but I only have one for the moment to see how much I like it and how well it works. There's a box further down on this page that will link to my Hubpage, so if anyone wants to look at it and tell me what they think I'd of course appreciate it.

For now though, I'm going to focus on writing something to submit to the Devozine, and I'm going to post here the possible topics that I could write on and turn in by the December 1st deadline. Later today hopefully, I'll write a rough draft on at least one of the topics.

September/October 2009

[Deadline: 12/1/08]

in your shoes
can you say no?
bullied
good grief
like Christ
learning differently
i believe...
my fab fam
eco-fashion

Getting Personal

2008-11-19T10:16:00.002-06:00

Anyone who knows me very well can tell you what my favorite thing to do is: read. I DEVOUR books, and during times that I can't make it to the library, I re-reading anything I can find on my bookshelf. In the past two weeks I have finished reading Watership Down, Shadow of the Hegemon, A Voice in the Wind, and An Echo in the Darkness. And each of those books was at least 350 pages.

As I said, I love reading, but there is something about myself when I read certain books that really annoys me. Sometimes, the books get very personal, and I don't like it. It's not very pleasant when I get angry at a character in the book I'm reading, and a few hours later when trying to figure out why I'm restless and crabby realizing it's because I'm taking the characters actions personally. THEY'RE JUST BOOKS FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

*sigh* It's only certain books though, and none of the books that I finished recently elicited that reaction from me. (Although that might be because I'd already read them all before. I haven't been to the library in a while.)

It's the book I'm reading right now that is getting under my skin. I was prowling all the nooks and crannies in our house for a new book to read - we have a TON of books in our house, as I'm not the only one with a reading problem - and I stumbled upon a Christian Fiction book in the middle of a pile that I didn't know we had, so I decided to try it. Like most Christian Fiction books, unfortunately, this one is a little wanting in the literary department, but the story is pulling me in despite the deficiencies in writing quality. It's titled Pearl, the second in a series by Lauraine Snelling about a small town in the Dakotah Territory in the 1880's. We don't have the first, so I've had to make some guesses about some of the main characters regarding what happened before this book, but the main character, Pearl, is completely new as far as I can tell. And SHE is the reason for my emotional quandary.

She lives in Chicago with her family, consisting of her Father, brother, step-mother and half-siblings. She's 22 years old, and she has a scar on her neck from a childhood accident. (And like all the other main characters in the book, she's of Norwegian decent. I know there are a lot of Norwegian decedents in the U.S., myself included, but it's a little coincidental that ALL the main characters in a book, divided between 4 cities, would be Norwegian. But anyway, that's not what's keeping me up at night.)

Pearl's father is very controlling. It didn't really bother me at first, because he wasn't any more controlling with Pearl that he was in any other area of his life, and it seemed to be just part of his character. Another reason why it didn't bother me, his character isn't very realistic. Not in the way that he does things and makes decisions and says things that don't make any sense, but the author hasn't given enough information to explain WHY he is the way he is, and therefore justify the character she's given him. If something doesn't seem realistic to me in a book, it won't become personal. Until the character does something so stupid and selfish and egotistical that I begin to fume.

I'll explain: Throughout the whole book so far, Pearl's father has been hoping for her to marry one of his employees, Mr. Longstreet, a widower moved to Chicago from Duluth, MN (who woulda thought) with five kids. Pearl isn't interested, because he's not her type, and she knows she couldn't love him, even though as a teacher she of course has a soft spot for his kids. This didn't bother me, because I already know - from the back cover - that she's eventually going to move to the little town in the Dakotah to teach in a schoolhouse there. I still know that's going to happen, but the situation has gotten a lot more complicated. As Pearl lives in her fathers house, and as she's a Christian, she takes obeying her father very seriously, even though it's hard for her because she has a hard time believing that he actually does still love her. So when her father tells her that she needs to agree to Mr. Longstreet's request to court her, she has no choice but to obey. This was a little annoying, but I was under the impression that if Mr. Longstreet proposed she would have the freedom to say no.

I was mistaken. Mr. Longstreet never even proposed to her! Her father gave a party at their home, of course Mr. Longstreet was there, and during the party Pearl's father gave an announcement that his daughter was engaged!!! I mean, come on!!!

Gah, I HATE it when women are trapped by what they believe to be right. Pearl's father has put his foot down and is FORCING his daughter into a marriage, without her even being given the right to hear a proposal from the man she's supposed to marry.

Writing this, I feel really silly for getting so worked up, but this is the kind of thing that does it. Pearl knows she needs to obey her father, but I can't help but feel that this ISN'T what God meant.

But then I get to thinking, just because arranged marriages aren't the social norm anymore, does that make her father wrong? In biblical times, most marriages were arranged marriages. If I had been born in the time of Abraham or Isaac or Jacob or David, I would have had no choice but to marry whomever my father chose for me. But then again, I would have grown up with the knowledge that that would be the case. In this book, Pearl is taken completely by surprise. I'm sure she was under the supposition that if she were to ever marry, it would be to a man of her own choosing, someone she would have time to get to know and fall in love with. I know this story is set 120 years ago, and that society was much stricter for women especially, but I still can't see how her father is right in demanding this of her. When Pearl goes to try to plead with her father, and asks if she may say something, he responds with "only if it is to say 'yes Father.' " I just don't understand....

*deep breath*

[/rant]

A Conversation

2008-11-17T00:53:00.004-06:00

~Child, daughter, beloved. You know I died for you, for your sins, to bring you to my Father. Why do you hold onto the failures that embarrass you the most? That make you feel the most unworthy of the love I've already given you freely of myself?

~Because I'm frightened.

~Of what?

~Of facing the truth. Of continuing to let myself down and let those down who love me. Of not becoming what I want to be.

~Has holding onto your sin helped?

~No. It just keeps getting worse. My circumstances never seem to change. Things on the surface fluctuate, but I still have the same weaknesses I fell to over and over again four years ago. It seems that everything I've learned in the past year has done nothing. I'm still clinging, looking for stories and ways to make my pen flow in ways pleasing to others.

~So... what does that mean?

~You know.

~Yes, but you need to know.

~I thought this was all about my knowing not helping anything.

~No, that's what you think it's about, that's just a symptom.

~A symptom of what?

~What did you write to your friend about with so much joy and conviction?

~Which part?

~Amanda....

~Everything is about you. And your love.

~You sound so enthusiastic.

~I wish I felt enthusiastic! I've felt so dead lately, or I fluctuate between deadness and guilt and pain. I'm either overwhelmed by my sins, or when I can get my mind off them because I know you don't want me to dwell on them, I still feel like there is something blocking my connecting to you. During the messages and the conversations and the letter writing I know all the answers and everything seems to fit together. But when I'm on my own, trying to reach you, I can't seem to get things to click together, to connect with what I know to be true.

I'm so tired, and it's so easy to just give everything up and try to forget about it when fatigue takes over and I sleep.

~Does that ever bring you peace? And do you really think that would be worth it?

~No....and no. It's just been my fall back plan so many times in my life that it's just too easy to fall back into....wait a minute. That's it. It's my pit.

~And child, what do you know about pits? Or better yet, what do you know about me and how I relate to pits and those who are in them?

~I know you're the only one who can get me out. I know I never want it to get as bad as it was before.

~And why did it get so bad before?

~Because I completely lost sight of you. Until it got so bad I only had you to look to.

~Beloved - and I love that that's what your parents named you, remember that. Your name - Amanda - really does mean the way I think and feel about you. My beloved Amanda, I am so thankful that you turned to me at that point, and I never felt anything except sorrow during the time I was waiting for you. Never anger, never disappointment. Just sorrow and yearning for you to let me draw near and introduce you to my Father and our truth and love. But child, I don't want you to have to wait that long to turn to me! I want you to choose me before it gets to the point where I'm the only option. I don't want you to lose the blessings you have let me give you because you get my priorities for you rearranged and out of place. I love you, let me give you everything.

NaNoWriMo!!!!!

2008-11-08T00:18:00.002-06:00

Yep, I know it's kinda bad that the last time I wrote here was when I discovered the NaNoWriMo competition....thing. I'm in the midst of it right now of course, and struggling, so I don't really have time to even THINK about my blog. I barely take the time to read my email. But I wanted to share this encouraging letter the NaNoWriMo authors were sent as one of the first-week celebrity pep-talks by author Jonathan Stroud. (I'd never heard of him before, but once this horrible month is over I'll have to check him out.) ...and no, it's not really that bad. It's hard, but so far I like my novel and the direction my novel is taking. If anyone reading this is by any chance interested, I'm writing my novel on my Livejournal account, then copy/pasting it to an Word document so I can get the word count. I'm not very far at the moment...my week 3 is going to be hell...but I'm determined to get through this. All you other NaNoWriMo's out there, I wish you luck! See you on the other side.

Jonothan Stroud Pep-Talk ~

Dear NaNoWriMo Author,

You could write a novel about the act of writing a novel. It's a heroic act. (Or so I tell myself as I sit here in my garret study, chewing my nails, scratching my nose and staring blankly at my screen. That's what this is, I say grimly: a heroic act.) Why is it so heroic? Because it fits the mythic pattern of all great legendary heroes' lives. It's the story of a mighty quest accepted, of a long journey undertaken, of insuperable obstacles overcome and finally—in your case after 30 painful days—of lasting triumph won. It would make a fine movie, apart from the scratching the nose bi t—probably starring Charlton Heston. Full of dramatic highs, dreadful lows and endless tedious bits when the audience goes out to make a cup of tea. It's an epic, all right, and we're all in it together.

Here's how it works for me. At the beginning there's a kind of honeymoon period, where I'm pretty excited by the idea in my head, and the possibilities it evokes. Sure there are a zillion details to be worked out later, and plenty of things that don't yet mesh, but that's ok—we've lots of time. I write the odd fragment and chuckle over the occasional piquant joke. I do a bit of research, visit museums wearing black roll-neck sweaters, scribble ideas down on napkins in coffee houses. It's a pleasant calm before the storm.

Then things darken a little. Time is pressing. I want to get to grips with the novel, but I haven't a clue how. This is the 'phony war' period. I now apply myself seriously to work, but the trouble is that it doesn’t hold together. Scenes start promisingly but peter into nothing. Main characters turn out to have all the zest of a cardboard box abandoned in the rain. Dialogue is lousy. Description descends into wall-to-wall cliché. No fragment lasts more than two or three pages before being printed off and tossed aside. And still the real writing hasn't begun.

In fact, without a few imperatives to nail things down, it's quite possible for these first two periods to last forever. Honeymoon and phony war: one of them's breezy, the other's frustrating, but both are equally deadly to the hopes of any novel. The author might easily stay scribbling, doodling, crossing out and reworking forever. The heroic quest deteriorates into a dog chasing its tail.

That's why a deadline—like the one you're working to—is such a good idea.

With my Bartimaeus Trilogy I had a big fat fantasy novel to write each year, three years in a row. One novel a year? That's not so hard. Or so I thought. Then I figured out that what with the time taken up with editing and revising my manuscript, and then with printing and distributing it, I actually had about five or six months to get the first draft done. And it wasn't long before I was mired in the phony war period, with lots of fragments, half-ideas and wasted weeks behind me, and saw my deadline looming.

So I did exactly the same thing you're doing this November, and set myself a strict schedule of pages per week to get the first draft done. In my case this worked out at about 100 pages per month for 3-4 months. Each day I kept strict records of what I achieved; each day I tottered a little nearer my goal. Five pages per working day was my aim, and sometimes I made this easily. Other times I fell woefully short. Some days I was happy with what I got down; some days I could scarcely believe the drivel that clogged up the page. But quality was not the issue right then. Quality could wait. This was n't the moment for genteel self-editing. This was the time when the novel had to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into existence, and that meant piling up the pages.

So I did it, one page at a time, even when it was like pulling teeth or squeezing blood from a stone. I did it. And you can do it too.

This is just a first draft, after all. It doesn't have to be a perfect thing. I once met an author who claimed only to write when actively inspired. She was a fine and venerated writer, so I didn't let my jaw loll open too widely in her presence, but I didn't really buy her claim, and I still don't buy it now. If 'inspiration' is when the words just flow out, each one falling correctly on the page, I've been inspired precisely once in ten years. All the rest of the time, as I've been piecing together my seven novels, it's been a more or less painful effort. You write, you complete a draft in the time you've got, you take a rest. Then—later, when you've recovered a little—you reread and revise. And so it goes. And little by little the thing that started off as a heap of fragments, a twist of ideas trapped inside your head, begins to take on its own shape and identity, and becomes a living entity, separate from yourself.

Getting that first draft out is a horribly hard grind, but that (perversely) is where the joy of it lies. There is nothing better for me, nothing more uniquely satisfying in the whole process of making a book, than the sensation at the end of each day—good or bad, productive or unproductive—when I look over and see a little fragile stack of written pages that weren't there that morning. A few hours earlier they didn't exist. And now they do. In a strange way this is more actively thrilling than even holding my finished, printed, book in my hands. It's where the magic lies. Alchemists tried for centuries to turn base metals into gold. Every time we sit down and put words on paper, we succeed where they failed. We're conjuring something out of nothing.

So what does my advice boil down to? Sweat blood, churn out the pages, ignore the doldrums, savour the moments when the words catch fire. Good luck with your novels. Those old legendary heroes may not have sat around like us drinking cold coffee and tapping steadily at their keypads, but for them—and for us—it's the journey that's the thing. That's where the fun is.

Jonathan

I've been bitten.....

2008-09-18T21:21:00.003-05:00

....by a writing bug. (I hope this one never stops itching.)

For my own benefit, and also for possible feedback from others, I am going to post a list of different Writing Forums that I am looking into. The impulsive side of me would just jump right in and register to all of them....but I'm already having a hard time keeping up with my email. (Not to mention this blog, which is my current writing priority.)

I'm not limiting myself to only one, there are different writing forums with different purposes, but I want to make sure I don't join one that will just be me overextending myself without any added benefit or growth potential in my writing.

One I've already decided on, but it's a little bit different from just a writing forum. My friend Tim Nichols introduced me yesterday to National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I have to say I'm rather anxious to try it. Hence.... I'm starting to gear up for that and hopefully find an even better way to motivate myself to start writing even more than I am right now. (Which I know, isn't saying a whole lot, but you have to admit, I'm doing better keeping this blog up than I did all summer!)

Actually, last night when I couldn't sleep, (isn't such a strange thing for me unfortunately,) I took the insomniac opportunity to do a little writing and was pleasantly surprised with the beginnings of a story I ended up coming up with. I'm not going to share it here, this isn't really a "story" blog, but I do want to find a place where I can continue to delve into that genre and hopefully get some feedback as well. (Keeping up more than one blog is proving a little too difficult for me.)

But anyway, I might as well stop explaining myself and get to it.

~ NaNoWriMo

~ Writing Forums

~ Writer's Beat Forums

~ Writing.Com

~ LiteraryMary

~ Access for Writers by UniqueCritique

~ Faith Writers

~ Christian Writers

~ Edit Red

~ The Next Big Writer

~ Toasted Cheese

~ Forward Motion

~ Great Writing

~ InkSpot

Well...I think that's a good enough list for now. As I do more research into each site, (not too extensive, just poking around to see what the offerings are,) I'll probably edit this post to jot down my thoughts; what the pros and cons of each site are. And again, if anyone has any feedback about any of these sites through either using them yourself, word of mouth, or looking them over, please feel free to share.

Alright, off to do research!

Fantasy, Fable, Foibles, Freedom

2008-09-16T22:31:00.003-05:00

Which stories are the best? Those where you find yourself wishing the world it brings you to is real, or those that are so real you're thankful it's just a story?

I want to live vicariously through my writing. I realized that tonight. I don't want to do anything drastic in my writing of course.

I want to pretend I live in a mansion, and my closest friends are the little people that live under the floor boards and mine out the agates from under the house.

I want to travel the world as a waitress on a cruise line, meeting new people and unattached and focused on whoever and whatever God sets before me.

I want.....

I want to create worlds different from the one I live in, without the troubles I face, but new troubles invented that I can - from this objective seat - see the exact course that must be taken.

But who would want to read something like that? How would I not get tired of writing that?

I don't know the answers to these questions. I just need to write.

Encouragement through music

2008-09-16T18:36:00.003-05:00

Hopefully, if I'm not too tired, I'll be able to write a real post later tonight when I get back from a Bible study.

Before I leave though, I want to share a video of something encouraging and/or funny. I haven't done that in a while.

One Good Song

Tim Hawkins on Church

Bitterness and Healing

2008-09-14T14:16:00.003-05:00

The last few days have been very busy, as between Friday and Saturday, I worked a total of nineteen and a quarter hours. 13 of those hours were on Friday. Yes. I'm not exaggerating. When I got home from work around 10:20 last night, my feet were so sore I felt like there were tacks stuck into my heels.

Oh well, I'll get a good paycheck next Friday.

Anyway, I feel like my thoughts are still rather scattered, but not quite as bad as when I last wrote. Went to church this morning, and the service was very encouraging. The pastor there has been doing a series called "Encountering God in the Psalms." The text today: Psalm 73. The question: Where is God When Life is Unfair?

I felt the message today was pretty appropriate for what I've been dealing with lately, as I've been struggling with finding contentment with where I'm at right now as a whole. Yes, I know that I'm very fortunate and that life is good and that God is providing for everything I need, but that's just the theology of the situation; what I know in my head to be true. Sometimes my experience isn't very supportive of my theology. Actually, the contridiction of theology and experience was the first thing touched on in the message today. (Kinda cool how I worked that in there, huh?) ;)

Here's the text of Psalm 73 first of all.

Psalm 73, a Psalm of Asaph NLT

Truly God is good to Israel,
to those whose hearts are pure.
But as for me, I almost lost my footing.
My feet were slipping, and I was almost
gone.
For I envied the proud
when I saw them prosper despite their
wickedness.
They seem to live such painless lives;
their bodies are so healthy and strong.
They don't have troubles like other people;
they're not plagued with problems like
everyone else.
They wear pride like a jeweled necklace
and clothe themselves with cruelty.
These fat cats have everything
their hearts could ever wish for!
They scoff and speak only evil;
in their pride they seem to cursh others.
They boast against the very heavens,
and their words strut throughout the
earth.
And so the people are dismayed and
confused,
drinking in all their words.
"What does God know?" they ask.
"Does the Most High even know what's
happening?"
Look at these wicked people -
enjoying a life of ease while their riches
multiply.

Did I keep my heart pure for nothing?
Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?
I get nothing but trouble all day long;
every morning brings me pain.
If I had really spoken this way to others,
I would have been a traitor to your people.
So I tried to understand why the wicked
prosper.
But what a difficult task it is!
Then I went into your sanctuary, O God,
and I finally understood the destiny of the
wicked.
Truly, you put them on a slippery path
and send them sliding over the cliff to
destruction.
In an instant they are destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors.
When you arise, O Lord,
you will laugh at their silly ideas
as a person laughs at dreams in the
morning.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter,
and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant -
I must have seemed like a senseless animal
to you.
Yet I still belong to you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow
weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart,
he is mine forever.

Those who desert him will perish,
for you destroy those who abandon you.
But as for me, how good it is to be near God!
I have made the Sovereign LORD my shelter,
and I will tell everyone about the
wonderful things you do.

In the past, when I read Psalms such as this one, I never really understood them. To be honest, I avoided them or skipped over the depressing parts to get to the encouraging stuff. In the last few years however I've been beginning to appreciate them. Yes, the writers of the Psalms were writing through the ispiration of the Holy Spirit. But they were still human! This Psalm in particular is a depictment of the the writer's despair, and it's emotionally hard to read. But the Bible, as always, is brutally honest. It deals with the hard questions. God wants us to ask the questions we have. Why? Because he's big enough to encompass our doubt and give us peace! Because he wants the chance to prove to us his love, strength and desire to care for us. (Starting with and especially through what he's already done.)

Looking at all the "depressing" verses, one is usually inclined to read them from the same viewpoint as the writer. However, when it comes to many of the characteristics of the wicked, most of them can unfortunately be applied to believers as well as unbelievers. It might not be the most enjoyable thing in the world to realize one can at times act like a "fat cat," however I believe it can be ultimately very beneficial when reading verses like these to ask ourselves - What about me? Do I have an overgrown sense of entitlement? Do I think I'm not getting what I deserve from God? Do I see others getting unfair "privileges"? Better yet, instead of asking myself, I need to be asking my Father these questions. I'm pretty sure he can reveal the truth to me a little bit better than I can. (My overgrown sense of entitlement might prevent me from discerning the truth if I just ask myself.)

Back to the writer though. Through his viewpoint, he found bitterness growing in his heart as he focused on what was wrong in the world. Discovering the bitterness he is dismayed before the Lord, likening himself to a "senseless animal." From experience, I know that when one has bitterness growing in their heart, almost any behavior becomes possible. When one is cynical about the future and their hope is being siffoned away from them, losing sight of what really matters, the importance of sharing joy with others - of even enjoying the Father's joy oneself - will be forgotten. The more bitter a person is, the more confused their thinking will become. Bitterness leads to cynicism; cynicism leads to seperation and relational hardships; relational seperation produces brokeness.

Realizing that bitterness can lead to brokeness is important, because I know that I often don't remember that bitterness is a wound that God wants to heal. And when considering that, it is a blessing to realize that even bitterness can be used by God in a person's life for good. The writer in the Psalm realizes the bitter root in his heart, and through his response to the Lord - surrendering to his council and recognizing his love and provision - he was brought into greater joy and peace as he grew closer to God through the healing.

When we recognize that we have allowed the affliction of bitterness and cry out to the Father for discerment and healing, the Lord gives us understanding that brings so many other issues to light. Yes, there are those who are wicked and ignore the power of God. But gaining a right understanding of the root of their behavior through God's eyes is what prevents the bitterness from taking hold. (Our culture is not a lense through which to read the Bible. The Bible is the lens through which to view and understand our culture.)

Understanding rebellion changes everything. Understanding the Cross changes everything. Understanding eternity changes everything. Everything is broken without God.

Where does this understanding come from? The writer goes into the sanctuary, and then he gains discernment. We know that the sanctuary was the Temple in the time the Psalms were written, but what is the sanctuary today? The building where you meet on Sundays? No. The sanctuary is where God dwells. The sanctuary is the church - the people. Every child of God is indwelt with the Holy Spirit. Our indwelling is the sanctuary.

I love the way the Psalm ends. "But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do." The writer realized earlier in the Psalm how wrong and damaging it would be to share his discouraging and bitter thoughts with others, God's people especially. Of course, he does ultimately share his bitter thoughts, but only when accompanied by the understanding God gave him through the healing of his bitterness. And now his only desire is to be near God! And the only words coming off his tongue are those of praise and wonder at the wonder of the Father.

Cleaning Out the Cobwebs

2008-09-11T20:35:00.002-05:00

Yes, usually people clean out cobwebs during spring cleaning, but I don't think I should put off updating my blog 'til next spring.

Well, where to start?

I've missed writing, and I think my frustrations are largely to do with being unable to do anything about a lot of them. Or at least, not seeing a solution to my problems. I don't want that to keep me from writing though.

Life, God, family, everything is good right now for the most part. I'm so thankful for everything God has been bringing me through and everything he has taught me in the last few months. This summer has been quite eventful, and the departure of the season is leaving me eager to see what autumn, winter, and the next year will bring.

Christopher is wonderful, and our relationship has continued to grow despite the distance we're still struggling to cope with. Actually, I think the distance has helped us to grow closer together than we would have grown in 4 months while living in the same city. We appreciate each other and treasure the time we get to spend together so much more since we get it in so limited amounts. I know that long-distance relationships aren't for everyone, because they are so hard, but I can see God's hand in our circumstances in being apart and I know that this distance is fulfilling a purpose God has for us. I'm not at all sure what it is at this point, but I do know that we grow closer everyday. We love each other more everyday. I can't wait to move to Iowa and be close to Christopher, but I am content with where God has us right now, and I am so thankful for the relationship God is creating between us.

I've also been blessed this summer by meeting many new believers that God has placed into my life and life of our family. I've been attending the Vineyard church here in Duluth, and I've really enjoyed the small group Bible study I've been going to. The fellowship has been so encouraging; to be able to spend time again with other believers so intent on understanding the Word and what God's will is for them. I've met some really good friends through all this, and I'm very thankful for the prayers and encouragment they offer me and I'm able to offer them. There is nothing quite like the Body of Christ living and working together in the love of our Father.

There have been a lot of changes in my life this summer. I'm having to make so many decisions about the future, and I've really been tested in whether or not I trust that God can take care of me and that He has a perfect plan already set out for the treading of my trusting feet. One event kinda brought all that to a head in early August, when my best friend got married. Emily is the first of the girls I grew up with to get hitched, and I am so happy and thankful that she asked me to be a part of that special day with her. The wedding was beautiful and so encouraging, but it also kinda scared me. I'm growing up, I've crossed over the threshold of adulthood. I know I still have a lot of growing up to do, but life sometimes has a way of catching up with and knocking the wind out of us before we know what's really going on. With Christopher in my life, the way now has a definite focus, but it's opened up so many more possiblities and paths that it's still just as confusing. I can't wait to see what God does though, I know he has something wonderful planned for me and Christopher.

I'm having a hard time focusing on one thing right now, I just needed to get writing again. In the last three weeks both Wayne Jacobsen and Tim Nichols came to visit my family and the little community of believers we're in, and - in their own ways - both encouraged me to continue to write. I'll be writing more about their visits later, but I'd just like to thank both of them for the fellowship and encouragment and joy they shared with us while visiting.

A while ago a friend gave me a huge writer's handbook/guidebook kind of thing, and in the back there was a huge long list of different magazines of all kinds that accepted freelance submissiongs. One that I found and am very interested in seeing if I can submit articles to is called Devozine, a branch of The Upper Room - a devotional magazine. Devozine is just like the Upper Room, except it's for teenagers and written by teenagers and adults who care about teenagers. I have several devotional ideas based on the upcoming themes they have announced, and once I finish them and mail them in I'll post them here. The only hard part is that they have to be between 150-250 words. In case you haven't noticed, when I do write, I write a lot. Cutting the articles down and still maintaining the flow is what I'm having a hard time with.

Later I want to write some responses to the books I've read and finished so far this summer.

Ok, I think I've given myself enough prods and reminders to continue writing. See you tomorrow.

The Nature of Sandcastles

2008-08-18T18:53:00.002-05:00

I just read this on Jeremy Meyers' blog, and I really like it. Thanks for sharing this Jeremy, hope you don't mind my sharing it here as well.

My family and I spent the day at the lake recently (It’s been about 100 degrees for over a month now!), and as part of the day’s events, we built a sand castle. Allow me to brag about my construction skills. The sand castle was amazing, complete with walls, turrets, gates, flags, a moat, and even a cannon with little cannon balls.

When we were nearly done, Selah asked “Can we come back and play with this castle next week?”

“No,” I replied. “Someone will probably come along and knock it down.”

“Why?” she asked.

My wife chimed in, “Because that’s the nature of sand castles. We build them to enjoy building them, and then leave them for others to look at before they knock them down.”

Selah, not at all upset by this information, said, “Well, we better build a good one then, so that they enjoy looking at it before they knock it down.”

That, I think, is my new philosophy to life and mission. Everything I do in life will probably be knocked down once I am gone. In fact, it seems that some people are trying to knock me down before I even get the first wall built. So the best I can do is build in such a way to (1) enjoy the process of building, and (2) build so that someone enjoys looking at what I build before it is destroyed.

I figure that if God wants my life work to outlast me, that’s up to Him. Attempting to build something for myself when God is not behind it is like trying to protect sand castles against the tide.

Angel

2008-06-29T22:00:00.002-05:00

I know a post is due - I'm working through a few different things in my mind right now; hopefully a post by Wednesday. Until then: this is my current favorite song and I just want to share it. It's not spiritual or a Christian Praise song or anything, but anyone reading my blog lately will understand why I enjoy it. :)

If you got a good one, put your hands up
Come on girl, and stand up
Go ahead lift your man up