whiffling through the tulgey wood

2009-10-16T22:42:00.000-07:00

Let's start that again;
Now that I'm old
Blah blah blah
staring at the waistland
below the belt
that's hitting
like Joe Dimaggio
and
Marilyn Monroe
full count bases loaded
tv is on black and white
wall to wall carpeting
it's almost christmas time
and it's fucking hot out
I need another beer
throw the cans off the deck
we'll shoot at them later

one day he showed me where the pistol was and where the bullets were
and said don't ever shoot this gun, it's old and it might blow up.
The next day after school I loaded it,took it outside and pointed it at a wooden stake next to one of the trees we'd planted and fired.

I'm straying from you.
Something has changed. I can tell you don't love me anymore. I can tell.

He had a bag of weed in his desk drawer. He grew it in the garden between the corn stalks. This was probably a pretty high level security risk- no pun intended. He never smoked it so I kept pinching off of it. I would put some herb,I forget what,in to make it look like it was all there. I think it was oregano.

I could be dying now. I could fucking die. I think about it.

sidekick

2009-10-16T22:39:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm old
blah blah blah
now that I've forgotten what your name is
blaggity blaggity blap
haha
blap
what kind of word is that?
onomoetoepiaism
that's when the pancake batter
hits the superhero's sidekick
BLAP!

2009-10-16T22:34:00.000-07:00

I'm focusing
but I lost
i got distracted
Span style
and an image
from
a Wayan bros movie
damn smoking all that weed and
crazy ass hair
and bizarre space age guns

any I'm not focusing
I'm drinking a short double latte
and a small Calistoga mineral water and
pretending not to be interested in the young women sitting near me.

2009-10-15T03:33:00.000-07:00

blathering
blithering natty dreadlocking
unfurled
unforgiven
unfestooned
unfucked
worn out
and wily
burning incense to ward
offf bad book spirits
feeling the need
for animal spirit
ceremony
to drive out
bad spirits to
incite to ignite
a pile of burning
leaves
to reward a low slung sun
to break
with tradition and
be tradition
to wear brown
and be red
to break bred
to bust bowie knife memories
to syphon off gasoline
drippings
to rend the future
to mend the suture that tears
the thoughts
of incredibly boring
work day
with no underlying
redemption
with no spirit
no-spirit
is not good
and breaking the tradition by
buying an old car
and driving to LA
just to be in
Santa Monica
and be glad you don't live there
waiting for the ocean
waiting the broken
movie star
trampled newspaper
morning
coffee with
shaking hands
and frayed
nerve
and hoping it will be HOT

HOT HOT HOT cause it never is
any
more and I'll have to get in
a car thta sweltering
and it will be
impossible to sit
on hot plastic

I'm not worried about breakfast
I'm not worried about bacon and eggs and potatoes and
coffee
I am worried about the coffee
my life revolves around coffee and
blue jeans
my torn blue jean
days are fraid
fraid not
frayed knot
I'm fucking bored
seriously

IV. the IVY wraps
around
william Tell
and his bow can stretch
no further
and or might have been before

I'm boring myself now
by stealing

but I want hot
wet humid
night
windy
and windy
and fuck
how many times
can I reinvent myself?
I hear something scratching
something
near the window
its dark out
it's the middle of the night
it's night and
the city breathes and scrapes
but it's peaceful
and not cold
and not
raining
and not LAUREL canyon
and NOT my mom's house
and NOT my father not knowing where he is
and NOT the Lawrence Radiation Lab
and YES it's
closer to breakfast than
dinner
and yes I will
be at work
tomorrow
and YES I'm sick of hearing about babies
but ya know that's what people do
they have babies.

space station 12: the xaser gun killing

2009-09-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

sizzle

2009-09-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

oh sizzle
sell that
greasy hot popping
sizzle SNAP OW!
THAT BURNED MY ARM!
Fufdge why are you always oh sizzler this
and oh sizzler that?
have a god damn biscuit ferrchrissakes!
Did you pee in my Remington?
Where's my Millenium Falcon model?
fufdge I'm hungry.

ok now lets try that once again

2009-09-02T21:53:00.000-07:00

scenes

2009-08-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

incorporate jabberwocky into movie- dream sequences
or after taking recreational drugs
maybe a peyote jabberwocky

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

richard dreyfus

2009-08-19T22:59:00.000-07:00

merde le
terd le
yerdle unfurled
standing through
an alootment
not unlike
Terry Waite's?
oh Znap mein liebchen
waiting on spaghetti

another scene

2009-08-12T09:53:00.001-07:00

just riffing here.. Man in a bear suit smoking a cigar says to a Hassidic Rabbi - I love your curls- do you use product?

possible scene

2009-08-11T07:20:00.000-07:00

Maybe a den of blind mole rats all with John Malkovich's face saying "Malkovich, Malkovich" Or maybe not.

A screenplay

2009-08-04T14:12:00.000-07:00

whiffling through the tulgey wood. A screenplay.

A blogger in his late twenties writing about nothing gets sued by the heirs of a renowned children's book for pernicious misappropriation of their ancestors' famous books. The blogger, unknown to any type of notice much less notoriety, basks in the media frenzy and receives an offer from a well known film director to make a movie about the events. Prone to bouts of chemical and alcohol ingestion, his new found notoriety leads to a series of involvements with supermodels(a girl named Alice), drug addicts, hollywood actors, agents, producers, writers, magazine editors as well as lawyers and literary publishers as the court case and movie proceeds. Reality spills into reality until our hero is like Ignatius Jacques Reilly down the rabbit hole talking to the mad hatter.

2.1 million dollar car 16 cylinders (two v-8's)

2009-06-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

2009 Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Grand Sport, mid engine, all-wheel drive two-door convertible.

Price: test model, $2.1 million, including sales tax and delivery (price fluctuates according to the value of the euro.)

Power train: 8-liter W-16 1,001-horsepower, quadro-turbocharged 16-cylinder engine. Seven-speed automatic transmission, with paddle-shifting and manumatic function.

Curb weight: 4,387 pounds.

Seating capacity: two.

Fuel consumption : 8 mpg, city; 14 mpg, highway.

Fuel tank capacity: 26.4 gallons.

0-60 in 3 seconds top speed 253 mph

only you can prevent forest fires

2009-05-23T22:20:00.000-07:00

smokey the bear fired an m16 rifle
but it jammed and the viet cong
poured over the barricades
he wept about his honey
and his picnic basket but
the dead children didn't go away
it looked like rain again
he would have to hear it
nothing smells like a wet bear
but he didn't care
he liked the smell of the rain and the smoke
and the the sound of canned rations
being opened.

The medina in Tangiers

2009-05-16T04:48:00.000-07:00

down the mogul
protusions
sleeping with the rich
caramel bedded camel like
dromedary
sweet eyelashes
mosques and minarets
and drunken mullahs
dirty dirty and sad
sad sad and dirty
poor and obnoxious in an
ancient city
dressed like an
ancient turd
'go GO that way, don't listen to me SEE if i
CARE!'

Berkeley

2009-05-16T04:45:00.000-07:00

crust bucket
flo-nilla
ivory tongued flotilla
piracy of privacy
'aint no such thing muh negro'

possible supporting actors

2009-03-20T14:31:00.000-07:00

"I'll be good, boss. I won't backslide."

Well there's been talk going around about who we will get as supporting actors. Jack Nicholson was thrown around a bit as my dad or maybe a cranky neighbor. He and his agent came to a meeting and, man, was he an asshole. I couldn't believe it. He was all, like, what's my motivation? And i was like, "I don't know Man, what is your motivation?" Anyway I always thought he was cool- Five Easy Pieces, where he's a roughneck oil rig worker who has to go back to the northwest because his father's dying and he leaves his girlfriend in the hotel for three weeks.
Maybe he was in character in the meeting- who knows?
Anyway they were also talking about who would be my girlfriend (not that I have one)and I was all about Scarlet Johannson. She's hot.
I'd also like to get Julie Christie in the movie and Catherine Deneuve.
Julie Christie in McCabe & Mrs. Miller- classic Altman.
Maybe Warren Beatty as a judge when I'm getting sentenced for some crime against the state. Or maybe he could be my dad and Nicholson my lawyer.
I'd also like to get Burt Bacharach to do some of the music. Something like the south american getaway music he did for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I used to have the poster of them from the final shot of the movie on my wall as well the classic shot from Easy Rider.

If Strother Martin was still around we could have him the movie as an old prospector or something.

Anyway there will be more meetings and more names thrown around

lawsuit update

2009-02-22T12:53:00.001-08:00

My lawyer says we'll just have to sit it out and wait; these lawsuits take for ever! The Society for the Presevation of the Integrity of the Works of Lewis Carroll (SPIWLC) have subpoenaed pretty much my whole life; emails, tax records, phone history, bank account history, fucking medical records, EVERYTHING. These fuckers don't fuck around! They wanted an injunction against me writing about the case ( gag order) but the judge put the Kaibosh on that. My lawyer says we're going to hit back at the board members and request all the same stuff from them- he's looking for conflict of interest. He thinks they might back off if we go after their personal info. I never knew making a movie about a blog could be so complicated. The movie producers are waiting to see what happens but they are trying to generate pre-publicity- "there's no bad publicity" We might be doing a photo shoot for Vanity Fair! yeah fucking sweet. I always knew this blog would pay off big time.

alice in wonderland my ass

2009-02-16T18:52:00.000-08:00

Ok Now we're getting sued. For real. the Society for the Preservation of Lewis Carroll has decided that we are using the creative works of Lewis Carroll for financial gain and and causing harm to the reputation of his works. I'm like WTF can they do that. The producers don't want to spend the money to fight the case, seems the society has some deep pockets. My lawyer thinks this may actually be a gold mine. He says they're barking down the wrong rabbit hole, that they better beware the claws that catch and the jaws that bite and don't even think about messing with the Jubjub bird. Word! He told me not to write a word about this but what good is a blog if you can't write about what is really going on in your life?

WTTTW the movie

2009-02-12T15:43:00.000-08:00

I wonder if this is the first blog that's been made into a movie? The producers sent over a photographer this morning to get some photos of me working. He had very specific orders- no pants. I was like what? and he said yeah they wanted photos of me in like a bathrobe or something drinking coffee looking like I just woke up at three in the afternoon. I thought man this is bullshit what kind of bullshit is this? but my lawyer said just do it they're getting ready to sign the deal so don't fuck it up... those fucking producers are a bunch of scumballs. I wonder if they actually read my blog? I wonder who will play me in the movie? Probably Philip Seymour Hoffman or Nicholas Cage like in Adaptation or maybe that nut job Chris Cooper. Or I could be kinda badass like a mixed up Daniel Craig.

soon to be released !

2009-02-12T00:03:00.000-08:00

After the notoriety from the attempted censorship and forced apology from the administrators I have some folks interested in doing a movie of my story! Fucking and A!
They want to call it 'Whiffling Through the Tulgey Wood' and then some subtitle like 'a bloggers story' or 'Life of a Blogger'. They would try to get a real sense of what my daily life is like - filming me for three weeks as I go through the process of trying to put my life back together after the devastating events of my blogger censorship and enforced apology. Me meeting with my lawyer talking about how where the deep pockets are, how we can get the UCLA (united civil liberties of america) to help with the legal fees and xeroxing, scenes of me riding my bike to the cafe to get a double latte,saying hi to some cute girls, stuff like that. i think this could be a summer sleeper especially if we throw in some CIA stuff. It's really a lot to deal with.

apology

2009-02-11T23:47:00.000-08:00

I have to apologize for the last few posts
you see I'm under a lot of stress
and now they're threatening to shut me down.
they said I needed to clean up my blog and apologize or
I wouldn't be allowed to continue-
'Too many complaints, questionable material and what if young people who are underage read it?'
so this is my apology I'm sorry I fucked up and wrote a bunch of shitty poetry
and you had to read it and your kids - something happened to your kids
I'm sorry -i don't what it was but I'm sorry anyway
so please just go fuck yourselves and I'm sorry

I'm from the streets

2009-02-11T23:40:00.000-08:00

your whole building is a bunch of faggot ass bullshit
okay yeah I get it somebody towed your car now
please go the fuck away you stupid
dipshit
can you believe that crap
fuck that guy
yeah what a dumbshit
our faggot ass building haha

!1!!!

2009-02-11T23:24:00.000-08:00

got me a fife
got me a old fiddle
i'm a fucking country boy
so suck on the end of my shotgun
and pony up to the
bar
we'll eat cornflakes painted red
white and blue
we'll smoke indian blood cigarettes
and spit into spitoons made from real mohair and
the skull of an abandoned female caribou
'I AIN'T SHIITIN' YOU THIS STUFF IS REAL!'
but tell me somthing - do you work in a medical office-
how did you know-do you read chinese?
No it's your umbrella
no I saw them they were stealing biscotti from Starbucks- biscotti!
I saw them outside counting up their loot- one guy - the one
with the over stuffed jacket had like seven packages
sealed in plastic
I didn't know what he was going to do with them-
eat them, sell them

'it's the economy' what are you gonna do
call the cops?
'THEY'RE STEALING FROM STARBUCKS- MY GOD WHAT'S NEXT?'
I've seen it rain and fire in the sky
he said
pony up here and I'll tell you a story.

are those ski goggles or beer?

2009-02-11T23:08:00.000-08:00

oh miserable
anthropomorphized
digital self
for sad sad figure
in a pixelated glass
staring with
eyes aged by
drooping
curtain of light
plasma screamed
tv
dripping
IV tube reality with razor blades and bullets
pushing metal on newspapers
crowding out the japanese tourists
on the train with their
rain gear and plans
for the weekend
i'm staring at a girl
with her mouth open
looking up like
joan of arc or some girl
in a porno and it's disconcerting to see
that on the train when
you just want to drink your coffee
and get to work
but along the way you read
about senators falling into pools of tar
and they try to laugh it off
'ha ha fell into a pool of tar like a
sabre toothed tiger' and then you have
your blood drawn and it doesn't hurt
but it sure is dark
you didn't realize it was so dark and syrupy
'one good thing about having high blood pressure- the blood comes out fast!'