View from the Cloud

Variant E

2009-07-08T19:33:00.007-05:00

Gah! I've been hacked!

Back in April, I participated in a little ruse to spoof VE's readers, wherein he had 5 other bloggers pose as himself while he was away for a week in the Caribbean, playing with his brand new wife and sipping fruity rum drinks. You can read my contribution here.

Now it's my turn... to spoof you that is. While you weren't paying attention over the last month, VE has guest ~~hacked~~ posted here on this very blog. The thing is, you didn't know it... and now you have to figure out which post it was.

The only thing I'm going to tell you is that it was within the last 12 posts, and for your convenience, I've formatted this page to show you all the posts you get to choose from. I'll be revealing the answer later this week.

Good luck!

Central Minnesota Crime Logs

2009-07-06T21:04:00.013-05:00

Holy cow... it's been over 2 years since I've written one of these! This is truly a crime.

St. Cloud is not an innocent town by any means, but if you were to rate it by our newspaper crime logs, you'd think we lived in Mayberry. These are actual crime logs taken verbatim from our local newspaper, the St. Cloud Times. The only things made up are my extended comments in bold.

* * * * *

Suspicious activity was reported at 3:54 p.m. Saturday in the 1500 block of Seventh
Avenue South. A caller said she found two large steak knives stuck in her lawn. She
looked back an hour later and they were gone...
...that's when she found a t-bone-shaped hole in her grass and an empty bottle of A-1.

A suspicious vehicle was reported at 7:50 a.m. Monday in the 1800 block of Whitney Park Drive. A caller said a recreational vehicle was parked in the area and it appeared someone was living inside of it. The vehicle was gone when police arrived...
...most likely because someone was not dead inside of it.

A noise complaint was reported at 12:31 a.m. Saturday in the 700 block of First Avenue North. Officers checked the area and saw a street sweeper leaving the area. No other noises were observed...
...even though they used their special noise-viewing goggles.

A threat was reported at 7:51 p.m. Saturday. A couple was putting up a privacy fence in their yard and a neighbor became angry and began yelling loudly. Officers met with the neighbor to explain to him that if he had a problem, he needed to contact the city before the permit was issued. He was told not to harass the couple anymore...
...and for the sake of human dignity, to let the poor couple finish their fence.

A juvenile problem was reported at 9:55 p.m. Sunday in the 400 block of 2½ Street North. A group of boys were out ringing doorbells. Police checked the area but were unable to find anyone...
...most likely because the game is called ring and run.

A barking dog was reported at 4:50 a.m. Sunday in the 200 block of High Drive. Officers found a dog in the front yard barking and the next day spoke with the owner. She was given a verbal warning...
... and a slap on the nose with a newspaper.

A suspicious person was reported at 1:42 p.m. Monday on Pinecone Road. A caller said a man was laying on the grass by the road. Officers spoke to the man who said he was a salesman and was just taking a nap...
...which surprised the officers since he was selling 5-hour Energy Drink.

A suspicious vehicle was reported at 4:08 a.m. Friday at Riverside Park, 1725 Kilian
Blvd. The vehicle was parked in the park after hours. Officers found a man and woman in the vehicle and "prevented some lewd public activity," according to police reports...
...but not before the man asked if he could have "just a few more seconds."

Suspicious activity was reported at 5:25 p.m. Friday in the 1200 block of 11th Street
Southeast. A caller said she was worried that someone was watching her home and that
there were a lot of people around. Officers increased patrol in the area...
...and also recommended she increase her dosage.

A burglary was reported Friday on 127th Street in Livonia Township. A caller said someone entered his locked garage and took items from it. The items were then placed at the end of his driveway...
...mice are suspected.

AND FINALLY... this last one was just so odd that I hated to waste it on one of my dumb punchlines, so I thought I'd give you a chance to finish it. Please - help me out here.

A complaint was reported at 1:22 a.m. Tuesday on First Street Northeast. A caller said juveniles were putting Saran wrap across the road. Officers talked to them and they apologized for the behavior and went home...

Mr. Know-It-All

2009-07-04T09:12:00.003-05:00

Wow, it's hard to believe this is the 2nd anniversary of my infamous Mr. Know-It-All series.

Of all the things I write about here at the cloud, Mr. Know-It-All is by far the most misunderstood. Perhaps it's the way he thinks outside the box, (or more accurately outside of reality) but people always seem to scratch their heads at this feature. Even still, this has always been one of my favorite things to write and I'm quite certain I'll continue to do it as long as I have a blog.

So then, let's see what people have been asking about this time.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What exactly are we celebrating on July 4th again?
- Spankee Noodle

Dear Spankee Noodle,

We are celebrating our independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain of course. I know... "Independence from what?" you ask. "Great Britain is like the size of Kansas. How powerful could they be?"

What many people don't know, is that Great Britain used to occupy all the countries in the world. Then over time, many of them decided they were tired of fish and chips and scones and, through various means, managed to separate from the British Empire and become their own countries, states and colonies.

No really... unlike most things I write I'm not making this one up. Here is just a partial list of countries who have become "independent" from Great Britain and the United Kingdom over the last few hundred years.

USA - 1776
Canada - 1867
Afghanistan - 1919
South Africa - 1931
Jordan - 1946
Pakistan - 1947
Malaysia - 1957
Nigeria - 1960
Kuwait - 1961
Jamaica - 1962
Kenya - 1963
Barbados - 1966
Bahamas - 1973
Grenada - 1974
Belize - 1981
Antigua - 1981

See what we started? But I say they should have kept Jamaica and the Bahamas. I bet those guys wouldn't have even known the difference. You know what I'm sayin mon?"

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why does the Baby poop just before we need to leave to go somewhere?
- Heather

Dear Heather,
You should consider yourself lucky. She sounds like a smart, considerate little girl to me. I mean, just think how much more convenient it is for you to deal with it at home where you have all your stuff and lots of room. Would you rather she waited until you were halfway through a grocery shopping excursion, and suddenly your produce is covered in blowout? Uh-huh... I thought so.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What is the meaning of life?
- Kris

Dear Kris,
That depends on which "life" you're referring to... Life, Life or Life.

If you're talking about Life magazine, then its meaning is on the cover. Here I am on this month's issue. And you thought I was just some blogger.

If it's Life, the board game, then I'm with you 100%. What IS the meaning of that? I can't tell you how many times we dragged that stupid game out of the closet and attempted to play it. But the idea of having to buy insurance and stocks and end up with a career as a teacher just didn't seem very fun. Especially when you were 6.

On the other hand, there's only one thing to say about the meaning of Life cereal. "He likes it! Hey Mikey!"

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Are you only anti-Monopoly, or are you anti all board games?
- Michelle

Dear Michelle,
You said it right there in your question... I am anti all games that make me bored. But seriously, I used to get frustrated easily as a child. Do you have any idea how many times I sweated my way to the top of Chutes and Ladders, only to hit square number 87 and have my ass sent straight back down to 24?!! And don't even get me started about Candyland.

All I can say is, it's a good thing we didn't have a gun in our house.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Have you ever tried Triopoly?
- meandtheblueskies

Dear meandtheblueskies,
Well, until now I had never even heard of it. But if you're asking if I would enjoy a 3-layer, 3D version of Monopoly? Then uh... NO THANKS! The last time I checked, I didn't have a spare 40 hours to devote to a board game. Besides, where are you supposed to find an honest banker these days anyway?

* * * * *

Well folks, that's it for this installment of Mr. Know-It-All. Make sure to leave your questions in the comments and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.

Until then, have a GREAT holiday weekend!

Dear Children: It wasn't what you think... and no, we will not pay for therapy

2009-06-28T10:29:00.005-05:00

We have a big old ceiling fan in our bedroom... and I mean that literally. It's large and ancient.

Our bedroom was part of an addition to our house in the '70s, and for some reason, the owner decided not to add the heating and air conditioning duct work to it. This doesn't surprise me because based on a few other "shortcuts" I've found, I'm pretty sure it was the owner himself and a bunch of his friends who put the addition on the house.

Anyway, because the bedroom has no forced air, they compensated by adding an electric baseboard heater for when it's cold and a ceiling fan for when it's hot. Unfortunately, like most things that get old over time, this fan has developed a few problems of its own.

For instance, when I put it on low, it "ticks" a "tick tick tick tick" in perfect time, exactly as if I had a metronome clicking over my bed. And for a musician, that's a major problem. Imagine trying to fall asleep, but all you can hear is 20 different songs that fall into the same time as the beat your fan is tapping out. It's the exact same reason we don't have any analog clocks in our house. Do you have any idea how many songs are written to 60 bpm? I know, it's insane!

But that's not the fan's worst problem.

If you put it on high, it wobbles and swings back and forth violently and makes a horrible "thump thump thump" sound like an injured helicopter trying to take flight. It's really rather frightening. In fact, we have actual concerns that if we leave it on high, it will break itself loose from the ceiling and decapitate us in our sleep, leaving two severed heads on our pillows for our kids to find in the morning.

blades of death

So the other night, right as I was drifting off to sleep, Charli decides she's too hot and can't sleep. This of course translates to, "honey... will you turn on the fan?"

Knowing full well that the low speed wasn't going to cut it, I went straight for the high setting and jumped back into bed.

[thump thump thump...]

"NO!" Charli screams at the top of her lungs. "THAT'S TOO FAST!"

[thump thump thump...]

"Shhh... quiet!" I whispered. "The kids are right outside the door in the living room."

[thump thump thump...]

"STOP IT... IT'S GOING TOO FAST! IF THAT THING HITS ME IN THE HEAD IT'S GOING TO KILL ME!"

[thump thump thump...]

"Ok ok... stop yelling! I'll turn it down."

But I'm pretty sure I was too late, because as soon as I turned the fan down I noticed that the TV volume in the other room had been turned up 10-fold, as if to hide unwanted noises coming from a certain parents' bedroom.

Of course I could have just been paranoid, but I still didn't have the guts to stick my head out the door and ask them to turn it down.

The One You Didn't Find

2009-06-26T08:33:00.007-05:00

I kept wondering if anybody would find it.

Of course, nobody does this anymore.

What's that? You have no idea what I am talking about?

It’s the secret additional song on The Receders new CD.

Now, I know you purchased at least three or four copies of it awhile back when I posted the big announcement. Everyone should have several copies. I keep one on my keychain.

The secret additional song can easily be heard if you wait for “Turn It Around” to finish playing and then listen to 5 minutes of silence at nearly full volume.

See how sneaky and technical we are? Of course, it’s a cover song and it has A LOT of cowbell in it. It’s a musical imperative that every secret song have cow bell and we didn’t let you down.

Oh, and did I mention that it’s also a Doo Wop song done in Reggae style? And I’m singing?

Now how could you miss that?

Wordless Wednesday

2009-06-24T20:05:00.002-05:00

Best tasting bands?

2009-06-22T09:08:00.002-05:00

The other day I was rocking out to some Chili Peppers, and for some strange reason (probably because I was hungry) I started thinking about bands that had food items in their names. For example:

Red Hot Chili Peppers
Black Eye Peas
Meatloaf
Pearl Jam
Smashing Pumpkins

This of course immediately caused me to imagine artist names that could easily be twisted into puns.

Why? I dunno, why not? But don't worry about it. I did it and you're stuck with it.

So here are my top 10 tastiest artists:

Oreosmith

Smokey Robinson and the Miracle Whips

The OJ's

Almond Brothers

Collective Sole

M&M

Elvis Parsley

Food Fighters

Mr. Mustard

Linkin Pork

So (you knew this was coming, didn't you)... what about you? I know you can do better than these. What band names can you think of that either already have food in their names, or can be made into puns?

Dear dad, sorry about the car

2009-06-20T08:10:00.014-05:00

By the time I was only 17 I had accumulated enough keyboard and PA gear to fill a small van. Unfortunately the largest vehicle we had at the time was dad's Plymouth station wagon that looked something like this.

I learned that if I placed everything just right, I could squeeze my 2 huge Yamaha speaker cabinets, 1 over-sized rotating Leslie organ speaker, 4 large keyboards and various other accessories into the back of this poor thing. Of course the half ton or so of equipment I crammed into it pretty much caused the rear springs to flatten out, making the car look like a Mexican low rider.

But even after abusing the Plymouth for an entire year and eventually leaving dad with nothing but a broken down shell of its former wagon self, he never complained and simply went about his business of replacing it with something else. And if you ask him, he'll tell you, "Eh... it was just a car, no big deal."

But if you ask me I'll tell you, "It wasn't just a car. This wagon was everything."

To me, dad's quiet acceptance of that vehicular destruction was a strong statement of support for his teenage son's musical aspirations. Technically, if he had decided that I wasn't allowed to use the family truckster as my own personal UHaul, I may not have been able to pursue the musical opportunities I did.

And technically, I may not have gone on the road for 10 years.

And technically, I may not have met my wife in St. Louis.

And technically... well you get the point.

So even though it's 40 years later, I still want to say "Thanks dad." I've never forgotten what that meant to me.

And technically, my kids should be thanking you too.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Happy Father's Day dad. I love you and I'll see you soon.

Happy Birthday to my 5 year old?

2009-06-17T10:35:00.012-05:00

Every year, on our kids' birthdays, we give them a free pass to eat whatever they want for the entire day.

Usually this is an open invitation for them to indulge in foods they would never normally eat at our house... or more accurately, foods we would never buy for them.

And so Austin turned 17 today, and this year is no exception. When we asked him yesterday what he wanted to eat he made this list:

breakfast - chocolate covered crepes
lunch - Space Aliens restaurant
dinner - corn dogs and macaroni and cheese

I imagine the only reason he didn't request a Happy Meal is because they won't sell him one at his age.

yes, he's wearing a knit cap... yes, it's June

winning hundreds of tickets - so he can buy a pencil eraser

So happy birthday, my big giant 17 year old. Maybe after we eat lunch we can go to the petting zoo and feed the little duckies. But we'll need to head home after that because you always get cranky if you don't get your nap.

Band on the run

2009-06-14T10:17:00.003-05:00

Guess what Charli and I did this weekend? We went to not one... not two... but THREE parades!

Why? Because we don't have enough Dubble Bubble, Dum Dums and Toostie Rolls of course. Duh.

Actually, the real reason is because Rosie has joined St. Cloud's All City Marching Band - and as parents we are contractually obligated to attend all parades no matter how far away, how rainy or how long they last. But that's perfectly ok with us because Rosie is a great kid and we are ~~great~~ proud parents.

This band is unique in that it's city-wide, and accepts kids from any school in the area, grades 7-12, whether they have experience or not. For 4 weeks they rehearse like mad until the week before the first parade of the season. Then, the entire band heads out of town to a rural middle school where they spend five days at "spat camp" practicing their marching routine and songs 12 hours a day.

This is the marching band equivalent of military boot camp, and by the time these kids are done they have been transformed into obedient little toy soldiers who can perform a choreographed routine in perfect unison while executing a complex musical score.

Rosie in perfect form

The entire week Rosie was there we only received 2 short phone calls from her. At first we thought she was being inconsiderate by not returning our pleas for daughterly communications, but when we unpacked her bags and saw that she had never even opened any of the Doritos or Oreos we sent as treats, we knew she was simply too busy and/or exhausted to worry about updating us. And every other parent we talked to said the same thing.

On the surface it sounds like a pretty rough ride for these poor kids, but as Rosie has said... "I LOVE IT!"... which also explains why the majority of them end up signing up for the entire 5 year ride. Of course it doesn't hurt that they get to go on cool band trips either. This year, they are headed off to Colorado for a week of sight seeing, amusement parks and white water rafting.

"uh, thanks mom and dad... but feel free to sit down anytime now"

So, if you're ever at a parade in rural MN this summer, look for the littlest kid on the end of the mellophones. Then look for her parents walking along the sidewalk taking pictures and generally embarrassing the crap out of her. That would be us.

Breaking News

2009-06-12T19:36:00.007-05:00

Scientists cloudy over new classification

Not since Pluto was demoted to a space rock has something so controversial shaken up the scientists.

According to sources deep within the esteemed cloud categorization community, this picture, taken by a Cedar Rapids, Iowa office worker, shows what may become the first new cloud type to be recognized by scientists since 1951.

AM - Cedar Rapids, Iowa under dangerously undefined cloud formation

"This is big stuff!" claims Gavin Pretor-Pinney, lead geek at England's Cloud Appreciation Society. "Until now, we've been dealing with 3 types of clouds: cumulus, cirrus and stratus. Can you imagine what would happen if we added a fourth cloud type? It would turn the cloud sciences on its head."

Pretor-Pinney, who is an expert on cloud types, spends his days helping people identify what kinds of clouds are in the sky. "Most people think it's as easy as simply looking up and saying, 'oh, that's a cumulus cloud,' but that's not how it is at all. People confuse stratus and cirrus all the time but I've been trained to tell the difference."

In the meantime, the debate over whether to add a new cloud classification continues, and naming suggestions are pouring in. Pretor-Pinney says that "...tens of people have written in with such noteworthy suggestions as, 'darknscarylus, cunnilingus and getcirrus,' which are all very good. But I think the front runner right now is an entry submitted by a St. Cloud blogger called simply, 'ominous.' It really says it all."

Hmmm, I think I'd rather be awake

2009-06-10T14:34:00.004-05:00

Last night Charli and I were watching TV and a commercial for this popular sleep aid product came on. The ad itself wasn't all that interesting, but we cracked up at this list of frightening side effects.

sleepwalking

eating or driving while not fully awake, with memory loss for the event

abnormal behaviors

confusion, agitation, and hallucinations

worsening of depression

risk of suicide

shortness of breath

swelling of your tongue or throat

drowsiness, dizziness and headache

diarrhea

risk of dependency
may be fatal

Holy crap! You'd have to be a pretty serious insomniac to sign up for that. The funny thing is, I've heard a few tokes off the old doobage works pretty well for insomnia also. But of course that's not an option since it's illegal, because... uh because... oh yeah, it's dangerous.

So anyway, then I went to their web site to read more about it and I saw this picture and became even more frightened.

OH MY GOD... THE PILL THOSE PATIENTS ARE STANDING ON IS HUGE! How in the world could someone be expected to swallow something that big?

But then I saw this disclaimer and my fears were calmed.

My most successful post of all time... the one you probably haven't read

2009-06-08T13:56:00.010-05:00

Every blogger has them...

... certain posts that get tagged by Google as the number one listing for a specific search. Most of us don't plan for this happen, it just does out of pure luck. In fact the ones we try to promote usually fall flat on their faces and go nowhere.

But I get a kick out of the success of my signature post, Secret Motorcycle Hand Greetings: Revealed! In just the last 10 months alone this post has been visited 11,979 times internationally. I don't have statistics that go back any further than that, but I'm guessing that over the last three years it's been seen by about 75,000 people.

And even though I wrote it way back in 2006, it's still receiving comments on a regular basis - which to me is the best part about it. You see, I wrote it as a total tongue-in-cheek spoof on why bikers flash that "secret" left hand wave when they pass by each other on the road, but some people have taken it much more seriously than I intended.

With the onset of historically high gas prices, more people are riding motorcycles and scooters than ever before, and consequently, this story keeps getting referenced over and over again on various web sites, club forums and email chains. And as a result, hundreds of people have stopped by to share their personal motorcycle stories, debate the accuracy of my "findings," post jokes and offer opinions on the the matter.

So if you haven't seen it before, you should check it out. Not because it's such a great piece, but because the comments are an interesting perspective into the motorcycle community and the passion they share for how we should greet each other on the road.

Because if you thought waving to an oncoming motorcyclist was something you just "do" automatically... I think you'll be surprised.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What is your signature post?

Ich habe Deutsche hier

2009-06-06T16:47:00.008-05:00

Until now I've kept a fairly consistent schedule of writing every other day for nearly the last 4 years. But astute readers may notice that I've been a little delinquent in my postiness lately, and I thought rather than just stay hidden without explanation, I'd pop my head up and give you an update - just so you didn't get worried and send Jack Malone out looking for me. Unless you sent Sam Spade instead. Then I suppose it'd be ok.

So what's up?

I have Germans here

No kidding. St. Cloud has partnered with a quaint little town in southern Bavaria called Spalt, an area where most of this region's ancestors hail from, and our two communities have claimed each other as "sister cities." What this means is that every other year or so, people from Spalt come here to visit and the following year we go there.

Normally, a few dozen folks make the journey, but this year, the Spalt Stadtkapelle Municipal Band came along to bring the total delegation up to 75 people! That meant that St. Cloud needed a boatload of people to help house everyone, and we were lucky enough to get 3 wonderful brothers who are also part of their band.

l to r: Stefan, Benedikt and Frank

The band has been around for over 400 years and it shows. They practice every single week and take their music very seriously. Every note is perfectly played and you can sense the pride the members have in their music and their representation of Spalt.

Over the last week we've had a total blast showing them the sites of Minnesota, immersing them in "American" activities and exploring our cultural differences and similarities. We couldn't have ended up with better guests and all of us have bonded very closely with these guys. It's going to be sad to say goodbye on Tuesday.

So that's what I've been up to lately. In a few days I'll be opening up Virus Stompers for business, and I'm hopeful that you'll all help me promote it. I'm thankfully still employed and our company is hanging in there, so hopefully we'll pull through.

In the meantime, please don't forget about me. I should be back online on a regular basis very soon!

More ways you can help

2009-05-26T19:20:00.006-05:00

Today is the official release day of The Receders new album One Night Stand on both

and

Please feel free to buy millions of these. I would appreciate that. Thank you.

Thank you! I'll TAKE that help

2009-05-22T21:23:00.000-05:00

Wow... you guys are all kinds of awesome.

THANK YOU for all your outpouring of support over my impending doom. People have offered to help both in the comments and in private emails, and I'm totally blown away. Don't ever let anyone tell you that the friendships gained through blogging aren't real. This is as real as it gets folks. So yeah, thank you again. Just having everyone offer to help makes me feel better already.

The business my son Brandon and I have started is called Virus Stompers (soon to be available at www.virusstompers.com). We are providing a complete virus removal service for a single flat fee of only $50. Most other companies charge $100 - $150 for this same service. Brandon has been doing this professionally at a local computer shop for a few years now and has all the skills necessary to clean up any mess. The only thing he's concerned about is cleaning up the messes I make.

Virus Stompers will operate under the principle that we will attract more business through a low cost offering. And, because 90% of virus removal is simply scanning and waiting, we can multitask several computers at once.

Here are the 3 main ways we will operate:

1. Remotely, using fancy schmancy software that allows us to control your computer from our office
If that isn't possible, then...

2. You mail us your hard drive
If you aren't able to remove it yourself then...

3. You mail us your laptop or desktop
(In the last 2 cases, the customer pays shipping costs both ways)

Now, here's how you can help...

We already own the virusstompers.com domain, but we still need a logo and a web design.

Ok, I know the web design is a tall order, but just in case... I'll take help if someone can provide it. I'm good with all the html updates and modifications etc, it's just the page design I lack creativity in.

The logo however is something I'm guessing many of you can help with. I'm looking for a professionally designed graphic/logo for Virus Stompers. I'm not going to influence your ideas by suggesting one, but based on how I've described the business, I'd like you to design your own.

If any of you can help with either of these things I will gladly pay you a small stipend and give you full credit on the website. I'd love to be able to offer more but based on my recent salary reduction and the fact that we're trying to accumulate an emergency fund, I just don't have it. Hence the "me asking you for help" thing.

Please contact me at my email address on my sidebar if you can help.

Thanks again everyone. I just want to tell you again how much I appreciate your recent comments. They really mean a lot. Oh, and btw... even though we don't have our shingle up yet, we actually are open for business. So if anybody needs their computers cleaned up just let me know!

My unfunniest post yet

2009-05-20T15:53:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how uninspiring a potential job loss can be.

Right now my company is running on fumes, and just the other day our president implied that if things don't turn around soon, we could be out of business by the end of summer. Gulp.

So currently I'm in the process of gathering and weighing my options... which don't weigh very much by the way. But being as how I've accumulated a grab bag of various skills over the last 20 years I do have some alternatives at my disposal - but certainly nothing that is guaranteed to be career sustaining.

Over the next few weeks though I will be asking for your help. Don't worry, I won't be begging for donations (yet), but more along the lines of helping to spread the word about a few things I'll be promoting. For example, my son and I will be starting a web-based service that will need some traffic attention to help boost it in the Google ranking. Stuff like that.

So if you're wondering why there hasn't been anything fun to read around here lately - this is why. I'm sure that once I have things figured out I'll get my blogging mojo back, but right now I'm a bit too distracted to produce anything clever.

So please bear with me as I get my ducks in a row, because this could take awhile. I mean, come on... you know how hard it is to get ducks in a row.

It's a bit drafty in here - Volume III

2009-05-14T21:48:00.012-05:00

Huh, 4:30 is an odd time to wake up. It's like the club foot of wake up times.

[The first thing I thought when I woke up to go to the bathroom last night. Don't ask, I have no idea what it means.]

Well then, now that I've gotten that out of the way. Here are some additional disjointed thoughts that have been hanging around my "draft" folder. These are things that don't quite qualify for a post of their own - but still need to be said.

* * * * *

Here's something that will drive your kids insane. This audio test will emit a super high frequency that most adults (me and my wife included) will not be able to hear. However, if I play this any time without warning in the vicinity of my kids, all 3 of them will scream at me to turn it off. Go ahead and try it... it's fun!

Created by Train Horns

* * * * *

The other day, while watching my daughter rehearse for the St. Cloud All-City Marching Band, I was reminded of this clip. You younger bloggers should watch this if you've never seen it before... because it's classic.

And speaking of classics, just curious... did anyone else in the world have this album besides us?

For whatever reason, when we were kids we used to huddle around the phonograph and play this stupid record over and over and over. Something about the Cartwright boys trying to sing really made us chuckle.

* * * * *

And finally... here are a few things that have happened to me lately.

I went to a tanning salon the other day and all they did was put me on a stretcher and scrape me with metal implements until my skin turned leathery.

I broke one of my chess pieces. Turns out pawn shops neither repair nor sell pawns.

I like to buy books at garage sales and then go to the library and put them where they belong on the shelves. It totally screws up the check-out people.

Mr. Know-It-All

2009-05-12T08:30:00.038-05:00

Here we go again folks!

On our last round, Mr. KIA had so many questions I had to split them into 2 parts... but I'm happy to announce I have finally finished Part II!

Let's get right to it, shall we?

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why do my balls smell?
- Father Muskrat

Dear Father Muskrat,
You make it sound like odor-emitting balls are a bad thing. This could not be further from the truth. In fact, smelly balls are popular with consumers everywhere. Why, just take a look at some of these other excellent examples of smelly balls (click images for more information):

Dryer Balls - Yes, this pair of bumpy blue balls can be found hanging out where it gets hot.

aRoma Ball - According to their web site...
With each squeeze, this pure aromatherapy ball will relieve your stress and lift your spirits.
Really? I'm thinking Mr. Whipple said it best... Please don't squeeze the balls.

Bag Balls - Nothing says "I NEED BALLS" like a stinky hockey bag. Apparently these come in 4 scents...Burst, Cher-Ber, Ocean, and Blast. Anyone care to take a stab at what the hell those flavors are?

Scent Innovations Scent Ball - Again, directly from their web site...
Upon impact it dispenses the scent on the ground allowing you to enter a remote location without actually walking to the area giving you an advantage over your prey.
Yeah, but seriously... wouldn't that make a mess on the dance floor?

Aroma Land Scent Ball - Along the lines of the Glade Puke-ins, you plug these babies into your electric outlet so they can emit air-freshening ball scent. Oh, how have I ever managed without these.

So Father Muskrat, you can see smelly balls are actually very popular. Now, I suggest if you have a pair of your own you should quit complaining and get out there and market those suckers!

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Is the answer really blowing in the wind? And if it is, what does that say about your knowing it? Why is love a battlefield? And why are there so many casualties?
- Cathouse Teri

Dear Cathouse Teri,
My my aren't we the curious cat? Unfortunately for you, I got hung up on the Blowin' In The Wind lyric, "Yes, and how many ears must one man have, before he can hear people cry?" and became so intriged by this idea I wasn't able to answer the rest of your questions. You can see why.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How do I get my sister to stop taking my clothes?!
- Sarah

Dear Sarah,
This is a fairly easy question to answer... depending on how extreme you're willing to get. For instance, here are a few things you can do to prevent the unwanted borrowing of your clothes:
- don't wear any
- cover them in wood ticks
- poop in them
- gain 200 pounds
- lose 200 pounds
- cut them up into tiny pieces
- wear stuff like this

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
If you had Boardwalk and I had Park Place, who would get the bigger share?
- Roger

Dear Roger,
You would...because I can't stand Monopoly. Therefore, I would most likely get so bored and/or frustrated from being in last place that I would eventually flip the gameboard upside down sending all the money, irons and race car pieces flying everywhere while screaming "Monopoly sucks!" and storming out of the room.

Not that that ever happened of course.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How can I get a cheap ticket to Australia so I can get me some over the counter codeine?
- Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,
Not a problem. Here ya go...

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
When will my kids get better taste in movies?
- April

Dear April,
When you stop taking them to anything with Nicolas Cage, Keanu Reeves or Kevin Costner in it.

* * * * *

Well everyone, that concludes our latest batch of questions for Mr. Know-It-All. If you'd like to have your questions answered here you need to leave a question in the comments.

Until then, see you next time!

See me be VE

2009-05-08T08:51:00.006-05:00

Good friend and long-time blogging cohort VE just returned from a Caribbean honeymoon cruise where he spent 8 days browning himself aboard a floating funfest while sipping fruity umbrella drinks and feasting on all-you-can-eat everythings 24 hours a day.

Ok, so I hate him. Done.

But I do admire his evil side.

A few weeks before he left he secretly asked 5 of us if we would pose as VE imposters on his blog while he was gone, in a clandestine experiment to see if anyone would notice. We even had to reply to his comments as if we were he... er, VE.

Well, I'm pleased to report that I think we succeeded. As far as I can tell from the responses to his followup post here, we fooled nearly all of his ~~fools~~ readers.

So hop on over here to see my imposter post. If you close one eye, you won't even be able to tell the difference.

In fact, my ruse was so convincing, that in an email to me the other day VE wrote this:

Well the stats are in and you got an A+ with your 54 comments on your imposter blog post. My gauge of success was two fold. 1. Could you fool them 2. Would you break the 40 comment threshold. The 40 comment threshold is my barometer to success. I hadn’t dipped below 40 comments since early Feb prior to my departing and your 54 was a very strong turnout. As such, you get 10 extra reader points on my blog tally. Congrats!

Well then, whatta ya know... sounds like I'm even better at being VE than he!

Wanted: Your Marketing Genius

2009-05-06T08:40:00.001-05:00

Ever have one of those good news/bad news kind of days? Yesterday was one of those for me.

Good news: I still have a job
Bad news: Our company is struggling and we are all taking a fairly healthy pay cut

I know, this sucks big time. But as they say... it beats the alternative.

So, in an effort to recoup my lost salary, I've decided to try to leverage some of the natural skills I already have and see if I can make a little extra cabbage on the side.

Here are some of my options:
1. Street performer. I'm an experienced musician. There's no reason I can't set up a stool on the sidewalk and set a hat by my feet. I've heard these guys can make $200 on a good day. Especially if they perform outside of a busy event.

2. Blogger for profit. Why not put ads on my blog? Other people are doing it and making pennies per day! Or, why not write for 6 or 7 blogs at a time? Other people are doing that too and only spending 23 hours at their computers.

3. Stand up comic. I'm a pretty funny guy. At least in my mind. How hard could it be to cobble 20 minutes of clever stuff together, start performing in tiny little no-name clubs, get local attention and graduate to being the 3rd opening act for a headliner in Minneapolis, work my way up to being a regional success, go on the road around the midwest, finally get noticed by a major venue, become famous and make it big?

4. Maker of handcrafted yard accessories. Ok, if you haven't figured it out by now, I was being facetious about those last 3 options. But this one I'm actually serious about - and here's where I need your input.

As many of you long-term readers know, I enjoy building things for our house and yard. Over the years I've made a few things that people have told me I should sell. Here are some examples:

garden bench - cute daughter not included

potting bench - complete with hidden soil bin and running water in sink

available with or without swing - perfect for arbor day!

What I need from you are some suggestions on what to name my new business. I've come up with a few myself but there just seems to be something a bit off about the names.

I don't know, you tell me...
See what I mean? Not exactly the image I want to portray.

Considering I'll be selling these pieces at local garden centers on a made-to-order basis, I'd like the public to think my business is classy and professional, and that these items are high quality and something they can't live without.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure you can do better. In fact... go ahead and submit your entries and if I choose one of yours I'll send you a free Receders CD!

Good luck... and thanks!

Ticked Off... the deep end

2009-05-04T11:17:00.005-05:00

WTF?

A few weeks ago Austin went to a bonfire down by the river with some of his friends. Later after they got home, they pulled a collective 12 wood ticks off their bodies. Uck!

What the hell was the big guy thinking?

I can't fricken stand ticks. They're nothing but tiny little 8-legged vampires that lurk around on your body until they can find a dark warm spot, so they can stab you with their incisors and suck your blood until they swell up so big they can't hold on any longer. {{{shiver}}}

Just burn it

Anyway, my kid had a bunch of wood ticks on him, so what. It's not my problem right? Right. Except for the fact that he was driving MY car that night, which of course suggests that if they had 12 wood ticks on their bodies after getting out of the car... means there must be, what... 10,000 more inside the car?

What the holy hell?!

But wait... ticks don't last very long if they're not on a host (yes, that's us) you say? Wrong again. According to this reliable source, some ticks can live up to 2 years without food.

That's odd, he seems so normal otherwise

Ok, so now I'm totally paranoid that every time I drive my car I'm being violated by ninja zombie blood-sucking beasts. In fact, I can no longer go 5 minutes without feeling something crawling around under my clothes.

True story, the other day I was sitting at my desk at work and I know there was a tick strolling around on my inner thigh. I freaked out so badly that I actually ran into the bathroom, unbuckled my belt and dropped my pants so fast you would have thought they were on fire. Of course when a careful examination of my legs (and yes, everywhere else I thought it might have hidden) revealed no such creature, I still went the extra mile to take off my shoes, pull off my pants and turn them inside out on the belief that he was clinging to an inner seam. This folks, is exactly how insane these things have made me.

Sanity is overrated anyway

And now the final straw... this morning as I was waking up and my eyes were slowly beginning to focus, I noticed a little black speck on the sheet, a mere 6 inches away from my face. "Hmm, that's odd," I thought. "What is that, and HOLY CRAP WHY IS IT MOVING!!!"

Yes you guessed right. It was indeed a tick. And now, my friends, I have officially lost my mind. According to my brain-damaged imagination, right now my entire body is a wood tick convention. They are in my hair, under my clothes and inside my... uh, never mind.

So if you notice that my subsequent posts seem a little confusing, this is why. I am now officially insane.

In fact, this may very well be the last coherent thing you see me write, because from this point forward I'll be sitting in the corner, rocking back and forth and sucking my thumb while I mumble out loud.

Next Up: My Conversations With a Guinea Pig

On The Road - The Journey

2009-05-02T19:29:00.000-05:00

...continued from On The Road - My First Tour...

As we left young Jeffrey he was about to embark on a country-wide trip in a tiny Toyota pulling a huge trailer.

Like I said... what could possibly go wrong?"

Fortunately, I was smart enough to have captured this adventure in my trusty journal (of "Dear Diary" fame) so I don't have to try to remember how this little trip played out some 25 years later. Here are some excerpts of the experience:

[The day before]
It was weird too - leaving everything just like that. When I left work I didn't tell everyone what I was doing so when I went that night for the last time I said "goodbye" like I'd be back tomorrow and just about everyone said "goodbye" the same way. It was funny. All my immediate close friends knew but everyone else I knew had no idea what was going on.

[Day 1]
So - on Fri morn, I got into my car and drove into the sunrise for the opportunity of my life.

Well, I must say that pulling a 5' x 8' trailer that's 3' higher and just about as heavy as my car was no barrel of fun. Especially since my car has a 4 cylinder engine with a 5 speed manual transmission. This meant I could never go faster than 50 mph (unless I was going down hill with a tailwind).

I got to Iron River Wis, about an hour from Ironwood when I ran into ice and a snowstorm - so bad I couldn't go over 35 mph. And someone told me it was worse on the U.P. so I had no choice but to turn down toward Madison and head for Chicago.

[Day 2]
The next day was a real bitch. I headed for Chicago into strong headwinds which were really slowing me up bad. When In finally got there I had to take the Kennedy Expressway and the Chicago Skyway - both which had about 2 million cars on them at once, and there's me towing an oversized trailer with a little yellow Toyota going 40 mph. Real fun.

6:00 p.m. - I'm driving on the Ind. Tollway or the "Mainstreet of the Midwest" as they call it (I 80-90) and I noticed my engine was steaming so I pulled over and looked at it. Well, my heater hose had rubbed against my manifold and burned through causing my radiator fluid to drain out. So here I was on this major highway at supper time with a hundred trucks a second passing me up, I had my trunk open, my flashers on, a handkerchief tied to my antenna and a worried look on my face - no problem right? I figured there would either be a cop or tow truck there within 20 minutes to get me off the freeway with all the CB's and everything.

I sat in my car for two hours freezing my butt off until I couldn't stand it anymore. In 2 hours not one cop came by and no one stopped. So I got out and started walking towards a light I saw at a distant farmhouse (it was dark by then) but I got about a block away when a truck stopped to give me a lift.

He told me a cop had passed him up only 5 minutes earlier and had to have come by me - boy was I pissed then.

[Day 3]
The next morning I started out again, driven by pure, raw excitement wondering about what could possibly be in store for me in this little town in Pennsylvania. All I could do was imagine. Was it going to be totally in vain or was I going to make lots of money and become a star? Well, I drove through Ohio that day and crossed the PA border that afternoon. It was then when I called the "studio" to inform them I would be there later on that night. But what I didn't know was, that Pennsylvania was going to be an uphill battle the whole way, literally.

For the next 10 hours or so I climbed and climbed. Lots of neat things happened at this time. One, I slowed down to a snail's pace burning out my 3rd gear and clutch to keep going. Two, there just happened to be "road construction" on this mountain so what does that mean? That means that only 1 lane was open causing traffic to back up behind me as far as I could see in my mirror. Not only for short stretches either but for 5 mile intervals, every 15 miles all day, it was terrible. And to top it off - there was a rainstorm and fog so thick you couldn't see the side of the road.

All good things must come to an end as they say and I finally pulled into Hazelton PA, my destination - almost. I still had to get to the studio.

Next Up: The Studio

Unbelievable

2009-04-27T09:09:00.014-05:00

Right now that seems to be the only word I can find to describe Saturday night.

Imagine stepping out onto a stage of a sold-out theater and having the entire place erupt into screaming applause.

That's exactly what happened... and how it continued for the next 3 hours as well.

I don't even have words to describe how incredible Saturday night was... except to say it was everything I hoped it would be - plus 10x more.

This picture is from later on in the show when the crowd could no longer contain themselves to their seats and decided to create an impromptu dance floor directly in front of the stage. This is the only available photo I have of the concert at this time. Better pics are coming from the newspaper photographer in a few days.

Our show was also videotaped, so I should have footage to share in a few weeks as well - and hopefully you'll be able to witness what I seem incapable of describing.

Now... time to start thinking about stepping down from cloud 9 and facing the real world again.

*sigh*

On with the show this is it!

2009-04-24T08:38:00.014-05:00

*** UPDATE ***

The webcast I mentioned at the bottom of this post will NOT be broadcast live tonight. It is being recorded tonight but will be broadcast sometime in the near future. You can be assured that I will post a link when that happens.

So, those of you on the other side of the globe can now go to bed at your usual bedtime.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Holy crap... our concert is tomorrow night!

This show is going to be a blast, there's no other way to put it.

I haven't been this excited about something since I was five and waiting for my birthday. In fact, I clearly remember putting a giant calendar up on my wall and marking off the days with big Xs. I remember it so clearly because I did it last month.

Anyway, the CD is out, the band is ready and the keyboard player is psyched. Just about everyone we know is going to be there. Can you tell I'm hyped? Is that fact that I woke up at 3:30 this morning and didn't fall back asleep again any indication?

In related news... THANK YOU to all of you who are buying our CD on our web site and those of you who are posting my widget on your blogs. We've actually sold quite a few so far! Watch for yours to arrive next week. I'll be mailing out the first batch out this afternoon.

Speaking of CDs... the local music reviewer wrote this in our paper yesterday as well.

With the exception of the fact that he didn't single me out as the single most talented musician he's ever heard, I'd say it's not too shabby.

Finally... BREAKING NEWS! I just found out this same paper is testing a new webcasting software and have asked if we would like to have our concert broadcast tomorrow night on their web site! So if everything works out you can watch us live from the comfort of your own home. How cool is that? Check back here tomorrow and if it's a go I'll update this post with the link to the broadcast.

Now, please excuse me while I go pace back and forth for the next 30 hours or so.

I so don't have the patience for this.