Conservatives for American Values

George W. Bush "Elite Force Aviator"

2006-12-08T18:28:00.000-05:00

Christmas time is here again, readers, and this year the selection of toys to give your children is better than ever.

It is important to only give your little ones toys that are pleasing in the eyes of the Lord, and we at Conservatives for American Values will help you make the right choices. God will be judging you based on your Jesus-Day decisions, so choose well. The toy below is sure to make God happy, and also should please your children.

The George W. Bush “Elite Force Aviator” twelve inch action figure is my favorite toy this Christmas-Holy-Jesus-Day.

Imagine the delight on your child’s face as they imagine their beloved President making a perfect landing on the pitching deck of an aircraft carrier. We all know that President “Splash One Bandit” Bush is a real American fighting man, but sometimes this is a hard concept to get across to our children. It may surprise you to know that your kids have no idea that our brave President made not one, not two, but seven bombing runs on Iraqi targets before making that feather-perfect landing on the USS Abraham Lincoln. As we all remember, President Bush then informed the world that the fight in Iraq was over, and that he had accomplished the mission.

After taking off from the carrier, he then attacked three more targets, this time striking the terrorists that instantly, and unexpectedly, sprung up in the wake of his victory declaration.

With his F-15 badly damaged and burning furiously our Brave Bush ditched his aircraft into the Persian Gulf, just to see what it was like to cut-and-run. He vowed never to cut and run again. Since that day our Unwavering Commander has spent every free moment personally fighting the terrorists in Iraq. Some foolish liberals think that when our President takes a vacation, he is actually going to relax. Not so, as we good conservatives know.

President “I am Gonna Kill Em All, Laura” Bush never rests, and he never will until the last terrorist in

Iraq

is dead at his rough and manly hands.

Your child needs to know that someone out there is keeping them safe. I know, it took me almost a week to calm my children down after they found out that Democrats are going to control Congress. Our kids need a hero, and George W. Bush is that man. I imagine they will come out with an entire line of George W. Bush action figures, and I cannot wait to give them to my children, even the girls. I hope to see these ones in the near future:

George W. Bush, Navy Seal: This toy would come with a little piece of rope that your offspring could use to silently garrote a “Jihad Joe” terrorist action figure, or a Barbie who got a little bit too lippy, and tipped of some Jihadist to Bush’s mission.

George W. Bush, Green Beret Sniper: Envision your child’s delight when he imagines being the spotter for our Most Accurate President when he drops a terrorist, or at least someone with a turban, from 2,000 yards out. Press the button on the back of the toy, and your child will get a greeting from the President himself. My favorite is “You gotta kill em, there, kid, or they will kill you when you go try to go poo-poo here.”

George W. Bush, S.W.A.T. Officer: Your eyes will well up with parental pride when you hear your son yelling “Get on the ground, Mohammed, or whatever, you twitch, you die, terrorist scumbag!!!” Your child will spend hours and hours with George, kicking down doors, and shoving the optional “Terror-Toy Muslim Family” figures into the S.W.A.T. van and taking them off to Guantanamo.

Our Great Leader has been keeping

America

safe since

Vietnam

, when he defended the skies of the Great American South from a planned Viet Cong incursion. Let George W. Bush help you have a Merry Christmas this year, and let him defend your children’s bedrooms from the “imaginary” Muslims lurking in the closet.

Moral Mailbox: Onan's Fleshy Pistol

2006-12-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up feeling especially brave, so I’ve decided to sift through some of your inane email messages and respond to a moral query posed to the moral mailbox. I settled on this one:

I have a horrible confession to make and I therefore seek your infinite wisdom and moral genius. I have never touched myself in my entire life but the other day I woke up to find that I had somehow managed to spill my seed in my sleep. - “Mike”

First of all, Mike, let me say that while I’m not a doctor I do know that the event you recount in your email is physiologically impossible. Forgive me if I have trouble believing your far-fetched little story about ejaculating in your sleep. As you know, God is completely aware that such an occurrence is nothing less than the wasting of millions of potential lives. Why would He in His infinite wisdom make this a natural function of your body? I for one know that my body doesn’t work that way. Granted, your story is both disgusting and compelling, but frankly it just does not add up.

Now I think it’s important that we move past the obvious fabrications found in your email and get to the real heart of the matter. In order to do this, I’m going to replace the phrase “in my sleep” above with “while on my couch in the middle of the afternoon covered in sweat, Doritos crumbs, and shame.” I think this correction will serve to make it clear to everyone that you’ve willingly and repeatedly committed the sin of Onan and that’s what we’re really talking about isn’t it, Mike?

But then the question becomes is this really a sin? And my answer in turn becomes, why would you ask me something so incredibly stupid? Of course it is and you need to look no further than the Good Book to confirm that I am right:

And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also. (Gen 38:8-10)

Instead of just marrying his dead brother’s wife and engaging in procreative sex, Onan used the pull-out method and thereby let millions of potential lives fall upon the floor. This left God no choice but to dole out a severe smiting to Onan as He had to his brother before. So remember, Mike, that every time you take yourself into your own hands, you’re playing a dangerous game of Russian roulette with your fleshy pistol. Your next time could well be your last.

Allow me to break this down even further for you: Onan’s couitus interruptus = masturbation = angry God = dead Mike. Got it?

What it boils down to, is that every time you engage in self-love, you’re disrespecting and assaulting your body. Like any good parent, God gets pretty angry with anyone who assaults one of his children. On the other hand, you should know that every time you commit this heinous act, that God is much more reluctant to claim paternity. Once you’ve sinned to the point that you become nobody in the eyes of the Lord then this will make your self-gratification a completely victimless crime. So if getting off is more important to you than getting into Heaven just keep it up, Mike. God will eventually lose interest in you and your disgusting little acts; that is if He doesn’t destroy you first.

God’s Top Three Pet Peeves

2006-12-01T20:34:00.000-05:00

The Good Lord Our Holy God is really getting annoyed with most of you.

Some of you Godless unbelievers seem to think that the Lord will be infinitely patient with your constant sinning. This is not the case, I assure you. My God is not the forgiving and cuddly God of Vengeance that you heard about the last time you were in church, back when you thought White Snake was cool. There are, at a minimum, three sins that you must avoid at all costs.

One: Sex that you enjoy.

If you have a sexual experience, and you enjoy it, you are going to Hell. Sex is only, ever, for the production of offspring. God said that we should go forth and multiply, unto the ends of the Earth. God did not say that we should go forth and enjoy having sex while multiplying. Any sexual release, other than the male orgasm, is considered by God to be even worse than killing hobos for sport, which is highly frowned upon. Married couples should not enjoy sex, because that is not what God intended. I am not often so frank with you, readers, but you need to understand this message. The worst, most evil, part of a woman’s body is the clitoris. I happen to refer to it as “The Devil’s Easy Button”. Any contact with the clitoris, by either person in the sex-act, will cause God to turn his back on you forever. Clitoral stimulation also leads to genetic birth defects in the Satan-spawn that may be born through such tainted love-making.

Two: Supporting the Liberal Agenda of Satan.

This major pet-peeve of God is harder to define than the intercourse issue. Satan’s agenda comes in many forms, and you can only rely on Michael and myself to guide your path. First, as I hope you know by now, anyone who is not a life-long God Fearing Republican is an agent of the Dark Lord. I do not mean Voldemort, you idiotic heathens. Try to put aside your carnal lust for Harry Potter for a moment, could you? The only book you need is The Holy Bible. The Bible, when properly read, states that it is harder for a liberal to pass in to heaven than it is for a drunken young girl to live through an encounter with Ted Kennedy. That is pretty difficult, since Ted Kennedy is to nubile, inebriated females what black holes are to light and matter. Remember, anything that is not suggested to you by the far-right-reaches of the G.O.P. is a Satanist plot, and even considering these ideas will damn you to the deepest reaches of the fire-filled-pit of demonized Democrats.

Three: Selling your Lord for the modern equivalent of thirty pieces of silver.

So, are you a little short on money this winter? First, stop being a lazy and worthless simpleton, and get a better job. If that fails, though, and you still need to heat the house, there is an option. Citgo is offering heating oil for 40% off this winter. There is only one problem with this oil: It is the lubrication that Satan will use to sodomize you in Hell. The Satan-worshipping president of Venezuela (The “Sunny, Beautiful Hell” of South America) Hugo Chavez, is selling oil to Citgo at this bargain basement price because the Devil himself demanded it. Do you really want to heat your home with the putrefied souls of the damned? This “cheap” oil is laced with chemicals that cause terrible illness in humans, but help to moisturize and refresh the skin of demons. I for one prefer to heat my home with full priced oil, which is a gift from God Himself to mankind, and will last forever and ever. Joe Kennedy, notorious henchman of the President of Hell and longtime Democrat, is the mouthpiece for this Satanic attack on your home. If you would not let lice-ridden Gypsies inside to steal your children, don’t let Joe Kennedy sell you oil that will give your children cancer, homosexuality, AIDS and venereal disease.

My message is a simple one: If you cross the line, God will not welcome you back into the fold. It does not matter if you are an “innocent” child, or a withered, tube-riddled old bag of flesh. God does not love you by default. You must work each and every day not to cross God. If you sin, you burn, and that is the gospel truth. Jesus loves me, this I know, but how sure are you?

Why Am I Thankful This Year?

2006-11-23T14:10:00.000-05:00

What exactly, dear readers, do I have to be thankful for this year? This isn’t a rhetorical question; I’m honestly asking you if you can come up with anything I should express thanks for at my dinner table this evening. We now have a Congress controlled by liberals and the train that is this nation has had an abrupt and last minute schedule change. All aboard! Next stop: imminent death at the hand of Islamofacists. Don’t forget to pick up the remains of your loved ones before you exit the train.

This Thanksgiving, grateful doesn’t exactly describe how I feel.

I guess I could sit in front of my family and tell them that we should all look at this as a chance to bridge the great ideological chasm in this country. We should be thankful, kids, that we have all been given this golden opportunity to stop the partisan bickering and begin to mend the deep wounds we all carry. This election loss is actually a good thing. But for some reason, I just can’t bring myself to lie to my children like that.

I know that a slew of new politically moderate candidates have been elected to represent us. Some would take this as a clear sign that the American public is sick of this kind of partisanship. They want Republicans and Democrats to reach across the aisle and start working together. This incorrectly assumes though that there’s any common ground between the members of God’s Party and the liberals who actively work to destroy America. I assure you that there absolutely isn’t.

If you don’t believe that we conservatives are fundamentally different from liberals then just consider how a typical liberal “family” will celebrate Thanksgiving today. Things will start out normal for them, with a table filled with food and smiling people eagerly eyeing this feast. Obviously nobody will say grace because liberals would sooner die than thank God for anything. They might express thanks for being able to pick up their free range hormone-free turkey along with the organic fair trade yams at their local Hippie-Mart but the Lord’s name certainly wouldn’t be uttered by anyone at this table.

The evening would begin with some light-hearted banter and innocent table conversation. There would obviously be a bit of confusion over which of Timmy’s five gay dads would carve up the turkey. A symbolic place of honor would be set at the front of the table for whatever terrorist leader is popular among liberals at the time.

It wouldn’t take too long for this lovely dinner to devolve into a turkey filled hedonistic orgy. Since this is a family blog I will spare you the despicable details of a writhing pile of naked liberals covered in turkey juices and smeared with mashed potatoes. I certainly won’t tell you what happens as soon as they break out the cranberry sauce flavored lube. The whole thing makes me sick.

So the lesson we should take from this year’s election is not that we need to unite our two incredibly disparate political ideologies, but that we that we need to work harder at destroying the ideology that’s fatally flawed (hint: Liberalism). We need to recruit real conservatives, Michael Gregory Steele conservatives to win back our country from the Democrat’s evil grasp.

This Thanksgiving I think my family can give thanks for that. We are actually presented with a once in a lifetime opportunity here. We can select conservatives so strong and so ideologically pure that they will destroy liberalism for good. It is with this thought in mind that I will sit down, break bread, and be genuinely thankful to be an American.

Moral Mailbox: Do I Deserve to Live?

2006-11-15T23:31:00.000-05:00

We received this very disturbing letter in the Moral Mailbox yesterday, and I felt that it deserved an immediate response. Some things, such as possible homosexual tendencies, cannot be ignored in good conscience.

“Dear Moral mailbox: I shed a tear when I saw that Rick Santorum was going to have the election stolen from him. I have always thought of myself as a manly-man, but I realized that I would miss Rick's smile. Does this make me gay? Do I deserve to live? Does thinking I might be gay make me a liberal? Am I going to Hell?

-Billy in Altoona, Pennsylvania”

Well, Billy, it seems like you have a real situation on your hands here. Let me get one thing clear right off the bat: Yes, you are gay. You “would miss” another man’s smile, and that means that you would like to engage in oil-washed intercourse with that man. I am guessing that wanting to have sex with another male makes you gay, right, that is still the definition in this politically correct world? Tell me, when you look at a picture of Rick Santorum, who I will admit is rather handsome, in a man way, do you simply see him as a sexual object for your gratification? I have no doubt that you do.

As for the next part of your letter, concerning whether or not you deserve to live, I think that Jesus would be the best one to answer that. I might be biased.

I am not saying that you should end your life, since that would be wrong, but your fate is already sealed. Why make God wait to judge you. I am sure he would rather get on with things than wait around for a man-luster like you, Billy boy. Jesus will give you his answer when you get to His door, Billy, and I would not keep Jesus waiting if I were you. Your chances are already dim.

No, Billy, I do not think that being gay makes you a liberal. I, personally, am convinced that being liberal will make you gay.

Liberals are all gays, and all gays are liberals. There is no way to avoid this fact. Most liberals are, of course, in the closet about their sexual preferences, and probably always will be. This is, through some act of Satan, how liberals manage to reproduce and keep their species going. Liberals are the only animal on Earth whose very procreation is based on lies and deceit. If a person is born of lies, of course he will choose the political party of liars, drug users, sodomites, pedophiles, and Nancy Pelosi.

Billy, it is not all your fault that you are a closet liberal. Chances are that your parents are, too. You should be happy, at least, that your mother and father got past their feelings for people of the same sex, and created you.

Of course, you should be less than happy that they lied to you, and told you that you were born conservative. Politics is not a lifestyle choice, young man, it is something you are born with. Liberals are a lesser animal, somewhat like a chimpanzee, or maybe a maggot. It is not your fault that you were born a liberal. Actually, it might be good news for you.

Recent research has shown that liberals may be born without souls, Billy, so you might not be going to Hell after all. You need a soul to enter Heaven, or Hell, so you might not go anywhere. In the meanwhile, I still think liberals are going to Hell, the thought just makes me happy. Have hope, Billy, you might just disappear into nothingness, much like your party-of-birth will be doing soon.

Thank You, Liberals.

2006-11-10T14:46:00.000-05:00

This is all your fault, you miserable liberals. You have put

America

on a very dangerous path with all of your recent interest in voting.

We Republicans know that all is not lost for us, and we will do fine. You Democrats follow fads like mice follow cheese, and soon the fad of voting will be over with. Soon you will all forget about having your voices heard, and go back to watching gays on television making houses look like homosexual sodomy nests. I am not sure that you understand how much danger you have put all of us in, though, in the meanwhile.

I cannot blame Donald Rumsfeld for stepping down. He, even though he is one of the toughest men on Earth, probably does not want to get blown to little bits in his office.

You liberals have opened the door, and the terrorists are walking right through it. They will be sure to wipe their feet, though, on the faces of those that you love. Rumsfeld knows that since the Democrats are in power, no one is safe, especially not the Secretary of Defense. Would you want to keep going to work if you could assume that any morning you could open your office door to find Osama pointing a gun at you while molesting your “executive assistant”?

Go ahead, liberals, celebrate. Just make sure that you hang your Taliban flag off the front porch of your house, so the terrorists know that you are their friend. I, for one, am going to continue to fly my good old American flag. I still love this country, and besides, I own lots and lots of guns. I will never forgive you for putting myself and my family in danger.

I guess now is the point at which I should congratulate you all for winning and try not to wonder too much about just how a group of unorganized, unwashed, and unsaved liberals managed to take control of Congress. I suppose the Republican Party is partly to blame for this, though. They were simply all too tired from governing, foiling terrorist plots, and winning election after election to even realize that you liberals would be able to somehow steal dozens of elections across this country. You know you cheated, I know you cheated and God certainly knows you cheated, but that is a topic for another day. Now I would ask you to raise your glasses and toast to your success. Drink fast, though, because your victory will be a short lived one.

If you put together the names of the top twenty Demon-crats that were voted in by you fools, you can spell the word “terror”. How could you vote for terror? I think you liberals should be locked up and studied, to see why your brains fail to function properly. Is there some kind of different synapse in there? Perhaps one that tells you to do things that are not in what we tell you is your best interest.

You are going to die; you do realize that, right? If the terrorists, your invited guests, don’t kill you, something else that you have caused will. For instance, the Democrats are working on a program of “retroactive abortions” where you could be killed up to forty years after your birth, if people decide that you are unwanted, or if you might get in the way of someone having a good time.

Wait, I have an idea! Why don’t you liberals just combine the two ideas of terrorism and retroactive abortion?

That way you could actually fund the Islmo-aborto-fascists as they go about their evil and disgusting work. Make sure that you have some quotas in place, though, you will need to be sure that you have some gay terrorists on the payroll.

Thank you, Liberal America. Thank you for taking away the sense of safety and security that the Republicans gave me. Thank you for taking away the knowledge that my anus was mine to do with what I please, keeping it tightly clenched. Thank you for destroying everything that I hold dear. Enjoy your two years of power, please. We will be taking over again in 2008, if you animals leave us enough America to reclaim.

Note: This post was authored by both Herman B. Hayes and Michael Gregory Steele.

Santorum and the Republicans Win by a Landslide!

2006-11-07T11:23:00.000-05:00

Rick Santorum has defeated Bob Casey by one of the largest margins in the history of Pennsylvania! God has once again proven that the Republican Party is the only true path to follow, and all will remain right, literally, with the world. We have won, Christian Soldiers, and victory is ours !

In the final tally, Bobby "How Could This Happen To Me?" Casey received only 20% of the vote in Pennsylvania! Even people who had claimed to be Democrats finally came to their senses and realized the Bob Casey is probably a slightly worse being than even Satan himself. I guess it just makes sense. Why would you ever vote for a man who wants to take away your guns, let homosexuals sodomize you and your sons, and who will let Osama be his chief advisor? We all knew that Rick Santorum was the man to vote for, and it pleases me that my state has not become the site of an embarrassing defeat for the Neo-Conservative crusade against evil. Pennsylvania is, and ever shall remain, a Red State.

Another factor in today’s crushing defeat of Bobby-Satan-Casey could have been the weather.

Slight drizzle prevailed over much of the state today, and as we all know, that kind of horrible weather is all it takes to keep weak-willed little liberals snug in their beds. Beds, that is, that are not crawling with jihadists due to the hard work of the Republican Party and real men like Rick Santorum. God has smiled upon us once again by unleashing a Heavenly assault of fine particles of rain upon Pennsylvania. Thank you for the misty sprinkles of Your love.

It was not just Pennsylvania, though, that the Republicans did so well in. All across this good and holy land, conservatives defeated the forces of the Devil in 89% of all races.

I guess people really do understand that we are winning in Iraq, and people are able to grasp the vile Democratic concepts of homosexual evil, forced sodomy, the myth of global warming, and so on and so forth down the line. I am simply astounded that in 11% of races held today, the forces of pure evil were able to prevail. I guess that some people just don’t understand that when you see a “D” by the name of a candidate, you might as well substitute a “T” for Taliban.

Tonight the Hayes home will be a house of celebration as we raise a toast to Senator Santorum-of-Christ, and all the Republican candidates who did so very well today.

Republicans from all over the state will be there, and we will be happy for an evening before we begin the hard work of crushing evil and preventing flag burning and anal sex again on Wednesday. Finally, the Democrats have been crushed. They will never recover, and that is reason enough for me to raise my glass.

Our drinks will be poured by minimum wage workers, who make $5.15 an hour, which is enough for any family if you spend it right and don't waste money.

In his concession speech earlier this evening, Bobby "Oh So Many Tears" Casey tried to convince us that he was proud of his campaign staffers. It will be a dark day when I coddle my lazy and shiftless runaways from the welfare rolls when they fail me at my refinery, or at my poolside bar. They did not do well, Mr. Casey, and they did not "try their best". They failed, you failed, and you should never show your face in public again. God has spoken, Mr. Casey, and he has declared you too liberal for heaven, and just liberal enough for Hell.

A note from Herman: I am writing this post a little bit early, since I am throwing a lavish victory celebration this evening. The numbers and statistics that I use are subject to change, but I doubt they will change by very much.

Update: Due to certain technical issues, our victory celebration has been cancelled.

The Election and the Gay Problem

2006-11-05T20:20:00.000-05:00

We’ve got a problem, my conservative compatriots - a big gay problem. Given all the homosexual Republican stories in the news lately I think you know exactly what I’m talking about. Now this particular problem won’t be solved by you sitting home on Tuesday and sulking. We all need to get out and do our civic duty by voting Republican and suppressing Democratic votes when the opportunity presents itself. Don’t let a couple news stories about guerrilla sodomites within the conservative ranks influence the outcome of this election. You wouldn’t let a homosexual cut your hair so why would you let one of them influence who is chosen to be your representatives for Congress?

I admit that it’s discouraging to see all the negative stories about Republicans being reported in the news lately. It’s not so much the stories of influence peddling and corrupt lobbyists that really bother me. I’m a businessman myself and I know that making a living can get legally complicated sometimes. You know I’m not looking to criminalize success here. I would have no problem looking the other way if I saw a Republican official taking a bribe, but if I caught this same official oiled up and wrestling with another man in his office then I would look the other way only so I could find a trashcan to vomit into. From there I would do everything in my power to destroy him.

It’s the news stories that involve conservatives and gay sex that really hurt the most.

In fact, this recent story about the now former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, Ted Haggard, and his alleged engagement in a homosexually gay coital love tryst with an equally gay prostitute has deeply upset me. It’s especially distressing because of how often Haggard communicated with the White House and how hard he fought for Christian values. He may have seemed like such a morally upright individual but I guess he fooled us. I’m most upset that he allowed this to happen at a time when it’s so politically inconvenient for the Republicans, but I guess it just goes to show that gay men are concerned about sex above all else (ok, so I already knew that).

I admit that the Republican Party has a very serious problem. This Haggard story coupled with the recent scandal surrounding former Representative Mark Foley and those congressional pages makes this abundantly clear. We all know that there are far too many gays masquerading as Republicans within the Party of God and that their very presence undermines our collective moral authority. I understand that dealing with this gay problem is incredibly important but it’s not the only issue we have to consider this Tuesday.

We can all work on purging the Republican Party of homos after this election is won. Right now we need to ensure that Republicans retain control of Congress. I shouldn’t need to remind anyone that we are still engaged in a war against Islamofacists who want to kill us. The Republicans are the only ones equipped to stand up to the terrorists and to keep us alive and I think you know that.

If you’re still thinking of staying home then maybe you should consider the following scene:

Osama Bin Ladin enters the voting booth so that he can do his part to ensure a big win for the Democratic Party. He smiles as he dreams of an America without the strong Republican leadership necessary to foil his sinister terrorist plots. Liberals in power would mean no more War on Terror and nobody to stand in his way. A great sadness fills Osama’s heart though as he soon realizes that Americans would never be foolish enough to leave themselves so vulnerable. Osama hangs his head dejectedly as he turns around to exit his voting booth. Then without speaking Mark Foley and Ted Haggard slip into the booth alongside the soulless jihadist. Both gay “conservatives” begin stroking Osama’s course beard and sensuously rubbing his broad shoulders. Foley then guides Osama’s hand back to the voting machine with his firm yet gentle grip. The lever drops and Osama’s vote is cast. America’s fate is sealed.

We can’t allow the Democrats/terrorists to win next week and we shouldn’t let the gays influence this election. So vote Republican on Tuesday and I promise you that we’ll start working on this gay problem come Wednesday.

We Must Do What it Takes to Win

2006-10-31T11:27:00.000-05:00

Here we are readers, in the final stretch of the election cycle. We are solidly in the lead, and it looks like very little can stand in our way. So, while Satan-loving-leftists and their unfortunate children are dressing up as demons, ghouls and liberal ax murderers going door to door begging for food, let us take a moment to examine how we can make sure we win this year.

The fact of the matter is simple: Politics has nothing to do with how you play the game. I hear people telling their children that winning is not the important part of a competitive activity, and then they say some stupid little platitude about it being “how you play the game.” No, no, no, that is just some banal phrase that silly lefties use to explain to their children that it is ok to be a wishy-washy little doormat for my Republican children to wipe their blessed feet on.

Winning is, in fact, everything. Nothing that we do, as Republicans, is wrong or amoral if we win. You, the man on the street, can do so much to help our cause, and if you want to live in a free society where no one is allowed or encouraged to sodomize you every time you leave your house, you will.

There is nothing wrong with bending the truth in order to ensure a win. I personally am a big fan of having my people hang flyers for a Republican candidate on telephone poles in Democratic neighborhoods. Just make sure you put the wrong date on the flyer, and there you go. Even if someone with half a brain notices and complains, there will be no ramifications. Remember, it is not election “fraud” if you screw up a flyer for your own candidate. If all you liberals out there are too stupid to know that Election Day is November 8, 2007, then it is not my problem. That is right, Democrats, in case no one has mentioned it yet, you are expected to get out there and do your civic duty. See you at the polls on the eighth of November, I hope!

Urban areas are traditionally strongholds of the left, since they enjoy things such as drugs and prostitution. Aside from using the fake signs, another way to help keep down the vote in an urban area is to put up flyers offering "free chicken and a forty" with directions leading people away from polling places.

Remember, nothing we can do is wrong; we are the Party of God! God helps those who help themselves to the spoils of political victory. If we let the Democrats win, then all is lost. You will be subjected to depravity the likes of which the world has never seen. Death squads will be seen as a blessed relief by the time the sodomy squads, abortion squads, and Chomsky squads have had their way with you. Your children will be sent to “Evolution Schools” where all knowledge of the Bible and of God will be drummed out of their heads. Your job will be taken away, and given to someone who will tell you to “cleen ooot you desk, mang, ees meen now, mang”, and you will have no choice but to comply. “Vote for Pedro” shirts will no longer be a humorous item. Hippies will be allowed to eat in any restaurant they want, and they might even be able to share drinking fountains with us! We must not allow this to come to pass.

Get out there and suppress that vote, Christian Soldiers. There is only so much that Diebold and our other friends can do. The rest is up to us, and God.

Second Santorum Political Ad

2006-10-27T00:05:00.000-04:00

It's nearly November and Bob Casey has apparently decided that a Senate seat is more important than a seat in Heaven. That's the only conclusion I can come to when I see Bob Casey continue to openly oppose Rick Santorum, a man the Lord is more than fond of.

In order to help right things we at Conservatives for American Values have decided to commission a second ad. If Casey insists on remaining in this race then he leaves us no choice but to expose him for who he really is.

Reelect Rick Santorum, for a less depraved Pennsylvania and a better America.

Republicans Lead in the Honest-to-God Poll.

2006-10-25T11:29:00.000-04:00

Our most recent Honest-to-God Poll© tells a very different story than the Satanist mainstream media. Republicans are going to mop the floor with those foolish little liberals this year. There will be no flip-flopping of the House or the Senate…we leave that to the liberals.

No, there is not going to be a landslide of Democratic wins, nor will there be a tidal wave, tsunami, or very large ripple. There will be massive flooding, however, by which I mean a massive flood of Republican victories. Let’s take a look at the questions and the responses. Our questions, of course, are not intended to inflence the answers given.

“Would you rather vote for a Republican, or would you rather let a Democrat sodomize members of your family? If you are gay, simply indicate that you are hellbound, and we will move on to the next question.”

Not surprisingly, 73% of those polled indicated that they would vote for a Republican before they would let a Democrat sodomize a loved-one. This kind of landslide has a name in the political world, and it is called a “mandate.” 25% of those remaining asked whether the family member was male or female, and many asked if they could watch. I am going to assume that these were the Democrats we called. One gentleman from Florida did, however, ask if he could sodomize someone young and male. This man identified himself as a Republican, but he must have been lying. The final two percent identified themselves as either gay or stupid by hanging up the phone, and probably crying themselves to sleep.

“Everyone knows that Republicans will keep you safe, and everyone knows that Democrats will cede their leadership to the Taliban if they are elected. How does that make you feel?”

Open ended questions are difficult to do when polling. However, it works well if you lump the answers into groups, and the results are still telling. 20% said that they were enraged by this, and that they would leave their ramshackle trailer on Election Day, walk to the polling place in their tattered shoes, and vote for Bush. I did not have the heart to tell them that we cannot re-elect Bush until 2008, but you understand their fervor. 50% laughed at this question, apparently thinking that it was funny. Yes, really, nothing is funnier to me than making sure we have enough turbans lying around for our new leaders. On the upside, at least Nancy Pelosi would have no chance in Hell of being Speaker of the House if the Taliban was in charge. The remaining thirty percent muttered insults at our pollsters, and hung up, presumably to commit the Sin of Onan and eat Doritos.

“Who do you consider a bigger threat to your security, Democrats or terrorists? Keep in mind that terrorists have guns and bombs, while democrats are channels for all the evil energies of Satan, and, as we all know, have disgusting sexual habits, use drugs, and want to melt your guns into homosexual playthings.”

60% of those polled postulated that terrorists were the larger threat to their security. It is safe for us to consider that these respondents are all Democrats, since only a Democrat would dare to make the claim that terrorism has not been destroyed by President Bush and the War for the Peace and Freedom and Happiness and Ecstatic Joy of Iraq. Republicans can use terror in campaign speeches, however, to remind the people to be afraid of their own shadow, a shadow that only a conservative can protect them from. We know that is an effective campaign tool. 39% claim that Democrats are a bigger threat to their safety. These are the good God fearing Republicans of the lot, who know that a Democrat is the most terrifying thing a man, woman, or especially a child will ever face. Remember, though, my friends, we have something that they do not…a faith and trust in God and the Second Amendment. The remaining one percent declined to answer, in effect saying that they were too stupid to be afraid of anything. Apparently they have never stumbled upon an image of Hillary Clinton in a bathing suit.

So there we have it, the truth about the American political scene, brought to you by the Conservatives for American Values Honest-to-God Poll©. You know you can trust us, and you know you can trust your honestly elected Republican leaders. Election time is close, followers, and it is time to cover this nation in red! Red as in victories for us, of course, not red as in blood flowing freely from the victims of the Democrats…

Santorum Political Ad

2006-10-13T00:31:00.000-04:00

With November quickly approaching Herman and I feel that we need to do everything we can to ensure that God's favorite Senator, Rick Santorum remains in office. So we put together this political ad which explains why you should vote for Santorum and why his opponent Bob Casey is an absolutely disgraceful human being.

Spread the word and help keep Santorum's seat safe.

Guest Post: The Enemy Within

2006-10-11T14:31:00.000-04:00

While Herman and I put the finishing touches on a political ad we hope to be premiering here this Friday, please enjoy the following guest post from my colleague and friend Robert S. Larkin:

On September 29th, 2006 President Bush made a statement in which he declared that those who criticize the war in Iraq are embracing the "enemy's propaganda."

What President Bush didn't make clear, and which he should have, is exactly whose propaganda the war critics are lapping up. While it is obvious that the propaganda is from Al Qaeda, it appears that most people have overlooked which faction of Al Qaeda has distributed it to the American people.

Perhaps President Bush didn't want to panic the American people by pointing out that the propaganda in the National Intelligence Estimate was written by United States government agencies.

You read that correctly. Our government has been infiltrated by Al Qaeda operatives and they are actively indoctrinating others in the government. This is not a new tactic. In fact, I have here in my hand a list of two hundred and five operatives that were known to former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright as being members of Al Qaeda and who nevertheless were still working and shaping the policy of the State Department right before President Bush took office.

This is why as Americans we should be grateful that the Republican lead Congress has just passed a bill that eliminates habeas corpus, bans torture (a rather vague term if you ask me), and allows brutally effective interrogation techniques such as water boarding.

This new bill in conjunction with our domestic spying program will allow the President to weed out those within our ranks that are subverting the United States while allowing us to also extract reliable information by nearly drowning these traitors and obstructionists.

It is clear by the publication of the NIE that our greatest enemy is national intelligence and we must work tirelessly to cut this cancer from our society. We can all rest easier knowing that our government now has the tools to accomplish this.

President Bush's leadership in this area is clearly Americanism with its sleeves rolled up.

Mr. President, thank you for putting this nation on the right track.

Welcome, Soon To Be Followers

2006-10-09T00:05:00.000-04:00

I would like to personally extend my welcome to the latest influx of godless liberals from both Fark and Netscape. I’m glad that your curiosity about how the other half lives has brought you to our door. And by “the other half” I mean those with a coherent political ideology and who aren’t bound for the fiery and eternal pit of torment. I’d ask that you wipe your feet as you enter so as to not track sin into our home.

I’m very excited that you Farkers especially have taken time out of your busy schedule of Photoshoping “O Rly” owls to devote some energy to your personal salvation. So for everyone who’s new here to get a sense for our mission, we’d like to present you with a list of posts from the last several months that we feel are representative of our righteous mission. You might not agree with everything Herman and I have to say, but you will. In the meantime just try not to agitate our followers by openly disagreeing with anything we have written.

Forgiving the Republican Party

2006-10-06T10:17:00.000-04:00

Ok everyone, just take a deep breath and try not to lose faith. I know some of you are distressed about this whole “former Republican Representative Mark Foley sexually abusing underage pages because he’s a sex crazed homosexual” story all over the news, but let’s try not to overreact. Just stay calm and don’t even entertain the thought of staying home from the polls this November.

Values voters I am making an appeal to all of you. I’m asking that you not forget forgiveness when thinking of your personal values. Please fellow Christians, forgive the Republican Party for allowing a gay man to slither into God’s party. I know you’re all upset and disgusted but let’s just try not to throw the baby Jesus out with the bathwater.

Let me be perfectly clear here, if former Representative and current homosexual Mark Foley actually committed these heinous acts, then this is absolutely unforgivable. And let me further state, that if anyone in the Republican leadership had prior knowledge of Foley’s actions and refused to act then they too are culpable.

In fact, ever since Foley’s resignation there’s been a lot of talk about what Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert knew and when he knew it. Even members of his own party are calling for Hastert to resign from his leadership post for not acting on this Foley situation. I’m not so quick to call for the head of Denny Hastert though.

There’s something you have to remember about Hastert and Republicans in general, they’re inexperienced sinners. Would you really expect Hastert, a poor naïve representative from Illinois to understand any of this child molestation business? He’s not a Democrat so he has no frame of reference for any of this. So let’s not tar and feather the poor man just because he was far too innocent to understand the seriousness of all of this.

Think of how embarrassing it was for Hastert to have one of his staffers explain just what Foley was doing during those sexually explicit IM conversations. I mean just look at the Hastert’s sweet and innocent face above; do you really think he could have understood this kind of depravity? If I had my way Hastert would have remained innocent just a bit longer. Those pages aren’t the only victims in all this.

Hastert may never be able to get his innocence back, but we can prevent the entire Republican Party from becoming victims. It would be beyond foolish to let this whole situation deter you from going to the polls and voting for Republican candidates. If you allow the Democrats to win this November then you are responsible for every page that a Democrat molests. Democrats have a lifetime of sinning under their belts and they’ll continue to sin while in office. The main difference is that Democrats know how to molest a congressional page without getting caught. Think about that this November.

Don’t Take a Page from Foley’s Book

2006-10-04T10:33:00.000-04:00

Mark Foley has put the Republican Party in a bad position, but I am sure that not all the blame can be rested on him alone.

In my opinion, Mark Foley is a victim here. He has been victimized by the “teenage boys”, a priest, and the Democrats. We know this is a Democratic ploy to hurt conservatives in the month before an election. That much is obvious. I think there is something a bit more sinister than that going on here, though. Something is not right about Mark Foley trying to have sex with children, beyond trying to have sex with children.

I am blaming a good portion of this on the pages in question. Why are they hiding from us? Is it because they are in their 50’s and chatting online in their donkey print pajamas? Chances are that Mark Foley was having internet sex with Howard Dean.

This smells of a liberal sting operation, and I know it has been in the works for years now. I want to see these “children” on the news this evening. If they are so sweet and innocent, surely there is no reason to hide them behind a veil of secrecy. I want to see them, I want to know that they are not full-grown liberal hit-men on a mission to take down Mark Foley and the House leadership. On the topic of Hastert, of course he should not step down. Someone handed him some emails that seemed “overly friendly”. Is being nice a crime? It is not like they brought him a box full of severed heads found in Foley’s office.

If they are really children, then the dirty little sluts had it coming. Much like many other situations, sometimes the victim gets what they asked for.

Children of that age are not really children, mind you. Sixteen year olds may have heard about sex from evil liberal teachers, or may have even heard about it from the children of liberal parents. Mark Foley is a man of weak moral character, and it is obvious that he was susceptible to the sexual assault launched upon him by these “innocent children”. “I have a package for you,Congressman”, can only be read one way when you are a man like Foley. That way is, of course, “I would like to have internet based sexual activity with you, Congressman. Oh, here is that package from FedEx you so lustfully desired, in the same way I know you desire my penis. I want you too, Senator Sexy-Pants.”

Come on, Foley, you can do better than “I was molested by a priest.” Try replacing priest with “Democratic councilman from my hometown”, and it will be a little more helpful to us.

“Molested by a priest” is the second oldest one in the book, right after “the devil made me do it”. The priest thing is so very over-used as an excuse for having a weak moral character. Oh, and of course it is a lie, since priests are men of God and do not do things like that, ever. You are simply joining hundreds and hundreds of other liars with no credibility. No one is biting, Mark, and you really are not helping our situation. You need to attack some liberals here, even if your attacks are all lies. Help spread the blame around. Soften the blow, if you will. I know that it would be difficult for you to hurt your real party like that, but you should at least try.

You did read that right. Mark Foley is a closet homosexual, and that makes him a closet Democrat.

It is not possible to be a homosexual and be a Republican at the same time. Our Good and Holy God does not allow such abominations to roam the Earth. Foley was, probably unbeknownst to himself, a Democratic operative, out to do major damage to the Republican Party. We need to stop this baseless smear campaign before it goes any further. There is nothing to see here, folks, move along. I hear that there are some Democrats planning to kill some babies. They are calling it “abortion”. Get yourselves all up in arms about that, instead.

Mark Foley was a weak willed closet Democrat-sexual who was either led on by predatory children, or was tricked by liberal smear-merchants. Either way, remember, more Democrats than Republicans will be taking “pages” from Foley’s now-available little black book.

Conservationism, the Subtle Satanism

2006-10-02T00:05:00.000-04:00

It’s no secret that all liberals openly defy and undermine the Lord in everything they do. No rational person would debate this point. Sometimes though the ways in which they spit in the face of everything that is sacred can be subtle. Tree-hugging conservationists are one group of liberals that are too often underestimated by us morally minded Christians.

We all know that Muslims, atheists, homo insurgents, and other liberals pose a very real threat to Christianity and the American way of life. Too often though we ignore the moral threat posed by the bearded granola-eating vegans among us. It’s not that these anemic leaf-munchers pose much of a physical threat to anyone who doesn’t resemble a soy plant, but when their depraved ideas permeate our culture then they can pose a true moral danger to all of us.

In fact, the basic philosophical ideas of these nature loving freaks show a fundamental disrespect for The Lord. God has given us tall sturdy trees with which to build, precious shimmering oil to power our cars, and delicious meaty animals to eat, all in great abundance. When we don’t take full advantage of these gifts then we can’t be surprised when God takes it a bit personally.

To better understand my point, consider the following. Not surprisingly, I am a wonderful provider for my family. I always make sure we have enough money to keep the Steele family fridge stocked with enough food that my children will never know hunger. I also would never allow my children to eat only small portions of food so as to “conserve” what’s in that fridge.

I never want Michael Jr. to open our refrigerator door and to wonder what’s going to happen when the peanut butter is all gone. He shouldn’t ever think about that. All that he needs to know is that there’s always a jar of Jif in that fridge whenever he reaches for it. For him to think otherwise would mean he doesn’t trust in me as a provider or father.

And what if Michael Jr. refused to drink any of the Sunny D in our fridge because he wanted to appreciate it in its natural and unopened splendor? If he did, then he’d receive a very stern and harsh punishment from me. I simply can’t allow my children to take for granted what I have given them, and I know that God feels the same way.

What it boils down to is that anyone who cries all day about global warming or who devotes any time to worrying about endangered species has no trust in God. If we need more oil or more spotted owls then God will simply restock the fridge. Don’t disrespect the Almighty by worrying about what’s going to happen when we clear-cut all the forests and pollute the air.

Why take the chance of insulting the Almighty just because a couple of hippies tell you it’s the right thing to do? I ignore these unwashed reprobates and refuse to even recycle my newspapers. If you don’t follow my example, don’t be surprised if you find yourself among the unsaved. And after the rapture while you’re raiding Earth’s fridge which at that point is filled with nothing but expired condiments, Jesus and I will share a good hearty laugh in Heaven at your expense.

Santorum Leads in the Poll

2006-09-28T15:47:00.001-04:00

Santorum is simply crushing his Satanist opponent, Bobby Casey, in the polls. This election is in the bag, folks!

Certain liberal polls, such as those from Zogby, Pew, and Quinnipiac, have Casey in the lead. However, I am sure you have learned by now you simply cannot trust anyone but us, and possibly Fox News, for your political and spiritual information.

We are proud to introduce to you the Conservatives for American Values “Honest-to-God” Poll ^TM. Now you can get a real look at the issues, from someone you trust.

This week’s poll compares Bobby “Kitten Rapist” Casey and Rick “Jesus really really loves me” Santorum. We polled roughly 1000 people, at “random”, and asked them a series of questions related to the candidates. Our polls, since they are conducted with the help of God, have no rate of sampling error. Here are the results, broken down to appeal to even the most stupid amongst you.

“Do you intend to vote for Mr. Santorum or Mr. Casey, the pedophile, in the upcoming mid-term election?”

72 % of respondents said they would vote for Santorum, who they considered to be a good and honest man with nothing but love in his heart for everyone. 20% stated that they would vote for Casey. Our phone-pollsters reported hearing sounds of satanic worship and possible bestiality in the backgrounds of the calls to Casey supporters. 8% were deemed too dumb to know how to vote, or they had names that sounded Islamic.

“Is Bobby “Lying Jerk” Casey more evil, or is Rick Santorum closer to being God-like?”

The results were very interesting here, and I must admit that I am slightly surprised. 52% of those polled think that Rick Santorum is closer to being God-like than Bobby Casey. However, only 2% claimed that Casey is more evil, even though our pollsters said “Bobby Casey” using a snake-like hiss. 46% of those answering picked options that were not part of the poll, such as “What are you talking about?”, “What kind of question is that?” and “Bob Casey is a good and honorable man, and you should not try to hurt him like this!” Those who answered in a similar manner were reported to mental health agencies in their area, since they are obviously sick, sick people.

“How much do you hate Bobby “I will kill your kids” Casey, or, if you do not hate the candidate, how much do you despise him? Or, if you approve of Casey, why do you like porn and drugs?”

The responses here were a touch confusing. I assume this is because many of those polled simply did not understand the subtle nature of the question. 26% of those polled said that they hate Casey “A lot”, “tons”, or “so much I cannot see straight”. Yet another 26% claim to hate Casey “beyond words”, or “more than I could ever say”. The remaining respondents claimed to not hate Bobby “Pass the Weed, Dogg” Casey, and also claimed not to be fans of porn and drugs. Most claimed to like Bobby “Bong-Hit" Casey, as a matter of fact. Now, we know that all liberals are on drugs and are aficionados of pornography. It is not worth trying to lie to the Honest-to-God poll. We know your real opinions, and that is how we will mark your answers.

From what we now know, it is obvious that Bobby “Son of Satan” Casey will be finished this November. Rick Santorum holds a commanding lead in the only poll that matters, and his future is assured.

Chavez Plays With Hellfire

2006-09-25T07:30:00.000-04:00

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has got a lot of nerve. The communist leader has long thumbed his nose at America and her freedoms, but this time Chavez has taken things too far. Instead of just verbally assaulting America from afar, Hugo has decided to make things personal by continually insulting our President during his recent visit here to the United States.

In fact, while making his address to the U.N. in New York last week, Chavez used the opportunity to cement his reputation as the Hispanic Howard Dean:

"The devil came here yesterday," Chavez said, referring to Bush, who addressed the world body during its annual meeting Tuesday. "And it smells of sulfur still today."

I actually watched the footage on TV while Chavez made these incendiary remarks. One thing I noticed though is that Chavez never actually called Bush “the devil” during his speech, but instead referred to him as “el Diablo.” After spending years listening to the incomprehensible gibberish spewed by my gardeners I can recognize Spanish when I hear it and this little moronic diatribe was made in Spanish.

Look, if you’re going to cross the Mexican border, like Chavez presumably did en route from Venezuela, and come to this country you’d better know how to speak the language. Now I’m sure Hugo knew pretty far in advance that he would be addressing the U.N. here in the good old U.S. of A. He had plenty of notice. He could have at very least learned a few English words so that when he spat on everything we stand for, he could do it in our native tongue. If you’re going to insult the President of the United States on American soil, at least have the decency not to do it in Spanish.

Now let’s move on to the actual substance of Chavez’s remarks. Again, he called President Bush, a leader hand-picked by the Almighty, Satan. Unbelievable! But this just begs the question, why would the Lord pick His greatest foe to rule over His favored nation? The whole thing just defies common sense.

Another point to consider is that the devil would have great difficulty climbing the ranks within the Republican Party, the party of God and moral values. Maybe he could get elected to a local post like county commissioner but certainly not president. I think it’s quite clear that if Satan ever wanted to find himself in the White House, he’d have to do so with a “(D)” after his name. Even then it would be quite a struggle for Beelzebub to make it through the Democratic Party primary with all those far-left liberal delegates questioning whether he’s truly evil enough to represent the Democratic Party.

But all of this talk about Satan’s presidential prospects is taking me away from my main point – Hugo Chavez is a godless communist who made a tremendous error in judgment by insulting President Bush. It would be wise for Mr. Chavez to keep a lower profile and keep his Spanish-speaking mouth shut. If Chavez continues to taunt us, he may leave America no choice but to unleash a devastating wave of freedom and democracy upon his nation. I also think it’s high time that Hugo Chavez learned a few words of English. Maybe, just maybe, he could begin by slowly and carefully sounding out the word “sorry.”

Democrats Will Let Terrorists Kill You

2006-09-21T12:34:00.000-04:00

We have elections coming up, and while we have taken steps to make sure they go our way, there is still a chance that some Democrats might slip through the cracks.

This cannot be allowed to happen. Of course, I hate Democrats because of their love of killing babies, their rampant use of drugs, and because they are hoping for God to get cancer and die. These are reasons enough to wish for the eradication of an entire political party. What worries me, though, is how much liberals love terrorists and terrorism in general. The sight of dead American bodies does for Democrats like the sight of naked 12 year old boys does for, well, Democrats.

If we allow the Demon-crats to take control of Congress they will draft legislation that will allow terrorists to come over here and kill us all.

No, I do not have any proof to back up the above statement, however, if you do not trust me by now you are more of a fool than I thought. Liberals want you to die so that they can claim that our Esteemed Leader, President Bush, failed to keep you safe. They will claim that it was the leader of the prior administration that got Americans killed. Republicans would never stoop to the level of blaming that whore Bill Clinton for 9-11, but the liberals will not be so kind.

Do you want to die? Vote for the Democrat Party!

The American-hating liberals use the stupid donkey as their symbol. I used to think this meant that even they thought they were asses, but I am starting to doubt that is the case. Donkeys are pack animalsÂof death. If you were to be so stupid as to vote for a liberal, you would be inviting a donkey loaded with dynamite and anthrax into your living room. If you love your family you will make sure to vote Republican this November. There is no other way to stay alive. By the way, they will take NASCAR off the air, and replace it with the "Britney Spears Pregnancy and Booze Hour".

You liberals might as well just kill yourselves instead of voting. The end result would be the same, and you would save us a ton of money on the clean-up.

I know that you liberals out there love it when we are attacked by terrorists. If it were up to you, Bin Laden would be named as the head of Homeland Security. Some of us prefer not to be blown into oblivion because you Emo-Crats need something to go home and cry yourselves to sleep over, however. Leave us good God Fearing Republicans alone, please. Why donÂt you just move to the Middle East and vote for some terrorist lovers over there?

The issues are simple: Republicans will keep you safe and healthy. Democrats will essentially come to your house, then rape and kill your family while sodomizing your pets and doing crack on your couch. Then they will tax you for their time.

By the way, the image for this post was sent to the Moral Mailbox by a five year old child. This is how he sees Democrats in his dreams. His parents, thank God, are good Republican citizens.

An Arab Family Has Moved in Next Door

2006-09-19T11:28:00.000-04:00

My world is no longer safe, dear readers. An Islamic family now lives beside my Christian household.

I will be straight with you, folks. I do not like having my house blown up. I do not like having car bombs going off on my street in the middle of the night. I prefer not to have to hear someone yelling “jihad” every time I walk out to get the paper. I really, really, do not like hearing strange chanting noises multiple times each day. I am not happy about this development in my life, and I am sure you would feel the same way.

Apparently the neighborhood committee thinks that letting brown people move onto my little cul-de-sac of Christian peace is a good idea. What is next, Satanists?

Sure, maybe my views are a little bit old fashioned, but that does not mean that they are wrong. I know that men having sex with men is all the rage right now, for instance, but I have never considered myself to be a trend follower. I am not an inclusive man, and I will go to Heaven for just that reason. Just because Rosie O’Donnell says that each and every Christian should be shot on sight does not mean that I am going to grab one of my many guns and start shooting my children, does it?

I know that Mahmuud is doing something sinister in that “Garage of Terror” that he spends so much time in.

Don’t try to tell me that he is working on his lawn mower, because I know better than that. I am sure that any day now he will be having tons and tons of sand delivered so that he can live in the desert again. A lawn mover will be of little use then, will it not? I bet that he is rigging that self-propelled mower with explosives. It would be easy, then, for him to fire it up and send it on a collision course with the side of my house. I would be even more un-nerved if he had a lawn tractor…he would then make himself the slowest moving suicide bomber ever.

Basketball? It seems like Mahmuud is teaching his children how to make a three-pointer through my kitchen window…with a grenade.

I am unsettled by how this man spends so much time outside with his children. Islamic types don’t play sports, so why is he teaching his children these skills? To kill me and my family, that is why! My kids are great at sports, as all red-blooded Americans are, but I am not sure that I want to send them outside to play defense against a crop of Little-Tyke terrorists. Sure, there could be innocent reasons why an Arab is teaching his children how to play various sports, but I only see the sinister truth behind this family bonding experience. You know what they say over there, right? “The family that kills infidels together stays together for an eternal reward, based on how many Christians they have murdered.”

No good will come of this, I promise you. May Christ save my family, we are going to need it.

Today Mahmuud is building what appears to be a jungle-gym in his back yard. I think that I have seen similar structures in videos of terrorist training camps. Soon he and his brood will be climbing my trellises to attack my home. Worse yet, my wife cannot even borrow cooking ingredients that she has foolishly run out of. We do not eat hummus and falafels in the Hayes household. I am not a big fan of roasted goat heads, either. I like it when my neighbors make my life easier, but I can see that this will not be the case ever again.

I think I would rather have a black family move in next to me. I could always bullet-and-sound proof my house, and at least then my wife could borrow a cup of sugar if need be, but only if she wore her body armor.

God Demands That We Profit from 9-11

2006-09-13T18:14:00.000-04:00

As we have seen in the days since the fifth anniversary of September 11^th, the liberals and the godless have forgotten about September 11^th.

There is a hole in America, and it is called “Ground Zero”. There are sixteen acres of ground there, just waiting for someone to remember the lessons of 9-11, and to remember what America is all about. I know that my fellow conservatives have not forgotten that day, we remember it always, and we try not to let you feeble-minded fools forget either. Why do these acres of hallowed ground stand empty, though?

The liberals are at fault: they want to subvert the true meaning of freedom, and the will of God.

The terrorists are winning each and every day that Ground Zero is not making money. Remember, this was not a Kentucky Fried Chicken that these Islamo-Fascist-Neo-Barbarians slammed planes into. Leaving a smoldering pit of chicken parts and gravy to rot for five years would have been a tragedy, but nothing compared to the shame and sorrow of failing to rebuild that much business space in Manhattan. America is about two things, worshipping God and making money. Ground Zero is a testament to neither of those American ideals, and the thought of it enrages my Lord.

Our Lord hates to see that empty space, especially since it could be filled with offices and other money-making enterprises.

God could care less about the fact that no one put a business on the site of Flight 93’s impact in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. Really, what would you put there? “Bubba’s Cow Milking Emporium”? There is no prime capitalist real-estate being wasted there. God remembers the dead, of course, but he realizes that Shanksville is simply not fertile ground for big business, only for corn and white trash. New York is different, though, and it is high time that we came up with a strategy for using 9-11 to our financial advantage.

The Twin Towers were getting a little old, anyhow. Maybe the Jihadist maniacs have given us a golden opportunity.

Remember, if any of this offends you, then you are a godless heathen who is bound directly for Hell. God doesn’t like the weak, the Commies, or you if you are about to start whining about what I am saying. The World Trade Center buildings were not that new, and tearing them down would have cost a ton of money. Now we have the opportunity to build on the ashes of the old using modern methods and technology. We can build a temple to God and Business the likes of which the world has never seen. We must, no matter what the liberals say, build a structure that will bring adding machines and ledger books closer to Our Lord than ever before.

“The Lord Our Holy God Financial-and-Business Center and Ultra-Mega-Church” must be built. There is no other way to make God happy with our money-making endeavors again.

I have been speaking with top Christian-Architects to see what we could create, with God’s help and insistence, where Ground Zero is today. Imagine, if you will, the tallest structure in the world. Now image a 100 story steeple, stretching from the top of that structure, now imagine a 30 story tall cross atop of that. No one could deny the power of Christ then, no one. We would be able to fit more offices and pews in this structure than in any that have come before it, and God would be made glad.

We must build this monument to God, and we must build it in the memory of the thousands of money making saints, and their acolytes, who died on September 11, 2001.

My Lord Is Not Huggable!

2006-09-11T07:30:00.000-04:00

There is a very dangerous children’s toy currently on the market and that I wanted to make all the parents out there aware of it. Just because this particular toy doesn’t present a choking hazard that doesn’t mean it can’t irreparably harm your child. In fact, this toy could be more dangerous to your child than a plastic bag filled with razor blades. I’m talking about a Bible quoting and “huggable” version of My Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Initially when I heard about this talking plush Jesus doll I was quite excited. I was even going to write a post suggesting to all my readers that they go out and buy a Jesus doll for their daughters (and Jesus Christ action figures for their sons if they were available). But when I delved further into this I made a startling discovery. I found that this doll was not the Jesus that I know and love but something far more insidious.

First of all, this doll sends kids the message that it’s ok to hug any unshaven man who uses as rope as a belt when he says things like “I love you and I have an exciting plan for your life.” I think having this doll in my house could potentially undermine the Steele family policy of not hugging homeless hippie pedophiles.

The second problem I have with this doll is how he looks. To understand what I mean, first I would ask all of you to take a moment and look at the picture of this stuffed abomination above. Notice the doll’s dark skin, his dread-locked hair, and the fact that he looks as though he would be quite adept at Frisbee or hacky sack. Now compare this to the picture of Jesus you have on your wall at home. See what I mean? Jesus should look like a beaming blond-haired and blue-eyed Adonis, not some hippie with poor hygiene and a vacant glassy stare.

Do you see where I’m going with this yet? Of course you don’t. What I’m trying to say is that this is not a stuffed representation of the Jesus we all know and love. This is not the Jesus that hates sodomites, loves unfettered free market capitalism, and supports the War on Terror. This doll is a false idol of a false god created by liberals who want to undermine our Christian faith. These liberal nonbelievers co-opted Christ and remade him in their own twisted image. They created a pseudo-Jesus who preaches tolerance toward all, respect for women, and a concern for the poor. I hate this so-called Christ with every fiber of my being.

If this doll were an accurate representation of the angry vengeful God I know then no child would want to hug or play with it. If my son, Michael Jr., had a real Jesus doll then he would cower at the very sight of it. Having a Jesus doll watching you as you sleep should be as terrifying for a child as being tucked in with a Chucky doll. The child should fear and respect their Jesus doll, not love it and cuddle it as if it were a damned teddy bear. It is for these reasons that I’m urging parents not to buy one of these dolls for your child. If you wish to be a responsible Christian parent you need to make sure that your child views the Lord not as his “bestest snuggle buddy” but as the one thing standing between him and eternal torment in Hell.

Lord, Please Silence These Fools

2006-08-24T12:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Lord, please quiet the foolish tongues of all non-Christians and unbelievers. Render mute all homosexuals and fornicators so that the minds of your children will remain pure and chaste. Still the tongues of all who refuse to praise your name.

This is a prayer that could never be uttered in an American public school, despite the urgent need for these very words to be spoken.

There was a time when the school day could begin with a prayer like this. There was also a time when the teachings of Christ actually played a role in the classroom. Now the only thing a Bible can be used for is kindling in teachers’ lounge to help warm the teachers as they figure out new and creative ways to indoctrinate your children.

One of the major reasons for this damnable legal shift is that Christians don’t quite make up as overwhelming a majority as they used to. Ignoring non-Christians was a whole lot easier when the American Muslim population didn’t exist or when religious diversity consisted of one crazy unbeliever/outcast that lived in the woods and conversed with forest animals. Supposedly even a nut like this has the right to worship Satan as he sees fit.

But this very argument that prayer shouldn’t be allowed in schools because it silences religious minorities makes me laugh. I not only laugh because the argument itself is ridiculous, but also because the thought is so very pleasing to me. Just picture it – non-Christians being shamed into submission and having shut their damn yaps for a change. Cue the halleluiah chorus.

The courts also seem to think that making non-Christians say Christian prayers is religious coercion and violates the so-called separation of Church and State. Apparently these same activist judges seem to think it is also their duty to protect these religious minorities from the imposition of Christian values. This interferes though, with my duty to impose my Christian values on everyone around me. So it seems we have a very serious dilemma.

You see, I understand this school prayer argument perfectly. I acknowledge that the lone Muslim kid in the classroom might feel a bit isolated sitting alone in a corner while the rest of his class is lead in a recitation of the Lord’s Prayer. But frankly the thought of little Osama Jr. being teased on the playground isn’t enough to make me overlook the importance of giving our children a good moral education. Accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or find another place to play ball, kid!

Honestly, the problem with this whole argument is that we absolutely shouldn’t be protecting children from such experiences. On the contrary we need make sure this happens much more often. We need to use peer pressure to drive a few more unbelievers into the flock. The separation of Church and State thing wasn’t as rigidly enforced when everybody had the correct idea of what the Church part of this equation should be (Church = Christ for the mathematically disinclined). Only if we can be more aggressive in our conversion efforts and eliminate the overabundance of religious diversity in this country can we return to education centered on Jesus Christ.

Lord, I pray that if you do not see fit to cleanse and purify these vermin so that you may bring them into your flock, please ensure that their cries are unheard by the ears of your true followers. Make them go away, God, just make them all go away. Amen.

Judge Hands Terrorists the Keys to Your Home

2006-08-21T12:30:00.000-04:00

Since it’s a known fact that Democrats can’t win elections, they score political victories the only way they can: through the justice system. We’ve seen this sad fact played out yet again as last week another liberal ruling has been handled down by the courts; a ruling that directly translates to the deaths of millions of Americans.

Despite what you may think, this particular ruling has nothing to do with abortion or a mother’s so-called right to commit fetuscide. No, it seems that liberals are no longer content to just kill unborn Americans; they apparently want too see the rest of us dead as well.

The liberal commitment to the destruction of the American way of life was shown again as Judge Anna Diggs Taylor (a woman no less) recently ruled that the Bush administration’s use of warrantless wire taps is both illegal and unconstitutional. In case you’re wondering, this ruling does in fact seal the fate of all Americans. This out of control activist woman judge with the help of the ACLU (surprise, surprise) have just handed al Queda the keys to your house. The most you can hope for at this point is that the terrorists don’t track mud onto your nice carpet as they sneak into your home to slit your throat while you sleep.

President Bush’s response to this travesty of justice was of course firm, direct, and completely correct:

“[Opponents of the NSA surveillance program] simply don’t understand the nature of the world we live in… We must give those whose responsibility it is to protect the United States the tools necessary to protect this country in a time of war”

I couldn’t agree more, Mr. President. In fact, the single biggest problem with the Constitution in general is that those who originally drafted it had a pre-9/11 mindset. We live in a very different world now and we can’t allow ourselves to be constrained by the civil rights of America’s citizens. Sorry liberal traitors, if we actually want to defeat this enemy and spread freedom and democracy across the globe we no longer have the luxury of a right to privacy. Deal with it.

While the implications of this ruling are terrifying, if there’s one thing I know about President Bush, it’s that he won’t allow this to prevent him from protecting America. He’ll find a way around this Constitution problem and defeat our Islamist foes. Until he does though, your personal terror level should remain somewhere between “completely incapacitated by fear” and “soiling your pants.”

I, on the other hand, shall remain strong in the face of our impending doom. I personally understand that protecting the principles of an outdated piece of parchment like the Constitution simply doesn’t matter in the context of the War on Terror. I know this, the President knows this, and you should know this. I just pray that until the President is able to address this, that the terrorists will limit their inevitable orgy of destruction to the godless liberals who support this ruling.