Diary of a London cokehead

2008-09-22T00:25:00.008+01:00

As you've probably gathered. I've decided I no longer feel the need to write this blog.

Thanks for your time, and this is still what... three years of my life as an open book.

To be honest, I just don't feel the urge to do this any longer.

Maybe somebody will discover it one day, maybe not.

And that's that...

...Last drinks at the bar ladies and gentlemen.

Signing off.

Lch

x

(although I may feel the need to pick it back up again one rainy day )

2008-07-30T02:41:00.000+01:00

Jeez Louise, I've neglected this blog so much it's actually fragmenting.

OK Heads up.. Ive been dating a girl for over a year now and she knew about this blog, sooo I couldn't write it any more for fear of hurting her feelings. This relationship is now over, so I suppose I'm back, and have liberty to write what the fuck I want again.

expect posts.

2008-06-30T10:20:00.004+01:00

Sooo, My sisters Husband is dying of stage 3 colonic mastized son of a bitch, motherfukin, spreading everywhere in his body, 1 year ( if he's lucky ) to live cancer, and I'm thinking 'Why them??

They discovered this last Friday.

There is no fucking god ruling this planet...and if there is, he's having a fucking laugh with us all.

She has four kids to look after.

I'm a very very fucking angry boy at the moment, so I'm listening to Kate Bush ( Arial ) to try and get myself in perspective.

FUKIN... MEH!!!

laters

Hey! my blog...completely forgot.

2008-06-03T14:13:00.009+01:00

Enough already...I'm posting!

Sooo: What's been going on?

Well I've been here:

And done this ( not me or the band in any of these pics by the way )

And this:

And this:

And been here:

And here:

And seen this:
And played with this lot:

Etc. etc. etc. In other words...all over the chip shop.

Places either visited or passed through in the last few weeks; Brussels, Vienna, Warsaw, Krakow, Marseilles, Graz, Belgrade, Heathrow, Gatwick , Stansted etc. etc. etc.

And today I'm having a day off before returning to the venue tomorrow to finish an install.

Points of note over the last few weeks.

Finishing a gig at 12.30 and spending 2 hours sleeping in the hotel before going back to the airport for 4am for a 6am flight, throwing a strop cos I thought I'd lost my bank cards, finding my bank cards, flying to Brussels, then Vienna for a three hour drive up into the mountains into Graz and then playing at 3 am the following morning.

And you lot think this is all fukin glamorous and shit.

What else? The synth museum in Austria, lots of lovely knobs, sliders and assorted flashy things, right up my street. Shame JR made us speed around it a lightning pace coz he needed to go sit in his hotel room and smoke dope???? Well done, first prize, brilliant idea. Like we never get to see the inside of a fukin hotel room ever.

I will never forgive you.

Very happening place by the way Graz, lots of cool bars, restaurants, nightclubs inside mountains, arty shit and generally happening things happening. Well worth the visit.

+ We reckon if the flight home had crashed it would have taken out half the British dance acts and DJ's scene.

It didn't

Oh yeah reminds me of the other week when British Airways tried to feed a plane full of Roots Reggie Rasta's ( traveling as a band to the same venue as us ) bacon sandwiches for Breakfast..

"Bumberclot! take it away you stanky gwirl or I check you out of t plane window with yo boyfriend who look like a gwirl too, go on now and why I still smellin dat shit!? "

Next err: Getting sooo pissed in Serbia on a barge ( converted into a nightclub ) that I barely made it through airport security and I can't even remember the flight home. Something about plumb brandy if I remember rightly?

Finally: getting barred from my local pub for being naughty in the toilets. No biggie really, plenty more pubs where I live. Technically I don't know if I'm barred or not, but I'm guessing I am and I'm not going back in just for a certain tosser behind the bars personal satisfaction of turfing me back out again.

He knows who he is the hyprocrytical, pug faced, Lirish ( London Irish ) tampon brained twat!!

Nuff said.

And that's that really. Busy busy bee.

Right I'm out the door to find a new local

I'll post as and when I get time and/or something interesting actually happens.

Laters.

Easy Krak

2008-05-05T12:53:00.005+01:00

Sooo: I was called on short notice to do a gig in Krakow over the weekend after one of the headlining bands pulled out. So off we all trotted to Poland via (not-so) Easyjet Saturday morning.

Again, sorry about the shite pics, my camera phone refuses to take a picture in focus.

Not really a fan of the old Easy Jet as you kinda have to pay for everything once on-board. Although we did get speedy boarding ( you gotta love the name eh! ) which means you don't have to fight for a decent seat. Complete useless on the return journey though as all it means is that you get on the bus that takes you to the plane first? You still have to fight for a seat when you get to the actual plane?

Bit stupid really.

Still though, we got there.

Weird festival, there was like, 3 hour gaps between each band?? Never heard of anything like that before.

Anyway, great gig, and the band got loads of press whilst playing + some good reviews the next day in the local papers.

+ our own Winnebago for a dressing room

All good

I also got the chance to check out Underworld on the other stage who, I must admit, were shit. They spent the whole gig looking at a bunch of computer screens on-stage with their backs to the crowd. Great!

Superb showmanship lads... Superb /sarcasm.

Went clubbing afterwards to this place that seemed to be full of English stag parties. Not saying much at all to be honest, so I went to bed.

Back on the plane and back home yesterday evening.

I'm off to Poland again next weekend with another band to play in Gdansk, a weird Polish seaside resort.

What else? Oh yes, I've just discovered that I'm staying in this place whilst in Barbados for two weeks working in November. Can't wait, especially for the fact that I haven't had a proper holiday in six years.

Screams of " PROPER FUKIN HOLIDAY MR COKEHEAD, ALL YOU DO IS JET OFF HERE AND THERE YOU TOSER???"

Yeah but it's mostly work.

And that's about the size of that for my weekend.

OK, I'm off out with B and the dogs to enjoy this gloriously sunny day.

That'll teach you you little bugger

Laters

A ring thing

2008-05-01T11:42:00.005+01:00

Sooo: I gave my mate a hand with his boxing night last night, putting up the ring, doing the lights, sorting all the mics out etc. etc. etc.

One thing I've learned though: Assembling a boxing ring with no experience and no instructions = No easy task!

If you thought your Ikea wardrobe and matching bedside cabinet was a pain in the arse to put together ...try one of these fuckers for size!

Took us all bloody afternoon, rather like building adult Meccano...for the brave.

It was always just about finished till you had to fit in the last damn piece. At 5pm we thought we had all the basics laid out when my mate J ( testing the springyness factor of the decking ) reached the middle of the ring and basically disappeared in a cloud of dust through the boards.

Not a good look really.

Oh well, rather him than one of the boxers.

6:30 it was all done, canvass on, ropes on, pads on, no major injuries, a few cut hands... jobs a goodun.

Set up all the lighting and mics, and by 7 we were done.

Turned out to be a wicked night though 6 three round fights , no real injuries, nobody died, everybody happy.

I tell you what though: Boxing when watched ringside is one hell of a tough sport, when you can see the pain in the boxers faces and actually hear the punches landing it's a whole different ball game. I mean, I dabbled in Thai boxing and had a couple of fights when I was a kid, but is wasn't anything compared to this shit.

Good stuff.

I was in charge of the bell too. Ding Ding seconds away and all that.

We took the ring down about 100 x faster then we'd put the damn thing up as well.

Got home around 12:30, had a couple of rum and cokes, watched a film, went to bed.

I'm doing a big install in the venue at the moment, we've decided to put another mixing desk and live set-up in the second 300 capacity room so we can accommodate smaller bands as opposed to the main 1000 capacity room which if you put on a band night and the bands just bring their 100 or so mates it'll appear to be a shit night.

Hopefully this will accommodate them.

And that's about the size of that for the moment, going to Poland next week for a gig. I'm filling in for a mate of mine on a one off thing, should be a good laugh.

Right, I'm off down the polling station to vote for the new Major of London, hopefully we can get rid of that Ken Livingston fucker who's basically making London grind to a halt.

Hopefully. We'll see?

I want this game

Laters

Le gigs

2008-04-21T10:10:00.005+01:00

Sooo: I've just returned from the second visit to France and a wicked little festival La Printemps De Bourges in the centre of France. The festival is located in the centre of the town so no fucking mud to deal with. Kinda mad walking around a festival set on concrete flooring.

Sorry no pics as my camera phone refuses to take a good pic in the dark.

Note to self: Do yourself a favour mate...buy a new bloody digi camera mate.

The gig was a blinder which is good as the festival tends to be full of industry people looking to book up new bands to play in the upper levels of the French touring scene. All good. To be honest, the rest of the bands playing our stage where a combination of dull Jazzy hip hop and Jazz funk, which is OK to listen to in the house, but fukin boring live. I can safely say that we had absolutely no problem annihilating the competition on sat night. I think it was the first time the crowd had actually had a dance all day!

All good.

I was sooo tired and moody after the gig though as we'd been on the road for the best part of a day, so after the gig it was straight back on the bus and straight to bed for me.

The tour manager P got stopped in France for speeding yesterday. The second time in two weeks? He was stopped for being slightly over the limit last week and, to be honest, we got off lightly coz if they'd have searched the bus we'd have all been fucked due to the amount off weed we were carrying.

French take on being over the limit: Small fine and an hour long stay at the side of the road till you're under the limit again. We'll done France...try that in England and it's loss of license, a trip to court and maybe a spell in prison.

Got back to England last night and I sat in drinking a bottle of wine and watching a film. B is in Rome at the moment so I don't think I'll get to see her for a couple of days. Boo!

I'd usually have gone to the pub on my return but, to be honest, I'm going there less and less what with the smoking ban and the current price of drinks ( £3.65 a pint at my local ) it's just not the same any more. If I bump into some mates and start buying rounds, it can work out being a very expensive night out... no wonder so many pubs are going under.

Thanks the British government for destroying another part of why it used to be great being British.

I'm feeling more and more that I no longer want to live in this country. I'm sick of being raped by a government that gives me fuck all in return. It's bullshit and our green and pleasant land is on the verge of becoming a full-on fascist dictatorship. Our government no longer listens to it's voters? It's becoming a farce and something I'm feeling more and more that I no longer want to be a part of.

What the fuck is that about?

Anyway, I digress.

What else? Oh yes, there is talk of a few gigs in Barbados in November. Virgin airlines want to fly us all out there for two weeks, for three gigs which are unpaid, but...we get all our meals, accommodation and a car to zoom about in for the duration + coz it's a mini festival, they need an additional sound engineer (me) to engineer the other shows who will be paid.

Sign me up!

I can think of nothing better than lounging on a beach, going to work in the evenings (doing a job I love) then partying afterwards for two weeks + getting paid for the experience.

I'm bang up for that.

I'm going down to the club tomorrow to see the crew and find out what's been going on in my absence. My mate D ( who I've left in charge ) reports it's all been good. We'll see.

Right, I need to go food shopping so I'm out the door.

Laters

Tour de France

2008-04-14T14:39:00.004+01:00

Sooo: I've just returned from France after a 10 day tour covering about 2500 miles via tour bus.

I'm knackered to say the least. Had a great time though and it was good to be back on tour with the band again.

We've been to Mirabel in the alps, to Bordeaux, to the Loire Valley and Paris and Brittany and all the other places in between. In other words half of bloody France.

I apologise for the crap pictures, my digi camera has gone tits up so these are from my phone camera (thanks Nikon...again!)

Anyway, we did gigs ranging from this:

To this 500 capacity venue in a converted French barn full of nutters:

To this...
The last pics are from the 6500 capacity Zenith venue in Paris, amazing gig , and probably one of the best sound systems ( D&B line array ) I've ever had the privilege of working on. Zenith by name... Zenith by nature.

Apart from the gigs we've had times of getting pissed in the sun all afternoon French style:

To hanging out at the seaside:

To Carp fishing on the band managers private lake ( I swear i'm in the wrong fukin job!! )

No real dramas to report... well apart from me getting pissed on 55% rum one night, and then getting completely lost on the way back to the hotel? The tour manager eventually had to come find me, staggering about in the middle of some rural French town square like some supremely intoxicated British dick-head...

Ooops!

It turned out I had directions to the hotel on a bit of paper in my bloody pocket all along.

H'mm...

Never mind, a good time was had by all I'm thinking.

Plus I brought back a few different bottles of Haut-Medoc AOC Bordeaux Chateau wine ( Arguably the worlds finest wine... I think so anyway ) So I'm kinda happy about that.

I'm off to B's tonight for dinner and I'm sure me and her will polish one off.

Sooo: Three days off now and then we all go back [To France] for more.

What next for band on tour?

Laters

For my friend Miss Digga.

2008-03-31T15:18:00.009+01:00

I'm gonna keep this short because, to be honest, it's too difficult for me to express in words at the moment.

Yesterday we gave a final send off to our beloved friend Marie. Beautiful service...for our beautiful friend. Huge turnout of people. Marie was obviously known and loved by many, many people and I think I can speak for all of those who attended when I say that there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

A very very sad day...

But also a wonderful day of celebration, laughter, tears and a day I'll never forget.

It's a shame you weren't there Marie ( although, of course, you probably were ) at 5:30 in the afternoon, in the upstairs room of the pub where we were all having a sing-along, the sun decided to show it's face for the first time after many, many months of a dark long winter and completely lit up the room.

Was that you dear?

It reminded me of your smile

You brought us the first day of Summer kid, you really did, but hey! That was just you all over.

Anyway I'm gonna stop now cos I'm finding it too difficult to carry on.

Rest in Peace Miss Digga. We love you babe.

For you

xx

Marie

2008-03-24T21:03:00.009Z

To my friend Miss Digga. DJ, looker, dancer and generally lovely person.

Taken from this life prematurely.

RIP Marie, I'm sorry you were taken early

Sooo sad.

You will be missed ( more than you could ever know )

xx

Why All Major Record Labels Deserve To Go Down The Pan.

2008-03-01T14:17:00.008Z

Sooo: In response to the Cracked article Six Music Industry Tricks That Must Die

My response:

What, six you say?

How about....

7. Pop Idol ( or any programme remotely of that format)
8. Brick wall mastering
9. Genre assimilation ( i.e. that single sold so lets copy it just to sell a million units )
10. Squeaky clean song writing
11.Old school record marketing
12. Radio ( pay us money and we'll play your record ) marketing /pay to play
13. Back scratching
14. Assumption that good looking people can make fabulous records
15. Stupid A&R people
16. Fixed award ceremonies
17. Dropping artists after their second album doesn't sell as well as the first
18. Rejection of ( and suing of ) free downloading by people who wouldn't have bought the fucking record in the first place? Read: Building up a fan base
19. The single as a sub marketing ploy for an album ( Pink Floyd didn't need it, Led zeppelin didn't need it, Radiohead don't need it )
20. The [lack of] accepting of anything ( marketing wise ) that goes against the grain.
21. Ripping off artist ( who make you the money in the first fucking place )
22. Assumption that music always = money
23. Annyalation of Simon Cowell ( + his cronies ) and his capitalist music format
24. Major record labels
25. ( One sided) record contracts
26. The practice of remixing a perfectly good tune for the dance floor by giving it to some DJ who then basically slaps a 4/4 beat underneath and charges £5000 for the privilege ( which the artist then pays for from his/her royalties ) This can be done as much as 6-8 times on an artists record = £40,000 off the top before you even get paid.
27. Charging artist for all the meals/nights out/cocaine/sundry expenses that an A&R man will accumulate ( supposedly ) in the interests of your band.
28. Street teams [this is a big no no in my book] : The practice of paying children ( usually in the form of a couple of free Cd's a month ) to rig phone-in quiz shows, websites, forums, award voting systems in favour of one particular band.
29. Chart fixing
30. Seasonal trend fixing i.e. ruining the [once exciting] Christmas Charts. Read: Simon Cowell ) Again!!
31. External producers: Bringing a producer into the fold ( who once probably had a bit of success in the 80's/90's ) to basically charge [you] a fortune whilst sitting at the back of the studio ruining your pride and joy with his pathetic suggestions of how your record could ( and will ) be better.
32. Stifling artists: The art of signing an artist ( usually the competition ) then holding them under contract and never releasing any of their work for the benefit of another artists music.
33. Brick wall mastering ( have I said that already? Well I'm saying it again ) Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering???
34. Thinking that a suit can fix your label. EMI and Guy hands have just spectacularly fucked up on this count to the point that [I predict] EMI will be no more in say five years time. Any artist who actually signs to EMI in it's present state resides in: No. 101 Stupid Cottage, Stupid Lane, Stupid Town, County Stupid, Stupidland SA1 ROFL.

etc. etc. etc.

I'll probably add to this list as time goes on.

How not to fire bomb a nightclub

Laters

A rather heavy Harmonium

2008-02-27T01:05:00.004Z

Sooo: I engineered a Bangladeshi showcase night in Central London tonight. Some extremely good acts. Lot's of weird instruments to mic up though, but some absolutely outstanding vocalists + tea and biscuits ( Maybe a bygone taste of the British Raj? ) in the half time interval.

So yeah...a good night all round.

Funny: there was this girl singing and playing a beautiful old harmonium accompanied by a superb electric guitarist. Halfway through her set I kept hearing this awful banging sound from one of the mics? I noticed after a couple of minutes that it was actually the girl banging the mic with her hand as she pumped the bellows which power the instrument, sooo... I ventured onto the stage to move the mic to a less painful position.

Everybody good...nobody gets hurt.

But... as I walked across the stage I stepped on the fukin guitarists FX pedal board, instantly changing his Pink Floyd like, nice sunset on Goa beach echo reverb guitar effect sound to what I can only describe as huge death metal, distortion from hell, Iron Maiden up your bum, karate chop to the brain, everybody run for your life, doom sounding effect programmed by Satan himself on a bad day.

Ooops!!

I mean fair play to the guitarist, he held it together. I ( obviously ) exited the area, stage right at double speed, tail between my legs, never to be seen again thanks very much.

H'mmm

Apart from that it was a great night, everybody went home at 9.30pm too.

Bonus.

Tomorrow night is the bands first gig of the year.

Central London at some awards ceremony.

Let's just hope that Riggormortis hasn't set in too much after the winter break?

We'll see?

Jacques Brel - Ne me quitte pas

Laters

Light fingerprinting

2008-02-22T14:08:00.002Z

Sooo: Apologies for not blogging, I've been kinda busy what with this and that.

Anyway....

What's been happening? Well we've been having huge rows with Westminster council about emergency lighting down at the club. The council came to inspect the club the other week and because this fukin jobsworth inspector couldn't find anything wrong health and safety wise, he then decided to concoct his own scenario about the emergency lighting?

Basically the emergency lights are there in case of power failure and direct everyone out of the club and toward the emergency exits.

[Captain fukin obvious strikes again!!]

Fair enough.

Our emergency lights are red, have always been red, and have always passed every inspection.

But... Oh no, not on this jobsworth twats watch ? He launches into the spiel about red lights ( as emergency lights ) being illegal and threatens us with closure unless we change them to white lights??

It's a fucking nightclub you tosser!

Anyway, off he trots and returns with the buildings electricians and makes them change all the fluorescent bulbs from red to white? "What's the problem with that " you may say? Well I'll tell you the problem: The problem is that this then lights the club up like a Christmas tree. Even with the houselights off, it felt like you were standing in the middle of some office complex at lunch time with the blinds open on a sunny day??

For a nightclub = Totally unacceptable

We had so many complaints last Friday of " Can you turn the lights off please?" that I was literally pulling my hair out by the time the night finished.

We pulled out all the health and safety documentation shit and have since found out that this jobsworth inspector is completely full of shit. So (of course) we changed the lights back to red.

He can go fuck himself as far as I'm concerned.

The guy will be back tonight for his re-inspection.

Expect fireworks.

What else? Oh yes, now this is interesting.

A mate of mine who works as a school teacher had a visit from the Police the other day. It was one of those visits where the Police come to the school to warn kiddies of the potential dangers of drugs, crime, smoking, drinking and a bit of what the Police actually do, blah blah blah.

Nothing special there then...we all had those visits as kids.

But ( and this is the interesting bit ) The Police gave the kiddies a little project to take home.

This project consisted of the kiddies learning how to take their own finger prints and then returning the kits to the school complete with above said finger prints???

You see where I'm going with this.

Now I'm not quite sure ( neither is my mate ) if the Police are going to come and retrieve these little projects at a later date, but he was told to hang onto them?

What the fuck is that about?

No further comment.

Anyway...

The end of the World

And for those who haven't seen it already:

You suck at Photoshop

It's definitely worth watching the full series of these little gems.

Right... Off to work

Laters

An alarming night out

2008-02-06T13:46:00.000Z

Sooo: I was working a venue Central London last night, couple of bands, nothing to write home about. Same shit different day.

Anyway it got to about 10:30 and the venues fire alarm system went off?

The sound system power was cut, the emergency house lights went on and the security evacuated the building.

It was 10:30 so we decided therefore to just end the night and send everybody home. No biggie really, it happens surprisingly a lot wot with pissed punters smashing fire alarms on the way home 'n' all that.

I rushed around trying to find where the broken alarm was, found it, reset the alarm system , powered the venue back up and then I noticed...

....all the tills had been smashed open?

The venue had been robbed???

Right under our fukin noses.

In under 15 mins flat?

Not a trace on the cameras either? For some stupid reason (which I can't actually work out ) as the venue powers down into emergency mode. So do the fukin camers???

Whether the robbers actually knew this or not I don't know.

I would say probably not to be honest.

Yep...all the till locks had been smashed ( not a difficult job really with a hammer, a screwdriver and a couple of minutes. You'd have never heard it with the sound of the alarms going off ) but... these fukin chancers had made off with all the cash.

Unbelievable!

I mean hats off to them...genius idea.

The Police said they'd seen this before, but never in a packed venue full of punters, staff and security?

Must have been planning it for a while I guess.

The mad thing was that the venue manager was in his office the whole time and I was running about the place trying to find out which alarm had been smashed.

Never saw or heard a thing the whole time?

Clever.

Very clever!

Ninja robbers even.

Hope they enjoyed the crack fest the robbery probably paid for?

H'mm

Todays internet site of mesmerizing worthiness.

Laters

Birthday niceness

2008-01-29T19:00:00.000Z

Sooo: Sunday I was taken to a beautiful hotel by B for my birthday.

Lovely room, views of the river...awrfully posh.

Nice. Very very nice.

We chatted over a superb three course dinner and then relaxed in the bar getting pissed on expensive bottles of Barolo and Beaujolais-Villages.

All followed by many fine Hors d’Oeuvres de shag in the room till the wee hours.

I could get used to that.

+ she gave me a fukin superb North Face mountain jacket as a pressie . I'll never be cold on the streets of London ( or any other place for that matter ) again. It's gonna rock when it comes to touring again as it kinda splits into two more jackets for the summer.

B... you fukin rock honey x

The next morning, full English breakfast in bed.

Hotel operator: How would sir likes his eggs?

Me: Errr I dunno? Medium rare.

I think I was maybe still a bit pissed.

We prised ourselves away from the hotel at noon the next day, went back to B's and took the dogs out for a long walk.

Back to B's for a spot of chillaxin and a Thai curry I knocked up.

All in all I feel very relaxed from the whole experience.

Oh well, back to the real world.

Gonna do a spot of work with my mate N soon. Sooo Looking forward to it.

He's recently got himself a spot as an EAR ( Emerging Artist in Residence ) at the Royal Festival Hall, I'm gonna do some live record with him down there.

Seemingly every time the in-house guys have tried to record him, the finished mixes have sounded rubbish?

For somebody working at such a prestige venue that's just a bit pathetic?

I'd give my right arm to work there and if the work isn't up to scratch mate, whoever you are...I'm having your job.

End of.

N's work:

Top stuff indeed.

Destroy a website today.

Right, I need food.

laters

( lack of ) String theory

2008-01-23T13:28:00.000Z

Ooops!

It's all good doing the 'Who' smashing things up matey boy...

But...

...not so good when you wake up the next morning and realise you're in an unsigned student band and you can't actually afford a new guitar?

Meh!!!

Sooo: What's happening?

Well I went to view the houseboat the other day and it was all very lovely but:

A. The mooring fees are ridiculous.
B. What the photos didn't show was the fukin hideous industrial estate in the other direction ( complete with 24hr recycling plant and big crane car crushing scrap yard thing ?? )
C. It was bloody freezing ( even after the heating had been on for a full hour )
D. Insurance for a houseboat ( especially one with a recording studio on board ) is verging on the insane.
E. The lease was stupidly short.
F. You had to walk about half a mile ( with no other access ) down a towpath to get to the damn thing.

Oh and did I mention the gypos at number 52??

So I guess we'll give that one a miss and look for something else.

Never mind eh!

What else? Oh yes!

The gigs are flying in for yet another action packed year of touring the world.

Loads of shows, a tour of France, lots of festivals etc. etc. etc.

Should be a good one, that's kinda cheered me up no end. Christmas and this whole period of the year just makes me feel uber depressed.

Let's have some sunshine for fucks sake, I'm sooo sick of the cold and the bloody grey skies??

Anyway expect another year of carnage, although I'm gonna try and be a bit better behaved then I was last year ( note the try bit ) .

H'mmm?

At least it'll give me something to write about?

It's my Birthday Friday. I'm actually working but B is taking me to an extremely posh hotel Sunday for a night of fine dining, champagne drinking, whirlpool bathing and ( I expect ) a whole load of naughty tickling.

She's an angel bless.

And that's that for now.

I find this really sad ( but also quite well...dunno? ) :

Are you having a fucking laugh??

laters

Cruise Creatures

2008-01-19T15:50:00.000Z

OMG this is soooo funny

Fucking fuck me!!!!!

Just had to post these two. Gotta work so gotta run.

Laters

Vote Boat!

2008-01-16T15:11:00.000Z

Sooo: I'm looking into buying this houseboat.

No really...I am!!

Remember a while ago my landlady was thinking about selling the house I live in, moving back to Ireland ( she's bought a farm there ) and then giving me a whole heap of cash to find her ( and me ) a base where she can come back to London twice a year for visits and basically I'll look after it the rest of the year.

We'll it's happened.

The house has been sold pending contracts etc. and I'm looking for a new place to live.

We both sat down before Christmas and came to the conclusion [that] because of the spiraling housing costs in London (I've been given £300,000 to spend and all I can find is ex-council shit holes and pokey little 2 bedroom flats with paper thin walls and no character wot-so-fukin-ever??)

Then... Why don't we look at the alternatives?

i.e. Houseboats?

I'm telling you London housing is seriously out of fukin control??

Seriously?

Yeah...let's go look at some houseboats.

Sooo... I am!

I'm going to view this one either tomorrow or early next week.

A bit of peace and quiet in the midst of London's chaos.

Pretty excited really.

So is the landlady.

It's got 3 good sized bedrooms, a large living space and office, modern shower room, brand spanking fitted Neff kitchen ( complete with oven, dishwasher, washing machine etc.) roof terrace , phone line, wifi, the lot really.

And...all with a bit of character.

It'll make a superb space for the studio with enough change ( we're thinking, ) to install a wind turbine and some solar panels for free electricity and hot water.

We'll see?

There's an awful lot to be taken into consideration and a lot of questions to be asked i.e. mooring fees, marine surveys, council tax situation, insurance etc. etc. etc. But all in all I'm kinda excited.

The good thing is that you can't get mortgages on these things ( doesn't matter if your buying cash ) Which kinda leaves you in leverage fukin city as far as deal negotiations are concerned.

All good.

Still... I won't count my chickens eh?

Also: Sorry bout the lack of posting of late. I was a bit down over the Christmas period what with the cold and the dark and the lack of parents + various other thing that are getting to me at the moment.

But... onwards and upwards as they say. New Year, new start eh?

Inappropriate children's books

Fail!

Laters

Poetic justice

2008-01-06T06:26:00.000Z

David Lynch says it all.

Sooo: Funny as fuck.

I rewind to my mate A getting kicked out of that party on New Years Eve.

The scene:

My mate A is really really pissed

I'm looking after him

I sit him down for ten minutes to sober up before I take him home

But

This twat took it upon himself to play bouncer. Basically he hovered over my mate A till he left.

His standard comment was: " leave now!!"

" leave now!!"

" leave now!!"

No butts

" leave now!!"

Bit of an intimidating fuck this guy ( some 20 year old who fancied the party hostess and was trying to make his mark by applying his weight? ) But...there you go.

We left before we kinda killed him.

He thought he was sooo fukin special.

Sooo special

so special?

So fukin what

Dickhead!

Anyway... Went to work at the venue tonight and it soooo turns out this guy ( party kicking out guy ) is.... wait for it...

wait for it...

is

one of my new junior bar staff.

Brilliant!

It went from ( in his head ) "That's that idiot who I kicked out of your party" (aren't I the hero)

To:

OMG that's actually the guy who runs the club that I'm a nOOb bar person at.

Couldn't have set up the scene better if I'd tried.

HA!!

I spent the whole night making ( naive 20 year old ) sweat his sorry little pants off.

Every time I approached him...

he shit bricks.

And...

I loved every fukin minute

Poetic justice

Personified

And then some

I'm not one for revenge

but

It was sooo much fun

I guess the moral of the story is: If you wanna play games and stuff- just know

Eh!

Just know

Just know who you're dealing with

good job I have absolutely no fukin conscience

wot so ever

eh!

lol!!

love you all

Laters

Balloon buffoon!

2008-01-03T16:00:00.001Z

Jenghenge, complete with druid, wand and sacrificial alter. ( Don't ask! )

Sooo: Happy new year all. Sorry bout the lack of posting of late, it's been a hectic couple of weeks.

New Years eve I actually worked ( and got kinda pissed ) Couple of things happened of note:

A: The promoter decided it would be a really great idea to make a balloon drop thing ( to see in the new year ) and then tie it all up in the lighting truss frame. Trouble is though that when I came to turn on all the lights in the venue, he'd tied the fukin thing around all the moving heads ( you know, the twisty spiny lights you get in venues. ) Which then proceeded to spring into action churning up all the netting holding the balloons, bursting virtually every balloon, burning out several ( very ) expensive moving head motors and resulting in all out venue chaos as I scrambled to trip the light breakers before the whole fukin light frame caught fire?? Talk about a mess, it took us about an hour to untangle the damn thing from the lights. Stupid stupid idiot! I swear, some people have no common sense... wotsoever?

And:

B: My mate A.

I bumped into A a couple of weeks ago and invited him to the venue to see in the New Year. Bad mistake! A proceeded to get sooo fukin drunk that I had to baby sit him all night? He made such an arse of himself that it became embarrassing even by my standards, and all in front of the people I have to work with on a regular basis. It came to the end of the night and A just wouldn't sodding go home, so I dragged him off with me to a party...where he then proceeded to get himself ( and me as I'd brought him with me ) kicked out in spectacular fashion, something about him being naked in the toilet??? I dunno, I didn't see it??

I took A home and realised I'd left my fukin phone at the above said party? But...luckily I managed to track down one of my mates J via Facebook ( thank gawd for mobile phone internet ) who located the phone. I then had to travel back to central London, collect the phone and apologise to the organiser of the party before returning home feeling completely shitty from far too much booze.

I slept all day yesterday.

Sooo: Good start to the New Year then eh?

I'm gonna go meet with B in a while for a wee drink down the local.

And that's about the size of that really. To be honest, I'm just glad to get the silly season out of the way.

Gawker top 10 videos 2007

Rave generator: Totally rocks

Laters

A non christmas thing

2007-12-19T01:51:00.000Z

Sooo: Chrimbo, I've been such a bad boy.

I guess this time of year kinda fucks me up.

It's difficult when you party all year round to enter everybody else's 'once a year' party zone. It just doesn't sit properly? It's like: "What do I do? push the boat out more ( if that's actually possible? ) Or sit back and chill the fuck out?"

The latter is always the better option. I guess?

After this year, I really really can't party anymore at the mo.

I just don't feel the need too.

Had enough already... for now.

You lot carry on though. You deserve it.

I'll just listen to Radiohead thanks.

Anyway. I digress.

Words of wisdom for Christmas ( I abide by non of this by the way? )

...And it shows.

Love your folks when they're still around ( coz if you don't you'll regret it terribly )
Really think about what your giving people for presents.
Enjoy yourself ( for once )
Get all nostalgic ( it's the time of year for it... )
If you love someone. Make a fucking effort for once. For crying out loud. Just do it. No buts eh?
Don't worry.
You're alive. Seemingly!
Watch some TV ( 'It's a wonderful life' can be a good start. )
Next year will be better.
It always is.
Decorate your home. 'A change is as good as a rest'
Be happy
pay your taxes
Don't do drugs
ever
Make stuff mean stuff
educate yourself
the work is worth the result
don't ever ever get involved in any sort of creative industry
unless it's advertising
and it pays well
always see what you don't see
it always. always right in front of you
don't write anyone off
ever
unless they write you off first
everybody deserves a chance
or a second glance
remember the saying : " What came first? The Chicken or the egg?"
Well fuck me! evolution came first.
I digress

Dear me. Going into one there a bit.

Christmas

It just confuses the fuck out of me

Going to be.

Just get this and listen OK ( especially '4 minute warning' coz really, it don't get much better than this!)

Laters

So

Jeez Louise, whatever next?

The Jobsworth Sat night twat.

2007-12-12T02:25:00.000Z

Note: This story is in no way racist. Merely a cross-cultural observation of the events that unfolded.

Before you start!

Sooo: We finished up in the venue Sat night at around 3:30am. A bunch of us ( around 30 bar staff and doorman ) had all chipped in the £180 it takes to buy a corporate Sky 'pay as you go' license ( it's a business premises remember ) to watch the big fight on the venues huge video screen.

I tuned the sound system so that we could all get the full effect i.e. loads of bass and mid for that 'you could actually be ring side in Vegas' vibe.

All good.

We stocked up and bought 4 crates of beer and a few of bottles spirits, mixers and assorted bar snacks from the bar manager ( he was going home and therefore locking up the bar area ) We brought seating onto the dance floor in front of the screens and all kicked back for the big event.

All very good.

I'd been looking forward to this for all day for two reasons really: A. the actual fight and B. the fact that cos it was private viewing i.e. nobody working and nobody selling anything therefore I could relax and ( for once ) have a fukin cigarette in my bloody venue.

I'm sure this is what it felt like in the 1930's prohibition Chicago Speakeasy era.

Crazy but... It's what I ( and quite a few of the other staff) had been dreaming of doing all night.

Anyway: We all relaxed, opened our beers, lit our cigarettes and sorta kicked back to watch the biggest boxing match in almost ten years.

Again...all good.

Till...

Out the corner of my eye I caught one of the buildings Nigerian ( not that it matters, I'm just setting the scene so you know ) night security staff hovering in the wings expecting to bunk off and watch the fight for free??

"He can watch." I thought. We all need a break from the tediums of work now and again.

Ding ding.. Round one.

I light up a cigarette.

Bliss

But oh fukin no!

What's the first thing this fucking arse-wipe does?

He comes over to me and tells me to put my cigarette out??

I'm like: " Errr No! "and he then pipes up: " Listen...don't make my job any harder than it already is, just put out the cigarette! "

What the fuck?

Harder than your job already is mate? You're bunking off [your job] gate crashing our party and it's only coz you have keys and I'm playing the: 'Yeah he can watch, why not...it's Christmas an all that' card that this guy actually has any kind of fukin access to our little jolly-up anyway ???

He continues to protest?

You can imagine my reaction to this? It's 4:30 in the morning at a private screening in my fucking venue and some jobsworth tosser is telling me what I can and can't do?

Of course I protest in return.

Big time!

So you know what this cunt does next in his little Hitler power trip of trips?

He calls his superior?

On his likkle radio

"I'll tell me dad if you don't stop. Then I'll cry. Boo fukin hoo!!"

His superior ( another Nigerian power monger ) turns up uninvited?

What did we ever do to you lot to make you hate us and feel the need to tell us what to do sooo fukin much?

And especially from a country that perpetrates the largest amount of illegal scams on the face of the planet.

I mean come on?

Err...you don't have to answer that. British colonialism and all that.

I digress

Anyway

This then leads to an almost epic battle of ( others have joined in by this point ) Smoking ban Law verses Jobsworth twats verses "The venue ain't even open you cunts" verses " Well you ain't supposed to be here after hours?" verses " Well neither are you mate and what the fuck are you on about anyway, we can be here whenever it pleases us, it's our fucking venue?" verses " We can call the Police? verses " Do it and you're out of a job ( both of you! ) verses " We will" verses "So you're telling us that at 2 in the morning when there's no traffic on the road you've never broken the speed limit in your car cos that's illegal too you know??" verses " No I've never done that" verses " fuck off you haven't?"

Blah blah blah etc. etc. etc.

And...we all missed the actual fight we'd all actually chipped in to actually watch.

Although I must add that our battle was probably a little more interesting.

It was only when our ( off duty ) door security ( two of whom were in on the argument I might add ) stepped in that this didn't end up in a punch up of it's own?? Coz I tell you what? I was game as hell.

What a bunch of fukin jobsworth?

Really...

These twats completely screwed up our evening.

Anyway...the outcome of this was that we all left the venue pissed off and emails have been flying between us and them ever since about the complete downright jobsworth actions of the guys crazy lunacy for our [pathetic nanny state] laws?

" Oh...is it illegal then??? Well fuck me, we'll all be doing drugs next if not kept in check eh?"

What the fuck!

What a bunch of titmunchers!

I guess the point of all this is that these guys shouldn't have been in the venue anyway... let alone telling us what to do?

Their superior superiors have actually offered us a complete apology.

But really...bit fukin late now ain't it?

I'll get my coat.

Laters

On my [watery] soap box.

2007-12-06T14:26:00.000Z

Sooo: Been well busy this week, run up to Christmas and all that.

Did a very interesting gig the other night. Some ex soap star doing the rounds with his band?

I don't think that I've ever worked such a manically busy night, the venue was sooo mobbed that it was actually a chore getting from the mixing desk to the stage and back again. This bloke had women chucking knickers at him and everything ( literally? )

Not bad for what was basically a jumped up karaoke set of other peoples tunes?

All sung pretty badly as well to be honest.

Had some idiot trying to get the drumsticks from the stage hassling the fuck out of me as I was de-rigging the venue.

Complete pain in the arse he was too.

Note to that person: Why the fuck would you want the broken drumsticks from the drummer of some has-been soap stars band??? I mean Radiohead or Floyd yeah but...soap star bods backing band??

Really... get a life?

Also some chick asking me for a bottle of water so I passed her a full one from an on-stage pack lingering in the wings.

" Nooo! " She screams.

"I want that one!!" Pointing to a half empty, soap star infested, beaten up bottle of Volvic ?

I chucked it at her.

I really thought she was gonna cum right there and then as she scuttled off in soapy infested Volvic bliss??

Same applies: Get a life pet?

The meet and greet afterwards lasted till 1:30am??

I had to wait till it was over to shut the venue down.

Naturally I just got pissed at the bar and waited.

Got soap star guy to sigh me a poster for the sound booth wall saying: Thanks ........ I love you, I've always loved you!"

Rofl!

Rolfmunster!

Rolfmunster 'o' gram!!

etc.

Christmas, it all just goes tits up don't it?

Bibi's taking me for dinner tonight... all good.

Super cool...lol!

Ha ha.. Northern telemarketing man fights back.

Laters

Christmas...it's here again?

2007-12-03T13:55:00.000Z

Sooo: Sorry haven't writing lately, been a wee bit busy what with all the Christmas parties and wot not starting up. Busy week this week too, couple of parties, couple of band nights etc.etc. etc.

Stayed at Bibi's all weekend, the usual talking, shagging, walking the dogs, having Sunday Lunch. She's been nothing but nice to me since our little falling out and subsequent chat. No hissy fits, no moodiness. All good in that department.

Time will tell though?

Last week was the usual assortment of mediocre bands and not that busy club nights. Funny how the start of December is always dead and then the last 2 weeks before Christmas day go absolutely bonkers. I guess everybody is trying to save money for the big financially crippling let down that is Christmas and New Year.

Really really can't be bothered with the whole thing this year and , to be honest, I'd rather it was over and out of the way.

I'm actually gonna work New Years eve, I rather make a few hundred quid then spend a whole lot more.

What else? Oh yeah, my car failed it's MOT last week...miserably? And all on stupid little things that won't be cheap to fix i.e. little bit of fluid leaking on suspension = new fukin suspension? Tiny leak in the exhaust = new fukin exhaust? ABS light coming on under heavy braking = new ABS system, minute crack in the Number plate = new bloody number plate etc. etc. etc.

Not what you need around Christmas to be honest.

Oh well!

Nothing a few trips to eBay and a spanner won't fix. I kinda like a bit of a challange as well sooo....

And that's that.

Evil Knievel Dead???

For anyone wondering what exactly Emma Clark ( the voice of London Underground ) actually said to get herself sacked. Here is the full list...brilliant.

Laters

Mandarin madness

2007-11-27T13:54:00.000Z

Sooo: Last night I got roped into doing a Chinese/Japanese/Someotherbuggerese talent showcase for my mate D ( on account that he's dying in bed with much the same sort of food poisoning/stomach bug that I had last week? )

He told me about this thing and I'm like: " Mate, a what...really, fuck off, do I have to? Oh... OK then, just coz your ill"

I'm sooo glad I did though.

Talk about being moved to tears (literally) behind the mixing desk.

Sooo fukin funny.

Apart from the usual terrible versions of Japanese pop songs ( What is it with Japanese screeching power ballads eh? They really do reach extraordinary heights of walling shiteness? )
it turned out to be a legendary evening.

The highlights included:

The Simon and Chibunkle version of ' Widge over woubled water' ( I will way thee drown? )

Won't wop me wow ( I'm hawing much a wood twine... I'm waving a wall )/ We will we will wok you. By Qween

The Spice (rice) girls rendition of twooo become won.

And my personal ( all time favorite ) version of Oasis 'Wonderwall' into Pink Floyds 'Wish you were here' Medley accompanied by ( badly played ) piano and (out of tune) classical guitar.

Totally fukin laughed my pants off.

Easily a youtube 100,000 hitter.

OMG I sooo wished you were there.

Fukin hilarious... In the extreme.

Half way through I've got some girl screaming at me in Chinese to turn her up in the monitor. I knew exactly what she wanted, but...because I don't actually speak any kind of Mandarin... I just played ignorant till she got it into her little head to actually ask me in English?

Five minutes and a little school girl giggling fit (to herself) later...she got what she wanted?

The night finished about 9pm ( I'm sure these people don't have the ability to party past 10pm) , I packed up the stage, shut up ( the technical side ) of the venue and returned home on the tube still inwardly pissing myself with laughter.

I sooo wish I'd had the means to record the whole thing. It would've made a brilliant podcast.

Never mind eh.

Next time though, if D asks me to engineer one of those nights again: I'm jumping at the chance.

Classic

Free and uneasy

Laters.