Brianna's Blog

Just Opt Out

2009-06-23T18:38:00.003-04:00

At the ripe old age of twenty two, most of the girls I went to elementary and high school with are married or divorced. Many have children. If I were frum and not married at my age, I would be quickly approaching nebach status, dreading my twenty third birthday. But instead, I am exactly where I want to be. I just graduated college, got promoted at work and live with my boyfriend.

In my new world, it is perfectly normal to wait to get married. No one bats an eyelash if you are twenty eight and not married. Because getting married at all isn't viewed as necessary, and more importantly women are not judged as more or less important based on their marital status. What does it say about a society when a woman is nothing without a husband? Doesn't that sound like an attitude more suited for the middle ages than year 2009?

It is understandable that many frum singles feel depressed. After all, when your purpose in the world is to get married and have children, how exactly are you supposed to feel if you have not found that special someone yet? (This also applies, although less so, to couples experiencing infertility.) To make matters worse, since many frum people do not date casually getting married is the only real validation they get that they are considered truly desirable by someone of the opposite sex.

So what do you do if you are not a top tier commodity that everyone is running after for dates? Should you crawl into a cave somewhere and cry your life away, as you work at a heimishe office for $15 an hour? I say no. There is an option that you probably have not considered, and that is to just opt out. I'm not saying to go to the nearest McDonald's and order a cheeseburger, but definitely look at your life and where it's headed. Where do you want to be in ten years. What will happen if you don't get married?

No one wants to think about it, but you should. It's important to. Do you really want your life to be dependant on whether or not you get married? My advice is to just put that on hold and make something of yourself. Go to law school or something. Sitting around makes you pathetic and undesirable. If you're busy, dynamic and passionate that is extremely attractive - to the right guy anyway. If you were brainwashed in seminary to only date kollel guys, change that pronto. You'll start dating a different class of man, a man who works for a living and is on planet earth.

I have always found it ironic that kollel has so little to do with spirituality and living simply and so much to do with being better than everyone else, leeching money from your parents (or in-laws) and living in luxury (take a look around Lakewood!). Single kollel guys are usually the most stuck-up about shidduchim. They will want to know how old you were when you were potty trained and whether your mother dyes the hair under her wig (chas v'shalom) instead of what you are like as a person.

But I digress. You are not the problem. The shidduch system is pitted against those who are not slender and gorgeous, with perfect reputations and unblemished family histories. You don't have to put up with it if you don't want to. You can just opt out.

TV Writers

2009-05-11T22:21:00.002-04:00

When I was a teenager I decided briefly that I wanted to be a tv writer. It was one of many possible careers I flirted with. The irony was that I really had no familiarity with television at all at that point. However, the research I did gave me a little perspective.

TV writers are an incestuous bunch. They eat at the same restaurants, type on their laptops at the same coffee shops and have intersecting groups of friends. It's a phenomenon that is unique to LA as far as I know, and it has some interesting affects. Basically, tv shows start to resemble each other. Since all the writers talk to all the other writers, the same plot devises start to show up in all the tv shows at the same time.

It's starting to become really ridiculous. Several shows are currently using hallucinations as a plot devise. The Unsuals, Grey's Anatomy, Bones, Fringe and House. And probably more that I'm not aware of. Coincidence? I think not. Writers, I'm on to you. I used to think I wasn't worthy of joining your ranks but now I know I dodged a bullet. You're supposed to be creative. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

[By the way, there are some exceptions. Lost, for example, is filmed in Hawaii. I suspect that the writers are there as well and their isolation might explain why Lost hasn't "lost" its touch.]

My New Watch

2009-03-29T03:05:00.002-04:00

The silver lining of this recession is the fact that certain luxury goods have dropped in price dramatically. I don't have anywhere to put a jacuzzi but when I saw a great deal on Amazon for a watch I would have never otherwise been able to afford, I pounced.

It's from Stuhrling and normally goes for $345. I got it in the mail recently and it is even nicer in person. I am in love with it. It's sophisticated and feminine. It's nice enough to wear in a corporate setting (for when I land that dream job) but not too fancy to wear with denim. Since it's self winding I won't ever have to figure out how to replace a watch battery either and that's a bit of a relief.

So here's what happened with Amazon. I bought it and during the time it took to ship the price went down by $18 or so. Although I loved the watch, I was disappointed that I lost out by not waiting two days to place my order. I did some quick online research (read: Googling) and determined that Amazon used to have a policy that refunded any price changes within thirty days of purchase but stopped doing it last year.

So I did something that I had never done before: I e-mailed Amazon. I explained the situation in a polite way and requested that the difference be refunded. I was pleasantly surprised by the response (which was very speedy by the way):

Hello from Amazon.com.

Thanks for contacting us about the recent price change on "Stuhrling Original Women's Cupid Automatic Watch Set #109SET". I recognize you have a choice of retailers and appreciate that you prefer to order from us. Unfortunately, we do not have a post-order price guarantee.

I've reviewed your order and see that the price change was significant and you just received this item from us.

Under the circumstances, I'll make a one-time exception for you and issue a refund for the price difference in the amount of $18.85(including tax). You should see the refund in the next 2-3 business days.

Please understand that I'm issuing this refund because of the exceptional circumstances, and I'm doing this for you against our standard policy.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A PRICE GUARANTEE?
While we don't always beat the best available price on every product, we do offer deep discounts on many thousands of items. From time to time, prices on some items will change due to special offers from suppliers and manufacturers or our inventory and sales volumes. When we can offer a lower price for new purchases we will, but we cannot extend these discounts to completed orders.

Thanks for shopping at Amazon.com. We look forward to your next visit.

There are lots of sites out there where people voice their displeasure about how they are treated by retailers. Satisfied customers are never as vocal as ones that are unhappy. That's just the way life works, but a motto I have adopted is to be the change you wish to see in the universe. Amazon did a great job and they deserve a shout out. I can now enjoy my new watch without feeling even a twinge of regret.

Pesach Price Gouging

2009-03-24T20:48:00.002-04:00

You'd think that with my new life I'd hardly be aware of the upcoming holiday. But since capitalism is still hanging on by a thread, local grocery stores are tripping over themselves to provide stacks upon stacks of the Pesach goods that are already being bought by the cartload. And I'm not just talking about the local heimishe stores. My local Pathmark starts reorganizing their aisles for Pesach at least three months before anyone has picked up their first broom.

They don't do it because they have such abundant love for frum Jews, oh no. They cater to the frum community because they are willing to pay any price for Pesach goods. Really. My favorite half sour pickles just happen to be OUP all year 'round, and they suddenly jumped in price from $3 to $6 in the space of a week. It's a real hassle for me because the non heimeshe brands really don't cut it for half sour pickles. Luckily for me, pickles are the only food I will have to go without for the next few weeks.

If you are unfortunate enough to only use heimishe brands during Pesach, you have my sympathies. In the event that you managed to salvage any retirement funds at all after the stock market crash, they will be eaten up (literally) by your Pesach shopping. Everthing from sugar to grapejuice to gefilte fish will magically have astronomical price tags on them in honor of Pesach. Because it's a monopoly and they know you have to pay it. I'm curious to know how much the "superfrum" matzas are going to be per pound this year.

Although Jewish holidays were not the reason I stopped being frum, I have to say that every time one comes around I smile and feel truly glad that I don't have to put up with this nonsense. No obssessive cleaning. No wierd diet restrictions. I mean let's face it: They don't explain (and I mean really explain) the wonders of Pesach to prospective Baalei Teshuva at Aish [Brainwashing] Seminars for a good reason. Because this is one of many aspects of Judaism that makes you more likely to go insane - and broke - than be enriched.

Oh so back to the price gouging. Apparently the Rabbis did what they do best (and characteristically decades too late) - they banned price gouging of Pesach food. As if that's going to do any good. Exactly how are they going to determine what the fair going rate of a product is? Some pesach food is very difficult to manufacture at the standards people demand, and if the company can't fetch enough money for the product they will stop producing it. And even if they did find a way to determine where the price gouging was taking place, what exactly do they plan to do about it? The whole thing is such a joke.

Purim Is Scary

2009-03-10T19:43:00.002-04:00

When I was a kid, Halloween was a night we dreaded. We stayed in and kept the lights off to avoid any prospective trick-or-treaters. And we saw the results of the festivities the next morning: egged cars, shaving cream and toilet paper. And perhaps some candy wrappers.

In contrast, Purim was fun. We got dressed up in costumes and drove around town delivering baskets full of treats to all our friends. A task that would have normally been pretty fast took hours because of the sheer chaos on the roads. Drivers stopped their cars in middle of the road to shmooze, oblivious of the honking behind them. Drunk yeshiva bachurim swerved, narrowly missing pedestrians and other drivers. Hyper kids overloaded on sugar were everywhere. As I look back, all that fun might not have been such a good thing.

When you really sit down and think about it, Purim is an insane holiday. People are actually encouraged to get drunk. Just in case someone might think that the mitzva is to drink but not to excess, it says specifically to drink until you don't know the difference between Mordechai and Haman. That, my friends, means drinking to excess. And it says nothing about refraining from driving while doing said drinking. Okay, operating a horse and wagon - they wouldn't have known about cars when this stuff was written.

I wisely stayed off the roads today. I have had enough of the chaos. The clogged roads, the honking horns, the decorations that regularly fall off moving cars. It's pretty scary actually.

Oh The Things You CAN'T Do

2009-03-02T20:05:00.003-05:00

Recently, a woman posted on Hashkafah.com that she was thinking of buying a bike. She liked the idea of getting some exercise while simultaneously having a convenient method of transportation. Although she would of course avoid religious neighborhoods during her excursions, she was still very concerned that her bike riding habits might come back to bite her when trying to marry off her children down the road. Yes, I'm serious.

Something I haven't thought about in a while is the amount of purely social restrictions Orthodox Jews take upon themselves. Each on its own isn't really a big deal. But all together, they are truly stifling - especially for women. How many women are careful to apply makeup and wear a perfectly styled wig every time they leave the house for shidduchim? I'm sure there are more than a few. And then there's all the "Can'ts".

You can't own a dog.
You can't send your daughter to school out of town.
(If you're a man) you can't wear a shirt that's a color other than white.
You can't have any problems (physical or emotional) - if you do you must go to great lengths to conceal them.
You can't have exceptional talents especially if you're a woman.

The list goes on. There was this girl I knew a while ago who was a talanted dancer - mostly ballet. But when she started to get too good, her parents forced her to stop taking lessons. Her life spiraled out of control after that, and she's not in a very good place these days. Another girl lived close to an ice skating rink and was very good, but last I heard she was sent off to seminary and somehow I doubt there are many ice rinks over there.

It may surprise you, but most kids are told that they can grow up to be anyone, to do anything. All they'd have to do is dream big enough and try hard enough. But there is a limit lower than the sky for frum children - especially girls. There is a whole list of professions that aren't feasible for Jews for various reasons (kosher, shabbos, Jewish holidays), and an even longer list that are restricted for Jewish women because they're not tznius enough, garner too much attention or are simply not fit for a Bas Yisroel.

A frum woman can't be a television news anchor, an Olympic gymnast or an auto mechanic. A frum little girl can't dream of becoming a ballerina or a racecar driver. She can't be anything she wants to be. Instead, she can choose from the list of majors at Touro. She can dream of speech therapy or occupational therapy - or perhaps psychology. And if she's really out there she could choose math or accounting. Because when you're frum, you don't get to choose your destiny. It's all conveniently laid out for you.

My friend's sister went to medical school several years ago. She is an extremely intelligent frum woman who intended on lending her expertise to the frum community, one which was certainly in need of a frum female doctor. Her high school refused to send her transcripts and the community in general caused many problems. In the end, she prevailed. She now has her own practice and cares for the children of the very people who caused her so much anguish. If you are an idealistic young frum person, know that individuality and independance is strongly discouraged in your world. I wish you lots of luck.

My Experience on the Tappen Zee

2009-02-23T20:31:00.002-05:00

Today, I was driving along on the Tappen Zee minding my own business. The wind was insane; I could literally feel it trying to pull my poor little car off course. Then, between Sean Hannity's rantings about Obama's socialist Stimulus Package and mulling over the fact that my latest paper was chewed up and spat back by the only professor who forces me to produce what I'm capable of, a piece of metal came out flying out of a truck directly in front of me. It was relatively big and looked like it was a machine part of some kind.

There was no way for me to avoid it at fifty miles an hour. My mind was full of panicked white noise as my car hit the thing and I knew one of my tires was flat. Very, very flat. I didn't try to keep going since I didn't want to damage the axle. So I pulled over and put my blinkers on. In middle of the Tappen Zee bridge. At 4:30pm. It wasn't quite rushhour but no one was happy. Some people honked their horns, as if I had this experience planned on my schedule right between school and making dinner.

So I got my head together, pulled out my cellphone and AAA card and called the number. They were kind enough to transfer me to the bridge patrol people, who got there within ten minutes. My spare was on soon after that and I was back on the road. After a one hour excursion to get the tire replaced, the whole ordeal was over. I was a little rattled and slightly poorer, but no worse for the wear. I actually got pretty lucky considering. If I had been a tiny bit closer to the truck that big metal thing would have smashed right through my windshield at top speed.

But it didn't. I'm alive and well. And that's always a plus.

A Point For The Other Team

2009-02-15T20:24:00.002-05:00

There's always one thing. When everything is perfect you can count on the fact that one little thing will come along and deflate your balloon, causing you to float back down to reality land. For me that thing is that my boyfriend has no interest in having children. Ever. There are a bunch of reasons which I won't go into. And they are logical reasons. Nevertheless, I still want to have kids. Not now. Not next year. But someday.

Being that our relationship is really wonderful, we both have an interest in resolving this little issue (who am I kidding - it's a pretty big issue). It shouldn't really be so difficult. After all, it's not like I'm like that ridiculous, radical OctoMom. I just want two or three kids maximum, not fourteen. But with kids, you can't really compromise. There's a pretty huge difference between one kid and none. So we are at a stalemate. It's not relevant most of the time since we are both college students at the moment and are a long way off from that stage of life. But we both know that this issue is looming in the distance, waiting to sabatoge us.

Every time we go to a restuarant, the mall or a grocery store we usually manage to have one experience or another with a small child. They are unavoidable and seemingly everywhere. Perhaps it is the surprising amount of noise they make considering their size. Or the messes they seem to produce on a continual basis. So it has become a tradition for us that whenever one is cute and smiley and I can't help cooing, he will roll his eyes. And I consider that a point for my side of the arguemnt. And whenever a baby is screaming at the top of his little lungs or a toddler throws a temper tantrum, he will smirk knowingly at me as if to say: "See? This is what the little monsters are really like." And he wins a point for his team.

Regardless of how this all turns out in the end, I am glad that I have had the experience of evaluating why I want children. To really think about the pros and cons and what my motivations really are. I suspect that most people just do it because it's what you do. You date because you don't want to be alone. You get married because you fall in love (hopefully - there are worse reasons). And then once you're married you have kids because your parents are bugging you about producing grandchildren or because your friends have them or because you want to make a mini-me or because your biological clock is ticking so loudly you can't hear the difference between it and your grandfather clock.

The difference between me and many pre-baby women is that I have a lot of experience with children. I have been babysitting since before I wore bras and I'd like to think I know a lot. So on one hand, if I do have kids someday, I'll be just a little less in the dark. But on the other, I don't have the benefit of being naive. Yes children can be adorable and wonderful but there are many, many negative aspects of being a parent. I only experienced a small portion of those since I get paid at the end of my babysitting jobs, at which point I go home to my large babyless bed in which I can get a whole night's rest without interruption.

Last night, nearing the end of a long babysitting job, a toddler barfed all over me. When I say "all over" I am not just saying that. The poor thing was sick - what can you do. I got her changed into different pajamas etc. I must say I handled the thing quite well. But as I stood in the shower after the fact, wiping the toddler vomit off my body, I couldn't help thinking: "Why do I want this again?!!" Let's face it. If you are a parent chances are you are going to get vomited on a couple of times. And worse. So my boyfriend may be winning me over to his side just a little. But if I do decide that it's all worth it and give in to the baby bug, I will know why. It's because I honestly, truly believe that I would make a fantastic mother. And that's worth something.

Snow and Upgrades

2008-12-21T13:54:00.003-05:00

I'm snowed in. The weather fairy finally awoke from her slumber and decided to pelt New York with enough snow to make up for the previous mild few months. But I can hardly complain as I lie here in my apartment, warm and toasty, watching the snowflakes fall.

A thought I had recently was that when I graduate, and I'm able to get a decent job (a big if in this economy), some of the difficulties I currently have will be a distant memory. Not having a washing machine and dryer - or a dishwasher for example. I hope I have the presence of mind to reflect on my past when the day comes that I can just whisk my dishes into the washing machine for a magically effortless journey to cleanliness. Or when I can just walk into another room with my laundry basket instead of braving the cold.

I probably will have that moment of reflection before I return to my usual routine, which will be a whirlwind of business if I know myself. I tend to appreciate what I have. Every day when I wake up next to my boyfriend, I am thrilled that he's there. That I get to start my day with him in my life. Whenever I return home from school or work, I smile just thinking about the fact that oh my gosh I have my own apartment. The novelty has worn off when it comes to having a car. I used to feel giddy, almost high every time I turned the key in the ignition. But that was my old car, before its tragic demise. My new car is nicer and certainly runs better. But it is no longer the symbol of my freedom. My apartment is.

With every upgrade I hope I reflect just a little on the past. The material things are great, but they are more important to me as symbols of accomplishment. And who knows, I may just look back and miss the days of being able to sleep 'till noon on the weekends as I load several laundry baskets into the washer. College years can be a pain, but there are certain freedoms that are easily taken for granted.

A Few Months Later

2008-10-11T21:11:00.002-04:00

It's been months. The explanation? The happier you are, the harder it is to blog. At least for me. I'm not sure how it works for everyone else. I've done some thinking - about how much things have changed. About how lucky I am.

I have always made it a point not to discuss the intimate details of my personal life on this blog, but this time I'll make an exception. I have a wonderful boyfriend who lives with me. He moved in after last semester ended. He loves me to pieces. We go to college together, and it's awesome. I need those tough days at work and endless homework to remind me that I'm not dreaming.

Why do I mention this? Because there are specific decisions I made to get me to the place I'm at today. When I was eighteen, I was tempted to marry a man who I knew was not right for me in the long term. It would have been the frum thing to do. It would have been the easy thing to do. I didn't do it because I was able to see past the moment. I was able to realize that even though my teenage years seemed to stretch on forever, they were going to be a blink of an eye in the scheme of things. So I didn't do it.

My best friend in high school - let's call her Atara - married a man she only knew for a few months. She was nineteen and in love. He was very handsome and she was convinced that if she did things the "right" way her life would be better. A month after her wedding, she was pregnant. Her marriage went downhill from there. Now she is a twenty one year old divorcee with an adorable toddler.

I could launch into a diatribe about the state of marriage in the frum community, but I won't. I don't care anymore. My point is that I made choices that I doubted at the time. And they worked out. There was a time when I believed that God was up there watching me. That I would feel a niggling sadness down the line if I stopped being religious. But the truth is that I have never been more sure that I am living the way I should.

Recently I remembered that at my old high school the pages on evolution were surgically removed from our science books. At the time I wondered why the school found them so threatening. My family was cultured - more so than other families as I now know. We went to The Museum of Natural History. We had seen the bones of prehistoric creatures. I assumed that there were answers, and I grappled with them for a while. But honestly, the more I live the more I realize that religion is a sad hoax.

More on that later.

Orthodox Affilated

2008-07-29T20:01:00.004-04:00

Lately I've been thinking about what it means to be Orthodox. My father has made it clear that for him, Orthodox is about practice. Either you keep the Big Three Laws (at the very least) or you don't. However in more secular circles, it seems that the Orthodox affiliation is about much more than ritual practice and belief. It is about culture.

I'm not entirely sure what that means, but it does make sense. After all, for people who do not have much exposure to Orthodoxy, Judaism is mostly about culture. Orthodoxy is simply the more right wing flavor. So in that context it makes sense to interchange practice with affiliation. I'm confusing myself. This requires more thought.

One reason I've been thinking about this is because of my soon to be podcasting debut. I plan on blogging mostly about Orthodox issues. Why? Because when it comes to Judaism I have a very Orthodox outlook. I think left wing Judaism is bull. If you're going to do it at all, do it right in my opinion. I happen not to believe so I don't practice. But on issues such as the Kosher Gym or the recent Rubashkin fiasco I tend to sound like any Orthodox Jew around.

What does this make me? A liar, a hypocrite, a freak? Someone who desperately wants the best of both worlds? All of the above? Or maybe I can just call myself Orthodox affiliated.

Podcasting

2008-07-28T18:05:00.003-04:00

So I'm thinking of starting a podcast. From what I hear you need confidence, personality, and the ability to talk a lot. Any interest?

Kosher Gym

2008-07-17T20:47:00.003-04:00

It's all over the blogosphere but I don't mind adding to the pile-on. Yes, this one's enough to rouse me from my summer slumber (which has been completely fantastic but that's another story).

The lowdown: Kosher Gym was sold to a national fitness company and is making changes that make it no longer kosher. The following are some examples:

1. The staff and advertising are no longer tznius.
2. There are televisions on premises.
3. The gym is now open on shabbos.

I'm sure there are other changes that frum members find objectionable. Now I have no problem with the takeover in principle. Mergers and acquisitions are part of life. However the gym is not refunding frum members who want to switch gyms because of changes they find objectionable.

This is utterly and completely incomprehensible to me. Besides for being morally reprehensible, from a business standpoint it is just plain stupid. This is a class action lawsuit waiting to happen. Kosher Gym by virtue of its name sold itself as a place where Orthodox Jews could come work out in an environment they can feel comfortable with.

Now you may say that the gym is still sex segregated. The problem with that is that Kosher Gym did not simply advertise as a sex segregated gym. They advertise as kosher which is more than just sex segregated. Lucille Roberts is a women's only gym but they do not present themselves as a kosher gym. For example, their advertising features scantily clad women and always has.

If the people who run this gym have a shred of integrity (or common sense) they would start mailing out refund checks now. The thousands of dollars that would cost them now are nothing compared with the loss they will suffer when disgruntled members band together and sue. For those of you who are just small time guys and don't have the money or know how to put that together, small claims court is a very inexpensive and easy alternative.

Full Circle

2008-05-19T21:10:00.003-04:00

I am that which I once despised. It was bound to happen eventually. As a kid I remember lying on the top bunk of my bunk-bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering how adults become such joyless monsters. Do they magically lose their memories? Do they hit a certain age and just forget? What a cruel joke, if that's true.

But I haven't forgotten (although my 21rst birthday is in a month so who knows) - at least not yet. I still remember not understanding why I had to go to bed when I still had so much energy pent up inside. I remember having to share toys with and then pick up after guests I had to entertain because my parents liked their parents. I remember having to watch Barney videos with my younger sister until the screen turned gray (she screamed if I tried to shut it off before then). I remember that clear sense of injustice only a child can truly have. I remember it all.

I am the same person I have always been. Anyone who has known me all my life will tell you that my personality has not changed since the moment I was born. The difference is that I understand. I get that bedtimes are more for parents than for children. And not because they hate their kids but because those precious few hours winding down before letting your head hit that blessed pillow are absolutely crucial if you have any hope of doing everything you need to get done during the day ahead.

There is just so much to worry about. It's not that adults don't want to just go hang out all day. We would totally love to just swim around in a pool somewhere. There are some really rich people who actually do that. But the rest of us have to face a reality that if you don't want to sit at a corner shaking a can of pennies around you're going to have to take care of things. And there's no one who's going to shake you out of your stupor and make you take care of yourself. It's your life to live and if you mess it up it's your problem.

I am an adult because I do the things I used to have to be forced to do voluntarily. I drive myself to the dentist. I go to sleep at a decent hour. I do my homework. Sure sometimes I miss an appointment and have to pay a fee. The sleep thing can get postponed until well past midnight on occasion. And papers have been known to get postponed until I have 8 hours in which to write ten pages.

So you may be tempted to say I'm not quite there yet. Except that in the past week I yelled at a kid on a nearby balcony for playing harmonica at 11PM (I really was exhausted) and took a baseball bat away from a hapless eight year old who was smashing my apartment complex's gorgeous flower bushes. You'd think I was about to turn 51, not 21.

You People

2008-05-05T20:35:00.003-04:00

As I sunk into a relaxing hot bath full of foamy white bubbles I contemplated. (By the way, it's such an underrated pleasure. Costs nothing since liquid soap is really cheap and I don't pay for hot water. But I digress.) At the pinnacle of relaxation, a situation that happened on Sunday came to mind.

I was at Walmart (which is an evil, evil corporation with really great prices) - or more accurately the Walmart parking lot. Both myself and a clunky Acura SUV were heading toward each other, clearly having spotted the same spot. I was closer and without even speeding up I got the spot. I mean fair is fair. Parking rule etiquette states that speeding up and cutting someone off is not acceptable. But that's not what happened. I got there fair and square.

So yeah it was a prime spot on a fairly busy afternoon. But what happened next surprised me. This woman started yelling and cursing on top of her lungs. I got out of my car and walked towards the entrance of the store after double checking that my car was locked. She followed me in the car, still yelling. Then, at the entrance of the store, she got out of the car and followed me, clearly apoplectic.

I continued ignoring her until she said "Now I know why everyone hates you Jews - you are a Jewish little b**** aren't you. You people are overrunning the whole f-ing community."

So I got mad. I said a few things I won't repeat and then: "Look lady get over it. I'd get back to my car if I were you - it'll probably get towed."

She took a few steps closer and I threatened to call security. At that point she backed off. Anyway the experience had me thinking. It really changes your outlook when you're the one being called "you people". Do I like chasidim with their gazillion kids, welfare and ridiculous housing? No, I don't. But if that puts me on the side of evil people like that I'm considering rethinking that viewpoint.

Bubbly and Outgoing

2008-04-16T08:23:00.002-04:00

I used to think it was the opposite. The girls who are aidel, tend to shut up all the time and are obedient are the ones who get married first right? It would make sense since as far as I was taught they are the ideal.

But no. It turns out that guys like a girl with personality. But what happens to the girls who truly are aidel? It's not that they're dull, it's just tough to get to know them in the space of two or three hours in a lounge. Ironically, the shidduch system is set up against them.

I've known for a while that I'd do great in that world. I don't get stage fright. Guys don't scare me. During the one time I actually did date that way, it was awesome even though the guy wasn't for me. We still had fun. Why? Because I never had a problem opening up to people I don't know very well. It's just the way I am.

So anyway, I got a call last night from a guy I haven't seen in forever. Friend of a friend, that sort of thing. Turns out he's dating a girl who's a year older than me. I know her because she's my sister's friend's sister (okay I'm sounding like those frummies with their cousin's uncle's aunt etc but I digress).

As soon as I heard about it, the whole thing clicked in my head. These two people could not be more perfect for each other. Their personalities just fit together well in my opinion. So this was going to be their third date, and he was telling me that he wished she would open up more. If only, right? So they're going out sometime this week and I'm really hoping it works out.

I mean this girl actually wants to get married. She really does. She's been dating for years and all her friends are married. She'd at the ripe old age of 22 and feels like an old maid. It's really terrible actually. And it's all because she's shy. I can't imagine that being burnt out would help the cause either.

Any thoughts?

Kid Diplomacy 101

2008-03-27T20:12:00.004-04:00

By the time a kid hits the age of four or five, he is a brilliant negotiator. Everything is "noooo not now". And they have brilliant reasons like "but (sister's name) doesn't have to" or "because I don't wanna". Kids haven't changed since the beginning of time. I am starting to admire my parents for going through all this.

Sometimes a kid, especially the product of two lawyers, is an especially good negotiator. I got the mistaken impression that a certain little guy I'll call Little Kid is only like that when I'm around. He's a smart little boy and pulls every trick in the book let me tell you. But today I got to see Mommy and Little Kid in action.

Mommy: Drink your milk.
Little Kid: Don't wanna. *pout
Mommy: You have to drink your milk.
Little Kid: *drinks a little Done!
Mommy: More, sweetheart. That's not enough.
Little Kid: *sniffs Smells yucky - it was left out too long.
Mommy: I just drank some myself - it's fine.
Little Kid: But you said yesterday if I drink it I won't have to tomorrow and now is tomorrow.
Mommy: I never said anything of the sort. Drink your milk.
Little Kid: *crosses arms NO!
Mommy: *sigh Okay you can have chocolate milk if you finish your plain milk.
Little Kid: Gimme chocolate milk!
Mommy: You have to drink your plain milk first.

Oh so after he finally finished his milk, he wanted his chocolate milk in a glass cup instead of a regular kid one. That took another whole round of negotiation, complete with a total bluff that he wouldn't drink it unless it was in a cup he wanted. The mom of course called that total bluff and said fine if he didn't want it he didn't have to get it.

Kind of exhausting, really. I guess that's what happens when lawyers breed. I won't bore you with the details of bedtime tonight but you can guess that it was another round in the verbal boxing ring. And yeah, he's only five.

Narcotics

2008-03-26T23:17:00.002-04:00

It's the third time in my life I can remember being prescribed narcotics. The first time was after my wisdom teeth were removed. The second was after a car crash. So yeah I'm on a third time and this time it's for.....a cough. Yeah, I know. Anti-climactic but what can you do. Apparently the over the counter cough medication does absolutely nothing, but narcotics are an effective cough suppressant. Luckily for me they also feel really really nice.

I felt like such a child swallowing a spoonful of syrup that tasted like bubblegum. But the stuff is strong, let me tell you. Oooh kicking in. I think being high warrants cutting this post short. And being that the stuff was actually prescribed for a condition I do actually have, I don't even have to feel guilty. Good night. :)

The Big Decision

2008-03-20T23:57:00.002-04:00

It's not crunch time for the big decision yet. I have a year 'till I graduate and get thrust into the real job market. By real I mean a job I consider a career - or at least the beginning of actual full time work I plan to do for several years rather than around school.

The fact that I'm not going to be a complete deer in the headlights is a big relief. I already know what it's like to work. I've had a few jobs over the years - and none of them included hanging clothes on racks or working a slurpee machine. In fact I've never had a horrible minimum wage job of any kind. I jumped straight to small businesses where I got paid relatively little (but still more than my peers) but learned more in six months than the average American kid does in four years of college.

So I'm more excited than nervous. There's still that tingling feeling though. Will I really be able to cut it outside the few square miles I call home? Will I be able to lay myself bare and sell myself to huge corporations as they cross examine me in endless interviews? Will I even know what to wear? Silly thoughts, maybe. But they're still there.

Speaking of cross-examining, I considered being a lawyer since I was a kid. I've always been good at convincing people of things. I enjoy the art of persuasion. I love standing up in front of people and being passionate. I'm competitive and hard-working to boot. So why have I completely ruled law school out? Because unlike most hapless twenty year olds, I know what being a lawyer is actually like. Well not directly but I'm Jewish so I know a bunch of lawyers. And I haven't met a happy one yet.

More importantly though I'm practically a lawyer already. I'm suing someone without any help (court date is next week), and I'm involved in other legal type activities I can't necessarily discuss on a public blog. The reality is that law is a lot of paperwork, a lot of following directions. There is very little of what you see on TV. Oh and writing legal documents is a lot like doing "proofs" in 10th grade math. You have to spell everything out. It's a royal pain in the rear.

But hey at least I figured that out before I spent three years and 100K going to law school. Now my future has a bit more ambiguity but a lot more flexibility. I'm studying Economics and actually liking it. Business, wall street, management, marketing - who knows where I'll end up. The truth is that I don't care where I shine - a courtroom or a boardroom. And in business I'll be able to do more of what I want and avoid competing with the hoards of law graduates who went to law school because they didn't know what to do with their lives.

Sure it's a bloodbath out there right now at most of the companies I'd like to work for someday. But in a year or so, the water will clear and there will be a rebirth of sorts. And I will be there to help pick up the pieces.

[/End ramble]

Saying No

2008-03-06T23:06:00.005-05:00

There comes a time in a young woman's life when she is pursued by a man who just doesn't get that she isn't interested. The first time this happened to me was in community college about four years ago. He was a music major which I found geeky. But most importantly, he was unattractive and socially awkward. He was even beyond a mercy date.

He asked me out a few times, and I turned him down. I did not make an excuse that made it sound as if it would be a possibility when I wasn't busy. I didn't say I had a boyfriend. I told him that I wasn't interested so that there would be no room for doubt. But I said it nicely. As I know now, that was a mistake. Some guys just won't take no for an answer.

The instructor for the class we had together had us writer down our contact information so that we could arrange study groups and whatnot. The guy I'll call Izzy shuffled over immediately after class and asked me if he could use the information to call me. I told him he could, but only for class. Mistake number two, if you're counting.

Poor Izzy had the misfortune of reaching my sister when he called. The conversation went something like this.

"Uhhhhhh hello"
"Yeah hi who's this"
"Uhhhh brianna?"
"Nooo - who's this?"
"This is Izzy."

Something about Izzy's tone struck my then twelve year old sister as hysterically funny, and she burst into laughter. You've never heard laughter until you've heard my sister laugh, let me tell you. My guess is that Izzy hung up at that point.

I was a little annoyed that Izzy called the night after I expressly told him to only call for school. But I felt bad too. He didn't deserve to be laughed at. It did the job, though. Izzy didn't talk to me for the rest of the semester. When I got home from the last day of school, I found an unmarked CD in my backpack. I set it aside for a few weeks, but when I finally did play it I heard the language Izzy could best speak in: music. I couldn't find it anywhere - this was his own work.

I was impressed and saddened at the same time. I threw the CD out soon after. It was a reminder of how guilty I felt even though I couldn't really figure out why. I'm convinced that the truly brilliant people on this earth are deficient in some other way. Not your average genius, mind you- only the truly great minds. Someday Izzy compose a great score that will be the high note of one of the mediocre movies hollywood puts out these days. But until then I'll think of him whenever I meet someone is clearly something special but doesn't quite fit in.

The Elimination of Chemistry

2008-03-02T11:55:00.002-05:00

In the frum community, people go to great pains to make sure their shidduch resumes aren't tarnished. There is a whole thread on Hashkafah.com on the subject of medical issues and shidduchim:

http://www.hashkafah.com/index.php?showtopic=46531&st=0&start=0

What I find interesting is that people marvel at it is that people feel it's necessary to hide any small thing that can be considered a flaw. The non-Jewish world doesn't do this - why do we? The answer is that it is an insidious and unforeseen side affect of what I call "the elimination of chemistry".

It goes something like this (as I said on linked thread): In the absence of emotional attachment/falling in love etc, finding a spouse is just a matter of finding the person with the highest ratio of the characteristics you want who will be willing to marry you. In the shidduch system, things must look good On Paper™ before the couple can even meet. This cuts down instances where people inexplicably "click" even when objectively speaking it seems like one side can Do Better™.

It clicked for me while thinking about this book I'm reading for a philosophy class which involves the function of emotions. One thing that was mentioned in class was the concept that love makes possible couplings that logically may not make sense. Turning the dating process into essentially another kind of job search with its own "head hunters" and "resumes" cuts down on a lot of couplings that would otherwise take place.

Sure formalizing the dating process means that there will be less hanky panky. But is it worth the terrible price of eliminating huge numbers of people from the dating pool by virtue of something stupid like a sibling having OCD or not having gone to the "right" seminary/yeshiva? On paper, it's all about criteria. But people are more than the sum of their descriptions, no matter how accurate. Sometimes, and this has happened to me, you inexplicably click with an unlikely person.

Guys and girls are being told that chemistry doesn't matter because you can have that with anyone. Be cold and unemotional about choosing a spouse - you will get the "best" one that way. When you look at the process from that perspective, that approach makes perfect sense. Why not marry the best in objective standards? Because objective standards don't matter in marriage. It's a very individual thing - you're marrying the person you want to live with for the rest of your life.

Do we collectively want to continue along this path of elaborate schemes to hide medical issues and other things? Do we want the shidduch crisis to continue and worsen? This attitude is extremely pervasive - and it needs to be stopped. What if people start going to a genetic counseling place where you simply get a printout of your genes instead of being "matched" llike Dor Yeshorim? It could very well happen that certain families will require a clean certificate of sorts before being allowed to date their children. Then this whole thing really will be a futeristic, finding the best genes, sort of nightmare.

Simple Tasks

2008-02-23T19:04:00.003-05:00

Some people need to go to museums to feel a sense of enlightenment. I need to do that more often actually. For me all it takes is a scented candle (Walmart has some perfectly good ones) and some classical music streaming on internet radio to make any simple task relaxing and (if I'm really relaxed) even enjoyable.

I came to that conclusion elbow deep in soapy dishes, listening to Bach. Yes, I am mellowed out. And no I don't do weed. I just had a snow day on Friday so I'm in for a badly needed three day weekend. Lots of relaxing music. A little yoga. I envy people who get to live like this all the time.

The Locker Room

2008-02-17T18:59:00.004-05:00

One of the best places to keep your ears open in is a locker room. If you can get over the whole old ladies changing into swimsuits thing (at a certain age people apparently have no shame), there are lots of juicy conversations to listen in to.

Today, for example, there was this frum lady yakking to her friend about her troublesome high school age daughter. It went something like: "So my son was having some problems but we went a little easier on him and now baruch hashem things are fine...so now my daughter saw what he could get away with and thinks she can do the same thing...so I told her we'll see what happens after Pesach...I mean what can I do no other high school will take her..."

I had to shove my sneakers on and rush out in order to avoid rudely interjecting with my opinion. It's just that this attitude is a lot of what drives teenagers away from Judaism. Their parents have no idea how to deal with a little teenage rebellion and end up driving these kids to extremes.

There are so many options for girls who can't deal with the Bais Yaakov high school model. There are more modern schools, there's going to seminary early, there's getting a job and doing online coursework. Oh and of course there are community colleges less expensive than any yeshiva that have many more resources like real computer labs, gyms, free counseling and tutoring.

The problem is that these parents can't think outside their narrow little box at all. What they have to realize is that teenage rebellion is normal. Not every kid is going to be happy in the frummest school. It's just a fact of life. When that happens, instead of freaking out, give the kid options. My parents did to more of an extent than many and that's a large part of why I ended up semi - normal.

I really had to restrain myself in that locker room. I so much wanted to tell her: "Your ignorant approach is going to push your daughter away. Give her a chance to do things a different way and who knows - you may even be proud of her someday."

Of course I didn't say a word because I'm a polite young adult. So I put my rage into my workout and ended up doing 20 minutes more on the elliptical than usual.

Kids And The Internet

2008-01-01T20:08:00.001-05:00

So I was listening to Bill O'Reilly a few days back (yeah I know why do I torture myself) and the subject was kids and the internet. The show was obviously geared towards parents who are bewildered by this increasingly technological world. They have no precedent for this; kids were not surfing the web when they were that age.

Sure they tell themselves that the problem is pedophiles and all that. Yes that's a threat, but kids are a lot more savvy these days than people give them credit for. What they're really afraid of is the loss of control. I mean just by babysitting I see it. The young hip parents have firewalls and parental controls and then just supervise. The 30+ crowd tend to get unnecessarily uptight.

A message to all parents out there: You can not keep your kid in a cocoon all their life, safe from the big bad world. Your job is to give them the tools they need to turn out normal through it all. Your kid is going to see billboards and magazines even if he doesn't have internet access. If you don't want your thirteen year old son surfing porn (and you can bet he will), don't let him have a computer in his room. But don't go overboard.

Assuming your fears are not based on the fact that little Moishe is growing up and that means you are old, yeah it's rational to supervise things. A person can pretend to be anyone over AIM and some pretty scary things have happened as a result. I mean I was playing WarCraft with my cousin who was about five or six at the time and there was a chat feature my aunt didn't know about. So this little girl could have been chatting with anyone. It's a pretty scary thought.

Right now I'm babysitting a savvy eight year old who gave me a nice talking to about how the internet is dangerous and only sites like Barbie, Hello Kitty, Disney and Cartoon Network are appropriate. I'm pretty sure my blog is more tznius than Barbie, but never mind. Her parents had taught her to stick to the sites she wanted to be on anyway and not wander around the infinite google abyss. It's a decent parenting technique.

So in short, yeah the internet isn't 100% safe but neither is anywhere other than a padded room. Be smart. If you're afraid of new technology, you're an old fogie and should go take some computer classes. And if it's about knowing your kid's every move, know that they will end up despising you if you don't stop NOW.

Too Good

2007-12-23T11:34:00.000-05:00

I should have known it was too good to be true.

The college was forcing me to get a completely unnecessary physical for their records, and I went down the insurance company's list of local doctors. Since I have the kind of insurance that does not require referrals, I hadn't seen just a plain regular doctor in years. Anyway so the friendly receptionists all informed me that they were booking into the next month - which really didn't help me.

By the time I got to someone who actually could get me in that week, I was practically asleep. When she said "oh come on in on Wednesday" my response was something like "huh - what - can you repeat that?". I was so relieved. I was going to be able to get an appointment in time, and that's all that mattered.

The day of the appointment arrived. I had mapquested the location and followed the directions. The parking lot was inhabited by Mexicans, so I locked my car and hoped for the best. Roughly half the people in the waiting room didn't speak English. I was the only white person there - including the girls in front who looked like they should have been working at the local grocery as they couldn't even speak proper english. The whole place gave me the creeps.

I nearly panicked for a moment there. This was one of those clinics, I realized. A place that takes Medicare and Fidelis. I very obviously did not belong, but I swallowed and pulled out the book I'd brought. It took longer than I care to remember, but I did end up seeing a doctor.

To my utter surprise, she was a frum woman. Sure the used needle container was locked and everything was stapled down to the floor, but the exam room looked sanitary and the doctor looked like she knew what she was doing. She took a look at me and did a double take. I explained to her why I ended up there and she laughed.

So why am I telling this story? Because I'm a bit traumatized. I've decided I'll pick a doctor at a regular doctor's office that does not take cheap government insurance. With a waiting room that does not distribute literature about AIDS, condoms, and the importance of not watering down your baby's formula too much. Where the doctors trust that you won't steal their used needles for drug use.

I may sound like a bit of snob, but this experience has made me determined not to have contact with those people ever again. They are the very lowest in our society. And this has made me think it's that way for a reason.