The Laughing Viking

My Ol' Coonhound

2008-07-02T05:25:00.000-07:00

[The large male biped has always wanted a bluetick coonhound. A noble breed, though not a beagle, of course. Still, one likes to be broadminded, so get out that Harlem Globetrotter soundtrack and sing along.]

No dog made can make the grade like my ol’ coonhound.
Got four feet as big as Crete, my ol’ coonhound.
Hunters sigh and start to cry for my ol’ coonhound
We all know why, yeah,
You know I can’t lie. (Who me? Not much now)

Now we all know just how she’ll go when she tracks ‘em down!
Winds can blow and it could snow, but she’ll make her quarry frown.
Now all the game that hound can’t get, oh Are species she ain’t met.
My wife named her
When we claimed her,
My ol’ coonhound

There’s no dog leaves me agog like my ol’ coonhound
Love her howl and floppy jowl, my ol’ coonhound
One loud bay can make my day, my ol’ coonhound
I love that dog, oh
Leaves me in a fog. (You know, I can’t lie.)

Now when she sleeps, she snores so deep, that she make a wind.
Curtains flap, and structures snap, the walls bulge and distend.
Now all the sounds, that gal can make, oh
Any silence, she can slake.
She’s got sad eyes.
Make her look wise.
My ol’ coonhound.

No dog here could be a dear like my ol’ coonhound.
Every cat just leaves my flat, my ol’ coonhound.
Nothing beats her howling greet, my ol’ coonhound
I love that pup, yeah
She makes me say yup (she asks, she gets it)

Now this here hound, she does astound, when folks see her wag.
This old gal is my best pal, I can’t help but brag.
The love she give our family, oh
Really is a sight to see.
Her name’s Sadie,
Sic Tom Brady!
My ol’ coonhound.

Dog Down Under

2008-04-04T06:21:00.000-07:00

[Dedicated to Radley, an Australian cattle dog formerly at HSI whom the female biped dearly wanted]

Traveling through a local shelter
It was hotter than a working smelter.
I saw a cattle dog, who looked so helpless.
I took her home, as I was whelp-less.

And she said
“I’m a dog from the land down under.
But one day I made such a blunder.
I left my yard and I did wander,
And I got lost in the rain and thunder.

“Slept in a crate, to rest my muscles.
Then I was at sea, bound for Brussels.
How the world did it wind up winter?
I just sighed and boarded with a vintner.

“And he said
‘You’ll go back to the land down under.
When I ship down my latest plunder.
How you got here is a wonder.
Slip in this crate, and I’ll add the cover.’

“Ay-yaaaaa.

“Wound up on a dock near New York.
On my own, and craving some pork.
A rabbi said, ‘Oi veh, you are crazy!’
I ran west toward the sunset hazy.

“And I thought
‘Need to get to the land down under.’
My head it felt just like a dunder.
As I passed a small girl, I stunned her.
I was so quick, I outran the thunder.”

I said
“Do you need the land down under?
It would tear my whole world asunder.
You could stay, there’s no need to wander.
Please don’t you run, it would be such a blunder.”

What I said, I think it stunned her.
Then she thought how the sky had sunned her.
Then she sniffed, then she ate her plunder.
And shuddered at the rolling thunder.

“Ah, t’ heck with the land down under.
Leaving wasn’t really such a blunder.
You’re so nice, and Indy’s cool in summer. (Sorta.)
Leaving here would only make me chunder.”

Guard That Big Ol' Backyard Hound Dog

2008-03-28T06:23:00.000-07:00

Once I was a little hound dog
Running round a big ol’ back yard.
Then I heard a quiet hissing
That left me feeling oh so jarred.

Punks were all around me
Doing things that looked like no good.
How could we have these problems
Here in our quiet, nice neighborhood?

Yeah they were laughin’, and sneakin’,
And causing all this damage.
And just then, it hit me:
Make them need a bandage

I heard:
Guard that big ol’ back yard, hound dog!
Chase those stupid hoodlums out!
Guard that big ol’ back yard, hound dog!
Bite on their bottoms and chase them through the streets until they cry.

Till they cry.

Now try to understand this,
I thought that they were out of their minds.
How could they be so foolish
To not see I was stalking behind?

And so I tore some Levi’s,
Defending home in every way.
I barked, “You have to leave here!
Or I’ll chew you ‘till the break of day!”

Cause they were breakin’, and bendin’,
And acting so dim-witted.
That’s why I attacked them,
And their clothes got rough-slitted.

I thought:
Get them out the back yard, hound dog!
Chase those stupid vandals out!
Get them out the back yard, hound dog!
Bite on their bottoms and chase them through the streets until they cry.

Till they cry; or they die! Gonna eat some electrofied funky trousers!

At first I was so nervous,
Scaring bored teenagers at night.
But once they got all shaky,
I could give them some well-deserved fright.

But now it’s so much better (so much better)
I chase them out near every night.
I hope I never lose that taste for (hope I don’t)
Giving stupid kids well-earned frights.

When they are hurting, and harming,
And causing all this trouble.
I sneak up, open wide,
And bite them on the bubble.

Chase away those hoodlums, hound dog!
Bark and get them out of your yard!
Chase away those hoodlums, hound dog!
Bite on their bottoms and chase them through the streets until they cry.

Til they cry, oh watch them cry!

I shouted
Leave my big ol’ back yard (leave my big ol’ back yard)
Leave my big ol’ back yard (got to keep on defending it)
Leave my big ol’ back yard (leave my big ol’ back yard)
Leave my big ol’ back yard (you better climb up higher now)

Stand against the vandals, hound dog!
Make your house all safe at night!
Stand against the vandals, hound dog!
Scare them off with horrid fright!

Stop all those trespassers, hound dog!
Make them jump to unknown heights!
Stop all those trespassers, hounnnn-dawg.
Make them jump in fright ...

Big Heart/Warm Bedspread

2008-03-21T04:00:00.000-07:00

[With full apologies to Cake]

I want a girl who can spoil her doggies.
I want a girl who loves her pets.
I want a girl with shoes that niff and
Hands that heat like turbo jets.

I want a girl with a wide open pantry
That is big, and filled-up, and thoroughly packed.
She's playing with my dew claws, she is putting out my toys,
She is rubbing my belly and petting my back.

I want a girl with a big heart and waaaarm bedspread.

I want a girl who hugs me early (hugs me early)
I want a girl who snuggles me late (snuggles me late)
I want a girl with uninterrupted dog time (uninterrupted)
Who sneaks me spaghetti right from her plate.

With a lap that feels like heaven's pillow
And a voice that coos and makes me wag,
She is kind, and sweet, and smells like kibble,
She hugs me so warmly and buys me new swag.

I want a girl with a big heart and waaaarm waaaarm bedspread.

I want a girl with no trepidation (no trepidation)
Whose ear needs licking, and who smiles down at me (smiles at me).
At the shelter, we will meet accidentally (meet accidentally)
She thinks I'm cute, and says so with glee.

She wants a dog who likes to be cuddled,
She wants a dog that can stay inside.
I like her cat with the calico pattern!
I'm going home now in her convertible Saturn!

I got a girl with a big heart and a waaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmm bedspread.

(Arf arf, arf arf, arf arf;
arf arf arf arf aaaaarf arf ...)

The Beagles Are Back in Town

2008-03-18T17:04:00.000-07:00

[With sincerest apologies to the late Phil Lynnott]

Guess who just got back today?
Those wild-eyed hounds that had been away.
Haven't changed, or eaten enough today,
But man, I think those beagles are great.

They were askin' if you were a hound,
How you smelled, where food could be found.
Then they ran off toward downtown,
Driving all the chipmunks crazy.

The beagles are back in town (beagles are back in town).
(I sniff) The beagles came back dooooown,
The beagles with tick of brown.
The beagles who do not frown (beagles who like to clown).
The beagles who wear the crown (beagles are back in town).

You know this hound, he always howls a lot?
Every night he'll be in your crotch smelling what you got.
Man his nose is so cool, it's anti-hot.
He'll set you to screamin'.

That day over at the bark park,
Well Perlie got up and she chased off a lark.
And then she snuck up with a nose so stark
Cold on your bare leg, you won't forget her.

The beagles are back in town (beagles are back in town).
(I sniff) The beagles came back dooooown,
The beagles with tick of brown.
The beagles who do not frown (beagles who like to clown).
The beagles who wear the crown (beagles are back in town).

Spread the treats around!
Guess who's back in town?
You spread popcorn around!

Every night they'll be ready to kill
Anything that comes off the grill.
The slobber will flow and the drinks will spill.
And if the beagles wanna eat you better let them.

A squirrel's in the back yard; with a mad dash, they're gone!
The howls are getting louder, it won't be long,
It won't be long till the dinner gong,
Now that the beagles run again.

The beagles are back in town (beagles are back in town).
(I sniff) The beagles came back dooooown,
The beagles with tick of brown.
The beagles who do not frown (beagles who like to clown).

(Spread the treats around.)

The beagles who wear the crown (beagles are back in town).

(The beagles are back, they'll eat your snack!)

The beagles are back in town again.
They're sniffing up your Chino's.
The beagles are back in town again.

Fat Bottom Hounds

2008-03-13T17:12:00.000-07:00

[With sincerest apologies to Queen]

Aw, you gonna chew pig ears tonight
Aw, gonna crunch with all your might.
Aw, you gonna let your ears hang down.
Fat bottom hounds, you make my beaglin' world go round.

(Hey!)
I was just a whippet pup,
Never knew my down from up,
But I could howl before I left my rookery.
Left alone with big ol' Bottles,
She had such a naughty waddle,
Hey big basset, you made a hound dog out of me.
(Arf arf!)

(Awroo!)

I've been running in this pack,
Through the water, 'long the track,
I've seen every lapdog Princess in the hood.
But they're prissy and too mild,
And they all seem a little spiled.
Give me big dogs, lord, and I'll wag like I should.

(Come on!)

Aw, won't you howl with me tonight
Aw, underneath the pale moon light.
Aw, and you’re shakin’ all you got.
Fat bottom hounds, you make my beaglin' world go round.
Fat bottom hounds, you make my beaglin' world go round.

(Hey, howlin' here!)
I got pig ears, I got scones,
I got biscuits and steak bones,
Ain't no show dogs here in this ol’ muttish pack.
(I tell ya)
Oh boy! Still got my favorite!
I still adore and savor it!
Hey big basset, you done made a great dane of me!
(Now fetch this!)

Aw, you gonna snore with me tonight (Awroooo!)
Aw, ‘til the bipeds jump with fright.
Aw, you gonna snuffle on the ground.
Fat bottom hounds, you make my beaglin' world go round. (Woof)
Fat bottom hounds, you make my beaglin' world go round.

Get on your leash and walk!

Fat bottom hounds!
(Waddle em cowgirl!)
Fat bottom hounds!
(Must be jam 'cause jelly don't shake like that)

Beagle Like Me

2008-03-07T17:11:00.000-08:00

[With apologies to TV on the Radio for mangling Wolf Like Me
(by The Were-Beagle, aka Perl the Inhaler)

Hey hey, my packmate.
Won't you lay paws on me?
I know you’re one good dog,
But your mind is full of fog.

You got a curse that I can lift,
Always act like you drank a fifth.
When the moon is round and full,
Need to chase that bird, in the midriff
(Your ears will change)

I’m as fast as a stolen car;
Behind you will always fall far,
Unless the transformation takes you,
You’ll never be a packhound star.

Your ears will change,
Your nose will strain,
But how you’ll like it.
With smell-tuned brain
And heart aflame,
Oh, how you’ll like it.

You’ll sniff the world,
Your tail unfurled,
Oh how you’ll like it.
Your snout smells all,
You’ll hunt all fall,
Oh, how you’ll like it.

Show me your smallest doubt,
I’ll turn you round in time.
When the moon is round and full,
Gonna show you stench that will blow your mongrel mind.

In every mutt I recognize,
There’s a beagle hidden down inside.
I know that I’m the lucky kind,
So can you, you, you.

I know it’s strange,
This dog breed change
Into a beagle.
But here’s the thing:
You must have wings
To soar with eagles.

I know it’s odd
To change your bod
Into another.
It will be soon,
Here comes the moon,
Let’s just take cover.
Cover!

[dreamy howls in background]

Dream of squirrels brought
Down to the ground, and
Open your ears and let them
Droop on down.

Feel me tweak your snout,
Until the scents flow in.
Open your mind and let the
Smells go in.

Feel your compact paws,
Run o’er woodland floor.
Now you know what all the
Howlin’s for.

[dreaminess ends]

Hey hey my packmate!
Let’s get that tasty hare!
He is down in the fallow field!
That’s where! Where! Where! Where!

(We’re howling forever, ahw roo!)
Now your curse did fully lift.
The whole world is getting sniffed.
(We’re howling forever, ahw roo!)
Beauregard has got a scent!
Your restraint’s no longer pent!

(We’re howling forever, ahw roo!)

Howl out how it feels so good,
Chasing Little Red Riding Hood!
(We’re howling forever, ahw roo!)
Now you know we’re the lucky breed!
It’s true! True! True! True!
We’re howling forever, ahw roo!

We’re howling forever, ahw roo!
We’re howling forever, ahw roo!
We’re howling forever, ahw roo!
We’re howling forever, ahw roo!

Yeah Dogs!

2008-03-07T17:06:00.000-08:00

[With sincerest apologies to Heywood Banks, that virtuoso of the Toastmaster 3000]

In the magazines and all the blogs.
People say what makes them all agog.
It isn't parakeets, or potbelly hogs.
We always say how we love dogs.
I love dogs.

YEAH DOGS!
YEAH DOGS!

Out in the morning for my daily jog.
Breathing in a lungful of nice fresh smog.
Nearly fall as I slip on a fresh-laid log.
I wish people would clean up after their dogs.
I love dogs.

YEAH DOGS!
YEAH DOGS!

At a party, meet a girl who's sipping eggnog.
Gives me a smile as I pour fresh grog.
Hoping I can give her a big ol' snog.
Walk away quick cause she doesn't like dogs.

YEAH DOGS!
YEAH DOGS!

Travelled all over, met krauts and frogs.
Even lived in lands that are ruled by wogs.
One thing I learned as I through-the-world slogged:
People everywhere just love their dogs!
I love dogs.

YEAH DOGS!
YEAH DOGS!

Michael Vick escapes into the bog.
Chasing him hard, as we run and slog.
He won't get away through the mire and fog,
'Cause revenge is coming from our bloodhound dogs.

YEAH DOGS!
YEAH DOGS!

In America, but not in Korea . . .

YEAH DOGS!

The Devil Went Down to Southport

2008-02-29T17:09:00.000-08:00

[With further apologies to Charlie Daniels]

The Devil went down to Southport, he was looking for a dog to rob.
He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind, with Michael Vick out of a job
Then he came across this beagle lickin' her nose and makin' it cold.
The Devil jumped up on the kids' play fort and said "Beagle, now you just hold.

"I guess you didn't know it, but I can make a cold nose, too.
And if you'd make a little ol' stake, I've got a scheme for you.
Now you've got a darn cold nose, my dear, but here is my grand bet:
I'll put a pig ear fife against your life, cause I think mine's colder yet."

The dog said "My name's Perlie, and maybe I've been fooled,
But I'll take that offer, you silly old scoffer, my nose can't be out-cooled."

Perlie slobber up your snout and ice that sucker down,
Cause hell's broke loose in Southport with The Devil now in town.
Now if you win you get this massive crunchy pig ear fife,
But if you lose The Devil takes your life.

The Devil stretched his nose out and said "I'll start this chase"
And frost flew from his burning eyes and he sniffed in outer space.
Then he jumped inside the house and touched the bipeds' skin,
He laughed at all the chills they felt as their coldness did begin.

(Is that a draft I feel? Have you seen my sweater? Who left the door open? I feel a breeze. Brrrrrr, that's a bit of a chill.)

When The Devil finished Perlie laughed "Oh, they aren't cold, you jerk.
Just take a seat and take some notes, and you just watch me work."

(Perl's got a cold nose! Run, boys, run!)
(Beauie's frozen stiff in the August sun!)
(Start an oil field fire! More! More! More!)
(Global warming's undone, call Al Gore!)

The Devil rubbed his head because this did not compute
And got a cold nose in the butt as he placed the pig ear flute.
Perlie said "Devil, just come on back if you ever want another bet,
Just remember this, my nose was dry, you should feel it when it's wet!"

They yelled
(Oh my god, I've gone all numb!)
(Minus three is our kelvin sum!)
(All atomic motion's come to a halt!)
(The sun has frozen into chocolate malt!)

A Frank Zappa Tribute

2008-02-29T17:06:00.000-08:00

Dreamed I was a malamute.
Frozen wind blew like a flute
Under my paws and around my snoot.
Around the hill and o'er the butte.
[boop-boop-a-ye-ah-yah]
Killed the plants down to the root.
And my Perlie cried [boo-hoo]
And my Perlie cried [Beauie, a-so cute]
[Beauie, a-you brute]
Don't be a naughty Malamute.
Save your heat, don't outside scoot.
Well I turned around and I said: Aw, shoot.
Well I turned around and I said: That's moot.
Well I turned around and I said: Don't hoot.
And then our igloo became all mute.
And she said, with a howl in her voice:
Watch out where the sled dogs poot,
And don't you chew that frozen doot.
Watch out where the sled dogs poot,
And don't you chew that frozen doot.

Beauie B. Goode

2008-02-15T17:10:00.000-08:00

[With sincerest apologies to the great Chuck Berry]

Way up in Indiana, just outside Southport,
Back up a cul-de-sac, near a kid's play fort,
There is a big house where the beagles all run,
Including Beauregard, that son of a gun.
He never learned to speak in hushed tones of voice;
Barking real loud is Beau's only choice.

Hush-hush!
Hush, Beauie, hush, hush!
Hush, Beauie, hush, hush!
Hush, Beauie, hush, hush!
Hush, Beauie, hush, hush!
Beauie, be good!

He'll carry off your shoes when your back is turned,
And eat all your food, whether raw or burned.
The bipeds would all see him chewing on a book,
Wondering why Beauie could be such a schnook.
The people visiting would see him munch on poo.
Oh my, how that little beagle boy can chew!

Oh No!
No, Beauie! No! No!
No, Beauie! No! No!
No, Beauie! No! No!
No, Beauie! No! No!
Beauie, be good!

His momma told him "Someday you will go too far,
And we might take a ride in that big old car."
Beauie looked at her with his eyes so sad,
Sorry that he’d made his momma so mad.
He licked her on the nose and she had to smile.
Saying "Beauie, you're my angel chile."

Good Beau!
Good Beauie, good Beau!
Good Beauie, good Beau!
Good Beauie, good Beau!
Good Beauie, good Beau!
Beauie's so good!

Welcome to my Dogpack

2008-02-15T17:07:00.000-08:00

[With full apologies to Izzy Stradlin … the rest of Guns and Roses being beyond apology.]

[Oh my Snoopy…]

ROoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Arf!

Welcome to my dog pack,
We got treats and toys.
We got everything you want,
Except for pink borzois.

We are the beagles that you hear
Baying loud at night.
If you got the moxie, doxie,
You won’t suffer fright

In my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack
We’ll snatch all of your
Tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-treats, treats.
Arf, woof. You’re gonna watch me eat!

Welcome to my dog pack,
We run here every day
After squirrels and rabbits, too,
But not those things that neigh.

And you’re a very swift young hound,
Very quick to learn.
If you pay attention close,
Some kibble you may earn

From my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack
Now where’s my my, my, my
My beagle team?!
Oo, oh, they just make me scream!

Welcome to my dog pack,
We get fed here twice a day.
You have to sit and stay for treats,
But that’s just the price we pay.

You gotta run after what you see,
You’ll catch one eventually.
You can have anything of Beau’s
But don’t take a thing from me!

In my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack!
Bring me your kibble
P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-please, please!
Herf, wuff. I gotta get some feed!

When we run, we never
Really wanna wind down,
These hounds,
Loud sounds,
Such clowwwwwns,
Rooooooooo!

[You know where you are?
You’re in my dog pack, baby!
You’re gonna run!]

In my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack
We’ll take all of your
Tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-treats, treats.

In my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack
You’re in my my, my, my
My beagle team!

In my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack
We’ll run until you have sore
Kn-n-n-n-n-n-n-knees, knees.

In my dog pack, welcome to my dog pack!
There goes a squir--
We’re gonna take it down!
Woof!

Uno Uno

2008-02-14T17:12:00.000-08:00

[With full apologies to David Bowie; this just isn't the same without that great
riff playing behind it]

Put Westminster in a whirl;
Won the heart of this beagle girl.
Hey Dawg, your coat's alright.
Hey Dawg, we're so proud tonight.

You won big, and we love it, oh.
Feel like dancing 'cause you did so fine.
Those priss breeds gonna take it hard.
You won top dog; their world is jarred.

They’ve put us down, in verse and song.
You beagle king, you proved them wrong!

Uno, Uno, you passed the test.
Uno, Uno, a beagle won Best.
Uno, Uno, you showed them all!
Hero, stand proud and tall!

Vegas had us with bad odds.
Four hundred to one? Ye gods!
Oh no, that's every one!
O ho, us did they shun!

But we knew, and now they do, too.
Beagles rule, especially you.
Terriers are now in shock;
Breeders swoon and call for a doc.

You hung tough, and got the top.
Judge did point, and jaws did drop!

Uno, Uno, we are so proud.
Uno, Uno, you howled out so loud,
Uno, Uno, when you were picked.
Hey wait, why aren't you ticked?

Uno, Uno, beagles still rule!
Uno, Uno, and others all drool!
Uno, Uno, future's so bright!
Hot damn! Wang Chung tonight!

You passed their test,
A beagle got best!
We all knew the truth,
But the truth is now blessed!

(You got the) Top trophy, such a live wire!
(Got the) Pig ears as my queenly tribute!
(You gonna) Receive the Order of Snoopy Dudes!

Cause you passed the test!
You're a beagle king success!
And their world is a mess!
Cause now they must know!
How can they not know?

So what should I send,
To start a gift trend?
You ought to run and howl,
And be fed spotted owl!
Just ignore the greens' yowl.

Cause you passed the test!
And you have earned a rest!
They named you the best!
So now they all know!
How can they not know?

Running with the Beagle

2008-02-08T17:06:00.000-08:00

[With apologies to all of Van Halen]

I gulp my food like there's no tomorrow.
And all I eat, Beau tries to steal.
I need to eat more food than Charo
'Cause I'll outrun anything on wheels!

Oh yeah.

[Warooo!]
Running with the beagles.
(Awyeah-eah-eah, How-roo!]
Running with the beagles.

(I'll howl you about it.)
Now a beagle's life ain't so simple,
We've got to run and bay all day long.
Our calories should make us blimple,
But we shred turf like I did this song.

Ooh, yeah [howl]
Running with the beagles.
(I'm gonna lap one more time, howwwl!]
Running with the beagles.

You know uh,
I treat my body just like a temple
In a slightly run-down neighborhood.
A beagle runs so that a limp'll
Slow us down less than it should.

(Awwww, yeah)
Running with the beagles.
(Oh yes! O yes I'm running)
Running with the beagles.
[One more lap!]

Howl! Howl!

[Whooo! Uh,]
Running with the beagles.
(Hoo, boy, …)
Running with the beagles.

[Whuh, puff]

Running with the beagles.
[Huff, huff]
Running with the beagles.

[ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......]

Long Eared Beagle Boy

2008-02-08T17:05:00.000-08:00

[With apologies to Charlie Daniels]

People say I’m silly, and loud as a bassoon.
When I run hard in the morning, I sleep hard in the afternoon.
Ticked just like grandpa’s hunting hound, chewing rope bones ‘til they’re frayed.
Ain’t never caught a rabbit, but I darn sure got it made.

Cause I won’t ask nobody for nothing,
If I can steal it on my own.
If you don’t like the way I’m howlin’
You just give his long eared beagle boy a bone.

Perlie girl squawking at me, wants to put me in my place.
Thinks she can be the big dog, so she’s barkin’ right in my face.
She said I drank all of the water, and I know that it’s true.
So now I need to go in the yard, to wee and maybe eat some poo.

And now I’m asking all y’all for something,
Or I’ll just steal it on my own.
If you don’t like the way I’m howlin’
You just give his long eared beagle boy a bone.

A Yorkie wants to marry, a poodle wants to flirt.
Setters go to K-9 Kollege, scotties dig in the dirt.
Labs want to nose you on the crotch, a hound wants to smell your feet.
I just want everything and all, and I’ll beg for a jerky treat.

But I won’t ask nobody for nothing,
If I can take it on my own.
If you don’t like the way I’m howlin’
You just give his long eared beagle boy a bone.

My Beagle Queen

2008-02-01T17:05:00.000-08:00

[Daddy loves me! He wrote this while listening to "Black Peach", his favorite song by The Elms.]

A cute little hound dog everybody likes.
You sneak to the couch to steal some food from tykes.
It isn't that you don't know what you're doing's wrong.
It's just that you always hear a dinner gong.

You're my bee-eagle queen.

(Woof!)
Bold as a bandit, grabbing with your mouth.
One biscuit snatched and you high-tail it south.
Running like a cheetah, faster than a flame.
You move like a rabbit to sidestep any blame.

You're my bee-eagle queen.

You smell like dead skunk, where have you been?
You're gonna get washed before I let you in.
You act like you think you own that door.
But now you're going to find out what soap is for.

Sneaking in the bedroom to snooze away the night.
Cold nose on my back and I nearly die from fright.
Slip between the covers to keep all nice and warm.
Lick Mom on the knee and you cause a blanket storm.

You're my bee-eagle queen.

(Arf!)

You dig in the flowers, roll in the dirt.
You see the new neighbor and act a total flirt.
You spend all your time eating more more more.
And now you're gonna know what a diet's for.

Awroo-oo-oo-oo ...
Awroo-oo-oo-oo ...

We can't make popcorn and have any peace.
You won't stand for cold without your purple fleece.
You always remind me of joys from my youth.
We love you so much, and you know it's the truth.

You're my bee-eagle queen.
You're my bee-eagle queen.
You're my bee-ee-ee-eagle queeeeeeeeen.
My beagle queen!

(woof)

Are You Gonna Feed This Dog

2008-01-25T17:05:00.000-08:00

[With apologies to Jet]

Go!!

So 1, 2, 3, take my paw and come with me
Because you smell so fine
That you really make me howl and whine.

I say you smell so fine
That you really make me howl and whine.

Oh, 4,5,6 it's time to do some tricks
Now you don't need jerky treats
When your pig ears smell like biped feets.

Big black nose,
Long brown ears,
I'm so sweet
With that food so near.

Well I could sniff
What you bin wif,
And you have got another bone, yea!
You know you
Ain't gave much to chew,
So I won't let you get away, yea!
I said, are you gonna feed this dog?

So 7, 8, 9, feed me now or I will whine.
Because you have good food
To which my eyes are glued.

I say you have that food
That makes me want to start a feud.

Oh, 10, 11, 12, in the treat bowl I'll delve
If you don't feed me right now.
I could eat a whole gurnsey cow.

I can sit,
I can stand,
I can stay
For that treat so grand.

Well I can smell
And I can tell,
That you have got a pig ear bone, yea!
I know you
Like to make me stew,
Until I sit and stand and stay, yea!
I said, are you gonna feed this dog?

Oh yea. Oh yea. C'mon!

Well I can bark
Until it's dark,
If you don't yield that jerky treat, yea!
I will make
You grill a steak,
Because I know right where you sleep, yea!
Now, feed this dog
Feed this dog.
Are you gonna feed this dog? Yea!

Hound on the Run

2008-01-11T17:05:00.000-08:00

[With apologies to Sweet]

I, I, I,
Can't even hear my name
Cause I just saw wild game,
Just like every time be-for-or-or-orrrrre.

Okay, okay, okay,
I'll pause a moment at this place
Until I see a chipmunk's face,
Then I'll run just like befor-or-or-orrrre.

Hound on the run,
I'm moving like shot from a gun;
Ironic. Just one sniff and I
Am on my wayyyyyy.
(Hound dog on the ru-uuuun.)
So darn loud, hound on the run,
I'll run all day.

You, you, you,
You wanna talk about some fun?
A rabbit jumped up and I spun
Around and off I tore-or-or-or-orrrrre.

Fun, fun, fun;
I'm running in the sun.
And yelling just like a Hun.
And always running more more more more!!!!

Hound on the run,
A blur of white and black and dun,
So loud I get sworn at by nuns.
Won't sit or stayyyyy.
(Hound dog on the ru-uuuun.)
I got scent! Hound on the run!
This sure beats play!

Ears floppin', hound on the run
I howl and squirrels and mice are stunned
A moment. Then the race is run
All of the dayyyyyy.
(Hound dog on the ru-uuuuun.)
I got one! Give me a rye bun!
It got awayyy!

Hound on the run
Hound on the run
Hound on the run
Hound on the run

New Year Family Letter

2008-01-02T10:11:00.001-08:00

The 2007 Burton-Lyford-Menze-Lyford Non-denominational Holiday Seasons Greeting Letter

Hello, and welcome to the 2007 Burton-Lyford-Menze-Lyford Non-denominational Holiday Seasons Greeting Letter, the Official Non-denominational Holiday Seasons Greeting Letter of the Burton-Lyford-Menze-Lyford Family for 2007. 2007 was quite a year for the Burton-Lyford-Menze-Lyford family, one marked by both tradition and transition.

As is tradition with these year-end letters, it was a busy year for us. A lot of this has come from the traditional institution of tae kwan do, but that has also been wonderful. Elliot and Oliver both achieved their purple belts this year, the highest of the intermediate level belts. Early in the year they finished 1-2 in an intraschool tournament, Oliver tops in attack form and Elliot in defense. (Third in both went to an appaloosa filly from outside Lexington ... Street.) They were also accepted into the Black Belt Program in the fall. Martial arts has been great for both of them. Not only has their physical maturity improved, their mental and emotional growth has really been helped. Their focus and self-discipline have improved tremendously. It's really helping them grow into young men.

So to help Richard's growth to maturity, he also started tae kwan do, in November. At the age of forty. And a half. Though his maturity is still nowhere near his chronological age, he has rocketed past forty toward seventy in terms of knee and ankle pain. He did get his yellow belt in December and no longer slings oatmeal at breakfast, so maybe there is hope for him yet.

Eva transitioned to a new job in January, in the fine traditional field of home building. Her employer is CP Morgan, Indianapolis' largest homebuilder. She has continued in the field of project management, with the occasional roofing job thrown in. Her timing was rather peccable, as you know if you follow the housing market. Like all jobs, it presents challenges, particularly in these days of modern times, but she does like her job and coworkers, in spite of the Chicagoesque commute and constant pranking. (Lesson learned: pranking coworkers who have construction equipment is unwise.)

Richard also transitioned to a new job, leaving behind a computing job in the traditional and dying newspaper business for a job at Allison Transmission, a venerable company that is transitioning from GM ownership. Richard is looking forward to advancing in his new career as a drill bit polisher. (No, not really.) Richard desperately wants to drive home in a company-made car, but is deferring this dream until they make the Abrams tank street-legal.

Elliot and Oliver continue to excel in their careers as school children. They started their third years at Beech Grove Montessori, Oliver transitioning to The Big School with Elliot. They have begun to learn Arabic from their new teacher, a native of Jordan, and have taken to it like a duke to water. Montessori is proving to be an excellent fit to their education. They already know more of the chemical elements and symbols than most pharmaceutical company executives (ie, more than three). Elliot has continued to learn calculus in the second grade, and Oliver has shown great talents in languages, including Spanish and French. Soon they will be beyond Eva and Richard and running an anti-terrorist lab out of the hamper, using Legos.

As some of you may recall -- how could it be forgotten? -- last year the family was adopted by a beagle named Perl at the Humane Society of Indianapolis. This year the tradition continued. In March they were again chosen, again by a beagle, again from the Humane Society of Indianapolis, this time named Beauregard. Beauregard is such a treasure. He is a wonderful companion to Perl; they now pester each other instead of the bipeds, for one thing. And while he often misbehaves, he will run straight to a human when he does to show just exactly how he's misbehaved. Other than his barking loudly at air, there have been few complaints.

The boys' indoctrination into sports exploded this year. Nothing in sports is more traditional than the Indianapolis 500 (run since 1911), except for the Cubs not winning the World Series (not won since 1908). The boys attended their first race this year, where they saw other grand old traditions: the Purdue Marching Band, the salute to the military, the flyover after the national anthem, the release of the balloons, and an Andretti getting passed on a restart to lose the lead. Oliver might not have enjoyed it so much, having slept through thirty laps of the race while only 30 rows back. They also saw their first Colts and Pacers games this year, which we all enjoyed.

2008 promises even more and we are looking forward to following the great tradition of American families: adapting to more transitions.

Run Run Away

2007-12-20T17:04:00.000-08:00

[With full apologies to Slade]

Aw-roooo!

I hate fuzzy rats,
Think they are worse than cats.
Use them as doormats.
Run run away!

See the evil squirrel!
Chittering, tail a-curl!
Mocking at noble Perl!
Run run away! (Woof!)

Chase it 'round the swing!
Mud on everything!
Soon it's neck I'll wring!
Run run away!

Get the evil squirrel!
Running fast, in a whirl!
Scared of this beagle girl!
Run run away! (Woof!)

Now it's on the deck,
Panting as hard as heck!
Its whole world I'll wreck!
Run run away!

Closing on that rat,
Ready for harsh combat!
Maybe I'll squish him flat!
Run run away! (Woof!)

[Grr, wuff ...]

Oh, now I can't wait!
Heading toward it straight!
My dreams then deflate!
Run run away!

See the small biped!
All clad in IU red!
Starts screaming off his head!
Run run away!

Scared away that squirrel,
Made his tail unfurl,
Angered his Queen Perl!
Run run away!

Make the biped pay!
He ruined my grand day!
Snatch his snack away!
Run run away!

I Like Big Mutts

2007-12-14T17:04:00.000-08:00

[Perl]
Oh, my, god. Beauie, look at that mutt.
It is so big. *scoff* It looks like,
One of those NASCAR guys' dogs.
But, y'know, who understands those NASCAR guys? *scoff*
They only own it because,
It looks like a total penile surrogate, 'kay?
I mean, that dog, is just so big. *scoff*
I can't believe it's just so tall, it's like,
Out there, I mean - gross. Look!
It's just so ... huge!

[Sir Barks-a-Lot]
I like big mutts and I can not lie.
You other canines can't deny
When an akita walks in with an itty bitty smile
And legs long as a mile
I will howl, wanna lick on your ear
Cause you make me run in fifth gear
Right to the place you're standin'.
I'm excited and over-glandin'.

Oh greyhound, I wanna get wit'cha
My leg's a-twitch-a.
The bipeds said "Beauie, save it!"
But just one look and "Oh boy! My favorite!"

Ooh, you bull mastiff,
You say you wanna gimme a sniff?
Well smell me, smell me,
You don't have to twice tell me.

I just start dancin'
You'd say it's almost prancin'.
She's big, y'dig,
Got me dancin' out a turbo jig.

I'm tired of these folks with bling
Sayin' toy breeds are the thing.
Take the average hound and ask him that
He'll rap in your hat.

So afghans! (Yeah!) Sheepdogs! (Yeah!)
Do they leave you in a fog? (Hell yeah!)
Scottish Deer Hounds! (Black labs!) Setters! (Coon hounds!)
Even St Bernards!
Gotta be big!

(Yorkie face with a great dane booty)
Gotta be big!
(Yorkie face with a great dane booty) I like 'em long, and tall
And now I'm tellin' all y'all,
I just can't help myself, I love a big canine.
Want 'em all to be mine.

I wanna play with you
And Arf! Makin' me Arf-Arf!
I ain't talkin' bout poodles
Cause big dogs are the kit and caboodle.

I want 'em real tall and lanky,
Be they reb or yankee,
Or else Barks-a-Lot gets cranky,
And rolls around where it's stanky.

So I saw this Argentine Dogo,
Better than a Bergamasco.
Take the Lhasa Apso,
I'll keep the big ol' Jindo

I want a howl with tall sistas, I wanna run with ya
I won't bite or nip ya
But I gotta be straight when I say we're gonna BARK
To the break of dawn.
Don't need a bichon
I need to find me a dog with brawn.

Cause those little dogs yap and then nap.
But I'd rather bay and play.
Cause I'm loud like a gong
And I can chew right through a kong

So Huskies! (Ruff!) Redbones! (Woof!)
If you wanna come back to my home (Arf!)
Then sit! Stand! And now down!
Even scotties wanna be wolfhounds.
Gotta be big!

Gotta be big!

(Yeah, baby ... when it comes to canines,
I'll take a big dog for my selection. You say I'm a lap-dog? Only if you're Yao Ming.)

So your dog fits in your Honda, lookin' smaller than Uganda
On a globe that could be swallowed by an anaconda.
That dog just won't do at all
It has to be tall, y'all.

You can get cats or birds or parrots,
But only big dogs will have merit.
Some people wanna say that small's good
But big dogs are misunderstood.

They lose them and leave 'em.
Never mind they could be retrievin'
Squirrels from your back yard;
For a lapdog that's too hard!
Cause their legs are small or they're just too chicken.
To the curb I'm kickin'

Those little dogs that are too small.
They ain't the ones, y'all.
Give me a borzoi, not one like a toy,
A great dane makes me shout for joy.

So take all your little dogs,
You might as well own some frogs.
Cause big mutts are the best ones around
Even if it's just a basset hound.

So when you adopt your mutt,
Make sure it's big as a hut.
Take it from Sir Barks-a-Lot,
Make a big breed your new Spot.

Gotta be big!

Gotta be big!

Bigger and with vigor it's my favorite dog.
Bigger and with vigor it's my favorite dog.
Bigger and with vigor it's my favorite dog.
Bigger and with vigor it's my favorite dog.

Guard the Tree

2007-11-30T17:03:00.001-08:00

[With the greatest of apologies to Tanya Donnelly and all the members of Belly]

This red squirrel I've stalked about
Broke into a run,
Scampered 'cross the ground.
Darned red rat ran up and out,
Hid among the leaves,
As I run around.

I smell all this and more ...

So take your smirk off
When you're mocking at me,
And stay there when I guard the tree.

This little squirrel I used to chase
Slammed a nut on my head.
It put scars on my teeth and face;
It laughed at me, she grinned and fled.

I smell all this and moooore.

So take your smirk off, boy,
When you're mocking at me
And be there when I guard the tree.

Take your smirk off, rat,
When you're mocking at me
And be there when I guard the tree.

The beagle that I used to be
Barked around, around, around the tree.
Fuzzy red rat, come to me.
I'll only bite you in my dreams ....

I smell all this and,
I snuff all this and,
I snort all this and more.

Take your smirk off
When you're mocking at me
And be there when I guard the tree.

Take your smirk off
When you're mocking at me
And be there when I guard the tree.

In a Big Back Yard

2007-11-30T17:03:00.000-08:00

[In memory of the late Stuart Adamson of Big Country, it's time to put on your tartan and play that bagpipe-sounding guitar]

[Start of drum intro]: Arf!
[Big drum intro, guitar starts]: Come up howlin' ... Come up howlin' ... Arf!
[Bagpipe guitar]

You've never heard me sniff like this without a reason,
Another rabbit passes through, I think it's treason! Passed right by you!
[Arf!]
We always lick the food off the neighbor's toddler's face,
And that's a tasty way to think of someone who is still a child.

In a big back yard, we'll run and howl,
'til a biped's voice, shouts out "Keep it dooooooown".
What a clooooown!

I know that pig ear bones are things that really matter,
But I can't stay put with two dozen jerky treats scattered.

We'll bury pig ears in the flower beds, so easy!
Then we can bark and howl and run right through wintertime...

In a big back yard, we'll eat and chew,
'til a biped's voice, shouts out "It's kong tiiiiiime".
What a liiiife!

In a big back yard, we'll chase and stalk,
'til a biped's voice, shouts out "Let's go waaaaaaalk".
Round the blooooock!

Don't take that treat from me, it is too tasty.
Because I dropped it doesn't mean it's been discarded.
Wake up quick from that nap, come up howlin',
Bark loud for every treat you ever might have wanted.
I thought that squeaky toys were meant to be all tattered,
But I can't do that when there are seven crows to be scattered.

[Arf! Woof! Howl!]

I've just buried a steak bone in the flowers
And it will be good and dank and rancid come the wintertime.

In a big back yard, we'll dig in dirt,
'til a biped's voice, shouts out "What the heeeeeell!".
Run Pell Mell!

In a big back yard, we'll laze and sleep,
'til a biped's voice, shouts out "We are baaaaaaack!".
With a snaaaaack!

In a big back yard, dreams do come true,
'til a biped's voice comes out of the bluuuuuuue.
What'd I doooooo?

[Woof!]
[Arf-arf-arf-arf-arf!]

Fat Behind

2007-11-21T17:03:00.000-08:00

[With sincerest apologies to Candlebox for horking around with such a great song as Far Behind]

Now maybe, I didn’t mean to eat so much,
But I did it anyway.

And not maybe: Some would say the food went bad,
But I ate it anyway.

And now maybe, I cannot stand to ignore all the crumbles
As they fall onto the ground.

And now maybe, I might try to run when treats are flying;
Oh they were flying oh so high.

And then one day bipeds look at me, at what they call the shape.
They watch me waddle, as they start to call me home.

But then I had to use a little time
To take a rest again so I could reach them,
‘Cause I have a fat behind.

Now may-ay-ay-be I didn’t mean to eat up all this food,

But I did it anyway.
Now maybe some would say we’re left with not a scrap,
But I couldn’t share the grub.
No, no, no.

Couldn’t share the grub and watch you eat it.

Now maybe, I might have made a big mistake,
'Cause I grew with what I’ve gnawed.

Yes maybe, I might one day slim down great
But won’t you look at how I’ve grown,
Take a look at where food’s gone.

But then supper comes, the kibble holds a smell of what I crave for now in my mind,

As I waddle up to dine

And so every day I lose control;

Shame this food is gone

So soon, I couldn't help it,

So now I've got a fat behind.

Now may-ay-ay-be I didn’t mean to eat up all this food,

But I did it anyway.
Now maybe some would say we’re left with not a scrap,
But I couldn’t share the grub.
No, no, no.

[HOWL SOLO]

Now may-ay-ay-be, now maybe I didn’t mean to eat up all this food,

But I did it anyway.
Now maybe some would say we’re left with not a scrap,
But I couldn’t share the grub.
I know time has changed my waist,

It grows as I eat the crumbles on the ground,

Look at this chow hound

Yeah I wolf it down

Wolf it down

Maybe now just maybe I didn't mean to eat like this,

Now I've got a fat behind.

Got a fat behind.

Got a fat behiiiiiii-yi-yi-yi-iiiind.

My Favorite Thing

2007-11-21T17:02:00.000-08:00

[Beauregard and I were having a serious discussion last night while the bipeds were trying to sleep; slackers. We were comparing our adoption experiences from The Humane Society of Indianapolis and how we chose this particular family. I felt inspired to poetry again. So this morning I snuck down to the large male biped's computer while Beauregard created a minor distraction by jumping on the dining room table and running outside with the sausages. Luckily, the biped had kept iTunes running and Sugar’s “Your Favorite Thing” was playing, providing just the right inspiration for a beagle moved to aesthetics. So with sincerest apologies to Bob Mould:]

Tell me I’m your favorite thing;

You could say just anything.

I wouldn’t mind.

Licking your face till it’s night;

Take me to your home so right;

I wouldn’t mind. I wouldn’t mind;

Not at all.

Scratching on my head again;

Hoping that this never ends.

I wouldn’t mind.

It’s my yowls you can’t ignore,

Until you can’t stand anymore;

Hope you don’t mind. I wouldn’t mind.

Aw-roooooo, this wait is killing me.

I keep waiting, caged impatiently.

What do I need to do?

I’ll do anything you want me to.

I’ll chew every shoe that’s in your room

Along with all your other favorite things …

You’ve made me your favorite thing!
Let's see what the future brings!
I sure don't mind!

And I can't tell you how much love I feel.
I want to clap and bark like a seal.
I do not mind, if you don’t mind
Not at all

Awrooooo-ooooooo

Now that you’re my favorite thing,
Gimme what the food dish brings.

Getting belly-rubbed again,
Hoping that this never ends.

Now that I'm your favorite thing,
Let's see what treat bowl brings.

I don't know, I don't know ……

[Remember, folks, there are plenty of wonderful pets out there waiting to be adopted. If you do decide to add to your family, do try this option.]