Trolling For Tinfoil

2006-04-10T23:16:00.000-04:00

Where have I been?
I have been busy recording, for those of you who have been peeking in from time to time.
My time with the band is coming to a close, and I'm doing a solo project. I have enough of my own stuff to record a decent album, good enough musicians who owe me favors and an abundance of the nessesary Obessesive-Compulsive drive to make it sound like what I want, balanced with what I can afford.

As they get polished from the rough-as-a-cob sketch tracks to more polished versions, I will post a few.

The sketch tracks, to anyone who doesn't really know what they're for- Are gawd-awful recordings consisting of the melody, and one or two sparse instrumental tracks recorded in less that ideal surroundings. As a result, they sound like something you'd get from a cassette deck.
You play these back on a muti-thousand dollar studio control room system and they sound like fingernails on a chalkboard.
The good news is, you play them in front of other musicians who are used to it, and you watch as they listen and start to create their parts in their heads- The song starts to take on a life of it's own.

Fun stuff.
Mostly.

2006-02-26T15:28:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd let you in on what happens on the weekends. Some of it's good, some of it's annoying, but it is an assault on the senses most nights.

Here's me. No, I'm not being cool- I've retina scorching lights right in my eyes.

Crowd shot. She-who-must-not-be-named is dead center (blonde w/ arm raised) trying desperately to F*** w/ me.
She kept sending women over who "thought I was hot".. After a while, it got irritating.

It ain't all bad, though..

Now, you can't say you don't know what I look like.

Tagged By ~K

2006-02-22T13:26:00.000-05:00

1. Black and White, or color? How do you prefer your movies?
Color. To be more specific, I like the old 50's technicolor movies that they used to show on TBS when I was a kid. I grew up in Florida, where July and August were brutally hot- So, there were times when you just sat inside and watched those movies they showed in the afternoon.

2. What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death?
That depends. Some days, I am so distracted, everything bores me. I guess to be more specific- If I am having one of those "bad" days (and they happen a lot less lately, but I still relapse into the past every now and then..) everything annoys me. But outright, watch-paint-dry boring? Physics class used to do that to me. We had a teacher that spoke in a dry monotone and had all the personality of- Well, an engineer. The only thing I remember from physics is that things fall at a rate of 32 ft per second, and light travels at 186000 miles per second. That's it. ZZZZzzzz.

3. MP3's, CD's, Cassettes, or Vinyl?
MP3's as of late. I am a geek, you know. Yeesh.

4. If you were handed a first class plane ticket to anywhere in the world and ten million dollars and told all of it could be yours- IF you leave and don't tell anyone where you are going- ever. This includes family, friends- everyone. Forever. Would you do it?
Nope. Too selfish.
My family would be in anguish, never knowing what happened to me, and would always imagine the worst. Just not worth it. Believe me, I think about just disappearing quite often these days,but I'd at least let my family know.

5. What do you consider the world's most pressing issue now?
Islam.
I'm aware of the fact that that statement has some old "commie pinko lib'ruls" undertones, but the "religion of peace" seems to have declared active war on- Well.. Just about everyone. There seems to be no middle greound for them at the moment- At least for those making all the noise.

6. How would you rectify the world's most pressing issue?
Hmm. A simple, crude strategy would be to give them a continent. Let them have half of Jerusalem, all of Africa. May god or Allah help them if they do anything other than look across the border.
I know. It wouldn't work, but it's a thought. This is why I do not try to solve the world's problems.

7. You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be?
There is one person whom I wish I had never laid eyes upon. Other than that- and even when I include She-who-must-not-be-named, I am the sum of my experiences, both good and bad.

8. You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would it be?
Nothing. Things happen, and situations arise from those events. Now- If I could go back and observe? Lincoln would have been fun to see in action, as would Churchill, or maybe R.E. Lee.

9. Opera, or Grand Ole' Opry?
Both. One can be as tedious as the other, so I'd like to bounce between them when the other gets boring.

10. What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you'd like to solve?
JFK's assasination.
The infamous grassy knoll, the storm drain, Miami, the mob.. A lot of people died in odd ways. People that were connected in one way or another, just.. Gone. That strikes me as- I dunno..Against the law of averages.

11. What famous author would you like to have over for dinner. What would you serve?
Kerouac? Nope. Too self-absorbed. Tolstoy? Nope. Too tedious. Nabokov? Mmmmaybe.
I think I'll go for John D. MacDonald. He was the best comentator of modern society I have yet to see. He's since passed away, but if he were here, we'd have-
Steak, (grilled of course..) garlic mashed potatoes and salad. Nothing special, but I'd at least make sure I had some quality gin on hand for him.

12. You discover that John Lennon was right, and there's no hell below us, and above us there is only sky. What's the first immoral thing you would do to celebrate this fact?
Nothing. It's not the threat of hell that keeps me from doing immoral things. Everything has a price, and most immoral things cost you more than the pleasure derived from it. Mostly, I think I'd marvel at the fact that Lennon was right about something other than chord structure and a clever turn of phrase. People take musicians far too seriously as it is.

Re-Meme

2006-02-07T20:12:00.000-05:00

K~ from Life With Me In It tagged me. I looked at it and thought-
That- is not. What I feel like answering today.
Not that I'm some sort of "Meme elitist", bent on doing everything my way, but I thought the questions were kinda.. Meh. (K~ is most definitely NOT "meh" and- I'm pretty sure she could take me in an alley fight.)

Here's what I wanna know. (Yes, it is all about me, and it's high time y'all learned that..)

Rob's cheesy, nosy questions

1) When you think of someone, what pushes your "wow" buttons? In other words, is there a "type" or "types" that you go for? Are you an "eyes" person, one who goes for the artistic type, or rough around the edges? (This is a gender-neutral question, I think.)

2) Name something about the people you work with that pushes your "That really pisses me off" button. (Okay, be careful, cuz you never know who may read this. If in doubt, substitute a "people in general" response.)

3) 4) and 5) If you could have three wishes what would they be? (Difficulty- No "world peace and puppies for everyone" wishes. Let's be realistic about our unrealism, shall we?)

6) SuperBowl- Did the Steelers win outright, or did the Seahawks just lose an otherwise winnable game? (Sougata gets a pass on this, being a godless heathen and a ferriner to boot..)

Rob's inane answers

1) I like women to be sassy, able to withstand the onslaught of my "Rob-Fu". Okay, that's a bit overboard, but I like them with a sense of self.
Oh- Hot always helps.
2) I have several types at work who yank my chain on a regular basis, but the worst is when people assign me a problem, and then give me a ten minute dissertaion on what to do to correct the issue.
Here's all I need- Who. What. Where. Anything else, and you're torturing me with noises not at all unlike those made by Charlie Brown's Mom. WahWahWaaahWah.
Just - Let. Me. Go. I can assess the situation, ask questions and solve it quicker on my own.
-Wishes-

3) Wisdom the likes of Solomon. The ability to see every situation for what it really is.
4) The power to use said wisdom- Mostly for those directly around me. No world peace blather here.
5) To own and rule an island whose chief export would be those hot women they use in music videos.

6) The Seahawks lost that one. They let it slip away more so than the Steelers won.

Now- It's up to you if you want to post these in tour own blog, but truthfully, I'll be happy with some answers in the comments section.

SuperBowls and Songwriting

2006-02-05T17:00:00.000-05:00

I am of the opinion that there are only two times when Steeler's Fans are insufferable.

1) When they win.
2) When they lose.

The SuperBowl hasn't even started yet and I'm wincing already, anticipating a lot of breathless rehashing of the game, or worse yet- Endless whining about bad calls.

Just for the record though, this is probably the only time I will ever root for the Steelers, albeit half-assedly whilst I recline and snooze on the couch. In part, it's because I have a hard time getting worked up over the Seahawks. They're just so... Latte'.

I wouldn't rule out Holmgren and company altogether, but I think the Steelers have more heart, play with more intensity and have a defense that could've held off the Allies on D-Day.

The songwriting has come to a screeching halt, in part because of an abcessed tooth, making it hard to feel creative while my face is pounding. I get it drilled and filled on Wednesday, so here's hoping for the best. I also kinda poured out everything I had in me, writing one song that's as close to "me" as I dare get. It won't be hard for anyone to figure out who wrote it ten seconds into the song. It's also as good as anyhting I've ever written.

BTW.. My prediction for the Super bowl is Steelers over the Seahawks 31-27.

Creativity, or lack thereof

2006-02-02T15:19:00.000-05:00

Whelp.. The songwriting continues.

I had a really productive streak going strong, pumping out two so-so pieces, followed by two really solid ones, and then- I hit the wall.

It happens. The creative well runs dry, and you sit there staring at the wall mid-song.

I had a pretty nice little chord progression going, something akin to a melody brewing, but when it came time to put an idea or some kind of subject matter into it, everything came that came out of my head sounded like rejected Hallmark Cards from the 70’s. I don’t really like writing directly about meself, since- Well, that can make people squirm.

I don’t want them to squirm, I want them to absorb and enjoy the song, finding something of themselves in it. If it so happens that what I’m going through comes out in a song, fine, but I’m not going to dump my soul on the poor unsuspecting public.
That’s what I have this blog for. It’s reasonably anonymous, and I can vent my spleen upon you, the poor unsuspecting readers. Ha!

The sunday update.

2006-01-29T17:50:00.000-05:00

Just because I feel guilty, I suppose, for neglecting the Troll, I am throwing this up just to keep you apprised of my life, as boring as it is of late.

I've really been on a songwriting tear, in part because this process is so unobtrusive- You can hit a button and just let ideas roll out without regard to the recording going on. I normally get the "Red Light Jitters" which means you get self-conscious when the tape rolls. This makes it silent enough to forget about.

I've finished a couple, but it'll be a few weeks, maybe months before I get them to a point where I can link to them. They're just rough sketches, and they'll need to be polished, honed and perfected before I let them out.

I've been furously uprading the PC, installing bigger hard drives, since songs in rough format suck up vast anounts of drive space. This required drive imaging software, a big ol' Western Digital 250 gig Hard Drive and getting my finicky MoBo to recognize both PATA and SATA drives. My original drive is now in an external USB enclosure for backup and whatnot. That was a pain in the ass, lemme tell ya. When i got the new MoBo i lost a crapload of data, but it wasn't anything I couldn't live without, but I'll be damned if I'll do it twice. Last time I blew the drive away mostly because I ran out of patience.

The band is taking off, which is really frightening. As much as there's tension and whatnot (which has mostly subsided) the sound on stage is better than sex at times. I swear, it really is. It's both visceral and audible, feeding right into my "I Need to feel good" circuit in my brain and for a period of time, all is well in the world. The guitarist and I (yes, THAT guitarist..) are working on the original stuff- So, .. Um.. That has been oddly productive.

My life, if it weren't so boring, would be great screenplay fodder as a side, "isn't he odd" kind of character.
I have not really felt the need to date, or find someone to fill any voids in my life, which is both re-assuring, and odd. I do mental double-takes at times when I'm driving, taking stock of Rob- such as I am. I am usually content to just putter along, doing as I please, marching to the beat of whatever it is that I'm amusing myself with.

I've been on dates, but they are not so much an interview for a future Significant Other so much as entertainment. Provided they're attractive enough to be amusing. It sounds shallow, I know, but if I'm going to subjuct myself to a date, she damn well better be pleasing to look at. At the end of the night, kisses are exchanged, but then I scurry away to come home and play my guitar.

Update

2006-01-22T16:38:00.000-05:00

I have not fallen off the edge of the blogosphere. Really.

I have found this nifty open source recording program called Auacity, which lets you do mutli-track recording right on your PC. You can do all kinds of things with minimal (and I do mean minimal) cost. I have a standard cheapie microphone tapped into a run-of-the-mill sound card, and- Presto. I wouldn't put any of this onto a CD, but it's a great way to sketch out ideas.

This seems to have sucked up what littel creative energy I have as of late, but it seems like a harmless obsession at the moment. I have a bunch of little pieces if ideas, nothing close to full songs as of yet- I seem to get to a point where I have to cross the line into full song, and it's there I get timid. You can take a great idea for a song and completely wreck it if you push too hard. At the same time, you can psyche yourself out if you get too timid. At some point, I'm going to have to forge ahead and just finish one of them.

First it died, then it arose

2006-01-09T22:58:00.000-05:00

My PC, that is.

In response to K~'s not-so-gentle reminders, I hereby offer an explanation of sorts.
My motherboard, or as we refer to it in "the biz" - The "MoBo" (Envision finger quoting motions for added emphasis) appeared to have....
Wait.
Let me back up a little.

I was having some wonderful pitched battles with the Gauls, the Numidians, and those damn Spaniards- who kept attacking at every turn- all in the course of conquering the ancient world in the wonderful universe known as "Rome- Total War". Just as I was all set to take on house Julii (another roman faction) the PC.. She no boot.

EEk! In a fit of "conquestus interuptus"-I rushed out and dropped way too much money on a power supply at BestBuy, as Rome waits for noone, and I had cities rioting...

oh- Hang on, luv..
*Checks Email*
Apparently, K~ AND Bonnie are putting on their cheerleading outfits and heading to the airport.
Heh.. Be careful what you wish for, ladies..

Ok, where was I?
Right.
Making excu- Er.. Writing an explanation.
Okay- So, I shelled out 90 dolla for a humongo overkill powersupply, but, hey- I don't want to cook this one just as Rome itself lies within my grasp, now, do I?

I get home, eviscerate my now-defunct PC, frantically insert the new and improved Power Supply, push the power button, all the while licking my lips in anticipation...
"C'mon, baby- Daddy has to keep Carthage in check and build up the Cav.."
Nada.
(Keep in mind, I do this for a living.)

I was officially Pissed.
Officially.
Royally.
Totally Jacked.

I (after the fact, mind you..) check all the ratings, connection compatibilities and read the specs all of which revealed nothing out of the ordinary.
Must be the MoBo. (Finger quotes)

I have nothing to lose, so I now drop ANOTHER 300 dolla on an AMD 64-bit 1200 mhz front-side-bus-mother-of-all-motherboards via Tiger Direct.

This evening, I'm a little bored, there's naught on TV but re-runs and almost-sports- Sooo, I start piddling with the case and connections a little absent-mindedly all the while getting a cheap football fix watching a replay of the 87 Browns-Broncos game. The new (finger quotes) MoBo will be here tomorrow, so.. Whatthehell.

I take it down to the empty case, reseat all the connections, chase all the dust buffalos from the corners and fans and start putting it back together piece-by-piece.
I get Lazarus back to a minimal boot state and sorta half-heartedly hit the power button..

BEEP!
! ........!! WTF!

So, I plugged it all back in, and here I sit- Waiting for a very expensive (finger quotes) MoBo to arrive.
I'll use it anyway. I mean..
I already paid for it and all.
*sigh*
I am such a gadget slut.

Tagged By ~K. Quirks? Heheh..

2005-12-24T15:39:00.000-05:00

According to ~K, I need to post five quirky or "odd" things about myself.
I think you'd be better off asking those around me to be honest. Most everything I do seems fairly normal to me.
Heh..They would most likely have a hard time stopping at five.
Yikes. That would really be an open invitation to abuse.

Soo, I'll come up with them.
*tap fingers*

Here goes.
Quirks.... *crickets chirping*

Okay- I got it.

1) I only wear black socks to work. Notice, I said to work. Lest your brains fill with images of me wearing shorts and black socks with sandals, or sweats replete with the "dork badge" at the gym, I repeat- only to work.
I do this because my bedroom is usually dark, and it's just easier to grab a pair when they're all the same color.

2) I have a tendency to hit the "Enter" key with a little too much elan, if you ask my co-workers. Think of a pianist hitting the final note in a sonata, striking the note quickly with a flourish at the end.
I have no idea why.
[Enter/flourish]

3) I hate- No.. Detest, despise, revile- talking on the phone. I screen all my calls even if it's family. If they leave a desperate enough sounding message, I pick up.

4) I have a horrible poker face. Whatever is running through my mind, my face reflects it like a running ticker tape.

5) I like "The Gilmore Girls". It's in re-run time right now, but I can't help it. It sucked me in. I was forced to watch it one night on a date-ish kinda night and, and.. Hey- It was her TV, so it's not like I wanted to.
(Just so I don't have to surrender my "man card", I also watch way too much of the History Channel.)

Okay.
*Rubs hands together, looks around*
I hereby tag Sougata (Oh, that oughtta be good..)
Bonnie, who can respond in the comments section if she likes
and...
That's it.

Faux News

2005-12-22T16:10:00.000-05:00

I got sucked into a mini-flamewar on Fark..

It was mostly harmless, but it's Christmas break and all the students seems to have nothing better to do than troll.
I admire the cleverness of the left, their ability to poke holes in the status quo and question all things sacred- But at times, they get so proud of themselves for being snarky, I feel compelled to step in and be the lone bent tuning fork in an echo chamber.
They were bitching about Fox News.
Fine. I bitch about NPR.
They call it Faux News.
That's Cute. Clever.
They seethe because they're biased.
True. So what?

The real issue seems to be that it's now the number one cable news channel.
Uh-Oh.

Not only have they lost the White House, they've lost their monopoly on all media outlets. They call it propaganda, half-truths and outright lies. Anyone remember Connie Chung and Newt Gingrich? That's bias.

They were amusing themselves coming up with imaginary polls to place on Fox's website, and there were some funny ones.

At this point, I jumped in with the following:

Which bothers you more-
a) They're number one
b) They cater to an audience upon whom I wouldn't pour bong water should they catch fire
c) I am somehow unable to turn the channel and find news presented in a more palatable fashion
d) They're just stupid.. And republican. And I hate them. I have tee-shirts to prove it.

Suddenly it wasn't so much fun. Sarcasm and broad brushing is completely fine- Aimed at someone else. So, I took some shots, pointed out the obvious until it became a battle of moral relativism, at which point I left.

Ah.. Passion without perspective is what college is for, isn't it?

2005-12-21T09:32:00.000-05:00

It's getting close to Christmas.

So close, in fact- I can hear the money draining out of my bank account so fast it makes a gurgling sound.
Ahh, the sweet sound of poverty and debt.

My daughter is of an age where she's hard to buy for- I've crossed the threshold of knowing what's "in" any more, so I have gracefully surrendered and trudge dutifully up to the counter and ask for gift certificates.
Places like "Wet Seal" and "Hollister".
I have that slightly confused "Dad" look when I go in there.

Her Senior Pictures are up for choosing now-
Ye gods, what a racket that is. A Parent will pay almost any price for these, since... Well- She does look wonderful, and I do need some for my desk- and a couple for the Grandparents and Aunts, and a big one for the house, and a few wallet sized, and..
You see what I mean?

It's gonna cost a small fortune.

If I don't post anything between now and the Holidays, may the best of the season be with you and yours.

RCP

2005-12-14T08:51:00.000-05:00

Things are pretty good on planet Rob.

Not stupendous, not award-winning, but- Not bad either.
I bought myself a video card that will handle Doom3 and "Rome: Total War" without chopping it down to 14.4 modem speed. It's pretty hard to control war elephants when you can't see where they went.

I can chase them down and stop them before they disappear over the horizon now. Unfortunately, by the time I get them stopped, the legionaires have decimated my Pikemen.
Very unpredictable, those elephants.

It then occurred to me that my old CRT is .. Well.. A CRT.
Sooo, I bought a 19 inch LCD to compliment the spiffage that has ensued with the hot video card. I mean.. Killing things on Mars requires a lot of resolution, and my 17 inch behemoth just wasn't up to high-res Martian massacres. According to UPS, I should have my new monitor sitting at my doorstep when I get home, but- I have a gig every nite this week, so I won't get much time to decimate the demonic Martian horde. I'll hook it up and sneak a few missions in just to see.

Boy, are those nasty creatures gonna be surprised. I should die every 10 minutes or so, as opposed to every five, when I was all old-school and Cathode-Ray.

Of grumpiness and Baby Pictures.

2005-12-04T20:37:00.000-05:00

Our lead singer has asked me to revive an old habit left over from the old band days.

It would seem the website is starved for content, so he asked me to write something, keeping everyone informed, or at the very least- Mildly amused, and possible offended. We used to call it “Rob’s Corner”, but that just seems a little too… Ah, screw it. “Rob’s Corner” still works just fine. See how my brain works? It's going to be a little separate page, where I turn my jaundiced eye on the public and the band scene in general.

I get to be the counterpoint to his relentless enthusiasm. Yes, Jim is really like that..
He's this large, bald force of nature, women find him irresistable, and the people love to watch him. I'ts what makes him a great front man.

He’s eternally positive, which is really irritating if you’re grumpy. Especially when you’re grumpy.

I like my grumpiness. Our drummer has rubbed off on me, and I have adopted some of his curmudgeonly ways- Besides..It’s fun being grumpy. You really get in the groove, your’e feeling it, you’ve built up your own little cloud of rain that follows you around, people step aside in the malls and you scare dogs and small children.

In bounds Jim, all “positive” and “happy”. Poof. Your rain cloud vanishes. Ya gotta be all happy now, because he’ll wear ya down. He’ll whip out the baby pictures if you keep trying to be grumpy, and no bad mood on the planet will stand up to baby pictures, dammit. We’re going to send him to the middle east, if they can’t learn to get along.

Neglect

2005-11-29T21:19:00.000-05:00

My poor blog..

I have been neglecting it as of late. Thanks to the gentle, and not-so-gentle reminders that I was past due for my updates..

No drama here. *gasp*
Really.

I'm dating, but I can't get into anything serious, just because- Well.. I am in no shape for that and unfit for human consumption. Dates are nice. If it gets more serious than that, alarm bells sound and I vanish, only to have to sheepishly explain that I am, at heart- A coward and don't like to break bad news to someone who may or may not want more.

This doesn't mean that I don't pursue "friends with benefits", but both parties must understand clearly what the rules are. So far, I haven't dabbled in that too much. It will probably get complicated also.

I haven't given much more thought to Dallas as of late, only because I'm comfortable back here at home, but.. If it keeps bubbling up, I'll give it it's due consideration. I have yet to be "seductificated" to quote Sougata..

I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was free of drama- Mine was. My sister from Connecticutt slept here, which is nice. It's nice to have a house that people feel comfortable in.

That's al for now-

R

Post Dallas-

2005-11-20T22:01:00.000-05:00

Dallas was nice-

(It sparked a lot of fun comments)

While I was there, I managed to see two of my uncles-
One lives on a nice sized lake outside of Dallas, the other in DeSoto. I visited the lakeside house, which was lovely, even if it was a headlights-only kind of tour. The other has a hobby-band and is a great musician in his own right, so I got to play with him while there. He took me around to a couple of clubs and I sat in with some really good players, and managed to hold my own to the point where they offered me work.. Nice to see I can play in that league.

It feels very comfortable there.. The people say "hello" readily and without pretense, there's a thriving music scene, and I have family there.
The thought of moving was constantly burbling in the the back of my head, but I like to toy with the idea more than actually comitting to it.

I have no real reason to move- I have a good job, I can find work here as a musician without having to kiss anyone's ass, and my immediate family is also here.

But, by the same reasoning, I don't have anything here to keep me from moving.

Interesting dilemna, no?

I have never in my life just "picked up and moved" to a new place except when I was much younger and more resilient. My step father was in the Air Force, so we racked up three moves, which is pretty good for an Air Force family.

It is somethingto think about, but it needn't be an all consuming obsession.

Blogging from Dallas

2005-11-15T23:07:00.000-05:00

Here I sit, smoking in my Hotel room, blogging in my underwear on a kingsize bed, using a wireless connection and drinking Ice Water while watching PBS.

Not bad, eh?
I may never leave.

I'm in the "Big D" all week, undergoing printer training -but- I have two uncles that live here, so I get to see family. I do like it here, Buuut.. It has it's drawbacks.
Traffic is a friggin' nightmare.
This town is "tech heavy", up to it's butt in geeks, so moving here is a quickly discarded notion.

God knows I love the Cowboys, and there's lots to see and do and the women are friggin' stunning..
*sigh* But- I'd starve.

I really like the way the women dress here-
(Oh, I know, I know..I wouldn't fare any better, since I think I'm looking for a woman who looks like a model, fucks like a porn star, cooks like Martha Stewart and knows what right and wrong is. Compromises will have to be made. )

I have a friend who states flat out that women come in three styles, and you can have any two of the following choices-

Hot
Sane
Single

Pick any two, he says, and that's as good as it gets.

Eh. It's full moon, which means I get the male version of PMS and ponder ridiculous shit like this.

I have nuthin' to bitch about..

2005-11-08T16:10:00.000-05:00

Well, I have nothing to bitch, whine or pine about today. Truthfully, most days are like that, except that I can't ever seem to find the "off" switch.
My daughter's senior play is on Thursday, and I was reminded that it might be nice to get flowers to give to her afterwards. It's tradition, or so I'm told..She's quite the little actress, lemme tell ya. This is why women rule- They seem to exist in that world where details are easily and matter-of-factly recalled. I do not possess that skill, to the degree that I'm somewhat notorious for being disorganized. It's only lately (in the past few years to be exact) that I have grown weary of being an out of control slob. Bills are paid on time, dishes are done, laundry is done, usually once a week- Out of a semi rigorous routine I've developed.
This week I didn't take the trash to the curb. I felt like a lazy bum for not doing so, but I'm just one person in my house, so it's not like I generate tons of trash as it is. There's no health risk, but- I could've done it.
When I let things slide, even little trivial things- I feel like I'm getting out of control.
You see how my mind works?
Eh- This post is going nowhere fast, but I felt like I should post something other than the daily diary of a co-dependant dweeb..

Closure?

2005-11-06T20:17:00.000-05:00

I got a very nice email from one of the regulars- It pretty much stopped me in my tracks, made me thankful that I have nice people who check in on the semi-regular updates and see where the soap opera is going.

I don't really kmow where to begin, or should I say, i don't know how to gracefully sugue into the unusual week that I had playing four nights in the place where the ex works, next to the man who .. I guess for lack of a better word- is like a living monument to my own naivete' and stupidity.

Saturday afternoon brought an unusual call from the ex- Her PC was broken, so she called and wanted to know if she could use my PC to download some pages for her class.
I went into instant doormat mode and said "sure' without thinking..
After I hung up, a voice in the back of my mind said "She crapped all over you, she calls and wants to use your computer and all you can say is "sure"?
So, she shows up, I log her on, complete with the image of a middle finger raised in salute that I placed there after I deleted the picture of her and I. I think she got the point, but in my defense, it's been there for months, and I've grown fond of it.

I decided to go get a cup of coffee. If I'm seeing someone with the understanding that it's exclusive, it hardly seems appropriate to be that close to her. Knowing her, it was planned anyway.
I come back, and small talk is exchanged, and it is mentioned that I will have company at the show this evening, but I was hoping to shield her from gossip.. She says- "That's hardly my fault"...
My brain exploded. Red flash of pure, blinding rage.
I kept my voice calm, since there really was no point in yelling, but I explained to her that yes, is was indeed her fault, since it was all so unnessesary to begin with. I wouldn't be going through any of this if it weren't for her.

I went outside, and she left, leaving a ten on the desk, with a note that said "thanks".

She then called about a half hour later.

That conversation was the result of my inner explosion, but it was a long, and intense conversation, each of us hammering our points home. Not mean or aggressive, mind you, but really hammering at things until we got each of our feelings through.
It would have never worked had she not left herself so little wiggle room as a result of her actions. She is faced with her self, undeniable evidence that something in her thought process is wired wrong, so that made my job a lot easier.

I eventually got something of an apology.

It was like all the anger and resentment melted, if only for a while. I know that while she occupies a huge chunk of my emotions, I have no desire to return to that.

You should keep in mind that I haven't always apologized for my actions, but I came to a place three and a half years ago where resolving to work on what caused me to behave that way was the only escape from myself- That's AA at work.

She still carries resentments from my drinking days. I cannot undo any of that except to demonstrate daily, in deeds and speech that I recognize that I was an alcoholic, and do my utmost to address those things that made me an alcoholic. Sometimes obsessively, maniacally so, to the detriment of all else around me. Nonetheless, effort was and is being made to change and to grow, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I do this for me- Not for her. It's my liferaft to which I cling. No matter what happens around me, as long as I hold on and develop myself- an do NOT put any chemicals in my body- I have a shot.
At what, I don't know.. More will be revealed, but all I have to do is check the evidence in my life and know that I am blessed, possessing more inner peace (even through all this!) than I have ever had since a child. I can look at myself in the mirror. I owe no one anything other than the truth, no explanations, no rationalizations, no justifications, just- This is who I am, and I am the sum of my actions, daily.

I grew into that, and she stayed the same and the inequity became all too obvious. Now it's her turn to grow, but it saddens me that it's too little too late.
I wish her the best.

Cheeleaders and post gig thoughts

2005-11-05T01:54:00.000-05:00

I've been chuckling at my own personal glee club. It seems to have taken on a life of it's own..

I am a lucky man.

I came home, a little tired, very dispirited, and checked my comments.
Heh.
Nice pick me up at the end of a long day.

That being said....

I have to get out of this godawful band. It is sucking the life out of me. No band is worth this, I don't care how good the players are.. I don't need attention that bad. I hate that I ever had to deal with any of this, I'm tired of the raging battle between logic and hurt feelings, but mostly.. It just sucks.

I can't heal and move on when it's in my face all the time. I have moments where I am at peace with all this, but I see or hear something that slams it back, and I have to start from scratch all over again. I need time and separation from all this.

Then I can stop pining and whining.
Period.

The quick and dirty.

2005-11-02T14:01:00.000-05:00

It's been somewhat eventful as of late, and at the same time, not really.

My apologies for the delay-
I didn't feel like dumping as of late, and there really isn't much to write about that doesn't annoy me, since it's just been more pointless drama.

I feel like a bit player in "Jerry Springer- The Musical".

Thankfully, I'm not the star.

The updates, which shall be quick and dirty..

1) He called and said he'd broken it off with her.

2) He then didn't hear from her (but I had..) and went to see her after telling his wife that he "wanted to see if she was OK".
At midnight.

3) She lets him...

4) She gets nervous and takes the baby and goes over, at which point a minor, but civil showdown takes place.

5) Denial met reality. Briefly.

6) He dicides to work it out w/ wife after my ex expresses doubts.

Now, I personally don't think it'll last long since they both have the self control of lemmings.

I have to play (again) at the Winner's Circle where I will get to be the disgraced, co-dependent ex boyfriend. Yay.
I have no idea what part they'll be playing.

I only have to endure this until the end of the year, since I wanted to be as dignified as possible, salvaging what little is left of my pride and give the band notice. (Plus, I need the money, but not so much that if it gets freaky, I'm pulling the plug and leaving on the spot.)

That's realy all I have. The dating scene for me is what it is, and when I forget that- Trouble starts. But as long as I let things happen as they're supposed to, then I'm OK. I don't need more drama.

Good day.. With Cheerleaders even.

2005-10-23T19:57:00.000-04:00

Woo HOO!

It's been a relatively angst-free weekend. (You can all breathe a sigh of relief and stop wincing as you open the page..)

I have my own cheering section- K~ and Bonnie have been most supportive through all my sniveling and navel gazing.
I now have them visualized in my head wearing little cheerleader outfits with on "R" on the front.

I had originally asked them for permission, but- It's too late. The visual is firmly esconced in my perverted little noggin. Oh, sure- Sougata and Jyoti have benn extremely helpful as well, but they look really .. Sad in the cheerleader outfits. *Scrubs brain*

Grains of sand vs pearls of wisdom

2005-10-21T16:12:00.000-04:00

This will be a quickie, more or less.

I don't have many grains of sand I must polish into a pearl today. Just the same ones, lessening with each day.

There are certain grim satisfactions I have, and I'm no better for feeling a small lump of cold bitterness towards them. It will turn out the way it's supposed to, and God does not need my help rectifying injustices done to me. He gives each of us as much rope as we ask for.

It is my belief that this holds true for everyone.

In short- You can do anything you damn well please, just don't bitch and moan when the bill comes due. Everything has a price.

I have been bitching and moaning. The bill came due, and it was a great surprise to me that I held on to things that I knew to be absurd.

One is the realization that I was basically acting like her parent, letting her go her own way, wallow in her own wreckage, never really letting her out of my sight, and then swooping in to pick her up before someone else did.

I'm not her dad.

No matter where I am or who I'm dating- I will not share emotional space and energy with someone else unless it's a child.
This is the very reason I bailed in the first place. I was tired of it, and I was kind of OK with thinking she was dating someone else, but then all my assumptions and illusions were put to the test.

Betrayal, deceit? Secondary to the fact that I would not stand in line while she chased her emotions.

One thing she said from our last conversation that sticks with me-
"I became what you always said I was".

No, not really.
You just did what I always thought you'd do.. You followed the irresistable pull of your emotions, in spite of reason, logic, honesty, respect of others and respect of self.
It's just simple selfishness in pursuit of a feeling.

I just didn't think you'd do it in such a spectacular fashion.

Gambles, truth and bitterness.

2005-10-19T16:12:00.000-04:00

This has come to be the place where I go when I need to swallow some uncomfortable truths about myself.
It's a process, documented on the web for the world to see, and most of you are checking in to see where it goes next.
I can also look back and see what "magic feather" I was holding onto for that particular time to keep myself afloat.
(So far, everyone has been very understanding and supportive, and for that I wish to extend my sincerest gratitude.) The emails and comments I have received thus far have been most welcome, encouraging and thought provoking. I especially welcome thought provoking. My overblown sense of self-pity doesn't need reinforced, since to feed it will only encourage it. (Which doesn't seem to stop me from doing it though..)

Some have said "Don't blame yourself".
I don't.

At least not in the sense that I am filled with a sudden crushing onset of sunken self-esteem. Yesterday's "Binky" analogy has mutated today into something else. Today's chunk of "truth-as-I-know-it-and-must-be-swallowed" comes in the form of this mighty burst of insight..

Some have said cheating was the thing that broke us up, and I have defended against that assumption, but I could never articulate it well until now. Cheating, or the ever-present "someone else" was merely a side effect of a greater affliction. I cut her loose twice because of these side effects, trying in vain to get her to see that what you feel does not justify your actions. Unfortunately, logic never stood a chance against "feeling".

I would talk, sometimes yell in frustration- "You can't do whatever you want and later wash it all away by saying you can't help how you feel!"

It. did. not. compute.

Mighty logic is useless against feeling. Especially when emotions are her drug of choice. They don't have to be good emotions- just intense ones. In the face of overwhelming evidence that actions will result in a bad situation, she persisted with odd, seemingly totally self-destructive behavior.

I would shake my head, get so frustrated that I could scream out loud and let her go, hoping against hope that she would see that everything has a price, no matter how it makes you feel at the moment. You can't fix someone who is addicted and doesn't want to be fixed.
I let her go, keeping a close eye on her- Waiting for the day that she punished herself enough that she finally got it.

Oh, sure.. I knew that it may never work out, and that I would lose her forever, in which case I saw myself being philosophical and moving on. The risk I ran was that she would find someone I vaguely knew, I would never see her much and life would go on. Never did I think that any of this would happen, so close that wer'e all getting bombed by the fallout, and I'd have to deal with all the layers of the onion as they're peeled back right in front of me, in my face.

Every plan has a flaw. Mine was that I was irreplaceable- Or so I thought.

Now, he has a major flaw to deal with.. She'll use how she feels to justify anything, and the day he makes unhappy, he will find out what that means.
The very gate he walked in through he has not locked behind him.
His divorce and custody battles will be painful, brutal and bitter. I don't wish him any ill will there. He owns it because he broke it. However- When all the external influences die down, and they can't hide in each other, doing the "two lovers against all odds routine" they are left with each other. That's when I will sit on the sidelines, order a hot dog and watch. Two wounded bears in a cage with nothing to feed on but each other.
Yikes.

We'll see how I feel, and hopefully it won't matter by then.

Possibly the most disjointed post ever.

2005-10-18T15:07:00.000-04:00

I guess any day that I don't drink is really a good one.
Most days it's like a little pilot light on a gas stove. There, but barely noticeable.

Today- Or to be more precise- The last two weeks it's been a roaring bonfire, blazing up when fuel has been added to the fire, and then having consumed the immediate fuel, it settles down to a dull roar in the back of my head.
Think of wanting a cigarette all day, every day for two weeks. You kind of adjust to it, try to compensate and do healthy things (gym, clean the house- Anything constructive..) instead of hiding from it. It just becomes background noise, more or less, but it does wear you down.

The good news is, it's really just a sign of weakness leaving, if you want to get all metaphorical about it.

The things that make it flare up? It usually means I've been denied the things that I use to make myself feel better.
You can pick your obvious poisons-
Work (Nope)
Power *snort*
Money *chuckle*
Sex *hmm..*
Co-Dependency *dingdingding* Winnah!

It would appear that I have real issues with people pleasing and co-dependency.
God, that sounds so trite and cliche'd, buuuuut- The obvious is so hard to ignore at times, I annoy myself.

This explains a lot about me and how my brain works-
Imagine standing in the middle of a busy intersection blindfolded. Some things you can sense coming, others just come along out of the blue and mow you down. You would think I'd find a less busy intersection but I can't.

It's my brain and I'm sorta stuck with it.

Drinking would slow the traffic down to a manageble speed, but clearly this is unnacceptable if one wishes to live a normal life of any consequence.

Being with someone else who made me feel good (as long as I was with her, and never let her out of my sight..) worked as a nice substitution for a while, but I outgrew her. She has stayed where she was, or gotten much worse, if I were to be blunt.

Later, It was an obvious mismatch. But, she was like my "binky" even if, as a binky she was terrible.

I tried to fix said binky.

Binky didn't want to be fixed.

I threw the binky away, but not so far I couldn't run back and pick it up.

Eventually, someone else came along and told the binky that it was a good binky, and under-appreciated.

Okay, enough of the binky stuff, but that's pretty much how my mind works. I didn't really want it as it was, but I didn't want anyone else to have it either.

Here's the good part.
I can replay last night's conversation, listening to her, and know that I don't live in that world anymore.
I did at one time, listening to her phrases, the things that she says to convince herself, and knowing there's a good person waaaaay down in there. I used to speak and think just like that, but the separation has made the obvious differences more tangible.

I am kind of watching, with part of my mind saying with a heavy mental sigh- "This ought to be .. tragic." The other part of me is going "Mine! Mine!" Even if I didn't want to put up with all the negative crap anymore.

I have enough sense to look at it like one watches a squirrel running across a busy street. You just know that the squirrel is going to get hammered, but the nut is too tempting.
You have sort of a detatched grimness about you as squirrel grabs the nut and starts back, only to get pounded by a minivan, his little squirrel life ended right there and then.

You knew it'd happen, but you don't speak squirrel, so it's not like you could warn him-

But you feel sad nonetheless.