Mental Sword Fighting

Just 'Cuz Everyone Else Is Doing It

2006-02-10T20:17:00.000-05:00

Hey, if it's good enough for Ian and Doug, I guess I can fuck with this iTunes Survey thing that's been floating around the blogosphere.... Here goes nothin'.

How Many Songs: 2147 (Bear in mind that a lot of my CDs are not ripped to iTunes, due to my iPod's current lack of functionality and various computer problems, plus the fact that I often burn CD's and remove them from my computer-- in other words, that number is low. I'm a much, much, much bigger music dork than that number suggests....)

Sort by song

First Song: "$$$$," Desaparecidos

Last Song: "Zenophile," Mylo

Sort by artist

First artist: 10 Years (cringe....)

Last artist: Zero 7

Sort by time

Shortest Song: "Pagina Uno. Introduccion," Prefuse 73/The Books (0:07)

Longest Song: "Cop Shoot Cop," Spiritualized (17:13)

Sort by album

First album: 2001, Dr. Dre

Last album: You Forgot It In People, Broken Social Scene

Top Three Most Played Songs: (Note: I tend to listen to full albums in the car, while I tend to fixate on one specific song when I'm at home, and play it ad nauseum for about a week straight until I get sick of it)
1. "Thunderstruck," AC/DC (45-- god, thats a lot)
2. "Bleed From Within," The Music (23)
3. "Infra-Red," Placebo (20)

Song That First Comes Up On Shuffle: "All of My Thoughts," Spiritualized (weird....)

Search...

"Sex," How many songs come up?: 4
"Death," How many songs come up?: 21 (thank you, Death From Above 1979)
"Love," How many songs come up?: 63
"You," How many songs come up?: 252

See, wasn't that just barrels of fun? Didn't you learn so much about me?

Such Great Heights

2006-02-06T19:25:00.000-05:00

Being someone who relies primarily on Soulseek to hear most of the new music that passes through my ears, I often have a thought when downloading/listening to an advance copy of an album: Is this really the album? In that, have I just downloaded something which I will think for the rest of all time is truly the album, when in fact it's just a leaked teaser to throw off assholes like me? Can I truly be sure of what I'm hearing?

Granted, it's a fleeting thought, because quite frankly, who would do that? Who would release an entire dummy album that sounds enough like the band to deceive people into believing it is truly the album? I mean, Madonna releasing 30 second snippets and then laughing maniacally and cursing downloaders for the rest of the track(s)-- sure, I can see that. But the fear of a dummy album is largely unwarranted, and the thought quickly passes.

In a related note, at this point in my life, you would think I've learned not to overhype things in my mind before actually hearing them. I tend to do this often-- when I hear that a band I enjoy is releasing a new album, I get all giddy imagining the awesomeness that will soon explode in my eardrums. Inevitably, I am left disappointed as expectations are not met. Most recently, this happened with Kanye-- as I've written before, immediately upon hearing "Diamonds" I was ready to ink Late Registration onto my Top 10 list, only to be severely underwhelmed upon hearing the full album.

Recently, I was confronted with both of these abject thoughts upon hearing the new albums from two bands that I unabashedly adore and was/am extremely excited for-- Elan Vital by Pretty Girls Make Graves and Placebo's Meds. One is a case in which both of these thoughts crash headlong into themselves, while the other is one in which these thoughts are quickly abandoned.

First, Elan Vital. Now, I understand that certain albums are growers, ones in which you've got to invest a significant amount of time to discover the subtle nuances found within and allow the whole thing to sink into your brain. And maybe this is the case with Elan Vital, that I just have to live with this album and let it sink into me a little bit more, grow to appreciate what the first handful of listens have failed to illuminate to my addled little brain. However, my first reaction upon finally hearing this album, an album I had mentally pegged as likely to be one of 2006's finer works, was Is this it?

It's not that it's a bad album-- in fact, I could easily see, if I give it a chance, it growing into a work of art that I truly appreciate and enjoy. However, upon first hearing it, I was forced to wonder if I had in fact downloaded the album or rather some unfinished demos. I mean, the songs are alright, but they seem to be lacking that trademark PGMG burst of intensity and white hot heat, found on tracks like "All Medicated Geniuses" or "This Is Our Emergency." The only real song found here that truly harkens back to that same vein is album opener "The Nocturnal House," with it's whistle blowing rev-up will sure to be a delight in the live experience. "Wildcat" is another song that harkens back to older PGMG, although again, lacking in that certain brand of intensity.

However, the rest of the album abounds in good ideas-- it just seems as if they've remained unfinished, like the band was gonna add the finishing sheen to them, only to move on and say "Fuck it." It's not to say that songs such as "Pyrite Pedestal" or "The Number" aren't interesting or worthwhile ideas, for they are-- they just seem to be missing that traditional spark that made previous PGMG albums so interesting and fun. "Pictures of a Night Scene" exemplifies this idea perfectly: it spends two minutes slowly building the tension, making you believe that another "This is Our Emergency" type monster is coming. Hell, get past the odd jazz flourishes, and the last 30 seconds begin to push the tempo, and you figure the big pay off is coming-- only to have the song simply peter out abrubtly. And thats sort of how the album is as a whole-- you can see where they were going, and what they were trying to do, but it doesn't seem as if they quite get there, at least not nearly as well as they did on The New Romance.

As I wrote above, I am fairly certain there are things to be discovered within this album, and I would not be surprised if given time, this album winds up at least within sniffing distance of my Best of 2006. After all, it would be wrong of me to simply expect The New Romance Redux, and I'm certainly willing to give a band as talented and esteemed (at least by me) as Pretty Girls Make Graves every opportunity to prove me wrong. So do not be surprised to hear me change my tune about this album in a month or so- but as of right now, I can't help but once again be disappointed by my own minds overhyping and wonder if I did in fact download the true album.

This is not the case, however, with Placebo's Meds. In a review of their last album for the Kenyon Collegian, I wrote something like the Placebo blueprint was something to be studied and emulated by any young band stalking the Earth-- namely, that four albums in, they've continued to improve, each album better than the last. Well, with Meds, album number five, they continue to back up that point, as this is unquestionably their best work yet.

Whereas previous Placebo album showed frequent flashes of catchy rocking and witty brilliance, they were often balanced out by boring clunkers that necessitated the fast forward button. Sleeping With Ghosts came close to alleviating this problem, but still featured some songs which I could have done without ("Plasticine" and "Something Rotten" being two primary examples). With the exception of "Space Monkey," Meds is primarily an exercise in enjoyable rocking out for this humble fan.

One of the things that Placebo has always had going for it is its ability to craft balls out, catchy as hell anthems seemingly at will-- see "Every Me, Every You," "The Bitter End," "Second Sight," "Slave To The Wage," etc. So when I read that this album was designed to be a return to their live rock roots, I was excited, and that excitement is well founded-- this album is chock ful of anthems which are sure to incite frenzies in arenas all over the globe.

"Infra-Red" might be the catchiest yet most chiling stalker song since The Police's "I'll Be Watching You", with it's lyrical refrain of "Someone call the ambulance, there's gonna be an accident/ I'm coming up on infra-red, there is no running that can hide you, cause I can see in the dark." "Drag" is a typical catchy Placebo style love song, in that it manages to be heart warming yet slightly depressing/unnerving at the same time, if that makes sense. "Post Blue" and "One of A Kind" definitely rock out, while "Song To Say Goodbye," with its lurching guitar intro and kiss off of "You are one of God's mistakes, you crying, tragic waste of skin/ I'm well aware of how it aches, and you still won't let me in" closes the album in raucous fashion.

In addition to the anthems, every Placebo album has it's one epic, heart tugging ballad-- whether it's "Without You I'm Nothing" on the album of the same name, "Passive Aggressive" from Black Market Music or "Special Needs" from Sleeping With Ghosts, it's gotta be there. And the boys come up with what just might be the best of the bunch in "Follow the Cops Home," nearly five minutes of melancholy bliss. Hell, even the track with R.E.M's Michael Stipe (!) works out surprisingly well, with Stipe and lead vocalist Brian Molko harmonizing quite well.

Add it all up, and you've got one hell of an album, certainly the best of Placebo's career, and one that is bound to find it's way high atop my list of albums for the year 2006. Although my expectations for this album were high, the boys from England have managed to batter them and better them by miles, an amazing feat. And in a weird way, I almost wish this was a dummy album-- because if the album leaked to throw people off is this good, could you imagine how dope the real album would be?

Put A Couple Careers On Hold, You Could Be Next Kid

2006-01-19T19:12:00.000-05:00

Killa vs. Jigga. Holy fucking shit.

Now, I know I haven't been on my blog grind for a moment, but frankly, what was I gonna write about? The NFL playoffs? Frankly, I could give a fuck at this point-- I watch the games if there's nothing better to do, but I can't say that I'm really, truly invested in any meaningful way. New music? Dude, it's January 19th-- there haven't been any records worth getting all hot and bothered over released yet (Although next Tuesday we got Cat Power and Jenny Lewis -- indie hipster boys, reserve at least three hours of your day for the requisite swooning!).

But this? This is definitely good enough to bring me outta my cave. Like my man Douglas said, talk about making a morning, let alone a week. But since heads have already said much about this topic, I won't speak long (but gimme a hot second, and I'ma put you on), except to say: Thank God 50 Cent and Game are nowhere near this thing, because say what you want about "You Got To Love It," but it's miles ahead of "Piggy Bank" (Sheek Louch was right, that shit is garbage) and the novelty aspects of "300 Bars." And you don't need to check Jay's resume to know that dude straight brings it ("Takeover," pics of Prodigy in a dress at Summer Jam, etc.). Hey, anything that will get new Jay verses out there, I'm all for.

I will admit, however, that I don't exactly know who I'm rolling with here. My love for all things Hova as well as Cam is well documented, so I guess all I'll say is that I'm hoping for some hot records and no one to get shot (again-- "I seen... the diamond thrown up before the shots was fired" WHAT?).

And real quick, while I'm here: My man Chucky K should spend more time writing shit like this, rather than weak ass shit like this. Like Ian said, see what happens when you hang with the rapidly declining Bill Simmons?

Your Flight Leaves at 8, Her Flight Lands at 9, My Game Just Rewind

2006-01-09T23:04:00.000-05:00

So there I am this afternoon at work, sitting at my desk, suffering through the Joe Average Worker equivalent to chasing a vicodin with a 40 of King Cobra-- namely, shit that puts you to sleep with the quickness. Which is not to say that what I do what pays my rent, cable bill, and bar tabs is all that exciting to begin with, because it ain't. But this was seriously on some "You can't be serious.... you really askin' me to do this?" type shit. So I did what every other red blooded American does-- I surfed the damn internet. In addition to furthering my quest to read the entire Sexy Results! archives on the company dime (I'm up to May of '05), I caught up on my internet surfing, peeping the shit that I used to read all the time but have slacked off on lately as the ol' J-O-B has gotten a little more serious and all. And that's when I stumbled upon the genius that is Bethlehem Shoals for the umpteenth time, who dropped knowledge at the always inspiring Free Darko (cop the t-shirts, they're hot):

"But what I really want to do is what I do best: heap shame about the white man and back-handedly, somewhat imprecisely, praise those of the minority persuasion. One of my absolute least favorite things alive is white men, usually slightly older, talking sports to women who clearly don't need or want to hear it. At a crap Italian restaraunt back in H-Town, I nearly got up and punched some British guy who, when the conversation at his table turned casually to the geographic wonder that was the Rose Bowl, proceeded to bust loose with an amateur scouting report on Vince's pro prospects, the difference in defensive schemes, etc. Then last night, the man behind us had a running monologue going, presumably for the benefit of his wife/date, about the Princeton offense, Tampa Bay's defense, other garden variety ESPN.com information. Two rows back, the aforementioned LD impersonator would occasionally stop bellowing about defense (WORLD'S DUMBEST WIZARDS SEASON TICKETHOLDER. the Wizards are not built to play defense, just to score and get steals in transition/on the perimeter) to tell his daughter (??) about which Wizards were really valuable to a sound team game.

I am not a sailor or an adventurer, but something has become clear to me as I wash this earth with my scalding blood: if someone's not responding, they don't care. Either that, or you're talking way over their head. Granted, half of what people say out loud at a sporting event is to sound knowledgable around their oh-so informed peers in the bleachers. But if you are really, truly, talking about screens as a way of bonding with your female companion, it's not working. Keep in mind the model of the baseball game: at any given time, only about 70% of the spectators at a ballpark can apprectiate the nuances of the action, but that doesn't mean the others aren't having a good time. In fact, they're probably enjoying it on their own terms, with as much as they need to know, and find it intrusive to have someone browbeat them with technical wank. At the risk of pissing off our very limited female audience, usually a woman (or any non-fan, for you parents trying to force a burgeoning art fag to play catch) agreeing to go to a sporting event is itself a loveable concession. And if he/she is managing to enjoy the experience, its on her own terms, not through a cloudy, just-discovered lens of identical fandom that God calls upon you to polish. Otherwise, Sundays would not be a day of solitude, and playoff season would not be a unrelenting string of excuses and avoidances on my part."

Maybe it's just me, but I found this fucking brilliant and completely on point. Because if you're anything like me, you have one of those friends who thinks he knows everything about everything, even when they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. You know the type-- the kind of dude who tries to tell you that the Pixies didn't get their big break until Fight Club used "Where Is My Mind," completely ignorant of the fact that the Pixies broke up a full seven fucking years before the movie came out. The type of dude that spends a few hours playing Madden, sit downs to watch a football game with you, and all of a sudden thinks he's the defensive coordinator, babbling on and on about the intricacies of the 3-4 defense and the zone blitz and what have you, when all you're thinking is "God, please shut the fuck up and let me watch the game, ok Coach?" You know the type-- loud as a motor bike, but wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight....

Anywho, I fully recognize that when it comes to certain subjects-- most music, sports in general and baseball in particular-- I'm a full fledged dork. It's safe to say that if you know me personally (or hell, have read this blog), you've been subjected to a half cocked ramble about a band/musical style which your knowledge of is only tenuous at best. But hey, that's me-- you accept this as the price you pay for hanging out with someone as cool as myself. And if you can't-- hey, fuck you, I can't help it that I'm smarter than you and just trying to hip you to the new hotness.

That being said, I learned early on not to be that guy. Or maybe not early on, but I learned that shit. It was probably when the summer of '02 when I finally learned that shit. See, I had the genius idea of taking my new girl to Shea (a/k/a/ The Fucking Mecca) for a largely inconseuential game with my boys-- and I fucking scored the game! Respect to the lady, that didn't kill my game, but she did let me know that it was kind of on the dorky tip. And when you think about it, it makes sense-- if you're spending three hours with a program in your lap and pencil in your hand, wondering whether the left fielder or center fielder caught a can of corn in the sixth inning rather than "Do we need more beer?", the question of "Wonder if she's wearing the Vickie's lace panties today?" is something you ponder during the 7th inning stretch rather than something you ascertain with certainty a few hours later. Similiarly, if you spend an inordinate amount of time explaining just why it's called a "6-4-3 Double Play," the "You got condoms, right?" question is probably not in your future (unless you're me, cuz I ball like that).

And hell, maybe it was because it was my first summer being 21 and I hadn't spent enough time in NYC bars, so the idea of paying $7.50 a beer was an insult to humanity rather than simply paying the cost to be the boss, but I learned real quick. And it wasn't only the young lady who had to suffer through me scoring said game who schooled me, but rather the glazed over eyes of the compatriots of those that guy's that Shoals describes before it became clear to my fertile mind that "Yo, I don't wanna go out like that." So now, when I hit up the ball games, my concern is less with keeping score (cuz honestly, do I really need another program that I'll never look at it again and will only take up space in the passenger seat of my car until the end of time) and more with making sure the beer man is making his rounds with the quickness. And if my girl wants to ask a question, I'll induldge her in a suitable manner-- but I ain't tryin' to get into a ten minute discussion about the career history of the Expos #7 hitter, because she definitely doesn't care about that shit and frankly, I shouldn't either.

It just sorta brings it back to a few theories I have. Namely, that having a girl who likes the same music you do is cool, but not necessarily essential-- in fact, I'd argue that if she doesn't like the same music, thats a good thing. That way, you can hit her off with the inevitable mixtape filled with DJ Shadow and Massive Attack jawns and she'll think you're a musical genius for blowing her mind and introducing her to this shit (that is, if she's a good chick). In the same way, you don't need a chick to like sports, but rather to only to respect the fact that when OSU-Michigan is on, she either needs to find something else to do or get the fuck out of your way. But if you find that girl that digs sports-- and I'm not talking about those girls that front that they do, only because they're like "Derek Jeter is so hot!" or "I love Tom Brady's ass!," but actually know there shit-- that's even better. But if you can't find one of those rare breed, do yourself a favor and keep your inner Belichek inside, hard as it might be. Trust me-- it'll work out better for all involved. But the chick that not only says "Ok, I'll see you after the game" but says "Why don't I watch the game with you?" and doesn't just do it to humor you, but is actually interested-- that's the one you keep.

Do I have a point in this? Not really, other than that I have noticed this phenomenon just as Shoals has? Not really, other than to say that I have learned my lesson and, white skin or no, I will not be that guy, and that I found his observations funny. And I'll never be that guy again.

One Final Word On The Atrocity That Was The Panthers-Giants Game: All through the game, I was joking that when I went to the grocery store today, I'd find a picture of Plaxico Burress on my carton of milk, because dude was a missing person the entire game. I get home from work (surprisingly still awake), and what do I find in my mailbox? One of those "Avo asks Have You Seen Us?" postcards with missing children, and guess who's on it.... Jeremy fuckin' Shockey.

Yeah, I went there. In another few days, I'll be ready to accept the whole "We went 11-5 and won the NFC East, shit we weren't remotely supposed to do" argument. Not right now, though.

Playoffs!?!

2006-01-08T22:28:00.000-05:00

Yeah.... let's not even talk about the Giants game, ok (In the same way that we're not gonna talk about the fact that if the 'Noles could kick a fucking extra point, there'd be no such thing as the 3 OT instant classic that transpired Tuesday night. Similiarly-- how is it that such a top flight program as FSU can't recruit one single fucking good kicker, Janikowski excepted-- and I realize I'm stretching the definition of the word by calling Janikowski good, at least if you're talking as a human being)? By somewhere around halfway the third quarter, I could no longer muster the will to scream at the TV or even do anything other than shrug my shoulders and go "Damn." Seriously-- the "Tippy's Taco or New China Taste for Lunch?" and "Twelve Pack of Heineken or 40's of Hurricane?" questions were more pressing matters in my mind than Manning the Younger's rapidly escalating interception totals. I feel kinda like Jerry, in that I figured I'd be more angry, yet I'm left with just a general feeling of "Eh....whatever" about the whole thing.

As I said, by about 3:00 PM Eastern time, I was pretty much numb to anything that was taking place in East Rutherford, New Jersey, other than to wonder if it was even worth it to try and call my boy Rosie, or had he already thrown himself from the upper echelepons of Giants Stadium. So surprisingly, I found myself caring a lot more than I normally would have about Carson Palmer's ACL injury on his first playoff pass. Perhaps it's because, as has been well documented, I ride hard for my man Chad Johnson, and so Palmer comes as an accessory, the Robin to CHAD!'s Batman, but I've come to respect and enjoy Carson Palmer this year. I've enjoyed watching himascend to the top level of NFL QB's, in addition to enjoying the fact that at least he proves that winning the Heisman doesn't necessarily mean you have to suck in the NFL. And so, seeing him there, crumpled in pain, followed by the image of him being carted off the field-- my heart sank. And again, it may have been entirely related to the fact that the chances of Chad Johnson catching a bomb and doing some insane TD celebration markedly decrease with Kitna at the controls rather than the Golden Boy....

I dunno. Seeing as how I have absolutely no affiliations with the Cincinnati Bengals other than the fact that I spent four years of my life approximately three hours away from Cincy (Kenyon College in the house, bitches!), this probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does. And Palmer's knee shredding obviously wasn't nearly the most depressing thing to happen this weekend when talking about the gridiron (and while we're talking about depressing things in NFL playoff land -- Sheppard, you've GOT to catch that TD pass!)... but I hope he comes back in July, spitting fire and picking up where he left off-- namely, dropping feathery soft bombs into the arms of Chad's woofing grill and laser beams into the arms of TJ and Chris Henry. I'm probably buying a Chad Johnson jersey at some point this offseason, and I can't afford to have a little thing like Carson Palmer blowing out his ACL derail the Who Dey?'s ascension to "AFC team that I fucks with hardcore" status....

And oh yeah: Fuck the Carolina Panthers, and fuck the Washington Redskins. Go Bears, Go 'Hawks....

New Years Jumpoff

2006-01-02T20:53:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I probably should have posted this yesterday, but if you were expecting me to be able to write anything remotely resembling coherence yesterday... well, that's just silly. But anyway, heres my final kiss off to the year of 2005, and my first official embrace of the year two thousand and six. This is one of the rare personal posts that I run here, but this is just some shit that I've had on my mind and wanted to document, if only for posterity. Like anything else I write, I know I'm gonna realize something I forgot the moment I hit "publish," but whatever. Enjoy.

What I'm Thankful For From 2005:
- That I finally said "fuck it!" and stepped out of my comfort zone and moved away from the only house I've ever called home to journey five hours to the South to the relative unknown of Alexandria, VA with tons of friends in the back pocket yet no job and made it work. I may not be doing exactly what I planned, but nevertheless I manned up and tried to do something about my life, and it's been a thrilling experience for me. Maybe this means I'm growing up, at least a little bit. Matter of fact-- I've kinda dug this whole "fuck it, I'm up and movin'" dealy, and am thinking about becoming a professional nomad, hopping from place to place every two years or so. So if anyone wants to move to say, Cali somewhere around June, 2007, holla at the kid.
- All the new friends I made this past year who've helped me grow as a person and accepted me for who I am, and some old ones I reconnected with, sometimes in seemingly bizarre fashion. And as a corollary to that, fuck the friends that I've lost this year, because I'm all the stronger and wiser for it. Like Ed Norton says in 25th Hour, "Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends." Those that rolled with me this year-- much respect. Those that didn't/couldn't/wouldn't-- your loss, no skin off my nose.
- All the great music that floated through each and every day of my life, most notably Bloc Party who were the soundtrack to my life for large swathes of the past year, but pretty much every record on my Top 20 and many other singles, mixtape cuts, and guilty pleasure songs besides.
- Sin City, without a doubt the most gangster movie to be released in the '05.
- That I finally started the blog that you are reading right now, after talking about it for at least a good year, and that people other than my friends and family actually read this thing (even if they are just looking for the lyrics to "Get 'Em Daddy" or googling things like the Suge Knight Biggie murder conspiracy.... I will try to bring even more heat in the coming year, and ya know, update more than once a week or something.
- The people that helped me survive the work day (i.e. those sites you see listed over there on the right) and anyone who linked to me this year or gave me a shout out, particularly if I only know you through the internet realm. Your dap means a lot to me, and I can only hope that one day I'll find someone stupid enough to pay me for this shit.
- That I managed to survive the year without succumbing to full blown insanity, general malaise/depression and/or alcoholism. I'm still standing, and I'd like to think I'm a more well rounded, stronger person now than I was twelve months ago.

What I'm Looking Forward To In The New Year:
- New friends, new places, new experiences-- essentially, more fun, period. And more hotness-- more hot females, more hot music (see next comment) and movies, more hot unexpected times.
- Tons of new music, including new discs from Cam'ron, Thursday, Deftones, Ghostface, Outkast, Pretty Girls Make Graves, and many others, probably any number of bands I haven't even heard of yet that are bound to rock my face off.
- Hopefully stepping at least a tiny bit closer to figuring out what I'm going to do with my life, seeing as how I will soon be entering my 25th year of existence on this Earth and I'd kinda like to have something of a better idea of what I do with the next 50 or so.
- Having constant flashbacks to the year 2000 throughout the months of April through October-- i.e., the New York Mets kicking ass and taking names. I'm trying not to get too hyped up about it so as to avoid crushing disappointment (This is the Mets we're talking about. I had similiar feelings fifteen years ago, when we signed Bobby "I'll show you the Bronx!" Bonilla, Vince "Playing with firecrackers is fun!" Coleman, and Bret "I'm better at throwing bleach than baseballs" Saberhagen, among others. It says alot when you can make noted sourpuss Eddie Murray look like a Nobel Prize winner...), but I've already started calling them the Queens Killing Machine, so to say that I have high hopes would be an understatement. I've already started putting aside money for the "World Series tickets on eBay" fund...
- Related: Johnny Damon hitting .250 as the Yankees are submarined by the rapidly rising Toronto Blue Jays in the AL East (I mean, I know that the Ryan and Burnett signings are dubious at best, but on paper you've got to seriously consider the Jays-- I mean, those two, plus Overbay and Glaus? You get nothing for winning the Hot Stove League, but if you did, J.P. Ricardi's trophy case would be a little more crowded right now...) Probably not gonna happen, but a man can dream....
- Less fucking drama, in all facets of life. That shit is just so meaningless (but unavoidable).
- And yeah, if I hit the gym and quit smoking, that'd be cool with me too.

The Return of the Felons

2005-12-29T21:03:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well.... it's good to see that tradition still means something to some people. Florida State Felons, indeed.

And all that stuff I've been saying the last few days to various people, trying to convince myself that this won't be an absolute Penn State riot? That, as the ACC Title game proved, when it wants to the 'Noles can still play a nasty game and be a bear for any opponent? That Penn State might be the beneficiary of just a tad bit of extra hype, due to cuddly ol' Joe Pa and the fact that they miraculously rose from the ashes after two crappy seasons? That this game will at least be close and somewhat contested?

Yeah, eff all that. I'm getting flashbacks to the 2003 Sugar Bowl. I hope I'm wrong-- after all, at least Chris Rix isn't around to sleep through any finals, so we got that goin' for us, which is nice....

Welcome To New York City

2005-12-23T23:11:00.000-05:00

If you wanna talk about the merits of the Johnny Damon to the Yankees signing, Simmons and Ian pretty much got it on lock.

No, what I'm more concerned about is the "new look" Johnny Damon, displayed in this photo and splashed across the back pages of the tabloids (back in the rotten apple for two days, holla!) today.

Seriously, dude looks like the guys I used to see when I had the misfortune of hanging around sketchy clubs like Exit and Sound Factory. You know the type-- the guido dude in the two sizes too small t-shirt, who's come back from the tanning salon, all 'roided up and oiled down. The dude that spends half his time staring at your girlfriend, and the other half dispensing with witticisms like " 'Ey, you! Yeah, you! C'mere!" to every passing female he lays his eyes on, hoping to catch the eye of some naive Long Island girl who's had one too many Apple martinis, to which he will soon roofie and defoul in some broom closet in the back of the club. Don't front, you know exactly the kind of dude I'm talking about. These guys exist outside of Manhattan, right?

And now that I think about it... given Damon's shall we say checkered history with the females (read his "autobiography"), that might not be too far from the truth. You know all those stories about Damon not fitting in to New York?

Hogwash. I think dude's gonna fit in just fine.

All Hail The Conquering Heroes

2005-12-22T21:25:00.000-05:00

And here, the suspense shall kill you no longer, we press on!

10. The New Pornographers, Twin Cinema
Man, there are hooks and melodies on this album for days and numerous moments of joy to be discovered on this, the Vancouver collective's third album. I'm not gonna sit here and try and compare Twin Cinema with any of their earlier records, because I haven't heard them, but based on the strength of this album, I most likely will be tracking them down in the not too distant future. I dig the jangly pop of "Twin Cinema," the emotion laden "The Bleeding Heart Show," and the back to back rockers of "Jessica, Dressed In Cobras" and "The Jessica Numbers"-- hell, I dig it all. Like alot of the albums on this list, this is a record I wouldn't have gone anywhere near two or three years ago and would have simply rejected out of hand--this year, it sits at #10 on my best of list. Does this mean that I'm simply getting old and mellowing out, or rather that my musical tastes are maturing (admittedly, it's not that hard to mature away from Pantera and Slayer-- there's really nowhere else to go but up, short of descending into death metal. But I digress....)?
9. New Order, Waiting For The Sirens Call
You can count the number of bands that have had the kind of long lasting impact that New Order have on one hand. I mean, think about it-- Movement was birthed into the world in 1981 (coincidentally, the same year as yours truly), and here they are, twenty-four years later, still putting out quality product (whether I'm doing the same is debateable). I know alot of old school New Order fans hated 2001's Get Ready, but it was my first real introduction to New Order (short of being the reference to "Hey, they're that band... the band that that awful Orgy band covered, right?"), and I loved it. Siren's Call is more of the same-- every song on the album bumps in that perfect marriage of driving rock merged with twisting electronica that New Order have done so well, even before the assinine term "electronica" ever existed. If you just excuse the awful title, "Guilt Is A Useless Emotion" is probably one of my favorite songs of the year (and probably should have found a spot somewhere on my 2005 mixtape). But like I said, the whole album bumps, and any band that has been around for longer than I've been alive (when you throw in the fact that New Order arouse out of the ashes of Joy Division) and still makes interesting, relevant music gets serious props in my book.
8. Ladytron, The Witching Hour
New Order provides an apt segue for Ladytron, because at least indirectly this band had to have been influenced by them, judging from the way they merge electronica with rock elements. But whereas New Order often times lean more on rock guitars, Ladytron lean far more to the electronic elements of the mix, and whereas New Order make light, airy, and upbeat songs, 'Tron gravitate towards a darker, brooding sort of sonic hodgepodge. I've already sung the praises of "Destroy Everything You Touch," but the haunting "Beauty #2" also got a lot of burn as well. This album may take a few spins to sink in, but if you give it a chance, it will reward you in spades.
7. Sufjan Stevens, Illinois
Everyone and their mom is throwing Sufjan props, and with good reason. Anyone who has enough ambition (audacity?) to declare that they are gonna write a concept album about all 50 states obviously has some major cajones. Anyone who turns in an album as ambitious as this one... well, they've got some serious talent to burn. Throw in the fact that Sufjan is able to write beautiful, dazzling songs about such horrific subjects as infamous serial killer John Wayne Gacy...well, that's quite an achievement, my friend. Hell, even NPR jumped on the bandwagon earlier this year-- and you know what that means kids! That's right, all you hipsters, this Christmas, you AND your parents can BOTH rock out to Illinois !
6. Slug and Murs, Felt 2: A Tribute to Lisa Bonet / Atmosphere, You Can't Imagine How Much Fun We're Having
Anyone that knows me (or has spent some time reading this blog) knows how much I dig Slug and Atmosphere. In a pinch, I'd probably throw God Loves Ugly up on my list of Top 25 Hip Hop albums, if that's any indication. Atmosphere's charm is a two-pronged attack: first, you've got the consistently boomin' production from Ant (who, for example, was doing the whole chop up and slow down old soul records thing that Kanye has turned into multi millions back when young 'Ye was still trying to dress like Ma$e and "couldn't even afford a 4-track recorder"), joined together with the verbal gymnastics of one Sean Daley, a/k/a/ Slug. What I've always loved about Slug is that he comes off as a far less insane and far nerdier version of Eminem (and one who has yet to completely fall the fuck off)-- a battle MC who could lyrically sever your head with punchline after punchline, while at the same time possessing the ability to turn around and spin a dense, emotion packed story on the very next track. And this year, instead of giving each side of his personality equal play on one LP, he dropped two-- he brought Living Legend Murs along for the battle MC'ing and witty wordplay of Felt 2, and then followed that up with the emotional bombast of Fun (and even debuted a much talked about mohawk!). One gives you heat rocks like "Gangster Ass Anthony," the other drops the ponderous thoughts of "Little Man" and the horrific story of "That Night"-- and they're both dope as fuck.
5. Sleater-Kinney, The Woods
Ya know, back when I was in high school, I went through this phase for about a year when I thought that Sleater-Kinney were just about the best band I'd ever heard. The grooves and melodies that these three lovely ladies from the Pacific Northwest concocted just sounded right to me-- perhaps it had something to do with the fact that all of my friends were into pop punk bands like Pennywise and NOFX, and I thought I'd discovered the next level-- the more intellectual, the more respectable-- of punk rock. I don't know, but as I went off to college, my interest in SK gradually waned. And then I heard the thunderous, classic rock influenced grooves of The Woods... and oh man, I feel in love with Sleater-Kinney all over again. Simply put: A damn fine, down and dirty rock record.
4. Broken Social Scene, Broken Social Scene
Much like the New Pornographers, I hadn't listened to this band until this year, but man, am I happy that I did. There are few bands that I've heard that are this inventive, this bizarre, and hell, this compelling. They rock, they groove, they do it all-- again, this is yet another album that rewards repeat listens, so as to discover the nuances found in songs such as "Hotel," which has a beat which faintly reminds me of the most bizarre remix of Usher (the title of the song escapes me right now, because Usher fucking sucks) I've ever heard. And you can't help but laugh at some of the song titles-- I fucking dare you to put "Handjobs for the Holidays" on an Xmas mix CD.
3. Rogue Wave, Descended Like Vultures
This is what indie rock should sound like, to my ears: Soaring guitar, heartfelt lyrics wrapped up in deft melodies and memorable hooks, and a groove that won't quit. I couldn't stop playing the epic "Publish My Love" (yet another crap title from the New Order school of songwriting, but we'll forgive that), rocking "Love's Lost Guarantee" (Uhm, do I see a lyrical theme developing here?), or the insanely, memorably catchy "You." Hell, I couldn't get enough of the whole damn album, period (obviously, or it wouldn't be #3, now would it?).
2. Cat Power, The Greatest
Were I Pitchfork, I'd happily throw 2004's best album (Purple Haze) here and not think twice about it. However, I recognize that, even though it came out in December, it was still December, 2004.... so I went and grabbed an album that doesn't even drop until January, 2006! But hell, since the promos have been floating around since before Thanksgiving (and I've been bumping it constantly since then), not to mention the fact that this album is too good to be denied, I had to put it up here. This enthralling mix of old soul, funk, and blues just cannot be denied-- I've offered to burn copies for everyone from indie rock heads to friends who pretty much only listen to Jack Johnson and Ben Harper exclusively to even my dad, who gets his freak on to classical and the odd day long wade into country radio (like the Clipse would say, "Echk!") when he's feeling frisky-- this album is just that versatile. Hell, I might even have to throw it on next year's list too, for good measure-- this is the album that Fiona Apple should have made.
1. Bloc Party, Silent Alarm
Seriously, I think I've probably said all I need to say about this album and this band already.

However, I will just say that, after the atrocity that was the DFA 1979 remix album, Romance, Bloody Romance (4 seperate remixes of "Romantic Nights" and "Black History Month" each? I mean, what the fuck? Sure, the Dahlback remix of "Romantic Nights" bangs, in the words of old school Mobb Deep, like "100 and 0," but did we really need three more? Nevermind...), I'd say that Silent Alarm Remixed looks damn good in comparison, wouldn't you agree? I sincerely believe that it does a wonderful job of recontextualizing and adding a fresh spin on what was already a truly fantastic stand alone album.

Anywho, I pretty much knew back in March that Silent Alarm was gonna wind up my favorite album of 2005, and nothing came even remotely close to unseating it the rest of the year. I can only hope that they improve on it with the follow up, and that the dreaded second album curse doesn't strike down a tremendous band who sounds as if they are only starting to hit their stride.

I'd love to hear your comments on the whole list, and enjoy the holidays y'all.

What You've All Been Waiting For....

2005-12-21T21:45:00.000-05:00

OK, so today brings us to what you've all been waiting with bated breath for, and probably the reason why I do this blog in the first place: the unveiling of my Top 20 albums of the Year list (and to think, back when I wrote for The Collegian all I did was a Top 10.... such a slacker was I in college). But first, I've gotta get a few things off of my chest...

-- If you at all care about The Chapelle Show and are somewhat curious/pissed off about the disappearance of Season 3, you must read this (hat tip to Joey for first pointing me in this direction). Now, I'm not saying that I necessarily believe it... in fact, it strikes me as something akin to a far fetched conspiracy theory, but it is interesting to think about/discuss. I read this off and on for most of the afternoon yesterday at work, and drove home all fired up to write about this and take shots at Farrakhan, Cosby, Oprah, Sharpton, et al. but I seriously questioned how much worth was really in it, given that there are a lot of things that are head scratching, at best. Like I said, it's something akin to a crackpot conspiracy theory, but it's at least an interesting thing to discuss over a few beers.

-- If you all have not been checkin' for what my man Douglas has been puttin' down, y'all have been missing out. First, last week he dropped this little fun game on all y'all:

"and here's a thing to do, it sorta worked me for yesterday. first, get a copy of the economist or print an article from their website and take along with you when you're going to go some thing or place that'll be boring, like real boring. and just play the game, is what i'm doing or the presentation i'm listening is it more boring than reading about european farming tariffs. if what you're doing is boring enough that ou decide to spice it up with an article about euros and the eating habbits of french people, then you've reached rock bottom, like heroin addiction rock bottom, like crack cocaine bottom. "

(And yeah, I think that's funny in part because my roommate subscribes to The Economist and treats it as near Gospel, whereas most of the time I glance at the cover when it's sitting on our dining room table and think something along the lines of "Remind me why I give a fuck?" Maybe, as much as I'd like to think so, I'm just not highbrow enough.)

Then, yesterday, he dropped this lil' gem: "the legal system works, if you're some goofy guy wearing a bloc party t-shirt to court, if you're dressed nicely, then you're shit out of luck." I find this absolutely hiliarious, seeing as how pretty much every job I've ever had has been in the legal field, and my entire family is lawyers. And that's a pretty fucking funny comment on our legal system (especially one in which John Roberts and Alberto Gonzalez rule the roost), circa 2005.

Basically, if you're not checking Doug's site on a daily basis, I don't know what to tell you at this point. It's fucking hot fire.

Anywho, enough with the dicklicking and butt kissing, let's get on to why you are really here. Originally, I was gonna try and post a lil' introduction piece about some nonsense like "The Top5 Lyrical Moments of 2005," but I realized that was a far too hokey way to simply shout out lyrics I found witty (read: turned into AIM away messages) and posit how Cam's line on Juelz's "Murda Murda" ("Get it together now, now you my papes right/ Come thru late night, I know what it taste like/ Some good coke dog, go get your face piped/ Put on my Laker jersey and then go rape white (No. 8)") might be the most offensive and savage diss I've heard in a long while (and probably my favorite line of the year, KB8 being the star of my underachieving fantasy team notwithstanding). And I was gonna try and pontificate on how System's "Why don't you ask the kids at Tiannamen Square-- was fashion the reason why they were there?" line was a line that, in addition to being one of the few SOAD lyrics that makes any kind of sense, made me think far too much than it should and force me to go off into a half cocked quasi-intellectual ramble... but fuck all that.

So instead, let's talk about two or three notable omissions from this list and why they're not there, shall we?

Kanye West, Late Registration
Ok, I realize that Kanye made one of the better hip hop debuts in a while with Dropout (even though I wasn't on his dick nearly as hard as some that I know, even then), and I give him his props for putting W on blast with that whole "George Bush doesn't care about black people" deal... but c'mon. I'll be the first to admit that when I first heard the thunderous beats of "Diamonds," I allowed my hype to pretty much pencil in Registration into my Top 10 list....but c'mon, this is a classic album? Really? Give me "Touch The Sky" (will Lupe Fiasco blow up next year?), "Drive Slow," "Diamonds," and "Gone," and then you can pretty much keep the rest. That's a classic maxi-single, dogs, not a classic album. If anything, this was the biggest disappointment of '05, not one of it's crowning achievements.

Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine
Much like Kanye, lots of heads are championing this album. I guess part of it has to do with the whole "Free Fiona, Sony fucked her!"/"Oh wait, no they didn't..." controversy, and the switching from Jon Brion to Mike Elizondo as producers (people seem to love the Brion version), but I don't really see it. When I think of Fiona Apple, I don't think of the scarily seemingly anorexic chanteuse prancing around in the "Criminal" video, but I do think of the scarily seemingly anorexic chanteuse who concocted heartbreakingly emotional tour de forces such as "Shadowboxer" and "Never Is A Promise," seemingly on a whim. And that kind of emotion, that degree of passion, seems to be lacking from Extraordinary Machine, despite all it's hype to the contrary (for that, go listen to Cat Power). I agree with Ian on this one.

Common, Be
Much like Kanye, I think people over hyped this album, seemingly simply because it wasn't the usual G-Unit party-bitches-guns-coke rap album. And believe me, I'm more than happy that Common got his head out of Erykah Badu's genitalia and returned from planet hippie to make actual hip hop music, but please, let's not go overboard here. Sure, "The Corner" was a blistering single and certainly a welcome return to the fold (after the Jigga shout and the guest verse on "Get 'Em High," even if he seems to completely disregard the beat), and even as someone who adores Cam'ron and the Clipse I can appreciate the consciousness that artists like Common bring to the table, but it's not like dude went and re-made Resurrection here. This was one of those albums where I played it a few times when it first dropped, noted it's merits, didn't play it again, then sat around sort of stunned when everyone and there mom started waving the Common banner loud and proud.

Anywho, before we begin to dissect the records that actually, ya know, made it onto my Top 20, I'd just like to make a note here: This was the first year where I actually kept a word document on my computer all year, where I'd constantly jot down albums that I thought might actually be worthy of "Best Of" status. So, the likelihood that I missed something (in my own opinion, anyway), is lessened. Unfortunately, I picked a year which lacked a ton of truly compelling, knock you on your ass records, so that after #1 or 2, there's alot of solid, good records, rather than great ones. As such, the order of this list could probably easily be switched around, and I could probably switch a couple of records on the back end with records that didn't make it, and it wouldn't change much in my opinion. Just needed to get that out of there. Enough blather, here's the list (finally).

20. The Game, The Documentary
While this was a solid record which basically resuciated West Coast hip hop as a viable commercial vehicle and packed some absolutely titanic beats ("Westside Story," "Higher," "Put You On The Game"), this record deserves its place almost as much for what it represents as for what it does musically. Namely, this is the record that signals the end of the G-Unit onslaught which overran hip hop music for the past two years. In a year which saw G-Unit fail amazingly, both in your stereo (The Massacre, Thoughts of A Predicate Felon) and in your local cinema (Get Rich or Die Tryin'), is it any wonder that the one dude who put out a worthwhile record got kicked out of the camp (subsequently revealing to the world just what a petulant bitch 50 is in the process)?
19. Dangerdoom, The Mask & The Mask
It's amazing what can happen when you combine ace head nodding production (Dangermouse) with dense, creative rhymes from one of the undergrounds favorite sons (M.F Doom). Throw in an assist from Adult Swim, and you've got a compelling, intensely enjoyable album. Forget 50, how about the story of Dangermouse as a movie? Little known hip hop beat digging nerd spends days and nights in his bedroom crafting a surprisingly inventive mashup of Jay-Z and the Beatles, said album gets downloaded by seemingly the entire globe, then dude parlays subsequent notoriety into high profile production gigs for M.F. Doom, Gorillaz, and soon to come, Gnarls Barkley. Rabid success ensues and money ensues, no one gets shot. On second thought.... that's probably a pretty boring movie. But this album bumps, and is anything but boring.
18. Royksopp, The Understanding
I'm probably the only blogger that has this album anywhere near his Top 20 list, but whatever... that's why I'm me, and you're you. Nevertheless, I dig this album, from the chilled, understated opener of "Triumphant" (odd, in that you would expect a track with the name of "Triumphant" to be a bold, balls to the wall statement, from an album opener no less), flowing through the bouncy grooves of "Only This Moment" and "Follow My Ruin," to the bumping beat and catchy hook of "What Else Is There?" I'm unashamed to admit that I like techno (more than most, probably), but nevertheless, if you give it a chance, there are plenty of moments to savor on this album.
17. Maximo Park, A Certain Trigger
I like to think of them as the British equivalent to Interpol, and in a year in which Interpol didn't release an album, that's good enough to garner a spot on my list. Actually, these guys use catchy hooks and captivating guitars enough to distance them from the rest of the whole "Nu New Wave" movement which has spawned in the wake of the success of The Strokes, Interpol, Bloc Party, et al for my taste. They're equally adept at writing well crafted rockers ("Graffiti") as they are at writing haunting ballads ("Acrobat," championed on my 2005 Mixtape), all the while crafting more pop hooks than you can shake a stick at into each and every song. I still don't know how the hell they wound up on Warp, though.
16. Edan, Beauty & The Beat
For some reason, in some circles it has become cliche to hate on this album, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. Me, I dig the blend of turntable wizardry with old school inspired production and rhymes. Pulling samples from all over the place, Beauty & The Beat sounds exactly like a more mainstream DJ Shadow or a far nerdier (and less rock obsessed) Z-Trip would concoct, given the right mindstate.
15. Z-Trip, Shifting Gears
Speaking of Z-Trip..... if you've got friends that swear up and down that they don't like hip hop, this is the album to throw on the stereo when in their presence. This disc is jam packed with party rockin' beats and rhymes which are virtually guaranteed to get even the staunchiest wall flower tapping their feet and moving their ass. At the very least, they'll get a chuckle out of the cartoon inspired silliness that is "Breakfast Club." But that's not to say their aren't gems to be discovered in the album's latter half for those that have already been converted to hip hop (and at this point, who hasn't?), such as the surprisingly funky break up lament "Everything Changes," the thunderous Chuck D guest shot "Shock And Awe," and the DJ Shadow-lite workout found on "Revolution (STR Parts 1 + 2)." The only true misstep on this album is the Chester Bennington (Linkin Park) collabo, "Walking Dead," which sounds like a long lost Exciter-era Depeche Mode b-side (and not in a good way).
14. Ivy, In The Clear
The best pure pop album I heard all year. Each and every one of the 10 tracks featured on this album feature sugary hooks and gorgeous melodies, all perfectly executed and layered with icy cool female vocals. Your girlfriend would probably love this album, if only she knew who the fuck Ivy were.
13. System of a Down, Mesmerize
Although Hypnotize was something of a disappointment, that fact only stands to further enhance the value of this, the first slab of the double disc effort. Whether it's the breakneck riffing and off-kilter melodies of "B.Y.O.B. (Bring Your Own Bombs)"-- one of the better singles of '05, certainly in the hard rock arena-- to the Slayer-on-steroids bombast of "This Cocaine Makes Me Feel Like I'm On This Song" and "Sad Statue" straight on through to the New Wave inspired "Old School Hollywood," this album packs enough fist pumping adrenaline into a scant 38 minutes to last all year.
12. M83, Before The Dawn Heals Us
I'll be honest: At times, this can be a difficult fucking album to listen to, as it careens back and forth from seemingly drug induced upbeat ecstasy with bizarre, screeching horror. Splice in odd vocal samples and beats that stop and start seemingly on a whim, and you've got quite a bizarre little disc on your hands. Clearly, Frenchman Anthony Gonzalez was intending to craft something epic, something memorable here-- and by and large, he succeeds. While nothing here matches the beauty of Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts' "Run Into Flowers," the thunderous, haunting "Don't Save Us From The Flames" is worth the price of admission alone.
11. M.I.A., Arular
The blogosphere giveth, and the blogosphere taketh away. At the start of the year, you couldn't find a blogger worth his/her salt who didn't have at least something to say about the latest product of the hype machine/cause celebre, M.I.A., largely on the back of her Piracy Funds Terrorism mixtape with Diplo, her convuluted life story (Sri Lankan by way of London) and her confusing politics. And if this were March, I'd no doubt have this album a hell of a lot higher than I do. But as with anything that gets too hyped, the inevitable backlash has arisen. And while there are enough interesting sonic moments on this album to warrant inclusion on this list-- primarily "Pull Up The People," "Amazon," and "Sunshowers"-- it is not the classic many predicted. Nevertheless, it is an interesting part of the 2005 musical landscape, not only because it points towards new sonic directions, but also because it illuminates the shift in how music is marketed and sold-- the rapid shift away from long held vehicles such as commercial radio and MTV towards more de-centralized things such as mp3 blogs and message boards. It still trips me out whenever I see/hear "Galang" in a commercial for Honda.

Because this post has become tremendously huge, I'm gonna hit you with the second half of this list tomorrow.
Always leave 'em wanting more....

The 2005 Award Show

2005-12-19T22:23:00.000-05:00

Alrighty, I meant to do this last week, but a rough week at the old J-0-B forced me to turn what was originally planned as a one week music year in review extravaganza to two. Hell, you don't mind waiting, do you? Of course not. So now, we' re gonna get into some awards.

However, this is not your typical award post, like "Best Album," "Best Video," "Hottest Male/Female Rocker," and all that nonsense. Oh no.... this is quite another brand of nonsense, kids! My brand of nonsense! You'll soon see what I mean, so without further ado, let's get it into it!

The Kelly Clarkson "Since U Been Gone" Award
Given to the song that, even though you know it's tacky and you shouldn't listen to it, you can't get it out of your head. Some might refer to this as the "Guilty Pleasure."
And the winner is.... Rihanna, with "Pon De Replay."
Hell, I'll fuckin' admit it-- this was the jam of the summer, and even a jaded, cynical son of a bitch such as myself couldn't deny it. The first time I heard it, I thought to myself "Hey, that's kinda catchy." Soon, as I was driving miles and miles of highway on my frequent trips between DC and NYC, I was flipping through the radio dial, hopping to hear that bumping beat so I could do something resembling a dance that I'm sure caused any passing motorist who happened to glance at me to question whether I'd recently been released from a mental institution. Don't front-- you wanted to put your hands up to the ceiling and let the bass from the speakers run through your sneakers too.
Honorable mention(s): Ashlee Simpson, "Boyfriend," (much like "Since U Been Gone," a pop-rock song from some strumpet that really shoulda been a lot worse than it was-- heard it once, was in my head for a week); All-American Rejects, "Dirty Little Secret," (hey, it's catchy, and the video was kinda nifty-- even if they did bite this site. Hell, Tom Breihan picked it as his 15th best single of the year, so it can't be all bad, right? Right?
Never mind. Let's all forget I ever wrote this paragraph, ok? Moving on...

The "I Got Soul, But I'm Not A Soldier" Award
Named for my favorite line by The Killers, this award goes to the band that I think, given the right help, might just blow the fuck up a la The Killers in '06.
And the winner is.... We Are Scientists
I wrote about this band (and how I think they can blow up) last week with my 2005 Mixtape, and I really believe that these guys could be "The Next Big Thing." If rock radio wasn't busy killing itself off or switching formats to rap/salsa/talk, "Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt" could become a monster single a la "Mr. Brightside," and "Textbook" and "Lousy Reputation" (trafficking in the topic of dating a known slut) have been getting some heavy rotation round my way lately.

The "I Don't Have to Sell Coke To Get Signed By Jay-Z? Really?" Award
The companion award to the "I Got Soul, But I'm Not A Soldier" award, given to the hip hopper that, if there's any justice in the world, will blow the fuck up in '06.
And the winner is.... Lady Sovereign
Much like We Are Scientists, I extolled the virtues of Lady Sov ("This is the new singalong, S-0-V!") last week with the mixtape, and I'm back to do it somemore. Sure, someone that raps "like a chipmunk on Robitusin" might not be the easiest sell on this side of the pond (hell, finding an audience for British MCs of any sound, size, or shape over here is hard-- see the examples of Roots Manuva and The Streets for two), but I'd imagine Jay-Z didn't sign her to lose money. And Jigga doesn't sign wack artists (Memphis Bleek excepted).

(And yes, the title of this award is a jab at Young Jeezy. He has to be the first rapper in history that gets more critical props for his ad-libs than for his actual lyrics. Way to go buddy-- you can chant "Yeeeah!" with authority. As a Clipse fan, I don't care that all your lyrics talk about pushing coke-- but at least make 'em witty, bro. I'm sorry, but I really don't get the whole Young Jeezy explosion that went on this year.)

The "This Should Be An Album" Award
Given to the best mixtape of the year, for even though it wasn't an official album, lord knows it should have been.
And the winner is.... (guess.... seriously... guess).... Clipse, We Got It 4 Cheap 2
I know. You're stunned. But seriously.... Pharrell needs to stop hanging with Gwen Stefani and do something to get these dudes on a real record label. Fuck Zomba is the mantra, indeed. No one hit harder, either on the mixtapes or on bonafide wax in '05 than the grand wizards of the almighty blizzard.
Honorable mention: The Diplomats, Memorial Day Mixtape

The "Are You Fucking Retarted?" Award
Kinda self explanatory here....
And the winner is... Tony Yayo, for his bizarre hands in front of the face wave thing he does in all his videos. Uhm.... T, are you fucking retarted? Snort too much of your namesake? Because seriously... what the fuck is that? And who told you that was a good look? You look like an epileptic on crack.

The "Ok, I Submit. You Win" Award
Given to a band that I had resisted for a long, long time, yet finally broke me down in '05.
And the winner is.... Franz Ferdinand.
For a long time, I hated Franz Ferdinand. I thought they were dumb, pretentious assholes. I couldn't get what everyone seemed to see in them-- I've had numerous people try and sing me the praises of Franz Ferdinand over the last couple of years, and I wasn't trying to hear it. That is, until they dropped "Do You Want To," a warm and fuzzy nugget of power-pop rock goodness, and I was forced to submit. I haven't heard anything else from the album, and frankly, I don't care to. All I need is this one song, hokey 19 second intro and all, and that's enough Franzia for me. But you win, Franz Ferdinand, ok? I no longer wish a bullet to pass through the back of your heads, in the vein of your Austrian historical namesake. I submit.

Ok, so that's pretty much all I got for right now. Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments section. My rundown of the best albums of the year (hopefully) coming later this week.

A! Yo...

2005-12-14T00:57:00.000-05:00

New Killa video is hot. Is it wrong of me to say that, even though I know it's gonna suck, I'm almost as excited for Killa Season the movie as I am for the album? I know that it's basically going to be on the same level as cinema classics like State Property and State Property 2, but yet I'm oddly attracted to it. Is it simply for fun escapism (much the same reason I like Cam's music)? Or am I developing some kind of mancrush on Cam'ron here?

Uhm, nevermind all that for right now. What's the deal with the verses on her? I understand that the Dips wanna push Hell Rell to the forefront (especially to follw up on the success that Juelz is having right now)--and this is the best way to do it, with the lead single from Killa Season and the song where Cam talks about his infamous night in DC--but this mix and match verse shit? I'm not feeling it. Either make it the original song, or make it the remix-- the real remix, with Cam's verse about the carjacking last up-- but don't slice it and dice just to make a video and push Rell as hard as possible. I don't know why, but that just bothers me-- strikes me the wrong way.

But whatever. If it helps Killa Season go gold and Rell sell 200 thou, I guess I'll deal with it. Just don't go all G-Unit on us in '06, Dipset (not a very auspicious start with the average at best What The Game's Been Missing!, I might add).

The 2005 Mixtape

2005-12-11T17:37:00.000-05:00

Ok, so unlike some folks, I didn't really feel like compiling my own list of the Top Singles of the year 2005. The idea of the single-- a song released to radio and video to sell records-- doesn't really appeal to me, as I'd rather listen to album cuts most of the time. So, instead, I've decided to do a mixtape for the music of '05, which puts together the songs that I think were dope over the past year. Understand, this is not necessarily a list of the best songs released, just ones I liked and ones that would make an interesting mixtape. I've also tried to highlight some good songs that were buried on terrible albums (Garbage, I'm looking at you) as well as selections from mixtapes and EPs and what not. The sequence was made with an eye towards creating a decent mix to listen to, so the order of the tracks is not meant to be a ranking.

Anyway, on to the mixtape! (Note: All of the following tracks will actually fit on a garden variety 80 minute CD, so head to your favorite downloading outlet and make one for yourself. Or, if you're nice, maybe I'll even make you a copy...)

1. System of a Down - Old School Hollywood
As any mixtape veteran knows (or anyone thats seen/read High Fidelity), a good mixtape has to bring the thunder with the first track-- something thats gonna get the blood flowing, be the kickoff for the musical madness thats about to come. Well, in 2005, you couldn't ask for a better lead in track than this, because it not only gets things started with just the right brand of intensity, it kicks down the doors and forces its way in. The air raid siren intro, the vocoder enhanced vocals, the thunderous drums-- this track just absolutely kicks your head in.

2. We Are Scientists - Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt
While nothing is gonna match the intensity level of SOAD, this track certainly packs enough punch. The guitars chug and the drums dance, creating a foot stomping rocker that drives me nearly mental when I play it in the car. It's almost impossible to get the refrain of "My body is your body, I won't tell anybody/ If you want to use my body, go for it" out of your head though, I warn you. Hat tip to Kyle for first poining me in the direction of these NYC rockers.

3. M.I.A. - Pull Up The People
My favorite song from one of the blogosphere's most championed/debated/hated artists of '05. Something about the stylish way she endlessly repeats her name during the intro and the hot beat that just pulls me in. I don't know much about her politics except for the fact that her father is/was a Tamil Tiger, and I don't particularly know if M.I.A. is truly a "soldier on a roll," but as long as she keeps making jams like this, we won't have any problems.

4. Lady Sovereign - Random
Had to continue the multicultural flavor that M.I.A. started with everyone's favorite pint sized 16 year old British fire starter. From the somewhat bizarre lyrics (much in the vein of fellow Brit The Streets) to the bouncy beat to the tossing in of the Freddy Kreuger chant midway through the song-- this song brings the funk by the ton. With the marketing muscle of Jay-Z and Def Jam behind her, she should be big in '06 (more on that tomorrow).

5. Cam'ron feat. Hell Rell - Get 'Em Daddy (Eye of the Beholder)
The cocky confidence just slides all over this track, so much so that you can almost feel the swagger of Cam and Rell seeping through your speakers. This is probably my single favorite rap song of the year, from Cam'rons boasting on the intro ("They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Thats why I look in the mirror every morning and realize how fly I am. They wanna know what fucking label I'm signing to? I'm the CEO of Diplomat Records, I sng myself-- Get your cake up!") to the call and response "Get 'Em Daddy!" "Daddy Got 'Em!" chorus, I just fucking love this song. In a year when the Diplomats as a whole had a lot of moments in the sun, this track stands as the pinnacle of Dipset output for the year. The remix bumps too.

6. Ladytron - Destroy Everything You Touch
Brooding yet bouncy, this track is a delicious slice of dark electro-pop from Witching Hour. one of the years better albums. I played this song about five times in a row the frist time I heard it, and it definitely makes the morning drive to work a little more lively. Shout to my man Douglas for first tipping me off to this awesome little jam.

7. Secret Machines - Better Bring Your Friends
Another foot stomping rocker from a band that is rapidly becoming one of my favorites. The Road Leads Where It's Led, the EP from which this song comes, was one of my favorites of the year, what with the covers of Van Morrison and Bob Dylan, among others. I'm definitely hoping for a new album from them in 2006.

8. Audioslave - Yesterday to Tomorrow
Simply put: With about a minute and a half to go in the song, Tom Morello absolutely kills it. Best guitar solo of 2005 (for those of you that care about such things).

9. The Clipse feat. Ab-Liva and Sandman - Zen
The song, first heard on the Anger Management 3 mixtape, only hinted at what We Got It For Cheap 2 confirmed: Holy fuck, the Clipse are back. And they're not the same wack dudes who hide behind the Neptunes beats (back when the Neptunes absolutely owned the production game), they're a holy terror. And the beat? Fuck Gwen Stefani, this shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

10. Kanye West feat. Jay-Z - Diamonds Are Forever (Remix)
Ok, so I'm a bigger fan of this song than some others, maybe. But I was disappointed that Late Registration didn't feature more bangers like this one, and Jigga's verse? My Lord. "Difficult takes a day, impossible takes a week," indeed.

11. Z-Trip feat. Chuck D - Shock And Awe
Even though Public Enemy has sort of fumbled towards irrelevancy, it's still always nice to hear Chuck D rip a fat beat. Z-Trip's thunderous rock influenced (remember this is the dude that came to prominence behind tracks like "Rockstar" off the Return of the DJ Volume II compilation) beat serves as the perfect foundation for Chuck to unload his discontentment and righteous anger.

12. Ghostface - Be Easy
Staten Island's in the house, put the record on replay. How is it that Ghostface is the only Wu member who you can reasonably expect quality records from anymore? Pete Rock on the beats comes correct, and Ghost tosses off one liners like "You be frontin' like you got a lot chicks/ You at home, beating your dick." After Kanye, I'm afraid to say that had his new record dropped this year it'd probably be on my best albums list, but if it sounds anything like this, it'd have to be on it. And a pretty high numver, too-- this song is nuts. 'Face also shines on "The Mask" from Dangerdoom's The Mouse and The Mask, one of the more fun records of the year.

13. Royksopp - What Else Is There (Thin White Duke remix)
Jacques Lu Cont has been dropping solid remixes (Since U Been Gone, Mr. Brightside, Starsailor's "Four To The Floor") for a while now. Here, he works his magic on one of the better tracks from a very good album, The Understanding, mixing up eight and a half minutes of chilled, understated funk. Because of "Poor Leno," everyone associates these Norweigans are the "chill out" kings, but they're far more versatile than that, as this remix actually turns down the tempo from the original, but it works. Another solid slab of wax from Mr. LuCont.

14. Deep Dish featuring Stevie Nicks - Dreams (Fleetwood Mac cover)
It's ok to be skeptical. I mean, the idea of a house remix of.... a Fleetwood Mac song? Well, it does boggle the mind a bit, certainly. But the fact that Stevie Nicks herself flew over to record the vocals, so it's obviously got her seal of approval, helps quell the suspicion. And then somehow, the deep, bouncy beat manages to wrap its grooves into Nicks' vocals, and you've got yourself a bangin' little number.

15. Garbage - Sex Is Not The Enemy
When I was initially trying to order this mix, I had this song at #1 or #2 in the sequence. But I decided that you couldn't find a better opener than SOAD, and We Are Scientists just fit. Slotting this in at third would have blown my load too early, so here it is, providing one last rev-up before the final descent. I get off on the roaring guitars and the cooing of Shirley Manson. So sue me.

16. Atmosphere - Little Man
If you're just talking about putting quality product on the streets, between Felt 2 and the new Atmosphere album, Slug might just be my MC of the year. This song, which caps off You Can't Imagine How Much Fun We're Having, is one of my favorites of the year. Ant cooks up yet another soulful heatrock, and Slug addresses his son, his father, and himself with each of his verses. I particularly enjoy his self-critique "Hows the love? Hows the music? Hows the self abusiveness?...You're getting old, your raps are exhausting, stop it, everybody knows that you've lost it." It's almost as if, even in full on somber mode, Slug takes the time to wink at the detractors that have been harping since Overcast (three albums ago).

17. Maximo Park - Acrobat
Uhm, when did Warp start putting out indie rock records? I mean, aren't they all Prefuse 73 and Autechre? Now they're signing the British version of Interpol? Hey, whatever. I warn you, this song is kind of a downer, but that's why it's the second to last track-- would be a very depressing way to end the mix. However, it is understated and somehow wormed it's way into my consciousness. A strong track from a strong album.

18. Sia - Breathe Me
Just as this song wrapped up the final act of Six Feet Under, so to it closes out this mixtape in haunting fashion. Remixes by Four Tet (who I like better as a remixer than full blown solo artist) and especially Mylo were nice, but they can't touch the emotion packed original. Just a tremendous, beautiful song, which ends a look back at 2005 all neat and tidy like.

Also, since were in the full on listing mode, do check out Skeet's rundown of the Babes of '05 which he dropped this past week. Quite good. Skeet Skeet Skeet!

HOLY SHIT!

2005-12-04T02:07:00.000-05:00

Hey, I thought the worst. And say what you want (and I'd probably agree with you. If you wanna throw around the words "worst" and "BCS" and "team" and "EVER," I'd pretty mch agree with you). But the only two words that matter rigtht now are....

ACC and CHAMPIONS.

I am fucking amazed. Uhm yeah.... Orange Bowl, here we come? Wait. what?

Flyin' Down I-95, Pocket Full of Dimes

2005-11-29T21:51:00.000-05:00

Sexier folks than me have eloquently spoke to something that I firmly believe: That their is no better place for testing out some tunes, for really experiencing an album, than in your car. And there may be no better time to really get into whatever your pumping than when you've got numerous hours and several hundred miles of barren highway stretched out in front of you ("I've got miles to go before I sleep" and all that). This past week, what with the Thanksgiving holiday, I had just such an opportunity, both on the long drive to and from VA to NY, but also in shorter bursts throughout the week (in contrast to VA, where the only driving I do is to work, in NY all I do is driving-- oddly enough, the one place I didn't drive was work). Here's what I learned about my music collection and myself in those lonely hours when all I had to do was keep the gas pedal pushed, keep the eyes on the road, turn the volume up, and lean back with me and my thoughts.

-- I briefly mentioned last week the Fort Minor/Green Lantern mixtape We Major and how surprisingly unawful it was. Well, on the drive up I-95 towards Nueva York, I spent a good portion of the time listening to the official album, The Rising Tied. And you know what? It, too, is not completely awful. In fact, I'll even say it's pretty good. Not great, and probably pretty much forgettable in three to four months (or after the first half dozen spins or so), but not bad overall.

Don't get it twisted: I'm not saying Mike Shinoda is gonna make anyone forget that the executive producer of this album, President Carter, has (at least temporarily) hung up the mic or anything (and Mike, you're telling me that you can get Jay-Z to oversee the project and do voice over drops on the interludes, but you couldn't get a verse? I mean, the man's been dropping verses all over the place, and you couldn't get a 16 from your boy? What up with that?), but at least I didn't feel the urge to laugh out loud like I do everytime I hear his verse on Handsome Boy Modeling School's "Rock and Roll (Could Never Hip Hop Like This) Part 2."

Obviously, if it ain't the lyrics that get the album off the ground, it's got to be the beats, right? And here is where Shinoda comes correct, most of the time. Sure, at times it sounds as if he's channeling the more obvious elements of DJ Shadow through a fitler of Primo 101, with a dash of Linkin Park-esque rock theatrics, but at least it makes for an entertaiing car ride. I particularly enjoyed the boom bap of "Feel Like Home," the twisted G-Funk of "In Stereo," and the blatant Shadow rip off of "Out The Back." And as a history major and armchair historian, I can't write about the album without mentioning "Kenji," which wraps the story of the World War II Japanese internment camps over a head nodding beat.

-- I don't know how I feel about Hypnotize, I think I gotta give it a few more spins. We all know the deal with double albums by now, given that while many have tried (Biggie, 2Pac, Wu Tang, Smashing Pumpkins, Guns 'n Roses, Jay-Z, etc), there has yet to be a truly great double album: Too much filler, could have been cut down to one great single album. And upon first hearing the holy hell fury of Mezmerize, I thought that SOAD had come up with the genius way to sort of sidestep that problem-- drop one brain melter, wait six months until people have been allowed to let that sink in and get tired of, and just when they're not expecting it, peel their caps back again. However, I don't know if Hypnotize holds up it's end of the bargain. Sure, there are some interesting songs and all, but at some point they just sorta run together and begin to sound similiar. While the title track is a fantastic single (I love that opening line-- "Why don't you ask the kids at Tiannamen Square, was fashion the reason why they were there?"), but the album really lacks something like Mesmerize's "Old School Hollywood," which uses its vocoder vocals and new wave inspired instrumentation to differentiate itself from your typical System of a Down Slayer-on-a-speed-binge riffery.

-- In traditional long drive fashion, on a whim I threw in a CD I hadn't listened to in a while and realized that I perhaps underestimated its power. In this instance, the lucky lottery winner was Interpol's Turn On The Bright Lights. Now, I realize that I might just be the only person on the planet who appreciates Antics more than Lights, and I'm not quite sure why that is. Perhaps it's the more polished production and tighter song writing featured on the second album, perhaps its due to the fact that my first few listens of Lights made me think "there are some good ideas here, but alot of these tunes sound like demos of 80% complete tunes," or perhaps its something as simple as the fact that I started to get into Interpol hardcore around the time Antics dropped (I somehow missed the hype wave of the previous two years). None of that is really important... what is really important is that I gained some new respect for the album and it definitely rose considerably in my estimation.

In much the same way that I re-discovered Turn On The Bright Lights almost by accident, in doing so I discovered the perfect musical soundtrack to the montage of this past week, where my life ever to be made into a movie: "NYC," by Interpol.

Allow me to back up for a second, if you will. Whenever I've thought of songs that describe my hometown, almost immediately I point to two: Either "Welcome to New York City" by Killa Cam and Jigga, or Jigga's "Where I'm From." Both tracks embody what I like to think are the traits I value most about the Rotten Apple in my most braggadacious moods-- the attitude, the swagger, the faint aura of invincibility and menacing, know it all superiority. "Welcome To New York City" was the post-9/11 anthem that ruled the NY airwaves during the Summer of 2002 which allowed NYers to puff their chests out and know that it takes a fuck load more to keep us down and out-- "It's the home of 9/11, the place of the lost towers/ We still bangin', we never lost power." It screams of defiance and indomitable will, not just to Osama and Al Queda, but the rest of the nation as well, as if to say "Weaker motherfuckers would have fallen over this shit. Didn't you know this was New fuckin York, mufucka? Its gonna take a lot more to get us on our knees, bitch."

"Where I'm From," one of the few truly stand out tracks from Jigga's largely disappointing sophomore album, has alot of the same feelings in it. It certainly got a lot of playtime during wintery evenings in snowy Ohio, when I wanted to forget about the paper I was writing about but more importantly forget about the fact that I was in the middle of a fucking cornfield. Although I have no knowledge of throwing the grams in the can and running, or wearing vests, or much of anything else that Jay speaks about, yet I can't help but puff out my chest and feel a certain bond with that song, because the grime, the foreboding sheer size of the city and hint of fear that some tourists feel swirling in the air-- all of that bleeds through the song. Biggie may have been hip hop's Sinatra, but this is hip hop's answer to "New York, New York."

But ya know, when you come home, only to realize that "home" really isn't home anymore.... when your bedroom has been converted into a guest room... when you go out in search of thrills and fond reminisces, only to be reminded of why it was that you left in the first place.... it's hard to puff out your chest and scream "Welcome to New York City!" Because for as much fun as I had and as happy as I was to be back in the Greatest Damn State in the Union, I couldn't escape a certain sense of melancholy and bewilderment, a feeling that I was slightly out of step with things, almost like I didn't belong anymore-- and maybe I don't, anymore. And the slow, brooding grooves of "NYC" perfectly captured that mood, so much so that when I first heard it in my car on my way to some bar, I spun it back three times in a row and then I refused to listen to it until I had left the state limits. I almost felt like that by listening to the song, the melancholy tone would seep into me and become a self fulfilling prophecy-- as if by empathizing with the song's tone and lyrics, it would force me into a depression when I really only felt a small feeling of bewilderment and out of sortness.

I'm sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care
The Subway is a porno, pavements they are a mess
I know you've supported me for a long time, but somehow I'm not impressed
New York cares (Got to be some more change in my life)
New York cares (Got to be some more change in my life)....

Knock, Knock, Who's There, Killa Cam, Killa Cam -- in San Diego!?

2005-11-17T21:33:00.001-05:00

Friends, romans, countrymen-- I do apologize for my long abscence. I had not intended to stay away so long, but your boy has had smiles some smiles and some frowns, some ups and downs along the way, y'all know how it is. I had also intended to post some cuts from the surprisingly not awful Fort Minor/Green Lantern mixtape We Major a few weeks ago, such as Juelz Santana rhyming over "Sweet Child O' Mine" (I shit you not), as well as some hot rhymes laid over the "Banquet" break from my boys Bloc Party, but it's kinda late for that. If you're nice, maybe I'll still consider it.

But anyway.... y'all wanna know why I was really away for so long?

Your faithful friend Dan here has been a little bit depressed. And why, you ask?

Ian has got me depressed. Seriously, I don't know how I didn't discover this dude earlier. The half baked thoughts that fly in and out of my head, the half developed ideas I spit out in two sentences on this blog... dude turns into a fully formed thesis. Seriously... I thought that Simmons or Klosterman were the guiding lights I looked to as far as writing... but damn, this kid makes me want to put the pen down, shut off the laptop, and just give the game up. Kinda like how thousands of dudes in Brooklyn musta put aside their dreams of ever rockin' the mic the first time they heard Biggie spit on some street corner (Actually.... I don't know how true that statement is. Given the level of originality in current hip hop, those same thousands of motherfuckers probably thought "I can get rich if I just bite that fat cat's style!" But I digress...)

First it was this ridiculously blazing hot must read comparison of college football teams and rappers. Or peep this, where he flips an idea I myself discussed, and manages to perfectly capture how my man The Sportsguy has lost his fastball over the last 12-18 months (and sorry Grambo, I love you, and I'm the biggest Simmons fan you'll ever find-- see above-- but dude totally has slipped up. I can practically see dude chilling on the beach in Cali, dictating his columns to his editor over his cell phone while he sips a Corona at this point, but again I digress...) at the same damn time.

But enough dicklicking. What we are really all here to discuss and pontificate is this: Killa Cam's impending departure from Queens.

And yes, on the surface, this is a ridiculous trade for the Mets. But there has to be something understand by all the panicked denizens of Flushing (including my boy Rosie, who loves him some Killa Cam): This trade is only the opening salvo of the offseason.
At the very least, this trade opens up anywhere from $4-6 million dollars in the payroll for the Mets. Money which can be rapidly spun towards Billy Wagner (who the Mets desperately want and is being actively courted next week), Rafael Furcal (in order to have any hope of getting him to come to Queens and switch to second, the Mets will have to outbid everyone else), or to pay for someone like Manny Ramirez or Carlos Delgado.

Not only does it open some room in the payroll, but Nady becomes an inexpensive trade chip. Sure, he's his stock has certainly dropped since a few years ago, when his name was mentioned as one of the best prospects in baseball, but he's still only 27, and don't forget the Petco Park effect. Sure, Shea Stadium is a pitcher's park, but Petco is a hitters graveyard (Want proof? Just look at Brian Giles' stat lines). It is not unreasonable to think that Nady can be a relatively productive fifth or sixth hitter and 1B/RF in Flushing.

And of course, Nady's age, contract, and still present potential make him an ideal trade chip. I could see him packaged with some prospects to Boston for Manny or penny pinching Florida for Delgado.

There's no question that it hurts to see Mike Cameron leaving the Mets. By all accounts, he was the centerpiece of the Mets clubhouse, the guy that kept everyone else laughing and loose. Its not coincidence that the Mets noticably sagged after his horrific collision with Beltran this summer. He was a loyal soldier, moving to RF despite his Gold Gloves in center and playing stellar defense after Beltran took his spot last winter with minimal bitching. Yes, there's no doubt that Killa Cam will be missed.

But this is only the first in what will likely be many of Omar Minaya's mad machinations, as he moves the chess pieces around the board. And I trust Omar Minaya, maybe more so than any GM that the Mets have had since Frank Cashman (admittedly not saying much). This is a man who stole the premier free agent that rightly should have belonged to the hated Yankees (Beltran), who correctly gambled that Pedro would be dominant in the NL (although we'll see if that's the case in 2007 and '08). So, while on the surface Nady for Cameron looks as bad as Kazmir for Zambrano, I have faith.

Faith that Omar knows what he's doing. Faith that in the coming weeks, we're gonna get Billy Wagner. That we're gonna get a stand out catcher. That we're gonna get the big bat we need. That he'll make this work.

I really have no other choice.

Related: Read Faith and Fear in Flushing's take on the trade. Like Jay-Z, they do this in their sleep (although, to my knowledge, they have never sold kilos of coke or CD's).

Haha, Who They Think They Carjacking?

2005-10-28T00:02:00.000-04:00

Yeah, we all heard about the man, the myth, the legend Killa Cam getting shot in DC late Sunday night.

But you wanna know why Cam'ron is not only my favorite rapper working the mic right now, but the leader of a movement which is making 50 Cent and G-Unit look like a bunch of masquerading amateurs?

Immediately upon he release from the hospital, he reminds everyone that he's "hardcore Randy Savage, Bob Backlin" by issuing declarations like "People are foolish if they think I'm going to lose my head and give up anything to anyone just because someone threatens me. I'm doing OK. It takes more than a botched carjacking to keep me down.” All those chains you saw him rocking in the Jeezy "Soul Survivor" video? That fly new blue Lamborghini he's rockin'? Ya can't get it from Cam.

But then, what does he do? He heads straight to the studio and cooks up the remix to the street anthem of the year, "Get 'Em Daddy," to make the point abundantly clear.

Cam'ron feat. Hell Rell, Jim Jones, and J.R. Writer - Get 'Em Daddy (Remix)

(Yo, where's Juelz?)

Tom Breihan had a really interesting take on the shooting and Cam's image that's worth perusing.

Get 'em daddy.... daddy got 'em.

P.S. Perhaps if Cam had one of these fools would be less inclined to roll up on the Lambo...

We're Off to See the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of...

2005-10-26T19:41:00.000-04:00

This morning my father (the recently reborn member of the Temple of the Red Sox) sent out an email to some people in his office (notable Yankee fans, mostly) and myself, mentioning that the Astros surely are toast because no one comes back from a 3-0 deficit, right? Here's what I wrote back:

If you listen carefully, you can just make out the strains of a conference call going on in the visiting managers office at Minute Maid Park (roof open).... shhhhh, lets listen in:

Ozzie Guillen: What's up, my papis!
Mariano Riviera: Hola!
Alex Rodriguez: What's really good, Wizard of Oz?
Ozzie: Nuttin' man, just tryin' to get this thing wrapped up. I got a question for y'all...
Mariano and Alex: (simultaneously, nervously)... Uhh, what's that...
Ozzie: I was just wonderin', ya know, what it was that you guys did pre-Game 4 of the ALCS last year, so I can tell my guys.
Mariano: I took a nap, listened to some reggaeton...
Alex: Word, I shot the fakest Pepsi commerical ever*, had some dinner, gave some of my fans the finger ... ya know, the usual.
Ozzie: Thanks, mi brothas! Now I know what to tell my guys NOT to do this afternoon. A-Rod, I'll hit you up this offseason in Miami. If I'm nice, I'll even let you kiss my ring!

The moral of the story: 26 rings are nice, except when you've accidentally swallowed them, they're sliding down your esphogaus, and you wrap your hands around your throat in a retarted attempt to give yourself the heimleich, if ya feel me.

*Cuz we know A-Rod ain't hitting any big game homers. And he sure as Hell ain't blowin' up the moon. Come to think of it, neither is Vlad...

Thought that was funny and some might get a kick out of that, so I figured I'd post it here.

And since we're here, can we please quiet all this "This World Series might be the most competitive World Series in recent memory" talk, please? OK, if you wanna tell me that it might be the most competitive (potential) four game sweep ever (which is kind of an oxymoron, isn't it?), I might by that. But unless four years doesn't fall under the definition of "recent memory," this doesn't fit the bill. The 2001 World Series, for example, was far more tense and competitive (the incendiary pitching of Byung Hyung Kim, the air of invincibility surrounding Mariana Rivera getting punctured for the first time, the beginning of the end of the Yankee dynasty), as was 2002 (Bonds' putting to bed the rumors that he's not a big game player-- listening A-Rod?-- with mammoth homeruns off of Percival and the unhittable K-Rod, the Angels storming back to Rally Monkey their way to the title). This one's been interesting, and it has been competitive to a point I suppose, but it hasn't necessarily been interesting, either.

And yo, the pumpkin thing was mostly a joke. Everyone calm down, I was just thinking out loud and trying to make a joke and reminisce about my childhood, not make a giant sociologial statement here. Ease up, kids.

Roll With The Winners

2005-10-11T22:15:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I know that lots of heads already written about it , but as a new found resident of Virginia I feel the need to throw some props to the only in state crew causing more destruction than the Virginia Tech Hokies right now-- Pusha, Malice (a/k/a/ VA's own Clipse), Ab-Liva, and Sandman (comin' from Philly). Collectively, they go by the name of The Re-Up Gang, and they've produced a masterpiece in We Got It 4 Cheap, Vol. 2. I've heard them described as "coke dealer rap." which is an apt yet somewhat odd sounding description, but every track on this thing is a certified banger. And the beats they jump on.... my lord. Seriously: Best. Mixtape. Of. The. Year.

--And hey, maybe I'm not such an idiot after all:

However, if A-Rod truly is the AL MVP (and I don’t think he is, as you’ll see tomorrow), he’s got to step up and put a big time stamp on this series. If he doesn’t, it’ll only give more credence to those who say he puts up MVP numbers in blowouts and under no pressure, but when wilts when you need the big hit.

Bet that MVP trophy that may be coming to A-Rod next month looks real, real hollow to Yankee fans right about now, huh? And hey, I'm not the only one who hates the Yankees. See, there are somewhat sound, thought out reasons for hating the Yankees ($2.2 million per win!) other than pure jealousy (And no, Dr. Alterman and I are not just bitter Mets fans. Dirty liberals? Sure. But "haters"? Nah...).

-- I know that the topic of the Angels being exhausted and having to travel has been beaten to death in the media, but I can't believe the Angels are even in the ball game tonight (as I type this, they lead 3-2 after eight). Pitching staff shot to shit, three cities (three time zones!) in three days, going up against the rested and ready White Sox (who I must admit I sincerely underrated coming in to this thing-- sorry, Ozzie Guillen)... I was fully expecting Chicago to cruise and win something like 7-0 tonight. Should be a good series...

-- And finally, a little while ago, upon the entrance to the grocery store, I saw one of the most bizarre things I'd ever seen: A pre-painted Halloween pumpkin. Wow... maybe I'm reading too much into this, but doesn't that say something about American culture and lifestyle, circa 2005?

Some of my favorite Halloween memories are not running around the neighborhood feisting on free candy (although that was good too), but rather painting the pumpkin or carving a Jack O' Lantern with my family. I also got a kick out of trying to slice the most bizarre, misguided expressions on to my pumpkin, and delighted in seeing it illuminated on my front porch throughout Halloween evening (even though we usually only got about two Trick or Treaters, so it's not like many people were gonna see it). Have we really reached the point-- have we become this lazy?-- that we can't even be bothered to paint or carve our own damn pumpkins? And people wonder why American culture is hated and mocked, or that we're thought of as weak and fat? I mean, that's just pathetic.

Quick Thought

2005-10-09T21:50:00.000-04:00

Just a quick little question/observation: Is it weird that I've spent more time watching to see what Mr. Chad "Who's Covering 85 in '05?" Johnson will do than I have the Yankees?

I mean, this is me, Mr. "Hardcore Baseball Junkie Since '88," on a day when the freaking Yankees could possibly get eliminated, and I just don't have much enthusiasm for it. Maybe the fact that the Braves-Astros game went so damn long (to the point where my friend Beth and I were making jokes about the game whimpering on the floor, begging for someone to shoot it in the head) probably has something to do with it.

But I'm also sure that Chad Johnson is my favorite player in the NFL, period bottomline. I think I'm gonna have to go out and buy me a 85 jersey one of these days (and it'd probably be a better investment than that Beltran authentic I copped this winter)...

And The Envelopes Please....

2005-10-04T22:45:00.000-04:00

So yesterday, I made my predictions for the baseball postseason. How about we hand out some awards, shall we?

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR

National League: Ryan Howard, 1B, Phillies
Jeff Francoeur is a nice little player, and he certainly played a major part in helping the Braves win their 14th straight division title, both with his timely hitting and outfield arm. However, Howards’ numbers-- .286, 22 HR, 62 RBI, .921 OPS in only 308 at-bats—are simply monsterous. When Jim Thome was lost for the season, Philly just plugged in the 25 year old and got basically the same amount of production. The Phils once again fell short of the playoffs, but it wasn’t the big guy’s fault.

(As an aside: Rumors have already begun popping up, speculating on where the Phillies will trade Thome, with the Rangers, Red Sox, and Angels rumored to be among the likely suitors. Depending on the price tag, if I’m Omar Minaya, I would at least explore what it would take—both financially and player wise—to acquire him.)

American Leauge: Huston Street, RP, Athletics
Hey, if you wanna go with Robinson Cano, I’ve got no beef with you. He’s certainly got the numbers-- .295, 14 HR, 62 RBI’s—not to mention a large collection of clutch hits and steady defense. However, it’s hard to find a closer of any age that was as reliable as Street, not to mention the collection of numbers he brings to the table—5-1, 1.72 ERA, 23 saves in 27 chances, nearly a strikeout an inning. Effortlessly handling the pressure of closing major league games at age 22, just a year removed from the College World Series at Texas, Street showed incredible poise and looks like an anchor of the rapidly reloading Oakland machine for years to come.

CY YOUNG

National League: Roger Clemens, Astros
Yeah, he’s a mercenary, and a jerk to boot. But you can’t front on the sickening numbers he put up this year, especially at age 43. You can’t argue with a 1.87 ERA, and if the Astros had scored any runs for him this year, he would have had more than his 13 wins and there’d be no debate whatsoever. Props to D-Train and Carpenter for great seasons, but Clemens takes home his staggering 8th Cy Young.

American League: Johan Santana, Twins
He probably won’t win it—it’ll probably go to Bartolo Colon in a year which lacks a clear cut favorite based on his 21 W’s and the ace of the West winning Angels—but Johan is far and away the best pitcher in the American League. Any worry that his jaw-dropping 2004 Cy season was a fluke were assuaged (not that there were many to begin with) with a stellar 16-7, 2.87 ERA, 9.2 K/9 season. Only 26, Santana appears poised for a long reign atop mounds all across the American League.

MOST VALUABLE PLAYER

National League: Albert Pujols, 1B, Cardinals
With Barry Bonds out the whole year, the path has been cleared for Albert the Great to finally win a much deserved MVP. While Andruw Jones’ 50 homers certainly played a huge role in powering the Braves towards the postseason once again, Pujols simply did what he always does—mash. Sure, the Cardinals are a great all around ball club and have been good for quite a while, but that should not obscure in the slightest the contributions of one of the five best players in the game. If he doesn’t finally win an MVP soon, the fact alone will dishonor the award itself, in much the same way that Martin Scorsese’s lack of an Oscar doesn’t bestow much credit on the Academy.

American League: David Ortiz, DH, Red Sox
Sure, give it to A-Rod, solely for the fact that he plays in the field (and admittedly plays a pretty fine third) and Ortiz DH’s. However, I’m a National League fan who abhors the very concept of the DH, so it takes a lot for me to give the nod to one in Ortiz. However, every since Game 4 of last year’s ALCS, Big Papi has just been an absolute beast, amassing an ungodly amount of clutch hits. Ortiz followed the same recipe that won Vladimir Guerrero, Miguel Tejada, and Jason Giambi MVP awards before him— namely, put your team on your back for the month of September and carry them, kicking and screaming, into the postseason.

Today, Bill Simmons wrote this about A-Rod during Saturday's AL East clinching win for the Yanks:

"An MVP performance from A-Rod, who waited until the Yanks were up 6-2 before he ripped a long home run, then followed that up with two more big hits. The weird thing about A-Rod is that there's nobody more terrifying in a big game ... when you're down by 4 runs. There really isn't. It's like he goes to another level."

See, that’s the thing about A-Rod—he seems to do the most damage when the game is already decided one way or the other for the Yankees. And while he wasn’t nearly as bad in the clutch as he has been in the past, he wasn’t Ortiz, who was downright Bondsian coming down the stretch. Basically, without A-Rod, I figure the Yanks still find a way to make the playoffs. Without Ortiz, who was strictly there’s no way in Hell the Sox make the playoffs. I seriously don’t understand why anyone pitched to him these last 3-4 weeks.

Here's Where The Fun Begins...

2005-10-03T22:07:00.000-04:00

Uhm, does anyone else find it weird that FOX is using the Smashing Pumpkins as background music on the incessant commercials for the playoffs?

Anywho, what is quite possibly my favorite time of the year begins tomorrow at 1, with the Padres and Cardinals squaring off as the curtain opens on the playoffs once again. The last time I tried to make predictions about the baseball playoffs was my junior year of college, and I think I made every single prediction wrong.

Then again, no one saw that one. I intended to send it out as an email, and just as I hit send, my computer crapped out on me (I’ve learned my lesson this time: I’m writing it in Word first).

AMERICAN LEAGUE

Honestly, I have trouble deciding on who I like in either of the initial series in the AL. With serious questions about both the Yankees and the Red Sox, the two presumed goliaths of the division, I could see any of the four teams advancing. At the end, we should see a third Red Sox-Yankees blood feud, at least on paper. I’m picking both series’ to go five, because I can see either team winning in both cases.

Red Sox-White Sox: My father and grandfather, both devout acolytes of the cult which is Red Sox Nation are on pins and needles, if my father’s increasingly frenzied emails over the past week are any indication (love you Pops!). And they should be. The Red Sox starters are shaky and inconsistent, and the bullpen—Mike Timlin closing!?—has got to keep fans all across New England waking up in cold sweats. Can the Red Sox score 8 runs a game in October? They may have to, just to have a shot.

The trouble is, I have trouble picking the White Sox either. Any team that nearly coughs up a fifteen game lead in August scares the living hell out of me. No one on their offense really puts the fear of God in the opposing pitcher, with the possible exception of Konerko. It remains to be seen whether the White Sox can play their brand of small ball effectively in the tight games of the playoffs, and while the pitching is solid throughout, they lack a true imposing ace (Note: I realize so does Boston. But Chicago also doesn’t have Ortiz and Ramirez, either).

Anyone that knows me knows that I’m a huge admirer of the Oakland A’s and a card carrying member of the Billy Beane fan club. Yet, this White Sox team looks a lot to me like the A’s teams that showed so much promise, only to flame out in the first round year after year. In the end, I’m going with the experience and the entire Red Sox organization and the incredible combination of clutch and cluelessness that is Big Papi and Manny.

The pick: Boston in Five.

Yankees-Angels: Most Yankee fans will tell you that the Angels are the last team they wanted to play in the first round, because they always play them tough (and remember, it was the Angels who Rally Monkeyed the Yanks in 2002). It’s why the Yankees were so pissed at Buck Showalter Sunday, because the last thing they wanted to do was concede homefield advantage.

Even with Randy Johnson rounding into form as the menacing October ace George Steinbrenner envisioned when he acquired him, the Yankees pitching is loaded with question marks—Can you really trust Shawn Chacon in the playoffs? What’s up with Mike Mussina? Much like the Red Sox, it may take a nightly fireworks display for the Bombers to move on, especially against a deep Angel bullpen.

It is the Angels offense that may wind up doing them in, because Vlad The Impaler can only carry them so far. Steve Finley has been a huge disappointment, and Halos desperately need Garrett Anderson to rediscover his 2002 form. If Chone Figgins has a big series and Vlad gets a little magic (and some pitches to hit), the Angels could win this thing.

Nevertheless, I think Randy Johnson combined with the impressive Yankee offense gets them to three victories. If this was a seven game series, I might think differently. However, if A-Rod truly is the AL MVP (and I don’t think he is, as you’ll see tomorrow), he’s got to step up and put a big time stamp on this series. If he doesn’t, it’ll only give more credence to those who say he puts up MVP numbers in blowouts and under no pressure, but when wilts when you need the big hit.

The pick: Yankees in Five.

AL CHAMPION: Yankees in Six As much as it pains me to say, I think this is where the Red Sox pitching gets exploited, unless Curt Schilling can channel the Schilling of October past (or maybe just a bloody sock).

NATIONAL LEAGUE

Unlike the AL, I see the NL much more clearly. Of course, that probably means that we’ll be seeing the Padres and Braves in a rematch of the 1998 NLCS…

Padres-Cardinals Are you serious? I know that a team can get hot for a stretch and that anything can happen in the playoffs. Jake Peavy is a certified number one starter for San Diego, and likely NL Cy Young winner Chris Carpenter appeared to be tiring as the season wound down. Doesn’t matter.

There’s a reason the Padres finished barely over .500 and the Cardinals were the best team in the National League. Pujols goes off, and the Padres will be lucky if the Padres even win tomorrow with Peavy going.

The pick: St. Louis in Four.

Houston-Atlanta: Well, you’ve got the team that won its first postseason series last season versus the team that held the patent for postseason choking, until the Yankees came along and made them look like cheap generic ripoffs last year. Bobby Cox’s boys have had a nice little run, plugging in rookies to great effectiveness and riding the long promised breakout season of Andruw Jones. And the addition of Hudson gives them an imposing 1-2 punch in the starting rotation.

Except that Houston goes them one better, trotting out the three-headed monster of Clemens-Oswalt-Petitite. Last year, the ‘Stros took out the Braves. I don’t see this year being any different. Let’s hope the Ted is actually sold out for these games…

The pick: Houston in Five.

NL CHAMPION: Houston in Six. The Astros came dangerously close to toppling the Cardinals last year. Sure, they lost Beltran, but they’ve got a healthy Andy Petitite, not to mention a better bullpen infront of The Terminator, Brad Lidge. I say this is the year the Astros storm the castle and finally make it to the World Series…

WORLD CHAMPION: Houston Astros in Six… and go ahead and win it to boot. Picture this: Pitching at familiar Yankee Stadium, Andy Petitite twirls a gem as the Astros clinch. While watching Petitite, Clemens, and Astros celebrate on the Yankee Stadium field, George Steinbrenner begins laying waste to his luxury box, where his head literally explodes in a modern mystery of science.

STILL My Favorite Band of '05

2005-09-26T21:34:00.000-04:00

OK, I admit it: I might not be completely unbiased. But hey, if Mr. Leafblower can gush about Mylo, I'm allowed to do the same about Bloc Party, dammit!

At first glance, the idea to follow up Silent Alarm, an album that only dropped six months ago (and still far and away my favorite album of the year), with oh-so captivatingly titled Silent Alarm Remixed. After getting over the distaste that accompanies such an obvious cash-in record label bullshit move (really, I thought Bloc Party were above that), I was more interested in how this would sound.

Remixes by themselves are a tricky thing. The best of them tread the same line that cover songs do: The remixer has got to inject enough of their own particular style to make it interesting, yet it also has to retain enough of the original elements that made a song worth covering/remixing in the first place. Change too much and it's just a song by the remixer under another name; change too little and what's the point of even remixing the song in the first place?

Throw in the fact that, being that remix albums are like live albums and simple stop-gap-money grabs, and alot of time they are produced on the cheap. I can think of some great remix combinations that would be interesting to see (I might be the only one who thinks that the Secret Machines would sound wickedly bizarre remixed by Groove Armada), record labels don't think this way. They'd just assume that they get some guys who people may or may not have heard of, who are fairly cheap and can do the work quickly. Often times, you get a record that sounds like some stoned kid in his bedroom trying to be DJ Shadow or RjD2, and failing miserably.

Surprisingly, Silent Alarm Remixed succeeds a lot more often than most remix albums. Although some of the better songs have been released on various EPs and singles already (like the Phones Disco Edit of "Banquet," or Four Tet's take on "So Here We Are), its interesting to hear the track by track remake of the album. I've obviously listened to the original album numerous times, yet the best of these remixes manage to take the songs in different and interesting directions for me. The entire album kept my interest, and has more than the to be expected couple of complimentary spins from me.

Obviously, like I said, I'm biased, and this album is probably only interested to Bloc Party diehards, but be that as it may. Because they've also gone the extra length to release a brand new single, "Two More Years." My Lord... if this is what awaits in the follow up to Silent Alarm, we can all stop worrying about the Curse of the Wack Second Album right now. Because it retains all the things you love about Bloc Party (the groove, the charging drums, the swirling guitars), yet also shows just the right amount of progression to make it compelling. I'm really digging this right now.

And hey, in addition to another new track, "Hero," what else have we got here? Why, it's another remix! Although its more of a mash up than a true remix, the Banquet remix by Mike Skinner, a/k/a/ The Streets is hot fire. I'm a huge Streets fan (although I greatly prefer Original Pirate Material to A Grand Don't Come For Free), and hearing him spit his Joe Everyday lyrics over the Banquet break is pretty interesting and fun.

-- Also, really quick, since we're on the topic of favorite bands of mine: If anyone knows where I can find the leaked Thursday demos, please holla at me.

And do yourself a favor: Download Ghostface's "Be Easy" (here). It is ridiculously hot, and as my man Douglas notes, Pete Rock is truly destroying things right now, which is always good to see. Does this mean we can get a DJ Premier comeback going too, because I could really use a few of his rugged heat rocks right about now.

I Might Have A New Hero

2005-09-01T00:34:00.000-04:00

From this past Sunday's Washington Post Magazine:

"Like Jane Scott, who retired a few years ago as the pop critic at the Cleveland Plain Dealer at age 82. Yes, 82. She was already in her forties when the Beatles came to town, and when she figured out that nobody at the paper had signed up to cover the event, she volunteered.

For parts of the next five decades, she went to hundreds of shows, always with her ticket pinned to her chest, so she wouldn't lose it, usually armed with a peanut butter sandwich in case she got hungry. She's met everyone -- Brian Wilson, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, to name just a few. When I asked her what kept her going, she brought up the Doobie Brothers, of all bands. At some point in the '70s, they came to town and toward the end of their set played that FM staple "Black Water." There's an a cappella moment in that song, and when it came, she explained, everyone in the building was locked arm in arm, swaying and singing.
"Until you've experienced that," she told me once, shaking her head, "you don't know anything."
For Scott, understanding the power of amplified pop was nothing short of the beginning of enlightenment."

Wow. That's one awesome lady.

Except for the Doobie Brothers. I don't quite get down like that. And I'm not so sure about the whole swaying and singing "Let's all be redeemed by the grand rock spectacle!" moment either.

But nevertheless, if I'm even alive at 82. you can bet your sweet ass I'm not gonna be rocking out at shows, packed sandwich or not.

So yeah, like I said: One awesome lady.

NFC: No F'in Chance?

2005-08-30T23:40:00.000-04:00

Does the NFC still pale in comparison to the quality of play in the AFC? Will the Eagles make the Super Bowl again? Are you sick of T.O.? Do you care at all?

Here's Jake...

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles (13-3) – So if you’ve been reading, you realize that I think T.O.isa huge bitch, whether he deserves the money or not. T(icked) O(ff) will still come and play, thrive on the controversy and hog McNabb’s limelight. And how about a round of applause for the mainstream media for continuing to plug this unnecessary bullshit? There are exhilarating MLB pennant races abound and America is infatuated with T.O.’s menstrual cycle. And I’m not even going to get into Drew Rosenhaus, who needs like a lifetime supply of Seasonal. We’re not all 13 anymore. Seriously. ANYWAY…There’s still a helluva team there. Brian Westbrook is more multifaceted than an Ipod-infused microwave. Jevon Kearse will get his freak on (God, I can’t believe I went there. I feel like such a follower. I don’t like EMO. Fuck buying clothes at Walmart.) Brian Dawkins still gives receivers the crabapple-mcnasties, word to MAD TV circa 1995. Actually, I wouldn’t mind Dawkins giving it to T.O. during practice one day, turning this McNabb proclaimed soap opera into “General Hospital.” But that won’t happen and the Iggle soapie—award for the most mindless drama during pigskin programming—will go all 8 mile on us in January. Can’t you just see it, “I’m Michelle Tafoya, coming live to you from the Eagle locker room. It’s about an hour before the big game kicks off and Donovan is clipping T.O.’s fingernails. Al, it’s truly amazing how far these two have come!”

*New York Giants (8-8) – The maturation of Eli Manning continues. Plaxico Burress adds another weapon to go with Amani Toomer and Jeremy Shockey. (Anyone else think it was hilarious that Shockey ended up with a 666 receiving yards last season? Satan is blond!) If those three live up to their potential, Tom Coughlin might have his army thinking playoffs. Michael Strahan is back from injury, anchoring a decent defense. Shout out to my main man Ryan Grant, the fiercest competitor I’ve ever shared a court with, who is trying to make the team as the 4th running back. Soak up all the Tiki you can, keep being a sponge and things will work out. I’m going to be stupid and say the Giants are this year’s lucky 8-8 NFC team to make the playoffs.

Dallas Cowboys (7-9) – You wonder how The Tuna gets up and goes to work everyday. What makes the man with health problems and a great track record feel like he needs to resurrect Drew Bledose’s career? Great coaches need challenges. And with Keyshwan and Terry Glenn aging, it’s going to be tough. There’s no great back to place the burden on in Big D. Julius Jones had a few good games last year, but is overrated. Actually, I’m just still pissed that he took Ryan’s job at Norte Dame two years ago. Regardless, this squad isn’t very good and some heated press conferences are going to be all the rage, pun intended, in Big D. Washington

Redskins (6-10) – Wasted talent galore last season. The Skins look tofinally turn a new page, hoping to get the most out of Clinton Portis and Patrick Ramsey. Santana Moss will complain less than Laverneus Coles. The D is still pretty stacked. But really, Joe Gibbs should just race cars because the Skins need an extreme makeover. Talent alone doesn’t win jack in the NFL. If that was the case, the Skins and Saints would be perennial contenders.

NFC North

Minnesota Vikings (9-7) – The Vikings are less Randy than Austin Powers after he lost his mojo. And, amazingly, that’s not even that problematic. Watch Daunte Culpepper spread the ball with ease. He’ll put it down and take it himself with more frequency and success, as well. Nate Burelson, welcome to the limelight. Did you even know it existed while Randy was here? The secondary is a force, led by new acquisition Fred Smoot and Antoine Winfield. Nine wins is enough in the weak Norris. A healthy Michael Bennett is key.

Detroit Lions (8-8) – Joey Harrington and Jeff Garcia get fight for the right to throw to a plethora of uber-talented young receivers. Rookie Mike Williams should show no ill-effects from his year off and Roy Williams will continue to dazzle. Charles Rogers, when healthy, is slept on. Second year tailback Kevin Jones should benefit from the offensive ability that defines their passing game. R.W. McQuarters and Dre Bly are standout corners on a defense that lacks the ability to push the Lions to the playoffs. At least they should have good seats to the SuperBowl.

Green Bay Packers (7-9) – D-Lineman Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila is a sack party. Opposing QB’s and O-Lineman are welcome to watch him celebrate. Aside from his presence, everything else seems older at Lambeau…because, well, it is. Once healthy cheese is now turning moldy, though we should still admire Brett Favre for continuing to throw rockets despite numerous health hazards.

Chicago Bears (5-11) – The addition of Muhsin Muhammad and a relatively light schedule will net them a few wins. Rex isn’t in effect after breaking his ankle in the pre-season, which means Chad Hutchinson, who is the answer to nothing, takes the helm. Look for a few exciting moments from RB Cedric Benson—that is when opposing defenses don’t stack 8 in the box because Hutch doesn’t scare anybody. If Hutch got Starsky and Huggy Bear to man a weak offensive line, they might win the SnooperBowl. That’s right, I went there.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons (13-3) – Michael Vick has another year under his belt and that’s just trouble for anyone who is going to try and stop him. Michael Jenkins looks poised to break out after stepping ahead of Peerless Price on the depth chart. Alge Crumpler continues to be a pass catching vacuum. CB Deangelo Hall should really shine in his first full season of receiver lockdown. Keith Brooking is the rock that holds the defense together and he should be just as solid this season, 5th straight Pro Bowl type solid. Look for these birds to prey on the NFC all the way to a title game rematch with some other birds of prey.

*Carolina Panthers (11-5) – Julius Peppers is just amazing. He’ll win them a game or two by himself. As much as the phrase “making plays” is the most overrated linguistic “footballism” EVER, Peppers is one of those guys who makes it acceptable to hear [pick your least favorite broadcaster] ramble on about “football is about making plays” without saying anything specific. Peppers, Ray Lewis, Ed Reed are the only guys in that category. I don’t wanna hear about anybody else “making plays because he’s a great player.” Jake Delhomme is a survivor, and he’ll deal adequately with the loss of Muhammad. Deshaun Foster will open some eyes, possibly in the postseason, a place the Panthers should find themselves as long as they don’t lose the first part of the season to injuries again.

New Orleans Saints (8-8) – If you’ve written a Saints preview, you’ve written a thousand Saints previews.
Mediocrity (Webster’s version)–
1. The state or quality of being mediocre. Example: New Orleans Saints franchise.
2. Mediocre ability, achievement, or performance. Example: Late season swoon in New Orleans.
3. One that displays mediocre qualities. Example: Aaron Brooks, Deuce McAllister, Joe “can you hear my ego now?” Horn when placed in a situation filled with pressure.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12) – Sweet stadium. Note to Derrick Brooks: get traded. Since you won’t be winning anything, could you guys find Doc Gooden for me please? I need to talk to him. Thanks.

NFC West (I can’t convey how disappointing it is write almost an entire NFL preview and then come to the NFC West at the end. I’m really sad right now.)

St. Louis Rams (10-6) – Talk about taking advantage of a crappy division. Did the Rams really make the second round of the playoffs last year? The Falcons essentially got two byes and then the Eagles. Steven Jackson will take over for Marshall Faulk and do a good job. The offense will continue to roll, but won’t even come close to approaching “The Greatest Show on Turf” levels. Lenard Little and Bryce Fisher are better than the rest of the defense indicates. And Pisa Tinoisamoa led the team in tackles. I didn’t know Italian paintings hit hard either.

Seattle Seahawks (8-8) – Shaun Alexander is another victim of Running Back marginalization. If you keep telling me that Matt Hasselback is your fantasy quarterback, I will stop being friends with you. (You know who you are. Actually, about 67 people are worried I’m not going to be friends with them anymore, which amazing because I only have like 12 friends.) Nobody is making the same mistake by picking the Seahawks again this year to be a sleeper team. Seattle is NFL purgatory.

Arizona Cardinals (5-11) – Can the NFL keep J.J. Arrington, Larry Fitzgerald, and Anquan Boldin and send the rest of the team to NFL Europe? (How fun would it be to throw those 3 guys on the Redskins and watch them still miss the playoffs?) I mean, Rick Reilly already devoted an entire column to the Cards. Would you show up at a party after getting an acid facial?

San Francisco 49ers (3-13) – R.I.P. Thomas Herroin. Good luck Alex Smith. You’ll need it. Yeah, the Niners pretty much suck.

NFC Chip: Eagles over Falcons
AFC Chip: Colts over Jets

AFC MVP: LaDanian Tomlinson
NFC MVP: Donovan McNabb

Deee-troit FOOTBALL – Colts over Eagles

Snooperbowl: Long Beach 12 year olds over Bears

(Note: I’m sure all of these picks are going to be way off.)

After Jake sent this to me, he asked me what my Super Bowl prediction was. After thinking about it, I went with New England-Minnesota. If you read the Sports Guy, you're familiar with the Peyton Manning Face and the Ewing Theory.

As I said, that was my fifteen second take on it. It can't possibly be any more wrong than that time freshman year where I spent two hours writing up an email with in depth baseball playoff predictions (I'm talking analyzing each matchup, down to the World Series) and end of season awards, only to have my computer die and lose it.

Maybe it was for the best, seeing as how if I remember correctly, every single pick was wrong.

In any event, it should be fun to look back at this in January. Or maybe not.