Letting Go...and relaxing into...The Intelligence of the BODY

I Can Think Of Nothing Better Than...the beat is coming from within

2009-10-19T07:29:00.000-07:00

I can think of no better place for me to be at this moment then to have my fingers pump out the beat that is coming from within...

Somehow I have slowed down to speed up...i know that deep inside me so much is happening...so much is changing for me...and it is becoming bigger, more and more is coming into my awareness that I just want to slow down to speed up...

Take care of my body as I hear the screams from within...information is moving so fast in my head area that I can't even keep up to the speed...I don't have to, I just have to let it go, let it move, let it release, dissolve, and integrate into my whole...

Where do I find my sacred space to open up to the places that make a difference to me? How does this look for me? What beliefs do I still carry that are limiting me? Maybe, it is about believing in what I already have... What values do I not speak up about that matter to me, and may seem somewhat "common sense" to others. Yes, it is none of my business what others think of me - yet where do I not speak up when I need to and it seems like common sense to someone else - a presupposition that may be made and I don't speak my own truth.

Fire is truly burning brightly in me these days...I see that it is the fire that makes a difference to moving forward to a rich in meaning life. It is not about forgiveness and being gentle - oh yeah, I love my life to be wonderfully peaceful most of the time. Yet, it is about this moment where I am experiencing such fire in my body that it will transform me in the nano-second.

This morning I am "tired" yet know that as the day and weeks move forward I will see the genius of my own evolution...I have been brave all my life and know that I no longer need to be brave alone.

So many amazing people are coming into my life...and all I need to do today is breathe!

Letting that Immense Fire to Be Funneled and Released

2009-09-21T06:28:00.000-07:00

I opened up this blog, went upstairs for a tea, and made a toast with slathers of peanut butter smoothed on top...

Now is that not stopping the immensity of this 'fire' that is going through me right now!!!!

An hour ago I was 'disturbed' by work man outside my door. They are paving our crescent today and we have not be informed - no one has been notified in the crescent. The lack of respect I am feeling right now is going through me, and is not flowing with whom I am in the world, and this is only information for me to move, and know more of myself. I am not my past, and it presents itself for me to know the next decloaking...I'm staying right here, right now...

After all, this is "all about me"... sigh!

I went to the middle of my road, and the workman/machine stopped and I asked, "I want to speak to the head supervisor, right here, right now". I stood there in the middle of my road and after time the supervisor came with his worker.

As the supervisor and other man were approaching me, they were making jokes of it all. As they were in front of me, I said right out, "this is very disrespectful and why were we not informed prior?" I breathed....A huge story came out of the supervisor's mouth and he was certain of his own take, and wanting to go into "icebergs interacting". Again I breathed...I was very clear and spoke directly, "this is not about blaming, this is about not informing us beforehand". My back of my sheen's shook while I was speaking up and out, and noticed at times it would stop, and start up again. Thank God I know what I know...as I was clear of what I was wanting to say for myself.

I am going to stay with this as more and more will reveal itself, for me to know more about myself. It is not for me to "explode" and tell him "off" as i would of years ago. No, it is about letting that immense fire to be funnelled through my body and released. I am really going to stay with this all day, not the "make up more stories" yet the immensity of my fire. I do have a client in the afternoon and it will be interesting for me, as she parks her car on the North Service Road and walks in the crescent (on the lawns ) to arrive at my house. It is not about her, yet, about me on how I want to present myself to the world as I am moving out, my "business" is expanding. There is more to pay attention to...

How many times do I speak up like this, because i think to myself, oh well, they have started? How many times do I feel a sense of "not for me" and I have signed the contract? How many times do I accept an invitation and "it doesn't feel right". And how many times do I choose what I want - this is what I want, to go right into this "fire" - not easy, not fun, yet I have a bigger understanding of my self in this moment - that my voice matters, as well, all the voices in this crescent!!! We deserve "respect" by putting out a notice beforehand!!! Simple...And I am speaking up when I believe I am not receiving respect.

I don't live my life "flat-lined" anymore - I live from a place of so much joy and am attracting others in my life that live from that place as well. There are many people in my life, recently, that are manifesting what they want for themselves. I AM manifesting what I want for myself! Hmm, I respect myself...and I will speak up for the group, when it matters to me! This is freeing for me because I have always "waited" myself down because i thought I had to speak up for the group no matter if it meant my own truth or not. This time it is fresh...it matters to me, and I spoke up for the group. I am so clear that it is not about what I think it is about. Speaking up when it matters to me, and speaking up for the group, first and only, because it matters to me. Saying it again...I only speak up for the group when it matters to me. I have always been a person to "stir the pot" and to re-claim that awareness of myself right now is freeing...and how I don't have the gaps I use to experience as now I'm clear, open, and direct and make sense to me, as well to others, respecting myself of the "immense" fire that has always wanted to move through me. Imagine a world that we respect ourselves and respect others for who they are!!!...I am going to continue to let this rumble...

I'll be back,

Trust YourSelf

Embracing the full intensity of 'Irritation'!

2009-08-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

The question that is arising, is, how much more space can I create for myself as I choose to grow?

The momentum I am creating is propelling me into a direction of my choosing, and I know that there is more space for me to be 'fuller'. The last few days I have been experiencing 'irritation'... now in this paradigm shift, from a WEL-Systems (R) context, I know this 'information' is presenting 'itself' for me to know more of who I am 'authentically'; the "real me"!

This is a very familiar feeling in my body and yet, it is not of my past. And maybe, it is from my past? In my world, many things can exist at the same time...what is this 'unknown' 'irritation'?

What does 'irritation' mean to me? What information does it hold for me? Am I willing and able to let this move or do I choose to keep 'it' from not moving?

The dictionary definition is "excite to anger, annoy - easily annoyed" from the pocket oxford dictionary. Okay, next impulse...I am looking up 'annoy' - "cause slight anger or mental distress to."

Some of that is making sense...and very clear to me that this, although not comfortable, is the 'fire energy' that propells me into my emerging future!

Well I am going to go into last evening as I could hardly 'contain' myself. (nice metaphor - 'contain') I was up doing something, then to the kitchen to 'eat' something wanting this to "go away", or to 'numb' this sensation. Again, I lied down, then back up again, spoke to my husband and found that it had no words (huge progression for me, as before I would not share this with my husband), and then, I just allowed 'it' to move, breathing...breathing...deeper breathes. Yes, a sensation of being "pissed off'!

What came up for me is that I didn't want to do what I had planned to do today. I wanted a change in my schedule, as my body needed some 'away from it all' time. Even though I am understanding that I engage, engage, and engage again...I also know that if my body is telling me to Pause, in that moment, and do what is meaningful to me, and then have fun, engaging, engaging, engaging, once again; in this dance 'it' all becomes 'right' for me. I am having so much fun having conversations that lite me up yet know in this moment, and just for this brief time....I DESERVE to have some time that has meaning for me. on my own. To boot, I know that I am no longer the 'lone wolf' and this 'moment' is a time to nourish me - and I choose to do it, alone.

This is kind of funny, yet, not very often in my past, when I would get to this point I would say I was "sick". Well, that created a lot of rules for me because I would have to 'stay' in bed, not go out of the house because someone would see me, and 'prison' myself, only because I DESERVE some time for myself. How crazy is that? Sounds like I was counterproductive! And getting more of what I didn't want!!!

This 'excited irritation' is unfolding in a new way. I wonder if this is something I would 'push down' to not make myself 'big' or visible? Hmm, Which choices do I make that allow me to be 'visible' and 'excited irritation'...to be 'visible' having an 'excited irritation'?

Hmm, as I write that last sentence...there is a knowing that I made a lot of rules, as well, lots of rules came into my world about 'visible' having 'excited irritiation'.

I hear my own inner voice saying to me, "must be cool, calm and collective".

How easy it is for me to "congratulate", "honor" and especially if you are male, to think way more of you, then myself. (I am not looking to ridicule men, this is just an awareness that I held true to myself up to this moment, and no more.) No more because it keeps me small, and it keeps the men in my life small - let alone, other men in the world.

Even last night I was not giving myself permision to 'embrace' all of this energy. I was doing what I have done in the past, to do everything else execpt to allow the full intensity of this information to move.

Trust YourSelf

Do I Speak All My Truth?

2009-06-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

Last night, and today I have a sense of 'agitation'. This is not about it being right, wrong, good or bad that I am experiencing. It is something I am experiencing right now, and for me, to see what intelligent information it holds for me?

These past three months I have spent a lot of time with my own family and extended family on both sides; on my husband's and my own family. It has been nothing short of amazing for me. It has been a "gift" I have given myself, to understand more of who I am. Not always easy.

"Agitation" in my body doesn't feel familiar and yet, it feels very familiar. It doesn't feel familiar because it is something that I know I have shut down for years because I was so culturally conditioned to be "nice". No way, would I ever express what my own truth, knowing that there would be a lot of "agitation" in my outside world. And would I be "nice" to myself, even though I was experiencing "agitation" in my body?

Last night when I came home from a two day trip with my" adult son"...i experienced something of a different perspective...at dinner time so much "agitation" was going through me, before I would silence myself to this "agitation" and the only place it would be able to go is inward...this "agitation" I was experiencing last night, I spoke up and out my truth and said to my husband..."Right now, I am experiencing information that is "extreme" moving in my body". "I don't want to talk right now, as so much is moving". I decided to get up from the table and go on my own. Now, I believed that I was clear, honest, open and direct with what I was letting him know.

Later that evening my son came home and asked me "what was happening with me?" as he talked with his father about what "they" felt was happening.

I am noticing how easy it is for us to "point our fingers" everywhere else, exempt inward to ourselves. No, I am not even interested in pointing my finger inward. What I am interested in, is allowing myself to be clearer of what is happening, in my own "agitation" for myself. Or, paying attention to what is going off in my body or not. Now, what is getting wonderful in my life, is that my body isn't with all that shame and guilt I held before. To add, I am not exempt from me experiencing the "more" as I am a living organic being always going towards growth.

The "agitation" I have going through my body is about me. Is it "okay" in my body, knowing that I am a very curious person and always been the one to stir the pot? Or, have I re-claimed, own that for myself right now, of "agitation" in my body?

Is it safe for me to speak out now, all my truth of how I see my world, (not just most of my truth) and possibly you may see your world with similar lens? And, not to place "worry" on what anyone else may say or do?

From the Webster dictionary:
agitation - disturbance, mental or physical, esp. worry, public disturbance on a large scale or the process of creating it.

I can feel that I make a huge difference to my world and the world around me. Am I willing and able to speak ALL of my truth and not be "agitated" by my outside world? In this past week I have declared, "no more verbal violence in my own home". Am I willing to stay right with this, or will I water down what my truth is - to make it "nice" for everyone?

Somehow, I know I cannot turn back!

Trust Yourself

No More Violence In My Home!

2009-06-05T03:25:00.000-07:00

This early morning is quiet, peaceful, and there is no sign of "awakening"?

Ahh, how I love these mornings that I have not experienced in a long time. As I layed in bed, wide awake this morning, I jumped out of bed to make myself a cup of tea, and then downstairs to blog...

I haven't created this space for myself for a while...how it just feels good and how I know that I want to blog about how much has changed in my life...yes, again in quantum speed, only since April at the Power, Purpose, and Passion, a WEL-Systems (R) retreat when I declared, "no more violence in my home".

I always thought to myself that this secret I kept so tightly to my chest, would be okay for me to "keep to myself" with no outcome...in other words, "Don't say anything and IT will go away".

How exhausting it has been over the years to "wish" it away, each time the verbal abuse would happen - the knowing in my body was felt with much intensity - and then I would soldier on, to get on, with the next moment. Somehow, as I talk to my own clients about the insanity dance...I was choosing to have an insanity dance that was so hidden, with no awareness for me to even come to some understanding that "violence was happening in my own home"!

I just spent a week in Calgary with extended family. What I became curious about is how easy it is for us to blame everyone else, and not to look at ourselves for what can potentially be a paradoxical moment to claiming more of who we are. To finding out more of who we are and becoming. No, not about turning the conversation into a blaming match...to pause, and just create safe space for myself, and other's to look at that moment from new eyes.

The aha's come fast in those moments because the body always knows. We know what we want and desire. Yet...Do we always allow ourselves to speak our own truth? Do we allow other's to speak their own truth? Do we want to "control" other's opinions so that our world can stay the same? Do we truly listen to what other's are saying; only to be thinking of what is coming out of our own mouths? Do we respect ourselves, and then honour the same respect for the other person? No, I don't have to take on their opinion for my own, yet, I do believe respecting and listening to what they have to say matters (both to me and them). After all, I believe, what is coming out of your mouth, is really about your own internal landscape. How amazing that is for me, as I am up for truly "intimate" conversations and no longer even experience that disconnect that I experienced not to long ago. I see in my own life, I am "hungry" for conversations that expand lives - both mine and yours!

Yes, since April my life has expanded into ways that I could never even imagine!

One thing that I welcome, and always was so hidden in me (or was it?)...because I knew my home was not a happy place to come to...and now that has taken a complete turn...my home has a welcome sign now...I have had more guests, friends and family stay or visit in my home since April then I care to count on my hand in the past years.

Tears are coming now...this is such an amazing truth for me. How simple it is just to state my truth in that moment at PPP in April. I gave up the notion of what people will think of me...after all I had gone so far in my own evolution, how could I miss something as huge as, "allowing violence in my own home"?

I welcome you to leave your comments on this blog, if the pull is there for you to speak, I would love to hear from you. This topic alone will make a difference to our world. If everyone chooses to Respect themselves, and then respect each other, we would be able to take life to a higher place, and work on more interesting endevours....and not the insanity dance we keep getting of violence in our own homes that ultimately spreads out into society.

As I breathe deeply on the exhale

Intimacy...Living a Rich and Meaningful Life?

2009-05-14T04:31:00.001-07:00

I feel the pull to blog. So much has happen in this week of coming to the Maritimes. It has been so calm, yet, so propelling, knowing that this is for my own growth. Yes, it is important for me to be aware, paying attention for people to know of how it will be a benefit for them, of what I offer, if they choose to engage with me.

Yes, this is so true...and where am I right now...something this week showed me so much more then I even imagine...

I took one day and drove down to Antigonish. This is where my aunt is. What I do want to say is that she was a very progression women and was strong, independent and loved life. I am only assuming, yet, see a very different women now and she is in a private nursing home. Yes, the environment is exactly what I would of imagine her to be in - looking out her window with green grass and sheep in the distance. I was just in aye of the surroundings and views that she could enjoy.

When I was sitting in her room with her. I asked her, "wow, do you ever just lie here and enjoy your view?"

The answer came back quickly and she replied, "no".

I am just devastated, and yes, that is a big word...I hurt to the core of how big she was in the world and how she has gone...oh yeah, i can see little glimmers of who she was, yet, she is gone.

The intimacy of conversations I had with her are gone. The joy that I shared with her of her being my aunt, and for me, being her niece are gone. The connection I shared with her, of being a Maritimer are gone.

Wow, waves and waves are coming...what is so gone out of my own life? I know that I am going to be okay when she chooses to go on... What is it about my own life that she is reflecting at me?

She never gave up and I am sure as a social worker after the war...there had to be many times that she just motored on with what she believed in her own being. Women at that time were not valued in the workplace and she rose to the top in her field. She never limited herself in the things that she wanted for herself.

At one point in the visit, I am sure she was seeing herself through me, and she didn't give up to look for her lipstick...in her grace, she took the little mirror and, like she always did all her life, put her lipstick on with pride (you know I don't even know the fitting word for how she put her lipstick on)...it brought out so much color to her, and I could see more of who she was in the world.

Yes, I feel "devastated" right now.....tears are flowing...

So, I am going to bring this back to me...do I limit myself? Maybe the bigger question for me, do I live a rich life?

There is something there right now...where do I live a rich life? I am not anywhere in the thinking of "money"....what is coming up for me, is, do I choose to live a "rich" meaningful life?
Do I always choose to do the things that have meaning to me? Do I choose to be around the people that allow me the space of a "rich meaningful life"?

This week was amazing...

I met up with some women this week that truly love who they are, and respect who I am in the world. The joy when I saw them...was only of Respect, Integrity and Generosity of Spirit...

I sit here and pause...i don't know if I have made sense, and that is not the intent of why I am blogging...I blog because it is "rich and meaningful" for me. I have lots to do today, making physical contact - hmm, the intimacy that is so rich and meaningful to me!

Do you live in the moment, a rich and meaningful life?

How easy it is when we make it that way...all i have to do is breathe!

Trust Yourself

How seductive and hidden all this becomes...and wonder, why is my life not working?

2009-05-11T06:39:00.000-07:00

Today I am listening to the whisper. The clinic I am working out of this week, in the maritimes, is closed today. Before in my other life, I would have huge "rules" for myself, that I need to be doing "something" after all, I am here on business.

I stop, pause and breathe...

I have engaged with a few people already this morning...and how nice for me as I live with no rules, I didn't have anything holding me back from contacting people, before I would of spent the whole day "trying" to contact with no success AND as the day progressed, a sense of tiredness would of stopped me from doing what I really want to do. No more, I just breathe, and that brings me into the next moment. Nothing to do, nothing to try harder and faster...next impulse!

I have a sense in my own body, that I no longer have that tiredness that I use to be "con-summed" by. I am much lighter, clearer and solid.

Each conversation were meaningful this morning...so, how many times do we stop ourselves from doing what we really want to do. How many times do we stop ourselves and go down "A" pathway knowing that "B" is in front of us, to where it will be more meaningful and fulfilling.

"A" is a very "seductive" pull that continues to draw us, thinking that this is the answer...only to discover that something is hidden and we continue to get the same old, same old, and expecting DIFFERENT Results to our lives. How seductive and hidden all this becomes, that we believe is our truth...and we find ourselves in "default" once again. And wonder, why is my life not working...and by this age of 40/50/60 gaining more intensity to the craziness in our life, and not saying a word to anyone else outside ourselves. WHEW! What a wait to carry!!!

The cigar is never about the cigar.

One thing I am celebrating right now, I have taken "B" this week...I am not lucky...yet choose to be lucky!

Trust yourself and take a test drive in your own vehicle!

I Stopped...Paused and took a breathe....

2009-05-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

Wow, this is my 100th post. As I look forward to what is happening in my life, I am aware of the "work" i have done to be right here, right now. Yes, "work" and at times it was not easy, and at times it was "effortless-effort".

This morning I had something presented to me, either as a gift, or something I could choose not to pay attention to. My son, and it is never about someone else, (whatever is coming up in my body is what I pay attention to) suggested that "someone else" misplaced his keys. Hmm, I could go into lots of stories, and because he was heading out of the door within seconds, and there may be no one home, when he returned home. I STOPPED...Paused and took a breathe...

I spoke out for myself, "I am no longer going to be blamed". Period. No this is not good, bad, right or wrong...yet, something I need to take back for myself.

What came up for me is that I am not willing to "TAKE ON" other people's stuff, and own it as mine. I am not talking about the "you have good energy, and that person has bad energy". No, I am talking about something very different.

If my body is not firing off, or nothing is showing up for me to pay attention...all is calm within me, then I would say that is a good indication that I don't have to pay attention. Do we as parents/adults have these experiences that we "take on" other people's stuff and own it.

As I am moving in my world, I am realizing I do a huge dis service to myself...because lots of blame and shame come my way when I choose to "take on others stuff"...and that I do a huge dis service to the person I am engaged with, because they don't have space open up to them, an opportunity to grow and own it for themselves, to find out more about themselves...because they think it is my stuff. Oh man, what an insanity dance!!!

Trust yourself next time this is presented to you...as a gift, or, as something you will not choose to pay attention to, or, it is someone else's stuff that you are owning...

It is no wonder that we are physically carry lots of unwanted "weight" to only suggest the tip of the ice berg...

pause... and then just breathe...

I AM TALKING ABOUT MISSING THAT WHISPER

2009-04-10T05:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, my life has propelled to a place that nourishes me and I MUST SAY the first time in my life!!! This is not positioned as good, bad, right or wrong...it is an awareness that is so front and center in me.

I am busy making arrangements to spend a week in Bedford Nova Scotia, May 7th to 15th. I will be working out of an clinic having one-one-one conversations, as well as, a program on the weekend, called "Relax into...a Journey of Discovery".

I am having many people show up in my life from the Maritimes. What a wonderful moment for me to be in, for me to be holding space for myself. I am really doing this exciting adventure on my own, and know that I am not alone...funny how I have never paid attention to...the right people for me, do show up when my "intention" is held.

I just got off the phone to the Maritimes, and a person is interested in seeing me, and not interested in what I have to offer.

In my awareness what comes clear to me is, is this "old familiar feeling of less than". People are always interested in me and that has been all my life. I am curious of that. You know, what is coming up for me is, "I measure my worst to their best"...hmm...no more of that dualist thinking for me, and I am HUGE in this world...and owning it! Yes, owning it for the first time!

I feel this second to embrace and own this moment of "deflate" because this is very "familiar" to me. How I can silence myself because someone is not interested in what I have to offer. Okay, I am clear to go on. Yet, how important for me to PAUSE, take a breathe, own this belief as "real" for myself and then let it go, allowing my next unfolding to fill that new space I have created...

This in and of itself, is something that is so important for me to speak up and out. I have been that "bull in the china shop" all my life. Always, moving quickly into the next unfolding for myself...and, I have not PAUSED to the "minute" to only override the "information" that was there for me to embrace, and own. I am not talking about analyzing or finding some meaningful revelation. I am talking about missing that whisper, that minute of intelligence, that neo-second, that when I do, my life just expands into a world of Bliss!

This phone call has been a wonderful gift. It has given me the joy of looking at it differently. How do I know to do it differently if I am in that "habitual" pattern of passing it by, only to get on to the next exciting unfolding?

The bigger question, of why that has been presented to me, in this moment, is for me to know more about me. How intimate it is, for me, to be able to pay attention to my whispers. I believe in my new world of choice, it doesn't have to be all that struggle that I once played out in my world.

Who I am in the world is just beautiful with all my imperfections. I own it ALL!!!

I welcome the wave that is here...and all I did was stay "curious"...easy and effortless!

Trust Yourself

Do WE Really Listen To What Each Other Is Saying?

2009-03-19T16:12:00.000-07:00

I know that I am very different in how I am moving through my world now 'cause people comment on just that and my life is fun. I just had a conversation with a women and at the end of the conversation she said, "I just want to tell you that by you saying "no" to the group, to not wanting the piece of information that the group was handing out...it gave me space to ponder, how many times in my own life have I said "yes" to a piece of paper, that I really didn't want". After all, if someone took the time to put their perceived "most important points" on paper to hand out, we must see the value for ourselves. GEESH!!! What a "crock" that is!!!

How many times do we say "yes" to something that we clearly don't want. And, the kicker for me right now, how many times do I say "no" and even through a strong "no"...the culturally conditioning of others, believing they are "doing good", I still ended up with, that "damn" piece of paper. It was thrown to me across the table and talked about that I hadn't receive it from the previous session. Do we really listen to what each other is saying? I don't believe life needs to be difficult if we allow ourselves to "receive" as well.

I AM Moving Thru The "GAP"

2009-03-15T11:51:00.000-07:00

I get it!!! Funny how, when I read that, it can mean something totally different than how I am saying that...I don't know if writing is always the "best" way to communicate. Sometimes too much is said, and then not enough being said, out of context...and then lots of presuppositions take place...

Okay, I get why I am "rambling"...here it comes...It doesn't matter what your opinion is of me...what matters for me, is that I take "100% responsibility" for my own life.

What does responsible mean?

To me, it is "taking" for yourself, ALL that is Yours! And I mean, it ALL! So the "stuff" that has been so "hidden" for years, that still drives your bus, and yes, wonder why you go in the direction of west, when you want to go east.

The "stuff" that you are aware of, yet, don't believe it is anything to "pay attention" to. And somehow, all of a sudden, a left curve comes flying in at you from no where. Or we believe...

The "stuff" that isn't yours, and continue to choose to"take on" that "stuff", "own it as yours" and wonder why the "weight" on your shoulders is so heavy. To add, not even realizing, that because we "choose" to "take on" other people's stuff, so I know I am speaking to many right now... that it doesn't allow someone else to step up to the plate of their own life. In other words, if we don't step up to the plate and "own" ALL of our stuff, then I believe, that doesn't allow someone to step up to their own life. In other words, do I "hold" someone back, because I don't own "ALL" of my own "stuff".

I know I have played a big "nurturer" most my life. That is not good, bad, right or wrong. Now I know there is so much more for me as I am having fun with many possibilities unfolding right now in my life...What is coming up for me right now, am I willing to "choose me" with all my imperfections (man, this morning, that ugly "PMS" head reared, right out of the blue, and I haven't experienced that for over a year and half) , to "own" it all. To just "take back" that "stuff" that has found a "lock down" position for over a year and half...although, I believe, all it is is more information for me to "dissolve" "metabolize", and it was only a benefit for me to hang on to this last bit, (OH, THE "GAP" I speak about!) as I move right into the "gap" releasing "it" out of my body right now...this is no longer serving me.

I get it!!! I am moving right through the "GAP" with no intention of STOPPING this...

I love this process of "writing" and swirling, always grounded, with a sense of "curiosity"...

Trust yourself!

Hmm, Looking at Parenting, Differently?

2009-03-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

Today, I wonder what would it be like if all of "us" that deeply love our children...and I believe no one is exempt...and just let our children, adult children "BE"? Or, if our children would speak their truth and allowed to speak their truth, what kind of world would there be? What would that look like? I believe I now live that world!

For me it is never about the solution, only about the bigger question asked...here goes some of my experiences I have had over the course of these past two years...

Allow them to "be" in their "dark moments" and let them wallow in what gift it has to offer them?

I wonder know, is it really "dark moments' or a time of discovery more of oneSelf?

To outwardly give permission, so that they are not shut down, or as a parent we don't shut them done, from that next unfolding, this is another human being and of their own evolution?

To "be" okay in our own bodies, not "trying" to make it 'right' for them?

To "be" silent, not of force, yet "silence" as a safe place, and holding a safe place to listen to what they are saying? And not want we want to hear, nor, assuming they are fine, because they are "fitting" in...they need to be asked to hear their truth. Not saying, good, bad, right, or wrong..yet saying, we don't know what is there truth until we have a conversation with them. And that is always changing and ongoing...after all, we are organic.

To allow, the fire that is coming from their own body to be released in that moment. (No, that is not an invitation for them to tell everyone they wanted to tell off...yet, .for them to close their mouth, and honour the energy that will transform their life?) How many of us in society don't get that? One, for ourselves, and then for our children?

To allow them to say "no" when they mean "no", and honour with not "trying" to change that to what we think best? Or send them to the next person we believe will "help", betraying their own truth?

To allow ourselves to "insert" when we feel the intensity in our own bodies to speak up and out?

And there is more that I don't know, that I don't know...

I know there is a way that is open looped, and not the close loop that is quickly deteriorating us as a society and human race.

Remember, I am the "Queen" of "intrnalizing" eveyone else's stuff and making "it" my own. Geesh!!!

2009-03-09T08:09:00.000-07:00

This is where I like to express "raw" "data" that comes from my inner core of who I am. I just type and whatever comes, comes. I haven't been here lately, off doing other things, and here I am right now, for me, and because you are reading this, notice for yourself, what ever comes up for you.

My whole body is of "sweat" "heat" and "agitation". I seem to be getting "Hit" from a pattern that has been going on for ever. I don't know what that pattern is, and I am willing and able to stay with that "right now". Yes, it is very "hidden"...

All my married life, I identified as my "ONLY" role as being a great mother. Oh, man people told me how wonderful of a job I was doing and I believed I was "one" of those mother's who was doing a wonderful job. And I was at the time, for what I knew at that time. Now, I know something more, to move differently that is expansive for me, life sustaning, life altering...

Fast forward, I moved to Ottawa with my husband. My only child, my son, moved on to Calgary.

My life, as well as my son's life, fell apart, each of us, for different reasons...I honor and respect the journey that has taken me to this point...What I am aware of is that I only "identified" myself as a "mother" and when I arrived in Ottawa from Halifax, and my son was not liking where he was, I internalized to the point it made me "collapse" thinking the the only thing in my life I was doing "right" I failed at... THIS IS SO CLEAR TO ME, this is nothing about my son.

I know now, I am not responsible for anyone else's journey...and that includes my son's. What is exciting to me, is how now I make sense to myself, staying present to my own truth (not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe our truth is) and this allows HUGE space for me...not my old way, of "trying" to figure it all out, or for one person to share their opionion, then I'd take that as my own truth (gospel truth), being okay for awhile, then, being "HIT" again with what I didn't want...NO! NO!

A way that invites "IT ALL" to come into my awareness. To know that I don't have to have my son's answers for him. I don't have to feel"WAITed" down, just because he is going through something profound for himself, in that moment, and because I "internalize" that he is not expressing "happiness", and I interpret as "SADDNESS"... do I really need to judge/analze that at all. After all, we all have moments, each and everyday, isn't that what being human is?

To accept that our children are human beings and they too have ebb and flow...sometimes the "dark" side is not the "dark" side at all...

And sometimes, I know I "annoy" him...yet for me to ask the bigger question, and that is how more clarity comes these days for me. To know, yes he is 21 right now, to let go...allow life to swirl around...be okay in the "I don't know, what I don't know"...to stay grounded is truly a huge awareness for me...not to spin off like a top, crazyingly hitting everything and anything in my physical, emotional and spiritual world, and to be "real" to the present moment, of here and now.

So what is this all about for me...it is the "gaps" I experience and how I Stop myself allowing my body to process that "just a neo-second more", I STOP myself and I don't want to speak up, and tell my truth, it is about staying clear that "internalizing" other people's stuff is not mine, I don't own it, don't have to own it, and staying present to myself that I need to voice just that. That meaning "I don't own it" yet, staying with what is coming up for me, and not to STOP THE GAP...silence myself...NO matter if I believe I "dominate" (ouch, somthing t pay attention to) or think people don't want to hear what I need to say for myself, or whatever other reason I can come up in my "little old head" that STOPS me from speaking up and out of my own truth. Remember, I am the Queen of "internalizing" everyone else's stuff and making "it" my own. Geesh!!!

Trust yourself

Another "Birth": How I Just Keep Getting Stronger!!!

2009-02-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

As I run up and down my stairs in my new home...i run pass a huge pot, carried by a wooden frame with wheels...I pondered today, and stopped...to look at the planter and knew how it has played out many times... how I choose/choosing to live my life, from the time i lived in the maritime to the east end of Ottawa, to now, where I live, in Orleans, Each place I lived/live was a metaphor for how I was living my life, and how in this moment, the roots are so strong, and producing new leaves...

I just happen to have a "green thumb" and it was when I lived in the Maritimes that I bought this plant for $1.50. It must be at least 5 years ago that I bought this plant. I was a teacher in Nova Scotia happily facilitating, on the math assessment team, students at the grade three and nine level.

My plant grew and grew and grew. So big that I finally transplanted to this huge planter. I loved many things in my life then, and I didn't love who I was. Two and half years ago, in the extreme heat of the summer...I wasn't go to let go of this plant. So I ask the movers if they would take the plant. They agreed and said your move will take 8 days, and we can't guarantee anything.

Well, when it was delivered to us, in Ottawa, it was "heat stroke" meaning the leaves were falling off, leaves shriveled up, and not much left - which most people would of thrown the plant away and started all over again. NOT ME!!!

I cut down the plant to allow it to have more energy at is roots. I watered the plant daily for awhile, and yes, I do talk to my plants! Hmm, maybe that helped too! LOL

The plant took awhile, and maybe even a half year, to come back - and again, I enjoyed this beautiful plant with lots of green foliage, for another year and half, until our next move.

Then in the middle of December, 2008, and one of the coldest days of the year,. we moved here to Orleans. The movers told us that they would not move the plant. So we wrapped the plant up, and put it on the back of the truck...I knew that it would be okay, and my husband was doubtful.

It is a huge metaphor for me right now, as I run up and down my stairs...I clipped off the branches at the beginning of January. For me, there was nothing to lose. When i walk in the front door I look up at the next level and see this planter with 6 thick branches sticky out. I have placed this plant in full view of everyone to see, either coming in the front door, coming down the stairs or coming up from downstairs...I am joyful that now, there are many "little" green leaves popping up, on the six branches...imagine, that new growth just happened in 6 wks!

I am pleased to say, that this is another "birth" for me, that is so strong at the roots, that is quickly producing lots of new growth. The metaphor's are abundant for me to catch...and imagine, I was going to throw this away at one point in it's moves. This is all about me, how not to "give up" on myself, I am only getting stronger, I too, am having lots of (little) fast growth happening!!!

I smile each time I pass the plant!!!

Huge sigh!

Trust yourself

How do you RE-Claim the Life You Want to CHOSE?

2009-02-18T11:03:00.000-08:00

Right now, I STOP what I am doing and...

I could easily choose to take a nap right now...and I believe I would just "give into" something that I don't want anymore in my life...right now..I choose to blog...

Life has been moving fast for me these past months...I am welcoming that excitement and something happen yesterday that has "shaken" me...

I heard, a person in my life, his sister died last week at the age of 28, from "lymphoma".

What has "shaken" me is that I am clear, and get clearer, that this is happening far to often, and yes, at alarming younger and younger ages.

I believe many people are looking for something more in their lives, yet, don't know even where to look. Yes, I talk to many that know my own life is different, want to engage with me, and then walk away, only to go back into their lives, that they told me, were not working. I don't have any judgment on that.

Something else for me that I am getting curious about, is, how does anyone know there is something different? In other words, "if you don't know something, how do you find out, if it is not even in your awareness"?

Okay, if you have never even been shown or experienced something different, I am not saying throw the baby out with the bath water, yet, how do you even know there is something out there, that will expand your life, not make it smaller?

That "Something" i talk about, in my experience, has made a huge difference to myself along with thousands of people, to re-claim the life of their choice? A life that they express "Joy" with and of wanting to get up early Monday morning to head back to work! Imagine that, jump out of bed, ready for a week of work!

I am no longer allowing myself to be silent. I am no longer going to NOT speak up about my truth. Yes, knowing that I am not responsible for people's journey, yet my responsibility is to speak up and share with other's about my own journey back to health, and now a FUN life. I am no longer going to be silenced because I was waiting for someone else to go before me. I am no longer going to be "nice" because I don't know anything but... I am no longer going to believe that I don't have something "potent" to share, that changes people's lives, if they choose.

This Sunday I am engaging in another W.O.I. - A Conversation with Marie. These "free" conversations are not a "marketing plan" of how to create business for myself. These conversations are for me, to stay more alive!

For me to nourish my own soul, to stay in the tough conversations and welcoming conversations that always allow me to engage in the "more" of what I am becoming...

I know this is not why I have blogged...and, if this is something you want to engage in, fire me an email at trust-your-self@rogers.com to confirm a seat for this Sunday at the WEL-Systems Institute. Many of you have commented that you do read my blogs and never leave a comment. I would love to hear from you by email.

trust yourself!

"Humor"... "Stinkin' Thinkin'"... "Lighten Up"...

2009-02-13T04:56:00.000-08:00

Humor, do I have some? When don't I have some? Do I even notice that I don't have some? Or do I notice I don't have some and notice that it might be a good thing to have...oh man, I usually ride the wave of my life with humor, and am I right now?

The definition of "humor" is a state of mind, mood, inclination, good will temper, ...hmm, it is also saying "one of 4 fluids of the body (blood, phlegm, choler, melancholy)"

Now the last part of that definition is making some sense in the "intelligence of my body"...that "humor" is a "code" word, meaning, I can't put "humor" in the truck of a car...so it is something that moves through the body...hmm...

Humor can mean many things to me. Humor can mean an exchange between me and another person or people, that at that moment, my body is experiencing lots of flow, and in that moment an expression of "fun" "excitement" "joy" permeates and everyone "breaks out into laughter".

Or, recently an example that I realized I was experiencing "no humor" at the time, a email came, and I realized in that moment how "ridiculous" I was thinking in my own world...yes, I was allowing myself to have that "stinkin' thinkin'" and what someone said in the email, I realized the "humor" for myself, and a huge surge of "humor" filled my body, allowing flow throughout my body, and I sat at the computer and laughed for quite sometime, allowing it to just flow...

Humor in my world is not about "making fun of...in spite of someone" nor is it, "humorous because it is an easy way to bring down a "heated" situation" they were strategies I used in my past to feel "more of myself" because in those days, I didn't know who I was, and so I was external in my thinking...humor, in my world is the experience I have purely and simply the "flowing" through my body because it makes sense in my body to do so...now, I am sure I have lost you...or have I?

Another connection of thought I been having this week is..."lighten up". How do I "lighten up" when I am in a state of flow, and I am going to say, "stinkin' thinkin'" flow?

This is good, because as I write this, this is not always easy for me, when I am in this state...yet what I realize right now, is, one is of the intelligence of the body "lighten up", and the other thought is of the intelligence of the brain, "stinkin' thinkin'".

I am going to go into that "sinkin' thinkin'"....why can I not allow myself to move this "information" in my body? After all, it is just information wanting to move? I have given it a label and put myself into a small box, isolated myself for a few days, and felt alone. There is intelligence in that behavior for me.

Man, I am way beyond that, yet, in this moment, thinking of this differently. Or, have I allowed it to flow, and not relaxing into the full measure of what it has to offer me?

Either way, and including other possiblities A,B,C,X and Y, it is ALL just information wanting to move. Yes, in my world another layer wanting to reveling itself, for me to know more about the real "ME' and not about the culturally conditioned me.

Now, that I have allowed that "sinkin' thinkin'" to move this week, I am much clearer this morning. I don't really know what it is all about....and if I don't, I not going to spend time figuring it out in my head. It just "is" and now I move on.

So today, and all this week, I continued to PAUSE...and then in that moment, choose something that "lighten" me...something that "interest me" to do...and I walked away from some things that were having to be done, as I felt a "heaviness" and then I found myself coming back to them when I was "lighter".

I am finding it interesting that "flow" is in my awareness...I know creating and holding, Space... giving permission for my clients to allow and invite Movement and Flow is very scared to me...and now, it is what I do best, that allows my clients to get results for themselves.

Am I any different at the end of this blog? I don't know? Yet, what I do know is more awareness of when I experience "heavy" and when i am "light"...I wonder if there is a correlation with me, about my body size? It doesn't matter to me what size I have been or am - what I do notice is not the number on the scale yet how I am experiencing "heavy" and how I am experiencing "light"...

I am going to stop there as this is turning into a new blog and I have lots to do today ---checking in with myself...in a much "lighter" ME!!!!

Fire - Am I Okay WITH THE Huge Intensity I HAVE?

2009-02-09T04:53:00.000-08:00

These past months I have been experiencing thirst, hunger, right shoulder pain and back pain. Something last night and this morning has brought awareness...I don't know why, and I don't how, and I don't know what...

I am going to "rumble" (thanks Sandy) because I do believe it comes from the deepest core of me. I know that I stand right here right now, and look out into my future. I am grateful for my past to present to me, swirls around to me in my front, my awareness, and then at choice point, I either metabolize the information for me to know more about mySELF, or I choice not to metabolize information. Life for me is as simple as that.

Now, what I haven't been not paying attention to is this huge thirst I have. Not as much hunger but thirst. I seem to be out and can't wait until I am at the next stop to drink water...Cold water seems to quench the thirst.

Now the big awareness I did get in these past 24 hours is that I am damping my huge fire I have going through my body. No, I not there anymore of not allowing fire to go through me. I am becoming aware that I am choosing not to let this ignite to its fullest potential. Am I scared of the hugeness of it?

Something that is really coming up for me is that, how do I know, if I have never experienced this?

For my shoulder to have lots of pain, and I must say that has been going on for over a month - and on the right side...what is it? what belief/s, value/s, or attitude/s that I am holding onto?, that I am even unaware of...and do I need to know?, and just be okay with allowing these to move right now as I am blogging.

Maybe this is all it is, just be aware of asking myself when I am "thirsty" for that next glass of cold water...ask myself, isn't that interesting... do I want that glass of water, or, do I want something else that I am not paying attention to?

It never is a struggle for me, and only if I make it a struggle!

Trust-your-self!

Owning It All, Beyond The Intelligence of the Brain

2009-02-02T04:39:00.000-08:00

Here I am. Here I am in this beautiful space that I have created. Here I am in this "home" that I am happy and joyful, glancing out each and every window...and in awe of the views I have.

Each window offers me something different, one window looks over the ravine, this morning, I looked down at the footprints in the snow of some welcomed animal. Another view of looking high into the sky and watching the clouds move to all it's glory. I am fascinated by watching the stars, and some evenings knowing they are still there, yet, clouded over. And watching the moon as it changes night after night as I ponder in awe.

This is the sunniest house I have ever lived in streaming gorgeous bright light into every window. Another view of overlooking the crescent, a view that reminds me of the different times I lived and traveled in Great Britain. The rolling hills, the marshland and the Ottawa River that I have a sense that I belong, yet I have lots of space for myself to be "free".

I pause...this is a metaphor for how I choose to live my life! I am excited! My son shared with me he wrote in a card a year ago, "May you continue to chase your dreams, and get er done". I must say now I understand that for me, I am experiencing my dreams, that I have dreamed all my life, and now I am choosing me which I haven't done most of my life, and making a difference in other people's lives.

Wondering in and out of many thoughts...And a view of looking within the crescent I live on, connecting with the people that are around me, knowing that they too are in awe of the place they have chosen to call "home". This is the beginning of relaxing into...a life that I have chosen!!!

I have created all of this, owning this...I have chosen ME!

To be in front of this computer, writing, and feeling the light flash in my body knowing that I have created something wonderful for myself, my husband and for my son to visit and be part of.
How cool is that for me?

How excited I am, and funny how I am letting go of "being okay that I don't have words" for the intensity I am experiencing in my body right now. After all, I was told recently that I am the "Queen" of allowing myself to rumble, allowing the full "wave" in my body to move in the presence of many, and just "letting go" relaxing into the intelligence that my body has to offer me. It is that simple, if we didn't know anything else, and only knew to breathe - and get out of the way of our brain intelligence. Life would be effortless for all of us - and cooler stuff we could engage in!

Yesterday I spent the day arranging my office. I paused for quite a while and looked at...I have never allowed myself to honor and claim the successes that I have joyfully experienced (no, it was not always easy for me, yet, right now, I share with you, what is so meaningful for me to share in this moment...TA DA!!!

I look first at the "success" and the process that allowed me to grow into who I am today, and who I am becoming - the REAL ME and not the Culturally Conditioned me:

As I open up this beautiful blue envelope I witness my own evolution and growth I have experienced these past two years:

The first certificate states that I have completed 120 hours of WEL-Systems study and experience as a WEL-Systems Facilitator, the certificate delivered to me on April 20, 2007.

The second certificate acknowledges that I have completed requirements exceeding 150 hours of WEL-Systems study and experience as a Quantum TLC(TM) Facilitator granted on July 13, 2007.

The third award for me acknowledges that I have completed requirements exceeding 120 hours of WEL-Systems study and experience as a WEL-Systems Master Facilitator granted on July 22, 2007

What comes out of my mouth right now, is that then I got my life back and Let Go...

How I am claiming this for myself, is to frame each of these, and put them up on my wall in this office for me to see. And of course, I can change when it pulls me, to put up on a wall for other's to see. I know I come from a early family system that "education" "awards" "successes" were valued yet we must never ("boost") speak up about successes.

Now, this next sucess I want to speak up and out, and own, is very powerful and potent for me, My CODE Model Coach(TM) "designation". This is a way I live my life. I am ever changing, moment to next moment. At first it was choosing myself, (it has not always been easy), then from there I was willing and able to make a difference in my son's life, and my husband's life, and then made a difference in family member's lives who choose/choosing to find a different way that expands, living fully and meaningful lives to move through and I offer just that to them and many more people who are coming into my life.

Now, my space is extending out to clients that are finding that choosing them self first, means something very different then the notion that they were culturally conditioned to believe. The word "Selfish" usually in my experience, shatters the body, and a nice place to have a conversation. In this past month, a success I am owning is that I have changed and expanded nine people's lives. I make a difference in my own life, and lives of people that come into my life.

This is interesting for me...I have never really owned the space I created for myself to "rumble" in my own growth. Yes, I was one of those late bloomers that wanted and desired to go to university when I was in my late 30's. I loved spending time in the library and just researching other people's opinions. It was blissful to me, and the other stuff that was required of me, sometimes, not so wonderful.

My success in my late 30's and something I am owning for the first time is...I went through a process, met the requirements of both degrees I engaged in, and in my body right now, own it all - the not so happy stuff and the wonderful stuff that I experienced.

I do have an undergraduate degree in Canadian Studies (meaning that I was able to take from any discipline any course, providing that the content was at least 60% Canadian content along with core course that were required to meet the degree's requirement). I was able to study in courses that lite me up, I studied Black African Canadians, Aboriginals, Women Studies, How many culturally groups came to Canada, new Canadians, oh man the list goes on...I loved learning about it all!

Then, I wanted to do my Master's in Education Physiology and was "told" that I needed to do my Bachelor of Education first. (wow, talk about being out of alignment) I persevered for a two year program and at the end of the process received my Bachelor of Education degree. (These past few sentences I have gone out of the intelligence of my body right into the intelligence of the brain). Yuck!!!! And I am getting a "hit" that there was intelligence in my body then, for how my life has transformed into my NOW (oh, boy I am happy with quantum leaps as opposed to incremental changes and relish in that I took a path that has brought me to this body of knowlege).

So I have owned and spoke up and out about my successes. That is how easy my life is now. I don't have to have big drama, nor huge "this pisses me off" moments that i often keep to myself - it is not to say that I can have "annoying" moments still or I press up against something for me to learn more of myself. I just know that the "whole" of all my experiences has lead me to where I am right now. I have created it all!!!

I have this card that I picked up a few weeks back, it reads:

Walk slowly. Don't rush. Each STEP brings you to the best moment of your life, the present moment. Thieh Nhat Hanh

For me, it resonates because it was in the "moment of Pause" that I took to even see a gleamer of something different for myself. Yes, in my world, quantum leaps happen, when I pay attention to the "Don't Rush" and living in the NOW!

Trust yourself

Where does Manifesting happen for ME?

2009-01-20T14:29:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been awhile since I last blogged. Right now, I have this feeling of just "be". My husband is "off" with his new job. My son just phoned last night to say that his application is going to Washington and when his application is passed from there, he will be studying in Finland next year...and I, I am just "being" today...

I am waiting for a call to come through at this moment...and I know it will be engaging...it is meaningful and yet, the silence I am experiencing right now...is "still"...
"BEING", "STILL" - finding that still point, zero point...

I am liking just "hanging" today, just "being" - and believe me, certainly these past few months I have not even had the time to stop...

"Stop" hmm,

Do I allow myself to just have a moment for myself? Better yet, do I allow myself to have a day for myself? Do I allow myself to "fully" have a wave, no matter where I am, or who I am with? Do I allow or even give myself permission to STOP, BE Still?

Today, from my left eye I could hardly see out of...what pressure have or what pressure am I putting on (and it could be about not allowing myself to just "Stop" and just "BE" wallowing in "nothing" today).

I am going to ask myself the question differently...it's okay to "Stop", "Be Still" and find that "Still point" because at those points, manifesting happens...my body already feels "lifted" and that feeling of wanting to "sleep" once again today has also "lifted"...no, it is not bad, good, right, or wrong...I am an advocate of a nap in the middle of the afternoon, especially now that I have amazing sunshine that comes thur my windows!...it is an awareness of allowing myself to "just take" an opportunity for myself to just find a "still point" for myself - and know that too is amazing place to be, because that too, is where "manifesting" happens for me!

Whether it be a 5 min "Stop" or and all day "Still" - I lavish and delight in it all!!!

This is a very different place for me to stand...trust yourself

Thinking about "New Year's Resoultions" Differently

2008-12-30T15:51:00.000-08:00

Here it is December 30th, 2008. I know that I stand in such a strong safe place for and within myself and there is more potential for me to touch in 2009! How exciting for me!!!

This past month has been nothing short of amazing for me. Through all the weather that we have been experiencing I moved from our rented home to our new home, effortlessly. Five days of moving all our little stuff and then on the fifth day we had movers move our big stuff. Yes we were experiencing extremely cold temperatures, ice condition storms, snow, rain; not to mention a bus strike that has been going on for the past 21 days - with that, apparently 20 % more cars are on the road. It made no difference to me that that was going on. And I must say, I was unstoppable, everything was just fine because I said so. Actually to let you know the truth, metaphorically, it was a time of letting go as well as, being excited about my new life - the new life I am choosing and choose to have!!!

Also, my husband and I drove down to the Niagara Peninsula to spend time with my side of the family and to pick up our son. During that time the weather was either slushy conditions or rain and gusty winds. We were just fine. Actually our drive back on the 26th was clear sailing and we got back to Ottawa in record time for us.

I don't say anymore that "I survived" and now have changed my thinking to "my word is law in my world" - meaning, that with intention, I know that I am safe, because I say so.

Tonight I am sitting in my new home. My husband and son are out and I am "claiming" and "owning" what I have created for myself. Wow, recently a new car that has given me unbelievable mobility to my life. A new home where I have a sense of being home.

Actually for the first time, of any homes I have lived in...in this home, every window in my home has a view of nature and awe. This afternoon reading a book on my bed I looked out the window and to my delight saw a hawk or eagle fly high over the tops of the trees. Tonight looking out my living room window I saw the moon in all its glory.

I almost can't stay put as I am so excited to venture on with what is meaningful to me. I don't have to think of any "resolutions" at this time of year anymore, I just will "live" my truth each moment.

I had a conversation today with a brother that is close to me in age and spirit. The conversation came up about "my diabetes" and I said to him, I no longer have "diabetes". He is elated with joy and shared and knows in his own body that this is possible if we choose. What a wonderful place for him to stand right now, even though he doesn't understand how that is possible for me. What he does understand is that we had a sister that died of cancer and for me to be "free" of my "disease" that means the world to him.

I talked about the "different" ways I am choosing to move through my world. For example, I don't struggle with thinking about exercising anymore. Walking my dog daily for an hour has become something that brings lots of joy to me. In fact, I talked about this is a "priority" to me and I do this no matter what goes on in my day. If that means I do it at 6 o'clock in the morning or 8 o'clock at night and usually the best time for me is during the day, I enjoy the time. And this is MY time!!! Very different then feeling obliged to exercise.

This is the first Christmas that I didn't experience "depression". Wow, how can that be ever since I was a teenager I was always depressed at this time of year.

During the time I was on "insulin" I became interested in food that would benefit and nourish my body and most importantly, the food had to be something I enjoy eating. Totally different then counting calories. I don't worry about "extra" calories in a recipe. And no that if I am satisfied eating whatever, then no extra pounds will go on. Pure and simple thinking. I don't even have the thinking anymore of "denial" - if I feel like it, a coke once in awhile, chocolate bars or whatever I fancy, I eat or drink with no attachment of "guilt". In fact, I was telling my brother that if I choose to go and have a sweet at a coffee shop there are no more guilt feelings in the morning. I have freed myself from that thinking.

Now, what I do pay attention to is when I am thirsty or hungry, I ask myself much different questions.

If you would like to experience a "different" way of thinking about "diets", "weight" or "health" and are exhausted of doing the insanity thing - doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results. And in the next few days those New Year's Resolutions are expressed only to make you feel like a failure in the next couple of weeks...Don't hesitate to contact me at trust-your-self@rogers.com

Trust yourself

Lots tp look forward to in 2009 and how I am shaping the world!!! Trust yourself...

2008-12-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

It is early morning, and the last time that I am in this home, as the movers are moving our big "stuff" this morning to our new home. As I was writing the charge with the word "time" is making sense to me. Don't know why, and I now that it has a "truth" for me.

I'm excited about the potential of my new path. There is a sense, when I am quietly by myself working in the new home, that something new is emerging. I don't know what it is, or how it will expand, yet know that as I am living each moment, the next is just as exciting...

I just sit here in awe!!!

What is going through my mind is, I am living a meaningful life from a life that became so punning not too long ago...then the potential of other women that are up for this kind of transformation is so grand and believable...because I know that it is possible to live differently without the anks I use to have that "waited me down"; other women can too have more in their own lives.

I think about the stage I am at with the move from one house to our new home. My brother in law phoned the other night and he joked about...ah winter storm, bus strike, Christmas, could all be "stress" factors yet he said, "you guys are up for it"...

funny how, in all the confusion of what is happening outside of me, I am calm. In fact I am not even aware concerned about the external stuff...Driving in the snow storm, back and forth to the houses, I am completely calm and enjoying the space, music and the beginnings of something new and potent...

I am going to head back to bed with one more thing I want to share...

My husband and I were taking a break at our new home...we were in the front foyer and I decided to put on a Wax Jacket that I bought years ago in England and could never wear. Well, imagine my delight when I zippered up the coat. This is a amazing metaphor for me...

Lots to look forward to in 2009 of how I am shaping the world!!!

trust yourself

An Intention - My Word is Law in my Universe

2008-12-12T06:17:00.000-08:00

I am declaring that the Movers are coming to move us on the 19th of December, 2008. And we have the next two day, the 20th and 21st, December, 2008 to move out of this rented house and move into our new home, effortlessly. Just to make the intention clear and direct. No more "goals" and Yahoo "intentions"!!!

I Know My WORD is LAW in my world!!!

2008-12-12T04:46:00.000-08:00

I know my WORD is LAW in my world. A notion that was presented to me during Sheila Winter-Wallace's last "Decloaking and Living Authentically" program. A program that has propelled me further into who I am capable of being and who I am choosing to be "Authentically" beyond culturally conditioned notions of who I thought I was. I am so excited about the potential I see for myself that this is my next focus and that means, I am stepping up to my own life and announcing that I will be engaging in my own programs of "Decloaking and Living Authentically". Stay tune for when they will be running in the program room at the WEL-Systems Institute in Kanata, Ontario. They will be offered shortly in the new year of 2009!

For myself, I want to sit right here and let myself know of how my "WORD is LAW in my world". As I know, there is never content in content. WOW, I am only talking about the other night and this is how fast I have manifested this incredible meaning and joy for me - then that vibrates out into my world. I had written out an intention during Sheila's program a couple of weeks ago. At that time, things seemed impossible for me to sit around my brother's dinner room table Christmas day with my husband, son and extended family enjoying a meaningful, fun and joyous time together.

Since I have manifested a good reliable car in November to drive, that brought on something different for me. That brought expansion in my world, a sense of wanting/desiring to be with my side of my family for Christmas dinner. What my "problem" or "huddle" was to kennel our dog for the Christmas period. Those times are booked well in advance and the kennel said to me that bookings are usually done by Thanksgiving for Christmas.

So I put out this "huge" intention and wrote it down, read it to a few people that I share huge meaning and joy of life with them.

Fast forward...The other day I was thinking to myself that since I hadn't heard from the kennel, and I did try other kennels in the Ottawa area, that I would stay here in Ottawa. My husband would then drive down to the Niagara Peninsula to pick up my son and then for them to drive back before Christmas. My son wants to work as many hours at the grocery store he is working at to make some much needed money for himself.

I must add, my sister-in-law suggested that she would look for a kennel in the Hamilton area. I replied back, and at the first of the email I said. "great suggestion" and by the time I was finished writing I said, "no". (My word is law in my world)

Well, that night I got a phone call from the owner of the Kennel. He said he had space in the kennel for Rugby. I proclaimed to him that this was an amazing gift for me to receive and that it allows me to be with my family for Christmas day dinner. Now, I do want to let you know that I am experiencing this time of the year differently. The last two years I have chosen to "just be away" because I no longer could do the same old habitual beat me up, feel depressed, take a deep breathe the 1st of December and the next breathe on Jan 2nd...I am totally re creating my own experience, a whole new way, on how i want/desire to CELEBRATE, for it to be meaningful to me! How cool is that?

Two years ago it was useful for me to completely disengage with my family. I no longer could even entertain that pattern. I choice to create a new reality. How do I make it meaningful, joyous, fun for me. I am so looking forward to the "meaningful" time with whoever shows up on the 25th of December, 2008!!!

Okay, now I have this move and many things to do before it all happens, to spend time where I want to. You know what, it was like dominoes, ever thing else unfolded quickly and exactly how I intended it to. My builder has us moving in on the 18th of December and this move will be effortless, the lawyer is ready for us on the 18th and that is effortless, the movers will be coming in at 8:30 to move our big stuff and that is effortless, we will have those next two days to move our small stuff and china and that is effortless and meaningful to say goodbye to our neighbours. The house inspection of this rented home is on Monday, 22, morning at 10:00, effortless. Rugby will be in the kennel from the 18th to the 27th. Yahoo, he gets to "play" with his "friends" during "playtime" - a place that he "good tired" himself out. Our drive down on the 23rd on December, 2008, to the Niagara Peninsula is glorious sunny day with no snow or freezing rain and is a safe trip for my husband and I. In the Niagara Peninsula, my husband, son and myself will see people that we find meaning for ourselves and each of us will experience so much fun and joy for ourselves.
The drive back on the 26th of December 2008 is a glorious sunny day with no snow or freezing rain. A trip that we will all enjoy safely. (My word is law in my world)

Last night I went to Cotton Ginny's to buy some much needed pants. I have lost 5 lbs in the last two days. How did that happen? LOL What was amazing to me and almost unbelievable to me, is how I allowed and gave permission to myself for a sales person to help me find my "right" size in pants You know sometimes my mind can tell me one thing, and my body intelligence always tells me the truth. So, the long and short of what happened last night was nothing short of a miracle. I am now wearing size 15 jeans!!!! This summer I bought size 18...
Funny how, if that women did not help me find the right size of pants for me, I would of walked out of that store, which I had this fall and been "stuck" wearing my same 'Baggey" jeans.
I do stand tall on my own, yet, I don't have to do this alone!!!

So I am going to get ready as I am heading for a pedicure this morning. Yahoo, I am wearing size 15 jeans!!

Trust yourself ...keep breathing on the exhale

Do I Give MySElf Permission to "CELEBRATE" for mySElf?

2008-12-07T15:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had an experience that indicated to me that I no longer can "hold back" what I will share with my world. I have way too much to share that has made a difference to my own life ...I had a conversation with a man that tends to be "sure" of himself yet as we proceeded his "assertive" tone in his voice became more "calm", "quiet", and listening to every word that I had to say. I was just talking and he was opening to new thought. The new thought was welcoming to him and he no longer wants to "do" what well meaning people offer him...you know, doing that insanity thing...to do the same things over and over again, and expecting different results.

It was a telephone conversation, and it was powerful to me. Powerful because I don't have to do anything yet talk and "be" the "real" me. He was so ready to hear something different because what he has endlessly try ed to do to change his life, isn't working. He is actually finding himself climbing that mountain harder and faster. I don't believe that he is the only one out there experiencing this. I believe many are out there and just don't know how to move in their world differently. I believe I have that to offer - a different way that is welcoming!!!

Sometimes I wonder if we "claim" the small things of our everyday life...what I mean by this is do I "claim" a celebration of achievement. Oh yes, I am quick to "celebrate" someone else's achievement, and do I become aware for myself to "celebrate" for myself?

The other morning I was wrapping my mother-in-law's Christmas gift. I really had a hard time with taping, having the gift box wrapped attractively with the Christmas paper, thinking to myself...when the gift is being opened does it "look" like it was meaningful to give and not wrapped just to wrap...right now my eyes are becoming irritated...

I must say that I am wondering, and this is only another layer presenting itself to me...how much do I "celebrate" for myself. This is not about judgment...nor is it positioned as good, bad, right or wrong...I wonder in the moment...right in the here and now, do I give myself permission to celebrate for mySelf?

Do I celebrate for mySelf? Now the questions I am going to be curious for mySelf over the next couple of weeks are.. what choices do I make for mySelf that take me away from my own celebration or towards a celebration for mySelf? Do I keep the dreams I have in my head and never act on them? Do I dare what I believe is "outrageous" and share with other people my hopes and dreams of what I want to do, do? Do I dare be bold and do it JUST FOR ME and invite who I want to invite and know it will be wonderful for me, and whoever comes, comes? What choices will I make that will expand my world or choices that I will make that will keep me in that "insanity" spiral? How important is it for me to "celebrate" what I want/need/desire to celebrate? In other words, do I step up and declare what I want/desire to celebrate for mySElf? Do I allow outside stuff to stop me from "celebrating" and owning what is important to me? My birthday is two days after Christmas. What I am aware of right now is how my mother noticed this to be something she needed to honor - and in my teens I always "celebrated" my bd on the half year. Somehow I "painfully" and something I choose that I made/make, and avoid anything that my husband and son do for me to "celebrate" my birthday. Wow, that is the truth, and something that is hard for me to admit. I am getting better of "receiving" from them yet it is something I am "challenged" of giving myself permission to "celebrate" for mySElf.

I have a lot to celebrate for mySelf. I have just received my CODE Model certification that has incredible meaning for me. How many people do I "celebrate" this with (lavish in the joy) and how many times to I just keep this to mySElf. So what is coming up for me is "am I claiming that this is an amazing journey that I have taken, and do I "own" it?
I just bought a new car. Am I "claiming" or "owning" this at a much higher level. This is expanding my world to move "freely" and with more "mobility"...am I speaking up and out...funny how, anytime someone has something that is exciting to share, it is always exciting for me, for them to share...hmm, I am curious why I don't "just take" a moment of sharing?

My new house is ready next week on the 18th...it is exciting for me...how much have I "just take" and share with people how meaningful and exciting it is for me!!!!

Lots of "new" is happening in my life right now...it is "YaHoo" to me and do I dare to share my excitment? and do I dare to "celebrate" for mySelf and with other's that I choice to share with? Which choice/s to "just take" and "Claim" this excitment for mySElf and to share with other's of my choice, to 'celebrate' what is important/meningful to me? .. hmm, do I stay stuck and not "Claim" this celebration/s for mySelf?

Breathing, and just paying attention to my breathe right now is good...

Trust yourSelf...

Wow More Awareness...even how "outrageous" my thinking seemed, I stayed with the intensity of my body response..

2008-12-05T11:32:00.000-08:00

This week has been "interesting". Oh yeah huge "chaos" in my world, and that is fine, and this week, I have been choosing each moment a wee bit different again. I could choose to "agree to disagree" and "control" my environment which typically meant for me to "lock down" what needed to be metabolized (just as you metabolize an apple, so too, we metabolize this information moving/or choose stopping the movement, or choose to go into the moment to see what "intelligence" there is for me to discover more of mySelf...

Oh man this is too funny for me...I always believed that when I was "right", I was "right" and that was "it". And nor am I saying to go mushy and collapse on myself/yourself. I am saying that I don't have to even live in the world of being "right" or "wrong" or "good" or "bad" anymore. I just live in this moment. I just pay attention to, is my body giving me an indication/signal/response that wants to process information or is "nothing" moving (I believe each moment information is in flow and we do choose to resist) and in the "nothingness" those are times I am "calm", "connected to Self", "just loving who I am". And too, the times of chaos, or revved up moments are meaningful to me as well, because that is when I have experienced transformation at quantum leaps. Those too, as I am writing are times I am connected to Self. These days, not judging my "imperfections" or chaining myself to the "idiosyncrasies" I have. Knowing that that is part of me too. Sometimes when I move away from an experience of "outrageous" or what I conceive or even am labelling "outrageous" it brings me into a new understanding of myself.

Two weeks ago I had a huge response in the body and my intelligent was saying, "how outrageous". I didn't know what it was all about yet I stayed with my body response. I even said to my husband that my behavior was outrageous to me, what was coming out of my mouth saying it to another person. As time past, it was meaningful for me to know that "even though it was outrageous what I was saying" I was not giving myself away, nor being loyal in spite of myself, yet staying with the truth in my own body - even though I didn't know what that was at the time...if I succumb to the offer, and it was a "being a nice girl" because they wanted to "save" for themselves. I wasn't gaining anything other then "chaos" and "I must be out of this rented home by this date"...what it would of meant is for me to live on some one's else schedule - as we move out of this rented house into our new house. WOW! That is truly profound for me. To not ebb and flow to my own matters yet to chop off one more part of me to accommodate someone else's wishes/desires.

And this is the hardest part for me to admit. My husband and I had many conversations that we need "space" to go to the lawyer's one day, to have the mover's come to move the big pieces of furniture another day, and for us to move the smaller stuff on 'slow time'. And why did I ever even create the opportunity for someone else to believe that they can come into my "space" for their benefit. Man, we have so much to do for our own move and accomodating someone else's wants.

My body is screaming right now...STOP! For me to stop allowing other's to take away what I just want to take for myself!!!!

I don't know if I am making any sense right now, and know that that last sentence is making sooo much sense to me in my body...

I do believe that being "nice" is far more wired into my body from culturally conditioning then I ever believe it was. And "it" even though how outrageous it seemed for me to behave like that, I was choosing for "it" to not run that same 'strategy" or "program" another time. No more, that strange is DONE.

Don't get me wrong, I am a very nice person, that is not what I am talking about. What I am talking about is being "nice" inspite of myself, being okay with "overextending of myself" because I am "nice"...being "nice" to accommodate someone else's schedule...

Wow, I am unsettled right now...and I am going to let this one "rumble" around in me, and see where it goes...

I am hearing echos of, "get your own buffet, and stop feeding off of mine!!!"

trust-your-self