tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11422779.post-1127416451537181392005-09-22T15:07:00.000-04:002005-09-22T15:14:11.603-04:00Before moving on to the subject of gratitude, here’s a final post on forgiveness. It’s based on two comments that were made to the “forgiveness” section of the “Changes” link at the right. Looking at the two comments together, they make a distinction worth considering.<br /><br /><strong>Clean Breaks vs. Entanglements</strong><br /><br />First, here’s an excerpt from Sirbarrett’s comment. His blog is called, Writings of Faith, http://sirbarrett.blogspot.com/.<br /><br />“They told me they had forgiven me, but our relationship is ruined. Can forgiveness sometimes be incomplete? I have lost them. I wonder if the problem isn't so much the need for forgiveness, as remembering what it is that we need forgiveness for and changing that.”<br /><br />Anonymous says, in part (btw, A has no blog, but way to go, A – good to have non-bloggers commenting to blogs too!): “…I live my life and let other people live theirs, and as long as they're not messing with me, I don't care what they do. If they mess with me, I'll let them know right up front and tell them to stop. If they don't stop, I walk and make sure they can't get near me again. It's protecting yourself. You have to protect yourself.”<br /><br />Anonymous’ “live and let live” outlook, in the sense of completely breaking off contact with those who harm us, amounts to, “forget and move on" rather than “forgive.” I think this works well under two conditions:<br /><br />1. If the harm done was not great and lasting, making it relatively easy to move on, since the anger isn't likely to linger over time to trouble us.<br /><br />2. If we are willing and able to walk away from the person who wronged us.<br /><br />Sirbarrett, however, points to another kind of situation, in which, after the wrongdoing occurs, we are either unwilling or unable to completely exclude the other person from our lives. This is often the case with family members. If a substantial wrong is committed, the relationship can be greatly altered for the worse – “ruined,” as Sirbarrett mentions.<br /><br /><strong>Forgiveness and Salvaging Relationships</strong><br /><br />To me, Sirbarrett’s comment points to the fact that in this kind of situation, forgiveness may at best be part of the resolution, if resolution can occur at all. It is the deteriorated pattern of feeling, communication, and behavior that needs to change. Forgiveness could conceivably be an early step in making such changes; yet it may be that the act requiring forgiveness itself arose from out of an interpersonal pattern that was faulty in certain respects to begin with…Paulnoreply@blogger.com