Kat Sarracco

The Oxford Ale House

2009-10-23T01:00:00.007-04:00

It was a strange feeling of retro deja-vu. I definitely knew I had been there before.

I was sitting at a table, eating a turkey sandwich in a place called "Gourmet Heaven". But in my mind, it was still the Oxford Ale House in 1976, and I was sitting in a spot that was formerly the left side of the stage.

As I peeked over towards the entrance, I saw a glimpse of my past. I thought back to around 1985. That was the last time I had set foot in the place - because in 1985, it was cleaned up and presented as a wine and fern bar. In between, during the punk years, it was called the Great American Music Hall. And yes, the draft beers were about 75 cents. The beer was a chaser to the really awful tequila that we would drink - because we really didn't know what good tequila tasted like.

We were all so young.

It was 1976.... and I loved 3 bands from the area. The Fabulous Rhinestones, fronted by Kal David on guitar with Bob Leinbach on B3. Swan with Bobby Torello on vocals and playing a single LP Conga. The Scratch Band with Christine Ohlman on vocals and GE Smith on Guitar.... plus Mickey Curry on drums and Paul Ossola on bass. They all went on to fame and fortune, and it is my karma to still run into some of them from time to time - which makes me smile.

But my mind and memory flashed back.... and I could remember the first time I walked into the place. Bobby T was singing Marvin Gaye's "Mercy Mercy Me" and it hit me the way a great song did. Yeah, I had been in my high school bands, and I even remember the old school dances... like the one where the Soul Reaction played a cover of Santana's "Oye Como Va". But the crispness and the soul in Bobby T's voice hit me and I returned to the Oxford Ale House over and over, because I couldn't get enough of the music and I was already drifting away from that opera career that I had trained for.

Toad's Place had opened, with the competing Arcadia Ballroom just about a half mile away. Arcadia eventually became the Agora and I would go there to see the Scratch Band every chance I had.... and still have 2 of their vinyl albums to this very day. Christine's voice was like no one I had ever heard.... and the only other singer who ever moved me like that was Lydia Pense from Cold Blood. There was such soul and drama and woman power that came out of them, from somewhere deep inside.

Toad's has survived the years, but isn't quite the same as in its height. It hit that in 1989 when the Stones used it as impromptu place to kick off their Steel Wheels Tour.

By 1979 ... it was the punk music scene and things were evolving. I look back, and realize that it's like a movie - the clothes, the hair, the musical sound track. But my day was really everyone else's night, and I was this musician girl with spiked eggplant purple hair and skin tight jeans and I had evolved myself from the classic 70's hippie-chick look. There were the punk rockers at Ron's Place and the R&B crowd over at the Foundry. I would stop in at HL Wilfred's to hear a band called "The Dogs" and I listened to the Simms Brothers, who went on to fame backing up David Bowie on the Serious Moonlight tour.

I started noticing the really scary drugs by then, openly consumed in the bathrooms without doors on the stalls and at parties. Even after I moved "uptown" to play diluted dance music for Flash Dance wannabes, I would grimly watch what revolved around me in that night time world. When I watched Johnny Depp in "Blow", I nodded to myself - because it accurately captured the feeling of the late 70's and the early 80's.

I had crossed Whitney Avenue over to Audubon Street and I was hanging out in the Foundry Cafe. The music had changed by 1985, and there was big hair for hair bands and then there was R&B. Today we refer to both of these music types as "classic".

Those were the days when singers had more than a 5 note range and a beat behind them and when dancing wasn't so incredibly syncopated and choreographed that the dancing trumped the music and the vocals. Those were the days when every great band had a horn section and percussion, and music was not homogenized by over-production. It was alive and made you feel good to listen, to be a part of it.

Michael Bolton returns to New Haven often, but we knew him back then as Michael Bolotin. He was a gigging musician, just like the rest of us.... and he was so driven towards success. Back in those days, he wasn't singing soul oldies or crooning love ballads - he was a metal rocker, with a band that easily hit 120 decibels.

He was on that crazy Clash of the Choirs reality show, and I even thought about auditioning for a entire minute, just for old times. He was interviewed during the auditions...

"When the Advocate asked how he felt to be back at Toad’s Place, where the local Clash of the Choirs auditions were held and where Bolton performed with various hard rock outfits in the 1970s and ’80s, his memories of the place sounded like something out of a Dickens novel. “Doing a show there meant food on the table. I had three young daughters. We depended on playing at Toad’s, the Oxford Ale House and the American Music Hall. If it snowed, as it does in New England, there was no gig.” A cancellation, Bolton said, could make the difference between a proper dinner and a can of vegetables.."

Well he was right. We all could have starved. But things were simpler back then, too.

But today - I thought about what Gourmet Heaven once was.... and I could hear Kal David in the soundtrack of my mind, singing "What a Wonderful Thing We Have".

Angels Among Us

2009-08-08T18:46:00.002-04:00

I was reflecting upon the loss that a friend has just suffered. His daughter passed away and it just seems senseless, she was only 23 ... with her whole life ahead of her. Here one moment and gone in a flash, as if Heaven called her home.

It is my second brush with tragic loss this summer. A work colleague passed away very suddenly - many of us regretted not accepting his invitation to the weekly Thursday after work gathering. We were... too busy or preoccupied with other things.

Just a week ago, I was leaving the local mall with my shopping bag of stuff. A sad looking lady stood at the entrance, with a sign... asking for donations. Everyone walked past her and I could see the shame in her eyes and the large scar peeking out from the neckline of her shirt.

Her sign read: "Please help, 2 heart surgeries and no more disability insurance."

I went back and dropped some money into her cup...and asked how this happened to her. She replied that she had worked all of her life, but the first surgery restricted her ability to work. Things got worse after the second surgery and she was waiting for the next welfare check. But there was no money for food and she was worried about her 7 year old grandson.

I wished her well and left, but as I drove away, I thought about that emergency $20 in my glove compartment. I went back and she was gone, the mall security had made her leave.

So today, I was thinking of the Angels who have helped me when I needed it the most, even things that seem trivial like giving me a ride to work or helping with a task. I thought about the cheery and silly jokes that my work colleague would tell me... trying to relieve my stress over something that happened at work.

We know there are Angels Among Us. It's time to start showing love and help others, as much as we can.

This is on my website... please remember that none of us knows when our hourglass runs out. Be happy for today and the people in your life.

There is no better time than right NOW to be happy.... Live in the moment, smile and laugh as much as you can. Somewhere along the way, I learned that there is no guide to finding happiness. Because happiness is the way.

Treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time... and remember that time waits for no one...

So stop waiting for whatever it is that you are waiting to happen.

... until Friday night, until Sunday morning... until you get married, until you get divorced... until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds... until you start work, until you retire... until you have kids, until your kids leave the house... until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off... until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter... until the first or fifteenth... until you die, until you are born again... until your song comes on...

There is no better time than right NOW to be happy...

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

The Koi Fish Connection

2009-07-19T21:10:00.003-04:00

July 20, 2009 will mark the 4th year since Mom passed away. We weren't there by her side, even at the end she found the strength to wait until we had left Hospice for the night. I felt her passing, at 8:20 PM that evening. I was listening to a song, and remembering her and I felt her as she passed. I was singing the words.." Have a little peace, peace of mind Mama...." and I knew the end had come.

I remember the emergency room on July 13th that year. How the staff referred to her as the cute little elderly lady. Well she was cute , but the compliment was not one that she wanted. In retrospect, I should have asked the funeral director if I could have restyled her hair - it was combed in a way that Mom would never have liked.

We thought she was going to go home that night, and went to the house to clean and freshen her room. When we returned to the hospital, the CAT scan results had been analyzed and she was admitted. We had no idea what was going on - no one would explain anything to us. Finally, the discharge nurse explained that they were trying to arrange for Mom to go to Hospice. I asked the question and was told that it was stage 4 cancer. None of the doctors had the compassion or decency to tell us. They went about their rounds as if they were caring for Mom, but they really weren't.

Hospice was different. Everyone was so sensitive and compassionate - Mom was gently bathed and her hair was combed with great care. The care givers held her hand and soothed her. The medication was strong and she slept thru it all.

A lot has happened in the past 4 years, and I often find myself asking Mom for guidance. I have started to understand her better as I find myself confronted by the things which she faced at my age.

I never understood why she just gave up on so many things .... but I realize now that she never gave up. She just came to the conclusion that there was no sense in fighting the inevitable - that things were the way the were, regardless of how good she was or how hard she tried to do the right thing. As she aged and her beauty became a memory, people just stopped listening to her.

I am going to get a koi fish tattoo, another memorial for Mom.

In Japan, the koi climb the waterfall bravely, and if they are caught, they face their death on the cutting board bravely, like samurai warrior facing a sword. Because of its innate capacity to survive any types of living conditions, it has become a symbol of strength and determination to overcome obstacles. With its perseverance in adversity and strength of purpose, it stands for the courage and ability to attain high goals.

I think she wanted great things for me and as I continue to heal and restore my health, I have to reflect on the courage that I didn't realize that I had. My Mother had taught me the meaning of honor, dedication, loyalty and courage - I had strength and resilience that I didn't know that I had.

Do I have the ability to change my path? Was that my Mother's lesson for me? I have learned my lessons so well these past 10 years, and how I let myself be taken advantage of - and the rage which resulted. But I also have learned lessons about people who love me and cherish me as their friend. Misfortune has a way of separating true friends from fair weather friends and frienemies.

I am blessed. In my own journey, I have realized that even though someone didn’t love me enough, there are so many people who do. The people who didn’t stand by me – well, I probably didn’t need them in my life. The Universe, Karma – everything has a way of revealing itself… if we have the courage to look and understand.

The Last Day

2009-06-30T03:00:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about Michael Jackson's last day.

From all reports, he did what he loved - performing and getting involved with all aspects for his upcoming tour. His children and friends watched him... and it's hard to avoid the 24 hour a day media blitz about every detail.

My niece doesn't understand his relevance, and wonders when MTV will get back to broadcasting her regular shows. That floored me. Michael Jackson, winner of the MTV Video Vanguard Award is the man who gave relevance to MTV with 1983's "Thriller". Michael Jackson, the man who organized "USA for Africa" and called in favors after 9/11 to organize the "United We Stand" concert in RFK stadium. How many people remember that Michael was in Madison Square Garden on September 10, 2001? In the late 90's he had done fund raisers for refugees in Kosovo and Nelson Mandela. He gave whenever he was called.

I've been listening to his discography and sadly realized that his music has always been there in the soundtrack of my life. I was startled to hear over and over the words "dead at age 50". I think I had him frozen in time... in the mid 80's.

Michael Jackson was 2 years younger than me and as a kid, I identified with him. Not only was he "cute", but he could sing and dance. I didn't realize for a very long time that he had an adult voice in a child's body - he sang with the attitude of someone much older.

As he grew older, he seemed to be a child, caught in an adult body. The world was pretty cruel to Michael Jackson after his record sales dropped to 2 million units. The tabloids were all over him - and no detail was spared. From his marriages to his plastic surgeries to the messy rumors about his court trial - we saw it all splashed across the pages.

Part of the initial tabloid coverage was a sign of the times. To keep his name in the press, a photo of him in the hyperbaric chamber was released without commentary. The way it was worked, was that a statement was released and debated, effectively keeping his name on the front cover.

Until it went wrong and he was accused of child abuse. He was already taking pain killers for joint inflammation due to Lupus and added anti-anxiety drugs to deal with the stress.

I think he married Lisa Marie Presley because they actually had something in common, and it seems so cynical to think it was a sham to prop up his image. What they shared was his dependence on her as he drifted off more and more into the painkillers. She tried to save him, as her Mother tried had tried to save Elvis.

He paid off a family - to try and spare himself the ordeal of a trial. It just made the public more suspicious and he became reclusive. Then the second accusation surfaced and he spent millions trying to clear his name... he was acquitted because the accusations were disjointed.

I think it hurt him a lot - he gave us so much musical genius and the public turned on him. I read that he once remarked that he preferred the company of children because they were innocent. Maybe he was happier these past days because his own children were growing up and he was surrounded by the innocence that he wanted.

I am sad for the loss of Michael Jackson. The world has so many problems and yet... I am reflecting on what his loss means to my life. It is a reminder that none of us knows when the hourglass runs out of sand. And it's such a tragedy to lose him.

Here's my favorite video... "Rock With You". After disco, there was punk and music diverged from R&B and Rock. He got us dancing again.

Summer Breeze

2009-06-08T01:11:00.010-04:00

Summer is almost here, you can feel it in the air and when the sun shines on your face.

I planted my garden today and afterwards, I sat among the flowers and listened to the trickle of water in the little fountain. The memories came back, clear and strong.

I could see my Mom, from summers past as she worked in her garden. I had the opportunity to drive past the house a few weeks ago, and it was a strange feeling to see the light on in what used to be my room. After I was out of the house, it became my Mother's room and I could remember that final year. I gave her the pink sneakers that she wanted but never wore. My Brother wanted a purple rose mixed into the white flowers for the funeral. That day, a single gladiola bloomed in her garden. It was purple.

As I watered the impatiens and arranged the new flower boxes, my mind wandered to the terraces of Montreal and the park across the street from the flat where we lived. All the terraces were beautiful and covered in hanging vines and flowers. There was the night in July with crashing thunder and lightening which glowed bluish white. A bolt went sideways across the sky and struck the large tree in front of our eyes. The same park where we parted ways on windy and gray October day more than a year later.

It's ironic how a warm June day can make you think of summers past.

I can remember high school and graduation... how I thought I would stay young forever. How I thought my friends would stay forever, too.

My thoughts returned to the summer before last, a summer that seems much like a dream now. I think of him often, especially at this time of year. There are good memories and slowly those are the ones that I hold onto. Letting go of the bad memories has been hard because the wounds were so deep. It was tough putting the shattered pieces back together.

This past week, he's been on my mind. There has been much sad news coming out of Brazil, with the Air France crash and another headline which parallels his life. It is about a father who is trying to bring his young son back to the US from Brazil. The Brazilian courts are blocking the return, and the father is heartbroken.

The sun was beginning to set and I could smell the scent of the flowers I had planted. I remembered the golden light on a late summer day, only 2 summers ago. We sat in his favorite spot overlooking the pond and watched the sun drop like a red fireball into the horizon. It was peaceful and sweet, like the flowers.

He told me that of everyone he knew, he was sure that I would always be there for him - to forgive him and not forget him. When I look back, I realize that I took his words in that moment and not as an apology for what was to come.

I didn't plant a garden last year. It was the summer that passed me by, like so many things that passed me by last year. I have learned that a healed heart does not mean that I have found love again, but instead, that I have the strength to move on with my life. I have forgiven myself in the process and that's where I found the strength.

Bone Marrow Donors Needed

2009-05-27T22:25:00.009-04:00

A truly heartbreaking story. I was motivated to be tested for a potential match to be a bone marrow donor.

The fellow is a young guy by the name of Nick Glasgow. He is 75% Caucasian and 25% Japanese. As a result of his ethnicity, there is practically less than a 1% chance of a match in the National Bone Marrow Registry.

Nick works for the same technology company that I work for. I'm here in Connecticut and he's in California. I have never met him... but I was so moved by his situation.

The company has rallied around this cause, and at our big conference in Orlando last week, there was an opportunity to be tested. It's a simple cheek swab - the form takes longer to fill out than the test.

I know organ donation is a personal choice, as is being a blood donor. If you have already given blood or marked your license as being a potential organ donor, please consider being tested for bone marrow donation.

One of my closest friends had non-Hodgkins lymphoma. She had chemo, radiation - even vaccine therapy. A bone marrow transplant saved her life.

I've included a piece of the article below. When you click the link,there are photos of Nick and his Mom... I was so reminded of my own family and background. I was reminded of the fact that inter-racial marriage bans were not struck down by the Supreme Court until 1967, years after I was born. I thought about my birth certificate and the statistical data that the US military hospital typed on it - about my Mother, and about my Parents and their marriage.

If you can do it, please volunteer to be a donor. I hope one can be found soon.

The ethnic mix of America is changing.

You can read about Nick and the need for potential matches here.

Mixed-race patients struggle to find marrow donors

By JULIANA BARBASSA

HAYWARD, Calif. (AP) — If Nick Glasgow were white, he would have a nearly 90 percent chance of finding a matching bone marrow donor who could cure his leukemia.

But because the 28-year-old bodybuilder is one-quarter Japanese, his doctor warned him the outlook was grim. Glasgow's background would make it almost impossible to find a match, which usually comes from a patient's own ethnic group.

The doctor "didn't say it was slim-to-none. He didn't say it would be hard. He said 'zero chance,'" Glasgow's mother, Carole Wiegand, recalled with tears in her eyes. "When Nick heard that, it sent him plummeting."

At a time when the number of multiracial Americans is rising, only a tiny fraction of donors on the national bone-marrow registry are of mixed race. The National Marrow Donor Program is trying to change that by seeking more diverse donors for patients suffering from leukemia, lymphoma and other blood diseases.

"The truth is, when people of different backgrounds marry and produce offspring, it creates more types that are harder to match," said Michelle Setterholm, the program's director of scientific services. "The probability just gets lower when you have people of mixed ancestral DNA."

The number of people who identify themselves as multiracial in the United States has grown from 3.9 million in 2000, the first year the census included the category, to 5.2 million in 2008. Mixed-race people account for 1.6 percent of the U.S. population.

The donor program has been pushing for years to recruit more racial minorities and mixed-race donors. So far, multiracial volunteers make up just 3 percent of the 7 million people on the registry.

That is higher than the percentage of mixed-race people in the U.S. But there are so many possible racial and ethnic combinations that finding a match can still be extremely difficult.

The reason that mixed-heritage patients are so hard to match can be found in the immune system.

Populations in different parts of the world developed certain proteins, or markers, that are part of the body's natural defenses. These markers help the immune system determine which cells are foreign and should be rejected.

A match between two people who share many markers will reduce the risk of the donor and recipient cells attacking each other. Because certain markers tend to cluster in particular ethnic groups, matches are most often found among people of shared backgrounds. Multiracial patients often have uncommon profiles and a much harder time finding a donor.

About 6,000 patients in the U.S. are awaiting a bone marrow match.

Finding compatible organs for transplant is simpler. Organ matches rely essentially on blood type, which is not related to race.

Glasgow's grandfather, an Army soldier from South Carolina, fell in love while stationed in Japan after World War II and married across racial lines at a time when it was illegal to do so in many states.

From his Japanese grandmother, Glasgow got the almond shape of his eyes and cell markers that set him apart from most other whites. From his white grandparents, he got markers that set him apart from other Japanese.

Sociopaths Among Us

2009-05-11T22:11:00.004-04:00

I started to remember the Summer of 2001. All we heard about on the news were shark attacks, one after another. I had to attend a tech conference in Miami that July and there were sharks, just off shore at dusk. We could see their fins from the beach.

It seems now that we are hearing about one sociopath after another. First, the Craig's List killer in Boston, then the former cop in Chicago who supposedly murdered his 3rd wife and was arrested after his 4th wife became missing. Just last week, we heard about the guy who shot a woman that he was stalking. The shooting took place on the campus of Wesleyan University, in Middletown, CT.

I was working at my computer and as usual, I had CNN on. When I saw the campus, my mind went back to 2000 - when I still lived in Middletown, not too far from the campus. The woman had a restraining order against the guy, but it didn't protect her. By all accounts, he was a loner and the entries in his journal showed that he was probably mentally ill.

But the other two? The Craig's List killer was engaged to be married and the shocked fiancee had no clue of his other side. The cop's 4th wife went missing 18 months ago, and he already had another girlfriend - and he was planning on legally divorcing the 4th wife so he could marry number 5.

Most of us would wonder what a woman would see in either of them. Well, the cop was a puzzle in that his 4th wife was about 30 years younger, as was the latest girlfriend. The Craig's List killer was a medical resident and highly regarded.

But... they're sociopaths, highly adept at fooling others and telling lies that get them accepted by others. Sociopaths are very intelligent and skilled at deceiving others.

One of the basic responsibilities for a Buddhist life is to accept responsibility for one's actions. Sociopaths can't do this - inherently, they refuse to accept responsibility for their actions or for the outcomes of their decisions. When one listens to a sociopath, it's easy to be drawn into their view of their world - that everything is going against them and they just need a little understanding and help.

I can just imagine how the fiancee and the girlfriend are all twisted up inside and wondering how they missed the signs. The family of the Wesleyan shooter is probably wondering the same thing.

Unfortunately, it's all too easy to miss the signs. It's only in the aftermath that we can see it.

I just have to wonder why the sociopaths are all over the news.... they're already in our lives, we just don't often recognize them.

A while back, I was referred to books about sociopaths. There are quite a few books, but two of the best are Susan Forward's "When Your Lover Is A Liar " and Martha Stout's "The Sociopath Next Door".

In the past 10 years, I have worked with the same sociopath twice. The second time was oh so clear.... he had taken credit for my work the first time, and I could see it happening again. His phone calls were ambushes from other phone numbers and consisted of hours long conversations would left me exhausted and at the end of my wits.

I think what I finally realized is that no one should make another person feel so badly. The work sociopath wrecked an entire 4 person team- and we couldn't figure out why. We just left the job.

This excerpt is from a website called "Common Every Day Sociopaths":

Sociopaths are people without a conscience. They don't have the normal empathy the rest of us take for granted. They don't feel affection. They don't care about others. But most of them are good observers, and they have learned how to mimic feelings of affection and empathy remarkably well.

Most people with a conscience find it very difficult to even imagine what it would be like to be without one. Combine this with a sociopath's efforts to blend in, and the result is that most sociopaths go undetected.

Because they go undetected, they wreak havoc on their family, on people they work with, and on anyone who tries to be their friend. A sociopath deceives, takes what he (or she) wants, and hurts people without any remorse. Sociopaths don't feel guilty. They don't feel sorry for what they've done. They go through life taking what they want and giving nothing back. They manipulate and deceive and convincingly lie without the slightest second thought. They leave a path of confusion and upset in their wake.

The big question is, of course, how can you know whether someone is a sociopath or not? It is a difficult question and even experts on the subject can be fooled. If you suspect that someone close to you is a sociopath, I suggest you read both of the books I mentioned and think hard about it. Compare that person to the other people in your life. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you often feel used by the person?

2. Have you often felt that he (or she) doesn't care about you?

3. Does he lie and deceive you?

4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?

5. Does he tend to take from you and not give back much?

6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he seem to try to make you feel sorry for him?

7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?

8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage of your good nature?

9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant stimulation?

10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even if he says nothing overtly complimentary?

11. Does he make you feel worried? Does he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily?

12. Does he give you the impression you owe him?

13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but himself?

And does he do these things far more than the other people in your life? If you answered "yes" to many of these, you may be dealing with a sociopath. For sure you're dealing with someone who isn't good for you, whatever you want to call him.

I like Martha Stout's way of detecting sociopaths: "If ... you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.

There are many books and websites which deal with healing from sociopaths and narcissists. I encourage those who wonder to start doing the research so that you can disengage from the sociopaths in your life.

For those who have married or dated a sociopath, here's a website with some helpful information, called Lovefraud.com.

The Key to Happiness

2009-04-22T01:10:00.001-04:00

Somewhere along the way, I forgot to remember this...

There is no better time than right NOW to be happy.... Live in the moment, smile and laugh as much as you can. Somewhere along the way, I learned that there is no guide to finding happiness. Because happiness is the way.

Treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time... and remember that time waits for no one...

So stop waiting for whatever it is that you are waiting to happen.

... until Friday night, until Sunday morning... until you get married, until you get divorced... until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds... until you start work, until you retire... until you have kids, until your kids leave the house... until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off... until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter... until the first or fifteenth... until you die, until you are born again... until your song comes on...

There is no better time than right NOW to be happy...

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

C'est Printemps

2009-04-19T19:57:00.003-04:00

It's Spring again. I've been thinking about the meaning of Spring and its symbolism for all of us. Each year, it brings a freshness and newness which brings us hope.

When I was younger, it seemed a long time passed between the seasons. But as I grow older, it accelerates, faster and faster. I am aware of how quickly time passes now.

When I was in high school, I first noticed the baby leaves on the trees, and I always remember how that felt - in that spring, to come of age and to know that everything was ahead.

In the future, the past often converges. We remember what has gone by, triggered by the seasons - the memories come back, in vivid detail.

The reasons why we did things in our past are forgotten and overlooked with the passing of time. Sometimes I wonder whether the bad memories can be forgotten and only the good memories retained. Many times I have often thought that I should learn to accept my path, to understand the karma and the threads behind them.

Today, I woke up and realized that many of us, myself included - can have a change of heart and find our minds have changed and our hearts healed or even broken. Even as each of us searches to find ourselves, we can see where paths and hearts have diverged. It is possible to meet again and walk together. It is thru that karmic thread that true love and kindness can be found.

In the spring, I remember those I loved and I think of those who love me. It is with this hope that I renew myself and hope for forgiveness and give it to those who ask for forgiveness from me.

It is a season of renewal and life.

Mean People and Bullies

2009-04-15T00:02:00.010-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a bad day and so my Facebook "what's on your mind" comment was that "mean people just suck". Quite a few folks agreed.

Tonight, I heard something so sad and awful on the news, that I just cried. A little kid, 11 years old - committed suicide after months of bullying and taunts. He hung himself with electrical cords and his Mother had to cut him down.

His name was Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover. His Birthday would have been this coming Friday.

Here's a link to an article about what happened.

And this article which just broke my heart.

The final straw was the bullying that came from a female student. That's right. A girl. I say that because we stereotypically think that bullies are boys. But in this era of technology, we are seeing the effects of taunts and rumors... on MySpace, on Facebook, in text messages on phones.

This poor kid.... the girl threatened to beat him up. He was probably quiet and did not retaliate. The school's way of remediating the problem? Carl was forced to eat lunch with his tormentor every day for 5 days.

This school should be shut down. No excuses. No second chance.

We are all vigilant about racial and religious slurs - and we would not permit it. But bullying has taken another form - kids have now resorted to teasing kids who are overweight,are disabled, who wear different clothes, who go to Church or Temple or the ultimate insult - labelling them as gay. Adults tend to overlook this because we figure it's just schoolyard stuff, and so many of us went thru taunting and teasing when we were younger.

It just seems that we hear too much about suicides as the result of bullying. I cried to think of what Carl was feeling when he did this - he must have felt like he was a burden and that he had let his family down.... he was enrolled in a charter school.

From all accounts, Carl went to church with his Mother and volunteered in the community. He was reported to be sensitve and studious - and yet the kids that taunted him were so hardened and callous beyond their years, that I had to wonder how things got this way.

I thought back to the Rhianna-Chris Brown assault - and the chilling fact that so many young girls seemed to think that Rhianna got what she deserved.

Where are these kids learning these lessons?

Tonight, I am going to say a prayer for Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover.

Sack Lunches

2009-04-07T20:03:00.003-04:00

Normally, I don't pass chain e-mails on - too gooey or just plain out right incorrect.

This one is different. Even if it's fiction - it makes you think. If we were more kind or thoughtful, less selfish... and got back to some basic decency and respect for others - I wonder how different could things be?

The Sack Lunches

I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight.. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.

Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.

'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training,
and then we're being deployed to Afghanistan.'

After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time..

As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to base '

His friend agreed.

I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'

Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best - beef or chicken?'

'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class. This is your thanks.'

After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.

Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, and said, 'I want to shake your hand.'

Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.

Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.

When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars!

Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.'

Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only give them a couple of meals.

It seemed so little...

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'

That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country
who no longer understand it.

May you have the strength and courage to pass this along to everyone on your email buddy list.... I JUST DID.

More on The Silent Circle

2009-03-14T16:10:00.008-04:00

Many blogs have followers and watchers, and I have received a few queries today about my comments in "The Silent Circle". As a result, I've upgraded the blog and that means that some of you will have click the sign-up button again. Sorry about that! But I decided it was worth it, so you could see each other's blogs and learn from others.

I follow several blogs on Psychology Today via an RSS feed. In this day and age, we all can learn a little about how to deal with stress, disappointment and that belief that we are entitled to it all. Anger in the Age of Entitlement is about emotional pollution and the age we live in. There are many blogs of interest, so look at the blogs page and subscribe.

Anger In The Age Of Entitlement

While I'm at it, I recommend this article from Psychology Today:
The Pursuit of Happiness

The Silent Circle

2009-03-13T23:25:00.005-04:00

I've been pretty silent about the Rihanna-Chris Brown domestic violence mess. Today, I heard on the news that Rihanna hit him back while he was punching her.

The term "Domestic Violence" makes it seem so much neater... than what it is - an abuse and addiction circle.

Today, the Boston Globe reported: "Nearly half of the 200 Boston teenagers interviewed for an informal poll said pop star Rihanna was responsible for the beating she allegedly took at the hands of her boyfriend, fellow music star Chris Brown, in February.Of those questioned, ages 12 to 19, 71 percent said that arguing was a normal part of a relationship; 44 percent said fighting was a routine occurrence."

I don't think there's anything normal about arguing and fighting in a relationship. And I was shocked that the teenagers felt that Rihanna had done something to deserve being hit.

I've been listening to everyone in the media weighing in on this - Dr. Phil, Oprah, Tyra Banks.... all telling Rihanna that Chris Brown will hit her again. That Chris Brown needs help. That both Rihanna and Chris Brown need help.

Gee, and they're so young. So rich, with their whole lives ahead of them. The media is having a feeding frenzy over this.

The other night, I caught an interview with Robin Givens who was married to Mike Tyson and Denise Brown, sister of Nicole Brown Simpson.

Robin Givens has been outspoken about violence against women for many years. She described the verbal threats and the physical violence that she and her family endured. But she also described that she loved him and thought she could change the circumstance. What hit me hard was her memory of hiding in the laundry room with her mother and sister. Her sister asked "when does it end?".

Denise Brown founded an organization named after her sister, an organization which is dedicated to ending domestic violence. She spoke of the violence that didn't end with her sister's divorce from OJ Simpson. The violence ended with Nicole Brown Simpson's murder.

Both Robin Givens and Denise Brown described the women who speak to them - and how remarkably similar their stories are. The hair pulling and the slapping, the kicking, the punching - of being slammed into walls.

Violence of this type is usually kept hidden. The victims feel ashamed, and almost become defensive. It happens to more women and girls than we realize. It doesn't just happen to poor and ugly people. It happens everywhere, behind closed doors, all around the world and here in the USA.

Now I know this is going to be shocking, but I have an understanding because I have been a victim of domestic violence. I've been through verbal and mental abuse, too. The scars are deep and don't show as much as bruises or broken bones.

The thing that I realized is that when you're "in love", there are a lot of hormones that make you almost high. Dopamine and Oxytocin are flowing and you get addicted to the elation. When the misery starts, and the hormones are gone - you will do anything to get it back. And that includes reconciliation with him, especially when you see how sorry he is.

I silently bore the grief and shame that someone I loved didn't respect me enough to be honest with me. I would have done anything to bring his love back. I bargained with myself and wished I hadn't spoken up for myself when he verbally chastised me.

Listening to Robin Givens, I flashed backward in time to a long time ago. I can remember hiding under the bed, only to be found and pulled out by my hair. I can remember the times when I couldn't go to school because the bruises showed or my glasses were broken. The most visible bruise was the outline of a shoe on my thigh where I had been kicked. I was already on the floor because of the belt buckle and the kick was just one more thing.

It was an important night for me - the winter concert of my senior year. I was forbidden to go and that's what the hitting was about, to keep me from going - but I went to the concert anyhow because so much had been taken from me. There was hell to pay when I got home. I didn't know the bruise was there - we were supposed to wear matching dresses for one number, and my dress was damaged. So I wore one of my school outfits, and my friends were silent. No one criticized me or made a comment - they could see the bruise.

My friends noticed my sadness, but it seemed as if no one else did. I became an over-achiever, just to have some positivity in my life. The only thing noticed at school were my absences - 48 days of my senior year. I still graduated 11th in my class of about 800 kids.

Move forward in time. A boyfriend with a baby face and clear blue eyes. A guy who would get so frustrated that he would hit me and then get on his knees and cry his eyes out in shame. I moved twice, but he always found me. The apartment across the hall had been broken into and when the police knocked on my door to inquire, I told them how vigilant I was because of my fear of him. 5 hours later, they were back. The people across the hall heard my cries for help and he was arrested. He had found me again by following my car and he sneaked in the back door. He attacked as I was unlocking my door.

I didn't know what a stalker was at the time but I know now. I'm lucky to be here.

Inside, I wondered what I could have done to "deserve" the violence I became ashamed and withdrawn. I went back to college and became the over-achiever again, tried to improve my life and become someone better.

All these years later I know that I did nothing wrong. It was them. It was their ego and their anger. But it wasn't me.

Rihanna doesn't need the fans and media telling her what she should do. It's not helpful and probably makes her feel worse. She knows what happened behind closed doors, over and over. She needs to get well and take care of herself.

I know and understand. It's only when you realize that you didn't deserve it that you can breathe and get on with living again.

Rihanna's hit from the summer of 2008,"Take A Bow" seems like a prophecy now.

You look so dumb right now
Standing' outside my house
Trying' to apologize
You're so ugly when you cry
Please, just cut it out

And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining'
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
Oh...

Grab your clothes and get gone
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talking' about, girl, I love you, you're the one
This just looks like a re-run
Please, what else is on?

And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught

Oh, and the award for the best liar goes to you
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me

Palm Trees and Mojitos

2009-03-01T23:22:00.008-05:00

It's snowing again tonight in Connecticut, a late winter storm. We have been very lucky this season - we haven't had many storms at all. The last big one that I can remember was in December, on a Friday night when I was supposed to attend the annual Rob Mathes Christmas Show. I ended up switching the tickets for Sunday afternoon, and it actually snowed again.

I think I missed a storm while I was on the Smooth Cruise during the beginning of February. From what I could see on the Weather Channel, it was sub-zero that week. It was about 70 degrees in the Bahamas, and the cold extended far south. When my friend and I disembarked, it was 38 degrees in Miami. We walked around South Beach in jackets and had a good chuckle over the folks wearing down jackets.

I have dreamed of Palm Trees since I was a young girl. I didn't actually see one until my first trip to Hawaii in 1988. But I can remember a gloomy, snowy February day in college during the mid-80's - my college friend and I were supposed to be completing our labs for numerical methods programming or some similar course that I haven't thought about since.

Instead of programming, we doodled our own tropical island, complete with chaise lounges and umbrella drinks. Amazingly, I have noticed that our doodle actually resembles reality when I do get to those vacation spots. 20 years later, my college friend gave me 3 glass palm trees and our doodle.... I framed it and cherish it for the memory of that day.

Faces of Recession

2009-02-28T18:54:00.006-05:00

We see it everywhere that we go, but do we think about it? I'm talking about those who are less fortunate or the people who are struggling to make ends meet. I remember when I was a kid and we were poor and Mom found her first job. We didn't know that we were poor, but Mom certainly struggled to make ends meet and to make sure that there was food on the table. She wouldn't dream of applying for food stamps, and we were certainly eligible.

I've been aware of the downturn in the economy for a long time. The inevitable job elimination cuts came in January, and we worry about ourselves as much as for colleagues who were let go. If I lose my job, who takes care of me? How do I get by on unemployment? Being on my own, there's really no one to depend upon except me. My family will help, I know - but the fear is always there.

There was a month long feature segment on CNN -a reporter tried to live on a food stamp budget of $176. He reported that it was humbling to live on about $6 a day. I thought about it whenever I stopped for a coffee or a latte. My purchase was about half of the food stamp budget and it seemed wasteful. But if I stop spending money on coffee, what happens to the economy and the people who work those part-time jobs?

I was rushing between work appointments on friday and I stopped at MacDonalds. I was sitting in my car, sipping my Diet Coke from my happy meal. A woman walked into the restaurant and came out with a job application. She walked towards me and I realized her car was next to mine. A man was sitting there, filling out some paperwork. A child was in a car seat in the back seat. She got into the car and started filling out the application.

My heart went out to them. The car was older and rusty in spots. The tires looked like they would let go at any moment. I'm sure that they were trying their best to make ends meet and a part-time job would certainly help.

We take a lot of things for granted. Everytime I hear that someone's kid wants an iPod Touch, I think about how many necessary things could be purchased for a poor family with that $300.

There is a real and human face to the recession, as it ripples across all of us. I see it in the grocery store and everywhere I go. It's all over news, every day. We hear about how people eliminate their landline phone numbers, and depend upon cell phone only. They slash their cable television and eliminate extraneous expenses. Well, at least they have expenses which can be eliminated.

What about those who can't make their mortgage or rent payments anymore? Is it no wonder that the American public is so angry about bailing out Wall Street? We didn't ask for Wall Street to package our mortgages and credit cards into bonds which were sold to foreign investors. Wall Street just found another way to feed upon us and get rich, now we have to bail them out on top of it?

I really hope that the end of this year will reveal some success in pulling out of this financial crisis. In the meantime, I will drop some grocery gift cards off at the food bank, just like I did at Christmas time. Some food banks have made arrangements with local grocery stores to "extend" the face value of the gift cards - so check with your local food bank.

Musings about Valentine's Day

2009-02-18T00:15:00.011-05:00

It's come and gone. I have never understood Valentine's Day at all. When I was in grade school, we used to decorate our own little "mailboxes" and distribute Valentines to our classmates. At first, we made our own little cards from construction paper and white frilly paper - with that chunky paste to hold the assembly together. Our sentiments were scrawled with those big Crayola crayons.

That's how we learned who was popular and who was not. It was elementary training for high school and dating. As we grew up, Valentine's Day became more complicated. We graduated to boxes of Valentines but by high school, it became whose ring hung from the chain around your neck - or if you were a boy, who you gave your ring to. We held hands, selected our special Valentine and even went to the movies or on a date.

Then there were Valentine's Day dances and post college - Valentine's Day - and how much money we threw at it - became a way to measure the seriousness of someone's interest in you.

I went to Boston this past Valentine's Day - and watched people rushing past me on Valentine's Day. I was on Newbury Street, and in the shops, I could overhear other women debating upon and selecting the perfect outfit for the evening. At lunch, the conversations around me were of 2 varieties... would there be a proposal that night? Or the exact opposite - if he didn't show enough attention, the guy was going to get dumped.

I made a homeless guy smile. He asked me for a dollar, and even though I've been told time and time again that money just keeps the homeless from seeking help, I felt badly for him. I didn't have a single dollar bill and that voice inside kept telling me that giving him 5 or 10 bucks wouldn't help him. He pleaded with me for something to eat. We were standing outside of Dunkin Donuts. So I said, "Let's go inside and you can pick out what you want".

He was incredulous, and shyly kept asking if he could have an orange juice or iced tea. I told him that he could have either or both, and asked him if he wanted a sandwich. He couldn't decide, and was torn up over the prices because one flatbread sandwich was 20 cents more than the other. He finally decided on a sandwich and I asked him if he wanted a donut or some home fries. He just kept smiling and after I paid for everything, I just wished him a Happy Valentine's Day. He said "thank you, you are a Valentine's angel".

His whole meal cost me 8 bucks. I kept thinking that we were all running around Newbury Street, either trying to do something special for romance - or trying to forget it. 8 bucks seemed like a small price to brighten someone's day. I was happy because I wanted to connect with someone.

On the way home, I was listenening to Martha Quinn play "love songs from the 80's" on her syndicated program. Yes, THE Martha Quinn - original MTV veejay. It was her tribute to Valentine's Day. How could I have forgotten that the Ramones did a remake of the 60's Andy Kim song, "Baby, I Love You"?!! The number 1 love song turned out to be Journey's "Faithfully". Martha also had the anti-romance tunes - "Love Stinks" from J. Geils and another song I had forgotten, Martin Briley's "Salt in My Tears":

I never did it, no, I won't admit it
Why should I lie for you anymore
You never loved me, you pushed and shoved me
I see the woman I never saw

I saw you laugh when the knife was twisted
It still hurts but the pain has shifted
I'm lookin' back at the time that drifted by
But I won't cry for the wasted years
'cause you ain't worth the salt in my tears

Feeling neglected, used and rejected
You need a shoulder to lean upon
Baby you picked him, found your next victim
Don't worry someone will come along

I broke the spell that you kept me under
I had enough of the rain and thunder
I lost track of the time and I wonder why
But I won't cry for the wasted years
'cause you ain't worth the salt in my tears

I'll sit around and drink a few more beers
Until the memory just disappears
'cause you ain't worth the salt in my tears

I saw you laugh when the knife was twisted
It still hurts but the pain has shifted
I'm lookin' back at the time that drifted by
But I won't cry for the wasted years
'cause you ain't worth the salt in my tears

Martha is a music geek, much like me. She was offering up her summary on the early origins of Valentine's Day - the mid-February Roman Pagan Feast of Lupercalia. According to Martha, Lupercalia was a combination of Secret Santa and going steady. During Lupercalia, men would draw the names of young maidens in the lottery - and the resultant pair would be a couple until the next feast. OK - I cleaned it up a bit, but you get the meaning, right? ;)

When I got home, my curiosity got the better of me. After all, I knew that St. Valentine was a Christian Martyr and that the early Church probably re-purposed some pagan feast day to coincide with him. So I googled it up and found that Lupercalia was a 3 day feast dedicated to fertility, complete with sacrifices of 2 goats and a dog and a parade thru the streets of Rme. Lupercus was a Roman God, the patron God of Shepherds and the equivalent of the Greek Pan. After the sacrifical feast, the parade consisted of the naked followers of Lupercus running thru the streets with whips. Women lined up to feel the lash in the belief that the lash would guarantee fertility and ease of delivery during childbirth.

So how did we get from Pagan Celebrations to St. Valentine's Day? Well, you have to understand that the Emperior Claudius believed that married men were not good Roman soldiers. It was hard to march them off to the far-flung corners of the Empire if they were married. Valentine, who was a Catholic Bishop, would perform marriage ceremonies in secret and when Claudius found out about it, Valentine's days were numbered. While in prison, Valentine fell in love with the blind daughter of his jailer. Before his death, her blindness was healed because of his great faith and she was able to read his farewell note which was signed "from your Valentine". (I think I may have to figure out how a bishop could fall in love and still become a saint, but I won't go off on another tangent today!)

About 200 years after Valentine's demise, the Pope abolished Lupercalia and decreed that instead of the names of maidens, young men would draw the names of Saints from the lottery box. For the first time, young women could draw a name from the lottery box as well. The young people were to emulate the Saints... and this did not go over as well as the Lupercalian traditions. So, young men started to send handwritten notes with Valentine's name to the young ladies and so with "from your Valentine", the tradition began.

Eventually, the whole feast of Lupercalia was forgotten as the day evolved into Chaucer's celebrations of courtly love. Venus, the Goddess of Love and her son, Cupid became symbols of the holiday. The first actual Valentine was sent in 1415 - from the Duke of Orleans to his wife. Small detail - the Duke was imprisoned in the Tower of London at the time.

During the 19th century, mass-produced Valentines became all the rage in Victorian England. In the United States, the first Valentines were manufactured in Worcester, Massachusetts. Fast forward to the present - Valentine's Day ranks 2nd in greeting card sales, only to be surpassed by Christmas.

I tried to remember Valentine's Days from past years. When I was married, I do remember making a fuss about it, and I don't even know why. It just seemed as if it was something we were supposed to do. I remember attending a friend's fairy tale wedding in 1991 and my boyfriend at the time - he brought roses for me, but seemed so embarassed about it.

I remember Valentine's Day almost 10 years ago, as I watched someone that I loved get onto a plane and leave for Ireland. It was snowing very hard that Monday in Montreal, and our day was rushed as he prepared for his journey. Although he said he would return, he never did. I remembered the snow which piled up on the skylight that day and the feeling of trust and love that felt for him.

As I watched a flower delivery this past Valentine's Day, I smiled to remember that feeling of hope - when a relationship is very new or when you realize that you're in love.

Love is not something to be taken for granted. Several of my women friends came to similar conclusions this past weekend. There's no sense to "hanging out" if you're not into someone.... and they walked away, rather than fill time and expend energy over these guys.

I feel that way, too. After being someone else's time filler, I realized that it's better to be happy and on my own, rather than trapped or dutiful. Things will take the right course on its own.... I'm hopeful.

It's February (again)

2009-02-08T22:27:00.018-05:00

Yes, I've been travelling and busy with my photography. I was hoping for warmer weather, but I'll take 70 degrees over the 18 degrees and snow that took over Connecticut.

I have 2 sets of event photos to edit - charity concerts from the winter, and I'm behind in my work. Then there was the cruise and vacation - I shot too many photos - there was 8 hours of music per day, and now I'm dizzy with reviewing everything. I spent a couple of days in Miami before the cruise, and finished off with a couple of days in South Beach.

I'm not sure if it's just the photos that are making me dizzy. I think my balance has been off since I departed the ship! So I decided to take a break and just reflect on things in general.

The cruise visited Key West and the Bahamas. Met some nice local folks in each port, and caught a glimpse of island living.

In Naussau, I was peeking in the door of a colonial era building, built around 1780 and the maintenance man found me. He graciously brought me on a tour of the chamber where the laws are signed and then to the parliament building. I couldn't have gotten that close in the US Capitol. The man was so proud of his job and of his country, and that made me smile.

Yes, I saw the chickens running around Key West. In a moment of total photographic insanity, I actually chased a rooster for 2 blocks, trying to get the right photo.

That chicken sure was a creature of habit. He walked the same block twice, just trying to escape my lens. The local residents do not like the chickens at all! I was told many times that if I caught a chicken, I could take it home with me.

I chuckled at the voluptuous mannequins in Key West and South Beach. I guess they think that a 42 inch chest will sell a bikini that's retailing for over $200. But the economy has really affected Ocean Drive - there were hardly any tourists at all. The restaurants were offering half priced meals and drinks, just to get you inside. The thing to remember is that triple sized Mojito is $30, and will knock you down if you're not careful. But after all, it was vacation time, and it was time to let go. I'm looking forward to spring, and Mojito Madness seemed like a good way to greet spring. It will be here soon.

A New Year

2009-01-04T21:24:00.004-05:00

A new year often brings new beginnings, the opening of new doors and sometimes the closing of other doors as well.

I am in the autumn part of my life, with many years to go before the winter arrives. This is time when I can reap the benefits of the lessons that I've learned and help others find their way onto their paths.

As I look back, I have both happiness and regret. Regret for things I could have done better, regret for sorrows and hurts. But I have much happiness in the love of my family and the friendships which have endured the test of time.

Sometimes, life just doesn't turn out the way one expects it to be. I never dreamed that my life would be the way it is these days... and I know now that I can't reclaim the time which was spent on my past dreams. I can only look forward, with hope and expectation that it is the way it's supposed to be.

I also never dreamed that there would be so much history in my lifetime. January 20th's Inauguration of the New President is another milestone to marvel about. Something good to think about rather than the sadness of JFK, RFK,Martin Luther King and the events of September 11, 2001. Each of those days is etched in my memory along with the thousands of personal memories that I hold.

My Mom came from a far away place, but once she settled down in Connecticut, she never travelled far from home. I am grateful that I have been able to see the world, and live the life that I've had.

Most of all, I have learned so many important lessons from my Mom. If she was alive today, I know that she would at last be proud of me - for the person that I have become and the strength that I have shown.

After this past New Year's Eve, I realized that the Lunar New Year and the Year of the Ox will be here on January 28th. I did much Karmic Purging on December 31st, and will reflect on Karma on January 28th.

I wrote this in 2008, regarding Karma and lessons:

Karma requires an examination of commitments. Avoiding responsibilities, leaving unfinished business or engaging in deceit can result in quite a backlash in your life. The result is pain and frustration because words and commitments were not honored.

When we honor our commitments and accept our responsibilities, we are better for it. Don't victimize your circumstance - pick yourself up and promise yourself that you'll do better the next time. Don't take advantage of situations and don't use other people to get ahead - if that little voice tells you that it's wrong, then you know you shouldn't be doing it.

Anotherwards... be the best person you can be. Be honorable and respectful, and in return you will be treated with honor and respect. Show the people around you that you love them, and love will be returned to you.

I'll leave you with something from the Dalai Lama about being a 21st century Buddhist from the book, The Way to a Meaningful Life:

1. Take into account that love and great accomplishments involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the 3 R's:
- Respect for yourself
- Respect for others
- Responsibility for all of your actions

4. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

5. Remember that sometimes silence is the best answer.

6. When you make a mistake, take action to correct your mistake.

7. Don't let a dispute ruin a relationship.

8. Live a good and honorable life. When you are older, you'll be able to think back and enjoy your life's accomplishments again.

9. Remember that a good relationship is one in which your love exceeds your need for each other.

10. Share your knowledge.

Karmic Housecleaning

2008-12-29T22:39:00.008-05:00

So here we all are, in late December of 2008, getting ready for New Year's Eve and perhaps some New Year's Resolutions.

I've been reflecting on events of the past 2 New Year's Eves and some of the karmic energy which surrounded me. My conclusion is that perhaps I didn't have the best of energy around me for the past 2 years and while I understood the evening's events at a "it's happening now" level, I didn't understand the long term effects on my life.

2008 has been a struggle to become "me" again as I dealt with the aftermath of a major disappointment. I have been changing things around and trying to bring positivity back into my life, but this holiday season - I realized that I have to do more.

This year.... I am going to try the Karmic Purge. They did something like that in New York City this past Sunday. It was simply called "Good Riddance Day" and was the second annual one held in Times Square.

This is from the NY Times:

The bad memories have been shredded - everything from worthless stock certificates and depressing bank statements to photos of old lovers and dear John letters.

There were cardboard boxes of income tax records, mortgage papers, photographs that elicited gloomy memories and plastic cases filled with old-fashioned floppy disks — the kind that might have been used with some of the first personal computers on the market. A picture of an ex-fiancé and his new love awaits destruction. Other participants wrote down things they wished to be free of.

People scrawled resolutions, doubts or fears on slips of paper. And one man said he had dragged a red suitcase on wheels carrying confidential documents onto the F train and traveled to Midtown from Brooklyn on Friday. All this was to participate in an event dreamed up by the Times Square Alliance called Good Riddance Day.

The alliance, a business group that works to promote and improve the neighborhood, rented a five-foot-tall, beige industrial shredder and installed it in the lobby of the Times Square Information Center on Seventh Avenue near West 47th Street. Residents and visitors were invited to haul their unwanted detritus to the site for disposal.

The alliance’s Web site asked participants to “join us in mashing a year’s worth of bad hairstyles, loathed music, fashion disasters and ill-fated romances into an unrecognizable pulp of bad karma and negative vibes — which will then be carted off, never to be seen again.”

It was part early spring cleaning and part public exorcism, without the benefit of a cleric.

At noon, the jumbo shredder started with a deep hum. There was a woman with a photograph of her ex-fiancé posing with his current companion. People who stopped by without physical objects to get rid of scrawled things they wanted to be free of onto slips of paper.

I truly understand Karma, and have written about it this past year.

For New Year's Eve, I have invited some trusted friends to my home, and I will light white candles for my friends who cannot attend the Karmic Purging. We will shred our bad memories, and make wishes for the New Year. We will let go of the past and move on into 2009 - as baggage free as we can be. While visiting Japan, I did something similar in the temple of Sanjusangendo - we wrote our names on prayer sticks and made a wish.

Happy New Year to all.... and to anyone I may have hurt or wronged in 2008, I offer you my apology or my forgiveness and an intention to do better in 2009.

Thank you to those who have shown their love and offered me understanding. At the time that I needed it most, you have have offered your insight and shown me that kindness and sensitivity does exist. Especially this past holiday season, I didn't expect the caring and support which was shown to me.... by those who I thought had forgotten. My thanks to each of you....

5 ways to clean up your Karma

Have you ever had an experience, even a relationship, that affected you so deeply you cried for weeks, months or even years? A connection that felt so intense it is beyond comprehension or explanation? A situation that continued to present itself over and over again - whether it was with the same person each time or not? These are just a few examples of karma at work.

Called by different names in different traditions, karma can be loosely summed up as the universe's way of teaching you the lessons you need to learn - over and over again until you actually learn them. In some traditions, this can take multiple lifetimes. In others, the lessons may or may not ever be learned. It can simpy be a case of your individual ability and willingness (or not!) to evolve.

No matter how you view karma, there's no doubt it affects your life. In fact, some argue that everything (good and bad) is karmic. Commenting on this very subject, one religious writer summed it up: "In life, there are no rewards, there are no punishments, there are only consequences." So how do you control those consequences?

Clean up
Opinions may vary when it comes to actual karma cleansing. Some spiritualists and psychics have the ability to read and clear individual karma (past life and from this plane). If you want to know what your actual karma is, this is the way to go. But first take a closer look.

Change your actions
Since karma is literally, the results of your actions, what goes around comes around. If you can see the link to what's happening to you in your actions, you may very well have your answer. Change your actions. It may seem difficult at first - and it will be - but you can choose to alter your karma most of the time.

Be thankful
Karmic situations are not just negative ones. While people can often be heard complaining when something bad happens to them, it's rare to hear someone say "wow, karma!" if something great happens. The next time you're faced with what seems like good luck - say you're that rare person who never has trouble finding a parking space, try a little gratitude - it goes a long way.

Check your intentions
Even if someone is able to clear your karma, you will continue to have free will. Thoughts impact action and karma. The only way to undertake a karmic cleansing is with purity of intention and a real readiness to let go and move on.

The secret
Sometimes karma is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You know, "I'll never find my soulmate," or "I can't do that." As much as these thoughts may be motivated by something beyond your understanding (low self-esteem, habit, past life actions), with or without a karmic assessment and cleansing, a certain amount of responsibility lies with you. Only you control your thoughts. And only you control your actions.

So make them good ones - and enjoy karmic benevolence!

Same Auld Lang Syne

2008-12-20T23:07:00.011-05:00

Maybe it was the snow and all the driving I did today, to Boston and back home. Maybe it was a conversation from this week. Or perhaps, it's just the time of year, and the Christmas cards and e-mails and tagged photos that my friends are posting.

A friend told me about his troubles and I felt so badly for him, he's confused without his family and doesn't understand what's going on around him. Another friend lost it and called me, but my phone went to voice mail.... he just needed someone to re-assure him.

Some of my women friends are struggling without their guys, but they know that in another season, the heartache will subside. My heart goes out to my friends who have lost a loved one in this last month before the end of the year... and I wonder if there is a mysterious instinct to pass away before the Winter Solstice.

December 21st, the Winter Solstice in the Northern Hemisphere and the Summer Solstice in the Southern Hemisphere - either the shortest day of the year or the longest day of the year. A convergence of religious holidays and nostalgia for us today, but many cultures had celebrations during the Solstice.

We seem to look towards New Year and a restart, rebirth - a chance to start fresh and new. Resolutions and good intentions are all around us.

I have always believed that a karmic signal occurs on New Year's Eve... either an ending to something that should be let go, or guidance for the year to come. It's hard to tell which signal is which on New Year's Eve, but another December 31st is almost here.

Last year.... was quite a wake up call. I was boo-hooing away, when a car rammed the gas mains on the front of my building. If the car had been going faster, the building would have probably caught on fire. I moved to a new city and tried to re-synch my life and find a better path on a higher road than what I was on.

I always think about friends and relatives and even people I have lost touch with. There was a beautiful song by Dan Fogelberg, which reminds us that the path we take is the path that we belong upon. It's a song about the love who got away or perhaps found the strength to walk away ... but maybe that's the way it was supposed to be.

It's been a year since we lost Dan Fogelberg....on December 16, 2007. I cried when I heard "Same Auld Lang Syne".... here's the YouTube link.

For my friends who are starting over this year, try not to dwell in the past on what once was. Be happy for that time and live in the moment of today.

Same Old Lang Syne
(Dan Fogelberg)

Met my old lover in the grocery store,
The snow was falling Christmas Eve.
I stole behind her in the frozen foods,
And I touched her on the sleeve.

She didn't recognize the face at first,
But then her eyes flew open wide.
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse,
And we laughed until we cried.

We took her groceries to the checkout stand,
The food was totalled up and bagged.
We stood there lost in our embarrassment,
As the conversation dragged.

We went to have ourselves a drink or two,
But couldn't find an open bar.
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store,
And we drank it in her car.

We drank a toast to innocence,
We drank a toast to now.
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness,
But neither one knew how.

She said she'd married her an architect,
Who kept her warm and safe and dry,
She would have liked to say she loved the man,
But she didn't like to lie.

I said the years had been a friend to her,
And that her eyes were still as blue.
But in those eyes I wasn't sure if I saw,
Doubt or gratitude.

She said she saw me in the record stores,
And that I must be doing well.
I said the audience was heavenly,
But the traveling was hell.

We drank a toast to innocence,
We drank a toast to now.
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness,
But neither one knew how.
We drank a toast to innocence,
We drank a toast to time.
Reliving in our eloquence,
Another 'auld lang syne'...

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired,
And running out of things to say.
She gave a kiss to me as I got out,
And I watched her drive away.
Just for a moment I was back at school,
And felt that old familiar pain ...
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned into rain ...

Giving Thanks

2008-11-25T11:37:00.003-05:00

We often don't pause to reflect upon the good things in our lives. We're so busy running and dealing with the day to day events, and it's easy to get wrapped around the axle.

There is so much around us - and so many people who are dealing with the loss of a family member or a job or a home. How many people do we know that have a serious illness like cancer affect their lives or their family?

This Thanksgiving, please take time to reflect on the good and give thanks for it. If you can dedicate time or money to helping the needy this holiday season, please do it. Not only will you help others, but you will enrich your own life.

I won't be giving out gifts this holiday season. I think my budget should be donated to the local food bank and can better be used. If the choice is to give another iPod or help a family, I think the family really could use the assistance.

Wherever you are this holiday, be happy and smile at those around you. We are much more fortunate than so many others.

Take care of yourself and those around you.

Journey's End

2008-11-23T22:10:00.026-05:00

It's been a year in the making, these last final milestones on this journey of mine. I feel as if I drifted for a long time, but that I'm back on my path.

A year ago, I did something that I'm not exactly proud of. I was driven into it, by lies, and opportunism and neglect. I stood up for myself and exhibited an anger so fierce that I'm not sure where it came from, and all I can say is that it was a surprise and awful.

It was his birthday and I had tried to make it special, to show him that he was loved. He had been carrying on for weeks about it. I had already delivered his birthday gifts about 12 days earlier than the actual date and I did my best to make his birthday a good one. But he didn't want that from me, stating that he would have preferred to be in Reno or Tahoe or wherever his new friends were for that Thanksgiving weekend.

On the actual day, he was irritated that he had to be here rather than out west with his new clique. After it was all over, I called him to tell him that he had treated me badly and he hung up on me....I never want to feel that way ever again.

I drove home to Connecticut from Boston, a 90 minute drive. I called his voice mail every 5 or 10 minutes and just screamed. He later told me that his blackberry had died, but I knew better. His last words before he hung up were - "You are not family and you are interrupting a family event".

Much like the main character in the film "Atonement", I carried my burden of shame for most of 2008. That little voice inside my head told me over and over that I shouldn't have spoken up, if I had kept silent, we could have worked everything out.

But the night of his actual birthday, I actually did my best not to intrude on what he defined as a family event. It was a not so subtle way of keeping me in my place and separating me from those he supposedly loved. I was getting used to taking his verbal abuse, and I felt that the end was coming anyway. He had been lying pretty steadily since the beginning of September. I never let on to what I knew, and that I had confirmed that he was a pretty slick liar.

But even he slipped up now and then, he couldn't cover all of his tracks. A week after he was in California for a gig, he worked a big charity event, with a sports star. He was so excited and he called me every night to tell me about the arrangements and the rehearsals. I ran around, buying sports memorabilia, so he could ask the star to sign it.

The night of the event, he was disappointed that he hadn't gotten a baseball or a cap signed for a 7 or 8 year old boy, and I shuddered inside, wondering who the kid belonged to... guys can be pretty transparent - when no names are mentioned, women know that there's another woman on the scene. He never said "I wanted to get a baseball signed for my buddy's kid". To be direct about it, I didn't run around buying memorabilia at high prices so he could impress another woman and her child.

I never told him that as I went down the staircase that night, I saw him hitting on a tall, slim woman - about half my age. He had left me alone upstairs and told me that he would be back in a few minutes. After about 15 minutes had passed, I went down and saw what I didn't want to see - him flirting and hitting on her. I just went up the stairs and counted to 20 and then went back down again. I pretended I hadn't seen him but it didn't matter, she was still there and he was chatting her up. After a few minutes, he walked away and came back and my sense of it was that he went back to seal the deal. He later claimed that she was the bartender and he was negotiating a drink - but honestly, I think 15 or 20 minutes is a little long to take care of it. I denied my instincts for so long with him - and I know that little voice of doubt about him was on target.

A smart woman would have walked away that night, but I was in the midst of losing my independence and my mind to this man.

About 2 weeks after the charity event, he called me to tell me that a friend was visiting from California, and that he would be busy for a few days. No name was given for the friend and my sense of it was that it was the woman he brought to the gig in California. Again, it wasn't "My buddy so and so" - all I knew was that I wasn't to call him or expect a call for a few days.

My friends had told me about what he did that weekend in California with that woman.... and I've written about it before. I can't even type some of the scornful names that they called him - I guess he thought that the musician code of honor would protect him.

But their love for a friend trumped it, and so I knew about how he dragged this woman around like a trophy because they all told me how embarassing it was. I told myself that he needed more time, that he was confused.

I had shoulder surgery at the end of October, and despite being in a sling and recovering, I was still foolishly trying to prove myself.

So when he asked for tickets to that sold out show in Boston on the night of his birthday, I made the call to the club and there I found myself on November 23rd, being ignored and belittled by a miserable man with a bitter mind.

He was so angry with me over the arrangements that he asked why I didn't tell the club the tickets were for him. I felt like telling him to call the artist or the club up himself. What I wanted to tell him is that no one at the club remembered his name or cared about him and that they made the space for me - because I usually don't ask for favors.

It was my favor that I called in and I had to be there. He wanted me to give up my ticket for his son's girlfriend and it hurt me that he would even think to exclude me. I offered to make excuses that I was sick and have the club turn over the tickets to him but he relented and had to backtrack on his demand because he looked like a jerk. He managed to isolate me from his family event by saying that I could go to the show only.

I know, really big of him, huh?

Even more confusing was his 4 hour phone call at 2AM on Wednesday morning - I stayed on the phone with him until after 6AM as he rambled on about his pajamas, his family, his birthday and .... about how he was looking forward to his birthday and having me share it with him and his family.

The club had moved in a couple of tables so our party of 5 could be seated near the stage. As he ignored me and made nasty remarks to me and put me down in front of other people, I bit my lip in silence and fear of his toxic words. I kept quiet through everything he did that night, telling myself that it was his birthday.

He became angry that his sister-in-law invited me to the next place, because he had already separated in his head that he would only be stuck with me for a couple of hours.

He turned the entire evening into something else other than his birthday .... it became about cherishing a private moment with his son. I can respect that because it made me smile to watch how into the music his son was. The son seemed so sweet and innocent in his amazement and appreciation, and I wondered how he could actually be related to the Birthday King.

After the show... he barged into the green room to introduce his son and start "bonding" and making the evening more special for his son by mingling with the artist and musicians ....which of course in his mind was because of him and his connections. There was no acknowledgement that they were all there because of the favor that I called in. The club came to me and asked if I would mind getting him out of the green room. Of course, his behavior was embarrassing, but he didn't seem to be aware of it.

What finally topped the whole evening off was when he wrote me a check for the tickets. As if buying me off would absolve him of treating me like dirt.

So I wasn't exactly proud of myself for exploding into his voice mail. I was deeply ashamed and I knew I had given him exactly what he wanted. An excuse.

He actually tried to twist it all into my fault. He had taken notes on my voice mails and wanted to dissect them point by point. He acted like the victim and made me back down. He twisted most of the events of that evening into my fault and it was clear to me that he didn't love me or care about me. They were just words that he used to enhance his mood - he never felt anything for me at all.

And I was sorry that I believed in him.

When he forgot about my birthday - which was 3 days before his son's girlfriend's birthday - he tried to convince me that I was being unreasonable - and yes, even jealous. He had mentioned the girlfriend's birthday and how they were planning on doing something together as a family, and I was absolutely speechless that my own birthday was forgotten or ignored. I may be a lot of things, but jealous? I reacted to the neglect that he couldn't understand or admit to.

He said, "Perhaps it is that you would like to be to me what she is to my son .... my son is the most important thing there is to me -- as are the things that are important to him."

My birthday had come and gone, and as I opened my card, I thought to myself - this is it? No card or flowers after my surgery and a card for my birthday. Gee, what a great guy...I'm not mercenary, but he said we would do something to celebrate - it never happened and I doubt he had any intention.

You see, he never once did anything for me.

I was so tired of his rollercoaster ride to hell and back. I was so done that you could have stuck a fork in me. I was in so much pain and emotional distress.

Exactly 2 weeks after his birthday, on December 7th - he played another charity gig, one that I've attended every year for more than 15 years. He was ultra nasty..... he didn't want to be seen with me, and worked the after party as if I wasn't there.

I fought back the tears as he ordered a drink for himself and left me standing alone. I had already screamed at him the night of his birthday and I choked back the angry words which were swirling in my head. I was not going to shame myself again by screaming. I just looked at the floor and became silent.

One particularly memorable comment that he made to another musician.... "Do you know what happens to girlfriends who get fat? They become ex-girlfriends."

Yeah, it was intended to push me away and I gave him his wish. He drove me to my car in the ice storm. He screamed at me to get out of the car and that I was provoking him to argue. Meanwhile, I hadn't said a word because I was too busy fighting back the tears. He jeered at the expression on my face and continued to say cruel things and make fun of my tears.

All I wanted was a smile from him and the person I had met one year earlier. The same guy who told me that he was in love with me.

I didn't want the miserable and negative man that he had revealed. His bitter mind had poisoned me and his cynicism left me empty ... and I was no longer myself anymore. He was an emotional vampire who took everything and left nothing. I had become withdrawn and afraid - with no self-esteem left.

It's really hard to hold your head up high when the person you thought you loved - has so little respect for you.

I called his house about 2 hours later - I didn't know if he was home or not. The answering machine picked up and I whispered that I couldn't take the roller coaster ride anymore, that he was hurting me.

I received a couple of e-mails in December after that night - when he was feeling sorry for himself or needed something. A friend of his passed away just before Christmas and he felt sad. He called me on Christmas night to thank me for the Christmas gift which I had already ordered and was on it's way to him the night I ended the rolllercoaster ride.

In that Christmas call, he slipped up again. He told me that his life had changed a lot in the past month and half.... which would have put the timing around the middle of November, before his birthday - maybe around November 15th or 16th, after he had happily accepted all those gifts from me. He wanted to tell me about it, but not on Christmas.

A month later,in late January, he wrote me an e-mail to tell me that he had contacted a woman from his past and that they still loved each other, even after not having been involved for the past 7 years. I've written about it a few times this year, and it still strikes me as absurd. All the lies he told. I pity the woman if she waited for him all these years.

Deep down inside, I know he pushed me away - because he felt guilty for all of his lies and sneaking around. No one can sustain lies for a long period of time, and eventually they crack or get found out.

So ... wherever he is tonight... I hope he is enjoying his birthday.

I'm sure he told his tale of woe of how I wrecked his birthday last year... and I know that's how he sees it. He has never considered how selfishly he acted and how cruel he was towards me.

As for me... I only have one more milestone ahead, and then I think I will be truly free of him. My life is much calmer and saner these days - no melodrama or lies or doubt to deal with anymore. I feel more like me again, and I am trying not to look back. But today was different, I fought the memories and the demons back all day.

I hope to sleep well tonight.

Places I Remember

2008-11-15T00:28:00.008-05:00

In My Life - The Beatles

There are places I remember
All my life - though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends - I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more

The song just popped into my head. Perhaps triggered by the time of year, with holidays like Thanksgiving and upcoming birthdays and milestones of all sorts.

I love the friends that have been close to me for many years. I love the friends with whom I now share a bond and look forward to seeing.

Then there are the people who came into my life, and I've regretfully had to let go. For whatever reason, our time has ended.

I cut more than a few karmic threads in this month of November.

I went where I used to go and saw friends that last saw me in a happy time, a time when I really believed with all of my heart. I watched Spyro Gyra and Chris Botti in concert again, just as I did last November. I saw people that I hadn't seen for a long time, and I answered their questions of concern and tried to put everything to rest. It felt peaceful to feel loved and accepted again. But... I heard more of the stories about someone that is long gone, and I tried my best to purge the memories, as many as I could.

I let go of my end of the karmic thread and stopped holding on to what I once believed in.

It seemed like a feng shui for my life... visiting the familiar places where I walked in those happy days and remembering. The memories came back in full playback, like a movie. I didn't cry but I wondered how everything came crashing down, that day in late November of 2007. I had no clue it was there waiting to fall...but this year, I saw the shadows of another year, and remembered how I felt... and I wondered if I was remembered, too.

Smiling Faces

2008-10-23T23:08:00.004-04:00

Way back when I was becoming a musician, the radio waves were filled with all kinds of music - from the really gooey-sticky pop and love songs to psychedelic rock to Motown and what I usually call the high holy days of funk.

In 1971, there was a Motown group called the Undisputed Truth and their song Smiling Faces popped into my head recently.

Smiling faces sometimes pretend to be your friend
Smiling faces show no traces of the evil that lurks within

Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don't tell the truth
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof

The truth is in the eyes
Cause the eyes don't lie, amen
Remember a smile is just
A frown turned upside down
My friend let me tell you

Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don't tell the truth,
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof

Beware, beware of the handshake
That hides the snake
I'm telling you beware
Beware of the pat on the back
It just might hold you back

Jealousy (jealousy)
Misery (misery)
Envy
Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don't tell the truth,
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof

Your enemy won't do you no harm
Cause you'll know where he's coming from
Don't let the handshake and the smile fool ya
Take my advice I'm only try' to school ya

1971 was a cynical time. Woodstock and the summer of love was over. The country was trying to move on from the Viet Nam war and was increasingly disenchanted with President Richard Nixon. Anti-war protests were all around us and the Watergate break-in hadn't occurred yet.

Much like today. We're in an election year and the financial collapse is all around us. We have sacrificed Americans in an unpopular war, and have become totally numb from a political campaign that feels like it's gone on forever.

I have been transfixed by the rage which we've been seeing on the news. Americans are so frustrated - if we have a job, our money certainly isn't going as far as it was going - prices are up on everything. But since we're spending so much less, the price of gas is dropping like an anchor. In August, I paid $5.03 per gallon and today, I paid $2.54 per gallon.

Saw a report on CNN tonight about culprits of the financial collapse. The reports are about the 10 culprits who caused it and tonight, the 10th was named. It was us, the consumers who racked up mortgage and credit card debt beyond our means. Leased cars, fancy clothes and an "I have to have it now" attitude.... themes that will take a long time to unlearn.

If you're a baby boomer like me, then you know how our parents - the Children of the Great Depression - were about saving and buying a house and fiscal responsibility. The age of credit cards and I want it now have left this country with little sense of fiscal responsibility.

With all that debt, comes the attitude that we can do or say whatever we want. I have watched the Republican presidential campaign collapse in recent weeks. I am amazed at the stuff that gets said, and the outright lies which have been stated in the Republican rallies.

About a month ago, I laughingly asked where Sarah Palin was buying her clothes. Yesterday I found out - $75K worth from Neiman Marcus. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to shop at Needless Markup, but it's always been out of my reach (as is Bergdorf Goodman, I'm more of a Macy's and Nordstrom's gal myself). But if the Republican Committee would like to contribute to my wardrobe, I'm not sure I would do it.

On a personal note, I've noticed the increase in liars everywhere, not just politics. So be on the alert for those smiling faces.... all that glitters is not gold. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Trust your little voice in your head when you hear it.

Aki of Autumn

2008-10-14T22:02:00.010-04:00

This is the kanji symbol for Aki, which means "Autumn".

It is now Autumn. We can see the change of seasons in the shorter days and the way the sunlight seems filtered. The nights are longer, and tonight is the full moon. The trees are brilliant, this year in shades of burnt orange and deep reds. The temperature is cool and crisp....the sunlight feels calm and bright on our faces - in contrast to the scorching light and heat of summer.

One of the greatest things about technology is being able to communicate instantly with far away friends and family. When I was a little girl, my Mother would go to the mailbox everyday and I understand now that she was hoping for a letter from her family in Japan.

The letters would arrive, on pretty paper in envelopes covered with bright stamps. Mom would read them, over and over. Her eyes were bright with tears and memories. After she passed away, we found all of the letters in her memory box.

When I was in my early 20's, my Cousin came to stay with us while she attended college. After she returned to Japan, we lost touch with each other. But my Brother and I wanted to bring Mom's ashes home to Kyoto, and through the kindness of my Cousin and the rest of our family, we were able to do that.

We now have e-mail. It is wonderful to keep in touch and hear news of the family, to know that there was a memorial for Mom. I am planning to visit in the summer of 2009, and I fear that too much time has passed since we were there in 2006.

It is nothing short of amazing to be able to use e-mail. I am starting Japanese language lessons in January and I simply hope to be able to converse and not embarrass myself. But my Cousin can read and write in English, while I can not read or write Romanji and I know that I will never understand Kanji. Occasionally, I flip through the pages of Mom's "Kanji Power" language workbook and it is still too difficult for me.

When Mom passed away, the American Consul in Tokyo helped us. I had the phone number, but could not speak Japanese. I pleaded with the consul for assistance, even though this is not the duty of the consulate. The consul contacted our family in Kyoto with the news and within an hour, my Cousin phoned.

When we saw her at the airport, it was if time had stood still. It had been 28 years. But we recognized each other immediately and my Brother laughed at the sight of us, jumping up and down like 2 teenage girls.

Recently, my Cousin wrote to me and taught me the kanji for Autumn because my Mom's name was Akino or Aki, her nickname. My Mom had tried to teach me the meaning of her name, but she could not translate the word for "Autumn". So she told me that it meant "rice harvest".

My Cousin explained that Akino means "Autumn Field". You can see the kanji for "Aki" on the left. The kanji on the right means "the natural, the field".

I am happy to know that my Mother had such a beautiful name. My Cousin also taught me that "The four seasons are clearly defined in Japan and life is often compared to the four seasons."

I am entering the stage of life which is defined by Autumn, reaping the fruits of my labor and life. I can smile at my loved ones all around me. I can now recognize good vs bad and make better decisions. It is the season of mid-life and showing appreciation for all the seeds which were planted when I was very young.

The winter is very far away....