a message from parma

Seven Years Later

2008-09-12T20:57:00.004-04:00

A long period of silence means for me contentment. Although I am not permanently employed, I have been working steadily at what I do best and love web project management. Since April I have managed to stay afloat financially and stay the course mentally. Instead of rehashing old issues I am moving forward at a brisque pace bringing Nageelah and Z with me.

In between moments of panic of paying the rent, doing the right thing, and raise a charming flower of a child I am able to be happy.

Yet this is what terrifies me the most.

There is no place like home

2008-03-24T22:39:00.004-04:00

So the kid and I are still in the hood. Got rejected by Bushwick Gardens and thinking about moving. I am sick and tired of the unprofessionalism of the church. I just want to be left alone and live in peace but that is such a task impossible for some.

I Love You More Today Than Yesterday!

2007-09-06T20:58:00.000-04:00

My Dearest Nageelah,

You are now 26 months old and becoming one of the most amazing creatures on our precious Earth. Every day the world changes slightly and we laugh with it. Although you have your moments you are still so much fun to be around. The weekends become our little adventure whether its renting a zip car and discovering the new digs or taking a long bus ride through the hood we laugh together over stupid things creating the everlasting mother/daughter bond.

In the middle of our crazy lives I barely find the time to keep up this blog but I do in case any family member or friend needs to know the latest and greatest of our lives. Even not as updated as I hoped, its still a great way to communicate to the minions.

Nageelah my love, when are you going to learn how to use the potty and get out of those dumpy diapers!

Life can be a living hell

2007-07-26T21:18:00.001-04:00

Finally a moment of peace from the screaming holy rollers behind the chain link fence on a freshly paved pulpit.

Glimpses of Bagdad across the street waiting for a pick up and relief from the scavengers.

Hot and cold felt within the six minute march down the infinite corridor to my place at the company.

Another summer day in NYC.

now what?

2007-07-16T20:41:00.000-04:00

Nageelah is growing into a fiesty jeworican. As she prematurely enters her terrible two's everything in her world is NO or MINE.

another break

2007-03-30T00:23:00.000-04:00

Well I should have known. Things at the fairly new job did not work out. I am back in the market again and with a lot more free time and things are stirring.

I ended my too demanding ridiculous job on a high followed by six interviews. But then things came to a screeching halt and emails were ignored, voice mails unreturned. Ok so I smelled the roses drank some good coffee. NEXT

You're mine

2007-02-17T11:39:00.000-05:00

Well Nageelah my love, here we are 18 months later and in a much different predicament than last year.

I am working a full time career-type job and trying to juggle life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. Sometimes slipping but still moving ahead over bumps and valleys.

Daddy--Z is just full of surprises. He really came through on Thursday when you got sick and babysitter panicked. My reaction was quick to the triage needed and we all end up warm and snuggly in bed.

I march on into the war of mommyhood. People argue that a woman cannot have it all--a professional life and a successful family life.

All you need is love

2006-12-14T13:44:00.000-05:00

As learned from the this site Thursday means love Thursdays.

This blogger states:

"As you know, every Thursday, I try to share some of the best examples of love or loving-kindness that I've seen over the past week."

I know its boring, everyone gets all warm and fuzzy around the holidays but since my life has taken a 180 degree turnaround from last year I am so greatful and a total believer in working the karma. You see internet the biggest lesson I learned in 2006 was; yes good will come from hard work only if you deserve it and are ready for it.

Last year at this time, I was homeless with a six month old baby, out of work and still in a post-partum fog. I tried to celebrate the holidays but Z was still in a state of shock and completely inconsolable. As he would say, "yiddle by yiddle" I crawled out of my black hole of horror and got back to work started paying off some serious debt, gaining control of my life and started being a mom.

I did work a full year as a freelance project manager and ended up with a potentially great perm job starting the new year. Now I will have private health insurance, other yummy bennies, and will not have to financially suffer if I need time off to go to a dr's appt. or if Nageelah is sick. I was assured by my supervisor's supervisor, I will be working on the Samsung account and will be pretty mobile with vpn access etc. Hopefully this company is as "family friendly" as they claim to be.

I hold my breath as 2007 comes near hoping all my dreams and wishes come true.

Tis the season?

2006-12-12T14:29:00.000-05:00

So here I am at a place where I worked so hard to be: finishing a freelance job, getting ready for a permanent job and finally able to take a real vacation! But I have to admit I have a bit of Giftmas blues.

Since moving to Bushburg, money has been tight and although I know my income is much more than the average in my neighborhood I am still struggling to make ends meet. Z helps when he can but for obvious reasons I don't really ask him for help.

I just keep hoping that the new year will bring me and the family prosperity in various forms

MY HERO

2006-11-20T16:59:00.000-05:00

Although he is "Boston ugly" I find him very funny and right on.

tired of this mentality

2006-11-16T15:52:00.000-05:00

I find this quote on cnn.com offensive. I am not defending the guy as he was found guilty today but still this type of thinking is what will doom my relationship with Z. We struggle every day with our social differences but for the past five years I have fought for this relationship and refuse to let go just for obvious reasons such as social class or education. I think our differnces complement each other but then again maybe I am just crazy and delusional!

George said police only decided Worthington was raped because they could not believe that McCowen -- a black, uneducated garbage man -- could have had consensual sex with Worthington -- a white, sophisticated woman who worked for years as a fashion writer in New York and Paris.

Are the Truro police that stupid? Why couldn't a white professional woman, educated with money have sex with an uneducated trash collector. Again, I am not defending this man, he likely did kill or was involved in the killing of the fashion writer Christa Worthington. Even more disgusting is leaving her 2 year-old daughter alone with the body as she was still trying to breast-feed from her deceased mother.

This is a sad tragic story and says a lot about being a single mother in this world.

On a happier note here is the latest Nageelah.

tea for two or more...

2006-11-10T10:34:00.000-05:00

I am getting sick of hearing people defending the use of their recreactional time! So what if a few moms want to get together for magarita's. They are not smoking crack and turning tricks at 4 in the morning. Yes we know that kids imitate their parents but get a bunch of kids together with cookies and hopped up apple juice and wait see the action! Some kids act better than their own parents.

I am not much of a drinker and frankly I don't usually enjoy the company of other mothers bitching about kids, messes, and husbands. Those who know me and have known me for a while know my recreational habits. I am very careful and discreet with my recreational activities and I am gearing myself up for the "conversation" I will have with Nageelah in 10 or 5 years. If the green is not legalized by our new democratic government by then, I will have to explain how people have different beliefs etc. etc. and not to judge them etc. etc. You get the gist.

Nageelah will have to learn the ancient lesson of all children: Parents are human, they fart, shit, fuck, fall down, make mistakes and as long as they are not hurting themselves, or their children or anyone else than to each his own. As suburban bliss carefully states:

It's true, I don't drink like I used to. We don't party like we used to. But we do drink and we do go to parties. And in that one brief conversation I knew this woman and I would never, ever be friends. Not because she chooses not to drink or go to parties anymore now that she's married with children.
We kind of couldn't be friends because it seemed, from her incredulous comments, that she didn't understand how people could incorporate versions of their former selves into their current life as mothers and wives.
Her life included tea and cookies at playgroups and quiet nights at home with her husband marvelling at the fruit of their loins and anything outside of that? Is Not. Normal. As I said, I've got enough guilt and angst in regards to my life as a wife and mother, I don't need help adding to it.

The other ancient lesson of do as I say and not as I do works in this instance as well. I don't condone children doing drugs, but they do imitate adults and do as they see. You should see Nageelah with a cell phone, or PDA it's scary how adult she acts with a phone to her ear. She also has picked up the anoying crackberry habit from a former babysitter with such zeal that she takes anything with a keypad, tv remote, cellphone, palm pilot and start thumbing instant messages. The serious look on her face is hysterical. I do hope she learns about her "indoor" voice and does not scream on a phone in public.

I read other mommy and daddy blogs as a point of reference not to measure my mothering ability or validate my need for "normalcy." Being a parent, has made me apologize for my childhood to my parents. According to my mother, I was a good kid early on but the shit hit the fan during pre-adolescence. I won't divulge the gory details but let's just say it was not pretty. Think black eyeliner, whiteface make-up red lipstick and hours of listening to the Cure and Siouxie and the Banshees.

Overall, I think I am doing OK as an adult and parent. Just because I don't live in the suburbs, take my kid to gymboree, make vegan child's meals, have a live-in co parent, set up play dates and dress my child all in new gap kids clothes doesn't mean I am a bad parent.

Bushburg is a little rough around the edges and Nageelah will have to learn how the streets work from both parents' perspective. But there is hope! Organic milk and yogurt can be found at the closest supermarket and there are a ton of vintage clothing stores in the hood that have beautifully supplied the coolest and most economic wardrobe for the little one.

George's Bush

2006-11-09T10:40:00.000-05:00

Before I start ranting I have to give a shout out to this site. You are right Metrodad this is hysterical. Now I know what I should be called if I am ever locked up.

I's been tinkin tons since my last post. Guts lots to say but no time to say it!

I don't have time to stop and criticize Kirstie Alley's thighs or to bash SAHMs I say to each his own. Do whatever works for you. I don't have a choice. I have to work in order to pay my bills and keep my sanity. Sometimes at work I think its easier for me to get Nageelah to eat then for coworkers to respect deadlines. What do I do for a living? Well that is a complicated question.

Since the beginning of time or since the Internet became the world wide web I found myself enjoying the process of building things for people to look at online. Back in the day during the Web 1.0 days we sort of made things up as we went along but now that we are here in 2.0 land a few things have been established like: you can't just throw anything up on your site and hope it sticks, you can't take something from print and just transfer it online, bottom line offer a good product or service and people will buy it or use it.

Now over the years I have worked at many interactive agencies and as the craziness ensues several things stay the same:

the work day starts anytime from 9-11 am. I guess no one in NYC is a morning person but I usually am at my desk by 8:30 no later than 9 but I am usually alone left reading the NY Post.
people expect you to stay later than 6 pm even if you come in early and have nothing to do!
Creative Director means Crazy Dude
Flash Developer mean forget about it don't expect it soon
Process is everything except when we fuck up and need something done yesterday

I can't really complain, some agencies are better than others. I am pretty easygoing and get along with just about anybody but please we are all humans, treat people with respect dudes! So I am back to working at the need and whim of several recruiting agencies. I go where there is work without much complaint but don't appreciate sneaky tactics and non answers.

So now I am searching for a permanent position where I can earn a decent salary, pay my bills and live nicely in Bushburg with Nageelah. When things were really bad a couple of years ago (see earlier posts) and there was no internet work and I was hawking carrot juice and baking pumpking bread it was hard for me to imagine working again in the internet world and making over $20 an hour. But now I am being recognized as someone "with experience" and occasionally I am compensated for said experience, sometimes not...

What is my point with this post? Well, I guess I am trying to say is that I have more experience being a project manager/web producer than being a mother and girlfriend to a Porto Rican Ralph Kramden. I actually need to work to feel like I can accomplish something at least once a day.

What I am trying to convey to all you out there on the web is that I need to work professionally in order to be satisfied with at least one thing in my life. Yes, I struggle as a mom and girlfriend but the struggle is worth it. Z, with all his faults and weaknesses still is a good man compared to most, its just that he is not as developed as former boyfriends but there is alway room for improvement. I don't care if he does not find the cure for cancer, he can build a great set of shelves, start a dead car battery, cook a mean rice and beans and other x-rated things...

I am just hoping one day he realizes his pot of gold is right in front of him!

here we go again....

2006-10-04T16:07:00.000-04:00

OK so I am moving to the next new trendy area of Brooklyn oddly named Bushburg. Just a few stops away on the L train. Its a small but clean 2 br RR. Nageelah and I will be moving and Z will join us at his leisure. He is so fucked up he cannot decide what to think. He does not know if he wants us to stay or go. He can't seem to verbalize his feelings only act on them in stupid ways.

I think he is in a state of shock that I actually up and moved when he was freaking out a few weeks ago. The move will either do us some good for the relationship or it will end it. That is how I see it. Maybe we do need a break and I need to get back to who I was before I moved in with him and had an insta family.

The housewife of Z's dreams does not exist at least not with me that is.

In the beginning

2006-09-28T23:22:00.000-04:00

When I started this blog, I thought I needed an outlet for the frustration/depression I was experiencing and a way to communicate to the masses since I could not do it on a more intimate level. I see my life and its meager existence as one type before 9/11 and one type after.

I hate labels, and don't like the title mommyblogger but I started this blog when I discovered I was pregnant and I sheepishly needed to process my impending lifestyle in a constructive way. I was suffering the trauma of losing everything in my life--job, savings, sanity. I thought that if I verbalized what I was thinking and experiencing, it would help me move forward in whatever direction I was in.

Since my social and working life were miserable and almost non-existent I focused on the love of my life and how my world intermeshed with his in the most funniest of ways. We would talk and listen to each other for months offering a different perspective of whatever was hovering over us at the time.

One wonders, strangers, co-workers and some who consider themselves my family, how I could possibly interact let alone fall in love with someone so different from me and my reality--past and future . But five years ago, Z was the tiny spark in the abyss of the dark cave of my life immediately after that day--9/11.

Besides the growing attraction, the sense of abandonment of both of our grim realities, our talent for great sex and you have yourself a date and one of the most challenging and rewarding relationships of my life.

Five years later I consider the stranger on the block and our precious progeny my most intimate family circle. I committed myself to the unknown voyage of parenthood armed with a sense of humor, good survival skills, a supportive family including a great yet flawed partner, then packed the basic tools of the mental health industry and began my journey out of the hole.

Survival mode...

2006-09-26T16:26:00.000-04:00

Here I am trying to find a permanent job and a new home both at the same time. I did finally find a new home in the new and improved neighborhood of Bushwick. Just a few stops down on the L train and a brief 20 minute walk to Z's house.

The big test yesterday was introducing Z to my new landlord and letting Z see where Nigeelah and I would be living. Criticism aside, I think he is happy with the situation and even suggested on hanging out for extended periods of time with us.

The new place is small but its NEW. New hardwood floors, clean solid walls and lots of windows with sunshine. I kept telling Z its just a start and who knows where we will all finally end up. Hopefully some day in a brownstone in Boerum Hill Brooklyn.

If all goes as planned, we will be relocated as of October 7, 2006. Watch out United Revival Mennonite Church the Shapiro-Cruz family is moving in!

5 Years ago today.

2006-09-11T21:28:00.000-04:00

I am in a place now that I never imagined to be. I am starting to figure more things out less in hindsight and more in the moment.

Today was a tough day the pre and post 9/11 parmas had to mix and mingle. It got pretty ugly today as I tried to maintain some degree of integrity and sincerity.

I am slowly giving up the struggle. I am sorry to say.

Trouble in Paradise....

2006-08-22T17:00:00.000-04:00

What do you do when someone you love is in so much pain they push you away and spread misery wherever they go?

PRAY

Guess what I have been doing for the last few weeks. I don't know if I am ready to cede that all good things must come to an end but Z has had a complete meltdown and has literally checked himself out of the relationship. Leaving limbs and debris on the side of the road.

On a happier cuter note here are the latest pictures of the little Negeelah.

Needless to say my survival instincts have kicked in and I am in stealth survivor mode.

whoops there it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-06T16:34:00.000-04:00

Well I am back after all the craziness subsides. I have landed a nice job in the city and am on my way to getting my life back together and on the road to success. Z and I have endured moments of unemployment, utter financial ruin only to reap the sweetness of success. Now that I am fully employed, I am hoping our financial troubles will subside.

My goal is to pay off the debt I have accrued from the past four years of horror. It will be a long road back from the ruins of ground zero. My rebuilding effort did take more than four years yet I still have no memorial to honor the dead. Maybe I will build one here.

I am also considering joining Metroblogging. I think my view on lovely East Williamsburg should be considered when reading about the joys of NYC!

Stay tuned for more juicy details....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY?

2006-05-23T14:30:00.000-04:00

Now that I have a moment to contemplate my belly button. Here is what is going on now.
I am totally stuck between several worlds. And often I do my best not to think about it. But sometimes you become confronted with the craziness of your reality and realize its time to check in.

OK, so now I am not that swinging single career gal I used to be. Now I am a mommy and a significant other living in a hell hole out of a plastic box with a cat and a man formed from years of Ralph Kramdenness.

My first step back into the work world was pretty intense. I did realize that I was a bit rusty but took things in stride and did my best. That is all I could do while juggling other ridiculous things such as proper child rearing! But that job ended and now I am in the midst of a job search again.

I have more experience and confidence now so I the job hunt is a bit less threatening. But my nasty competive streak does make an appearance now and then since Z is also in between work so we keep bumping into each other causing friction.

As I dress up and pitch myself as the "new and improved" web producer/project manager, new mommy nyc gal, I pray this will all end soon. Aside from putting my resume online, making phone calls, going to interviews there is not much else to do but wait and see what comes next.

Still trying to keep it together

2006-04-29T10:37:00.000-04:00

Since my last post I have been trying to get back into a pre-9/11 groove. I started work as a contractor at an Interactive agency. The juggling skills come in handy as a project manager. No longer a web producer I am part of a larger assembly line.

I thank the Internet for helping me find a nanny and a pack and play so the next hurdle is a high chair. The happy family on Judge St. is still struggling to find nirvana from the new circumstances.

child no care...

2006-01-29T17:29:00.000-05:00

So I guess part of my rehabilitation process is accomplishing the impossible in my own life as opposed to whoever is paying my salary at the time is trying to find cheap decent child care. Because we all know I am currently getting a B or B minus in mommyhood.

According to Z, I can't make rice, don't have the urge to clean the apartment at all free moments ( I rather read), and I could potentially make our child crazy. I will admit to one bad thing that I do but I will never tell anyone what that is and no it does not endanger my daughter's life. I do constantly try to keep our child clean at all times now that I know most ear infections start during teething and as a result of milk or formula running into the ear canal. I am constantly checking all of my child's orafices for cleanliness. Now my major challenge is finding someone to watch Nageelah while I go to work.

While trying to find a day care center in the hood was my first challenge.

telling it like it is....

2006-01-22T13:45:00.000-05:00

While looking for a used high chair and play pen on Craigslist I found this ad:

Desperately Seeking Jewish Egg Donor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: sale-127385032@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-01-21, 11:20PM EST

I know this is a weird place to post an ad like this...but I'll try anything to find the woman with the smarts, spunk and strength to be the donor that will help me make the family of my dreams! And I thank you sooo much for even reading this ad, thinking about it, or finding out if a friend would be interested!

If you are Jewish, healthy, smart (attended or attending college), attractive, accomplished, full of life and even contemplating egg donation please contact me at 917.549.7037

btw- Jewish/Italian would be the total dream come true.

I've been trying to conceive for a long time and have hit an age where I must move to donor egg. I've had a few episodes of early pregnancy loss. The doctor I am working with is one of five in the country offering a unique egg and embryo freezing technique (proven to be more effective than the other experimental methods) and we will see to it that you will not only be compensated for your time and trouble now, but that you will be able to freeze half your eggs till you are 50 if you wish.

I look forward to hearing from you! And THANK YOU for even considering this.

this is in or around UWS

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

127385032

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Who knows maybe I can furnish my apartment and literally spread my seed...

To the moon Alice!

2006-01-15T18:24:00.000-05:00

So now that I am slowly waking from my maternity coma, breezed through post-partum whatever, here I am in my new life married to Ralph Kramden . What keeps me sane is my sense of humor and the new found confidence I discovered through my love for Z. I don't regret one moment I have had with my significant other.

Z and I are finally getting over the insta-family shock and are trying to create a balance between his way and my way. I admit I often differ to Z's method because after all its his house. I have learned when to suggest something and when to keep my mouth shut.

The most amazing thing about our relationship is that although we are polar opposites from a social standing we often come together on various issues. We both have our ways of problem solving and have finely tuned survival skills. Of course he would do better on a deserted island and I would sail through a foreign country.

But then we will have an episode that goes a bit like this: Its about 5:00 pm and Z walks through the door and sees me in the dark at the computer on the internet. Nageelah is asleep and I am typing away unresponsive to his comments.
"Where's dinner?"
nothing
"I'm starving, what did you do all day?"
I say, "cleaned, shopping, the kid"
Z starts complaining about work then opens the fridge hoping to find something to eat, pulls out a tub of hummus and declares, "What the hell is this?!"
I am right behind him and I say "hummus"
then in a louder more defined voice he cries impatiently, "What is this?"
and I calmly and knowingly say "hummus"
now completely frustrated and at his breaking point waving a 16 oz tub of hummus around Z screams "What is this?!"
Then as I see complete frustration consume the normaly calm composure on the face of my love, I realized he had no idea what hummus was and never knew even if he liked it or not!
With a loving smile I say, "its middle eastern hippie crap!"

happily ever after???

2005-12-28T20:10:00.000-05:00

Now that I have "family life thrown at me I guiltily admit that adjustments need to be made. As you see here is our fantasy of another life on Martha's Vineyard. We enjoyed two lovely days of touring the island thanks to the generosity of my parents.
Back in the jungle of brooklyn, I am trying to get back to the reality of work and living. I sent out a bunch of resumes and hope to get something other than just going back to temping. I am going to try to hold off on temp work and see if I can go into something more permanent.

I am barely getting by on my own. The minimal help from the state and family keeps me going and motivated to change the financial situation. I did it once before I am sure I can do it again. But this time around I will be more strategic with the guidance of Virginia Swain and digging of resources not used in previous job searches.