Dealing in Subterfuges

Top Chef Vegas Finale Part One -- Jen and the Men

2009-12-03T12:47:00.000Z

Jen, you were my girl
Be more careful with the salt
Back to Ripert. Sigh.

So I’m going to keep the intro brief today, both because as I mentioned earlier, I feel like poop, and because I really don’t have a whole lot to say.

I liked Jen. She was my early favorite. But I’m not broken up about her leaving, because while her performance was better than a lot of past contestants, it’s been less consistent and even than the other three. Also, this is another one of the perils of pretty much liking everyone in the final group – my sadness for Jen is counterbalanced by my happiness for the dudes.

Also, I know that it’s quite likely she’ll be back in some sort of sous chef capacity next week, or at least for the reunion the week after, so it’s not like this is the last we’ll see of her.

Also, it’s hard to feel sorry for her when her horrible fate is that she now has to go back and work for my secret baby daddy Eric Ripert. It’s a real case of the world’s smallest violin playing hearts and flowers just for her – frankly, if given the choice of winning Top Chef and the bounty that goes with it or going back to my job where I got to be near Eric Ripert on the regular, I would be torn.

And finally, I’m going to do something I never do, and lay some wisdom from the big guy on you. Yes, that’s right, folks. I’m quoting from Tom Colicchio’s official blog:

This was the strongest group of chefs ever to going into a Top Chef
finale. All four are highly accomplished. And it’s the first time that the four
strongest chefs in a season actually made it to the finale – no one snuck in
through a side door to get there – as evidenced by the fact that between the
four of them, they always won the Elimination Challenges.

I mean, in the first place, he’s absolutely right. And in the second . . . AHHHHH! It’s nice to see an acknowledgment that in EVERY OTHER SEASON someone managed to backdoor their way into the finale by dumb lucking into the old “someone sucked worse” category in a lot of eliminations. It’s something I’ve been saying for years now.

And in the third place, it underlines the difficulty with feeling too bad for Jen. You're fourth from the top not just in your season, but in the strongest group of any season. That puts you standing on some mighty broad shoulders, lady (and a few scrawny horrible ones, like Ilan's and Hosea's, but whatever). So keep your chin up.

That said – let’s get to it. Oh, and also, for those of you who are sick of me being all “I love everyone!” and all, fear not – the December/January Sandra Lee magazine arrived last week, and I’ll get around to shredding it mercilessly soon.

Sadly, there’s no Kwanzaa Cake recipe.

Morning! Scenic views of Napa as the chefs approach in their product placement SUVs. Jen says she’s excited to be in the finale, and is there for her mom who taught her how to cook. She sits at a train depot.

Michael rolls up handsomely with a suitcase. They hug and catch up. She asks if he’s talked to his brother, and he replies that he and Bryan have “talked a little bit of trash back and forth.” She’s not surprised by this.

Next is Kevin, who now has a facebook page dedicated to support of his beard*. Cute, but where’s the “and then there’s this girl who keeps talking about how I live in a tree trunk?” Where’s the love for me? When is it my turn, Kevin? Finally, Bryan arrives. He wants to win for his son. I’m torn between an “awwwww” and a “yawn” at that remark. Let’s call it a “yawwwwwwn.”

A train approaches. Bryan jokes that no one should think about pushing him in front of it. Hee. It would be a lot funnier if he didn’t follow it up with that awkward little laugh he has.

Pregnant Padma walks off the train and the boys congratulate her on her bump. Politely, no one mentions the bangs. Chiarello is also there, and he welcomes them to Napa. And I just want to remind everyone that I can never see Chiarello without thinking “sexual confusion with Michael Chiarello!/ We didn’t start the fi-er!”

Padma says it’s time for their last quickfire challenge. They’ll be cooking with Napa’s signature crop: the grape. They have a full pantry and 30 minutes to cook. Then they’ll serve Chiarello and Padma. . . on the train. Which is where they’ll be cooking.

Kevin mentions that he gets motion sick really quickly. Interestingly (or not) so do I, but it never kicks in on trains. Planes and automobiles, yes. Trains, no.

Padma tells them this is also a high stakes quickfire, and they’re playing for a Prius. Jen says “I want it. I drive a 2000 Chevy Cavalier. I don’t even have a CD player. I have like my high school mix tapes.”

First of all, her car is newer than mine. And mine has a CD player, so I don’t buy that she’s so hard up. Second, I’m AMAZED that they’re allowed to talk that way about a non-sponsor vehicle. . . by name. I’ve heard of product placement, natch, but this is like product displacement.

And their time starts. . . now! They run onto the train and find their coats and a bunch of grapes and other ingredients. Kevin interviews that it takes him a minute to get back into the Top Chef pace of things.

Train galley food flurry! Kevin is physically ill from the train. Michael grabs some space at the back, which kind of pisses Bryan off because it forces him to rethink his plans.

Five minutes! Michael says it feels great to be competing again because it forces you into a different creative process. Bryan says that winning this quickfire would mean a lot since he hasn’t won one yet.

Service! First is Kevin’s Honey and Fromage Blanc Mousse, Glazed Grapes, Olive Oil and Sea Salt. Chiarello likes the olive oil. Next is Michael’s Grape Leaf Stuffed with “Cous Cous,” Vinegar Glazed Grape and Scallop Kebab. No, I have no idea why “cous cous” is in quotation marks. Bryan has made a Roasted Hen with Bacon, Brussels Sprouts, Concord Grapes, Ruby Quinoa and Arugula. Nom. I’m rethinking Brussels sprouts lately because my cousin’s dreadful mother-in-law made some delicious ones at Thanksgiving. Finally, Jen’s is a Sauteed Chicken Livers, Clams, Cabernet Grapes, Wild Mushrooms and Tendrils.

Chiarello thinks they all did an extraordinary job. He wishes Kevin’s had a “little more grape love.” He likes how Michael used so many aspects of the grape. Bryan used Concord grapes, which weren’t very Napa, and the bacon kind of overwhelmed the grape flavor. He says this as though it’s a bad thing, which puzzles me. Finally, he plans to steal Jennifer’s liver and clam dish.

And the winner of the Prius quickfire is. . . Michael ! Yay! He’s stoked, and glad that he’s come out of the gate running. Jen smacks his ass. That’s my girl. I still hope they have beautiful Aryan chef babies together. Commercial!

Back! Jen wakes up at the Meritage resort. Michael is eating those product placement Waffle fries, but Kevin sends Jen a picture message of their beautiful breakfast. Jen interviews that her boss/mentor and my secret baby daddy Eric Ripert is very proud of her.

Elimination! The chefs approach the Rutherford Hills Winery. Padma and Chiarello greet them, and Padma explains them that they’ll be catering the season end crush party at the winery. They’ll have a selection of the finest local ingredients, and the only non-local things they’ll have access to are salt and pepper.

Each chef will make 2 dishes for 150 people. One dish has to be vegetarian, and the other must feature a local protein. They’ll shop at a farmer’s market, and then prep and cook for 5 hours at Brix restaurant.

Shopping! The chefs roll up to the Farmer’s market at Long Meadow Ranch. They have 45 minutes and $600 to shop. Bryan interviews that he placed his restaurant where he did to be closer to agriculture. That makes me feel slightly better about the fact that it’s in the middle of ass fucking nowhere. Clearly I'd prefer it be two doors down from my apartment, but there's not a whole lot of agriculture here. Unless you count my neighbors' pot garden.

Jen has 5 million ideas running through her head, and worries about editing.

Michael buys a bunch of farm fresh eggs for his vegetarian dish, because he thinks it’s rare that people get to eat a perfect, farm fresh egg. Kevin wants to beat Michael to show him that simple cooking can win.

Brix restaurant! 5 hours to cook. Bryan is exited about the wood burning oven. Food flurry. Michael has a long prep list and is doing a lot of stuff to a foie gras. Jen is trying to forget that this is the end for one of them. Kevin gives her advice on the wood grill, and Jen says they’re all giving each other tips and says “it’s not ‘I hope you fuck up,’ this is ‘I hope you do the best you can today. . . but I wanna beat you.’”

Bryan is deboning some grass fed short ribs. Nom. He talks about how this is more his style of cooking, and he doesn’t know if Michael puts that much thought into agriculture. Michael interviews about their sibling rivalry. Even with a week off, I find this theme kind of old.

Tom thru! Kevin is worried about making a brisket in his time frame. Tom asks Jen what she was thinking about in her off time, and she says she was trying not to think about it so she didn’t get too nervous. Bryan is making goat cheese ravioli. Ok, NOM. I need to get my ass to Volt, post haste. Between short ribs -- one of my favorite meats – and ravioli – one of my favorite pastas – and goat cheese – one of my favorite cheeses/substances I would very much like to slather all over either Voltaggios’ body and then lick off with gusto -- the thought of his menu makes me swoon.

Tom reviews his findings. He thinks Jen seems a little nervous, but thinks that sometimes is what gives her the energy she needs. He also thinks that the Bros. are fighting for family bragging rights on top of Top Chef.

Time is winding down. Jen’s coals die and she switches plans to confit the duck breast instead. Kevin worries that his brisket isn’t tender. Bryan interviews that neither he nor Michael wants the other to go home at this point, but Michael says that he’d feel a sense of relief if Bryan left. He’s also worried about his poached eggs being finished, and says “it’s up to the egg at this point.” Commercial!

Back! The chefs hustle out and start setting up their tables. Kevin says it’s been fun to compete with these guys, but it won’t be fun to send someone home. Michael’s eggs come out perfectly. Kevin thinks his food is delicious.

The guests and judges start to arrive. Ok. What in hell is Padma wearing? It’s like something from the Star Trek dominatrix maternity collection. And/or what the whorey girls in my high school would’ve squeezed themselves into in 1993, when they thought they could still get away with wearing skin tight dresses with cut outs at the collar bone and no one would know they were pregnant.

Oh my god, and there are red boots with it. This is awful. The fetal succubus has destroyed Padma’s fashion sense altogether.

Anyway. She introduces the judges – Tom, Gail, and Chiarello. They start with Bryan’s Goat Cheese Ravioli, Delicata Squash Puree and Bronze Fennel and Fig Glazed Short Ribs, Celeriac Puree, Wax Beans and Wild Arugula. Mother of god, I want to pass out just thinking about it, it sounds so good.

The judges start with the ravioli. Gail says the flavor is beautiful, but Tom thinks it needs salt and pepper. Padma thinks it the short rib also needs a touch of salt.

Michael is excited about how using fresh ingredients might change his focus. His dishes are a Vegetable Pistou with Heirloom Tomato Coulis, 63 Degree Egg and Fennel, and a Turnip Soup with Foi Gras Terrine, Poached Pear and Glazed Turnip. Tom likes the flavors on the egg, but thinks it almost overwhelms the vegetables in the dish. Padma would like her egg slightly more cooked. Tom thinks the foie dish melds together perfectly in the mouth. Chiarello wishes there was a touch less sauce to let the foie sing out and be the “hero” of the dish.

Kevin’s vegetarian dish is a Roasted Beet and Carrot Salad with Carrot Top Puree and San Andreas Cheese, or, as I call it, a death salad. His meat dish is a Grass Fed Brisket with Pumpkin Polenta and Marinated Root Vegetable. Yummy. Gail thinks the colors on the death salad are strikingly beautiful. Padma says the seasoning is beautiful, and Chiarello also likes it. Gail digs the polenta, but Tom says that the beef has a tinny quality.

Jen’s vegetarian option is a Chevre Mousse with Honey Mushrooms, Braised Radishes, and Basil. Nom. Her protein is “The Whole Duck”: Roasted Duck Legs, Confit of Duck Breast, Squash Puree and Foie Gras Vinaigrette . She tells Padma that the sauce is “nice and unctuous – good for the baby.” I don’t know what this means – is something about foie good for the fetus? Is something about vinegar good for the fetus? Is there any way that whatever makes the sauce unctuous will keep the fetus from forcing Padma to make such tragic clothing choices?

The judges seem to think the vegetarian dish is oversalted, but Tom likes the composition, and Chiarello says it has “a foot in each season, which is what harvest is all about.” Tom says her duck is “very ducky,” and Chiarello appreciates the use of the entire duck.

Michael interviews that his service has gone better than he expected, and he thinks today is in the bag for him. Kevin interviews that someone really talented will be going home, so it’ll be interesting to see what happens. Commercial!

Back! Fakeback! The chefs go to a wine cave and meet Tony Terlato from the Terlato wine group. They get to taste some wines. It looks like fun, but it also makes for the least engaging fakeback ever. Well, except maybe that one with Leah and Hosea where they tried to convince us that writing on a person with Sharpie was a sign of sexual tension.

Really back! The chefs sit around a table drinking wine and cracking or twiddling their fingers. Pregnant space Padma calls them all back.

Judges’ Table. Padma tells them it’s been a wonderful season, and Tom compliments their professionalism, and Chiarello says they all showed respect and restraint.

Chiarello says that Kevin’s vegetarian dish was stellar, and Tom says that it was a study in simplicity, and while he’s sure that his competitors may look down on it (cough*Michael*cough), restraint goes a long way. Gail thought the beef looked beautiful, but it was “more tough” than she expected to be. He says that if it was too soft with the polenta under it, the dish would’ve been mush.

Gail tells Bryan his pasta dough was perfect, but Padma would’ve liked a bit more seasoning on the mushroom sauce. Chiarello was surprised at the level of flavor he got in such a short time. Gail says she saw the figgyness in the glaze, but couldn’t taste it.

Gail tells Michael that the texture of the vegetables was a little bit lost because of the brunoise cut, and Padma says the white of her egg was colorless and liquidy. Tom wonders why he didn’t pay more attention and make sure that didn’t happen. Tom enjoyed the foie dish, and Chiarello was surprised at how the elements came together. Gail says there was a lot of bitterness in the soup, and wishes they hadn’t run out of foie before the end of the broth.

Tom tells Jennifer her goat cheese was an interesting combination, and Chiarello says he’s never had basil and goat cheese together “as an herb and a cheese.” Really? Really, Michael Chiarello? What in hell does that mean? Have you a) never had basil and goat cheese together, which I REFUSE to believe? Or have you b) never had them “as an herb and a cheese?” And if that’s it, then what have you had them as? A liquid and a gas? A hat and a bra? A lover and a friend?

Anyway. Padma brings up the saltiness. Gail asks why she chose the duck, and Jen says use whole duck. Chiarello praises the duckiness again. Tom questions the switch from grilling to confit, and Jen explains, and says she would’ve preferred to grill it for the smokey flavor.

Padma dismisses them. Chiarello says every dish was right, and it’s a nuance of who made the bigger mistake.

Chiarello loved the goat cheese dish, and would love to see the duck dish as she conceived it. Gail says the foie vinaigrette was the best part but they didn’t get enough of it. Tom says you could see that she was still thinking the dish through and it never came together.

Backstage, Jen thanks her competitors for pushing her to go further and do better things.

Tom talks about how all the flavors of Michael’s foie dish came together, and Gail brings up the bitterness issue again. Tom says the egg wasn’t separated properly and was too big for the rest of the dish.

Gail fell in love with Bryan’s ravioli. Tom felt that overall it needed salt and pepper. Tom liked the short rib, but felt the fig got lost in the braising liquid. Chiarello thinks he delivered on two difficult dishes.

Tom says it takes huge amounts of nerve to make a dish out of two ingredients like Kevin did with his beet salad.

The chefs talk backstage about how two of them used the word “toothsome,” and Kevin jokes that toothsome is what you say when you know something isn’t tender, and you want to act like you’ve done it on purpose.

Speaking of. . .Tom says he liked the flavor on the beef dish, but still has problems with the texture. Commercial!

Back! Tom says that tonight’s challenge was to celebrate harvest and crush, and that they all lived up to their high expectations. He wishes they could all go through to the finale, but they can only bring three.

Chiarello says that the winner is. . .Bryan! Yay!!! He robotically interviews that he’s very excited, and feels really good about having not gone to elimination through the whole competition.

Tom tells the remaining three that they performed well but there was “something missing.” Kevin’s beef dish was a little stringy. Michael’s egg dish wasn’t great. Jennifer seemed scattered and she shouldn’t have let the fire die out, but her goat cheese was a little salty. He tells them again that it was a tough decision.

Padma tells. . .Jennifer to pack her knives and go. AUGH. Michael looks kind of sad. Kevin looks like he’s going to cry. It’s all very sweet.

She interviews that this experience has pushed her to become more creative. She hugs the other two and tells them she loves them.

Kevin is happy to be in the final three, but knows Bryan and Michael won’t play around.

Jen interviews that she wanted to win, but she’s happy that she’s ended up making a lot of really good friends. She says it’s hard to know you could’ve done better.

The boys all hug and congratulate each other.

Next: Pressure! There can be only one! Anxiety! Anyone’s game! It’s like a blind date you just don’t want to go on! You are Top Chef!

*And yes, I'm a member. Duh.

Fekakta

2009-12-03T09:53:00.000Z

. . .is the word of my morning. For one thing, the Bravo site is all fekakta. This is the only picture they have up: Kevin's vegetarian dish, which I've been calling "death salad" because it's basically a beet and some goop.

But that's it. No other dishes, no episode stills, and worst, no horribly misspelled food descriptions. So while I could fake and bake photos by ripping them from the preview videos like I've sometimes done in the past, the recap still says things like:

"Service! First is Kevin’s DISH. Chiarello likes the olive oil. Next is Michael’s DISH. Bryan has made a DISH. Nom. I’m rethinking Brussels sprouts lately because my cousin's horrible mother-in-law made some really good ones for Thanksgiving. Finally, Jen’s is a DISH."

And everywhere you see the word DISH is somewhere I was planning to pull the description of the food from the Bravo site, and then maybe make fun of the way they've misspelled Brussels Sprouts as Brusells Sprounds or something.

But all of that's beside the point because my head is also kind of fekakta. I had a little stuffy nose action last night, so I took some Nyquil, and I think I must've gotten a bad batch of Nyquil, because every time I've taken some lately I wake up seven hours later just tripping balls.

So on top of the difficulties I've just explained, we have the fact that I'm kind of hallucinating to the point where I can't really focus my brain enough to think of a good sollution to this problem.

Anyway. I'm going back to sleep for awhile, and maybe when I wake up there will be photos, or I will be sober enough to think of a work around for the fact that there still aren't.

In the meantime -- did anyone watch Launch My Line last night? What do you think? Is it worth my watching through my drugged haze at some point this morning, or will it just make me feel even more like I'm on bad shrooms than I do now?

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Syphilis

2009-11-25T07:40:00.001Z

I was walking home yesterday evening, thinking about everything I still have to do before Thanksgiving, and about how gross the weather had been, and about how I feel like I've wrenched something in my shoulder, and about how I still had to bring the trash bins in from the sidwalk. . .

. . .and all of the sudden I saw a familiar figure coming toward me. It was Insult Guy.

Except something was different.

It wasn't just that he wasn't wearing his shades, because it was dark out. And it wasn't because he was wearing a new-ish tan jacket (or at least a tan jacket I've never seen him in before).

As he approached, it got clearer.

He was gliding.

Insult Guy was gliding.

And as he glided past me, he nodded and said "A'ight," because he kind of gave up on insulting me after that one time I told him to have a nice day.

And I looked over my shoulder to figure out the mystery. Why was Insult Guy gliding? Is Insult Guy magic? Is Insult Guy an angel??

The truth, my friends, is so much better.

Insult Guy got hisself a skateboard.

A skateboard. And now he can glide around Columbia Heights insulting the people he still insults, telling them "yo' feets is broke. My wheels is fresh," or whatever he comes up with.

And that, my friends, is what I'm thankful for this year. That and, of course, another Thanksgiving without syphilis.

That's right, children! It's the fifth annual A Very Syphilitic Thanksgiving! Share it with those you love. Or some random midget on a skateboard.

In two days, we celebrate the day when some of my ancestors saved a bunch of damned New England WASPs from starvation, only to be thanked with the tremendous gifts of smallpox and Christianity.

I would like to tell you about the glory days of my people, when apparently they roamed the earth in wagons drawn by impossibly large turkeys. But since I’m only like 1/64th Native American, and hence not really credible when I try to pull off the bitter and disenfranchised routine, I thought I’d tell you a quite different story of Thanksgivings of yore.

On Thursday I'll make my usual Thanksgiving trip down to SoMD to see my redneck relatives. Five years ago, though, I made up a thoroughly implausible story involving a bereaved friend I’d promised to spend Thanksgiving with, and bailed on the whole thing. I made two pies (one pumpkin, one bourbon chocolate pecan), and glutted myself on wine and sausage stuffing at Megarita’s dinner.

The next morning, I woke up with red spots on my hands, feet, knees, and chest.

I’m allergic to very few things in life, but when I have a reaction, it tends to be serious and swift. So I knew from previous experience (with a Sulfa medicine in college) that the spots would soon be followed by nausea, dizziness, difficulty breathing, swelling of the throat, weakening of the joints, blurred vision, and collapsing in a heap in the bathroom. And I knew it was time for a visit to the hospital.

But. . .it was the day after Thanksgiving. Roommate was out of town. Peacock was out of town. Everyone I knew in the city was out of town. I called L and the Fauxiance. Both out of town. So I dressed myself quickly and dragged myself downstairs, planning to head for the train.

Fortunately, the Borg was there. "Yordan," he said, "how was jor Thanksgeeveeng?" Then he did a double take. "Ju have espots on ju."

I asked him to drive me to GW Hospital, and he said “jes.” So he dropped me off at the entrance to the emergency room, where I showed them my "espots." They quickly got me into a little curtained cubby, made me put on a paper gown, and there I sat, waiting.

And waiting.

And. . .waiting.

While I was waiting, I eavesdropped on the woman in the curtain next to me, who apparently had a “tree shaped rash.” “You probably have syphilis,” the doctor told her.

“I don’t have syphilis,” the woman replied.

“Everyone thinks they don’t have syphilis,” the doctor replied, condescendingly.

“No,” the woman said. “I know I don’t have syphilis. I just had a baby; they gave me a syphilis test when I found out I was pregnant. I don’t have syphilis.”

“Oh,” the doctor said, sounding disappointed.

Finally, a med student came in to see me, so in addition to being covered with spots, I now have the indignity of having a doctor younger than me for the first time in my life. His name was Henry, and he had “never seen anything like” my rash before. I tried to explain to him that I, in fact, had—on my own skin, anytime I had an allergic reaction to something.

Henry decided that an MA in English didn’t make me qualified to diagnose my own rash, and went to get his textbook so he could compare my rash to pictures of other rashes.

I waited. It’s probably meningitis, I thought to myself. Every time I’ve been sick in my life, since I was about three years old, people have thought it was meningitis. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the words “It’s either (insert totally benign condition here), or it’s meningitis” (The number of totally benign conditions which are apparently just like the initial stages of meningitis would blow your minds).

It’s never been meningitis yet (touch wood), which means that a) someday, it will be, and b) I now laugh every time a doctor says it might be meningitis—in both a bitter “maybe my number’s up” and a snide “the second time (and all subsequent times since I was three) it’s farce” kind of way.

Henry came back with the Attending, who had been the source of the dire warnings on the other side of the curtain earlier. “What do we have to think when we see a rash on the hands, feet, and knees?” she asked Henry.“Meningitis?” Henry said hopefully. I started laughing--life is so damned predictable sometimes.

The Attending looked at me disapprovingly—galled that anyone could find anything funny about meningitis. “No,” she said. “Syphilis.”

I stopped laughing. “I don’t have syphilis,” I told her.

“Everyone thinks they don’t have syphilis,” she replied condescendingly.

“No,” I told her, “I know everyone thinks they don’t have syphilis. I can’t have syphilis. I’m extremely sexually cautious. I get a full battery of STD tests every September when I go in for my annual, and I’ve only had one sexual partner in the last year. If I have syphilis,” I ended, tears beginning to well up “I am going to need to buy a gun and take the train out to Clarendon post-haste.”

“Test her for syphilis. And meningitis,” the Attending told Henry.

Henry waited until she walked off. “I know I shouldn’t be saying this,” he said, “but you don’t strike me as the sort of person who gets syphilis*.”

I sniffed. “You have good instincts, Henry. You’ll make an excellent doctor someday.”

So I waited some more, until the blood-tech came in to see me. He took my right arm, and found a vein almost right away, which is rare—it’s usually hard for people to find a vein in my right arm. “You’re very good at that,” I told him.

“Thanks,” he said, “it’s my first time.”

I shut my eyes. “You really shouldn’t have told me that,” I replied.

Moments later, he said “oops!” and explained that he’d blown my vein. So he walked off with about a gallon of my blood, and Henry came back and put my feet up, gave me juice, and explained that I had to stay awhile to make sure I wouldn’t pass out on my way home, and that I should call Monday for my blood results.

So I waited.

And waited.

I took Benadryl Friday night, and Saturday morning, the spots were gone. Monday I called the hospital, and they informed me that due to a backlog from the holiday, my bloodwork hadn’t been completed yet and I should call again Tuesday.

Tuesday I called again, and was transferred five or six times before a somewhat sheepish lab administrator explained to me that they’d lost my blood.

I gave him a few choice words about what I thought about a major teaching hospital that could misplace a gallon of blood that some untrained boy candy striper had blown a vein trying to draw.

He waited patiently and told me that I should contact my normal doctor so I could be tested for meningitis and syphilis.

"The rash is gone,” I told him. “It went away the next day. Plus, I looked up syphilis online, and it said that the rash for that would be copper colored. Mine was pink. And I was tested for meningitis when I had a cold earlier in the month. And the spots went away after I took Benadryl, so I think it was just an allergic reaction.”

He then told me in a few choice words what he thought about English teachers who tried to diagnose themselves by using the internets, and reiterated his belief that I should get tested.

So I went into Turtle U’s health center—where they cheerily informed me that they would do the tests for free since as a state employee, I could be a public health risk if I had either of these diseases. Woo-hoo! Talk about your unexpected benefits! My salary bites, but I can get free syph tests whenever I want to! Sign me up, baby! I need to start milking this!

And they drew another gallon of blood, and told me to come back in a week. Long story short (too late!) I didn’t have syphilis or meningitis. The doctors informed me that it had probably been an allergic reaction to something I ate at Thanksgiving.Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh wait. I did. The girl with the pink "espots" and the MA in English figured out what she had days before the staff of George Washington University Hospital or the State of Maryland’s Bureau of Public Health.

Ass bastards.

So Thursday, as you bow your heads and thank whatever higher power you struggle with your tenuous belief in for the bounty s/he has laid before you, take a moment to thank him/her for your health, and to ask him/her not to smite you with spots in the next few days.

Because let me tell you, the day after Thanksgiving, the emergency room staff of most major hospitals are just looking to tell you that you have something more exciting than allergic reaction. Which is exactly what it’ll end up being anyway.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Don’t get syphilis.

*what in hell does this mean, by the way? Does it mean I look like a nice non-skanky girl, or someone who can’t get laid? I guess both have been true at various points. . .

Things I thought about this weekend

2009-11-23T07:40:00.000Z

* As much as I love YA literature, and vampires, and bad books and movies, I will never see or read Twilight or any of the sequels. This is because most of the women my age who hate them seem a little bit angry while all of the women my age who love them seem a whole lot sad.

* I really wanted to post that as my facebook status for like the last ten days, but I would've been de-friended by all the stay-at-home-mom "Team Edward" Twi-hards I went to high school and college with.

* Dear Douchebag on Metro: oops, sorry -- did I "accidentally" kick you in the shin with my spiky, spiky heel? Well, maybe you'll think about that the next time a lady says "excuse me" five times and you still fail to stop blocking the fucking door.

* My aunt called on Saturday to see if I was coming for Thanksgiving. "Not to complain, but I'm going to complain," she said in her sweet li'l accent, and then launched into a litany of complaints about how my cousin's wife never tells her anything. Ah, the holidays are starting early.

* I really don't understand how some celebrities get their own perfumes or colognes. I've thought about this before -- like when Britney Spears was at the height of her trainwreckiness and I wondered why anyone would want to smell like a combination of Nyquil, Cheetos, and baby vomit -- but it occurred to me again at the gym this weekend when I saw an ad for Derek Jeter's cologne.

I mean, Derek Jeter is an excellent athlete, but realistically? He's an athlete. Most of the time during the season, he probably smells like a combination of leather and cup sweat.

And I know that a lot of people think he's sexy, but honestly, that does not always equate with smelling good. I think Don Draper is sexy, but if you try to sell me Don Draper cologne, I'm immediately expecting it to smell like nicotine, musty tweed, and some whore.

* Note to dudes: if a lady expresses an interest in going to a particular bar/restaurant, and then said place is a wee bit crowded when you get there, you go anyway. You don't make her go on some sort of Bataan Death March up and down 7th street looking for somewhere that's less crowded. Especially if your list of places that might be less crowded is comprised entirely of places that are never not crowded (e.g. Oyamel, Jaleo, Matchbox, Zaytinya. . .). Especially if it's a Friday night. Especially if she's wearing heels. Especially if there's a hockey game.

Unless, that is, you are secretly teaching a seminar in "How Not to Get Laid, Ever," and your actions are being filmed by secret hidden camera and broadcast to your students. Because if that's the case, you're doing a great job, chief. Keep it up. They'll learn everything they ever wanted to know about pissing a woman off and making sure she doesn't return your calls. Which there will be several of over the next two days (that's the next lesson!).

Project Runway: Finale, finally.

2009-11-20T09:45:00.001Z

Maybe with a win
Irina will be less mean-a
At least it’s over.

So here’s the silver lining to all this: Irina’s model Kaylyn is adorable, and now she’s a winner too! Yay, Kaylyn!!

As for the rest of it. . . .I don’t know. Is it really worth saying anything? Has that ever stopped me in the past?

Irina was the best winner out of an absolutely mediocre bunch. I say this despite – no, actually, I say this because of– the fact that everyone I know was rooting for Carol Hannah, not because she was the best designer but because she was the only one of them any of us could stand in terms of perceived personality.

That's how you know that the show's hit the skids -- when the talent level is so low that the best thing you can do is root for the nicest person.

Irina’s collection had vision and ideas. It wasn’t the most original vision, and they weren’t always her own ideas, but at least they were there. Carol Hannah had a random hodge podge of pretty dresses and adequate dress-influenced separates. And Althea’s looked like she spent her $9000 budget buying stuff out of the sale section at The Limited.

Further, it’s the best outcome for us as voyeurs too. I mean, if Irina had lost, they could’ve swept the whole t-shirt gate scandal under the rug. Is there anyway they can’t address it now? They just awarded the season 6 crown to someone who’s not just the best out of a mediocre bunch, but a cheater? What have you got to say about that, Heidi?

Delicious.

Any way. All we can ask for now is that we get this season behind us as quickly as possible so we can move on to Season 7, which will hopefully correct the show’s tailspin. I don’t know if there’s a Season 8 in this thing if they don’t.

So let’s just get started so we can get our closure and move on. Brace yourself – I actually say some semi-nice things about Althea. Also, we had a huge fucking storm last night, so there are a couple of places where I have no idea what people said because the audio to the TV kept cutting out a couple of times, and people were freaking out because it was pouring like fucking Noah outside.

Morning! Project Runway Product Placement Grand Hyatt Hotel suite. With two days to go before Bryant Park, Carol Hannah swigs some sort of. . . something while Irina and Althea eat breakfast. I’m assuming whatever she’s swigging is medicinal, because the voice overs during this time are about her continuing illness, and she does look like a freaking wreck.

Workroom. Logan gives Carol Hannah a big hug and interviews that he’s proud of her. Gordana interviews that she’s under a lot of stress and isn’t “100% cool like she normally is.” No one interviews about Althea.

We cut to a corner where Carol Hannah is sobbing incoherently because she feels so awful – and, I assume, because she keeps throwing up, because there seem to be some gagging noises mixed in with the sobs. Oh, god, I remember the last time I was that sick – when you’re so miserable and so exhausted that your physical pain just breaks you emotionally. Christopher hugs her and she weeps “this is not how it’s supposed to go.” Christopher interviews that he’s glad he can be there for her. Frankly, at this point I think they should call up two more auffed contestants – let’s say Epperson and Shirin – and make them help her out too because that girl should be lying in bed while Tim Gunn fetches her soup and orange juice.

They go for their makeup consults with Collier Strong and their hair consult with some dude from Garnier. Irina has a bunch of felt military hats and has Collier doing a streaky dark look on their eyes. Althea asks for a smudged look, while Carol Hannah looks for soft and pretty.

The hair consult is just more of the same, except that Althea and the hair guy decide to use a headband on all the models to create a uniform look. Now. . . for the most part, I don’t think Althea is consciously copying Irina. But this is the one case where it looks really shifty – Irina comes in with a bunch of hats to give her models a connected, uniform look; Althea ends up using a bunch of headbands to give her models a connected, uniform look. Irina’s been showing those hats off to anyone who’ll listen since they got to New York. It can’t help but look like a knock off, and a bad one at that.

Back to the workroom where the models show up for their fitting, and nothing important happens except that Althea mumbles through some pins about how important a good fit is for her clothes. This is less important than it is hilarious since almost nothing she made all season fit her models’ bust properly at all.

Tim thru! He starts with Irina, who shows him her 13th look, which is kind of a black hooker dress. Tim thinks it’s beautiful. Whatever, Tim. They talk hair and make up.

He moves on to Althea, who bucktooths at him about her nerves and shows him her 13th look –tan pants with a black jacket. I’ll give her this much – it’s one of the few things in the collection that shows any sort of Sci Fi influence, because it has kind of a Romulan thing going on at the shoulders. Tim thinks the shoulders are a little ‘80’s.

Faltering, she explains her hair and make up concept to him. Tim’s reaction to her explanation is that it “sounds like what Althea said.”

HA. Irina whispers “that’s Althea.”

Ok, brace yourselves: I’m about to stand up for Althea. I don’t think she’s copying Irina consciously. Except for the headband thing, I don’t even think she’s copying Irina unconsciously. And she’s certainly not ripping off Irina the way Irina ripped off New York Magazine, so I don’t know where Irina gets off talking.

I do, however, think that both Irina and Althea are incredibly derivative, and that they are both deriving from the same influences and trends, and that Irina has a) a more distinct way of injecting those influences with her own eye and coloring them with her own touches, and b) such a hugely superior skill set that her stuff can’t help looking like the better/ "real" product.

But it’s not like the difference between an actual Prada and the "Pradda" you buy from the guy on the street, because neither of them is even remotely an original product. It’s more like the difference between Banana Republic and Old Navy – both of them are making done and done again standards, but one of them is doing it in a way that looks expensive while the other. . . .looks like knockoffs.

Anyway, Althea cries. Whatever, Althea.

Tim moves on to Carol Hannah, whose 13th look is a teal Grecian gown. Tim seems to like it. On his way out the door, he reminds him that they have until midnight tonight and 5 p.m. tomorrow.

Sewing flurry!

And suddenly we’ve fast forwarded and there’s only one day to the runway. At the hotel, Irina asks if Carol Hannah is better. Carol Hannah says she is, but interviews that she’s trying to do a mind over matter thing.

Workroom. Irina feels like she has to work fast. Thank you, Comrade Obvious. Carol Hannah wants to finish as much as she can of the last look.

The models enter. Irina talks about the importance of choosing what she puts Kaylyn in, since she’ll be in front of the judges for awhile. She decides to risk it all and put her in the 13th look.

Commercial!

Back! Carol Hannah is feeling better. Althea jokingly forbids Logan from taking lunch and bathroom breaks.

Tim Gunn enters for what seems like no purpose other than telling them to go back to the Grand Hyatt, and thereby working another use of the words “Grand Hyatt” into the show. He also says “can you believe what’s happening? You are going to Bryant Park!” I get the feeling that Tim is saying this mostly because he can’t believe this batch of more or less competent hacks are going to Bryant Park.

Irina makes Gordana start packing stuff up. She interviews that she’s nervous she’s missed or forgotten something. They hit this so hard that it seems like foreshadowing. It’s not.

Hyatt. 3:14 a.m. Althea talks about how early they have to get up. For some ungodly, unknown reason, she and Carol Hannah appear to be wearing prom dresses.

They go to the tents, which Althea calls “a little intimidating” and Carol Hannah calls “surreal.”

Two hours! Fashion! Hair! Make up!

Thirty minutes! Heidi, Nina, and Kors enter.

Tim Gunn is back stage freaking out. “I am about to lose it! We should be lining up by now and we can’t because only 10% of you are dressed!”

Althea interviews that if Tim is losing it, things must be bad. At this point, the other lady in the living room specifically asks me to mention how horrible Althea’s extensions are. The sad part is I don’t think those are extensions – I think her hair has just been so overprocessed and subjected to so many cheap treatments that her actual hair looks like cheap extensions. Anyway. Commercial!

Back! Two minutes! Everyone is sitting in the audience. Tim is unhappy.

Heidi walks down the runway and introduces the judges – Kors, Nina, and Fashion Editor of the International Herald Tribune, Suzy Menkes.

And then it’s time to start the show, and Althea comes out looking kind of high and unshowered to introduce her collection. Interestingly, Tim Gunn revealed that these intros had to be taped beforehand and then edited in later because the actual shows were done blind to protect the identities of the finalists since there was such a long, lawsuit related lag between the taping date and the airing of the series. I assume they had to do something similar for the final walk around where the designers come out with the models.

Anyway, she says that her collection is a piece of her soul, and was inspired by 50’s and 60’s sci fi. Her looks are:

1. Beige sweater with black pleather pants (right) that looks very Irina (or, as one of the gays calls it, “Squidward.”
2. Black dress
3. Beige Pants with an ‘80’s jacket (13th look)
4. A white pantsuit with a stained looking top.
5. A black Capri pantsuit with a loose jacket
6. A black sweater coat with no top under it and grey tights.
7. A hideously ugly green tank top with tragic high waisted pleather pants
8. A Flashdance sweater with a leather mini
9. A green dress with a black jacket (left). This is the best piece in the collection.
10. A grey skirt with another of her gross Saturday Night Fever disco tops, this time in silver and with what one of our party refers to as “sideways boob.”
11. Jaslene in a horrifying draped grey mini dress.
12. A weird asymmetrical dress
13. A very fitted camel dress on Tanisha.

Heidi either has a shocked and horrified look on her face, or got it lifted way to freaking tight. One of the gays says that everything in Althea’s collection looks like stuff you could buy at Marshalls. Althea’s dad is still adorable.

Carol Hannah comes out next, and says it’s been a wild and crazy ride. She thanks her family and friends. Her collection is:
1. A pretty, very structural champagne dress with black trim (left).
2. A black top with a pouf skirt.
3. A matronly purple top with black pants.
4. A ploofy black dress –it’s got the same sort of architectural prettiness that the first dress (and a lot of Leanne’s work) did
5. A purple gown
6. A black cocktail gown with some fleurchons moving across the body.
7. The platinum colored inverted ballerina dress we’ve seen.
8. A huge silver top with black pants.
9. Amanda from every Project Runway since season 3 in the teal dress (13th look)
10. A gold cocktail dress
11. Black shorts with a fun teal Red Riding Hood cape
12. A grey dress with kind of a Tina Turner look to it (right) –it’s my favorite thing in any collection this season.
13. Lisa in a champagne colored gown.

Finally, Irina comes out ans says that her collection is about New York and what it takes to survive here as a woman. Her looks:

1. A black jacket with a kind of armor look and pants
2. A black jacket with a high velvet collar and pants
3. A black top with a deep square neckline and pants
4. A black head-eating sweater coat and pants
5. A beige hooded sweater and black leggings
6. A fur vest and black leggings
7. Kaylyn in the 13th look dress (left), which has kind of a tiered, structural body over an armor-look top. It’s hot, and in a way less whorey way than it looked like on the dummy.
8. A grey wrap coat over one of the notorious t-shirts and black shorts.
9. A luxe looking black coat.
10. A grey sweater with vented sleeves over the most notorious t-shirt and shredded pants (right).
11. A black pouf sleeved sweater and shredded pants
12. My notes here just say “black,” but it’s a black tank top or dress over leggings.
13. A black gown that looks kind of out of place

The guests and aufed designers give their feedback, which is bullshit as usual and only interesting in that some of the guests are trying to talk around not knowing the designers’ names since the collections were shown blind. Also, Shirin is still adorable, but what the hell has happened to Ari Fish? Her make up so bizarre that every time they cut to her in the audience, I thought it must be some famous drag queen I wasn’t hip enough to know about.

Commercial! We take a straw poll in the living room to see what we think will happen.

No one thinks Althea will win, three people think Carol Hannah will win, and 8 think Irina will win. Further, no one wants Althea to win, while 6 people want Carol Hannah to win, and 4.5 people want Irina to win. Finally, no one would wear Althea’s clothes, while 6 people would wear Carol Hannah’s and 4 would wear Irina’s.

Two of us are still voting for Laura to win, and one opts for Daniel V.

Back! Heidi tells the other judges that it was a really great show and she’s really impressed.

Michael and Nina give her incredibly stank faces, like they can’t believe she stuck them with this pack of losers, and they’ll never make the mistake of leaving her alone for most of a season again.

Suzy Menkes says that all three of them had strong ideas. Suzy Menkes is high. Michael says the knitwear was fabulous.

They bring out the designers. Heidi congratulates them for making it this far, and the models enter.

Irina talks about her shielding the woman to go out in the world thing, and how New York takes a tough woman to survive. Michael informs her that “we’ve seen a lot of the warrior woman,” and one can only assume he’s thinking of much stronger warrior woman collections, like Jillian’s and Christian’s.

Suzy says it was a very coherent collection, and Heidi adds that it looked finished. Well, Jesus, Heidi. She’s showing at Bryant fucking Park with months to prepare, not walking down the runway at Parsons with three hours to make a look. If “finished” qualifies as praise, you might as well just shoot all three designers right now and burn the tape from this season so no one ever sees it.

Nina thinks the t-shirts are “refreshing” because it’s like “seeing you.” Actually, it’s like seeing an article from New York magazine, but whatever. Heidi defaults to her “I would wear that” criteria of the whole season by saying she’d like to own a lot of the pieces.

Let's pause for a moment and consider some of the disasters Heidi has worn this season. Again we ask ourselves -- is this really a compliment?

Nina asks about all the black, and Irina says it was “intuitive.”

Moving to Carol Hannah, she explains that she wanted to play with volume and draping. Nina says she loved the first look, and found the collection very spirited. She liked the way Carol Hannah worked with difficult fabrics.

Heidi loved the 13th look, and Suzy asks about the “upturned pyramid dress,” which I’ve been calling the inverted platinum ballerina look.

Heidi says that the collection didn’t really look cohesive. Kors says that the drapery was her strong suit.

Moving to Althea. She babbles something about the political tone and talk of the future. Kors applauds her for doing sportswear, and says the collection works as pieces.

Nina loves the green dress, and says it added a splash of color to the collection. I’m so thrilled that Nina and I have the same test. Conversely, Heidi says she liked the grey skirt with the disco top, which causes me to scream out “are you insane, you tacky bitch?”

Suzy doesn’t think it matched up with the futuristic theme. At this point, the lightening storm really kicks in outside, and we start periodically losing sound. This causes everyone to scream in terror – some from the lightening and some from the idea that we’ll miss something important. I won’t name names. But anyway, the overall effect is that not only do I not hear the part where the sound cuts out, I also don’t hear what immediately follows it because of all the screaming.

Anyway, Nina says that some things felt like parts of another show, but Heidi praises her 13th look. They send the designers away so they can deliberate.

Starting with Carol Hannah, Kors thought the opening dress was exciting and photographic, and that it “has design,” whatever the fuck that means. Suzy says something that’s lost to weather and screaming. Kors follows up with the idea that while Carol Hannah didn’t play with color enough, but she had more color than the others. Heidi compliments her impeccable tailoring.

Moving to Althea, Nina sys there was a sense of coolness, and that Althea translates “what’s going on in the street. “ Kors agrees that she’s “very plugged into the street.” All this talk of “the street” makes me wish Nina and Michael could have seen the whorey shit she made during the season.

Heidi says that the “blue suit” is what Althea is all about. The blue suit is apparently the Capri pantsuit. Kors says that her collection looked like an “assemblage” rather than a coherent story. Suzy says something about the clothes, which she pronounces “clews,” and the rest is lost to screaming and weather.

Note: God must hate this Suzy person to keep sending the lightening during her comments.

Finally, Heidi says that Irina’s collection was well made, and Kors says that she had the best sense of showmanship. God lets Suzy get a word in edgewise for once, because she says she liked the idea of protective clothing.

Heidi says color would be nice, and Kors says that parts of it felt “lost” but she was smart to soften it up with the t-shirts because the rest of the collection had an ominous feel. Nina agrees that they add layers and intimacy. Layers of cheating and copyright violation. Kors didn’t like the fact that she felt obligated to end with a gown.

Heidi says “so we’ve reached a decision?” and Kors almost whispers “I think so,” like he can’t believe he’s been forced to choose out of this parade of mediocrity.

Commercial! Oh, look – the commercial is for the next season of Project Runway, coming in January of 2010 and emphasizing the fact that Nina and Michael will be there, because they want us to forget that this shitfest ever happened.

Back! Heidi tells Irina that she paid attention to details and that they loved her collection, but it lacked color. Althea gets told that she has an amazing ability to translate what’s happening on the street, and that while she aimed for the future she didn’t get there. But she did provide modern staples.

“Which you could buy at Marshalls,” one of the gays reminds us.

Finally, Heidi says Carol Hannah was the best with color, and while they admired her strength and energy, but that her collection lacked cohesiveness. Carol Hannah is out. She gives a tearful exit interview which I, sadly, don’t hear any of because of the sound problems and the yelling, which is this time not because of the lightening but because all the gays are furious that Carol Hannah went out first.

Back on the runway, everyone looks pissed off. Heidi says congratulations to. . . Irina! She cries. Kors tells her her collection was spectacular. Suzy says “great job,” and Nina squeezes out a tight “congratulations.”

Althea leaves, interviewing that she feels good because she made friends and got some great advice. Lame.

Tim hugs Irina gingerly. She interviews that she’s proud of herself, and then there are awkward moments where she talks about how maybe her father will take her seriously now. Oh, Jesus.

Anyway, it’s finally over, and now we can try to forget it. On to Season 7.

Top Chef: J' Bocuse!*

2009-11-19T07:17:00.000Z

Eli’s fatty lamb
Keeps him out of final four
Goodbye, snarky pup.

I went back and forth on Eli. I started out liking him a lot, and thinking that in real life, we’d probably be friends. But then the whole “Robin sucks and is awful” thing went on so long, and he was at the center of so much of it, and it just made him come across as really, ridiculously immature, and possessed of toxic amounts of that sort of casual ageism and sexism that so many guys in their twenties seem to have.

With Robin gone this week, my personal pendulum swung back in Eli’s favor, which I think indicates how high a percentage of his air time the editors were dedicating to anti-Robin screeds. We’ve seen a lot of negativity from him in the last few weeks, and all specifically directed towards one person. With her gone, we got to seem more generalized, harmless snarkiness.

Oh, and more of his food, which is pretty damn important since this is a cooking competition and all.

Anyway, we’ve now arrived at a Final Four that most people predicted six weeks ago, and then spent the last five weeks slowly backing off their predictions of as Jen went into a tail spin (I would like to point out that I was NOT one of these people. Jen made me plenty nervous at times, but I never stopped believing in her).

And I’m glad. I like the Voltaggio brothers, both in a “they’re talented chefs” way and an “I want to lick them “ way. I heart Kevin because he lives in a tree trunk and makes awesome food which frequently involves bacon. And I adore Jen, because she’s ballsy and talented and she works for my secret baby daddy Eric Ripert. And also, she’s very attractive, and I want her and Michael to have genetically perfect chef babies together.

So I started wondering: is this the first time I’ve liked EVERYONE going into the finale? And the truth is. . . pretty much. I was ok-ish with everyone in Project Runway Season 4 – Rami’s draping had driven me ‘round the bend by that point, and Christian’s fame whoring personality shredded my nerves raw, but they also both had their endearing moments. And the other close call is Top Chef Season 3. While I wasn’t rooting for Hung, I never had the issues with him that the rest of the world seemed to. Actually, my bigger problem with that final four was Brian Malarkey, who always seemed seriously unbalanced in a potentially dangerous way. He wasn't awful -- he just wasn't a dude I'd want to hang out with in a setting where there were so many knives around.

But every other season of both shows, there’s been a Wendy, or a Jeffery, or a Tiffani, or a Lisa, or an Althea, or a bloody goddamn Kenley, or a fucking Hosea, or an everyone in the finales for both Project Runway Season 2 and Top Chef Season 2. (Hm . .. what is it about Season 2. . .?)

What do you do when you like everyone? What do you do when there’s no one to root against? If four chefs cook in Napa and there’s no one I despise, does it make a sound?

We’ll find out soon enough, pets.

Morning! Top Chef Vegas luxury cheftestant compound! Bryan reflects that this is the last challenge in Vegas, and talks about concerns about money and the fact that his restaurant is slower since he's been away. Kevin puts a rosary around his neck -- which kind of bugs me. It’s not jewelry, folks. But at least he keeps it tucked inside his shirt, so it's not technically sacrelige – and talks about his wife Eli talks about how Richard Blais is his mentor (aw) and how he was best man at his wedding (awwwwwww) and how he wants to win it for both of them. “It’s sort of a ‘my name is Indigo Montoya, you killed my father prepare to die’ situation,” he says.

Minus ten points for saying Indigo. It’s Inigo, folks. He's a Spanish swordsman, not one of Rainbow Brite's Color Kids.

Jen reflects on how she’s become unfocused in the recent challenges, and hasn’t performed to her own expectations.

At the M, Padma is waiting with a really short guy. Ok, maybe it’s not so much that he’s a really short guy as that he’s standing next to Padma, who’s a model and therefore a towering. . .5’9”. Um, ok, he’s a really short guy. Anyway, it’s Gavin Kaysen. Padma counts to five and tells them that out of all the chefs we started with, they’re the only ones left, and only four will go on to the finale in Napa.

Padma tells them that Gavin is there because he represented America in the Bocuse d’Or, which is kind of like the Olympics of cooking.

Quickfire! Gavin tells them that for the Bocuse, he did a Chicken Ballotine with crayfish in the middle. He makes a point of telling them that it took him four months to figure out how to make this dish. This is relevant because the top chefs get to make their version of it in 90 minutes.

AWESOME.

Jen jokes that since a ballotine is a protein inside a protein inside a protein, she’s going to make a turducken. I think it’s a joke. I hope it’s a joke. It’s a joke, right Jen? RIGHT???

Padma says the winner will have a significant advantage in the elimination.

Food flurry! Kevin thinks that the Voltaggios are taking unwise risks. Eli is making some sort of Scotch Egg thing. Kevin says he and Eli are the ballsiest people left because they’re making home style cooking for Top Chef.

Jen is making seafood because that’s her strength. Michael talks about how Jen has fallen off as the competition went along, and says “at this point in the competition, I don’t think there’s a whole lot left for her to do.”

Oh, crafty Bravo editors. I smell a Jen comeback! Time!

They begin with Eli’s Bacon-Crusted Breakfast Sausafe with a Six-Minute Egg Center. I don’t know what a “Sausafe” is, Bravo. Is that like a sausage that won’t give you a heart attack or something? Augh. Next is Michael’s “Poultry Terrine" Chicken with Turkey & Bacon Mousseline. Then we have Jen’s Calamari Steak, Scallops, Salmon, Shiitake, Shiso with Rice Noodle Salad. Gavin asks “why did you choose seafood?” and Jen says it’s because seafood is her stronger point. “Welcome back,” Padma says slyly. Jen says she feels relieved to hear that.

Bryan has made a Rack of Lamb & Merguez Sausage Wrapped in Caul Fat. Kevin’s dish is a Cormeal-Fried Fillet of Catfish with Scallop & Shrimp. "Cormeal" is like cornmeal, but. . .with less n's in it. Dammit, Bravo. Why do you do this to me? Bryan interviews that Kevin has less finesse, but “simplicity’s ok if it’s done correct.” Grammar is also ok, Bryan, if it’s done correctly.

Gavin gives his reactions. He felt like Kevin’s catfish was a little overcooked, and the breading dried it out. He liked Bryan’s lamb tenderloin. Eli’s concept was great for a brunch menu. He expected Jennifer’s to be tough, but it was very successful. Michael’s was a little more of a terrine rather than a Ballotine.

Michael doesn’t understand where the criticism is coming from, because “he didn’t say make a ballotine.” Erm. . . . he kind of did, Michael. Didn’t he? Did I hallucinate that part, or weren’t those the rules? Michael assures us that if he had made a ballotine, it would’ve been at least as good as the one Gavin made for the Bocuse d’Or. Michael is being edited to look like a bigger ass than usual this week. They must want him to be the villain of the finale.

Gavin says that the chef who reminded him of something that could’ve been in the Bocuse d’Or is. . .Jennifer!!! Yaay!!! She interviews that being back on top has given her a boost.

For their Elimination Challenge, they’ll participate in a Top Chef version of the Bocuse d’Or. They’ll each prepare a presentation platter with one protein and two garnishes. The garnishes should show technique – the example that Gavin gives is that if they’re making zucchini, they should weave the zucchini into a basket and put something inside it.

They have a choice of lamb or salmon for their protein, and must use a traditional Bocuse d’Or mirrored platter to present to the judges.

Tomorrow, they’ll have 4 hours to cook at the Alex restaurant at the Wynn. As the quickfire winner, Jennifer gets an extra 30 minutes. She laughs that she needs it because she’s slower than the guys.

They’ll be cooking for 12 judges, including representatives of the American Advisory board of the Bocuse d’Or. . . and Thomas Keller.

SQUEEEEEE!!!!!! Kevin interviews that the French Laundry book changed his life.

The criteria for the challenge is taste, creativity, and execution. Their dish should be perfect on all these counts.

Bryan says that they’re cooking for some incredible palates, and it’s going to be hard to present something they can’t find flaw in. Commercial!

Back! Whole Foods! They have . . . .I don’t know how much money, because for the second week in a row, Bravo’s not showing us. Way to go, Bravo. Kevin has no plan at this point, except that he’s cooking lamb. Eli asks “what are you going to do tomorrow chef?” and Kevin replies “I don’t know—pack a fucking suitcase?”

Jen is shown checking out. She’s apparently spent around $225, and she seems shocked by this. . .but we’re not told whether she’s shocked because she’s over or under or what. Again –kudos on that one, Bravo.

Back at the compound. Bryan interviews that they need to start planning their dishes, but Michael goes directly to bed. The others gather in the living room and watch a Bocuse d’Or DVD. Um. . . NERDS.

Kevin asks Bryan for some sous vide-ing advice so that his lamb comes out consistently. Bryan tells him because he feels like shutting Kevin down when Bryan clearly knows the answer would make him “more of a prick.” He speculates Michael might not feel the same way about giving advice to a competitor. They are really working this battling brothers shit for all it’s worth.

Next day! Alex! 4 hours to cook! Eli interviews that the atmosphere in the kitchen is intense.

Tom thru! Ok, not so much a Tom thru as a Tom appearance. I miss the Tom thru so much. We’ve been seriously Tom thru deprived this season.

Anyway, Tom enters with Thomas Keller, who is like three feet taller than Tom. What is it with the disparate heights this episode? Keller gives them a reassuring pep talk, and Tom says they wouldn’t have sprung this on them if they didn’t think they could handle it.

Food flurry! Michael interviews that he’s confident because he’s done some culinary competitions in the past, and adds that he chose salmon because it requires more finesse. Jen interviews that cooking for Thomas Keller is nerve wracking. Bryan says that his biggest concern is the braise. Kevin hopes he’s picked the appropriate technique . Michael interviews that Kevin’s food is consistently good but “nothing too elaborate. The food that Kevin cooks is the food that I cook on my day off.”

So to review, the three themes of this episode are: Kevin makes simple food. The brothers are rivals. Michael is kind of a dick.

REAL Tom thru. Yay! He visits Bryan who’s braising a shank and laughing nervously. He then moves on to Kevin, who explains his sous vide approach as an attempt to do something different and achieve a “subtle and clean kind of flavor” and Tom says “that’s kind of a very different approach than you usually take.”

Damn, Tom. That feels like a bit of a dig there.

He moves over to Michael, who is prepping a salmon with Mediterranean flavors. Jen is cooking some salmon and caviar, and seems to have a lot of her confidence back. She’s not beet red for once, that’s for sure. Eli is making lamb sausage, and is trying to “do things that I normally do, and make ‘em small and sexy and tight.”

Tom interviews that he’s not sure why Kevin is doing something so off his game. He also says that Jen seems nervous. Tom and I may not have watched the same footage just then. Eli needs to pay attention to the details, because those are what separate a good dish from a great dish.

Tom tells them that there’s another surprise with this challenge--the winner will receive $30K.

Bryan laughs nervously. We hear a lot of Bryan’s nervous laugh this episode. It’s not attractive. Jen interviews that “I think all of us are having small heart attacks right now.”

Commercial!

Back! The judges and guests enter a gorgeous dining room. We cut back to the kitchen, where Michael asks Bryan to pull his fish out of the water. Bryan does. Jen interviews that Michael is the only one who’s done any competition of this sort before.

Six minutes left! Kevin interviews that he’s not going to do elaborate presentation, he’s going to go for complex flavor in a simple package.

He enters the dining room and presents his dish to a room full of rapidly named famous faces, including Jerome Bocuse, son of Paul Bocuse who started the Bocuse d’Or, and Daniel Boulud.

At this point I scream “BOOOOOOOOOOH – LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!” and thrust my fists into the air.

The gatekeeper to the Emerald City is back, baby!

Kevin presents his Poached Lamb Loin, Sherry-Glazed Beet & Asparagus in Sunchoke Cream, and tops the dish with peppered lamb jus. He says he chose lamb over salmon for sustainability reasons. The judges raise some eyebrows, and Tom asks if it came from a sustainable farm. Kevin says it did.

He leaves and they eat. Tom says he can really taste the chard. Boulud likes the lightness of the garnish with the asparagus and sun choke, but Keller thinks it’s a little elementary given the amount of time he had.

Michael is in the kitchen prepping and sweating. I’m serious—it’s like Howie from season 3 level sweating going on. Somehow, he carries it off a little better than Howie did. He carries out his giant mirrored tray and presents his Salmon with Cauliflower Chickpea Tart & Zucchini Tzatziki. Traci des Jardins thought it was a pretty, but disparate and the Mediterranean theme was a bust. Alex Stratta finds a bone in his fish. Boulud says he had a total lack of harmony in his composition. Ooooh. . . Michael is totally exiled from the Emerald City.

Back in the kitchen, Bryan is freaking. Jen offers to help, because she has the extra half hour. She says she’s worried for Bryan. I heart Jen. Actually, I heart all of these guys, despite Michael and Eli’s occasional dickishness, and Bryan’s android-like qualities, and Jen’s nosedive, and Kevin’s wearing of a rosary around his neck. Anyway, Bryan walks his dish out to the dining room and says that he can see his mistakes as he looks at the platter.

He presents his Crusted Lamb Loin, Lamb Shank Crepinette & Orzo Au Gratin. Oh, yum—I want the orzo. Bocuse liked the plating. Keller was impressed with the platter, but the lamb was undercooked. des Jardins thinks he ran out of time. Timothy Hollingsworth thinks his demeanor shows that he’s knowledgeable about food, even if this dish is a bit off.

Eli says his food doesn’t have the precision he’d wanted, but he plans on carving tableside. He presents his Sausage Wrapped Lamb Loin, Carrot Puree & Tomato-Piquillo Canape. Eli wraps a lot of things in sausage. This is one of his best qualities.

Everyone giggles about the cut on the lamb, and Bocuse says it’s so undercooked that “you can clearly feel the raw fat of the lamb.” Oh, BURF. Padma thought his foam was more flavorful than Michael’s tztatziki. Boulud thinks he had good ideas, but failed on presentation.

Jen thinks her salmon is 98% there rather than being 100%, and knows that with these judges, that difference is critical. Her dish is a Salmon & Caviar, Shrimp Flan & Truffle, Celery Root & Shiitake. Traci des Jardins says it tastes good, but it’s not well thought out. Her portion of salmon is undercooked, but everyone else likes it. Keller likes the custard with the shrimp, but Boulud’s is undercooked. Gavin feels like “the vision of this dish is at a dead end,” and that the other chefs could’ve done more with the extra time. Padma says Jen’s plate was the most visually intriguing.

Boulud invites them to raise their glasses to Bocuse’s dad. Aw, it’s like the knights of the Mushroom Kingdom’s round table. Let’s pause for a minute and reflect one last time on how freaking cute Daniel Boulud is:
Squee! He’s got a cuteness factor of like 6 puppies to begin with, and the glasses double that.

Gail says that she’s impressed with what the chefs have accomplished in such a limited time. I get the feeling that if you read the judges’ blogs, this is going to be one of those late in the game episodes where they were actually fairly happy with a lot of the plates, but the show has been edited to make them look like disasters just to up the tension.

The chefs come out and everyone claps. Padma thanks them, and tells them there’s one more surprise. Keller announces that one of them will be awarded a spot to compete for the 2011 Bocuse d’Or at Lyons. Ho-leeeeeeeeeeee shit. Ok, it's not clear from the way they phrase it, but I get the impression that they're competing for the USA's spot, not that they're just handing them the USA's spot? Because that would be terrifically unfair.

Kevin interviews that it would be an “honor to represent my country, but it would scare the ever living shit out of me too.”

The chefs go back and clean the kitchen, and Bryan reflects that it could be the last time they cook together. Michael says he hasn’t spent this much time with his brother in years, and he’s proud of everything they’ve done together. Kevin interviews that whatever happens, none of them should walk away from this challenge ashamed. Commercial!

Back! Oh, fake back. Stew room. They all sit around and Bryan says they should all be proud because they’ve cooked for the best chefs in the world. Kevin says it sounds stupid, but he’d be proud to lose to any of them. Jen reflects on how close the five of them have gotten, and Eli says “I love you guys” in a Cartman voice.

Presh. I really do like all of them.

Guys, what are we going to do with a finale where I don’t hate someone? How does this even work? If I try to recap this show without a target for my uncontrolled vitriol, will it even make sense, or will it just come out like a huge puddle of rainbow scented love vomit with bunnies in it?

Back! Padma enters the stew room and invites them all back to judges’ table.

Padma points out that this is the final judges’ table in Vegas, and it will determine who’s moving forward and who’s going home.

Tom calls Michael out on the un-Mediterranean-ness of his plate, and Gail tells him about the bone in Strata’s portion (my initial write-thru reads “Gail tells him about Strata’s bone,” but when I read back through it that made me laugh like a twelve year old boy). Tom tells him that that said, there were parts of the dish that were great.

Moving to Bryan, Bocuse says that the lamb was a bit underdone, and Bryan says he didn’t want to take it past rare/medium rare. Bocuse says the judges felt like Bryan could’ve done more with more time.

Bocuse asks Kevin why he didn’t do something more technical. Kevin says he couldn’t have achieved the balance of the “componentry” with something more complex. Sometimes I think Kevin misunderestimates himself. Tom tells him that some thought his dish was too simple for this sort of challenge.

Tom asks Jen to review the cooking process for the salmon, and tells her that the fish cooked a bit too fast. Bocuse says it was the way the salmon was cut that made some undercooked and some fine.

Gail tells Eli there were big pieces of fat in his sausage, and Tom says it was really undercooked. Bocuse says that the fat made the undercooking hard to swallow. Again, this just sounds awful. I watched the entire thing prepared for a SHOCKING TWIST where Kevin or one of the Voltaggios went home, but every time someone talked about the undercooked fat, I gagged a little and hoped there was enough justice in the world to send Eli home.

Spoiler alert! There is.

Tom says that tonight’s challenge has left him with incredible respect for each of them. As they leave, Kevin says it means a lot to hear that from Tom.

In the stew room, Kevin says he knew he didn’t use enough technique.

Gail said the idea behind Eli’s dish made her want to taste it as it would have been were it cooked properly. Padma laconically calls it ‘the worst piece of lamb we had today” and Bocuse agrees that it’s hard to see what’s right about a dish when that huge a component is so wrong.

Moving on to Jennifer, Gail liked her garnishes but was bothered by the inconsistent cooking on the salmon. Tom takes a note from Bocuse and blames the cutting.

Tom thought Kevin’s was well executed, but simple. Bocuse says the fact that it was cooked well gave him an advantage over the others, who all had flaws.

Tom says Michael’s showed an elaborate technique, but Padma thinks that this time he lost on flavor. Gail says that the protein was perfect, but the garnish was weak. Padma brings up the bone issue again.

Tom says that Bryan used a lot of technique, but the execution was off and the dish was in the bottom. Tom says that had it been cooked properly, they’d be having a very different conversation. In the stew room, Bryan reflects on how he knows what he did wrong and Kevin adds that you can tell from Bryan’s dish that he knew what the perfect dish would’ve been if it had been executed properly.

Commercial! Is anyone else as freaked out by Latisse as I am? I mean, honestly, does anyone have skimpy enough eyelashes that you’d be willing to risk “increased brown iris pigmentation” to get them longer? Couldn’t you just buy a pair of false ones? You don’t even have to shell out for the good ones—they sell the damn things at Target. Just don’t use shit that’s going to discolor your eyes. It is not worth it.

Back! Tom reminds them that the winner gets $30K and the chance to compete in the Bocuse d’Or USA. And Jerome announces that the winner is. . . Kevin. Ferreals? O. . . . kay. I mean, I’m fine with it. I like Kevin. It’s just not what I would’ve predicted.

What would I have predicted? Jesus, I don’t know. I spent the entire episode waiting for a huge twist that never came.

Anyway, yay Kevin! Yay, my little tree-dwelling, rosary wearing, red haired culinary wood elf! Jerome Bocuse gives him an official Bocuse d’Or jacket to wear while he’s training, and “some reading material.” We don’t get to see the reading material.

Again, well done Bravo. You’d think they’d be better at product placement by now.

Padma reminds him that he gets $30K from the M resort, and Kevin replies “the M resort—my favorite place in the world.” He interviews that Top Chef has taught him to trust his instincts and his gut.

Back to the other four. Tom says that it’s going to be hard to see one of them go, but there were issues with each dish. Eli’s was conceptually solid, but had problems with execution. Jen’s had great flavor, though the cooking was uneven. Bryan reached high but the lamb was undercooked. Michael’s cucumber was unimpressive.

Heh heh heh. . . his cucumber is unimpressive. Ok, look. I’m twelve. What can I say?

So Padma tells. . . .Eli to pack his knives and go. Ferreals? This is one of those things that’s so predictable that you kind of assume there’s no way it could possible happen, because there’s no way something could be that predictable, right?

Anyway, he thanks the judges for the opportunity. He’s proud that he didn’t “pooch it” and go out early, and he doesn’t harbor negative feelings to the other chefs. He goes to the stew room and hugs Kevin and cries a little.

Tom reminds the other three not to be too sad about Eli, because they’re all going to the finals. They all go back to the stew room and hug Eli, who tells them “don’t feel sad—be happy for that guy” and gestures to Kevin.

Oh my god, I really do love all of these people. I’m losing it. Be prepared for a two part finale recap where all the i’s are dotted with fucking hearts and smiley faces and shit.

Eli says he’s ok about going home because of who’s moving on instead of him. There are a lot of tears. Some of them might be mine, a little.

Next! Napa! Jen has curls! Padma has bangs! So does Kevin! There’s a train! The brothers are going to bring it! Sibling rivalry! Bloodbath! Salt! Gail is not looking forward to judges’ table!

*This would’ve been a much better title if someone had accused someone of something.

Project Runway: Where Tim Visits and Carol Hannah Vomits

2009-11-13T07:13:00.001Z

Yay, it’s Tim visit time!

The Tim visit episode is always one of my favorite episodes, every season. Not just because I’m a voyeur and love seeing other people’s houses, or because it’s always awesome to watch Tim Gunn interact gracefully in every conceivable social situation.

No, it’s because the Tim visit episode reminds us that the designers have families, and backgrounds, and are human beings, and not just characters on our TVs. And I like being reminded of that. . . especially moments before they return to the workroom to finish their collections, and I resume tearing at them savagely with my teeth like an angry baby ferret.

And this episode was particularly interesting in that it served as a nice little microcosm for all of season 6: the most interesting thing that happened. . . was the part where nothing happened. Just like the most interesting things about this season -- the lawsuits, the challenges that apparently had to be scrapped at the last minute because the product tie-ins were tied to Bravo, and so on -- never happened on screen. The most fascinating part of this episode was where Althea and Irina sat around a hotel suite, waiting for Carol Hannah to arrive, making extremely awkward small talk and occasionally being poked with a cattle prod by producers to remind them to ask bleakly where Carol Hannah could be.

It was very Beckett. And I never said that about the show while it was on Bravo, so . . . kudos to you, Lifetime. You got a Beckett reference out of me.

Well played. You’ve managed to produce an episode so “modern and so brilliant, it make absolutely no sense to anybody” as Alistair Cookie would say.

But we’ll get to all of that in a moment.

Back in Los Angeles, sometime in the fall of 2008. George W. Bush is still President and I'm still watching Season 5 of Project Runway on Bravo and hating Kenley with the hatred of a thousand suns.

Heidi greets the final three designers and congratulates them on having made it through a season of lackluster challenges, inconsistent judging, blatant producer manipulation and Heidi’s irrational hatred and bullying of Gordana. Now they’re going to Fashion Week! Althea makes a really gross face that might be called a “smile” on a person with anything resembling a normal occlusion.

They’ll each have $9000 to produce a 13 piece collection to show at Bryant Park. Hm, last season, Bravo gave the final four designers $8000 each. It’s nice to see that Heidi managed to save Lifetime $5000 by hating Gordana so much that there was no way she’d get to produce a collection, despite having the best dress by a wide margin in the final challenge.

Tim comes out and says he’s proud of them and he’ll be checking in on them later. Then Tim and Heidi pretend that they’re going to go out and have fun, and do a fake dance behind the scrim as they walk off stage.

At the Project Runway Apartments, the designers pack up their stuff. I have a thought – next season, they should have the designers living in the ghetto, and then I can call their apartments the Project Runway Projects. Anyway, Althea says that there’s been tension between her and Irina since the cheating accusation, and says that she’s not going to forgive and forget. Irina says that the other designers are intimidated by her. And they all leave, and barely manage not to scream “good riddance, bitches” at the others as they’re shuttled back to their home towns.

Ten weeks later! Tim is off to see Carol Hannah, who has moved from Charleston, SC to Huntington, NY. She’s staying with her friend Ellen, which is only significant in that we’ll see Ellen later at the friends and family meal. Anyway, Ellen has a lovely house and a very cute black and white cat who looks suspiciously at Tim Gunn.

She tells Tim that she stopped and visit a friend at Duke when she was moving up to New York, and was inspired by the architecture there. We see a lot of pictures of Duke’s cathedral-esque architecture. Like Gordana’s cathedral inspired dress last week, there’s something rather vaginal about it.

Tim examines her collection. There’s a lavender ballet type dress where Tim speaks out against a sparkly belt, and a purple dress where he tells her that the cape looks matronly. There’s an interesting purple tank with some cords and things, and Carol Hannah interviews that while her emphasis during the competition was on dresses and evening, her collection is more diverse, and features “pants and shorts and jackets with a little bit of evening flair.”

Carol Hannah tells Tim that her family has flown in to make him a Southern meal. Carol Hannah’s sister straps Tim into an apron and puts him to work cutting out biscuit dough with a wine glass, and the sisters Whitfield talk about what a great seamstress their mother was, and how Carol Hannah learned to sew by watching her and then copying her on a smaller scale to make doll clothes. Tim eats dinner with Carol Hannah’s two sisters, Ellen the housemate, and her father Brett. Her dad seems really awesome. Then Carol Hannah walks Tim out into the middle of what looks like a freaking arctic wasteland. Holy cow. So ten weeks before Fashion Week. . .yikes, it’s hard to believe that a place Tim told us was 20 minutes outside New York had that much snow at what was pretty much this time last year.

Anyway, Tim and Carol Hannah have a lovely goodbye in the snow. He really seems to like her – it’s so nice when you can tell Tim has genuine affection for the designers rather than guarded respect, or outright exasperation. I'm looking at you, Kenley.

Back in Manhattan! Tim goes to visit Irina on the Upper East side. We meet her yappy dog, Princess, who we were shown inspiring Irina’s handbag range way back in the season premiere.

Irina tells Tim that she wanted her collection to be more personal, and thought of Coney Island because it’s near where she grew up. We see a picture of baby Irina with a mom who looks so much like her that it could easily have BEEN a picture of Irina, were it not for the age of the photo.

Tim looks at her “boyfriend t-shirts” which feature images of Coney Island, and says they could go either way. Then he examines a fur piece and tells her it reminds him of a Sisal rug. He reminds her to be “easy,” and he leaves. For a minute, it seems like she’s getting the Kenley/Christian edit where she has no friends and family to meet, but then Tim meets up with them at a restaurant (one of the gays says it’s 21?) Irina’s sister ALSO looks amazingly like her – it’s one of those families (much like my own) where everyone is very clearly related. There are no photographs of her family on Lifetime, and there are also enough people there that I don’t catch who everyone is, so apologies for all of that.

Anyway, they seem to have a nice time eating and chatting about what Irina was like growing up. At the end of the evening, Tim tells Irina’s mother that Irina is already a winner. Oh my god, how awesome would it be to have Tim Gunn saying nice things about you to your mom? And just when you think the moment can’t get any nicer, her mom replies “I am winner too, to have daughter like her.”

SNIFF. Commercial.

Back! With four weeks until Fashion Week, Tim visits Althea in Dayton, OH. The producers select some really menacing music to underscore Tim’s arrival in the dangerous state of Ohio – you never know what can happen to you when you leave the safe confines of Manhattan and venture into the hinterlands. You might fall into a combine or something without any warning at all.
To see Althea’s collection, Tim has to ride in an elevator that the editing and his reactions would lead us to believe is very scary. Althea tells Tim that her collection has been inspired by the women in sci-fi movies. Tim is intrigued.

As he views the collection, Tim tells her that her knits are strong, but finds a coat both “old looking” and “costumey,” and describes something as “Edwardian era meets Wild West.” It’s almost like they give Tim a hat full of descriptions and force him to draw out four and put together a critique using all of them.

Or like Mad Libs! Make your own Tim Gunn Critique: “ (Designer’s Name), I must say I’m (adjective indicating confusion) about this (foreign word) (color) (article of clothing). It manages to be simultaneously (adjective indicating age or youthfulness) and (adjective). It’s like the (Historical Period) era had a head-on collision with the (movie genre). Make it work!”

We then see more of Althea’s collection, including this:

. . .which comes across on a good TV as an absolutely retina searing color. Tim continues to give Althea advice, and at one point someone asks what he just said. And completely unprompted, about four of us reply in unison:

“I don’t know – I can’t hear him because that dress is so fucking loud.”

Anyway. He tells her to “edit, edit, edit,” and the two of them go to a Christmas festooned house and meet with Althea’s family, including her adorably Midwestern and kind of hot boyfriend, Stuart. There are some other friends there, whom the gays describe as “VERY Ohio,” but we also meet her parents. Her mom looks super classy, and her dad, James, is completely cute with some fun glasses and a nice zip cardi.

Ten days left! Tim, from an office where his own bobblehead is sitting behind him on a shelf (Dammit, Lifetime, why are there no pictures of this?) calls Irina. Apparently the lawyers have said she can’t use the Coney Island images on her clothes, because they’re licensed to someone else. Anyway, they discuss some options, and the long and the short of it is that she needs to use her own images or something.

Ten days later. It's five days until their show, and Althea arrives in New York. With a new, straight haircut that makes her face look super puffy, she interviews that she’s excited to be there. Irina arrives in a scarf that looks like it’s trying to eat her face, and says that her head is going to explode. Well, yes, if you squeeze everything out the top with that scarf, it's a definite possibility.

They both arrive at the hotel. Althea rehashes the tension between them in an interview, and they stand around alternating spells of awkward silence and fake friendship. They start repeatedly asking each other – in what I’m sure is a totally natural and not at all producer induced way –where Carol Hannah is. Lifetime busts out the mysterious music to build tension. Commercial.

Back. Tim arrives and says that they’re probably wondering where Carol Hannah is.

He tells them that they shouldn’t expect Carol Hannah today, but she will surely arrive tomorrow. They resolve to hang themselves the next day if Carol Hannah doesn’t arrive.

Ok, that’s not what happens. But wouldn’t it have been awesome?

Anyway, the news is that Carol Hannah has a stomach virus. After what can only seem like a callously timed champagne toast, Irina and Althea talk about how bad they feel for Carol Hannah. Althea then interviews that while getting sick at this point is the worst thing that could happen, “to be honest, everyone kind of wants you [Carol Hannah] gone; it’s a competition.”

SERIOUSLY. But don’t forget, America – Irina’s the evil bitch this season. Don't let the things they're actually saying and doing into fooling you otherwise. Althea is awesome and sweet and wonderful, as you can totally tell by the legions of one person who turns up here to call me a meanie-meanie-beanie-weenie and other totally original things on her behalf every week.

Anyway. Next day. Four days until the runway. They go to the workroom where they see Carol Hannah’s stuff, but no Carol Hannah.

Shortly, there’s a knock. Yay! It’s Carol Hannah! She advises them against hugging her, and interviews that she can sense their disappointment that she’s shown up. She still doesn’t feel well. Irina interviews that she really feels for Carol Hannah.

God, what an evil, evil bitch. Can you believe that fucking Irina, having the audacity to feel for someone? What a cow. Why can’t she be nice, like Althea?

Tim thru! He tells Althea she’s got a lot of work to do, and questions a very Liza looking black sequined jacket she’s made. And it’s not even Liza with a Z Liza looking – it’s Lucille 2 Liza looking.

Tim is very skeptical about her collection’s cohesiveness, pointing to two pieces and saying “this is fashion forward, and this is borderline Hillary Clinton.”

OUCH.

Then we get some more footage of Irina accusing Althea of copying her, because apparently they have a sweater that looks exactly the same but in different colors. Ulch, the hell with both of them.

Carol Hannah is having issues with some pieces, and Tim advises her to simplify. There is some sort of very weird metallic pewter suit looking thing in Carol Hannah’s collection.

Althea interviews that she’s not intimidated by Carol Hannah. Of course not – she wanted her to be so sick that she’d have to drop out of the competition out of the goodness of her heart. What other motive would she have? This is Althea – she poops sunshine and spits the pure sweet air of Ohio.

Irina has re-screened the t-shirts with a list of reasons she loves New York. Carol Hannah interviews that Irina’s collection “is very black.” Tim tells Irina that something in Irina’s collection looks like chaps (my notes look like they read “look like clap” and now I can’t get that out of my head. You wear the chaps, you get the clap). Althea talks about how Irina has about 20 yards of hemming to do. Commercial.

Back. The ladies talk about what kind of models they’re looking for. Irina says “the pretty kind.” This is why I can't stop kind of loving her -- she's one of the few designers this season who's demonstrated any trace of wit or self-awareness.

Anyway, they see a bunch of models. It’s kind of odd this season, because while I know that they hired some of the models who’ve worked previous Project Runways, and some of the America’s Next Top Model girls, they don’t show any of them in the casting for once (at least, not that I recognize off the bat). It’s like Lifetime is that determined not to show any one with a connection to any other network.

Back at the workroom. Nina Garcia and Michael Kors enter, and Carol Hannah interviews “I did not expect them to be here. Not ever.” This is reasonable – they haven’t been on the show for most of the season, so why would anyone expect them to turn up in the workroom four days out?

The two of them offer some advice, since they haven’t been able to advise them or critique their work what with being gone all season. Michael tells them to make sure their collection exemplifies them as designers. Nina says that if it feels like something they’ve seen before, they should just take it out. They also give some advice on order and use of color, and Michael says that self doubt is an important part of the process.

They leave. Irina interviews that she disagrees with Nina about the perils of an all back collection. Don’t disagree with Nina!

With one hour until the end of the day, Carol Hannah breaks a mannequin and hopes her illness doesn’t interfere.

Next day! Fittings! Carol Hannah doesn’t feel great. Tim underscores that the looks their muse models – Lisa, Kaylyn, and Tanisha – will wear are the ones that will be in front of the judges, so they should choose carefully. There’s a fitting flurry and the models leave.

Heidi and Tim enter. Heidi has aged a LOT since the L.A. portion of the season. You can see the lawsuits and the nightmare with Bravo written all over her face. Anyway, they’re there to tell them that there’s an extra special bonus surprise. Which, really, is not at all surprising, since there’s an extra special bonus surprise every season. Commercial.

Back! Heidi gives them the completely unsurprising news that they have one more look to create. Tim tells them that the 13th look must be cohesive, fit with their collection, and that their muse models will cast the model to wear the 13th look. This is clearly to give the models something to do in this episode of Models of the Runway.

In another stunningly predictable move, Logan, Gordana, and Chris enter to help them construct the look. Althea picks Logan and Irina picks Gordana. This leaves Carol Hannah with Christopher. “Oh god, he’s going to start crying now,” says one of the gays.

Sketching! Althea is thinking about a jacket. Gordana says that Irina definitely needs help, but says she’d wear any of the pieces. Christopher says he doesn’t want to make decisions for Carol Hannah, who says she feels like she needs one more “WOW” piece.

They head off to Mood, where they’ll have 30 minutes and $250. Tim says they’re walking to Mood – “we’re using our feet; it’s New York.”

Oh, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, L.A. Tim Gunn just burned you.

Anyway, they shop; they “thank you, Mood!” and they head back to the workroom. With six and a half hours to go, Gordana is wearing some fierce ass boots. Logan drapes pants for Althea. Christopher tells Carol Hannah to “meditate on” her 13th look.

Back at the hotel, Carol Hannah just feels awful. We get to hear her barfing. Delightful. She chalks the return of her bug to all the moving around.

Next time! Messy make up. “It sounds like what Irina was saying.” Carol Hannah feels awful! Bryant Park, bitches! And then we find out the winner of Project I Don’t Mind It, and we can all try to put this season behind us.

Top Chef Vegas: Where The Overdue and Inevitable Finally Happens

2009-11-12T07:35:00.000Z

Robin’s not your mom
And she’s not Top Chef either
Panna Cotta curse?

So what else can you say about Robin? She’s gone. She probably should’ve been gone awhile ago. She clearly lucked out by having a long string of what I’ve seen called “SSW” or “Someone Sucked Worse” experiences in the bottom 3, and having one extremely well placed immunity that she may or may not have gotten largely by playing the cancer pity card.

I am tickled by the idea of her and Mike I having to hang out in the sequester apartment, though. It’s going to be a long last couple days before the final three or four for the both of them.

On the episode as a whole, I loved the idea of the challenge. I think this is maybe first time they’ve really celebrated Vegas AS Vegas, and not just as the Western outpost where a lot of great chefs have extra restaurants. This one really required them to explore and use the strip rather than just trotting out a bunch of dancing girls or a craps table for visual effects and/or some sort of weird Quickfire twist.

That’s one of the reasons I kind of wish they’d done this challenge earlier. There are SO MANY Casinos they could’ve worked with! So many great ones got the shaft! I mean, admit it: you’re DYING to know what someone would’ve come up with for the Caesar’s Palace dish.

Sigh. I haven’t been to Vegas in 7 years. Maybe it’s time for a return trip (but it’s so much tougher when it involves a cross country flight and actual money and all rather than just hopping in the car with your girls and driving for 6 or 7 hours. . . ).

Anyway. Don’t forget to go to Bravo and vote for Fan Favorite, or to watch Padma on 30 Rock.

Morning! Top Chef, Vegas Luxury Cheftestant Compound. Robin pulls a Glad bag out of the drawer, while Bryan reflects on how much he misses his wife and 22 month old son. Aw. The Voltaggios have pretty babies. Jen interviews that Mike I not being there is a big deal, and she needs to start worrying about herself instead of the others.

Time for the Quickfire! Rather than going to the M, they wind up at the Venetian, which may be my all time favorite cheesy Vegas Hotel. I mean. . .it has a freaking canal.

The chefs go to a kitchen in the bowels of the Venetian, where they stand around until the phone rings.

It’s Padma, of course. Having burnt out on her arduous hosting duties, she’s now giving them the quickfire instructions via the phone, from her bed, while wearing her bathrobe. Damn, I wish I could do my job that way. It’s kind of like she’s Bosley, and they’re the angels. Except there are six of them, and I have reservations about their crime fighting abilities.

The chefs will be making room service for Padma and Nigella Lawson, who are both in white hotel bathrobes and looking pretty damn smoldering. They get to eat breakfast in bed. Lucky em effers. The chefs have 30 minutes and anything they find in the kitchen.

Food flurry! In the first group to cook, Eli is making a Corned Beef Reuben Benedict. . . so if you own the Quickfire cookbook or read my post from Monday, you now know who’s going to win. Robin is frantic and only makes each lady one blintz.

In the second group, Michael is trying to work in Robin’s former station and spends 5 minutes cleaning up the mess she’s left.

Robin serves first , and her breakfast in bed is a Blintz with Goat Cheese, Caramelized Pineapple and Blueberries. Eli then serves his Fried Egg Reuben Benedict with Thousand Island Hollandaise Sauce, which we already know is the winner. Nigella says it would be a great hangover breakfast. I know what I’m eating this weekend!

Back in the kitchen, Kevin is making steak and eggs and Jen has to turn off something of Michael’s because it’s on fire. Michael interviews that nothing is working for him. Robin comes to get some of her stuff – while Michael is still working – and completely gets in his way then gets pissed off that he snaps at her. Ok, I understand that they have a history of arguing and she’s got a burr up her ass about people thinking she shouldn’t be there (she shouldn’t), but as both a big believer in clean-as-you-go cooking and someone who wants to lick Michael Voltaggio’s sternum, I’m completely on his side.

The second group takes their dishes up to Padma and Nigella’s suite. Michael serves a Huevos Cubana with Banana Puree, Rice, Bacon, Arugula Salad with complex instructions. The ladies seem to enjoy it, which Michael finds hilarious given what a wreck his process was. Then Kevin serves a Steak and Eggs with Creme Fraiche, Aged Cheddar, and Green Onion. Oh, that sounds so good. I love Steak and Eggs. He tells them that in the South, they like a hearty breakfast. I love Kevin.

Back in the kitchen, Jennifer and Bryan are prepping. Jen says that she does room service out of her kitchen where she works. She’s doing an army inspired chipped beef on toast, or “shit on a shingle”.

Jennifer serves her S.O.S. Creamed Chipped Beef with Toast and Potatoes (SOS = shit on a shingle). Nigella looks at it curiously because the presentation’s kind of a slop, but seems to enjoy it. Bryan then serves them a 4 Minute Egg with Vanilla Beurre Fondue, crab, Asparagus Spears and Corn Polenta. Ok, crab and vanilla just sounds like a world of wrong to me.

Nigella says that the vanilla threw her off slightly, and it would’ve been a complete star if the vanilla hadn’t been there.

The chefs all head back to the suite where a now fully dressed Padma and Nigella await them.
Nigella’s least favorites were Bryan’s, because she didn’t like the vanilla, and Robin’s, because the blintz didn’t have enough contrast.

Conversely, the top were Kevin’s Steak and Eggs which understood the challenge, and Eli’s Breakfast Reuben because it “slapped the jetlag out of me.” And the winner is. . .(oh, god, the suspense is killing me!!!) . . .Eli! Which we knew from the moment he started cooking. His prize is (ooh! Ooh! I know! I know! Pick me!) that his recipe will go into the Top Chef Quickfire cookbook.

With scarcely a pause, Padma tells them about their Elimination challenge. They’ll be celebrating the Las Vegas Strip by creating a dish inspired by one of the casinos. They draw knives to get their casinos. Bryan gets Mandalay Bay; Eli gets Circus Circus, Michael gets New York New York; Kevin gets the Mirage, Jen gets the Excalibur, and Robin gets the Belagio.

They’ll each have to cook for 175 guests the next night on top of Las Vegas’ World Market Center. They get to spend the rest of the day exploring the town to get inspired. Commercial!

Back! We watch as the chefs go around to the different casinos. Michael wants his New York New York dish to be a tribute to the firefighters of New York. Hm. Slap me for being un-American, but that seems a teeny bit dated if you ask me.

Jen wanders through the Excalibur and watches the Tournament of Kings, which is like Medieval Times, only awesomer because it's not in a mall parking lot. She has no idea what to make, and thinks her brain isn’t working.

At Mandalay Bay, Bryan heads for the shark reef which is AWESOME. Mandalay Bay is one of my favorite non-cheezy casinos. He decides to do a sustainable seafood dish inspired by the sharks and the hotel’s commitment to sustainability. He also buys his son a stuffed shark on his way out, saying “it would be nice to take this home and give it to him”.

You know what else would be nice to take home and give to him, Bryan? $100K. The kid seems bright; he recognized you and called you “Bryan!” on the phone. I’m sure he’d prefer $100K to a stuffed shark.

Robin walks into the Belagio, and falls in love with the Dale Chihuly sculpture overhead. She talks about how she considers herself an artist, and plots something involving gelatin. Eek. I mean, my first thought was some sort of sculptural 1950’s Jell-O dish, but it’s even worse the way she means it – gelatin plus Top Chef has rarely yielded good results.

Kevin pulls up to the Mirage and watches the dolphin show. I can't help wishing he'd gone to the volcano for his inspiration. Or the Tigers. Do they still have the Tigers out, or did they move them once that one attacked Roy? He talks about how everyone assumes he’s a redneck, but he’s committed to slow foods and Georgia Organics. Speaking only for myself, of course, I’ve never assumed Kevin was a redneck. A tree dwelling woodland creature, yes. Some sort of giant left to guard the faeries in their mushroom kingdom, definitely. But not a redneck.

At Circus Circus, perhaps the greatest tacky casino ever, Eli tries to think of how to bring in the aesthetics of the place as well as the concept of the Circus.

Back at the compound, they all kind of mock Eli for not being inspired by Circus Circus. Kevin says “the way he describes it, it’s like you’re standing in an art gallery looking at a really sad velvet painting.” Oh my God, a Velvet Eli!

It’s like a Velvet Elvis, only slightly less marketable.

Robin talks about how she’s pushing herself on this challenge because she doesn’t want to go home. Not to be a broken record but: shut up. No one WANTS to go home. That doesn’t make you at all special. Commercial.

Back. Morning at the compound. Robin sits outdoors and reflects while the boys wake up. Kevin is HEAVILY TATTOOED. That’s somewhat unexpected, for some reason. Eli interviews that “6 is a milestone.”

We get a quick flash of Whole Foods, but no shopping trip. The Chefs have 3.5 hours to cook, and they start by unloading their mysterious Whole Foods bags full of food that we didn’t see them buying for an undisclosed amount of money. Way to go on that one, editors.

Food flurry. Michael hopes winning would get him a step closer to the goal of owning his own restaurant. Robin is making a panna cotta, which is new for her. Ooooghh. . . .panna cotta is pretty much jinxed for Top Chef, and Robin is pretty much jinxed for doing new shit.

Jen asks Michael to be her Prince Charming. Yes, please. You would have extremely pretty babies. Her dish is inspired by the sword and the stone, and involves steak and red wine. Nom. Someone’s making goddamned beets again. Stop with the fucking beets, you motherfuckers—this is one of my favorite shows, and I itch every week just watching it. Eli is really getting into it and using peanuts and popcorn in his Circus Circus dish.

Bryan woodenly interviews about his sustainable fish dish, and reflects on how he can’t seem to win a quickfire, though he’s won three eliminations.

Eli interviews that Robin has often been “the lesser of two evils” and hopes her luck will run out this time. They Glad Wrap up their carts and head out to the party site, the World Market Center.

Eli calls the building a “massive sort of George Orwellian 1982 type place” and talks about how it overlooks the old and new strips. They work on preparing their stations. Michael is frying a shitload of chicken wings. Robin talks about how her sugar "glass" didn’t set and she can’t use it, but she still loves her dish. And suddenly all 175 of the diners arrive at once.

Kevin jokes that because he had the Mirage, he thought about putting up a picture of his dish and filling his bowls with sand, but he didn’t think that would win.
It’s just that simple.

The judges approach Jennifer. However, there’s nothing on her table. She preps her Sword in the Stone inspired NY Strip with Red Wine Reduction, Beets, Truffles, Herbs for them while she talks. Ooh, she has the goddamn beets. Dammit, Jen! Nigella thinks she needs Excalibur to cut it, and then jokes that the steak is the stone. Oh dear.

Next they go to Kevin and get his Mirage inspired Wild Alaskan Sockeye Salmon with Napa Cabbage and Cucumber. He says to eat the fish with the salad, and then kind of shoot the broth as a cleanser. Nigella says it’s delicious, and Toby says it has a kind of Thai flavor. Tom likes the tomato water.

Next up is Michael’s New York, New York Boneless Chicken Wing Confit with Curry and Blue Cheese Disc. Ok, among the things I don’t like: Chicken Wings. Bleu Cheese. But that still looks really good. Nigella loves the crisp skin, and Padma loves the cold dollop of bleu cheese dressing. Toby liked the temperature contrast, but didn’t love the flavor.

Robin explains her Bellagio inspired Panna Cotta (that’s it, Bravo? Really? That’s the whole description?), and shows them her failed sugar. Oh, poppet. Do not send them off to eat knowing that you failed. Nigella likes the smell, but thinks there’s too much gelatin. Toby says that the panna cotta is way too solid. Padma says that it worked in terms of inspiration, and Nigella says that the “glass” looked good, but Tom points out that she didn’t serve it.

Next they go for Bryan’s Escabeche of Halibut with Bouillabaisse Consomme, Parsley Coulis, and Garlic Chips inspired by Mandalay Bay. Padma expected the “parsley fluid gel” to be disgusting, but it’s actually quite nice. Toby says it tastes like a really professional dish.

Finally, they get to Eli’s Caramel Apple Peanut Soup with Popcorn Raspberry Froth. Oh, god, I didn’t catch the complete description last night, and now I’m REALLY glad I haven’t eaten breakfast yet. The raspberry froth represents the pink dome behind the hotel. Nigella says she’s frightened of the dish and isn’t going to try it first. Padma says she doesn’t like it at all. Nigella agrees that the texture didn’t work. Toby admires Eli’s willingness to go all in, but says that “like most people who come to Vegas, he has gambled and he has lost.” Commercial!

Back! Fake back. Eli pops champagne and Robin tells him“try not to hurt anyone this time.” Eli retorts that he didn’t hurt anyone last time, and Kevin reflects on how the momentum keeps changing at this point in the competition. Jen says “I love you guys.” Lamest fake back ever.

Back! Stew Room. Kevin asks how everyone’s stuff came out, and no one answers. Padma calls back Kevin and the Voltaggios.

They have the three favorite dishes. Tom tells Kevin that the texture of the salmon was great and the vegetables were bright and flavorful. Toby compliments the broth.

Nigella loved the garlic chips in Bryan’s dish, and found it “quiet and elegant.” Aw, it’s kind of like the dish is a metonym for Bryan himself.

Tom tells Michael that he reworked chicken wings into something better, and Toby tells him that “the thing I really liked about your dish is that it seemed to be perfectly expressive of the kind of thing that you do. Your food is very delicate and sometimes quite effeminate.”
. .. . . ? . . . .

Ok, anyway, that’s meant to be a compliment, and Nigella gives him the win for his girly chicken wings, licking her lips slightly as she does so. If Michael doesn’t win the $100K, he can sue Bravo, Magical Elves, and Nigella Lawson for sexual harassment. He gets a freaking giant bottle of wine and a 2 day 3 night trip to the vineyard in Napa valley.

They’re asked to send back the others. Robin tells them to write her name up [on the loser board] now.

Padma tells them they had the least successful dishes, and asked if Jennifer is surprised to be there. Jennifer says she didn’t have a clear vision of what she was doing, and thinks that came through. Tom gives her kind of an out by saying she didn’t know much about Medieval cooking, but Nigella and Toby both call her out on the texture issues with the beef. Then Toby makes his most groanworthy comment of the season: “it was more Spamalot than Camelot.” Oh, Jesus. Just when I’d gotten to like Toby, the old trying too hard “weapons of mass destruction” version comes back.

Moving to Robin, she talks about her inspiration and the problems with her execution on the sugar. Nigella informs her that a panna cotta “when you put a spoon in it should have a quiver of a 17th century Courtesan’s inner thigh.” Ok, now I’m blushing. Robin can ALSO sue Bravo, Magical Elves, and Nigella for sexual harassment if she doesn’t win, which (spoiler alert!) she doesn’t. I can’t decide if that’s better or worse than Jay Rayner's panna cotta boob comment from Top Chef Masters. I mean, I guess it's classier. . .but it's also just awfully specific. Anyway Robin says she’s envious of and inspired by the other chefs’ tricks and knowledge.

Nigella tells Eli that there was too much clashing going on, and Tom tells him his “pink dome” tribute got lost and the textural issues with the soup ruined the dish. Eli says that he thought ‘conceptually I was pretty close to the mark,” and Tom cuts him off with “but the dish was a failure.” BOOM. I like Eli, usually, but after the crapfest of judging on Project Runway, it’s always nice to see Top Chef’s judging – there's very little nonsense, it still has teeth, and it’s also still concerned with giving legitimate criticism instead of picking on the people they don’t like and promoting the ones they like even when they do visibly lousy work.

Padma continues by telling him that she really didn’t like the flavors, and would never want to eat that again.

They send the chefs back to the stew room. Robin cries. Eli fidgets. Jen looks stoic.

Padma points out that all the dishes had major problems. Toby found Jennifer’s sauce disappointing, and Nigella says it was "almost hostile.” Tom points out that she’s really fallen in this competition after a strong start. In the stew, Jennifer says that she’s ready to go. Nooooo! Don’t give up, Jen!!!

Toby thinks Robin’s vision is her problem, and that she tries things that are technically beyond her. Padma adds that the flavor was nonexistent. In the stew, Robin says she doesn’t know how to play things safe and is trying to live up to the rest of them.

Nigella says that “Eli’s. . .wasn’t a dish, it was a fiasco,” and compares it to sawdust. Well . . .at least that’s appropriate for the Circus theme? Toby says it looked unappetizing, and Nigella says it took every ounce of her not inconsiderable breeding not to spit it back into the cup. Kevin reassures Eli that that’s a dish that you conceive and then you have to make and remake before you get it right. Commercial!

Back! Tom reminds them of what the challenge was, and how many challenges they’ve gone through, and how it’s time to separate those who are merely talented from the real Top Chefs.

He lets them know that Eli’s dish was only circuslike in that it was a mess; Jen had a boring dish and a story to match; and Robin’s dish didn’t show her inspiration at all.

Padma tells Robin to pack her knives and go. And a great sense of relief and happiness swept over the land; and there was much rejoicing in the Magical Mushroom Kingdom.

She interviews that she came really close, and is happy that she made it this far, and should have stuck to her guns and done her homestyle cooking instead of trying to impress people with shit she didn’t know how to do yet. Everyone hugs her and Jen walks her to the door with her arm around her. Because this is Robin, I’m not entirely clear about whether this is meant to comfort her or to make sure that she actually leaves.

Next: Chefs train for years for this, we’re doing it tomorrow! The food Kevin cooks is the food I cook on my day off! Thomas Keller!

If this isn't what our Veterans fought for, I don't know what is.

2009-11-11T09:23:00.000Z

At my gym this morning, you might have seen a number of odd things.

You might have seen a Japanese woman lying on the sofa in the ladies' room repeatedly punch herself in the thigh.

You might have seen an older man with some considerable man boobs lifting crazy amounts of weights in the weight area, putting all the young gym gays to shame.

You might have seen me jumping up and down swearing like Rumpelstiltskin after running my stockings first things in the morning.

And, if you were behind me on the treadmills, watching Snapped reruns on Oxygen with the sound turned off (I've seen them all so many times that it's fun to add my own narration), you might have seen this. Twice.

I love this for so many, many reasons. Not least among them:

1) Snuggie dog, reading a book. About his own breed, no less. Would a bichon frise really want to read a book about bichon frises?

2) Everyone raising the roof, repeatedly, because they're so goddamned excited about their Snuggies.

3) Snuggie Dad, who is soooooo clearly convinced that he's going to get some later in the evening that he can't contain his excitement. He's totally looking to bust out his newest Snuggie Sutra moves and give Snuggie Mom some lovin' she'll never forget.

The Top Chef Quickfire Cookbook is made of win (and bacon)

2009-11-09T07:31:00.000Z

(first A Christmas Together: John Denver and the Muppets reference of the season, holla!)

So a warning to those of you who are spoiler-phobic: this post contains a potential not-quite spoiler for Episode 11 of Season 6 (this week's episode). Because the Top Chef: The Quickfire Cookbook also contains a not-quite spoiler for Episode 11 of Season 6.

And a warning for those of you who are bacon-phobic: this post contains two strips of delicious bacon shown in various stages of cooking glory. (but if you're bacon-phobic, you probably abandoned this ship quite some time ago, so I don't know why I'm worried)

So anyway. Last week I got one of the now-ubiquitous Borders coupons that has me convinced they're about two days from going under, because they are pretty much giving away their stock at this point. This one was 30% off any one item, and since I needed something to bring me back to the real world after the not-distant-enough future dystopia of Atwood's The Year of the Flood (so awesome) and my ongoing fitful rereading of Chandler and Christie in an attempt to teach myself to write detective fiction, I hiked the 3/4 miles from my office to the nearest Borders, thinking I was going to buy this which has been winking knowingly at me from bookstores and Hudson Newses at Amtrak stations for about four months now.

But when I walked in, I saw this:

And it was like one of those mystical love-at-first-sight moments, when your gaze locks on something or someone and all you hear is . . .

What did you think
I would doooooooooooooooooooo at this moment
When you stand here before me
With teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeears in your eyes. . . ..

(anyone else raised in the '80's watching Family Ties sing along and/or cry like a baby whenever that comes on the radio/your iPod/the muzak at Harris-Teeter? Just me? Ok, then).

So I went through this huge internal struggle of don't do it/do it/ you just bought two cookbooks a week ago with your last Borders coupon/ you neeeeeeeeeeeeeed it/ you need something to READ/ you waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant it/ you have too many goddamned cookbooks!/ it'll be GREAT SCHTICK!!!!! while the book gazed at me from across the tables going "if you'd staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, I'd subtract/ twenty yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeears from my life. . . ."

Until eventually I screamed "I love you, Alex P. Keaton!" and, ignoring the confused stares of the other patrons, caved in and got in line to buy the cookbook. And then some old dude took cutsies in front of me. . . but that's an entirely different story.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is: I LOVE THIS COOKBOOK. You all know I have the original Top Chef Cookbook, and that I've made recipes from it that you can find here and here and here (and I've also made Mikey's Cheeto Dick, which you can find here, but which for some odd reason isn't in either cookbook. And I've made Ilan's corn and bacon salad, but I made that back when I wasn't blogging about TV or kitchen related things).

I've made those three recipes in the year and change I've had the original cookbook. I have made two recipes in the five days I've had the quickfire cookbook.

It's a rather more successful turn-over rate, really. And you have to credit that in part to the fact that everything gets made in a short period of time and is REALLY FREAKING EASY. Because as much as I want to make Dave's cognac/truffle mac & cheese from Season One, every time I look at the recipe I go "bish, plz" and crack open a blue box instead.

These recipes? There's no excuse for not making these recipes.

The book is really comprehensive, including a fairly equal sampling of recipes from all the seasons that have aired so far. There's even one recipe from Top Chef: Masters (Chocolate Mousse Swan, Whipped Cream Mouse and Fruit with Orange Tarragon by Hubert Keller) and (not quite a spoiler alert!) one from this season:

So here's the unexpected knowledge we can glean from the cookbook, children: in THIS WEEK'S NOT YET AIRED episode, someone will make a "Reuben Benedict with Thousand-Island Hollandaise" for a "Make breakfast for dinner in 30 minutes" quickfire. That person will win, and as a reward have his or her recipe published in the cookbook. (with no name credit, so it's kind of a mixed-bag prize, but whatever. We'll all know soon enough)

So when you see the quickfire, you're now spoiled for who will probably win. Or you can try to guess in advance who will make a dish like this (highlight for the answer, but my money's on Kevin).

And you will also know in advance that I WANT TO NOM THE HELL OUT OF THIS DISH, and that the only reason I haven't already is because I had some leftover canned tomatoes around the house. But more on that in a mo'.

Anyway, there are beaucoup recipes I want to make, so you can just rest easy in the knowledge that you'll probably be seeing them on a fairly regular basis (or you can suggest ones in the comments that you particularly want to see but aren't sure you want to do yourself). But rest assured, I WILL make the Reuben Benedict, and Harold's Mortadella sandwich, and Dave's Grape Ape sandwich, and Carla's Green Eggs and Ham, and Antonia and Spike's pizzas, and Fabio's Mediterranean Hot Dog, and Richard's Vegetarian Tacos. . . .

. . . and. . . and. . . .and. . .

But there are also some things that I'm BAFFLED at the inclusion of. EG: Betty's Chilled Christmas Cocktail, with the Bailey's and the lime juice. Those with long memories OR THE INTERWEBS may recall that the lime juice "made a curdled crust on top" of the Bailey's, and that the judge's reaction was "I mean maybe it tastes good but. . .(tasting) . . .But it doesn't."

So why do we need this recipe? And why do we need a "Mad Libbin' Quickfire"

which supposedly helps you create your own quickfire by filling in the blanks. I mean, one of them tells you to "Pay a friendly visit to (name of neighbor) and challenge them to a Quickfire Challenge."

The end result of this in my neighborhood would be a Washington Post headline along the lines of DUMB ASS WHITE GIRL SHOT AFTER CHALLENGING COLUMBIA HEIGHTS' "INSULT GUY" TO A QUICKFIRE.

But perhaps we can be charitable and not mention the "Extras." I mean, the most clear example of the flaws in these features is the Top Chef yearbook

which names Marcel "Best Hair." Best? Mais non, mes petites! Largest. Strangest. Most Wolverine-esque, oui. But "best?" I think not.

Also, it says that Sam is "Sexiest" while relegating my beloved C.J. to "Best Personality." Again, I say phooey! C.J. is sexiest. And tallest. And I want to climb him like a tree-est. And fake testicle-est.

Sam can be surliest. And diabetic-est. And not-that-guy-est.

So lets ignore the extras and focus on the recipes, because as I said I'VE ALREADY MADE TWO. I made Cliff's Steak Tapas (from the same episode where Betty made her curdled drink) as the appetizer for our weekly Project Runway dinner on Thursday.

They were DELISH. I mean, it's basically filet mignon on a cracker, so it's hard to fuck that up, but the tomato-shallot creme fraiche and the chocolate and nutmeg shavings just made it embrace your mouth in a beautiful way.

My only gripe is that now I have about 3/4 cup of leftover tomato-shallot creme fraiche sitting in my fridge. So I'm open to ideas for how to use that up, particularly ideas that don't involve me buying a whole lot more filet mignon.

I mean, it's not exactly something I can go around handing out to my neighbors. At least, not without the WaPo screaming WHITE GIRL SHANKED FOR CREME FRAICHE DISTRIBUTION IN COLUMBIA HEIGHTS the next day.

The other fatal flaw in Cliff's recipe is that it required me to use 2 canned plum tomatoes. which is definitely not a full can, which meant I had extra canned plum tomatoes sitting about the house.

Which kind of locked me into my decision for my second Quickfire experiment. I knew I wanted to make a breakfast dish for myself at some point this weekend, and it just so happened that there's a breakfast recipe that involves 1/4 cup of mashed canned tomatoes.

The problem?

It's Leah's Grilled Bread with Bacon and Egg.

And I don't think I need to tell those of you who've been around for awhile that my feelings went something like:

Bacon! Yay!

Leah. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Mise en place, motherfuckers:

(dig my TOTALLY INTENTIONAL mystical morning light effect)

You will need: bacon, bread, an egg, a shallot, a clove of garlic, olive oil, red pepper flakes, and salt and pepper. You will also need Parmesan cheese, but I forgot about that part (which added to the quickfire-ish legitimacy of the event when I had to rush to get it out of the fridge).

You have 30 minutes to make this dish. (You would get a picture of my microwave with the 30 minute read out on it here, but it came out crappy). Your time starts. . . .NOW!

So first you mince the shallot and sweat it in about a tablespoon of oil over medium heat. And if you're me, and you have a crappy impossible to regulate stove, you inevitably burn the shallots a little, but you're ok with that because you kind of like burnt shallots and onions and things.

And then after about five minutes, you add about 1/2 a tsp of red pepper flakes, and a 1/4 cup of mashed up canned tomatoes.

And you let those hang out and thicken for like 8 minutes.

While that's happening, you grill or toast your bread on both sides until it's as done as you want it to be, and then cut a clove of garlic in half and rub it on both sides of the toast. And that makes THE BEST smell in the morning, and you start to get hungrier and hungrier.

And then you start the BACON!

You cook it up in the usual manner, and I realize there's nothing stunning about that picture but we have to celebrate the bacon whenever we can.

Once the bacon's crispy, you take it out, and then you take your grilled, garlicked bread and toss that into the pan and let it brown up about a minute on each side.

But you do this in the pan WHERE THE BACON JOOS IS. So the garlicked bread soaks up all of the bacon joos and becomes even more delicious than garlicky toast would be under normal circumstances.

Bacon. Toast. Delicious. The other side of the toast is a bit more . . .done, by which I mean near catastrophically burned, but again, I don't object to some burnage.

And then you fry an egg.

In Leah's original version, it's a quail egg. But a) I hate quail eggs (out of seven million courses on the tasting menu at Komi, quail egg is the only one I wouldn't eat again), and b) I have normal chicken eggs in the fridge, and it says they're ok to use, and I'm not buying quail eggs.

Now, the idea in the original recipe is that you cut everything down to amuse bouche size by using a 1" round cutter to make little one-bites of bacon/egg/toast/tomato stuff. But a) I don't believe in wasting food, and b) I'm making myself breakfast, not being judged by Rocco diSpirito and Padma. So I just started layering it up:

Tomato and shallot goop.

Plus bacon.

Plus fried egg. And then you salt and pepper it, and throw a grating of Parm over the top. And if you can see the timer on the microwave in the background, you'll notice that I still have nine minutes and change left on the clock (you'll also notice that I keep my dishwashing and laundry liquid closer to my food than I probably ought, but whatever).

So take that, Leah.

Or really, don't. Don't take that. Because this????
So damned good.

I mean part of me wants to point out that essentially, it's a fried egg and bacon on toast, with some tomato goo. It's not exactly rocket surgery. And it's not like any of the techniques she used were so dazzling. Yeah, she cooked an egg in the bacon fat. Big shitty deal. My grandfather's been doing that since World War II. He didn't need culinary school or reality TV to teach him to do that. He learned it from the U.S. Army Air Force.

But on another level. . .thems some damned good eggs.

So ok, Leah, you hobag. I'll retract the "talentless" from all of the times I called you a talentless whore.

For the rest of you: get the cookbook. So worthwhile. Especially if you get it using one of the Borders coupons, which they're sending out like every day now.

Seriously, they're on the brink of bankruptcy or something, right?

Project Runway: Two Down, An Interminable Crapfest of Tank Tops and Headbands to Go

2009-11-06T07:58:00.001Z

No Bryant Park for
Gordana and Christopher
But no surprise there.

I have to ask you a question, loves. If you haven’t seen the pictures from the final collections, which have been all over the interwebs since last February. If you hadn’t put together who was in the final three weeks ago from the styling hints or the use of models the designers have been fiercely loyal to. . .

. . .was this an interesting episode to watch?

Because for me, it just had a sense of grim inevitability, and KNOWING that Althea’s gold lame shit fest and portfolio of tacky assedness was going to be advanced over Gordana’s beautiful gown and impeccable taste just made me really depressed to watch it.

But it seemed like some of my friends who were less “spoiled” than I was were able to get into the suspense of it, and believe for a minute that even with Heidi the tragic pirate clown whore at the helm good might win over evil and talent over snagglepussed derivativeness.

Alas.

So I hope you were in the latter category, and that at least you got to invest in the episode. Because if you knew where it was going, it was just a snoozefest.

Morning. Project Runwway Apartments. Althea interviews that it’s getting rough as it gets toward the end, and then she bitches about how much she hates Irina for accusing her of stealing ideas.

Irina interviews that she “won’t say anything behind your back that I wouldn’t say to your face,” and then adds that some people would apparently rather have things said behind their backs.

Oh, snap, Althea. That’s you, see? Because you talked nonstop shit behind Logan’s back, but then freaked out when Irina said something to your face.

Christopher interviews that he’s the only boy left. Yay! He can count! Gordana says she’s doing this for her country. It’s very Grease 2.

Runway! Heidi appears like a figure out of a nightmare, and reminds them that this is their last challenge in L.A. As such, they’re being sent to an iconic place with timeless views, or some such nonsense.

They go to the J. Paul Getty Museum, where Tim greets them and tells them that this is the “heart of L.A. Culture.” They’re also greeted by the Mayor of L.A., which is. . . .weird and random. I suppose it’s supposed to make them feel special and important, but really it just makes L.A. look sad. The mayor has time to appear on reality shows?

Tim tells them that their challenge is to use the Getty Center as inspiration. They have two days (finally!), and will get a 30 minute tour of the museum followed by a 30 minute sketching period.

That’s some bullshit. What kind of museum can you tour in 30 minutes?

Their models go on the tour with them. Althea says that the architecture of the Getty makes it one of her “top ten buildings ever,” and is inspired by the building’s curves. Carol Hannah focuses on an awesome giant bed with draperies. Irina takes her cues from a Godward painting called Mischief and Repose. Christopher is inspired by a rock fountain, and Gordana falls for Monet’s Rouen Cathedral, which, perhaps predictably, is grey. Just like everything else Gordana’s made this season.

Mood! They have 30 minutes, and what sounds like $200. Irina buys a bunch of fur, telling Tim that it might be rabbit. Tim looks at the size of her pelts and says it must be a “giant, giant Scandanavian Rabbit.”

The rest of the trip to Mood is lost as the gays scream in horror over a prolonged shot we get of a full on jeans wedgie creeping up Althea’s ass as she scurries along looking for fabric. Thank you Mood!

Workroom. Tim reminds them that this is the challenge that will determine who goes to Bryant Park. Just in case they—or you—forgot that in the last 3 minutes. Commercial!

Back! Carol Hannah says that it’s “really exciting to be down to five,” and Gordana has a very similar interview where she reflects that “making it to top 5 is huge.”

To switch things up a little, Althea says that the “atmosphere in the workroom is kind of awkward because Irina and Gordana are “recent friends” and Christopher and Carol Hannah are “buddy buddy.” Hm, someone feels left out.

In keeping with this theme, Irina interviews about Althea being “like King Kong.” Apparently in Irina’s mind, King Kong’s salient characteristics are that he goes around taking things he wants, because there’s some sort of bitching about Althea taking a table which causes Irina to call her “her royal highness.”

Speaking for the audience, Carol Hannah says “I just think it’s silly.” And then Gordana seems to be talking shit about Carol Hannah or Althea or SOMEONE, because she makes some sort of gnomic statement about how “the dogs that bark don’t bite.”

End of day one. The next day, Irina and Gordana are bickering. Carol Hannah tells them she doesn’t want to listen to them bicker, and Gordana says something incredibly unnecessary about how they’re “not here to serve her.”

Damn, they’re going out of their way to make EVERYONE look like an unpleasant asshole in this episode, right?

Back to the workroom. Tim Thru! He starts with Christopher, and warns him to “keep an editing eye” on his look.

He reacts to Carol Hannah’s plans to drape something across the bodice with an “AH! What are you doing?” and warns her not to “lose the sophistication.”

He tells Irina that her cape/coat thing is “looking a lot like roadkill.” From a road in Scandanavia, I guess, where the giant, giant rabbits run free.

Althea gets told that he’s “perplexed over why you chose that construction method for this.”

Gordana spends their visit crying over how emotional the painting makes her.

Tim tells them that he’s really impressed with all of them, and sends their models in for a 30 minute fitting.

Carol Hannah thinks Althea might have a problem because of the way her fabric puckers. Irina decides to take Tim’s advice and focus on the dress rather than the cape/coat thing. Aw. All those giant, giant, Scandanavian rabbits died for nothing.

Althea doesn’t think that Gordana’s dress looks like a “last challenge” dress. The models leave. Commercial!

Back! Project Runway Apartments. Christopher interviews that there’s a “lot of pressure before this challenge.” Christopher wins the Captain Obvious award for this episode.

We then lose several minutes of the show while we discuss how bad Althea’s roots are. As the noise dies down, Carol Hannah reminds us that “you can’t predict how the judges are going.”

Workroom! Everyone is hoping things come together. Tim sends in their models for an hour’s worth of product placement and beautification.

Christopher says that the dress “encompasses who I am as a designer. . .pretty and kind of dirty.”

Irina reminds us that “everything’s at stake today” and thinks that Christopher has false confidence. Althea thinks Irina’s dress has no tailoring. Irina thinks Althea’s looks are always really poorly finished. Commercial.

Back. Runway. Heidi, dressed in something that looks suspiciously like it was made out of a Tommy Hilfiger sheet pattern that sold at Dillards when I worked there in the late ‘90’s, tells them that after this challenge, there will be only three of them.

The judges are Cynthia Rowley, Nina Garcia, and Cindy Crawford. Cindy Crawford looks damn good considering the peak of her modeling career was when I was in junior high. There's no way Heidi will look a tenth that good when she hits 43. You go, Cindy Crawford.

Hey, remember back when models still had tits and ass? That was nice.

Runway! We’ll eventually see all the dresses this week, since it’s the final runway challenge.

Althea’s is a cheap looking gold mess. It’s like Saturday Night Fever’s tackier, poorly made cousin. I’m not going to say that someone who makes this shitfest as their final look shouldn’t go to Bryant Park. . .I’m just going to say that someone with this little talent should probably have been put out of her misery a long time ago, and would’ve in any season that wasn’t stocked with people who’ve never seen a needle and judged primarily by the increasingly insane and tacky Heidi.

Carol Hannah’s dress is a gold gown. It’s beautiful and extremely well done, but it’s not really revolutionary in any way. Also, since her primary inspiration was that bed, I wish she’d used the beautiful green color from the draperies.

Christopher’s is a grey gown with some sort of sacking effect around the boobs.

Gordanna’s is a beautiful white and grey gown. Matar looks freaking stunning in it, and in any season that was governed by rules and sanity rather than favoritism and tackiness, the two of them would be going to Bryant Park and dominating. Instead, Gordana is reduced to feeding off the sympathies of the public, and Matar is getting hit on by Hugh Grant.

Finally, Irina’s is a green gown that looks like a costume from an ‘80’s movie about Greek gods and goddesses.

The models are brought out.

Starting with Althea, Cindy Crawford tells her it was brave to try all the pleating. Cynthia Rowley sees the architectural inspiration, but she finds the skirt overworked and the top underworked. Nina agrees that she barely even got to the top. In a rare moment of clarity, Heidi says that it’s “a bit of a mess fest,” and that Althea bit off more than she could chew.

With Althea’s kergiggidy teeth, that’s a feat indeed.

Moving to Irina, Nina likes the back of the dress, but finds the length “old lady.” Cindy Crawford likes the color, but hates the shoes and styling. Heidi has Kaylyn take off all of her accessories.

Gordana is next. Heidi can see the connection with the paining. Nina says it’s perfectly made, but she wonders if Gordana is capable of taking chances. Cynthia Rowley adds that she doesn’t love the back.

Cynthia Rowley tells Carol Hannah that the fit is fantastic, and that she likes the shoulder detail. Cindy Crawford says it’s beautiful and well executed. Nina tells her that she’s played it very safe.

Finally, Cynthia Rowley loves the top of Christopher’s dress, but finds the bottom heavy. Cindy Crawford agrees that the upper part is flattering. Heidi asks if he’s “confident in this as a final challenge look?” Christopher cries about how this dress says more about him than any other dress. Katie hugs him.

Now we get to my least favorite part: where Heidi asks them why they deserve to win, and they say a number of things that are entirely irrelevant to the caliber of their work. They’re also asked which two designers should go with them.

Gordana tells some sort of sob story about Communism, and says Christopher and Irina should go to Bryant Park. Althea says she’s consistently pushed herself and never been in the bottom, and picks Carol Hannah and Irina. Carol Hannah sensibly says it doesn’t matter how much you want it, and selects Christopher and Althea. Irina talks about how her parents are immigrants and selects Christopher and Althea. And Christopher says he hasn’t had the opportunities for success, and picks Irina and Carol Hannah.

Deliberation. Heidi thinks Althea is a great designer (but again, let’s look at how Heidi dresses) but that she let them down with this challenge. Nina agrees that the dress was unfinished. So by all the criteria of every past season of this show, which has always held that you get judged based on individual challenges, Althea should totally be out.

Cynthia Rowley likes the inspiration behind Irina’s, but Nina finds it dowdy. Cindy Crawford said it definitely referred to the painting.

Heidi says Christopher does beautiful tops, but Cynthia Rowley says his dress looked uncomfortable. Nina says he hasn’t worked enough to know what the “right” fabrics are.

Nina thinks that Carol Hannah’s gown was beautiful, sophisticated, and impeccably made.

Finally, Heidi says that Gordana’s was closest to the inspiration, and Cindy Crawford likes her simple aesthetic.

Then, bafflingly, Nina says that even at this point in the season “I don’t know who Gordana is as a designer.”

“THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’VE ONLY BEEN THERE FOR TWO OF THE CHALLENGES!” everyone in the living room screams.

“Guys, Guys. . .. don’t yell at Nina!” one person chides us in a “don’t bore Nina!” voice.

The designers are brought back to the runway, and Heidi reminds them that 3 of them will be EEN, and 2 of them will be AUWT. Commercial.

We spend the commercial doing the Heidi hokey pokey. “You put your right foot EEN, you put your right foot AUWT, you put your right foot EEN and then we cut it AUF because we’re German and we can!”

Back! Irina is een. Christopher is AUWT. He interviews that he can see the beauty in unusual things, and goes to the back where Irina hugs him.

Carol Hannah is een. I’m declaring her the defacto winner since her dress was the best dress. . . .that moved on to Fashion Week (and probably tied for the top two of the week).

So it’s down to Gordana and Althea. Hm, how could this possibly turn out?

Heidi tells Gordana that they very much liked the dress, but that it had some construction issues. She also says that she can’t get over her burning irrational hatred of her, or her love of making her sob.

Ok, she doesn’t say that. She says they can’t “overcome our reservations about you.” But you know that the irrational hatred part is what she actually meant.

Althea’s look, on the other hand, was a mess. However she has confidence and takes risk. So they’re rewarding her entire season of totally risk taking shitty grey tank tops and her crappy looking unfinished gold tackfest of a final look, and mostly the fact that she’s just not Gordana. She’s going to Bryant Park.

Then there’s a totally insincere moment between Heidi and Gordana, where Heidi continues to act like a bitch.

Anyway. Tim can’t stand this (Tim is not alone) and had hoped they were all going. Christopher is happy that he stayed the whole competition, and Gordana says she’s leaving proud.

Next week! You’re going to Fashion Week! Carol Hannah makes pants! It’s the Wild West! It’s the Olympics of Fashion! It’s finally fucking over, and that’s all I care about at this point.

Top Chef All Star Reunion: "Special," Like the Short Bus

2009-11-05T07:36:00.000Z

If you're looking for baseball, go HERE.

I had hesitations about the Top Chef: All Star Reunion Dinner Special. It was partly because in the past, Bravo’s criteria for choosing “All Stars” has been somewhat loose, to say the least. It was partly because I don’t see the point in interrupting what’s turned into a fairly tight end of the season horse-race in this season to hash up the old dirt from seasons past.

Alright—technically I see the point since the finale apparently wrapped a few weeks ago in Napa, and I’m sure they’re re-editing the final few episodes to build to a conclusion in an interesting and satisfying way, so they don’t end up taking shit for this season’s winner like they did for Herpsea. And they probably also have to schedule shift a bit to accommodate the holidays.

But narratively? Disastrous time to interrupt with a bunch of old bullshit. They could at least just take a week OFF rather than dredging up this piece of nonsense.

Anyway, as you can probably already tell, the Special lived down to my expectations. There was no competition, there was no prize, there was nothing new. The only exigence I can see for this piece of crap was that it was probably an introduction/audition piece for Fabio’s own series, to see if he can carry the load.

If that’s what it was? Massive fail. He seemed to be floundering the entire time last night, especially as the other cheftestants kept thwarting his efforts to play Master of Ceremonies/shit stirrer/genial host.

So what I’m saying is: I don’t have a normal blow by blow recap of this for you. If you want to know where the cheftestants are now, go to this Bravo page. If you want a quick summary of what happened, read on.

If you want an awesome reaction to the new Top Chef: The Quickfire Cookbook, hold your jets until Monday.

So Fabio comes down a magenta staircase and tells us the premise of this show—he’s invited a bunch of past cheftestants to have a big dinner party. The cheftestants arrive in typical Top Chef airport arrival format, then get chauffeured to Social for the typical getting to (re)know you reception. We learn the following things:

1. Dale Levitsky and Sara N from season three are roommates and have adorable dogs
2. Tiffani is either a bit more self reflective or at least has learned to appear more self reflective on camera.
3. Harold has gotten puffy, which makes me feel old since a) he used to be so hot and adorable, and b) he and I are the same age, if I recall correctly.
4. Marcel is still a dick
5. Richard is still adorable.
6. Stefan and Fabio are still awesome.
Commercial.

Back. The chefs from each season pull knives to determine a course to make, because as Fabio says “there eez no better way to celebrate a ree-oon-un” than to cook for each other. Each Season/Team has $500 at Whole Foods. Stefan and Carla get stuck with dessert, which brings back memories of Stefan’s tragic crash in the finale.

We see flashbacks of Harold during season one when he was far less puffy. I continue to feel old. Have I puffed up that much in the last four years?

They shop. Ilan and Marcel go over budget, despite having more to cook for twelve people than they usually did for 1200 during the competition.

They cook. Hyung slows it down in the kitchen so people won’t laugh at him for running.

Commercial. There’s a spot for Chef Academy. I have reservations about watching that, which are partly alleviated by the fact that the chef involved looks something like Rufus Sewell.

Back. Fabio goes around the kitchen asking the teams questions. To Season Three, he says “we wen thru some preety crazee deesh on Top Chef.” Dale says Hung’s smurf village was the craziest.

Fabio then asks Season One, “Out of ‘ole season, wha was your favori’ challenge?” Tiffani and Harold say street food. Harold remembers how Lisa kind of took a fall for him.

Marcel and Ilan say their favorite was the vending machine challenge, and remember Mikey’s Cheeto Dick. I miss Mikey. This reunion could use a little Mikey. Lisa and Richard say the toughest was Wedding Wars.

To his own season, he asks “How eentense waz to cook eena Top Chef keetchen?” Carla describes the experience as “ready, set, stress” and says the Le Bernadin challenge was her favorite. Fabio remembers her Green Eggs and Ham.

Stefan kind of flirts with Tiffani. Tiffani calls Stefan a “lesbian opitunivore.” I’m adding that to my vocabulary, which makes that the first positive thing Tiffani has contributed to my life.

They go into dinner. Fabio tells them “you’re all wiener een my book.” And they toast. Commercial.

Fake Back. Fabio voice overs “Heer eez nevair seen before cleep from Top Chef.” It’s basically Marcel making a jackass of himself in front of the judges when he was a sous last season, and then storming out. You know what, they should never have shown that. They successfully managed to keep him from making it all about him by not airing it during the original show, and now they’ve undone that and rewarded his behavior all over again.
Really Back. Season 3 has made a trio of seafood: sardine oyster and crab. You’re not getting a more detailed description than that because a) I wasn’t paying attention, and b) even Bravo knows this show was a huge turkey since they didn’t post any pictures from it. Tiffani calls Dale’s crab pierogi a trainwreck, but it kind of seems like she’s kidding a little.

Fabio asks how fair the criticism in their season was. Dale says he thinks everyone was unfairly criticized at some point. We then see a montage of the judges being critical.

We revisit cakegate from season one, where the chefs made a wedding cake from a boxed cake mix. The discussion is only made interesting by the fact that it’s capped by Ilan saying “boxed cakes are great” in a tone that almost makes me like him.

Season One made a scallop dish. They spent their budget on the wine. We see a montage of the chefs drinking.

Season Two made salt encrusted thai snapper. Everyone loves their dish. Ilan and Marcel bump knucks.

Fabio asks about people getting misrepresented. It starts with Marcel and Tiffani and spirals out to the Carla/Casey thing from last season. Harold says “I don’t want to talk about this shit anymore.”

Fabio tells them no one’s twisting their arm to be there “so don’ make me look like a deek.”
He asks Marcel to walk him through the head shaving deal. And we get to see it again.

Awesome. It’s totally fun to watch people get assaulted again and again on national tv. I'm so glad we get to see Cliff pinning Marcel down once a year, just like It's a Wonderful Life or A fucking Christmas Story.

Dear Bravo: you’ve done a lot of work with this show to get it pass the horrible mess you made of season two. Stop reminding us of it. Commercial.

Back. Season Four serves their corn fed beef. Richard describes the “Captain Crunch Air” as seasonal.

Casey says the “Howie/Joey showdown” was the most fun fight in the history of the show to watch. Bullshit, Casey. That’s not even in the top ten. I don’t even remember it, and I watch this show with greater attention to detail than any sane person would admit to.

Richard points out that that the Spike v. ladies v. Dale v. everyone was the worst, most involved altercation.

Season 5’s dessert is a raspberry panna cotta with an almond crisp and a rhubarb sauce.

We get a montage of stew room fun. CJ sings, Hung blows up a bunch of gloves. There’s dancing. Malarkey makes liquid come out his nose. Mark gets crammed into a cabinet. Season 5 plays volleyball and makes a glad bag bed.

Fabio toasts the Top Chef family. And, mercifully, this mess is over, and we can look forward to next week, and seeing Mike V. fight with Robin, and a reception where they appear to make some really bad food, and Nigella Lawson just being awesome all over the place.

Here Comes The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss

2009-11-05T07:02:00.000Z

Oh, look at that. I'm still wrong about the Phillies. Every. Single. Time.

Snicker.

Whatever. Congratulations, Yankees. Don't get used to it.

I know it seems like I checked out of the postseason pretty early this year, and that's because. . . I did. This is probably the first World Series in my entire life where I haven't watched a complete game. I just didn't care -- both teams make me want to vomit, and barring some sort of natural disaster that destroyed one of their stadiums and killed every member of both teams and a significant number of their asshole fans, one of them was inevitably going to win the World Series. So. . .Whatever.

I'm not thrilled with the outcome. I'm not heartbroken by the outcome. More than anything, I'm amused by the outcome.

How can you not be amused by an outcome where the winning team immediately produces this, the single lamest piece of memorabilia in baseball history?

Seriously, it's one of those times where I want to use the word "gay" as a pejorative, even though I don't do that, because that particular use of gay with the connotation of serious embarrassing lameness is the only way I can think to describe this stupid thing.

So enjoy your 27th ring, Yankees. And enjoy your gay little Jeter doll. Don't forget to buy him a gay little A-Rod doll so they can make out and inject substances that are totally legal in the DR into each others buttocks.

And congratulations to Fox, WaPo, alot,alot, Tyler, Beefy Muchacho, and CS for picking the Yankees, and to Beefy, FOX, alot, alot, and Tyler for picking the number of games. The final ranks for this year:

Beefy Muchacho = 34
Tyler = 28
FOX = 26
C S = 22
WaPo = 21
alot, alot = 17
momogus = 13
JES = 10
jordanbaker = 10
Lisa = 4.

Meaning that the All Time Board now has a new name and a new all time champion:

2009: Beefy Muchacho (34 points)
2008: I-66 (18 pts)
2007: FOX (20 pts)
2006: Jordan (23 pts)

Yeah, whatever. I'm no longer the champion on my own site. Big deal. Need I remind you that I singlehandedly caused the Phillies to lose by picking them and thus swinging my curse of eternal Phillies related wrongness to work against them rather than for them?

So that's all they wrote, folks. See you next year. Lets go, Cardinals!

Bumps, Baseball, Byron, and the Blues

2009-11-02T10:22:00.000Z

I've spent a couple of days thinking about what I wanted to say about this and whether I wanted to say anything about it at all, and even as I'm sitting here writing it, I'm still not sure whether I want to do it (part of me would rather sit here watching the game and being mesmerized by C.C. Sabathia's pants, which somehow bag out at the thighs like riding breeches, thus fitting unlike any other pair of baseball pants I've ever seen) or how it's going to work out, so bear with me here, ok?

So Monday morning, right? Espots, right? So I took myself off to the doctor, thinking that at best, I'd get a shot and a 5 day scrip for some Zyrtec or something, and at worst I'd get told "oh, you have scurvy" or something equally improbable, and sent home to treat myself with over the counter stuff and tell you all a funny story about how incompetent some doctors could be.

But a funny thing happened. The doctor looked at my bumps and said "well, this is clearly an allergic reaction, and we'll get you some meds to stop it before it starts to compromise your breathing." And I said something like "praise beautiful bald headed baby Jebus, there are still sensible people in this world," and put my blazer back on, and under her supervision, took two Benadryl, a Pepcid, and 60 mg of Prednisone.

And I even think I kind of impressed the woman who handed me the meds and my little cup of water by responding to her "and this is Prednisone, which is a . . ." with a quick "corticosteroid," and a skilled tossing back of the three pills in one gulp.

Because yes, I have watched enough episodes of House to know what class of steroids Predinsone is in.

More than that, though, my father was on it for awhile when I was 14 or so. And I seemed to remember it being a big deal, and I seemed to remember it having some fairly miserable side effects.

But again, I was 14 or so. Noticing anything outside myself was rare and unusual, and if I did notice other people being miserable, I probably assumed that it had something to do with meeeeeeee.

So it was not without hesitation that I left with a prescription in my hand for five days of the stuff at 60 mg a day. But I figured it's only five days, right? What's the worst that could happen?

Ha jolly ha, dear reader. Ha jolly ha to me. With knobs on.

I spent the first day or so making the predictable jokes about how my colleagues should watch out for my 'roid rage, and how I'd soon develop super strength.

And then it turned to the less funny but still trying to keep my head up: "three days on steroids, and I'm dehydrated, irritable, paranoid, hungry, and my heart is racing. No wonder Bonds was such an asshole."

And then it turned to things that I thought about saying, but didn't want to actually say because while they were still funny in my head, they violated my extraordinarily tenuous bounds of propriety: "four days on steroids, and I'm pooing every six minutes. No wonder they called LoDuca 'Captain Red Ass'."

I was eating like a fiend. Like. A. Fiend. Wednesday and Thursday, I actually ate four breakfasts. Four separate breakfasts, all before 11 a.m. I gained weight. My face, already round puffed up like a pumpkin -- just in time for Halloween, I laughed weakly. My head, huge to begin with, hit proportions only suitable for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

My hands felt like giant Mickey Mouse hands. My neck hurt. My shoulders hurt. My head killed. My clothes felt llike they were cutting into my body. My stomach felt like I was being punched, while doing sit-ups, while wearing pants three sizes too small. Even if I wasn't wearing any pants at all.

I felt very, very scared, and very depressed. I can honestly say I may never have felt this bleak before in my life, and this is coming from a person who once cried eight hours a day for a full week.

At one point I started to feel like I was crumbling, or disintegrating, or like my skin was falling off. I'm not quite sure how to describe it--imagine a person made of pixels, but the pixels start disappearing at the edges. Or imagine the introduction to Mad Men, but as the man is falling downard through the city, he's also coming to bits.

It had a very Saul Bass feel to it, is what I'm trying to say.

That's when I stopped taking it. That's also when I bothered to look up "prednisone side effects" on the interwebs, and how I learned that what I was experiencing was only the tip of a particularly nasty iceberg.

Anyway, almost four days since I took any of the beastly stuff, I no longer feel like I'm coming to bits. I no longer feel like my heart is racing.

My head still aches like a demon. My stomach still feels like it's being punched, while I'm doing sit-ups, and wearing my jeans from ten pounds ago.

I still feel very, very sad.

And the worst part, which I didn't even mention earlier, is still with me in full force: the insomnia.

Those of you who've hung around these parts for awhile know that I'm no stranger to insomnia. My sleep has been fractured, fragmented, or fucked up at least a couple of times a month since puberty. I've had weeks where I maxed out at two or three hours a night for the entire week, regardless of what I tried or took.

What's happened this week? Makes normal insomnia look like a pussy.

Wednesday night I slept three hours. Thursday and Friday night, maybe a fragmented, broken up, hour and a half each.

I spent those nights tossing wildly, trying to find a comfortable position, with all of those horrible "free credit report dot com" jingles racing through my head in turns.

I spent the days exhausted, trying to nap. Failing miserably; jerked out of the possibility every time it got even close.

My joints ached. I tried to go for a run on Saturday, thinking that between not sleeping the night before and just wearing myself out, I'd be able to catch something -- an hour, two -- during the day.

I was so exhausted that I ended up walking most of the 2.5 miles I'd planned out for myself. I got home, showered, fell onto the couch. . . and spent the afternoon staring at the ceiling or reading a book so quickly it felt like I was on speed.

Saturday night I finally got a solid night's sleep. . . after taking two aspirin and two Benadryl. I still felt like shit most of Sunday. My face, neck, shoulders, and stomach still hurt. I still kept trying to nap and not being able to

The point is. . .I don't know if there is a point. Maybe it's that sometimes doctors poo-poo you when you say it's an allergic reaction, and other times they listen and then overprescribe you a drug that makes you miserable. Maybe it's that I overreacted by going to the doctor instead of just taking two Benadryl in the first place.

Maybe it's that every time you discover a new form of insomnia, you're going to think it's the worst one in the world. . .until something happens that's even worse.

Maybe it's that as crazy as I still feel and may continue to feel for however long it takes for this crap to completely leave my system, I still felt better once I read up and realized that nothing that was going on was that far out of the ordinary, and that I wasn't alone.

Maybe it's that I needed to say that so that someone else might not feel so alone at some point. Maybe it's just that I needed to say that so I'd actually start to believe it, because some part of me always believes that things are only within my control if I can admit them in front of an audience.

Maybe I needed to say it because I needed to try and make it funny. Maybe it's because some part of me lives by what Byron once said -- and if I laugh at any mortal thing, 'tis that I may not weep.

And maybe the fact that I really still can't find it funny makes it fitting that tonight is the first time in years that I remembered the second part of that quotation: and if I weep,'tis that our nature cannot always bring itself to apathy.

Maybe I just need some sleep.

Project Runway: Deja Vu All Over Again

2009-10-30T07:02:00.000Z

Logan’s silver jeans
Could not save him forever
Zipper Explosion.

I have but a few thoughts on this episode, loves:

1) Althea: just because you don’t have any boobs doesn’t mean you should abuse your model’s like that
2) Heidi: who the fuck do you think you are, and how does someone who dresses with the aid of a seeing eye dog get a job judging a fashion competition?
3) The worst thing about this LA season is the parade of useless actresses with nothing to say but “I’d wear that” they’ve brought in to keep the guest judge chair warm.
4) Christopher: you’re still here?
5) How long before Gordana snaps and launches herself off the runway and stabs Heidi because she can’t take the criticism anymore?
6) Irina may be “Meana,” but at least she’s got the chops to back it up. Unlikd some equally bitchy designers. (cough*Althea*cough)
7) Carol Hannah is awesome.

You’ll notice I have no thoughts about Logan. Logan never inspired very many thoughts in me. I know he was the official “hottie” for the season, but he was just so bland in every way. Maybe he was good looking. . .in the same way tapioca is a good dessert. If you’re ninety, and can’t take anything with any bite or flavor.

Also, I’m cat sitting this weekend, so since I’m currently in my suburban exile, I ended up watching the show alone. So you can expect a lot fewer interruptions than usual. . .and a lot less drunkiness. The espots I woke up with on Monday were, of course, an allergic reaction, and the medication I’ve been on since has the drowsy eye alcohol warning, not the winking eye alcohol suggestion.

So I haven’t had a drink all week. I’ve had 60 mg a day of steroids that make me want to go HULK SMASH!!!, but I haven’t had even so much as a sip of Eucharistic wine otherwise. So if this is more angry and less funny, or more coherent and less “blah, I don’t know—I can’t read my handwriting because I was drunk” than usual, then those are the factors to blame/credit for that.

Morning rises over Los Angeles, California. In the Project Runway Apartments, Christopher and Logan reflect on how there are six of them left, but only two boys. Christopher thinks he has to get the judges to “get it,” and worries about how his work has been all over the place.
In the girls’ apartment, the girls reflect on how it’s nice to have so many women left when fashion is so male dominated. Althea feels that she, Irina, and Carol Hannah are the best designers left. Gordana says that at this point they need to show their imagination. Carol Hannah says she needs to show that she can do more than dresses.

Runway! The designers, for some reason, have their backs to the runway. They hear rustling as Heidi emerges, and Christopher describes it as “one of the most horrifying moments.” I get nervous when I hear Heidi rustling up behind me too. They turn, and their winning looks are on stage. Carol Hannah hopes they don’t have to cut them up.

The challenge is to create a companion piece that compliments and enhances their best look. Logan hates that his is the only one that’s not a “winning” look, but he’s happy with the dress the judges chose—his red carpet dress from the first challenge.

Irina thinks this challenge will point out where the real talent is and who the lucky wins were.

At the Fashion Institute, Tim greets them and says they have 30 minutes to sketch before heading to Mood with $100. Naturally, they only have until midnight to complete the look. Because god forbid they ever give them more than a day during this season – we wouldn’t want them to have enough time to actually develop a look.

Sketching! Althea is going to take the waist from her whore suit skirt and put it on pants. I hope she also changes that saggy tit tank top she made, because that was the worst.

Irina says this challenge reflects how you build a collection. Gordana is imagining a blazer, top, and pants to go with her divorcee look. Christopher plans on making his short dress into a gown version with a different spin on it.

Mood! They have $100 and 30 minutes to shop. Fabric flurry! Logan’s idea is to work with the zipper concepts from his previous design. He buys 40 zippers. Christopher starts out trying to find the same satin he used for the first look, but then changes to a silver version.

Irina changes her design at the last minute after finding a beautiful dress fabric. Carol Hannah is determined to avoid the feathers and sequins from the previous winning look. She tells Tim about her pants plan, but he warns her that she may not be able to take risks and succeed out of her comfort zone. Time! Thank you Mood!

Workroom! Carol Hannah reflects on how her concept is still developing and she has too many ideas. Then she gets coffee. Irina is working with the pattern of the fabric to place it in a way that’s flattering to a woman’s body. She wants this look to be clean and polished. Althea works on getting her pants done first because they’re the most tailored part of the look. Logan nostalgically says “they look like Malvin’s pants.” Aw, Malvin. You and your egg look. So kooky, and one of the few things that made this season slightly interesting. We miss you.

Gordana reflects that there’s more tension now that they’re so close to the top three, and no one wants to go home. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Commercial!

Back! 8 hours until the end of the day. Christopher reflects on how now more than ever, the pressure’s on because “one of us is going home.” Duh.

Logan thinks his chances of going to Bryant Park are good. Logan has not seen the show, has he? Gordana reflects on how she grew up in Bosnia as a Bosnian Serb and her parents are farmers. We see a picture of tiny Gordana. Aw.

Carol Hannah worries that her look is in “that weird stage right before you fully commit to what you’re doing.” Christopher thinks that the judges will see his true personality when his gown walks down the runway. Logan reflects that Christopher has 30 yards of lining, and that while he often does these voluminous pieces, he does them in really cheap fabric.

Tim thru! Carol Hannah feels like hers is “a big scary mess,” and Tim responds “you’re not going to get a lot of argument from me.” He helps her layer some fabrics and she has a breakthrough. Aw.

Irina explains her huge sweater/tiny dress concept, and Tim says it’s completely unexpected. . .but in a good way. He does ask about the need for the cardigan.

He tells Christopher that his new dress looks like the original dress’s mother, and he needs to think about the positioning of his appliqués.
Althea tells Tim she’s looking forward to her model fitting. Tim is concerned about the difference in volume between the bottom and the baggy waist “because right now, it looks like it’s waiting for a diaper.”

He looks at Logan. . .or at Logan’s outfit. . .and tells him “I’m excited already.” Logan explains his zipper collar concept. Althea says it’s the same collar she did on the Christina Aguilera challenge. She’s annoyed. Tim tells Logan it’s definitely in the wow category.

Gordana describes her inspiration as “a little bit rock and roll, a little bit industrial.” Ah, yes, the lesser known Osmonds’ song, “I’m a little bit Industrial, I’m a little bit rock ‘n’ roll.” Tim tells her to stand by the force.

( I don’t know what that means. I left it at “stand by the force” assuming I could fill in the details later, but I can’t remember what she was supposed to stand by the force of. Like THE force? Like Star Wars?)

In a side room, Althea and Irina messily eat sandwiches and Althea bitches about Logan stealing her collar. Althea says “I’m really bitter right now,” and you can tell it’s true because she looks 95 instead of her usual 75. Here’s to you, Miss Havisham.

4.5 hours left! Tim tells them to use their time exceedingly well, and sends in their models. The models arrive. Irina says of Christopher’s dress “what are you gonna say about it, except why is one dress throwing up the other.”

Althea then bitches to her model about how Logan is stealing her jacket idea. So now she’s talked about it to everyone except Logan. That’s pretty immature for someone so damn old looking.

Christopher is worried about sewing on all the petals because the first time it took him 8 hours. Irina thinks a lot of the others should be worried. They head home. Commercial!

Back! In the designers‘ apartments, Logan talks about how much pressure there is with just six of them. Carol Hannah reflects on how much she has to do before the show. Gordana says she just wants to “tveak” her look.

Workroom! Christopher still has about 100 petals to put on his dress, plus he wants to add a neck piece. Carol Hannah and the boys sew furiously and tease each other. They’re the only fun ones left—Gordana just seems broken, and Althea and Irina are bitches.

Althea is running out of time to completely hand sew her sweater. Gordana is looking for a hook and eye, and Irina refuses to give her one. Logan says “Irina has been nicknamed ‘Meana Irina’
for a reason,” and wishes the judges would come down on her.

Tim sends in their models for an hour of blah blah blah product placement.

Tanisha talks about how cute Carol Hannah’s dress is, and Althea gets annoyed because she keeps doing dresses and wants her to be labeled a one trick pony. Ok, Miss saggy tits tank with a short skirt. Lets talk about one trick, and how people who can’t fit boobs to save their lives in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Ten minutes! Gordana says she likes this challenge. Logan thinks she’s taking the challenge too literally and says Gordana’s dress reminds him of his grandma’s couch, except his grandma has better taste. Dayum.

Althea reflects on how she’s not going to say anything about Logan copying her collar, and Irina points out in an interview that the whole time Althea's been whining about Logan stealing her collar, she’s been copying the big sweater from Irina’s Aspen look. “I’m like are you insane or are you blind?” Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi greets them wearing an absolutely tragic outfit— I am simultaneously heartbroken and unsurprised that Lifetime didn't post any full body pictures of it, because it's the worst thing ever, and completely undermines whatever "credentials" she had to be a judge in a fashion/taste competition. It's a pair of silver Bermudas, some sort of explosive pepto colored top, and a black velvet cropped blazer. And this is the woman we have judging a fashion competition? This is the arbiter of taste? What a fucking joke. She shouldn’t be allowed out of the house looking like that, and yet she’s going to make stupid jokey comments about actual designers work? Jesus.

Anyway, he judges are Nick Verreos! Yay, Uncle Nick! And there’s Nina, and there’s Kerry Washington, who contributes pretty much less than nothing to the proceedings.

Runway! Carol Hannah’s is a cuteish little black dress, a vamped down, casual version of her Mackie look. Althea’s is another saggy tit tank, but with a cape sweater and some tragic Malvin pants. Logan’s is a puffy skirt with kind of a rocker chick vest on top.

Irina’s is a big brown sweater jacket with fur cuffs over a brown batiked cocktail dress. It’s cute. Gordana’s is very basic; a grey fun blazer over a black skirt or dress. Christophers is. . .very flamenco. The detailing is kind of fun, but it’s so what he’s done every time.

All the models come out. Christopher explains how he pulled the textural elements out of the first dress. Nina thinks the proportions don’t work because it’s so bottom heavy she looks like a carnival float. Nick thinks it needs editing. Heidi thinks the top is good, but not the bottom, and Kerry Washington says it looks like two gowns.

Irina says her look is an evening look with the spirit of her Aspen look. Nick thinks it’s “uptown chic” like she’s “a former Russian model who married a millionaire.” Kerry Washington thinks it’s both elegant and cozy. Nina thinks the coat and the shape are brilliant, but she doesn’t like the tight brocade dress underneath; she thinks it looks cheap. Heidi likes it, but then look at what Heidi’s wearing. Do we really want to take her judgment seriously?

Gordana tried to take the edginess of the original and make it elegant. Heidi doesn’t think “this is fun, fashionable, beautiful at all,” and that she’s made Matar look old and drab. Kerry Washington thinks it’s passive. Nina thinks the jacket is dated, and Nick says it looks like an office worker in Warsaw.

Carol Hannah explains how she wanted to play off the texture of the previous look. Kerry Washington thinks the simplicity is delicious, and Nick compares it to Ava Gardner. I love Nick. Kerry Washington loves the pockets.

Logan says this is the “pow-wow” piece from the same collection as his first dress. Except he means “Pow! Wow!” like Batman, and not Pow-Wow, like Native Americans. He just says it all in such a monotone that it’s hard to tell. Nina thinks it looks like a fashion project from a student. Nick says it looks ‘80’s and Judy Jetson.

Althea explains her look, and Heidi says she wants it. Yes, but. . .again, lets look at what Heidi’s wearing, and decide if we’re shocked that she wants to wear some insane jodphurs and a top that makes her tits look like they’re hitting her knees. Kerry Washington thinks the sweater is gorgeous. Heidi asks who had the first idea for the sweater between Irina and Althea. Irina says there’s been some resemblance of things in the workroom, and Nick says that’s inevitable to a degree. Althea keeps sputtering about how it was in her original sketch. Yes, doll, but it was in Irina’s original sketch last week. Just like that collar you kept bitching about may’ve been in Logan’s original sketch this week, but your complaint is that it was in your look prior to that.

In other words? Pot? This is kettle. You’re black. Oh, and really, really old looking.

Deliberation. Heidi thinks people could wear everything Irina designs. Nick says it’s the perfect outfit for arm candy, and Nina says everything she does looks luxe.

They think Althea’s construction was good (are they not seeing that goddamn top??? What does this woman have against boobs?). Nina says the model felt good in it. Yes, because suddenly that’s a criteria.

Carol Hannah’s dress was beautiful and sweet. Kerry Washington thinks she kept it young and sweet, and they all rave about the pockets.

In the bottom group, Logan’s was “space odyssey 2001” according to Nick, and Heidi compares it to an 80’s music video background singer. Kerry Washington compares it to a lizard who has the neck ruff that puffs out when it gets angry. Ha! Ok, so maybe she contributed something

Gordana’s was neither edgy nor elegant. Heidi says it was "the saddest thing". Heidi clearly hasn’t been around any mirrors today, and so has escaped noticing her own tragic clown couture. Because that shit is just screaming Ridi, Pagliaccio, if ever I’ve seen it.

Moving onto Christopher, Kerry Washington wanted to like it, and Heidi says mockingly that “he worked really hard on making 2000 petals.” Heidi is such a fucking bitch this season. I want something to happen to her like happened to Carrie on Days, when someone threw acid in her face and ruined her teen modeling career. Remember that?

Commercial! I get a text from one of the gays: “Snaggletooth Oldface has a camel toe.” “And a bad attitude,” I reply. Seriously, I found myself wondering during this episode why they’d given Irina the bitch edit when Althea clearly spread her share of stank around the room as well.

Oh my god, that mean stylist judge is going to have her own show? Worst idea ever.

Back! One of you will be the winner. . .and one of you. . . will be AUWT. Carol Hannah is in. Althea. . .is the winner. Irina looks pissed. Snaggletooth scrunches up her nose like she thinks she’s cute and offers to make one for each of them.

Then she says how it’s unfair to accuse someone on the runway in front of judges, and how that’s not an issue of stress, it’s an issue of character. Yes, because bitching about someone behind their back for a full day without having the balls to talk to them about it is a great sign of character. Ugh, how many more weeks do I have to waste mental energy on this dreadful hag?

Irina is in. Christopher is in. Wow. That’s a shocker.

So it’s down to Logan and Gordana. One of them will be Auwt. Gordana’s suit had nothing to do with her previous look, and was sad, drab and dated. Logan’s look was too tricked out, and looked like a bunch of zippers exploded on his dress.

At this point, I almost want them to send Gordana home, because it would be a mercy killing preferable to watching Heidi abuse her on the runway for another week. But Gordana. . . .is in.

That means Logan is out. He’s surprised that he’s going home for taking a risk and showing innovation. He says he’s not a designer for middle America or 90% of the population. Tim hugs him and says he’s a great designer. Logan is looking forward to the future and the opportunities he knows will come his way.

Next! Fashion week is at your finger tips! Last challenge! Althea is like King Kong! It’s looking a lot like roadkill! Christopher, what? Not so great from the back! Are you confident in this. . .as your final. Challenge. Look?

Top Chef Vegas: She don't eat meat, but she sure likes the bone

2009-10-29T06:53:00.001Z

Leeks are not proteins
No matter how you slice it
It is what it is.

So lets look at the good news/bad news take on Mike I’s ouster. In the bad news category: it means another week of Robin. If you’ll look to the left, you’ll notice that Robin is handily winning the “doesn’t deserve to be here” poll.

On the good news side: no more Mike I! Whee! Though they’d kind of backed off of the “fucking sexist douche” emphasis in his edit in the last few weeks – mostly by cutting back on his interview time in a big way – he still came across as a jackass every time he opened his mouth.

And it was infuriating to me – and, apparently, to the judges as well – to see someone who’s given such consistently middle of the pack performances acting so cocksure. It’s like he actually believed he was Teflon, and there was no way they’d send him home for his undercooked leeks and mediocre carrot mash.

So thank you, Mike I. Your douchey attitude is probably one of the things that saved Jen this week. Soon I will come to your restaurant for the sole purpose of mocking you (and drinking cocktails).

Morning! Top Chef, Vegas luxury cheftestant compound. Michael sharpens a knife and Jen reflects on how embarrassed she is about losing Restaurant Wars. Robin, however, is happy with how it worked out, and thinks she’s holding her own.

They head for the M resort for the quickfire, where Padma awaits them with Paul Bartolotta. Padma says that this round is about “the takeover”—they’re taking a classic TV dinner and remaking it. Hm, that sounds more like a makeover than a takeover if you ask me. They draw knives for one of seven classic shows to be inspired by—Sesame Street, The Flinstones, Gilligan’s Island, MASH, Cheers, Seinfeld, and The Sopranos. They have 60 minutes.

Food flurry! Robin says she was never allowed to watch TV, so she’s never seen a whole episode of Sesame Street. She plans on basing her meal on Cookies and eggs for Cookie Monster and Big Bird. Clearly she’s never seen Sesame Street—if she had, she’d know that Big Bird is a boy, and cannot lay eggs.

Michael is doing a spin on bar food for Cheers. Jen wanted to do something with a bone in it for Flinstones, but ends up doing a chicken roulade. She says she relates most to Pebbles, because Bam-Bam is kind of cute. “I don’t like that he carries a club and pulls her by the hair, but. . .could be kinda fun.”

Bryan is making homestyle American food to reflect what the troops would’ve missed during MASH. Kevin is pulling his own family’s ties through food to the importance of family in the Sopranos. Time!

Padma and Paul Bartolotta sit on a retro looking couch in front of an old TV and eat. They start with Jennifer’s Flinstones Chicken Voulade with Garlic Cream, Pea Salad, Caramelized Peaches. Voulade? VOULADE??? To quote The Google, Bravo – did you mean roulade?

Then Mike I presents them a Seinfeld inspired Sausage and Peppers, Mushrooms and Cheese, Warm Fruit Salad, and admits he’s never seen Seinfeld. Clearly not, since if he had he would’ve made soup, or kasha, or a big salad, or a black and white cookie, or Cornish Game Hens (because the rooster has sex with all of them). Kevin’s Sopranos Meatballs with Polenta, Roasted Cauliflower, and Roasted Pear gets praised by Padma for the cauliflower.

Eli brings out his Gilligan’s Island inspired Macadamia Nut Shrimp with Sweet Potato Puree, Herb Salad, Cherries and Bananas. It’s followed by Michael’s Chicken Parmesan with Braised Swiss Chard and Cherry Pie for Cheers. Then Robin gives them her Sesame Street Burger with Egg, Crispy Kale, Carrot Salad and Almond Laced Cookie. And finally, Bryan presents his MASH inspired Meatloaf, Mashed Potato, Asparagus and Apple Tarte Tatin. They really like it.

Bartolotta says that Jennifer’s “eh” pea salad and off the mark roulade and Robin’s dry burger are “up for cancellation.” But Kevin’s consistently conceptual dish and Bryan’s beautiful meatloaf, have “a chance for syndication”. And the winner is. . .Kevin! Yay! A version of his winning dish will be featured in the new line of Top Chef Frozen dinners from Schwan’s .

WHAT?? Top Chef Frozen dinners? Are you freaking kidding me? What is this bullshit? Is that a shark I see? Is the merciless pursuit of branding opportunities about to force this once great series to jump it?

Anyway. Padma tells them that for their elimination challenge, they’ll be taking over Tom’s restaurant craftsteak at the MGM Grand. See, that’s a takeover, Padma. Tom’s menu will be theirs, and they’ll be responsible for feeding four judges and seven guests. Robin worries because she doesn’t eat a lot of steak.

Commercial!

Back! At the compound, Robin tells Jen they should “let a boy go home today.” Kevin and the boys talk about what they’re going to do with their meat. Heh heh heh. They head out to craftsteak.

On arrival, they all start going through the meat and celebrating how beautiful it all looks. It’s like Christmas! Meaty Christmas! Oh, look, little Sally! Santa has brought this fine lamb chop for you! And for your brother Billy, this nice piece of Waygu! And for Mommy, this pretty snappy lobster! Meat makes everyone sooooooo happy! Ho-ho-ho! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeaty Christmas!

And then Tom walks in and welcomes them, and tells them they have a special guest in town. . . Natalie Portman!

Eli informs us that “Natalie Portman is an actress whose really only important thing she ever did was in Star Wars which is the most important thing you can ever do.” Fly that geek flag, Eli. Fly it high.

Tom informs them that Natalie’s a huge foodie, and Natalie tells them about her likes and dislikes. . .and that she’s a vegetarian.

Jen thinks “Oh. . . shit.” Kevin worries about making vegetarian food in a steakhouse. Robin says she loves to cater to vegetarians, and thinks she’ll shine in this challenge.

Back to the walk ins! They start going through the vegetables and calling out what they’re going to use. Eli and Jen flip for Eggplant, and Jen loses and gets stuck with the baby eggplants. Mike I plans on doing “Leek Scallops,” because they’ll look like scallops. “Look like scallops, taste like shit,” Kevin teases.

Kevin explains that he and his wife go vegetarian for Lent. I love him so much more now. He’s an earnest little tree dweller, with convictions.

Robin is overwhelmed by the produce walk-in, and can’t focus.

Eli worries that he’s been sitting in the middle for this competition, and hopes this challenge will help him break out. Michael is doing different textures of asparagus, and trying to come up with something involving banana and polenta

Mike I has a problem with his water not boiling, and gets behind. Jen interviews that she’s never been a vegetarian, and she never, ever will be. She’s still unhappy that she didn’t get the good eggplants. Bryan worries about time.

Mike I only has a couple of minutes to plate, and his leeks aren’t completely done. He tries to plate it so that they have to eat all the components together to improve the flavor. Robin is scrambling and losing time, and hasn’t had her garbanzo beans on the plate. She wonders why she tried something new when she’s great with vegetarian dishes. Time dings, and she doesn’t finish three plates.

Commercial!

Back! The judges and Natalie Portman and some friends toast each other, and the servers bring out Robin’s Stuffed Squash Blossom, Beet Carpaccio, Fresh Garbanzo Beans and Chermoula. Oh, that sounds like a world of BURF to me, but then I have that whole beet thing going on.

Padma says she can feel her ankles swelling from the salt in the dish. Natalie says she’s never had fresh garbanzo beans before, and Tom doesn’t have any beans. The judges agree that there’s a salt/seasoning issue, but Natalie thinks it looks beautiful.

The next dish the servers bring out is Eli’s Confit of Eggplant, Lentils, Garlic Puree and Radish Salad. My first response to it is “it looks like a Mushroom Kingdom!!!” but that’s actually my first response to about half the dishes this evening. Anything that involves vegetables standing upright just screams Mushroom Kingdom to me.

Gail loves the texture of the eggplant, and Natalie likes the salad a lot. Paul finds aspects of the dish polarizing.

Michael wants Natalie to walk way from his dish saying “I don’t know why I liked that, but I just did.” His course is a Asparagus Salad, Japanese Tomato Sashimi and Banana Polenta.

Natalie really likes the banana polenta, and Gail likes the fact that he’s turning them upside down a little, but hates the big chunks of banana. One of the Natalie friends compares Michael to Picasso, and Natalie says it makes her “smile and laugh, and confused.” Which is pretty much what he was looking for. Smile, laugh, and confused = I don’t know why I liked that, but I just did. So. . .good on you, Michael.

Jen worries about her plate being smaller than the other plates that have gone out. Her dish is a Charred Baby Eggplant, Braised Fennel, Tomatoes and Verjus Nage. She nervously sauces everyone’s plates with her shaky hands.

Everyone whispers about how nervous she was, but Gail thinks everything tastes beautifully. She does think it feels less substantial than a main course, and Natalie says that’s often a problem with vegetarian dishes. The boy Natalie friend says it would be a “beautiful side dish. If there was an entrée sitting next to it. A steak, preferably.” Aw, I like Natalie’s gay.

The next dish out is Mike I’s Whole Roasted Leeks with Onion Jus, Baby Carrot Puree, and Fingerling Potato. Tom says his leeks are too rare. One of the Natalie friends likes the colors. Natalie wanted to like it more, and Gail thinks there was “a good idea in there, somewhere,” but that the execution was off.

Bryan doesn’t quite finish the plating, and worries that he could be on the bottom. His course is a Artichoke Barigoule, Confit of Shallot, Wild Asparagus and Fennel Puree. It’s like 3 leaves on a plate—if Jen’s was a side, this is an amuse.

Padma compares the garlic to “a little prick on the tip of my tongue,” and she and all the Natalie friends giggle, because they’re twelve. Then she says it’s big in her mouth, and Tom jokes “so it went from a little prick to big in your mouth?” and one of the Natalie friends says ‘”that’s what usually happens.”

RAUNCHY judges! They’re probably plowed off all the wine after not having any meat or anything to soak it up.

Kevin worries that his dish is sloppier than he wanted it to be, and instructs the servers that “the brown streak sits in the front.” Mm, that sounds appetizing. His dish is a Duo of Mushrooms, Smoked Kale, Candied Garlic and Turnip Puree.

Paul says it feels more like an entrée. Gail says it was meaty, but something was off with the kale, and Tom says it proves that vegetables don’t have to be light all the time.

Back in the kitchens, the chefs pack up. Mike I is really stressed, but not concerned, because he knows he’s going to pull through “I always do.” That's your death knell, right there folks. Jen, on the other hand, thinks she has a very high chance of going home. Commercial!

Fake back! The chefs are invited to eat at Paul Bartolotta’s restaurant at the Wynn, and Kevin tells them he once ate 130 chicken wings in an hour. “I didn’t get fat accidentally. This was a personal choice.”

Back! In the stew room, the chefs are busting out the wine. Padma calls back Kevin, Michael, and Eli. Kevin jokes that “Eli’s gonna get out there and be like ‘you guys call my name on accident?’”

Padma tells them they had their favorite dishes.

Tom tells Michael that he didn’t expect that bananas and polenta to work, but he found it to be fun and successful. Natalie liked the humor in the dish and wonders “who is his dealer, and does he want new clients?”

Gail tells Eli she found his dish beautiful, and Tom says that it was an interesting, fun dish to eat.

Natalie raves about Kevin’s kale and says it was “really, really wonderful.” Tom assures him they didn’t miss the meat at all.

Natalie says that the winner is. . . Kevin! Yay! Yay for my earnest little tree dweller!!! He’s proud that he won this challenge because it shows that he knows how to cook with vegetables, since they already know he can cook with meat. Padma tells him that he’s won a suite of GE appliances “just like the ones you’ve been using in the Top Chef kitchen.” Kevin’s response to this is appropriate given the reputation of the GE appliances for craptasticness—he giggles a little and says “ok,” in a bemused voice.

Michael is pissed that Kevin won “for a dish that I could’ve made in the second year of my apprenticeship.” They return to the stew room, where Eli calls back Robin, Jennifer, and Mike I.

Padma tells them they had the least favorite dishes. Starting with Mike, Natalie wonders why there wasn’t a protein. Mike explains that his idea was to serve the leaks “as a protein,” and Gail asks “you know that leeks aren’t protein, right?” Tom says the carrots were ok, but they couldn’t get past the raw leeks. Padma expected him to really ace this. Mike acts very nonchalant, and says "whatever, whatever" a couple of times. The judges are visibly annoyed.

Robin says that she definitely wanted to give them a protein, and she got excited by the fresh garbanzo. And then she talks a whole lot. Like.. ..a whole lot. Tom says “you’re referencing very different things, and you’re all over the map here.” He says the dish never came together, and Tom points out that two of them never got beans.

Padma tells Jennifer she didn’t see two hours on her plate. Tom says it felt like she was putting together a garnish, and Padma teases her that some of them were wearing the sauce. Tom points out that her performance is starting to suffer. She says if she has another day, she hopes she can prove she deserves to be there “if not, thank you for the chance.”

They go back to the stew. Mike continues to act nonchalant and say “whatever whatever,” and “it is what it is.” Ugh. What a tool.

Tom says he liked that this challenge threw them off their game. Padma can’t believe that Jennifer didn’t say “this isn’t going to be enough for twelve people,” and Natalie remarks that she’s super defeatist. Tom thinks she’s falling apart psychologically.

Gail says that Mike’s dish had several issues beyond the very poorly cooked leeks. She also says that he exuded arrogance, like “I didn’t do well tonight, but I’m not going to go home for it.” Natalie and Tom point out that the rest of the dish wasn’t great either.

Padma says there was a complete lack of idea in Robin’s dish, and Natalie agrees that it was a bad plan to do two things for the first time.

Commercial! Back! The chefs file back in to the judges’ table. Tom tells them that tonight’s challenge threw them a giant curveball, and that chefs are judged by how well they handle requests. He doesn’t know why Mike couldn’t cook leeks in two hours. Robin gave them a plate that was pretty, but unbalanced. Jen has really fallen apart in the last couple of challenges

Padma tells Mike to pack his knives and go. He’s upset that he was eliminated, and feels like he should’ve done a lot better than everyone else in this challenge because it’s his background. He goes out on a typically totally classy note by talking about how Robin is so much worse than he is, and how she should’ve been gone long ago.

Ah, Mike I. Remember, mortal, that you are douche, and unto douche you shall return.

Robin reflects that now it’ll be less backstabby and ugly in the house with Mike I gone.

Next time! Padma calls them from her bed! Michael pisses Robin off! Padma does some sort of exaggerated chewing action.

Fearless and Fairly Impish: World Series

2009-10-28T07:48:00.001Z

I've decided that I can either look at this as a no win or a no lose situation.

On the one hand, despite my single day lapse last summer, I hate the Yankees. In a big way. In fact, I've often declared loudly that they do not get to win another World Series in my lifetime.

Now, that's a gamble considering how long people in my family are inclined to live (what do you buy for a 95th birthday present, anyway?). And I'd hate to be wrong about a bold prediction like that.

And to top that off, I hate when I find myself rooting for the American League Team generally. The Designated Hitter rule is an abomination against God, and I only root for the American League team when the other choice is absolutely unpalatable (cf: 2002, 2005, 2007, 2008).

On the other hand, I've come to hate the Phillies as well. And yes, it's largely to do with their fans. And yes, you can tell me that laser pointer guy was one guy at one game, but GOOD fans, fans who cared about baseball and/or fairness, would've turned the jackass in as the delay in game while security tried to find him stretched past the ten minute mark.

Your fans? Booed your own stadium's security.

And you can say all you like about two million people turning out for a parade last year without a single incident of violence. But you can't judge a fandom solely on when teams are doing well. Yeah, you managed to turn out a lot of well behaved fair weather bandwagoners. Well done.

In 2003, when I visited your fair city, you turned out a 3/4 empty stadium on the verge of demolition to watch a team that was squeaking toward third in their division with an 86-76 record. And those people spent the entire time hurling insults --and lame insults at that (if you're going to heckle, heckle, but please explain to me how "hey Edmonds! Loan me $50?" is a heckle)-- "accidentally" spilling beers on me (if you're going to throw shit, be like the Mets fans and throw shit openly, don't be fucking passive aggressive about it and say "OOPS!" afterwards) and spitting chaw.

And then there's also the fact that I just can't get over a team with 120+ years of history and 2 rings. That's pathetic. That's like Cubs level pathetic, and at least they have a pretend curse involving bringing a goat to the stadium to blame things on.

So that's the no win portion of things.

The no lose?

I have been wrong about the Phillies in every single round of the postseason for the last two years.

If I root for them, and they win:
a) I break that streak
b) The Yankees lose.

If I root for them, and they lose:
a) The Phillies lose
b) I have singlehandedly caused that to happen.

Hmmmm. . . .

Jordan says: Phillies in 6
FOX says: Yankees in 6
WaPo says: Yankees in 7

(also, don't forget that this final round yields 8 points for the correct team and 4 for the correct number of games, so despite Beefy Muchacho's commanding lead, some of you are still in this thing if you're right and he's wrong. Not me. But some of you).

Deja Vu All Over Again. . .

2009-10-26T07:12:00.000Z

. . . is the theme of the last 24 hours for yours truly.

So first, I was watching Snapped last night as I drifted off to sleep, and I realized that the lead defense attorney representing the husband who shot his wife's teenaged lover was the same attorney I'd seen in an earlier Snapped representing a mother who shot her teenaged daughter's rapist.

And both of his clients pretty much got off! The mom got four years for voluntary manslaughter after shooting the rapist several times, reloading, and shooting him again as he was trying to crawl away. And the husband got reckless homicide, served 71 days of a 90 day sentence, and ended up with custody of both their kids.

So you had best believe: if I ever kill someone in Knoxville, I am damn well calling Bruce Poston and his impressive combover for all my legal needs.

Then I woke up this morning, scratched my left arm, and realized that that arm and my belly are covered in bumpy pink espots.

And I thought "Dammit, syphilis! It's not even Halloween yet!"

So I'll be toddling off to the doctor's this morning to see if we can sort out the cause of said espots. It's probably meningitis.

But in between those things, something happened that used to happen fairly often, but hasn't happened at all for the last six years: the New York Yankees advanced to the World Series.

The only people who picked the Angels were mighty momogus and alot, alot. Everyone else picked the Yankees, and three lucky souls called the exact number of games: Beefy Muchacho, JES, and myself.

So heading into the World Series, the standings are as follows:

Beefy Muchacho = 22
cs = 14
FOX = 14
mighty momogus = 13
WaPo = 13
Tyler = 11
JES = 10
jordanbaker = 10
alot, alot = 5
Lisa =4

Project Runway: Nico-Loss.

2009-10-23T07:25:00.000Z

Nicolas is AUWT
And all anyone can say is
It’s about damn time.

This is normally where I’d say something about how crappy and/or merited the results were (they were merited) or apologize in advance for the sparseness of my notes (they’re sparse) and/or the general feeling of drunkiness that pervades them (it’s pervasive).

But here’s the thing: last night, I made a fondue.

Inside a pumpkin.

And I’m so much more impressed by that than I am any of the more or less generic and predictable outfits that the designers churned out for the completely unchallenging “make a pretty outfit inspired by a place that inspired by Michael Kors” challenge that I really don’t have much else to say.

I will mention that I saw an ad for this episode that implied something would happen in the course of this to turn friend against friend, with dramatic drum accented camera pauses on Carol Hannah and Logan. And either that never actually happened, or I completely missed it. And you’d think in an episode where absolutely nothing happened, you’d notice if friend turned against friend. So fill me in if you have any information about that, please.

For the rest, yes, Nicolas deserved to go. But after so many consecutive weeks in the bottom, I can’t help but feel that Christopher and Logan must have some pretty potent blackmail on the producers to still be around.

Anyway.

Morning. Apartments. Carol Hannah talks about it being weird that Shirin is gone. Christopher feels like he’s the underdog of the top 7. Other designers say other very boring things, as they do at the beginning of every single episode.

They head to the runway, which, now that they’re not doing the model draw as part of this show anymore, seems like an incredibly pointless waste of time. Heidi gives them her usual dose of meaningless jibber-jabber about their next challenge, and they head off to meet Tim Gunn.

He awaits them at Michael Kors’ shop, with Michael Kors, and tells them that Michael Kors’ designs “personify quality, taste and style.”

I want to stand next to Tim Gunn and listen to him compliment me. It must be a simultaneously restful and empowering way to start your day.

Michael tells them that his collections are inspired by great locations. In this challenge, they’ll be creating a look inspired by a famous location. Specifically, a famous location that has inspired Michael Kors.

I find this kind of useless. Wouldn’t it tell us more about the designers at this point in the challenge if we saw something inspired by a location that inspired them?

Anyway, they drive back to the workroom. I swear, the reason all the challenges this season are one day challenges is because they spend so much time driving to meaningless location shoots to hear about their challenges. “Sorry, designers, you were going to have two days for this challenge, but since we spent three hours driving to the beach for two and a half minutes worth of footage, you now have forty minutes. Make it work!”

The designers choose their Kors locations. Carol Hannah picks Palm Beach; Nicholas chooses Greece; Althea chooses San Tropez because she can use that as an excuse to make another pair of whore shorts (spoiler alert!); Gordanna chooses New York; Irina takes Aspen; Chris takes Santa Fe; and Logan gets stuck with Hollywood.

They have thirty minutes to sketch, and this is –say it together now – a one day challenge. They have until 11 that night to finish their piece.

Sketching. Carol Hannah says that when she thinks of Palm Beach, she thinks of something that’s relaxed but put together. Althea says that San Tropez makes her think of ‘big yachts, and parties.” It makes me think of old Ban de Soleil commercials from the ‘80’s. Gordanna’s New York look is going to be sophisticated and Park Avenue.

Mood! They have $150 and 20 minutes. Gordanna buys a lot of jewels. Other people buy fabric of various sorts. Time!

Workroom! Logan says he’s going for something bohemian but comfortable, with tight skinny jeans. Yes, nothing says “comfortable” like a pair of yeasty-inducing jeans. Irina is making a 3 piece Aspen outfit with a hooded fur vest.

Nicolas is making something white which causes all the gays in the living room to complain about him making “more fucking Narnia.” Carol Hannah is making a dress that, in my eyes, is maybe too literal a take on Palm Beach since it actually has palm fronds printed on the fabric. Anyway, it immediately makes me think Golden Girls, but one of the other members of my viewing party calls it “Palm Beach Kennedy rape victim chic.”

It is at this point that I begin to suspect that the fellas are actually just yelling out any outrageous comment they can think of in the hopes that I’ll use them

Irina says something bitchy, but I’m too busy writing down “Palm Beach Kennedy rape victim chic” to catch the jist of it. And we go to commercial.

Back! Workroom. Tim arrives for his Tim Thru, and starts with Gordanna. Her focus is on a dramatic necklace, which is pretty awesome looking, but Tim worries about the fact that she hasn’t started the actual dress to go with it. Moving to Althea, he likes her muslin mock ups, which look to be the same goddamn shorts she’s made previously.

Does anyone feel like half the designers this season are just coasting without really trying at all?

Tim warns Christopher to avoid Santa Fe clichés, and tells him that while his belted look is nice “it can’t ALL be about the belt.”

Irina interviews that she’s surprised Christopher is here, and that his dress looks Amish.

Carol Hannah tells Tim that she’s trying to evoke the beach with her print. Tim thinks it’s kind of cliché.

To Nicolas, he says “different is good, as long as different is also stunning.” Logan gets a simple “you have some work to do,” which kind of indicates to me that Tim has given up on Logan. He tells Irina “you need to . . .watch every proportional relationship.”

Nicolas interviews that Irina’s garment is “borderline costume.” It’s nice to see someone bitchin on Irina for once since she does so much of it on others.

The models enter. Gordanna is freaking out because she only has a necklace.

Irina says there are “moments when I look around, and the level of craftsmanship and creativity hasn’t increased.” I hate to agree with Irina, but I agree with Irina. As I said: coasting.

An hour and a half! Nicolas is at a loss because he hasn’t worked with jersey. Althea interviews that “if Christopher can put that garment down the runway and not get eliminated, I don’t know what’s going on.”

My notes then say “Christopher admits that it’s like heruse.” If anyone wants to fill us in on what Christopher actually admits, or what heruse means, I’d appreciate it.

Is heruse even a word? It sounds French. Is it French? Sometimes when I’m drinking I go vaguely bilingual.

The designers head home. Nicolas feels like he’s in trouble, but thinks the 7 of them are an amazing group. Althea gives an interview about something, but I can’t hear her because every time they flash the tag that says she’s 23 on the screen, the gays all start yelling about how old she looks.

Sorry about that, Anonymous Hateful Commenter from Althea’s hometown of Dayton, OH.

Anyway, once people stop yelling “she’s 90!” and “she has total meth face!” and I can hear the TV again, Carol Hannah is giving the now ubiquitous comment about how weird it is that someone’s going home tomorrow. And we go to commercial.

Back! Gordanna cooks bacon. I knew I liked that girl. Carol Hannah worries that her dress isn’t what she wants to do. Nicolas says something that I don’t hear because it’s drowned out by a friend of mine talking about his insane hairdo, and how it looks like he styles it with olive oil.

It is at this point that I realize I am writing down more quotes from the people I watch with than from the show itself. Sorry. Can’t help it. They’re louder and funnier.

Workroom. Carol Hannah says she’s in a silent panic.

Tim sends in their models to do the usual bullshit. The models do the usual bullshit while the designers do the usual thing of running around finishing things up. Christopher interviews that he has the most to gain from Project Runway because he doesn’t have a design degree or as much experience as the others.

Commercial!

Back! Heidi does her usual thing of recapping the challenge, then introduces the judges. And hail, hail, the gang’s all here—we have both Kors and Nina for what I believe is only the second time this season. The guest judge is Mila Jovovich.

Showtime! Logan’s “Hollywood” outfit” is white pants with a blue tank top and a black vest. Under the vest, there are some Mork from Ork style suspenders. Althea has made bronze hoochie shorts with a white tank top. She says she can see her model walking the streets of San Tropez in it. “I can see her walking the streets in it,” someone in the living room says.

Nicolas has represented Greece with grey pants and a white top. Carol Hannah has made a green Uli dress for Palm Beach. Christopher’s Santa Fe look is a poufy bronze skirt with a blue top. Irina’s is an Aspen ski lodge outfit in browns and camels with a fur vest. And Gordanna has made a really basic platinum dress with a very dramatic necklace for New York.

Heidi tells Althea that she’s safe. She’s the only one who gets to leave the runway.

The judges start with Irina. Mila Jovovich says it’s hip, and has elements of a little girl playing grande dame. Michael Kors likes “the sex in the back” (heh heh heh), but thinks it’s maybe too literal an interpretation of an ‘80’s ski Aspen thing.

Moving to Christopher, Nina would have liked more vivid colors, and invokes Georgia O’Keefe. Yes, because a flowering vagina dress is what we all want to see on the runway. Mila Jovovich loves the belt because it has “1983 charm,” but Heidi points out that the belt is the only interesting thing.

Nina loves Carol Hannah’s choice of print, and loves the back of the dress. Mila Jovovich says she would live in it. Kors points out that it’s versatile, and you could wear it with flip flops or really dressy jewelry.

Yay, Carol Hannah!

They turn to Nicolas. Michael Kors tells him “ you got the wrong Greece. You got Grease, the movie.” Mila Jovovich likes the shirt.

Gordanna starts her critique by saying the dress isn’t great. Ok, lady, I know your ego has probably taken a huge hit from this competition, but you CAN’T start out by knocking your own design. Anyway, Mila Jovovich loves it, and wishes the dress was even simpler. Heidi thinks the necklace is amazing. Kors says that it’s sexy, sophisticated, and sleek.

Finally, they move to Logan who says that his inspiration was Lindsey Lohan and the Olsens. Burf. Nina says it’s just basic clothes. Heidi says she doesn’t mind it much, but Kors points out that he’s just made clothes, not fashion.

Deliberation! Kors says Irina’s outfit had runway power and looked Aspen, but Mila Jovovich thinks it’s almost too much. Nina says Gordanna’s fit the part, but Mila Jovovich thinks she needs to be more confident, and shouldn’t put down her own dress.

Damn, Mila Jovovich is kind of a negative Nelly, yes? Which is odd, because she managed to be so positive to their faces.

Finishing up the top group, Kors says Carol Hannah’s looked Palm Beach, but Nina says that she loved the fabric but thinks the dress needed something extra.

Starting the bottom group with Christopher, Mila Jovovich is surprised that the belt was so cool but the rest of the outfit was so sad. Of Nicolas, Kors says “nothing says Greece more than grey menswear.” And of Logan, Mila points out that “if this was called ‘Project I Didn’t Mind It,’ he should win.”

You know what? I kind of think this season SHOULD be called Project I Didn’t Mind It . There’ve been very few outfits I felt passionate about in a good way, and we’re in episode sodding ten.

Commercial!

Back! Heidi tells Carol Hannah she’s in. Irina. . . is the winner! And Gordanna is also in.

To the bottom three, Heidi tells them that they’re all very talented, “but you have to pump up the volume.” She tells Logan he’s in.

She warns Nicolas that he’s sadly missed the mark with this look, and reminds Christopher that he’s in the bottom two AGAIN, and calls his design wishy-washy.

Nevertheless, Christopher’s in. Nicolas is out. Mila Jovovich starts crying, and says she doesn’t know how the other judges do this every week.

Nicolas says he plans to take a break and move to London, Paris, or Japan. Tim is sad to see him leaving. The group in the living room is not.

On the next thrilling episode of Project I Didn’t Mind It: Facing away from the runway! We’ll see who the real designers are! Waiting for a diaper! This exploded!

Top Chef Vegas: Restaurant Wars.

2009-10-22T07:22:00.001Z

Best Restaurant Wars?
Laurine leaves for front of house
And Jell-O-y lamb.

Ok, let me tell you, poppies: I believe I’m already on record as not being down with the “Super Sized” episodes. I think that there’s rarely enough “show” in Top Chef to merit that extra fifteen minutes, and so it just makes it feel endless.

And plus, it makes my fingers tired with all the tappa-tappa-tappa-ing. Seriously, I type about 125 WPM. Have you tried typing that fast for an hour and fifteen minutes? It’s not sustainable. It’s like trying to sprint an entire marathon.

(I would like to pause and tip my hat to my high school typing teacher who taught me everything I know about touch typing. And also to my father’s family, who are a Brobdignagian clan from whom I inherited my giant man sized hands and long fingers that trip nimbly over keyboards of any size)

Anyway, I think if there’s any episode that should be super-sized in most seasons, it’s Restaurant Wars. Because there’s usually enough food and enough drama to fill an entire prime time line up, much less a flimsy extra 15 minutes.

But this season? Um. . .

Let me put it this way: it may, as Tom claims, have included the best restaurant they’ve had at any restaurant during Restaurant Wars, but it was also the most boring of all Restaurant Wars.

And Laurine left, and it’s impossible to get a good head of steam and snark or even relief worked up over that, because while Laurine had moments of . . . okay-ness. . . she also had long stretches of invisible mediocrity, and a couple moments of craptasticness. And plus, I was so convinced that Jen was going home that I’m too busy being relieved that that didn’t happen to memorialize Laurine much.

If you really need something, go back to what I said about Mattin. It all applies. Even the name/Who’s Line Is It Anyway? thing. Laurine, Laurine, Laurine. . .

So let’s go.

Morning! Top Chef, Vegas Luxury Cheftestant Compound. Jen walks out of the pool in a cute bikini. I kind of want one. Laurine feels good about still being there, and says she won’t let what happened yesterday affect her today. Kevin is sad that Ash has left because they can’t replace his impact on their dynamic, and the Voltaggios are fighting all the time.

It’s nice that he wants them not to fight. It’s like a kid worrying about his parents. Or in this case, a gigantic, bearded, tree dwelling kid worrying about his tattooed gay dads.

They skedaddle to the M Resort, where Padma greets them with Rick Moonen, who I enjoyed a great deal on Top Chef: Masters. Padma and Rick talk about team work, and say that they’re testing their teamwork in this quickfire with a tag team cookoff.

They draw knives to get teams. Everyone’s is blank except Jen, who gets first choice and Michael who gets second. They’ll get to pick their teams.

Jen wonders whether to split the brothers or keep them together. She opts to leave them together, and picks Kevin. Michael picks Bryan. Jen picks Mike I. Michael picks Eli. Jen picks Laurine, and Robin is with the Voltaggio/Eli the dick team. Robin thinks it will be a great opportunity for them to work together and “face the demons.”

I’m guessing if you pissed on Robin’s best shoes, she’d tell you it made an interesting pattern on the suede. And she’d give you that passive aggressive little beaten smile while she said it, so you wouldn’t feel at all guilty about it because it would be such an obvious attempt to make you feel like she’s putting on a brave face.

Anyway, each team has 40 minutes to make a dish. After ten minutes, they spell out until all four chefs have cooked. They can’t speak to each other, period, and until they cook, they’re blindfolded.

Kevin points out that this is a ridiculous challenge. And. . .yeah. It’s nice that they want to pretend it’s about teamwork, but really, they’re not working together on this at all. They’re working separately with the same ingredients. Communication is an essential part of teamwork, and they’re prohibited from communicating.

So really, it’s not about teamwork. It’s about this being a reality show where the producers can fuck witchu any way way they like.

The team with the most cohesive dish gets a significant advantage in the elimination, and $10,000 to share from the M resort. They have 30 seconds to decide the order in which they’ll cook. Michael V puts Eli first to pick ingredients, then Robin, then his brother and himself to correct Robin’s mistakes and finish. On the blue team, Jen is first “to get the kick going,” then Laurine and Mike I, and Kevin finishes because he’s the best plater.

Start! Eli and Jen start grabbing ingredients. Jen pulls proteins and starts a sauce and chops some mushrooms and things. Eli sears off some strip steaks and sautees some mushrooms, then starts breaking down some greens and things, and worries about the stylistic differences in their team.

Second round! Jen worries about her team not following the flavor profile. Laurine adds some scallops to the mix, and doesn’t know what the thyme is doing in the oil, but figures it out eventually.

Robin is impressed by how much Eli got done in 10 minutes. She makes an ouzo anchovy vinaigrette to use with some fennel.

Third round! Jen says that Mike I looks dizzy. He takes her pot of oil with thyme off of the stove, and starts another pot of oil with herbs for poaching the cod. This. . .seems ridiculous and arbitrary. It won’t end up counting, but it’s a very odd situation where he seems to have interpreted what’s happening correctly, but then tried to “fix” it by. . .doing the exact same thing. It’s odd.

Bryan says something about Asian ingredients. I’m too busy being puzzled by Mike I’s oil action to notice what specifically. And now I’m thinking about Mike I and oil action. Ewwwww.
Final round! Kevin says that it’s hard both to figure out what’s going on and to have the stress of finishing. He decides NOT to poach the fish, but to butter roast it.

Michael worries about finishing other people’s food, and says that the foundation is there, he just has to build a house out of it. He puts the steak in the oven and adds zantham gum to Robin’s “soy concoction.”

Time! Commercial!

The guys on Million Dollar Listing look like complete douchebags. This does not surprise me.

Back! Padma and Rick taste the Red Team's Pan Roasted NY Strip with Whipped Miso Avocado Puree. Rick compares the challenge to a game of telephone “you just have to leave little clues behind.” I wonder how Rick Moonen plays telephone—we didn’t so much “leave little clues” when I was young; we just tried to sort out things that sounded like dirty words so the religious kids would have to swear.

The Blue team has ended up with a Sablefish with Sauteed Mushrooms, Shitake Broth and Radish Salad, and Jen misidentifies the sablefish as trout, even though she selected it. D’oh.

Rick said both teams did an extremely great job. But the winner is. . . .blue team! Yay!!!! Laurine is excited to be in on a win and not in the middle. Michael V says it’s hard to lose a challenge you’re not in control of.

So having won, the Blue team gets an advantage in the next elimination challenge. . .RESTAURANT WARS! Kevin feels good about it because they have a strong team. Bryan is excited, but thinks it’ll be a tough competition.

They’ll be cooking at Rick’s restaurant RM Seafood at the Mandalay Bay, which has two floors with two kitchens. Because they won the quickfire, the blue team gets to choose their kitchen, which doesn’t seem like too much of an advantage.

Padma says this time they don’t have to arrange the décor, to which Jen replies “Good.” I, on the other hand, am kind of sad that we won’t get to witness the clusterfuck of a chef trying to design a restaurant that doesn’t look like wicker infused vomit from the wares available at Pier One. But instead, it’s all about the restaurant and menu concept, the execution of the food, front of house and service. Whoever does front of house and service is also responsible for a dish.

Today, two members of each team will go to Whole Foods with $1500, while the others will go to Restaurant Depot with $1500.

Rick asks them to honor and respect the reason he built his restaurant; he’d like their menus to be sustainable too, and gives them a seafood watch card to help them select their dishes.

Padma tells the blue team that they can either take the $10,000 they won for the quickfire or let it ride and EACH get $10K if they win restaurant wars. They decide to let it ride. Good kids!

Commercial!

Back! 30 minutes to plan. The blue team opts for no dessert, knowing that teams have gone home for bad dessert in the past. Laurine volunteers to do front of house. On the red team, they opt for a Modern American concept. Bryan says he’s strong enough in pastry that he thinks they could do good desserts. They’re going for one of Robin’s crisps and something by Bryan, based on a ganache that he recently lost a quickfire with. Michael shoots down some of his brother’s ideas, and points out that the ganache bottomed out in the quickfire.

In many ways, even though Restaurant Wars is supposed to be kind of the centerpiece of any season of Top Chef, it feels like this is really a transitional episode—it does more to amp up the Brother Tension and further that plot than it does on its own.

Shopping! The brothers go to Whole Foods with Jen and Kevin; Mike and Laurine go to Restaurant Depot with Robin and Eli. Eli works in a plug for the awesome “Sprint Mobile phones” they use to keep in touch. Robin accuses the other team of stealing their idea for sparkling water. Umm. . . yes. Because no restaurant in the history of restaurants has ever had sparkling water until you.

Compound! Eli puts on a suit to show off his front of the house look, and they name their restaurant REVolt – Robin, Eli, Voltaggios. CUTE. I know the judges give them some guff for this name, but I’d eat there. The blue team names their team Mission because of Mission style architecture.

Michael gives Robin some ideas for refining at her dessert. At this point, she acts like she appreciates the ideas and is glad for the touches his French technique can put on her fairly basic dish.

This will change by the end of the episode. Next morning! RM Seafood! The blue team takes the upstairs space, which is the more formal and elegant of the two. And then the food flurry starts, and they have 3 hours.

In REVolt, Robin worries about losing her voice in the team. Michael says he’s not discrediting Robin as a chef, but he feels like she’s out of her league.

At Mission, Laurine helps out with prep, and runs through their menu (we’ll get to that later, as always). Jen feels like they’re running further behind than they should be.

Bryan runs through the menu at REVolt. Michael thinks their food will be more playful than Mission’s. Eli and Laurine take off to get changed into their front of house gear and start running through things with their servers.

Tom does a Tom thru, conferring first with Laurine to ask about her involvement with the kitchen, then with the other chefs to check on the progress of the prep. At REVolt, he asks Eli if he feels like front of house is safer, then questions Michael about the order of authority in the kitchen.

30 minutes! Laurine instructs the servers; Jen feels like she’s in the weeds. Michael feels like his team is kicking into high gear, and tells his brother not to be a dick.

Customers arrive! Two minutes! Kevin says their team is not ready. Laurine is still in the kitchen with the servers doing her line up, and the lounge area fills up while she’s doing this. Jen is not ready, by far. Commercial!

Back! Laurine starts seating people and Jen figures that she’ll butcher and cook the fish to order if she has to. At REVolt, a diner wonders “what REVolt has to do with this menu.”

Eli welcomes the judges, and Padma orders two of everything. Padma and Tom hate the name.

Eli brings out their Smoked Arctic Char with Beet Sauce and Horseradish Cream and their Chicken and Calamari 'Pasta'. Padma says the chicken is amazing, and Rick agrees that he’d order it. Tom teases Padma about hogging their portion of chicken. Rick finds the char one dimensional and Toby agrees that it doesn’t pop.

I just want to know why beets are such an “in” ingredient. They’re more ubiquitous this season than anything, even blood oranges have been in the past. It’s like the world is conspiring against me.

They wait for their second course, and worry about the wait between courses. When it finally arrives, they get a Duo of Beef, Braised Short Ribs and a Cod with Mussel Billi-Bi. Rick finds the Cod melt in your mouth delicious. Some diner in a green shirt is impressed. Toby isn’t overwhelmed by Bryan’s “meat and potatoes.” Tom enjoyed it, but wished it hadn’t been served cold.

In the kitchen, Robin asks Michael to let her serve her fucking dessert, and Michael gets offended. They argue more about the serving size.

Finally, Eli serves them the Chocolate Ganache with Spearmint Ice Cream and Chocolate Tuiles and the Pear Pithivier. Toby thinks the dessert is easily the best thing Robin’s done so far, and Rick compares it to a perfect massage. Rick says the ganache is beautiful, but Toby would like more ice cream.

They then talk about Eli, and Rick says he likes his intensity.

The judges move over to Mission. Tom points out the absence of desserts right away. If he marks them off for that after the whole Hosea winning without making a dessert abomination last year, I will flip my shit.

The first course at Mission is Arctic Char Tartar and Asparagus and Six-Minute Egg, which Laurine doesn’t bother to introduce to them. The judges start eating and Padma asks for salt. Mike I doesn’t understand why she asks for salt, since he seasoned it personally. The judges like the asparagus, but find it boring.

Laurine then goes around to apologize for the wait, and realizes that having Jen work on 2 intensive fish dishes for the same course wasn’t the best idea.

Ultimately, the judges get their second course, and Rick again laments the lack of explanation. Padma calls Laurine back to tell them about the Trout with Hazelnut Butter and the Bouillabaisse. Tom thinks the halibut in the bouillabaisse is ok, but says the consommé isn’t consommé because it’s not clear. He also says that the trout is a disaster, and that the butter sauce on it is broken. AUGGGH. This is the first time I’m actually worried about Jen.

Kevin worries about the temperature on the lamb and communication with Laurine.

Laurine serves the judges their Lamb with Carrot Jam and their Pork Three Ways. Toby frets about how no one asked how he wanted the lamb, and it’s all (under)cooked the same way. They like the pork dish better, and Toby says he misses having a desert. I'm FINE with Toby saying this because it's consistent with the position he took in the Season 5 finale. If Tom had said it, though, I would've flipped my shit.

At the end of service, a waiter at REVolt hands giant sunflowers to the patrons. The diners think everything was delicious.

At Mission, Mike worries that they’re all going home together, and a diner says she’d like to have heard more about the dishes. Mike interviews again about how they all feel like crap about their performance.

Commercial!

Fake Back! We flash back to Michael and Robin fighting in the line, and Michael talks about what it takes to be a good leader, and how there’s no room for yelling and swearing in the kitchen. We see footage of him yelling and swearing in the kitchen, and then he says people mistake his confidence for arrogance.

Really Back! Stew room. Kevin worries that it might have been some of the worst cooking they’ve done in their careers, and Mike I agrees that if the blue team wins, the red team must’ve done a horrible job.

Padma calls back REVolt. They are the winners of Restaurant Wars. Tom tells them it’s the best restaurant war restaurant they’ve ever had. Toby says if he’d reviewed it, he would’ve made fun of the name and criticized Eli for being underdressed, but then given them 3 dishes.

They praise all the dishes, with a few dings for Eli’s char. There’s a little fight about whether Michael “helped” Robin with the dessert or “dominated” her. I'm beginning to think that this is the real secret to everyone hating Robin -- it's not just that she's significantly older and talks too much, it's that she smiles and takes your advice to your face and then acts like a put upon victim who was forced to bend to your will to the judges.

Anyway, Rick announces that the winner is .. .Michael! Yay! Rick gives him an autographed copy of his book Fish Without a Doubt, which he describes as “my bible.” So his own book is his bible? That’s, um. . .shockingly arrogant. It’s like if I said this blog was my bible.

And now prepare ye for the first commandment of Jordan: and thou shalt eateth the bacon often, and with great gusto. And thou shalt eateth it with peanut butter, and thou shalt eateth it with chocolate as well as with thine eggs for breakfast. For yea, bacon is good in all things, and all things are good in bacon. This is the word of . . .me.

Anyway, in better prize news, Padma gives him the $10,000 the other team forfeited. He asks if he can split it with the team. Aw.

Stew room. Jen asks if anyone wants to cuddle before she goes home. Mike wishes he’d worked front of house because he has more experience running big restaurants than Laurine.

They all clap for Michael before the blue team goes back. Michael asks Bryan if he’s pissed. Bryan denies it, but wants Michael to keep his share of the $10K, and admits in interview that he is pissed about his brother’s unprofessional behavior being rewarded.

Judges’ table. Tom asks if they should’ve split up the courses differently since they were each essentially responsible for both dishes in one course.

Starting with the first courses, Mike was happy with the asparagus, but worried about the char. Padma says he’s exactly right. He’s obviously safe. Booo.

On the second course, Jen says she could’ve done some things better, and worries about cooking things to order. Toby says that the good components of the dish nullified each other, making the dish less than the sum of its parts. Tom knocks her on the broken butter sauce, and Jen says she’s feeling pretty broken right now.

Padma calls out the third course on being too rare and compares the lamb to Jell-O. Tom asks Laurine why she didn’t take the initiative to make the dish more to her liking. Toby says she was like a deer in the headlights as Front of House, and calls her out again for not educating them about the dishes. She says she was reflecting the anxiety of the kitchen, and Tom says it sounds like they needed a leader.

Deliberation. The judges talk about how the chefs all knew they didn’t have a good meal. Toby points out that nothing went seriously wrong with Mike’s dishes. Tom says Jen was insane for steaming to order, and they talk about how disappointing the trout was.

They talk about Kevin being responsible for the lamb since he cooked it and it was virtually raw, and Laurine being responsible for it since it was her dish. There’s also more about how crap she was at front of house. Commercial!

Back! Tom reminds them that they were absolutely horrible and are an embarrassment to the proud tradition of restaurant wars. Jen had several things wrong with her dishes. Kevin’s lamb was bad, but the pork was good. Laurine was bad at running front of house, and hid when things got tough. Mike didn’t have anything bad about the dishes, but nothing was great either.

Padma tells Laurine to pack her knives and go. Oh, thank god. I was so worried that it would be Jen.

Laurine says it was a harder experience than she ever imagined. She feels like every obstacle she hurdles makes her stronger.

Someone asks Kevin what they said, and Kevin doesn’t want to talk about it because he’s “really angry right now.” Hm. I wonder why? What didn’t we see that would explain my delightful tree trunk dwelling Kevin’s anger? Were he and Laurine that close? Is he that unsettled about being lightly dinged for his role in the lamb fiasco?

The world may never find out.

Next! Natalie Portman! Likes and dislikes! Robin’s going to shine! Mike I’s in the weeds! It’s disgusting and Natalie’s confused.

Well, Phuck Me.

2009-10-21T00:04:00.000Z

I take some minor consolation in the phact that Beephy Muchacho got the only perfect score for team and number of games (6 points), and only Mighty Momogus, Lisa, and the main stream media were right on the winning team (4 points).

The rest of us? Phailures.

Halfway through the League Championship Series:

Beefy Muchacho = 16
Mighty Momogus =13
FOX = 10
WaPo = 9
c s = 10
Tyler = 7
alot, alot = 5
JES = 4
Jordan = 4
Lisa = 0.

Project Runway: Gitchy, Gitchy, Ya-ya, Da-da.

2009-10-16T07:28:00.001Z

Poor Persian Princess
X-ed out by Ms. X-tina
For witchy poo dress.

(If you're looking for baseball, go here)

Ok, kids. Normally I'd be all full spitty anger about Shirin going home, because in all honesty, she and Carol Hannah have been my favorites for awhile now.

And I'm sure I am somewhere on the inside. But here's the thing: my sleep cycles, while fucked up normally, have been more fucked up than usual lately. On Monday, I slept twelve hours. The last two nights, I think I've slept probably a patched together maximum of four hours each.

If I don't take a decongestant, my nose is runny, and I can't breathe, and I don't sleep. If I do take a decongestant, I feel like I've been smacked upside the head with one of those carnival "Show Your Strength" hammers for about twelve hours afterward.

So last night, I eked out about an hour of non-drugged sleep, until one, then woke up and tried to get back to sleep for about an hour after that, but couldn't because Beyonce's "Halo" --which I HATE -- was racing through my head, and my nose was running.

So I took a decongestant at two twenty, and spent about an hour writing my notes up while it kicked in before returning to bed at 3:15 for about 3 hours of drugged sleep prior to waking up to the hammer-smacked feeling.

And if this post rockets back and forth between sheer tired rage and stoned vagueness, now you understand why.

And Shirin, I'm sorry that this happened when you were AUWT-ed, and I can't coherently say how much I'll miss you. Because I will miss you. You're adorable, and I liked your clothes a lot.

Anyway. Let's just do this thing.

Morning! Los Angeles! Christopher makes his bed and worries about being in the

In the girls’ apartment, Shirin feels like she’s proved herself. Carol Hannah feels like just because she hasn’t won doesn’t mean she’s in the bottom.

There’s some more equally meaningless chitchat, and then they cut to the Runway. Heidi, in some truly awful pants, waits to tell them about their next challenge. In her enigmatic German fashion, she says that if they “really want to shine, your look must upstage the rest.”

They all ooh and ah over what this could possibly mean. Oh, Heidi Klum. You are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in some terrible, terrible pants. And then wrapped in schnitzel.

The designers go to meet with Tim, who is waiting for them with Bob Mackie. Since they’re seeing this in real life, and so don’t have helpful captions to read across the bottom of the TV, Tim lets them know that “Mr. Mackie is frequently referred to as the Sultan of Sequins.”

Boy, it’s too bad Charlie the divorcee isn’t here to have her “'Half-Breed' moment” this week.

Their challenge is to create an extravagant stage look. Bob Mackie tells them that designing for the stage “is not fashion; it’s a whole other place.”

Tim says their stage look must be in the style of Bob Mackie, and that they’re designing it for. . . .Christina Aguilera.

Is she still spelling it Xtina? Should I even care? Anyway, Nicolas declares that this is “the best Project Runway moment ever.” I’m sure Nicolas could find people who would disagree with him on that. Like I bet that the five people who’ve won would call the moment of their winning the best Project Runway moment ever. Personally, I still vote for Michael Kors saying “that crotch is just insane to me.”

They’ll have 30 minutes to sketch in the wonderous and not at all thrown together on a $6 budget just for this challenge museum of 7 Bob Mackie dresses that they’re standing in, and then $300 to spend at Mood. It’s a two day challenge, which is nice. So many of the challenges have been one day-ers so far that I was starting to believe that they’d produced the entire season in a little over a week. It was probably the only time they could find in the last decade where Heidi wasn’t pregnant.

Christopher says that this challenge is “frightening and exciting and exhilarating,” while Carol Hannah says she’s under more pressure for this one than she has been for the other challenges.

Mood! They all buy a lot of shiny shit and feathers. Carol Hannah says that her strategy is to “buy as many different things as I possibly can and figure it out later.”

Thank you, Mood!

Workroom! Everyone unpacks their fabrics. Althea says she feels like she’s just had Christmas. In Althea’s family, it’s apparently the tradition to exchange giant bags of cheap sequined fabric rather than actual gifts. In another corner of the room, Irina shit talks Shirin. Irina shit talking other girls is becoming a major theme of this season. I’m guessing it’s been a major theme of Irina’s life to date.

Nicolas reminds Christopher that there are four challenges left after this one. Christopher freaks out a little. He is making an “’80’s punk prom kind of look” with a beaded corset. This can only be a tremendous failure.

Carol Hannah is hesitating on what to make because of the pressure of the challenge and how much of a stretch it is for her from what she normally does. Logan tells us “I don’t follow Christina as close as some of the other designers.” This is Logan’s way of reminding us that he doesn’t have The Gay or The Vagina.

There seems to be some sort of general good natured horseplay, during the course of which Christopher swoops Carol Hannah up in his arms and carries her around. It’s cute.

Gordanna says that having immunity is “nice.” Then the beads start falling off her dress in huge rows. She says she’s too frazzled.

End of day one! Commercial!

Back! Next Day! As the sun rises over the block like buildings of the Los Angeles skyline, Gordanna melts out of a chair in the girls' apartment. Carol Hannah, who is sitting on the floor doing her eye makeup, reassures her that she’s not starting from square one, but Gordanna says she is. She vows to be “Speedy Konsalez.”

Andale, Andale! Macht Schnell! Macht Schnell!

Remind me to tell you my dirty joke about Speedy Gonzales sometime.

Workroom! Fashion Flurry! Tim comes in to do his Tim Thru. Starting with Christopher, he says he’s feeling a “general disappointment” with the look, and that there’s “an overall primness to it” and that it’s “1999 in the costume department.” He calls Gordanna’s dress “matronly,” and tells Nicolas “I thought you moved your winning look over here for inspiration.”

There is then much rejoicing in the living room, as we’ve all spent the last twenty minutes yapping about how Nicolas seems to be using the same three white sequined fabrics that he used to make his White Witch in a High School Production of Narnia costume from the movie challenge.

He then goes over to Carol Hannah and tells her that he can see her look “being very Christina.” However, Shirin’s “looks like Guinevere meets Vampira” for “a 16 year old’s really bad prom.”

Irina interviews that she just doesn’t know why Shirin is still here. Increasingly in this episode, it feels like the only reason Irina is still here is to talk shit about the other female designers.

Fashion flurry! Shirin is scrapping her look and starting over. She has a sudden inspiration, and then the models come in and do their thing where they pretend to like their designers’ looks.

We then get a random sequence of Carol Hannah saying random things about pineapple and how when she’s fifty, she’ll look like her mom. Then there’s something about Logan “distracting” her, while slow jam porno guitar music plays in the background.

Oh, Lifetime editors. You make the Bravo editors look like masters of subtlety and nuance.

Two and a half hours. Althea wears some awful Kanye glasses. Nicolas freaks out. Irina interviews that “everyone seems to be going nuts.” Irina seems to be giving a lot of fucking interviews in this episode. She’s like the nasty voice of the episode’s conscience. Gordanna drapes a sheet of fabric over her head and has a giggle fit. Commercial!

Back! Fashion flurry! Tim sends in the models for their two hours of product placement and fitting.

Nicolas talks about how he can’t choke on this challenge because Christina is his idol, and he worries that his dress is too simple.

Irina audibly shit talks Carol Hannah to her model, Celine. Alright, look—it’s one thing to shit talk each other in interviews. If you’re on a reality show, everyone is going to do that at some point, and if they don’t they’re going to get edited down to pretty much nothing. It’s another thing to shit talk to other contestants, but again, it’s pretty much inevitable.

It’s a third thing altogether to shit talk another designer to your model. That’s like complaining about your husband to the hired help. It is just. Not. Done.

Anyway, Nicolas endears himself to me slightly by interviewing that “Irina is a really good designer. The only problem is that she’s a bitch.”

Then there’s the make up flurry and the final fashion flurry, and Tim ushering them to the runway and worrying that no one is listening to him. Commercial!

Back! On the runway, Heidi reminds them of what the challenge they just spent two days working on was. Then she introduces them to Bob Mackie, the THANKFULLY returned Nina Garcia, and, walking out from behind the scrim looking like she’s borrowed one of Lady Gaga’s spare wigs (except this was filmed in 2008 when for all intents and purposes THERE WAS NO LADY GAGA). . . Christina Aguilera. Or Xtina. One of those.

Fashion time! Althea’s look is a cheap looking silver dress with a giant feather cape thing. It looks like something Lena Lamont would wear in a touring production of Singing in the Rain. Logaan’s is a short, sparkly zebra looking thing with a fur shrug. Shirin’s is a black thing with flares.

Christopher’s is an ugly dress that breaks away to reveal mediocre looking lingerie. Nicolas has made a white feathered mini dress. It’s really probably the best thing there, but it’s also something I’ve seen six million times before. Not that anything this week is groundbreaking.

Gordanna’s is an awful looking ivory thing. Irina’s is a coat over a sequined slip. Carol Hannah’s is a long black dress with lots of different textures. It’s very figure flattering.

On the runway, Heidi tells Irina to step forward. Her scores have qualified her to move on to the next round. Then she calls Gordanna forward, and tells her that she should be grateful she has immunity, because otherwise there’s a good chance she would be AUWT.

Moving to the remaining designers, they start with Carol Hannah. She says that the challenge was a stretch for her, so she focused on making one high glam piece. Christina says she did a great job, and Nina agrees that it’s very glamorous with the promise of turning into something revealing. Bob Mackie loves the different textures of blacks.

Shirin admits that she wasn’t terribly confident about the challenge, and that she took on a lot. Heidi says her dress looks like an “upscale witch Halloween dress,” and Christina says she’d totally trip in it if she wore it on stage. Nina likes the top half, but says the bottom half is a “Carmen Miranda moment.”

What is it with Shirin and her “moments” these last two weeks.

We move to Althea, and one of the guys in the living room says that the cape on her dress looks like a wet puppy dog. It’s the most accurate and least tongue bathing comment Snaggletooth Old Face will get, so I feel obligated to include it. Bob Mackie likes the way she uses the reverse of the fabric, and Heidi says the back looks great “on the bottom.” Nina grudgingly says that it’s nicely made, but that the train might be cumbersome.

God, it’s so good to have Nina back.

On to Christopher, Heidi is not loving the pantelettes, and Nina says it’s a “revisit of ‘Lady Marmalade;’ everything seen here has been done and seen before.” I know that’s cut into her critique of Christopher’s outfit, but I feel like it could apply to everything on the stage. Bob Mackie says he wouldn’t put it on a chorus girl, but Christina gives him an “E for effort.”

As an aside, at my alma mater (the Harvard of the Southwest), we had E’s instead of F’s. I feel like that grading scale could apply to Christopher’s outfit as well.

Nicolas says he wanted his look to have a Deco feel, and Heidi tells him it’s beautiful. Christina says it’s a fun outfit that she could move in, and Bob Mackie loves the feathers and the way it works.

Finally, Logan says he wanted to be a bit more edgy. Christina says she gets a bit of a cave woman vibe from it, but that she likes the touches of color. Nina tells him that at least he took a chance. I then have “(unlike the rest)” in parentheses in my notes. I’m not sure if she said that or if I said that or if she didn’t say it but I felt it was implied in her tone.

Heidi dismisses them and they start their critique with Nicolas. Christina liked the movement below the waist. Nina gives him credit for having thought about the fact that it was for the stage.

On Carol Hannah’s Bob Mackie says it was put together interestingly, and Heidi adds that it was very chic. And on Althea’s Christina loved the construction of shapes, and Nina says it was beautiful.

Moving to the bottom group, Nina says that Shirin’s was “unfortunate,” while Heidi calls it “dowdy,” and Christina says that “not a lot of thought” seems to have gone

Nina then calls Christopher’s “tasteless,” and Bob Mackie says that it belongs in a “road company of the Pussycat Dolls.” Ouch. Nina then adds that he did something that’s been done before, and he did it badly. And on Logan’s Nina recalls the cave woman remarks, while Heidi says that at least it’s a little bit youthful.

Commercial!

Back! Althea is in. And then Christina gets to announce the winner, and it’s . . . Carol Hannah! Yay! Everyone in the living room screams with excitement, because she seems to be one of the few people left in this clusterfuck who’s both nice AND talented. Sadly, in doing so we drown out her interview, and all I get is “she’s excited.”

Nicolas is in. Logan is in.

To the bottom two, Heidi tells Christopher that all he’s made is an inexpensive repeat of the “Lady Marmalade” look. And Shirin lost herself in the challenge, and made a dress that was both unflattering and boring.

So Shirin is out. And then everyone in the living room screams in frustration, because it seems unfair that Logan and Christopher have both been in the bottom SO MANY TIMES, but are being kept around to fill some minimum penis quotient or something, and because Shirin seems genuinely sweet, and personally, I really liked a lot of her clothes.

Anyway, Shirin hugs everyone but Irina, who sits in a corner and rolls her eyes as this display of inferior human emotion is taking place. Because in case you didn’t get the message of this episode, it’s that Irina is a bitch.

My final note reads “Shirin – not going to” and then something that is either “yare” or “gave” or “yaue” or “jaie” or something. If anyone has any clues, I’d appreciate it.

Next time! Rodeo Drive! Amish! Irina’s not here to make friends! A little mental breakdown! Kors AND Nina! Halle freakin llujah, it’s about time we got the whole gang back together.

Fearless and Fairly Incoherent: ALCS

2009-10-16T07:00:00.001Z

(If you're looking for Project Runway, go here)

It pains me to say this and I HATE that I'm saying it, and the worst part is I'm too exhausted to even go into why I'm saying it beyond what I said yesterday:

Torre vs. Yankees is narratively satisfying.

I hope I'm wrong.

Jordan says: Yankees in 6
WaPo says: Yankees in 7
FOX says: Yankees in 7

Top Chef Vegas: This LIttle Piggy Cried "You're Not My Mom!"

2009-10-15T07:36:00.000Z

Ash knows his Sondheim
But he dishonored the pig
This shame cannot stand.

(Note: If you're looking for baseball, go here)

Well, Ash leaving makes me kind of pissy. Not that I don’t think he deserved it; not that I don’t even think he was maybe a little overdue. . .

. . . but this means we have to listen to another fucking week of all the “everyone hates Robin” drama. And it’s not that I don’t understand the sentiment of thinking that Robin is an overrated hack who should’ve been gone awhile back, were it not for one conveniently timed and possibly sympathy vote-ish immunity win, but it’s just such a gawdawful boring storyline. You could substitute Hitler for Robin, and have them all sitting around talking about how much they hate Hitler, and how Hitler talks too much and Hitler doesn’t deserve to be there, and I’d still find it tiresome.

And I liked Ash. He was funny, and he quoted Sondheim off the cuff. He was my kind of homosexual.

Anyway. Let’s go with this.

Morning! Top Chef Vegas Luxury Cheftestant Compound. Mike I . . .massages his tattoos? And Robin does yoga or something in the yard. Michael V reflects on being in the bottom, and how he doesn’t want to make the mistake again.

In another room, Jen reflects on how the sky is blue, and up. Not really. But everything everyone else is saying is just that obvious.

Eli calls his mom. Awww. That’s sweet. Then we learn that he lives with his parents. Less endearing. He’s not happy about having been in the bottom either.

Over at the seclusion apartment for outed cheftestants, Ashley and Mattin agree on the revolutionary concept that water is wet, and drinkable.

SERIOUSLY, KIDS. Stop with the overstating the obvious.

Robin continues doing what turns out to be pilates, because staying in shape is important to her because of her cancer.

At this point I write “She’s totally out this episode. Finally.” Sadly (spoiler alert!) I would prove to be mistaken on this one.

Anyway, she says winning Top Chef would make her feel invincible.

The chefs head out. M Resort! Quickfire! Padma introduces their guest judge Charlie Palmer. OMG, like the steak house? Wow. Apparently Bryan and Michael have both worked with him in the past. Double Wow. I would invite Charlie Palmer to be part of our threesomes, but he has a disturbing moustache that makes him look like an unsuccessful porn star.

Maybe we’ll let him cater the threesomes.

Padma says this round is about the art of pairing. They’ll have to create a dish including a snack food. . .Alexia’s new crunchy snacks. Oh. . .so this is the product whore challenge.

Question: has anyone tried these Alexia snacks? I keep getting coupons for them and not being able to find them, or finding them on weeks when I forget my coupons. Plus, I try not to keep too many snacks around the house. But I’d value any input as to whether they’d be worth breaking that rule for.

They have 45 minutes. Food flurry. Bryan reflects on how Charlie Palmer gave him his start as an intern coming out of the CIA. No, the other CIA. Michael was his executive chef for over a year, but worries that Charlie Palmer would choose his brother over him.

Jen is very nervous because she doesn’t want to screw up in front of an American icon. Eli gives a dissertation on the art of pairing, and talks about how he’s better at it than the other chefs. Hm, maybe he’s going home. Sadly (spoiler alert!) I turned out to be wrong on this one too.

Ash thinks that what’s kept him out of the top has been being too influenced by the other chefs, and vows to do his own food from here on out. Jen is worried about possibly cooking her pork chops too early, and having them come out overdone because they've rested too long.
Time!

Jen thinks she’s “done” in this round if they don’t come to her first. They don’t. They start with Eli’s Potato Clam Salad with Fennel, Celery, and White Truffle Sauce, which Charlie Palmer says has a nice smokiness.

Here’s the true beauty of Bravo’s food captions this time around, loves. This is supposed to be a product placement challenge, right?

The captioneers have not deigned to include what product was used. They do not actually manage to place the product.

It’s GENIUS.

Anyway, back to the kitchen, where Padma and Charlie Palmer are sampling Kevin’s Warm Bean Confit Tomato Salad with Fresh Herbs and Creamed Corn. NOM

Bryan has made a Seared Rib Eye with Pickled Onion, Sauteed Mushrooms and Chile Peppers. Charlie Palmer asks if the onion flavored chip is so popular because it’s the safe choice. Bryan says it’s legitimately his favorite. They move on to Robin’s Sweet Corn Panna Cotta with Avocado Mousseline. Mike I has made a variation on Chilaquiles. Michael has made a Tuna Tartare with Avocado, Pickled Onions, and Jalapenos. Ash’s is a Chilled Cucumber Soup with Creme Fraiche, Crab and Red Pepper. Charlie Palmer thinks the chip overpowers the dish.

Laurine has made a Swordfish with Spinach, Asparagus, and Fava Bean Puree. Nom. Finally they get to Jen’s Sauteed Pork Chop with Tomato Sauce and Feta Cheese, which sounds like it would’ve been great if it hadn’t rested so much. Charlie Palmer says it’s overdone, which is exactly what Jen’s been fretting about. Ugh.

Charlie Palmer says the least successful were Robin’s, where he didn’t get the relationship with chip. Ash’s ingredients didn’t work, and Jen’s execution was poor.

On the good side, Eli’s was a natural choice. Bryan’s was executed spot on, but safe. Kevin’s paired the chip well. And the winner is.. . . Eli.

He feels like he’s gotten some vindication from last week. Ash is surprised , but thinks that Eli deserved the win. Oh, he’s too self effacing. Maybe he’s the one going home. Sadly (spoiler alert!) this time I was right. Commercial!

Back! Padma tells them that to find out what they’re working with for their elimination challenge, they’ll draw knives. Jen draws “wild.”

Michael says it must be pig related because Charlie loves pigs, and tells a story about how one time he just shot a wild boar and dropped it off in the kitchen. And yes, all the knives have pig related words on them—belly and cheek and tenderloin and leg . . ..

THIS IS MY FAVORITE CHALLENGE OF ALL TIME.

Jennifer’s “wild” means that she gets the wild card and can choose any part she wants. She picks the belly.

For the challenge, they’ll be pairing two of Charlie’s favorite things: Pig and Pinot.

THIS IS THE GREATEST CHALLENGE OF ALL TIME EVER.

They’ll be cooking for a Pigs & Pinot event, and they have to create a pork dish that works well with the pinot noir. They each have to create 150 tasting portions.

They head over to Aureole at Mandalay Bay, which has the famous wine angels. Sadly, because I’m so lowbrow, I only know about the wine angels from the season of Next Food Network Star that Aaron McCargo won, but shouldn’t have.

CP introduces his sommelier William Sherrer, who shares 9 different pinot noirs with them. They all taste the wines. Laurine says that Pinot is her favorite red wine. Each chef chooses a wine. Eli brags that he’s very familiar with wine. Augh, now I think he’s going home (spoiler alert: nope!). Charlie Palmer wishes them good luck.

Eli talks smack about other people’s palates, saying they’ve gone for the “candy palate” choices.

Shopping! They have 45 minutes and $300. Kevin says he’d be embarrassed with himself “as a pig guy” if he didn’t win. LOVE HIM. He lives in a tree trunk. And he’s a pig guy. We have so much in common. . .with the. . .pig loving and the. . .unruly facial hair. . .

WHAT???

Laurine is doing a rillettes with some duck fat. This is the most we’ve seen out of Laurine so far. Ash says he needs a win. Bryan thinks that to have a shot at this win, he’ll have to blow Charlie Parkers’s mind.

Compound! Kevin reflects that making dinner in the house can be very interesting. Robin talks a lot. Kevin says she’s driving some people up the fucking wall. Everyone sighs in exasperation with Robin’s chatter.

Anyway, then she offers Eli a platter, and reflects that people are mad at her still being there because they liked Hector or Mattin or someone better. . . .ugh, it’s a whole ugly scene where she passive aggressively says she’ll clean up after him, and that’s when the whole “you’re not my mom!” “I’m glad I’m not your mother! If I was your mother, I would’ve raised you better.”

It’s just a lot of bullshit and ugliness, and can’t possibly matter in the long run, right? BECAUSE ONE OF THEM HAS TO GO HOME TONIGHT, RIGHT??? (spoiler alert: I will be sorely disappointed by the end of this episode)

Commercial! Oh, and the poll is “which is worse? Eli’s immaturity or Robin’s passive aggressiveness?”

Can I vote for both, Bravo? Because right now, I want to put them both in a sack and drown them like kittens. EXCEPT I’D NEVER DO THAT TO KITTENS.

Back! Into the kitchen. 4 Hours to cook! Food flurry! Ash is taking some advice he got from Mike I about serving chilled tenderloin. So if we lose our delightful wood gnome, Ash, we know we can blame that bastard Mike I.

(Spoiler Alert! I blame that bastard, Mike I!)

Michael V. says that this challenge is nerve-wracking because his food with Charlie Palmer tends to be a little more out there.

Two and a half hours left! Robin says that after last night she really wants to take this one, since it’s all the young kids against her. Then she says “I’m not here to make friends.” Oh, that’s IT. That’s THE Reality Show cliché. She’s gone now, right???

(Spoiler a. . .aw, forget it. You get the point).

Eli says his pork belly is more exciting than Jen’s. Oh, Eli. Even as a thoroughly heterosexual woman, I can assure you that there’s no way your belly – pork or otherwise – is more exciting than Jen’s.

Tom thru! He talks to Ash about cooking his food for maybe the first time. Mike V says he’s learned from his mistakes. He worries about how far Mike I has to go. Then he leaves.

That was the world’s most abbreviated Tom Thru. It’s like they don’t even bother with the Tom thru half the time now, and when they do it lasts all of 15 seconds.

Mike I reflects on how many different cuisines he’s done in this competition. Like Greek and. . .Greek. . .and Greek. . . and Greek. . .

One minute 40 seconds. Michael tells Bryan to shut the fuck up. Bryan tells Michael to fuck himself. Kevin says Michael tries to manipulate his brother by putting time bombs in his head that will eventually explode and wreck his chances.

But really, isn’t that what we ALL do with our siblings? I mean, yes, there was an immediate payoff when I called my sister a bandy legged freak or she called me fatty fatty fat fat, but the real benefit was knowing how the things we said would continue to fuck with each other for years to come.

That’s love, people. That’s family. They head out to The Springs Preserve for the Pigs & Pinot event and set up. Prep flurry! And the guests start arriving! Jen gets stressed out and turns beet red again.

Judges arrive and start with Michael V. The judges are Tom, Dana Cowin from Food & Wine, who we last saw at Gail's Bridal shower, Toby Young, and Charlie Palmer. Except Dana Cowin turns out not so much to be a guest, but just kind of. . . there. I don’t really understand that –either why they introduced her as a judge when she wasn’t, or why they had her there if she wasn’t going to do any actual judging.

Anyway, Michael V. has made a Root Beer Braised Pork Cheek, which is paired with a 2006 Gunvalson Pinot Noir. NOM.

(Be prepared for NOM to be about every third word out of my mouth, by the way)

Dana likes the pork, and Toby really likes the truffle bun. Charlie Palmer thinks it works with the wine.

Ash has made a Chilled Pork Tenderloin, paired with a 2007 Standord Pinot Noir. Dana thinks the pork is clammy, while Toby says it’s overcooked and oversalted.

Eli’s is a Braised Pork Belly, paired with a 2007 Terlato Family Pinot Noir. Dana says the carrots have “oomph and delicious flavor,” but Charlie Palmer says that while the dish is great, it’s not a great pairing with the wine.

Next is Kevin’s Pork Leg Pate, with a 2006 Sokol Blosser Dundee Hills Pinot Noir. Tom thinks the terrine was a great decision. Palmer says it works great with the wine.

Mike I has made a Stuffed Pork Shoulder, with a 2005 Wairau River Pinot Noir. His dish is a twist on Lebanese kibbeh. Dana thinks the orange is overwhelming, but Tom thinks it’s well seasoned.

Bryan’s is a Braised Pork Spare Rib, paired with a 2007 Rochioli Pinot Noir. Oh, NOM. They seem to like it. A random dude says it’s a toss up between the Voltaggio’s dishes.

Jen’s is a Braised Pork Belly, paired with a 2005 Chanson Clos de Beze Pinot Noir. Padma goes “MMM,” and Dana says it’s delicious.

Laurine has made a French inspired Pork Butt Rillettes, paired with a 2005 Chanson Clos de Feves Pinot Noir. Dana compares it to cat food.

OUCH.

Toby likes the accompanying chutney but agrees that the rillettes is a disaster.

Finally, we have Robin’s Brined Center Cut Pork Chop, with a 2005 Mischief and Mayhem Pino Noir. Ah, yes, that rare and wonderful wine, only found on Bravo, the Pino Noir. Toby thinks that the overall sensationof her dish is one of “sliminess’ and Charlie Palmer doesn’t taste any “porkiness.”

Commercial!

Back! Stew Room. Mike says that if they went with what people thought, he’d be in the winner’s circle. Robin counters with “they told me I was their favorite.” Death glares. She’s just one of those people who doesn’t know when to shut up, isn’t she?

Padma calls back Michael, Bryan, Kevin, and Jennifer.

They had the best dishes and pairings. CP says they were spot on with what the whole event was about.

He tells Michael that he took a lot of daring steps, and says Jen’s was the lightest pork belly dish he’s eaten in his life. Toby adds that she had the first European pinot, with it’s “barnyard, funky flavors” and likens the difference between it and the American pinots to “the difference between a shaved armpit and a hairy armpit.”

Oh, Toby. You’re still trying too hard.

Anyway, he says her sauce captured some of the funky flavors. Of the armpit wine. Somehow, Toby Young manages to make even a compliment sound like the worst thing ever.

Tom tells Kevin he captured the wine. Charlie Palmer tells Bryan his dish and his pairing were great.

Charlie Palmer tells the four of them that he’s impressed with what they did, but the winner is. . . Kevin! Yay!!! He lives in a tree trunk!

For winning, Charlie Palmer invites him to be a guest chef at a 2010 Pigs & Pinot event. Kevin’s thrilled. I love him. He shows his pig tattoo so they all know how important this was to him.

They go back to the stew room, and Michael sends back Ash, Laurine, and Robin. Then he pats Ash and Laurine on their way out, but not Robin.

Everyone in the stew room hopes that Robin goes home. Some of them base this on legitimate criticisms of her dish, but others (cough*Mike I*cough) admit that they “couldn’t even care about the dish at this point,” and still others (cough*Eli*cough) call her “gramma.”

Starting with Robin, she says she stands by what she put out. Toby says the pork was cooked nicely, but there wasn’t much of it. Tom says the texture of the sauce was weird and gummy. Charlie Palmer challenges her to be honest enough to ask herself “was this great?”

Ash says that his might’ve been too simple. Tom says that simple is fine, but you have to develop the flavors, and that the wine was screaming for more flavor than they got.

Ash explains his original dish, and Charlie Palmer says it sounds great and asks why he didn’t go that route. Ash says “because I’m an idiot, I guess?” (NO, Ash, the correct answer is “because of that bastard, Mike I! “) And Tom points out that he keeps second guessing himself.

Laurine says that she ran out of time at the end to get the rillette done. Toby compares it to a dry hash, and Charlie Palmer tells her that what she made was not rillettes.

Deliberation. Padma points out that they all have their problems.

Tom says Robin had no pork flavor and didn’t pair with the wine; Charlie Palmer says she knows nothing about pairing; and Toby compares her sauce to “the gunk you get when you’ve finished a cup of instant coffee.”

Tom says that Ash’s dish was amateurish, and that he doesn’t understand how to develop flavor. Toby says that his corn accentuated the less attractive aspects of the wine.

Charlie Palmer says that Laurine’s idea never would’ve come out well. Toby calls it “hash” again, and Tom brings up Dana’s “catfood” comparison.

Commercial!

Back! Oh, fake back! Yay! Eli says he’s the only one who’s stepped up and snapped at Robin. Because yes, snapping at someone is an act of bravery that requires you to “step up,” and not just an irrational reaction. Michael calls it “flirting.” Then Eli rehashes the whole fight with Robin. Michael admits that they pick on Eli, and they keep picking on him and teasing him about having sex with Robin, which really pisses Eli off.

Bastions of maturity, this bunch. Every single one of them.

Really back. Tom reviews the problems with each of the dishes: Laurine’s was not prepared properly and clashed with the wine; Ash shows an absolute lack of confidence; and Robin didn’t give enough pig. Also, none of their dishes matched their wines well.

Padma tells. . . .Ash to pack his knives and go. Awwwww. And DAMN YOU, MIKE I!

He says the whole experience has been really positive, and says he should’ve gone with his original dish. He plans to make his first dish when he gets back to New York and invite “Charlie Palmer, Tom Colicchio .. .maybe not Padma, but Toby, definitely. “

Wow, who knew that Ash had it in for Padma? Now I like him even more. . .and I’m even sadder he’s gone. Bye, Ash! The mushroom kingdom will miss you!
Next! Restaurant Wars! We can’t lose this! Michael is cocky! We’re fucked! Fuck you, this is my damn dessert!

Fearless and Fairly Inaccurate: NLCS

2009-10-15T07:32:00.002Z

(Note: If you're looking for Top Chef, go here)

You should know something before you decide whether or not to listen to my calls on the NLCS, kiddos:

Since the Division Series last year, I have been wrong about the Phillies.

Every.

Single.

Time.

And so a huge part of me is tempted to say "Phillies in six," just in the hopes that I'll be wrong again and the Phillies will lose.

Let's review the reasons I want the Phillies to lose:

1) The ladies' room at the Vet was seriously the worst thing I've ever seen, ever.

2) Repeats are horribly boring. Plus

3) They make your fans into dicks. Look at what happened to the Yankees fans in the '90's. Look at what happened to the Red Sox fans, Philadelphia. And they couldn't even pull off consecutive years.

Is that really what you want to become?

4) Your fans are already dicks. Seriously. That's both childish and dangerous. It's not indicative of passion. It's certainly not in any way related to sportsmanship. And it's emblematic of every single experience I've had involving Philadelphia sports fans. There may be three or four of them who are good types, and I'm sure they're all reading this.

So I'm sorry. But the majority of sports fans in your city? Just a bunch of fucking tools with no class.

5) I really, really want a Torre vs. Yankees World Series. Just for the narrative. Even before the Division Series, I was saying that that was the best possible outcome, in narrative terms.

So it's with some trepidation, knowing my record of wrongness, that I say

Jordan says: Dodgers in 7
FOX says: Phillies in 7
WaPo says: Phillies in 6

Your picks in the comments, and don't worry if you're joining in late. We'll only mock you mercilessly.