A Newbie's Guide to Publishing

Enter the Nook

2009-11-16T12:01:00.005-06:00

Unless you've been living under a rock for the last few months, you've probably heard about the Nook, Barnes & Noble's contender in the biggering ereader wars.
My ebooks are now live on Nook. I was able to do this through www.Smashwords.com. Upload your books to Smashwords, and they'll upload them to the Nook (and also Sony.) I'll be tracking my numbers and posting them as the holiday season gets into gear.

For those who have already bought a Nook, or are planning to buy one, you'll be able to find my Nook links on my website, and also right here:

THE LIST by J.A. Konrath - Nook version $1.99

ORIGIN by J.A. Konrath - Nook version $1.99

SUCKERS by J.A. Konrath & Jeff Strand - Nook version $1.59

FLOATERS by J.A. Konrath & Henry Perez - Nook version $1.59

SHOT OF TEQUILA by J.A. Konrath - Nook version $1.99

DISTURB by J.A. Konrath - Nook version $1.99

TRUCK STOP by J.A. Konrath - Nook version $1.59

If you've been following my blog, you know I've made these books available on my website, on Smashwords.com, on Kindle, on iTunes, and they'll soon be for sale on Sony.

I have no idea what to expect in the way of Nook sales. I had zero expectations of Kindle, and was surprised how well they've sold. I had moderate expectations for iTunes, but have sold less than 100 books total in the two weeks they've been available.

In the case of iTunes, I've since tweaked the product descriptions to make them easier to find, and so browsers have a better idea of what they were buying. I'm watching to see if those numbers grow.

In the case of Nook, B&N hasn't even put up the product descriptions yet, so I did that myself as user reviews--which is something I'd also done with Kindle when I first uploaded the titles.

While tweaking the descriptions this morning, I had a few interesting thoughts.

1. The process of uploading ebooks, no matter where they are uploaded to, is time-consuming, laborious, and inefficient. But it still can be done in a matter of hours or days, whereas in the print world it takes months to publish a book.

2. Prices of ereaders are going down, while features are getting better.

3. I still don't have any clear answers why agents aren't getting their clients' blacklists and unsold books on these various ereaders. Shouldn't they be innovating?

4. Etailers still haven't courted any major writers for exclusive deals. Considering Amazon, Sony, and now B&N lose money for each ebook sold, it would make sense for them to directly approach some authors and perhaps actually turn a profit selling ebooks. Are they afraid of publishers? Why would they be, when the publishers are screwing them by charging hardcover prices for a bunch of ones and zeroes which cost nothing to copy or distribute?

5. Ebooks are being talked about more and more, and many sources predict they're going to be a hot holiday item.

6. There are still haters.

Let's talk about #6 for a moment. While I grew up reading print books, and have thousands of them, and love them dearly, and have many fond memories associated with print, I'm getting bored with the knee-jerk "print is the only way a story can be read" reactions I always seem to see whenever ebooks are discussed.

People love the feel and smell of books. They love owning the physical object. That's fine. I do too.

But it's the stories that I really love. The paper, or the ereader, is only the delivery system for the story.

And the ereader is simply better than print in every way, except when it comes to nostalgia.

This reminds me a lot of the early 90s, when many folks were hesitant to buy computers because they simply didn't see the advantages of owning one.

Yes, tech is scary. Yes, the old ways are comfortable. Yes, owning a physical object like a book satisfies some primeval hunter/gatherer gene.

But the story isn't on the paper, or on the ereader screen. The story is in your head. It will be in your head no matter what you read it on.

Why are some folks so resistant to a technology that will make books cheaper, easier to read, easier to buy, more accessible, and at the same time save 40 million trees per year and save a great deal of space around the house?

What exactly are the haters objecting so strongly to, other than disliking change?

That said, who here is interested in buying a Nook? Why or why not?

E-Volution

2009-11-10T06:30:00.003-06:00

So it's 2014, and I'm in a reading mood.

I take out my ereader. At the push of a button, I bring up several different ebook stores, and begin to browse for something to read. Several stores are having sales. One of them gives all the books away for free--the only catch is each contains ads, much like a magazine.

I peruse the free site, download the latest thriller from my favorite author, and jump into the pool, floating on a raft while I read. There's no worry; the reader is waterproof.

There's construction going on in my neighborhood, so I put in my wireless ear buds and press the SFX button. As my eyes pass over the words, I'm treated to some background music, much like a movie soundtrack. There are also ambient sounds--crashing waves during a beach scene, crickets at night, the blowing wind when the main character goes to the desert for a showdown.

An ad comes up. It's a coupon for my local pizza joint. Pizza actually sounds pretty good. I touch the screen and order a pizza, using the coupon, paying for it immediately.

Then I hit the AUDIO button and close my eyes, letting the book read to me for a while as I float around. The narrator is good--using dialects and different voices for different characters. I pause the book, and access a search engine to see what other books he's narrated. I find two that sound interesting and download them on the spot.

I go back to the book, then get an announcement that my pizza has arrived. I climb out of the pool, thank the delivery guy (I already tipped him electronically) and then go into the family room with a slice.

I sync my ereader to my TV and adjust the words to scroll down the screen as I'm eating. During a particularly exciting helicopter chase, I see an author footnote. I click on it, and the author appears in a video clip, explaining the research he did for the scene, and showing the actual helicopter in flight. Normally I wait until after I finish the ebook before I delve into the extras like commentary, footnotes, vid clips, previous drafts, etc.

I get to another ad, which I skip, and then my wife comes home and says that her favorite author is appearing at a nearby bookstore. She grabs her ereader and we head out.

We get there early. The store contains over 300,000 paper books, but they're all shelf copies, not for sale. I hang out in the thriller section, and thumb through a few paper books. I find one I want, and scan the bar code on the back with my ereader, instantly buying it.

The author arrives. We sit and watch while he does a little talk. He has some printed books for sale, and if they run out, the bookstore says it will print more while we wait.

After the presentation, he signs some ereader covers. My wife has a clear plastic cover for her ereader, and the author has a cardboard covers he signs, which slips into the plastic.* Then he gives away some exclusive content to anyone who buys the book--a deleted chapter not available online. My wife buys an ebook. She promises to lend it to me when she's done, transferring it from her reader to mine--which is how e-lending at the library works.

On the way home, I sync my ereader to the car stereo, and let it read the next chapter. Another ad comes on, for a new book by this author. I bookmark the ad. I'll either buy the book, or download the ad version, later tonight.

I go back to the pool, alternating between reading and being read to. When the book is finished, I delve into the bonus features. The author included a tie-in short story, which I love. I contact the author's website and tell him so, then spend a few minutes posting my book review on his forum. This leads to me text chatting with another one of his fans, who suggests a new author I'd never heard of.

Two clicks later, I buy this new author's latest, for $1.99.

My wife asks if I want to watch a movie. I decline. I've got more than enough here to keep me entertained.

My ereader text box opens up. It's the author, thanking me for posting a kind review. He asks me if I'd like to be a beta reader for his new thriller, which won't be released for another two months.

Hell yeah, I do. He sends it to me instantly.

Boy, do I love this thing. It's easily the best $99 I've ever spent.

------------------
* The plastic slip cover is Boyd Morrison's idea, which is smarter than my original idea: publishers making ereader covers that look like book covers.

Lolly, Lolly, Lolly Get Your iTunes Apps Here

2009-10-29T15:11:00.021-05:00

A few of my ebooks just went live on iTunes. If you have an iPhone or iPod touch, you can download them for between 99 cents and $1.99.

You don't need to download a separate ebook reader onto your iPhone to read these. These ebooks come with a built-in ebook reader. They exist as applications on your iPhone. Just press the icon and the ebook opens up.

By clicking "Get App" on this page you will open up iTunes on your computer, allowing you to buy it and download it.

$0.99
For a limited time, only 99 cents.

Before the events of Jack Kilborn's epic horror novel AFRAID...

Before the events of J.A. Konrath's critically acclaimed thrillers FUZZY NAVEL and CHERRY BOMB...

Before the events of Jack Kilborn's and Blake Crouch's #1 Amazon Kindle bestseller SERIAL...

Three hunters of humans meet for the ultimate showdown at the TRUCK STOP.

Taylor is a recreational killer, with dozens of gristly murders under his belt. He pulls into a busy Wisconsin truck stop at midnight, trolling for the next to die.

Chicago Homicide cop Jacqueline "Jack" Daniels is a long way from home, driving to meet her boyfriend for a well-earned vacation. She pulls into the truck stop for a quick cup of coffee and stumbles into her worst nightmare.

Jack's no stranger to dealing with psychos, but she's got her hands full trying to stop Taylor. Especially since he's getting help from someone just as deadly; a portly serial maniac named Donaldson...

TRUCK STOP is a 15,000 word thriller novella that ties together Konrath's and Kilborn's works, with terrifying results.

A prequel to SERIAL, which has been downloaded more than 70,000 times, TRUCK STOP is an eighteen-wheeled ride straight into hell. Not for the faint of heart. Let the reader beware.

This ebook also includes an exclusive interview: JA Konrath talks with Jack Kilborn, plus excerpts from their latest books, CHERRY BOMB and AFRAID.

$1.99
1906 - Something is discovered by workers digging the Panama Canal. Something dormant. Sinister. Very much alive.

2009 - Project Samhain. The best minds in the world have been recruited to study the most amazing discovery in the history of mankind. But the century of peaceful research is about to end.

BECAUSE IT JUST WOKE UP.

All hell is about the break loose. For real.

$0.99
Masters of the comedy thriller genre, J.A. Konrath and Jeff Strand, team up for the humorous horror novella Suckers.

Featuring horrific violence, bad jokes, and lots of name calling.

Originally, published as a very expensive limited-edition hardcover, Suckers is now available as a super cheap ebook.

But the fun doesn't stop there.

Also included in this ebook are six other stories, many of them rare and long out of print.

$1.99
A medical investigator tormented by secret guilt.

A beautiful doctor with an illicit desire.

A millionaire businessman indulging a passion for murder.

And a human guinea pig who has been awake for seven straight weeks.

You’ll never sleep well again...

Disclaimer: This novel is filled with extortion, conspiracy, taboo sex, hidden secrets, shocking violence, and murderous betrayal. Not recommended for the faint of heart.

This ebook version also includes the bonus horror short story, "Dear Diary," about a very special pom pon girl.

$0.99
When a dead body turns up in the Chicago River, newspaper reporter Alex Chapa and Police Lieutenant Jacqueline “Jack” Daniels reluctantly join forces.

Thriller writers J.A. Konrath and Henry Perez have teamed up to create FLOATERS, a mystery tale that combines humor with thrills.

Included in this 30,000 word collection are the shorts LAST REQUEST and FAMILIAR PLACES.

It also includes a conversation between the authors and excerpts from each of their new novels, CHERRY BOMB and KILLING RED.

$1.99
A billionaire Senator with money to burn...

A thirty year old science experiment, about to be revealed...

Seven people, marked for death, not for what they know, but for what they are...

History is about to repeat itself

THE LIST is a technothriller about a group of ten people who each have tattoos of numbers on the bottoms their feet, and don't know why.

One of them, a Chicago Homicide cop, has had one of these strange tattoos since birth. When he investigates a violent murder and discovers the victim also has a tattooed number, it sets the ball rolling for an adventure of historic proportions.

$1.99
A GUTSY ROBBERY
Several million bucks, stolen from the mob...

A PERFECT FRAME
All caught on video, with no chance of redemption...

A RED HOT RECIPE FOR RAMPAGING REVENGE
Now one man must face the entire Chicago Outfit, a group of hardened Mafia enforcers, a psychotic bookie, the most dangerous hitman on earth, and Detective Jacqueline Daniels...

His name is Tequila. And he likes those odds.

SHOT OF TEQUILA by JA Konrath

JA Konrath is the author of the Lt. Jacqueline "Jack" Daniels thrillers (Whiskey Sour, Bloody Mary, Rusty Nail, Dirty Martini, Fuzzy Navel, Cherry Bomb.)

If you'd like to see the actual order page, you can visit: http://www.apptism.com/apps?query=konrath&x=0&y=0, where you can still get SERIAL for free.

This requires iPhone OS 2.2 or later. And the apps are really cool and simple to use.

Welcome to the future.

If anyone is interested in doing the same thing, you can contact the company that created my apps at http://www.indianicinfo.com. Apple takes 30% of the list price, IndiaNIC takes 35%, and the author takes 35%. So I'm earning between 35 cents and 70 cents per download.

In Defense of Print

2009-10-27T06:22:00.013-05:00

Lately the majority of email I get, and the authors I meet, all want to know one thing:

Are ebooks going to replace print books?

Right now, ebooks are a supplement to print, much like audiobooks are. They're less than 2% of book sales. Some industry pros think they cater to a completely different audience than print, and the two can coexist peacefully. Other industry pros are in complete denial. At a recent convention, I was talking to a well known agent about how publishers are artificially inflating the cost of ebooks by charging etailers hardcover prices, and this person told me "You're making me angry. I can't talk about this with you."

Amazing. Ebooks are the big elephant in the corner of the room that everyone sees but refuses to acknowledge, even as it craps all over the floor.

I don't reach hasty conclusions. I like to gather information and learn all I can about something before forming opinions or predictions.

Anyone who reads this blog knows that I do believe ebooks are the future. I believe this based on my personal experiences in publishing, and what I know about the industry. I can also draw conclusions based on my knowledge of other media industries, namely music and newspaper, and my interest in the Internet, digital media, file sharing, and formats.

I'm still in the minority. People are fond of quoting me, or pointing others in my direction, but I haven't seen any industry professionals brave enough to either agree with me, or open a debate with me to disprove my assumptions.

But I have seen a lot of statements, and heard a lot of questions, repeated over and over. Here are a few that stand out:

I love the feel of a regular book.

I hear this a lot. The tactile experience of cracking open the spine and turning the pages. The smell and feel of paper. We grew up reading paper, and we have a good relationship with it that fosters warm feelings.

But what if we grew up reading ebooks? Would paper have a single advantage? Who's to say you can't form that same bond with an ereader?

Actually, if you've ever listened to someone who owns a Kindle, you'd know that not only can you have feelings for digital books, but the feelings are even stronger than with print. Whenever I meet an ereader owner and ask them if they like it, they don't just say yes and move on. They evangalize.

These people are so enthusiastic, so happy about their discovery, that they gush on and on AND ON about it.

Remember that the written word can be written on anything, and it still has power. Books aren't on the page--books take place in our heads. While you can be nostalgic about the delivery system, I highly doubt you still listen to music on 8-track or 78.

I want a tangible product.

Me too. I have over five thousand books. I love owning them. I love how they look on the shelf. I love perusing my library.

But I'll be honest here. I used to have over a thousand cassette tapes. I loved owning them. I loved how they looked on the shelf. I loved perusing my music library.

Then CDs came along, and I repeated the love affair.

Eventually I got my first iPod.

I don't even own a CD or cassette player anymore.

I still love to own. But now I own digital files. I still love to persuse my music library. Except now I do it on iTunes.

Tangible is only a state of mind...

Ebook readers are too complicated.

If a computer is too complicated for you, than an ereader might be, too. But no too long ago, vacuum cleaners, clothes washers, and microwave ovens were considered complicated. Fear of technology is pretty common with the older generation. But the longer a product is around, the easier it becomes to accept, and to use.

Future ereading devices will become simpler and simpler as the developers strive to reach those late adopters.

Ebooks are a niche market.

Well, no duh. All new technology begins as a niche market.

But this is a niche market based on the written word, just like printed books. Except it has many advantages over books, and doesn't kill 40 million trees a year or involve shipping and returns.

By all accounts, more companies are developing ereaders, and more consumers are buying them. Ignore this at your own peril.

You can't autograph an ebook.

I've signed over a dozen Kindle covers, and one Sony cover.

When is some smart publisher going to give away skins or ebook covers that feature the cover art for their latest novel? Or at least sell them cheaply? Wouldn't it be cool to carry around a Kindle that looked like Whiskey Sour or Afraid? I think so too.

Ebooks can be shared and stolen.

The fear over digital rights being abused is real, but there are no clear indicators that sharing ebooks, free ebooks, or stealing ebooks have any effect on sales.

In fact, I think freebies promote sales. Which is why I still give away ebooks on my website, even though I'm selling the same books on Amazon and elsewhere.

Copyright can't be enforced in a digital world. Those who try are going to get more frustrated, protective, and paranoid, and ultimately they aren't going to protect a damn thing. Ask the MPAA, the RIAA, and the billions of people file sharing.

EReaders are too expensive.

The Kindle debuted in 2007 at $399. Two years later it's $259. Give it another two years, and we'll see $150, or less.

Tech prices come down. Always.

Books will never disappear.

I agree. There are billions of them on the planet.

But will the printed book remain the main mode of delivery for the printed word?

I doubt it. Anymore than newspapers remained the main form of delivery for news, or CDs remained the main form of delivery for music.

Remember all the music stores? Remember Coconuts, FlipSide, Tower Records, Musicland, and Sam Goody? Where are they now?

Amazon sets the price on ebooks, that's why they're expensive.

I've had a few industry pros echo this. So let's clarify it.

Yes, Amazon does set the price, BASED ON WHAT THE PUBLISHER SELLS IT TO THEM FOR.

Guess what? I bet Amazon, Sony, and the other etailers would love to open negotiations for fair and reasonable ebook rates, which would result in the price of ebooks going down, which would result in more people buying ereaders and ebooks.

But the print industry doesn't want that.

Ebooks hurt my eyes.

I hear this all the time. And, in the case of standalone ereaders, this is wrong.

E-Ink technology doesn't cause eyestrain. At all. It's as passive as reading paper.

Some lament the tech of ebook readers, saying black and white displays are so 1998. They're waiting for color models.

But the fact is, E-Ink is very technologically advanced, and reading in black and white (or grayscale) is the easiest on the eyes. Include the no-flicker technology, and E-Ink is high tech that just looks low tech.

If ebooks are so great, why haven't they taken off yet?

In one form or another, it can be said that ebooks have been around since 1993. So why haven't they dominated the industry like mp3s?

I believe there are two reasons.

First, there has never been a universal format. I've blogged about this before.

Second, because publishing doesn't want ebooks to dominate the market. Why would they? The traditional role of publishers in this industry is to print and distribute books. In an ebook world, their role would be largely reduced, if not completely eliminated.

If I were a publisher, I'd be doing several things in order to prepare for the future.

1. Drastically lowering the prices on my ebooks.
2. Making ebooks available on my website, so I didn't have to share profits with etailers.
3. Publishing my backlist inexpensively in ebook format, and securing rights to as many out-of-print titles as I could get my hands on.
4. Directing the majority of marketing and advertising dollars toward ebooks.
5. Partnering with etailers and ereader manufacturers and offering them exclusive content.
6. Moving toward a digital future where all ebooks are free, funded by advertising.

But I'm not a publisher. Or an agent. Or an editor, or sales rep, or publicist.

I'm just a writer.

Here's the thing, though. I'm secure I'll still have my writing job in ten years.

Since April, I've sold over 6000 copies of THE LIST on Kindle. It will soon be on Sony, iTunes, and B&N. I expect these numbers to climb dramatically over the next few years.

Now I'm actually contemplating a sequel to this book--a book that was rejected by NY publishers--to release exclusively as an ebook.

That's crazy. That's absolutely crazy. I've dedicated my life to getting into print. I've dreamed of having this career since I was a little kid. I've busted my ass trying to succeed in this business, and have the battle scars to show for it.

I love print books. They're the reason I became a writer.

But my career isn't about printing my words on paper. It's about reaching readers with my words.

If readers want to read my words on a Kindle, I'd be stupid not to give them what they want.

Estributors

2009-10-21T09:33:00.003-05:00

A few years ago, two of the major bookstore chains went into the publishing business, and began producing their own books, both classic titles and new content.

It made complete sense. Why split money with publishers when you can publish it yourself and make a larger profit?

Yet, none of them ever took the next logical steps--signing a big-name author to an exclusive publishing deal. Or reprinting backlist titles that continue to sell on the used book circuit.

Seems like a missed opportunity. But then, they're retailers first and foremost, and expanding into publishing carries a lot of costs and risks.

Now, in the days of ebooks, we have the Kindle, the Sony Reader, the iPhone, and the Barnes and Noble nook.

The savvy, ewise author knows how to get his books on these devices. Mine already are, or soon will be. Kindle in particular makes it very easy to do, and Sony is stepping up as well. I'll be on iTunes soon thanks to IndiaNIC, and B&N thanks to Smashwords.com.

But Amazon, Sony, Apple, and B&N are missing out on a way to make a lot more money.

Publishers get rich by having exclusive content. Only one publisher has Stephenie Meyer. The others do not.

And yet Amazon, Sony, Apple, and B&N all carry Stephenie Meyer on their sites, for their ereaders. They're sharing the pie.

Sharing is not the main problem. All bookstores share. But in the case of Amazon, Sony, and B&N, they LOSE money on each book sold. Print publishers, in an effort to stave off the inevitable, charge these companies several dollars more for the ebook than the companies are selling them for.

The result? Every time Twilight sells, the etailer loses money. In fact, a good portion of the ebooks sold lose money for the etailer.

If the etailors got wise, they'd try to make deals with authors directly. But they won't, or can't. Because there is a cost and risk associated with publishing ebooks, the same as there is with publishing print books.

This is a shame. I'd love to sign an exclusive ebook contract, and have the etailer promote it. Sell it at a low price, and we'd both make a nice bit of change.

Maybe this will happen in the future. In the meantime, it seems like a smart person, or company, could capitalize on the current situation.

Let's call these people estributors.

In the book world, a distributor such as Ingram, Baker & Taylor, Partners, or Anderson, is the middleman between the publisher and the retailer. They warehouse the books from the publisher, and fufill orders to the bookstores and bookselling outlets.

What the ebook world needs is a middleman who can facilitate sales between Luddite authors with backlists but no tech savvy, and etailers selling ebooks.

An estributor could contact NAME authors (not self-pubbed newbies) for shelf novels and out of print backlists, arrange for cover art, format for Sony, nook, Kindle, and iTunes, and take a small percentage, say 10%, of the profits for a set amount of time.

The etailers would be making a profit from estributors, rather than hemorrhaging money like they're doing right now. Ebook prices stay low, which the customers want. And authors can concentrate on writing rather than all the tech stuff.

There are millions of out of print books still under copyright but not under contract. Estributors could position themselves to rival the sales of large publishers, if they get in while they can.

The Game

2009-10-19T10:07:00.002-05:00

Just got back from Bouchercon, and had one of those revelation moments.

When I play, I play to win. That's the point for me. If I lose, I try to learn from it so I can win next time.

Traditional publishing is a game where I'm not allowed to win.

I suppose this is rather obvious. There are too many factors involved--luck being one of the biggies--that are out of my control.

But if I look at my writing career, I've done my best to have as much control as possible. I was the guy who sent out 7000 letters to libraries, who visited over 2000 bookstores, who blog toured over 100 sites in a single month, who gathered 10,000+ names for his newsletter, who talked about social networking before anyone knew what Facebook was.

I think all of this has had a positive effect on my career. I've made some money. I'm still selling books.

But even with my best effort, and with all I've learned, I'm not allowed to win.

Winning involves big print runs and marketing campaigns and distribution. No matter how hard I try, or how well I play the game, those things aren't up to me.

So along comes ebooks.

For the first time, there's a level-playing field. It's no longer about who has 200 copies of their latest hardcover on the Borders New Release table for five weeks at 40% off cover price. It's no longer about huge New York Times ads, or getting a review in People magazine. It's no longer about being available at every Walgreens and CVS.

I have no idea if I'll be able to win the ebook game. There are still a lot of factors involved.

But it's nice to finally feel like I actually have a chance to compete.

Kindle Numbers: Traditional Publishing Vs. Self Publishing

2009-10-13T18:19:00.004-05:00

I got quite a shock last week, when I got my bi-annual royalty statement.

Hyperion publishes six titles in my Jack Daniels series. They gave me my ebook figures.

Authors are usually quite secretive about their sales and their royalties.

Me? I'm spilling the beans. Here are my ebook Kindle numbers from Jan 1 to June 31, 2009.

Whiskey Sour priced at $3.96: 550 sales, $341 earned.

Bloody Mary priced at $7.99: 180 sales, $381 earned.

Rusty Nail priced at $7.99: 153 sales, $341 earned.

Dirty Martini priced at $6.39: 202 sales, $604 earned.

Fuzzy Navel priced at $7.59: 152 sales, $341 earned.

That's 1237 ebooks sold in six months. Total money in JA's pocket: $2008.

Why do these numbers vary so much?

I get 25% of the amount received by the publisher. Depending on the deal my publisher makes with Amazon, that can be anywhere from 62 cents to $3 per ebook sold.

We can draw a simple conclusion looking at these sales: a $4 ebook sells 3 times as many copies as an $8 ebook.

Now lets compare these to my self-published Kindle sales. I'll use my four novels for comparison. This is also for a six month period.

The List priced at $1.99: 5142 sales, $3600 earned.

Origin priced at $1.99: 2619 sales, $1833 earned.

Disturb priced at $1.99: 1139 sales, $797 earned.

Shot of Tequila at $1.99: 900 sales, $630 earned.

That's 9800 ebooks sold in six months. Total money in JA's pocket: $6860.

I get 35% of the price I set on Kindle, or 70 cents per ebook download.

We can draw some simple conclusions looking at these numbers.

Ebooks priced at $4 sell an average of 1100 ebooks per year.

Ebooks priced at $8 sell an average of 342 ebooks per year.

Ebooks priced at $2 sell an average of 4900 ebooks per year.

It doesn't take a math whiz to see that the biggest profit is with low priced ebooks.

Now let's play the imagination game.

My five Hyperion ebooks (the sixth one came out in July so no royalties yet) each earn an average of $803 per year on Kindle.

My four self-pubbed Kindle novels each earn an average of $3430 per year.

If I had the rights to all six of my Hyperion books, and sold them on Kindle for $1.99, I'd be making $20,580 per year off of them, total, rather than $4818 a year off of them, total.

So, in other words, because Hyperion has my ebook rights, I'm losing $15,762 per year.

Now Hyperion also has my print rights, and my Jack Daniels books are still selling in print. But they aren't selling enough to make up the $15,762. Especially since all of them aren't regularly being stocked on bookstore shelves.

According to my math, I'd be making more money if my books were out of print, and I had my rights back.

Of course, there are a lot of different factors at play here. Certain titles are more popular than others. Print sales may fuel ebook sales. Ebooks sales may wane (though mine haven't yet.) Branding and name recognition and past customers and fans all come into play, making this damn confusing and far from conclusive.

That said, do I really want to keep signing deals with print publishers?

$3430 per ebook per year isn't really a big number. I've certainly never been paid so small an advance for a novel.

And yet, I'm 100% sure ebook sales are going to go up. I've signed deals with Smashwords to sell ebooks through Barnes and Noble, Apple to sell ebooks as iTunes apps for the Iphone and iPod Touch, and Sony to sell ebooks on their reader. Kindle was just released in 100 more countries. I predict more ebook sales in the near future.

Let's say by the end of 2010 I can make $5000 per year per ebook title by self publishing. I can easily write four books per year.

Again, $20,000 per year isn't enough to live on. But things begin to accumulate.

$20k per year for 4 new books, plus $20k per year for the books I'm already selling, is $40k per year.

But I'm selling more than novels on Kindle. I also have 6 collaborations and short story collections. This year I'm also going to put The Newbie's Guide to Publishing ebook on Kindle.

So now we're looking at 14 ebooks, each making $5k per year. That's $70,000 a year.

And as more people buy ereaders and ebooks, that number can go up. Plus, I publish on my schedule, I keep the profits, and best of all, the rights are 100% mine. So if I want to do a limited print edition, I can. If I want to sell the mass market paperback rights, I can.

Ebook rights began as gravy. I can picture a day when the print rights are the gravy, and authors make their living with ebooks.

Yes, it's still far off. And yes, print publishing is in no danger of going away anytime soon.

But I don't think I'll ever take a print contract for less than $30,000 per book, because I'm confident I could make more money on it over the course of six years than I could with a publisher over six years.

Isn't that bizarre?

For the bestselling author, this is all still very trivial. These numbers are chump change compared to the advances they get.

But for the midlist author, I'm beginning to think it's possible to make a living without print contracts.

I've struggled mightily to break into print. And I've made a nice chunk of change on my print novels.

Now I'm hoping those novels go out of print, so I can get my rights back.

I never would have guessed my mindset would change so dramatically in so short a time.

DISCLAIMER: YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY

If you're a new author, reading this and thinking about the fame and fortune you'll make on ebooks, I urge you to try the traditional route first. Find an agent. Land a deal with a big NY house. Ebooks aren't there yet.

I'd hate to think some writer gave up on their print aspirations because of something I've said on my blog. I suggest you keep up the agent search, and hold out for that major deal. While I have no doubt others will be able to sell as many ebooks as I have, and probably many more, I still haven't made anywhere near the money I've made by being in print. Plus, everyone's situation is unique, and no writer should compare themselves to any other writer.

Most of all, don't change the future of your career based on one man's ideas. Learn as much as you can about all of your options, do research, get other opinions.

Working With a Publicist by Rebecca York

2009-10-07T10:50:00.003-05:00

Full disclosure. I've never hired a publicist. My two main reasons--being cheap and thinking I could do it all myself--aren't really valid, because I frankly never looked deeply into the subject.

When I asked writer Rebecca York about her experiences, this was her response:

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There was a time when an author could sit back in her comfortable office and focus on the word processor. Her job was writing the best book she could. Her publisher’s job was printing, publicizing and distributing her book. But things have changed dramatically over the past few years. Today a writer’s also got to do something about publicity, or her book is likely to get lost in the great sea of publications that come out every month.

I’d love the luxury of simply sitting and writing. And give a few lectures a year to enthusiastic audiences. But how are readers going to know I’ve got a book out? Unless they’re poring through future pub lists, I need to let them know they can get the next exciting book in my werewolf series in–October. And hopefully I can also interest some new readers in my work.

A full-blown promotion effort is a lot of work–more than I can do myself. Which is why I’ve hired several people to help me. My latest release is DRAGON MOON, which came out from Berkley on October 6. The heroine is Kenna, a slave from my alternate universe, sent here to help her ruthless dragon-shifter master invade our world. She meets werewolf Talon Marshall and desperately wants to tell him her frightening secret. But every time she tries to reveal her plight, excruciating pains stab into her head. Even as Kenna and Talon fall in love, he can’t trust her. And she struggles to break through the barriers that control her mind. It’s classic romantic suspense, with the paranormal twists I love.

But how do I tell people about the book? I’ve got several strategies, with three different "publicists" who each bring something to my book promotion.

For years I’ve used Binnie Syril Braunstein of Press Kit Communications. I met her because she lives in my local area. Mainly she makes and sends out ARCs of my single-title Berkley releases to readers’ groups and review sites. And recently, to save money, I asked her to send out "teasers" to some of these groups. The teasers were the first seven chapters of DRAGON MOON, and we got a good response from them. Also, some of the review sites have asked me for interviews. Another thing we tried with this book was offering to give away ARCs to people who would post reviews of DRAGON MOON. Again, this got a great response.

Another key part of my marketing plan for DRAGON MOON involves Circle of Seven Productions. I’ve had them produce a book trailer for the past five of my Berkley single-title releases. This time I also bought a special package they offered in conjunction with Between Your Sheets, a weekly e-newsletter that goes out to readers. (I’m one of the participating authors.) Although COS isn’t strictly a publicist, they do a lot of the same things. They made a great video for DRAGON MOON which you can see on my Web site at www.rebeccayork.com They distributed it to a lot of outlets on the Web including Youtube.

And the video will also be playing on television stations in Northern California. The special deal with them also included a review, blog entries, Tweets about the video that drove traffic to my Web site, and a podcast. (Which became two podcasts!)

But I was looking for more exposure. For DRAGON MOON, I added another publicist, Dana Kaye, recommended by a friend. Dana’s got media savvy and some great contacts. She’s filled in the blanks in my book promotion strategy by sending a DRAGON MOON press kit to various newspapers, magazines, blogs, radio and television shows. As a result of her work, I’m now writing this guest blog entry. She’s also set up a podcast for me as well as several other blogs and articles. And she’s following up on these contacts.

In addition, Dana’s helped me with some other aspects of publicity that I hadn’t used effectively. She linked my Tweets to my Facebook page, made a background for my Twitter page, started me a Facebook fan page, and advises me on my Web presence.

All of the above seems to be working for me. I’m getting a lot of visibility, and I’m not spending a fortune, either. One thing I discovered after doing several book videos with COS is that the shorter ones are probably the most effective. So I’m buying their least expensive products and taking advantage of their media presence. Also, both Binnie and Dana give me excellent value for my money.

In the quest for effective promotion, I’ve learned from my past experiences. Two years ago I hired an expensive publicist and was much less pleased with the relationship. She charged me for her time while she had me paying third-party suppliers for various projects like my Web pages and press kit. Unfortunately, she had a bad habit of getting into disagreements with her suppliers, costing me extra money and sometimes leaving me with not-quite-completed work.

If you’re looking for help with your publicity, find out up front what the publicist will do for you and how much it’s going to cost. Be prepared to be a partner with your publicist. She should listen to your ideas and use them if they make sense. Keep in mind that the most expensive services aren’t necessarily going to be the best for you. And be open to opportunities you might not have considered on your own.

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If you have any questions for Rebecca, post them and I'm sure she'll reply.

If you'd like to see her press kit for DRAGON MOON, if posted it HERE.

That About Covers It

2009-10-02T23:39:00.016-05:00

I just gave my homepage a much-needed update. It includes:

*Fixing the video on Invader and Invaders, two 16mm black and white comedy horror films I shot back in college, on the Photos page.

*Adding over fifty interviews to the Links page.

*Adding easier contact info.

*Adding new items to the Store page.

*Adding new cover art and material on the Freebies & Ebooks page, and on the For Writers page, kicking off the Great Ebook Experiment.

The new covers are something I've wanted to do for a while. I've had over 10,000 ebooks sales on Kindle, but I've never been happy with the cheap cover art I did myself.

I complained about this a few months ago, and the good folks at www.bellbridgebooks.com offered to make me a cover for Disturb. You can see the obvious difference.

My crummy cover:

The new cover:

Seeing a 25% uptick in sales once I stared using the new cover, I hired a friend of mine to redo my other covers. Here are some of his creations:

I've recently uploaded these covers to Kindle, but it takes Kindle several days to update. So if you'd like to see my original, cruddy covers for a comparison, just search for my books on Amazon.

Everyone has opinions about cover art, but few people are able to articulate why they like something, or why they think it works (or doesn't work.)

I approached the new covers with some specific goals in mind. Whether I reached them or not is open to debate, but here was my thought process.

1. Branding. Each of the new covers has a JK banner on the top, with a blurb in it. Even though the images and styles on the covers vary greatly, I wanted a unifying factor. The simple brand JK does this.

2. Genre. I want the reader to be able to tell in two seconds what sort of book this is based on the cover. With Truck Stop, it's a serial killer/cop thriller. Shot of Tequila is a men's action novel, so I wanted a throwback to the pulps with a Robert McGinnis-type of image. Origin is a monster-on-the-loose book, and The List is a technothriller. I believe each of these covers convey their genre.

3. Professional. My early covers looked self-published, like someone with no talent played around with Photoshop--which was exactly what I did. I wanted the new covers to look like books that big publisher release. Or, in the case of Tequila, released 40 years ago.

4. Reduceable. Amazon, and many other e-tailers, shrink the covers to thumbnail size when browsing. I wanted these to still be identifiable and readable when compressed.

5. Eye-catching. After the initial, two-second impression, I wanted enough detail to get people to look closer. The background of Origin is a bible page. The List has a gene sequence, and a family tree of related events. Tequila has some blurbs, an aged appearance, and a fake cover price. With Truck Stop, besides the blood and the bloody tire marks, the heel on the shoe is broken. Hopefully this makes the reader wonder who owns the shoe, and why it is broken, which is answered in the story.

What are some other things you look for in covers? What makes a cover good or bad? And do we really judge books by their covers?

I'd love to hear your thoughts...

Stealing The Future

2009-09-22T18:35:00.002-05:00

I was taking a writing break, surfing the net, and came across Steal This Movie 2.

It doesn't directly address copyright infringement, or offer any solutions. But it does a very good job of explaining why copyright infringement exists, and is unstoppable. It's 45 minutes long, and well worth your time if you have any interest in the future of ebooks, concerns about illegal filesharing, and questions about what the future holds.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpXK8mDTiNg

One of the ideas I found to be the most compelling was the concept of fences.

In the past, property (including intellectual property) had owners. If you owned a bicycle, or wrote a book, it existed as a physical object. To protect your property, you could build a fence around it, so it wouldn't be stolen. Then you could decide what to do with your property. Sell it. Give it away. Throw it away.

But there are no fences anymore. Intellectual property can be copied and distributed, and there is no way to protect it. In fact, the internet was created so people can share and copy information.

I've talked before about gatekeepers. In the past, TV studios, movie producers, and publishers have decided what media the masses can see.

The Internet is changing that. Now, everyone can produce media. The way the trend is going, there won't be any gatekeepers. Or at the very least the ones who exist will have more competition and fewer ways to make money.

For a society, that seems to be a good thing.

But is it good for a writer?

While YouTube has shown that a lot of people can produce media--media that can take viewers away from the TV shows and films produced by the gatekeepers--it hasn't shown how those media creators can make money. The money YouTube generates goes to YouTube, not the people uploading their movies.

And the majority of people uploading content to the Internet aren't uploading their original content. They're uploading media paid for by the gatekeepers.

If you're an artist who wants to earn a living, the way to get paid is to work for the gatekeepers.

But how long will these gatekeepers exist in their present form? How long before the media shared by individuals--both original and pirated--reaches more households than the established distribution networks run by the gatekeepers? And what will happen when that tipping point occurs?

In our desire to share and copy media, we're destroying the institutions that create the media.

But here's the thing. We're only destroying the institutions. We're not destroying the artists.

I don't believe the incentive to create is directly tied in to a paycheck. I wrote many books before ever earning a dime. And if the publishing world collapses, I'll still write books.

If people have an interest in reading me, money will somehow follow suit.

After viewing Steal This Film 2, you won't walk away thinking this is the end of media.

In many ways, it's more like a vibrant new beginning.

The Great Ebook Experiment Part 2

2009-09-14T21:41:00.002-05:00

I should win some sort of award for being disorganized, but if I won it I'd forget where I put it.

That said, I just realized when I switched ISPs, my previous ISP never killed my old email account. So I've spent the last few days wading through a few hundred emails from people who assumed I was ignoring them. And in doing that, I've been ignoring people who have emailed me recently.

But I'm very close to catching up. If you've contacted me about trying the ebook experiment, you'll hear from me by September 18th. If you haven't heard from me by then, try emailing me again at joekonrath(at)comcast.net.

Here's how this is going to work.

I'll need a ready-to-go chapter or excerpt from you, no more than 2500 words, sent to me as an email attachment in either MS Word .doc format or .rtf format.

Included at the end of the exceprt, please list:

1. The Title and your Author Name
2. Date and places the title is available
3. Your website URL
4. A brief two or three sentence bio

Here's an example:

"AFRAID by Jack Kilborn is available as an ebook, audiobook, and paperback, wherever books are sold. Jack Kilborn is the pen name for Joe Konrath, author of Whiskey Sour, Bloody Mary, and several other thrillers. You can find information about Joe at www.JAKonrath.com, where you can download many free ebooks."

I'll also need to know which ebook of mine you'd like the excerpt to appear in, along with two back-ups in case the first one is already full.

My plan is to upload the ebooks to Amazon Kindle on on my website on September 26th. They will run through all of October. After that, we'll pow-wow and discuss if this is getting results for people.

I've gotten a lot of private response about this, most of it favorable. Most people beleive:

Ebooks are here to stay.
Excerpts are a good form of advertising.
This is a pretty cheap experiment.

Will ads in ebooks become the norm? I'm betting yes. Ads appear in magazines, newspapers, radio, TV, and all over the Internet. Ebooks, with their zero cost to copy and distribute, seem to be a perfect medium for advertising. Especially non-intrusive ads that feature content.

Time will tell if I'm right...

The Great Ebook Experiment

2009-08-31T08:42:00.002-05:00

In my previous blog post I talked about the future of ebooks. The current model of overpriced ebooks with exclusive formats isn't going to last, because history shows us it never lasts. Technology, and the media released for technology, follows a pretty predictable pattern.

I believe ebooks are going to lose proprietary formatting and copy protection, and eventually become either cheap or free. People want their media fast, easy, and inexpensive.

Fast and easy will come as a matter of course, as all tech gets better and less expensive as time goes on.

Inexpensive will come one of two ways.

In the best-case scenario, print publishers will realize their strategy of releasing ebooks for the same price as hardcovers is short-sighted and harmful, and they will lower their prices.

But I don't see them doing that. Instead, I see software and tech developers eventually coming up with a system that will allow Joe Average to quickly and easily download all ebooks for free.

Joe Average can already download all ebooks for free, but it isn't quick or easy. There is precedent for this happening, however.

I have an iPhone. The first thing I did when I bought it was jailbreak it.

Jailbreaking involves hacking the operating system of the phone, which allows it to be used for many applications that Apple doesn't condone. One of these applications is Cydia.

Cydia, and Installous, are included with the free programs used to jailbreak iPhones and iPods. These are apps that link directly to websites that let you download apps for free.

In other words, the owner of a jailbroken iPhone doesn't need to go to the iTunes App Store to buy programs and games. They can simply go to Installous and get all of the programs and games for free.

Consider the levels of piracy involved in this endeavor.

Programmers hack the source code. Software developers create the applications. Designers build websites. Then users hack applications and upload them.

This is a streamlined, coordinated effort to steal by thousands of people, used by millions of people. Anyone with a jailbroken iPhone can get any application they want, and it is fast, easy, and free.

This isn't a question of if it will happen with ebooks. It's a question of when. And when it happens, how will authors get paid?

I've said before, you combat piracy with cost and convenience. Selling ebooks (which are essentially a bunch of ones and zeros and cost nothing to copy and distribute) for $9.99 is insane. Especially when you consider that this cost results in the ebook distributors LOSING money, because the print publishers sell them to retailers at 40% the hardcover price. This is hurting the retailers, and the consumers, who are going to go elsewhere to get their ebooks for cheap or free.

But I think there's a way for authors to make money by selling their ebooks cheaply. I think they can even make money by giving their ebooks away.

But first, let's go off on a seemingly unrelated tangent for a moment.

I love going to movies and seeing coming attractions. It gives me a taste of films that I might be interested in seeing. Sometimes a preview announces a film I didn't know about. Sometimes it gives me a glimpse of something I already knew about, and gets me excited about seeing it.

As a form of advertising, previews work. They aren't intrusive, like commercials. You pay to see a movie, and previews are a sort of bonus feature. They offer content.

People like content. They like information and entertainment. They seek it out.

Books have their own kind of preview. At the end of each of my paperbacks, there is a sample chapter of one of my upcoming books. I think this is a no-brainer. The best advertising for your writing is: your writing.

Like a coming attraction, an excerpt informs and entertains. It announces, whets the appetite, and often is a direct call to action. If I read a preview that I like, I buy the book.

For years, I've been wondering why publishers waste money on full page ads in the New York Times, featuring a picture of the book cover and a bunch of blurbs, when a much more effective ad would be a full page excerpt from the novel.

If your writing sells your writing, it makes sense to have your writing in as many places as possible, so it can be seen by as many readers as possible.

Unfortunately, print publishers haven't used this opportunity as much as they could. The end-of-book excerpt is commonplace, but it isn't the equivalent to the coming attractions at a movie theater. Instead of five previews, a book only offers one preview. And the preview is limited, because it is a preview of the same author who wrote the book.

This is understandable. Space is limited, and expensive, in print books. Plus, an author may balk at the idea of having five excerpts from other authors at the end of their novel.

Unless that author is me. :)

Personally, I'd pay a fortune to have ten pages from one of my books appear at the end of a Stephen King or James Patterson novel. It would be a tremendous opportunity.

Which brings us to this experiment.

How would you like to put a ten page excerpt from one of your books in the back of my ebooks?

Not counting SERIAL, which has had over 100,000 downloads as an ebook, my other ebooks have been downloaded roughly 30,000 times on my website and Kindle.

Here are my numbers, as of last Friday:

55 Proof - 3044 free downloads, 468 Kindle downloads
Newbie's Guide to Publishing Ebook - 5761 free downloads
Origin - 3122 free downloads, 2188 Kindle downloads
Disturb - 2724 free downloads, 869 Kindle downloads
The List - 2622 free downloads, 4088 Kindle downloads
Shot of Tequila - 425 paid downloads on my website, 720 Kindle downloads
Truck Stop - 730 Kindle downloads

Now, I'm the first to admit that this isn't enough information to base a reliable advertising scale upon. I've been tracking free books on my website for over 20 months, and have been tracking Kindle books since April 8. It's possible to average day-by-day and month-by-month downloads, but these fluctuate, and differ. For example, Truck Stop is only a month or so old. Shot of Tequila has never been given away for free. The Newbie's Guide has never been for sale. Depending on the month, book downloads go up or down. A lot of it is a crap shoot.

But I'm not out to create an accurate chart for dictating ad rates. For this experiment, I'm going to use a simple model.

I will put your book excerpt in one of my ebooks for $1 a day.

Intrigued? Here are the basic rules.

1. You provide me with an excerpt no longer than 2500 words.

2. You pay me through PayPal for a minimum of 30 days (in other words, $30.)

3. There will be a maximum of five excerpts per ebook title. First come, first serve.

4. In the product description of the ebook I will mention that your excerpt appears, stating your name and the title.

Now lets have some questions.

Q: So my excerpt will appear on both the Kindle and on your website?

A: If my book appears on both, yes. The Newbie's Guide to Publishing Ebook is only on my website. Truck Stop is only on the Kindle, though I will put it on my website soon for $1.59.

Q: Can I put an excerpt in SERIAL?

A: SERIAL, and any of the other ebooks where I have a co-author, are not going to be used for this experiment at this time.

Q: Do you accept all excerpts?

A: No. I reserve the right to not accept an excerpt, and I won't give a reason. But the reason will probably be that I'm already full, or I don't think your excerpt is a good match for my readers, or there are too many typos and errors.

Q: Do you accept short stories or interviews instead of excerpts?

A: No. Book excerpts only.

Q: Can I put an excerpt from an unpublished book in your ebooks?

A: No. Your books must be available for the public to download and/or buy. How else would you be able to track the success of this endeavor?

Q: Does that mean I have to have books in print or on Kindle?

A: Not necessarily. Personally, I think you'd get the most for your money if indeed you had an excerpt from one of your current in-print or Kindle books. But if you want to promote a free ebook you're giving away on your website, just to increase your site traffic, that's fine.

Q: Will you trade excerpt space, one of yours for one of mine?

A: Maybe, if you can prove you have more downloads than me.

Q: Can I pick the ebook I want the excerpt to appear in?

A: As long as there is still room. But keep in mind that my most-downloaded ebook might not be the best one for your excerpt. I encourage you to read the ebook, or at least the description. Different books have different demographics.

Q: Can I advertise in more than one of your ebooks?

A: Yes. Each one is $30 a month.

Q: What document format will you accept?

A: MS Word or rtf.

Q: Can I also include a book cover, or art?

A: No. That's a pain to format, and often comes out looking crummy. But you should include a section that lists your website, and where the book is available.

Q: You posted my excerpt, but now I want to make some changes. Can I send you an updated version?

A: Only if the month ends and you want to buy another month. Either send me something in publishable shape, or don't send anything at all.

Q: What if I want to cancel this in the middle of the month?

A: I'll remove it as soon as I have the time, once you ask. But you won't get your money back. I'll have already spent that on beer.

Q: I don't believe you've had that many downloads. Prove it.

A: Pay for a month, and you'll have access to my download data. I'll give your weekly updates via screenshots, so you'll know how many downloads your excerpt has had.

Q: Is $1 a day fair?

A: I have no idea. Maybe that's too much. Maybe that's not enough. Personally, I would pay a lot more than that to have my excerpts in a well-known author's books, because I believe people will buy my books based on the strength of my writing. But I may be a deluded egomaniac.

Q: Why are you doing this?

A: Besides the money? I believe that ebooks are the future. But I worry how authors will survive in a digital world where everything is free. This experiment is a chance to see if ebooks are a viable medium for advertising. Personally, I think an excerpt is much better than an ad, because it offers content and is viewed as a bonus rather than an intrusion. This makes it more effective, which indeed may help authors sell their books.

Q: Do you think this will work?

A: I dunno. I didn't think putting my books on Kindle would work, and I've made about eight grand so far. I know the hardest thing about being a writer is finding readers. I don't believe print ads works. I don't believe bookmarks and postcards work. I don't believe book trailers work. But I know this costs a lot less than all of those. In fact, I can't think of a cheaper way to promote your book.

Q: Okay, I want to try it. Now what?

A: Email me. But before you do, make sure you have realistic goals, and a way to track those goals. Unless you have some idea what it is you're expecting from this, you'll have no idea if it's working or not.

Q: When does this start?

A: I'm not sure yet. First I need to see what sort of response I get.

Stanza and the Future of Ebooks

2009-08-28T08:20:00.005-05:00

As of this writing, Stanza has been downloaded over two million times.

What's Stanza?

Stanza is an electronic reading application for the iPhone and iPod Touch. It's free. And unlike the Kindle app, which is also available for iPhones, Stanza isn't dedicated to a single format.

Let's talk about formats for a moment, because they're one of the reasons ebooks haven't gone mainstream yet.

The history of media technology is all about formats. A format is the means in which a piece of media (books, movies, music) can be distributed, and, possibly, purchased.

The first form of media was writing. For a long time, the first format for this media was stone.

If you wanted to share your writing, you wrote it on a cave wall, or chiseled it into an obelisk or pyramid. This format had the advantage of being long-lasting, but lacked in portability, and ownership was unheard of. If you wanted to read something, you went to the writing.

Then came paper, and scrolls. Scrolls made it easier to write, and they were portable. But scrolls were labor-intensive, because each scroll had to be hand-written. This precluded ownership, except in the case of libraries, scholars, rulers, and the very rich.

Scrolls were the preferred format for writing for millennia. Then a guy named Gutenberg came along and invented the printing press, and the preferred format became printed books. These were cheap, reproducible, and have been the de facto format for sharing writing media.

Until now.

Now, writing, and publishing, has gone digital. Offset printing, with its costs, labor-intensive set-up, and distribution and shipping limitations (which requires time and travel) is no longer the best format.

The advent of the computer, and the Internet, has made writing easier than ever, and distribution free and unlimited. One monk could labor for years on one scroll, which might be seen by only a few dozen people. With books, a writer could reach millions, but was still limited by gatekeepers (publishers and agents) and distribution. It involved money, and a lot of people. Now a writer can save their words for eternity using an electronic format, for free, and reach unlimited numbers of readers.

But there's a problem. Which format should writers use?

Let's look back to Edison and the invention of the phonograph. Edison's invention used a tube. A competitor used a disk. For whatever reason, consumers bought more disks than tubes, and the record became the preferred format for music.

Other formats showed up. Reel to reel tape. Eight track tape. Cassettes. Digital tape. And CDs.

Of these formats, DT (digital tape) made the most sense. It allowed the consumer to record music digitally, which allowed for much faster and better recordings than analog. The first CDs didn't allow recording.

But eventually, CD burners came into vogue, and CDs became the preferred format for music. Up until mp3s came along.

Let's look back on the history of photography. Actually, let's skip to the part where no one buys film anymore, and everyone has a digital camera.

When movies first became popular, over a hundred years ago, ownership was unheard of. Films were seen, and only the rich could own them. Less-expensive 8mm films weren't a big hit with consumers. Video tape, when it first arrived, caused big controversy and a few lawsuits between the movie and TV producers and videotape manufacturers.

For those who remember, the very first movie ever released to the general public was Star Trek II, on VHS and Beta, for the own-it price of $59.99. This was revolutionary. If you had a $600 VCR or Betamax, you could actually own a movie.

VHS wound up winning the videotape war, even though Beta tapes were smaller and had a superior picture quality. But VHS was eventually usurped by DVD.

You can now buy new DVD players for $30, and new DVDs for $5.

BluRay has tried to replace DVDs as the preferred format (after winning the war against HD-DVD), but it hasn't happened yet. Downloading may be the culprit. Why go out and spend $40 on a BluRay disc when you can download a high def movie on cable, satellite, or on your computer? You can also download digital movies to your iPhone, iPod, PSP, PS3, XBOX 360, and many other gadgets.

Why have a physical copy, that requires manufacturing, travel, shipping, and distribution, and shelf space, when you can fit 300 movies on your hard drive and get them by pressing a button?

But even with downloading movies, there are different formats to deal with. Avi, m4v, mp4, rm, iso, img, and a dozen more.

Which brings us back to formats.

Formats can only be read using certain media or programs. Just like you couldn't play your Edison tube on your RCA 78 player, or your Beta tape on a VHS machine, you can't play your avi movie on your home DVD player (for those who aren't into the downloading scene, avi is about as universal a format as you can get for movies, and there are well over a million avi movies and shows available for free if you know where to look.)

Looking back on history, the best format didn't always win the media wars. VHS beat Beta (and laserdisks). CD beat DT. BluRay beat HD-DVD.

I have a theory about why.

When a company invents a media format, they want control over it. They license the format to others who want to release media on that technology.

This usually backfires, because someone comes along with a competing format that doesn't require a license (or has a cheaper license). No license means its easier for others to release media. The more media a format has available, the more likely it is to succeed.

In some cases, licenses don't matter. The ability for consumers to copy the media in a specific format (like the case of avi--no one has ever released consumer avi files for purchase) will make it the format of choice.

Which brings us back to writing, and to ebooks.

For all intents and purposes, ebooks are superior to print. If you grew up reading ebooks, would there be any advantage at all to inventing offset printing? No.

Ebooks, whether or not anyone wants to believe it, are the future. Because they're cheaper, easier, faster, more versatile, and can be copied.

So why haven't they taken off in a big way yet?

Formats.

There are well over two dozen different ebook formats.

For consumers, this is a nightmare. It's not a question of choosing between VHS or Beta, or HD-DVD and BluRay. It's a question of choosing among a dozen different ebook readers, with more coming out every month. And each of these readers has a licensed format specific and exclusive to their device or program.

Remember when you dumped your VHS and had to buy all of your movies again on DVD? Think about buying the same book ten times, as ereaders come and go and none of their formats are compatible.

Right now, Kindle is the leader in ereader sales. Sony is very much in the game. Barnes & Noble is releasing an ereader too.

Let's set aside the functions, bells and whistles of these machines for a moment. Let's also set aside price. These gadgets will continue to become better, and cheaper, like all technology does.

What it will come down to, like it always does, is who has the biggest library of media available. That will be the format that wins.

Which means these companies have a choice. They can either try to license as many books as possible on their devices in order to get the largest library, or they can create readers that read many different formats, and let consumers decide (as in the case of avi and mp3) which format they prefer.

Now along comes Stanza. It isn't a $400 unitasking ereader that is bound to a single format. It's a free application that reads all of the major formats.

I've been playing around with Stanza for the past week, and I'm impressed. It has the biggest library of any ebook reader, both legally (buying ebooks in various formats) and illegally (downloading ebooks on file sharing sites.)

Don't think people are stealing ebooks? In a one hour stretch yesterday, I downloaded 700 books, all by popular and bestselling authors (including all of my own titles) for free. There are hundreds of thousands of free ebooks available on the Internet, many of them illegal.

Stanza can read all of these books, even though they're in different formats. This is revolutionary. It's also a big step closer to having a universal ereader.

"Universal" is the key here. In the past, Joe Consumer waited for the one format that was available everywhere--the one with staying power--before he committed to buying some new camera or video player or personal stereo.

But now, he doesn't have to wait. He can let the companies duke it out, get a Stanza for free, and read whatever he wants to, in whatever format he wants to. And with a bit of know-how, he'll never have to pay for a book again.

Stanza isn't without its flaws. Some formats don't read as smoothly as others. And getting books from your computer onto Stanza isn't as quick, easy, or elegant as it is with the Amazon Kindle.

But give it time.

Maybe it will be Stanza. Maybe it will be another ereader. But soon, you'll be able to get an app that allows you to instantly download any book you want, for free, on your gadget du jour.

Now, if the big boys want to compete with this, here are my suggestions.

1. Lose proprietary formats, and stop linking your devices to only one distribution network. A universal ebook reader will be able to read many formats, and get them easily from many sources.

2. You don't fight piracy with copy protection and licensing. You fight it with cost and convenience. That means NY print publishers need to wake the hell up and stop selling ebooks for full price. For those who don't know, Kindle and Sony lose money on ebook versions of hardcovers. Publishers insist on selling ebooks to them for 40% of the hardcover price. So when Kindle or Sony sell an ebook for $9.99 (which is still waaaaay too high) they are actually LOSING five bucks per book. How do any of the parties involved in this ridiculous model think it can be sustainable?

3. Become your own publisher. Then you control the content, and the price, and you don't have to share profits (or lose profits.) Kindle has allowed for authors to publish on their device (and Sony is doing the same) and since April I've made over eight thousand dollars selling my books there. But allowing authors to publish, and actively soliciting name authors, are two different things. They need to start soliciting.

4. Once you have the universal technology nailed down, share it. It's smart for Amazon to have a Kindle for iPhone. But if it really wants to be the universal reader, it should have Kindle apps freely available for all smart phones, computers, video game systems, cable and satellite TV, and pretty much everything consumers use or can use to read on. Then it should allow that reader to access books not only on Amazon, but on all places ebooks are available.

So how will they make money, if they give away the app for free, and link to sources that have free ebooks?

Stay tuned...

Coming This Monday: I'll share the answer. I'm also going to back up my words with actions, and begin a new, revolutionary ebook experiment that you can participate in. It's going to turn some heads, that's for sure.

Keeping Up

2009-08-24T12:02:00.002-05:00

Planting the seed isn't enough to ensure it grows.

Plants need attention. Water. Sunlight. Pruning. Fertilizer. Insecticide.

Planting is tough. But the work doesn't end there.

Maintenance and upkeep is a never-ending process.

Which brings us to one of my Achilles heels. And perhaps one of yours as well.

I'm great at planting. Maintaining, not so much.

For those who haven't caught the obvious analogy to marketing yet, let me drive the point home.

If you want to sell books by using the Internet, maintenance is essential.

When was the last time you updated your website?

When was the last time you blogged?

Traded links?

Friended people on MySpace, Facebook, Shelfari, or Goodreads?

Participated in a forum?

Having an online presence doesn't mean building it and the forgetting it. It means constant upkeep, diligent attention to what visitors want, and an ongoing addition of quality content.

You can't ever rest on your laurels.

I've been buried in writing for the past few weeks. Which is great--I'm lucky to have contracts and deadlines. But this isn't an excuse for lapsing on my net maintenance.

A good website or blog will keep attracting new visitors.

But new content is what keeps visitors coming back.

Don't forget your site maintenance. You worked too hard planting the seed to let it die.

Now stop screwing around on my blog and go tend to your garden.

Hint Fiction Anthology Open Submissions

2009-08-12T12:28:00.004-05:00

Robert Swartwood asked me to pass this along, which i'm doing because I like the guy, like the concept, and like my blog readers, many of whom need to submit to this collection.

I am not the editor, so don't direct any questions to me. Visit Rob.

hint fiction (n) : a story of 25 words or less that suggests a larger, more complex story

_________________________________

Anthology Guidelines

Tentatively scheduled for the fall of 2010, W.W. Norton will publish an anthology of Hint Fiction. What is Hint Fiction? It’s a story of 25 words or less that suggests a larger, more complex story. The thesis of the anthology is to prove that a story 25 words or less can have as much impact as a story 2,500 words or longer. The anthology will include between 100 and 150 stories. We want your best work.

It’s possible to write a complete story in 25 words or less — a beginning, middle, end — but that’s not Hint Fiction.

The very best Hint Fiction stories can be read many different ways.

We want stories we can read again and again and never tire of. Stories that don’t pull any punches. Stories that make us think, that evoke some kind of emotional response.

Take a look at the winners and honorable mentions of the Hint Fiction Contest for examples.

Payment is $25 per story for World and Audio rights.

Reprints? Sure, but unless you’re one hundred percent confident in the reprint, why not try to write an original piece?

For formatting purposes, you must include a title (which actually works in your benefit, as the title helps give a better “hint” of the overall story).

Writers can only submit up to two stories, both embedded in the same e-mail. Don’t worry about a cover letter. We don’t care where you’ve been published or what graduate program you’ve attended — all author identification will be stripped by a third party so we will only see the stories and nothing but the stories.

To make everyone’s lives easier, embed the stories like this:

TITLE

Story.

TITLE

Story.

Your name.

Submissions will open August 1 and close at midnight Eastern time August 31. Submit only to this address:

hint.fiction@gmail.com

(An auto responder has been set up so you can get immediate confirmation that your submission has been received. On the off-chance you do not receive an automated response within an hour, submit again. If on the off-off-chance you still receive nothing, e-mail me at my personal address and we’ll get it figured out.)

Please note that due to the expected volume of submissions, we will be forced to respond with form letters.

Thank you, and good luck.

***For a limited time, if you link to these guidelines on your blog or Twitter, you can submit a third story. These must be posted between July 1 and August 15. Include the link at the end of your e-mail. If you don’t include a link, the third story will be deleted unread.***

-------------------

So what are you waiting for? Write some hint fiction and send it to Rob. And to makes sure you get preferential treatment, tell him JA sent you. :)

Here are two hints that I've written, to give you kids an example of the form:

REFLECTIONS ON REFLECTIONS
Is my hair okay? I can never tell. Is that why you won't invite me in for a bite?

X-JUNKIE
The adrenaline really kicked in when Parker realized he'd forgotten to pack his parachute.

JA Konrath Tweets

2009-08-11T09:07:00.004-05:00

Every funny one I've done so far...

I go to a discount topless bar. Everything is 50% off.

I annoy strippers because I'm notoriously cheap, and they hate where I stuff the nickels.

Glaceau has a product called Smart Water, but only an idiot would pay $2.59 for a bottle of water.

I adopted a highway. It cost me $32000 for its first year of college.

I hid some cash in an old sofa that burned in a fire, so I don't have cash to buy a new sofa. It's a real Couch-22.

To all you married guys: Remember when you thought saying "I do" meant never having to jerk off again? We were so naive, weren't we?

I'm starting a website for people who like to take home movies of their potatoes. It's called YouTuber.

The hardest thing about killing zombies is convincing the cops they were already dead when you shot them.

IMO, the only people allowed to protest abortion are those who have adopted 25 children or more.

Am I the only one who thinks scat music is crap?

"Diversity" is just another way of saying "put your wallet in your front pocket."

My buddy told me that cows have four stomachs, but I told him that was a lot of tripe.

I've got an adverb fetish. It makes me really really really really really really really really really really really hot.

My recent doctor visit confirms that you shouldn't use Chapstick you found without a cap on the men's room floor at the bus station.

How do amoebas communicate? Cell phones.

I was all set to go to Scarborough Fair, but I ran out of thyme.

Don't you hate waking up and stepping barefoot on a big pile of dog shit after a night of drinking, then remembering you don't own a dog?

Mr. Milk got picked last for kickball. Because he always got creamed.

Not only was Hitler a maniac who killed millions of people, but he also ruined the "mini-mustache" look for the rest of us.

The votes have finally been correctly recounted in the Iran election, and it is no surprise at all that the winner is... Al Gore.

Did I remember to take my memory medication?

There is nothing at all funny about cancer. Except dick cancer. Dick cancer is pretty funny.

Happy Late Father's Day. (That's for all of you with dead dads.)

I practice safe sex. But my wife accidentally got locked in the safe, and I can't remember the combination.

It's easy to always focus on the negative. That's why I do it, because it's easy.

I was going through my closet and found a "We Shall Never Forget" tee shirt, but I forgot why I bought it.

At the eulogy, the priest said the deceased was now in a much better place. Where? That dark and cramped coffin? How is that better?

Making "best of" lists is silly and stupid, and I've come up with the top twenty-five reasons why.

My best friend died injecting drugs. The coroner removed two joints and a one-hitter from his right ventricle.

When Barbie gets older, will she need plastic surgery?

The secret to partying all night long: adult-sized diapers. Tug one on and party till nap time, baby.

These are trying times. Today, I'm trying some crystal meth.

I went out to eat and tried a Rocky Mountain Oyster. I had a ball.

When our little League Team went to the World Series in Iowa, we had to ride coach. We hated it, but coach gave us each $5 not to tell.

It's not the size of your boat, it's the size of your penis.

I lost my left eye in a terrible texting accident! .>(

Critics who say Twitter is the end result of the ever-shortening attention span of Western Civiliz... BRB - gotta check my email.

Grilled some brats. They were the wurst.

We have a crack whore problem in Chicago. There aren't enough to go around.

Q: What medieval fortune had a large proboscis? A: Nostrildamus! He nose all! -- I think I need to get some sleep...

I'm vehemently opposed to self-defense.

I sved bigg mnoney on my eeyes aat D.r. Bobbs dicountt Lasiks!!1!

I never pulled the wings off flies or stuck firecrackers in frogs when I was a child. That didn't happen until I was in my twenties.

The universe is expanding, which is incredible, especially in this economy.

Being Goth isn't just about dressing in black, getting a nose ring, and listening to The Cure. It's also about eye make-up, and lots of it.

They should have an award for being modest. I'd win, for sure.

My get rich quick scheme, Gently Used Toilet Paper, isn't doing as well as I'd hoped. Perhaps my Second Hand Floss idea will make up for it.

Erosion, though an essential component to understanding earth's geography, isn't very interesting to watch.1

A new drink for the hearing impaired: Liparitas

Instead of "Mothers Day" how about "Sexy Virgins Day?" It can be nine months earlier.

I put a toilet in my Jeep. So, technically, I can now call it a dump truck. Now I never have accidents.

I shoplift at Goodwill stores, but I never steal anything good and always end up giving it to charity.

Some things really shouldn't be artificially flavored. Like guns, or toilet seats.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the morning.

The Oreo juggler was unemployed, because no one wanted to see him toss his cookies.

We used to call him "Fireworks Freddie", which was much cooler than his new nickname, "Stumpy Fred."

I invented an invisible car, but I forgot where I parked it.

I dated a photographer, but she dwelled on the negative.

And on the seventh day, the Lord rested. So how long must we wait for Him to stop resting and get back to work?

I sold my screenplay "Butt Aliens." I got a piece of the back end.

Librarians have big hearts. Probably because they have good circulation.

I wrote a book on snakes, and was bitten eight times. Next time, I'll write the book on paper instead.10:53 AM Apr 29th from web

Had phone sex with my wife. She charged five dollars a minute.

Using Twitter while driving is dangerous. It's too easy to mispell something.

I wrote a book about my car. It's an autobiography.

I just read a book called The Very Small Box, but I couldn't get into it.

I didn't pay back my student loan, so they just repossessed my education. Now I'm not allowed to use anything I learned from '88-'92.

I returned my buffalo cell phone. Too many roaming charges.

I just changed my name to "Car Repairs" so I could get more hits on Google.

We need to focus our efforts and pass laws to legalize marijua... dude, you got any chips?

I wrote a book called The 144 Murders. It's gross.

I wrote another book called The Paraplegic Murders. It'll keep you glued to the chair. You'll read it in one sitting. But the ending is lame.

Years ago, I wrote a book called The Elephant Murders. It's a trunk novel.

I wrote another book called The Chickadee Murders. Buy it. It's cheep.

I wrote another book called The Elevator Murders. It has its ups and downs.

I wrote another book called The Viagra Murders, which will also keep you up all night.

I wrote a book called The Caffeine Murders. It's guaranteed to keep you up all night.

I copyrighted the word "copyright." Now a lot of people owe me some serious money.

I'm writing a book about a man who buys a cemetery, but it isn't a good plot.

My doctor asked if I was sexually active. I said no, I just lie there and my wife does all the work.

I stayed in the homes of some very nice people on this book tour, so I kind of regret peeing in all their shampoo bottles. Kind of.

Research confirmed my cereal suspicions: "Crunch Berries" aren't real fruit. Shame on you, Cap'n.

I need a wireless headset or a third hand, because this "phone sex while driving" business has almost gotten me killed, many times.

If you sunbathe on a nude beach, you can get coconuts.

"Get the lead out," said Mr. Pencil. I admit, he had a good point.

My neighbor, Mr. Circle, always seems to be a round.

It's hard to cosplay Transformers, because fanboys keep trying to bend your legs the wrong way and shove your head down into your neck.

I'm going to open a chili shop and call it The Gas Station.

Bought an electric socket, at an outlet store.

After years of struggle, I've finally overcome my chronic narcolepssszzzzzzzzzzkkkzzzzzzzzzzzzzzkkkkkkk...

If you took all the snakes in the world, and laid them end to end, it would probably take a lot of time.

Hip new name for male on male: pole vaulting.

I joined a bulimia support group. We all have a light snack, then talk about whatever comes up.

Chunky style peanut butter is great. I wish they made other things chunky style. Like hot dogs.

Just saw The Wiz. Disappointed. I thought there would be golden showers.

Every loves the traditional Haknort Family Easter Egg Hunt, except my wife. I think it's because the speculum is cold.

Christ has died. Christ has risen. Zombie! Shoot the head!

I just wrote a bittersweet coming of age romantic comedy screenplay. It's called: Pull Out For The Money Shot. Auditions soon.

I keep having this dream where I'm trying to hunt a pink elephant with big, floppy ears, but my spear is too small and keeps bending.

I'd eat more vegetables if, instead of vitamins and minerals, they were filled with more essential compounds. Like caffeine and alcohol.

Proposed T-shirt slogan for Twitter fans: "I'd tell you how much I love Twitter, but I only have 140 characters"

Proposed T-shirt slogan for the FaceBook aficionado: "I Don't Want To Join Your Damn Mafia"

Proposed T-shirt slogan for the unhappy motorist: "MapQuest Fucked Me"

Proposed T-shirt slogan for the busy parent: "I Am Not Google"

If you're reincarnated in Norway, are you bjorn again?

I'm on the treadmill six hours a day, and I haven't lost a pound. Maybe I need to try it without the roller blades...

That wasn't a flying squirrel! I saw you throw it!

The nurse dove into the pool and saved my life. She's a wet nurse. But what I really want, is a head nurse.

I like to take amphetamines and tranquilizers at the same time, so I can feel normal.

I eat a lot of Mexican food, so as a precaution I installed a seat belt & an airbag in my bathroom. You can't be too careful with burritos.

I didn't know you had to mail back Netflix DVDs. So far "Showgirls" has cost me $687.99.

I'm appalled by all of the pornography on the Internet. In fact, I'm appalled by it roughly seven and a half hours a day.
The answer isn't sex, or drugs, or money. The answer is taking drugs while having sex on a big pile of money.

Just got the Director's Cut of Mary Poppins. Looking forward to the deleted "bad touch" scene & the alternate ending with the waterboarding.

You shouldn't throw out the baby with the bathwater. Unless you really don't like being a parent that much. Or your baby is butt ugly.

I would like sushi more if it were breaded and fried in a square shape, then put on a bun with some American cheese. And served by a clown.

I hate wearing watches, so I trained my dog to tell time and cling to my wrist and bark every sixty seconds. It's so much easier this way.

Birthday wishes are nice. But nobody gave me what I really wanted; a robot stripper filled with gummy bears and cocaine. Maybe next year...

I've spent a lot of time sowing wild oats. I've ruined six Singer machines so far.

I've found the quickest and cheapest way to deal with a runny nose without medication, is the multi-purpose bendy straw.

Never let them see you sweat. If you start to sweat, poke them right in the eyes, Moe style.

I was stuck in the middle of a riot the other day, and the looting was positively horrible. I only got two flatscreen TVs and a Zune.

I just watched a video about trout fishing. It was a streaming video.

Comedians never die. Their jokes live on posthumorously.

I don't see how DNA can catch criminals. It's too small to drive a car, let alone slap on some handcuffs.

I haven't learned a thing in hypnotism class, and it costs $300 an hour. But for some reason I just signed up for six more sessions.

I've planted over three hundred eggs, but haven't grown a single chicken.

I realized I'm not fat; just too short for my body weight. So instead of going on a diet, I'm committing myself to growing 17 inches taller.

I've talked to dozens of people, but nobody wants to invest in my all natural "green" toilet paper substitute; the washable pooper cactus.

I bet if time stopped, there would be very few people who would spend three grand on a Rolex. Especially since we'd probably all be dead.

I don't fear that aliens are reading my mind. The tin foil hat is just a precaution.

It's been 25 years. Did Frankie ever make it to Hollywood?

My beeper plays Led Zeppelin riffs when I get a call. It's my Jimmy Pager.

I'm now on a vegan diet. So far this month I've eaten two vegans.

I want to be a poseur, but I'm really not sincere or authentic, so I just act like one and hope I'm accepted by other poseurs.

My wife is demanding a romantic getaway this Valentine Day, but she refuses to tell me whom she's going with.

I've been hoping for a comeback, but I think I'm about ready to sell my stocks in VHS, Polaroid, and floppy disks.

Just got ten mil in bailout money. Oh, wait, I forgot...I'm not a greedy, overpaid Wall Street banker. Well, maybe it will trickle down.

If someone cut off my leg, I'd be mad. Hopping mad.

Cherish is the word I use to describe. No, wait... I meant "extort."

I don't see why ketchup is considered a condiment--I think it's a perfectly good meal all on its own. Especially if you let it get gummy.

I never let sleeping dogs lie. Dogs should have to tell the truth.

WWJAHD? Drink a lot, then give unsolicited publishing advice.

A nice thing about winter is no mosquitos. That is, until they learn to start wearing parkas. Then winter will reeeeally suck.

It's tough being perfect. You have to be careful you don't make even the tiniest little mistaek.

They should make a video game that's a video game simulator, for when you don't want to play a real video game.

I'm all for equality, as long as I'm making more money than everyone else.

Life isn't about what you can take. It's about what you can take and get away with.

It's important not to respond to your critics. They're far too stupid, ugly, lazy, and smelly to understand anyway.

You have to watch out for bad cholesterol. The other day, I was eating a pizza, and some bad cholesterol stole my car.

I'd enjoy rewriting more if I'd put all the "re" in there the first time.

I don't know everything. I just happen to have vocal opinions about everything.

I went bowling with my son. A ball rolls better.

The waiter thought I was nuts when I asked for A1 sauce. I hate snobs like that. I should be able to pour whatever I want on my apple pie.

I tried to become a male prostitute, but couldn't find any willing partners when I told them I charged by the second.

I found the needle in the haystack. Now what?

Life sucks, but doesn't swallow.

Spanking can cause deep psychological scars in children. So you should wait until they're asleep, then blame it on bad dreams.

I pinch pennies so tight Lincoln's face is on my thumb.

If I had a brand new blank CD for each one I've wasted, I wouldn't be writing this.

It came straight from the horse's mouth. I think it's a tooth.

If you have a gambling problem, please visit www.Bet-It-All-Now.com and win big! All major credit cards accepted.

You shouldn't eat yellow snow, but what if someone spilled Mountain Dew? Wouldn't that be worth the risk? Hmm... it was urine after all.

I'm appalled by how many men objectify a woman's breasts. Maybe you should realize, Mr. One-Track-Mind, she's also got a great butt.

She told me the necklace was too tight and when she finally got it on it made her eyes bug out. I decided not to tell her it was a bracelet.

Someone once touched me in a bad place. Gary, Indiana.

A word to the wise: insisting your profession is "a human sundial" when you get arrested for indecent exposure does not amuse the judge.

It took me three hours to catch that chicken. Talk about fast food.

I finally bought an iPet, but it costs too much to download the pet food.

The Internet has many wonders, but for some reason Amish porn isn't one of them.

She called them "butter cookies" but they were really just whole sticks of butter with sugar sprinkled on top. I ate three.

I saw a cow in a leather jacket and cowboy boots, eating hamburgers, and I asked her why. She had no excuse, maybe because cows can't talk.

She called herself Deja Vu, and I had a really weird feeling I'd seen her before.

Should old acquaintance be... uh... I can't remember.

I can tolerate veins in a hotdog. But I draw the limit at foreskins. Though, I did give the chef a tip.

He was a snappy dresser, until the day he lost both thumbs.

Q What do you call it when a truck runs over your butt? A ;

I hate Quitters Anonymous meetings, but I just keep going for some reason.

For all the chefs: seasonings greetings and happy hollandaise.

I missed mime class, because I was practicing at home and got stuck in an imaginary box.

Some hair should never be tweezed. It takes forever for the swelling to go down so you can put your underwear back on.

When there's something really chewy in the apple pie, but you can't really identify it, I really hope it isn't cartilage.

All men are created equal. But then some open their mouths and really test that notion.

Some of my best friends are books, except for The Grapes of Wrath, which slept with my wife and beat me up and stole my car.

If you had a pocket full of pennies and one quarter, and a coin fell out and rolled into the sewer, it would be the quarter.

Beer--it's good for what ales you.

Indeed, the pen is mightier than the sword. But only the rocket pen, which fires a surface to air missile filled with tiny swords.

I'm going to get a full body tattoo. It will be a picture of someone thinner and more attractive.

I don't think my psychiatrist understands me. Maybe I should have chosen one that speaks English.

I just bought one of those new morse code cell phones. It's totally .- .-- . ... --- -- . ..--.

My publisher is having a holiday special on all of my Jack Daniels thrillers. Buy two books at full price, get the third at full price.

I wrote a book about menopause, but it is hard to understand because it doesn't have any periods.

When the old gypsy cursed me, I laughed in her face. I'm not laughing now, because when she saw me laugh she beat the hell out of me.

I'm fearless, except when it comes to things that really scare me.

Hemorrhoids are awful. I don't know what is worse, the itching, the pain, or the taste.

I don't care if it is another dare, I'll never shave with a rusty bottle cap and witch hazel ever again.

FYI, a screwdriver isn't the proper tool to remove earwax. What was that? You say something?

I like to jog backwards so I can see what I missed.

The doctor said I'd feel a little prick. Then he dropped his pants.

I'm bi-curious, but I feel I'd only be hurt in the end.

I've got a closed-captioned TV on a ten foot stand. It's the ultimate in hi-def.

I invented the world's smallest cell phone. But I can't seem to find it.

Are hearing aids becoming more expensive? I haven't heard anything about it.

Have you ever had an affair with a woman married to someone else? I have. I hope Grandpa never finds out.

Making fun of the elderly is wrong. Unless they're really really old. Then it's OK, because, hey, what are they going to do about it?

Catching a tiger by the toe gets easier with practice, my friend Stumpy told me.

I was addicted to nicotine gum, chewing three packs a day. So in order to ween myself off, I started smoking.

Grandma said the secret ingredient in her cookies was love. But I spied on her while she was baking. It was really boogers.

I'm hoping for the day humans learn to breathe underwater, but I'm not holding my breath.

I have two left feet. They're in the freezer. I also have a can full of knuckles.

My foot was injured at the mattress factory, and now I've got a spring in my step.

The crytographer called in sick, because caught a code. Yeah, I groaned too when I thought of it.

Twenty-five percent of people surveyed claim to understand percentages. The other eighty percent do not.

I asked my wife why she hated sex, but she said she didn't hate sex, just sex with me. I understand. I wouldn't want sex with me either.

I think the candy companies should make a candy that can be not only be eaten, but also snorted. Also, it should have cocaine in it.

Vomiting through your nose is awful, but someone else vomiting through your nose is even worse.

One of the "things" that "writers" like to "do" most of "all" is to "abuse" quotation "marks."

Few things are as crucial, decisive, exigent, foremost, imperative, meaningful, necessary, relevant, salient, and vital, as the synonym.

Sex is great exercise, but I probably need more exercise than just four minutes a month.

Next time you're in an 'everything is a dollar' store, ask the cashier how much each item is. They'll think it's funny, so ask often.

It is finally time for change! Here's a dollar, go get me some change.

Pets enrich our lives, with many essential vitamins and minerals.

People who rate things are overrated.

I'm writing a book about elderly dinosaurs. It's called Geriassic Park. The T-Rex hero breaks a hip, and his children never call.

I wish I could put batteries in my batteries, so my batteries didn't keep running out.

People do the funniest things when they're on fire.

I had a pair of Velcro underwear, but they got ripped off.

I bet when Hormel Foods sends out emails they get blocked a lot.

It took me 25 years to realize it, but yes, Boy George, I really want to hurt you.

I caught a virus surfing erotica online. Syphilis. Next time I'll wear latex gloves.

I was supposed to go to my Stop Swearing class, but they canceled it, those fucking asshole bastard shits.

I wish I had two heads so talking to myself wouldn't look so awkward.

I just found out I'm allergic to myself. Now I can't take me anywhere.

My librarian has circulation problems. And my pilot caught a terminal disease. So my astrologist must have... cancer.

When you're going through ice-cream cone withdrawal, do you get the shakes?

If you take your bike to a smelting plant, is that recycling?

I rewrite all of my stories until I get to the fourth draft. After that, I switch to bottles.

Sure, you can have a sip. My sore is almost gone.

When I saw her, my breath caught and my heart skipped a beat. But I realized later it was really a myocardial infarction.

The best revenge is living a long, fulfilling life. That and burning down their house while they're trapped inside.

I've taken several pilates classes, but they still won't let me fly any airplanes. Look, they can't all be good.

I just saw my first Bollywood movie. It had a caste of thousands.

I hate it when I get a hair on my tongue. Especially when the hair is attached to an angry weasel.

Yellow is my favorite yellowish color, though orange is a close second.

Whenever I go fishing, I'm reminded of an old girlfriend. Her name was Annette. She also had a sister, named Smallmouth Bass.

Ah, October. Time to finally throw out that Christmas tree.

It's better to have loved and lost, than to have bet on the ponies and lost.

Some say you should love your enemy. I say, love his wife. That'll really piss him off.

The things that come out of the mouths of babes. Like this toaster. How'd he fit that whole thing in there?

I don't understand nuclear fission. First, how do you get the poles and hooks that small? Second, why is my hair falling out?

Roget had waaaay too much free time.

Sometimes the truth hurts. Especially when it's followed by a severe beating.

If I had a ten dollars for every car accident I've ever been in, I still couldn't pay my insurance.

I hated him, but he said I couldn't judge him unless I walked a mile in his shoes. So I beat him up and took his shoes.

Senility isn't all bad. Buy one magazine, and it entertains you for the rest of your life because you keep forgetting you read it.

One thing that has never caught on as a form of group celebration and entertainment, is the enema.

I've written a book about Viagra. It's a pop-up book. It was a hard book to write.

I named my daughter "Virus." Isn't that catchy?

I think the best headache medicine would be when you open the bottle, a monster jumps out and chases you all around the house, trying to kill you. I bet thjat would really take your mind off of your headache. it would probably work as a laxative, too.

I like to go hunting for deer with one of those toy guns that has a little "BANG" flag pop out when you pull the trigger. Then, when all the deer are laughing at my joke, I shoot them with my 12 guage.

Sex is best with someone you love. That's why I love everyone.

My whole family loves "Pirate Day", especially my ten year old son. We make paper pirate hats and swords out of cardboard, and draw pictures of pirate ships, and then break into people's houses and rape and pillage them.

If you fart while breaking the sound barrier, does it catch up with you later?

Fingernail biting is a bad habit, but it's even worse when the fingers aren't your own.

I'm not afraid of genetically altered or irradiated fruit, except for that giant pear who followed me home and beat me up and stole my TV.

It's not really "stealing" if you plan to return everything you stole some day, perhaps after you die.

He said it was CPR, but I was only sleeping. Also, I don't think CPR uses tongue.

I've discovered -PEPSI™- an easy way -HONDA™- to make extra money -IBM™- with Twitter -ZIMA™-.

This writing business isn't about "publicity." Or "fame." It has nothing to do with the amount of "money" we "earn." As "writers" this "business" is about "one thing" and "one thing only"---our "ability" to abuse "quotation marks."

It was exactly like the blind leading the blind. Except no one was blind. Or leading anyone anywhere. Also, we were all asleep.

It would be cool to be a shark, but not without its specific challenges, like driving to work and breathing air.

When I'm fishing I don't use hooks because I don't want to hurt any fish. Also I stay away from water and boats and the outdoors. So basically I just sit on the sofa and watch TV.

Making "buttered popcorn" using styrofoam packing pellets and motor oil isn't as tasty as it sounds.

I wish I had an angel & devil appear on my shoulders every time I had to make a moral decision, because I could eat those guys when I was hungry.

When you're a professional eater, a lunch break is just more work.

It's always darkest just before the vampires attack.

As I turned my head and coughed I thought, "How lucky I am to have found a doctor who gives free exams in back alleys."

I bought some Dutch cheese, and it was really Gouda.

Just wrote my first romance, "Nibble The Taint: A Geriatric Love Odyssey". Now looking for a cover artist. And a publisher. And readers.

Today I have spontaneity practice, followed by my Procrastinator's Anonymous meeting, which I'm going to blow off.

I'm stating a new club called "Everyone Is Excluded." I'd invite you, but I'm not invited either.

A child's laughter is more precious than gold. I keep telling the pawn shop guy that, but he still won't buy my son.

I'm reducing my beer consumption to one glass a day. Anyone know where I can find a 200 ounce glass?

I don't feel bad about stealing music online, because I only steal songs that I really hate and will never listen to.

People spend a lot of money to get rid of wrinkles, but you can attach a bike pump to a needle for around ten bucks.

Snacks are like sex, and I'm looking to get Frito-laid.

Facebook? How about "Buttbook." I'd join, just for the profile pics.

I wrote a book about potty training. It was a number two bestseller.

Time is relative. That's why I call him "Uncle Time."

I'm writing a novel about a dwarf. Does that make it a short story?

With some lube I can fit my whole hand up my nose.

I'm starting to think that Beatles' song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds may be about some sort of drug use.

I can make blue cheese, with the right color marker.

A bagel is like a donut without the fun.

I wonder if my toes are happy.

That Jughead sure can eat! Silly Jughead!

Maybe there wouldn't be so many poor people in the world if they all had a bunch of money.

Black is the new black. Except it isn't so dark, and has a hipness it lacked before.

This year I'm voting...for flavor.

I can taste my own tongue. Could be the vodka.

I don't think caffeine is a drug, but coffee is a lot easier to ingest by mainlining.

Are scabs low-carb?

Having twelve fingers would be awesome. Except when it came time to buy gloves...

Sleep is overrated. So is Casablanca. They need to remake it with Will Ferrell. That would be funny. Also, add some kung fu.

Ben & Jerry are trying to kill me. They need to have stents in their pints.

If It Gets Made, Someone Will Like It

2009-08-09T20:08:00.005-05:00

I just spent a few days sitting at a table at Wizard World, a comicbook convention. Small compared to ComiCon, it still dwarfed the biggest mystery convention, Bouchercon, the biggest thriller convention, Thrillerfest, the biggest horror convention, World Horror Con, and it even beat Romantic Times in terms of crowd attendance.

Two semi-profound things struck me at this convention, as I watched thousands of people browse hundreds of booths.

1. There are a lot of talented people in the world. The pros, as seen walking through Artists Row and gawking at theiir incredible works on display. And the layman, sporting elaborate costumes that took more time to create than it takes me to write a novel.

2. After someone creates art, someone else, somewhere, somehow, will find it and embrace it.

Fandom is an interesting aspect of human experience. I believe there is a storytelling gene which we're wired into. I also believe that once we identify with something--it could be a mate, our kids, our friends, or something like a TV show, book, or movie--we take ownership of it.

At Wizard World, you could identify fans by sight. These folks dressed to express their love of genre, character, actor, writer, artist, or performer, either by advertising or imitating.

Yes, there were folks dressed as Jedi. And superheroes. But I'd say at least 90% of the attendees also sported tee shirts or outfits that loudly shouted what they liked.

How strange. And how obvious.

Identifying and aligning ourselves with some sort of artistic expression is part of what makes us human. We try something. We accept it. We embrace it. We defend it.

Could be sports. Could be religion. Could be Battlestar Galactica. It's what makes us, us.

Which brings me to creative endeavors.

If Wizard World taught me anything, it's that an audience--and corresponding marketing potential--exists for anything we as humans can dream up.

This is a Good Thing.

It's also a Hard Thing.

As an artist, the desire to express yourself is strong, but the desire to have the masses embrace your expression (and for you to benefit from it) is just as strong.

So how do we decide what to Do? How do we know if what we're Doing will find some sort of universal embrace?

We don't.

Star Wars, Harry Potter, Twilight--these things happened to strike universal chords.

Many artists disregard popular art. They belittle and berate the huge successes.

That's crazy. It's like disregarding your potential audience.

No artist deserves success, and no art is worthy of universal acceptance. But when it happens, it should bear closer examination.

On one hand, if you want to create something truly unique, chances are you'll find some people who will like what you've created.

On the other hand, if you want to reach a large audience, pay attention to the things that reach a large audience.

The point of writing is to be read. It can't hurt to pay attention to what people are reading. And I'm sure it is possible to do this while still being you.

The End of The Critic

2009-08-05T09:17:00.002-05:00

GI Joe is opening this week, and like Transformers 2--which has been the biggest hit of the summer--it isn't being screened for critics.

In the past, when a movie wasn't screened for critics, it was usually because the producers knew it would get terrible reviews.

But we're moving toward a world where producers don't seem to care about that once-valued stamp of approval. And there's a reason for this.

You, the consumer, don't care about critics.

In years past, the critic had a role to play. They informed and opined about upcoming releases--releases you may not had heard of, or that you had heard of but wanted to know more about.

But now, anything you want to know more about is just one click away. And if you're looking for opinions and reviews, you can get them from your peers.

Rottontomatoes.com and IMDB.com are where people look for movie reviews. And unlike critics, many who are notoriously tough, biased, or eccentric, these sites provide an average rating.

The masses have spoken.

Books are similarly covered (pardon the pun--actually, embrace the pun.)

With the meteoric decline in newspapers, the rise in Internet reviews has more than compensated. Besides personal blogs and websites, booksellers like Amazon, BN, and Borders all allow users to rate books. Goodreads, Librarything, and Shelfari are dedicated specifically to book reviews and recommendations.

Bye bye, Mr. Critic. You had a good run.

Personally, I find it both liberating and disconcerting. It's great that someone like Roger Ebert no longer has the power to kill a movie with a downturned thumb. No matter the media, chances are the artist worked like a dog and poured their heart and soul into the project. It isn't fair for one person to destroy potential profits.

But at least that one person was somewhat informed. While the masses seem to agree on their overall ratings, and the average is a better indicator of worth than the words of one man, there are still thousands of barely literate chuckleheads who have no clue how to review, yet continue to do so.

So we've traded snooty for ignorant.

I'm okay with that. I've spent my writing years hoping for the big newspaper and magazine reviews, and haven't gotten many. But search the net, and you'll find plenty of people willing to review my books. It levels the playing field.

It also makes me wonder when awards will follow suit.

I'm not a big fan of awards. Nepotism rules. Judges' opinions carry too much weight. Often they don't even need to read the nominated work. The self-congratulatory nature of most awards is a turn-off, and I rarely agree that the winners were indeed the best.

But what if the masses actually could pick?

I'm curious why Amazon.com doesn't give awards. Couldn't they sell a few more books by giving the top 5 Best Reviewed Books of the Year an award?

Why don't Goodreads and Librarything give awards? This seems like a more honest, and realistic, way to judge merit than just about any award I can think of.

What do you think?

Get Better, Not Bitter

2009-07-29T15:36:00.003-05:00

There will be setbacks.

There will be critics.

There will be raised hopes that are crushed, and expectations that are never fulfilled.

There will be difficult stretches.

There will be high hurdles.

There will be a lot of waiting. A whole lot.

There will be blows to your pride.

There will be attacks on your person.

There will be rejections, and more rejections, and even more rejections.

There will be people who don't think you can do it.

There will be people who don't think you should be doing it.

There will be hundreds of things that will make you consider quitting.

Don't get bitter.

Get better.

Write more. Improve your craft. Learn the business.

Make success your only option.

Take joy in the good things that happen, and grow stronger from the bad things.

No one likes a whiner.

Everyone loves a winner.

Be a winner.

Get better.

Brain Donors

2009-07-16T08:14:00.003-05:00

Maybe it's just me, but I've noticed a lot of really stupid behavior lately.

Here are some of the dumbass characters I've recently run into on the World Wide Web.

THE ONE STAR WHORE - Some folks go on certain review sites and feel the need to bash stories with one-star reviews. Why? I can only deduce some over-inflated sense of self-importance that compels a percentage of the population to see their diatribes on the internets, sort of the equivalent of a giant refrigerator door. Look what I did, Mom! I'm a negative prick!

JOE'S RESPONSE - Negative reviews amuse me. I don't complain about them, or try to have them removed, because I believe rational people can come to their own conclusions about whether or not to read something, and aren't influenced by poorly-worded hate-fests. I particularly love the reviews from people who got the book for free and then feel the need to warn folks against ruining their lives by making the same mistake they did and reading the offending material. I bet your family can't stand you.

THE SPOILING CRITIC - Getting professional reviews is important to writers, and it comes with the territory that a certain amount of them will be negative. But some asshole critics think their job isn't to rehash and rate, but also to spoil major plot points in the book.

JOE'S RESPONSE - Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, critique. Those who can't critique well, spoil. How frustrated a person do you have to be to want to ruin someone else's potential enjoyment? Perhaps we should ask the folks at Kirkus that very question.

THE CONTEST MOANER - I was recently a contest judge, and some folks took exception to my list of "don'ts" I recently blogged about. They feel I'm not fair.

JOE'S RESPONSE - Don't enter contests. If your story is good enough, find an editor who will pay for it. But guess what? If you do the things I mentioned not to do, you won't find an editor. Also, someone is knocking on your door. It's Life, and he's holding a big sign that says "I'm Not Fair." Maybe you should let him in and get to know him.

THE WOE IS ME AUTHOR - We all know the publishing industry drops books and series all the time. They have a myriad of reasons for doing this, many of them impenetrable. But whining about this in public, no matter how much it stings, is asking for sympathy, which is pathetic.

JOE'S RESPONSE - You do not get future book contracts through sympathy. Yes, the publishing industry is often unfair, and sometimes downright idiotic. But airing your dirty laundry isn't the way to fight back. Fight back with great writing. We all get kicked. But we don't have to acknowledge it. After sincerity, the thing all people must learn to fake is confidence.

THE ENTITLEMENT JUNKIE - These folks seem to think they deserve some sort of success, and like to spout the Conspiracy Against Them and publicly wonder why they aren't getting what they're due.

JOE'S RESPONSE - No one deserves anything. There is only luck and hard work. Once you feel you're due something, or that people are keeping you from getting yours, you're on a slippery slope that usually ends in obscurity.

THE GREEN FAIRY - Envy is a disease. It's easy to look at other writers and compare yourself to something they possess; money, fame, awards, print runs, bestsellerdom, talent. It's also easy to take pot shots at these writers, while secretly (or not so secretly) wishing you were them.

JOE'S RESPONSE - Your race is with yourself, not with your peers. Never compare yourself to another writer for any reason whatsoever. Once you start wishing for someone else's career, you aren't tending to your own.

THE ME ME ME - The definition of a bore is someone who talks and doesn't bother to notice if anyone else is in the room. Writers may be more self-absorbed than most, but they shouldn't mistake this for being so fascinating that every other word they speak is "I."

JOE'S RESPONSE - If you're in a conversation and more than half of it is coming from your mouth, it isn't a conversation--it's a monologue. If you're in a conversation and the only questions you ask are directed at yourself, I pity the poor saps stuck in your orbit. At least have the decency to pass out cyanide capsules when you walk into the room.

THE INSULTER - Nothing says "I'm pathetic" like name-calling. Yet some folks feel the need to hurl insults, and direct criticism toward the person rather than the comment. This, like many of the above, is a result of the Internet, which buffers accountability. As such, some folks feel it is okay to be rude little twits, because they're protected from being socked in the mouth.

JOE'S RESPONSE - If you wouldn't say it to a person's face, don't say it on the net. Ideas and opinions are a lot of fun to discuss, defend, and attack. But once it becomes personal, you've lost control, and lost the discussion, you asshole.

THE SELF-PUBBED MARTYR - There's nothing wrong with self-pubbing. But the majority of the writers in the world won't equate it with traditional publishing, for too many reasons to be discussed here. If you want the respect of your peers, it isn't going to be by logically presenting your points and calmly discussing why their views are irrational, any more than intelligent discourse saved anyone on the Trail of Tears. And bemoaning your lack of respect in the publishing world is just a rally for more people to attack you.

JOE'S RESPONSE - If you want the respect of your peers, get a traditional publishing contract. Personally, I think peer respect is useless, and trying to join a club that doesn't want you is futile. Stop trying to convince the world you're relevant. The world will ultimately figure that out for itself.

THE KNOW IT ALL BLOGGER - This guy spouts advice and opinions like he's God's Gift to the World, guising his superiority under the banner of "being helpful."

JOE'S RESPONSE - Thank this man profusely, and buy all of his books. The latest is CHERRY BOMB, now on sale...

Cherry Bomb by JA Konrath

2009-07-07T07:56:00.008-05:00

NEW BOOK NOW AVAILABLE

My sixth Jack Daniels book, CHERRY BOMB, is available today in hardcover.

I encourage everyone to buy several copies. If you have any money left over, pick up ABANDON by Blake Crouch (the co-writer of SERIAL), which also comes out today and kicks absolute ass. If you like my books, you'll love this.

BOOKLAUNCH PARTY

If you want to meet me in person, and also meet authors Henry Perez and Jeff Strand, my booklaunch party is at:

CENTURIES AND SLEUTHS BOOKSTORE, July 12, 2pm-4:30pm, 7419 W. Madison St. Forest Park, IL.

Feel free to bring people along. All of my books will be for sale, and the beer is free. You don't think I'd have a booklaunch without free beer, do you?

PODCASTS

If you want to kick back and listen to me talk shop and crack wise, I've recently been on two podcasts.

You can hear me and Blake talk about SERIAL, CHERRY BOMB, ABANDON, and many other things on Diabolical Radio at www.blogtalkradio.com/diabolicalradio.

Then, if you want to hear me really get silly, check out the podcast at www.Genrefinity.net. You should bookmark Genrefinity--it's a fun site run by some crazy guys who love everything genre. The podcast is at www.genrefinity.net/genrefinity_podcast-ep013.mp3.

NEW EBOOK

Finally, for those who missed my previous announcement, I wrote a horrific thriller novella with Jack Kilborn called TRUCK STOP. It's available exclusively as an ebook, and features Jack Daniels.

Which brings me to a question I'm often asked. "Joe, can you list every Jack Daniels story?"

THE JACK DANIELS UNIVERSE

WHISKEY SOUR - Book #1, Jack chases The Gingerbread Man. Available in hardcover, paperback, ebook, and audiobook. 2004.

BLOODY MARY - Book #2, Jack chases a rogue cop. Available in hardcover, paperback, ebook, and audiobook. 2005.

RUSTY NAIL - Book #3, Jack chases The Gingerbread Man's family. Available in hardcover, paperback, ebook, and audiobook. 2006.

DIRTY MARTINI - Book #4, Jack chases The Chemist. Available in hardcover, paperback, ebook, and audiobook. 2007.

FUZZY NAVEL - Book #5, Jack chases the Urban Hunting Club and Alex Kork. Available in hardcover, paperback, ebook, and audiobook. 2008.

CHERRY BOMB - Book #6, Jack chases Alex Kork. Available in hardcover, paperback, ebook, and audiobook. 2009.

THE LIST - Jack makes a cameo in this technothriller novel. Available on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2009.

SHOT OF TEQUILA - Jack co-stars in this crime novel, which takers place in the early 1990s. Available on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2009.

ON THE ROCKS - Jack in a locked room mystery short. Originally appeared in Ellery Queen. Available in my short story collection 55 Proof on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2004.

WHELP WANTED - Jack's ex-partner, Harry McGlade, acting like Harry. Originally appeared in Futures Magazine. Available in my short story collection 55 Proof on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2004.

STREET MUSIC - Jack's criminal buddy, Phineas Troutt. Originally appeared in Ellery Queen. Available in my short story collection 55 Proof on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2004.

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY - A Gingerbread Man short story. Originally read by me at the end of the Whiskey Sour audiobook. Available in my short story collection 55 Proof on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2004.

WITH A TWIST - Jack in a locked room mystery short. Originally appeared in Ellery Queen. Available in my short story collection 55 Proof on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2005.

EPITAPH - Phin in a revenge tale. Originally appeared in THRILLER edited by James Patterson. Available in my short story collection 55 Proof on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2006.

TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS - Harry being Harry. Originally appeared in The Strand Magazine. Available in my short story collection 55 Proof on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2005.

BODY SHOTS - Jack in a school shooting. Originally appeared on Amazon Shorts. Available in my short story collection 55 Proof on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2005.

SUFFER - Phin as a hired killer. Originally appeared in Ellery Queen. Available in my short story collection 55 Proof on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2005.

OVERPROOF - Jack Daniels and a suicide bomber. Originally appeared in CHICAGO BLUES edited by Libby Fischer Hellmann. Available in my short story collection 55 Proof on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2007.

BEREAVEMENT - Phin making ends meet. Originally appeared in THESE GUNS FOR HIRE edited by JA Konrath. Available in my short story collection 55 Proof on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2005.

POT SHOT - Jack partner, Herb. Originally appeared on Amazon Shorts. Available in my short story collection 55 Proof on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2004.

LAST REQUEST - Phin on a quest. Originally appeared in my short story collection 55 Proof. Available on my website, Scribd.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2007.

SUCKERS - Harry, teaming up with Jeff Strand's Andrew Mayhem. Originally appeared as a limited edition hardcover. Available on my website and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2007.

FLOATERS - Jack, teaming up with Henry Perez's Alex Chapa. Originally appeared in MISSING edited by Amy Allesio. Available on my website and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2009.

PLANTER'S PUNCH - Jack, teaming up with Tom Schreck's Duffy Dombrowski. Originally appeared on Kindle. Available on my website and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2009.

TRUCK STOP - Jack facing Taylor (from AFRAID) and Donaldson (from SERIAL). Originally appeared on Kindle. Available on my website, SmashWords.com, and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2009.

SCHOOL DAZE - Harry being Harry. Coming July 24 in UNCAGE ME, edited by Jen Jordan. 2009.

THE NECRO FILE - A Harry novella. The funniest thing I've ever written. Originally appeared in LIKE A CHINESE TATTOO edited by Bill Breedlove. Available in my short story collection 55 Proof on my website and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2008.

SHAKEN - Jack Daniels book #7, currently being written. You can check out the first few chapters in the FLOATERS ebook. Available on my website and Amazon.com on the Kindle. 2009.

That comes to twenty-seven stories in the Jack Daniels universe, plus a work in progress. Also, in CHERRY BOMB, there's a cameo by one of my characters from my medical thriller DISTURB, along with a cameo by one of the characters from THE LIST.

Let's have some Q & A.

Q: Do these have to be read in order?

A: No. Though FUZZY NAVEL should be read before CHERRY BOMB for maximum enjoyment. The shorts can be read in any order at all.

Q: When does TRUCK STOP take place?

A: Before AFRAID, SERIAL, and FUZZY NAVEL.

Q: What's your favorite novel?

A: I don't have one. But I'm really fond of CHERRY BOMB. I think it epitomizes the kind of book I write.

Q: Which is?

A: Breakneck pace, lots of conflict, scary scenes, and bad jokes. Plus, if you haven't heard, CHERRY BOMB has a lot of sex in it.

Q: What's your favorite short story?

A: STREET MUSIC. I love the last line.

Q: Will you revisit Jack Daniels?

A: Absolutely. I'm working on another Jack book, called SHAKEN. But it isn't one of my priorities.

Q: I want more Jack!

A: That's not a question. But trust me--Jack will be around for a while...

Truck Stop by Jack Kilborn & J.A. Konrath

2009-07-05T15:34:00.006-05:00

As of this writing, SERIAL by Blake Crouch & Jack Kilborn has been downloaded over 70,000 times. The majority of these have been on the Amazon Kindle.

Of course, SERIAL is free, which helps. But it's still gratifying to know that our little short story has been read (and in some cases, hated) by so many people.

Naturally, I've been thinking about how I could follow this up.

Regular blog readers know I've been doing pretty well selling my old short stories and unpublished novels on Kindle. But I've never actually written anything specifically for the Kindle.

Until now.

Jack Kilborn and I got together and did a prequel to SERIAL. Not only does it feature one of SERIAL's bad guys, it also features Taylor, one of the Red Ops from Kilborn's horror novel AFRAID.

I wracked my brain trying to figure out a good protagonist to throw into this nest of vipers, and came up with the obvious.

Jack Daniels.

The novella is called TRUCK STOP.

Before the events of Jack Kilborn's epic horror novel AFRAID...

Before the events of J.A. Konrath's critically acclaimed thrillers FUZZY NAVEL and CHERRY BOMB...

Before the events of Jack Kilborn's and Blake Crouch's #1 Amazon Kindle bestseller SERIAL...

Three hunters of humans meet for the ultimate showdown at the TRUCK STOP.

Taylor is a recreational killer, with dozens of gristly murders under his belt. He pulls into a busy Wisconsin truck stop at midnight, trolling for the next to die.

Chicago Homicide cop Jacqueline "Jack" Daniels is a long way from home, driving to meet her boyfriend for a well-earned vacation. She pulls into the truck stop for a quick cup of coffee and stumbles into her worst nightmare.

Jack's no stranger to dealing with psychos, but she's got her hands full trying to stop Taylor. Especially since he's getting help from someone just as deadly; a portly serial maniac named Donaldson...

TRUCK STOP is a 15,000 word thriller novella that ties together Konrath's and Kilborn's works, with terrifying results.

A prequel to SERIAL, which has been downloaded more than 70,000 times, TRUCK STOP is an eighteen-wheeled ride straight into hell. Not for the faint of heart. Let the reader beware.

This ebook also includes an exclusive interview: JA Konrath talks with Jack Kilborn, plus excerpts from their latest books, CHERRY BOMB and AFRAID.

Here's the Kindle link: http://www.amazon.com/Truck-Stop-Psycho-Thriller-ebook/dp/B002G99RRK

I'm really curious how this will sell, because Kilborn has been doing better than Konrath on Kindle. I'm also interested to see if this does anything for my backlist of Kindle books.

If you don't have a Kindle, and want to download it as a pdf (or many other formats), I also uploaded it to Smashwords.com.

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/2743

I'll keep everyone posted. In the meantime, feel free to spread the word...

How Not To Write A Story

2009-07-04T19:50:00.002-05:00

This is a repost of a blog I did last year, because once again I'm judging a short story contest, and once again I'm ready to fling myself off a cliff.

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In the spirit of full disclosure, I'm in a bad mood. For the past few days I've been wading through hundreds of short stories. I'm a paid judge for a big contest, and my verdicts are due.

This bad mood has been brought about by seeing the same story mistakes, over and over and over and OVER AND OVER...

So, for the benefit of the newbie writing world, and to save me future pain if I ever judge a contest again, please take the following to heart:

DO NOT START A STORY WITH WEATHER
Yes, you can work weather into the scene. But I don't care that it was sixty-five degrees on a spring morning, and if you make that your first sentence you're going to remain unpublished.

DO NOT START A STORY WITH CHARACTER DESCRIPTION
Your protag may be named Bob McTestes, and he was born in Sunnydale, Ohio in 1967, but you need to work that into the body of the story and not make it the first sentence. Better yet, don't work it in anywhere.

DO NOT START A STORY BY ADDRESSING THE READER
"You'll never believe what happened on July 2, 1943." You're right. I won't believe it, because I just stopped reading.

DO NOT START A STORY WITH PREMONITION
"Phil Assmaster didn't know he was going to die that day." But Joe Konrath knows you're not going to win this contest.

DO NOT START A STORY WITH THE PROTAG WAKING UP
Frankly, it shocked me how many stories began like this. More so than any other way I'm warning against. Opening your eyes because you had a bad dream or heard a strange noise is a quick way to put the reader to sleep.

DO NOT START A STORY WITH CLICHES
Once upon a time. A long time ago. This is a true story. Ugh. Next time, save me the trouble and put the story in your own recycle bin.

DO NOT START A STORY WITH SETTING DESCRIPTION
"Moronville, Ohio was a town of 8371 people originally founded in 1872 by Quakers." Hopefully, one of those Quakers has a gun and will shoot me.

DO NOT START A STORY WITH TELLING
"Josh felt terrible." Really? How am I supposed to picture that? Maybe I picture Josh's stomach aching, his head throbbing, and the hole where his heart is supposed to be. If I'm picturing that, perhaps you should have as well and written it that way.

DO NOT START A STORY WITH ANY DESCRIPTION
I don't care if you're describing a person, place, thing, era, or whatever. I want to read about conflict, not helper words.

DO NOT USE HELPER WORDS
Force yourself to pare away every adverb, and half your adjectives. Also kill any speaker attribution other than "said" and "asked."

DO NOT START A STORY WITH A PROLOGUE
Your short story doesn't need a prologue. Your novel probably doesn't either.

DO NOT USE EXCLAMATION POINTS!
Especially a bunch of them!!!!!!!

DO NOT USE THE SAME FARUQING WORD TWICE IN THE SAME FARUQING PARAGRAPH
Get the faruquing point?

GRAMMER AND SPELING SHOULD BE PREFECT
If you don't care, why should I? Ditto annoying dialect spelling. Y'all get a-ight wit dat sheet, 'kay?

And finally:

DO NOT MAKE YOUR MAIN CHARACTER AN ANIMAL
Ever.

Are there exceptions to these rules? Of course. There are always exceptions. But I didn't see any in the 2000+ stories I had to endure.

Also, for the love of all that is good, use 12 point Arial, Courier, or Times New Roman, double space the text, one inch margins, and indent each paragraph but don't add extra spaces in between them. One staple, in the upper lefthand corner.

Rant over. Ignore at your own peril. Now I'm going to go have some bourbon and scour my eyes and brain with steel wool.

And if you want an example of what I've had to endure, here's another blog entry I did on this subject:

http://jakonrath.blogspot.com/2008/01/bad-stories.html

Are You There, Amazon? It's Me, JA

2009-07-01T09:08:00.008-05:00

An open letter to Jeff Bezos and Amazon.

I want to tell you why I haven't bought a Kindle yet.

I'm still considering it, because I made about $3000 in June selling my unpublished novels and published short stories on the Kindle. Three grand is a nice chunk of change, and it will be interesting to see if those numbers stay strong through oncoming months.

But even with this success, I can't bring myself to buy a Kindle.

Here are the five main things preventing my purchase:

1. Cost. A Kindle is simply too much money, especially compared to other electronic gadgets that do more. While I'm sure manufacturing costs are high, all costs reduce with time, and if I were Amazon I'd spend a lot of time and money figuring out how to get the price down so more people buy Kindles.

2. Most of the books on Amazon are too much as well. This is the publisher's fault, because they set the price. So perhaps Amazon should stop dealing with publishers and start dealing directly with authors. Mr. Bezos, if you want an exclusive JA Konrath title, contact me.

2. DRM. When I buy a book, I want to own a book and do whatever I want with it, and copy-protection makes that impossible. Again, this is publishers doing this, not Amazon, but it is preventing me from buying Amazon's Kindle.

3. Format. There are too many ebooks available on the net for cheap or free that aren't compatible with Kindle formats. The Kindle DX reads pdf, which is terrific, but it costs a hundred bucks more than the Kindle 2. Give me this feature for less, and I'm sold.

4. Unitasking. A mini-laptop costs the same, is only a bit larger, and can do a billion things. As of right now, the Kindle is limited in what it can do. It does what it does very well, but people like their gadgets to have cross-purposes.

Unfortunately, Amazon hasn't released a Kindle app for PCs, and I have no idea why. The laptop minis are perfect for reading because they are so portable.

But Kindle has released an app for the iPhone and iPod Touch. My son recently got an iPod Touch, and I played with it for a few days.

Wow.

I love this gadget. Reading on it is ridiculously easy, not only using the Kindle app, but using other readers like Stanza (also owned by Amazon.) Many books also have their own app, including my novella SERIAL, which doesn't require a reader--you simply download the free ebook and the reader is included.

I had no problems curling up with the iPod for an extended reading session, and enjoyed the experience. While I don't believe this is going to be the de facto way of reading ebooks in the future, for the time being it's a nice placeholder.

So what will the breakout ebook reader be like? Mr. Bezos, take note.

1. Under $150, and available at retail outlets like Wal-mart and Best Buy.

2. Wireless Internet capabilities for downloading books.

3. Able to read many different ebook formats, with no DRM.

4. Adjustable font size, type, and contrast.

5. A built in light.

6. Color no-glare e-ink.

7. Upgradable memory and operating system.

8. Long battery life, scratch proof, and water proof (or at least with skins available to make it waterproof.)

9. E-Book 2.0 capabilities.

What is E-book 2.0? And why aren't more people thinking about it?

Here are my Criswell predictions for E-book 2.0:

The books will be interactive, the words clickable on a touch screen. You click on the word "lugubrious" and it gives you a dictionary definition, or the word "Taj Mahal" and it shows you a jpg picture.
Ebooks will have extra content, such as author annotation, first drafts, deleted chapters, extra short stories, interviews, essays.
The ebook version and audio version will be packaged together.
There will be options for ambient sounds while reading, as well as music.
Ebooks will be upgradable, meaning the author can continue to add DLC (downloadable content, which is hugely popular in videogames) to books. A reader can buy the first part of a chapbook, then automatically get each new chapter as the author finishes it.
Ebooks will link to book-specific forums, where readers can review the book and share thoughts and interact with other readers.
The touch screen will be signable, so authors can autograph their books (much like signing the electronic screen on a credit card machine.)

Will these things come to pass? Honestly, I think they will. Playing with the iPod Touch, seeing the unlimited potential of a handheld electronic device, there is no reason why books shouldn't go the same route movies have gone, getting deluxe DVD editions with extra Rom content. It will be interesting to see what the future holds.

In the meantime, I'm going to be reading on my son's iPod, waiting for the Amazon Kindle to catch up...

Should You Self-Publish?

2009-06-25T08:40:00.008-05:00

I've been getting a lot of emails from people wondering if they should self-publish, specifically on the Amazon Kindle.

My answer is always the same: It depends.

Here is my advice, based on what I would do.

IF YOU WROTE A NOVEL

I believe your first order of business is getting a well-respected literary agent. The best way to land an agent is: write a damn good book. After the book is perfect, there are a few ways to find agents.

Visit writing conferences and conventions and pitch to agents in person
Read books similar to yours, and find out who reps the author
Pick up a copy of the Writer's Market
Visit www.aar-online.org
Befriend an agented author and beg for an introduction

After getting an agent, she'll want to submit the book to editors at large New York publishing houses. If you get lucky, you'll land a book contract. This is the best-case scenario.

Exception: You Can't Get an Agent

Getting a good agent isn't easy, which is why you should spend as much time as possible honing your craft, improving your writing, learning about narrative structure and the elements of a compelling story. I got rejected over 500 times, but the vast majority of these rejections were for books that were not very good.

Should you self-publish if you can't find an agent? I would say no. If a hundred lit agents all think the book needs work, I'd bet the book needs work, and releasing it into the world isn't going to win you fans or do your career any favors.

Exception: Your Agent Can't Sell the Book

If you landed a lit agent, chances are your story is good enough to be published. But just because something is good enough to be published doesn't mean it will be published. This is a hard business, and luck plays a huge part.

If your agent has sent the book to everyone, and no one made an offer, I would say that e-book self-publishing is a viable alternative.

I would avoid print self-pubbing if you some day want a traditional book deal, because numbers follow you. If you get an ISBN, that number is trackable, and so are the sales associated with it. A potential publisher will look at your previous low sales and possibly pass on your next book.

Exception: You Don't Care About Agents or Traditional Publishers

It's important to talk about goals and dreams here.

A goal is something within your power to achieve.

A dream is something that requires other people for you to achieve.

If your dream is to be a bestselling author, your goals should be:

Write a damn good book
Submit to agents until you find one to work with
Keep writing good books until your agent sells one

However, if your goal is to see your name in print and you're okay with investing your own money and doing three times the work for very little respect:

Write a damn good book
Self-publish it

In the past, I never recommended self-publishing because in 99% of the cases the books are overpriced and inferior (poor covers, poor editing, poor writing), distribution is very hard (no returns on POD), and chances are high you won't sell many books that you didn't personally handsell.

But things have changed.

The Amazon Kindle and Amazon's CreateSpace, along with printers like Lulu.com, allow you to self-publish without investing a lot of your own money.

THIS IS NOT THE QUICK PATH TO FAME AND FORTUNE

Your Kindle release, or your POD book, will likely get lost in a sea of millions, making it very hard for readers to find you. If you have an understanding of how publishing, distribution, and marketing works, then maybe you can sell some books and do well. But if you're clueless, YOUR BOOK WILL NOT SELL.

Simple as that.

Personally, I wouldn't self-publish a novel unless you already have a name for yourself. If you've been traditionally published and have a fan base, if you're a celebrity, if you do a lot of speaking engagements and can sell your books after your speeches, or if you already have an audience, then you've got a better chance at selling some books.

IF YOU WROTE A NOVELLA

We'll define novella as a narrative between 7,000 and 50,000 words. In other words, too long for a short story, too short for a novel, meaning it's very difficult to find a traditional print market willing to buy it.

The rules for novellas are the same as the rules for novels, but disregard finding an agent. Agents don't care about novellas, unless they're so good you can beef them up to novel-size.

I believe novellas are where e-book self-publishing really has an advantage over print. A 15,000 word book doesn't cost much less than a 70,000 word book to produce, so it has to be priced comparably, and people don't want to pay full price for something so short. But in a digital world, you can lower the price of shorter work.

Personally, I see no harm at all in e-publishing a novella on your website (use Paypal.com if you want to charge for it), on Scribd.com, or on Kindle. Worst case-scenario: It doesn't sell at all, but you weren't going to sell it anyway. Best case scenario: It sells well, you make some money and also learn a lot.

I would restrict this to e-publishing because of the costs associated with print. Print novellas cost too much, and they don't sell as well as full length novels.

IF YOU WROTE A SHORT STORY

While the print short story market is dwindling, I believe it is still the preferred medium for shorts.

Writing and submitting short stories to magazines, anthologies, and websites, forces writers to understand the basics of publishing. There is a learning curve in crafting a story, researching markets, and writing query letters. I think all writers can benefit from this.

I also recommend NEVER writing a short story unless you already have a market in mind. Would you create a key without studying the lock first? No. Same rule applies.

If you do sell a short story, I recommend waiting for at least a year after publication before you offer the story on your website or on Kindle. Your contract may say you have e-rights, or that you have permission to publish sooner, but I think it's nice to let the editor who paid you have an exclusive for 12 months.

Once of the reasons I began putting shorts on my website was because fans were having trouble tracking down out of print magazines and anthologies I'd appeared in. E-publishing makes it easy for people to read your entire oeuvre, and the reprint market (editors who buy previously published stories) is now smaller than ever. Years ago, you could sell the same story multiple times. I've published over 70 stories and articles, and less than a handful have actually been reprinted. Unless you're a big enough name that your publisher will release a short story collection (usually at a loss), then feel free to e-publish your old print stories.

Exception: Your Short Story Didn't Sell

Once you've exhausted all of your markets, there's no shame in e-publishing it. Unless you've already got a fan base, I'd recommend putting the short on your website as a free download. But MAKE SURE IT IS GOOD.

Your best advertising for your writing is your writing. If people try you and don't like you, this is the opposite of finding fans.

Again, I'd avoid self-publishing short stories in print. Even if you gather up enough of them to make a full length book, they don't sell as well as novels. Period.

But I see no harm in e-publishing. I'd price them low (or free) and group them together so it is a more appealing download.

IF YOU WROTE NON-FICTION

See the If You Wrote a Novel section above, but there are a few differences.

You don't normally submit non-fiction books to agents or publishers. You submit a proposal, which isn't the full book. If you can't find an agent or a publisher based on a proposal, I would question if you should even bother to write the book in the first place.

Look at your goals and dreams. Maybe you've got a memoir that you want your family to have copies of. Maybe you wrote a cookbook for your friends who are always asking for your recipes. Maybe you get paid good money to speak on some topic you're an expert on, and selling a book after your speeches is a smart add-on.

If you have a need other than vanity, maybe you should write the book, and should self-publish it.

I self-published an e-book about writing which I give away for free, because my goal is to share what I've learned about this business. So far it's been downloaded over 6000 times, and I get just as much fanmail about it as I do from my novels. For me, this was well worth my time and effort, and it satisfies me on a core level even more than money does.

CONCLUSION

There are no short cuts, no easy paths to success, no matter how you publish. You're going to wind up marketing, promoting, and working hard whatever you decide.

Traditional publishing has the advantages of big money and a huge distribution network, though you might not get either even if you are traditionally published.

Self-publishing is an alternative, but at the time of this writing it still lacks in too many areas compared to trad pubbing, except in some circumstances.

Your job is to figure out what it is you want, and then decide on the best way to get it.

Should you self-publish? It depends.

But first focus on making your writing the best it can be.