tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11290727.post-63890185274117427062008-05-03T20:19:00.002-05:002008-05-03T21:16:57.909-05:00I was hanging out today with a friend from work. We've been watching "West Wing" for months now, watching every episode of every season on DVD; we're about halfway through the 6th season. We used to get together at her place once a week for the marathon and for dinner; now, since I moved to Framingham, we're averaging one WW session every two weeks.<br /><br />After eating an early lunch at an Indian place near my apartment, I headed down to her place (in Boston) this afternoon. When I got there, she asked me if I wanted to have lunch. I said no, explained that I'd had a early lunch, and so on. We watched a few episodes of WW, then we took a break to grab some caffeinated beverages at a nearby drug store. On the way back, she pointed out to a hot dog/sandwich cafe across the street and asked if I wanted to grab some hot dogs. At this point, two thoughts should have occurred to me, though only one did. The first is that my friend obviously wanted to get something to eat; this is the one that did occur to me. The second is that I should've just said, "Let's get something for you, because I've already eaten." Instead, I agreed to hot dogs and I, like her, ate two hot dogs even though I wasn't hungry.<br /><br />I turned this over in my head for a while this evening, both while I was still at her house watching West Wing and while I was driving home. I ate not because I was hungry, and especially not because I needed to eat, but rather to play along with the wants of another. There's nothing wrong with playing along with the wants of another; that's the nature of any positive relationship, be it friendship or romantic. But... shit, I'm having trouble phrasing this because my mind is fighting against it. I can tell I have internal resistance to writing about this because I'm starting to exhibit the symptoms of avoidance/distraction by feeling a lot of itches that require scratching, by feeling the overwhelming desire to do something like play Playstation or masturbating... these are all things that happen when my conscious mind moves into territory that my subconscious would rather remain off limits.<br /><br />So allow me to follow a meandering path, which mimics the natural flow of my mind far more than any organized phrasing could. I was watching "Super Size Me" last night, and it got me thinking about my own eating habits. I've become more aware lately of how it's getting more difficult to lose weight via exercising and diet than it used to be; these are the things that come when you phase out of your 20's and into your 30's. I've been aware of this academically for some time but have never really applied to myself in any day-to-day sense of awareness. Since I moved to my new apartment and away from the temptation of my favorite Irish pub and sushi joint, I've been eating out less and, more significantly, drinking less (though the increase in exercise has yet to manifest itself).<br /><br />After this slow build up of an increased awareness in health (that I was totally unaware of) "Super Size Me" stoked the embers into a fire and I started thinking a lot more about the things I eat and how much I eat. I do not have very healthy eating habits, and haven't for a long time. One of the worst parts of my eating habits is my overeating, a lot of which is caused by depression. However, and this is something that I'm just coming to realize now, a lot of it is also caused by peer pressure, by going along with things that other people want to do. I drink and eat because others want to, not because I necessarily want to. This was especially true for my old roommates, one in particular I used to go drinking with on an almost daily basis. That's not to say that I didn't want to drink; a lot of times I did want to. But there were plenty of times when I didn't want to, but because I'm so bad of saying, "No, I don't want to do that; let's do this," I just always went along with what other people wanted to do.<br /><br />I think this is one of the reasons I ended up retreating from my old roommates and spending a lot of time in my room - because I couldn't say "No," I just distanced myself so completely that people stopped asking me the questions.<br /><br />This is one of those topics that I wish I could wrap up with a neat morale or a lesson learned, but the fact of the matter is that a few hours after eating the hot dogs, my friend offered to make pasta for dinner. I was slightly hungry, and agreed. She cooked and we ate. Then she got up for seconds and I, with the lesson of the hot dogs fresh in my mind and feeling no hunger, asked for seconds instinctively, because she was getting them for herself.Jack Burdennoreply@blogger.com