tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11290727.post-47546813539675426092008-06-12T17:29:00.002-05:002008-06-12T18:05:58.956-05:00My mind has already notified me that this would be one of those posts that's really hard to write, for one reason or the other, so for the sake of actually producing a post, I'm just going to squeeze this one out like a reluctant turd before the beginning of a road trip.<br /><br />I was on a teleconference today at work and the head of the department re-assigned a task I had in my hand to someone else because he wanted to make sure it was moving forward (more or less his words). I was just playing baseball on Playstation and the mental picture of the moment just popped into my head. I hadn't thought about what had just happened, that I'd just experienced a public vote of no-confidence.<br /><br />I always forget how much it sucks when a big punch of anxiety hits you and everything tightens up. And I also always forget to cut down on my caffeine level, which adds some blue to the flame.<br /><br />I'm not good at my job, at least not lately. I can't focus on anything at work for longer than 10-15 minutes, and that's probably the highlight of my productivity.<br /><br />I can mentally circle this any way I want, but what it comes down to is that I don't like my job. This is not a secret to me, but for a long time I've counseled myself with the idea that this type of experience/attitude is like a placeholder for when the real thought comes along, that I'd figure out what I want to do with my job as part and parcel of a larger enlightenment that would be my reward for mentally getting my shit together.<br /><br />And while I'm a big fan of perspective-shifting thought processes, especially the Big Bang ones, they're not something to be waited for. So why is it that I just can't concentrate at work? I don't like the job, yes, right, no secret there. But there's a difference between not liking one's work and getting the job done, and not liking the work and being so possessed of distaste and resentment that you cruise through everything on minimal effort, to the point when other people start to take notice.<br /><br /><br />I have ADD, but that can't be used as an excuse because I got it under control when I was at college and got good grades.<br /><br />Is it the emotion stirred up by therapy? This is entirely possible, and has been suggested by others. I haven't really put a lot of thought into it, mostly because I just now started seriously turning it over in my mind.<br /><br />There's probably no absolute truth, no clear lines dividing Factor A and Factor B. But I need to figure out at as much of it as I can; these struggles at work have been building up for a long time and I have to deal with them and determine how much of it is actually a struggle and how much of it is actually me just imagining a struggle.<br /><br />For example, I just emailed a friend of mine who was on the call and asked if he thought it meant anything that my work had been re-assigned and my friend emailed me back asking, "Were you at the meeting? He asked for someone to take ownership and there was a long silence before your co-worker spoke up and volunteered."Jack Burdennoreply@blogger.com