I Love Formatting My Comp

I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.

2009-07-13T22:35:00.001-04:00

News publishers here're some points to be noted..

1. For the last few weeks I've got "breaking news" about Endeavour's launch being delayed. The first day it was interesting, the second 'again?' and the third day it was like, alrighty enough. This is the 18th straight day you have updated my google news page with yet another delay about the launch. Here's the tip, we (your readers) will assume it is delayed indefinitely, till you actually update us telling us otherwise. Deal?

2. Its recession time, people lose jobs and everyone is aware of it. People[me included] are bugged reading yet another "well researched" report on why the stocks are tumbling, and how savings are becoming half.

3. Lets face it, bing is another search engine, yay. 400 reports on your site to tell me how bing is taking share away from google and yahoo just show you are on M$'s payroll. Henceforth, I refuse to google using bing.

4. I am not sure how you classify "Technology", but getting this [Cats Use "Irresistible" Purr-Whine to Get Their Way] news link in my technology RSS feed shows me either you are desperate to get whiny readers who own pussies or you need to fire your software engineer. Hey this way you can save the mandatory layoff money.

5. Less than 100 people are affected by swine flu, deal with it. If you aren't aware, more people have aids, some 100,000 times more. And more have cardiac problems. Keep things in perspective.

6. Before you advise me on stocks, whether to buy/long or sell/put, please disclose your/your company assets and stock holdings. A few pieces I've read have asked me to buy "hot" stocks. Many of which were smaller holdings of your parent company. Caught you.

7. Enough with the iPhone articles already. It's been 3 years already, and you people are still obsessing over "copy and paste". And wait, the compass. I have an iPhone and I haven't had one decent phone cal since. Portable hand held touch screen computer, yes, cell phone, no!

8. Twitter is stupid. And it isn't news (definitely not worthy of my 2 minutes to see and delete the link on my RSS feed) when a new celebrity starts twittering.

9. Stop obsessing over privacy issues, this is the 10th article this week about how my privacy is compromised if I eventually use Chrome OS. If you are that paranoid that google with use your browsing habits to take over the world, then please, google using bing. I rather see relevant ads than those that want to increase my "size".

10. Alright, enough with the teachers with students bit, that was so 2007. Jeez.

It’s not cheating unless you get caught.

2009-03-02T03:05:00.001-05:00

I cheat. I was born that way, and I don't think there is any game that I cannot cheat in. It doesn't matter whether I am winning or losing, nor does it matter who I am playing against. Cheating is an art, it's skillful. After every game I do tell my opponents what I did and the look of amazement on their faces is my victory.

And no, I am not your average cheater, I set the bar high. Real high. For instance, if anyone had to cheat in a game of Pictionary what would they do? Common folk tend to whisper the answers to their teammates when no one is looking, or make some hand gestures to support their drawing. Not me. I take it two levels up.

Imaging this, I pick up a card, it's a very difficult word and you think neither can I draw it, nor can my team guess it. I start drawing some nonsense on the sheet and in 15 seconds flat my teammate has the answer. No words were spoken as you were keeping a strict eye on me and my mouth. So how exactly did I do it? Stay tuned…

Here's a few simple techniques to cheat at most games.

Most games have a sand clock to keep the time, well, after extensive research on the subject, I have concluded that keeping the sand clock on a flat surface will maximize the rate of flow, thereby giving the opponent the least time. Shaking, rotating and other movements will give them added time. So G.W how exactly do I cheat with the sand clock. Simple, before half the sand has fallen just rotate the sand clock. Thereby making time elapsed the new time left, hence robbing your opponents of valuable time.

The next technique requires an equally skilled cheater teammate. You need prior preparation, if you can't find a skilled cheater, then marry someone and train them properly. Marriage in this is important as you don't want your skills to go to the opponent team. Very rarely will your friends make you and your wife in different teams. All you need is code language for common things, for alphabets you can cough. For numbers you can sneeze. Once you coughed, a series of actions can determine the code word. Blinking (number of blinks), hand movements, times when you look up, look down etc etc can all mean something. You and your partner need to remember this. My code is this, cough-lookup-blinks gives alphabet in order. And cough-lookdown-blinks give alphabets in reverse order.
Now, if it's a game where you cannot talk, or a game where you cannot say particular words and there is no way you can complete it legally, cough, look up and do your thing. Though this technique was not developed for board games and was originally meant for mathematics and physics exams, but well we all adapt.

If there is a huge group playing a game and they have to guess something, and there's a lot of noise(due to random guessing by everyone). To win, simply announce(loudly) that [insert name here] said [insert word to be guessed] which is the correct word. 98% (not a made up figure) of the time [inserted name from above] will never confess that he did not say [that word]. For the 2% of the time, don't invite [inserted name] again. If [inserted name] is the host, make sure you are in the opposite team.

Trying to move your pieces in front in any board game is simple. But it is also the stupidest thing you can ever do. Opponents keep track of your progress like baby kangaroos on ice cream (Hey! I am a science major. Analogies aren't my thing). But what no one will argue with is you moving back a step or two. So if moving back can help you become a doctor in the game of life, and earn you children every time you pass the mating line. So be it. Not to mention finishing snake and ladders in 10 dice throws flat(didn't I mention I was a born cheater?).

I have never solved a Rubik's cube in my life. Not the way it was intended to be anyway. Though there are algorithms and tricks to solve it quick. I find my way to be the best. Break it apart and put it piece by piece in place.

There are so many tricks to cheat in card games that I can't do justice to them all by mentioning only a few here. But since I am not playing with you guys, I'll tell you what you should all be capable of. Pattern shuffling, Card deck memorization, Illegal dealings and so on.

Letting your opponents win: If you are so good at cheating that you can never lose, then no one would like to play with you. This is not good. So let others win too..

The best cheaters often have many tricks up their sleeves. A friend of mine was so good that he used to get scrabble alphabets from home and had them stored in his many pockets. Vowels in the left, high point letters in the right. Identifying such people is tricky, unless you start noticing two 'Z's and two 'X's on the board. Once you realize it, work hard to keep such people on your team. If that doesn't work, insist a strip search before playing. Hey what's a little nudity between friends?

But this is for amateurs; pro's like me use their strengths to better my game. For instance, once this certain someone was found keeping high point letters in his shirt pocket, all I needed to do was aim and drop a duplicate 'i' (don't you hate when you have 3-4 of them with you) into his shirt pocket and insist you threw a 'z' to keep him from [insert action here]. There's no way anyone will confess having additional alphabets, so the Z is all yours. Just in time for 'JAZY'.

As far as how I guessed the word, well, if you studied in a class where talking/texting was not permitted, then all you had was your cell in your pocket, communicating with the outside world with text messages typed with one hand while looking at the teacher..

If all the students who slept through lectures were laid end to end, they'd all be a lot more comfortable.

2008-12-22T23:37:00.008-05:00

There comes a time in every grad student’s life; that they look back and wonder if they should have started their thesis a few months back. This more often than not happens during the few months before they hope to graduate. And this gentleman and ladies is my story.

There are many signs that you better get up from your lazy ass and start working before you get kicked out, or worse, lose your job offers because you can’t graduate. Well, since I have suffered already, I will save you all future agony of realizing things too late.

Just follow my point-guide system. (if you read cosmopolitan way too often for your gender, you'd know what to do). For those who don't, all you need to do is select an answer and then later sum up the number within brackets and read the section below the questions for interpretations.

- How good is your social life?

- You can differentiate between Saturday and Tuesday just by looking out of your lab window (-4)

- You talk to the occasional opposite-sex person (0)

- You tell them about your progress in your thesis (-1)

- All local bouncers know your last name (+6)

- Can you play any musical instrument?

- I designed one with a FPGA board, I can sorta play that (-8)

- I know this person, who can play guitar (0)

- I play 6 instruments, and sometimes with red bull, all at once. (+7)

- Do you know what the bell curve of grading is?

- I am too busy submitting assignments and writing research proposals to care about that (-5)

- I know what a bell is, and i also know what a curve is. Hence by rule of mathematical deductions, i know what a bell curve is (+2)

- You kidding? I plot them on excel daily, to see the inverse slope and my standings in the class.(0)

- Describe your School newspaper

- We have one? (-3)

- Sorta in black and white (0)

- Describe? I design it weekly, I am the chief editor and the best reporter they have. (+5)

- Have you travelled much?

- Well, yeah, I find my way well to Starbucks and my lab. (-2)

- Yup, few places close by, during fall and spring breaks. (0)

- I have been to more cities here than my total number of credit hours (+5)

- What do you do for exercise?

- Yeah, the occasional basketball to keep fit. (0)

- Well, i run around trying to find my advisor. (-4)

- Wii-fit for body, PSP for hands, guitar hero for abs, wii tennis for arms. (+5)

- What websites do you visit frequently?

- Weather ones, just to check if its too cold to walk back home. (-2)

- Just my emails, to see if my advisor has mailed (0)

- rentacoder .com to see if someone has placed a bid on my thesis project. (+5)

- How good is your cooking?

- I can boil water (-2)

- I love take away food (0)

- When my mom came to visit, she had tears of joy in her eyes to learn that I cook better than her (+10)

Ok, now that you have answered all questions, let me give you an easy way to interpret these results.

If your total is less than 0.
   - You have way too much time reading stupid articles online, you need to concentrate on your thesis.

If your total is 0.
  - This could be your total marks if you continue taking lame tests online.

If your total is greater than 0.
  - It's a wonder you took enough time to take this test, the same effort and time on your thesis will ensure you graduate.

As for me,

If your total is equal to 45 points.

- You need to stop writing weird tests on your blog and get back to the real world and start working on your thesis.

There are two tragedies in life, neither one is love.

2008-11-06T03:44:00.005-05:00

He wakes up in the hospital after a long night; unconscious, breathless, with tubes and needles covering him. He wakes up not knowing what happened, not knowing what lies in store for him. All he can see is her beautiful face, all he can feel is the warmth of her touch. His life ended the previous night, but a new one started this very day. A one starting with her and he only has her to thank for it.

I am not a good writer, so I’ll just steal lines from great ones. George Bernard Shaw once said “There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.”

I had a tragedy, I had what I wanted and was going to lose it, in a matter of a breath; it’s absence. We all think about our final day in this world, what people would say about us. What they would feel after we’re gone. Would it matter to anyone? How many people have you touched on this planet, how many have you moved? Who touched you?

It’s funny how you remember the most silliest of things, and in a strange way, I guess that’s what matters. The way the cute girl from your fourth grade shared her lunch with you after the bullies put sand in yours or the way you find that secret letter written to you by the nerdy boy you like who didn’t have the courage to give it to you.

Life is full of surprises, some good and many you could live without: but that’s what life is, a rollercoaster you ride just once, never know what’s around that corner, but you are over excited and screaming to see and feel it. Sometimes you do get sick, sick of the ride and tired of that uneasiness in your stomach; and you just want to get off. But the truth is, you started this ride with many people on board and you are going to get off with them, together, like it or not. And that’s what keeps many going I guess, the fact that we are all in this together.

He holds her close, looks deep in her eyes filled with tears. He wants to say he’ll be there for her no matter what, no matter how nauseating the ride makes them. They paid for it, they are going to finish it together, with each other. He just stays quiet, looks deeper into her eyes, holds her hands and continue this rollercoaster ride…

If I would have ever got a chance to talk to George Bernard Shaw, I would correct him and tell him, the two real tragedies in life are people giving up on their hearts desires and people not knowing them.

I’m not a great writer, I just copy lines...

There are two tragedies in life, one is not knowing your hearts desires and the other is giving up on them.
G.

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

2008-09-25T15:53:00.010-04:00

People often ask me (ok, maybe not “often”) what I think the secret of life is. My reply as usual is in a short two word sentence, “Who cares”.

After a stern look they reply ‘I care’ and I’m back putting on my thinking cap wondering what they want to hear from me.

They generally ask when a boyfriend becomes an ex, or the expiry date on the milk carton shows that of last week. Expecting somehow, that I have been the chosen one to carry the secret of life along and that I am ready to share the secret with their ~~dumped ass~~ confused soul.

And here I was with my recent kiss with death (hmmm, smooch sounds more like it..) asking the same questions to myself. What is the secret of life?

Well, as the status message on my chat client reads ‘don’t worry about life, you’d be lucky to get out of it alive’ (ok, i lied again, i don't have cheezy status messages like that. All my status msgs are pimped to send viewers to my new websites) , I suppose that’s the bottom life, relax, take it easy and you’ll do just fine. Guess don’t let work affect your personal life comes a close second in the secret of life. A close second only to, at least have a personal life.

Till recently I was always worried about money and I soon realized, remembering the age old song, we’ve come to this world empty handed and we are gonna leave that way.

Donald Trump might beg to differ being buried with a $10,000 Armani suit and a Rolex watch and a few hundred dollar bills in each hand. But I suppose he’s smart enough to remember Egyptians and grave robbers. If he doesn’t, well, show me where he’s resting in peace.

In the end, just remember, there is no secret to life, it becomes just what you plan to make of it. Though more often than not, that plan does not work out, but I won’t go into that now, there are a million self help books out there.

But people are not willing to believe that there’s no secret so in order to keep them satisfied with answers, I just repeat, taking a line from peanuts.

The secret to life is owning a convertible and a lake.

When it rains you are pissed that you can’t drive the car, but hey at least your lake is filling up. And when the sun is out shining brightly and drying your lake up, you see the silver lining and take your convertible out for a spin…

Hell was full i guess, so they sent me back..

2008-07-09T11:07:00.001-04:00

Prologue:
"I am sorry to put you through this", "I really am".. saying these last few words, i collapsed on the the floor next to the Toyota rental vehicle.

Holidaying in Florida over the July 4th weekend, one would barely expect to die..
but if you are that allergic to prawns as i am, well, that is a harsh reality.. After a blast of a weekend parasailing, clubbing, playing Frisbee in the sea the last sunday, we went to a casino.. having never been to one, i was excited as a child on his first camping trip.. or a women's first love.
The casino was exciting, blackjack, roulette, poker. you name it, i lost money there..After a few hours on the floor, we were hungry and went to grab a bite. I ordered a chicken fried rice and general Tso's chicken from an Asian restaurant at the food court. After eating half i felt uneasy, i saw a prawn piece or two on the plate and then it struck me, they had given me prawn fried rice instead. Knowing what happens to me when i eat prawns, i started walking to the car, my condition becoming from bad to worse. My lungs swollen and wind pipe shut i couldn't breathe. I reached my car and my inhaler didn't seem to work.after over 40 puffs from it, my condition didn't improve a bit. I gave a friend the thumbs up to call for help. The feeling i had was the same as one would get if they held their breath for over 5 min, with no oxygen in my body, i felt faint, they say your life flashes in front of you the last moments you are alive, for me it just did that. Few moments long forgotten came back me me, i managed a smile to have lived a fuller life up till then. But i couldn't believe i wasn't in control at that moment. I felt sorry for what i was putting my friends through and what they had to go through after i was gone. I lost consciousness.
Still on the phone with 911 my friends were trying to direct they cops our exact location in the parking lot. I could barely hear what was going on, but i remember hearing stuff like open the back, switch on the light. Figuring out they couldn't find us in the huge parking lot, somehow in the lapse of any reasoning, not able to convey anything, i put my head on the car horn, And i don't remember anything since then.
What i gather from people around me was the cops were there a good one minute after i was unconscious, and they put me to the floor and a couple of minute later the ambulance was here. My friends had given the exact problem over the phone with the female on the other side of the 911 call. They intubated me (put a tube down my throat, so that the blockage could be bypassed) and i was on artificial breathing whole night. I don't remember anything, but i can only imagine what people around me had to go through, seeing my hands tied to the bed a pipe through my mouth and no way to know if i would get up or have any permanent brain damage.
All i remember the next day was some one shouting out my name, telling me this would hurt just a little bit, when they removed that respirator from inside me, luckily for everyone around me, i started breathing normally, all i could muster asking was "where am i" and "how long was i here". The answers reminded me of the harsh reality of last night.
Having being so used to medications from India for my condition, i wasn't responding to any of the treatment they had in US. My heart kept going into Tacky each time they gave me the breathing medicines. I was fine from that morning. But trial and errors with the medicines were scaring me. And every doctor asking me if my family had heart issues wasn't helping any cause either.
She stood by me, for hours and hours, taking care of me, doing whats needed, i am only so grateful, cant even begin to tell her. From calling 911 to calling a nurse everytime my heart rate jumped above 165.
It was one hell of a night i guess for everyone. Lucky for me, i don't remember much. for those who remember, i guess, thanks doesn't begin to express my gratitude. From a phone call to an ambulance next to me taking 10 min, i suppose this system works, remind me next time not to crib about the taxes i pay here. Most of it ends in good hands.

Epilogue
Got discharged directly from the ICU on Tuesday, having being classified as a flight risk (cabin pressure might collapse my lungs) i am still stuck in Florida, but somehow the paper masala dosa i had yesterday, tasted like the best paper masala dosa out there...
I wonder if life will be any different now, apart from being extra extra careful about what goes into my mouth. Guess not everyone gets a second chance.

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.

2008-04-26T23:45:00.003-04:00

Have been doing a lot of travelling lately, so its only fair that i write about it.And since lists are so popular nowadays, not to mention the space they take up because of tabbed bullet points, here goes one.

Top ten things that tell you that your flight is going to be a horrible one.

- You are allowed 2 bags of 23 Kgs each and you end with with 3 bags of 30
Kgs each.
- Your carry on baggage is heavier than you - you are 6.3
and the distance between the seats is 1 feet.
- The on board
entertainment system attached to your seat has malfunctioned and is stuck on a
language you dont understand.
- And on a channel you dont wanna see.
The channel was the on board information system. I mean who care if
you are flying sooo high and the temperature outside is soo low...
- Of
the 15 cute people on-board to serve you, you get served by the 16th.

- Your travel agent messed up and you end up eating a low fat - diet
meal. Basically a lettuce leaf with grated carrots.
- You plan great
things on your four hour stop over at Paris airport including getting lost at
their thousands of terminals and shops and having some good looking french
people help you out. You get off at terminal 17E and
your next flight takes off from 17F.
- You land and try to act really
suspicious so you could be strip-searched, adding a great article for your new
book. Custom officials done even look up to see you, inspite of you checking yes
on the 'Live Animals/insects?' box on the immigration form.
- Your connecting
flight is delayed because of bad weather( or a quick search for insects on-board
) and all the TV sets in the terminal are tuned to the weather channel. Thank
you, but I can see outside!!
- Your friends coax you into buying insurance
for lost baggage, and quote the increase in chances because of three bags and
multi-country destinations/transfers. Hoping for a quick thousand or two
(dollars) you anticipate few bags less at the baggage collection. First three
bags that come out are yours, red in color and tagged by your dads unique
ribbons ( which btw, every Indian dad had the idea before their sons/daughters
left for the land of opportunities )

Yeah Okay! I know thats 11 points, you can imagine the flight I had. Anyway, the drama didn't end there, try balancing three huge bags on a small luggage cart carrying a heavy backpack and a lonely planet USA book.

Some Study, Some Have Fun But People Like Me Are Born To Annoy The Hell Out Of Others.

2008-03-20T19:36:00.001-04:00

Having come all the way to this far off land, having spent all of the money parents hoped to spend after retirement feeding the greedy funding-less professors and having wasted enough time in the lab doing research work for some moron who wouldn't add my name to the paper he is publishing based on my work I felt it was time to give some back to the society. And the easiest target was the Teaching Assistant of my Programming course.

These guys get paid like 12$ an hour, how would I know? I quit as a T.A before. Anyhow, if they were getting 12$ to grade my assignment, I sure as hell am not going to make it easy for them.

So I present to the world wide audience ( or the 2 people who actually read my webpage ) ,
Top Ten Ways To Really Piss Off Your Teaching Assistant.

10 . Write your code, then delete all enters and non required white spaces. Send the entire assignment in 1 huge line.

9. Write proper comments, in fact copy paste 90% of the man page( it's the help page ) of the function into the comments for each and every function you write. In fact write comments for braces, whitespaces and so on. Make sure you include the following comments as well.
\\ This is the start of the assignment, I am almost ready to write code. So here I go.

\\ This is the end of my program, and this is the last word I would type. Damn.

8. Write functions for every operation. And make sure you put them in a different file and include them in your main file. A simple program should consist of at least 50 submitted files each with their own .c .h and readme.txt files.

7. On graphical assignments, print screen the windows blue screen of death and make that appear every time the TA runs your program correcting and running properly after a few seconds ( you don't want to get Zero do you ). Extra fun/points if you assignments are Linux based.

6. Declare really really really really really really long variable and function names.

5. If your assignment is due at 11:59 Pm, then send it at 11:58 Pm and bombard the TA's mailbox with 70 mails saying, and I quote "Did ya get it". Keep repeating this and other mails like "I am wondering if you got my previous mails" or "since I haven't heard from you, I am assuming that you haven't gotten my mail, so find it attached".

4. Send print copies of code with no indentation and no supporting binaries, and if executables are compulsory make sure you burn them on a blue ray disk or 3inch floppy disks.

3. On text assignments, quote famous people in the IT industry as, "Steve Jobs defines Fork function call as the following.." or "Gates considers multithreading better than multi processes because". Go one up by quoting them from movies and incidences involving them.

2. Check online for various courses you have already taken in your undergrad, go sit in few of those classes, just send the TA a completed assignment without you being officially part of the class.

1. This is how you should go about writing your assignment, write a batch file which will create a shell script which will run a perl script which generates a c file which depending on your mood could be the program required by the assignment or if you are feeling evil could generate another shell script which generates a perl script……

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.

2008-01-05T06:12:00.000-05:00

Will you marry me?

Well, this bit is part fiction, part fantasy and a part based on a real life story. Any resemblance to anyone living or buried might not be as coincidental as you might think.

“AAAAggghhh” he screamed when she slapped him half across the floor. The marks of her tiny fingers making, what seemed to him, to be deep gorges on his unshaven face. He had never once been slapped before, let alone by someone he adored. He had been planning for this moment for a long time now, and had thought of every possible course of action, taken every step to ensure a perfect evening, and a perfect end to the evening. Pity, head gears wasn’t on his planned agenda.

He met her a few years ago at a bungee jumping event, he was the safety instructor and it was her first time. He still remembers how she trembled before she leaped off the edge, the only reason she did was ‘cause he said he’ll buy her a hot cup of coffee at Starbucks if she survived the fall. Well he was joking of course, anything to take her mind from the few hundred feet of free fall, there was no way he’d meet her again, the safety crew at the bottom would dust what’s left of the lifetime memory of her pants and he’d get back to promising hot beverages to the never ending line of people.
She screamed her lungs out, and then a breath later, once more. Finally, with her feet firmly secured to the ground, she swore never to let herself be tortured like this again.
“And the area code is 216” she said when he was attaching the safety harness to her yet again, and this time she jumped, life at stake, with a lunch and a coffee promise.

“Hey, dude” he said when he called one of his friends, “Of the four C’s for a diamond which one of them is Cost?”.
“Ha Ha, wait, are you serious?”
“Yeah, been thinking of this for a while now. So want to join me ring shopping”
“Absolutely, congrats man, she’s one lucky girl. Am so happy for you guys”
“ Thanks, I am so excited, now all we need to do is figure out the cut, the carats, the clarity and the color.”
“Dude, women are not shallow and don’t look for all that in a ring, for them it’s a constant reminder of their loved one, and his commitment to their love. It represents their belonging to someone and the emotional bond they share. It doubles as photo album storing memories of all the good times and the bad,
It is more about the promise you make of your journey together rather than your carats or cuts”
“Yeah Right!!” they said in unison as they decided a place and time for their shopping trip.

A million ideas from his close friends for that perfect proposal, he knew what she’d love most. A quiet evening at home, lying in his arms. She was never the outgoing person, very quiet and laidback. For her, life was this mystical thing, like the shadowed part of the crescent moon, she was content with the smallest of the smallest things. She never had a perfect day she could tell her grandkids, so he had to make this one big. Thus began the preparation for that one night, when the two became one.
He knew she’d always like to play some game after dinner before they watch a movie. He stole all the letters needed to spell ‘will you marry me’ in case she wanted to play scrabble, he modified the top chance and community chest cards to read out the same in case she was in the mood for monopoly and so he went on, altering all games they could possible play to suit his needs.
He made a cd for the player with a slideshow of their photos, right from the bungee jumping days till now, the funny comments about her hair, the remarks about her short height compared to his gigantic self. And ending the snaps with a perfect photoshopped image of them in wedding attires in an alter right besides the ocean and the caption reading his mind.
He’d been taking dancing lessons, so when his friend, the local RJ, played their song as a dedication to them both, and she looked at him with those eyes gleaming for him to take her to the middle of the living room and dance away, he wouldn’t have to say no like always.
He came back home early from work and set on what was left of his master plan; he cooked her favorite dishes, funny how the most common of the dishes was her favorite, he still had to email his mom for the recipe though. He set the table for two, the scented candles all ready to be lit. His friend just called and confirmed the song and a give-me-a-missed-call-when-she-says-yes notice; he planned to run a ‘Lovers Paradise’ section tonight on radio. He lit the candles to aromatize the room.
Then the doors opened, she was early, a man wrapped around her lips. She didn’t expect to see him there. ( What? You don’t like this? What did you expect from a story from someone like me?? Ok ok, ignore the last line then.. I’ll move on with my love story.. though it would be great if you would let me continue on the cheating bitch direction. Spoil Sport. )

She called him, said she was stuck at work. ( you still think she is cheating on him, don’t you. If it helps he’s hot, funny, tall, attractive, smart and rich with good hair. What’s wrong with you negative people?? How can you think this about this sweetheart of a girl? She’s like a kid, well, He does treat her like a kid, and in a way she is, she loved him way too much, so much that even a poem wouldn’t describe. )
She said she has to entertain a few clients at the restaurant by the lake and wouldn’t be home for dinner. He was crushed, all the planning for nothing, another day then.
She called him a sometime later, said it’s was an early dinner and wondered if he could pick her up. He was halfway there before she could finish asking him.
He stepped in the restaurant on the lakeside of Lake Erie, not a soul there, just a table near the window with a lit candle and a gift box. He read the card, it just said “Love You”. ( NO, she didn’t not leave him and run away, will you people STOP thinking about her like that, she’s an angel. She’s just waiting for him to open the gift. Come on who else books a whole restaurant for one dinner on a random night? )
She hugs him from behind; he almost decks her to the floor (Guys and their reflex actions). She wishes him a happy birthday, and he’s confused cause his birthday is more than a month away. “Yeah silly, I know” she replies. “but then it wont be a surprise will it?”.
“So, I guess I get two gifts then huh?” he says opening the gift.
After a more than perfect evening next to the lake with the fireplace keeping them warm and with its cracking sound every time there was silence in the room when they kissed, they drive home stuffed with food.
He opened the doors only remembering his master plan for the night; she sees the table set, radio running, with the candle halfway through its life.
“Never leave a fire unattended” screams her army upbringing.
“What about the thousand times you leave it in the bathroom so close to those shower curtains” he complains.
She asked why he didn’t tell her that he’d planned something too, he honestly said that he completely forgot with the sight of her and the vastness of waters next to him. She sits down, napkin on the lap,
“So waiter, what is tonight’s special”
“What?? You can’t possibly eat another bite. You ate more than a baby elephant at the restaurant”
“Don’t expect much tip Sir” she says as she serves herself the food laid out. “You are crazy you know, don’t complain when you wake up with a severe stomach problem tomorrow” he says smiling while warming the remainder of the food.
“Yes, your food does get my stomach upset a lot” she says giggling her favorite wine down her throat.

“So which movie are we watching tonight” she asks while settling down in the sofa. “How about Rush hour” he says while wondering about the wasted time altering the games. “How about titanic” she says.
They’ve probably watched that stupid movie like a thousand time. “No way, let compromise, how about Shrek”. Finally after a run down of last years top ten at the box office for all categories. She challenges him to a game of hangman, winner gets to pick.
So after half an hour of guessing ‘The Truman Show’ ‘ Forest Gump’ ‘Apocalypse now’ ‘Pretty Woman’.
He finally writes down this as he puts the cd on the player while she thinks. After all her chances and after the man was dead and hanging. She asked, ok, what is it?
He bends down, takes out that ring from his pocket, opens the box and says
“Will you marry me?”

He rubs his face and its red, he’s surprised. And in pain, he looks at her confused. His eyes asking why.
She replies “Firstly, for the fact that you even had to ask. Secondly, that confused look on your face after you asked, like the answer was anything but a hell yeah!. And last but not the least, that’s not even a movie, cheater!”
“So you want this or what” he teases her showing her that diamond. He puts it on her finger as she admires his photoshop skills. “We don’t need an expensive wedding now, you can use your skills to put our faces on celebrity wedding images” she kids while they hear his friends voice from the radio, “Tonight there’s a special moment here, I know this couple for a long long time now, well they are my best friends, both wanted me to dedicate a song for the other. Everything was set, they were supposed to give me a missed call when they wanted their song played. Funny part is, they both called it ‘their’ song, but both songs were different. Anyway, neither of those morons called me yet. She was surprising him for his birthday and he was proposing. So either the wuss backed out, or she said no which I don’t think is possible, or maybe they both are waiting for the other to show up for their surprise. Hey, I couldn’t ruin their surprises so I kept shut”.
“Wait till I tell him you slapped me” he cut in.
“Since I promised I’ll play these songs for them tonight, I’ll will keep that up and play them for the two love birds, hope you all enjoy them. Thanks for listening; I will see you same time tomorrow night. Until then, let love keep us alive.”
She looks at him, as Lionel Richie fills the room with ‘Stuck on you’, with those eyes again, he takes her to the middle of the room, holds her close and sings along in her ear as they danced to the tune. A moment later they are on the couch tongue tied as “their” second song plays on the airwaves ( frequency modulated ).
“ ‘Come a little closer’ is so not our song” he complains…
“It is now” she says with the ring gleaming on her fingers and as the candle melts its way down..
And as the song ends with the Dierks singing ‘Come a little closer baby, I feel like laying you down.’, she pulls his face away, looks deep into his eyes.
He knows she wants to say something, so he asks what.
With her piercing eyes still stuck on him, the candle just burning out, in the sudden darkness, she says “Honey, you do know that you aren’t supposed to use blanks for punctuations in hangman right?”

A mate She sought in He.

2007-12-05T15:17:00.000-05:00

I was chatting last night with someone who has a poetic strand in her DNA. Well she inspired me to explore my hidden talents.
So here's my attempt,

A mate She sought in He.

Two parts of stone, never meant to be,
Like bricks like clay, lay astrayed indeed.
Two hearts two souls, too much too soon,
Crushed to pieces, all set to doom.
One ring one touch, one hope she sought.
A parting letter was all she got.
She cried all night, and then all day.
Little she knew, he'd end up gay.

Oh, Come on!! Like you could have resisted that ending.

It's better to burn cut out, than to fade fall away..

2007-11-24T21:42:00.001-05:00

And it was that time of the month again, hair combing minutes featuring in the late 20's, spray's, gels, conditioners, shampoos taking most of my research allowance, a good snow day ending up looking like a bad case of dandruff. Measures have to be taken my friend, and a hair cut it was.

With my experiences as a civilized being ( inspite of what other seem to think ) i have taken the privilege of getting many a cut, and some might think that with this kind of experience i'd be good at it by now. We'll have to wait and find out.

Going to a trendy hair salon, trendy enough that they have a computer to store all customer details like preferred style I am asked if i have a booking. Being the in-the-moment kinda person, I just roll my eyes(almost) at the thought that I would need to make a reservation for a haircut, then remembering that my future look and any chance for holy matrimony would be determined by the next few moments of behavioral patterns, i change my eye-roll to a look up and wonder pose.

Lucky for me the person scheduled for 6pm didn't turn up, so in the chair, the stylist glances over the computer and says "The usual huh?".

People think i am way too predictable, like they think that when i say i'll be ready in 15 min, i actually take 45, or the way the cafeteria's chef starts making my order before i've placed it. So wanting to turn into a new leaf, i say something incoherent that sounded more or less like "surprise me!".

I then realized that 'surprise' is quite a relative term, while i might have meant, surprise me in the "Oh my god, wow" my-heart-skipped-a-beat way, i probably never bargained for "OH MY -beep- GOD, What the -beep-?, are you a -beeping- intern here?" heart-stopping way.

Anyway, after a lot of gel and some nice sprays i left, head held high.

Cause any lower and I could have gotten arrested for carrying an assault weapon, the spikes looked dangerous.

"And this is how Uncle G.W got the spikes" is what my friends would tell their kids, showing snaps. Naa, thats not happening, so before that nights party, i used two layers of gel and sprays to get the monster down.

Fact is a grad students budget for hair gel is far far lower than a hair salon's ( with computers to record hair style preferences ), and i obviously don't have to explain my smart readers about spring actions ( not smart? read appendix B ). So halfway through the party, the salons gel won.
Many a person complimented me on my shoes ( which incidentally went unnoticed for a week prior).
Guess we can attribute it to hair, it shifts focus to the farthest point possible.
Come to think of it, its not that bad, but still no, No pictures! Next time i'll stick to the 'usual', which in the stupid computer would now read SPIKES.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

2007-10-18T15:38:00.000-04:00

Okay, ages back when the sun was in its dwarf stage and the people were friendly and the food was good I did an experiment with the one tool i have which is properly insured, me.

To catch up if you missed the first part, click "Das Experiment".

Formula used ( umm, made up ) –

Accuracy value = No of correct questions answered correctly * 2.46 + 0.345

Time value = Actual time taken for 10 questions in minutes

Brain value = ( ( accuracy value ) / ( time value ) ) * 82.34

Brain power = (Brain value / Initial brain value ) taken on a scale of 10

Exceptions –

As a “normal” human, the body does need some minimum rest, so tabulate the hours slept, and subtract the value from total awake hours.

Graphs and plots –

Observations -

I spent over 4 days without sleep (well basically very little sleep) with more than 75% of accuracy levels than my initial start. It did go down in the middle ( day three ) but I did sleep longer then ( 3 hours ) and was back up to full potential.

Surprising how versatile the human body is.

So what did happen in those 90 odd hours without sleep ( <>

1. I stalled my car in the middle of the road and a motorist rammed into my car.

2. I paid 900 Rs to this guy I owed 853 rupees, he asked for 3 rs change, I said I didn’t have. But I did have a 50 Rs note, I gave him that and took 3 rs from him.

Honestly, I didn’t realize this till hours later in office, trust me, the weird looks he gave me also didn’t give me any clues.

3. I got lost near my house, inspite of living there for 2 years.

4. I was deciding whether to take a left turn into a parking lot or go on straight, and I couldn’t decide quickly enough, lets just say, that’s one hit and run case I want to forget fast. ( to be completely honest, that was a white car, and I barely scraped it, I mean compared to the scratch on my car the one on that car was nothing )

5. I bought my friends lunch ( expensive ) for no reason.

6. I hit a pole with my car.

7. I was genuinely worried for no apparent reason.

8. I made good friends with people on the night shift..

9. Amazingly no bugs at work during the experiment stages, come to think of it, I don’t know what I did.

90 odd hours awake, long lasting friendships, remarkable brain power... Apart from the three car accidents I had, and the experiment costs(in coffees, lunch and stupid calculations) going way above expected, I present you with the results…

Results –

I am smart, you probably aren't. Have a great day.

Oh and don’t try this at home.

And I haven’t touched my car ever since.

Don’t tell anyone this, it was my dad’s car, and he’s not in station. Yet another reason to write anonymously.

Golden Words

Proficiency at Pool depicts a wasted childhood.

2007-09-18T00:48:00.000-04:00

Or that’s what every one of my dad’s friends used to say to me when I used to beat them 5 frames in a row, I often wanted to say “Lucky for me, I was good when I was a child as well”… This generally used to make me think, elders are such sore losers. They just couldn’t take the fact that a kid beat them. Let alone clobber them left right and upside down. The only thing worse than losing to a kid is losing to a kid and tripping over the bottle of beer and ending up screaming ‘This isn’t over’ while the wife takes you away to the rest room to wash the bleeding nose.

“Maybe I can beat the brat at Chess” he says, “ I mean how smart can he be” .

“Would you just let it go, now look up else you will spoil your new shirt with blood stains”

You wouldn’t know how much fun it is beating a drunk at a game of chess. And little did he know that I was junior school champ at chess. Well it wasn’t a formal event, people just started calling me that when I beat my 7^th grade math teacher 3 times in a row. And she claimed to be a “State Champion”. Suddenly the day after the ‘defeat’ she took maternity leave. And although she was fat, I couldn’t have sworn she wasn’t pregnant.

More than the joy of winning is the fun at recollecting the excuses people come up with after losing to a kid,

“ I had something on my mind” “Hey, you cheated” “I wasn’t wearing my glasses” “No one makes money winning a stupid game of chess” “I couldn’t see the ball” “Its getting dark” “I think you should spend more time studying” “I let you win”

“hey” says the wife “how’s the game going, you guys done?”

“yes honey, can we have lunch yet, or are you going to nag us with your questions, what do you know about snooker anyway”

“Okay ok, I get it,” she says with a wink towards me “who lost? “

“Its me ok, I lost, happy, now bring out the damn grub”

“Its I” I corrected.

Big mistake, I stopped playing with ‘elders’ after one such conversation

I Love Formatting My Comp - The Book, is currently on hold till i get things straightened out and till more interesting things happen in my boring life.

Don't judge a book by its movie...

2007-03-28T12:50:00.000-04:00

I Love Formatting My Comp

The book, coming soon.. for more information visit www.iloveformattingmycomp.com

p.s - Updates on this blog will be discontinued till the book is out...

Golden Words - The Writer.
www.iloveformattingmycomp.com - The Book.
iloveformattingmycomp.blogspot.com - The Blog.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

2007-03-13T13:40:00.000-04:00

As usual, I was up to no good, too much free time and the devils workshop in action, I decided to conduct this experiment.
Since I didn’t want to waste any of my ‘hard’ earned money and buy expensive props for an experiment, I chose to run experiments on the one thing I ‘got’ for free,

The experiment began on a cold winter morning, come to think of it, it wasn’t that cold, but a warm summer day makes me picture nice beaches and the closest beach from where I am is about a nights’ journey away. And that is always a depressing thought.
The experiment is quite simple,

Thesis – I can stay awake for a long period of time with minimal sleep and low loss of mental power.

Requirements - A set of mathematical questions, a stop clock, Graph plotter loads of coffee and good company.

Assumptions –
1. I have an initial mental power.

Procedure –
1. Solve a set of 10 mathematical questions taken randomly from a pool of many questions. Note the exact time taken and the accuracy of the answers. Enter this data into the plotter ( I used a pirated version of offi¢e* )
* This is a low cost experiment remember?
2. Keep repeating this every two hours and tabulate the results.
3. Record unusual happenings during the experiment for further analysis.
4. Create a fictitious formula for calculations, as any experiment that doesn’t involve the use of your scientific calculator is, well, time wasted.
5. When brain power falls to 75% of initial power, stop the experiment.
6. Show off to your friends how long you can stay awake without having to sleep like general humans.

Part 2 ... coming soon. real soon....

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

2007-03-01T13:49:00.000-05:00

I don’t generally dedicate my posts to something/someone. But in the view of Oscar fever and the dedication cliché I am gonna do just that. For those who are planning to own a cell phone, or those who already do, or those who have my cell number. This post is for you.

As long as we are talking about cell phones, I bought a new one; it’s called the 2040i by Fly. I could put up images of the cell or provide you links of the specs but it will make u feel miserable about the cordless equipment you hold and call a Mobile. And being such a nice person I just can’t do that. But just so you have some mental picture, this is like the new I-Phone by Apple, only cheaper and lesser features.

Now back to the dedicated post, well I stopped(well reduced usage at least) using my cell phone lately, that means no ‘chatting’ , no ‘unnecessary calls’ and other things college kids do with their cells, you might ask me why, well I guess that’s the price you pay for maturity.

Unfortunately, people don’t seem to understand, so read the top 13 things not to do with your phone if you have my number on it! Yes, I said 13.

I have used “I” and “Me” in the points, but I guess most of the points are applicable to every cell user annoyed with the lack of etiquette of others when it comes to using a phone.

I wouldn’t go through the points like “keep your cell in silent when in public” and other points like these, cause you all are a bunch of morons and will never learn, and an article on the net won’t help either. So these are personal points related to me. While reading few points you might think, “OMG, G.W is talking about me”, well, No. Get real, I wouldn’t waste an entire point writing just about you.

13. Avoid sms lingo when messaging me, its not like I don’t understand, I am one of the pioneers of that language, but have grown since. Also very common short hands like gr8 are still ok, what is not ok is this “ I hd a gd tme in drgl, gt bk tda mrng, cl me whn u fre”

12. Avoid all forwards, I don’t mind the really really funny ones, but if its that funny, I probably would have read it elsewhere. Additionally don’t copy the “sms of the day” in the newspaper and send it, we all can read Bangalore times. Also avoid messages in other languages, I can read and understand many languages but I prefer English.

11. Messages like “you haven’t called in a long time” , “when will we speak next” , “you haven’t messaged me in such a long time” “where have you been all this while, no calls, no msgs” , “you don’t call me anymore” etc make you seem really needy, you don’t need friends but therapy.

10. Don’t send me messages like ‘good morning’ ‘good night’, if it has to be a good morning, it will be, with or without your message. Moreover sending a message at 3Am wishing me good night isn’t going to make me like you at all.

9. If you have sent me any variation of the following message
“Hi , xyz here, this is my new number…”
and you haven’t received any confirmation of any sorts from me, chances are, I don’t care about your new number. Remember this point when you change you number again.
p.s as an added thing, please refer points 10 and 11.

8. I eat when I want to, I drink when I want to, avoid messages like “had dinner?” or “had lunch?”.
Additionally for people really concerned with my eating habits, I don’t eat breakfast; I eat lunch at office at about 12, snacks at about 5:30 and dinner by 8. Memorize this, just for memory sake, let’s go through that again. Come on, repeat after me. No breakfast, lunch at 12, snacks at 5:30, dinner by 8.

7. I sleep at odd hours, avoid messages like “awake?”
If someone ‘had’ to know I was awake, they would already do so. Moreover, even if I ‘am’ awake, I generally don’t reply to such messages.

6. If you hadn’t received a reply for the “awake?” message immediately, I would generally return the message in the morning (courtesy sake). If you haven’t got any such messages, chances are I forgot/don’t care. Either way, when I meet/msg/talk to you next, don’t bring it up. It would lead to an uncomfortable situation.

5. If I call you and you have some weird caller tune which I don’t like, I WILL disconnect. If you love that song/tune so much, set it as you Ring tone, don’t bug your callers with that.

4. Don’t give missed calls expecting a call back, if you are that cheap/stingy I much rather not talk to you.

p.s this does not apply to students and other non-earning cell owners.

3. If you are partying and having a great time getting drunk, enjoy and live the moment, don’t call me trying to prove what a wonderful life you are leading or what a party animal you really are. Fact is I’ve been there, done that. And frankly I dislike the ‘wannabe’ kinds. You can’t act cool, you are born with it.

2. I have a modern cell phone and it has an answering machine on that, I use it to screen calls and avoid talking to people I don’t feel like at the moment. So when my voice on the cell says “Leave a message after the beep”, just leave a damn message.

Also once if you have called and left a message, and I haven’t gotten back to you, I am probably busy and have higher priorities in life. ( Yes remember, No breakfast, lunch at 12, snacks at 5:30, dinner by 8 ?? ) Don’t call back!

1. The cell phone is for my convenience and not yours; I didn’t buy a cell so that ‘you’ can reach me anytime of the day. As the tag line of iloveformattingmycomp goes, don’t say anything, if you can’t improve on the silence..

A bargain’s a bargain, no matter how expensive it is!

2006-11-18T23:40:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I had to go to Hyderabad ( This article comes to you from there by the way ) for some higher education stuff. My credit cards were cancelled ( or barred, whatever u call not paying the 40 grand I owed them ) and the new ones were just on their way. So anyway, kind dad was ready to shell for my air tickets from Bangalore to Hyderabad and back. He books me both ways on Spice Jet ( it’s a no frills flight ). He got a ‘great’ deal and was really happy about it.

“Great” turned out to be 2:45 Am on a cold winter night, or really really early in the morning if you prefer. There are many problems that can rise from traveling on such early flights.
1. No auto’s / cabs are willing to take you.
2. Everybody ( read as ‘mom’ ) who’s supposed to do your packing is already asleep.
3. There is no pick up at the destination.
4. Granny sleeps at night.

Since no one was ready to take me to the airport, I consulted dad’s help yet again.
His solution pretty simple, take the car, go to the airport.
Now, why didn’t I think of that? Only problem is they charge like 50 Rs per hour and 200 if the car’s parked overnight. So for a three day trip, any reason of buying those ‘cheap’ tickets is nullified.
Now that the option was withdrawn, alternative ways to reach the airport were being put forth on the table, by me and well wishers ( read ‘my sis’ ) who didn’t want to take me there themselves.
One point I strongly considered was taking the car to my friends house ( you know him as oxymoron, I don’t use the oxy bit ), and then walking to the airport which is a short 10 min walk from there ( or a really long 15 min walk if you carrying luggage and you are as lazy as me). Oxymoron offered to drop me at the airport in my car, but apparently he can’t park or drive. Later he offered to walk with me to the airport (initially I thought he was being really sweet, then I remembered the air hostesses), anyway he had an early morning picnic to attend so he couldn’t come either way.
As luck would have it, I found a taxi who was willing to take me to the airport, and the best part is, I didn’t have to sell any body parts so I could afford getting there. Thing about me is that luck doesn’t seem to stay with me for long. 1Am (1.45 min left for flight take off) taxi dude was lost, simple directions like come here, take the first left then right failed. So he parked his cab a few km’s from my house and I had to drive and fetch him.
Reached the airport in the nick of time (actually I reached quite comfortably, but if dad asks, I got there just before take off ).
Flight? Well bus on wheels should be more appropriate. After a turbulent flight without food I got to Hyderabad.
With my good luck charms back in Bangalore, I found that the pre-paid auto counter guy was sleeping, seeing his size I quickly judged that waking him up wasn’t a safe option. The only auto willing to come to my place said 'meter charges * 1.5' , sounded fair enough especially that early so I got on. The meter as I later found out was running (as my aunt put it ) “way too fast”.

In conclusion here’s the equation –

Total Money saved by dad because of the ‘great’ deal < Cab fare from Bangalore home to airport + Hyderabad airport to Granny’s place.

And if you think that is bad, imagine I still have to get back tomorrow night ( or day after really early in the morning if you prefer ).

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

2006-11-04T16:30:00.000-05:00

So, you know the latest fad doing the rounds here is Orkut. He asked me a rather confidential question.

What have I learnt from my previous relationships?
I pondered upon it for a while… don't you learn only from your mistakes.. is he implying that it was a mistake. It was, I thoroughly agree. But does he have to publicly proclaim the same fact. Anyhow, since boring history is learnt so as to prevent it from repeating itself, I guess my teachings or leanings if you prefer can be put into better use if I spread the word. Since there are so many "learnings", I will just list the top 10. I guess that should take you through your next learning process ( aka relationship ).

So what are the Top 10 things I learnt from my past ~~mistakes~~ relationships?

10. Guys don't get pregnant.

9. Especially not by holding hands.

8. If you forget a birthday or an anniversary and u are confronted with the fact, appropriate answers don't include the following
a) Big deal.
b) It is ??
c) Kidding me right?
d) Its been that long?
e) Ok, if you say so.
f) Does that mean I have to take you out?
g) Where's my gift?
h) Ok.
i) Oh, I knew it all along, I was just waiting to see if you remember.
-Doesn't work when it's their birthday.
- Especially not twice in a row.
- And never if they reminded you a few moments back.
j) That explains why you were hugging everyone else.
k) Can I borrow some money?
l) My reminders didn't go off.
m) Is it April Fools day again?
n) Stop bugging me.
o) Whatever you do, don't yawn.
p) Ok so you yawned, never follow it up with, I am so sleepy.

7. Comments to this disapproving observation " will you look at what she's wearing " do not necessarily include the following –
a) Wow.
b) Wow. ( with mouth open and tongue out )
c) Oh mama.
d) Don't you have a similar dress?

5. If you use terms like 'honey' , 'baby' , 'doll' , 'sweetheart' , 'sweety' , 'cutie' etc all the time, you might forget the actual name.
- You might want to avoid using the wrong names too.

4. If you are introducing them to your friends, appropriate 'introduction' lines shouldn't include –
a) This is the one I was taking about.
b) Hey remember, I told u about the new one?
c) This is so-n-so. I know I could have done better but..
d) Hey, this is… If you think this is bad, you should wait till it's bright.

3. If you are going to 'the better half's' place for the 'first' time, at least as far as the opponents parents are concerned, knowing the way around the house especially the exact route to the bedrooms isn't necessarily a good sign*.
*So whatever u do, if the mom is looking for a something you saw the last time you were there, do not, I repeat DO NOT volunteer to bring it for her.

2. Buy your own birth control. Don't use the hosts' parent's available methods( if you know what I mean ).. Also the round tablet with the label Aspirin on it, is indeed aspirin. It doesn't double up as anything else under any circumstances.

1. Pay attention to detail. Don't miss out on points.. Especially not the 6th one. That one was the best.

Be the flame, not the moth...

2006-10-10T14:08:00.000-04:00

Things don't always end up the way you planed or hoped, sometimes they are better then you could imagine.. but most of the times they suck.. (and if you were giving TOEFL, the question would be "whom did g.w refer to with 'they' ? " )

Everybody's looking for that something

One thing that makes it all complete

You'll find it in the strangest places

Places you never knew it could be...

Life generally takes a left turn right when you had them all, an awesome job, great friends you can call up at 3 in the morning saying you wanted to talk and they would talk right till sunrise, so called everlasting love, a happening life, everyone u loved happy.. and a very good dream…

Some find it in the faces of their children

Some find it in their lovers' eyes

Who can deny the joy it brings

When you find that special thing

You're flying without wings

Just when you wanted to take the straight road to the highway, you come across a red signal..You figure taking the free left turn you could save some valuable seconds.

How often do you wake up to a really loud alarm clock (that I ought to replace real soon) thinking what if you had not taken the left turn?

Some find it sharing in every morning

Some in their solitary lives

You'll find it in the works of others

A simple line can make you laugh or cry

If you believe in faith and destiny then how much are you willing to put on it (I am not that good a gambler if you didn't know already, ask me that some day, it's a really nice story ), how long are you willing to wait for something to happen?

Truth is you make your own destiny (and if you can cook, and your mom finds out, you make your own Maggie ), you chose your own path in life, no one forces you to take one route and leave the other, but whichever route you take, that becomes your destiny. Whatever happens your fate.

You'll find it in the deepest friendships

The kind you cherish all your lives

And when you know how much that means

You have found that special thing

You're flying without wings

Sometimes you think your dream was just a stupid child fantasy..

Then you realize the awesome job was the icing described by people who are tying to sell you a stone, the friends've gone abroad and it costs 20Rs per min to call them.. worst is you don't even get the synchronous sunrises. The love is over in a matter of 10 days, or was it love to start with? Happiness is just a show we put up isn't it, just to keep the ones around you not wondering what the hell is wrong with you. Are we that superficial that we have to smile even when we feel like crying?

It's the little things that only I know

Those are the things that make you mine, all mine

And it's the flying without wings

Some rock stars dying words ( by that I mean the suicide note ) were, its better to burn out than to fade away.. As for me, I am not sure which way I have to go..Right now, the wrong left turn left me in the middle of nowhere, in case you are there too, well can meet up at the coffee day counter ( they seem to have branches everywhere ).

You're the place my life begins

And you'll be where it ends

I'm flying without wings

And that's the joy it brings

I'm flying without wings

But one things for sure, I can't be the moth!!!!

You might not understand the post fully, you need to really know me to do that, and since you don't, well you cant. The song in italics is Flying Without Wings by Ruben S ( American Idol winner few years back )

They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass!

2006-08-29T04:36:00.000-04:00

Sitting at home in the summer, having cold coffee, starting at the hot sun from inside your air conditioned bedroom, bunking work and pitying your colleagues who are suffering at a stupid meeting which was scheduled for around this time sure beats being at work attending a stupid meeting with the ‘moron’ ( you should know him well by now ). But the problem being, I am not sitting at home, I am sleeping on my bed. I aint having cold coffee, but cough syrup instead, I don’t have air conditioning at home, and there aint any meeting planned for today!
Well just when you think the day couldn’t get ‘better’ you are reminded of the fact that you need to go study for an all important exam which encourages you to learn such words like “soliloquy” which is apparently pronounced as soh-lilo-quee and the meaning being something someone speaks to himself/herself in a drama. Now I don’t know about you, but I kinda survived my entire life (so far) of slightly over two decades without using words that end with the sound ‘quee’ , especially when you say the word with a pronunciation that ends with an exclamation. Queee!! .Ttrust me I have known mental patients that say stuff like that. Ok ok I don’t ‘know’ mental patients so to speak, but I surely know people who come darn close. And they don’t use words in the likes of quee..
Come on try it once, say ‘quee’ and end with a slight grin, come on, no one is watching.
See? Don’t you feel retarded?
Yeah I know what you are thinking, “you did it to retard..” well, at least I have heavy medication to blame, and it surely doesn’t help if u swallowed your nasal drops. Why cant people in the medical fraternity make medicines that taste a tad bit better.

Also with the advent of technology ( which in this article is limited to Microsoft word ) I wonder why people deem it necessary for me to increase my vocabulary which till now was limited to 5 characters or less words. I mean haven’t people heard of thesaurus?
For folks who haven’t watched the episode in friends where joey uses it to write a letter, let me demonstrate how simple it is.
Lets take a simple line from the above paragraphs,

“…bunking work and pitying your colleagues who are suffering at a stupid meeting which was scheduled for around this time sure beats being at work attending a stupid meeting with the…”

look how technology ( again, limited to Microsoft word ) can make me sound so much (more) intellectually superior than retards using Notepad.

“Missing employment along with the sorry feeling for your contemporaries who are distressed at an unintelligent conference which was programmed for approximately this instance no doubt beats being at work attending a dull summit with…”
That my friend is technology.

Ok, back to the main point, (whatever that was) no good can come off of reading 3000 words that one never gets to use in real life? I mean, which one of you have friends that go (on being asked how their day was) like “ It was breathtakingly astounding, I received a panegyric from my manager for my stupendous performance last month”.
This is how a basic conversation between me and my friends goes –
Me – Sup?
F1 – NM, U?
Me – Nm either.
For smarties who know the meaning of panegyric, ‘NM’ is the short for ‘nothing much’. And ‘sup’ is a fast way of saying ‘what’s up’.
I would embellish the various shades of meanings of panegyric for the readers, but I don’t see how it would help them in anyway. So I will refrain myself from doing so.

Well I guess they don’t read blog posts and won’t change the exam pattern, so I guess I better get back to studying long words which make me seem smarter, the only problem is I read about 50 odd words just an hour back, can’t seem to recollect any one of them.
Just realized ‘moron’ is on leave for the whole week. Damn! waste of a leave.. but I guess you gotta hand it to the ‘moron’, if it weren’t for people like him.. nobody else would have an above average IQ.

G.W certifies that no paragraphs apart from the one mentioned have been through the thesaurus process, and as such G.W or any affiliating members cannot be held responsible for the increase in vocabulary after reading the above mentioned article. G.W also would like to call you a stupid idiot to check if people actually read fine prints.

Do sick days include when you're sick of work?

2006-06-30T02:54:00.000-04:00

I figured sooner or later I’d be famous and someone would like to interview me, well if I am not famous, I figure I’ll be rich enough to buy a local newspaper and get interviewed. Worst case scenario I’ll bribe my way through to page 3. And if I don’t have enough money, considering I have two working kidneys and a lot of ready-to-sell body parts, I’ll find my way through.

Anyway, as one of my mottos goes "Always be prepared" so I am taking a mock interview of myself, not the technical types required for jobs ( though I should admit, I do excel at impressing prospective bosses with great fakes of my non existent amazing tech skills ), but a general interview.

The aim of this exercise is two fold
1 - To stick to my motto for the week - "Always be prepared".
2 - Get paid for writing. ( I am supposed to do my job, instead I chose to write this piece, and my employers have to pay me anyway.)

As part of my motto, and for the fact that my manager, we will call him 'moron' hereon, has been acting a lill bit too snoopy nowadays, this post comes to you from a machine running windows, accessing unix on server side, a nice VI editor ( which btw, I learnt basically for the purpose of this post ) (OK! sorry, I lied, I knew VI before itself, u are just acting like the 'moron', never trusting. sheesh, did I tell u I hate that guy? he's like the perfect example for the Dilbert principle. anyway wont go into that now, that’s a whole new post altogether.. we'll call him a 'moron' there as well. don’t ask me why 'moron' is in quotes. It just is. )

So we’ll start of easy and move on to more difficult questions.

Me-1 – Interviewer
Me-2 – Interviewee
Me-3 – Just in case a fight erupts between Me-1 and Me-2 .

Ok here goes,

Me-1 – We are gathered here today, to … wait a sec, this is my wedding opening line.. apologies. Lets try this again…
Me-1 – Ladies and Gentlemen , we have with us today Golden Words, a humor writer, an engineer, a great person ( coughs ), and the leading individual in frequent traffic miles. Welcome, pleasure having you here.
Me-2 – ( humbly, for the camera[if any] ) (*thinking* Duh! ) Its wonderful being here.
Me-1 – How does it feel to be the leading individual in frequent traffic miles?
Me-2 - It feels great, when you put so much effort into something, so many years of hard work, perseverance, its good to see something pay off like it did .
Me-1 – For our readers and viewers not aware of your journey, can you please put it in a nutshell?
Me-2 – It all started when I turned 16 and my parents bought me my first vehicle. It was a two wheeler. From there on there was no turning back, signal after signal, traffic jam after jam, day after day… there I was accumulating my traffic miles. And today as I sit here, I have no regrets for not taking the potholed filled easy way out, never jumping a signal even if there was no one in sight for miles. It’s a proud moment for all of us who suffer.
Me-1 – You had a bit of luck, being in the public’s eye, what do you say to the people suffering without getting noticed?
Me-2 – You are not good because you will get something out of it, you do it because you want to, it’s the same way, one shouldn’t think of the future and the consequences, they should just enjoy the journey.
Me-1 – You are very wise.
Me-2 – (Duh!) Thanks.
Me-1 – What about your personal life, you ever been in a serious relationship?
Me-2 – Aren’t all relationships serious? Friendship is a relationship, brother-sister is a relationship, parents-kids, work and you, everything is a relationship, you have to take all very seriously.. so yeah, I have been in a serious relationship.
Me-1 – What about your fittest finger award? Could you shed some light on that?
Me-2 – It all came with years of being around the most stupidest of all drivers/riders on the roads, plus having pathetic teachers all round, many of the people I knew had sad ‘better halves’ , working for the most incompetent person alive (or dead for that matter), so inadvertently one finger of mine got a lot of exercise. Which in turn led me to that award.
Me-1 – What about young people who want to follow in your footsteps?
Me-2 – I tell them just this thing, it takes large-number-of-muscles(google and fill in the number) to frown but less-number-of-muscles to give the finger. Moreover , its free.. it doesn’t cost you a cent.
Me-1 – We are almost out of time, tell us GW, What are your plans for the future.
Me-2 – We are all in the mercy of the lord ( and George W Bush for some unfortunate people living to my left* ) I’ll take what he gives. There is one award I am going to try out for. Most bad words in a minute.
Me1 – Really? That’s wonderful, who inspired you for such a feat.
Me2 – There’s this ‘moron’ we spoke about ( please note the quotes ). He’s a great inspiration. Everyday.
Me1 – It was really great talking to you, maybe we will speak soon. All the best for your future.
Me2 – Thanks. Pleasure is all mine.
Me3 – Hey hey hey?? What about my part?
Me1 – Who the f** are you?
Me3 – Scroll up and read you Arsehole.
Me2 – Arsehole? You British?
Me3 – No, I am planning to go there but, heard it’s a neat place, slightly expensive, sad food, but it’s a treat to the eyes.
Me1 – Whatever, times up fella, off you go.. security!
Me2 –Hey, they are taking me!! I am Me2 not Me3.
Me1 – Man you all look so similar..

* - Assuming you are facing the Himalayas
** - Short for fuck.

I doubt that’s how a ‘real’ interview would be.. moreover I can always show up on television claiming I was misquoted and that I love my ‘moron’. Pity I have only two kidneys. Any idea if anyone would be interested in buying clippings of nails? I seem to generate a lot of them.. Wish I did my majors in bio, I would know exactly what to sell without its absence affecting me, hey, is that why doctors are so rich?

Anyway a lot of time passed since I started off this journey for getting paid for writing. My stomach says its time for lunch. And that’s one meal I don’t miss. Well actually I don’t miss any meal. As a matter of fact I don’t think I have missed brunches, suppers or dinners either…

If you love someone so much just let go…

2006-04-25T13:43:00.000-04:00

And if she comes back, shoot the bitch!! It has been a long time since I’ve been here, so a quick update.
-I started thinking of relationships past my old one.. nothing could happen and nothing will, why one asks, hmmm something’s are better left untold I guess.. what I can say is , it wasn’t my fault ( not entirely at least )
-I have started thinking about alternative career options cause the ‘dream’ didn’t happen.
-I went on quite a few trips the last few weekends, fishing camps / gokarna-mangalore to name a few.
-Work place is hectic with unrealistic deadlines.. just the way I love it.. separates the men from the not so manly*
-*With such a large lapse in the times I spend writing, my quoting abilities have come down drastically..
-There is a cute opposite sex person who lives somewhere near my place.. haven’t spoken yet, don’t think I have the guts to speak to strangers.. its totally against the principles my parents embedded in me**.
-**I never listened to them before, why start now huh?
-Too many first dates have left my bank accounts as thin as a baby elephant’s trunk^!
-^my analogy skills haven’t improved either..
-Have got many ideas for new business ventures, but mostly all, actually all, involve me selling one of my kidneys in the grey market to get started^^.
-^^Its apparently illegal to sell it in the open when you are alive, how the hell am I supposed to sell body parts when I am dead? Hmmm maybe a website which pays you in advance for your body parts.
-Have got many (+1) business ideas, but some involve me in the non-living state.
-Everyone around me have their 5 year plans set and moving further, am the only one stuck right when I came out of college.
-Yeah yeah, good job, good friends, caring family.. tell that to the forbes-list-of-richest-people generating guys..
-Football fever has kicked in, funny part is, football season hasn’t even started, so I guess it’s just the fever that’s in.

Anyway, will be back around soon. Maybe a kidney less*, only time will tell.

*if you are filthy rich and about to die, and you wish to adopt a fully grown person. Contact me!

We are having EVER so much fun!

2006-03-05T05:52:00.000-05:00

The day started as any other would, I mean nothing can change a start of the day can it? The sun would rise, you will get some stupid ‘good morning’ forwards on your cell , the birds chirping away, the dogs barking.. But No, none of that happened today, I got up early… why in the heavens sake would I do that one would ask, especially on a Sunday.
Few hours down that line , and here we were, five sore butts, tired bodies, bruised bikes and a story that stays for ever.. Here is where I document it..

We just finished prash’s* birthday celebration , went to 100 ft restaurant and then coffee day, it was around 12:30 when we all said our goodbyes..Were supposed to meet at Carric’s* house at 6:30 the next day ( technically it’s the same day as it was past 12 ) , but as usual prash delayed, so we ended up meeting up only at 7Am . Carric had some bad news , the useless cops had punctured the tyres of all bikes for fear of theft, their reason, if we remove air from the vehicles the thief’s cannot steal your vehicle. I know, I know.. this is Indian cop situation for you, well so it was a long discussion whether to go or stay and watch a nice movie in the cozy comfort of the bed…
Prash n me being the lazy ones voted for the bed, well not the same bed so no assumptions please, the rest wanted to go .. so it was 3 votes agains 2 so we all met up at the puncture shop.. by the time we left there it around 8… So we headed, Destination Savan Durga..

After a long long ride, roughly 10 km on Bangalore roads, our stomachs had spoken, we stopped at a Shanthi Sagar for breakfast, we all ordered idly vada.. carric from morning wanted alcohol in his body, he went to search for a shop early morning… karthik* went with him.. pran*, prash n me ate our food waiting for the other two to return, n they had good news when they came back… many bags of chips, biscuits, Bacardi breezer, and beer..
So we ( 5 guys, 2 fiero’s , 2 pulsars ) fully filled with fuel started off yet again. Next stop, as carric put it was Savan durga. We got on the mysore road, that road is so so awesome, u can eat dinner off of it ( yeah that’s the correct spoken English wise guy ). So me and prash ( a fiero n a pulsar ) decided to drag, we came up on an empty stretch n came to a halt.. with two bikes with almost the same specifications and two riders equally good it would have been a good drag. So it started, we decided to do one km , who won? Well its really lucky that u cannot lap someone in a drag race.. Pulsar – 0 , Fiero – 1.
Thinking it was just luck and not sheer control and performance, prash figured 2nd time lucky, I even let him take a head start… well for those keeping scores Pulsar – 0 , Fiero – 2…
Took a turn just after a dental college, well the road went downhill from there ( in both sense ), and then weird noises started coming from my bike, two computer, two electrical and one electronic engineers deduced it was the chain causing the problem, well we carried on, luckily in the middle of a village we spotted a repair shop, got the necessary changes done, well I guess Fiero gets minus one for reliability.. a lill ahead we saw the Big banyan tree, if u ask me I think its just a hoax, they just look like a bunch of banyan trees growing close together.. anyway we decided to check it when we were returning..
So on the road yet again and karthik proclaimed ‘next stop savan durga’ , ok we stopped a few km later for a break to buy bananas and soft drinks.
We started yet again and traveling on the bumpy road wasn’t what one would call a smooth ride… then we saw the most beautiful lake we had seen in a long time.. forgot all about the stupid mountain, we all knew we had to stop there.. went down to the lake side, parked our bikes and three hours later we wondered how time flew… we talked about how dumb bush is.. we spoke about how amazing our lives are without women in them.. we spoke about what future holds for us.. we spoke about what we’ll be 5 years from now.. we concluded that carric would be married, rest were as confused as I am…
A couple of hours later, and a quick stop at the big banyan tree, where carric photographed some ‘graphic’ images of naked monkeys, we were back at Bangalore, went to another hotel cause we were all famished, ate loads of food, had lots of ice cream.. came back home.. tired.. bruised bodies.. bikes holding up just together… and yeah the memories.. we’ll do it next week for sure..

* some names n gender have been changed to protect privacy.

Its not a love letter

2006-02-23T13:13:00.000-05:00

Hey S,
Just wanted to say that I miss u too much… never thought it’d be so hard to move on…never knew I loved u so much… isn’t it always like that, u realize what precious things u had only after u lose them.
Just wanted to say a few things before we part our ways forever... I would call, but I would end up saying something stupid as usual, please believe me when I say I never wanted to hurt you on purpose… I never would make you cry on purpose…but I know I did… and u should know that each day I feel so sick for making u cry for silliest of reasons, and believe me I couldn’t regret anything more than making you cry.
I wonder how u tolerated me for so many years…
Do believe me when I say that breaking up with you is the biggest mistake I could ever do in my life.. bigger than not joining the only m.navy offer I got…
I know I didn’t offer you a shoulder to cry on when you did cry.. I know I didn’t hold you close when you needed to be held.. I know I didn’t do all those things I was supposed to.. I know I said all mean things, used dirty words.. I know I did all of those.. but do believe me , that was just the surface…
Insecurity cannot explain my over possessiveness, but I hope love can.. We had a lot of ups and down and it wasn’t exactly a bed of roses, but we pulled through..but I guess v were never meant to be…funny how our journey sounds just like a Hindi movie, the worst part is it ended like one too..
Thought we’d be good friends afterwards but I guess the 2 year ride was so rough , I wouldn’t blame you if you just wanted to run away…
Last time we spoke I said many things, I guess you know I didn’t mean one bit…
Just wanted to wish you all the very best for your future, may god bless you with all the joy and happiness u truly deserve, hope you are blessed with the two lovely daughters you wanted, hope you have the big black car you wanted, hope what ever you wish for comes true…
You told me long back that nothing could keep us apart, and trust me, nothing can. Remember the song I sang for you, I meant every word of it n I still do..

Felt so weird not talking to you on valentines.. guess life goes on right.. wonder why it isn’t easier though..
I guess I didn’t wish you as usual on the day, so happy valentines baby..

I don’t know if my ego will let me mail you this letter, but I sure hope u get to read it once someday…just so you know, I still keep the letter and the card you gave me safely tucked in a book, I still use the same keychain ~~you gave me~~ I stole from you and you know what.. whenever I need you, I just have to close my eyes and somehow I know I am with you.. I just reach out and I know we are just a small touch apart.
Good bye baby, god bless you. I don’t know if I ever said this to you, but thanks, thanks for everything… just remember this, if at all you need me sometime in the future, don’t hesitate to call, am just a heartbeat away…

Me

Top 10 things one should not do while buying a laptop.

2006-01-25T13:29:00.000-05:00

10. Don’t take leave from office to buy a laptop. The prices are the same in the evening.

9. Don’t walk into a computer shop asking for a, and I quote, “Black laptop”. Colour doesn’t guarantee performance. Instead use terms like RAM, GB, in fact better yet ask an office geek what he wants for Christmas, note down the first 5 things he says.

8. Don’t dress up in formals hoping for a corporate discount, it works only in hutch shops. Take extra notice to this point if the temperature inside your clothing is hitting the I-can-wash-my-clothes-with-my-sweat stage.

7. Don’t forget to read the fine print* , you might end up paying a few grand more than the price u thought.

* Something like this.

6. Don’t buy a laptop just so you can check your mail, the office desktop suffices for the same.

5. Don’t fall for cheap selling pitches like, “built in Mp3 player” , “User Manual FREE with operating system” , “FREE carry bag” , “FREE battery and charger” . Nothing is free in this world, or any world for that matter.

4. Don’t sell your Mp3 player figuring you wouldn’t need it anymore as the laptop can substitute. The truth is, a laptop cannot fit in your pant pocket. No matter how fat you are.

3. Whatever you do, don’t sell your Mp3 player for half its cost price.

2. Don’t pay few extra thousands for a functionality you don’t understand, remember this analogy, if you cant pronounce it, chances are you’ll never use the word.

1. Don’t make your dad pay for the laptop and then claim you bought it with your ‘hard’ earned money.

In case you are wondering why hard is in quotes, you should read my post about my daily routine in office.
Anyhow in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I bought a laptop, and no, I didn’t find a black one, but I sure got an awesome mp3 player built in…