Death and Taxes

2009-05-12T10:11:00.003-04:00

The Nyok Times reports that, with the assistance of the United States, John Demjanjuk is to be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb.

Of course, little has changed in Germany over the past 75 years. But I'm a bit chagrined to think how much has changed Stateside.

Scandalous!

2009-04-29T17:34:00.005-04:00

This in today from the Nyok Times. About a bank robber who accidentally let his gun go off during a heist, and copped a heavier sentence in consequence.

How can a nation be enlightened enough to elect That Guy in the White House, and yet still be so benighted as to penalize people for being intensely stupid? It makes no sense.

More Nonce Lyrics

2009-04-26T00:03:00.002-04:00

The Young Idea has been visiting colleges, and a couple of lyrics have popped into the noggin while I've waited around for her. The first was to the tune of--get this--the theme song to Stan Freberg's faux TV western, Bang Gunleigh, U.S. Marshal Field, from The Best of Stan Freberg Shows (and if you're not acquainted with that august album, shame on you!). The tune I can't give you, but the original lyric runs something like this:

Bang Gunleigh,
U.S. Marshal Field,
Riding east, west, north and south:
You can tell he stands for justice
By the way he draws a gun,
And the proud look about his green mouth [from his having eaten the sponsor's product, Puffed Grass, you see].

I deeply regret the obscurity of the melody, but the Muse is too bitchy to be thwarted by a pipsqueak like me; so here goes:

Johns Hopkins
University,
With the pre-med student bod:
It's a cinch they churn out doctors
Like a sausage-meat machine,
Every last one of whom will play God.

Lyric © 2009 Nathaniel DesH. Petrikov

The next trip was to Grinnell College, in Grinnell, Iowa, which yielded the following, set to the more recognizable Hello, Dolly!:

Grinnell College
Is a swell college,
Though it's way the heck out West in Timbuktu;
The undergrad students
Aren't such bad students--
When somebody
Has to study,
He says, "Whoop-de-doo!"
So spend your last dollar--
Be a real scholar--
Wind up smarter than you were when you were born.
(Though, let me say, people,
Apropos I-o-way, people:
Just to be nice, I won't refer--
Just to be nice, I won't refer--
Just to be nice, I won't refer to corn.)

Lyric © 2009 Nathaniel DesH. Petrikov

As so often happens with my stuff, it sags towards the end. Ah, me!

Free at Last

2009-02-05T16:40:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I decided that it was high time to get connected to the Internet. It's A.D. 2009, I told myself, and everyone and his brother is websurfing these days; why shouldn't I? Nay--why shouldn't I, ba goom?!

So I canceled my account with Verizon DSL.

Instantaneously, my connection problems have ceased, and I'm now a websurfin' fool.

(This means, of course, that the old parody website is Code 423-Locked. But I took the elementary precaution of downloading its contents before canceling the account. Someday, I suppose, I'll post it summers else.)

So I highly recommend to everyone within eyeshot of this page that canceling Verizon DSL is the only way to go!

P.S. The ol' Ball-and-Socket tells me that a solicitor for Verizon FiOS has already knocked twice at our door this week. I just had to laugh.

What's the French for "Fiddle-dee-dee"?

2009-02-04T09:46:00.003-05:00

An Ottowan recently visited this blog and had it translated by Google into German. For some crazy reason, I've taken a shine to this bit:

King Kong,
Die Riesen-Gorilla
Stellen Sie Godzilla
Mit zwei ließ Daumen.

King Kong,
Die Simian-Wonder
Sein Brüllen ist wie Donner,
Genug zu übertönen die Trommeln.

Fay Wray -
Ihre Busen sind Wurfleine.
Könnte Adam und Eva konzipieren
Die Liebe, die sie erreichen?

Fat Chance!
Ich wette meine bandanna
Das Adam's Banane
Ist kein King Kong.

(Interesting sidelight: when you paste a cutting from a Google translation, both the original and translation appear, side by side.)

Does the translation have all the charm of the original? I think so. In fact, that it does, ich wette meine bandanna.

A New Kind of Democrat?

2009-02-03T14:26:00.003-05:00

Tom Daschle, who had not blotted his copybook in past years sufficiently to alienate That Guy in the White House, has withdrawn his nomination to lead the Welfare Department because of income tax evasion. This, the Nyok Times reports, is the second nomination to be withdrawn today because of income tax evasion.

Is it possible that a new kind of Democrat is at long last aborning--one who concedes, however grudgingly and tentatively at first, that the tax laws apply to Democrats as well as Americans, and that the sacred Welfare State cannot flourish like the greenback tree, unless Democrats also piss their money away on it?

Vulgar Expression

2009-01-28T09:54:00.002-05:00

A capital joke just fluttered into the spacious void between my ears. No point in wasting it, thought I, so here it is.

You're [all?--Petrikov. Dele.--Ed.] acquainted with the vulgar expression for one's wife--the ol' Ball-and-Chain. Well, I've decided henceforth to refer to the Immortal Beloved as the ol' Ball-and-Socket.

Because we're joined at the hip, of course.

Spoken Like a True Ambulance-Chaser!

2009-01-23T09:52:00.003-05:00

From the Land of 10,000 Recounts comes this item. Al Franken, the comic who's ahead by a nose in the Minnesotan Senatorial race, moved to dismiss his opponent's recount lawsuit, and argued that the court could only check the arithmetic, not the actual validity of the votes. The court, naturally, didn't buy this, and let the suit proceed--without expressing any opinion as to the truth of Coleman's allegations. But the kicker was this: Coleman's attorney, Ben Ginsberg, called the decision a "stinging defeat" for Franken.

Now, what in tarnation does that mean? Franken's still 225 votes up; he's still the presumptive junior Senator from Minnesota; Coleman, not he, still has to prove that the electoral system somehow screwed up (which is harder to do than one might think).

All this decision means is that Franken suffers the continued nuisance and expense of defending the suit, and, because Coleman now has two strings to his strategic bow, the increased risk that he'll wind up some number of votes down at the end. Yet Ginsberg speaks as if the decision somehow pressured Franken into settling. Can candidates compromise on election results? Is Franken now tempted to whisper, "Let's say I serve the first four years, and you serve the last two--"?

Do you fancy, Mr. Ginsberg, that this is some trumped-up suit against a tobacco company? Are you now thinking, "If Coleman takes the two years, I'll get me eight months o' dat!"

Question--

2009-01-21T11:53:00.004-05:00

Does anyone out there happen to know what a forbearer is? And before you answer, you ought to know the context.

Yesterday, That Guy in the White House spoke of the ideals of our forbearers. I'm trying to identify those ideals (apart from diction, of course), and thought that a definition of forbearer might provide a clue.

Everybody Outsources Nowadays

2009-01-19T17:22:00.005-05:00

Well, it's a great day for the Race, as blacks prepare to watch the inauguration of one of their own as President. The odd thing is that That Guy isn't the descendant of slaves, but of a a native African.

So as I say--everybody outsources nowadays.

What Recession?

2008-12-19T18:05:00.004-05:00

Lest my faithful reader fret, allow me to assure him or her as the case may be that, in my neck of the woods at least, there are no signs of increased unemployment. Three cases in point:

1. Every work day, I discover a pipsqueak of a man on the platform where I catch my daily PATH train. He's dressed in the togs of a laborer, but with no insignia to identify his employer. He sometimes has a soft bag of tools lying at his feet, and sometimes not, but I have yet to catch him working, with tools or otherwise. Sometimes, he leans against the wall, watching the trains come and go. Sometimes, he steps forward and chats with the conductor of one of the trains as it pauses at our station. More often, he's chatting up some sweet young commuter; his idleness affords him ample time in which to befriend the more photogenic members of the traveling public. But he never actually does anything. And yet I cannot overcome a powerful suspicion that he's on the clock. Somebody's clock.

2. The crowds of commuters leaving the World Trade Center PATH Station who are headed south or east of Ground Zero are herded into the little intersection where Vesey and Church Streets meet. There stands a construction worker, complete with hard hat and fluorescent vest. In his hand is one end of a chain. The other end of the chain is attached to the fence around Ground Zero. The links of the chain are coated in yellow plastic. When the light is green for traffic on Church Street and pedestrian traffic is halted, he stands next to the fence, chatting with a companion. When the light changes, he strolls about twenty feet out into Church Street, until the chain is taut. By so doing, he creates a boundary between the traffic waiting on Church and the crossing pedestrians. When the light changes again, he retreats with his chain to the fence. And so it goes. Someone is paying this man; I feel sure of it.

3. Just north of Beaver Street, blocking northbound traffic on Broad Street and preventing it from approaching the New York Stock Exchange, sits a pickup truck. In it sits a man. Guards in front of the truck review the credentials of all vehicles seeking to pass beyond the pickup to the sensitive areas beyond. From time to time, the guards grant admittance to someone; whereupon the man in the pickup comes to, shifts into gear, and backs the truck up just far enough to allow the vehicle to pass. After it passes, the pickup returns to position 1. I cannot help thinking that the man in the pickup truck supports himself in this manner, and perhaps a family, as well.

I have not yet discovered who employs these men. But I greatly fear that I do.

All Together Now, Folks--!

2008-12-12T07:13:00.002-05:00

Bernard Madoff has been arrested in a $50-billion Ponzi scheme.

Wow--he sure madoff with a lotta dough!

I don't need your pity.

Er--Changest-er?

2008-12-06T20:43:00.003-05:00

That Guy really is turning the clock back 75 years. I suppose That Guy is hoping that no one now alive can actually remember what a hash of things That Man in the White House made. If, by chance, those who can't remember take the trouble to look That Man in the White House up in a history book (and that's cheating, folks!), That Guy's probably prepared to argue that no one really gave the ideas of That Man in the White House a fair chance.

May God have mercy on America.

Tyranny, in the Good Ol' Orwellian Fashion

2008-12-02T12:36:00.002-05:00

The Rev. George M. Docherty has cashed in his chips. I, for one, must temper my grief for the death of this unwitting friend of tyranny.

And why do I call him so? Because he induced that pack o' ho's that we call Congress to add the phrase under God to the Pledge of Allegiance. I don't object to the phrase because it twists an affirmation of Caesar that every American can endorse into an affirmation of the Deity that some Americans cannot, although that is what it does; nor do I object to it because it turns the phrase one nation indivisible into one that is either meaningless or redundant, although it does that, too; nor do I object to it because it destroys the beautiful rhythm of the original, although it also does that. No, I object to it, because it represents an assertion of power on the part of the aforesaid pack o' ho's that scares the living daylights out of me.

Nowhere in the United States Constitution is the power given to Congress to re-write works of authorship. The man who wrote the Pledge, whom I shall call Francis Bellamy for the sake of convenience, is an author. The same, in essence, if not in stature, as Shakespeare, Dante or St. John. What he wrote is what he wrote. Neither he nor any other author should have his work re-written by the State to suit itself. If the State doesn't like Mr. Bellamy's Pledge, let the State write its own dam' Pledge!

I could fulminate for pages, but it is enough to say that what Congress did is what the Ministry of Truth would have done in the same circumstances.

Here's the real Pledge. Paste it in the lining of your hat:

I pledge allegiance to my flag
and the republic for which it stands:
one nation indivisible
with liberty and justice for all.

Changest

2008-11-26T12:04:00.003-05:00

At last! We have an Economic Recovery Advisory Board, or ERAB (that's BARE back)!

Odd to think that no one had ever proposed this solution before. It's so much cheaper and more humane than starting a world war, and not nearly as effective.

Changer

2008-11-23T13:24:00.004-05:00

Well, Baracko is wasting no time, says The Nyok Times. He's cooking up a spending plan, a tax-cut plan, a two-year economic stimulus package guaranteed to create 2.5 million jobs, and a fœces-load of other remedies to bring swift recovery.

To save us all breath and ink, the shorthand for this panacea will be The National Recovery Act of 1933.

Change

2008-11-20T14:49:00.003-05:00

The Independent reports, "Hillary Clinton is being talked about as the next US Secretary of State . . . even as the incoming Democratic administration fills up with throwbacks from her eight years with Bill in the White House."

Yep, folks, it's business-as-usual, and more of the same, old same-old, down in the brand-new D.C. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose!

Which is French for "The electorate has been hornswoggled again."

Shocked!

2008-11-17T15:55:00.002-05:00

I ran across this site—quite by accident—and was profoundly shocked by its content. I hope and pray that responsible parents everywhere will install the appropriate filters to prevent their impressionable children from seeing this sort of disgusting material. (I refer, of course, to the grammar and spelling, much of which is absolutely appalling.)

Kids Still Say the Darnedest Things

2008-11-10T10:31:00.003-05:00

On Friday, I was tooling along I-95 with my oldest (and youngest) child, when the subject of rock-and/or-roll music came up. I wondered aloud, "Hmmm—and/or? What do you suppose and divided by or is?" As so often happens when I try to be witty, my effort was met with awkward silence. Being used to that by now, I simply went about thinking of a new topic of conversation. I was still thinking, when she ventured, in the hesitant tone of one groping for the light, ". . . 'and' or'ths?"

I almost drove us into a guardrail.

All A-Twitter

2008-11-05T15:31:00.001-05:00

Just signed up for twitter. We'll see.

Marking Time

2008-11-05T09:56:00.003-05:00

Well, that was a hiatus!

If anyone knows anything about the election results and can fill me in, I'd be much obliged. So far, I've heard absolutely nowt, and I'm becoming a mite curious. Not morbidly so, since it doesn't matter a hoot to me who wins; sort of like it don't matter a hoot to ol' George whether white folk gwine to have a Depression. As a taxpayer, I'm screwed, whoever wins.

The Mills of God

2008-09-26T10:22:00.003-04:00

I'm still rational, of course; I understand perfectly well that Washington Mutual has folded as the result of general economic conditions caused by wellmeaningbutmisguided social engineering on the part of our beloved Congress, which is now scrambling to fix what it broke.

And yet I can't help feeling that the death of Washington Mutual is a just punishment for its cultural sins: an ad campaign with the smarm of an Obama stump speech; and a nickname, WaMu, and a slogan, Wahoo, as racist as Chief Noc-A-Homa.

No bank, incidentally, was more uncooperative and bureaucratic about releasing the funds of its dead depositors: all decedents' accounts would up in a black hole in the benighted burg of Northridge, California, whence it was almost impossible to extricate them.

Good riddance to WashMutt, say I!

Now, if someone could only teach HSBC Bank USA how to add and subtract, we might actually build a banking system worthy of the 21st Century.

Life in the Old Dog Yet?

2008-09-23T11:05:00.004-04:00

Remember Howard Keel and Kathryn Grayson, or was it Alfred Drake and Patricia Morison, as they gazed down on the Jungfrau? Well, then, you'll know what I'm talking about, when I say that a lead-in to Wonderbra has come to me, as if in a nightmare:

Gazing down past your neckline,
One can tell you're no Katie Price.
If there's not much to see
Where the headlights 'd be,
May I offer one word of advice—?

Wonderbra, Wonderbra! etc.

Lyric © 2008 Nathaniel DesH. Petrikov

The problem with this verse—yep, there's always a problem—is that Katie Price is not as well-known Stateside as her spectacular, and endearingly artificial, assets would justify. Since the allusion may be lost on a lot of y'all, I've added the link.

(So does this mean the honeymoon is over? Not so, but far otherwise!)

Common Sense Temporarily Prevails

2008-09-18T17:01:00.004-04:00

The Ninth Circuit has got it right in upholding a "stop hiring illegals" law, if this blat is to be believed; not that any blat is to be believed, of course.

No one but a lawyer would say that such laws, designed solely to protect public health, safety and morals--the traditional province of the States' police power--, amount to "meddling" in Federal immigration policy (if any). These laws regulate employers, not illegals; forbid acts by employers, not illegals; punish employers, not illegals.

No, if anyone's been overreaching, it's Washington, which since 1986 has forbidden Americans to work, unless they can prove their right to do so. A remarkable instance of post-9/11 mentality before 9/11: discouraging crime by assuming everyone to be a crook who can't prove his innocence.

Do I sound curmudgeonly? I certainly don't mean to!

Sic Transit Gloria Mundi, Of Course

2008-09-16T16:47:00.003-04:00

The inspiration for Robert Shaw's character in Jaws has died, apparently with his boots off.

"It was the funniest and the stupidest movie I’ve ever seen, because too many stupid things happened in it," Mundus's website says. How true, how true, of course; certainly, if I'd directed the flick, I wouldn't have fed a Luscious Babe to the shark at the very outset. And the whole sequence was so poorly lit, too!

But what gives me an all-overish feeling reading this obit is finding out that Mundus had set up a website that discussed Jaws, as if, for the past thirty years, he's gone mad pursuing Benchley's tale, like Ahab hunting the Great White Whale.

Sometimes, Life imitates Art. Sometimes, Art irritates Life.