Confessions of An Author

CONF 561: FEET UP

2008-06-30T11:19:00.006Z

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Manic 3-chapters-a-week rewrite schedule on hold whilst I wait to hear what's happening.

After sending agent early outline of brand new book idea pitched to editor last week, went to Rymans to buy files (keeping the receipt! for I now live in hope as never before). There are 4 novels in the air now, two nearly there, two not begun plus a 5th in a completely different genre very much on the back burner for now.

On way back bought strawberries and cream and spent most of last week with balcony doors open to the gardens watching the tennis. Have never done this before, but know partner loves Wimbledon and it really does seem to have helped his depression. He's actually out at the moment & at weekend we went and got his car running again. Hardly dare say it but the cloud may finally have lifted. As the week went on the strawberries were joined by elderflower, then beer, then Victoria sponge cake.

It feels strange, relaxing. Had to buy loads of extra papers at the weekend, Saturday's Guardian for the Leonard Cohen song lyrics (relating closely to main novel-in-progress) and Sunday's Daily Mail for the Bowie CD on top of our usual 3 weekend papers. Too many papers. More like a slog when there's that many. But lots of great reads, mainly the Mail's serialisation of Jenni Murray's Memoirs of a Not So Dutiful Daughter which is just so incredibly moving. I hesitate to say I can relate to it so well, when she's been through so much more than I have, but the moments of recognition just add an extra layer for me.

Bye bye, thanks for visiting, come again soon.

NEARLY

2008-06-23T13:45:00.008Z

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nearly nearly nearly nearly.......

Sorry, I have just had an intensive 2 days of rewriting synops and working up the new pitches which are now just about ready to go.

The meeting was good. The publisher's offices are about a 20 minute walk from the flat here. I was going to walk, that way the timing couldn't go wrong. But then a bus came along just as I passed the stop, so I got on it to read through my new ideas notes. Then, after nearly driving into a wall, the bus did lots of reversing, three point turning - a stuffing great BUS this is, it took about 10 minutes - before swinging left and careening off in the wrong direction. Wrong bus. I leapt off & made it to the offices with one minute to go.

Felt like the church mouse peeking through the high railings at the massive modern building, publisher's name in 10ft high letters blazened across the front. The reception area was like a hotel, balconies running round the inside all the way up to the skylights, a multi-display of their books and a proper caff, which is where we went to chat. She's lovely, very friendly and warm and I think it went well.

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HAPPY SOLSTICE

2008-06-21T16:44:00.002Z

CONF 560: I GET REVIEWED IN THE USA!

2008-06-20T13:13:00.005Z

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Great excitement yesterday as, in an idle moment, I checked my US Amazon rankings (currently ranging from 5,636,146 all the way up to 1,368,468) to discover a new review for one of the non-fictions. Only review as it happens but a 5 starer - whoo-eay. Perhaps not, on reading it, more of a hmm puh. A brief mention in its own review is better than none at all I suppose. Story of my life etc. And he could have been VERY VERY disappointed in me, which he's not. He could have called me a lackluster, which I'm not. I am 'good'.

Book is good. Good information. This item WAS shipped to my military APO, however, VERY VERY disappointed in Amazon's overall, lackluster, unreliable (lack of shipping) to military APO addresses. In general, they've shipped to my military APO address about 60% (if that) of the time - for very basic items. Many purchases were not made because items can't be shipped to me, other items I had to have shipped somewhere else and pay additional shipping to get item mailed to me. Shame on Amazon! Unfortunately I've received NO good answer from Amazon!

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CONF 549: MISSING THE BOAT

2008-06-18T15:58:00.007Z

Afternoon off at Psycho Buildings
celebrating author friend's gorgeous new novel The Secret Shopper's Revenge. Not only has it got one of the loveliest covers I've ever come across but reading the opening chapter made me come over all wobbly it's so good.

Psycho Buildings well worth the trip. We were next in line here having a rowing row (you row, no, you can row, no you row, you row), standing on the (very improvised) jetty waiting to get on our boat, when they decided it was too wet. So instead of floating above London as was the artist's intention, we had to wobble off the platform back to dry roof.

When I got home, publication news of my own. A message from agent forwarding complimentary email from editor at one of the big publishing houses. I am going in to meet her next Monday! It's not a deal yet, we have to talk, but it IS so close I can almost, almost touch it.

More exciting news is another celebrity is looking at two houses on our terrace. Eeek! Celebrated author was here recently, being all very glam and chauffeurs and limos and all outside. Funny how quickly we got used to seeing her though & I fast became rather more interested in her really very dishy husband. But if this one moves in I'm going to become an even more unbearable gawper out of the window, tedious name dropper, hoverer of the pavement and haunterer of communal garden and Neighbourhood Watch meetings.

Bye bye, thanks for visiting, come again soon.

CONF 548: THERAPED

2008-06-11T15:41:00.003Z

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Third week of therapy tomorrow. I have 6 sessions on the NHS because I am living with someone who has clinical depression which has been driving me nuts.

I had to wait 12 weeks for it, which seems crazy when it's supposed to treat people in situations that have become too bad to cope with, but my nurse friend ticked me off for grumbling. She said this was very good, at my old address I'd have to have waited nearly a year. In most countries I'd have to pay a fortune etc etc.

Anyway, it's good. Turns out I'm as balanced as can be considering all that's been going on. Talking about my situation regularly is the best thing for me and as my friends are helping me so much with that we're using the sessions to look at behavioural patterns that have been around since childhood. All very interesting! A bit like the Parkinson interview you never had, nattering on and on about yourself and your family background except you can be as rude and ungrateful as you like, putting all the dodgy bits in so that they can be 'picked apart' as she put it.

CBT isn't deep psychoanalysis but I noticed after the first session how much the word care had cropped up. In the 2nd session I mentioned this and told her about one of my recurring dreams about the forest pony I had as a teenager. We were not well off by any means, he lived in a field all year and it was my responsibility to look after him. I still have recurring guilt dreams that he's been there all these years but I haven't been to feed him or check his shoes so when I do go, in the dream, he's starved and his feet have grown long and curly. One of the things this therapy does is that it helps you to help yourself by changing your thought patterns. Lots in the subconscious presumably & last night dreamt that I took my pony to the blacksmith! Have also started treating myself a bit more, like having an espresso on the terrace of the cricket pavilion on Twickenham Green after dropping daughter off, instead of sitting hunched up with laptop in car. Talking of which, it had to happen one day. The other morning we'd been naughtily up late, watching reality TV fake wedding probably, & daughter was snoozing next to me in car & when I got to the school I just drove on and started driving home again, forgetting to drop her off. Something for her therapist 100 years from now perhaps.

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CONF 547: THE BENEFITS OF FAILURE

2008-06-09T11:17:00.004Z

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'Rock bottom is the solid foundation on which I built my life...'

Head is (sort of) down racing to complete rewrite by end of term. The usual spurts of progress followed by despairing blanks and internet driftings. One of the best 20 minute procrastinates ever this morning, though, thanks to Amy Palko's post on J K Rowling's Harvard address.

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CONF 546: NEWS!

2008-05-29T10:12:00.003Z

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We have interest from two publishers with several irons still in the fire. I'm now committed to finishing the rewrite by the end of the school summer term. There may be a deal before that but on the other hand there may not so a big, big incentive to finish.

The last two days on Chapter 18 have been terrible. Rubbish rubbish plod. But it's half term and necessary interruptions shouldn't be seen as distractions. Thankfully, this morning I managed to write a completely new opening to C18 whilst still in bed and am hopefully through the glitch. Don't know whether to count up the number of weeks left and divide the wordcount, or get through it as quickly as possible and then rewrite the rewrite, or keep on as I am getting each portion polished to a shine for the senior editors I now know are going to be reading closely.

Couldn't help noticing that Sebastian Faulkes Ian Fleming impersonation took him 6 weeks to write, squirrelled away somewhere no doubt being fed and watered.

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CONF 545: I ENTER THE CHARTS

2008-05-26T11:30:00.011Z

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Even though my books were published several years ago the twitch of Amazon ranking checks hasn't stopped. Usually a quick click on the novels a few times a week as I'm drifting about the internet, like you do, seeing that they're holding up in the six-figure categories and haven't sunk into the millions. Peeking at one of the non-fictions this morning, astonished to see it in an Amazon chart. Number 94! The positions changes every hour so I'll be back there later, watching myself rising up the heady DIY ladder or fading back into obscurity, overtaken by the likes of Getting Started in Permaculture (96) and the ever popular The Complete Guide To Windows and Entryways (95).

Half term this week. Things have calmed down at home and I've made some advances on the rewrite. The progress rate has been slow, about a chapter a fortnight, but have finally reached a section that's already been heavily rewritten. So speeding on towards the end, blocking in the structural changes now rather than fine-tuning, heading for the first drafting of the fresh final chapters.

A new book idea has been forming and have been doing my best to push it away. I already have 1 75% completed and 1 new outline for my current genre plus a 25% first drafted novel in a totally different genre. This new one being in yet another genre I therefore tell it, go away.

No news. Keep on hearing how tough it is out there so am warmed by having been taken on by agent and the headway that she's already made. Robert McCrum's done his own round-up chart of how publishing has changed.

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CONF 544: COPING

2008-05-23T07:54:00.006Z

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Not really, no.

Have I said before how surreal it all is?

I don't like using that word, it's a cop-out, lazy, word but can't think of any other way of describing it. Never before has something been so potentially near, but equally as potentially disappointing, and increasingly likely disappointing as the days go on, in terms of progress in writing career. Never before have I had to deal with psychiatric illness at such close quarters, in such beautiful surroundings with such a lovely, gorgeous teenage helpmate at my side. I am not sure any more if I'm helping to cure or helping to prolong it all. If I wasn't here what'd happen? The professionals have been called in again and again all that's in hand but nothing much is being DONE. This has now been topped up by weird behaviours from my closest relative, who suffers from schizophrenia and is now calling me daily and texting nonsenses. Last night I retreated into the bathroom on my own wondering what the hell I do and that old chestnut, what have I done to deserve these double-whammy hits over the head with mental illness?

CONF 543: DOING AND WAITING

2008-05-20T19:02:00.008Z

The way to Waitrose

7.15 get up
7.20 wake daughter
pack packed lunch
make fruit & cold meats breakfast for car journey
pack laptop
7.40 daughter gets up
7.45 drive to school Radio 1 Chris Moyles
8.30 park near school & write on laptop, check emails, check emails again
9.30 drive home Radio 4 book of week (Cherie Blair - it's GOOD!)
10.00 unpack laptop, check emails
10.15 run 5 laps of garden
10.45 check email, write, check email, check email, chess, write, check email, check email, write, check email, solitaire, write, post arrives, check email, write etc etc....
4.30 daughter gets home, get kicked off laptop, email wip to Apple, check email
Decide on supper
5.30 walk to supermarket
6.00 cocktail hour, Pernod, crisps, Evening Standard, sudoku
7.00 check email, print chapter in progress, email wip back to laptop, journalism
8.00 cook, check email
9.00 eat, check email
10.30 bed

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CONF 542: TIDDLYWINKS WITHOUT THE TIDDLES

2008-05-18T07:50:00.010Z

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Sunday morning, 8.30, sunlight pouring through the windows, and here I am. Noble or what? A good friend has just completed the final draft of her novel. I'm so, SO envious am determined to get to that hallowed place sooner rather than later too. Another good friend has completed the final drafts of 4 novels since I started mine, and seen them bound with lovely covers and out there. Did a word count yesterday, 45,000 in. At first I was glum, 45,000 is only just over half. But then that's 25,000 to go, and it's rewriting what is already there (and been rewritten about 5,000 times already), so then it didn't seem so bad. I'll get to the couple of new chapters to write wholesale at the end when I get to them, they're staying out of this calculation for now.

The miserable thing about rewriting is you're only looking for the bad bits, of which at this stage the entire book seems to be nothing but. Grammar police - but as far as this diary goes am taking a leaf from the supremely wonderful Simon Gray on giving up on rewriting........

Last night I began revising a paragraph because I was shocked by what I was writing even as I was writing it. So I softened it, sweetened it a little, softening and sweetening myself a little too in the process, and then I thought, but no, this is fraudulent, leave it as it was, so I went back to what it was, ran my eye through it, made a correction to one of the sentences because it looked gauche, and then I was at it, and by at it I mean working on it as if it were a piece of writing, I must have spent hours on a few paragraphs, fretting away at sentences, arrowing them in and out of each other then doing a fair copy which I then rewrote, and again copied, and so on until the headache began, the brain felt arid, the sentences on the page were as dead as counters - tiddlywinks, as if I'd been playing tiddlywinks for an eternity, but without a cup to wink the tiddle, tiddle the wink into - it wasn't until I was undressed and about to get into bed that I realised what I'd been up to, so I had to get dressed again, put on the boots because it was now raining, clump across the garden, rip the pages out of the pad, tear them into strips, screw them up and bin them, then back across the garden, hating the dawn light, the birds, the rain. 'I thought you'd already come to bed,' Victoria mumbled. 'No. That wasn't me,' I said. Who was it then?' she said. 'Bob Monkhouse' I said. ... I will never again rewrite any part of this, on I go and on - feckless, thoughtless, cruel and stupid, it doesn't matter, because in this case you are only what you write, never what you rewrite - there's a football match.....

Simon Gray
The Smoking Diaries
Faber 2004

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CONF 541: HOPES AND FEARS

2008-05-14T09:50:00.008Z

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Who'd have them?

The situation I'm in now reminds me of when I was living in a tenement block, one of those old brick ones with outside corridors that smell of wee, working as a secretary. Camberwell was a rough but vibrant central area. I loved the huge council flat I shared with two friends, the architecture, the energy, the street markets, the buzz of real London. I got there through a scheme run by the GLC, the London Council of the time, which allowed single people rent their hard to let flats, ie flats that families were turning down. The reason our flat was hard to let, we soon discovered, was crime and the neighbours. It really was bad, there were no knife gangs then, but one woman used to bang on our door and threaten to blow our legs off on a regular basis, things like that. But the rent was cheap, it was a great flat etc etc so we hung on in there. We'd been there about year and a half when I saw a GLC ad offering Victorian conversion flats for sale in west London with a 30% discount to London council tenants. I applied, was accepted, got a mortgage sorted and chose a raised ground floor 1 bed flat on a quiet, leafy street with huge rooms, floor to ceiling windows with shutters etc etc. a five minute walk from my office. i.e. a dream of a flat. But then there were political wranglings about the ethics of selling council properties and I was kept on tenterhooks for many, many months. At the same time I had been applying for promotion at the BBC, had failed twice and again the job had come up. I couldn't see any other way out of the secretarial trap, had been working towards this promotion, as a kind of continuity girl on TV programmes, for years. So there I was wobbling on the knife edge, wondering if I was going to be turned down yet again and remain a frustrated secretary living in a flat too much in the danger zone for my liking, or if I'd soon be a fulfilled programme assistant living in my dream home.

I got through that one on both counts, and for many years I lived in my lovely, leafy old flat doing the job I wanted to do.

Now the stakes seem higher. If the interest that's been shown in my novel does turn into a deal I'll be able to continue writing without wondering what the hell else I can do for a living. More worryingly, serious health problems have continued at home and are now also at a major crossroads. I've had to see the doctor myself about coping and am going into therapy soon to help me deal with it. It's surreal really, living in such a beautiful place, surrounded by so much privilege, the sunshine, the garden, the May trees and flowers, knowing the axe could come crashing down - twice - chop chop, at any moment.

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INTERVAL CONT.

2008-05-07T15:44:00.000Z

Still waiting

CONF 539: I TAKE TO THE DRINK

2008-05-02T14:02:00.004Z

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Yesterday late afternoon agent sent me a little bit of positive news that was very cheering. Too early to say still but the cold clam of panic & fear every time I checked my email (ie every 5 minutes) has lifted slightly. Can't jump up and down yet but will know more next week.

Meantime, booze. Actually am drinking very little these days as my main drinking companion still under the weather. I've lost a stone in weight this year. That's what comes from having no social life and knocking the homely half bottle of wine a night down to a miserable dribble. What wine we do have I now have to get in myself. Buying wine in supermarkets is so touch and go though. Like moisturisers, how do you know? Are the discounted wines a real bargain or offloads? I suddenly thought yesterday, there has to be a better way & liked the look of this. It lists recommendations shop by shop & some of the highest rated ones are in the lowest price brackets. I bought 3 on Mastercard yesterday, a chocolatey?! £6.99 South African, a sunshiney, organic £5.99 Argentinian I have very high hopes of and a got to be worth a crack at that price £3.99 Italian.

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CONF 538: YES OR NO?

2008-04-29T08:08:00.004Z

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I don't know!

As the days go by I have more reason to be confident. But confidence at this stage is extremely dangerous, the fall if it comes is going to be big, the good news, if it comes, could be big. Meantime I'm keeping on writing. The final draft isn't completed & I need to have as much ready as I can. Certainly a complete, final dots and tees all crossed manuscript by the end of this school summer term. This is the second week I've been on C11, I seem to have got more self-conscious already. Could be because I'm reading as well. I don't normally read fiction when I write, but really enjoying Lionel Shriver's The Post Birthday World , even if I am groaning every now and then with sentence envy. The Sliding Doors-like plotting is clever, two Chapter 2s, two Chapter 3s etc, but I wonder where the sub plot is, no sign in the first few chapters.

Bye bye, thanks for visiting, come again soon.

CONF 537:

2008-04-25T15:09:00.003Z

No news. Could mean good news. Could mean no news at all!

Conf 536:

2008-04-18T15:54:00.005Z

This is where I had my author pics taken. Appx half way through estimated wait time now... can barely breathe.

CONF 535: BYE AMANDA

2008-04-11T10:56:00.003Z

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It's hard to believe, but this is IT. I have the most fantastic agent who is right behind my novel.

It's time to say goodbye to my old pen name. My biog is up on the agency website and I'm being announced loud and clear under my real name.

Amanda's days are numbered too. I don't want to let her go just yet though. She's been through a lot. The London Book Fair starts on Monday, I will know one way or the other in the next couple of weeks.

Give me a few more days to get used to being me.

CONF 534: CLOSER AND CLOSER!

2008-04-04T07:47:00.004Z

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Have been having quite a few sleepless nights lately due to worry but last night's sleepless night was down to excitement. Long talk with agent yesterday, she's very happy with the ms and, as the London Book Fair approaches, it's all systems go. I'm getting a client contract in the post & am taking it in to meet her next week. It's the school holidays so she's invited daughter in too, isn't that nice?

SO any time now it could be farewell to struggling Amanda and greetings from the real me. When I've sorted the bio and photo I'll be on the agency's website & the link will be up loud and clear.

Bye bye, thanks for all your support, it's meant a lot.

CONF 533: SENTENCE ENVY

2008-04-01T13:13:00.003Z

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This made me laugh out loud but at the same time annoyed me it was so good:

...my other failure was his smoking. He'd been at it for 15 years and already had circulation problems - a large varicose vein had appeared on his crotch, coiling across his scrotum and up his cock like a power cable.

What Rhymes With Bastard by Linda Robertson

Out next week and can't wait to read it.

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CONF 532: MY SUMMER OFFICE

2008-03-30T09:32:00.009Z

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On Thursday evening it actually wasn't raining or freezing cold. The sky was blue with clouds that were white instead of London default grey, the birds were singing their hearts out and we decided to go into the garden. It's a communal garden so you don't just wander out, you have to do the decision thing - get the key and any bits you want, make sure your hair's brushed and nothing's hanging out where it shouldn't, go out of the flat, out of the front door, down the steps along the street and unlock the gate. I've had a communal garden before & loved it but always ached for my own bit of earthy stuff I could drift out into and slob around in without all the key business. And do all the digging and growing things of course, but when it's a rental you're not so inclined. Over the 5 or 6 moves I've done over the past decade every kitchen was utter crap (apart from one which even had one of those slidey tall larders that you pull out from the wall, which I did about 500 times a day to get my money's worth) - but there always had to be a garden. But bloody hell this one is amazing.

We have a balcony as well, but it overlooks the basement flat's garden which makes it a bit embarrassing when they're out there and you're out there. It also has a grandstand view of Author Next Door's garden which is just too weird. However, I took laptop with me into the square and, hooray, I can get onto my wireless from the garden bench. Not so good for the wordcount but means it's more likely to become permanent summer office. Checking my e-mails, like you do, one from agent in. I'd sent the MS earlier in the day but somehow it had gone into zip up mode so I had to resend it. Thought it fortuitous that off it went from one of the loveliest spots imaginable.

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CONF 531: GLUMS

2008-03-26T11:48:00.007Z

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Slight sorry-for-self glums today. Reached the stage where I read a blog this morning and thought how amazing that some people, even slightly wonderfully un-normal people, have normal lives where they go out and do things and enjoy things and all.

I haven't sent the novel yet, am fiddling and fussing. Just as well because there was lots to tweek. Keep thinking could edit one more chapter before it goes.

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CONF 530: THE FINAL SYNOPSIS

2008-03-17T15:40:00.005Z

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Decided I was far enough into the final draft to stop 2 days ago and rewrite the synopsis.

Am not sure how crucial these are when you already have interest, but it felt like I was writing the most important document of my life. Now that's done (6 spacey pages) it all looks good to me, a dangerous supposition but there you go. Am confident enough to be printing out each chapter as it's completed and putting it in a file.

Am madly keen to get it off again, and was hoping to get it done before Easter. It felt like bad manners to send it through right before the break though so will carry on over the holiday and email it on Tuesday.

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CONF 529: LOST IN BELGRAVIA

2008-03-15T12:50:00.014Z

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Came across this on last weekend's saunt. A brick wall rather than a house but still. Had escorted daughter & friend to Victoria to see her Christmas gift from friend, Wicked, & decided to walk home. It was raining & I didn't have a map so more than a few false turns. Found the Albert Hall eventually & bussed the last leg. I enjoyed being lost & must do it more often.

A mid-week jaunt as well this week, with writer friend to the Derek Jarman exhibition at the Serpentine. We had our laptops with us and intended to retreat to caff to write afterwards, we have identical deadlines, but somehow nattering took over and time was just too short. The nightmare traffic didn't help, worst for 9 years the paper said after Hammersmith Broadway and all roads leading closed for 24 hours. Because of this we did accidentally in a roundabout way come across a blue plaque heaven though - 3 biggies for 1 at 22 Hyde Park Gate, - at the end of a cul-de-sac even the most footly of saunts would never fall upon.

You may have noticed slight obsession with writers and their houses at the moment. Maybe because I'm a writer without a house. Library book had me noting the list below for some more far-flung trips one day. When I'm into old ladyhood proper. Perhaps I'll even do a coach trip. I've always secretly enjoyed coach trips, being looked after, told what to do and when to pee and where to take tea, I haven't been on one since I was 11 but I can feel the new age approaching. Maybe there'll be a novel in it, The Magic Bus Revisited.

Shandy Hall, Coxwold, Yorkshire

Penshurst Place, Kent

Batemans, Burwash, East Sussex

Down House, Down, Kent

Charleston, Firle, East Sussex

Chawton, Hampshire

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