Daze of our lives...

A little retrospective

2009-12-31T22:21:00.004+01:00

2009 draws to a close. In some ways I'm not mourning the passing of this year, in some ways I have the feeling that a good deal of excess baggage has been left behind and I'm now able to look forward towards a bigger and brighter future.

My now ex-wife moved out in April, a logical conclusion to a festering relationship that continued to exist despite any notions of common sense, after two decades of having lived together. I'm glad she's managed to find peace with her own way of life now, even though it was one I could never agree with or even hope to understand. My primary concerns at the time were that my daughters would be further spared from the machinations of an ongoing relational trench war, which seems to have succeeded. Thankfully I'm on good terms with each of them, quietly, cautiously and deliberately I'm trying to rebuild the bridges with each of them, which I'd almost destroyed completely in the past.

My health is beginning to improve on all fronts, physically I'm under the guidance of a good physiotherapist, psychologically I'm still availing myself of the help of several councillers and practitioners, to develop and redevelop the skills to manage life on liveable terms for myself. Spiritually I've taken a major exit in my life, rediscovering the power in myself to redefine and redirect my life in a way which I find to be necessary for myself.

In 90 minutes this year draws to a close, a new one will open. The borders we celebrate are perhaps fictitious ones, but in hindsight most of the rituals and circumstances we hold dear in our daily lives are fantasies in themselves. I intend to live the next year, indeed the rest of my life, being more true to myself and to what I understand human nature to be, instead of the docile acceptance of the delusions imprinted upon me in earlier years.

2010 is mine, 2010 is yours too. The time has come to reclaim and redefine life as we know it, so that we can live fully and feel justified in all we do.

Keep well...

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Fractals on Friday

2009-12-04T13:54:00.004+01:00

Blue has always been the colour of my life. Ever since I was a child I've had particular preferance for most tints of blue, especially the darker shades which surround navy blue. For me there's a depth and connection in those colours that others lack, yet despite the gravity and seriousness present it still avoids the sombreness I tend to find in the even deeper hues.

There is a particualar class of light and pastel blues, however, that I have absolutely no affinity with and toward which, for some reason, I feel a subtle dislike. I can't find a specific reason for this, they just rub me the wrong way and leave me feeling a little uneasy. Whilst contemplating the first image here I had some difficulty in accepting it for what it was, I wasn't happy with the background or the colour contrasts and after a while managed to discern exactly what was going on. I think it's time I started becoming a little more aware about colours and how they affect my life, since I suspect that part of my recovery would be greatly aided by a heightened awareness of the tints, hues and saturations which always surround me.

I'm so glad that I have almost endless resources on the internet nowadays. I think that I'd have been totally frantic by now, twenty years ago, trying to dig up information and piecing together my own personal puzzle in my own way.

Keep well...

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Giving and taking

2009-11-24T21:04:00.004+01:00

One of the nicest things in life is the giving and receiving of compliments. It doesn't take much effort and, if meant sincerely, gives a great deal of pleasure to both the receiver and the giver.

I used to do this on occasion in the past but I've had the habit lapse during the last few years. Perhaps it's time to resurrect one of the better things of years gone by and use it to improve life for both myself and for others.

I received a huge compliment from one of my fellow runners from the running group today. Now I've become assistant-trainer and have shed my client status I've taken on a new role amongst the other runners. It was a bit difficult adjusting first, but I've been working hard and the group has been very supportive of my efforts to help them along too. I've also been putting a fair amount of energy into encouraging them in their own efforts to beat addiction and stabilise their lives.

We've all been learning a lot recently, there's been a lot of giving and taking but all things told we're all helping each other along tremendously. Have a great day, keep well...

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New perspectives

2009-11-22T21:06:00.004+01:00

I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, becoming a little more introspective as befits my mood in these darker days of the year. Trying to sort out my priorities has become one of my major tasks now, trying to understand my part in the world around me, trying to maintain my sanity and attempting to be as good a father as possible as well.

Some days are better than others. Occasionally I get bogged down in negative feelings and self-doubt, on others I'm more upbeat and somewhat more accepting of myself. Mostly though my days are fairly quiet, relatively stable and clear so I have a bit more perspective about what I'm doing and where I'm going.

I've set myself a number of goals and a number of tasks to be finished within a particular timeframe. My life needs some sort of focus, I've drifted too far and too long, and now the time has come to take charge. I've been granted a disability allowance for at least the next year, in which time I'm expecting myself to fairly and squarely get my act together and made a definite move toward the future in a way that I can feel comfortable with.

Ideas enough and possibilities galore, I still need to muster all the positivism and confidence I can get my hands on, but that's something I'll be seriously working on in the coming months.

Have a great (rest of the) day. Keep well...

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Fractals on Friday

2009-11-20T21:19:00.002+01:00

I'm in a bit of an autumny mood today, and the fractals seem to be heading that way too as well. A little bit minimalist for a change, but there's a quiet elegance here which I've missed for a while amidst the chaos and confusion of the past months. Enjoy!

Keep well...

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Where do we go from here?

2009-11-19T15:08:00.003+01:00

Life's in a mild state of flux at the moment. I've closed a lot of doors behind me, leaving my previous life for what it is and looking forward. My previous employment has been ostensibly terminated, no great loss since it was a great source of disappointment to me for a number of years now. Perhaps I'll now be able to apply my creativity in a better and much more effective way.

Many decisions to be made, some will make themselves along the way but I still need to pay good attention to what I want and what I need in life. I think half the problem in the past arose because I didn't even know what I wanted from life, let alone understand how I could get to doing something meaningful and fulfilling. Now that I've got the opportunity to quieten my mind, look long and carefully at both myself and my place in the world, I might be able to draw the right conclusions for a change.

As they say, time will tell. Keep well...

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Visual poetry

2009-11-18T14:15:00.001+01:00

Something I found today, which I enjoyed very much.

Keep well...

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Future fictions

2009-11-16T11:30:00.005+01:00

There's not much point in worrying about the future, it will take care of itself at some point. In the meantime it seems to be most important that I make the most of the moment, instead of worrying about what tomorrow will be like and wasting time now working towards a future illusion.

Today I was supposed to be at court, to finalise some arrangements to do with child support now the divorce has been settled. It's been planned for a while and although it's not a real big deal it's been niggling away at me for weeks now. I'd done a lot of ground work to get myself effectively prepared, the last couple of days have been a little unsettled and as time went by I caught myself worrying occasionally about what might happen, what kinds of strange twists might emerge and getting myself all worked up about something that was only a figment of my imagination at that moment.

Despite all the best of intentions, I wasn't easily able to shake off my unease and apprehension half the time. I was resigned to whatever might happen but was still bothered by the "what if's" and "perhaps's" I'd tried to prepare myself for. Imagine my surprise, just a few minutes after I'd left the station to go to the court in the next city, when my lawyer called me to tell me that the whole case was off, that my ex-wife had agreed to the settlement as proposed and that her lawyer had faxed this agreement to the wrong number last week so that neither I nor my lawyer knew anything about this until this morning.

This was, once again, a very good lesson for me. Instead of wasting time and energy planning and securing things for a future which probably will change anyway, I could have used my creativity and attention more effectively at that moment to work toward a general future goal, not worrying about particulars or details which might appear or become irrelevant at any given moment.

It's going to be a good day. It's raining, but after that it can only get better.
Keep well...

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Fractals on Friday

2009-11-13T13:48:00.005+01:00

Often words are too much or never enough, unsatisfactory in any which way. Enjoy the silence (...and click on the images for an enlargement)

Keep well...

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Down under

2009-11-12T15:37:00.004+01:00

Once again it feels like I'm back at Ground Zero, trying to contain and at the same time trying to understand the anger that is simmering quietly in the basement of my mind.

Sometimes I'm not so sure of myself.

Keep well...

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¿Que?

2009-11-03T21:09:00.004+01:00

What I mean to say is not always quite the same as what you think you hear.

Keep listening, try to understand each other for a change and keep well...

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Fractals on Friday

2009-10-30T07:20:00.001+01:00

There's a cold wind blowing at the moment, rustling the leaves along to where they need to go and chilling me in the early morning. Autumn is a reflective time of year for me, a time for looking back and preparing me for the months of darkness which are soon to come.

I have a mild fondness for the dark days of the year, even though they've usually been coloured by deep and prolonged mood swings in the past. Even in the cold grey damp of a world waiting patiently for the spring which is to come, there is always the knowledge that even the tiniest light or moment of pleasure can be more memorable than at other times of the year. The crystal clarity of the world I live in, which I missed out on whilst under the comforting anesthetic of alcohol, is becoming more and more apparent day by day, for better and for worse.

Emotions have been all over the place during the last few weeks. I've figured it's not wise to deny or interfere with them by now, so instead of tying myself up in knots about feeling guilty about my anger, getting myself angry about my sadness and the depression which usually follows, loathing the depression itself, fearing the mania which appears and tries to fill the emptiness afterwards to feed my guilt again. I just try to leave them be nowadays, attempt to short circuit the cycle and leave my mind in peace for as long as possible. Nice theory which works reasonably well occasionally but costs me heaps of energy most of the time.

As always, the cycles continue. Day and night, the seasons and my own mood shifts all alternate in their own ways. No matter what I do they always will, the task at hand for me is to figure out how I react to them and get my own act together.

Keep well...

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Drawings in the sand

2009-10-29T21:01:00.000+01:00

Much of what we do or see are but disturbances in the sands of time, each instant infinitely precious yet dissolving into the next moment to leave hardly a trace behind.

Everything changes, in life nothing is permanent and even life itself fades after personal happiness and sorrow have been absorbed into history.

Enjoy the sand art I found on YouTube, made by Kseniya Simonova, a gifted Ukrainian sand artist. The images created contain long and sad stories from her country's history, but also bear the promise of hope and better days to come.

Reflect and remember. Keep well...

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Thought for today

2009-10-28T07:29:00.003+01:00

And then there's the thing about figuring out "who you might have been" might have been.

Keep well...

(in a bit of a meta mood today)

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Elf Fantasy Fair 2009

2009-10-27T08:01:00.003+01:00

This morning I noticed I still had a post on the Elf Fantasy Fair lurking amongst my drafts. Can't for the life of me imagine how that could have happened but considering the fuss and bother of the last few months it must have just slipped through the cracks of my memory somehow.

Never mind though, here's a small sample of a couple of my favourite images, the other three hundred photos of the Elf Fantasy Fair 2009 can be found here.

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Photos of previous Elf Fantasy Fairs can be found at:

Elf Fantasy Fair 2008
Elf Fantasy Fair 2007
Elf Fantasy Fair 2006
Elf Fantasy Fair 2005

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Keep well...

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Fractals on Friday

2009-10-23T20:18:00.008+02:00

I've been having a pretty rough week, all things told. Life has been a little unsettled and somewhat confused, with a lot of issues coming together at the same time which leave me tired and unfocussed. It's just a temporary thing, but one that's distinctly annoying. Perhaps I'm trying to do too much too quickly to get my life back into working order, perhaps I'm just trying to find quieter waters which aren't easily found at the moment. Who knows, perhaps it's just my body processing the events an consternations of the last twenty years in its own way, trying to find a new balance under new circumstances.

Lynn's off to England for a few days, enjoying herself at some cosplay and animé expo there with a couple of friends. As much as I love my daughter, I'm glad she's away for a couple of days because I'm feeling exceedingly drained right now and need a little time on my own. It's a good distraction for her too, after the nonsense and acrimony with her mother last September which left her feeling totally disowned and rejected. Now the divorce is official, perhaps we can all get back to reorganising our lives and stop treading water for a change. I just wish the noise in my head would go away for a while though.

Light therapy seems to have worked well. Since I'm running the circuit of the mental health system anyway, I decided to make use of the facilities available to best advantage. Along with some herbal stuff I seem to finally be getting a good grip on my biorhythms, which have been pretty disturbed for at least 15 years. Most of the nonsense started at the time my father died, my youngest daughter was born, my marriage began visibly decomposing and my being less and less capable of working effectively because of all the noise and confusion in my life. It got to the point that I could only sleep for three or four hours a night, unable to go to sleep and waking up again at ridiculous hours. Sleep deprivation, combined with the alcohol problem, had fucked up most of my body functions by the time I went into treatment last year. My sleep cycles were still pretty irregular, although I had less trouble falling asleep at night but still woke up every morning between 4 and 5 a.m. Now, with a combination of herbal medicine and light therapy I'm better able to regulate how I sleep and I'm feeling much fitter at the moment than I have for many years. A second advantage of light therapy is that it also softens the dysthemia I've suffered most of my life, but which always seems to rear it's ugly head in the autumn and winter months.

I've got a life to catch up on, so many things left undone across the years need attending to. Although I'm feeling deadly tired I'm now able to steer my life on to a course which is to my own advantage, instead of doggedly following the route I'd been required or expected to take. In some ways having been addicted and undergoing psychological/psychiatric treatment have only made me stronger because so many difficulties which have hampered me in the past can be recognised for what they are and addressed effectively on my own terms. No matter what happens, I'm in control now and getting better at it every day.

Keep well...

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A little creativity helps

2009-10-22T07:07:00.007+02:00

An admission ticket Katie brought back from a school excursion in England last week. Certainly an original way to cover operating costs.
(I wonder how much an annual pass could cost...)

Keep well.

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Fractals on Friday

2009-10-16T06:17:00.000+02:00

Images in sepia have a special quality I've often appreciated. In the past I've done a lot of retouching of old photos, restoring a century's worth of damage and resurrecting images of people long gone. Today's fractal left me a little nostalgic, a small throwback to the time I was able to harness my creative powers in a much more effective way, and although I know that these times will come again I'm nevertheless a little sad that it's taking me so long to get my act together properly.

Patience is a virtue, recognising (temporary) obstacles is something I've learned these last years and maintaining hope for better times has helped me survive some chilling moments of despair. This last week has a feeling of being a little halfway between anything and everything. Complications are looming again, but I'm not worrying myself too much at the moment, just taking the moments as they come and as always I know that things will work out well, although perhaps not in a way I'd expect.

Have a great weekend, keep well...

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Rules for Writerers

2009-10-14T15:49:00.000+02:00

I quietly nicked this one from Cheryl's Facebook page, which she seems to have nicked from somewhere else herself. No matter, some good stuff here for all lovers and possible misusers of the English language also.

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For all of you who choose to write your own emails, web posts, articles, press releases and whatever else takes your fancy, here are some guidelines that, if not especially useful, might at least raise a smile.

Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat)
Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
Be more or less specific.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

No sentence fragments.
Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
One should NEVER generalize.
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Don’t use no double negatives.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be ignored.
Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words> however should be enclosed in commas.
Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And finally…
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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Keep well...

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The thirty year holiday, and beyond...

2009-10-13T20:01:00.006+02:00

Today, thirty years ago, I arrived here in the Netherlands on what appears to have become a very extended holiday. As a shy and naive nineteen-year old at the time, I had very little idea of what I was letting myself in for, what I was doing or where I was headed at the time. Just as well I guess.

The world was wide open for me at the time. I had done my best to leave my past behind me and had started drifting, in all sorts of geographical, mental and emotional ways. Perhaps it wasn't the wisest thing to have done at the time, but following my impulses and my intuition I blundered off with much enthusiasm to seek my own destiny and make my very own, home-grown, brand of mistakes.

Nevertheless, I've got to wondering recently, in the aftermath of several eventful and dislocating years. The realisation dawned upon me that the whole distinction between good and bad choices is an artificial and distinctly unhelpful one. As it is, a particular choice can only be made once and the consequences are binding, no matter how regrettable they might be in hindsight. Consequences may be desirable, less than desirable or totally undesirable, the fact remains that I need to deal with them on the basis of my situation in life at that moment. There's no good or bad in the end, just the need to deal with the issues that arise.

Quietly I suspect that the choices made that spawn the least desirable consequences, are those that eventually become the most enriching ones in life, often exposing weaknesses and flaws in the comfortable complacency I secretly longed for but which ultimately offered little of lasting value spiritually. On a coarser level it could be said that my making "mistakes" offers me the opportunity to look around and re-evaluate what I'm doing, where I'm going and where I'm at, instead of allowing myself to revel in a "feel-good" rut on the garden path of least resistance.

The world is still wide open for me because my eyes have been opened to finally be able to see what I was supposed to have been doing all along. I've lost a lot in the last thirty years during my travels along the highways and byways of life, but in many ways I've gained even more along the way. Better late than never, one might say.

Keep well...

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Fractals on Friday

2009-10-09T06:41:00.004+02:00

The eyes play many a strange trick upon me from time to time. I see things that I think are there, allow the illusions which dance before me to assume a reality that isn't there and all too often see the things I simply wish to see, ordering the chaos in the way I'm most comfortable with.

My mind is often the same, bending facts to fit preconceptions and personal wishes, supporting often subtle predjudices and home-grown mindsets. I think part of my growing up is taking the time to stop, consider and question why I believe something in the way I do, look for alternative explanations and most of all realise that there might be some six billion plus other solutions to the same problems.

I take issue with those who cling desperately to fixed points of view, labouring under the assumption that if you change your mind you're weak and wishy-washy. I'd venture to say one might be almost recklessly brave to challenge the givens and accepted modes of processing information, which have been unforgivingly branded into our psyche's before we even got a chance to think things through for ourselves. I'd also say that trying to defend fixed points of view against all odds is more a sign of fear and insecurity, unwillingness and/or inability to look beyond the boundaries of the confortable, self-contained reality constructed for oneself, to the exclusion of all others.

Just a couple of thoughts this morning, based on a couple of fractal illusions and ending up in a quick excursion into rant mode which already causing me some difficulty. My attention span is not much longer than that of a brick at the moment, still a lot going on and a lot to do at the moment, to get my life effectively back on track and hopefully back into more focussed times as well.

Keep well...

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Running the race, looking forward

2009-09-29T17:49:00.010+02:00

Once again, a little unashamed self profiling after a lot of training for a new race. This time a 10 mile (16.1 km) run between two major city centres, one of the major running events in the country. This was the first time I've tried this distance and was a little worried if I'd be able to complete the distance. This was a race I'd been dreaming of running for at least 15 years, but for many and various reasons never got to doing.

Our team.
I shouldn't have worried too much though, the run went extremely well although I experienced a good deal of tiredness in the second half of the race. At the start the weather was very hot, with much of the initial course being run on open highway and through a major arterial tunnel.

In the tunnel.
After about the first 4 kilometres though, the course entered more shaded areas, which made running a lot easier. Lots of people along the way to cheer the runners on, in villages and residential areas, with more than enough opportunities for water and fruit as well.

My placing and (interval) times.
After a while I hardly noticed the supporters any more, I was pretty focussed on just finishing the race which was becoming more and more difficult for me. After having passed the 8 kilometre point things became a little easier, although I was troubled by fatigue after the 10 kilometre point. That was strange though, since my average time was up slightly between 10 and 15 kilometres so probably I was running more on willpower than anything else at that moment.

A bar diagram of the 2.5 km intervals.
After the 14 kilometre point was passed, the scent of success gave me a lot of extra energy and a stimulus to put in an even greater effort in the last stages of the race. At one point I was nearly pushed over by someone when the road narrowed while trying to pass me at a point where it was hardly possible, which broke my concentration and caused a good deal of distraction for a couple of minutes.

About 300 metres from the finish.
The last 500 metres were amazing. I was putting in all the energy I'd reserved earlier in the race, the crowd was amazing in pushing us all along and I almost flew past the other runners who were around me. Unfortunately I hadn't realised that the last stretch before the finish was almost all uphill, hidden behind a bend in the road. Having used up almost all my energy it took all I could give to get to the top of the gradient and into the last 150 metres in which I blazed to the finish.

The crowds at the finish.
This race was the conclusion of months of preparation. Although I hadn't been feeling all that well in the week before race and had had serious reservations about pushing myself all that hard, I found that managing a realistic tempo and keeping a good eye on my pulse rate helped me achieve the best result possible.

The medal, with a representation of the entry to the tunnel.
Once again, a major achievement I can be proud of and once again proof that I've left my addiction well and truly behind me. Things have never looked better, even though there's still an enormous amount of work to be done. Keep well...

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Fractals on Friday

2009-09-25T08:04:00.001+02:00

A million meanderings and sidetracks, a mindmap of disturbed days. I've taken a different path for a change, escaping the familiar and well worn tracks of daily life to go my own way for a while. The images have intrigued and confused me, but I'm comfortable with them in a way I'm not often wont to do.
(Click on the images for an enlargement).

Keep well...

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Fractals on Friday

2009-09-11T07:19:00.004+02:00

Events have been taking place thick and fast during the last couple of weeks. I fear the distractions will continue for some time unfortunately, yet for all the bother and noise in my life I'm feeling more consistently peaceful under the changes, than at any other part of my life to date.

A beautiful summer is quietly subsiding into a warm and somewhat volatile autumn. The colours of change are starting to appear, rain and sunshine alternate with rapid ease, the geese are becoming more and more unsettled as time progresses and the freshness of the morning has an awakening quality I've missed these last few months.

I've been learning to appreciate the small things in life more fully, to reciprocate smiles and give of my own, watch plants grow, to go for walks and leave the rest of the day behind me, to soak up the sun and be glad of the moment as it is.

The dreams have finally returned, now I'm able to sleep more deeply and more effectively with each passing night. One is given to wondering though, about so many shards and shreds of the past mixed up with confused moments of day to day reality. I've taken to writing down the events of my dreamtime wanderings, to discover the threads and running jokes being played out in my subconscious mind. Very enlightening, sometimes worrying and all too often annoyingly incomprehensible.

One action I've taken during the last few months, which seems to be bearing fruit, is that I now refuse to take on the "troubles of the world". One of the major problems in my life has been the processing of the immense, incessant bombardment of information, from the moment I come downstairs in the morning to the time I go to bed at night. My bedroom has become the place in the meantime where the rest of the world has disappeared, where nothing else is important any more. In daily life I feel little, if any, need to busy myself with newspapers, news reports or non-focussed gathering of information in whatever form, shape or size. It doesn't help me one bit to overload myself with the perils and plights of existance around the globe, as devastating and heartbreaking though they might be. Suffering exists and will always exist, but to my mind, my time and energy are best used addressing issues on a local and personal, one-to-one or one-to-few level.

I've given up on trying to be all things to all people, after having realised that I'd been my own worst enemy in the past, trying to please everybody all the time, leaving them disappointed and driving myself to despair. Once again the focus is back on basics, attempting to rebuild bridges in my daily life I'd all too eagerly let fall into disrepair in the past. If someone else isn't happy with my efforts or performance, we can talk about it but in the end it isn't my problem if I'm convinced I'm doing the right things in the right way.

And so it goes. The place is here and the moment is now. There's a new day to be lived and although every breath breathed is one less in my life there's a peaceful optimism about what's to come. I sometimes wish I'd discovered this thirty years ago...

Have a great day, keep well...

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Lost in Australia

2009-08-23T05:16:00.001+02:00

Somewhere in the middle of Australia, probably as far from anywhere you could possibly get.

Hope the natives are friendly (both of them).

Keep well...

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