Muses of a Monkey Playing Cymbals

I know it's horribly wrong, but...

2008-02-08T21:25:00.000-08:00

Rough Monkey

2008-01-30T20:03:00.000-08:00

Happy to be back

2008-01-09T22:06:00.000-08:00

The muse is back baby!

I am not into squirrels

2007-05-04T10:27:00.000-07:00

For the record, I have not now, nor have I ever been involved with a squirrel. That would be a bad habit. And I'm not nuts.

Growing up a monkey

2007-03-14T08:50:00.000-07:00

I have always known that I was different than those around me, especially as a child.

Monkey Freedom!

2007-02-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

Now, I want you to remember that no monkey ever won a verbal war by choking on his own feces. He won it by making the other poor dumb monkey choke on his own feces. All this stuff you’ve heard about monkeys not wanting to write, wanting to stay out of the blogs, is a lot of horse dung. Monkeys traditionally love to chatter. All real Monkeys love the sting of verbal battles. When you were little apes, you all admired the champion feces flinger, the fastest chatter, the big league banana eater, the toughest flea picker. Monkeys love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Monkeys play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a monkey who lost and laughed. That’s why Monkeys have never lost and will never lose a verbal war. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Monkeys.

Now, some people think writing should be done by a team blog. They live, eat, sleep, and write as a team. But this team blogging stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about team blogging don’t know anything more about real blogging than they do about fornicating.

We have the finest similes and quips, the best spirit and the best monkeys in the world. You know, by God I actually pity those poor blogging bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to shoot the bastards, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the keys of our keyboards. We’re going to murder those lousy blog bastards by the bushel.

Now, some of you monkeys, I know, are wondering whether or not you'll chicken out under verbal fire. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The My Space bastards are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's haiku, you'll know what to do.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. Let the political crap blogs do that. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose.

There’s one thing that you monkeys will be able to say when you get back home. And you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what did you do in the great blog wars, you won’t have to say, "Well, I shoveled shit in Louisiana."

Alright now, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. Oh, and I will be proud to lead you wonderful apes into verbal battle – anytime, anywhere.

That’s all.

Vanilla Monkey

2007-02-05T11:43:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what all the fuss is about regarding vanilla. It makes a great banana split.

Even monkeys get the blues

2007-01-16T21:26:00.000-08:00

Monkey Style

2006-11-16T21:16:00.000-08:00

I may have used too much gel.

Catch me if you can

2006-10-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some bananas and a fine Chianti. Chee...cheee...cheee...cheee....

Cousins

2006-09-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

Even a Monkey Playing Cymbals has a few skeletons in his closet he would just as soon not get out.

Monkey Playing Yin and Yang

2006-09-20T16:07:00.000-07:00

Some would say I have a banana split personality!

Monkey Macarena

2006-09-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

Humans see, humans do.

Crazy Eyes M. Flava

2006-09-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

Mank see, mank do.

Possession is 9/10 of the law

2006-09-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

The Kong Show

2006-08-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

Infinite Humans

2006-08-12T21:34:00.000-07:00

The infinite human theorem states that a human randomly hitting keys on a keyboard for an infinite amount of time will, according to mathematics, type or create just about any text that has been or will be written. It is popular to assign the humans the entire works of Stephen King (apparently the monkeys get a little pissy if you ask them to tap out the entire works of Shakspeare).

It dawned on me today that blogging is nothing but the infinite human theorem being put into practice. There is an infinite number of you humans out there tapping away randomly at your keyboards in truly what seems to be an infinite number of blogs. And mathematics tells us that sooner or later one of you is going to type out something great. But the bitch is, that it is just dumb luck...er I mean the laws of probibility...that will create the work.

I find this discouraging. In the words of Cornelius in Planet of the Apes, "I'm a Chimp, not a Gorilla." I'm just going to come out and lay it on the line: there are too many blogs. Just because you can type and have a computer, doesn't mean you are a writer. I own some pretty nice cymbals, but I don't fancy myself to be Buddy Rich.

I'm here to say, enough is enough. Back away from your keyboards and stop dancing humans.

Everybody has something to hide...

2006-08-09T12:11:00.001-07:00

Except for me and my sock monkey.

Brains

2006-08-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

Obviously, I am the brains of this blog. Or at least I eat them. Pleasant dreams!

Big Buffoon

2006-06-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

Shroud of Monkey

2006-06-22T12:37:00.000-07:00

The Monkey King

2006-06-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Sun Wukong (Traditional Chinese: 孫悟空; Simplified Chinese: 孙悟空; Hanyu Pinyin: Sūn Wùkōng; Wade-Giles: Sun Wu-k'ung; also surn vukorn), the Monkey King, is perhaps the most famous and beloved fictional character in all of classical Chinese literature and the main character in Journey to the West. A magician, priest, ruler, sage, and warrior in the shape of a monkey, he is the mischievous protagonist of Journey to the West, based on popular tales dating back to the Tang dynasty. The novel narrates his adventures from birth, in particular how he accompanied the monk Xuanzang, also known as Sanzang (the one who fetch the scrolls), Tangseng (younger brother of the Tang) and Tripitaka (three baskets, in reference to the three baskets he carried when he returned), to retrieve Buddhist sutras from India. Some scholars believe he is basedupon the legend of Hanuman, the Indian monkey hero from the ancient Ramayana epic.
--Wikipedia

So much for you Mr. Stephen "King." Now we know who the real King is! I fling royal feces at you..ha, ha, ha, ha....

Send in the monkeys, instead

2006-06-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

Monkey do...

2006-06-09T12:23:00.000-07:00

Praise the banana

2006-05-23T06:07:00.000-07:00

Those of you who are free from sin may cast the first banana.