Barlet Starlet's Life Less Ordinary

Whubba-whubba-whubba-whubba

2007-01-17T13:58:00.000-05:00

...and hence, that noise has marked the beginning / end of the rest of our lives.

We have a heartbeat!

Rereading my last post, I realize it came across as quite negative, and that's not what I wanted to come across. I think "shock", "disbelief", "extreme excitement" and my favourite "pure, gut-wrenching terror" actually combined to form a quite depressing little post about the baba, aka. the nugget of impending doom.

I do love this though. I really, really do!

I haven't had any morning sickness, touch wood, and nothing to complain about except massive boobs. MH does not have the same complaint.

I'm due on August 11th, have secured an OB, am planning to renovate the living room, family room, walk in closets, bathroom and, oh yeah, the nursery, before the blessed event. What could be better than a 6 month pregnant lady tiling a floor? Nothing I say!

I am woman! I can do anything!! Except tell my boss!!!

in a sing song voice I'm TERR-IFIED!

2006-12-28T15:25:00.000-05:00

K, so I haven't written in a while. Nothing interesting of any note, trust me.

Then, horror of blessed horrors, I find out that I'm preggo.

Knocked up.

Damaged goods.

Tin roof. Rusted.

It's GOOD! It really is good, but damn, I don't think I'm ready. I mean, I'm ready, but I'll never really be ready, right?

So I sit here, almost 8 weeks gone. Terrified. Scared pooh-less.

MH is so very, very supportive. He thinks it's soon too, but hey, we're married, it will never ever be the best time to do this, there will always be something. He has barely let me out of his sight since I told him, two weeks ago. We told all of the various parents on Christmas Eve and Day, to various amounts of success. Mum was thrilled, wailing like a Jewish bubbie in the kitchen. Dad and Step-Mum were less so, but attempted to look happy. MIL and FIL were thrilled but less than we thought they would be, as they had been pushing us since the hour after our wedding to have kids.

So, that's it in a nutshell. I'm happy, pukey, and general shit-scared. Good times.

You Tube Late Night Thoughts

2006-10-22T00:12:00.000-04:00

OK, so not really late night, as I'm still on Pacific Time, and it's actually only 9pm here (12pm midnight back home) but hell, I'm trapped in a hotel room watching You Tube. Yeah, last night I said I'd got to the end of the internet and guess what? I found You Tube! Now I have at least three more hours of internet based entertainment.

I can't help but feel a) empowered and similtaneously b) saddened by the videos I've been watching. Some are so powerful you just feel like weeping. Some, well, damn they are funny. Regardless, I feel inspired and want to buy a video camera!

Away from home

2006-10-20T23:03:00.000-04:00

Sitting in a hotel room in Victoria, BC. I always thought that travelling for work would be fun, and to an extent, it is. It's the work part that ain't so rosy. It would be very different if I was with coworkers, but I'm not. I was sent all by my lonesome, while 10 coworkers are yukking it up in Alberta. Every hour or so I get a message or email, saying "We MISS you! We're having SO much FUN!" and worst of all "wish you were here!!". Fab that they think of me that way. Boo that I'm in Victoria.

Hotel rooms are fun / not fun too. You come back to a tidy room, fresh sheets, and the prospect of room service. Sounds great in theory. Then you realize that you have no-one to come home to, no regular comforts (it's hard to get something as simple as a bottle of water or soda), no cats to snuggle with, and no real distractions except TV and internet. I believe I found the end of the internet last night...it really is full of crap, it's true.

I do love how being away from MH makes me feel. I feel much more grateful for what I have, and long to be back with him. It makes me feel good about us, and it's been a while since I've felt that "yes, this is the guy I long for". I love him so much, but sometimes you need a bit of distance to bring that into perspective.

I have to go through tomorrow, Sunday, and Monday before I come home. It's going to be tough, but I'm hoping that it will help us, in the long term.

Things haven't been 100% smooth over the past month or so. I feel so overworked that I simply can't relax at home. MH has responded by being curt and acting like I'm hurting him, because I have to work at home sometimes. I respond to that badly! It's been a bit of a vicious circle. I feel that he is not helping out around the house enough, as I have so much to deal with at work, then I have to come home and do dishes, laundry, clean litter boxes, and generally tidy while he watches tv. But this is his way of exerting control (not that he'd admit it). We had a bit of a blow up the other day because he insisted I hadn't informed him about something, when I had. Several times. The particulars of the conversation that did / did not happen are not relevent...it is the way he reacts in these situations that is. He can't be wrong. But he was. Therein lies the rub. I also can't stand to be wrong, but in this instance, I was 100% right. And he treated me like I was some sort of delusional, idiotic crazy person. THAT, I won't stand for. But I walked away, because I know these things never turn out in my favour. Then he accused me of losing something unimportant, because, since I control all of the paper in our house (by default), and I am his personal assistant, I must be incompetant as well as crazy. That drives me nutso. Trust me, I hate being his filing cabinet / scheduler / personal assistant / banking agent / diary etc, but if I don't do it, the gas gets shut off from failure to pay, and his mother stops talking with us because he forgot her birthday. Anyway, to say that one piece of paper has gone missing in almost five years of our relationship...I'd say I'm pretty damn good at my "job". But now I'm incompetant.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I need this time. I need to find the "need" for MH. And sleeping 5000 miles away may just give me that. So this whole thing is a blessing, and very much a curse.

Now, I'm going to go and have my cheese plate. It may be a curse to be in a hotel, but it does have some random perks!

"Let's start over"

2006-10-18T13:40:00.000-04:00

...one person said to the other, extending their hand as if for the first time, although it most certainly was not. She wanted to begin afresh, and so she began.

"My name is Barlet. I'm 29 years old and live in Pickering Ontario. I spend much of my time worrying about my appearance, working too hard, and waxing philosophical. I have a lot of acquaintances, and hardly any good friends. I wanted to be a ballerina when I grew up, and when I did grow up I had grown too much (outwards). As a result I have a fantastic rack, but no ballet career. I don't believe in religion, but I am spiritual. My biggest peeve is when someone tells me I am wrong, but I am not. It makes me feel small and uneducated, even though I hold a Masters with Honours from the number 3 University in the UK. It plays upon how I feel about myself, deep down, and I dislike that too. I am in charge of all of the money, paper, bills, and scheduling for my "family" which is exhausting at times. My family consists of MH, my husband, and our two cats. I love my husband very much, and am very happy. While I am a happy person by nature, I am also very emotional and am prone to crying. This makes things awkward, especially during performance appraisal time at work. But I have gotten better. I am / was terminally shy, which people told me comes off as snotty and aloof. I am not snotty, nor aloof. I am scared of you. I don't know why that is, it just is. Over time, I have gotten better, but I still cannot look people in the eye when I enter somewhere like a work cafeteria. I don't know why. I stare straight ahead as if focused on my task. People used to tell me to smile a lot. Strangers in the street would tell me. I thought I'd look a bit bizarre walking around with a grin, so I do not smile, but I do turn the corners of my mouth up when I walk around, to prevent the appearance of unhappiness. Although I am happy. Ironic. People also used to say that I had the bluest eyes they've ever seen. They do not say that anymore. Typing that last sentence made me sad. I work for a large company, that publishes books. It is a great job, and while I am extremely happy, I also work damn hard. This puts a strain on my relationship with MH, especially recently, as he does not feel the same level of commitment to his own job. I love to scrapbook in my spare time, but I feel a lack of creativity sometimes. I feel as if I am a different person than the person I was at 16, at 18, at 21. This is a blessing and a curse. I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and think "what happened to the girl who used to write poetry?". I try and work out quite a bit, but it never really happens. Something always comes up. I love to eat. I am a good weight for my height, and I have always been a very healthy person in general, despite what I eat. If I could eat one food for the rest of my life, it would probably be a Big Mac. Or cake, because cake spans so many different varieties, I'd never get bored. The only bone I've ever broken wasn't really a bone, it was my nose. I've never been anorexic, depressed (to my knowledge), or have done anything detrimental to myself except eat Big Macs and drink to excess on occasion. I have smoked one cigarette (to prove a point to someone...the point was missed by that someone) and have never done drugs. I still have a teddy bear from my childhood that sits on my shelf, and I felt guilty that I bought one just like him in mint condition from eBay. I felt it insulted him. I sometimes think I'm mentally ill. I have a bad habit of "racing" cars going the opposite direction to the light poles in the middle of the highway. I don't accelerate, I just see who will get there first. It is a little too OCD for my liking. I have very few "things", certainly in comparison to others. There is very little that I "must" do, eat, see, touch, not do, not eat, not seem not touch, during my daily life. I cannot understand high maintenance people. I don't like having polish on my fingernails, although if I do, I stare at them all day. I then feel very grown up. I am terminally unfashionable, and wish I could just let loose and buy something fabulous, but I can't. I want lots of children, but I'm scared to start. I don't talk about huge life issues with MH. We had never spoken once about marriage until he got down on one knee. Perhaps we will not talk about children until I see the plus sign on a plastic stick. MH frustrates me at times, at I think he can be overly confident to the point of arrogance. But I say nothing because I know he is overcompensating. He is a very self conscious person, and has low self-esteem. I sometimes think I have low self esteem, but then I'll look at myself occasionally and say "Damn, I'm ridiculously good looking". The moment then passes. People find me attractive, which I think is hilarious. I miss my grandparents and wish I couldn't have known them better. I cry at their graves. I hope they are proud of me. My mother and I have come to an understanding, but she doesn't know it. I have decided that her life is hers, and I will no longer worry for her. I feel like a mother to her, which makes me sad. I have a problem with other women not liking me. The best explanation I have received of this was from good friends of mine, female and male. They say that other women are jealous of me because I have a great job, make great money, have a nice house, a handsome husband, and am pretty. I like that explanation, true or not. But it still hurts when women turn on me, for no reason. There seems to be a contest as to who can bring me down, and while no one has won yet, they are trying very hard. I have lots of very good friends from my childhood and we are still very much in touch, even though we don't see each other very often. I miss them. I don't understand why I haven't met anyone as a friend (except MH) who likes me for who I am. I think I am a nice person, and I like myself. I am very kind to animals, and I appreciate all life. I have a complete intolerance for racism, sexism, creedism, and jerks. I especially find it horrible that people cannot tolerate gay people. Shouldn't we all just let love happen? I swear a lot, and people find that amusing. I find myself amusing, in a good and bad way. I laugh at myself a lot, but sometimes I laugh at my own jokes, which I suppose is a little immodest. I am immodest. Externally I act nonchalant about praise, but inside I am much more confident about my abilities. I do not speak any other languages except English, although I studied French and Spanish. I went to a private school, which I hated. I have posed naked, and acted on stage topless. I have taken stripper lessons and loved it. I often think it would be easy to streak a ballgame, strip on stage, or walk down the street naked, but since I've never done any of it, it is obviously not easy for me. I have an overly developed sense of law and justice. I must have fairness is all that is around me, and despise unfairness. I believe fully in karma, and have stored up much in the Buddha bank. I am extremely law abiding. I have two passports, but one is expired. I went through a phase as a teenager where I loved fish, and have many, many fish related items. I have one tattoo on my ankle of a starfish, which I love even 5 years later. I would like another at some point. I fear that my marriage to MH won't last, but then I am newly committed to making it work. I drive an SUV which work pays for, but I pay the taxes on it. I love it, which makes me feel eco-guilty. My favourite holiday is Christmas, and season is Fall. I would love to be Martha Stewart. I've always wanted to see Japan, and live near the ocean. My favourite place I've visited was Assateague Island, where I watched wild horses run on the beach. My least favourite place is either Blackpool or my ex's apartment. I've cheated numerous times on my boyfriends, but never on my MH. The worst thing I ever did was carry on two serious relationships simultaneously. I never felt guilty, which makes me feel guilty. I had a strange preoccupation with Disney when I was a young teenager, especially Alice in Wonderland. I collect Alice books, and still look out for them when I go to antique markets. I lost my virginity at 16 to a boyfriend of 6 months. I cried afterwards because I realized you could never go back. I have a scar on my chin where I put my teeth through after falling off my chair. I have lots of small chicken pox scars on my body, and white scars on my ankles from a flea infestation we had in the house when I was a child. I listen to the news voraciously. I hate speaking on the phone and prefer the medium of email. I watch way too much TV, and have since I was a little girl. I’m just not that into sex, and don’t know why. My most prized possession is a picture that was given to me by an ex. The only unfortunate thing about it is that it was given to me by an ex. I hope one day to go to Japan, and I really hope I get a culture shock. I am ashamed of the world sometimes and want to kick its butt. But I must start with my own. I worry about getting breast cancer, and I worry about how long I have with my parents. I am the oldest of five children, and that’s ok with me, even though I always wanted an older brother to take care of me. I’ve always wanted to marry someone with a last name that you can shorten to one letter, like on television. I’ve always wanted to be “Mrs. P”, but it didn’t work out. My maiden name is very rare, and there are only a few of us worldwide. I love my family, but sometimes I don’t like them very much. I think I missed out of much when I was a child, compared to one of my siblings. Life has been a comfortable struggle for me. I’m quite smart, although I was an average student. I love to write and wish I’d get my act together and write what I need to put down. I sometimes wonder where all of my beloved possessions from childhood went…are they in a dump, decomposing somewhere? Do they realize how much I loved those things? I often wonder where my ex’s are now, and secretly wish they are thinking of me too. I’ve said “I love you” to many boyfriends, but I didn’t know what the words meant. I know someone who has a crush on me, but never admitted it. I contribute to a few chat boards, and like being heard. I would have liked to go into politics but there is too much dirt on me. I dance really well for an amateur. I am my family’s glue. That last statement probably isn’t true. I aspire to greatness. I am still convinced I’ll win something one day. I am a good person”

Pleased to meet you.

TMI

2006-06-05T09:52:00.000-04:00

So, I'm now officially "off the pill" and no, not for the real reason one would decide to go off it. I am fed up of being messed around hormonally. I've begun to really *feel* a difference in my body, like I am moving the wheel around on a car, but I'm actually on some form of rail...it doesn't matter where I steer, because my body is on auto-pilot because of the pills.

I feel out of control of myself, unable to quite manage myself 100%. If this was any more pronounced, I may even say that I feel like a split personality, that there are simply two of me in here, both out of control to varying degrees.

So, I'm off. Other methods of birth control don't exactly appeal, but we'll have to make do. No little Barlets running around in the near future!

Tick-Tock

2006-05-24T13:51:00.000-04:00

I've developed a twitch (or tick) in my left hand. ANNOYING! These things usually develop for me after a bout with stress, when I am back in recovery mode. I think that my muscles get so tight for so long when stressed, that as soon as I start to relax a tiny bit, either my eye or my hand gets a mind of its own. It's like coming down with a cold the second you get on holiday...one moment of letting go and your body lets go completely.

The business I am in is extremely cyclical. Summers are dead quiet, Septembers are murder, end of year (as with every business with a bottom line) is hellish. And May is, well, just brutal. So I am glad to see the end of it, and my hand twitching at least spells a winding down towards summer.

The whole summer is now stretched out in front of me...hopefully a series of days and weekends of sun, languidity and softball, maybe a theme park or two, and lots of walking. Sounds like heaven. MH and I always promise to spend more of the summer out and about, so I hope this summer is less like the last (promising but never coming through with our outdoorsy committments). My brother arrives in late August (yesterdays most extravagant purchase...a plane ticket for his b-day) and I look forward to the planning of that too...to share some of Canada with him by himself. More on this later.

So, tick (literally) tock, time passes, and days get longer. 29 degrees promised for Sunday. I just hope it all follows through.

Twiddling thumbs...

2006-05-11T00:39:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in a hotel room in London, Ontario...between wanting o go to sleep and needing to go to sleep. I have only 6 hours until I am to have breakfast and depart for a conference. What to do if I am unable to sleep. I wish I had more time, maybe some wine. I had got quite drunk on the weekend and actually got sick (which is unusual) because I suppose my internal "stop" button got stuck on "keep drinking". I actually passed out in my room with MH and a friend downstairs. It was a safe environment but embarrasing nonetheless. Now I am wishing for a bit more to drink.

My grandmother was an alcoholic. This bothers me. I hear alcoholism runs in the family, which worries me further. Do alcoholics know that they are? However, I also know that I am NOT an alcoholic. I don't need a drink. I don't drink every day. I barely drink once a week. But tonight I'd like a drink. And yes, that worries me.

Away from MH, the world seems smaller, and less complete. I miss him. But I like missing him, as it makes me remember that I love him. I will always love him, but it is nice to be jarred out of your comfort zone of "loving" to "missing being loved". I will look forward to going home.

Reeling, busy, getting fat...

2006-05-04T16:24:00.000-04:00

Life is so busy and hectic right now, that I'm getting fat. Now, considering the daring depths of weight loss that I undertook to be radiant for our wedding day, it was only natural that I'd gain some weight...I couldn't maintain it forever. However, I am now getting distinctly podgy. And no, it's not a "I'm so in love, I'm getting fat" type of thing (although yes, I am in love) but rather a work-too-much-take-work-home-too-exhausted-to-exercise-I'll-just-watch-America's-Next-Top-Model-instead type of weight gain.

I do have to work on the handles, I just can't be arsed.

Lucky Number Slate

2006-04-07T15:12:00.000-04:00

We are in the process of thinking about considering discussing working towards starting home renovations. We are significantly closer to it than last week, when we were only pondering a twinkle-in-the-eye of thinking about considering discussing working towards starting home renovations. We went to look at tile, which is absolutely the wrong thing to do. The ensuing conversation went something like this:

(We enter tile store and stand still for about 3 minutes)
Me: Ok, so what room are we thinking about doing?
MH: Hmmm. The kitchen?
Me: Ok. So, are we putting new tile down before we put in the new cupboards? Because we can't afford new cupboards.
MH: Right. Ok, not the kitchen yet then.
Me: I was thinking bathroom.
MH: Ok, what do you want to do with the bathroom?
Me: Well, since we're replacing the whole thing, I guess we should choose a scheme.
MH: A scheme? You mean a colour?
Me: Well, yes, but we need a theme.
MH: I thought you said scheme?
Me: I did, ok, well, what colour then?
MH: What are you thinking?
Me: I was thinking a greeny, seaglass, whites and...and (slowing down as I see his "icky" face)...and maybe instead we could do a beige-y, all-natural, rock slate tile, wood, shells...and...aaaaaannnnd....
MH: What are we doing here?

So, we are back to pondering a twinkle-in-the-eye of thinking about considering discussing working towards starting home renovations. It's all chicken and egg really. We'll know what we like when we see it, but won't see it until it's in our space. Hmmm.

The photos are in!!

2006-04-03T12:18:00.000-04:00

The photos from the wedding are back and....

I look slim!!!

I look slim, I look slim, I look slim!!
Haha!! If the camera does add 10 pounds then I wasn't just slim, I was skinny!!

Hahahahahaha!

Only a girl can understand this post...

Just when you think things are normal again...

2006-03-23T15:49:00.000-05:00

My sweet friend, L, travelled to my wedding all the way from England, which was very nice and totally unexpected. Of course that DID mean that I had to also go to witness her marriage, a mere 6 weeks later. After just paying for my own wedding, it was a little painful to put down the credit card for the flight, the gift and the car rental but hey, what are friends for? I was really looking forward to seeing her married on March 25th.

So, Monday rolls around and I get a call...they'd called off the wedding. I don't expect an explanation, but wow, that's big news. I can't even imagine what she's going through, even though it was a mutual decision.

So, I can't get any money back from the flight so I'm still going, but it's going to be a weird little trip. See, I could only take three days off work, so this is a real whistlestop visit, and one that I really am loathe (financially anyway) to take right now. Work is crazy and I'd just rather not spend the money on three days. But hey, here it is and here I am.

But I do get enormous motherly brownie points, as I will be at home for Mothering Sunday (English Mother's Day). But $1000 is a lot to spend on brownie points, no?

Duh...

2006-03-23T15:37:00.000-05:00

I meant to post something very retrospective and interesting on February 23rd, the anniversary of this blog.

Instead I wrote an entry entitled "I'm BAAACK!"

Actually, that makes good sense...I'm back in business! Or, as my Scottish friends would say:

"You're all shoulders back, tets oot, moving forward"

Ironic moment: I've decided to write the "next great novel". Work starts tonight as soon as I get on the plane. Read February 23rd 2005 entry for insight.

Out of the mouth of a babe...

2006-03-21T10:56:00.000-05:00

Darling husband turns to me last night, after regaling him with the latest tales of "the world done do me wrong" and says:

"Women can be fucking bitches sometimes"

So succinct.

The downside of anger...

2006-03-20T15:34:00.000-05:00

Not sure if I've blogged about this before, but it seems to be a recurring theme in my life, so maybe a second blog is worth the effort.

I went to a psychic once. I am not really that way inclined, and my beliefs are a little up in the air as to that sort of stuff, but my friend dared me so I went. He was an interesting little man, and I felt similtaneously that I was being had, AND that I was staring at the only person in the world who could really determine my karmic worth. It was a real "what is my mettle" type of moment.

He told me several things, only some of which stick in my mind (which is , in my skeptic opinion, a way that psychics work...they get you to remember the stuff that APPLIES to you, not the other way around, so you leave convinced that it's all true). What stuck in my mind the most was this: I was destined to be tested, constantly and without warrant. He said that people surround me who wish me ill. Not just people right now, but that there would always be someone in my future, waiting to bring me down. He told me that I was a shining star, and if there is one thing about a shining star it is that it brings out the best and worst in people...and that there will always be someone whose LIFE GOAL, whose karmic reason for being, is to pluck the shining star from the sky.

Something about that stuck. Not only that I was (in his opinion) a shining star in life, but that there were people made / created / that come about, with the specific life goal to take me down.

Then I think back at the frigging trials I have had all through life. How seemingly EASY it is for me to make enemies. Not just any enemy either, oh no...I make enemy-to-the-grave, bind-your-powers, ruin-your-life type enemies. People that I seem to have done SO WRONG that they make it a mission to blight my existance. Bull, you say? Exaggeration? Maybe a little for dramatic effect, but not much.

The girl when I left college: I asked the advice of mutual friends of ours, when her boyfriend tried to hit on me when he dropped me off at home one night. Should I tell her? The answer was no. They told her anyway, and she proceeded to ruin my reputation amongst mutual friends and the whole bloody town. Result: I'm a tramp, friendless and alone. The unfairness of it all.

The boss: Being asked to limit my bathroom breaks, not take lunch, get no benefits, no pay-raise, asked to run an entire business on my own, put up with her pregnancy bullshit, shut up and take it. When I found a better job and gave my two weeks notice, she flipped, went mental and didn't pay me for my final week. Ensured that my name was mud in the industry. I had to take her to court to get my final pay check.

The work-mate: After being partnered with a girl in a marketing class, and being stood up by her umpteen times when we were meant to partner to do a group project, I finally wrote the damn thing myself and submitted it as a solo project. She flips out, demands credit on the paper with zero work (actually, minus work because she took up my work time while I was waiting for her to show up), and gets it. Cusses me out and makes the entire class think I'm some sort of prima-donna bitch. Bonus points for irony: I joined the after work classes to try and make more friends.

The second boss: Simply decided that I needed to be taken down. No reason. She joked about me, my personal life, micro-managed me (when I was the person in least need of micromanagement) and generally put me down at any available opportunity. Luckily, she was fired after 2 years of hell.

Coordinator: Decided in November that MF and I were too big for our britches (for no reason). Decides to start badmouthing us around town. I still cannot fathom how this came about. When she completely drops the ball the week of our wedding (i.e. missing our wedding rehearsal, messing up practically everything) I call her on it. Instead she turns the tables and says that WE were a nightmare and we were lucky she didn't leave us high and dry...and everyone believes her. So, we are out a couple of thousand, and we're the bad guys. Nice.

The end result of this is just a huge big ball of anger in me. I feel that it is all so unfair. Even more unfair is that, the more you talk about it, the more people start to believe that YES, I am a bitch and deserve everything I get. I can only say so many times "I'm NICE, I'm a NICE person...I care about people and treat them with respect and try, every day to be fair and non-judgemental". But people are so apt to toss off my own defence, because face it, if you are defending yourself, you've been accused of something, right?

Rebuilding reputations is impossible. It just takes time. But my desire to defend myself is so strong when I've been wronged. But you just have to take it and shrug it off right? I just have to wait for people to believe me.

While I may not believe in psychics, however, I do believe in karma. So let's hope I have enough in the bank to last me through...

Three weeks from my last post...

2006-03-16T15:00:00.000-05:00

I hate posting in constant "update" mode, but to be honest, I can't say I really care to blog right now. For anyone who cares, here's the update:

1) My wedding coordinator threatned to sue me for libel because I told people she was useless as tits on a bull (which she was) and she responded that she was only like that because I was the worst human being alive (which I wasn't). She tried to discredit everything I said by saying that I was a bridezilla and nothing I said had any weight. That's what you get when you tell the truth, I s'pose.

2) Life lessons learnt (from February 23rd - March 15th inclusive) = 8

3) I have determined that I don't need half of the things that I own, because we have hardly unpacked anything and I'm not really missing much.

4) I have found out that I am to receive a very large inheritance from my grandmother. How large? I don't know. But I've been told it's big. I'd be happy with a cup of coffee and half a twinkie right now, to be honest.

5) My mother moved in with a bloke. Actually, he moved in with her. He sounds nice. Time will tell (as they've only been dating for 2 months)

6) I can't think straight, I'm so busy at work.

7) I attended a funeral for a 6 week old baby boy, which was harsh. But I am glad I didn't get pulled up to see the open casket, I would have achieved total meltdown at that point, I believe.

8) We have so many gift certificates from the wedding, all at stores that have nothing we want to buy. It's kind of nice / annoying.

9) My dad wants to give me his wedding present on Monday. Breath is being held. I'm pretty sure that it's something like a savings plan. Go Dad.

That's it. There's more, but I don't care to elaborate. Sorry.

I'm BAAACK!

2006-02-23T12:05:00.000-05:00

Did you miss me?

K, so I'm married, have a new car (new to me anyhoo), have a new job, have a tan, have absolutely no money (one week without pay = not good), have an absolutely useless $1500 dress hanging in a closet, a house full of cat pee thanks to the sitter, and boxes upon boxes upon unpacked suitcases upon boxes of stuff. Oh, and a husband. Go me!

I PROMISE I'll give more details, but I'm playing catchup with, well, everything, so I'll give you the scoop soon.

Later!

Superficial blogging to return after this post...

2006-02-06T17:09:00.000-05:00

It saddens me to think that people are sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting for a spark to ignite the touchpaper that makes up their temperament.

While it is unfortunate that cartoonist think that it is ok to caricature the Prophet Muhammud (it isn't), reaction should come in the way of discourse and debate, not burning / throwing / killing.

Am I a loony? Is this irrational? Are these people just naturally angry?

It's a BAD thing that the cartoonist are doing, don't get me wrong. But why this reaction?

If something that Canadians love and cherish beyond all things (say, bear claws, Tim Horton's coffee, or Wayne Gretzky) were threatened or insulted, we may have some strong words, but I don't believe I would incite a riot.

Or would I?

Timmy's does make an excellent double double.

So white, it hurts...

2006-02-06T12:13:00.000-05:00

Upon seeing the headline "Rhymes bodyguard shot outside video shoot" my first response was...

"Why does LeAnn Rhymes need a bodyguard?"

This post will change nothing.

2006-02-01T17:30:00.000-05:00

I'm not big on the political stuff in my blog (oh, you hadn't noticed?) but I am big on politics in my everyday life. I just figure that I'd be pegged as a bleeding heart if I were to post on policy and probably comment-ed to death by Republicans. And since they have limited brain power, I don't want to push them to such extremes of communication. Oooh, did I say that?? Why yes I did! Oh, oh, I just brought it!!

Sooo, here's my summary of beliefs. Comment away!

1) I believe that the invasion and subsequent war in Iraq is based on a lie and is unconstitutional. As a Canadian, I have nothing to add to the democratic process in the States, but I can say that whoever voted for this has eaten way too many cheetos. The orange colour rots your brain.

2) I believe in the right of a woman to choose what happens to her own body. I believe that large corporations do not have the right to pick which prescription medicines to sell based on a fundamentalist religious belief, especially when it revolves around a woman's right to choose.

3) I believe that if two people love each other, and want to get in front of friends, family, God, Allah, Buddha, Krisna, and the big bad government to show that, well I think we should let them.

4) I believe that people are equal. That means no feminism, no affirmative action,

5) I believe that religion should never be confused with policy, and that Church and State should never, ever, ever....ever mix.

6) I believe in supporting the citizens of this country, whether immigrants or Canadian-born. I believe in allowing those who have qualifications to continue practicing in their area of specialization after a short and thorough retraining for the Canadian system. Doctors shouldn't drive taxis.

7) I believe in Christmas. I also believe in Hanukah, Diwali, Kwaanza, Raamadan, the Solstice, and anything I or you care to practice. Just let me keep practicing it, will you? Why should we ever consolidate a party? Why should we amalgamate into a random "holiday"? Why can't we be diverse? Why can't I search for Christmas ornaments on a Walmart site, why am I searching for "Holiday ornaments"? Aaaaargh!

8) I believe in political correctness (to a point), helping the helpless (to a point), and being nice.

9) I believe that people should work for a living. Call me crazy...

10) I believe that free childcare is not a right if you do not contribute to the system. I believe that free healthcare is not a right if you willingly and knowingly damage your health through smoking.

Gah, that's it for now. There's more. It gets kind of kooky at that point and I'm not sure I need the hate mail. Ah well. Baby steps...

One week to go...

2006-01-31T16:30:00.000-05:00

...no, no, no, not until the wedding!

Until my mother arrives!!

Now, this is both a good thing and a bad thing. My mother and I have an unusual relationship. Based on my absolute fear of her basically. I would do anything for my Mum; buy her gifts, keep her in good spirits, sell my first born, you get the idea. And unfortunately, she doesn't...quite...get it as to how I should be treated in return.

Many people regard this as status quo with their own parental units. I do not. I refuse to accept how criticism and (let's call a spade a spade) passive aggressive manhandling can masquerade as love or caring. I have had to accept that I must tell her nothing, if I do not wish her to bring it up in a public place and / or ridicule and use it against me for the rest of my life.

Albeit, I do tell her things, but I simply shouldn't. During "the incident" I went to her for advice. I got lovely support and lots of hand holding, but I also received a lifetime hate award for MF. Not that I should expect anything less, but she doesn't even hide her contempt. One day, we'll be lining up the grandkids for a visit to Great Grandma and she'd still roll her eyes whenever he would open his mouth. It is what it is.

So, with her arrival comes the obligatory head nodding that I am so accustomed to. "You hate my dress? Mmm, hmm. Mmm, hmm." "Oh, the room I spent three months researching for your specific needs and comfort isn't big enough. Mmm, hmm. Mmm, hmm."

Hopefully she won't get too drunk and say something in her speech (she is already planning a diatribe on my unusual use of Q-Tips when I was 12). But she also must remember, that I am the last to speak...and she really doesn't want to push me, right? Mmm, hmm. Mmm, hmm.

Holy schnikes!

2006-01-27T14:44:00.000-05:00

OK, I have officially bitten off more than I can chew. That's it, that's all, no more.

So, I got the new job. No more base salary, but I get a company car, a pension plan, a blackberry, more vacation, more benefits, better hours, more travel, and, get this, a 25% bonus plan that could go up to 150% of my salary if we hit numbers.

That means leaving here, which is really tough. I've really come to regard the people O work with as family, and it is really difficult to cut that off. It's like chopping off an arm to save a leg. A tough choice.

I just buried my grandmother.
I move next weekend.
I get married the weekend after that.
I get back from honeymoon and change jobs.

I feel as if I am spinning plates, and I see them slipping...

Then I found out I am going to get a substantial inheritance. The world as I know it is about to change. In three weeks, I don't think I'll recognize myself anymore.

Once more, with feeling

2006-01-25T12:58:00.000-05:00

My favourite Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode, and most possibily my favourite television moment of all time, was the "Once more, with feeling" episode. The premise was that a curse made all of the characters sing and dance out their emotions, so instead of talking and arguing, they were tangoing and trilling out their angst. What made it all the more wonderful, was that they used all of their real singing voices, bringing to the show a lot of realism and a very emotional and personal experience.

I get the same little thrill when watching Bollywood movies. One moment, you are standing with your girlfriends in the marketplace, the next you are a singing and dancing homage to "that boy across the street". Pure brilliance.

I wish I could just break into song. Right now it would be "Dirge about a cold" as I am suffering with the sniffoos. I think it would actually be fairly humerous, as I can't pronounce L's, S's or T's.

"Ooooh, ooh, this code in my node
is gedding worze and worze
I cand even breed
so I'm singing out a dirge"

I can just imagine walking down the aisle, everyone singing out songs of celebration and throwing rose petals in the air, the girls standing on their seats and the men pirouetting below. It would make everything so much more festive, don’t you think?

Life simply needs more musical numbers.

Goodbye, my bathing beauty...

2006-01-17T09:23:00.000-05:00

She was my hero for the first years of my life. A shining example of the riches that life had to offer when we were not so young, and not so tight of skin. I admired her like the sun, and everyone wanted to be near her, to touch her, to make her notice you so that she would laugh her laugh and give you a hug.

The moonlit nights in August, the light playing off the water. It is frozen like a stillshot in my mind. Getting the towels for us, for her - her bathing cap. And the little girls and older woman would wind their way down the cottage stairway, stepping gingerly over the pine needles, until we reached the dock. Then, she would take away that towel, take away that bathing suit and for a glimpsing second we would watch her execute a perfect dive from the board. Only the moon on her back, and her silvery laugh over the lake. Just her. And her bathing cap.

Goodbye Grandma. My bathing beauty.

January 16th 2006.

Pampering

2006-01-10T09:21:00.000-05:00

I am about to indulge in an absolutely insane and expensive amount of pampering, which is both very exciting and a little daunting given my propensity to freak out in spas.

It all started with a facial last Tuesday, "just to give myself a treat". We all know that any form of spa treatment after years of treatment drought only tend to lead to more treatments. The logic being that, if you don't treat yourself often enough, your esthetician thinks you are a cash cow waiting to be milked, and will try and sell you on every lotion, potion, and shiatsu-based-reiki-modulated-salt-rub available. After the facial, I barely escaped...with just a cleanser, toner and age perfecting serum tucked into my clammy little mitts

Sidenote: Mitts were clammy, because I was just frightened into purchasing, on the threat that "Don't I want to look my ABSOLUTE best on my wedding day? Hmmm???". Blackmail, blackmail, blackmail. But it works! How can a bride-to-be resist that? "Actually, no, I was thinking about just looking 'okay' for my big day". Yeah, ok.

So, today I have a fruit enzyme facial peel scheduled (and I still don't know what that is, or why I need it exactly). A manicure follows on Saturday (as penance from my brother for being such a dolt about this wedding). Next Tuesday is the eye and neck treatment, and a full European facial is the following Tuesday. Cut and colour at my salon the next week, before the full out pampering begings (I know, it's ludicrous!).

The week of the wedding has me exfoliated everywhere (yes, everywhere) and slathered with self-tanner to avoid me looking like the Corpse Bride. Then another manicure and pedicure, and a wedding day massage.

I'm going to glow dammit, if I want to or not!