tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10971908.post-1118247153683816772005-06-08T10:48:00.000-05:002005-06-09T09:23:48.926-05:00I think the holiday lull I've been expecting finally has taken hold. The only action this morning is three Yahoo Icebreakers. One came from a 47-year-old in Northwest Indiana who's looking for an "Extreamly tall woman," as in 6'4" or taller. He, however, is only 5'11". Good luck, fella.<br /><br />Another came from athleticdancingmachine. The "dancing machine" moniker is turnoff enough, plus he's 44, conservative, and, like the guy looking for the tall dominatrix, doesn't post a photo. The final Icebreaker is from a Harley guy in Rockford who doesn't drink, is heavily tattooed, and wears a big mustache that spreads across his lower face like an oil spill.<br /><br />I haven't seen much in MM for a while, but I have two emails waiting today. FORTNER385 earns a Matchmarker, so he's tall enough, etc., and he lives within five miles. He's liberal, 6'1"-6'2", has a master's, and is usually on time. He's originally from Europe—maybe that's why he's a dancing machine. That might also explain the sprinkling of misspellings. I'm a little hesitant because he seems too, I don't know, soft? He wrote in his email that "travel is very good for the soul; expanding horizons and providing a foundation of a world view that furthers growth." He asked where I'd like to travel next and where he can see some of my writing. Is that a sly way to track down my last name? From a guy who identifies himself only as "A"? I'll think about it a bit but probably write later.<br /><br />XNEWX668, or Ced'ric, lives in Barrington and has piercings and/or tattoos. He's also black, which brings up a topic I've kind of dodged. I have to admit that I don't consider black guys. I don't have a problem with them; it's just that I think biracial relationships are very difficult. I have a hard enough time in relationships, so I'm not interested in going after something with inherent challenges right from the start. I'm not sure what that makes me—lazy, wimpy, stupid, or all of the above.<br /><br />Another email arrived in MM while I was browsing the other two. But the thickly bearded BLUEEYEZZZ has written me in the past. What's going on in MM? Another email just came in, while I was reminding myself why I didn't pursue BLUEEYEZZZ. GEOFF898 is 41-45 and doesn't post a photo, but his profile sounds good and he has a Matchmarker and three stars. He writes that he's 6'1", but he checked 5'11"-6'0". He runs, bikes, and plays golf, and likes theatre, movies, wine, and food. He didn't write much in his email:<br /><br />"You certainly sound like someone worth knowing. If you'd have an interest in chatting let me know."<br /><br />I might just do that.<br />***<br />Sigh. Today was my monthly lunch with the college gals. I checked my voicemail on the way home and was pleased when I recognized Joe's phone number on the little prelude to the message. Unfortunately, he was calling to cancel our date for tomorrow night, saying he's come down with a bad cold. A cold? A cold so debilitating that he already knows he'll be out of commission tomorrow night? It's so sad that I can't just take his words at face value, but I've been burned too many times. I find myself thinking, "Well, at least he called and gave me plenty of notice," but that shouldn't be a big deal. That should be a given. He closed by saying, "Let's definitely keep in touch, and we'll get together sometime. Talk to you soon, I hope."<br /><br />How to respond? I could be an adult and call him back. You know—wish him a quick recovery, let him know I'm not angry and hope we can get together some other time. Of course, I'm more inclined to send an email, expressing the same sentiments.<br /><br />I called him, and I think that will be the last I hear of him. He sounded in fine spirits, not at all sick. We only spoke for a minute or two; I said I just wanted to touch base and wish him a quick recovery. He repeated the "let's definitely stay in touch" line but didn't propose any potential dates for rescheduling. So, different guy, same old shit.<br /><br />Why does this keep happening to me? Why is every audition a one-and-out? And what makes the few guys who actually remain interested after meeting me come to their senses as that second date nears? I don't know which is worse—hearing nothing after an audition or being led to believe there's another meeting on the horizon, only to have it snatched away. Is it any wonder I work so hard not to be excited or to look forward to second dates? I fight optimism in dating matters because I fear having my hopes dashed. That's no way to live. And yet, every time I let even a drop of hope seep in, I end up feeling like Sisyphus, pushing the rock to the top of the hill again and again, only to have it roll back down. I've asked it before and I know I'll ask it again—when will I learn?<br /><br />And I really, really wish I could stop myself from thinking too far ahead. Even with Joe, while I was telling myself, "Wait and see, wait and see if Thursday even happens," in the back of my mind I was thinking, "If it goes well Thursday, maybe we can get together again on Saturday." Twice in three days? Get a grip. I think I've unconsciously been keeping my Saturday night free, too. Argh. I'm equally disgusted by the creeping realization that, come January, when my dance card is as blank as Jessica Simpson, I'll probably have the urge to reach out to James because he's the only guy who's shown any interest.<br /><br />God, I feel so deflated right now, like an old balloon caught in the high branches of a tree. Yep--shriveled up and going nowhere, that's me. And how delightful that tomorrow marks three months that I've been at this futile quest. I should make up a progress report, but that would really depress me. Not exactly the emotion I want to wrap myself up in a week before Christmas.Bemusednoreply@blogger.com