The Witness Times

Yon Librarian of little faith...

2007-08-17T17:02:00.000+05:30

The Witness Times takes a look into a creature with 2 arms and 2 legs, though only his face is seen most of the time - The Assistant Librarian. Read on...

Good evening. Welcome to the first post in Witness Times about "The College". You might want to read up Librarian of Library of Liberty (offsite link to a fellow College blogger) before you start reading this article to give you an introduction to the Library in The College.

Lets get on with it... The library of liberty, as I may call it (naming copyrights : Georgelivestheday.blogspot.com) has many so called Assistant Librarians. We watched for a couple of hours, the action which goes on in the Library.

One of our Agents were posted at the entrance of the Library, innocently reading the latest edition of BenefIT. In comes a student of MSW Ist year. Lets call him Mr LN. Oh, he's a doctor... So its Dr. LN. He pats our agent on our back to acknowledge friendship and walks right into the reference section.

In all, he broke 5 commandments. Oh, by the way, here are the commandments of the Library of Liberty -

1) Thou shalt not make noise nor speak
2) Thou shalt not steal
3) Thou shalt not take out your mobile phones
4) Thou shalt not take the reference books outside the cul-de-sac
5) Thou shall not get 'nutritionalized' inside the sanctum
6) Thou shall surrender thy ID card
7) Thou shalt not make noise with feet, chair etc.
8) Thou shalt not withdraw a book with ease
9) Thou shalt not argue with the Librarians
10) Thou shall obey blindly the words the Librarian.

So back to our story, Dr LN walked straight past the Assistant Librarian, who had a scandalized look on his face. Dr was evidently in quite a hurry. He walked right into the Reference section, while being quite careful to make as much noise as possible. The Asst Librarian on seeing his not surrendering his ID card, started running towards the poor Dr from the other room. But Dr LN was in QUITE a hurry that he managed to reach the entrance, with a reference book clutched tightly in his hand. The Asst Lib caught up with him there. Seriously out of breath, he started shouting (chocking?) at the poor Doctor for a dozen different reasons. Dr LN said something about a Photostat in the other room. And at this point, the Asst Lib lost all control and started quacking like Donald Duck. Dr LN started contemplating the Asst Lib with professional interest.

The Asst Lib kept muttering things like - noise with feet - stealing books - leaving no id - fighting with librarians - I will show you etc etc etc...

Epilogue : Dr LN was able to successfully take a few photocopies of the required pages and in replacing the book.

But the story does not end there. We at the Witness Times were curious with the Asst Lib's approach. So we deployed an Agent to test his efficiency.

At first, we used an Under-graduate ID card to enter the Post-graduate section. Success!
Then we used the same UG card to enter the BHM library. Success again!
Then came the most crucial test. We coloured a piece of paper blue, yellow and grey to resemble the ID card, and entered all three sections with this piece of waste paper.

So how diligent was Mr Donald Duck anyway? We wish his all the very best for his future life...

2007 The Witness Times News Corps (c)

Disclaimer : This post is intended as a satirical work of mostly-fiction. Any
resemblance to any person or persons - living, dead, or being burnt or being dethrowned and murdered by George W Bush - is completely coincidental and unintentional. The views expressed by the author here may not even be his own, and he seeks refuge in Article 19 of the Constitution of the Republic of India, the Bill of Rights issued by the parliament of the United Kingdom in 1689, and the Universal Declaration of
Human Rights.

Please note that no objections can be legally brought up
against the author, since no names are used, not insinuated to, in this
blog, and since "Agent M", the author of this blog, is not a
living entity, and any legal procedures against him, will lead you to
an endless maze...

Christ Ahoy!

2007-06-23T17:51:00.000+05:30

Yo hello, its time to rock and roll!
Ladies and gentlemen, after much deliberation, the Witness Times crew, that is myself, also known as Agent M, have decided to shift our focus of writing to a new arena and campus. We have decided to shift ourselves from the mundane and rather arrogant readership level of our previous institution, Udl, and begin our journey afresh in a new, clean, green, and serene atmosphere at Christ College, Bengaluru.

We would like to ascertain that this shift is not in view of the threats or setbacks we had at our previous location. If you are a member of our previous institution, and consider us arrogant and defying, please continue to consider us arrogant and defying. We are merely shifting our focus due to, well, abundance of "prey" (heh heh heh).

From today, we promise to dedicate ourselves in the supreme service of laughter via the new route of Christ College. But this does not mean, either, that we have totally abandoned our good old Udl. If we get a particularly fat fly, uh, spicy news about, we will surely publish it.

But until then, ladies and gentlemen, beloved readers, friends, foes, kith and kin, please welcome with open hands, Christ College, Hosur road, Bengaluru.

You can contact me with your comments, feedback, suggestions, complaints, kvetches, threats, and anything else at -

agentm@witnesstimes.com

Hold on to your hats!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chastised for Honesty!

2007-06-22T22:12:00.000+05:30

Friends, Webizens, Countrymen (and women),
Chastised we are, for our honesty! We stand, with our sources severed, links disconnected, heavily punished, for a crime we did not commit! We stand in the heat of cruel and inhuman punishment, which has been applied on our agents by sadistic and satanistic individuals!

Certain individuals from certain parts of the world have come together as a single force to try and penetrate the outer protective shell of The Witness Times by cutting out our sources in the form of banning us from the more popular social networking websites on false and made up reasons.

They say that its chastisement for our wrong deeds. We ask you dear reader... Did we do any wrong deeds? Is spreading laughs a sin? Is telling the truth illegal?

But whatever philistines say, we at Witness Times "bash on regardless"... :)

Whether you ban us, or harm us, or smash our head quarters, or quarter our agents, as long as a single soul survives in this organization, we promise to keep writing, keep sensationalizing, keep "bashing on regardless", and keep spreading the truth!

So Mr S out there, we shall survive, and keep writing! We refuse to give up!

Astalavista... Babeee..

Witness Times : The Escapade

2007-06-13T12:09:00.000+05:30

Good morning,
7 years hath passed...
More than 500 stories published...
Almost 75 blogged...
Countless readers...
Trillions of laughs...
Unthinkable moments of fun and joy...

3 death threats...
34 physical harassments threats...
92 mails & comments of mental harassment and threats...
3 warnings by teachers...
Countless snides, sneers, and frowns...

Every coin has two sides..............

Yet ladies and gentlemen, The Witness Times has never failed in delivering the truth; In showcasing the latest; In spoiling plots; In delivering laughs...

During its tenure, The Witness Times has never aimed at tarnishing or destroying reputations, just bringing out the truth and exposing frauds. We have aimed at ultimate privacy of our "victims" by ensuring that no names were used. Only the truth has been portrayed, spiced up by exaggerations, which have been clearly mentioned at the end of each article. But every single article written at Witness Times was inspired by original events.

Despite the threats, despite the warnings, despite the frowns, we never failed in bringing you the best of Udl, to smile at. We never hesitated to publish a hot issue. But as the saying goes, all good things should come to an end...

I am leaving this prestigious institution which was earlier acronymed Udl, now tainted and torn by caterpillars of the commonwealth. Thus, my truthful and trusty sources have come to a conclusive stop, and thus, as a result, I have to stop this wonderful journey of The Witness Times. I'm not giving in to the threats or snide comments. I am giving in to the path of destiny, which every mortal is destined to follow.

This site will remain as an archive of the good old times. And if furnished with enough material, I will continue blogging about Udl. This not, the end. This is just an indefinite intermission, for the better. I will provide more information about my future plans, and the plans for Witness Times, in my future posts. I might continue blogging about Udl, or maybe about my new institution, or maybe about worldly matters, or all these three; but until I make that decision, ciao, please embrace this indefinite intermission with the spirit of courage, and with an air of melancholy, the same as me.

For freedom, for liberty, for the spirit of free writing! All Hail!

Yet another milestone for Witness Times!

2007-04-27T14:42:00.001+05:30

Ladies and gentlemen,

This is a special announcement. The Witness Times has crossed yet another milestone by the acquiring of our flagship domain, www.witnesstimes.com !

Now, you can access your one stop rumour shop at these web addresses -

1) www.witnesstimes.blogspot.com (original)
2) www.witnesstimes.com (autoredirect to 1)
3) www.witnesstimes.info (autoredirect to 1)

In case of suggestions, complaints, requests, kvetches, and stuff like that, you may contact the editor of the Witness Times at the following email address -

agentm [at] witnesstimes [dot] com

Cheers :)

Eu tu Mr N? India witnessing a revolution in homosexuality...

2007-04-02T01:33:00.001+05:30

Monday,

April 2nd

Is India witnessing a revolution in homosexuality? Is India, under the aegis of other western countries, stepping into that land which was hithero taboo? Yes ladies and gentlemen, or atleast, scenes right from the life of Mr N, in places ranging from the HQ of Synapse Graphics to the most acclaimed Marine Drive of Kochi seem to be suggesting so.

Let us consider, Mr N. Philospher, guide, good friend, and a lending hand to anyone in need. But his actions reckon that he's not just sugar, spice and everything nice. Over the range of the last couple of months, the Witness Times had got Agents trailing him 24X7. In astounding discoveries, we gathered that he exhibited a hitherto unseen trait of homosexuality, leading for a unprecedented affinity for individuals of his same sex. i.e. Male.

The Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Dept. scooped up a few facts about Mr N, which called for that he had increasingly become friendly and helpful to boys during the past couple of years. The WTVCD opinions that this friendliness and helpfullness were in fact pleas to release his pent up sexual feelings.

Incidents during the last few months have not challenged the findings of WTVCD. Overwrought with the emotions of leaving his educational institution, and increasing pressures of exams, his refrain crumbled, thereby leading to gratuitous displays of affection to males. In other words, he's a gay.

Indeed, on the "Farewell" day, he was seen in the backyard of a famous graphic design enterprise(named Synapse GFX) with an associate, trying to blackmail him and to ascertain his sexual maturity. Mr N reportedly threatened the very famous Mr AB with a shot gun. Mr AB, already committed to his steady girlfriend, was unavailable for comment. Our top reported Agent M, against great personal risk, succeeded in capturing this fine moment on his Canon Powershot A95.

(Left : Mr AB. Right : Mr N)

A careful viewer will be able to perceive the position of Mr N's left hand. Also the emotions of joy on Mr N's face and the looks of forced ecstacy on Mr AB's face. We regret to say that we couldn't capture a video of the entire episode, since Mr N discover our Agent, and tried to do away with him...

As is evident, Mr AB was forced to physical and sexual submission unto the whims of Mr N.

But Mr N's sexuality took a HUGE turn today. In the wee hours of the evening, Mr N came out of a movie theatre(followed by 4 of his friends including Mr AB) looking extremely dejected. The movie(named "300") had a couple of scenes involving a few girls in rather *sensitive* scenes, and Mr N was quite unhappy with the lack of gays in the movie.

As time ticked past, Mr N was witnessed tearing past the grounds of Marine Drive in hot public pursuit of his four classmates. In other words, he was looking for a quick bout of pleasure by a public rape. Like a cheetah, he reared past the mowen grass, straight to innocent Mr B, who, taken by surprise, was beaten into a submissive form, before Mr N continued with his sexual enterprises. Godess fortune was at hand, though, and benevolence arrived in the form of Mr RPR, who decided to mimic the spartans, and throw a spear(uh, a bamboo stick!) at the violent and lusty Mr N. Mr N, unfortunately, had completed his sexual devices in record time, and happily bounced away from the approaching spear(uh, bamboo?), and thus, poor Mr Raped-homosexually-tortured-B took the full effect.

Ofcourse, the four of his friends were finally able to lock him into a red killer and bid him goodbye for the day(heaven forbid that he lusted in the bus!) but not before a few hundred ogling citizens of Kochi had their dose of daily excitement and pornographic pleasure.

WTVCD says that Mr N was unable to contain his feelings when all beside him were at the verge of excitement from the movie. Thus, says WTVCD, he resorted to exhibitionist values of his homosexuality which must have given him more mental satisfaction than a private affair.

"He is not to be feared." Opinions Mr NG, Psychological Consultant, Witness Times. "He is a normal teen with normal feelings, but a little perverted, yes. Care must be taken to exercise his sexual mana periodically, so as to avoid such severe situations."

However, Mr N seems to be carefree and quite unbothered about all the happenings. WT personnel are standing by to help, in case the situation darkens, with better cameras and excellent camera crew. But until then, its adios from the Witness Times crew :) Keep reading Witness Times - Action on the spot!

born to discover...

driven to fight...

destined to conquer...

THE WITNESS TIMES

The Witness Times News Corps 2006

[this news is not entirely fake - but the scenes are figments of my imagination]

Disclaimer : This post is intended as a satirical work of mostly-fiction. Any

resemblance to any person or persons - living, dead, or being burnt or being dethrowned and murdered by George W Bush - is completely coincidental and unintentional. The views expressed by the author here may not even be his own, and he seeks refuge in Article 19 of the Constitution of the Republic of India, the Bill of Rights issued by the parliament of the United Kingdom in 1689, and the Universal Declaration of
Human Rights.

Please note that no objections can be legally brought up
against the author, since no names are used, not insinuated to, in this
blog, and since "Neo Garfield", the author of this blog, is not a
living entity, and any legal procedures against him, will lead you to
an endless maze...

We are not dead...

2007-03-17T00:54:00.000+05:30

Ladies and gentlemen,
Please do not doubt the most longest break ever in Witness Times history. We have not shut down our operations, we have not stopped the blogging business. Due to a quick change of emotional attitude, and time moving at the speed of light ( ;-) ) we are unable to provide you with laugh-friendly content.

We apologise for this looooooooooooooooooong break. Its been over 2 months now! We beseech you to wait for another 1 and a half weeks, before we're back in business... Updating, and ready to roll :)

Cheerios...

SISTER SITES : www.blogforpeace.org ||| www.bloggingindia.net ||| www.yfma.com

His experiments with truth...

2006-12-21T01:29:00.000+05:30

Thursday,
December 21st

Its the final countdown... The days are counting down to ground zero, the ultimate day, the day when the world is converted into the "realm of mystic enjoyment". The day, when the unreal becomes real... The annual School Day of the great school we all know.

Ladies and Gentlemen, yet again, we have been dumbstruck by the situation we have at hand. Yet again, we have been outshined by a brilliant ray of light emerging from that unbeatable arc of baldness. Yet again, we have been dwarfed by the enormousity of the news at hand. But as it is our duty to deliver you our best, even during sun, rain or snow, here it is dear reader, for thy eyes, and yours alone...

Caution : PG 15. Get a phone next to you and start dialing 102 (911 in case of outside India readers). You might need an ambulance soon because of shock, and brain trauma.

Prologue : 3 days ago, an anonymous reporter reports a mishap on one of the most prestigious awards in the school... The report went unnoticed because of the informer's integrity(or the lack of it)...

Now, we learn, that The Great Brown Shark was in fact, A Velociraptor.

Part I : The shock : Lets begin with a lovely little Geography class in STD X. The Great Brown Shark walks in and starts gargling about the kalathilakam - one of the most presitigious awards a student of STD X from the school can hope for. But within the baby gargles, the students of the hapless class realised that something of substance was being said... Something everyone failed to grasp at first... Something related to interschool activities...

In the realm of 50,000 "actually"s, the poor students of the above mentioned hapless class learned that the Great Brown was saying, that the kalathilakam was not going to be given to the right deserver(lets call her Ms G) but to his own daughter, Ms B!

Ms G is an introspection of sugar, spice and everything nice. With lots of talent, skills, and points, she was the most eligible for that prestigious award. The one, she was denied... She was upset. She was angry. She was ---------(please fill in). She decided to protest!

Ms B on the other hand, was a synonym for selfish, evil and everything bad. With lots of att-I-tude, she was NOT the eligible one for such a prestigious award.

PART II : The 3rd iteration : Lets zoom in to the details. Ms B has 12 points. Ms G has 15. As per the set rules, right from 1991, the student from STD X who scores maximum points in co-curricular activities IN THE SCHOOL gets the award.

But, dear reader, earlier this week, Ms G was summoned inside his highness'es lair. The Shark Lair. Reportedly, she was fried in their. And cut into a crude shawarma.

The Great Brown never stuck to a point (lack of "glue") but kept beating around the bush (he's got tons of THAT!) He kept putting in his much acclaimed technique of confusing a poor student - The Actually Hypothesis - which successfully broke Ms G into a fit of rage. Insaned by the extremely hazardous number of "actually"s exhaled by The Great Brown (as per the Actually Hypothesis) Ms G decided to run for it. Get out and clear before the "egg" turned into a grenade. But no, he held on...

He kept showing the hapless girl a piece of paper, in which, depicted in his own handwriting, was a piece of literature. The Great Indian Literature, which proclaimed that "since 2004, all school co-curricular activities AND ICSE ISC Cultural Meet points are taken into consideration for kalathilakam". Witness Times Forensices Dept. says that the paper used was A4 Bond, which was less than 2 months old, and thus defeating the 2004 purpose, unless The Great Brown was the great inventor of a time machine. Also, it remains a fact that throughout 2004 and 2005, the kalathilakams were not selected based on ICSE ISC Cultural Meet points.

PART III : The Final Diagnosis : The Great Brown Shark (aka Mutta aka The Velociraptor) was infact(or reportedly) playing behind the scenes to get the prestigious kalathilakam award for his own daughter. Not taking into consideration the protests from half the student community and a score of teachers, he is adamantly sticking to his ludicrous and imbecilic views and actions.

He, who claims himself to be the "most honest man" on living earth; he who claims to be "the ideal man"; he who claims to be an ideal "role model"; is actually nothing but a flea bitten, crackbrained, dazed, dullardic, clumsy, gawky, stupid ----- who has the brains of a half mutated strain of the almost extinct Variola major(small pox) virus. The Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Dept. says that if he had atleast used a 2 year old paper to depict his so called "documents" - the world's greatest treasure which will lead to his daughter getting the kalathilakam, he would have atleast shown himself to be a prudent and farsighted man.

But beneath all this, Witness Times Psychology Dept. says that this is all just a plea for attention. A dazzling trick to obtain ferocious publicity and accelerate student entrance into the sinking ship.

Epilogue : The Witness Times Staff has decided that Mr Great Brown was put in the wrong job(No monster.com in his medival times). He should have become a politician. Fickle, unvertebrated, thick-skinned, hairy(as hairy as an orangutan), boring, bush beating, stupid, and the half mutated existence he is, are perfect, if not accurate, synonyms of a politician.

And still, he thrives on in his self made niche, in which he feels quite safe and secure, like a 5 year old kid feels secure inside a warm blanket. He feels that noone and nothing can affect a fort so strong, when infact, he doesnt realize the fact that his "fort" is made up of cotton, graphite and marshmallows.

The fact that Mr Great Brown has a great rapport with Mr Kama may be the missing link in the entire story. It might turn out that The Great Brown enjoys Kama's homosexual activities. Or it might just be a play-act, to somehow "silently" kick badguy Kama's a$$ and take revenge for turning his "dream"(school) into a nightmare. And ofcourse, there's still that mysterious factor of the glazing biceps...

And ofcourse, there's the case of the extreme-hair-on-hands-and-face-but not-on-head. The Great Brown Shark's head is so nice, shiny and egg-ish that their chickens made a big fuss when his wife walked away with him. They chickens thought that Mrs Great Brown was stealing their eggs...

In ordinary sharks, hair is uncommon. But ofcourse, he's anything from ordinary. But he is, in some respects, very much similar to a shark. Especially the fact that sharks havnt evolved for the last 1.9 billion years...

Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Department claims that The Great Brown is in fact a cross breeded specimen. A cross of a chiken's egg, a birds nest, an orangutan, and ofcourse, a strand of mutated variola with only half a brain.

Reportedly, a few students, including Agent M, Mr AB, and Mr R are going to fight for rights in the ultimate showdown, a bit towards the later side of today. The freedom seekers are said to be preparing themselves, arming with 1st class swear words, lifted right out of the internet. What may finally result is a show of true colours, and a deadly battle for the finish - between 12thers and the Great Brown Shark. But ofcourse, Child Protection Organization is on the standby to take over the situation if The Great Brown( with half the brains of a mutated variola) tries to discredit the crusaders using sexual excuses, as earlier tried against the AB duo. We shall wait and see the result of their experiment...

Till then dear readers, its adios amigos... But stay tuned to Witness Times for exciting new updates on his mutta-ness The Great Brown Shark, his stark naked head, his half a brain of a mutated variola, and his f**ka$$ attitude. All this, and more, as the clock ticks down the final countdown to school day, live and exclusive, only of The Witness Times.

The Witness Times News Corps 2006

[this news is not fake - maybe a teeeeeeeny bit exaggerated]

Disclaimer : This post is intended as a satirical work of part-fiction. Any

resemblance to any person or persons - living, dead, or being burnt to

death in a second class train compartment in Godhra - is completely

coincidental and unintentional. The views expressed by the author here

are not even his own, and he seeks refuge in Article 19 of the

Constitution of the Republic of India, the Bill of Rights issued by the

parliament of the United Kingdom in 1689, and the Universal Declaration

of Human Rights. Please note that no objections can be legally brought up against the author, since no names are used, not insinuated to, in this blog, and since "Neo Garfield", the author of this blog, is not a living entity, and any legal procedures against him, will lead you to an endless maze...

All work and no play makes Jack yawn a dull boy... PART I

2006-12-11T00:50:00.000+05:30

Saturday,

December 9th

Another second Saturday which should have been spent luxuriously in bed till 10 in the morning, witnessed a record breaking event! Agent M, top reporter, editor, CEO, blah blah blah etc etc etc, of The Witness Times woke up at 6.00 AM!!! A feat seen neither in his normal school days, nor his exam days! And the reason? He was to spend yet another boring sports day in unprofitable boredom, the time, which otherwise, should have been dedicated towards making his body into a more sluggish sleep machine.

Anyway, with extremely timed accuracy, he reached his school, good old Udl, at exactly 0810 hours (he was asked to report at 0745 hours). But the "accuracy" didn't matter too much, 'coz most of the students hadnt arrived yet... By about 0845 hours, he gathered his heavy equipments of inappropriate sound - the base drum for the school band. Smartly assembled, in front of the school, was the school band, complete in broken instruments to not-to-be-seen discipline.

As the house captains endeavoured to herd the members into proper lines, the band members haughtily watched on, basking in their glory, of not having to be part of such a messed up ceremony, but in fact having the honour in making it much more messier. In front of the assembled band, was one of the houses, led by a close friend of Agent M's. Behind him, were 2 other house captains. Anyway, the general picture = extreme and quite efficient confusion, worthy of a Physics period by The Woman In The Red Dress.

This was when a Maruti Suzuki Esteem 2001 model car rolled majestically to the front of the school, braking in a 007 fashion. Five minutes passed, and the sole occupent of the car was seen peering expectantly out of the windows, as if expecting a welcoming party. To make himself more noticeable, he opened one of the doors. Nope, no welcoming party. 5 more minutes later, a regal looking man in a regal blue shirt and a regal offwhite trousers, sporting a regal tie, was seen emerging from the car.

The man, lets call him Mr X, spent an unpleasant few minutes, surprised by the general lack of order, and lack of proper recognition. After several disjointed minutes, which could have been an eternity for Mr X, he slowly dragged himself to the entrance of the school. A few minutes later, IG and the Great Brown Shark were seen running a relay race to the school.Quite surprising, 'coz the opening ceremony of the sports day was not yet over. After a few minutes, news leaked - Mr X in blue 'n white was the Chief Guest for the morning session. Mr X had calculated in his ex-Commander Indian Navy style, not taking into consideration the general amount of time required for Indians to be fashionable late (ofcourse, Indian Navies and Indian Armies are not really Indians - they are a breed of better Indians)...

And so, the morning ceremony began... The Parade Inspection was quite comparable to a Charlie Chaplin movie... We had Mr X, Ex Navy Commander, in smart Blue 'n White and Tie, and we had good ol' IG, in his ever lasting Striped Blue shirt (a memoir of his college-days) with a *elegant* dirt scrubbed trousers (a memoir of his school days) and an excellent paunch (a memoir of his present life).

As the day progressed, different events were witnessed at heightened levels of paradoxism... Laughter + Tears, Anger + Smiles, Flattery + Cynism etc.

Oh, and a snack counter was opened by the Interact Club, the profits of which funded the poor, and the proceedings of which made the funders poor. Agent S[ref : The Woman In The Red strikes back... ], reports that a short battle ensued in the counter premises, where a poor soul, with bulgan was denied lunch, due to acute shortage of food, and where the poor soul(lets call him Mr Oochan) begged hysterically for atleast a piece of bread and butter, and finally ended his protests my marching off into a nearby forest (from where he re-emerged after a few hours - heaven knows what he was doing!). Mr Oochan was also said to have assualted Mr V, the Treasurer of the club.

In the afternoon, the croud witnessed an amazing feat! A roadroller was seen to be moving through the tracks during the Super Senior Girls 4X100 Relay race with so much speed that "she" caused a hurricane which sweeped the other competitors off their tracks. "She" with a round mass of 1200 pounds (approx. 800 kilograms in metric scale) was seen to be a moving with a velocity which surprised all assembled audience and even the compirers to astute silence. Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Dept (WTVCD) reprts that her momentum was estimated to be about 50,000 kilogram metre per second...

TO BE CONTINUED...

[This news is not fake. Maybe a bit exaggerated...]

The Kama Sutra...

2006-12-05T00:15:00.000+05:30

Monday,

December 4th

First of all, let me apologise to all those sex craved fanatics who hurried to syndicate this post for its quite misleading title. This post, is not in fact about the ancient art of lovemaking born in India, but is rather a satirical work of research on a quite ambiguous imbecile, who somehow managed to land himself the position of "Manager" of a prestigious educational institution(Good ol' Udl :) ).

As Agent M investigated closer and closer, this quite fickle creature, who was seen often in the company of rather pompous donkeys, turned out to be a lot more than he had bargained for!

As the investigation started, Agent M asked, "What is Kama*?"

* = Kama here refers to the equally sounding name of the imbecile creature

As the investigation ended, Agent M asked, "I repeat, What is Kama? Is it vegetable or mineral?"

Yes ladies and gentlemen, shocking evidence reveals that Mr IG and The Great Brown Shark aren't actually as bad as they are supposed to be. This evidence reveals that the mastermind behind the confused, irritated, annoying, stupid, dullard, unintelligent characters of IG and The Great Brown are actually initiated and catalysed by the great Kama himself...

Just the last week, Agent M unearthed shocking evidence - videographical proof! He saw with his own eyes, the proof of Kama's homosexuality (in other words, Kama is gay!)! Kama was seen bribing a young male staff member, for reasons unknown, as Kama proceeded to tease and flirt the poor staff member in his private room.

A few questions hang suspiciously in the air...

Why is Kama ominously absent from the school, when his wife is present?

Why has the sofa in Kama's room been dragged outside? Is it going to give way for a bed, for easier activities?

Why is the TV kept in Kama's room? Why is he reluctant to open the safe? Has he inherited the behemoth XXX collection of IG?

Why was Kama unhappy to see the little girl wearing a short skirt picture in the school magazine draft? Why was he happy to see the little boy then?

In the wake of these questions, and the rather demanding presence demanded by his humungous body, its no wonder that the school has been cracking up, figuratively, and literally!

The Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Dept. (WTVCD) has proposed a theory which describes the reason for the vast amounts of energy contained in Kama's hands. The theory links the bicep muscles, up and down motion, and Kama's frequent visits to the toilet...

As the investigation by Agent M continued, it revealed shocking evidence (yet again) which highlighted this fatass's greed for money. But again, WTVCD says that this is quite normal, owing to the fact that he has to pay for all those XXX movies (Mr IG is making a fortune selling them) and he has to hire all those gay prostitutes!

Meanwhile, plans are asail to sabotage Kama's means of transportation - his car. Of course, WTVCD says that this will be a welcome break for the car, since the poor Maruti 800 will not have to bear the heavy weight of Kama for the rest of its lifetime...

Indeed, Kama has been greatly infamousized by his delaying of the school magazine using useless and tactless alibis. He had a last minute argument, and prolonged this argument for over a week. This argument was about the addition of a "clearer" photo of a woman named Mrs Arf(code name). WTVCD has set forward a possibility that the poor wife of Mr Kama may witness a sensual and randy scene between Kama and Arf one day; but the rest of the WT staff has disgarded this theory, since Mrs Arf looks like a bitch with three quarters of an ear bitten off, and a smudged nose.

The final report highlights the following points -

Kama is a fu**a*s
Kama is gay
Kama might be cheating his wife
Kama is a 3rd as* who bribes staff for his sexual entertainment
Kama has well developed biceps
Kama exercises his biceps regularly with an Up-And-Down-Movement ™.
Kama is the doom of the school
Kama is full of sutra
Kama + sutra = utter rubbish

Thus, Agent M concluded his report. More on Kama, his secret sex life, his homesexuality, and other hot spicy issues, coming soon, live and exclusive, only on WITNESS TIMES!

The Witness Times News Corps 2006

[this news is not false, nor exaggerated]

Yon crimes of untold belief...

2006-11-10T00:46:00.000+05:30

Thursday
November 9th

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me first welcome you back to Witness Times after a loooooong gap of over 2 months! Anyway, we are back in business now, with a hot spicy story to cover up our absense.

Crimes, are of different types. And somehow, "some" people at the Udyogamandal School believes in different types of most officious crimes, judged by the integrity, sanity, age, sex, marks, class and flattering capability of a student/students concerned.

Well, the fun began a couple od days ago, with a "person" commenting about a most heinous crime. A terrific and atrocious sin, which made the "person" wish the rule-breakers instant death. And, uh, what was the crime? Failure to bring the library book to school within the due date!!!!

The fun continued, with absurd and insane new rules introduced, supposed to be of the purpose of "improving" or "hoping to improve" the school premises - no cycles allowed from students staying nearby the school... Yep... A few of the students now come in Rolls Royces and a couple of Benzes... How harebrained can people get? Why should a student staying 10 KMs away from the school come on a cycle? And why should not a student staying 1 KM away from the school come on a cycle? Taking into consideration the fact that about 3% of the total students in the school stay far away, of which .01% have cycles, we are discussing about conducting an All India Witness Times Humour Conference in the available space in the cycle stand...

And yet, dear reader, if you think that these above mentioned "crimes" were delirious, you aint seen nothin yet! Indeed, today, two of the school's most esteemed idiots, uh, sirs were seen commenting on yet another flagitious crime - the 12th STD students listening to music 10 minutes after the dispersal bell... Witness Times News Corps have received information that the "wrong doers" were severly questioned, and chastised.

It grieves us as much as it does to you to declare that the personality mentioned in the above instances are unfortunately the one and only, Mr G, the great, infamous, hopeless, grammarless, -censored- , head of the institution! Yep...

Honestly speaking now, the Witness Times is thinking of conducting a poll on who is more dumber, The Woman In The Red Dress(thankfully abdicated 3 months ago) or Mr G(still out there and hopelessly annoying). We would furthermore like to refer to Mr G as Mr IG [expands to Infamous G, Idiot G, In***t G etc etc etc, left to the creativity of the reader concerned].

Oh, and the Woman In The Red Dress has registered her protest against the competition at hand...

But of course, we are doubtful if any phrase of IG's will break the greatest slur in history, made by the Woman In The Red Dress - "That Meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......"
But, the staff here at Witness Times, are willing to bet a couple of beers that IG's latest phrase on stage - "Everyone is not, but, shall, will..err... have yes bring.... err.. bring yes... library in time books..." - might fare the competition.

This present situation is not only affecting the students, but even the poor animals! Today, we got reports from STD XII, which stated that a slug had been spotted inside the water bottle of one of the students... The poor carrier of pin worm larvae was reportedly trying to escape a speech of IG's... But the students were even more effected by IG that a couple of them actually drank the water, and reportedly, finished off the slug as well! Indeed, the last few hours of class today saw the STD XII students desperately trying to suicide using Mercury Poisoning methods, to escape from the hopless IGed environment!

Yet, close examinations, and tedious file work, has revealed that IG is not just another idiot as we thought him to be... He is suspected to have the largest collection of BFs, aka Blue Films, aka XXX, aka Porn, in the whole of the township, owing to his magpie like tendency to snatch such valuble material from the students of his older school... Ofcourse, the students at Udl are much more refined and sophisticated, and have their own methods of protection and careful data transfer, though they are seldom used due to the sophistication and refinement... In other words, IG's collection has ceased to swell... :)

Well, whatever may be the case, we at the Witness Times are keeping close tags at all concerned. As an antidote to IGness, we reccomend a good dose of Witness Times, taken at regular intervals, accompanied by loud hysterical laughter, and a bit of uncontrollable swearing(F U!)... If you are attacked by the IG, or by the Great Brown Shark, we reccomend a good course of steady English, using words such as "antideestablishmentarianism", "anticonvulsant", "antecedence" etc to confuse thy predator, and apply a technique named "THE HARE!" developed by the Team Editorial, 2006. To keep posted, visit, bookmark, and keep addicted to Witness Times!
By the way, please promote our new marketting catchphrase : "Addicted to Opium? Marijuana? Why waste your money? Get addicted, to WITNESS TIMES! From darkness to light... Gauranteed..."

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this news is true - might be a wee tiny bit exaggerated]

Disclaimer : This post is intended as a satirical work of part-fiction. Any
resemblance to any person or persons - living, dead, or being burnt to
death in a second class train compartment in Godhra - is completely
coincidental and unintentional. The views expressed by the author here
are not even his own, and he seeks refuge in Article 19 of the
Constitution of the Republic of India, the Bill of Rights issued by the
parliament of the United Kingdom in 1689, and the Universal Declaration
of Human Rights. Please note that no objections can be legally brought up against the author, since no names are used, not insinuated to, in this blog, and since "Neo Garfield", the author of this blog, is not a living entity, and any legal procedures against him, will lead you to an endless maze...

Witness Times... The saga continues... Another Victory!

2006-08-13T17:35:00.000+05:30

Sunday
August 13th

ANOTHER VICTORY FOR WITNESS TIMES! In a suprising move yesterday, the Udyogamandal School Management decided to listen to the pleas of the +2 students, and the immensive strike put up by STD XII, by deciding to change The Woman In The Red Dress from her current position as the Physics Teacher, and to appoint a new teacher instead.

Witness Times Correspondent, Agent M, reported from Udyogamandal School yesterday that the new teacher being interviewed was better than any so far. Mr J, school captain, said, "Our only sorrow is that we couldnt give Mrs Red a decent send off" ("by kicking the boot in her ass!" he later added).

As we celebrate this victory at the Witness Times Head Quarters, yet another suprise follows. It seems that we have hit A HALF CENTURY in posts! Yes ladies and gentlemen, The e-Witness Times, the digital survivor, started a year ago, of The Witness Times, has hit 50 posts with this amazing news of The Woman In The Red Dress's departure!

But since time is always against us, we have to stop here... But stay tuned for MORE Witness Times. But before we end, a word from our editor -

Dear Readers,
Thank you for patronizing Witness Times,
and bringing it to the glory it has today. For
this, I promise you even better content at WT.
Witness Times is read daily by more than 70
readers. And the count is increasing day by day.
Once again, thank you dear reader...

Like our editor said, we'll be bringing you more spicy hot news. More spicy hot rumours. More articles which make your blood run cold....

Stay chilled to Witness Times as the saga continues...

The Witness Times News Corps 2006

Trains befooled... The Women In The Red Dress releases the BETA version of her hypothesis

2006-08-05T15:15:00.000+05:30

Friday
August 4th

Today, the much acclaimed and infamous Mrs Women In The Red Dress (refer to : [III] Woman In The Red Dress Yon Secrets Within , [II] She strikes back - Woman In The Red Dress , [I] The Woman In The Red Dress ) released her hypothesis, which was long rumoured to be in the making.

The BETA version of the hypothesis titled "That Meanse, trains will run, yes no?" was released for public opinion today in the Physics period. The hypothesis was put under careful scrutiny by the 12 STD students. Agent M reported that project was a First Class one, and one which would gain The Women In The Red Dress all laurels in Dr. Nair's Mental Hospital, Kochi.

According to her hypothesis, trains(electric OR diesel) run by the current produced due to the rubbing of the conduction stick on top of the train, with the wire above it. The thesis further says that the electricity thus produced, cannot light a 60 watt bulb, but can power a train pulling 20 compartments, going at 140 Kmph. The hypothesis also states that there is absolutely no electric current present in the wires.

It is rumoured that The Woman In The Red Dress will be sending in this report to The Nobel Prize Selection Commitee for their approval, and her Nobel Prize in Physics.

The Woman In The Red Dress also released her "Discpline La' Teaching" a few days ago, where in she advised all teachers to teach innovatingly, like she did. "To take an example," she said, "teach the Flemming's Right Hand Rule with your Left Hand to ensure better confusion in class."

But Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Department calculates that she will be gone by the end of the academic term. As per WTVCD, her method of teaching is directly propotional to a sloth teaching a slug how to vomit, and thus her students will more or less "kick her on the butt" before the damage exceeds the critical value. But conspirologists from Witness Times challenged this report : the fact remains, anyone who kicks her but will need to spend the least of 2 months in a hospital for breaking his/her foot by the foolish act of kicking a two ton rock.

Meanwhile, The Woman In The Red Dress is to represent the Udyogamandal School Teaching Community in the students interschool cultural event, The Vox Populi (http://witnesstimes.blogspot.com/2005/10/kaise-laga-acha-laga-how-was-it.html). The reason behind it was exposed recently - last year, another school had challenged The Udyogamandal School; and The Udyogamandal School is sending in Mrs Red to emphasise on the fact that even their worst, is so massive...

Thats all for now, ladies and gentlemen, about Udyogamandal School, and that ass of a woman - Mrs Red. But before we say adieu, we apologise for not posting any news for the last one month - we had a complaint with out data processing services (in short, the guy who's typing up this s**t right now was in the hospital).

So dear reader, adieu for now, but stay tuned to Witness Times - 'coz we'll be back for youuuuuuu!

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this news is true. this article is a wee bit exaggerated]

The Woman In The Red Dress - Yon Secrets Within...

2006-06-19T08:11:00.000+05:30

Monday
June 19th

BREAKING NEWS!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, The Witness Times has atlast uncovered the secrets within that catacombic brain of the Woman In The Red Dress(Oh! WT Scientists are estimating a minsicule brain amounting to a little more than a thousand neurons...) . Close examinations of her bodily actions, behavioral instincts, and acute characteristics, have lead the WT Scientists to a amazing discovery...

Meanwhile, The Witness Times Vast Consipracy Department has uncovered the facts about The Woman In The Red Dress's previous employer. Taking in to consideration the blowzy poses, charecteristical dressing, the sluttish way of talking, and the floppy forms of makeup, we have concluded that The Woman In The Red Dress previously worked for either of these two companies : Hustler, or Playboy...

Indeed, just the last day, a student asked a doubt, and to explain the query(which we presume was a useless gesture, since the student would end up more confused than previously), she attained a pose, worthy of Britney Spears, with the fatter part of her sticking out into the air, like in porno movies ;) . Neverthless, Mr S of STD XII, annoyed at being "butted around" utilized the oppurtunity, and positioned his pen, such that it inflicted many a shark pricks on you know where...

The amazing fact is that The Woman In The Red Dress felt the pricks, but never acknowledged the fact :) . She might presume that he's just getting, uh, "closer" to "knowing his teacher". Condolences to Mr S, and his (ex)girlfriend Ms A.

Annnndddddd.... The final triumph. As we mentioned earlier, the scientists have discovered her secret ambition...

She believes that Newton might have left out a couple of points in his gravitational theory. So she's out to prove those remaining points... Not by hard work, or thought, or imagination. We saw her more prevalant hobbies as strange... Irritating kids, irritating her husband, puncturing Tata Indigo tires, and finally, standing under coconut trees???!!!

Yep. As the apple fell on Netwon's head, she believes that a cocunut on her head will drill the secret formulas into her head... I pity the poor cocunut... But as Mr AB asked, what difference does it make if a cocunut falls on a jackfruit?

Anyway, we leave the story here for the time being... We wish our very best to the sluttish, hopeless, brainless, irritating, cocunut-happy, fat, obese, yucky, Playboy'is, Hustler'is, Woman In The Red Dress, in attaining her dream of a cocunut over hear head(we could help her too...). Our very best to Mr S, in attaining his dreams ;) , and our condolences to Ms A...

Asta la vista...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this article is NOT false NOT exaggerated]

SHE STRIKES BACK!!! The Woman In The Red Dress strikes back!!!

2006-06-14T00:45:00.000+05:30

June 12th

Monday

YAAAAAA!!!! She strikes back!!! The deadly snake, the woman of the species more deadlier than the male! The much acclaimed, obese, demented, loose-fitting, Woman In The Red Dress STRIKES BACK!

And her victims? The poor innocent students of the Plus Two Section. Yes ladies and gentlemen, proceeding the Witness Times reports on the Woman In The Red Dress, she became aggravated. She striked back with a force so symmetrical, so brilliant, so strong, so unique, that the spectators could only stand and stare...

Today, on the pretence of "cleaning the laboratory", she took the poor innocent kids of STD XII to the Physics Lab. A few shrewd students, including Agent M, lingered back in the class, feigning dust allergy, and warned their classmates to follow them. But those pompous poor innocent kids, did not pay a heed to their friends' words...

Catastrophy followed dear friends... Catastrophy...

She tortured them... A torture so cruel, so inhuman, so heartless, that even the Tsunami would bow before that venomous obese python of a physics teacher!

She excruciated them poor innocent students by making them slog over the dirty floors of the unclean lab. She embossed the room with the lethal particulate matter, which bounded the students in the lab, while straining their juvenile lungs. She forced them weak poor innocent kids to strain harder, in the ever growing pillum of dust! She forced them poor innocent asmatic kids, to spasms of severe bronchial disorders.The captive students, could do nothing, but obey the vulture's orders...

Eye witnesses say that a few students collapsed because of the cruel crucifying torture. And few say that, that witch of a Woman In The Red Dress, smiled, peering at the scene of distruction, and total rape. Agent M, who hurried to the spot to capture a few pictures, was paralyzed, by the scenes of his friends' torment!

And afterwards, The Woman In The Red Dress happily said,"I did this to STD XI too!"

WHEN WILL THIS END???!!!

Complaints are pouring in! But The Great Brown Shark says that the students will take some time to "adjust" with their new teacher!
But the students of STD XII are working on a project to somehow induce a strong static electricity, to a un-used tube light propped in the classroom, so as to propel it foreward, and attract it to the afro-hairstyled head of that stupid moronic Woman In The Red Dress!

Meanwhile, The Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Department, has jumped into action. The WTVCD has formulated a new, more feasible, plan to decapacitate the already disfunct head of that vulture. The masterplan, inspired by the Mad Cow disease, deals with oddly distracting and confusing the already distracted and confused brain{Authors Note : Sorry for the anachronism, since reports are yet to prove the presence of a brain in Mrs M} of Mrs M[The Woman In The Red Dress].

This plan, spearheaded by Agent M, has already started beta testing. We encourage our Udyogamandal School student readers, to join this programme. All you have to do is whistle, groan, moan, whisper, yawn, fart, boo, tut, swear, laugh, tap, thump or immitate a cow, goat, pig, dog, cat, horse, lion, frog, lizard etc. during The Woman In The Red Dress's Physics periods. All help is greatly appreciated.

Meanwhile, Udyogamandal School is being terrorized by this hopeless, good-for-nothing, bitchy, irritating, shake-headed, Parkinson's disease addled, "loose-sari"ied, uncouth, uncultured WOMAN IN THE RED DRESS!

Stay tuned to Witness Times for timely updates, alerts, and more, on The Woman In The Red Dress....

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this news is not false . ok - maybe a liiiittle exaggerated :) ]

Legal Disclaimer: This post is intended as a satirical work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person or persons - living, dead, or being burnt to death in a second class train compartment in Godhra - is completely coincidental and unintentional. The views expressed by the author here are not even his own, and he seeks refuge in Article 19 of the Constitution of the Republic of India, the Bill of Rights issued by the parliament of the United Kingdom in 1689, and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Additionally, this article is not meant to offend any living or dead person, nor incite anger or hatred against people of a particular religious or ethnic community. The author believes in the equality of all men and does not believe in discrimnation against, or promotion of discrimination against any particular community. Discrimination in the author's view includes favours, including but not restricted to policies of affirmative action meant to favour one community over another. Thus, the crux of this article is a peaceful, non-seditious request to the students to treat all of its enemies, irrespective of caste, creed, religion or place of birth, equally.

If none of the above works, can somebody please tell me where I can get an air ticket to Cuba?

The woman in the red dress...

2006-05-28T00:55:00.000+05:30

May 27th
Saturday

Nope. Not "The Matrix"... A captivating lady has captured the whole of Udyogamandal School in her wake... But is she captivating? Read on, for THIS MYSTERIOUS WOMAN IN THE RED DRESS.....

Agent M, on his first report on this voracious lady, said,"Like physic-al man!"
NO! He's no pervert. What he meant, as we learnt later, was that this woman in question, was truly "physic-al." Nope, not physically, but physic-ally. Confused?

The mist might clear when we describe her, as a woman armed with the tools given by Einstein and Newton, and with the brains of a full grown orangutan.

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet, Mrs M, the woman in the red dress, the woman has got it none, the woman who stands as firm as 2 foot long pinnace in the middle of the Pacafic Ocean, the brand new, and hopeless, person, who has come to educate the young minds of Udyogamandal School in the field of PHYSICS!

WT Xclusive interviews reveal that this so called red dress in a woman.. uh. woman in the red dress, is as hopeless at teaching, as a monkey is at sewing cricket balls. To quote : "... tardy-apish nation..."(thanks to Shakespeare 'ol buddy).
With an Xclusive with the much acclaimed Mr AB, he said, "This fat piece of obesity, is nothing but a flea in a wormhole, and we're unfortunately her wormish targets!"

BUT IS IT SO? The much daring Mr R, guts upped to shout out his heart to the class teacher, who immediately took the truth to our beloved good old Great Brown Shark. And the Shark reportedly hijacked two students from a Chemistry period, and had them blurt out all adversities in the face of Mrs M. A looong session, said Mak, who was one among the hijacked.

And... Did she improve for the better? Dear reader, NO SIRREEE! She came back to class with a definite determined trait, vigilant to tear apart anyone who dared to break her spree of confusion.
And yes, she did speak to the hijacked. To Ms R, one of the hijacked, she said,"Consider me as your elder sister..."
The WT News Corps would like to convey our heart felt condolences to Ms R...

Thus says Mrs R, after a much exhilarating class : "Shes onto me! I'm on her hit list! Help me... Pleeeeeeeaasseeee...."
Sorry Mrs R. The Witness Times can do nothing, but wish a pleasant life in the underworlds above... R.I.P.........

And The Woman In The Red Dress already broke a record of hilariousness! Earlier, the record holder was an ex-physics teacher, who said "All those who are absent, please stand up..."
And now, Mrs Red, as we like to call The Woman In The Red Dress, said aloud in class :
"Now, you might not reveal your minds to your parents, because of the generation gap. But please do with me. After all, we are all the same age group..."
Will someone PLEASE remind her that she's 45 years old, and not in her sweet seventeens???!!!

She, her goatee like hair, and her belly, preceding her into a room, have already established a niche in the Udyogamandal School Community... And, a niche in the hit lists of the +2 section. We, at the WT, believe that the school refuses to send her away, since the management may have received a fat check as donation from Mrs Red... But of course, lets not walk into conclusions....

So, lets leave Mrs Red, her obesity, and her atrocious teachings here... And lets delve deeper into the synonyms of "Good bye for now"...
Good bye for now :) More on Mrs Red, the reservation issue, and Udyogamandal School... Keep tuned to Witness Times! Your number one stop shop for nothing...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this news is not exaggerated or false]

RESERVATIONS RIOT : A WT Exclusive

2006-05-19T23:19:00.000+05:30

Friday
19th May, 2006

The ongoing reservations riots in India have intensified... Police action has been intensified... But people, are ignorant, still...

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Welcome to the Witness Times Exclusive on the ongoing "Reservation Riots" and "The truths within", read on...

Before we continue, we would like to emphasise on the fact that this is the FIRST ever issue on WT which is being discussed in a serious, and non-lighthearted manner. Also please note, that these are OUR opinions, and we are expressing it according to the Right To Speech, and Press Rights.

FLASH TO THE PAST : While the Indian Constitution was being formed, there emerged a discussion about whether to initiate a reservation in education and employment for those "downtrodden" castes. Dr Ambedkar was against it. But Jawaharlal Nehru, and Mahatma Gandhi spearheaded the law, and it became a clause...

Little did the poor revolutionists know, that they had created a monster in disguise...
58 years have passed...
Small reservation reforms have been implemented...
Then came, the Big 2006 Bang...

Arjun Singh, the ambitious HRD Minister, spearheaded a move to increase the reservation percentage in the most prestigious institutions in the country, to 49.5%. Rounded to 50%.

~~~~
The Witness Times has made a study into the matter, and we have compiled a document, citing interviews, news items, and other snippets, captured from many news sites. It is available for downloading at http://www.blogforpeace.org/PERSONAL/reservations.doc
We also reccomend the reading of http://augustfury.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=34
~~~

These institutions included IITs, IIMs, AIIMs, JNU, and all other national level colleges in India.
A grade on student recites, "India is my country, and All Indians are my brothers and sisters. I shall respect every relegion..." And so on and so forth...
But somehow, the Government decided not to practice what it preaches.

Here are the ugly, grimy facts -

A reservation of 50% will mean that 50 students in every hundred, will be from the so called "downtrodden" castes, including SC ST and OBCs
In India, 32% population is SC ST, and OBCs
Of the students appearing for these colleges, 19% are from the so called reserved category
That means, even if a general category student gets more marks than a reserved studen in an IIT JEE exam, the general student is denied entry into the most prestigious institution, and the reserved student gets in. Same applies for every national college in India
The students have started an indefinite strike, supported by the teachers, and the IMA, against the new bill
The students have formed organizations, "Youth for Equality" and "United Students Forum", to conduct the strikes, and if possible, peaceful demonstrations
Strikes have turned violent. Reports say that Police beseiged a peaceful protest
HRD Minister has shirked off arguments, and is refusing to comment
Students have started a hunger strike

So next question you're going to ask is, then WHY the DAMN reservations if its making such a big issue??? Why did Human Resources Development Minister Arjun Singh raise the reservation issue that has so quickly and deeply divided India?
Simple. Mr Arjun Singh, the bloody we-refrain-from-saying-what-else, is uncomfortable with Mr Manmohan Singh's Prime Minister position. So by making a big issue, it will be a double hit, one to Manmohan Singh, and the other to the Congress chief, Sonia Gandhi.

So now, you're thinking, "Yeah right! This Witness Times does make a lot of 'stories'. Are you insane???? "

No dear reader! No! This information leaked, after the foolish HRD minister tried to get the support of Mr Rahul Gandhi. Rahul, pure to the Gandhi family, betrayed the betrayer, and the PRESS had a field day :) .

So what's the problem then? Can't the Congress withdraw the proposal?

Oops. A small problem here. The bill is NOT a proposal. It has actually been passed by His Excellency, the President of India, and thus, it is currently a law, pending inclusion in the Constitution.

And what's his gain you ask?

Arjun Singh cites a report by Pulak Chatterjee, additional secretary in the Prime Minister's Office who monitors the implementation of the National Common Minimum Programme. The report, Arjun Singh claims, states that work related to the implementation of the reservation bill is pending.

Indirectly, Arjun Singh implied that the PMO and Sonia Gandhi, as chairperson of the United Progressive Alliance who directly monitors the National Common Minimum Programme, wanted him to fast-forward the quota issue and he is doing it.
Also, Arjun Singh gambled that if the reservation issue can polarise the OBCs and pro-reservationists in favour of the Congress he could make political capital. This looks unlikely now because of the crude landing of the otherwise politically profitable issue.

Yep. Thats the current problem...

Mr Arjun wanted a laurel crown. But now he's in deep s**t. His party is in deep s**t. And protesters are crying BULLS**T!

The Witness Times has made a study into the matter, and we have compiled a document, citing interviews, news items, and other snippets, captured from many news sites. It is available for downloading at http://www.blogforpeace.org/PERSONAL/reservations.doc We also reccomend the reading of http://augustfury.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=34

Dear reader, we are leaving this issue here. We hope that you have got an overview of the issue, and will do your best to support this movement.

Thank you for your time and patience. We promise you, the document will answer ANY doubt you have. Since we do respect your opinion, do post your comments.

Ta ta, and Caio for now...

The Witness Times
The Witness Times News Corps 2006

A diminutive contest, a valuble vote

2006-05-01T23:05:00.000+05:30

Monday, May 1st, 2006
Kochi

Hello again all. Strutting lazily in the holiday frenzy? So was we. Keep at it. Don't let us disturb you. But since you're here and reading this, it means that you disturbed yourself, and we're not responsible for you not strutting lazily about...

Are we talking gibberish? So sorry. :) . Anyway, here's something for you to do. All of you visit WT, read WT, talk WT, comment WT, conspire WT, rebel WT... So WT is an integral part of your lives. Something which keeps you active, and lively, and open to the threats of the real world. So why not Vote for Witness Times?

Ladies and gentlemen, here's a way to show YOU CARE! Visit http://www.fantasy-nerd.com/survivalvote.php and vote for Witness Times!

Vote for us, and we will surely make it worth the vote by giving you more quality articles ;) . Just kidding :D. Anyway, do vote for us...

Thanky you...
The Witness Times

A page from Agent M

2006-04-28T16:02:00.000+05:30

Friday, April 28th 2006

Hello all...
We know dear reader, the pangs of boredom hits your eye whenever you look at our blog. You're bored and inflamed by the lack of quality posts during the last few weeks... I guess we owe you an apology. And we also think that its our duty to explain that the lack of posts was due to the closure of the Udyogamandal School for summer holidays.

Come May 17th, and we will be back on track, bringing you hot rumours and the best of the stories from good ol' Udl. But until then, we HAVE to keep you entertained... Right? Thus, we are forced to bring in net news, news from India, and maybe from all over the world. So here we have personal events by Agent M...

A page from Agent M...

Phew! Its so boring... Its damnation... Its hopeless...
These same emotions and phrases hit me, when I log onto the net, and open my mailbox. A typical day starts with 95 new mails, and 189 spam messages. Of the 95, about 20 will be from WT readers(lately, they have reduced, and have become more violent), and the rest from friends, family and other useless forwards...

If I had did as per what the forwards had asked me to do, I would have saved a little girl called Sarah from cancer about 152 times, I would have married my crush about 78 times, I would have been the happiest person on Earth about 56 times, all my wishes would have come true 49 times, all my worries would have vanished 27 times and I would have believed that the skull the size of 100 humans really existed...

I never look into spam. I have to thank Gmail for it! One click, and another for deleting... But IF I had looked into my spam, by now, I would have had a 52 inch penis, I would have been the most sexually active person in the world, I would be richer than Bill Gates, after inheriting a billion dollar estate from Lui Franc's uncle, a flourishing oil company worth 7.6 billion dollars, and the entire money in the Citi Bank headquarters safe and I would have got every single software in the world for $1000.

After sorting through all these, I go into the community mails folder... There will be atleast 100 mails waiting for me, informing me about the members who replied to my threads and other stuff...

So much for email...

Sometimes I get SO mad, that I run to the balcony, look up into the cloudless night sky, and cry, "AM I ALL ALOOOOOOONE????!!!!"
And in about 10 seconds I get 100 replies from all over the world, "Nooooo!! We are there with you.... We love your site... By the way, want to enlarge your penis?"

So much for Agent M ladies and gentlemen... We are worried that he might get elected as a candidate for the mental asylum if it goes on like this :D

And because of much public appeal(all which were negative) we have decided to put an end to the Ex-Curse-Ion series... Sorry for the extremely boring days :)

So ladies and gentlemen, we leave you alone here, to browse through the cloudless posts of Witness Times :)
Aloha for now :)

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Amusing Day Two[2]

2006-04-10T12:11:00.000+05:30

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Amusing Day Two[2]

19th March, 2006, Cumili; Continuation of Day 2... Agent M narrates :

I snapped his photo and ran back to the bus, which was precariously rumbling, threatening to take off without me. Yessireee.... We went to the Pride of Kerala. The only few places in the world were the majestic race of Bengal Tigers existed. Thekkady.

We got onto one of the "trusty" boats of Kerala Water Transport Authority, and woosh we went at a amusing speed of 10Km/Hr. Hmmm... So much for Thekkady. All we saw were a few elephants, majestic in taking their daily baths, vultures, deer and an abundant no. of a species named "Homo sapien sapien".

The poor boat driver too must have thought about the same thing, so he tried to make the trip more interesting by having a boat race with another boat operater... Interesting... We thus got an oppurtunity to enlargen our vocabulary of Malayalam Swear words :)

Later, we set out to a hill station named Moonar. On the way, we got down at a beaaautttiful place named "Ramalkalmedu". A great hill, a great trek, and would have made a great suicide spot :) It was a place from where we saw the earth as map. Thus we conluded that the maps we used in Geography were actually photos, taken from top of this wonderful hill.

Finally, we reached Moonar, and had our dinner at a exquisite restaurant which caused our wallets to be rather lighter. We retired at our residence, a retreat centre. Did I say retired? Sorry. We started off the night with a campfire. Songs, Dances, Games and many other forms of indigenous plays followed, which if captured on camera, would have been priceless!

Later, we tried our hand at the Ouija board again, with a positive response! The 'spirit' gave her CV as thus -
Name - Bhanu Divakaran
Death Date - 3rd April 1990
Cause of death - Murdered by drowning
Who? - Murdered by husband due to dowry case
Children - One boy, unnamed when she died

Thus clattering to the teeth, we lay on our comfartable beds, trying not to think of the harrowing and spiritual experience...

Thus ended Day II.... Ladies and Gentlemen, keep reading WT for Day III...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this news is not exaggerated. this news is not fake]

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Amusing Day Two[1]

2006-04-02T00:13:00.000+05:30

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Amusing Day Two[1]

19th March 2006, Cumili; Ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the loooooooooong gap between the two posts, but here's day two of the much acclaimed STD XI picnic. Again, we let Agent M narrate...

The beautiful day started at cockcrow, with the amber sun peeping over the bluish clouds of dawn. A hurried bath, and we were back to a very "posh" hotel, which consisted of 1 room, 2 untidily dressed guys(whom we later identified as waiters), 2 cooks(whom, if you had seen, you would never have touched the food), a couple of girl watchers and zillions of houseflies! We had a "delecious" meal, which later a few of my mates had to throw out from their stomachs, which consisted of a popular South Indian dish named iddily, cooked in the most biased way, so as to spoil the every pico-calorie of reputation the dish had.

We were almost throuch munching up the iddilies, which felt rather like rubber balls, when I noticed an invasion! French? British? American? Nope! Houseflies! Noticing the danger, I sent out an SOS emergency to my fellow partners, and I went up to a rather old waiter to tell him to put on the fan. He had a royal air about him, as if he was throwing this weight about...

He flatly refused my pleaded request. Since I was not in the habit of arguing with idiots, I quietly returned to my seat. But he hadn't let the incident slip. He came over and said :
"Kalshershoono lernnes"

Woah! I knew English. I knew Malayalam, the local dialect. I knew a bit of Hindi. But this language did not register. I looked at him blankly, and with a satisfied face, he turned away.
Later, my mates interpretted the coded language as "Cultures should be learned". Interesting... Whats turning on a fan got to do with culture? How much learning did it take to flip a switch? This man obviously though that we were coming from the remotest parts of the world, not ever seeing how a fan worked. Thus he must have tried to substantiate his superiority....

The poor man did not know whom he was dealing with... The poor oldy did not know, that standing before him was Agent M, one of the most dreaded eavesdropper in the whole of Udyogamandal School. The poor old oldy did not know that the cobra was going to show its true colours... Read on...

I took out a mobile, and with a proud flourish, hit autoring. The man's face would have made quite a photo! He was amazed, not to mention nonplussed, unnerved, mystified, perplexed and lots more other synonyms. He looked on as I proudly announced the cricket scores. He watched with an open mouth, as I kept it back into my pocket, and took out my mini radio...

I decided to gather my guts, and ask him about the "Cultures should be learned" part. I asked him in Malayalam what it was all about. The guy was probably not properly educated. But he wanted to show off what little English he knew. He said something to me, which I had great difficulty in deciphering. Again he repeated the earlier sentence, and I readily said :
"NO! Cultures should be OBSERVED... MANNERS should be learnt... And its the basic manner of a hotel to avoid houseflies."

He stood their openmouthed again. Did he ever think that we didn't know English? He was considerably aggravated, and he was out looking for more victims... Oh! I had created a monster! The ruthless Frankenstein in me!

Well, his victim was Mr R. The much acclaimed guy who represented the school in the Vox Populi fashion events. A handsome hunk, sought after by many gals. The poor guy was standing, supporting his dignity on a nearby table. The Mr. Oldy came along, and gave him a speech in how India had lost its moral values, and how youngsters were getting lesser and lesser Indian every passing day. He began shining a bit too much. He went on saying, asking whether any of us knew a single word in Sanskrit, the oldest language in the world, which originated from India. He expected blank looks. No siree! He didn't get them. I readily spat out whatever little Sanskrit I knew, and that was the WT moto, "thamaso ma jyothirgamaya", meaning "From darkness to light".

Unfortunately, Mr Oldy did not practice what he taught, because he immediately vanished from the spot. He was next seen after all of our group had left the so-called "hotel". But he seemed quite beaten, and downtrodden... Rebelious truimph soared in my heart... I -

I what? What more happened on Day 2? How did the Mr Oldy episode conclude? Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen, to Witness Times for the rest of day two... Aloha for now ;)

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps
[this news is not fake. it is not exaggerated.]

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Demented Day One

2006-03-21T18:51:00.000+05:30

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Demented Day One
18th March, India; Hello all. We bring you a 3 day series, as we follow the STD XI students of the Udyogamandal School, on a 3 day picnic, which started on the 18th March, 2006. The 27 member student force was accompanied by 2 teachers, a bus, and two members of the driving crew(duh!). The rest, we let Agent M narrate :

A day of absolute truimph, revelling, untold excitement, and all other synonymns that go with "enjoy". We, a group of 15 a handsome hunks, and 12 an ugly gals, with two teachers, as escorts(God Bless the poor Souls!)[R.I.P], wet out from the famous Udyogamandal School at around 0515 hours. The tour(excursion, picnic etc.) was based around Gods Own Country, Kerala.

"A trip to remember" as we said later on. But let me give you the finer details of the extravagant trip! After we set off, our first stop was a small little restaurant, to stuff our endless stomachs with a much needed breakfast.
After this, we set off again and proceeded on to our first destination. Idukki. A place of treasures, and a place often cursed by us Keralites. A place which happened to be the source of all electricity! We first visited a small barrier dam, a ordinary-of-the-ordinary dam, which contolled the mighty forces of nature, but somehow, the guards of this mighty Herculean structure was too pre-occupied with staring at our class damsels to see the unbeaten me taking pictures(will be posted later on)!

Next stop, the largest arch dam in the whole of Asia + the deepest elevator system in the whole world. This was the source of all electricity(mentioned earlier) and would have been destroyed if the Matrix was to take place in Kerala :D . A beautiful structure! About 250 metres tall, and 4000 metres above sea level. But there arose a problem.

Indian Beaurocracy at work shall we say? The guards refused us entry! We protested, yes we did, that the mighty river Thames would have given way, by playing cards. :) Finally under extreme pressure of boredom, and reckless adventure, not mentioning the extreme desires to rest their hormones by the sight of a few of the negative sex, relented(or was it the 150 bucks our teacher waved at them?). Anyway, we got on top of the stupid dam and shouted "Im On the Top of the Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrlllddddd!!!". But let me tell you this, if we were men(and women) of terroristic intentions, we would have bombed the dam with our lethal nukes. :)

We set off again, quivered by our early success, to the hills of Vagamon. Ofcourse, we did see more places in and around Idukki, but none of them actually worth mentioning. In Vagamon, we conquered the mighty "Kurishumala" by over two hours of trekking and hiking. A perilious journey, lasting over an expanse of 5 Kms. Of course, the journey would have been quicker, were it not for the intense drag of gals who pleaded for attention, and nature's calls :D . Before this perilious trek, a poor soul risked his life with an ass of a horse, which easily shunted his approaches with a slap of his ass :D
As we got on top of the legendary Kurishmala, we yet again shouted, "Im on the Top of the Wooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrllllllllllldddddddd!!!" After a quick drink of water, we started on our way back down, stopping only to roll down a few gals who delayed our descend :)

Night had conquered the mighty sun, and we retired in a hotel which was named high, and maimed high. There, under the cold roofs of the hotel, we tried a hand on Ojo boards(rather known as Oui-Jah boards) with which we were told, we could talk to spirits. At one point we thought we had succeeded, only to find out that the devil of the idiot of the guy who had acted as the medium had tricked us. A WWF fight followed, wherein we expressed our 'subtle' feelings for him :)

Thus the night started, and so did our siesta... Good Night :)

Thus ended day one of the x-curse-sion. Not very eventful. Not that exciting. Hold on to your coats, ladies and gentlemen, for day 2, which will be posted later during the week, the delay owing to the need for photos which will add to the versimilitude. Day two tends to be excting, untold, unique, and unbelievable(not to mention damn hilarious).

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this article is not exaggerated or fake]

Udyogamandal r Us! Uniform Change due to pervertism!

2006-03-04T17:11:00.000+05:30

Udyogamandal r Us! Uniform Change due to pervertism!

March 3rd, Udyogamandal; Ladies and gentlemen, if you need more evidence on how Udyogamandal school has lost its standard, and has become a rallying point for several underground gangds, read on!

On Friday, the Great Brown shark revealed to an absolutely amazed STD XI that there was going to be a change in uniforms for girls of STD XI and XII the next year. Yep. All students were absolutely stupified at this bolt from the blue, since the current uniforms were cool and trendy, requiring no change. The current set of girls' uniforms included a skirt, shirt, grey socks, and a pair of black shoes(*not including whatever else they wear for their modesty inside*). The girls loved it. The boys liked it. But not the management! Why?

Oh Yes, the Great Brown revealed to the crowd the reason. And the reason was... Was... (*wait for it!*)... A phone call...

A phone call from a very responsible mother, of a innocent primary section kid. And what did this witch of a lady say? She said that her son was perverted (to degree so great, that the boys of STD XI sat stupified to an extent of permanant damage).

Perverted? Yessiree dear reader! And this pervertism went to extreme heights. Such heights that no rational kid would go to! A height, that could easily have been climber using an elevator instead of the rope and threepin! What did he do?

This so called kid in concern got a brainwave to express out his encased emotions. Being a primary kid, he wasn't allowed upstairs. So, he went to the foot of the stairs, and stared up. The high school boys recognised him for what he was - Mr Trouble Maker. But they left him alone for the sake of all humanity. The high school girls were sympathetic towards the boy. They thought that he was chalking up his ambitions!

Little did they know, that he was doing nothing of that sort. Actually he was using a devious method, to do high end voyeurism! He was staring up their skirts which were easily viewable since they were up the stairs, and he was down!!!

Yes dear reader, it chilled the brains of even Agent M, who was sitting amongst the poor XIthers, listening haplessly to the cruel story of deceit(*or maybe wondering why he hadn't thought of it :D *).

But experts are still arguing. What did the little boy gain from this? He could have spent 1/billionth of the effort to get a porn movie! And here, the boy must have seen right next to zero, owing to the many layers of protective clothing the girls wore(*so many layers-the exact number not known-that a cricketer would have stood amused!*). Debators say that not all girls of Udyogamandal are as modest as we think they are. The debate is still raging...

Meanwhile, The Great Brown hit the panic button. Instantaneously, if not quicker, he reccomended a change in uniforms to his superior donkeys(*uh. officers?*). And when Mr Great Brown hits the panic button, its usually effective. The new uniforms proposed have not, but the slightest posibility of voyeurism! A girl wouldn't be safer covered in a heavy pair of parkas, enclosed in a vacumised container!

But the issue remains - Udyogamandal has become a rallying point for such underground idiots, who have neither the brains, nor the politeness! "Woe is life", says a STD XI gal. But as long as such idiots are around, its fiesta time for good old WT... So until next time people, good bye, bye bye, aloha, al vida, au revoir, toodle-o and all other synonymns of sayonara...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this news is not exaggerated. this news is not fake]

Ah! The suprisals of St Valentine : Part II

2006-02-23T23:38:00.000+05:30

Ah! The suprisals of St Valentine : Part II February 23rd, Udyogamandal; Ladies and Gentlemen, first, please give us the oppurtunity to apologise for a gap of 1 week without a post. We attribute this gap to our *excellent* internet sevice provider, who very providently cut our internet connection for a week, owing to the tiring action of some foolhardy script kiddie(hacker)! :D Back to the topic... The GREAT BET HAS COLLAPSED! The CEO of PAMPA, Ms Res, has been defeated in her part-battle bet for romance! She has failed miserably in attracting the eye of Mr J, on whom she had long since nurtured a soft spot. This news was to come out on February the 14th, but the mysteriours bet makers gave her another weeks time before she failed in the experiment.

Thus, today, she paid the whopping sum of Rs. 30/- (approx. $ 0.85/-) to the anonymous bet makers. But the day was not yet done with its surprises! No sirreee! Poor Mr. 23rd of February witnessed a great come together! Ms Res and Mr AB(the most infamous CEO of Bala's Girlfriend Club ) today united under a single arrow from Cupid's bow. Well, it might be one week after the Valentines day, but time is eternal for this new couple! Our Witness Times Agent M was able to procure a few Xclusive Interviews :

(1) With Mr AB
M : Hello!
AB : Hey ***h**e!
M : Um. Well yeah, ok. So what do you have to say about the very recent "come-together" between you and Ms Res?
AB :
M : Um, sorry! Didn't catch that!
AB :

As the situation had gone "speechless" we left Mr Speechless AB to go on with his activities...

(2) With Ms Res
M : Hiya!
Res : Hiya!
M : Whats up with you and J?
Res : Gone man, all gone!
M : Ok... So what about you and AB?
Res : Aaaaah... Mmmmmmm.... Oooohhh....
M : Uh? Res? I meant a comment. We dont need the exact recordings from yesterday night!
Res : Shtick
M : Tsish

Thus we leave Ms Res too, in a state of temporary dumbness...

(3) To Ms C, earlier sweetheart of AB
M : Hiya!
C : Hey! Whatsup?
M : Any comments on the Res-AB tieup?
C: No. None at all...
M : Why? Is it because you have got a new boyfriend?
C : Well, partly yes! KP is all I want in a boyfriend!
M : Ah! Ok. Cya then!
C : Bye!

Thus were the reactions of a few fellow students. But Ms Res did comment confidentially that she hadn't let Mr J off the hook yet. Woe is J! :D

Thus, we have, but to leave the lovesick couples, hoping that Udyogamandal School won't have to start its own baby bottle industry :D Au Revoir till next time(which will be quite soon, 'coz we have the sizzling article, but it needs a bit more research and pizzazz)

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[ This article is NOT false. This article may be a teeny bit exaggerated :) ]

Ah! The suprisals of St Valentine : Part I

2006-02-13T23:10:00.000+05:30

Ah! The suprisals of St Valentine : Part I

February 13th, Udyogamandal School; As the great day approaches, plans are in full swing , to incapacitate the poor innocent boys of Udl School! February 14th, the Valentines Day, holds a lot in store for Udyogamandal School. Or rather, Udyogamandal School has a lot in store for poor St Valentine.

Poor St. Valentine flagged off Valentines day, long time back, as a day for love, and friendship. But the state it has reduced to today, will probably pop Mr Valentines' eyes out! Oh yes! Today a group of "exiled" students(exiled from school to study for their approaching board exams) were seen hanging in and around the school premises. Spirits were high, and all students in the school left early today. And the reason? To prepare for the next day! To prepare the most despicable way to shudder a mate to death, by giving him/her gifts, not of perfumes or roses, but of kisses and sweet hugs.
Dear reader, this is not an exaggeration. Fortunately enough, one of our agents were able to spy into the casual conversations of a scheming pair of girls :

G1 : Tomorrow is a big day!
G2 : Oh yes it is! What will we do?
G1 : Dunno. I havn't bought anything yet. Have you?
G2 : I did! I bought him a lovely doll!
G1 : What? Boys don't like dolls you dumbone!
G2 : Is that so? Hmmmm... Do you think he will like my butterfly hairband instead?

Well, the conversation was somewhat similar to this, but the sinisterness of the text may be subdued a little when the fact is revealed that this took place between a couple of 11 year olds :D

Still, tomorrow holds a great secret to be revealed. "The Great Bet" its called! Made by the CEO of PAMPA, Ms Res, herself, for a boyfriend, in which a great number of boys acted cupids, to no avail! But another day left, anything might happen, which may include, but are not limited to, a full scale presentation, a strip show, a wet slap etc etc etc.

Thus, the boys of STD XI can look forward to a fantastic meal of 10 Munches( A sort of chocalate, something like Mars) as a victory meal, sponsered by Ms Res, if she fails to achieve her goal in successfully wooing Mr J to be her boyfriend, which has seemingly got impossible, owing to the fact that good old Mr J will be absent from the proceedings tomorrow due to a leg injury.

Well, like said earlier, anything might happen, on this Valentines day, and poor Mr Valentine can only stand and stare. What is to happen to the Great Bet? Continued tomorrow, in PART II! Stay Tuned! Toodle for now...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps
[This news is not exaggerated or fake]