the waterfall life

Leaving Isa Boletini

2007-06-04T07:53:00.000Z

Its been a long time since writing... so I almost don't know where to begin – except I've chosen one place to start writing about. I'm leaving the Isa Boletini neighbourhood... That's a strange thing... For the last month or so I've had all my house packed up – ready to leave – part of me couldn't even face being back in my apartment in the last several weeks, and as I write about it here now – part of me feels pretty sad to leave it all. The funny thing is – I don't even know where I'm moving to yet – I've just had this urge to leave...

Sounds like the Joni Mitchell song!

“I get the urge for going, but I never seem to go. I get the urge for going when the meadow grass is turning brown. Summertime is falling down and winter closing in...”

Unlike the song though - I know the reason I'm moving on – and its nothing so adventurous as having a nomadic soul! I came to accept that it just isn't healthy living with a broken down bathroom that shares the smells and leaks of the apartments upstairs and downstairs. It's time to go... its a broken down apartment that I grew to really like and gave my best and it became home – but it was also kind of lonely and kind of smelly! So my bags are packed and I've nowhere yet to go.

Every day I meet the people outside – neighbours that have little shops and nik-naks for sale. They've all grown affectionate towards me. When I see Isa looking out to the mountains in the north and the old apartment blocks – I just feel affection for Albania and wish I knew the country better, wish I was more involved in its life, but as ever I know that it will take its own time, and at least I am fortunate to have a beginning here.

I've travelled around in the last couple of months and been kind of transient – been in different Albanian cities and even to Montenegro. I've been in conferences, on holiday, in language courses, been with my new Albanian and International friends, staying round at their places overnight quite often and even been with my parents for two and a half weeks, I've begun the work of research that I came here for – and I'm growing in my life here – finding an identity in Shkoder, in Albania. I'm longing to be effective. I'm living out the normal Christian life of needing the Lord and enjoying Him and working through a hundred questions about myself and the world! I'm back on blogger and I'm well, and someday soon I'll really be leaving the Isa Boletini neighbourhood....

cool kids on the block

2007-03-18T12:58:00.000Z

I really liked this morning. It was a couple of weeks back. Judy and I had gone round to Margarets house to clean it - as she was coming back after being away for a month. Three boys were down in the yard and at first the older ones were "very cool" and the little one shy and giggling at the foreigners - but in the end after a few smiles and questions from us became good little buddies for the morning. While Judy went to fix lunch I played cards with them - hearing about tricks and games and seeing pictures of 50 Cents and Eminem on their cellphone :)

poems, prayers and promises

2007-03-04T09:13:00.000Z

"And talk of poems and prayers and promises and things that we believe in. How sweet it is to love someone. How right it is to care. How long its been since yesterday and what about tomorrow and what about our dreams and all the memories we share...For though my lifes been good to me theres still so much to do, so many things my mind has never known. Id like to raise a family. Id like to sail away and dance across the mountains on the moon."

Good old John Denver!

So the world is as it is - and to care means to really care - but with all the seriousness of how things are, it seems a secondary thing to think of tenderness and love and hopes and dreams - but its foundational. I'm so glad God has put this way before us - to love true and well. The more God teaches me about love the more I see how far from loving others I am - but also how much I long to love with the creative love of God.

"love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous, love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth, bears all things, believes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

road of hope

2007-02-25T13:55:00.000Z

I don't think too highly of myself at times, and in some ways there is such a validity in these thoughts – and in other ways I need to find truth to replace wrong ways of thinking about myself. At times a highland or coastal retreat seems the closest thing to rest I could find, at other times a deep understanding of my soul by another looks like the only way of completing “who I am”.

But there is only one narrow and secure path that is my only true journey – and it is not selfish, not futile (2 Peter 1:2-8). Though it is not an easy way to take it is life and life abundant not only for myself but for the glory of God and the blessing of others. The only reason I have hope in this path or even being able to walk this road – despite my thoughts of myself – is because God has made a promise to me – that I believe.

He said "You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called from its remotest parts, and said to you “You are my servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you” do not fear for I am with you, do not anxiously look about you for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:9-10

Freetown

2007-02-24T19:13:00.000Z

I saw “Blood Diamond” last night.

I have a lot of things to say – but I don't know how or where to begin – and in all honestly I feel I have no right to say a word – because as one who briefly loved Freetown, I lived without the scars of the war. I just want to see the place again. I wrote a poem about Freetown before the war reached. That's over 15 years ago – the war must have been just about beginning.

I never realised over these years that the root cause of the war was over diamonds. I believe it was – because that is what Sorious Samura said and I take his word – because he was willing to die for Freetown and for filming the footage of "Cry Freetown" the traumatic real life documentary of the siege in Freetown in 1999. Filmed to show the world what was happening. This brutal war and unrest lasted years.... like other African civil wars. I had always thought there must be a deep cause – some historical deep rooted tribal and international cause – but the pure, selfish exploitation takes its credit and has reigned free and I wonder how the whole world is standing yet when forces such as that have been unchecked. I can't get over it, and I don't think I ever will. And I wasn't even there...

Freetown
(by Elisabeth Smith early 1990's)

There is a diamond rich, poverty poor country that used to be my home.
Lion Mountain the meaning and Sierra Leone the name:

The roads are covered in holes
Tin roofed wooden houses look like they'll fall down.
Colonial buildings still stand.
A bell on an old church rings.
An Islamic cry sounds throughout the town.

A skinny dog sniffs food in open gutters.
Two young boys run barefoot through the streets.
A lady carries a bowl of peanuts on her head.
A young man chews on a kaola nut as he wanders down the road.

The sun goes down and fills the skies with radiant orange and red.
Dust rises as a little girl pushes her metal wire wheel toy.
She walks towards a now candle lit stall selling candies and cigarettes for a penny.

People are begging. Others are dancing.
Some are hungry while others are high.
A distant tribal drum beats from the mountain jungles.
Does it speak of previous war – or one to come?

There is a natural truth under the African sun.
I laughed and ran with street kids.
Ate fresh pineapple on the beach and watched 13 foot waves.
My journey is now taking me to new worlds, peoples and lands.

Oh for eyes to see and a life of love to bring.

miraculous, foundational and simple treasures

2007-02-17T21:28:00.000Z

Is not the sky and the sun and the wind a delightful truth when they are warm and gentle and clear and blue? That's how they were today. A simple treasure as I carried firewood and swept a yard at a friends house. I enjoyed the work outside when the morning was so fresh. With the same lightness as today's weather I'm grateful for an inspiration of building well upon a foundation. There are so many ways to be faithful to the building up of our lives – faithful in our relationship with God, faithful in our love for one another, faithful in the responsibilities of the works that we are called to do. And in this faithfulness lies a lasting treasure being built upon a sure foundation. This determination can be out of focus at times with desire for other treasures and it holds true that “where your treasure is – there your heart will be also” How grateful I am to know the contentment of heart that has allowed me to see the treasure of the simple and foundational. I have been so aware of “being lifted” like Van Morrison sang, and I know it is not from my own strength. I know that so many people have prayed for me since I have been in Albania, and that in itself is precious, but that God has heard and in His faithfulness has answered – there in lies the treasure of the miraculous.

“No one is able to lay another foundation besides the one laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if anyone builds on this foundation gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, the work of each will become evident, for the Day will make it clear” 1 Corinthians 3:11-13

sojourning

2007-02-13T18:26:00.000Z

You can never really guess what the turns and the tides of life will bring...

I got an email from a friend telling me about the fun in the snow in England at the moment – snowball fights, snowmen, 5 hours spent with friends sliding along in the car for a usually 20 minute journey! And I am here – and I would have been there... and would have loved it! Here – the rain is pouring down and I zip through the puddles on my bike riding one handed with an umbrella in the other. I'm studying a book on “self discipline” and I'm making new friends who speak Albanian and have lived another kind of life. I'm happy – I just never could have guessed this. I've got to live this new life with as much commitment of delight and love as I would have - a snowball of fun across the waters. Is that saying goodbye to a life lived before? I don't exactly think so – I'm just sailing along with the currents and having been pulled far along in an undertow I'm learning to make sense and build new life on this “treasure island” that Gods wind blew me upon.

I have been this way since since childhood never ever wanting to let go of life that in reality was already transpiring away from me, like a vapour, like a tailwind. Its the people who have always been most important - though landscapes and seas, mountains, trees and old houses and dogs all had their weight of glory. My comfort in that is that God is a God of the eternal – and his relationships last forever – I can trust all my true friends of memories and present day to that. And here on the temporary planes they are out there sailing the seas too, and those surfing the same waves, well we'll bump into each other again one day – and I shall offer them exotic teas from foreign fields before once again sojourning on.

cartoon life

2007-02-10T23:43:00.000Z

Me in cartoon!
www.weeworld.com

...glimpse of an evening

2007-01-24T20:54:00.000Z

Its been cold and rainy all day and I've just come home. Its evening, and the electricity is off. I found all the candles I could and have lit them all. They are lovely – and I hope they will last the evening... I have a little radio that my friends sent for a Christmas gift – it runs on batteries and I was so pleased to find a classical music radio station tonight, so its been lovely listening to that as I swish around the house cleaning it up and making it cosy! While cooking up dinner the radio station began to change and went to Arabian, Turkish Albanian music, then on to Italian opera – and now is an hour of Elvis Presley! Radio Shqiptar has given me a charming evening! I'll settle down to reading my present “books to read” and I feel so grateful for all I have and enjoy. Oh – do you like the lion that sits on top of my fridge?

what a gift for the day and forever

2007-01-14T10:27:00.000Z

A new day is here, a new day dawned by Gods grace.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world gives, give I to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

There is no peace not "like" the peace of Christ, but "except" the peace of Christ. It is not like the peace of the world. When I have read in the Bible about not being troubled or afraid or recieveing the sustaining of the Lord I've often thought of it to be a word for those in some kind of trial or battle that relates to a spiritual sacrafice or deep and powerful faith building in the midst of living out the life for the sake of the Gospel. But - today - I take it just as it is. Don't let my heart be troubled, cast my burden because the Lord will sustain me - not in some noble pursuit - but in the struggles of cleaning house or not worrying about what people might think of me or what I think of myself. A heavanly word for the earthly day.

"You will keep them in perfect peace - whose mind is stayed on thee (Jesus, my Saiour)" Isaiah 26:3

wild seas, gladiators and a day trip to Durres

2007-01-11T19:39:00.000Z

Started out in the rain in Tirana, I waited by the Skanderberg Statue and recognised Flori who had been playing the drums in church a few days before – where I had met Marieke and Peter who had invited me to come along with them for the day out to Durres. Flori had a big umbrella and so, inspired, on the way to the train station we bought a couple of umbrellas at the side of the road. I have a nice red one now :) The bus trip was fun, we talked away and were glad we were at the back not with the man in the row in front who had to sit with his umbrella up against the window as the rain was poring in!

After exploring the sea port and the old castle walls, the palm trees and old statues we had a coffee in the castle tower. The steps up to the top were huge big steps and it was cool to find a dusty old gramophone in a corner. We drank cappuccinos in the smoky tower with loud music on and talked of travels and wondering the world!

Ready to explore we climbed the uphill cobbled street, found some beautiful oranges growing on a tree then came across the second century amphitheatre. It was amazing to be there. We paid the 100 Lek to the old guy who sits in a little shed by its gate and soon we were reading about how the gladiators and slaves would be sent out to fight for entertainment. We found all sorts of treasures like a cross symbol and a mosaic and tunnels and steps and hidden passages. It was fun. I could almost hear lions roar.

We trundled back down the hill to the sea and in the wild wind and rain walked out along the pier to be as close as we could get. On the way back there was a really nice old shed out on the sea front that Marieke and I both quite liked the look of and we tried our best to take photos of it – though it was too far away for our camera lenses. It was cool finding out that all three of us girls had grown up internationally and all spent time growing up in Africa. Good to meet people with some kind of common background which is quite rare for “third culture kids” as they call our brand of childhood! And cool to think that each one of us ended up in missions in Albania too... These guys live in Tirana – but will be great to meet up with them again when I'm down there, or they may travel up north one day...

Our day ended finding a nice restaurant and lots of pasta and seafood before sheltering under a canopy in the dark while night fell and a hail storm blew through, but soon enough we were all getting toasty and warm on the overcrowded bus back to Tirana. A great day out!!

These photos are of children's painting that were printed large across a wall in Durres. They all represent hope for Albania. One says “flying together with the dove of peace” Have a look at the photos of the day in Durres in Beth's Photos. They are quite fun!

so I have the blues?

2007-01-10T18:14:00.000Z

Well, I'm not really sure I want to write this blog entry... cause its not very happy... I've got one to write up of a visit to a 2nd century ampitheater in Durres and old old city of Albania. It'll been cool to write that up some day soon! And there is more to say about Albania and its people and its needs and its landscape. But for now back to myself and the blues...

Its just about 7pm and that's been my bedtime for the last 3 nights. I've been ill for five days. Not been able to eat, been weak, been aching. Sometimes the electricitys been off. For most of the time I've questioned everything from my purpose and worth, integrity and relationship with God and man! Its been turmoil. I've sort of agonnised over these thoughts that turn into deep emotional feelings and the ache has gone alongside the physical wrenching of my body. So, there are my blues. I'd find no strength but to be in bed by 6.30pm and I'd not wake up enough to get out of bed till gone 9am at the earliest. Its been hard. I don't understand it and I know I'm struggling - somewhere, somehow.

Last night in the dark in my room, I read the Bible with a torch/flashlight. I read Isaiah 40, 41, 42. Amazing passages. I read Psalm 25. One part of Isaiah says "Like a shepherd he will tend his flock, in his arm he will gather the lambs and carry them in his bosom; he will gently lead the nursing ewes"

The image spoke to me and I saw the good shepherd - laying accross the gateway, the rain was pouring down and it was a moonlight night, he was strong and large and though it seemed he was sleeping - he was awake. And then I saw a lamb - small and dejected, cold and worn and dirty in the rain and sad in its heart. It was so close to the shepherd for it could see him sleeping, protecting the fold. It was far from friends or family and its little bleats could only travel so far accross the cold winds and there was no other sheep in sight. And so the lamb slowly went to the arms of the good shepherd and rested there, and he took the lamb in his arms and held it close. Yeah - and that lamb was me.

I can't desribe what I'm going though or even why, but I know my only true answer is the good shepherd who never sleeps or slumbers nor does he grow tierd. I am slow to know the love of the shepherd - even though I am so close to him and I skip along and try to follow him. I'm not sure why I do not rest more often in his loving and strong arms.

In writing this now I see another truth - God gives beauty for ashes. My lowest place is exchanged for beauty from God. And I am getting better, but I'm not through it yet - though the shepherd doesn't change - and he loves me, so aleast (or at the most) I've got strong arms to hold me.

grace is whispering...

2007-01-05T11:18:00.000Z

Lord Jesus - thank you for not giving up, for loving me even this day...
Thank you for the grace you whisper in my heart and in my ear...

I know I have a long way to go - but you love me
Sorry for the sin you know that is continually before me
Sorry for the judgement I pass on to others as I weigh it down upon myself
Oh your grace that whispers to me,
It is for freedom, that you have set us free...

"for you have not recieved a spirit of slavery leading to fear again,
but you have recieved a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out "Abba! Father!"
Romans 8:15

Greg Parsons

2007-01-04T14:57:00.000Z

I found out today that a friend of mine died in an accident. He was 25 years old. I knew him in the Christian Union of the University of Abertay. He had a heart to minister to hurting children and was living to do so. He was impacted by the suffering of the world, and chose to live to bring light into darkness. He loved Jesus and was gentle and kind. His name was Greg.

There's a quote I wanted to write about today - before I heard the news about Greg. I think its okay to still write about that quote. I think Greg would agree with it. I hope its okay to talk about these things in the same space as sharing my respect for Greg and the sorrow I feel at this news. To me, they both kind of fit together.

We are alive and what are we living for, what are we doing in this world? What am I doing? I want to make use of the time I've got - and I want it to be for "being Jesus" alive and well on this needy and misplaced and broken earth. I can see the happy side of life, the fun and comfort and all the rest - but I want to live for the side of life that is crying out for life. In heavan I'll know freedom and joy - but will have no more opportunity to meet the hurts of the broken or stand up for all that is good in the midst of all that is bad. I heard it called "the art of redemptive suffering" once. Help us Lord Jesus to follow you! To be like you! To let you shine through our lives! Give us your heart Lord, and call us close to your side so we know well how to follow you...

Two guys are talking to each other, and one of them says he has a question for God. He wants to ask why God allows all this poverty and war and suffering to exist in the world. And his friend says "well, why don't you ask?" The fellow shakes his head and says he is scared. When his friend asks why, he mutters "I'm scared God will ask me the same question" Over and over, when I ask God why all of these injustices are allowed to exist in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, "you tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet." ~ The Irresistable Revolution, Shane Claibourne

I'm so sad for those that Greg has left behind. I'm so glad I knew him briefly. I wont forget about him nor the life he chose to live. Lord I'm glad he is will you, bless him so much.

Tirana new years eve

2006-12-31T16:46:00.000Z

So its new years eve... It's been an incredible year really – when I think about how different life is now from a year ago, but in all honesty I've not done any reflecting yet on the year gone by as a whole. I'm in a hotel/guesthouse room, in bed (warm and cosy there) in the dark – I've just watched “Casino Royale” on my laptop – and outside I'm seeing and hearing many fireworks go off – they are like gun shots and sparkles in the sky. I'll put the light on soon – but I quite like the atmosphere as it is. I've got music flowing through my headphones. I'm in my own world... It's funny, no one else is here at the guesthouse. I guess no one normally would be over new year! Here in Albania - everyone is with family. No one is alone. Though in Tirana - Albania's capital city - I have seen some poor people who are alone - they are in poverty, or alcoholic, or world weary. I've seen a few people like that today - and havn't known what to do for them... Anyway - I don't feel lonely here, alone in this guesthouse in Tirana's center. I know in truth I'm not alone becuase there are so many people in my life, not to mention God. It's kind of good to be a lone at times. Its good to have some away/alone time in these few days. I need them this time round. I do want that time of good reflection as I step into the year. I hope these few days ahead will have that for me.

I was at church this morning, an Internatinal church. It was a good message and I just wanted to worship God during the time of singing. Soon, I'll get ready and go to a get together this evening with foreign missionaries to celebrate new year.

I think what I care about the most at this time – is my heart of dependancy upon God. The compassion I feel within me – that I believe is from God. The desire for God to lead me in rightous ways – to be changed continually by God – day by day – to live the life that reflects Him. I want to express Gods love to the needy more than ever – and still it seems a step or two away. I have small ways of extending Gods grace and love and mercy and generosity – but they seem so small. A smile, a touch, a word, a gift, a listening heart. How I wait for the day of more expression of Gods love through my life. I long for God to make me holy. I know I love God more as the year passes, and I know I could love him so much more. Though my aspiration may be good - I'm so aware of the simple nature of "me" - the ordinary, the hopeful, the happy, the needy, the sinful, the girl, the grown up child.

I think of my friends too, and my family.
I'm hopeful for all that is ahead, and I'm ready to move forward in hope, in Gods hands and in His love, I'm ready to not look to far behind – committing the past and the future to Jesus – there is nothing more “righteous” as being dependant upon God, knowing his presence, filled with his spirit, walking in step with his desires. God is so good – he is goodness – he is all that is right. God is above all. My eyes are looking to God for this year. He is worthy of every praise and every honour, and every love.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T00:17:00.000Z

Merry Christmas!

Hope it's a wonderful time for you - wherever you are. Hope you will be a real joy to the people around you. Hope we remember Jesus and give special attention to him! How good our Lord is and hope we will be close to him. It's his birthday!!

I am well and enjoying the business of the time. There have been church services for kids and adults, have wrapped about a hundred gift boxes for kids, and have enjoyed being round at people houses. The weather is cold and fresh and snow seems just about in the air. My home is warm and cosy with my new heaters and little christmas tree and sented candles... and well stocked up with chocolates that came as gifts! It's been so good getting post from people and I've had a great Christmas with gifts from friends and family.

Just want to say that all is well and I wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

Prishtina, Kosova

2006-12-03T10:44:00.000Z

“lift up your eyes on high and see who has created these stars, the one who leads forth their host by number, he calls them all by name, because of the greatness of his might and the strength of his power not one of them is missing.” Isaiah 40:26

High on the Macedonian mountains, in the black of night, while everyone on the bus was sleeping I saw stars. I had never seen them as beautiful before. It was so dark, with the hint of deep blue that comes to the night skies, and the stars were clear and bright, but most spectacular where the number of them. The stars filled the whole sphere dome of the sky. From the horizon and the silhouetted mountains there was no empty space – all was filled were multitudes of stars. I couldn't take it in – I was wide awake, full of anticipation to see them all – but with the radius of my vision I could only see a small part of the sky! When the bus winded down the mountains I could lean so still and comfortable and peaceful by the window – looking up seeing a twirling, clear and bright in the dark night, panorama of the starry hosts! This was the beginning of the two day trip to Kosova.

Every border crossing on both sides (Albania, Macedonia and Kosova) all passports were checked, and Louise and I being the only foreigners we would get out into the cold to explain who we were and show our permits. We drove through the night from 6pm onwards, on a bus full of students going home for the holiday of independence in 1912. Everyone was excited and talking. We made two stops to roadside cafés. In the small hours everyone was asleep. About 5.30am we arrived in misty, cold Prishtina, bargained with a taxi driver to take us to where we were staying for 4 Euro, and went up another hill to our friends home. It's a lovely big home with heating on the floors and lots of English food – like muffins and homemade blackberry jam. I felt right at home! I really enjoyed staying at Justine's house, and hearing some of her life there. After a nap we were recommended to go to the Phoenix for a good English breakfast – its the pub where all the foreigners go – and there are a good number of foreigners in Prishtina because of the peace keeping troops and diplomats etc. Of course my mind thought of the war that Kosovars and Serbians endured just 7 years earlier. There are big UN buildings and still a military presence in Prishtina. I couldn't begin to write about that – cause I don't know enough about it.

We set off, the modern urban architecture was bizarre! It was cool to see it. Only managed to get a couple photos of buildings, it was really misty and cold. There was definitely a lifelessness and residue of the awful things of the past there in the city – and I wont even attempt to comment on that. Found some graffiti, bought a book from the book seller on the street and finally we found the Phoenix, a simple but lively pub. Everyone knows each other, a mixture of foreigners that drink beer. The football and rugby were on, I had a gorgeous steak and onion sandwich and local beer and Lou and I shared our life stories of knowing Jesus with each other which was cool. We wondered back up the misty hill in the dark of the evening having seen all we could see! And finished the day with spaghetti and a film.

After church the next morning Justine took Louise and I and a British couple staying with Justine to the Serbian quarters of Prishtina. There is an area that is Serbian and back roads to travel to that area. The language spoken is different and the houses too. It was interesting. We went to a local restaurant and had pork – which is taboo in the Albanian part of Prishtina. Really tasty meal. Then visited a 15th century Orthodox monastery. I loved seeing the city and land from the landrover and hearing about Kosova. Home for coffee then back to the bus and the 10 hours to Tirana. Again I saw the same stars on the way back, again it lifted my spirit. At about 2am we were all taken off the bus for the second search at the border – all bags taken off, some opened, but nothing found whatever was being looked for... Made friends with a little girl who made up a bed in the seat in front of me. Got back to Tirana at 3.30am ready for sleep. Nice to wonder home to Louise's house in the quiet city that normally is noisy and bustling.

The photos will tell this story better! See 'beths photos' for more.
It was a cool trip.

one thing I seek - psalm 27

2006-11-30T09:27:00.000Z

I seek many things. More often than not they are simple things. I saw "Alexander the Great" last night - and I do not seek to conquer all of Asia and India and beyond for glory or escape - but I follow hard after 'my life' and its fulfillment on lots of levels, and do find that there is something elusive in all the world holds, even in living out my 'christian life'. I suppose it natural to seek to be and do well and enjoy contentment and love and be provided for and be fulfilled. But Psalm 27 speaks of something different. It says

"One thing I have asked of the Lord and that I will seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord" and then further "When you said "seek my face" my heart said to you "Your face oh Lord I shall seek" and then the encouragement at the end "Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage, yes wait for the Lord."

In Isaiah 40:31 it says "Those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tierd, they will walk and not become weary."

I wait at times on the Lord. I do seek his face. And yet is the Lord my "one thing I seek"? But I do know and belive in my heart that life is renewed in His presence and there is joy inexpressible when Christ is all that is desired and the one pearl of great price that is worth everything else. I am glad of the grace of the Lord on this journey of finding God as King, and I am glad that Jesus Himself showed a life of friendship and adventure and deep love and wisdom.

And as I ponder these thoughts I'm looking forward to the pancakes, caffe latte and freshly squeezed oraange juice I've ordered for breakfast! Though there is a rightful place for the King that we more often than not do not give - yet still he shines the sun and gives the rain and his call is a call to the heart and he has the way to call to the heart - through his majestic bueaty and love. He truely is the one thing worth seeking.

Pancakes are here!

the walk

2006-11-28T15:01:00.000Z

Hi. My prayer letter didn't send out to people via email - so I'm putting the main part of it here on the blog. It's a story of a walk this month, not sure how that adds up as a prayer letter - its probably better off as a blog entry! Anyway - hope you are well. Next month prayer letter should work out ok! Much love!

A much needed time with the Lord was had this morning – and He spoke to my heart and life as He always does as I wait at His feet. Two nights ago I had a sleepless night and my prayers throughout that night were almost wordless, I didn't have the clear words to pray – but from the night came the simple clarity of prayer – that I would be able to hear and to know God's voice. And the quiet voice of the Lord that spoke in the morning was the words “trust me”.

As I stood looking out the window this morning – looking over the neighbourhood and little roads in between many buildings - some very old, some very new, and out to the mountains in the distance, I heard a small voice – “go for a walk, take the first road you can into the midst of this neighbourhood, go and explore.” I got ready, packed my rucksack with camera, kit-kat, phone, Bible, journal, pen, 1000 Lek (Albanian money) and a few booklets about Jesus. I wondered where this walk would lead me and I was prepared for every outcome or idea I could imagine!

I walked out of the apartment block. Lili was sitting there as always and the thought went through my mind to give her a booklet about Jesus. I figured I would do that on the way back. I stopped for a chat and told her I was off for a walk. She suggested I go the other way, as the way I planned to go was where all the mountain people lived and she didn't have too high an opinion of them and their ways! I said I would be very careful, but wanted to go see the area. I saw a little road, almost blocked with high walls, to the right and thought – “it can't be the way to go can it?” I walked on and saw a little gypsy boy. I saw him meet another young boy about his age, who wasn't a gypsy and they started to push and fight each other. I walked towards them, looked at them with a question and a concern and the boy walked away and the gypsy boy hurried on down the road. I wondered “Lord did you bring me out here on the walk for that boy?” I found the next road to the right, explored and walked down every narrow path and every one led me to a big gate or a big barking dog. I thought “Okay Lord, I'll go back to the first road.” I did, and walked down to find a big gate and a barking dog. So, then further along the other way, I walked through the markets – through all the stalls and little paths right out to the other side. After another dead end and another muddy road I found myself out on the main street beside Isa Boletini statue, in front of my house.

I turned back and thought “Go the other way and take the next road to the right.” On and on, I took every road to the right, every road was a dead end – once with a Catholic church, other times like usual – big walled gates. Now I was way down by Margaret's house. Near that neighbourhood there is a hill that we can see from Margaret's house with an antenna on it. We have felt like trekking up there for a good view and time to reflect, and I thought, “Ah maybe I'll get there today...” but nearing the road I began thinking “Oh, maybe it's all just been about me going to Margaret's house for a coffee and a prayer.” Which would have been good, but in my spirit which was now feeling futile, I was thinking “What on earth am I bothering with this faith walk for!” Then I heard within – “stay on the road, don't turn off, keep going” I sang the song – open the eyes of my heart Lord, and walked on down the road back towards my neighbourhood.

I liked the walk cause it was a wide rocky road with interesting things to look at along the way – like a speeding motorbike in the distance or an old man pulling a big sheep along with him (I did feel sorry for the sheep). At the end of the road was the turning – the right went back towards my home and the left to where the pastor and his wife and family live. I love going there for my lessons. I'd be there all the time happily, but I knew it wasn't a time to visit – so instead did not turn left or right – but went straight ahead. It was grassy – not really a road at all and it was a wide space. Buildings were being built on either side and the view ahead was of mountains and a hill with various species of trees and a catholic church and a fortress. I thought – “Wow, I'll go there!” I walked as far as I could only to meet, at the grassy verge, a big wide ditch with a river running through it. There was no way to even think about crossing, so I turned around and in the other direction view was the hill in the distance with the antenna. On either side were places I would love to go, but it wasn't for today. As I walked quite contentedly back towards the turning for the road that would take me home – I looked at some graffiti on a wall. In big letters was “KA PLLAN” in Albanian it means “HE HAS A PLAN” and I knew that at the heart of my life I had no plan, no map, no idea! But God – He knows exactly, He has the plan, He has the map, He knows it all. Its not even for me to know or to plan the big picture, but it's my honour and joy and mandate to follow and trust in Him, who knows the beginning to the end.

I was ready to go home. The walk had served its purpose. I know the gypsy kids are in my heart, I know sometimes life seems to have no clear direction, I know I love this church here, I know I am so interested in knowing Albania, I know I can try many roads before knowing the right one to take, but most importantly I know God is the only one who knows the plan of my life, and He knows the way I can and will go as I listen to Him and follow Him. I don't know the way, but I know God and I need to trust Him, I want to hear His voice and follow in the way that He leads.

As I neared the apartment block, there was Lili sitting in the sun with her cardigan on and all the little nick-naks she and her husband sell every day. We talked as usual about a good few things and then I asked her if she would like to read something about Jesus. Lili said no, she reads her own religion books – Muslim books, and she is learning from them little by little. I said to her that if the time came that she wanted to know about Jesus – I was ready to share with her. She appreciated it. And we talked more about her mother and other things. We are becoming neighbours and friends.

Please pray that I will know God's voice and know the direction to stay in or to take at the right time. Its really important for me right now. I have surrendered my life and all its plans and ambitions to God, and I do not want to run in any other direction than the one He already knows is best.

list of fours distraction

2006-11-28T08:49:00.000Z

Here is a list of fours entirely inspired by my friend Mary. A nice distraction to the days work! Let me know if you write up your own list of fours!

The List of 4s:

four jobs i have had in my life:
1. server in a delicatessen and bakery in Scotland
2. grounds crew worker at MBI in Chicago
3. missionary in Albania
4. support worker in a homeless project in England

four movies i would watch over and over:
1. out of Africa
2. last of the mohicans
3. chocolat
4. motorcycle diaries

four places i have lived:
1. Edinburgh
2. Sierra Leone
3. Chicago
4. Albania

four tv shows i love to watch:
1. 2000 acres of Skye
2. northern exposure
3. lost
4. the wonder years

four places i have been on vacation:
1. Michigan
2. France
3. Isle of Lewis
4. Nova Scotia

four of my favorite foods:
1. thai green curry
2. anything with tomato, chilli and lime
3. good cheese cake and diet coke
4. kimchee, rice, fried egg and seasame leaves!

four places i would like to be right now:
1. playing backgammon with Catherine near the fire at Bond Street, with Gareth and Anna around somewhere nearby, with nothing to do but hang out, walk in the park, cook good food, make tea and watch films!
2. with all the family at Bridge Cottage, Isle of Lewis
3. back on the Liberan coast with friends from long ago
4. on a travelling adventure with all my best friends!

four books i'd read again:
1. the singer trilogy
2. the counte of monte cristo
3. the divine conspiracy
4. anne of the island

four songs i listen to over and over:
1. danny's song - lynn anderson
2. the promise - tracy chapman
3. the vally song - jars of clay
4. run like the wind - barbra dickson (I used to love that song when I was a kid)

four things i hate:
1. the teeth moulds the dentsit used to make us wear - tasted yucky
2. being confused, not understanding or knowing whats right or wrong
3. breathing in water when swimming under the sea
4. most of all - the hurtful things of the world

four random things i love:
1. giant waves
2. lots of different types of comfort - like nice home environments - wooden furniture, fireplaces and sofas and colourful blankets and carpets with good company, films, coffee and well stocked fridge and cupboards of good food, being wrapped up cosy and warm in wooly jumpers while being outside in wild and beautiful nature, clean and fresh smelling clothes, going out for dinner in a tropical place after spending the day at the beach and having had a refreshing shower...
3. travelling in ramdom places in landrover with a camera
4. good warm open conversation and spending time together with absolute acceptance

special

2006-11-19T17:55:00.000Z

There's no doubt about it - we want to be special - somehow...
Actors and actresses, famous people, the adventurous, the inventive.
People compelled - there's no getting round the fact that they just can't give in from doing that which defines them, makes them known. I'm the same. I'm compelled. I follow hard after the things which I believe in, the things which give me a reason for living. I want to do something special with my life. But in so many regards I am not at all special. People all over the world are doing things or living lives that inspire me. What I see as most special is the life lived for God - with love and peace and joy, with faith, with humility, with no self interest, with little care that they are seen to be special or not. They already know they are so special to God, and there is nothing more wonderful for them than being all consumed with Him.

Tonight in church a lady cried out - Lord we are hungry for you, for your Holy Spirit. She prayed a prayer, she cried a prayer of hunger for God - of longing just for God. It brought me into His presence, it showed me my own hunger. Our faith and love relationship with God can build up one another.

Jesus already has seen us as special - so special that he gave everything to fill our lives with value. That was the message in church tonight, to live with optimism not pessimism, to have the outlook of God who has already given all to us. Man - so often I am brought low - in spirit, in health, in heart. It was good to hear the call to the joy of heart in the easy and the difficult times. Living today with the outlook of Christ, living today with victory - serving where we are. Living out the life of mercy and love and the goodnews today, because we are loved by the God of heavan and earth.

I do want to do something special with my life - but I don't want to need to be seen as special in the eyes of others. I want to be special to the One who has made me more special than I could dream or imagine, and this beauty bestowed on me - I'll see it in heavan. A real hunger is the hunger for God when we finaly realise that nothing else compares.

hot water bottle

2006-11-13T18:14:00.000Z

Margaret bought me a brand new hot water bottle. Its bottle green with a little aqua mixed in, and the screwtop has been fashioned out of the bottom of a light bulb! It's filled with hot water and is warming up my bed that has a new blanket on it. The lights are out - no electricity and I have about 10 candles lit up in different parts of the house. Its very homely and old fashioned!

Last night I didn't sleep - a flu has hit me like a hammer and the cold is here and I have a hundred thoughts - and out of it all - I knew I just desired to hear and know Gods voice. And the still quiet voice that has spoken to me says 'trust me' and those words will never change - for God is trustworthy always.

I am thinking of my Mum and nephews this day and night - but none the less I feel I have never been quite as blessed as I am just now because God has chosen me to live here in this northern town with the people he has chosen for my life - and it is special, and God himself is my soulmate and teacher and his grace and love are ever present. And my bed is going to be warm tonight - and I have a feeling I will lay down and sleep in peace.

my bedside table

2006-11-08T20:13:00.000Z

This is my bedside table... Candles are out because now in the super ftoft (cold!!) winter the electricity goes off a bit more often - though its been super these days. My daily light and beloved book "come away my beloved" which is just like letters from God to me, and my little Bible which is more of a treasure the older it gets. A torch, a travel clock and little stones around a small fotograph of Rebecca, Hez and Matt walking down a sandy hill on a Cornwall beach, and a little plaque of a verse that says "I will not forget you...I have held you in the palm of my hand." And finally at the shelf space is a row of journals partly and yet to be filled! I have lots of stories from Albania that are yet to be written, stories of my childhood and life yet to be written. I like writing. And I'm not doing too much of it these days... but I will some time.

All this to say though - that I have posted some new photos on "Beths Photos" they are off the castle - two beach shots and again my apartment!! I don't know what it is with that - but I'm so proud of it!! I work late into the night - recently have put down new flooring on the old concrete tiles, so I take photos in the night time too - so never any bright sunshine shots... oh well! Just, for those interested - this is how the house looks now... The castle was brilliant. No photos though yet of the people of the church or the trips to Tirana or the ways the Lord is leading and guiding and providing friends and vision for living here in Albania. I havn't yet told stories of the life of Albania - the trials that people have and are enduring. I am glad to be here and as I get to know Albania more - I hope to be a story teller of the people and the place and of Jesus!

winter

2006-11-03T12:04:00.000Z

In the distance, through my window view – over and above block buildings and the cross anointed tower, the mountains are capped with snow. It came yesterday – the icy whirling wind and fresh, fresh air. Evenings are dark and winter is now here!

the castle

2006-11-02T21:30:00.000Z

I went to the castle some days back. Was awesome. Really imagined I was in Narnia! It was fun going up to explore the castle for the first time - with two girls from England. Louise lives in Tirana, the capital of Albania and Sally her friend was visiting her for a week, they passed through Shkodra on their way to Montenegro. Some funny littles things of the visit were boys who were standing up on a bridge throwing fire crackers down at us. And - up at the top level way up the hill were two unexpected little chiwawa dogs looking down at us at the entrance of a museum. We went in to see the museum and wandered around it in the dark as they didn't have any electricity!

Some days later I went for the second time with some visiting preachers and people from the church - and for the first time I saw a real wild eagle soar up above in the sky. A really good place to see an eagle for the first time here in Albania - especially as Albania is known as the Land of the Eagles!