Behind enemy lines - A Huskerh8er's view of the world

Getting Back to Why We're Here

2008-07-06T21:23:00.003-05:00

Oh sure, the first column after some well-deserved time off is easy to write. It’s the second one that is a bitch. Just as the bombardment of my neighborhood finally comes to a close this holiday weekend, I figure I better get back into the swing of things before I slip back into a deep Husker-induced sleep.

Anyhow, in order to better understand why I started to labor at finding anything relevant to talk about over this past off-season, I went back into the archives to see if there were any direct differences between my style of thoughts back then, and the way I present my ideas now. (If you have a chance to go through the archives, I’d recommend it. Not because I said anything spectacular, but the replies from many of the Husker freaks who visit this site are absolutely priceless. ‘Wake will win the ACC book it!?!?’ Are you kidding me?)

However a few things stood out to me as completely different. Foremost, I completely got off track and started writing for you rather than for me. Early editions of this blog were hate-filled, mean and almost evil. Somewhere along the way, I confused myself with Rick Riley and tried to get cute by trying to bring up topics in a way that hasn’t been done before. Well, the Huskers sucking donkey sack isn’t exactly new anymore, so there’s no use trying so damn hard to stand out.

Seriously…I even cut back on my swearing, just so some of you wouldn’t be offended. Well hell, it’s not my fault some of you liken blogs to actual mainstream sports news. I’ve said this before, but it is worth repeating: Blogging is nothing more than a journal for all the world to see. If you want fair and balanced reporting, where only Boston and New York teams still matter…watch ESPN. If you like to see farked pictures of Bob Stoops, then you go check out one of 50,000 blogs dedicated to the same subject I write about for the most part…college football. Some of them are even..dare I say...outstanding.

But regardless, my writing became boring to me because I stopped writing about what I care about, and started writing about what I thought you wanted to read. Well no offense, but if you want to read something…start your own damn blog. Don’t get me wrong though…I honestly appreciate each and every person…in good spirits or in anger…who stops by and hits this site. But in the end, blogging for your readers is silly, because there are simply so many ways to attack a subject. (Unless of course you want to name some lame award to college football programs named after a fat Tennessee coach, and then have 50 million people refer to it as some sort of gospel and 11th commandment that says…’Thou Shall never question EDSBS’. If that’s the case..then I can’t help you anyway.)

Anyway, as we move into the last 50 days of the off-season, I’m going to make it a point to stop trying to make some sort of philosophical statement, and simply throw down words off the top of my head. It will be easier on my soul, and odds are..it will make better reading anyway.

OK, glad we got that straight.

**
Here’s a subject I normally wouldn’t hit on lately, but it’s really got me somewhat pissed. It seems the ego-driven jackasses who run the city of Omaha, somehow forgot to tell the Omaha Royals that they had to rip up their sweetheart lease at Rosenblatt, and dip their pen in blood, and sign up to be Roger Dixon’s personal bitch for 10-15 years or whatever.

Anyway, I understand it was important to keep the College World Series. I understand, it’s the only reason ANYBODY from the outside world would even step foot in Omaha, let alone consider it some sort of destination for anything. (Don’t get me started on the lack of lakes and outdoor stuff to do here again. I went camping this weekend and I’m still fired up about it.) And yes, I see how the Mayor’s office had to do whatever it takes to keep the NCAA from pulling out early and leaving without so much as a wet-nap and a note.

Now granted, if this year’s College World Series is any indication, the NCAA baseball National Championship tournament will last the entire summer anyway. But do the leaders of this city actually think North Downtown will grow with only 16 nights of activity? (minus a couple of Creighton games…which lets face it…as long as there is something shiny and new..and as long as the beer isn’t domestic..they’ll be there in droves.) I mean, didn’t they realize the Royals might say, “Screw this circus” and pack up for Houston or Grand Island or wherever?

Don’t get me wrong..the Royals are not innocent victims here either. They’ve bitched and moaned for 10 years about (boo hoo) how they play in too big of a stadium, all the while sneaking in 17,000+ fans several times a year. (Double that of the largest crowds of most other PCL teams) They’re also the same out-of-town yokels who decided that baseball couldn’t sell itself in this town…instead wacky bat races and Blues Brothers imitators was the way to go.

Either way, you’ve got Idiot vs. Idiot in a battle over who is going to destroy this city fastest. You can either: a) Allow the Royals to stay…watch them go broke and listen to them bitch for another 10 years. Or b) Tell the Royals to kiss the city’s ass, and watch a $150 MILLION dollar stadium sit absolutely empty for about 320 days a year.

Which one is it?

Just when you thought everything was worked out, the dipshits who run this joint find a way to screw it up again. Should be interesting to see if/how they’re going to get out of this one.

**
I haven’t read Jason’s Peter’s book yet, but I plan to. I’m sure it will be hard-hitting…shocking (you mean those players DRANK ALCOHOL in school?) and will slobber on the knobs of Husker fans something fierce. However, I’ll hold judgment until I read the whole thing. Stay tuned on that.

**
Speaking of books, I may as tell you now before one of you yayhoos finds it. I was approached to contribute to a book on Husker football for the 2008 season. Now, I realize this sounds a bit odd; however the collaborators of this material somehow thought that there was enough flak caused by the 2007 season that they better at least address those who don’t exactly feel the world is full of Red-colored lollipops and sugarplum fairies.

So with that, I wrote a small couple of pages in rebuttal to my good friend Husker Mike on just why the ‘Greatest Fans in the Nation’ are a fraud and a joke. Now, I’ve only seen some advanced early PDF’s of the book, but I’m hoping they’ll keep my words in context and let me say my fair piece. Regardless, it’s not really that hard to rebut when somebody says, “Can you reply in your own words why Nebraska MAY NOT have the classiest fans in America?”

Uhhh..how much time you got?

Anyway, you can purchase the book on Amazon soon or some other local outlets. You can read a preview of it here.

I normally don’t advertise my collaborations with Husker writers, whether it be in blog or book form…however like I said: They were nice enough to ask me to contribute…and if you want to spend your hard-earned money on looking forward to a soon-to-be 4-8 Husker football team…be my guest. I’m guessing I won’t be buying 100 copies for my family, nor will I be appearing on any talk-shows talking about the blatantly obvious factors surrounding the world-class farce that is the whole “classiest fans” thing. But still, it’s nice to see you can go from jotting down some thoughts to being considered a “published author”…even if your real name isn’t anywhere close to the byline.

Still working on the previews…the off-season is coming to a close quickly. Better get your game face ready to go.

AJ

Don't Call It a Comeback

2008-07-02T21:08:00.006-05:00

Ahhhh…time away. Good Lord did I need that.

Time to recharge the batteries. Time to get some rest. Time to re-focus the energy on the tasks at hand. I'm not gonna lie to you, I’ve had some pretty good ideas over the years, but getting the hell away from you hayseeds before you put me into a corn-laced coma was about the best thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t need it because you were uninteresting and uninspiring. (Even though you were). It wasn’t because you flat-out bored me with your shitty returning players, your unproven idiot of a coach or your so-far-in-the-rear view-mirror-you-need-binoculars-to-see it legacy .

No, I needed it because lets face it….even the most hard core ignorant Husker yokel knows you’re going to suck next year. That's right, let's cut through the B.S. right here and now. Oh sure, you can say to yourself, “you know…..if we improve our tackling, we’re really going to be improved.” Or, “You know…if Shawn Watson tailors his offense to Joe Ganz’s skills, we could sneak by some people”.

No.

That is completely asinine and you and I both know it. (Then again, it was you brilliant masters of all things College Football who said you would beat USC with a 2nd string QB with 4 career wins and a group of 9th grade girls on defense...but I digress.) Look, I know you’re going to suck this year. YOU know you’re’ going to suck this year, so stop acting like this is the beginning of some sort of great odyssey. I mean seriously, it's BO PELINI. This is not Vince Lombardi, Chuck Knoll or Bob Stoops (Despite the fact that 95% of you compare the two).

Do you know how I know you're going to suck ass in 2008? Because if ANY SINGLE ONE of you had one OUNCE of optimism, you’d be blasting your way onto my comments page at the rate of a billion an hour. If You thought you were going to be worth a damn this year, you’d be talking up your team on the call-in shows, burning up the lines with schedule breakdowns, roster updates and the latest in recruiting news. Not ONE Husker fan has given me ONE good reason why I should expect anything more than a trip to Ft. Worth AT BEST. And no, I'm not talking this year..I'm talking 2009 minimum. And no, spare me with your stupid ass, "Our schedule breaks down real nice." Uhhh..no. If you're playing against D1 (or even FCS teams for that matter), you're in deep shit.

Here's another way I know we're thinking the same thing: It’s 58 days left til the season starts; football starts NEXT MONTH (that is not a typo) and swimming…yes….AMATEUR SWIMMING has taken over the airwaves, and pushed the Husker football juggernaut off the front pages like a 3 day Britney bender.

So if we both agree you’re going to suck balls next season…why am I still here? Why are you still here? Why is anybody even making the attempt to talk about you?

Because you still haven’t paid the price, that’s why. One full off-season of verbal abuse and national humiliation doesn’t begin to pay back your debt to college football society that you owe. The pain you have suffered over the past 300 days or so doesn’t even BEGIN to settle the score with those of us who put up with years..no DECADES of you douchebags acting like world class asshats. EVEN with a “fresh start” and “new hope”, your fans are still the same collection of inbred hillbillies who annoyed me to the point of madness for nearly 25 years.

So with that….you may stop caring…the world may stop caring..but I shall carry on. I carry on, because God himself could not set a limit high enough to endure your suffering. Watching your team go 5-7 will never get old. Not this year…not next year. Not ever. Even if you entered a world of football purgatory rivaling Temple University…I will would still argue that you would not have paid a high enough price.

So with the hiatus over and Summer hits it's midway point…with the realization that you’re only 8 short weeks from re-living your own personal nightmare once again…we continue as we always have.

Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you caring. Thank you for turning the crash and burn of a powerhouse into a giggle-inducing entertainment juggernaut that is this blog.

I am back.

I am full of hate.

I am ready to continue my wrath of hatred.

**
Speaking of funny, did you catch Tom Shatel’s heartwarming Hallmark-AfterSchool Special-esque story on Jason Peter over the weekend? Now, I give Traitor Tom crap year after year, but to actually listen to him act SHOCKED at Jason Peter being a drugged out thug back in his prime…is about the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

Look, I’m not about to bash somebody for fighting their own personal daemons. God knows when football is over, and you’re doing blow off of a hookers bare ass or whatever the hell he did…you’ve got more issues than I can comment on. But Tom’s genuine surprise at just what a complete and total degenerate Jason Peter was, simply magnifies one of my biggest beefs with you people…and that is: your player warship is blind, and your inability to see the forest for the trees knows no bounds.

I mean, wasn’t the mid 1990’s…the quintessential Golden Era of Husker football…a collection of Norman Rockwell-esque paintings, with sons and fathers filling Memorial Stadiums, watching hard-nosed student athletes battle their guts out for the pride of their state and the glory of their youth? Wasn’t it idiots like you who told me just what a great family man Tom Osborne was? Wasn’t it people like you who told me how the national media blew that whole, “Thug” thing out of proportion?

And Jesus Tap-dancing Christ, Jason Peter wasn’t even the biggest thug in his own FAMILY, let alone his own team.

I’m sure you won’t learn a lesson by it, and you probably thought to yourself, “What a strong and outstanding young man” when you read that story. But make no mistake about it….Tom’s mancrush induced love-letter to Jason Peter simply reinstates what I’ve told you for years….and that is that you weren’t jack shit until you started recruiting guys like Jason Peter. And yes…there is a direct correlation between bad guys and winning…just ask the hypocritical bastard that coached him.

**
Speaking of things I told you would happen…did I not just spend the better part of a decade telling you that the College World Series sucked? Now I don’t mean the tourney itself, or the fact that Omaha is on the national stage. It’s a great event for the city, and the tourist flood town by the thousands, only to rave about what a great town this is.

But JUST as I told you..the NCAA, Dennis Pope, Jack Deising and the rest of the greedy a-holes who run that thing have simply ruined that thing in the name of money and the lust of power. 16 days of PING! PING! PING! PING! PING!

16 days!?!? Are you kidding me? Why not just ask fans from out of town to drop the registration to their car the deed to their house in a big fishbowl on the way into the stadium? How much does it cost to stay at the Hampton Inn for 2 and a ½ weeks? And the worst part? They don’t give a rats ass. (Just as I told you.) They don’t care about the tradition. They don’t care about the event. They don’t care about Omaha and they SURE as hell don’t care about you.

They care about themselves and their money. Perhaps maybe now you’re starting to understand just what the hell I’m talking about.

**
All aboard the Hate Express…it’s almost Season Preview time.

God it's good to be back.

A Quick Note from Exile

2008-06-18T11:39:00.002-05:00

Hope you all are having a rad and tubular summer wondering just how the hell you're going to beat teams with your enormous influx of non-talent and untried coaching this fall.

Our time apart is serving me well, and I still aim to be back and full of hate in early July. Please continue to feel free to leave comments, as I'll be approving them from time to time. In the meantime, please feel free to prepare your completely ridiculous and borderline hallucinogenic arguments as to just why on earth you would feel you're "on the right track". (And yes, the next good reason will be the first.) That first scare against mighty Western Michigan is only 73 days away.

See ya in a couple of weeks.

ON HIATUS - We Need Some Time Apart

2008-06-05T19:11:00.003-05:00

OK, I can't take it anymore.

I tried to keep going as best I can, but the onset of the annual slobberfest that is the College World Series has finally tapped out any and all creativity I had left. I tried to hang on, but until football season gets here, I'm simply out of off-season ways in which to tell you how much your team sucks.

So with that, I think it's only fair that we take a step back and spend some time apart. It's not you...it's me. I simply think with the complete and total destruction of the Husker football program, it's best we take a few weeks off to regroup and galvanize our hate toward each other. I don't have the heart to mock you about your shitty baseball team. I don't have the stamina to rant about ESPN just one more time. The College World Series blows, and if you haven't figured all of this out yet yourself....then you simply aren't paying attention.

I'll be back in July with more of what you've come to love...and that of course is complete and total hate and disdain toward the Husker football program and their Legions of Melvins who worship them.

I realize the quality of this blog has suffered in recent months, and I swear I'll do the best I can to find that hate you've grown to expect from this long-standing web publication. I'm sorry it's come to this, but it's for the best...for both of us.

Til we meet again.

AJ

When Blue Meets Red

2008-05-29T14:45:00.003-05:00

I haven’t this jaded, bitter and pissed off in a long time. That’s quite a statement coming from a guy who’s favorite teams include the winningest college basketball program NEVER to get to the final four; a college football team who went to ONE bowl from the early 1980’s up until about 1997; a Pro Football team whose persistence at mediocrity has made them one of like 4 teams in the NFL who hasn’t won a playoff game since before the Clinton Administration.

And yet like clockwork, this little beauty comes about for the lowest and most pathetic of all my favorite teams.

In early April, I mentioned how nice it was that baseball in Kansas City was relevant again. It was great to have a GM who actually knew what the hell he was doing, while having a manager who…well let’s face it…hasn’t really done anything, but at least he’s not Buddy Bell.

But despite all that, as I was trying to say earlier, I’m well versed at being kicked and downtrodden. Many, if not all of my favorite teams have sucked for a long long long time, and I’m certainly used to the anger and frustration that they bring me. I’m not ashamed of it. I’m not denying any of it. It is what it is and I try to make the most of it.

So enter the 2008 baeball season.

Now, I’m not stupid enough to think the Royals are going to contend for anything other than MAYBE a .500 record. Sure, it doesn’t sound like much, but for a franchise that has been so completely abysmal for so long…you’ll take what you can get. But still, as of last Monday, the mighty powder blues were sitting one game under .500 and 2.5 games out of first freaking place….in late May no less.

So enter last night’s fiasco, which solidified a 10-game losing streak and the blowing of a 5 run lead (1..2..3..4..5) run lead with TWO outs in the 9th inning. Now, I know most of you as Husker fans don’t have the first goddamn clue about baseball, other than the fact that Hail Varsity is played between the 7th and 8th quarter at Haymarket Park.... but blowing a lead that big is not good a good sign. Not good at all.

One of my favorite bloggers is Rany Jazayerli, who runs an outstanding blog on the Royals. The normally candy coated and sugar abundant Rany absolutely nailed the current Royals situation by explaining that this sort of streak hurts more than most, because now there are no excuses. There are no more GM’s to fire…no coach’s to get rid of…no owners to tell to shut the hell up and stay on the sidelines with your wallet open like so.

But here's the kicker. Like Royals fans everywhere….guys like Rany are used to this sort of thing, so in essence we simply chalk things like this up to bad luck, bad karma, bad Indian food or whatever else we can justify ourselves rooting for a simply horrible team. The Royals have sucked gigantic donkey balls since many of us were in high school, and we have learned to accept that over time.

But this got me thinking about another group of fans who aren’t quite as used to this sort of thing.

So let me shift gears quickly and ask you Husker football freaks this: What exactly are you going to do when you have nobody left to fire? Who are you going to blame when even the Messiah that is Tom Osborne can’t bring you victories by nailing a few extra Danny Noonan pictures to the wall of the football office? What in the holy hell below are you going to do with yourself when you realize there is no coming back for you?

I’m not about to compare directly the Royals and Nebraska football, because college football laws dictate that you Gomers will always fill that stadium and beat the Nevada's of the world…because quite frankly, you have nothing better to do. But it does bring up a good point that is; when are you going to realize that you are in fact at rock bottom, and who are you going to blame next for it?

You’ve already blamed Bill Callahan, Steve Pederson, Kevin Cosgrove, Blaine Gabbert, Harrison Beck, CBS News, J.C. Keller, Corey McKeon and the Lincoln Police Department. Who the hell is left? We know the anger will never be directed at Lord Tom, so where does it go from there? To me, that is a question that even I can’t answer. But, just like Royals fans…you will more than likely have no other choice but to find out over and over just how hopeless hope can sometimes be. I'm not kidding, I have no idea what you are going to do. (Which is rare, considering I've absolutely nailed your every move for about the last 2 years.)

**
College baseball regional’s this weekend:
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

**
OK, that wasn’t fair. I do care a little bit…but only because you care. This has been the least hyped Nebraska baseball regional in years; which isn’t that surprising considering the Hickster 9 has been playing like dogshit lately. Losing 5 of your last 6 doesn’t exactly bode well for romping your way to Rosenblatt, and that’s not even including a trip to LSU looming in the distance, if in fact you actually win the damn thing.

Needless to say though, I will continue to not really care, except when it means watching you stumble and fall yet again to the delight of your enemies everywhere. I say Oral Roberts over NU in the final....that is unless San Francisco or Manhattan suddenly enter the field at the last minute.

**
FYI – I’m Headed off into the woods fishing again for a week or so, so try not and get anybody arrested while I'm gone…it’s been a few weeks and I’d hate to miss it. Oh, and I should be re-charged and ready to jump back into the previews by then. Some of you banking on a Pelini-fueled resurgence might want to shy away from that. (Sorry, didn't mean to spoil it for ya)

Enjoy Your Memorial Day Holiday

2008-05-25T20:10:00.002-05:00

Remember those who sacrificed

A Great Big Bag of Expectations

2008-05-22T19:34:00.005-05:00

Do you remember Munchos? I’m not sure why, but anytime we drove a long distance during my childhood, I almost always picked up a giant bag of Munchos for the drive. Ahhhhh, good ol' Munchos. They weren’t flashy. They came in a rather plain metallic red wrapper. Over time, they came in one fantastic flavor: Plain. They didn’t have massive advertising campaigns. No coupons for DQ sundae’s or press-on tattoos hidden inside. No, Munchos were golden salty perfection...everything a potato chip should be.

So why were they so freaking good?

I’ve kicked this question around literally for years; and finally…after nearly three and a half decades of life on this planet, I have figured out the answer.

You see, Munchos are great because you don’t expect much when you eat them. Think about it. You get them at some dirty gas station, usually right next to the Slim Jims, and just below the powdered donut gems. At this particular point, you don’t expect the delicious fried potato perfection that is Munchos; especially in a rusted out shithole truckstop just outside of Salina. But since you’re trolling through a such an establishment at 3am, (And you're 12) your brain is convinced that your only options border on the bland, lame and repulsive.

Yes, despite the strange aftertaste and funky texture of the top of your mouth after eating them, Munchos are the king of gas station chips because of your expectations.

Expectations…..

Let’s take a look at this word for a second, since we tend to talk about it quite a bit around here. This morning on a message board, a question was posed of Missouri fans as to whether or not they could handle the pressure of running with the top dogs in all the land in 2008. As a lifelong fan who has taken such proverbial kicks to the nuts as Tyus Edny, Northern Iowa and a long list of disappointments, you might be surprised at my non-holds-barred response in 0.3 seconds of, “Yes.” I personally (as a fan) am ready for my team to hold the giant bulls eye, and quite frankly…I don’t see what the big deal is. I embrace it. I expect it. I've waited a long ass time to hold it. Even though the Tigers are improved, I realize that they are an emerging program with little or no real history. Contrary to what many of you rocket scientists think: My expectations…even for this season…are low.

However, if you want to see the flip side of expectations and the horrific damage they can do, lets turn our attention back to you and the million or so other red-clad Big Red fans who feel it is their biological duty to personally will your team back to glory.

Just as Munchos are an unexpected and satisfying surprise at the gas station, the exact opposite reaction can be said for something so over hyped and overexposed, that it leaves you feeling disappointed and disenchanted. Perhaps this can be equated to an over hyped “National Power” that is going back to it’s “original formula”, yet is still bland, dull and over glorified. In this particular example, let’s call them Fritos.

Fritos are a staple of gas stations and grocery stores everywhere. A former giant in the salty-snack business, this giant brand name snack has tinkered with it’s formula time and time again. Chili Cheese Fritos, BBQ Fritos, Giant Scoop Fritos, West Coast Offense Fritos, 3 Cheese Fritos and then Jalapeno Fritos. Hell, as of late they’ve even put them in circular containers and called them “twists.” (If I wanted to eat fucking "twists", I'd scarf on a pretzel) And although they’ll never be copmletely terrible; the Fritos people...for years...have been trying to hide the fact that their overrated and boring ass product has become dull, bland and predictable. No matter what they do to it, it isn’t going to get any better.

Sound familiar?

So what’s the point of all this?

The point is, Munchos kick ass because you don’t expect much out of them. Their unexpected goodness helps increase the positive snack chip experience. It puts you in a better mood. Each crunch vibrates through your soul as you enjoy each and every unique crumb. Fritos, while good…are NEVER as good as your brain thinks because the expectations are there; the flashy marketing, the billboards…the whole thing. But in the end....

Meh.

Same goes for College football teams. Those of you expecting 9 win seasons better check yourselves and lower that bar just a little bit. Meanwhile, take your rebuilding process for what it is, and enjoy the little things that surround the college football season:

Opening weekend
A first down
The sound of the band

Why don't you listen to me for once in your lives? Following these guidelines will make all the difference, and will allow you to avoid the inevitable pork rinds that are bound to make their way to your gut by the time late November rolls around.

* Funny to hear the Omaha media today complaining about the Big 12’s TV announcements today. For those of you unaware, only the Nebraska vs. Colorado game is scheduled for television coverage on the ABC family of networks this year. (Of course with the possibility of others if ancillary teams go into the shitter.)

Don't get me wrong, none of this really matters because as I said last year…TV schedules and glowing lights of ESPN never won anything. But alas, it is pretty funny to see you get the ass end of a stick you were so willing to swing around last year.

* Finally, since it’s late May, it must be time for another Husker baseball choke job. I realize the bandwagon has slowed somewhat, and I realize that your team is far from horrible. But with expectations again in play, when are you going to realize that the mediocre express has pulled into the station, and it aint going anywhere anytime soon?

Ahhh well. Consider it karma’s payback for flooding Rosenblatt with Eric Crouch Jerseys during the CWS a few years ago. Nobody deserves a kick in the gut like you do. Congrats.

* Oh and PS, I’m going to shift gears on my greatest Huskers ever segment. Somebody reminded me today that we are 100 days from the start of the season, and damnit…we’ve got other stuff to talk about.

Stay tuned.

A Lob Down the Middle

2008-05-18T09:29:00.006-05:00

For about 6 months, I’ve been telling you what a complete and total mess you people are. I’ve mocked your inability to think straight, I’ve bashed you for holding the belief that a 40 year old former player standing on a sideline can somehow make your linebackers actually tackle better. But to most of you, all of this seems to be simply bombastic sour grapes by a blogger with way too much time on his hands, coupled with a gigantic chip on his shoulder.

Thanks to an anonymous Husker reader, enter this little nugget. (here)

I also know that the most important thing in your life is tradition. Now I personally think tradition is the most overrated of all qualities in sports. Hell, the Cubs have a lot of tradition, but it certainly hasn’t helped them over the past 100 years. But when you start making videos of a banquet and a press conference, I think suffice it to say you may have reached rock bottom.

So let me get this straight…for $25 of my hard earned money…I can get highlights of a Bo Pelini, standing over Chicken Florentine and Au gratin potatoes, tell me about how great it is to be Nebraska’s coach? But there’s more! I also get highlights of Bo Pelini’s initial press conference WITH CORRESPONDING QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS from Nebraska’s award winning radio, print and TV journalists?

But THAT’S NOT ALL!!!!! I also get highlights of the 2008 spring game, where a collection of 5th string defensive backs can run around Memorial Stadium, falling down to a chorus of whistles and instructions, all the while being watched by 80,000 mesh hat wearing freaks with absolutely nothing else going on in their lives on a sunny April afternoon?

All for $24.95!!!!!?!?!?!?!?

In case you need more..here’s the official summary of this fine piece of electronic art:

"A RETURN TO TRADITION" A DVD compilation of the historical events marking the move back to Nebraska Football Tradition in 2008. See the full footage of the 1997 Championship reunion banquet featuring Charlie McBride, Jason Peter and Coach Osborne. It was the middle of the ’07 season when the banquet took place, and things were looking tough for the ’07 Huskers. Hear the amazing insights and heart warming reflections offered by the former coaches and players, including some hilarious comments from the always entertaining Jason Peter. See the imploring request from coach Osborne for the ’97 players to show their support and encouragement to the embattled 2007 Huskers. Also see the entire Bo Pelini introduction press conference and hear Bo set forth in his own words his vision for bringing tradition back to NU. And finally see highlights from the 2008 Spring Game, complete with the post game comments from coach Pelini and select players. 2007 was a tough year, but the future looks bright! DVD video, Husker Vision footage, 140 minutes. "

Please pick yourself up off the floor, clean up your spilled bladder, and join me in 5 minutes for some comments.

OK.

I’m not even sure how to approach this one. I mean, I understand you guys are down. Seriously I do…my team helped put you there. But did I think you people would be desperate enough for positivity that you would drag a camera down to the Holiday Inn Central, and film your coach (who hasn’t coached a game for you since a substitute teacher role in 2003) yapping in a suit and tie. Actually strike that, this is exactly what you people would do. (Also ironic that such a fine and upstanding citizen as Jason Peter would be featured in the DVD. Who's coming next year to bring the laughs? O.J. Simpson?)

I just figured the rest of you needed to see just what I’m up against every minute, of every day.

* The great KC Star columnist Joe Posnanski last week had a discussion on his blog revolving around the ever growing presence of sports blogs and their impact to sports journalism. Obviously, if you’re reading this you know what the Internet can do for just about any crackpot and freak that owns a sick idea and a keyboard. But the discussion was interesting coming from a guy who does this for a living. (And is very good at it)

With that being said, I figured I would reiterate my position just what this blog (and others) provides you…the casual sports fan.

I provide you absolutely nothing.

I don’t know players. I don’t go to every single game. I don’t download special “insider” newsletters. I barely even keep track of my own team, let alone every other team out there. I don’t have a subscription to SI. I don’t watch Sportscenter religiously. I didn’t play college football, nor do I have any sort of insight into the sport other than what the average Joe has.

But, one thing that blogs do help with, is give you a side of opinion that you don’t always get from mainstream news. Take my own situation for example. I speak the truth from behind the Red curtain, because not only is there no other regional or national media anywhere to be found here; but the media members that are here, are directly responsible for the very idealistic horseshit that spews from the mouths of 99% of all Husker fans in general. IN other words, they are you…you are them, and there is no way in hell those guys are going to tell you the truth.

So with that being said, take this (and other blogs) for what they are: Simply a extension of opinion from a perspective that is unique. (Or in the case of some blogs out there…the same old crap about the same old teams…fake pictures…expanded breakdowns…whatever.)

Whether you hate my guys or praise my name with every ounce of truth I give you…let the record show that sports blogs like this one are here to stay, and aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.

* Not that I really care, nor am I college baseball’s biggest fan; but where are all you Husker freaks who were running shit all week about your baseball team? Again, not that it really affects me either way…but funny how your outlandish smack has once again run aground.

Pity how that seems to happen all the time these days.

Husker Nation Strikes Back

2008-05-14T16:27:00.009-05:00

I really hate to beat a dead horse here, but I’m still a bit astonished how you, as a collective fan base, have completely and totally played off the last four years as if they were nothing but a black-and-white sitcom from long ago. I’m actually stunned that some of you simply brush off the fact that Tom Osborne destroyed your program (and yes..he did it by recommending Frank Solich and Steve Pederson...don’t kid yourself) 10 years ago…and yet some of you still fight back as if you actually have facts or recent history on your side.

I mean, it’s mind boggling to think that ANYONE who actually witnessed the events of last year can be so full of passion and confidence…..it simply defies logic and explanation. Just when I think you’re ready to settle into your new role as rebuilding underdogs…I see case after case of delirious fandom gone horribly wrong.

Take this little nugget from ESPN.com today. (here) Yes, you read that right…78% of Nebraska residents feel that the Huskers will win the Big 12 North next year. Now I realize I will get called out for being a homer..and maybe to some degree I am. But if ANY of you…and I mean ANY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, can give me one a lone reasonable reason why this remotely possible, please stop reading and click on my comment button below. Seriously, 78% of you? I can see 1 or 2 out of every dozen or so in an unscientific poll going, “Yup….I can dream big and I love polls, go big red!”. But 78 freaking percent of you? And that’s taking into consideration the fact that there are at least a dozen or so people in this state who are like me and actually have not fallen under the brainwashing ways Husker fandom.

My God, even Kansas people…who absolutely HATE Missouri... aren’t this stupid.

So with that being said…I really want to know why. I would like to know, just how in the hell this is possible, considering you are: Losing your starting QB. You are losing your best playmaker on offense at WR. You are losing most of your secondary and linebackers, and are starting with a coach that has all of 1 whopping game of college experience. And yes, I can see how in some cases…like 2006, when the entire division was mired in the crapper this would be possible…but you were 112th in the nation in defense last year. Your two wide receivers look like members of N*Sync. Your coach, has all of 60 minutes of head coaching experience (Against a 6th rate Big 10 team at that) in his lifetime. And yet, you’re picking yourselves over a 12-2 team that returns 18 starters, an All-American and a Heisman finalist?

Are you people out of your fucking minds?

Now again, save your instant knee-jerk feedback and think about this for a second. I already know what you were about to type:

“Hey asshole, it’s just a poll”
“Hey asshole, Missouri plays in Lincoln this year”
“Hey asshole, why do you think you know everything?”
“Hey asshole, why don’t you move?”
“Hey asshole, why are you so jealous?”

It’s reality, I do know everything, I don’t want to move, I’m not jealous of you or anything about you..and they could play that game in the parking lot of a UNICEF food rationing center in Botswana, and you still would be a 20+ point underdog to Missouri. Now again, nowhere in this statement did I say Missouri would win a National title. I did not say you would suck forever. I did not say you would not be improved.

What I’m saying is, you are the same delusional morons who told me you were going to beat USC….twice in the past two years.

I will hand it to you though…even I…your biggest antagonist, wouldn’t think you people could be quite this dumb. But again, it’s not like we haven’t had precedence set here about 900 thousand times. (The USC predictions, the Mizzou predictions from last year, the BCS in 2006, JC’s Heisman trophy etc.) I guess in the end we can only say, “we shall see”. But let’s be frank here: It’s not like I haven’t been spot-on about you people for years. Why would I suddenly go cold now?

**Speaking of Frank, nice to see King Pelini give a shout out to his old boss Bobcat Frank the other day. For those of you who missed it, Pelini is going out of his way to make sure that the Fankophiles hear exactly what they want. Can somebody explain to me the point of all this?

I get you want to pretend it’s 1997 all over again. I get that you want Broderick Thomas and Sheldon Jackson standing on the sidelines at practice, telling some kid who was in Kindergarten at the time about how great they were. But isn’t this Frank-love fest going a bit too far in the opposite direction?

I mean, the last guy you had said that you had to run your team like a pro franchise, and you nearly all believed him. The last guy you had said that recruiting and Rival stars were the most important thing in life, and nearly all of you believed him.

Don’t you think King Bo might be taking this whole Frank worshiping thing a bit too far? Isn’t he going to piss off the Callahan-apologists (or whatever you call them now. They’re all in exile from what I can tell)? And how many games is all of this going to last, before a good chunk of you realize, “Oh crap…this guy isn’t worth a damn either?”

I’m not completely sure what the motives are here, but rest assured…the rest of us think it’s hilarious, and will be right there for you come about mid October.

** Can somebody tell the Nebraska baseball team to stop wearing those STUPID high red sox from 1963? They’re not retro. They’re not cool. They make you look like a bunch of country bumpkins who don’t know how to dress yourselves. Stop trying to be trendsetters, and start gearing up for your annual loss to some WCC team in the regional’s.

** Hey Pittsburgh Penguin fans….blow me. You’re going to make me root for the Red Wings for the first time in my life. You’ll rot in hell for that.

Hate City U.S.A.

2008-05-10T17:54:00.007-05:00

Some weekend odds and ends to get you through your mothers day weekend:

* Over the course of my life, I’ve become rather callous and condescending. Ok, I’ll admit that I’ve almost become borderline evil. But even with all that, I like to think I have a fairly good head on my shoulders as to what to expect in life and how to read most every situation. One thing however that always astounds me surrounds my hometown of Kansas City. Although I grew up with the Kansas-Missouri rivalry all around me, I am constantly in awe of just much these groups of people hate each other. Whether it's at a family get-together back home, or browsing the daily diatribes in the comments section of the K.C. Star; I'm always amazed but never shocked. Rivalry the way God intended it.

So, OK fine. Some Yankee fan actually KILLED a Red Sox fan in New Hampshire the other day. But lets be honest…have you ever met a hard-core Red Sox fan? Not to condone 2nd degree murder, but let’s get real here; who HASN'T wanted to run over a group of loudmouthed chowderheads at one time or another? Anyway, despite what ESPN and the national press says….other rivalries may have more fans involved. Other rivalries may play more consistently for higher stakes…but no rivalry pours in more hatred, more rage, more anger, more pure unadulterated disdain and passionate wickedness than Missouri and Kansas.

When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Despite Kansas being a territory of thugs and criminals during the mid 1800’s, the two states did actually go through a bloody 4 year war against each other. (Not a pansy-assed, politically correct anaolgy for war, but a real war.) But that's not the whole story.

Kansas City, the epicenter of hate in this country, has been blessed with the Shitty Royals, the shittier chiefs, and enough bad luck and bad decisions to last a lifetime. Is there any wonder things have turned the way they have over the past year or so? Missouri throttles Kansas in football, Kansas wins a meaningless BCS game (yes, I said it) …and then they steal a National Title in a sport that they supposedly have owned for decades. (Even though 2 National titles in 50 years isn’t that impressive to me for a “powerhouse”) But I digress.

So what does all this have to do with the Huskers? Everything. Watching Tom Osborne and the Howdy Doody people run rough shot for all those years over the Big 8 with their bland offense, their ugly helmets and their hokey self-patronizing ways was bad for the league and bad for the sport. The fact that Hick Nation is now sitting face down in the gutter like the a drunken prom date left behind is a Godsend for so many reasons.

Gone are stupid ass options, boring head coaches (oh wait, Tom’s still around) and an overly self-indulgent mass of humanity that follows their team far and away, like a giant red ameba-like blob of Crisco, blatantly unhidden under a series of red t-shirts and white striped overalls. But in it's place stands the resurrection of a dynamic rivalry that epitomizes everything that is good with sports.

Hate, rage, disdain and flat-out rivalry at it’s greatest.

So for those of you who are sitting in your mom’s basement right now, clutching a copy of the 1994 orange bowl program and sporting a faded “Unfinished Business” t-shirt…please note that your downturn in luck has not only kicked you from the mind of the conscious, but it has also breathed life into the greatest rivalry in college sports; One very few know about, except those who spawned from it’s inception nearly 140 years ago.

Oh, and speaking of such hate…nice to see Kansas get scholarships pulled for being a bastion of the athletically illiterate. Not that anybody else expected different. Nice going Beakers.

* So let me get this straight: Offensive Coordinator Shawn Watson was the genius who led the Husker’s to a #12 ranking in total offense last year, but the guy you just ran out…the guy you all hated…had his meddling hands all over the offense in order to keep Watson from succeeding? Huh?

So how can you be so sure that Shawn Watson is such an outstanding offensive mind, when in the same breath, you complain that Bill Callahan held everything down with his meddling? Which is it?

To me, this will be the story of the season for Hick nation. Bomopia will have his defense playing better, because let’s face it…there’s no way in hell you could play worse. Yet at the same time, very few of you will even notice your offensive efficency dropping like a rock; not only because you’re losing your starter from a year ago (as your best wide receiver and only real offensive threat)…but the guy who actually had his “grubby hands” all over the offense last season is now getting paychecks from the NFL again.

Those of you who are banking on “the offense will be fine”, better take another look at just how and why your offense was ½ decent in the first place. (And yes, don’t get me started on the argument from a few months ago that explains just how easy it is to run up offensive numbers when you are down 35 points all the time and airing things out.) I haven't said "I told you so" in at least a few days. May as well print this off as well.

* So a new arena in Lincoln is coming? I think that's outstanding. Not because I think Husker basketball will suddenly become this giant of a program, awakening from a long slumber, but it will give me really two reasons to follow something other than your minor bowl games (if at all) in the coming years.

First, it will give most of you a reason to at least pay attention to the fact that Nebraska does have a basketball team. With that attention comes outlandish claims, ridiculous expectations and even more idiotic ramblings from people who don't know what the hell I'm talking about. And second is the pending slap-fight with Creighton "fans" over just which bandwagon and sparkling new arena to sit in as you're stuffing garlic cheese fries down your throat.

Can't wait. Seriously.

* For some reason, the year is flying by and it’s already mid-May. Hell, the season starts in less than 4 months. For that reason, it might be time to start breaking down the upcoming continued disaster that is the 2008 Nebraska Cornhusker football team. I’m not sure what sort of direction we’re going to go into next on this blog. But let the record show…with all the uncertainty in Lincoln coming up this fall…you need to know the ridiculous claims and the unmitigated disaster from every angle and as soon as possible. That’s why I’m here...for you.

Enjoy your weekend.

5 Questions and a Cloud of Missed Tackles

2008-05-06T20:59:00.008-05:00

Quit it.

During this, a time of great turmoil for you and your team, we are all forced to excel in roles that we are not used to. Just as I don’t really like stomping on your rotting scarlett carcass day in and day out….we can just as easily look at this from another direction.

Over the past few weeks, I've stated that the disease infested larvae oozing cockroach, also known as Husker fan, has begun to organize once again…just as I predicted. Maybe you have noticed a bit of a shift, as some Husker fans remain introverted and calm as they reflect just how in the holy hell they’re going to EVER get back to the outrageous expectations? Then there are others, who have completely thrown reason out the window and immediately chugged the nearest gallon jug of Kool Aid and have engaged in an insurgent attack of stupidity and ridiculousness.

I’m not going to lie to you, I’m not completely comfortable with this situation either. It’s not that easy to root for a team that has sucked your whole life, and suddenly find yourself rooting for a top 5 program. And no, as fulfilling and satisfying as it is to watch you sit in smoldering ruins….it actually takes a bit more energy to find new and exciting ways to mock and taunt you from high atop my perch on the top of the mountain.

But on the other hand, in the role of a defeated and aged former heavyweight champ, you have collectively and absolutely no flippin clue how to act. In an argument where you used to spit out facts and numbers like they were crumbs of Stove Top Stuffing tumbling out of Mark Mangino’s chins…you now rely on your team’s performance from over a decade ago, schedule bashing and reference to a mythical (yet blatantly ripped off) facsimile of “scoreboards” that track MIP’s and disturbing the peace tickets of your most talented opponents.

Seriously, who in the hell do you think you are? What in the name of holy hell gives you the actual NERVE to pop off about ANYTHING at this point? Have you even SEEN yourselves lately? Holy shit, if you’re this ridiculously under prepared and out gunned now for football discussions now, what the hell are you going to be like when you’re 3-5 in late October? If you’re making ridiculous claims about other North teams, how completely and totally delusional are you going to be when a low-level south team is up 38-0 on you at halftime? (Whoops, that actually happened.)

The fact of the matter is, some of you simply do not have the smarts to hold your fire to those (like me) who have certainly earned the right to verbally pummel you into submission on a daily basis. I mean, what on earth could you POSSIBLY have to bring to an argument? You’ve won the Big 12 ONCE since 1999. The closest you got to a BCS game was the Cotton Bowl…which if I remember correctly late last year, was according to you: the bowl equivalent of staying at an Econo Lodge in Boise.

Maybe I’m asking too much of you people? Maybe me spending 20 years defending a team that trotted out Kent Skornia, Jimmy Daugherty and Kirk Farmer year after year made me that much better than you at defending myself? Maybe it’s lame to me because I saw what a complete and total train wreck you were going to be before all of you did?

Regardless of all that, we have indeed switch roles. And with that, we have questions. Oh don’t get me wrong…I have no questions about my own team…and I really don’t have many questions about other teams either. Colorado is rapidly improving. K-State is trying to plug holes quickly, Iowa State is young and lost their two best players. Kansas is a fraud and will feel the sting of playing actual D1 teams this season. But lost in all this are the key questions I have about you going into the meat of the off season. Let’s examine shall we?

5) Who is next to get arrested?
With Mo Purify out and while the Christensen kid has made some nice strides stepping into Mark Vedral’s shoes…the jury is still out on just who will become the next great Husker thug. I remember the glory days of backup quarterbacks banging your star player’s woman. I recall like it was yesterday when a backup receiver was caught “partying” with a 14 year old girl and his cousin at a trailer court. Hell, I remember when your starting wide receiver was such a thug that he had a godamn bullet in his ass. Who will carry on the tradition? Who will step up and sucker punch a defenseless fan and claim self defense?

4) Can you handle the truth?
As I stated in the paragraphs above, some of you simply cannot handle the fact that you’re suddenly San Jose State with brighter uniforms and a fancier scoreboard. Some of you were hurt, while the others cheered your own defeat...just so the keys to Memorial Stadium can be handed back to a member of the “family” (Even though a “family member” was just fired and replaced by a 900 year old ego-driven hypocrite and his 1-game wonder coach who’s defense gave up 24 points or more in 8 games last season.) My guess is…no. Those of you who are promising to approve progress, will be right back here in a year..wondering who to fire next as you swing into the air like a drunken prize fighter.

3) Can Joe Ganz handle the pressure?
No. He can’t. His numbers were a complete sham last season due to the fact that his defense was on the field less than many of your fans were. Can he POSSIBLY handle the pressure of dealing with all 1.8 million of you crazy bastards? No...flippin...way.

2) WWTD?
Yes..what would Tom do? After you realize that dusty trophies and 30 year old pictures hanging on a wall don’t’ win games, what will be the next excuse? What will be next to be "brought back" in order to resurrect the ghosts of the past? The return of Diet Rite to the concession stands? Digging up the dead bones of Bob Devaney and propping him up on the sidelines Weekend and Bernie’s style? Single face masks and helmets with a plain single letter on them? Can't wait to find out.

And the number one question to be answered prior to the season opener:

1) How fast will you turn on Bo Pelini?
Not to say we haven’t heard this song sung before, but you people gave Bill Callahan a five year extension just EIGHT WEEKS before you wanted to run him out of town on a rail. Bo Pelini satisfies the twisted desires of both sides of the Husker Civil war: He’s “old school” enough for the “Frankophiles” and he’s a product of newly generated hype as seen by some of you actually CLAIM he was the reason LSU won the National Title last year. (Ummm, if that crazy bastard Les Miles doesn’t hit the lotto on some of those late game calls last year, Pelini would simply have been known as “Bo that former defensive coordinator that all the LSU fans wanted kicked to the curb.” ) I have my money on week 9, but we shall see.

The season is coming and time to answer these and other questions is running out.

* Still working on the website changes and the upcoming greatest Huskers segment. Stay with me.

Right on Cue

2008-05-02T21:38:00.006-05:00

“Hey AJ, how do you do it? How do you keep predicting the actions of Husker fans with pinpoint accuracy?”

Good question. Actually, the biggest part of understanding Husker fans…without (God forbid) becoming one, is to see through the fog of arrogance and understand their motives. Now some of you may have heard this before…and some of you may be relatively new. But for a refresher, lets talk about what drives Husker fans. And no, I’m not talking about family (gag), cohesion, unity or my favorite from Tom Shatel last month... hard work. All that stuff is complete crap…nothing more than a picture painted by people who either don’t understand their own souls, or simply don’t want to admit the truth.

The truth of the matter is, what keeps Husker fan going is their insatiable appetite for recognition and acceptance. Husker fans didn’t commit mass suicide of Guiana proportions last fall, because they believed that in their heart of hearts…it was simply a growing pain. Yes, the great Raider Flunky experiment was nothing more than a way to simply learn life’s lessons, as we bridge our eras of greatness. Oh sure, losing to Oklahoma State 38-0 stinks...but everybody goes through that right? (Uhhhh...not unless you're Bowling Green or San Jose State)

But you and I know different. You and I both know that these people weren’t lying when they honestly believed Bill Callahan would change the face of college football. These people were dead flippin serious when they taunted others about their highly ranked recruiting classes…all the while ignoring the fact that they were led astray by a complete idiot.

So what does this have to do with me being right? What does this have to do with me telling you all sorts of stuff that you already know?

Well like the swallows of Capistrano, almost in one fell swoop….the collective tide is turning here behind the red curtain. Slowly, with all the drama and predictability of a Rocky movie, the Husker nation has collectively…as one…shaken out the cobwebs, and climbed back in teh saddle. Gone are the days of being kicked around. Gone are the short-lived theories and batshit crazy stories about running a “pro factory” and how “other programs are jealous’ (Seriously…what on EARTH made you think running your team like a pro team was going to work? I mean..don’t you think somebody would have tried that by now? What the hell is wrong with you?) I've heard more positive outlooks on Husker football this week than I've heard in the past 7 months combined. The whining has stopped. The complaining has faded. Hopes are rising. Myopia is once again clogging the brains of the ignorant.

So thankfully…for the mercy of my own soul…the march of war echoes again faintly in the distance. The gridiron clashes are still months away, but the sound is distinct. Oh sure, instead of cannons and bombs they’re now wielding chopsticks from Hu Hot and a slingshot made out of Birchwood…but damnit, right on cue…Husker fan has picked himself up off the mat, dusted themselves off..and headed right back down the road to perdition…..just as I said they would.

I thank you for sticking with me these last five months or so before I go on the attack again. It was quiet and it was borderline maddening…but I can assure you…they are about to return….and right on time. And rest assured, I will be here to deal with them once again.

Let the summer begin.
Let the hype begin to slowly boil again
Let the myopic vision of red-clad millions begin their long road to madness.

We’ve been waiting for you guys.

Welcome back.

** Real quick on the new stadium for Omaha…

I know I get a bum rap about “hating Omaha” and “hating the College World Series. And yes, the people who run that tournament are still evil, twisted and would saw a 5 year old in half with a hacksaw if it meant busting them for illegal t-shirt sales. But damnit, props to the city of Omaha for having some vision and getting the new stadium done.

Oh sure, some idiotic “lunatic fringe” of "Save Rosenblatt" as Husker Mike calls them have tried to make things interesting, but in the end, I think it was pretty safe to see that if Omaha didn’t make a drastic step to keep the series, the NCAA would have pulled out of here without so much as a wet nap and a kiss goodbye.

To those who helped get it done (other than MECA…who still sucks)…bravo.
To those who tried and stop them…I guess some extra hours working in the Wal-Mart outdoors department will have to supplement that $5,000 bucks you earned each summer parking cars on your lawn…..money you were only going to spend on crack cocaine or rims for your 1989 bass tracker boat trailer anyway.

** Coming up soon…the 10 greatest Huskers of all time. Stay tuned and have a great weekend.

Death by Data

2008-04-29T13:44:00.005-05:00

Last week, South Park aired an episode that poked fun at our reliance on the internet. It kind of got me thinking that it wasn’t really THAT long ago, that e-mail was just something that tech-nerds used to break down binary code and trade Dungeons and Dragons strategies. But alas, America Online came along, and the world was well on its way to complete and total online reliance.

Now needless to say, I’m not going to go on some Unabomber rampage about the dangers of technology. I personally enjoy my internet radio, my ability to pinpoint directions on a digital globe at the touch of a button and yes…the chance it has given me to rail on the biggest collection of arrogant sports fans on the planet.

But with all of the great things the internet has given us, it has equally inflicted us with annoying and devastating side effects. Sure, I could mention things like porn addiction, gambling sites and hell…even Al Qaeda uses the internet to post beheadings to the masses. (Who of course, eat them up and broadcast them all over.) But in this case, I’m talking about an overabundance of information that has engulfed our brains and taken over our lives.

Enter this weekend’s NFL draft.

Back in the day, ESPN still took up ½ a day to break down all the things that make the NFL great. Back then, we relied on Mel Kiper and whatever other talking head as they babbled on, showering us with information and splashy and fancy graphics.

But today, that just simply isn’t enough. Just as with the idiotic onslaught of data that has bombarded us regarding the inexact science known as recruiting….the information age has now ruined the NFL draft as well. How so you ask? I don’t mind when Mel Kiper rambles on, because I know that’s his job. But what I don’t need is every single fan, yayhoo, nutjob and local radio hack to preach about how much they know. (CoughMikelSevereCough)

I’m not sure what it is about the future telling business that gets on my nerves so much. Perhaps it’s because I don’t physically NEED football 12 months a year. Yes, the off-season is too long, but I really don’t need to be sitting in my basement on a Saturday morning in April, breaking down the abilities of the 4th rated offensive lineman that may or may not get picked up by the Bills.

It’s not that I simply don’t care…it’s that I’m annoyed as all hell that you care so goddamn much.

Regardless, the abundance of digital information is never going to go away, and the microgeeks that warship numbers, stats and data will stick around forever as well. But that doesn’t mean I can’t long for the good ole days, when every clown, dick and Husker fan wasn’t peppering me with the vital statistics of some dude who will be cut by the first week of camp, and end up sitting the bench in the Arena League. You may have that sort of time and drive…but apparently I don’t.

** The draft did produce some funny moments for me though. Remember 365 days ago when you people were preaching to anybody who would listen how great the senior combo of J.C. Keller, Mo Purify and Corey McKeon were and how they were poised to roll over the Big 12 on their way to Canton and a big crystal trophy? Funny how time changes things huh? Good luck to them in training camp where they will battle it out for precious practice squad playing time. Or, good luck to them at UPS driver training school….whichever comes first.

** Speaking of me being right all of the time about the Huskers, nice to see the Hick nation getting some love from the “National Press” regarding what a bang-up job Bo is doing to whip the Huskers back into shape this spring.

Now I hate to be the voice of reason here (again), and I’m certainly not going to break up the big myopic pajama party you got going on now that Bill Callahan has been ceremoniously kicked to the curb. But just why in the hell are we supposed to believe anything like this?

I’m serious…the rest of us have spent the better part of FOUR (Plus) seasons, reading national reports about what a great job Callahan is doing, and how the program is moving into the next century. We saw ridiculously high pre-season rankings that you wouldn’t be able to live up to in 1,000,000 years. We saw Tom Lemming and other ‘experts’, blather on about how your great “tradition” is going to pull you through the tough times.

Are you this dumb? NOBODY outside of me knew what was really going on here…what on earth makes you think that the National media knows anything about your pseudo resurgence? And most importantly, why are you people actually FALLING for this again? Why on earth would you put ANY stock into ANYTHING anybody from the national media says about you? Why don’t you listen to somebody who actually knows you and deals with your shit every day?

And I’ll say this again, my job is actually easier when you have some success. The past year or so…as rewarding as it’s been to watch you destroy yourselves…has been extremely difficult in a business sense. What I need is for you to start believing again. I need you is to start making even more ridiculous claims that can be openly mocked by the rest of us. For the sake of this blog and my sanity…I need you to act…well…like you.

Come to think of it…forget everything I've said over the past few years.

You’re great.

Don’t listen to me.

Dawn of the Red

2008-04-25T11:48:00.009-05:00

Boy time flies when you’re not paying attention.

Nice to see I can still get under some of your skin, as the hate mail has definitely picked up over the past few weeks. (It's almost as if the Zombies have risen on cue) Funny how the truth sometimes brings that out? And yeah, I realize I ask for some of it. I mean really…I know you feel the same way deep down, but are not ready to admit things like how coaching alone will not help your defense even be mediocre. Or how a career backup with a whopping THREE total starts is going to be one of the “top QB’s in the Big 12” next year.

But in the end, it all boils down to a simple cliché: The truth hurts. Whether or not you choose to accept that pain is up to you. Whether or not you choose to believe that the pain is not going to go away, well….that’s up to you as well.

And don’t get me wrong, there is definitely reason for hope. Clownahan was a huge liability, and I don’t have to tell many of you what a buffoon Steve Pederson was. (Although let the record show that I told you this LONG before you figured it out.) But in the end, it’s all about controlling your expectations.

For example, let’s take the Royals, and my hopes for this season. Now, I’m not about to go crazy and start to let myself think that they have a shot in hell at a division title. I know they have flaws, I know they have history against them. I know all the reasons they should or shouldn’t be good. It doesn’t mean I’m not hopeful, it just means I’m cautiously aware of shortcomings, while optimistic that they’ll be better.

YOU on the other hand contain no such capacity of thought. You…and I mean just about all of you…have no such ability to put your feelings aside and realize what is going on around you. I’m not sure if it’s because many of you are so emotionally attached to the team that you think you actually play for them…or if you’re just butt ass stupid. Regardless, you NEED people like me to keep you grounded. That way, if (God forbid) you were to beat realistic expectations, things will feel all the better. If not, you’re simply asking to be disappointed and despondent. And don’t say I didn’t try and warn you.

** Speaking of delusional and irrational, the Joey Ganz argument with Husker Mike has now spilled to other blogs. (Here) Now, I completely see the reasoning behind most of your completely unfounded and borderline hallucinogenic feelings regarding your 2008 starting QB. And once again, I will admit that Ganz brings a nice mobility dimension that you did not have with J.C. under center.

However, the fact remains that Joey Ganz’s stats are as distorted as Courtney Love after a 3 day bender. Granted, the TD totals are nice, but the fact that 2 of his 3 games were against some of the worst passing D’s in the conference…but that he was consistently playing from behind for ¾ of his time on the field.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that from statistics alone, it’s a hell of a lot easier to rack up big passing numbers when you’re consistently trying to get back into a game. I mean seriously…why is this so hard to understand? OK, so maybe "garbage time" wasn't the right word to use. But then again, I didn't say it was YOUR garbage time. (In this case, it was KU's)

For the last time, Joe Ganz might be a nice QB for you next year. He might be much like Zac Taylor and better help you bridge one shitty era to another. Being a Chicago guy, he might be that hard-nosed leader that is crucial when trying to re-build a program.

Or there might be a reason he was a career backup who can’t handle the 9 bizillion tons of pressure sure to be crushing his shoulders all year.

We shall see.

** Speaking of Husker issues…I’ve heard a lot about how deep NU is at running back. Now granted, Marlon Lucky now has a lot of experience, and despite the fact that he has zero ability to run between tackles, he does make a nice option out of the backfield. The myriad of backs behind him are young, but from what I can see…at least have the potential to be ½ decent.

What does not have the chance to be ½ decent is the pasty dance troupe you have at wide receiver. Now I realize that Matt Davison is a hero to you all. He has parlayed a bad route on an illegal kick into a very lucrative broadcasting and poster signing career. But unless you’ve been stockpiling freshman wide receivers and/or Chris Brooks suddenly throws that karma off his back and learns how to actually catch and run routes…you’re pretty well screwed.

It’s called being one dimensional, and it’s not something you really want to be when your #1 option at running back in injury prone and has the physical stamina of an 70 year old woman.

And to think…that’s one of your strengths.

Happy Dig-us Day 2008!!

2008-04-19T09:35:00.011-05:00

As most of my long time readers know, today is a very special day. For decades now, generations of Husker minions have made their way to Lincoln for no apparent reason late in April. For generations, fathers have used this occasion as an excuse to drag their sons along and act like giddy schoolgirls as they fawn after 18-22 year old men. Smiles are everywhere. Hope abounds. Children laugh. Old friends shake hands. The pads popping and the whistles whaling can only mean one thing: Husker football is back, if only for one day.

Friends, I realize that I’m pretty much 100% dead spot-on when it comes to Husker football. I also realize that I know many of you better than you know your selves. It's sad, but that's how it is. So when people ask me, “Hey blog guy, the Huskers SOLD OUT their spring game. How do you like them apples?”, I’m once again compelled to sigh, roll my eyes until they hurt and give you the simple honest truth:

If you’re paying $95 bucks to watch a 5-7 team who lost their QB, their best WR and had one of the worst defenses in Big 12 history…then you’re not very smart. Regardless, if you want to waste your time and effort, trudging your fat ass down to a controlled practice (let alone pay to get in) just so you can stand in line for 3 hours just to get Andy Sand’s autograph…then you’ve got some serious issues.

“But crazy blog guy, you don’t understand the Husker family and tradition. It’s events like that that galvanize the Husker spirit and will get us back on track.”

Ok, the annual Spring “Dig-us” festival not withstanding, here’s where I start to have a big problem with you people. Now, we’ve talked about this a lot at the end of last year, and I kind of figured it would raise it’s ugly head again. And…just as I always predict correctly…it has. (Don’t know what I’m talking about? Grab your insulin syringes and get ready for the syrupy goodness of this dozy.) Yes, this isn’t just about football anymore, it’s about reconciliation…about hope…and now (gag) family.

Now that the great Husker Civil War of 2003 is finally over, it’s time for you all to unite in myopia and delusional judgment, and make yourself the goofy-ass annoying galvanized fan base that sparked this website in the first place. Now, I understand now that the GRF™ is gone, you all want to let bygones be bygones. You want to exchange tongues while going out of your way to get a glimpse of the guy who helped Tom Osborne park his car at the 1993 Orange Bowl. I get all of that. But what I don’t get is….did you hire Turner Gill and I didn’t realize it?

For you see, this great celebration of Husker “family” is riding on the shoulders of a guy from Ohio, with a grand total of 1 season of Husker experience in his closet. Funny enough, this was just one year after firing an Athletic Director who actually was FROM Nebraska, who bled red and helped you get through your glory years. Yet now, you now have turned your attentions the other way, and have devel0ped a blazing mancush on an outsider. A rookie. A farce.

Am I the only one who sees the irony here?

You have fired not one but TWO former Huskers over the past 5 years. You choose an unproven hothead who has already proven the tantrum abilities of a five year old over a lifelong Husker former quarterback, who not only played in Lincoln, but coached in Lincoln. (And yes, for more than one season.) Is anybody else confused by all this? Does anybody else see the irony at play here?

But make no mistake, Terry Bowden, Jerry Glanville or George O’Leary could have been hired last season, and this little event would still be described as some celebration of the Husker spirit. With Dr. Tom and his self-indulgent aura surrounding the program once again, the entire Husker empire has been taken to new and pathetic highs. Gone are the splinter groups of Pro-Solich vs. Pro-Callahan. Gone are the squabbles and the bickering of the past. The olive branches have been extended, and the Husker “family” has begun to heal.

And what the hell does this whole “family" thing mean anyway? We talked about this a bit last year as well, but apparently some of you haven’t listened. I’m still waiting for somebody to explain to me how some pictures on the wall of your office can make you tackle better. I’m still waiting for somebody to explain to me how Tommie Frazier and his giant boiler gut standing on the sidelines is supposed to help Joe Ganz figure out how to get a first down against Oklahoma. I’m still trying to figure out how the hell wearing a red golf shirt on the sidelines for one whopping game 5 years ago makes you some sort of prodigal son?

None of this is surprising and none of this is unexpected. I told you this the second Dr. Tom was “hired” that this would come to pass. I told you that you would get stuck in some time warp, desperately trying to find your moxy that has been shriveled up for so long that it looks like Joan Rivers’ uterus. I told you that your distorted self-portrait would result in a complete and total loss of common sense…just as I predicted last year. Just as I will predict this year.

And one other thing...Tom Shatel in this morning’s paper talked about how the “Nebraska way” was giving all out effort. The Nebraska way was giving your all and using good old fashioned hard work to get to the top. (Funny, I thought it was a shady strength program and thugs from the coast, but that’s neither here nor there.) Deep down in your soul, (if you push aside all the childhood feelings and glaring mancrush toward Ricky Thenarse first), do you HONESTLY think that in this day and age you can get back to the top simply by trotting out some walk-on from Fremont and having him “try his best”? Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you truly believe that effort alone can propel you to victory?

Have you all forgotten that you tried that once? It was called the Mickey Joseph and Jerry Gdowski years, and it pissed a good many of you off. For hard work and all that crap was fine and dandy when it was Nebraska, OU and the rest of the crappy Big 8. But without athletes, skilled players and speed you were nothing but one big bowl disappointment after another. It wasn’t until Dr. Tom sold his soul to the devil, bringing in questionable characters and citizens, did you “get to the top.” Hell, even in the 70’s you wouldn’t have won those titles if Johnny Rogers wasn’t the athlete that he was. Funny how many of you forget things like that.

So in conclusion, I hope you enjoy your family reunion. I hope you can bury the hatchet, and share one big red-clad hug at midfield, as the Callahan years and the anger it sparked is swept under the rug. But while you’re throwing up more banners, nailing more old pictures to the wall and singing songs of reconciliation around the campfire…teams like Missouri, West Virginia, Boston College, Cincinnati and Oregon are recruiting speed, evolving their schemes and moving forward.

And besides, think of how many faded “Unfinished Business” t-shirts that could have bought on EBay?

PS - Look for some big changes coming to the blog in the near future.

As the Kool Aid Flows....

2008-04-16T12:45:00.007-05:00

God I hate Spring. Not that I miss the cold, or the crappy clouds and depressing brown landscape that goes with it, but if it’s going to warm up…can we at least do without the wind?

Anyhow, speaking of wind, I figured I’d fill you in on a side conversation I had the other day with my good friend Husker Mike. Now if you read Mike’s blog, you’ll know that he isn’t exactly known for his Kool-Aid keg stands, or his Mountainberry Beer Bongs. It is also a fact that (for the most part) Mike and others like him saw through the absolute sham that Bill Callahan was, and I have acknowledged this on several occasions. I give him credit for this on many occasions.

However, now that the GRF™ dust has started to settle, I’m beginning to notice a new type of solidarity making its way through the Husker ranks. (Including the bloggers who cover them.) This is not your normal Husker solidarity and fortitude, that backs you into a corner in a fit of rage anytime you don’t wholeheartedly agree that the 95 Huskers weren’t the greatest team of all time. (They weren’t.) But this is a bit more subtle, a bit more quiet. And now, it’s not just the whack jobs that are falling under its spell.

Enter Joe Ganz, the next big Husker superstar that has been handed the gold crown without remotely proving anything on the field. This would not be a big deal to me, or entirely unexpected, if not for the CONSTANT and sustained backlash at one J.C. Keller. You remember J.C. don’t you? That wonderboy backup of a Pac-10 powerhouse that was going to ride into Lincoln, throw a Heisman in his locker, and ride out of town as the greatest Husker QB since Tommy Frazier galloped behind a roided up line of hog mollies in 1995.

Now I don’t expect you people NOT to jump on Ganz’s back and anoint him the second coming of J.C. (Which I’m not sure what that would make him.), because let's be honest...we've seen this before from you. However, I’m absolutely dumbfounded by the complete and total disdain for past lessons that are (obviously) not sinking in with you people.

OK, Joe Ganz threw for 16 TD’s over the last three plus games of the season. And yes, J.C. threw for only 14 in the previous eight, and needless to say..had his struggles and had to deal with a complete buffoon in offensive coordinator Shawn Watson. (Who is replaced this year by buffoon offensive coordinator, Shawn Watson) But what does this stat and the blind faith that goes with it, really mean?

Well for one, Ganz didn’t have to play USC, Missouri or a majority of the Texas game. He didn't play on the road at Wake, or in either of the home debacles against A&M or Okie State. The Three games he DID start, he faced the #73 and #89 passing defenses in the country in KSU and Colorado. And the KU team (with a statistically bloated passing D ranking of 12th) he faced was up by 40 points throughout most of the game. Think they were going to open the playbook up a bit at that point? Also, do I need to mention that the KU game was pretty much the only time when Mo Purify actually played like the hyped up All-American you claimed that he was?

Throwing garbage touchdowns against horrible pass defenses while down by double digits isn’t exactly a good way to guarantee greatness is it? Especially if your ridiculously wild expectations toward the last QB you backed didn’t exactly turn out the way you thought? (Although I pretty much nailed it.)

I realize it’s easy to blame all of your problems on the nearest (Billy)scapegoat, which in this case is a former NFL coach who ran off with several million bucks worth of your hard earned farm subsidy dollars, just two months after you re-signed him to a contract. But why is it so damn difficult for you people to see these sort of things? Why is Joey Ganz suddenly the answer to your problems, despite the fact that he started a whopping THREE games and ran a pass-oriented system that your coaches have already pledged to scrap?

I know this overabundance of faith is an issue in these parts…BELIEVE ME I do. But when normally level-headed pundits like Husker Mike start buying into theory and hope, rather than looking at the facts..then it might be time for you to panic. Well…not that you have anything to lose, which we’ve proven long ago that you don’t. But still, I think your last voice of reason just left the building.

Something to think about as you start making your reservations for Kansas City in early December.

** Much is being made of the whole stadium debate in Omaha, which now has shifted focus to the much maligned Omaha Royals. It seems the Royals and their expert management are now toying with the thought of leaving town, as not to get “stuck” with the burden of playing in a 140 million dollar, state of the art stadium.

Now, I’m not about to get into the issues revolving around the Omaha Royals…far from it, because even I don’t care about them. But you have to admire the balls it takes to tell the city, “No thanks…we don’t want to play in your nice modern stadium.”

Over the past 8 years or so, the team formerly known as the Golden Spikes have taken bad marketing to a new level. Slashing their ad budget, and increasing their dizzy bat race and frozen T-shirt race budget…the out-of-town management has about as much of an idea of how Omaha fans think, as I do breaking down the Pakistan cricket League.

People here don’t give a damn about dizzy bat races. They don’t care of the Blues Brothers show up to entertain them. People here certainly don’t care if you play the kiss-cam on the scoreboard 4 times a night. No, the people here are arrogant enough to think of themselves as the big leagues. In order to win them over, you have to make them think that they’re watching the big leagues. If that includes playing in a $140 million dollar ballpark that is ¼ full, then so be it.

I thought these guys were idiots when they killed Casey the mascot and replaced him with some big fat giant purple lump of fur that looks like Grimace from the old McDonalds commercials. But if they turn down this opportunity…then they deserve to slink out of town with a giant failure behind them.

And yes…this coming from a guy who hate the College World Series too.

You better listen to me Alan.