Whittle et al.

Sitting on a pile of clothes...

2009-03-15T11:22:00.003-04:00

Sitting on a pile of clothes I view the landscape a few inches below me and take stock of the year thus far. Stock taking time is here for peeps who go to grad school at my school, we're done with another chunk of our stuff and are a few months closer to the end of another chunk of work.
I like saying chunks of work, reminds me of blocks of tofu or something block-ful of nutritional deliciousness.

Taking stock of the year: I've definitely come far from where I was at the beginning of September, so that's good.

What's not so good is that I still get the feeling of being lonely even though I am usually in the middle of crowds.

I've noticed that most of the gay kids at my school have either a social awkwardness that's too much of a liability or they have chips on their shoulders stacked up as if in a game of Jenga-- and that's not endearing either. What's wrong with these people? What kind of common affliction do they suffer from? Not that I do not have chips on my shoulder or am not socially awkward but still.. Perhaps I am too judegmental.

The weather here is mild and nice though I'd wish we'd be done with the cold fronts, the haze and the general wintry nip already. Its time for a climactic change, and I was wishing that it'd come here earlier than the other cities I have lived in.

I am on spring break next week, which I hope is productive. I'll be working, applying to internships, having fun with friends here, going to visit friends and weaning myself off comfort foods

Talking of food, I have not been eating out as much and have been preparing food. A few friends and I went to the awesomest Asian supermarket and traipsed and trawled there for about 3.5 hours.I effectively did my groceries there. I also went to this bakery yesterday near my house which sells bread like super cheap cuz of their factory which is so close by. I think my hood is purty amazin' and the summer is only going to make it better.

I am a bit exhausted and am going to head out soon. Take care.

Regards,
W

p.s.- I promise to post more often

Thinking out loud

2008-12-12T09:30:00.005-05:00

This year has been pretty uneventful as far as election years go. Pretty straightforward results. The same rousing, empty rhetoric, a lot of hand waving, false smiles, family pictures, buttons and all that. I miss the days of old when nominees would often be decided at the National Conventions. One particularly exciting one was when Kennedy won the nomination. The Making of the American President does a decent job exploring that. A Team of Rivals is a fantastic book. I love political non-fiction and biographies.

Meanwhile, the lives of my fellow bloggers seem to have been eventful- both bad and good- relationships, academics, work stuff, moves and all that. I am gradually beginning to feel comfortable in the skin of the city that is home to me. My problem is I tend to dwell on the past a tad too much than I should. You can't help something.

You also can't help how you feel about certain issues. You can think rationally all you want but your heart won't let your mind dictate. Am I telling someone a lie, when I tell someone I don't think I am homophobic, while my heart won't let itself get unwrapped by clear logic?

Coming out doesn't seem to serve any benefits, at least not yet. I am sure a while down the road, i'll re-read the post and cringe and crack up. Hindsight is a great pointer to the sophomoric idiot in me. All those people who feel comfortable enough to be in their skin are some of the bravest people out there. I have to work hard enough to prop up my fragile self esteem- all that bravado and bluster- my arsenal is pretty depleted that I won't be able to deflect barbs that are a part and parcel of the coming out process. It'll be insanity. But there's never such a thing as a good time for bad things is there?

I've seen a few movies recently and I highly recommend all of them:

Shelter ( simple story line, really sweet, well acted, nice soundtrack, I loved it, loved it)

Poster Boy (I've always thought about this story line, political )

Get Real (Cute, traditional, a bit boring to be honest)

Sommerstrum (Cute coming of age story)

A Question of Love (Cute coming of age story)

CRAZY (Cutesy, endearing)

Holidays ahoy! Before I leave next week, I have 5 holiday parties to attend and have friends from college visiting. That all promises to be loads of fun. Home does not.

I hope you are all doing well, and do say hello from time to time.

Cheers!

Civlization here I come

2008-10-28T00:27:00.002-04:00

I am going back a-visiting.former college haunts. former friends. security.release. this weekend. very exciting. Couldn't be happier to get back in touch with the real world.

World Spins Madly On

2008-10-23T18:23:00.007-04:00

I hate when people disconnect midway through a conversation or a dialogue. And I wasn't about to do that.

Fall's galloping towards winter. I love this time of the year. The weather is pretty much the only thing that I am favorably disposed to these days.

I am really homesick. I miss my former life, my college, my college friends and the city that I've just left. The city that I've moved to, while a fine city in it's own right, has been surprisingly abysmally disappointing. I'd rather call it a town for the amenities that it provides. However, to be fair I do have a skewed perspective: this is the smallest place I've ever lived in. I find it a tad surprising that there's no decent public transit, there aren't any decent stores, and there isn't much to do. The city is quite poor and the racial divide is disturbingly patent. No surprises that it's quite an unsafe city. I went on a tour of the city neighborhoods and was pretty shocked.

The people in my program are hard to be friends with. It strange, sad but true. There's just too much destructive interference (think Young's Double Slit Experiment). We're constantly on different wavelengths.

If I could transfer out, I would, but I won't. My advisor is extremely supportive and the department wants to help me succeed, so staying here is a smart career move.One of the profs who I hope will agree to co-advise me next term is super cute, super classy and super British right down to his overall 'look' :)

I am hoping that someday I will be able to come to terms with things and just settle and feel an inner peace. I have always been in a rush to get someplace that always seems to be around the corner. I am beginning to get out of breath. I've got to stop this wild goose chase. I know what I should want, but I can't believe I will ever be satisfied. I feel frustrated because I've always known what I should do in a particular circumstance but I end up doing somethings pretty stupid anyways.

The shadows are lengthening outside. I'll go for a walk by the water now. The blast of the fog horn, the crisp evening cool and the nip in the air will hopefully assuage, somewhat, this nostalgic heart.

New beginnings

2008-08-30T22:35:00.002-04:00

Fall's here and so is Gossip Girl. I tres heart the show.

I love fall. New colors, new clothes, new semester, new stationery, and this year new city, new friends, new program, new hopes, new dreams...

BUT honestly, it doesn't feel like fall in my new city, it's pretty hot and muggy and pretty ghetto. The city I did my undergrad in is one of the finest cities in NA and this one is one of the ghettoest in NA. Talk about extremes. However, I live on the water and the harbour is nice so it's meh.

School started for us on the 28th and it promises to be a bundle of work. We run on a quarter system and I feel drained already which doesn't bode too well for me.But hopefully I'll be fine.

I like the people in the program. They're surprisingly not as international as I thought they'd be and not from as many big name schools either.However, they're all very interesting in the perspectives they bring. A vast majority of them have worked for a while after their last degree. It's rather uncommon to jump in straight after undergrad, to the extent that someone actually asked me in a jocular way as to what I was doing in the program. It was funny.

There are 4 of us from my undergrad school and while we were acquaintances back then we are becoming good friends now. It's really funny how things work out with friends and stuff. The one thing I am miffed about though is that the folks in my track are very cliquey. I don't know any of them and I don't think I'll be good friends with any of them.However, I've met many cool people from the rest of the tracks.

I don't know how i feel and how I ought to feel. I feel sorta anxious, a bit blank and mostly ambivalent. I don't know why. When will Pfizer come up with something to give people like me a boost?

Hope you guys are doing well and enjoying the long weekend.

Here I am ( Kaskade and Morales, 2000)

2008-07-12T10:58:00.004-04:00

The summer is in full swing and so is every other concomitant thing: guys without shirts, girls looking flirtatiously purty, nice weather, and the heat and the humidity.

I've been away because I have been overwhelmed dealing with stuff on my end. Things have been abysmally shitty for the past few months but they seemed to be on some sort of keel for the moment at least. Every outcome has a positive perspective.

No one warned me against the Ides of May, but there they were. May and June, two of the toughest months that I've encountered in a long, long time.Those two months have forced me to face my demons, and take a hard look at the roads I am capable of traversing. I have always been rather fearful of the things that I am capable of doing to achieve my goals, and there has always been an internal struggle about the uncertainty of my actions when the road forks out. I guess in May I found out what I was capable of. However, it does not epitomize who I am, it doesn't even come close to characterizing a fraction of the person I am, so my therapist tells me.

My friends have been magnanimous with their time, help and resources. The emotions that I fear in people, were probably those that kept insanity at bay. For my friends and their humane-ness, I am most grateful.

I am now in therapy and it's been helping a lot, a lot, a lot. Sad, it's not going to last much longer. However, my therapist feels I should be able to take home the messages of the past few sessions and work with those. However, she also feels that it'd be great if I were to resume therapy once in my new school. I think that's a great idea too.

I've always considered myself to be a doer. I am always doing things. I am running around after this and that. Unfortunately, I've never really known what I actually want, what my heart truly desires. Uber pragmatism has severed me from many things that make us human. The events of the past few months and my friends have helped me regain a lot of my lost humanity (I wasn't turning into a monster!). I am taking the rest of the summer to contemplate, to delve into memories of things past and recast connections, to be mindful, to be pacific and to be wholesome. Internal validation is a hard thing to achieve. But no one said it'll be easy.

The summer is two months closer to the end. For those of you that follow or followed this journal, I said yes to school A. I initially said yes to school B and after school A offered me a full scholarship I found it hard to turn the offer down. Hopefully, I will be able to matriculate once fall rolls around.

I am eagerly awaiting the advent of Fall : (Hopefully) a new city, a new school, and fresh, lime-scented beginnings with a spritz of Aqua-Di-Gio! There's nothing better than making a fresh start.

Another thing: I tried being at the receiving end of the sexual pole. However, the other guy wilted a tad sooner than I'd have liked. All in all, it was a pretty decent new experience. I guess. I am stronger than I thought. Drinking milk has paid off :)

Cheers!

p.s.- Thanks to all those who checked up on me during my absence.

The latest offering from The Chemical Brothers

Star Guitar

2008-04-16T09:58:00.005-04:00

It's been a month since I last said hello. Hello again.

It's been a bit busy with school and shit. Some things have gotten a bit more complicated while some other things have been resolved.

For instance, I know where I am going to school.I vacillated till the last minute until finally someone convinced me. Now I am very relieved that the die has been cast.So onwards and upwards it is. It feels great to be courted by universities and it sucks to say no to great programs.

One of my finals yesterday was the epitome of crap. I was writing out answers which I knew were substandard but I couldn't do much about it. My brain was like a bowlful of jelly, concepts mashed up together, neurobiology all confused..... Gaaah :( If I can pass I'll be very happy. I know I am usually a bit dramatic with my academics and all but trust me on this one guys.

I am prolly taking time off this summer. I was supposed to do research somewhere but shall be spending time with family and friends instead.

The weather is great, things are on the move albeit in complicated ways, am a bit tired....

How've you guys been?

The Gulls Are Here In The Age of Facebook

2008-03-19T09:44:00.006-04:00

Howdy y'all?

For the past couple of days I have been silently screaming to myself "The Gulls are coming! The Gulls are coming!" As annoying as those loathsome and vicious creatures are, their arrival is a harbinger of spring, of tulips, of warmer climes, and of flip-flops.

One can hear, with increasing frequency, their screeches and squawks. I can't say that they are omnipresent yet, but the day is not far, when a whole entourage will flock around a hapless student as he/she harmlessly aims to enjoy a muffin in the quad. These gulls are quite vicious; they fight amongst themselves over pieces of dirty leftovers, chase each other around over a piece of carrot muffin and haggle over garbage! Stoopid birds.

But nevertheless, it warms my glacial hear that this city is finally going to see warmer climate again. Thought that it would not be possible, given the amounts of snow we've received thus far. It seems a little aberrant: steadily increasing temperatures coupled with the piles of dirty snow that yet litter this fair city. Soon iridescent tulips will replace the dirt snow. Magnolias will be out in full bloom. Apple cherries will dot this Victorian campus. Beautiful lasses and handsome lads will shed their clothes and so will I! My city is uber fashionable. It is really a sight to behold the pretty people as they flit about oh-so-nonchalantly. I am going to miss people watching in cafes! We have disproportionate number of 24 hr cafes, which I miss in other cities. Last summer, I totally missed them in Boston. Like seriously, the medical area didn't have a single 24 hr cafe. Doctors do not get good grades by not pulling all-nighters.

Anyways, onwards....

I am not sure if you guys are aware of this but a Canadian university has been in the news lately for almost expelling a student over the creation of Facebook study group. Apparently answers were exchanged on the wall of the group and ergo the university was deliberating about expelling the founder of the group.

Here's a pretty decent report of the goings-on:

http://www.nationalpost.com/news/canada/story.html?id=377541

The crazy reach and utilitarian nature of the internet is clearly making life miserable for some people while facilitating the lives of others. One man's meat is another man's poison. While freedom of speech is all well and good, what most people forget is that with the liberty comes a lot of responsibility. And I for one, believe that my generation takes a lot of these liberties for granted and flagrantly abuses them. I support institutions being cagey about issues such as plagiarism and cheating in this highly techy age. However, the technology that has made filching another person's idea easy has also made it easier to detect such violations. I believe if stuffy ole unis got on with the times, they'd find that the 21st century had made policing and life easier for them too. But both sides have to exercise caution and restraint on using this new found freedom that the digital era affords us.

As far as the case of expelling the kid goes, I don't think he should be expelled at all. If answers were given out on a mass distribution basis, action should be taken against those who did it (give the perpetrators a warning or something), however the founder of the group should be left alone. I think virtual study groups are a great collaborative idea, and honestly who are we kidding, on most assignments when ppl stumble on questions they eventually ask someone for help and in most cases get the answers anyways. Professors know and understand this.

Assignments are a way to make ppl understand and appreciate the material. One of my profs would hand us our first drafts back with comments as to how to improve or correct attempts and would only grade us on our second draft. Needless to say almost everyone got a perfect on their assignments. However, she'd kill us on her midterms and finals, which honestly weren't that bad. She'd show us one way of thinking via the assignments and she'd expect some originality and creativity under pressure during finals.Not too much to ask for. Also she is a fantastic prof so it's hard not understand the material well when she teaches.

Anyways to end this tangent, I want to thank those who pitched in with their comments for the previous post. I am prolly gonna make up my mind once the end of this month comes around.I'll surely let y'all know.

Happy Easter weekend folks. I am going home after such a long time... am excited... plus pater is away! And you know what they say... when pater is away the mice will play!

Cheers!

p.s. -I tried a different sexual act over the weekend, reportage to follow.

A Question For You + Current Soundtrack Of My Life

2008-03-16T09:27:00.010-04:00

I am strongly feeling the urge to procrastinate. Plus I need your help.

I am quite torn between choosing grad schools and I can almost hear some of you go, "Not again!" But honestly, I am not trying to rub it in or gloat or anything. I'd really appreciate it if y'all could pitch in. So here goes

School A

Pros: Powerhouse program,great depth and breadth in offerings, way more funding than other schools, collegial atmosphere, great, not gilded, name

Cons:Ok town.

School B

Pros:Great program( just slightly less great than A's),department focus compatible with my interests, interesting electives, nice town, gilded name and considered a powerhouse on the whole.

Cons:Not much funding, not very collegial

What do y'all think. Does the strength of one school's program sway me or should the overall package influence my decision?

I am very fortunate that I am spoiled for choice.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In other news, I am in love with vocal trance. It's sexy and uplifting.

A couple of songs that I have been listening to on repeat :

Always a Fool by Kyau and Albert

Empty Street by Late Night Alumni

---------------------------------------------------------------
The cutest boy walked in to my lab as a participant.When he responded to my ad, I sensed some sort of gay vibe from his response, it was overtly cheery or something, so I v ery creepily FB-ed him and turns out that he is gay and quite the looker. He is very cute in person too boot and has a nice sense of humor and is single! I found out all this thanks to the detailed interview that I conduct as a part of the study. Ain't my research fun? Honestly it's a long drawn medical study.

Damn these fine looking men who dot my fair city. I have thrown manners and caution to the wind and have begun blatantly scrutinising them blokes.

Hope you are having a good Sunday folks. Someone wants to hook up with me but I am not in the mood. meh.

Curiosity needn't kill the cat

2008-03-12T08:26:00.008-04:00

So I should be studying for my Orgo and Econ midterms which are both next week, but whateva, I'll post.

Thank you everyone for your congratulations. I am pretty stoked myself.

I got a very positive response from another graduate school. So far it's 3/3. Yay!
Of the stuffy, pompous schools that've accepted me I like their approach the best. It was a fantastically personalised email that they sent me. The missive outlined some of my research interests and information on how I could collaborate with certain professors at that school, with links to their homepages, links to newsletters, papers et al. They've also stated their scholarship package which is noteworthy because the other schools that've accepted me are still in the throes of making scholarship decisions. The only drawback: It's the least strong of the schools I applied to. It has a wonderful name and great connections to provide fo sho, but....

I am a bit torn, but whateva they're all like top 10, top 5 and top 3. I am sure I'll get a great education at either of the three, but only two of them can provide me with a great social life. I am very happy with all my options.

So, in other news,apparently, I flagrantly defy authority.I got called in to my boss's office because my supervisors at work feel that I am not subordinate enough. Apparently my questions are quite cutting and reflective of a need for additional explanation and rationale implying that what the supervisors say is not good enuff the first time. But that's not the case at all. The thing is that I am just curious by nature. I don't bombard people with questions, but I do ask more questions than average, I have a quivering mind, what can I say... And I don't think that's a drawback at all. My curious mind is my armour, it's the only thing I can fall back on to ensure that I succeed in graduate school, at work, at life....
Well, I guess I'll ask a few less questions. That's why I like hanging out with older folks, they love my questions.

People who aren't sure about themselves find questions annoying. Questions make the world go around. Curiosity definitely doesn't need to kill the cat. In classes and such people tend to refrain from asking questions; that's like the stupidest thing ever. If you have a doubt clarify it, ask out loud. If you only wanna show off , keep shut.I have no qualms in looking stupid initially if at the end I come out smelling like roses.

At this point I am very curious about the idea of making a time capsule filled with ideas of what my friends want to do with their lives, how they envision the future to play out, and then reopen the capsule later like on our 25th class reunion. I think it'd be interesting.That life is filled with vagaries,is what the capsule would demonstrate, I bet.

This city is totally out of whack! We got so much snow last week it's crazy shit.WTH. It's March for crying out loud! It really doesn't help that none of the schools I'll be going to in the fall are in cities that get a fair bit of snow.

To make myself feel warm and fuzzy these are the people I look at:

Anthony Ames

Matt Walton

They both starred in a movie called 200 American.The movie itself was a bit mediocre, meh.Am not sure if either of them is gay. Anthony Ames has inspired me to get into shape before grad school. I am intend on losing 20 lbs. Come the summer, I am gonna bike and bike a lot at that.My summer plans are still up in the air. I have been offered a pretty awesome internship at an awesome university.The city where I'll have to relocate to is pretty residential so I might just end up getting a bike and biking everywhere. The details are still being worked out. It's a bit confusing.But I am thankful.

Wednesday is here. By now you should know who your're hooking up with this weekend.

Graduate Schools Speak Out

2008-03-01T00:15:00.007-05:00

So I haven't posted in a while. Not due to a lack of activity but due to an overwhelmingly large amount of activity.Senior year is truly crazy. As the sun sets on my undegrad career and some things come to fruition, a sense of validation is beginning to engulf me. Things are gradually drawing to a close.

The curtains have been drawn faster than usual, this past week, as my grad school decisions have been trickling in. I only applied to 4 schools. So far I've heard from two and I 've been accepted to both. Needless to say I am very elated, excited and somewhat overwhelmed.

I came to know about my first acceptance on Wednesday. I had just finished watching Episode 12 of Brothers and Sisters, and decided to check my email. An email from one of my grad schools lay comfortably in my inbox, while my heart literally leaped out of my chest. There were many anxiety filled moments as I went to the admissions home page and filled in my PIN and password.I was accepted! Yay!
So relieved! I immediately called my mom and my dad and they were both very happy.That news left me in a bit of stupor. I was relieved but not as happy as I thought I'd be,I just couldn't believe it. So I went in to work, feeling pleasant though not elated.

My friends were super excited when I told them about it, and I only began to feel genuinely happy and appreciative yesterday.

And today, after two hours of sleep when I opened my inbox I noticed an email from the hardest grad school I had applied to. I was a bit surpised since I had just spoken with them yesterday and they had informed me that decisions wouln't be emailed before next Wednesday.This time I wasn't as anxious going through the links as I knew I had gotten accepted elsewhere. I didn't have many expectations from this school, cuz I didn't meet all their criteria etc. But lo and behold! I have been accepted here too! At this point I am a mixture of overwhelmed, numb, ecstatic, relieved, stupefied, incredulous, speechless and...and....

My parents and friends and profs are very proud and ecstatic, two of my friends have it on their FB status. It's so unbelievably nice to share your joy with others and see it spread cheer among people you care for.

Now I have only two more decisions waiting to come in. I am not very worried about stuff any more.

I want to thank you guys for bearing with my petulant, anxious self for the past few months. Thanks for your support and encouragement with many aspects of my private life, everything from telling my dad, to fretting about grad school admissions.

It's such a sense of validation, these acceptances are, well at least, for my cerebral powers. The schools I got into are some of the hardest to get into in the world so I am really thrilled.But, on some level I do feel a bit undeserving. I really didn't apply myself as much and there are people who worked way harder that I did. But anyways....The fact that my mom is overjoyed really makes me feel happy. God only knows how few and far between joyous occasions have been for her.

I am so, so, so relieved; you guys have no idea. I am not going to have nightmares of rejection letters anymore. Yay for acceptances. Good luck to those who are still waiting to hear back.

Happy weekend.

My favourite villain and some more

2008-02-11T07:14:00.000-05:00

Hello there. Am back by popular demand. I really like that song. So it has been a while since I posted; I have been working a fair bit and have also been procrastinating my sweet ass off :)

It's exactly a month since I 'came out' to my parents aka told them that I wasn't going to med school. It was a huuuge step for me.My family is very wonky that way.Uptight, conservative and sorta egalitarian but really not. Thankfully it went better than I expected. Big mental load jettisoned.

So I have been watching a lot of cartoons lately: things that I didn't watch when I was growing up. Too much work, too many expectations and so little time. My entire university experience has been one big exercise in reclaiming my long lost childhood My college experience has been by my standards, a big period of downtime for me.

Yeah so cartoons... I've been watching a lot of He-Man. Could he be any more gay? Pink shirt, lavender tights, gym bunny...I smell gay or maybe the creators were closeted gays. Jk. Even more than He-Man I love Skeletor, the big bundle of bones, who is He-Man's arch enemy. The things that come out of this guy's mouth are bad ass funny. For instance he called He-Man a "muscle bound moron". Skeletor also calls Orko "a big bag of wind"! Orko,for the uninitiated, is a very clumsy magician; he's the comic relief of the show. Man, Skeletor and his hairbrained plans have me in splits!If only Dubya's hairbrained schemes were as innocuous and inconsequential.

So on to the Justice League. Damn my parents for not letting me watch the show when I was a kid. But to be fair none of my friends watched much TV either.Too busy trying to be successful. I don't really begrudge my parents. I really like Batman. I'd never liked him much previosuly, but his dark, brooding personality has a very attractive appeal for me.The best part about Justice League is that they actually have nice sotry lines. Ppl just don't wake up, kill the bad guys and go back to sleep. Interesting story arches with double crosses and love triangles. Yay Justice League!

While I am not dark or brooding, I am definitely very detached just like Batman. One of my friends called me emotionally unavailable the other day. This friend also remarked how I don't demonstrate an affinity for any country or race or place. I am very ambivalent towards most things. It's a serious concern for me cuz this ambivalence can be discerned in all other aspects of my life. My post-doc, the guy under whom I work in the lab, keeps remarking about that too.

The other thing that has been bothering me is that, apparantly I provide a lot of comic relief. My post-doc and some of my other friends have also said that. While I see no harm in being funny, I don't want to be the comic relief guy. I guess I equate comic relief with being ditzy, aka Phoebe (who is my fav character in Friends),and I don't wanna be considered ditzy and I know for a fact that my friends don't consider me ditzy. Man, am I insecure or what?

Yeah and about the bitch from hell, aka the lady shrink I visited a while back. I agree that she might have been giving me tough love but her tone put me off. I have no problems in hearing opinions contrary to mine and learning from them. I realize that most ppl don't want advice. Most ppl are looking for some sort of corroboration. I try to refrain from that folly. Thankfully I have mentors at school who give me very unbiased advice which I almost always defer to. But this shrink was rather pugnacious and biased. For one she completely discounted my contention that environmental characters definitely can make ppl gay. Scientists aren't convinced, but this lady is, that gays are born gay, aka it's all or mostly genetic. Yeah right.So on and so forth. I do realize that I'll have to make tough decisions about how I want to lead my life later on and such but I am going to put soul searching off till later.

Right now I am worried about what I am going to do come Fall'08. My friends have been hearing back from schools and such. I am very very nervous.I've applied to 4 schools, the lowest of them being ranked number 7 or 8 or something ridiculous like that. There's this one other school that I want to apply to but they started accepting applications in September and I fear it's too late. Maybe I'll apply regardless. Keeping fingers crossed.The future is so nebulous and amorphous, it's scary.

I hope you guys are doing well. Cheers!

Balderdash

2008-01-29T07:13:00.000-05:00

So I have been officially called a robot.

My Monday trip to a shrink who deals in gay issues was not very productive. It left me a bit angry and ergo I am not going to see her again.

When I made the call, a few weeks ago, I was feeling a bit troubled. I was feeling constricted in my chest and that had to do with my liking for men. I felt it would be a good idea to go talk to someone who had experience dealing with such issues. Well that moment has long passed. So when I went in yesterday I was feeling more relaxed, and comfortable than when I made the call. We had a long chat.By the end of which she co-opted my use of the word robot and started calling me that as well.

I might not be very lovey dovey and might not be emotionally accessible to a lot of people but there's nothing wrong with that. I feel emotions,and things do move me. Silly things in books or movies or TV shows can make me laugh or cry. I just choose not to be very expressive.

The lady just brought out the belligerent pighead in me. I didn't think she was very empathetic at all. She used a pretty accusatory/holier-than-thou tone with me, which I didn't like. Needless to say I don't think I will be going back to her. What a waste of my time.God! some men and women should not become doctors.

It's funny how some people get a lot of flak for being, you know,cold, aloof and such. Well, I don't seem to suffer from that problem.I can be very chummy and warm in a way that makes people feel nice but that doesn't extract much out of me. It's a system that works and works very well.

One of the things that did come out of the convo with the crazy shrink lady were some of the reasons why I am a bit scared of the whole gay thing.A combination of a lot of misplaced stereotypes. Well,for one, I am deathly scared what negative impact this might have on my career. I am not particularly thrilled being a part of a group that has to devote half it's energies to just getting equal footing, I'd rather concentrate my energies elsewhere. It's cowardice, that's what it is but you know...

During the course of our talk I also realized I have obsession with rationalising things. Rationalising is good.It helps keep things in order.It gives a person an idea of the things he can control and the things he can't. For instance, people keep worrying about their emotions which they can't control. Such a waste of time, such an unproductive endeavour.

However, i do realize that to get close to someone I will eventually have to open up a lot more,become more emotionally accessible and till I meet someone I like like I am going to ensconced in my own thoughts.

I realize I haven't really opened up myself.So here goes...deep breath

I cry quite,no make that...very easily. The death of Dumbledore,scenes from The Gladiator, bad grades in elementary school, scenes from... hold it... even Ugly Betty. I can be quite the cranky.But only in private.

I am quite scared of meeting new people. I am very self conscious and can get all awkward around people, and my gift of the gab desserts me at those moments.I feel rather insecure around people my own age and hence have a thing for older folks. Their presences reassures me.

That's a lot for now.

42, Books, Food

2008-01-24T07:07:00.000-05:00

I am a big fan of Douglas Adams, the one of H2G2 fame. You know, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.The fantastically playful and delightfully hilarious sci-fi book.It's one of the collections that I read cover to cover in one sitting. The best part about reading, I feel, is the long conversation that you have with the author while you're reading the book and sometimes even after.I also love how some authors can , through their writings, transport you to eras long gone. The potency of lucid writing has always awed me. Books have been my refuge for a very long time now.I especially like epic, historical fiction and biographies(though I've not read as many as I would like).

I've come to realize that food is becoming my refuge too.I've noticed that when I am stressed I inevitably end up consuming something and watching feel good T.V. shows. I've been very stressed of late. This week has been a reminder of things that should have been taken care of long ago and has also opened the doors to many uncertain and nerve racking and possibly unpleasant possibilities.As a result I've eaten more than usual. It's almost if all the food that I am consuming will somehow, magically, suppress the anxiety within or better still displace it just like a ball, when dropped in a pool, displaces a volume of water equal to its own weight.

The life of a student can be hard. We're basically mini adults facing problems similar to those of adults albeit on a reduced scale. It's almost as if there's a litany of problems following in my wake.Grades, finances, the future, employment. I am not in a particularly advantaged financial position right now and have to get a job with regular hours and steady weekly income.It definitely adds to the stress. One of my profs remarked to me the other day that perhaps the fact that I was always anxious about something or the other made me a good student. I'd really hope that this is not the case. Anxiety, while stimulating in some doses is very unsettling and unpleasant a sentiment to harbour within oneself.

One of my friends has also remarked that the almost frenetic daily schedules that I structure are a way for me to deal with my innately high anxiety levels.Come to think of it, if one is super busy and has to get things many things one can't afford to ruminate, brood and be anxious. Adrenalin is a fantastic hormone. I recommend it to everyone.

I've always felt that the measure of a person and his character is how he deals with problems.I take a pro-active approach to things. Many people are very gifted, very talented. I am not. Things don't come easy to me. Hence I seek them out. I am persistent and hard-working for the most part.I am competitive in a laid-back sort of way. I will do what it takes for me to succeed, but I will not trample over you or rub my success in your face. I keep my emotions closely guarded. There is such joy in taking the initiative and leading. It feels great to be the vanguard. To feel the rush of free air before anyone else does make you feel like you're the king of the world.

So, even though a few problems have arisen that might have some not so pleasant ramifications down the line, I am going to face them head on and work on them.By work all things grow and progress.

I am so looking forward to the week winding down, even though it's looking to be a very busy weekend. I have 4 hours of work on Saturday. On Sunday I helping out at a school function the entire day. It's gonna be fun. At least it'll keep the anxiety at bay.

The answer to life, the universe and everything else is indeed 42.

I hope that things are going alright for Matt-CNS. Goodluck bro.

The Original version is nicer but I couldn't find it :(

Cool and not dependent

2008-01-20T19:04:00.000-05:00

A big thanks to everyone for their expressed support in the last post. Apparently, the folks haven't discussed my change of plans much, which can be a bad thing or a good thing. But I am a bit scared about this change of plans as well. A fellow blogger, who has a lot of experience in Public Health, has very kindly consented to talk to me and answer my questions. I also can't afford to slip-up, a lot of eyes are on me. Not only those of my parents' but also those of a lot of family friends. I have always been one of those marked kids. I recall one dear family friend, perhaps in jest, but nevertheless, stating that he hoped his daughter did better than me while applying for colleges and universities and such, way back when I was in junior year in high school! I think we ended up getting into our top choices but while she is at her top choice, I made a compromise. I love my school but it wasn't my top choice. Pressure is good. As long as you like what you're doing, I don't see how a little bit of combustible stuff can be anything but good for the fire.
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I need to start studying. Organic Chemistry is going to kick my glutes if I don't open my books soon. It's one of my electives. I am prone to shit like taking hardcore electives. But I <3 Orgo and I am sure Thiols <3 me too! The weekend has been very fun. Crashing wine and cheese events, house parties, attending an outdoor rave in the middle of the frigging arctic winter. I love raves. They're so high energy. My legs feel a bit weird. I am not used to dancing in my winter boots!There were so many cute guys around. My city has a disgustingly high proportion of great looking guys!

I am sold on this song.

This is the original version:

Both Sia and Sander Van Doorn are great!!
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It's interesting that very often people interpret being reserved as being standoffish and being uncaring. Especially those in the public eye. You can definitely maintain your distance and not be an uncaring monster. A lot of people in the political spectrum get a lot of flak for being 'detached'. I do not understand the public's craving for lovey dovey personas.Honestly, it's pretty disgusting. Nothing against people who are very expressive of their emotions, but why be prejudiced against those who don't wear their hearts on their sleeves? I find it particularly gratifying to not give into my emotions. Too many mistakes are made when people do so. There's a sense of self, of self controll, of strong will in the act of not indulging that appeals to me.

I am a bit of a paradox. My friends call me things like 'social whore', 'social butterfly' and also give me monikers such as 'lone ranger'. I am not good at expressing genuine emotion but am great at faking Pollyanna. It works. However, at the end of each day, I come home and I think aloud "God! it's so great to have no one to talk to". My walls are white and completely bare. It's very serene and satisfying.But just cuz I can be a lone ranger, am very independent,strong willed, and get awkward around emotions doesn't mean I am uncaring. I hate it when people get flak for not being emotionally expressive.It's ridiculous.

Have a great week ahead. Much love!

Coming clean to the folks

2008-01-16T05:01:00.000-05:00

So this past weekend saw the dreaded and till-now-skillfully-skirted father-son confrontation finally happen.I've previously written 'bout this issue here and here.

I reached home quite tired and wary on Friday night. I hoped that my dad would not bring up the topic of med school apps until Saturday. But he didn't give me that sort of reprieve.

I believe his fourth question to me was about the status of my applications. And with my heart thudding its way out of my chest and my sympathetic nervous system in overdrive I told him about my change of plans.

You see, I have no desire to treat patients, am not passionate about the life sciences and add to that mix my pathological laziness. I can't for the life of me see how anyone can possibly imagine a good doctor emerging.I have good to great people skills, but that doesn't necessarily mean practising medicine. I'd rather be able to influence entire populations at a time on a more fundamental level than one person at a time. Being a doctor also almost feels akin to being a mechanic, that of people's bodies.It's not all that compassionate and noble, if you think about it.

I have for the longest time told people that I wanted to go to medical school and for a little while I believed that medicine was my calling. But that was partly due to my ignorance about other avenues and partly due to the belief that if people said I'd make a good doctor then I would perhaps make for a good doctor.And what better profession than practising medicine? Pretty noble and good money too.

But all that changed this summer when I interned in Boston at a great place that exposed me to the field of public health. I really want to go into public health policy and such, eventually get a MBA or a JD, and then perhaps work for the World Bank or the WHO or so.

I told all this, albeit with a pronounced stammer, to my dad who swallowed the news in a surprisingly calm manner. My dad is renowned for his mercurial temper. The anticipated verbal vitriol didn't gush forth. He was very taken aback by the news, very disappointed and very skeptical. He is very old school: medicine, banking or law or maybe just medicine.

We talked for a bit and it was time for dinner. My dad's calm demeanour really surprised me.It was prolly like the calm before the storm.

Saturday was a different story altogether. He harangued me for the longest time. I think after I got back in the evening, we talked for like 3 straight hours till 12 or something. He was very angry and conferred upon me many choice epithets like 'selfish monster','soulless person','unreliable starry eyed naive fool'.

He feels that just cuz I've changed my mind I am very unreliable and people will not find me trustworthy. He kept bringing that up.He felt that I have misled him all these years.Psssh...

When I told him that I didn't want to treat patients he attributed that to not my lack of passion for the medical profession but to my elitist nature and went on to label me 'a selfish monster' in the process.

When I told him about the schools I was applying to, hoping that he'd be placated a little bit on hearing about the strength of the programs, he labelled me an 'unreliable,starry-eyed, naive fool'.On the other hand he also stated that if I couldn't even get into ' Vard's 'fluff programs' then I was not much of a student. You really can't win with my dad.

For the most part I didn't care much about what he said. But he is cognizant of the fact that he can't do much: he can't force me. His frustration is very obvious. He loves playing the part of dictator.

My mother has known more or less about my disinterest in medical school and interest in other programs. She is very supportive.My mom's a darling.

I am worried as to how this whole thing is going to play out. My dad has a tendency to mull, brood and overanalzye and become very bitter and angry in the process. He could potentially ask for a divorce, though I've always believed that my mom should have served the papers a long time ago. They've been together to help me succeed. But now that I've changed tracks....
Just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that my family doesn't disintegrate on my account. I'd feel unimaginably guilty.

Yeah, so it's been pretty stressful. At least it's out in the open. I am dreading my next phone convo with my dad.Thankfully I am not going home for the next three months.

Over the phone, my mom tells me that my dad's really disappointed that I won't be becoming a world famous doctor or medical researcher or something like that. My parents need to tone their hopes down a notch. It's true,I have potential and that I could get into most of the top medical schools but ....Common... World famous doctor? That's a lot to expect. I wouldn't mind becoming the next Dr. Paul Farmer but I'm sure Dr. Farmer didn't seek out renown. It sought him out.

One of the things that my dad said rankled me, and two other friends have brought it up this week as well: that I am an elitist. I don't want to be one though.I do think I am becoming very cold hearted and unfeeling. Hopefully I'll be able to talk about this as well with my new shrink who specialises in GLBT issues.I really need to see a shrink so I can unload and sort shit out.

Yesterday, I spoke with a nice gentleman for over two hours on the phone. He had recommended the psychiatrist.Turns out he has a very sizable library, a chunk of which he is donating to a university.I am optimistic that I'll be able to appreciate the works of some gay authors in his library.

It's been a very busy two weeks in school. I am a bit frazzled. One of the ways I keep exhaustion at bay is by blaring loud house or techno into my ear drums. It keeps me pumped. That and not eating much. I am not much of a coffee drinker but that's changing as my body ages. I am beginning to need my coffee fix.

I really have very gay tastes in music. I have enough to worry about and be sad about in my life to not want to listen to people cry about heartbreak and such in ballads and in other musical forms. Mostly, I like upbeat music. It's a part of my personality.I derive a lot of my energy from the music I listen to.

Here are two songs that I am currently listening to on repeat:

I've always loved Star Guitar

This song is going to become an anthem.I really like this video. It makes me crave the summer evenings of yore. It's winter wonderland outside my window.

I need to write my last grad school essay and then get three edited and I'll be done. Hopefully I'll be able to wrap things up this week.Off I go to tackle another essay.

Happy Wednesday fellas!

Love in times of closeted uncertainty

2008-01-08T06:51:00.000-05:00

Love seems to perpetually float in the air . I am beginning to continually feel like Bridget Jones at a couples' dinner. Awkward and a bit indignant.

Now that I think about it, most of my friends are in relationships. At least one couple will get married in a couple of years.

For the longest time, I've resiliently pushed the thought of relationships out of my mind. I've rationalised that I am not a relationships kinda guy: selfish, insensitive, put success first and such. My close friends seem to think that there is something wrong with the the way I think.They are of the opinion that my person is the antithesis of what I make myself out to be.

My parents' relationships has irrevocably fouled my take on human bonding.People get hurt and sometimes don't recover. I am really scared that it will happen to me as well. I have a very fragile self esteem anyways; I don't want to invite anyone into my life to see him eventually destroy my sense of self. I am way too insecure.I am afraid of rejection.

My act of arrogance and bravado is my defence mechanism. I act like a jerk, so that people stay away, but my friends see past my act.

But the most important question is: where do I start looking for a relationship?

I am just beginning my adult life and am in the cupboard(closet? whoever came up with that?). I have no idea where to meet people. MH? CL? Not great resources.

I also think I am quite undateable. I have way too much baggage.I think I deal with it well, but in reality I deal with as best I can, which sometimes is not well enough. When ppl get too close, I can act out. It's no fun.

I am going to see a therapist soon. I've emailed a couple of people.These confusing emotions are a bit hard for me to deal with it. They are new and alien.I've never felt clueless in this manner before. I like having a single-track mind. Emotions are petty, time consuming and usually counter-productive.I've had a hard time getting over my crush.Maybe I haven't moved on satisfactorily.It doesn't help that my top choice for grad school is in the city of the erstwhile object of my affections.

I should be enjoying my last term in school more. I am way too anxious. Maybe this is what happens to folks who are anticipating a big change. I am anxious about where I am going to study come fall.I also feel the need to make some gay friends in my city and am making no headway. I don't understand the urgency, but it's there.I am feeling unusually emotionally bottled up.

I have all these unsettling emotions rattling inside me. There are a million whirling dervishes inside, waiting for an outlet.

I really hope the gay therapist can be of some assistance. Maybe,for now, I should stop thinking about all this stuff and just focus on academic success. Who knows?

The beginning of the end + gay movies

2008-01-04T10:13:00.001-05:00

And thus began the first day of my last semester as as undergrad. I was quite busy and tired yesterday and thus was unable to process this emotion then. It has struck with a vengeance now. It's 10:15 in the morning,a diaphanous white curtain of snow lending a mystical aura to the landscape outside, and Candi Staton is playing in the background. I am a tad bit sad.

Four months and it shall be over.

My journey has not been one smooth ride. And I thank God for that. It has forced me to grow up, learn, acknowledge my weaknesses and face my demons.My school has been unconscionably kind to me. I am so glad I decided to matriculate here.Fabulous city. Fabulous student body.Hell! I count more than a couple of Rhodes Scholars and all sorts of future leaders as my friends.My professors look forward to seeing me in the hallways of the department. It's been fun.It's been hard. But it will soon be gone.

I will soon be giving thanks to my Alma mater.I am so proud to have graduated from here.

My last semester grades have come in. I would have gotten straight As had I studied for more than 1 day for my 6th class. Pssh..it's all good.

Over the break, I watched two gay movies, and a plethora of others.

These two were particularly interesting to watch.

Boy Culture
It chronicled a segment of the life of a gay hustler : the emotional,social and sexual aspects of his life.It was a sensitive and very interesting portrayal. The protagonist wasn't uber hot which made it a refreshing casting choice.I could relate to the protagonist in more ways than one.

FAQs
I watched this movie just yesterday.It revolved around the lives of gay 'orphans' whom a transexxual named Destiny takes under her wings.It was an interesting perspective. Definitely challenged some of my stereotypes about the gay community.It was edgy and a bit dark.Kinda like the gay version of Sin City in that respect! It took a political stance. Showed gays with guns, killing straights and standing up for themselves.The problem with the movie though was that it was a bit too ambitious, so it felt a bit crammed and some characters were not much developed.

Do check them out when you can.

I wish those who have traipsed back to school, all the very best for the coming semester. All those who are driving to work, be careful!

Enjoy the wintery warmth of January fellas!

Happy 2008

2008-01-01T09:23:00.000-05:00

Happy 2008 y'all. I wish for all my virtual friends a virtually blemish free year!

The reason I am posting this so ridiculously early is

a) Cuz I wanna prove to myself I am not drunk inspite what others might say
b) I have a lot of stuff to do and getting a head start on the day is always a good idea.

I hope that everyone had a great new year's eve. I stayed in the city-that-I-go-to-school-in. Consequently there was a huge fight btw my parents as a result of that. Tres sigh. I'll prolly go home later this year sometime. Only 4 more months to graduate. Keeping my fingers tightly crossed for that one.Oh God, 'tis also the year of grad school apps. Hopefully some school will take me. Please some school take me. Please. Please.

Yeah so new years was fun:got hit on a bit and such.

After I ensured that my apartment sparkled like a diamond, I made my way to a friend's place for dinner. This friend is a fantastic cook. He is also a very strong person and does not smell even after a long workout. To demonstrate that he does not smell, his girlfriend, also a good friend, smelled his pits in front of us and later encouraged us to do so as well. Thankfully dinner was over by then.

Dinner table conversations were very interesting. There was a pregnant girl from Iowa who made quite a few subtle politically incorrect observations. It was funny. It was also funny when she said that she couldn't follow what I was saying but she wanted to. She accused my smartness of resulting in OHT. I blushed like only I can!We were talking about cancer epidemiology or the prevalence of psychiatric disorders in the third world or something.

After dinner we made our way to this bar/club where we met up with other folks to become a group of 11. Throw in smart people and alcohol and you have many interesting conversations. It was open bar to boot.

After vodka and tonic, vodka on the rocks, rum and coke, gin and tonic,shots and a lot of other things,and when I was kinda intoxicated I got a new year's kiss from a boy in the group, a very cute one at that, at which one of my other very inebriated friends asked me whether the guy was hitting on me or not.I said not but I secretly hoped that he was. And maybe he was, who knows?

The guy who kissed me, albeit only on the cheek, is quite cute. Very funny,high energy and smart. I'll facebook him to glean more info.

One of my friends started talking like a parakeet, and she kept using the word Dahhling' in a very affected British accent. Hilarious. This friend also proceeded to douse me with some shots and vodka. Not fun. I've gotta get most of my clothes dry cleaned now. Bummer.

This friend also made out with another friend of the same sex for a whole 30 seconds or so at the stroke of midnight.My look of disgust might have given me away but I quickly rebounded with, "Hey, I am conservative!"

The evening was fun, good people, crazy antics , interesting conversations( about smutty nurses!).

At the end of the night I did feel a little sad for my mom. She was hoping to see me home. but oh well. I had a tonne of stuff to do.

My resolutions. They're totally achievable.

A) Start eating like a human and not like a pig anymore. Gotta start looking hot-ter. Only 4 more months before a new school, a new city and new hot smarties beckon.

B) Try to get a 4.0 in my last semester. I have come tantalisingly close in many semesters. I just want to do it to prove to myself that I am capable of maintaining my focus throughout the sem. I am very unfocused. Hopefully I'll surprise myself.

C) I am going to take up a very energetic dance form. Hopefully I'll add that to my repertoire of skills before I graduate.

I hope you guys had fun night as well.

What do you guys resolve to do or not do in the new year?

I wish y'all every ounce of prosperity and fulfilment that y'all desire. It is well deserved.

Now I gotta scoot :)

Merry Christmas Y'all

2007-12-25T12:15:00.001-05:00

I hope y'all are enjoying this time of much jollity with your family and friends.

Enjoy the rest of the holiday season.

I am taking a hiatus till the New Year. Too much work and not enough procrastination:)

Sex and the snooze fest + Epiphanies

2007-12-23T06:17:00.000-05:00

I've quickly come to the realization that the hook-up game is pretty boring. Not very fun. Am I jaded? I've been out and about only twice. Should I be worried? You know, there are people out there who hook up more often than they do their laundry.

I'm one of those people who knows if he likes things or not quite promptly. More often than not. Like the time,when the idea of what to major in college came to me,whilst showering. I get a lot of these epiphanies. Maybe my sub conscious is in over drive or something. But I digress.

Yeah, so I am not a big fan of hooking-up.

I had my second taste of hot sweaty man sex about a week or maybe two ago. With the same pilot guy.I am a loyal customer and he's good.

So he sends me an email asking how exams are going and such and if I want to meet up. I am not particularly horny but I say yes, in part to quell my boredom. Sex is supposed to be fun. And fun squishes the monotony of life such as studying for exams.

So I go over to his place and he as usual is nice and compliments how I smell, how my gluteus max-s look, my smile and such. I feel pretty blase about it all. I am getting used to such stuff. Not a good sign.

Anyways we do the deed.And my mind is not in it at all.My mind embarks on an inter-galactic cruise and never returns.For the most part.

We try out different positions and I feel like a porn actor who couldn't give a flying fuck.He gives me head and my mind returns, albeit briefly.After its cameo, it speeds off again to parts of the universe yet uncharted.

My pilot friend seems to be enjoying it. Which I feel happy for. It's validation of my growing prowess.

I feel rather sleepy, but that's only because I've had a pretty big lunch right before. Two sausages and yogurt. I've only realized that Italian sausages look like a man's phallus.But that does not stop me from eating them.

Anyways, I was almost embarrassed I wouldn't climax. Thankfully I did. He wanted me to sit on his chest and dirty his face. I don't like the concept. If you wanna get a facial go to one of those beauty places that give you proper ones.Don't be lazy.

At the end of it all, he said nice things that made me blush a little. He waxed poetic about my gross anatomy some more and I felt pretty good.I then had one of my other epiphanies. About a New Year's Revolution. But more about that later.

So , moral of the story, I don't have a huge sex drive.I don't think I'd be that much into sex even if I were in a relationship. Too bad for me. Am I missing out on something. Prolly enjoyable cardio sessions but nothing more. I'd rather be burning calories doing other pursuits.

So my new year's resolution that flashed in front of my eyes, whilst laying naked, in the bed of a naked pilot is as follows.

I want to feel more confident about my body, confident enuff to make YouTube videos such as

I don't plan on looking like the subject of the video, but I want to feel confident in a similar way.

My body has a lot of potential. I am naturally not on the fat side of the spectrum. And my friends compliment me on the symmetry of my 'chiseled' face and my prominent jaw line.

I am taking up swing dancing next year. I am also bringing a trainer home. I need a well thought out exercise plan. I am throwing my glasses out of the house. As sophisticated as they might make me look, they tend to have a restrictive effect on my charm offensive.

Hell! I am going to be going a new university in about 4 months(fingers crossed, hopefully some place will take my sorry but very round ass). I need to make good impressions on some hottie prof or some hottie intellectuals.

Just kidding. I just hope to feel better about myself. My parents haven't been supportive of the way I turned out. My dad calls me gaunt and scare crow-ish amongst other things. I'll try to obliterate the effects of such taunts in the new year.

I am bit fazed by the emphasis on beauty in the man sex world. It disconcerts me a little. While in the straight world, I'd be considered above average by the people who dig my kind of looks, in the man sex world I'd be considered below average or even damaged goods by some.

Bah, having to make me work for something. I'd just like to coast.Coasting is fun, but vapid after sometime.

So to end this post steeped in narcissism, off I go to watch 3 episodes of Brothers and Sisters.

And looks like, I'll be spending New Years with the folks. My dad is apparently having a hissy fit and thinks I've become too big for my boots or something.

The Indiscretions of Youth

2007-12-21T17:02:00.000-05:00

It was a good friend's 21st birthday yesterday. It was funny to hear her lament her increasing age. What's with us university seniors lamenting the passage of youth the moment we emerge from our teens?

Here's a post to some of the indiscretions of my passing youth :)

I've just finished the last paper of my penultimate semester of my undergrad career. It was all sorts of complications, weird neurocomputational models of Dopamine regulation in people suffering from ADHD. My indiscretion: no sleep,no food, no water in the past 24 hours.

I love going full throttle on adrenalin . I should have started this paper ages ago, but got around to it at 2 am after returning from the party yesterday.It didn't help that I was busy IMing till 5 am. But fun activities come first. Bad prioritising is another of my youthful indiscretions. I usually plan other extra curriculars during class;I hardly ever go to class. I'm really bad,really bad. I need to get my act together in grad school.

I've noticed that as each successive generation is churned out, the emphasis on material success and achievement increases. My friends and I are terribly ambitious.Some of us are even ruthlessly so. We've all been reared in quite pressure cooker environs. As a result I have noticed, that a lot of us think of life as one big transaction of losses and gains, achievements and failures.I know that's very much the case with me. I am not cold hearted; I do think quite clinically though.I can be emotional but I'd rather not be. Cumbersome emotions, I don't like dealing with.

I wish our generation were a little more relaxed. We're always moving, rushing, scrambling. It's one class after another, one thesis after another, one degree after another,or one job after another... It's a bit mind boggling if you come to think of it;my go-getter peers and I don't pause and reflect that much. We hurtle on.

It's funny how the prime of youth makes most of us brash and arrogant and hopeless proponents of our misplaced sense of strength and infallibility.

The one thing I have learnt though, is that you can't really battle with life. I sure have plans, but I am not going to worry too much about the path. I am sure life has plans for me. I am not a fatalist but I don't mind going with the flow.Oh well, such is life.

The weather is bloody depressing.My parents are dishing out the guilt gravy. Mom keeps calling me to come home. Even dad emailed. My dad is a funny man. He knows that he and I don't get along well at all,but he still keeps asking me to come home.

This break I am going to be working on a tonne of stuff. But in other news, my best friend is back on this continent. Off I go to eat delicious sushi.Woohoo!!

Enjoy the weekend fellas.

Procrastination Central

2007-12-20T09:01:00.000-05:00

This post is nothing but me procrastinating from attending to matters more urgent and important. But that's classic me.I swear I'll get done with important stuff today.

I absolutely detest this time of the year. I hate the all around sepulchral weather. As magical as winter and snow may seem , it's bloody dreadful here. The city-that-I-go-to-school-in has spent $ 40*10^(6) on snow clearing activities this month alone. How much more ridiculous can you get? Needless to say, everyone's walking around like sacrificial penguins, bloated with 25 layers and quite unrecognisable.

Well, the end of the year is almost in sight. Most of the sporting seasons have wound down and accolades have been awarded.

In tennis Roger Federer and Justine Henin regined supreme.

Federer won 3 Grand Slams(no biggie) and 5/6 other tournaments. Also won more than $ 10*10^(6) . Woosh!

Henin had a superbly classic season.Won 2 out of the 3 majors she played in, and another 8 tournaments. Also the first woman to defeat both the Williams sisters in a single tournament(US Open) and the first woman to win more than $ 5*10^(6) in a year. The most impressive stat is her win-loss record:63-4. Ridiculous, innit?

In other sporting news. The the F-1 circuit was abuzz with talk of espionage and betrayal. At the end of it all, McLaren was fined $100*10^(6) and stripped off their constructor's points. I am surprised they weren't banned altogether. Prolly a business decision.

Their crime: caught in bed, pants down, doing the deed to 80 pages of technical stuff from the Ferrari camp.

One of their rookies, Lewis Hamilton set all sorts of F1 rookie records and would have set the mother of all records had he won the championship, but was pipped to the post by the ice man from Ferrari: Kimi Raikonnen.

Impressive Rookie

New World Champ

'Twas an exciting season.

This year has been quite revelatory to me. I started this blog, and since, have met a bunch of other cool people. Talking to people, I 've realized I've led quite the sheltered life. I've never had to do stuff apart from focusing on school and extra curriculars. However, I have worked in fast food places, so know what it's like. Sure, things were never great at home and hence I had to grow up faster, but I've never had to worry about such existential matters as my parents not loving me or the source of my next meal.

It's a scary thought, people not being able to afford rent or food.Hence, I need a lot of my own adult money to fuel my lifestyle.Therefore, after grad school and some work experience, maybe I'll go to business school. In the UK it takes only a year. I like the sounds of Oxford.Who knows?

I am more than a trifle scared when 4 months down the life, I will be one step closer to the adult world. My eyes will be closer to seeing facets and facades that my parents have been sheltering me from.For instance, I've noticed this word/concept, sugar daddy being bandied about with increasing frequency. And, I am not a big fan. Everything about it makes me very uncomfortable, the weaklings who require sugar daddies and those delusional egomaniacs who love playing the part.

I'll encounter such people in my daily dealing once I am out of the shelter of the ivory towers and God-knows how I'll subject them to ridicule.

I am also hugely politically incorrect, and I am very wont to rub people the wrong way. But I am smart about who I rub off the wrong way. I need to tone down my rhetoric, somewhat.But, hey, I am funny and it makes it easier for me to say something withering and get away with it. But of course, I get into trouble as well.

In other news, I am thankfully out of the throes of an unseemly crush. The winter cold helped me snap out of it. The winter is good that way. Cold, clinical and smooth.

In some other news, I received a frightening email from my post-doc. It was very cold and scary. Ouch! But I'll live.

I have to tell my dad about my future plans sooner rather than later,prolly in the next few days, and ergo I might not go home at all these holidays. I am spending Christmas with a bunch of a Jewish friends this year.Should be fun! They're a ridiculously nice bunch.

Final piece of drivel and I'll shut up. I weighed myself and I am only a 150 lbs. If you'd seen how much I've eaten this year, you'd be inclined to gift me the Gay Bible to all things edible. My friend's scale is apparently a bit wonky. That's just rubbish. I am slim and slender and beautiful.

But seriously, I have only 4 months before I head out to a new city, a new school and into the arms of new hottie intellectuals.I have to dress to impress. So maybe I'll hit the gym next term regularly and who knows what magic'll happen?

So how's the year end shaping up for you?

Cheerio!

p.s- I didn't meant to offend anyone by calling them fruity. My synonym for gay is fruity even though it shouldn't be. I know. God help mankind if we ever find a single gene for anything. I'd like to believe we're more complex than the Drosophila melanogaster(the Cinderella of genetics).

So why do you think you turned out fruity or gay or samesexual or whatever?

2007-12-19T05:20:00.001-05:00

I've sometimes wondered why things went bad-sad-gay with me.You know, it's as if you're in a chem lab trying to synthesise a ketone but...Surprise!!! you end up creating an ester and we all know from Org Chem 101 that esters have a fruity smell.

I want to indict my upbringing.It's some sort of reverse Oedipus complex, if you may.It's only a hypothesis.

So my mom and I are very close. I hold her in very high esteem and regard, a sentiment that I extend to all of womankind. As a kid I didn't feel very inclined to watch straight porn because of the light in which it portrayed women.I feel uncomfortable viewing women as sexual objects.I also usually refrain from using expletives like mofo etc.

On the other hand...

I've never been very close to or harbored savory thoughts about my dad and hence those sentiments projected onto most of mankind. Ergo watching meaningless, depraved gay porn didn't and still doesn't unsettle me as much.I don't mind viewing men in a sexual light.

I think I can apportion some portion of the blame to my upbringing.What if I my dad and I were close?What if I had bonded more with him, instead of with my mother. As I am usually wont to do,my solution to finding out is that we do a case controlled study. However the ethics of it all are a bit much for any IRB, let alone any federal funding agency to approve.

This is only a hypothesis. I am very curious if science will be able to unequivocally prove that there is a gay gene. Can you envision some of the havoc that such a finding will create?

Why don't you subscibe to heteronormative standards?

In other news, David Beckham and his underpants have been all over the news, at least in the UK. So he recently modelled for Armani.

I am not a big fan of either of the Beckhams.They're both over the hill.

Not Beckham, but nice.

Here's what the city-I-go-to-school-in looks like at the moment

Yay to winter sports. I am in half a mind to go to Vancouver for the 2010 Olympics. It's a pity people don't take the winter Olympics as seriously as the summer ones. Oh well, such is life.

Cheers,

p.s.-I hooked up last week.Boy-o-boy was it one helluva soporific experience? I am never hooking up again, well not never, but not again in a long time, and especially not after having ingested food.

A lil bit of love

2007-12-15T19:14:00.000-05:00

It surprises me how I seem to be on a blogging roll during exam period.

I have gone thru this period 7 times in the past and I've come to terms with the fact that I am an awful procrastinator. I've a final on Tuesday for which I'll hopefully be done studying by tomorrow, as in start tonight and end tomorrow night or Monday morning. Like 48 hrs.

I've realized I really like writing papers. I've written 6 big ones this term. Being that my classes have been hardcore science ones I am a bit surprised.Paper writing is fun: music on, groove on, typing away.

But anyways, my past two posts have been rather hate filled. I am not much of a hater. All the thoughts represented by the comments have often made many a pirouette in my mind. I'll come around eventually, I know. I am tolerant, really am. It's just that I sometimes wonder, "Why me?" But I guess, God wouldn't have made me this way had he not deemed me strong enough.

Even though my finals end on the 18th, I have a paper due on the 21st, lots of research to do after and 4 long grad school essays to write and submit by Jan 2nd, and a big presentation on the very first day school re-opens. All this means I will just be spending time on campus after exams.I've been home for a total of 7 days this year.No pains no gains.

Over the course of the last month,I've gotten to know a gentleman, and a really fine one at that, quite well. It's all been quite intense on both sides. A lot of communication, of the long distance kind. I can usually say with much certitude that I am good at keeping friends friends. However as mentioned earlier, I've sorta invested more than I thought I would in the correspondence.I am flighty and intense at the same time. It's going nowhere and the correspondence is proving to be quite distracting.I really don't know what to do. It's easy for me to snap the lid shut and move on but....

He is a fine, fine man.I've never been in such a predicament before. How do you remain "just friends"?I know I can't keep up this correspondence without some sort of expectations developing. It's wrong, on my part, and all very complicated.

I know that with everything going on in my life, I need to move on. But, I am unusually stumped on this one. And quite torn.

p.s.- Weeds is a great dark comedy.However, it's also a bit unsettling. Needless to say I've never smoked up. The only non edible things that've gone into my mouth are 3 cigarettes,a cigar and a man's phallus.

A very funnny clip from Weeds. Absolutely politically incorrect but outrageously funny.