The Devil Queen

Congratulations!

2009-11-04T14:37:00.000-08:00

For those of you who may not have heard, one of our own is now Mayor-elect of Dayton, Ohio. Congratulations Gary and good luck!

Changes

2009-10-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

Here are few things I've gotten to do since the Devil Queen sold:

1) Gone to Florida, twice.

2) Gone to New Orleans.

3) Paid off a college loan.

4) Had unexpected bills (car repairs, etc) and paid for them in full without a panic attack, woe, or selling organs on the black market.

People ask me if I miss the Queen, but so far, not so much. It's still too thrilling having a life again for me to feel sentimental. Will this change? Maybe, but probably not soon.

Comments et al.

2009-09-11T00:38:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

Sorry it’s been a while. Still tying up a few loose ends relating to the Queen. Don’t worry, nothing serious. The deal is still final. School and work have been keeping me very busy too. The only reason I have any time is that I’ve been in bed with the flu pretty well all week at this point. So, I imagine I’ll be behind in everything for weeks to come.

I would like to thank all of you for your comments on the previous post. I would also like to say that Housebloggers (and the Devil Queen’s other readers) have consistently been the nicest people that I’ve never met (face to face). You guys have been a great audience and an invaluable resource over the years. So thank you all very much.

As for the comments, I thought I’d address them here:

Whiskeratti, what next? Law school. I apparently have a deep-seated need for things that will fully monopolize all of my free time.

Jayne, thanks. I’ll see what I can do on that count.

Jason and Heather, thank you and good luck!

Holly, thanks! It is a great relief.

Old House Lover, thank you. Sadly there was absolutely no profit involved for us. Just getting out from under it was enough at this point. It was killing us.

Bryan, thanks. And yes, that was an unsettling coincidence. I couldn’t have planned it any better if I’d tried. Fitting, no?

Greg, that it is. Thank you. And good luck to you as well. It looks like you still have a ways to go yet. You haven’t started on the second floor yet, have you?

River Watson, thanks. I’ll have to get back to you on that sorrow v. joy thing. Time, perspective, and all of that. Right now it still stings.

Kate H., so long as blogger is free and the Internet survives, I plan to keep this site up. And you have a good point. I guess we kind of did save her, but you can never account for what the next person is going to do. And we all know that I am an optimist.

Jasonandefer,

I’m sorry that we never got to meet you, but I wish you the best of luck should you decide to build up there. It really is a pretty spot. Thanks!

Regarding the blog, according to our realtor, the buyer found the blog and read it before they bought it. How is that for crazy? No matter what happens, you can’t say we didn’t warn them.

Lenise, even the wicked must pass too, eh?

Janine, what makes you so sure we didn’t try an exorcism? Or two?

If I ever make it to Canada, we’re having a beer. Seriously.

Green Fairy, thanks and good luck with your house.

Anonymous, I totally relate to the irrational hate thing. At some point, you just can’t take any more whether it makes sense or not. And yes, a huge weight has been lifted.

StuccoHouse, thanks. Don’t worry. If I ever buy another house (or building) and it needs work, I’ll definitely blog it. At this point, it seems like the natural thing to do.

Happenings, I’ll have to get back to you on that. This going to sound insane, but we tried so many things over so many years that I can’t quite remember. I will say that I am a big fan of the heat gun because all methods of paint stripping suck ass. It’s a matter of preference really. I want to say that Removal worked fine on latex, but no so much on the others. And it often needed multiple coats. But, let me check on that again. Good luck.

I any case, I’ll be back when I can. I actually have a few more posts in mind since the sale is final. See you around.

The Queen Is Dead, Long Live the Queen

2009-08-07T15:33:00.000-07:00

All the paperwork has been signed. Providing there are no un-dotted i's or un-crossed t's, the deal is done. The Devil Queen has been sold. A sad day of much rejoicing.

More to come.

Update

2009-08-04T11:29:00.000-07:00

I just heard from the title company. The felllow in Nebraska has given us the green light. If the release makes it to them in time, we could close late tomorrow.

Post Script to F.U.B.A.R.

2009-07-31T14:47:00.000-07:00

I have noticed that my blood pressure has gone through the roof as I've written all these posts. I think I'm going to step away from this for a while in the interest of not acting like a totally mean, psychotic, and angry asshole. Life goes on after all irregardless of how this idiotic tragicomedy comes out in the end.

Anyhow, I'll update again when I'm not feeling totally evil.

F.U.B.A.R. or Closing As An Abortion (Part III)

2009-07-31T14:46:00.000-07:00

This inane delay is screwing up a number of things for me. And starting Monday, they are going to start falling like dominos.

I spent most of my financial reserves in the last couple weeks: lawn mowing, hired help, et cetera. All of this wheel greasing was done with the thought that the house would be sold before I had to pay for the next mortgage payment. That payment is due tomorrow and considered late after the 15th.

I have an apartment in Little Rock. It's rent is due tomorrow.

I was thinking about taking off the last half of next week as a last mini-vacation for the year. This is my last chance until December because I start going to law school part-time on the 12th of August. Sometime before the 12th and 20th of August, I have to buy about $800 in text books. Oh, and tuition is due on the… 19th I think.

I think you see where this train wreck is going. And it doesn't get any better unless the Devil Queen sells. So, until that happens, here I am. Waiting.

F.U.B.A.R. or Closing As An Abortion (Part II)

2009-07-31T13:45:00.000-07:00

I'm going to have to go back to the very begin for this to make any sense. Or, at least I hope it makes sense.

Back around 1998-1999 a gentleman in our area bought a huge parcel of farmland. He financed this through a bank since it was large purchase. Then, he subdivided this parcel in to lots and began to develop a subdivision. People paid for the lots, he paid his bank, and the little pieces of land were released from the larger original parcel. Or, that is how it is supposed to work.

Back in 2001 I bought two lots in this subdivision. The gentleman in question owner financed it to us. In 2003 we sold one lot to someone living in California. They bought it as an investment and the lot has sat undeveloped ever since that time.

We took our profit and used it to move the Devil Queen. We didn't have enough money to do it all, so we took out a construction loan with a local bank. The bank paid off what we still owed on the lot and rolled that amount in with the construction loan so it was one big package now. This was also in 2003 or so I believe.

Things went on and then we "finished" the Devil Queen in the summer of 2007. We had the Devil Queen appraised and took out a real mortgage. The construction loan was paid off at this time.

The bank then sold our mortgage to the secondary market.

All of these transactions took place without a hitch. No problems with the title company et cetera.

Now, in 2009 we try to sell this goddamned, godforsaken house and we can't. Or, at least not yet.

Why? To be honest, I am not one hundred percent sure. If I understand it correctly, the VA or whoever is financing our buyer isn't happy with the level of documentation provided. They want a "letter of release" stating the developer released the property to us when we paid him off with the construction loan some 6 odd years ago. Until today, no one has been able to find a copy of this document or documentation proving that we paid. As of 10 AM or so, the title company had located this information. Everything is okay, right? Nope. No fucking way.

See, there is another snag. Sometime in the last year or so, the developer defaulted on his payments to the bank for the original note on the original parcel. So, everything involving the master parcel is being handled by a bankruptcy attorney for the bank in question. So, everything has to go through them for approval. As of 10 AM today, the title company sent off all the documentation they'd requested so that the bank could issue another letter of release or something of the like. I really don't have a full grasp of these details. In any case, the buyer, the realtors, the title company, and I have been waiting since 10AM for a goddamn bankruptcy attorney in Nebraska to respond to an email. At this point, I'd gladly choke the bastard half to death.

Not that you probably care, but if you happened to be a bankruptcy attorney in Nebraska reading this, respond to your fucking email because you're completely screwing up about 10-12 people's lives down in Arkansas. Thank you.

F.U.B.A.R. or Closing As An Abortion (Part I)

2009-07-31T12:58:00.001-07:00

If I could throw something now, I would. After a week of this shit, I'm actually starting to get mad about this whole thing. But let me back up yet again.

I took last Friday off of work and busted my ass for three days getting the house ready. I had to make sure a freaking railing was put on the back porch because the VA are a bunch of nit-picking douche bags. I had to finish moving our copious collecting of little treasures out of the Devil Queen and into storage. I swept, mopped, and dusted. I took down the antique light fixture in the foyer which does not convey and replaced it with something a little less dramatic and dear to our hearts. Jack was kind enough to loan me a truck and his time so the countless truck loads of shit could be laid to rest. Kenny came with a truck, trailer, and two helpers to move our washer & dryer, the refrigerator, and the armoire that Andre the Giant was meant to be buried in.

By the end of it, I was covered in chiggers & seed tics, cuts, bruises, and a smattering of poison ivy. I was exhausted. I ate continuously and somehow lost a couple of pounds. Saturday was a 16 hour day. But, come Sunday evening, it was finished.

We were on schedule to close at 4:30 PM Tuesday, July 28, 2009.

Then, Monday evening the title company calls and says there is a problem. Fucking brilliant. But, I thought I was clever. I was expecting something like this. Some weird, unforeseen delay. I did not panic. Supposedly, all I needed was a letter or something from the gentleman we'd originally bought the lot from back in the days of Moses. Sure. No problem I though.

Well, you know how that goes. Right?

Now, I actually did get that letter, but it turns out that wasn't what I needed after all. Now, Friday, July 31, 2009, I'm still waiting to close. More to come.

The Home Inspection and Another Bleedin' Tease

2009-07-31T07:22:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry about the long silence. I am superstitious though, and I'd hate to jinx myself. The way things have been going, I can't help but think that I'm cursed. But, I'm getting ahead of myself now.

Anyhow, the story. We have an offer on the Devil Queen. There was a lot of the usual back and forth, and finally buyers and I were in agreement. As I mentioned, there was a home inspection. I was dreading this for a variety of reasons. The big one is that house is still technically not finished. I still consider it to be under construction. Therefore, this leaves a lot of issues that still might need to be worked out.

A secondary worry was: what if they actually found something wrong that we didn't know about like a leaking pipe, twenty raccoons living in the crawlspace, or a roof leak? You know, something horrible.

As it was, I think we lucked out. There were three things marked on the report that we needed to "fix."

1) Repair a "broken" electrical conduit under the house.
2) Physically mark the septic tank and drain field.
3) Physically mark the water shut-off.

First, the electrical conduit was not broken. We ran the main power lines from the power pole to the breaker box through a plastic conduit. The conduit was buried from the pole and under the house. It then comes above ground and makes two 90 degree turns before it runs up into the pantry wall to the breaker box. Apparently, when we ran the conduit up to the box, all wiggling and swearing popped the glued joint on the first 90 degree turn. So, all I had to do was clean the conduit and re-glue it. It didn't even take 5 minutes.

The other two items don't really count as repairs or real issues in my opinion. It's more like a request. Anyhow, my friend Jack was kind enough to wade through the deep grass and pound in some stakes so I didn't have to get anymore poison oak on my legs than I already had. I still owe him a case of beer for the service which I will take care of if I ever close on the Devil Queen.

The home inspection hurdle was cleared, but things don't end there. More to come.

Freedom?

2009-07-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

Well, we have an offer on the Devil Queen. Provided that the appraisal comes through and the buyers don't die or move closer to rehab as all our past buyers have, our Babylonian captivity may come to an end. No rejoicing till the dirty deed is done though. If I've learned anything from the Devil Queen, never tempt the Fates.

Home Improvement Onceler

2009-06-08T22:24:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple of months, people have been asking me, "what'll happen to the blog if you sell the Devil Queen?"

This question always makes me think of a scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent asks Jules what he'll do once he quits.

Jules: I'll just walk the earth.
Vincent: What'cha mean walk the earth?
Jules: You know, walk the earth, meet people... get into adventures. Like Caine from "Kung Fu."

I love the idea of this. However, the truth is probably something closer to the Lorax.

Over the last couple of years, I've apparently become a go-to person for information on house moving and cautionary tales of woe. If nothing else, drop a coin in the bucket and see what kind of story gets whispered down the tube to you.

Really though, the posts may not be as frequent, but there is still plenty of material to work with relating to the Devil Queen in particular (a prequel of sorts) and old homes in general.

Housemovers of the World, United in Woe

2009-06-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I happened to meet a couple of old home enthusiast. One of them owned four or five old homes, one of which he'd moved. The house in question was his grandparents' old home. His thoughts on home moving?

"Unless it was a really, really special house, I wouldn't do it again. It's just a major pain."
He actually moved this house quite a bit further than we had moved the Devil Queen. As such, they had to fully dismantle the house, move it, and then reassemble the whole thing. That has to be a special kind of hell.

A Visitor

2009-06-01T06:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, I was in the living room when I heard something rustling under the windows. I looked out an saw the tail of something passing by below. I went to Gideon's room and looked out the front window and saw this.

As far as wildlife goes, I'm general a live and let live kind of guy, but coyotes wandering through our yard during the middle of the afternoon gives me pause. Coyotes usually don't attack people, but when they do, they generally attack children. Since I have a five year old and I know there are packs of coyotes in the area, this worries me. Not that I didn't already have reason enough but this gives me yet another to have the yard bush hogged. Soon.

It's A Train Wreck, It's Piling Up One By One (Part 1)

2009-05-22T21:19:00.000-07:00

This post is in response to a question I received in a recent post's comment section. Here is the question:

"Anonymous said... I've read your posts from beginning to end during the last week...it's kind of like watching a train wreck...You can't look away! But I've never seen an answer to this burning question: Did you always plan to sell the DQ? It seems the answer is YES. But then my question is, why are your color choices so personal?? I don't mean to be rude, but how many gigantic yellow houses do you see in Ark. with purple kitchens and orange bathrooms?? Just wondering..."

So, did we always plan to sell the Devil Queen? It wasn't our primary goal, but we always figured sooner or later we'd sell it and move.

Our decision to use "personal" color choices was influenced by our last home improvement catastrophe. Our first house was bought with the idea that we'd fix it up and sell it almost immediately. As such, we tried to make it as vanilla as possible. Lots of white walls, neutral colored carpets and flooring, and bland color and style choices in general.

As our luck usually runs, bad things happened. We finished the house and put up for sale. We sold it. Almost. The buyer died the week of the closing. So, we continued living there until we bought the Devil Queen and moved into her a couple years later. We rented the house and put it up for sale again. We sold it. Almost. Our buyer married a crack whore and moved to Conway to live closer to a rehab facility shortly there after.

But, I digress. What I'm trying to get at and failing to is that we ended up living in this first house a lot longer than we planned. With my luck, I'll end up retiring in the godforsaken turd of a house. White walls are okay for nine months to a year, but after that, it starts to grate on you. Frankly, we hated the vanilla.

So, when we started working on the Devil Queen, we decided that even though we might sell her one day that we'd do her up the way we wanted to since we could be living there for a quite a long time. Besides, a new paint job is pretty easy compared to installing new plumbing, reframing walls, etc. See the rest of this blog for details. Granted, we grossly underestimated most people's willingness to work on their own home, including a seemingly simple task like painting an interior wall. We also failed to realize until much later that quite a few people seem to suffer from a fatal lack of imagination. Confronted with a purple or red wall, they are total incapable of imagining it as being anything else.

I'll be the first to admit that not all of our experiments in interior painting have gone well, the Pee Wee's Playhouse Laundry Room is case and point. However, most people who actually come and see the house in person love the color schemes. The master bathroom & bedroom, the living room, and the kitchen are favorites. Most people are overwhelmed by the orange and blue bathroom, but I still like it anyhow.

As for the yellow exterior, I'm really not sure how much of a consideration that is. Granted, it's not really finished and the first two painters we hired ass-raped it. I would argue the Joseph's Coat of a roof and the Amazonian jungle that is our yard probably deter more people than the yellow. I would also argue that while yellow might not be a traditional or period appropriate color for a Victorian, it is not entirely unheard of even in Arkansas. An image search of Google Images yielded these two houses.

I've seen more both here in Arkansas and elsewhere in the US. We also reasoned that most people who would be in the market for an old Victorian house would probably be okay with a certain amount of flamboyance.

Anyhow, I somehow still have more to say about this, but that will have to wait until after the long weekend.

Do It For A Dollar?

2009-04-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is for all interested parties. In my personal opinion if you just want an old house find one you don't have to move. If it's the family's homestead or a one of a kind gem, maybe. I wouldn't recommend it though. Click to enlarge the story, it's mostly legible then.

Would You Do It Again For A Dollar?

2009-04-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

By the way, the Devil Queen ought to be appearing in the press soon (provided my interview was used). Old-House Journal is running a story about $1.00 houses and whether they are a good idea or not. I think it will be in the May/June issue. We'll see.

So, what do you think I told them?

Feeding the Whirlwind - Wicked Fugling Freak Bestiary and More

2009-04-21T18:19:00.000-07:00

Hello all. As you may have guessed from the flurry of posts here, there is a lot going on now. As is often the case, much of what we're doing requires money. After years of feeding the Devil Queen pretty much everything we have, our money tree is looking pretty sad. So, since I'm all I have, here it is: if you would like to buy my art, make me an offer.

First of all, I am still selling Home Improvement Monkey Tees shirts ($20.00 each). Tell me what size you'd like and it's yours. If you want a shirt in something besides gray or white, let me know. Blue? Green? Magenta? If I can find it, it's yours. Next week I should be rolling out the 3.0 Home Improvement Monkeys. Evil never looked better.

Second, I'm selling some of what I call "Devil Queen Art." Over the years, any number of illustrations have appeared here. If you want them, you've got them. If you want an ode of doom and destruction emblazoned upon the reverse in blood, you'll have to pay extra. Most of these are in pen & ink and watercolor. Some are more modest. If you need more details, please let me know.

$50.00

SOLD

$50.00

$35.00

$15.00

Third, if you would like to commission a house portrait, I have room in my schedule for some. There would be about six week turn around for oil on canvas measuring between 18" x 24" to 24" x 30." If you are interested, please let me know.

Email me here if you are interested in any thing here. Thanks!

Finances In Pictures

2009-04-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

Here is the short version (in pictures) of why we're dumping the Devil Queen after this torrid romance of ours.

First, our finances before the Devil Queen:

While not exactly a lush jungle of vegetation, there are signs of life in the landscape. In the year leading up to the Devil Queen, I'd started a new, better-paying job, we'd refinanced our starter house, and were on our way to paying off all our debits. We'd invested in some land and started a retirement fund. Things were looking good.

And, here is how our finances are now:

No obvious signs of life. Just despair and the rats who gnaw upon it.

Here is a figure to consider. Admittedly, this is an approximation, but over the years we've spent an average of $3,750 a month on this house. And, we weren't working on it for the entire time we've had it. We burned through over $30,000 just getting it moved and set up on the mountain. I can't remember the exact time scale, but there was a $20,000 week in there somewhere.

Anyhow, a more detailed explanation of our decision soon will follow if you have the stomach for it.

Really though, what the fuck were we thinking?

Pilgrimage

2009-04-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

This summer my Dad’s family may be making a pilgrimage back to our ancestral homeland, Chicago. If this comes to pass, I will be in Chicago sometime in late July or early August. If any of you Housebloggers would be interested in having dinner or a drink, let me know. After years of watching you from afar, I’d love to meet you all.

A Long Time Coming . . .

2009-04-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

Easter came and went without too much fanfare. Cold rain, power outages, all the teenage cousins being herded through an inter-dimensional portal to China by a five year old, and coffee with a parole officer. Really, it was a pretty tame affair.

Anyhow, I finally got around to taking a picture of the new front door. While a full twenty some percent of you think that I will be burning in hell, it really doesn't look as bad as I imagined it. The fact that it opens and closes with ease is a bit seductive too.

And, for the astute few of you out there who are wondering what in the hell is hanging from the doorknob, that would be our real estate agent's lock box.

That is right. If you want an old Victorian possessed and brimming with a full century of evil, this house is for you. Also, we're already done all the hard work. Finish the paint job, refinish a few floors, and mow the lawn and that is it. Enjoy old evil with all the modern amenities.

For those you who are wonder how or why we could put the Devil Queen up for sale, that is another story which I'll tell soon. However, until that time, here is a little bit for you to think about: $4.00 a gallon gasoline.

Nothing Says Home Sweet Home Like . . .

2009-03-24T18:20:00.000-07:00

Nothing says "Home Sweet Home," like your Entergy Arkansas Nuclear One Emergency Manual.
The only perk to moving the Devil Queen 16 miles out of Russellville is that we're outside of emergency zones above. Zone J is closest to us. According to the instructions, we should proceed to Morrilton incase of an accident. That would put us about 30 miles directly down wind from the reactor. Does anyone besides me remember Chernobyl? Do you think huddling 30 miles down wind was really all that safe?

Scarlet use to work with a girl who was a military brat with her family in Germany during Chernobyl. She said they were ordered to stay indoors for weeks because of the radioactive fallout. And they were hundreds of miles away from Chernobyl. And, she still developed thyroid cancer when she was in her early 20's.

My favorite line in this manual is, "radiation is naturally occurring . . . " They omit the fact that it is naturally occurring in small amounts unless you live in a uranium mine. I'd say that there is a pretty big difference between naturally occurring background radiation and nuclear reactor undergoing an emergency "situation."

Hoodoo

2009-03-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

Speaking of crime, a friend of mine inherited some property from an aunt in rural Conway County, Arkansas. Their aunt's old single wide is still on the old homestead. It's certainly nothing fancy. And, the trailer is next door to her cousin who has a well deserved reputation as a crazy bad-ass. This has not stopped people from kicking in the front door twice and stealing some of the appliances.

My friend's solution? They found some magic voodoo signs in a book and drew them on the trailer with red spray paint. They also wrote, "I do Hoodoo, steal from me and eat live things," beside the glyphs. No one has touched the trailer since.

Miniature Disasters - Part II

2009-03-20T06:17:00.000-07:00

It was a long night. Two very nice gentlemen from the Pope County Sheriff's Office came out to the Devil Queen. They toured the house, took photos and dusted for prints. Unfortunately, except for the foot print on the front door, there were no prints of any sort. According to the deputies, wood (in general and painted in particular) and door knobs don't hold finger prints very well. After they'd finished their work and left, I jury rigged the door and cleaned up enough to have some place to sleep. It was 2 AM at that point. The bedroom was still a mess, so I passed out on the couch.

Fortunately, I had Tuesday off since it was Veterans' Day. I spent most of the day cleaning up the wreckage.

While cleaning, I found the following items were missing from the Devil Queen:

1) A compound miter saw
2) An electric drill
3) A Skilsaw
3) Two guns (one a very expensive Dan Wesson revolver)
4) A DVD player
5) My digital camera
6) One pair of sterling silver, Edwardian cufflinks
7) A 14 carat gold tie tack with small rubies and emeralds.
8) Around 200 CDs.

Totaled with the damage to the door and the cost to replace it, we were left with a $4,000 insurance claim. Our insurance company, Traveler Insurance, was very pleasant. I'd never filed any sort of insurance claim in my life, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Like most, I'd heard horror stories. Fortunately, I have none to share. The only thing that sucked about the whole insurance experience was the $1,000 deductible. So, even though we got a new door and decent chunk of money, a lot of what was taken has not been replaced. The man-jewelry was all antique and one-of-a-kind so replacing it isn't really possible.

I spent Wednesday faxing and emailing descriptions of all of our stuff to every pawn shop and antique store I could find in our area. Nothing that was taken has shown up to date.

I heard from my in-laws a month or two ago two guys, one 18 and the other 21 or 22, were arrested for burglary in Pope County. If they were in fact the ones who broke into the Devil Queen, they certainly haven't volunteered any information. I can't help but wonder though.

In any case, the whole experienced sucked. Shocking, I know. Scarlet and I both find it ironic that we've been robbed twice at the Devil Queen. In our years together, we've lived in Washington, D.C., Rockville, Maryland, and a slummy area of Savannah, Georgia. I spent most of my life in Little Rock while it was over run with gangs. We've lived other places too. Everyone was so worried when we moved to the big city, but we never had much of a problem anywhere. We move back Scarlet's ancestrial home, and we get robbed twice in two years. It makes you wonder about all that horse shit about how small communities are safer and more family friendly places.

Miniature Disasters - Part I

2009-03-19T22:31:00.000-07:00

November 10th last year, I came home late. I'd eaten dinner with my sister and brother-in-law and didn't make it home until just after 10 PM. As I walked to the front of the house, I noticed the ladder that I'd left leaning against the porch posts had fallen over. I thought that it was a little odd, but I figured the wind and storms we'd been having must have blown it over. Then, as I rounded the corner, I saw that the front door was standing wide open. For a moment I thought that the wind had blown the door open too, but the splintered wood and broken doorknob proved me wrong. The door had obviously been kicked-in.

At this point, most people ask me what I did, and when I tell them that I went into the house, some of them are mortified. "What if they'd still been there?" To be honest, I didn't consider it much at the time because I was pretty sure that no one was still there.

We live in the middle of nowhere, so any thief with hopes of taking more than they could easily carry and walk with for a few miles would have to bring a car, truck, or four-wheeler at least. The house was dead silent too. The Devil Queen reverbs with sound like an acoustic guitar. Any significant noise is amplified and projected. When I'm out in the garden, I can easily hear Gideon's footsteps as he runs from one end of the house to the other.

It took a while to figure out what happened, or what we think happened. Our guess is that some time during the day, probably between 10 AM to 3 PM, two young men between the ages of 18-22 drove out to the Devil Queen. They probably live in the area (Atkins, Crow Mountain, or even Russellville) and have friends or know people in our neighborhood. They probably drive by on a semi-regular basis. They know everyone's schedules and knew that not only would we be at work, but that most of our neighbors would be too. The front door is hard to see from the road, so they were sheltered from view once they made it to the porch.

The industrious little bastards that they were, they apparently tried to disassemble the lock with a screw driver and some WD-40 that I'd left on the porch with all the junk for installing the storm windows. I'm not sure what they hoped to accomplish with the WD-40. Aside from making the front door slick, it looks like it just made a mess and pissed them off. They broke the doorknob off, and at this point, they just kicked in the door.

Things get strange at this point. Who ever had the WD-40 was either:

a.) Very nervous and forgot they were spraying WD-40 in all the excitement of breaking and entering,
b.) Was hoping to obscure their fingerprints with the WD-40,
c.) Was a vandalizing jerk in addition to being a thief, or
d.) Some combination of all of the above.

Personally, I believe that it was a combination of b.& c. as did the Pope County Sheriff's Deputies.

In any case, the dick with the WD-40 ran from the front door to the chest of drawers in the foyer, from the chest of drawers to the armoire in the hall, and from the armoire to the master bedroom. They went to the dresser, the two night stands, and the small armoire in the corner. All piece of furniture above and the floor in between were coated in WD-40. This included the mirror on the dresser. Not only did they probably spray off the entire can, but they apparently took it with them since we never found it.

Aside from the front door which was ruined, the master bedroom was the worst. A pillow case had been stripped from the bed and used to haul off the loot. The mattress was slide off to one side, our clothes were all over and with WD-40 on them, the contents of my armoire were thrown all over the room, and everything was a mess in general.

Another odd bit about this robbery was Gideon's room. Someone went into his room and threw the closet door open. The closet only had some old clothes and shoes, so they didn't take anything. Then they ran over to Gideon's night stand which is really a small cabinet. It's about 2 1/2 feet tall and has two hinged doors on the front. They are held closed by a simple, light-weight hooked latch. The doors were thrown open without out opening the latch, and the hook portion was torn out of the wood. What they found inside were four of Gideon's favorite Matchbox cars and a story book which he'd placed there himself Sunday. Apparently, they had a moment of conscious and turned around and left. They didn't have the heart to rob a four year old, which as Scarlet said, "almost made it hard to totally hate them." They didn't take his 13 inch TV, his DVD player, or video game. They left the movies and games too.

The rest of the house was hit or miss. They stole power tools from the junk room at the front of the house. They took the DVD player from the built-in in the living room, but left the record player, the speakers, and the receiver. The dining room was untouched as was the kitchen. The pantry at the very back of the house was torn to pieces, but nothing was taken. The were obviously in a hurry.

Anyhow, it made for a long night. I'll try to finish up Part II and post it tomorrow.