The Ren's Nest

new blog

2007-11-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

Hi Reader(s)!

New computer=new blog. I'm going to take this one down when I figure out the best way to archive it on my computer (any suggestions are welcome from you more experienced bloggers). My new blog is called "Brass Tax" and you can find it at www.taxedbrass.blogspot.com

I would imagine most of the subject matter will stay the same. I just felt it was time for a change....

Hope you're well!

Love,

The Ren

Things that have happened since I last upgraded my OS

2007-11-21T07:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry the blog has been so quite as of late, Reader(s). I guess I just haven't had that much to write about. I've had a few ideas driving home late at night on I-95, but by the time I get back, I'm not in the mood to wax poetic (or un-poetic as the case may be) about freelancing, or music, or anything. I'm preparing for another audition in a little over a week, so I'm really only interested in talking or thinking about music. I'm not spending much time with other people, which means that the only person I can bore with my thoughts on Ein Heldenleben is myself. I think it might be better that way.

My Dell is finally starting to kick it, and given that I've had it since 2002, I don't blame it for wanting to go where computers go to die. I've moved eleven times since I got this computer, if you include month-long interim living arrangements with friends and family. Four of those moves were over 1000 miles, and one of those was "international." Since I bought this computer I have finished my undergraduate degree, master's degree, and (dumb) diploma, won three jobs, lost one, lost the ability to play, and got it back again. I don't even want to think about how many people I've dated. And another thing... when I got this computer, 30 MB was HUGE.

2002 was a long time ago.

SO!!! I'm finally buying a new computer on Friday morning-- yes, this Friday. Black Friday. I am going to go to Best Buy at 5 a.m. for the "Doorbusters" sale because J. found a leaked ad that has the greatest deal on a new computer EVER. I really wanted a Mac this time, but its just not in the cards. Especially with a price like this. My plan, though, is to go in, buy the computer, stand in line, and leave. I will not get caught up in the deals. I will not think about doing any shopping for anything else. Under no circumstances will I enter another store. I will simply go into Best Buy, get the thing, and come home and go back to bed (or possibly make myself some coffee and play with my new toy).

But before then, I'm going to brave the traffic getting out of Philly on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and go home to hang with the family. Just a short trip this time, I'll be back in the Illadelph tomorrow evening to fit in some more practicing and anticipation of my new toy. I hope you are all well and that your holiday seasons are off to a Schlock-tacular start. My Christmas Craptacular season starts next week with the Kennett Symphony's Holiday show and doesn't end until New Years.

And if you're lucky, Reader(s), I'll tell you about my hilarious foray into contracting a Christmas Eve gig. This one might take the biscuit....

2007-11-07T19:24:00.000-07:00

I was walking back to my apartment today after meeting a friend for lunch. I heard sirens, not an uncommon occurrence in any city, but especially not in Philadelphia as of late. As I was about to cross Arch Street, I noticed a procession of police cars, and as I looked around some more, noticed that traffic had been stopped and pedestrians were being stopped from crossing the street. It dawned on me then that today was the day of the funeral for a Philadelphia police officer shot in the line of duty one week ago.

I watched at least 200 cop cars pass, and that was probably not even half of them. It was poignant-- the cars were from all over the southeastern Pennsylvania area as well as New Jersey, New York, and Maryland. And it was sad. And it was poignant to watch his colleagues and comrades turn out from miles away to honor his service and his life.

The man who killed this officer was caught in Miami yesterday and will be extradited to Philadelphia on Friday. He confessed to the murder and he's probably facing a life in prison.

But as I watched more and more cars speed past, I began to get angry. Now, to be clear, I agree that it is a tragedy when a police officer (or any law enforcement civil servant) is killed. But I would also like to point out that when you decide to become a cop, getting killed is always a possibility. It is a dangerous job, especially in a city as plagued by violence and gun crime. It is absolutely awful that this officer was killed. But it is no exaggeration when I say that innocent people are dying EVERY SINGLE DAY in this city because of guns. And they aren't cops. They didn't choose lives or careers that involved carrying a gun or confronting violence head on.

I agree that cops and firefighters are heroes, and that this was an appropriate send-off.

I can't help but think that if the City of Philadelphia spent even half as much effort trying to curb city-wide violence as they did prosecuting the individual who killed one of their own, that maybe, just maybe, this city would be a better place to live.

Yes, but does it make you sweat?

2007-10-20T10:28:00.000-06:00

I spent my junior year of high school as an exchange student in Finland. Why do I bring it up? Because the Finns invented the sauna and they won't have you forget it. The sauna is a cultural phenomenon in Finland. Every household has at least one, some have two or three! The Finns believe that the sauna will heal what ails you, and by the end of my time in Finland, I believed it too. There's something about sweating out your demons, throwing water on hot rocks, and trying to get an 8'x10' room to 150 degrees (F) that will heal you. I don't pretend to understand it, but I think it works.

So I decided to try Bikram yoga, where they heat the room to 105 degrees (F) and keep the relative humidity around 40-60%. I've had trouble finding an Ashtanga studio in Philly that lives up to my unreasonably high standards, and had heard a lot about Bikram. A colleague of mine recommended a Bikram studio in Center City with a huge number of classes and a schedule that allowed me enough flexibility to pick when I wanted to go every day. The whole thing sounded crazy to me, but I decided to give it a whirl.

Now, at the risk of giving you too much information, I'm not really a person who sweats a lot. I always say something cheeky like, "I'm a chic. I don't sweat. I glow." But trust me, in Bikram, you SWEAT. I've been to three classes so far, but at each class I thought, "I have never sweat this much in my life." I really didn't think I would like it. And I still don't love it like I love Ashtanga. I had it in my head that it would be extremely difficult. But its no more difficult than Ashtanga, except that you are sweating like there is no tomorrow.

I'm still keeping my eyes and ears out for an Ashtanga studio, but what one particularly wonderful teacher said in last night's class was this: "It doesn't matter how far into the pose you can get. What matters is that you come back tomorrow."

So I'm going to keep going back, at least for as long as I can. One of the best things I get out of yoga right now is patience-- patience to get into each pose and hold it, and patience to let my body heal and restore itself.

Namaste, y'all.

Real music

2007-10-10T08:47:00.000-06:00

This afternoon I'm subbing in on a show that I've been intermittently playing for the last few weeks and then I'm off to West Chester to play with a local orchestra. Not a FANTASTIC group, but they don't suck either. And they're really really nice, which actually counts for a lot in my book. We're playing Rhapsody in Blue (snore) and Copland's Symphony No. 3. Now, I don't care if I never play Rhapsody again, but can I just try to explain to you how excited I am to play real music? Not some crappy Broadway compilation, and not some silly Motown show, but REAL music? There is at least one person I know in the section and I'm looking forward to being down bell from him. Not only a great player, but a funny guy. I'm playing THIRD, which will be new and different. I haven't played third horn in a REALLY long time. For those of you horn players out there thinking "But that's a high part! I thought she was having trouble with her high range?" Well, that's the part that was assigned to me, and frankly, I'm looking forward to it. I know I can handle it, as my chops have been improving steadily. My high C seems to have come back after an extended vacation (I think he said he's been in "Maui," but he might have said "Malawi.") There's a glitch every once in awhile, but I feel exponentially stronger every day.

Anyway, I was trying to explain what its like to play real, symphonic, orchestral music after a summer and early fall of almost exclusively pops shows.

Have you ever gone a really long time without eating at your favorite restaurant? Then one day, you're walking down the street and its lunchtime and you realize you have just enough time to avail yourself of that burrito you've been craving? And then you get excited and start thinking about what you're going to have on that burrito? Its kinda like that.

Or have you ever decided that you are going to stop drinking coffee? And then after about two weeks of headaches you realize that it was a stupid idea anyway? Then you stop by your favorite coffee shop and have a cup of dark roast and the first taste of it is PERFECTION? Its kinda like that.

Have you ever gone a month without seeing your love and then you meet him at the airport and fall into his arms and everything is perfect again? Okay, I don't think Copland 3 is going to be quite THAT good. But it'll be close.

THAT is how I feel today. I really do love playing the horn, especially now that I can do it again. FINALLY.

Aren't you tired of this yet?

2007-10-07T17:16:00.000-06:00

Seriously, isn't everyone sick of Phantom of the Opera yet? For real, people. I do realize that for every one time the audience hears me participate in this particular tome of musical theatre, I have probably played it at least three times, usually more like six. So that's a 1:6 ratio of them hearing it to me playing it. So I can see why I might dislike it MORE than your average pops audience member. But still, why is it that you can't play a Broadway themed pops show without Phantom. Would they riot if it wasn't on the program? Do they know something I don't know?

I've been playing some concerts with this guy. If you bother to read his bio you'll see that he was in Phantom. Of course, Phantom has been running so long its hard to imagine that anyone HASN'T been in it. But I digress. After his rendition of Music of the Night today, the audience went APESHIT. I happened to notice a woman and her husband in the front row of the mezzanine who popped up before the orchestra had even finished the last chord, hooting and hollering. The woman obviously had tears in her eyes and I saw her mouth the words, "Amazing. Just amazing."

Really? For real? Was it THAT good? I mean, okay, he hit all the pitches. He didn't forget the words. He didn't come in a measure early like he did in the Cats medley in the first half. We'll give him a point or two for that. But "amazing?" I don't know. Maybe I'm a jaded, cynical, snob. Or maybe I just have really high standards. Or maybe I'm just out of touch. But I'm really okay with all that, at least this time. I don't like to get all snotty "oh I could do that" or whatever. Sure, there's a part of me that's a Broadway star. But that part of me only comes out when no one is around, or in the car driving down the turnpike late at night. I don't think I could do what they do. But that's partly because having to sing "Phantom" every week would possibly drive me batty.

I only have one run out show left for this particular series, and while it wasn't that bad, I'm happy to not have to hear Peter Nero's jokes for a few days. I'm also happy I don't have to play the never-ending Richard Rogers Medley. While it is certainly one of the better ones I've ever played (I love the transition into "Climb Every Mountain"... genius, I tell you) I found myself humming it last night and couldn't get it out of my head. That gets old QUICKLY.

Its unseasonably warm in Philly, and I'm looking forward to some fall weather. I went apple picking last week and came home with a bushel of apples, which is enough to make about 10 gallons of applesauce. So if any of you are hungry, please, come join me for a bowl!

There's nothing Philly loves more....

2007-09-30T19:59:00.000-06:00

Those who know me know that I really could not care less about sports. I tried to like hockey for cultural reasons when I lived in Finland. It was alright, but it never stuck. I'm sure that AB has recollections of trying to help me understand football during our high school marching band days. I'm sure he'll be the first to agree that I just never really cared enough to learn what "First Down" meant. I've tried to watch the Superbowl a few times, but have found that sports announcers voices tend to lull me into a pleasant sleep. So, as you can imagine, baseball does not interest me at all.

I ran into one of my neighbors while waiting for the subway last night. He introduced me to his girlfriend and said they were going to the game.

"What game?" I said. He looked at me with a slightly horrified expression.

"What game? The Phillies!"

"Oh."

So you see, Reader(s), I just don't care about baseball. There was another game today, in Philadelphia. This time I didn't need to be told. I noticed the people on the train, dressed up in their Phillies best. Turns out today's game was the clincher... The Phils are division champs.

I played a concert today in Verizon Hall in the Kimmel Center. Start time was 3:00. Based on what I have observed about Philadelphia, I would not have been surprised if no one showed up. 3:00 was the start time for the Phillies Game. Based on the fact that the Phillies are the losing-est team in the history of sports (with over 10,000 losses!), I never would have guessed they'd get this far. I'm betting I'm not the only one who thought that.

So, we've established that I don't know or care about baseball. But I do care about Philadelphia. And if there is one thing that Philly loves, its when Philly does good. When the score was announced at intermission, the crowd went WILD. I felt like I was actually IN the stadium, not at a pops concert, of all things. After the show, Peter Nero came out and announced that the Phillies had won-- even I was happy. Upon exiting the hall, it was easy to see that the entire city had gone ape-shit.

Philadelphia has problems. Lots of problems. It is has the highest violent crime rate of any city in America. Its so dirty it makes New York City look pristine. The Mayor is useless and the rest of the politicians are pretty corrupt. But what I love about Philadelphia is that it an honest place, with people who love it for its humble "We're not New York!" attitude.

There is an honesty about this city that I love. And there's nothing I like more than seeing everyone in Philly think that this city is as great as I do.

I've always wanted to do this.

2007-09-28T08:40:00.000-06:00

Its not called freelancing because I work for free.

2007-09-26T09:12:00.000-06:00

Its a fun week to be a freelancer here at the Ren's Nest. After logging about 13,000 frequent flier miles in the past six weeks, its nice to be home for awhile. It seems that my freelance career wasn't hurt by being away for a year, which was something that I had feared. In fact, my work has become more centralized in Philadelphia thanks to somehow finding myself in the good graces of a very prominent contractor in the City of Brotherly Love. While the gigs aren't "high art" by any means, they fit in the "entertainment" category, playing with some good musicians that make for a good time. And, I never have to get in my car! Its all subway commuting for me! (Except for a runout to Trenton on Saturday, but I can handle that!) So while the subway is smellier and dirtier than my car (hard to believe, but true), it means never having to find a parking spot in Old City and rare trips to the pumps.

The first of the gigs this week is as a sub for the Sondheim musical "Assassins." Now, I happen to like musical theatre, but even if I didn't, this is a great show. Its incredibly intelligent and the actors in this company are top notch. I'm also incredibly impressed with the conducting skills of the music director. To play the keyboard parts and still manage to keep track of the actors and the seven members of the pit and remain clear as daylight is, lets say, comfortable, for all involved. Now, perhaps my impression is just colored by the fact that I've been playing OCP all summer with the most incompetent, unclear, and awful "conductor" to ever walk the planet. Nah. That couldn't be it.

The second of gigs this week is the Philly Pops. I've never played with this organization before, but I've heard its a fun one. You might ask if I'm tired of all the @#$%$@#%^ pops music I've been playing in the past months. And the answer would be yes. I am. But mostly what I'm tired of is playing shit. Actually, I am finding lately that I don't really care what it is I'm playing if the quality is good and the players act remotely professional. Would I rather be playing Mahler? Duh. I don't mind being the "entertainment" sometimes. I think the only thing I really truly object to is the patriotic 9/11 memorial shows. They kinda make me wanna barf.

It is hard to get used to being a freelancer again after being "gainfully employed" for a year. Those steady paychecks sure were nice. And so was the health care. But there are a lot of things that I like about freelancing, too. I like being able to turn down work (not that I do a lot of that, but theoretically I could if I wanted to). I like the variety, and I like meeting lots of new people. I like running into people on gigs who I haven't seen in awhile, and I like not really having many morning rehearsals. So this is okay for now. It'll be more okay when I get my next paycheck and I'm not DIRT POOR. But I don't really mind the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Oh, and since a number of you have asked recently, my chops are getting better at a rapid rate. My high range is more and more reliable every day. I don't think I'll be taking any principal horn auditions for awhile yet, but I think I might again at some point.

Fall is my favorite season, especially in Philly. How about you guys?

Where can I get one of these?

2007-09-25T10:35:00.000-06:00

So, I was looking for a rumored video clip of Rossen Milanov's Bulgarian cooking show on YouTube. Alas, no dice yet, but I did find this. I want one!

Thoughts on playing the horn... at all.

2007-09-13T21:32:00.000-06:00

My trip to Madison last weekend was everything I thought it would be, with the added bonus of seeing SM and laughing so hard my sides hurt. I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard and that long. Making new friends is a great feeling, but seeing old ones is just so satisfying. Its great to reunite with people after a few years and pick up where you left off with so little effort.

It was also great to see DH. For all the issues that we may have had at one point, I think they're pretty much resolved now. DH is one of the kindest, most compassionate people in the world, and he just happens to be able to diagnose a problem. For as analytical and heady as he can be (to a fault as many of us know), he has given so much thought to teaching and creating a safe environment for his students over the years that I can't think of a better person to help fix problems.

And they aren't gone. He's a great teacher, but he certainly isn't a miracle drug. But he provided the most succinct and thoughtful advice that anyone has given in awhile. He got into my head, but it was alright. I wanted him there. I needed DH to figure out how I'd gotten to where I am, and to let me know that he had the utmost faith that I'd get through it in tact, and a better horn player BECAUSE of it, not in spite of it. It was also incredibly helpful to talk to someone who knows my playing. Although I've gotten some pretty good (and, arguably, pretty bad) advice from other individuals, playing for DH was different. History is what was keeping me from seeking his help and advice in the first place, but ended up being the thing that helped me the most.

I have a local audition this Saturday and the Portland audition on Tuesday. While I feel pretty prepared for the local one, I feel a little out of my league for Portland, admittedly. I knew when I booked the flight, however, that there was a chance I'd just be showing up to get my deposit check back. I don't feel as prepared as I would like. And I hope to do everything I can in the next few days to remedy that as much as possible, but Rome wasn't built in a day. I have modest hopes for my first foray back onto the audition circuit.

So if you'll excuse me, I have to go think about fourth horn excerpts some more.

Isn't it time to let it go?

2007-09-11T22:35:00.000-06:00

Okay, here's my disclaimer, Reader(s). I think the tragedies that occured on September 11, 2001 were absolutely awful. I have personally never witnessed anything like it in my lifetime, and hope nothing like it ever happens again. I have heard my grandparents talk about the bombing of Pearl Harbor and my parents talking about JFK's assassination. I wasn't born when Three Mile Island almost melted us all, and I wasn't quite old enough to remember the Challenger explosion. So 9/11 is the first moment in the living history of the United States of America that I remember. It's my first "Where were you when...." story.

Today marks the sixth anniversary of the collapse of the World Trade Center and the other tragedies surrounding it. And I just came home from what is becoming an annual event for the Pops Orchestra: The 9/11 Tribute Concert. I'm sure you can imagine what this entails:

The SSB sung by a cappella by a fairly inept and somewhat tone deaf local high school student. Actually, in hindsight it's probably better that she sang it a cappella. That way she could modulate as much as she wanted ( i.e. drift horribly flat) and it didn't matter as much to the untrained ear. I do think she picked a starting pitch that was a little on the high side, as evidenced by the last note in particular. The SSB is not easy to sing, and I'm certainly not the first person to point this out. America should take a lesson from Canada on this one. Canada has a really nice, very singable national anthem. Actually, most countries do.

God Bless the USA This is the 80s song with the lyrics "I'm proud to be an American, Where at least I know I'm free, blah blah" This song makes me want to hurl.

America the Beautiful Nice tune. Nice words. Bad modulations in this particular arrangement, but I'm actually willing to overlook that since I generally think this is a pretty song that's entirely appropriate. Easy to sing WELL too.

What a Wonderful World Now, this one confuses me. Singing that tune on 9/11? Next thing you know, in the words of my friend Luigi, we'll be walking around saying "Happy 9/11!" to each other. I know that the occasion doesn't necessarily call for completely somber music. I think Barber's Adagio got a little too much play in the weeks following the WTC's demise. But really, "What a Wonderful World?" I think that's pushing the envelope a little too far in the wrong direction. The irony in this one was just too much for my little brain. Oh, and it was sung by the tone deaf soprano, the one who sang the SSB. She did attempt to modulate down by about a 1/2 step, but the orchestra wasn't going with her, so she decided it best to go back up again.

You'll Never Walk Alone from the musical "Carousel" sung by the aforementioned tone deaf singer. Not a bad tune. Even if you don't think you know this one, I'm fairly sure you do. Thankfully, she didn't have opportunity to attempt modulation in this one.

Some newish piece written by a local composer who shall remain unnamed. This is not a person that you've ever heard of, but I would hate to trash him and have it come up in a Google Search. Suffice it to say that it was worse than any composition I have ever played at those God-awful composer reading sessions that we used to do in school. I'm not exaggerating. He wrote it as a memorial piece, post 9/11. It really never should have left the house.

Stephen Foster and George Cohan medleys What's a national tragedy without some good, happy medleys that include songs like "Sewanee River" and "Give My Regards to Broadway"?

Marches. Three of 'em.

The Armed Forces Salute I have to say, I don't mind this part. I think its nice to honor the men and women who have served in the military. It also gives the audience a chance to clap, which the Pops audiences seem to thoroughly enjoy. No one seems to know the Coast Guard anthem, though. However, that doesn't seem to stop them from clapping along.

God Bless America I don't know how this got to be the unofficial national anthem post 9/11, but I hate it. Actually, come to think of it, it probably has something to do with the fact that the SSB is unsingable, as I mentioned. But I digress. This song offends me. One of the main points of America, I think, is that you don't HAVE to want God to bless it. You don't have to stand beside her or guide her or whatever. "Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses longing to be free" is pretty self explanatory. It doesn't say "Give us your conservative, Christian, Heterosexual masses who aren't going to question the authority of the government." I'm on my soapbox, I'm now going to step off of it.

So, here's my point: Isn't it time we put this stuff down? Isn't all the hullabaloo getting a bit exhausting? I know that this is still very fresh and very raw for families who suffered losses, and my heart goes out to them. But isn't it time for them to mourn in private? Isn't it time that we put the flags at half mast, observed a national moment of silence, and then left the rest up to each individual? The constant bombardment by the media has certainly lessened as each year goes by, but hasn't everything been said? Perhaps I'm wrong and insensitive, but this seems over the top to me.

So what am I supposed to put on my resume?

2007-09-05T21:32:00.000-06:00

One of the nicer things to happen to me since my return to Philadelphia was the return of one of my freelancing gigs, The Haddonfield Symphony. I ran into this guy at the Kimmel Center and he very graciously offered my job back, which was surprising to me, since I subbed out of this organization more than I actually played. But it worked for the best, since I do a lot of daytime gigs for this group, like brass and woodwind quintet outreach concerts. I'm not complaining, I was just a little surprised.

Yesterday, five of the brass players were asked to play a fanfare for the "Name Change Press Conference." The Haddonfield Symphony has been performing in Camden for the last year, and does outreach all across the state of New Jersey, so Haddonfield was a bit of a misnomer. I figured that the new name would be something along the lines of "Symphony Camden" or "Camden Philharmonic." As non-plussed as I might have been to have America's Most Dangerous City on my resume, it would have been a more accurate representation of the group.

When I picked up DM, our trombone player, he asked if I'd heard what the new name was. "No," I replied, "What?"

"Symphony in C."

Long pause.

"You're kidding, right?" I said.

"Nope."

***

Now, one of the best parts of the ceremony was when the music director, Rossen Milanov, stood up and was talking about what the "C" meant. And he said things like, "C is for Camden. C is for Commitment. C is for Community." And all I could think of was a big blue monster singing, "C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me!" It took every ounce of self control to keep that to myself until we were in the car on the way home. I was not the only one thinking it.

One of the things that this article says is that the name is more modern, and a better reflection of the organization, thinking outside the box and stuff like that. But in 20 years, isn't it going to sound horribly dated? And for that matter, doesn't it sound completely stupid NOW? DM and I both agreed that we're leaving "Haddonfield Symphony" on our resumes. "Symphony in C" is just lame.

Heading back to the Homeland

2007-09-03T08:54:00.000-06:00

When I was home a few days ago, I found myself in a discussion with my mom about teaching-- what makes a good teacher, what made some of my teachers great, etc. And of course, DH came up. And I said something to the effect of "Well he's a little bit of a quack sometimes, but he can fix anybody. I saw him turn some people who hardly knew which end of the horn was which into some pretty decent players. If you need fixing, he's the guy."

It took me a few days for what I had said to really dawn on me. Here I spent three years studying with "the dude" who fixes people's problems. Probably the one guy in the USA with the knowledge, compassion, and guts to really dig into whatever my playing problems are and set me right. He's a phone call away, and why have I been resisting? Probably because of my own pride. My time in Madison ended strangely, and DH and I had somewhat of a falling out. But lets be realistic, that was over two years ago. And if there is one person who I know will be compassionate and devoted to helping me fix my playing problems, its DH.

So I emailed him. I ended the email with, "And I'm thinking of coming to see you." And he wrote back and said, "Come see me. I'm concerned. I make no guarantees, but I will help you." So I booked a flight to Madison this coming weekend (with the EXTREMELY gracious financial assistance of my parents) and I'm going to shell out some major dough to have two lessons.

There's a lot of pride-swallowing in my apartment today. I'm pretty sure that D will say some things that will drive me up the wall. And I know that he'll probably get a little too philosophical for my tastes. And he might talk about birding.

But I also think this will happen:

I will walk into his office and he'll sit down in his rolling chair, adjust his glasses, look at his blue folder of notes from when I studied with him and say, "Well?" I will have done everything in my power to come across as a poised, confident individual, but this is likely the moment when he will look at me and all that poise will go straight out the long skinny window. I'll start crying and tell him the whole damn story. He'll scoot over, grab the box of tissues (because this has likely happened before) and then we'll get down to the nitty gritty of fixing my face.

I also have a feeling that it will be well worth every damn cent.

Savasana

2007-09-01T15:59:00.000-06:00

Savasana is the "corpse pose" and it is almost always (regardless of what type of yoga you practice) at the end of the practice. It is a time to reflect and relax. I've heard it said that some people find this to be the most difficult part of the practice. The point is to just surrender your body and your mind. You don't have to focus on twisting or stretching your muscles, or on focusing your gaze, you just have to BE. I can see why people find this difficult, come to think of it.

I went to a led class today (rather than the self-instructed Mysore style Ashtanga that I have been doing a lot of lately). It was a good class, and just what I needed since I've decided that my practice has been getting a little sloppy and lazy as of late.

I have always found the closing sequence in Ashtanga yoga to be particularly difficult, mostly because by then, I'm really tired. Not only that, but these poses involve a lot of core strength and are usually held for between 10-20 breaths, rather than 5 like the previous asanas (poses). After what I thought was a particularly productive and strenuous closing sequence today, I was grateful to lie down in savasana.

And as soon as I started focusing on "letting go," I realized just how hard I've been working to not "let go" for the last week or so since I got back from Calgary. I started to cry, and admittedly, I wanted to sob. While sobbing might have been just the release I need right now, something told me that I would be supremely embarrassed if I actually did let go that much. So I held it together and cut my savasana short.

But it made me realize just how much I'm holding in lately, and the fact that my high range seems to have disappeared entirely in the last week seems pretty indicative of the fact that I can't separate my horn playing from my emotions. Thoughts?

Buzz Buzz

2007-08-31T15:48:00.000-06:00

My embouchure. It won't buzz. At the top, like about a high G#, it just stops.

Suggestions?

Letters

2007-08-30T21:12:00.000-06:00

Before I die, I have to make sure to burn all of my diaries and letters.

That sounds morbid and a little odd, so let me explain.

Both of my mother's parents have passed away in the past year, and the duty of cleaning and sorting through the various items in the huge 1750's farmhouse that they lived in has fallen to my mom and her siblings, naturally. Now, to be fair, my grandparents had done a pretty good job of cleaning things out as they sensed that their time on this earth was drawing nigh. So while the work was daunting, it was not nearly as bad as it could have been, as I understand it. The attic and basement (usually the worst part of the job) were essentially empty.

But there are still all of the other things that people keep. Like kitchen things. I now know that my tendency to hoard food in the cupboards "just in case" is actually genetic. Like so many women of the Depression era, my grandma could sniff out a deal from a mile away, and even if she didn't really need another jar of salsa, she'd buy it on sale and store it in the pantry. Ever get stuck in line at the grocery store behind an older woman with a million double coupons, haggling over something that really only amounted to two cents? That was my grandma. So you can see why, over the past few years, she had accumulated quite a few jars of salsa and ziploc bags. I think everyone in the family took home at least two jars of salsa and some detergent.

Now, I mentioned that my grandma was a woman of the Great Depression. This means that my grandfather, like most young men in their late teens during the early 1940's, fought in World War II. He fought on the European front, although I don't know many details other than that. However, most of the pictures and memorobilia from the war are among the things that my mom has been sorting through over the last few months.

There's a stunning picture of my grandfather holding a Nazi flag. I don't know why, but that picture really hammered home that my grandpa was actually THERE. There are some great pictures of him with his buddies, all around the same age, and all cocky and handsome in their uniforms. They don't even look real in some ways, but there is no mistaking my grandfather's nose, so I'm sure its really him.

My grandma and grandpa were childhood sweethearts, and grew up down the street from one another. They were married for nearly sixty years. Think about that. It boggles my mind.

There are a number of letters that my great grandparents sent that are positively endearing. They talk about some of the most mundane things-- who stopped by, what the outcome of the National Singles Tennis Tournament was, and whether the Dodgers won or lost. I have only perused a few of them but my favorite part is this closing, written by my great grandfather:

"We pounce on [your letters] when they come or when we arrive home. Also read them half a dozen times to be sure we missed nothing. Your dad, Ernest."

And the letters from my grandmother to my grandfather are some of the sweetest, most beautiful things I've ever read. Not because they are particularly eloquent or flowery, but because they are so honest. She talks about how excited she is to start their lives together, and reminisces about things they did or things that she wants to do. There are a few letters from after they had been married about a year as well as holiday cards and wedding photos. And I feel so lucky to have read these bits of history. It gives me a new appreciation for my grandparents. We should all hope to find love like they found.

But when I think about someday dying and having my family reading my diaries from when I was eleven, or various other types of correspondence, I start to turn red in the face. On that "list of things to do before I die" I must remember to include "burn diaries."

And then....

2007-08-25T21:25:00.000-06:00

Keith created a leadpipe.

And it was good.

Very good.

WTF?

2007-08-23T22:44:00.000-06:00

If I was religious, which I’m not, really, I think that someone might suggest that I’m having a minor crisis of faith. But if you’re not really into God and you start having a crisis about your belief system, is it still a crisis of “faith?” Is it even a crisis if you aren’t in “crisis more?” What is there to have faith in if you’re not really sure that God exists to begin with?

Maybe it’s a crisis of self. That sounds a bit more accurate. Actually, “time of reflection” might be better, since I’m not really even viewing this as a crisis. Enough crap from me, Reader(s), here’s the situation:

I’m not really sure I want to do this anymore. I’m not sure I want to pick up the horn every day and keep struggling to make pretty sounds come out. Frankly, as of late, the sounds haven’t been very encouraging. I’ve got auditions lined up, but that isn’t doing that much to motivate me.

I can’t really come up with something I want to do more, but on the other hand, I can come up with things that would be easier and more lucrative. Maybe that’s some sort of indicator right there? I’ve never really been one for the easy road, though. Here’s a suggestion: if you want easy, don’t play the horn. Play the clarinet.

But I remember how exciting it used to be, playing the horn and making sounds and winning stuff. All that validation…. And lately, there hasn’t been much of that because of the aforementioned lack of pretty sounds. And that’s a little damaging to what might have been left of my ego. I remember my best moments of music making, and it all involves feeling like I had something to share with the world. I don’t feel like I have the technical facility to show anyone anything anymore. And that isn’t a good way to feel when you’re about to start testing the waters of the audition pool again.

I have a new leadpipe that I’ll pick up at the post office tomorrow. Maybe that will give me hope or inspiration or something. Maybe it’ll solve all my problems and I’ll be able to rewind to last October when I could still make pretty sounds… I’d settle for some pretty sounds, though.

I don’t know if this is a crisis. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore, or why. $500 CAD will buy you a leadpipe, but will it buy you a new outlook?

Guess we’ll find out tomorrow morning.

Time flies

2007-08-14T08:43:00.000-06:00

Eek! Its "mid August" already!

I wish I had some great excuse for the quietness of my blog as of late. But I don't. Mostly, there's not that much to report. I could write about my various successes playing the horn, which seem a little trite compared to what I used to do. .. Nothing like a serious playing injury to knock you off your egotrip, though, and make you realize that the only thing that matters is right now. You can hang your hat on your successes, but that's really about it. Sometimes you have to start back at square one (maybe two) and just deal. That which does not kill you will only piss you off more, right?

Work is what it is. My days with this orchestra might be numbered, and I'm really okay with that. I realized recently that playing for money is great, but its not everything. Knowing that I could do something else during the summer and that would be alright is really a pretty empowering position to be in.

I'm looking for some new direction in this blog for the coming months. Suggestions are welcome, if any of you are even reading anymore!

I'm off to Canada tomorrow to visit J. I can hardly wipe the stupid grin off my face today because I'm so excited. I feel a little weird about returning to Calgary so soon after leaving, but I won't know how I really feel about that until I get there. Like I said before, the only thing that matters is right now. No use predicting the future, you're probably wrong.

How y'all doing, anyway?

Pressing questions

2007-08-05T09:51:00.000-06:00

If you start humming the death march every time you head off to work, is that a bad sign?

More on my trials and tribulations later, Reader(s). I'm off to entertain the masses. Sorry the blog has been so quiet. I have lots to write but rarely seem to have the inclination to sit down and do it.

-Ren

P.S. Do any of you watch Lost? I've just started the first season... SO GOOD! (Though not as good as Battlestar Gallactica. I mean, nothing is.)

Food, glorious food.

2007-07-24T09:53:00.000-06:00

I have the week off, not by choice, but because this is the life of a freelance musician. I am blessed to have pretty steady summer work, but with all per-service jobs, sometimes they just don't need a horn, or the person who plays it. So I've decided to spend my stretch off doing things that need to be done. There are still a few boxes that have become permanent fixtures that should really be unpacked. With numerous regional and national auditions coming up, there are excerpts to be (re)learned. There was a Harry Potter book to be finished, but that was finished Sunday night. You get the idea. Its not all unpleasant, but some of it is more fun than other stuff.

So I decided to start it off on the right foot yesterday. The right foot, for me, usually involves food. So I took the wad of cash from my gig the other day and went to my favorite grocery store, Trader Joes.

Reader(s), I am living, breathing proof as to why you should not go grocery shopping when you are hungry. I think I fell into some sort of haze when I got there, remembering how fun it is to grocery shop when J. is in town. It was like he was just one aisle over, maybe, and we could definitely finish an entire bag of grapefruit, a whole bag of pears, and an enormous number of plums before they all went bad. This haze may also account for the somewhat ridiculous amount of other stuff I bought, too. As most of us know, the grocery store isn't really made for single people. Its much easier (and way more fun) to shop for two people.

When I got home, I looked at the vast abundance of food and realized what I had done. I was missing J. so much that I had almost exclusively bought food that he would like. The flaw here is that J. is 2400 miles away, and will not be eating this food with me. But as I peeled a grapefruit (not a fruit I've ever really loved, but one of J's favorites), I started thinking about how powerful food has become to me.

A seemingly unrelated story: A few nights ago, I was in DE and met up with some old friends who I haven't seen in the five years since their wedding just after college. I was happy that the stars had sort of aligned so that I'd be able to meet up with them. So when they suggested we meet at Bennigans, which was a convenient halfway point, I was a little disappointed. There were a number of haunts from my undergraduate days with excellent food and a great beer selection that I was hoping to reacquaint myself with, but for various reasons, I seemed to be outnumbered on this one. So I thought "Well, its not about the food. Its about seeing old friends, right?"

Wrong.

I'm not taking away from how nice it was to see these two, but I have to admit that the experience was diminished for me because the food was awful and the service was just annoying. There were a limited number of things I could order, since I don't eat meat, and none of them looked that good. I don't make a lot of money as a musician, and I do tend to eat out a lot because I'm away from home more than your average person. But when I spend money on food, I like to spend it on something that is delicious. Even if its that $6 burrito from Qdoba or that pizza on the boardwalk, I usually try to make concerted decisions about the food I’m going to spend my money on. After all, “Ya gotta eat!” Lets just say that chain restaurants don't usually get my vote or my money.

Last week I was in NYC meeting another set of old friends from the college years, as mentioned in the previous post. There was a big group of us and it was a great gathering. And it wasn’t ALL about the food, but the delicious Burmese cuisine definitely enhanced the experience. For me, Bennigans detracted from it.

So after my grocery store run the other day, I'm probably overly conscious of how important food has become, whether it is in my house or out of it. Why spend money on what you could have anywhere (TGI-Chili-Apple-Benni-Outback-Fridays) when you could go to an independently owned place with delicious food and real character?

Call me a snob, its just how I feel. Now if you'll excuse me, Reader(s), I have to go eat another grapefruit.

I'm a nerd.

2007-07-20T18:31:00.000-06:00

But you already knew that, particularly if you are a regular reader.

Life is so fun right now. Went to NYC to have a lesson with this lady, which was amazing, and I can pretty safely say that my embouchure actually is going to be fine. It was awesome. Met DS for lunch, then had an EXCELLENT reunion with friends from college. We ate at a fabulous restaurant and went to some bar afterwards. And it was FANTASTIC to see everyone. I had fun for absolutely every moment I was there. And I really don't like the city of New York all that much, so that's saying a lot.

And I've been working a ton, which is great. Now if only those f***ers would pay me... But I don't want to turn into one of those complainers. The check's in the mail. Sure.

AND TONIGHT! TONIGHT IS THE LAST HARRY POTTER BOOK!

I was a little embarrassed to pre-order it a few weeks ago. When they told me that I could pick it up at midnight, I definitely thought "No Way." And now that the opportunity is presenting itself, well... I have to say, I'll be standing in line with everyone else. Then I'm going to come home and start reading, and I'm not going to stop until the book is read. So don't expect to hear from me for awhile. I suppose I'll have to stop reading to go to work tomorrow and Sunday. But in the meanwhile, don't talk to me. And if you know the ending because you read the spoilers or you read faster than I do, don't talk to me.

Anybody wanna hear MY predictions?

Harry's gotta die to save the wizarding race. I think he'll die saving his friends, in some act of love. And if he doesn't, its a cop out. Period. If Harry lives, I'm gonna be pissed.

:-D

Later, Reader(s).

What a long, strange trip it's been...

2007-07-10T23:35:00.000-06:00

Its my birthday tomorrow.

Well, technically, its my birthday today, since its 1:30 in the morning. But I'm going to end this day soon and wake up and then it will really feel like my birthday. Lets not get too hung up on technicalities, though.

So, last year, I can tell you EXACTLY where I was on this night. I was sitting on my balcony with M., discussing my incredible luck at receiving a phone call from a certain Canadian orchestra, offering me a one year position as their associate principal horn. What an incredible birthday present. I was dumbfounded and thrilled and scared and excited. "This is it!" I thought. "This is my big break! Now I will be happy because I have a job."

I can tell you that I am in a much different place now than I was then, even though I'm sitting in the same seat on my balcony in the sweltering July heat. How different? This could get long and philosophical, but I think I have to write it for myself. Consider yourself warned.

Last year I didn't think I deserved a job. "What makes me more qualified than any of these other schmucks on the audition circuit? How can I ever live up to the unreasonably high expectations that I have set for myself?" Now, though, I actually believe that I'm a good horn player, not because that's what other people have told me, but because I know that its true.

I never wanted to admit weakness. "Never let 'em see you sweat," I thought. But I learned how to ask for help and how to admit when I don't have the answers. I know that I'm a good judge of character and I can find the people who can help. Oh, and never take advice just to impress someone. If you don't agree, smile politely and ask around for some other opinions. There's more than one way to skin a cat, apparently, but there's also more than one way to gain increased stability in the high range.

If you think you're getting played, you probably are. If you aren't being valued in a relationship the way you know you deserve to be valued, just get out. I'm a pretty cool person, I think, but I kept dating these guys who didn't want to act like they gave a shit about me. There's no amount of "convincing" I could do to make them see otherwise, and I don't really know why I was trying so hard. But putting my foot down and not accepting mediocrity actually worked out! I have someone better than I ever dreamed possible. I'm in a functional relationship that, despite the distance, is incredibly fulfilling. When I'm with him, I feel like the person I want to be. When we're together (or even just talking on the phone) I feel smart and funny and pretty. For real.

I know that having a full time orchestra job might buy you respect from some people, and there might be a decent benefits package, but it doesn't buy you happiness, and it doesn't buy you the freedom and variety that a life of freelancing gets you.

Warm boots and a good toque will get you through the winter. Keeping your feet warm is imperative to your everyday happiness. Trust me on this one.

I learned how to really take care of myself, physically and mentally, this year. Yoga, acupuncture, physiotherapy, and some counsel from people far smarter than I am went a long way to making me realize that I couldn't keep coming down that hard on myself. I remember when I was so tense I could hardly breathe in January. I don't ever hope to go back to that, but I think I have the tools now to keep it from happening again.

I am so much healthier than I was then. I wouldn't wish the experience I had on anyone, yet, at the same time, I hope that everyone gets the opportunity to learn so many things about themself. I hope the lessons aren't as harsh, but sometimes maybe that's what it takes. After thinking long and hard about it, I would absolutely repeat this year. After all, that which does not kill you....

I feel strong. Really strong.

Finally.

um...

2007-07-09T21:40:00.000-06:00

So, I've had any number of great ideas for blog posts in the last week or two. Unfortunately, by the time I get home and could actually write them, the inclination is generally gone.

So suffice it to say that life is fine, and if the mood to blog actually strikes me while I'm in front of a computer anytime soon, I'll be sure to write more.