Si Dawson

I Love Myself For Hating This

2009-06-07T19:33:00.000+10:00

Sometimes life just sucks.

Well, actually it never sucks, but that's a whole other story.

Sometimes it feels like life just sucks.

Everything seems to be going wrong. We're in a terrible mood. We ate some bad clams & the neighbour just ran over our poodle.

In these situations, despite everything we know (in our brains), it can be super hard to even motivate ourselves to do the simple things that will help. Meditate, EFT, go for a run, you name it.

So, here's a simple trick I learned. Enough to kick you out of a slump & get you calm enough to bring your other tools into play.

Just say "I love myself for hating this."

That's it. You don't even have to believe it, just say it. Keep saying it. You'll feel yourself calm down super quick.

Like so many of these things, the more energy you put into it the better it will work, of course.

If you've got the space, hell, scream it.

Why not? & besides, a good scream now & then can be cathartic. Just don't scare the cat.

Why does it work? Well, firstly it takes your focus (ie your energy) away from "it" - the thing you're hating, angry about, upset by or whatever, & brings it onto yourself.

Secondly, you're giving yourself love, approval, acceptance. Even just saying the words "I love myself" with zero energy behind it is helpful, if you're in a really negative space. If you can say it & mean it, well, so much the better.

What's this all about? Well, self-love, self-approval, self-acceptance are the corner stone of any deep healing.

& what better time to heal than when you're pissed off about something? Maximum emotional connectivity, so maximum effectiveness.

Oh, & feel free to change the words around to suit your situation. "I love myself for being upset", "I love myself for throwing up", "I love myself for dancing badly." It's your life, you make the rules.

One thing I've been learning in spades recently is that life can always be easier, if we just get the hell out of the way & let it be.

Oh, & here's another awesome technique I found that helps too. Super simple, takes about 2 seconds. It's all great stuff!

Just Be You, The Most Awesome You Ever

2009-05-23T16:42:00.001+10:00

Comparing ourselves to others is for noobs!
As people, we're funny. There's this natural tendency to compare ourselves to others.

Typically, we do something like this:

Me: $30
Donald Trump: $eleventy billion
Conclusion: I suck

or maybe

Me: kinda good looking
Angelina Jolie: super hot (if you go for that sort of thing)
Conclusion: I suck

There are a couple of obvious issues here. One might be our choice of attribute to compare. I'm sure this won't come as a surprise, but people are a bit more complex than just hotness + wealth.

So why compare ourselves based on wealth, or hotness? Just coz people are generally deluded into believing they're important? It's as arbitary & ridiculous as lining up the planet according to nose freckliness!

So, maybe if we are going to compare ourselves to others, we should just choose better. Eg

Me: Nice hair
Donald Trump: Nice toupee?
Conclusion: I rock!

Now, this isn't about taking cheap shots at famous people. Far from it.

It's a natural tendency to compare ourselves to others, particularly when we think they're better than us in some way. Know what though? It's pretty much bullshit.

Making these comparisons is a recipe for misery & disaster. But you already knew that.

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

So here's a better suggestion. Just be you.

In fact, here's a even better suggestion than that. Why not be the most amazing you you possibly can be?

Do you reckon when you get up to heaven, God'll say to you "Man, you were the lousiest Jack Black ever!"? Of course not. There's already a Jack Black here & he's doing a perfectly good job of being him, thankyouverymuch.

You're here with one purpose. To be you.

Not to be anyone else. Not even to be like anyone else, unless you really want to be (& I've gotta admit, Jack's maniacal grin does have a certain appeal).

Other people's opinions are none of my business
Hey, & while we're on the subject, what's up with caring what anyone else thinks?

They're here to live their life. You're here to live your life. If they want to think your life is particularly silly? Well, uhh, so what?

After all, they are allowed to have any opinion they like. Doesn't make it true! And, while we're there, you're welcome to have any opinion you like about their life. Doesn't make your opinion true either (although, of course, we all like to think we're right. Heh)

If you've been hanging out on Twitter, you'll know exactly what I mean. You say something, & suddenly people unfollow you. What the?!? Well, you know what? If they don't like what you say, why would you want them following you anyway? If they don't like who you truly are (assuming you're being genuinely yourself, of course) then they're going to make pretty lousy friends.

Ahh, life, it's a funny old thing.

So, to recap. Just be you. What anyone else thinks of you? Well, that's really none of your business, so just let it go. That's their problem, not yours.

But who am I?
Now of course, all this just raises another question. How the hell do you know who you are? The "Why am I here?" question is one of life's biggies.

Well, here's a secret. This is why we have emotions. They're like little signposts.

Basically, anything you do which takes you closer to a place of true joy? That's you. That's you really being you.

I'm not talking about enjoyment - the brief happiness that comes from eating an icecream or a particularly satisfying game of Halo - I'm talking about deep, abiding joy.

Here, watch this video. See the spark on their faces? That's joy. That's a couple of people doing what's nearest & dearest to their hearts.

Know what? You have that inside you too. Maybe you've found it, maybe you haven't yet, but it's there.

There's something, or many things, that are super easy to you. That you just happen to be great at. You probably don't think it's so much, but other people look & go "Wow, how are you so awesome at that?" Well, that's where you should be looking. That's a clue.

If time seems to stand still, or the whole day disappears while you're doing something? That's a clue too.

If something is making you feel crappier? Well, that's a sign you probably shouldn't be doing it so much. We're here to be happy, after all. How do I know? The Dalai Lama told me, & who am I to argue with him!

Finding that joy, that raison d'etre? That's the thing to chase. Or rather, that's the thing to chill out, stop stressing about life & let it find you. Just pay attention, it's there, you'll see it.

Bigger is not better. Think quality not quantity
Oh, & while we're on the subject? This whole fascination the western world seems to have with changing the world? That the only life worth living is one where the whole world knows your name? Well, screw that too.

Life is much, much simpler than that. Sure, some people are gonna be the Mother Therasas, the Bill Gateses, the Michael Jordans (ha ha, name plurals crack me up) of the world, but that's not what it's about.

It's about the people around you. Those are the people that you're really affecting.

If you're filled with joy & doing what you love, even if it's something as simple as tending the garden out the front of your cottage, you're adding so much light to the world. When you're happy, the people around you feel that. They get happier. The world needs more happy people, so start with you.

Forget about the starving children in Africa (unless that's where your joy is). Every day you're slightly happier, slightly more full of joy, doing that which brings you joy, the world is a better place. The people around you will be in a better place because of you. You'll be inspiring them.

That's all that matters. Everything else is just details.

It's ok to have what the world might deem a small life. What matters is just that you lived it fully. That you followed your heart. That, as much as possible, you felt that joy inside you & let it spill out into the world around you. Whether the world that you influence has five billion people in it or only five is entirely irrelevant. Think quality, not quantity.

Just as a rising tide lifts all boats, so you in your joyful place will lift all those around you. Be that tide. Be truly you.

Happiness Is Always A Choice

2009-04-29T11:39:00.001+10:00

So let's rock this up a notch. We've already discussed that we are not our thoughts or emotions. We've checked out not verbalising negative thoughts. What's the next logical thing to do?

Take it back a step, of course.

If we're not our thoughts or emotions, well, who controls them?

We do! We're the damn boss, & it's about time they knew that.

Oooh, easier said than done, of course (or is it?) If you've (as I have) spent a lifetime believing that our thoughts & emotions were us, it can be a tricky mindset to adjust.

"I'm angry"
"I feel cheated"
"I worried about this"

Nope, completely wrong.

"I'm experiencing feelings of anger"
"I'm experiencing feelings of being cheated"
"I'm experiencing thoughts of worry"

Choose to walk? Choose to fly. Pic by missvivienne

Ever seen kids at play? They bang themselves, cry, then two minutes later they're back playing again, as happily as if it never happened.

What's going on here? Ok, short attention span might help. Being in the moment definitely helps, but a very important factor is this:

They haven't been trained that they're "supposed" to hang onto things yet.

They don't know about holding onto grudges, or resentment, or pain.

Remember the first time someone really, deeply, hurt you? Still feel that?

Well, how long are you going to hold onto that pain for? Hell, for all you know, the person that caused it is dead now.

Ok ok, so I'm not saying this to belittle the pain you've experienced in your life. Not at all.

The point is this - we make a choice. We always make a choice.

With every thought, every emotion, we make a choice. Hold onto it, or let it go.

Sometimes we have rules. Eg, it's ok for us to let go of these thoughts or emotions:

After a certain period of time ("Oh, that was years ago")
After the other person has behaved a certain way (eg, apologised)
After the other person has suffered
.. or is dead.

All these rules. Why? They're all bullshit.

They're all rules that we're holding onto that stop us from experiencing happiness now.

How about if you had new rules.

When the physical pain dissipates, I choose to forget about the incident that caused it
It's safe to let go of pain, because I remember the lessons learned
Regardless of how those around me behave, I am the boss of my emotions, & I'll choose how I react (if at all)
I will only continue to entertain thoughts that I enjoy & let the rest go
I will actively choose to think thoughts that make me feel better
If doing something makes me feel better, I'll do it more often.
If doing soomething makes me feel worse, I'll do it less.

Or, best of all, just decide, "I'm the boss of how anything makes me feel."

Because, & here's a huge secret, YOU ARE.

pic by phuongthao202002

Now yes yes, I can hear you bringing up objections. Life isn't always that simple. It's complicated, messy, we never know what's happening next.

Well here's another secret (I'm full of them today). It's not about being perfect. It's just about being better. Just a little better, tiny steps at a time.

Sure, we all have days where we're a bit slow on the uptake. Get into a bad spiral & take a while to twig to what's going on. That's perfectly ok. Totally normal. Utterly usual.

The point is simply that every moment we choose a higher vibration thought or emotion over a lower one. Ie, we choose to let go of things that bug us, is a moment we become happier.

Another great thing about this process is that if we truly let go, then those thoughts & emotions, over time, stop recurring.

We do, genuinely become happier.

How do I know this? Well, this is exactly what I've been doing over the last few weeks.

In some very real & measurable senses, my life is currently the worst it's ever been. Know what? I don't care. Sure, I've had some freakouts. Total wigouts where I've been a mess for a day. Then I pick myself up, let go of the crappy thoughts & emotions. Heal anything obvious.

And then? Yes. Feel better. Feel happy. Truly. Peacefully.

Even in this situation, I can honestly say I have never felt happier in my life. What's more, every day I know I'm slightly happier than the day before, on average.

The mess around me will be sorted, and soon. Life always changes, & external things will improve. And I'll be happy then too. Because I've chosen to be. Just made a decision "I don't care what happens around me, I'm going to do everything I possibly can to be happy."

Life has ups & downs, definitely, but the more of those downs I choose to let go of, the happier I'm becoming... and if I can do it, so can you. One thought, one emotion at a time.

Stop Whining, Start Winning

2009-04-17T16:21:00.001+10:00

How often do you complain?

No, I don't mean half hour long soliloquies at the barista because your coffee is cold, I mean just everyday complaints.

Anytime you verbally express a negative thought, that's a complaint.

Why do we do this? Habit, typically. Sometimes boredom, But deeper than that - oftentimes it's a social thing (f***mylife is an example) - it's socially encouraged to bond over misery stories. To sympathise, express empathy & so on. Sometimes it's a way of adjusting social hierarchies - I'm your superior, but if I express misery that makes us more equal, & thus you more comfortable. If I feel inferior, complaining about you might (in theory) make me feel better about myself by diminishing you somehow. Many entire cultures have whinging as a core attribute (England, I'm looking at you).

With all those people doing it, what's the big deal? I mean, really?

Fundamentally, it damages us.

Talking about something gives it our attention, our energy. Gives it power.

Focus on the moon, not the clutter of trees.

Basically, whining makes you feel shitty.

If you believe in the law of attraction, then the more you talk about something, the more you're going to attract more of that thing. Want a miserable day tomorrow? Spend a bunch of time talking about how miserable today was.

If you think LOA is a bunch of hokum, well think about it this way - why the hell are you wasting you time, energy & attention focussing on something you don't like? How on earth is that making you any happier? Any more productive? Sorting the problem out, or improving your life? It's not.

Sure, undesirable things happen. So what? What really matters is how we react to them. Martin Seligman in Learned Optimism discovered that the key difference between success & failure in life is how we treat setbacks. Fundamentally, we do better, get luckier & have more success the less energy we give to these negative events. Pessimists talk a lot about setbacks. Optimists dismiss them. This is eloquently summed up by Sylvester Stallone who likes to dismiss negative situations with "They probably just ate some bad clams."

As Viktor Frankl said, (paraphrased) the only real freedom we have is the freedom to choose how we react to any event.

The less attention you give negative events (other than the minimum necessary to physically deal with them, of course), the more of your time is focussed on things you actually want. Your goals. Your happiness. Feeling good.

Whinging takes us out of that zone of joy. Out of expressing ourselves in the world. In the process, it adds nothing positive to our lives at all. The more we can reduce it, the better we feel about our lives. About our days. About how things are going for us. Why? Because how we feel about ourselves is the sum total of our thoughts. The more of those thoughts are positive, the better we feel.

If you remember nothing else, remember this:

Your quality of life is directly proportional to how much of the time you feel good.
Yes, that's incredibly obvious. You want to have a better life? Spend more of it feeling better.

Of course, the question is - how do you increase how much you feel good? Well (& a big duh to this one) stop making yourself feel miserable so often. You may not be able to help what happens to you, but you can definitely change how much time you spending talking, thinking or focussing on these bad things around you.

Try it for a week. Anytime you catch yourself whinging, deliberately let that thought go, & think (or better, say!) something positive instead. Or heck, if you can't do that, just shut the hell up - that's a great first step. See how great you start feeling, by comparison. Notice how much better things get in your life - people reacting more positively to you, opportunities arriving, things just somehow going smoother.

We only have so many minutes each day. Make them count. Make them positive ones. It's just a choice.

[If you'd like to read more, my man Dhrumil has a great podcast here about why we complain, & how to help others we see complaining. Also worth checking is AComplaintFreeWorld]

Meditation for HeadBangers

2009-04-04T16:27:00.003+11:00

Meditation typically brings to mind images of sitting in full lotus on a mountain top somewhere, head in the clouds, a slight levitation visible.

Ever meet anyone that's done that?

pic by pureenergy

No, me either.

Fortunately, if you step back & look at meditation as a concept, it's really just aiming to do two things:

Empty your brain of thoughts (you remember those, they're the things that are not-you)
Bring you into a deeper state of relaxation or awareness

This is pretty much the description of flow. Any athlete in peak performance has that. In fact, any peak performer, in any area, is in that state.

No thoughts, no noise, just pure beingness.

If you're anything like me, you've heard great things about meditating. Sat down, tried it, & given up due to distraction. Or, you know, found something more important that urgently needed doing.

So what's the trick?

Well, to start with, yep, it can be hard. Thoughts swirl around us like dust in a tornado. We're assailed from every direction. It can seem damn near impossible.

Here's a trick though. Who said you have to be sitting still to meditate? Try going for a walk, or a run - or just sit & jiggle your leg if you're feeling lazy. That's fine too.

Second, who said you have to be quiet? It's your mind that you're trying to get to shut up.

So, how about this. Get some music you really like. Preferably stuff without words - you don't want to be putting new thoughts into your mind. Preferably reasonably fast - otherwise your brain may (will!) start wandering in the gaps.

For me, I'm a fan of high bpm (beats-per-minute) dub, drum & bass, and other electronica. It has a regular rhythm, which means you can kind of tune it out, but it's fast enough that it drowns out most of what's going on upstairs.

Crank it up loud & start walking, running, or jiggling.

You'll find the music & movement will swamp most of your thoughts. This is a great start. It just makes it easier to see any remaining thoughts that peep out from above the noise.

Now, what to do when you do catch yourself drifting off? Well here's the trick.

Just pay attention. When you see thoughts arising, bring your focus back to the music (or the exercise). Let the thought go. You can always worry about it later, turn it into a haiku or scribble it on a balloon & fling it to the wind.

Each time your brain starts burbling away, get back into the music. You did choose loud music you absolutely adore, right? Well, that'll make it easier.

(be sure to stretch before attempting this super-advanced meditational asana)
pic by juljo

As an added benefit? It'll make you happier. Less crap going on upstairs, listening to music that makes your heart beat that little bit faster, endorphins pouring through your body...

Besides, you can always sit still & just breathe when you reach the top of the hill.

ps. If you're keen to try some other non-standard techniques for stilling the mind, my good friend Dhrumil has an excellent 15min audio on "Falling Still" (or if you prefer, a 20 min video). Then there's always those old saw-horses EFT & releasing, of course - to get rid of specific thought patterns. Or, you know, just try all of it & see what works for you.

Better Communication In One Second

2009-03-31T22:07:00.000+11:00

I'm going to start a little geeky, but be patient, I'll keep it super short & it's totally relevant.

What's interesting about TCP (heard of TCP/IP? Yeah, it's part of that) is how the initial communication, the 'handshaking' bit goes. Very roughly, it's goes like this:

Hello? [SYN]
I can hear you! [SYN-ACK]
Me too! [ACK]

Here's a picture I found to stop you falling asleep. See? They're just starting a wee conversation:

(ok, geek stuff over. Told you it'd be short.)

So what, I hear you say. Well, TCP runs everything. The entire internet, any smart phone, hell they're even talking about using it to talk to satellites out across the solar system. Anything smarter than a toaster these days depends on it to operate properly.

So yeah, it's important.

And so are those "ACK"s. Notice how 2/3 of the initial conversation is just ACKs? Computers like to be ACKnowledged. It makes them feel safe & secure.

Well, here's a secret - so do people.

See, the ACK doesn't really add any useful information to the conversation, and yet, it's critical.

It doesn't answer any questions, doesn't actually 'do' anything, and yet everything falls apart without it.

Same thing with human communication, we're just more resilient, so that falling apart is less obvious.

If you say "Hey!" to a friend, and they don't respond, how are you going to feel? Pretty terrible, I'd bet. At the very least, you'd wonder if they saw you, or maybe if you upset them somehow, or if there was something wrong.

All it takes is a flick of their eyes or a smile to let you know that your communication has been received & all is well in the world.

Of course, face to face communication is pretty obvious like that.

How about other forms, like email (or even twitter)?

How often have you received an email that you weren't ready to answer immediately? Maybe you were busy, it was long, required thought, or you just weren't in the mood. A response as simple as "Thanks for email, crazy day, will respond later tonight" can work wonders. It lets the other person know that their email has been received, that you're just busy, and that they're not being ignored. Plus it buys you a little time.

Twitter (or texting) is even more extreme, of course. But how often have you tweeted someone & got no reply, then wondered "Did I offend them?" "Are they ok?" "What's going on?" Any of these thoughts would be a reasonable response, and all could be removed with a simple "Thanks! :)" or equivalent.

It's not the length of reply that matters, just the emotion behind it. In fact, the shorter the reply the better, generally. Just enough to let the person know you're there, you care, & you're thinking of them.

It may feel like you're over-communicating, but really you're just acknowledging the importance of that other person to you.

How long does this sort of thing take? About as long as flick of the eyes across a crowded room. Maybe a second.

Quality communication is not about length. It's about emotion & clarity. A quick genuine reply followed by a considered response later is far superior to a mammoth missive in a week, with the other person left hanging the entire time.

Also, it's much less stressful for you, as you don't have it hanging over your head with that same sense of urgency. You win, they win. What's not to like?

The Mirror Exercise

2009-03-22T21:01:00.001+11:00

This is an oldie but goodie. It's simplicity belies it's power.

Regardless of how easy it is to lie to someone else, it's much, much harder to lie to ourselves. At least, it's much harder when we're actively paying attention.

Find a mirror & some personal space. Look yourself in the eyes, & say "I love you."

That's it. Just say that. Over & over. Out loud. Try to mean it, feel it.

Now, don't be surprised if you find this difficult. Saying it & really meaning it will often trigger things deep within us. Doubts, fears, negative self-image, and so on.

pic by leenah

Deep down, everyone harbours dark thoughts about themselves.

That's ok. The important thing is just to be sincere. If saying "I love you" is too difficult, start small.

"You have nice hands"
"Your hair doesn't totally suck"
"Umm, nice socks"

It really doesn't matter. In fact, it's better to say something small & seemingly irrelevant with deep conviction than something stronger with no energy behind it.

Some tips:

Compliment yourself sincerely.
Be specific, go into details.
Keep eye contact, don't let your eyes gaze over.
Use your name, like you're talking to another person.
Mix it up - try to think of every positive thing you possibly can about yourself.
Be persistent, don't be afraid to say the same thing over & over if you feel things shifting
If any emotion or tension arises, this is good. Just accept it, & let it go.

The important thing is just to give yourself approval, no matter how small. Larger things will come easier with time.

The other thing that will make a big difference? Do it for a while. More than just a minute or two. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, half an hour or longer if you can manage it.

I know when I first started doing this - I couldn't even look myself in the eye. I'd catch myself looking away, or blinking. It was quite surreal. When I finally managed to hold my own gaze, I felt I couldn't say "I love you" without feeling like a phoney. Another surprise. Then, I just felt waves of emotion cascading out of me. Tears. Relief, then finally joy & peaceful self-acceptance.

Anytime you want to feel good about yourself, this is a sure fire way to do it.

It's surprising, but such a simple little thing as giving ourselves genuine approval is some of the most powerful self-healing we can do.

You Are Not Your Thoughts, Emotions Or Body

2009-03-20T15:19:00.000+11:00

Here's an old, but useful exercise:

Pay attention to your thoughts. What are you thinking right now?

Ok. Good.

Here's another one:

What are you feeling right now? What is your primary emotion?

Ok, excellent. Bear with me.

If you lost your little finger in an accident, would you still be you? Or, put another way, since every cell in your body replaces itself every 7-10 years, or sooner, at any point do you stop being you?

See, it breaks down like this. If you can be aware of your thoughts, then you are not your thoughts. We have thoughts, but we are not our thoughts.
With emotions, it's even more obvious. Unfortunately in English we say things like "I am angry." In French or German things are more instructive. They say "I have anger." We have emotions, but we are not our emotions.
We are obviously not our physical body either. We have a body, but there's something more going on.

If you've read a little bit, I'm sure none of this is a surprise. Eckhart Tolle talks about these realisations as part of his enlightenment experience. Oh, & if you get the chance to see him live, I thoroughly recommend it, he's a superbly entertaining speaker.

Of course, this is the point where I could totally understand you saying "Well, ok, so what?" & fair enough too.

This is one of those understandings that it's easy to have intellectually, but might take years before it's really cemented into your being. Really knowing something in your heart can be funny like that.

If we're not our thoughts, emotions or bodies, then what are we? Well, that's another good question. I don't have any easy answers to that, except to say that we're what's left when thoughts & emotions are taken away. We're the space in which they form.

I'm not generally a huge fan of philosophical posturing. You can sit around & talk nonsense for years, but how does it help unless you actually apply it, or do something, or change something?

So, here's something useful you can do with this information.

If you're not your thoughts, or your emotions, then when you sense these things arising, you can let them go, just as easily as they arose.

If you start thinking something that takes you out of your place of joy (or just generally makes you feel bad), then realise they're just thoughts, spontaneously arising. You don't have to keep thinking them. You don't have to stay focussed on that subject. Just let it go. Drop it, or if that doesn't work, distract yourself with something you enjoy more. Why not? I mean, who's the boss - you, or your thoughts?

Same thing with emotions. Feel a negative emotion, you don't have to keep feeling that. You'll only keep feeling it for as long as you choose to. I realise this is a little inflammatory, we're more or less raised to believe that emotions are these powerful things that we either feel intensely, or completely deny (There's that "I am angry" or "I am not angry" thing again).

Bottom line though, who's the boss of you? Are your emotions the boss of you? Well, no, they're not. You can see this when you see two people experience the same event, and react completely differently. Or by watching how much people vary in terms of calming down after an upsetting event.

Emotions do tend to be a little more overwhelming at times. There are many ways to gain control back though. EFT is a good one - that'll allow you to drop any negative emotional reaction altogether. Meditation, Yoga & exercise are helpful too. Anything that helps you maintain your centre, your sense of self - rather than being swept away with events around you.

Once you realise that thoughts & emotions are not you, just things happening to you, you're taking a huge, positive step towards freedom. The more you let go of them as they occur, the less power they have over you, & the more they start to disappear. The more they disappear, the calmer your life becomes, & the more you become, well, you. That sparkling ball of light, love & energy right at the core of your being. The part of you that people fall in love with. The part of you that your friends (the good ones, not the bitchy ones) adore so much.

Well, that's a pretty tall order, so where to start? Just start by paying a little attention. Notice when thoughts or emotions are running away from you. Give yourself a chance to step back a little, let them go. Even just doing that tiny little thing will start to pay dividends immediately. After all, what do you have to lose? The real You, not the thinking/emoting/farting you?

These Are Not Your Stories

2009-03-18T14:35:00.001+11:00

I was at a shaman workshop last weekend, and the concept of "the stories of our life" came up.

This makes a lot more sense than merely the singular "story of our life."

Our lives are a multitude of layers, thousands of experiences, all layered upon each other, all combining together to make the gloriousness that is us!

So, first thing to do is recognise these stories for what they are. How do we find them? Easy, just switch off your thinking brain, & start writing!

Eg, for me, they'd go something like:

I was born in Australa (that's a story)
We moved around a lot when I was a kid (another story)
I grew up in a lower-middle class family

and so on..

The critical thing here is this - when we think about identity, ourselves, who we are, it's these stories that define us. These are the things that we tell ourselves over & over each day, in the back of our minds.

And that's exactly the problem.

The more we tell ourselves these stories, the more they define us.

You get in a troubled relationship, make the mistake of extrapolating a bit too much, & start telling yourself "I always fall for the wrong guy/gal", and hey presto, you're going to start doing that in your life. These are self fulfilling prophecies.

Imagine having a guy who followed you around all day, whispering in your ear "you suck!" or "you're a failure!". How long do you think before your life really did start sucking? (or, perhaps a better move, you punched him out).

The problem is, this is exactly what our mind is doing to us. It's why shamans deliberately let go of their stories as part of their training. Why buddhists learn to detach themselves from their egos. It's all the same thing.

Now, that's a pretty big goal, so what's a good first step?

Well, how about realising that a whole bunch of these stories aren't even ours?

90% of what happened before I left home? Those aren't my stories.

Anything I didn't directly choose, or was just something I was told? Those aren't my stories.

I didn't choose to move around as a child. I didn't choose where to live, how much money the family had, & so on. These were my parents' decisions. Sure, they affected me at the time, but they're only my stories if I choose to make them so. They only continue to affect me if I choose to make them part of the collection of stories I tell myself.

Even just changing the focus can help enormously. "I'm from a lower-middle class family" to "I had lower-middle class parents" or "My parents were lower-middle class." At each step removed it's less & less self-defining, so the story has less power. If you want to keep it at all.

Ditto with relationships. How many relationships have you been in where this person, that you chose, respected & loved has told you something terrible about yourself? You're a terrible lover, useless in business, embarrassing to be seen with, and so on.

Why are you choosing to continue telling yourself that story? ("I'm embarrassing to be seen with"). It's not your story, it's just their opinion, their story.

We have the choice, we always have the choice not to continue telling ourselves these stories.

Realising that we have these stories is an important first step.
Identifying which ones we can let go of is enormously empowering.
An easy first step is to chuck out all the ones we have that were never ours to begin with.
When we can finally release them all, then we're well on the way to being truly free to live.

Rewrite Your Past

2008-12-19T16:55:00.001+11:00

Memory is notoriously unreliable.

It's a fair bet that most of the memories we have are confused, jumbled, or otherwise incorrect. Certainly not accurate enough to hold up in court - this is, after all, why policemen write down everything at the scene of a crime.

The funny thing is, these are the memories that we torture ourselves with. Regret over things done or not done. Disappointment at other people & ourselves. Perceived failures & missed opportunities.

Even when we're not actively beating ourselves up, those memories are still there in the background, providing (unpleasant) flavour.

If our memories are likely to be wrong (to some degree) anyway, why not at least make them pleasantly wrong? Who's to say they have to be an accurate reflection of the past? Surely what happens in your head is 100% your business?

Of course, changing your memory of your phone number isn't the cleverest thing in the world, but there are plenty of other juicy candidates. How about

all those situations where you've been socially confident, the life of the party
the successful presentations you've given
how popular you were at school
all those payraises
the deeply loving & supportive relationships
the peaceful breakups
how effortless it's been for you to meet new people
those moments with your parents where you truly understood how much they loved you
that long history of high figure sales
the times you've stunned those around you with your brilliance & insight

You get the idea! Make your (remembered) life as beautiful, poetic & magical as you like!

pic by alicepopkorn

It's your brain - own it!

So how to do this? Well, it doesn't have to be any more complicated than finding a quiet spot, remembering back to specific life situations you've had, and imagining them going however-you-want. Keep imagining them until the old memory fades away & the new replaces it (this is very well researched phenomena). If you feel like part of you is struggling with this, you can always tap while you do it, but that's totally up to you.

Your life is nothing but the sum of your memories. Why not start a new life, right now?

Just start with whatever pops in your head. Recreate your memories, making them as awesome as you possibly can. As Orwell famously said "Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past." Well you control the present.

As within, so without.

& here's a little anecdote to whet your appetite. I had a particular situation with a certain person a few years back, where perhaps they didn't give me the recognition or appreciation I would have liked. In the few years since then, they've never really mentioned this, let alone made any kind of big deal about it. Just not in their nature.

So hey, I did the above. Imagined them really understanding how much effort I'd put in to help them.. and showing me. I imagined myself feeling deeply appreciated. Loved. Thanked. It was awesome! *laugh*

Didn't take long. The whole thing? Maybe 5 minutes.

The only difference I could outwardly detect was that I felt more loving towards them. That aside, I promptly forgot about it.

Next day, I'm surfing the web, & what do I find? A couple of paragraphs in a very public location, from them, acknowledging & stating exactly what I'd imagined. Giving me that thanks, that appreciation. Exactly how I (now) remember it going.

Coincidence? Maybe. You decide.

The Map'n'Tap - clearing complex issues

2008-12-16T22:05:00.001+11:00

A lot of times trying to heal something can be a bit crazy. Often there are so many things that seem relevant that it's almost impossible to know where to start, let alone where to go from there.

So, what to do, what to do?

What I've found works well is to mind-map the issue out, and then tap your way through the map.

What's a mind map? Well, there's a ton of ways of doing them, but the simplest is just to write whatever-issue-it-is in the middle of the page, then just draw lines out from there to anything else that pops into mind while thinking about the issue.

From there you then think about each of those things, and draw lines outward, just connecting each thought to any others that pop up.

(I have a couple of examples below)

This has a lot of benefits:

Rather than having to come up with everything in one go, you can just spit bits out as they come to you
Once something is written down, you can drop it from your mind rather than having to hold everything in short-term memory
By focussing on each sub-issue in turn, it's much easier to find subtle, smaller related facts that may otherwise have been lost - often I've found a core issue right at the root of things only after tracing through 4 or 5 links
Roughly speaking, the closer in to the centre of the page, the more significant something is.

Number 4 is important, because in terms of tapping (or whatever healing method works for you), you can then start from the outside in. In the examples below, just follow the red arrows. You tap/heal the 'leaves' right on the outside of the map, then slowly work your way into the middle. At each point, you don't have any related issues getting in the way or slowing things up - either because what you're healing is right on the edge, or because all the smaller, related issues have already been healed.

This also really helps with the need to be specific, in order for tapping to work well.

Now with some issues the maps will come out stupidly simple:

And sometimes they're an absolute mess:

(Yeah, these have both been blurred to heck & back. The details aren't really important, just the relative messiness)

It really doesn't matter too much how you do them, if you want to draw instead of write, or anything. It's your head, so your stuff. You're not doing it for anyone else.

The really interesting thing is - once you've cleared one map, you can redo it, and often completely different stuff will come up. By clearing off that outer layer of gunk, you can see/feel your way to deeper things, things that you previously wouldn't have been able to see for all the mess at the higher level.

It's a nifty tool. I've done TONS of these things in the last few weeks - and combined with finger tapping, even the most complex one I'm usually completely cleared in maybe 20 minutes. When I can look at a phrase or bubble & feel like it just doesn't matter any more, then I just move inwards, nice & simple. Eventually I'll be healing the centre item directly, and it generally just collapses & clears with ease.

As an approach it works a treat. It's swiftly become my favourite tool for understanding & clearing complex issues.

Bring In The Clowns

2008-12-02T22:53:00.001+11:00

I'm not usually a huuuuge fan of clowns, but I got an urge to go for a walk this evening, & I stumbled across these..

..dancing to music, often upside down, as part of a giant advent calendar..

..part way up a 10 storey building. I figured, well, in this case they're probably worth cheering on.

While I was out, I took a pic or two of the local river..

..which is hellishly pretty at night.

And it seemed to be a night for clowns, since I passed this (advertising god knows what) on the way back:

Although I like to think it's just saying "Eat more vege's & dance like a loon!"

How To Tap All Day (& Not Look Like A Nutcase)

2008-11-22T11:44:00.001+11:00

EFT is a pretty useful tool. The only downside is that whacking yourself in the face in public tends to make you look a bit crazy.

And we don't want that, right?

Now, you can tap with your mind - focus on each point in turn, and simply imagine the tapping process - & that does work pretty well, but here's another way.

I picked this up from EFT down under - a couple of local blokes with international renown. I thoroughly recommend downloading their free report (it's all of about 4 pages long) - tons of good info in there.

Anyway, not trying to steal their thunder, but this technique is super useful so I just had to spread it a bit further. How simple is it? Well, you just whack your thumb against the edge of each of your fingers in turn - 5 to 10 times on each finger - just between the tip & first knuckle. Keep looping around to your heart's content! Like this:

Fear my giant sky hands! fear! feeeeaarr!

Of course, you have (I hope) two hands, so for even more impact, you can do it on both hands at once.

How does this compare to regular tapping? Well, I've found that if I'm shifting something big or complicated, then regular tapping kicks slightly more ass, but this is super useful, and effective about 80% of the time. A lot of times this has already shifted enough that I only have to tap one of the "regular" points in order to clear the bigger stuff anyway.

The other big advantage - because it's the kind of thing you can just do in the background while you're doing anything else, it is really useful for clearing out a ton of those niggly background thoughts. You know, the kind of noise that just jiggles around, but isn't necessarily big enough to really put your finger on (umm). After a day of doing this - just a few loops now and then when I remembered, without focussing on anything in particular, I felt a ton of background noise disappearing. Funniest thing was, I couldn't even figure out what I'd lost, just that things were clearer, & I felt a lot calmer.

I also find that because I can tap much faster with my fingers, I can cycle through a lot quicker, so I'm shifting things much much faster too.

Since this style of tapping is so unintrusive, it's the kind of thing you can idly do while you're on a bus, walking down the street, writing with the other hand, whatever. Best of all, without anyone really noticing, or getting yourself chucked in the loony bin.

It's super handy. Heh, as it were.

The 4 Most Powerful Phrases In The World

2008-11-10T16:48:00.001+11:00

I read a while back about a therapist in Hawaii who practised something called Ho'oponopono (took me weeks to learn how to spell that reliably).

Annnnyway, the way the story goes, this therapist, Dr Len went to work at an ultra hardcore insane asylum. The staff turnover rate was crazy high, and the patients were so violent that most of them were pretty much shackled up. Not a nice place.

So, Dr Len starts working there, and never sees a single patient. He just sits in his office, all day every day. After a few months, the shackled patients were being allowed to walk around freely. Others were coming off their medication. Staff absenteeism & turnover dropped to zero. After three years, all the patients had left & the place closed down.

Yes, an asylum for violent & criminally insane patients closed down because everyone was healed & there was no-one left to treat!

Needless to say, this pretty much got my attention. What the hell was Dr Len actually doing in his office?

Well, he looked at the patient's files, looked within himself to see how he created that person's illness, and then healed himself. As he healed himself, the patients got better.

No, I didn't mis-type that. He healed himself, and the patients got better. You can read more about Dr Len here.

The next question, of course, is how did he heal himself? Actually, it was very simple. He just looked at what needed healing inside himself, and said four things (the basis of Ho'oponopono), over and over:

I'm Sorry.
Please Forgive Me.
Thank You
I Love You

So imagine my surprise when I was recently reading "The True Power of Water" by Masaru Emoto. You may remember Emoto (what a great name!) - he wraps bottles of water with words, and then photographs the crystals that develop (or don't).

Given that we're 70% water, I figure it's probably worth paying a little attention to what he has to say on the subject.

Now, Emoto has spent decades trying different words, different languages, all to see the effect they have on water. His basic discovery is that negative words (whether written down, sung, or thought at the water) result in ugly looking water, whereas positive words result in beautiful looking water structures.

Which I guess also means that whatever we're bombarding ourselves with is more than just affecting our brains, it's actively changing 70% of our physical bodies.

The really interesting thing though?

Guess what the single most beautiful crystal he ever found was.

The water that was wrapped in words for "Love" & "Gratitude". That's right - I Love You, & Thank You - or two of the magic four phrases from Ho'oponopono.

Half A Ton Of Muscle With A Brain The Size Of A Cat

2008-11-08T17:41:00.001+11:00

It seemed like a nice day for a drive in the country..

A real My Own Private Idaho kind of day.

A friend of mine has stables north of the city here. Here's what a four legged Ferrari looks like:

Yep, that beautiful beast will set you back about the same amount as a brand new Ferrari. It doesn't go quite as fast, but has a hell of a lot more prestige - I guess that's the trade-off you make. It's going to be ridden by one of the top 3 dressage riders in the world at the upcoming 'Equitana' - the largest equine event in the southern hemisphere.

So here's what it looks like from the driving seat:

Excited? You should be! I know I was.

Struggled a bit changing gears & couldn't find the volume control, but other than that it was alllll good.

How does it compare to the four wheeled variety? Ahh, I can't say. Haven't had the chance to drive a regular Ferrari yet - their owners are an oddly possessive lot I've noticed. No probs, there's at least a couple of places near here that rent them out. I'll have a play & get back to you.

Oh, and here's an action shot:

Yes, that's what happens when I give a noob my camera. You'll just have to imagine it's me being awesome. Hey well done! In your mind I'm amaaaaazing! *laugh*

What IS Me?

2008-11-06T19:40:00.001+11:00

For years, I've figured that if I thought about who "I" was, it would look something like this:

Food in, everything else out. Input, Output, all pretty straight forward.

Thing is, there are some obvious flaws in this.

I can observe my thoughts happening, so obviously, I am not my thoughts.

Nothing new or startling to that particularly revelation.

Also though, I can see my emotions happening. Often times, as a direct result of the food I eat for example. The key question is - "how often do I choose which emotions to express, and how often is it more like they're just happening to me?"

So maybe I'm not my emotions either.

Now sure, I can definitely change both my moods & my thoughts by altering my environment - the people I surround myself with, the food I eat, and so on. I can also alter both consciously, but there's a huge difference between 'automatic' or background thoughts & using my mind as a Rational tool. There's also a difference between the vast majority of emotions I have (since I can't speak for anyone else here), which more or less wash over me on a daily basis, and if I very deliberately "choose to be happy now".

Most emotions & thoughts are things that are happening to me, not things I'm necessarily consciously choosing. So maybe 'Me' looks more like this:

Of course, as Tolle points out, any use of the words 'I', 'me', 'myself' etc are generally just our ego trying to assert control. There is, however, an important question here:

Who am I?

A while back, I stumbled across some Yogic talk like this.

Which really got me thinking about what that core, that real essence of 'me'ness actually is.

It's pretty obvious this isn't a novel idea - Hinduism (which has been around for ohhh, 5-8000 years or so) has this concept of Advaita Vedanta - that your atman is part of Brahman. Very roughly, this translates to our soul is part of God/The Universe/whatever. From a quantum physics perspective, us as individuals being part of a universal whole is (more or less) predicted by Bell's Theorem (more readable explanation here - under 'The Physics of Interconnectedness'). For the moment let's ignore the intentionality or not of a universal whole (ie "Is the metaphysical 'God' the same as the quantum physical 'Universe', or even 'All possible universes'"), since it's largely irrelevant to this discussion. Having spent wayyy too long in the Catholic church, I'm also hesitant to use Christian terminology in a discussion like this, since it brings an enormous amount of baggage with it too, but we'll let that slide for the moment too.

All this talk of souls & God, atman & Brahman was merely a catalyst. It got me thinking.

I can change my speech, my actions, what food I eat, my thoughts & emotions. This is more or less what I've been doing extensively for the last few years now. While this has caused me to change enough that it's pulled me away from certain ex-friends and ex-girlfriends, my primary fear was that I would lose myself altogether.

Oddly, almost the complete opposite has happened.

If anything I've become more 'me', but the best of me. Many of the emotions, thoughts & behaviours that I had thought were 'me', simply weren't. I'm just the 'me' that's been there at the core of my life - now more consistently, and with less baggage stacked around the outside. Fortunately, I guess, it seems that the actual 'me' is less of an asshole than I'd always figured I was. Changing the inputs on the above diagram has really helped with that (gigantic-hint-to-19-year-old-Si: minimise caffeine & booze. OMG yes!)

So maybe there's something to this "We're spiritual beings have a physical experience" thing. Maybe we really are just here as 'spirits', 'energy beings', 'souls' (whatever-the-hell terminology works for you), hanging around here on earth in meat-sacks, our bodies, doing what we do. Hanging out, having a beer (or a green juice), getting to know one another & generally palling around.

All the things I thought were me aren't, and the more I clear away, the more truly I seem to find who I really am. And the really good news? All of the negative crap? That was never me. The miserable emotions, thoughts, eating habits, speech & behaviours. All those I can (& mostly have) let go of, and I'm still 'me' without them.

No, it really does seem - from watching myself change - and from seeing those who are further down the path than I, that the more you change, the more you remain the same - except now it's just the best of you.

There really is nothing to fear, & it feels just like coming home.

What The Hell Is Karma?

2008-10-17T16:51:00.000+11:00

I was talking to a friend the other day about karma, and I got to wondering - what the hell IS it, exactly? I mean, everyone thinks they what it is, right?

You do something bad - in this life or past - and it'll come back & bite you on the arse.

Ok, well that's simple.

But hang on, the wikipedia page on karma is almost 4000 words. What the hell?

Ok, so maybe there's more to it.

The basic gist of that enormous page is that the effects of all deeds actively create your past, present & future experiences. Ie, you're entirely responsible for your own life.

There is a subtlety though - and that is, it's not any old deeds, but only deeds that have thought behind them. Only volitional, or consciously chosen deeds, create karma.

So, ok, if I choose to do something, that will create karma, and I'll then have the fruits of that, good or bad, echoing through my life.

Over time - and particularly if you believe in reincarnation - that's got to add up to one HUGE amount of karma, all banging around, recreating the same bad (or good) stuff, over and over.

(pic by consumerfriendly )

Wow. Nutty.

Now, there's a profoundly thoughtful guy called Ram Dass, who has spent most of a lifetime thinking about this stuff (after he finished hanging out with Timothy Leary & doing a ton of acid). He's interviewed in a thoroughly excellent documentary called Ecstatic States, and he has this to say on the subject:

Interviewer: Could you tell us exactly what karma is?

No. *laughs* That take care of that question?

You could say it's.. uhh.. It's a very complex concept of cause-and-effect. What it says is, if you drop a pebble into a clear pond. There'll be all these little waves going out and out and out. And even though you could almost see them stop, with your naked eye, if you looked at it with technical equipment, you'd see that the thing keeps going and going and going.

So what it's saying is that every action starts a sequence of events. And then who we are at any moment is determined by all the events we've started in the past that are reverberating into us now, over time. Over lots of time.

It's like, you know, for example, that your childhood experiences affect your adult personality. That's sort of an example of karma.

It's your karma, meaning it's the previous causal forces that are creating this particular effect. So if you look at your life, and if you have a larger sense of who you are than your physical body. I'm talking about reincarnation, or the whole idea that an individual's soul goes through birth after birth after birth. Each birth is determined by the karmic residue of all the previous births. Then in a birth, you are living out the karma created by the previous births. Now, as you awaken more, most people are not only living out the old karma, but they keep creating new karma all the time, which keeps propelling them into the future, more and more.

To be free means to be free of this kind of karmic law that you're just being a mechanical run-off of. So, the beginning of awakening means that you no longer create new karma, because you see how karma's created (which is another little discussion). And then you're just running off old karma. So a lot of the beings you see are people that have awakened sufficiently so that they don't create any new karma, and then they're in a body, or they continue their work, like the inertia from the past, until it runs out.

Interviewer: How do you not create new karma?

By the awareness no longer being identified with the motivation. It is the desire that creates karma. It doesn't mean you don't have the desires, it means your awareness is not identified with the desires. You still do what you do, but you're not caught in being attached to the doing of it. Which is kind of sneaky, because when you're not attached, it changes what happens.

Clear as mud? Thought so!

(pic by vidular )

What to do, what to do?
There are a couple of issues here:

1. How do we stop old karma from continuing to screw up our lives?
2. How do we, practically, stop creating new karma?

Here's where everything gets a little speculative.

From what I've seen in my own life, I'm pretty sure that by healing (eg, using EFT) anything bad that happens to us (including negative thoughts, emotions, feelings), we short circuit our karmic looping of old problems. This seems a proactive way of doing what Ram Dass describes as "running off old karma".

EFT isn't the only way of doing this, of course. I know people that use falling still, yoga, chanting, eating raw food, meditation, and so on, to achieve the same end (or, hell, all of the above!). As Buddha says, "There are many fingers pointing at the moon, but only one moon."

So, if this helps to speed up getting rid of old karma, how do we also stop creating new karma? (otherwise we're going to be chasing our own tail a bit here)

"Not being identified with the desires" or "not being attached to the doing" is fair enough, but how do you actually do that, without spending 30 years sitting on a mountain top somewhere?

Well, let's look at it a subtly different way. Anytime we react angrily, that's got to increase our karma, right? Similarly then, if we act from any other emotions. The only exception would be coming from a place of pure peace. If we have a still mind, and an open heart, that would have to be a place from which no new karma would be generated. It meets both Ram Dass' & wikipedia's criteria. Action without attachment.

How to reach that place of still mind & open heart? Is it perhaps unsurprising that the healing tools listed above seem to coincidentally result in exactly these outcomes?

Does that mean these tools will take you to a place of nirvana? Reduce all your karma to zero & have you strumming a harp on a cloud? I couldn't possibly say. It's a complicated thing that people have been thinking & arguing about for thousands of years. All I can say is from where I stand now, these seem like good steps to be taking in more or less the right direction.

Less attachment & suffering in this life, fewer karmic echoes in the next.

Wednesday Night Bouldering

2008-10-15T23:50:00.000+11:00

This evening I went to Aikido.

Aikido these days seems to involve (since there is often only two of us students) Sensei throwing one of us until we're so exhausted we can't stand, then throwing the other of us until we're so exhausted they can't stand. Then he goes back to the first person..

So, after an hour of that, I biked around the city in circles for another hour in order to go bouldering (I was following someone who wasn't particularly sure where they were going.)

The odd thing is, even though we were basically still in the central city, down by the river we could have been miles out in the country. It looked like this:

.. except even more picturesque. I would have got pics of the prettier bit, but I was too busy trying to keep up with my climbing buddies, Tom & Yeshe, on their flash new bikes. For some reason it's buy-a-new-bike-week, and nobody told me. Hmph.

Anyway, the bouldering spot was this totally excellent wall under a railway bridge:

Lots of awesome crimps, tricky footwork, a ton of variety, lots of vertical movement required to traverse.. FUN!

The kind of spot where you can move a couple of feet left or right & hit a totally different grade. It was awesome.

Oh, I almost got hit in the head by an egg, thrown by a passing car (apparently it's the kind of thing that happens around here), but my awesome powers of magical egg deflection protected me. Not so lucky the pavement (or the wall, but it didn't hit any of the holds, so hey, who cares, right?)

Anyway, we got an hour or so there before it got too dark to see, then biked back along the river. This was pretty awesome. It's a chunk of the river I've never seen before, including these nifty jetties that are pretty much there just for the cyclists. The first one was confusing (we got lost), but after that we got the hang of them:

Not so complicated really. Looks like it's for boats - but it's not! I rode along about 10 of these in an 8km stretch. Super cute!

On the way we also stumbled across an actual designated bouldering zone. Wtf? Yes, it's true. There were three walls there, ranging from easy (vertical) to medium (slight overhang) to hard (extreeeeme overhang. Ok, it wasn't a roof, but still, it all helps). Plastic holds on wood, but tons to choose from. Here's what climbers look like at night:

Umm, yes, that's more or less normal behaviour. Climbers have a special gene hidden from the rest of the population. Emphasis on 'special'.

Here's what the river looked like right by that second bouldering spot:

And this was wayyyy closer to the city. Crazy, I know. I was a touch concerned about standing on a snake, since I had to venture into long grass to take this shot, & everything was pitch black (this camera is insane in low light), but hey, both my ankles are intact. Australian snake population: 0. Si: 1.

So that was fun. We played there for a while, then I left the other guys & continued along the river. The great thing was, even though chunks of the ride were near a motorway, you could hardly tell, it was just so damn beautiful:

I also passed this:

I have no idea what that means.

I tell you what though. There really are uglier places to be than this:

(click for much nicer, bigger version)

Also nifty was getting to bike past one of my favourite art installations in Melbourne, the weirdo bells (probably not their official name):

All these bells on sticks are controlled by computer, and every hour or so they play whatever piece they're currently programmed with. They're all different pitches, and it's kinda crazy to be surrounded by them all going nuts at once.

Also neat - finding a new walk bridge I didn't know existed:

I arrived home super exhausted, aching, bruised and thoroughly happy.

Brain Controls Body Controls Brain

2008-10-15T17:06:00.000+11:00

I was catching up on some light reading this morning - reading The Economist (the funniest magazine I know), when I came across this article, which points out that physical displays of pride & shame are hardwired at an evolutionary level. Ie, they're not learned behaviours. This was discovered by watching athletes that were blind from birth - and thus had no chance to watch others & learn patterns.

So, when shamed in loss, their posture slumps, they hide their faces & narrow their chests.

In victory, they raise their arms, expand their chests, & tilt their heads back. Like this:

(although I suspect the shirts off & veiny thing is optional)

I found this interesting because one of the subtle things we learn at Aikido is to expand our chests & keep our heads up. I'd always figured this was just a posture thing - if you look down, it pulls tension into the shoulders & you go off balance. Expanding the chest leads to a more opening feeling, expansive rather than contracting energy, and so on.

But perhaps there's more to it than that?

There have been many studies, going back to Riskind (1984) and perhaps earlier that link posture & depression. It's common knowledge that you can cheer yourself the hell up just by adjusting your posture (eg, this,or this)

but just how far can you take this?

So I thought hey - let's give this a shot. I went for a walk in full on victory pose. Chest opened & puffed out (almost), head tilted slightly back - although not so far I fell over. Umm, no, I kept my arms down. Don't need to get arrested for being a complete loony (it's supposed to be a secret - don't tell anyone)

The funny thing is, I was already feeling pretty incredibly good this morning. Confident, happy, on top of the world. The sun was definitely shining on planet Si.

Now, when I walk I have a real tendency to get thoughtful, and thus look down. And yet after a 20 minute walk around town, consciously adjusting my posture anytime I felt it slip back ..I felt.. how could it be.. even more incredible?

I don't know how that's possible, but I highly recommend giving it a go - particularly if you're already feeling a bit beneath the weather to start with.

I'm also beginning to think that part of the reason for doing it in Aikido is a combination of these two quotes from the founder, Morihei Ueshiba:

"A good stance and posture reflect a proper state of mind."

and

"Aikido can be summed up like this: True victory is self-victory"

Ie, perhaps it's internal, not external victory that really matters in the end - and by adjusting your physical posture, you ensure mental & spiritual victory.

This whole brain/mind/body connection really is an incredibly interesting thing.

Three Airports, Two Days

2008-10-05T03:13:00.001+11:00

It's not every day you get a text message telling you your grandfather is dead, and yet there it is, as cold as tonight is long:

Stan Durdin passed away on Thursday. We have just been told by the vicar of Victor Harbor.

I'd been spending my typical Saturday morning, drinking coffee (well, him a short black, me an orange juice) with my Sensei. Enjoying his inimitable charm & wisdom, utterly oblivious to any sense of impending doom.

We'd just been settling up - discussing the relative merits of bottled vs freshly squeezed juice (the juicer at our cafe had broken the previous week) when a beep came through on my rattly old phone. Whoever it was could wait, I only had a few minutes more before we parted ways.

I'm painfully aware of the limited time we have together - him too soon off to Germany, or perhaps Japan, in search of dressage glory for his wife. Me off to who knows where who knows when. Perhaps another year or maybe two. Perhaps only another week. Neither of us really knows, or really can. Life is fickle like that.

Regardless, each Saturday morning I'm reminded of our relative frailties in time & space, and once more, I sit down to treasure our time together.

Eventually, bill settled, goodbyes said - him off to the Hill of Content (a local bookstore) to check for the latest spy thriller, me off to haggle with local retailers, I'm crossing Exhibition Street in downtown Melbourne when I finally check my phone.

I stop in the middle of the street, stunned. I look right - roadworks. No cars. Ok.

Summoning up 17 years of education, a love of language & all the compassion I can muster I reply to my Dad:

Oh shit.

Confident this has comforted him enormously, I'm left to wonder: Now what?

I spin on my heels. Back to the bookshop, find Ralph. He looks up, surprised.

"I just got a text message that my Grandad has died. Can I have a hug?"

Ralph's thirty years older than me. He's seen a lot of the world. Silently he reaches out with both arms, embraces me deeply. I sink into him, mind spinning.

All too soon, it's over, and I'm left to stumble blankly out into the street. Mumbling my thanks I continue mindlessly on my errands. Pick up a camera from the repair shop. Now what?

Surely checking my mail can't be the most useful thing I could be doing now?

But I barely knew him!

Maybe you should call home.

What could I possibly say?

Am I going to burst into tears right now?

How do I feel.

Numb.

That'll be shock.

What am I shocked about? I knew he was sick for ages.

But he was your Grandad.

Oh shit.

I go home.

On a whim I pick up a coffee. I very rarely drink it these days, so it's an odd choice. Maybe it seems right to kick myself in the brain for a bit. Hopefully take some of the shock away.

It doesn't work, just gives me the jitters. Tastes ok, but now I'm mildly stressed and in shock. Mental note: don't trust brain in times of shock.

I get home. Ring Dad. Talk a little. There's ugly backstory. Mum's really upset, she adored her father.

None of this is a surprise. All of this is information I had before I got on the phone.

I'm still struggling to remember anything about Grandad. He took me fishing when I was 10. Or was that Grandma? It was both of them.

Oddly, Dad & I start talking about spirit possession. We're using different terminology - he mentions a 'jezabel spirit', I thinking 'entity', but it's the same stuff.

This is not the Dad I know. We've never talked about anything close to this before.

I guess grief does weird things to people.

I remember 11 years ago. My littlest brother was in a bad accident. A really bad accident. The kind of accident that has 4 police cars, 2 ambulances, a firetruck & a helicopter land on your front lawn.

I wish I was making this up.

I got a call from the now very much loved husband of my sister - then the dubiously regarded boyfriend. He'd been calling everyone he could think of while Mum flew with my brother in the helicopter to the hospital. Any doubts anyone might have had about him disappeared like a snowflake in a flash fire that day. Somehow he kept his head about him while everything else exploded, including the family.

I remember running out of my house in the city carrying a magazine, a woollen jersey & a meat pie. All I could think was that hospitals were cold, boring & had bad food. An odd time that a meat pie would be considered "good food", but still. I jumped on a bus to the hospital. The brother I barely knew being heli-lifted to the intensive care burns unit & that's not important enough to warrant a taxi? Mental note: don't trust brain in times of shock.

In some odd twist of fate I managed to beat the helicopter there. I guess life is fickle like that. I ran around the hospital in terror trying to find my Mum. Trying to find my brother. I knew I couldn't do anything, but thought maybe, somehow, me being there might help Mum. I didn't know. I just knew being there was important.

Eventually I found them. I'd managed to get there even before they sedated him. "It was an accident" he said, "I don't blame anyone."

Six years old. Third degree burns to 60% of his body, and that's what he has to say. Some kid.

That's all he says. They sedate him, poke six tubes into him, and post three nurses on 24 hour guard. For a week. Two weeks. Nobody will say whether they think he'll live or die. We can't even get percentages. They flat out refuse to say. He's in a coma the entire time.

I see more of my brother in that time than I have his entire life until then.

I guess that's what happens when you leave home before they're born.

Weird way to get to know someone. We're still not terribly close. I don't blame anyone. I guess that's what happens.

He spends three months in intensive care. Mum spends the entire time with him in the hospital. Eventually, a lifetime later, he's released. There's followup treatment, of course, and the scars will never go away, but he's alive, and, strangely, incredibly healthy. More than healthy. He's one of the most well rounded, well adjusted kids I've ever met.

I can't figure it out.

Mum has a theory. She says there were so many people praying for him. Friends. Friends of friends. People we never even knew. All of them praying for that little kid - that huge outpouring of positive energy towards him just healed him of any crap he might have had.

When you meet him it's hard to argue with that theory.

I still can't remember anything about Grandad.

No, I remember the last time I met him. It was briefly, so briefly. I was just flying through town & he was at my parent's house. Purely by accident. It was awkward. Beyond awkward. I could feel him trying to reach out for me. I was in some pointlessly childish self-important phase, running about doing God knows what. God cares what.

He looked so much older than I remembered. He must have been 75 by then. He just looked so worn out by life. Trying desperately to connect with someone he barely knew. I pitied him. Pitied the life he'd had, the pain he'd been through, how old he'd become. I brushed him off. My own flesh & blood, & I brushed him off. Children can be so callous. Even into their late 20's.

I ask Dad a question: "Dad, I can I ask you a question?"

"Sure"

I ask him another: "Do you think it's worthwhile me coming over?"

He thinks. "I have absolutely no idea"

Well, that backfired. I'm in shock. I'm not trusting my brain.

I make a random decision. If I can find a flight for under eight hundred bucks, I'll go.

I don't know why, I just think that maybe, somehow, being there might help Mum. She adored Stan. I adore her.

I hang up, promising to call back. Get to the travel agents across the road, negotiate a flight. There are two options. Stupidly expensive direct flights, or half the price with a stopover. It involves spending the night in Christchurch airport. I choose the cheaper of the two, despite the horrible stop-over. Christchurch is notoriously cold & who wants to spend a night on an airport floor? It's $794.

I guess I'm going.

It's the typical thing with bereavements. You get the news. Life stops. For everyone, not just those who've left.

There's nothing else to do but be there.

What else can you do?

Just be there for the living.

Almost 20 years ago, my favourite grandmother passed away. Nan Nan I used to call her. I've always called her. Always will.

Now her I can remember. I could talk about her, my Dad's Mum, for weeks.

I remember how she used to smile at me, so understandingly. I remember what sports she used to play (bowls & golf). That she always wore makeup (helped keep the sun off, she said). That she used to keep mints in her car. The kind of car she had (a little beige two door manual Mitsubishi Colt). How she used to make the most delicious juice imaginable by buying two different kinds of premade juice & mixing them together. How she never swore. Her backbone, her towering strength & her love. Her ferocious love.

I remember spending time with her, listening to the cicadas outside & feeling that all was right in the world. Even though I only got to fly from New Zealand to Australia and see her a couple of times, I loved every second with her.

I remember hearing about how she slipped over when putting groceries in her car one day. How she broke her hip. How she went from being out & about every day of the week - chairing this, organising that, racing all over town - to bed ridden.

I guess life is fickle like that.

I remember knowing she was sick. In hospital. Unable to get out. No doubt frustrated beyond belief.

I was at university, a country & a giant ocean away. I'd just started. Trying to find my way in the world.

I remember being frustrated myself. Wanting to write to her, but not knowing what I could possibly say that would help.

"I'm sorry you're sick"?

I said that last time. I don't want to repeat myself.

I didn't want to just talk about what I was up to. That sounded.. useless. Selfish. No help to anyone. And besides, what would I say? "Today I had lectures." Ugh. Terrible.

Month after month went by. The guilt built up. As did the unwritten letters.

In my mind, somehow all this would resolve itself. She'd get better. She was strong, she was amazing. I remembered.

And then one day I got the call. That call. The one you always dread.

Well, almost.

She'd stopped taking food.

By that point she'd deteriorated so far they were feeding her with a spoon. She had no body movement, could barely see.

Letters were being read to her. What letters she received.

Eventually, she'd made up her mind. Whenever they tried to feed her, she gritted her teeth. Determined, proud to the end. She'd had enough. It was the only part of her body left that she had any control over, the only power she had left, and by God, she was going to exercise it.

I phoned the hospital. I didn't know what to say, but it seemed important that I call.

"I love you Nan Nan."

How late we realise I could have sent her letters saying nothing more than that, and that would have been enough. That would have been what she'd wanted to hear. All I needed to do.

"I'm getting on a plane to see you. So is Dad. We'll be there tomorrow."

So we did. The money sorted itself out - it always does in these situations.

Tomorrow we arrived.

She'd died in the night.

Proud to the end, she hadn't wanted us to see her like that.

She wanted us to remember her for what she was, not what she'd been reduced to.

She looked beautiful, as always, just how I remembered her, in the funeral parlour. I had a few minutes alone with her. I said some words, I don't remember what. The thought occurred to kiss her goodbye, but I didn't.

There was a veil over the coffin, & I worried. What if I'm not allowed to? What if I get in trouble?

I want to express a simple act of farewell to someone I loved with all my heart, & I'm worried about getting in trouble? I guess grief does weird things to people.

I never did kiss her goodbye.

The funeral progressed, as these things do. Words were said. Things eaten & drunk, & everyone dispersed once more to the corners of the globe.

I remember my Grandad was a whizz at crosswords. He tried to get me into them, but it never really stuck. I love words though, love wordplay, & language.

Maybe that came from him.

I remember him telling me once about how he'd been in the second world war. About being in the blitz in London, with the air raid shelters & all. About how Frank Sinatra had managed to escape conscription because off his mob connections.

I think he resented Frank a little, but it made for a great story.

At 10 I barely knew who Frank Sinatra was, but that didn't matter. I would eventually. I do now.

I got back from the travel agents. A friend offered to give me a lift to the airport. Keep me company.

I put my collection of everything ol' blue eyes ever sung on the stereo & started to try and get organised.

I wasn't flying to New Zealand for the funeral. My Grandad was in Adelaide, Australia.

I was flying over for Mum.

I checked the weather. A bit colder. Ten degrees. Think. THINK!

I end up stuffing way too many shirts in a bag. Not much else.

My friend arrives.

We sit on the couch. I drink some water. Try & fail to remember something, anything about my Grandad.

How can someone who's a part of my life be so unknown to me?

How is someone who cared about me able to be so distant? How can that happen?

I give up.

I don't think I feel any grief, although I feel something. I can't identify it.

Maybe it is grief.

I haven't had many people near me die. Not yet. Everyone does eventually though. If they live long enough themselves.

I feel numb, but underneath I can feel something else. It doesn't feel like it belongs to me. I wouldn't be surprised if it's Mum's. We're pretty close, in an odd kind of way.

I go back to packing, & eventually I manage to throw out some shirts. Throw in a phone charger. Whatever else is required. Maybe. But really, who cares? It's just important I'm there.

My bag still won't close. Now what?

I used to be good at this. This packing thing.

I still haven't cried, but my brain doesn't seem to be working very well. Maybe it's the coffee. Yeah, that'll be it.

My friend helps. Thank God there's someone here still functional.

I eat about twenty bananas, since they will have gone off by the time I get back. Somehow I still feel empty inside.

We drive to the airport, get stuck behind a slow moving tram. It's past check in time, and we're still driving. For some reason I just don't care.

What is that, that feeling?

I still can't pick it.

I rush into the terminal to find an empty desk. Somehow between buying the ticket four hours ago and now, the plane has been delayed an hour.

Somehow everyone else in the world heard about it except me.

I check in anyway.

We head to a bar. On a whim I order a Guinness. I very rarely drink these days, so it's an odd choice. Maybe it seems right to kick myself in the brain for a bit. Hopefully it will take some of the shock away. It doesn't work. I tell myself it's not for me, it's for Stan. For Grandad.

I can't remember if he drank or not.

I figure in the army he probably did, and that's good enough. Right now, that's good enough.

With every sip, I say to myself, "This is for you, Grandad" & send my thoughts out to him, and huge waves of gunk pour off me.

I'm healing myself as fast as I can, but it doesn't seem to be helping. My friend looks concerned.

Maybe that just isn't how you deal with these things. I don't know. I really don't.

Nobody tells you how to deal with grief.

Yeah yeah, all those steps. Anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance. Maybe I've missed one. I don't know, I really don't.

I don't feel angry, and what is there to deny?

Where does sadness fit into all that? Or crying? Maybe it's in the psychologist footnotes.

I have another sip. Try to remember anything about Grandad. Maybe if I could say something about him, that would help. All I can remember is that he was a super nice guy. Incredibly nice, but that hardly seems enough for 90 plus years of living.

Nice? I always used to hate that word. I've mellowed with age, but mellowed to the point where I'm using it to sum up the life of a relative? Someone who lived almost 3 times longer than I have? There must be something wrong with that. With me maybe. Who knows.

I still can't remember anything meaningful about him.

I remember that my friend is a psychologist, but it doesn't seem to help. As they point out, they can't help me grieve, but they can help me get to the airport. I thank them anyway. It's about all I feel capable of doing.

We talk about God knows what. I'm not really listening.

I've deliberately chosen a seat facing a corner of the bar. I figure maybe having a beer will let me cry. Or whatever it is I'm supposed to do.

It doesn't, and instead I wander, alone, through security & onto the plane. Now what?

Plane goes up. Plane comes down.

Now here I am. It's 4am in the morning. I couldn't sleep. I just don't have enough padding on my bones to sleep on a concrete floor, although many people here seem able to.

Every half an hour a voice comes over the tannoy:

"Your attention please. For your safety & security please do not leave your bags unattended. This is a safety & security conscious airport"

I don't think anyone is really listening, but I find it strangely compelling. How does a buildng become an entity? Why the need to inform us that the airport was conscious of anything? What on earth will they do when buildings have autonomous brains and really are conscious?

I think the flourescent lights, lack of sleep & more stimulants than I've had in forever are messing with my mind.

Right now all I know is that I feel like I've been wedged behind these rubbish bins, trying & failing to sleep forever. The night has stretched on, and the freezing air is burning my legs everytime the doors flick open from outside.

In a couple of hours I might have a shower.

It seems important that I arrive tomorrow freshly shaved. I don't know why. Maybe so I don't scratch Mum when I hug her.

She doesn't know I'm coming. Please don't tell her. She has enough to deal with.

Oddly, finally I'm crying. Have been for the last few hours. There are people walking around, but I don't care. It just doesn't seem important.

There's still one airport to go, but the flight doesn't leave until seven.

I still can't figure out what I should do. Should I just heal myself of this pain? Is it even mine? Isn't grieving supposed to be healthy? Shouldn't I just let it take its course?

I just don't know. I have no experience in these things.

All I know is that I probably shouldn't trust my brain. And that grief does weird things to people. And that I could use a hug.

I remember now, after all this, that Grandad was a similar size to me. Mum says I have his bone structure. He was endlessly patient, an incredibly gentle soul. Maybe these choices I've been making, all this healing I've done, this path I'm on, I'm becoming more like him. I think I might be ok with that. That might be meaningful. Maybe he might be ok with that too.

And getting on this last plane to Wellington. That maybe, somehow, me being there might help Mum. I don't know. I just know being there is important.

'Raw Foodist' Or 'Conscious Eater'?

2008-09-30T11:41:00.000+10:00

For a while now, & even though I use it to describe myself, I've been bothered by the term 'raw foodist'.

This breaks down to three main reasons:

It implies that I only eat raw foods (ie, I'm 100% - & possibly militant about it at that)
It misses the whole point of raw (more on that later) - thus treating it as a diet, rather than a lifestyle
It seems to make my friends worry about whether & what they can feed me

I realised recently that if my friends are wasting their brain cycles thinking about what I'm eating, then something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

pic by LeoFagiano

Umm, so to speak..

Having to keep the details of someone else's diet in your head is a bit tedious, to say the least - particularly since there are so many variants out there, vegetarian, vegan, ovo-lacto-pescatarian, the list goes on. Of course, it's simple to us, I mean "raw fruit, veges, some nuts & seeds", what could be simpler? Except it could also be described as "no meat, no dairy, nothing cooked. Yes bread is cooked, so is vinegar, & most herbs, etc etc etc" And from the point of view of a host, 10 people visiting all with different dietary preferences, some of them militant ("Honey? Do you know how many bees died to make that?!?! AND YOU HAVE LEATHER SHOES!!") it's enough to make you pull your hair out.

pic by sugarpuss4ever

..or, you know, someone else's.

The irony here is that raw foodists (with the odd luminous example) are generally the most chilled people I've ever met with regard to their food. Which brings me to the second point. Most raw foodists have slightly different diets. Some eat more fats. Some are what's called raw primal - ie, they include raw animal products, meats etc. Some eat honey or dairy, some don't. Some are super strict (no herbs, no cooked salad dressings, no chocolate), most aren't. Few are a super pure 100%.

One of the key reasons for this is that eating raw isn't a destination, it's a journey. Even in the short time I've been on it, what has best suited my body has changed drastically. My tastes have changed enormously. Juice fasting particularly altered my body chemistry markedly - kale used to be way too bitter for me, now I can't get enough of it.

Eating raw isn't about eating one specific way. It's about being conscious of what you're eating, and how it's affecting you. The common refrain is "Eat whatever you like, just be aware of why, and how it's affecting you". You want to have a coffee? Go right ahead - just watch what it does to you. Feel like pizza? Be my guest. Feel better afterwards or worse? And how? Keep that up long enough, and you'll naturally settle on foods that make you feel great. Voila, you're a raw foodist.

pic by dboo

Also, and here's a little secret about raw food. You want to have one salad a week, eat steak at every other meal & call yourself a raw foodist? Go right ahead. The community will welcome you with open arms. It's about loving and supporting each other, not about who's eating what. People want to help you. Want you to succeed. To find your own path. They realise it can be hard, and can take years to find that ideal balance. I know I've sure as hell struggled. Yesterday I ate an entire loaf of bread. Yes, by myself. Worse yet, I'm still not really sure why. Is there any guilt about that? No, even though it made me throw up, just curiosity. Adding negative emotion to food-that-is-bad-for-me only exacerbates the situation.

That's what raw foodism is really about. Going easy on yourself. Being patient, understanding. Paying attention to what's happening to yourself - being conscious instead of critical. Losing all those negative emotions around food. Instead, surrounding yourself with love, and loving people. It's a lifestyle, not a diet.

Mostly, eating raw is just about eating what makes you feel good. If you pay really close attention, and honestly feel that eating a specific cooked food makes you feel better, then go right ahead and do it. After all, it's your body. Eat what you like, just be conscious. Pay attention. Think about what you're shoving in your cake hole. That's all that really matters.

If you're trying to eat as raw as you can, and a friend serves up something that doesn't match your preferences perfectly (a salad with dressing, fruit with yoghurt, whatever) then go ahead and eat it, if you think you'd enjoy it. Why not? Is the world really a better place for making a huge fuss - particularly if you can see they've made an effort, even if they've screwed it up a bit around the edges?

I'm not suggesting being a push-over - it is important to have strong boundaries (ie, self respect), and if your 'friends' are serving barbecue & getting upset if you bring a salad for yourself, maybe it's time to question how much those friends really have your best interests at heart. But also, if you're spending the whole time whinging about their choices, well, maybe you're it's time to question how much you have their interests at heart. Everyone is on their own journey, and judging theirs is as wrong as them judging yours.

The best term I've found (so far) to describe my choices is a 'conscious eater'. Eat what I like. Take my own time on my own journey. Respect others' choices. Do what I like. Just be conscious.

Of course, 'raw food' as a phrase has its own uses - it's a good way for people on a similar journey to identify each other (hello twitter friends!). In terms of self-labelling, it will still have uses, but in terms of how I think of myself, conscious eating is definitely how I'm living.

The amusing part of all this, of course, is that as I said, it's a journey. Right now, I feel I'm a conscious eater. But in time, who knows? Can someone who's further down this path shed any light where I might be headed? As always, I'm super curious.

A Trip To 'The Nongs'

2008-09-28T13:25:00.001+10:00

Being a busy Thursday, I decided what better to do than bugger off out of town & head to the local mountain/forest range.

(Some) locals call these "the nongs", but officially they're the Dandenong Ranges. It's about an hours drive east of where I live.

Anyway, they're green, and, you know, mountainy. That's all I care about. Thursday was one of those days where I definitely needed more green.

So what do they look like? Great question. I'm glad you asked, because I have pictures, nothing but pictures, just for you. Really, just you!

Before you enter the ranges, there are important notices to pay attention to. Note the picture. I was relieved my arms & legs would still be attached when I'd left. I was less sure about my head.

There are lots of these. Birds in Australia are very bright, and make particularly unusual sounds. I'm not sure why. Maybe because there are crocodiles ('crocs') here. Not the kind you wear on your feet, although they have those too. The kind that eat your feet. If I had neighbours like that, I'd make weird noises too.

Here's a tree that utterly captivated me. Bizarre thing is, it's actually dead (or perhaps just faking it very well). It still managed to be incredibly majestic. The stunning blue sky backdrop helped. There was a natural clearing right next to this which seemed a great place to hang out for an hour, lying in the sun, listening to birds complaining about our intrusion & watching the trees sway in the gentle breeze.

Here's what walking through the Dandenongs is like. 'nuff said.

A peculiarity of Australian trees is that they naturally lose their bark in summer months. This creates a ton of kindling which helps spur bush fires in the undergrowth. If the fires happen regularly enough, then the forests as a whole are spared. How this evolved just boggles my mind, but man, it's awesome. You can see in the above pics a whole stand of trees where the fires have come through - the trees are still alive, and the burn marks go about 20 feet up the trees.

Here's a close up - an alive tree, but the entire inside has burnt out. Crazy, crazy country this.

I also saw a camo goat.

& in case you had trouble spotting the goat in the above pic, here's a close up. You're welcome.

So anyway, after walking for, I dunno, 4 or 5 hours, leaving from a town called Sassafras, we ended up in a town called Olinda. Umm. We were trying to go back to Sassafras, honest. Middle of the day, being pretty careful to backtrack as accurately as possible, and still ended up one town over. Sure am glad it wasn't raining. Or dark. Or full of man eating goats.

Turns out there's an award winning pie-ary in Olinda.

Oh, and if you're curious (I know you are) a pie floater consists of pea soup, with a meat pie floating in it, all covered in tomato ketchup. It's a lot tastier than it sounds - I had one once. My Dad used to live on them.

Not the best choice for a raw foodist, but I figured we were in pie country now.

I had a salad.

A Silly Party Game

2008-09-24T23:26:00.001+10:00

I was chatting with my sensei this evening, and he told me about a party game he learned. I'm sure this is as old as the hills, but it was new to me, and I found it more than a little eye opening. So, I thought I'd share it with you.

First of all, grab a piece of paper (or whatever new fangled gadget passes for paper these days). Write on it:

Your favourite domestic pet
Your favourite wild animal
Your favourite dessert

And for each, the specific attributes about it that make it your favourite - ie, what appeals so strongly about each.

Go ahead, I'll wait. Won't take you more than a couple of minutes.

Finished? Ok, good. Well, here's what I answered:

Fave pet: a cat - reasons? It's inquisitive, sassy & elegant

Fave wild animal: the shark - reasons? It has an efficiency > 1 (until recently thought impossible), it's fast, incredibly beautiful & a little scary

Fave dessert: durian - reasons? the sheer perversity of it, it's exotic, and orgasmic(ally tasty)

So what does this all mean? Well, there's a reason I left the explanation till the end - so you could write your answers down (yes yes, I know you're reading ahead. Stop being cheeky, & jot them down).

An interesting side note. Almost 20 years ago, I did one of those journeying experiences, where you find your power animal. I'm not totally sure about the practical usefulness of this information, but I'm curious about everything, so I gave it a shot anyway. For me, it turned out to be a hedgehog. I kinda realised, over time, that that was a good representation of myself. Prickly as hell on the outside, squishy on the inside. Also interestingly, my favourite dessert has changed radically over the last couple of years, since I started aggressively on this healing path.

So, side note aside, here's the interpretation, I know you've been dying for it:

The pet is what you look for in a partner
The wild animal describes your own attributes
The dessert is how you like sex

.. and I looked at my list, and I thought to myself "You know? That's a little bit bloody scarily accurate". I'd guess this also means my power animal has changed (although the implications of this are beyond me).

Sweat The Small Stuff

2008-09-24T13:36:00.001+10:00

I had a weird dream last night. So, as usual, I tapped on it.

Thing is, I could feel that while it was helping, it wasn't really getting to the root of the problem. In my dream, I dunno, I was in this weird war zone - kindof. I had a gun, there were people out to get me - all of them, it seemed. Very odd. When I woke things weren't very clear, so I was struggling a bit to connect with it.

So, I did what I often do - pulled up a text editor, cleared my mind, and just started typing. Whatever popped in my head I wrote down - particularly the stupid stuff. Almost like automatic writing, I suppose. Meditating around the subject would do the same thing, but this way I have a record.

Here's what popped out:

WHY IS EVERYONE STILL OUT TO GET ME? [nice big header to keep me focussed]

or hurt me

or make things difficult for me

or trip me up

And a little lightbulb came on in my head "trip me up"? WtF? That's.. odd.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, a very specific incident came to mind. When I was 7, running along in school, some random kid sitting next to the path stuck his foot out & tripped me up - just for laughs, I think. I grazed my hands & got a bit upset.

On the scale of things, how big is this, I mean. Really? Getting tripped up at school? It's ridiculous. I know people that have been caught in the middle of mass murders. Killed dozens of people in wars. Been repeatedly raped for years. That's trauma. Getting tripped up? It's so trivial it's laughable.

And yet.

I started tapping on this, and the picture started to open out.

pic by jeaniepaul

The thing that's important to remember is this: What's tiny to an adult is gigantic to a child. Also, at that age, we have very little experience & our brains haven't even finished developing yet (they don't until our early 20's).

You can pretty much guarantee that we will interpret things in a way that is both wrong, and childish, to our adult brains. However, we never stop & reassess these situations. Even as adults, we take these childish interpretations, and they become our truth. Our core beliefs. The basis for our lives.

For me, this innocuous situation left me with the beliefs that:

I couldn't trust anyone
Everyone was 'out to get me'

This trust issue is something that's been niggling me for years now - and of course caused problems in every relationship, intimate, business, or otherwise, that I've ever been in. However, until now, I haven't really been able to see below the surface.

Could it all stem from that one silly incident? Now, there was another kid who tripped me up on my birthday once (same school, boy oh boy). But those two incidents combined together? Sure. Definitely.

It's ridiculous, looking back as an adult, to see such a forgettable incident causing such long term damage, and yet this sort of thing happens all the time.

There is no incident too small. Remember, we were children then, we saw things in a childish way. If we're looking to heal ourselves, it's important to pay particular attention to the kinds of things that as an adult we now see as trivial. If we still remember them, they're still in our consciousness, in our awareness. So they're significant, no matter how they might look now. In fact, a good rule of thumb is - the sillier & more trivial it seems, the more important it really is.

After all, if an event is really that trivial, why have we bothered to remember it all these years?

Bacon, Bagels & Noodles

2008-09-17T20:39:00.001+10:00

A week or so ago I got rid of my final cooked food addiction... or so I thought.

I'd been reading a really interesting thread on Give It To Me Raw about being addicted to cooked food. At the time I was eating all raw.. except for going out for hot chips, ohhh, 2 or 3 times a week.

*scratches head* What the hell was up with that?

Well, it turns out that potatoes (and wheat) have a similar effect on the brain to mild opiates - ie, they cause a slight distancing from your current concerns. At the time I had been feeling some heavy emotions coming up, and had been fearful of dealing with them (no, I hadn't thought about just tapping out the fear *slaps forehead*), so of course I was instinctively gravitating to potatoes in order to quell those emotions & keep myself 'safe'.

Keeping me safe, & making me feel good being the primary aim of all these sorts of automatic behaviours - it's just the "little us" inside, our minds, trying to protect us. The irony, of course, is that typically the behaviours actually worsen the situation, they just feel like they help.

So, once I tapped out using chips to numb myself, voila! Last cooked food addiction! I am now perfect & worthy of adoration, green smoothies all round!! (for the humour deprived, I'm joking.. oh, except for the smoothies, they rock, please, have one, you'll feel much better).

Ok, where was I? Oh yes, hot chips.

So, that was well and good. Back on the wagon I go, and sure enough, start feeling awesome again, bouncing around the room Russian cossack dancing to Billy Holiday and so on, as I am wont to do.

If there's one thing I've learned on this food journey, starting way back with that insane juice feast, it's that a lot (all?) of the time we crave or feel drawn to a specific food - and particularly those we've had a lot of in the past - it's not the food we're drawn to. It's the emotional feeling we attach to that food. Occasionally there are biochemical drivers, of course, but emotional attachment is definitely the major one.

Since the great hot chip realisation of 2008, I've had the chance to see this in detail with three more separate foods (the alert readers among you will already have a good idea what they are).

Bacon

pic by Bobby Stokes (note the opiate bread+hashbrowns too, always a bonus)

After a recent mild financial setback, I had a definite desire to go out for a cooked breakfast. Ok, no big deal, being raw (for me, at least) is about eating whatever-the-hell-you-want, but being conscious about why. That's what's important, not necessarily what I shove in my gob.

After a bit of thought, I realised - it wasn't the rest of the breakfast that mattered, it was really all about the bacon. Why? Well when I was growing up, we didn't have bacon very often - with 8 kids, that's a LOT of bacon, and it's pretty expensive stuff. So, at some level I associated bacon with wealth - it was my 'wealthy food', as it were. I'd eat it, and feel wealthy.

Like so many things, in hindsight, this is both amusing & kinda ridiculous.

Of course, breaking this connection was as simple as tapping it out (2mins, done). Now I'm still free to enjoy bacon, if I choose, but it won't be because of some illusory feeling I ascribe to the mythical powers of the fried pig!

Noodles

pic by サンドラ (These are the fancy ones, we only dreamt of these)

I've always enjoyed noodles, and even discovered a great little place here in Melbourne that makes their own noodles on the premises. It's super cool - you can actually watch the chef in the window swinging them around. I just love that kind of thing. Oh, plus it's super cheap - always an unexpected bonus with great food. Ironically I discovered this place only after I decided to seriously up my raw food intake. Hehe ewps.

Of course, I do realise that noodles are in the flour+water=glue-in-my-belly food group - not particularly easy to digest & will tend to make me sleepy as my body fights to digest it.

What's taken me much longer to realise is the emotional association I had with noodles. I didn't twig to this until I was in the supermarket downstairs watching a guy building a gargantuan stack of 25c packets of instant noodles.

This took me back in a flash to a time over a decade ago, living with my little brother Rob in a dilapidated place in the centre of a town described by the CEO of Glaxo Wellcome as "the arse end of the universe" (Glaxo was founded there). We were basically living off the cheapest of the cheap of the horrid little packets of two minute noodles at the time. We used to wait until there was a sale, then go and fill up an entire shopping trolley of the things at discounted prices.

Ahh, good times.

*cough*

Anyway, got rid of THAT connection. Still love my brother, can live without the deep fried flour+god knows what else.

Bagels

pic by sionfullana (no, my sister is not Asian, but I do like the size of that bagel)

Bagels were more interesting. I never ate them until my sister Ruth went to the Atlanta Olympics in 1996. She came back and raved to me about how good they were - even just eaten plain.

So of course there was the association. Hanging out with her, having bagels together. Definitely a positive connection there.

There was a little more to it though. When I was working in London, at a particularly productive time in my life, I used to have bagels for breakfast every morning - with an orange juice (see? health conscious!). So as well as the association with her, I'd also connected them with being productive. Since I love being productive, if I wanted to feel that way, I would have a bagel.

This sounds like lunacy, and in a way it is, but this is the way our minds work.

The result
So what does breaking these connections achieve? Well, several things:

Eating those foods won't pump my brain with endorphins or whatever-other-chemicals are created by the emotional connection I've made
I don't feel compelled to eat those foods when what I actually want is the emotional feeling
I'm still completely free to eat them, if I want, and enjoy them for what they are as foods - unclouded by anything else I've attached to them.

Stopping to look at it - what's more healthy? Missing my sister, and eating a bagel to remind me of good times hanging out together, or missing my sister & picking up the phone to tell her I love her?

If I really must, I can always eat a bagel while I call her - it won't be the first time she's heard me talking with my mouth full. That way she gets the love AND an earful of bagel - the perfect solution!