Sanningen som jag ser den

Vidde goes wordpress!

2008-11-04T00:21:00.001+01:00

I just imported all my posts to http://blogg.vidde.org/. I think I will be posting there from now on.

Getting my ass out of bed!

2008-11-02T11:02:00.003+01:00

I haven't let bed yet. But I have been updating my website! Go look for yourself att vidde.org, or more specifically; the music-page!

But now it is time to get up. I haven't even any clothes on! Am I lazy? Nah! I have been working! =)

Ica och deras "Mina varor"

2008-11-01T09:17:00.002+01:00

När jag först hörde om det var jag inte ett dugg förvånad. Jag var redan vagt medveten om att de registrerar vad jag köper. Eller snarare hade jag väl antagit att de gjorde det.

Det är ju inte utan att det tog emot lite att dra kortet när denna tanke väl slagit rot. Jag har alltid haft lite problem med att själva kassörskan kan se vad jag köper. Igår, till exempel. Jag smet in på Ica och köpte varma kycklingklubbor, physalis, avokado och en ost. Jag hade ju tänkt köpa bröd också, men glömde av det. När jag insåg misstaget hade jag redan stått i kö en stund och orkade inte köa igen för att få hem bröd.

Kyklingen och frukten hade jag tänkt äta på en gång medan osten var tänkt till frukost. Men nu börjar min hjärna bråka med mig. Tänk om kassörskan tror att jag ska äta osten till kycklingen? Vad får hon för idéer om mig då?

Numera har jag lärt mig att ignorera de här tankarna. Hon får väl tro vad hon vill om mig då. För om jag inte ignorerar tankarna, då kan jag inte köpa vad jag vill...

I alla fall så drog jag ica-kortet även igår. Vilket innebär att deras dator vet att jag köpte de här sakerna.

Jag vet inte riktigt vad jag ska känna om det hela. Jag har tydligen gått med på det i och med att jag inte har ringt upp dem och protesterat. Eller vad de vill att jag gör om jag inte vill bli inkluderad i deras databas.

Visst är det bra att få 20% rabatt på Norrmejeriers filmjölk? Jag brukar ju köpa den. Men kunde de inte samkört sina register lite isf? Jag bor inte i norrland längre, vilket framgår av adressen de skickat erbjudandet till.

Men där uppstår ju ytterligare problem. Ska de sätta igång att samköra register? Jämföra vad jag brukar köpa med vart jag bor, och kanske vilken storlek jag köper på HM? Så att de kan (för att vara snälla) tipsa mig om lågkalori-produkter om de ser att mitt midjemått börjar bli ohälsosamt.

Vart tog min integritet vägen? Är det värt det? Och om jag tycker det, varför krävs det inte en aktiv handling från min sida för att berätta för dem att jag tycker att deras matregistrering är ok?

Iofs är det väl bara datorer som håller reda på allt detta om mig, men hur synlig är informationen för en människa på Ica nu och i framtiden?

Misty day

2008-10-30T09:20:00.003+01:00

I am slightly confused today. And there is a light mist outside. It looks cold. I don't look forward to riding my bike to work. Maybe I will take the car? But I want to take my bike as much as possible. Work is done by sitting still, and I have been eating too much candy lately. Need to move...

Last night at work (I work late this week) not much was done since I was in a silly mood. And everyone else too. It was fun, and I like to work with them. But today I will keep serious a little longer!

A friend proposed that I and his wife go shopping saturday. Good idea! =) I really need to and I have absolutely no clue when it comes to clothes. Nah, that's not true. But having someone giving advice might be nice.

As to the guys, I think I am back where I was a week ago. And suddenly it doesn't seem stupid any more... I feel mean for saying the things I did, but perhaps they needed to be said...

Too mean?

2008-10-28T23:17:00.002+01:00

I realized that the one I was angry at earlier was myself. I think I knew it all along, but it needs to be clearified.

I am not angry at anyone else. Just mad at myself, because I put myself in situations that hurt me. And I knew all along the road I was walking where it would end. Stupid me.

In other news, innebandy is fun! And I am getting better... I fell over today, but shit happens. =) I also did some good stuff, like scoring and such.

Guys... to hell with you!

2008-10-28T07:25:00.004+01:00

I wonder if it is because of what time of month it is? I have recently discovered that my self esteem seem to vary with the phases of the moon or something. Right now it's pretty high.

Anyways, my feelings aren't less real even if they are helped in their existence by my hormones.

I feel that guys just annoy me right now. They just take my heart and then they break it. I have no desire of letting that happen again. Even though the first part, when they steal my heart, is so wonderful.

I don't feel broken. Just angry. I am worth more than pain.

So right now, I just say screw it all. To hell with it. I am not made to look around. I get hung up on the way, and that doesn't work for me at all. I want it to be mutual, dammit!

Work is good, so I will concentrate my energy on that.

(unless a certain someone calls me up and tells me he wants me, only me and noone on the side... wishing for the impossible...)

Confused and happy

2008-10-27T00:12:00.002+01:00

Just so you know, you confuse me.

In other news, I just had the best workday.

Under mycket trevliga former jobbade vi ikapp på jobbet och sedan hade vi utbildning. En massa saker som blev klarare, några saker jag måste bättra mig på, men även en hel del som jag kan klappa migsjälv på axeln för att jag gör helt rätt.

Det kanske ingår i jobbet att göra det rätt, men man ska fokusera på det positiva, har jag hört. Bara man inte glömmer bort att förbättra sig. =)

Såhär då; om man fokuserar på hur bra man är har man lätt för att tro på sigsjälv så att man kan bättra sig där man är mindre bra. Typ jag är ju bäst, så självklart klarar jag av att bättra mig på de här punkterna och lära mig det där nya!

I'm going to bed now. Need to sleep to do my awesome best tomorrow again! =)

You are not worthy

2008-10-25T10:22:00.003+02:00

I still haven't found someone that will treat me the way I deserve. And I feel I am done chasing after what I want. I want it to come to me on it's own. And then I get surprised that what I didn't fight for is not mine any more.

Who is more stupid? Me for not fighting for them, or them for not fighting for me?

I'm not interested in desperately searching for mr Right either. I felt I had found him, but there is all sorts of trouble there. And he is probably not that interested. At least he is honest about it...

I just want to say to hell with it all! But then again I feel lonely and would very much want somebody by my side... Someone to get home to. Someone that will hold me and tell me how wonderful I am. Someone I can look at and feel like I can't believe someone as wonderful as that would be all mine.

I know I deserve it. And I know I should be able to get it. I just don't see how right now.

Plan!

2008-10-22T22:08:00.003+02:00

Jag har en helt orealistisk syn på allt jag vill hinna med. Men planen för mitt liv innefattar ändå att jag utöver jobbet (som jag stortrivs på) ska hinna med sakerna. Här är de punkter jag kommer på såhär off the top of my head:

Köpa ny dator
Skaffa lägenhet
Skaffa regelbunden ridning någonstans där jag trivs
Hälsa på i Jokkmokk
Ta ner folk från Jokkmokk på besök
Fara till Stockholm och kompisarna där fler gånger
Festa mer
Njuta av livet mer
Göra färdigt hemsidan
Göra färdigt mina hemliga projekt
Göra mer musik
Göra fler program
Sticka klart koftan som jag startade i somras
Sticka fler grejer
Virka färdigt filten som aldrig vill bli klar
Virka andra grejer
Spela datorspel NÅN gång iaf!
Prata med fler kompisar i telefon
Träffa fler kompisar IRL

Japp! Jag tänker hinna med det och ändå inte behöva sluta hänga med på innebandy med jobbkompisarna på tisdagarna.

Och såklart är detta bara den kortsiktiga planen. Långsiktigt ska jag bland annat antingen skaffa man och barn och villa och hela det kittet, eller så ska jag skaffa ett gäng katter och en villa och sätta mig i en gungstol på altanen och sticka. Och fräsa ilsket till alla som undrar om jag stickar åt barnen.

I ett ännu längre perspektiv ska jag bli en gammal tant som låtsas att hon är en sur kärring och går jättelångsamt med sin breda rullator mitt på trotoaren och med flit knuffar till ungdomar som försöker ta sig förbi. Och så ska jag raljera om den stressade ungdomen som inte har vett att ta tillvara på livet. Och naturligtvis tråka ut folk och fä med utläggningar om hur allt var bättre när jag var ung och att dagens ungdomar har helt spejsade värderingar. Ja, för spejsig kommer vara ett adjektiv som bara används av gamlingar då, förstår ni.

Det är bra med visioner. Fast jag får nog passa mig, för det där med man och barn är inte alls lika lätt att visualisera som gungstolen eller rullatorn. Och man faller ju åt det håll man lutar...

2008-10-20T17:49:00.000+02:00

I get by with a little help from my friends... =)

2008-10-19T22:16:00.002+02:00

Vilken tur att jag skulle till Stockholm igår! För annars hade den dagen bara varit helt crappy.

Nu slutade den iaf bra! Goda vänner, god öl och goda skratt. Kan man önska sig mer? Ja, det kan man ju, men varför fokusera på det man inte har när det som är framför en är så bra?

Idag har varit bakispizza, hemresa (med förseningar i Bålsta, vad annars?) och telefon. Mycket telefon. Bra telefon. =)

Jag hittade en gunga också. Kommer ni ihåg hur skönt det kittlar i magen när man gungar? Om inte, leta genast upp en gunga och prova! Helt underbart!

Ja, jag är medveten om att jag låter helt bipolär här i bloggen, men jag försöker vara lite positiv efter allt negativt nu! Och så skriver jag av mig mina utropstecken här eftersom Stefan sa åt mig att inte använda utropstecken på jobbet!!!!! Haha!

Det här blir helt fjortis. Men jag är ju dubbelfjortis gammal. Och hyperaktiv i munnen (hört från flera källor, så det måste vara sant). Nu ska jag sova.

Mossa mossa på er, alla grankottar! =)

Happy face on?

2008-10-18T14:13:00.003+02:00

När jag rider så gungar jag inte fram hästen med rumpan för att få den att gå framåt. När jag ska ställa den håller jag stadig yttertygeln och leder med innertygel och formar med skänklarna. Jag för alltså inte fram yttertygeln för att på så sätt få hästen att ställa sig inåt. (Som man rör händerna när man cyklar)

Ovanstående är tydligen helt fel.

Lägg till mina vanliga fel: jag drar upp hälen och för bak skänkeln när jag inte alls borde. Jag glömmer att följa med hästens rörelser med händerna och jag håller dem alldeles för lågt (vilket tydligen är rätt). Och så glömmer jag att andas och så spänner jag mig.

Allt ovanstående en dag när man har mens, självförtroendet är i botten, man känner sig dumpad av killar i största allmänhet och man dessutom misstänker att man blivit mer än lovligt kär i en av dem, vilket bara är olyckligt eftersom han inte är HÄR...

Jag vill bara lägga mig ner och gråta!

Men det ska jag inte. Jag ska åka till Stockholm och försöka se glad ut...

Good work!

2008-10-17T18:03:00.002+02:00

Jag har kommit in i jobbet rätt bra nu, känns det som. Emil sa till mig idag att jag är nere på att fråga på 10% av ärendena. Uppskattningsvis. Det lät lågt, men om man inte räknar alla mina "visst är det såhär"-frågor, då är det nog snarare högt räknat! Tror jag iaf. Så det kanske stämmer rätt bra.

Skitkul att Per har börjat också! Man får sällskap till och från jobbet, och det sänker ju telefonräkningen... =)

Och så fick jag sällskap till innebandyn i tisdags också. Och typ coachning. Kunde väl jag behöva, och det gick rätt bra för att vara mig! Fipplade till och med in bollen i mål en gång. Plus i taket! =)

Fast nu har jag fortfarande träningsverk... Och mens... så hur kul blir det att fara och rida Gudruns häst imorrn? Jag vet inte, men jag SKA! =)

Idag kändes det som att jag hade svårt för allt på jobbet. Kände mig lite sänkt pga ont i magen och så, så jag försökte muntra upp mig genom att sjunga kyckling på fredag. Fast det verkar snarare bli räkor och fisk. Går välan lika bra det!

Igår var jag nära att snäsa av en kund eftersom han talade på ett sätt som tryckte på mina knappar. Men jag lyckades hålla mig. Ingen större överraskning iofs. Jag vet när jag inte kan säga vad jag tänker. Dock oroar jag mig för att jag inte gav honom lika bra vägledning som en trevlig kund skulle fått. Fast jag tror att han blev nöjd. Inte lätt att veta... Nu vet jag iaf att anledningen till att mina knappar var så lättryckta var PMS.

Brukar inte jag få mens runt den 25:e? Har det förskjutit sig nu? Illa. Jag hade räknat med att INTE ha mens denna helg... =P

Nu ska jag bädda ner mig och glo på gammal film. Och tycka synd om migsjälv. På det bra sättet, ni vet.

Och ja, detta inlägg blev på svenska, för att översätta allt detta svammel till engelska övergick mitt förstånd just nu.

Am I imagining?

2008-10-13T21:59:00.003+02:00

I wonder if I imagine feelings. I wonder if I look for something that wasn't there to begin with.

But then there is all the evidence. Why would I spend so much time and energy on something if there was nothing there?

Why would getting ignored bug me so much if I didn't care?

Did I keep my distance? No. There was never any distance, and I didn't keep it.

But is it real? It has been so long. It feels like an eternity. I don't remember enough. I have no clue.

I am afraid of the feelings, of what they might mean.

Is it all just an idea to explain why I am feeling like this, or am I feeling like this because of... well the feelings I try to deny I have?

This freaking thing is tearing me apart! I keep lying to myself because I've decided what is right.

Or maybe there just wasn't time enough to say goodbye.

Old and new

2008-10-12T10:15:00.001+02:00

Dire Straits - Brothers In Arms

About feelings and their reasons

2008-10-11T23:13:00.002+02:00

I am convinced that there is a reason for every feeling. Only the reason might not be as easy to figure out as you would think...

Today I have been feeling miserable. Ok, maybe not miserable, but sad. And I have occupied my mind with finding the reason for this. And fighting the urge to look for the reason.

Because it is all so complicated. And if I convince myself of the wrong reason, I might get all hung up on that idea for a long time... This would not be good. This would make me miserable for years, potentially. I know this, because it has happened before. And I really don't want this time to be one of those "All of this has happened before, and will happen again" kind of times.

There is a bunch of people involved in the reason to my confusion. Two of them are guys, and I am not sure which I am more hung up on. I am not sure if I am in love with either, or if I ever was. But I might have been. Or maybe I would have fallen in love with them if I had been given time.

I understand why it's called to have a crush on someone, because it really can crush you!

But I don't want it to this time. I want to keep my distance. I realize the complexity of the matter, and I don't need that stuff right now. But I don't need loneliness either, and that is why I keep getting myself confused.

It might be possible that I confuse confusion with depression. It's bad feelings and I don't like them.

But what am I supposed to do to remove all of these bad feelings? I have no idea, and that bugs the hell out of me! I want my tea drinking nights with Sara! *misses*

About what?

2008-10-11T01:04:00.002+02:00

What's it even all about? Why do I do all the things I do? Is there even a point to it all?

Maybe there is just a bunch of good times, and if you are lucky, there are more good times than bad. If I think about it, there is. There are not many moments in recent years I can call bad.

I think it's because I don't do anything unless I want to. Sometimes I do stuff because they serve another goal. But if there are different ways to reach that goal, I chose the way that suites me best. Mostly, this makes me happy, and gives me good times.

Also I give friends a lot of time. Because friendship needs time. It's just that I know too many people I would like to give all this time, and my time is limited...

Tonight was a good time. Party at Nanna's place, and a lot of nice people there. I feel I absolutely made the right choice of where to be. Next weekend I might go to Stockholm. If nothing else comes up...

But in the end I am left with this empty feeling. I know I try to fill this void with the wrong thing. Or at least I try to get this wrong thing for the wrong reason. Because the void will not be filled. It will be forgotten. And forgetting is not a solution.

I have no idea of how to solve this riddle. Maybe forgetting until you die is a solution if it keeps you happy. But maybe it won't if it is all a lie? How will you tell the lie from the truth if the lie feels more real than anything else you ever felt?

Maybe it will all be clear tomorrow. Another lie... Someone needs to simplify my world for me. This is too confusing.

Wait! what's happening?

2008-10-09T21:02:00.002+02:00

Sometimes it all seems so overwhelming. I bite off more than I can chew, and then I sit around in wonderment over the fact that I am chewing at all...

Sometimes I feel like I am in way over my head. Sometimes I feel in full control. Sometimes I don't know what to feel.

I went riding yesterday. This woman Gudrun has a horse she wants help with. She calls him heart, because he has a white heart on his forehead. And he seems to have a heart of gold too... But there was a long way there, and I got lost on my way home. It was all dark and I was distracted! =)

I think riding that horse would be very good, but maybe I will look for a ridingschool instead. Because I can't figure out how I would manage to get all the way out there each time before it gets all dark. Sadly...

Work is still overwhelming. I know I have learned some stuff, because I don't need to pause every call any more. I can sort out most questions myself.

But there is still so much I can't get a grip on! I know I will eventually, but right now, it can be kind of frightening. But coworkers always help me out when I ask my stupid questions. They are wonderful! That makes me totally not scared to go to work. All good... =)

Tomorrow I will go to Uppsala for a party. I was thinking about going to Stockholm instead, since someone changed the plan all of a sudden. But in the end, I decided to go with my gut feeling, and it said Uppsala. I played around with the idea of Jokkmokk too since a friend turns 30 and has a party, but I would never make it in time. And I am not made of money just because I have a job...

So now I need to figure out what to wear and how to manage it all. =)

Woke up smiling...

2008-10-06T18:21:00.002+02:00

...which was really surprising considering some stuff happened last night, that really did not make me happy. But then I had a nice long conversation with a friend. That cheered me up. And then me and dad watched the first episode of Pistvakt. Mindless comedy and nostalgia... Sometimes that is just what you need.

Maybe I smiled when waking up because I have a job I like and actually like living with my father. And also my alarm is set to nice piano music by Rob Costlow... That makes me happy.

And I still have a bunch of wonderful friends. I don't have time to call them all as much as I would like, but that doesn't mean I like them any less! They seem to get that, which is good...

So mostly my life is wonderful. But... still... it's kind of surprising that I managed to see that right there and then. Oh well, as long as I am happy, I am glad! ;)

More hours, please!

2008-10-01T22:02:00.003+02:00

Ok, ok... I know that in order to maintain order in the universe, it is probably not a good idea to start moving the earth around in a totally different pace all of a sudden. Let alone the changes most people seem to want to make to the space time continuum. I am of course talking about the fact that it would be handy if we had a few hours more each day.

Wanting this is probably a sign of life enjoyment. It certainly feels that way to me. So why complain?

The new job seem to be going well. Noone has yelled at me yet, so I guess I haven't done anything stupid yet... =) I actually think I am doing rather well, even though I get overwhelmed by the amount of information I need to gather before I can consider myself to know most of the stuff customers would ask about. There is a lot! But it is interesting, and I keep imagining knowing all that stuff. Can't wait.

Imagining a successful state is supposed to help you get there. That's why I do it. And it feels good too...

Today I had trouble leaving. It's easy to get into a flow-like state. But I had to. The workday was over and my brain didn't really follow me around... ehm...? That sentence was weird... :)

Anyways, I don't seem to have time to do all the fun stuff on my free time. I knew this would happen! I had time off and got used to doing a lot of stuff, and now I want to keep doing what took me all day before. And I keep fooling myself to think it is doable after work. Silly... =)

But it is all good. This is the life I wanted. I just need to get my routine down. It takes a while, you know!

I was going to try and finish up the new version of my website (vidde.org) tonight, but since I have this cold or whatever it is, I better not poke around with it. My brain stops working... Better go to sleep now, actually. My brain better work tomorrow!

Too tired

2008-09-26T23:46:00.005+02:00

I was extremely tired all day today. I think it was because I drank too much coffee yesterday and got all worked up about everything.

See, I have been trying to drink less coffee, and I had managed to get it down to only coffee in the morning. But yesterday I inhaled coffee.

-Do you like coffee?
-Only with my oxygen
(Gilmore Girls)

And the results... Can you get hung over from a coffee high? Because I think I was today. =)

But yesterday was fun. I bought a bookcase for my room and put it together by myself. I tried to get dad to relax while I did it, because we don't work well together... or we do, but we both get super stressed. The bookcase turned out really good, but it needs like 2 shelves added to it. In addition to the extra one I already bought. Silly thing: IKEA only has extra shelves in glass for BILLY. At least that was what the paper I got hold of said. But it looks kind of nice, so I am not complaining... =)

In the evening I went down to meet some friends at centrum. Or rather, I went to meet a co-worker (Blund). Even though I haven't started yet! ^^ And Larsa decided to meet us, and then we ran into some people from Ducknet. Geez, that was a long time ago (playing CS, I mean)...

Even though Mr Blund tricked me to walk alone with him at night in tunnels and through trees and stuff I was totally unharmed and got home allright! Haha! I am joking, but he did take me to such places... =) Jokes aside, I am looking forward to work among such nice people!

Then there was this whole idea that Larsa was joking around with, that I was actually on a date. Was I? That was not my idea for the whole thing. Larsa is evil. =)

Got the job!

2008-09-20T07:00:00.003+02:00

They called me yesterday! I had given up hope of hearing from them since it was later than 17:00. Stupid, when I think about it...

I was driving the car at the time. I had just picked up my father, and we had a hysteric time as usual. When the phone started to ring, dad started yelling at it, and I thought it was too much to answer the phone during all this, so I untangled the handsfree (I think I want a bluetooth one) and gave dad the phone to answer. Ofcourse, he got confused, since my phone is Nokia, and his is Sony Ericsson.

There was confusion and yelling and during all this, I realized that the phone had been answered and the call was going on. So I listened and said "Hello?".

Emil at my new workplace was laughing. Then he told me they want me! I start at the end of the month if they don't get a workstation working before that. Because I told them I can start now. Right away.

I mean, I don't really know what to do with myself. Yesterday I went down to city and bought myself two wonderful sweaters. But I can't do that all the time! =)

Patch!

2008-09-19T08:15:00.002+02:00

I told you there was a patch coming out, Henka!

A view of the world

2008-09-19T07:13:00.003+02:00

I think I keep seing the world as I hope it is. Whenever I don't know how things work, I make up the logic behind it and then see it like that.

I have at least two good friends that challenge my sometimes fixed views on my surroundings. I hope they never stop doing that!

I sometimes have a hard time expressing my appreciation of my friends. I hope they know how much they mean to me anyway... Or am I hoping again?

So tired

2008-09-18T21:28:00.002+02:00

I got up way too early today. Then I got all nervous before the interview. I don't know what kind of impression I made, but it did not feel good...

I am too tired to think what to do about it right now, because I went over to Amberion and helped him move his stuff together with Manne. Then we had pizza, and mine was way too big. I shouldn't eat anything for a week now, I think! =P Shouldn't have eaten it all...

Plan for tomorrow; a good walk around the city before going to eat at Bredbar at 13:00. I hope I manage to follow through with that plan. I have been sitting still for way too long now!

Good night!