My Blog

Connecticut Rodents

2006-09-19T15:37:00.000-07:00

Where I live, we have the largest population of deer in CT. For the first time in almost four years of living here, I hit a deer....not particularly hard but killed none the less. Well, I brought my car into the shop, and there was $5K worth of damage!! Of course, I have insurance but the darn thing cost me my deductible and I wasn't sure what that was set at nevermind the hassle of being without my car while it was getting fixed. Boy, was I pissed. I was driving slow, eyes on the road and the deer just have no concept for bright lights and the sound of a 2K pound box of crushing metal heading towards them. Well, the next day, I was passing by the very spot I hit the bastard. While becoming more enraged because I was on the phone with my insurance agent who was giving me the news about my $500 deductible, I spotted the carcas in the road. All the feelings of "this accident is going to cost me" bubbled up and I was so pissed I swerved hard into the shoulder lane and ran over the deer again! I'll teach him....

"My Cellphone Cut Out"

2005-10-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

I am rapidly losing my patience with people who feel the need to fill me in on the obvious that when a call is dropped that their cellphone cut out. This is not my first day with a cellphone. If I lose you or vice versa I know what happened! Just continue the conversation like it never happened and let's not waste time explaining the obvious. My favorite though is when my cellphone cuts out and the person who I was talking to asks "what happened" when I call them back. WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED??!!

HDTV and the FCC

2005-04-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

I love how the FCC has demanded that the networks broadcast in high definition in 2006. "GET THESE PEOPLE GOOD TV. THESE ARE GOOD PEOPLE AND THEY DESERVE THE BEST TV. GET IT DONE....NOW!"

Letourneau to Wed

2005-02-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

Mary Kay Letourneau and her former sixth-grade pupil, with whom she has two children, have set the date for their wedding. They will be registered at Bloomingdales and playstation2.com.

The Battery Powered Razor

2005-02-09T14:04:00.000-08:00

I recently caught a Gillette commercial stating the latest razor will have a battery to power the razor for an even CLOSER shave. Aren't those guys at Gillette ever satisfied? Can you imagine how those meetings go?

Gillette Employee: Well, this is about the closest shave a man can get.
Gillette Executive: Can we get closer?
Employee: Sir, we're scraping the face with a razor.
Executive: Any chance we can get closer?
Employee: With all due respect, sir, we practically pulling the hair from the inside.
Executive: Can we get closer?
Employee: Sir...
Executive: CLOSER! CLOSER! CLOSER!
Employee: Right, sir. We'll work on it.
Executive: CLOSER! I NEED CLOSER!

Brad and Jen's Blind Date

2005-02-08T15:52:00.000-08:00

Since the break up, it's been widely reported that Brad and Jen met five years ago on a blind date. I wonder if their blind date was like ones I've had.

Brad: Jen?
Jen: Brad?
Brad: Yes. (awkward silence) So, what do you do? It's Jen, right?
Jen: Yeah. I'm an actor.
Brad: Me too! What have you done?
Jen: I'm in a show called "Friends".
Brad: I love that show. That's you? Wow.
Jen: Yeah. What have you been in?
Brad: Mostly movies.
Jen: I'll have to check them out.
Brad: Yeah.
Jen: Ok. Should we get the check?
Brad: Yeah. I'll call ya.
Jen: Ok.

My Conversation with Pete Rose

2005-02-07T14:53:00.000-08:00

I've never met him but if I did, this is the way I would want the conversation to go:

Me: Hey, Pete Rose! How are ya?
Pete: Good, thanks!
Me: You bet. It took me a long time to get through this traffic.
Pete: I bet. Looks like it's not moving at all. Say, can you tell me how to get outta here?
Me: You bet. Take a left right there and you'll be on the highway so fast it will make your head spin.
Pete: I bet. Well, take care.
Me: You bet, Pete. You bet.

The Only Chant That Should Ever Be Allowed...

2005-02-07T08:39:00.000-08:00

...is "U-S-A" at the Olympics and maybe the occassional "de-fense". That's it. Don't argue.

Back to Basics

2005-02-03T15:29:00.000-08:00

When I see a flood on TV, I usually don't think about running water as much as I think about stopping water. I think of my own shower drain. I think about how hair could stop water cold yielding not even a drop to pass through. Until the hair is manually cleared, that water would sit there for weeks. I pour Draino down the drain (and that stuff is freakin' acid), it starts smokin' but nothing happens. When I heard the Russian Sub "The Kursk" went down years ago and they tried to isolate the leak by shutting off that compartment with fancy computers, I sat there in front of my TV shouting, "NO! Go to the showers and get the hair!" Basics....

Reinventing the Telephone Pole

2005-02-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

While driving into NYC, my trip was significantly delayed because the utility company was putting in new telephone poles. The new poles are higher than the old ones but other than that, there's pretty much no change. It got me thinking, is this the best we could do? The telephone pole must have been a very early invention following the invention of electricity. So right after Ben Franklin flew the kite and found a way to make electricity, he asked his neighbors if they would like some and simply put a pole in the ground with the wire on top. So probably like patent #000000000012 or something. Over the years not much has changed. The meetings must have been boring as hell. The best we could come up with in recent years is put brown sticky stuff on them. I don't know what that does but after many decades any change is good I suppose. So here we are in 2005 and it probably looks much like it looked decades ago except at the last meeting one bright light in the room perked up and said, "We could make it taller".

Kudos to the Scientists

2005-01-26T09:39:00.000-08:00

As a first time homeowner, I just found out how a septic tank works. For those of you not in the know, water from your home runs down the drain from the toilet, the shower, the laundry machine, etc and into the septic tank underground. As the tank fills, the overflow makes its way downhill into a triangular pipe with holes in it which disperses the run-off into the ground. This is called the septic field. Eventually the earth purifies the water as the water makes its way back into underground wells which produce water that comes out our faucets. What scientist discovered this process? There was someone who took nasty waste water, set it in some dirt for a while; let it purify and then put his mouth to a glass of the stuff uttering the words, "Not bad!"