Blogimore Ravens

Fantastic using two timeouts on the failed challenge when really we needed to use only one because c'mon who really wanted to beat the Colts anyway?

2009-11-22T18:12:00.001-08:00

"I was trying to flip the timeout into a challenge and they wouldn't let me do it."
Colts 17, Ravens 15, Blogimore Ravens 0

The Boston Massacre ain't got nothing on the Indianapolis Massacre

2009-11-21T12:46:00.000-08:00

Peyton Manning vs. Baltimore's defensive secondary = John Travolta + Nancy Allen

"That's bad for him. They will remember that."

2009-11-19T07:42:00.000-08:00

"That's bad for him. They will remember that."

That's what retired NFL cornerback Gary Baxter texted me after Brady Quinn's girly cheap shot on Terrell Suggs, whose knee now kinda¹ hurts.

Y'all might remember G.B. and his four years with the Ravens followed by four years in Cleveland, where he tore patellar tendons in both knees, which is to say homeboy knows a thing or two about knee injuries.

After the Suggs injury I spoke also with New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma—as editorial director of Playmaker Mobile I speak with Vilma and other athletes weekly—and Vilma had this to say about Brady Queen:

Jon Vilma on Brady Quinn: "It's not like Mark Sanchez where it was his fourth game starting and he was a little bewildered and he was just out there. Brady Quinn has been around and he understands right from wrong. He understands fair and foul play. That bothers me. Yeah, Brady Quinn gets fined but that fine isn't going to help the Ravens, it's not gonna help Terrell Suggs get back any quicker, and now they've got to play Peyton Manning this weekend."

Blogimore Ravens: 10th-best² Ravens blog on the Internet!
Well how about that. Bringing you exclusive content. Not only from a former Baltimore Ravens and Cleveland Browns player, but also a former defensive Rookie of the Year and Pro Bowl linebacker currently playing for one of only two undefeated teams in the NFL. Not bad for the 10th-best³ Ravens blog on the Internet. Compare that with what Ravens offensive tackle Jared Gaither⁴ had to say about the Brady Queen situation: approximately nothing. Or the best Ravens blog on the Internet, which after the Browns game brought you nothing more than a cut-and-dried post-game transcript. Yawn.

1: League source: "Severe MCL sprain"
2: Blogimore Ravens was basically the only Ravens blog in existence to not even get nominated by the Baltimore Sun for a "Mobbie" (Maryland's Outstanding Blogs). Perhaps because I'm not always SFW. Or perhaps because I'm not always SFTBS (safe for the Baltimore Sun).
3: I'm not bitter. I'm better—y'all can't fuck with my PSD skills!—and with that, I'll probably go dormant for another month. Hugs and kisses.
4: Follow J.G. on Twitter

Official mascot of Blogimore Ravens: Lazerface

2009-11-16T15:38:00.000-08:00

Well it's been a minute, and it's been an even longer season.

Three of the most heartbreaking losses in the history of Edgar, Allan and Poe: against the Patriots and Tom Brady's Whiny Vagina; against the Bengals, who most definitely were prettier in pink; and against the Vikings, who watched the Joe Flacco Show execute an amazing comeback only to then watch that dude from Middlebury College who is not Matt Stover blow the game-winning field goal and gift-wrap a W for Favre and the Scandinavian explorers.

Somehow we managed to beat the undefeated Broncos, and then immediately we got smoked again by the Bengals¹ but not before that dude from Middlebury College who is not Matt Stover blew a field goal and chance at putting Baltimore back into the mix of what until then had been the most boring Ravens game since Baltimore beat San Francisco² 9-7. Of course, he missed the kick, and it was back to boredom. But for a second there I almost didn't almost fall asleep.

You know who likes to sleep quite a bit? My new dog. Lazer. His face looks like five lazers all pointed in the same direction. He's fantastic. Kinda like Baltimore's hottest new drama. The Joe Flacco Show.

Enjoy the game tonight, Ravens fans. I'll see you when I see you. Probably on the Internet.

1: Who are now something like 8-3 against the Ravens during the Carson Palmer era. WTF.
2: The San Francisco 49ers. Quarterbacked by Trent Dilfer. I was at this game. I fell asleep in the third quarter for a minute or two. It was absolutely positively with-as much-doubt-as-I-have-Steelers-love terrible.

Unfortunately last week's tribute failed to eradicate breast cancer: Pink Bengals add dash of yellow to defeat Pink Ravens; Baltimore unpretty in pink

2009-10-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

Ochocinco on Sunday's game: "I loves tigers especially when theys whipping them tails around in the water oooooh it feels good—I gots man-boobies!"

2009-10-09T17:31:00.001-07:00

I support Mark Clayton (and single Moms who don't look like yours)

2009-10-05T15:55:00.001-07:00

Ray Lewis would make a FANTASTIC Sampson Simpson, don't you think?

2009-10-05T15:23:00.000-07:00

Jared Gaither may play on Sunday. Not bad for a guy who was mobilized and rushed to the hospital¹ just yesterday. MRI today. Yesterday he had X-Rays (negative). Yesterday I had a Coors Light (also negative).

1: It's nearly a miracle Tom Brady didn't need hospitalization after that vicious roughing-the-passer hit courtesy of Terrell Suggs. I mean, Sizzle touched Brady. Nobody touches Tom Brady. Not even Gisele, because, um, these days she prefers touching Joe Flacco's unibrow. For reals, though, I just got off the phone with New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma, who called the Sizzle penalty "ticky tack," and he generally agreed with Ray's sentiments. Vilma also agreed that Joe Flacco's unibrow is sexy. He didn't actually say anything about Flacco's unibrow, and it was never even discussed, but let's be honest: His complete silence speaks volumes, my friends. For the record, Tom Brady is not my friend.

LIKES A MOM I LOVES ME ALLS MY BABIES EVEN WHENS THEY ACTING CLUMSY AND BAD AND STUFF AND BTW TOM BRADY IS A WHINY BITCH

2009-10-05T07:02:00.000-07:00

Fourteen of the Patriots points came via roughing-the-passer penalties that extended drives. That's fine. Officiating is officiating and sometimes you're not gonna like it. Whatever. But once the Ravens learn that touching Tom Brady's whiny vagina is against the rules, and that doing so will result in his babysitters throwing the cowardly yellow flag to appease said whiny vagina, then, well, the Ravens will probably no longer commit such heinous crimes, and Baltimore will be in a better position to win a rematch. Assuming of course that Young Tom's babysitters don't make him go to bed before kickoff.

Derek Anderson, even worse than Brady Queen

2009-09-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

BRADY QUEEN: 6/8—34 yards—1 INT
DEREK ANDERSON: 11/19—92 yards—3 INTs

Come on down to Clevelandtown, everyone/Under construction since 1868/See our river that catches on fire/It's so polluted that all our fish have AIDS

2009-09-25T13:00:00.000-07:00

Next time I faaaaaall, in loooooove, it'll be with Keeeeeeith!

9/28/09: I knew this felt familiar. I would've remembered earlier if it wasn't for you meddling kids.

The only thing worse than Ravens fans who whine about Indy are Browns fans who bitch and moan about Art Modell and pretend their city isn't terrible

2009-09-24T10:34:00.000-07:00

I'm not even sure what this Photoshop is designed to convey but YEZZIR our team is undefeated and in 1st place and what do you think is worse, A or B?

2009-09-17T18:06:00.000-07:00

A) Having Tila Tequila publicly¹ accuse you choking her unconscious
B) Having it be known as 100% FACT that you two were socializing in the first place²

1: Via her official Twitter account, son!
2: Did I mention the Ravens are in first place and share the best record in the NFL?

MUHFUCKIN' GAMEDAY!

2009-09-13T00:22:00.001-07:00

The official theme song for season two of THE JOE FLACCO SHOW.

Well whaddya know. Here we are. The season arrives.

2009-09-10T15:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a strange few months since the Steelers defeated the Ravens in the AFC Championship.

Steve McNair was murdered and found dead on the 4th of July. I found out via text message while in Dolores Park. I had and still have nothing to say on the subject. It's a tragedy. Sad and terrible and that's about all I've got. So I guess I have more than nothing to say. But still not very much beyond a big fuck-you to Steve's murdering mistress's ex-boyfriend, who had the nerve to say, "She is the sweetest girl, and she did not deserve this." Hey, fuckwad; she did this to herself and to Steve and to his family, and like I sad, it's a tragedy. Sad and terrible and that's about all I've got.

What else. Well, I became friends and business colleagues with former Ravens CB Gary Baxter, who introduced me to Ray Ray and who also just launched his own clothing line, Perchelle. It's kinda strange but nowadays I've got Ray Lewis in my cell phone, and NO you can't have his number. We've been doing some work together. I'm supposed to get on the phone with Ray tomorrow. I'm not gonna lie. It's kinda cool to have direct access to Ray Lewis. I'm also not gonna lie about the fact that I have almost zero desire¹ to blog this season. At least not right now. We'll see if that changes. If it doesn't, oh well.

1: Some of this zero-desire has to do with the fact that I'm sick of encountering dumb-a$$ fans [original post]. Maybe when Sunday rolls around I'll be back in the mood, but right now I'm just not, which in and of itself, and in the opinion of my small-but-loyal readership, might be a tragedy, sad and terrible, but honesty is all I've got. That and a brand-new Joe Flacco #5 jersey. Black.

Skeet, skeet! Who's ready for September 13?

2009-07-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

This video is sponsored but it's not just another sponsor-lackey stunt. Flacco really does work on accuracy by throwing footballs at skeets. He graduated to this in high school after throwing footballs through tires got old.

It's been a minute

2009-06-29T12:23:00.000-07:00

Hi. How are you? Hello? Helloo hellooo helloooo?

Some random dude reminded me that I have a Ravens blog and then my homegirl Alana G hollered at me to let me know that former Ravens TE Daniel Wilcox commented on my "ESPN is Ray-cist" post over at Fanarchy and then I remembered a funny story that I never shared with y'all involving myself and a former Ravens player and then I decided to update Blogimore Ravens and then finally I got around to sharing said funny story: About a month ago I was on a random conference call, which was slated to include myself and two other people, one of whom I knew and one of whom I didn't know, and while Mystery Man Gary and myself waited for our common link to join the call, Mystery Man Gary asked me where I was from, and after I dropped San Francisco, he said, "No, I mean originally," and then I said Baltimore and then one thing led to another and then I realized the Gary on the other end of the phone was former Ravens CB Gary Baxter and then we proceeded to speak for nearly two hours and now I'm telling you that Gary Baxter has an impressively sharp business mind.

Baltimore Ravens: Michael Oher video

2009-04-26T06:53:00.000-07:00

I met Michael Oher and shot this video at his press conference yesterday in NYC. Homeboy is big. He talks about visiting Baltimore, going up against Baltimore's D in practice, and getting the call from Ozzie. I managed to drop "The Joe Flacco Show" into the conversation, which of course was my only reason for being there.

My favorite questions/answer was the first out of the gate.

Reporter: Do you like crab crake?
Oher: "Oh yeah, when I went on my visit there, I had shrimp."

Let's hope he understands football better than food.

Ravens: Michael Oher & Paul Kruger

2009-04-26T06:51:00.000-07:00

The Ravens added two cast members to the Joe Flacco Show yesterday: a Mormon defensive end out of Utah who was stabbed during a gang fight last year, and a formerly homeless offensive tackle who once had a 0.30¹ GPA in high school.

I'm not hating on either of 'em, though. Both have tremendous stories of courage, et cetera, et cetera, especially Oher, who doesn't really care what you think anyway. Besides, Oher had a 3.7 GPA at Ole Miss, which isn't so bad. That's what I had at Villanova, and look at me: I grew up to be a blogger!

Anything is possible, Michael.

1: I've also seen it reported as 0.60. Perhaps the GPA was weighted for an honors or AP schedule.

Blogimore @ 2009 NFL Draft

2009-04-24T00:11:00.000-07:00

New. York. City.

Putting a period after every word? How terribly lame and lazy of me.

Anyway, this weekend I'll be at Radio City Music Hall doing freelance work for Yardbarker. Caity, we're eating breakfast at wherever it is you work; Atlas Café is last year's news, Big Slice.

Ed. note: LIVE BLOG

The Joe Flacco Show needs more ammo, yes?

2009-03-17T18:15:00.000-07:00

This video is so tasty

2009-03-11T00:20:00.001-07:00

After only one dose of Ray Ray's 2008 highlights it's fair to say I'm psyched for next season.

Is there any reason besides ego to sign a SEVEN-YEAR deal?

2009-03-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

New, improved and unnecessarily 133.33% longer!

Burritos and cornerbacks and fake drafts! Oh, my!

2009-03-05T09:39:00.000-08:00

Some guys I don't know but whose site name I like asked me to participate in a blogger mock draft. So I did. I haven't checked out any of the other selections, and admittedly I didn't put a terribly great amount of research into Baltimore's selection, but I did enough to know that:

Malcolm Jenkins, gone
Vontae Davis, gone
Mike Mickens, taller than those guys from Vandy and Wake

With the 26th overall selection in the Football Burrito Fake Draft, BlogimoreRavens.com selects Mike Mickens, cornerback, Cincinnati:

"With the departure of C-Mac from an already depleted secondary, Baltimore needs a physical corner who can play the run and also take it the house when he gets his hands on the ball. Mickens projects to be that guy. He is a first-round talent with a second-round grade. He tore cartilage in his knee and had surgery in November."

The reign of King Ray continues in Baltimore

2009-03-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

KING RAY: "The bottom line for me is that God always finishes first, and I prayed over this. Over the last six days, I took a backseat and waited to see what would happen. This is part of God's plan, and I couldn't be happier. For me to be here in an area that has become so important to me and my family, that's special, very special."

Thank you, Ray, for coming back to Baltimore. I'm not really in the mood to buy a new jersey, and I made a commitment years ago to never even own another Ravens jersey¹ until you retire. The thought of you finishing your career elsewhere never occurred to me at the time. I suppose denial predates the Wildcat offense, eh?

But what's done is done, and what's done is a three-year deal that means Ray Ray will retire in purple. The agreed-upon offer ($22 million²) appears to be lower than the team's initial offer, so that means ~~Ozzie took my advice~~ for once I hit the nail on the head.

Might Ray be bitter for having to take less than previously offered? I don't think so. Well, I don't think he'll be upset with the Ravens or owner, Steve Bisciotti, who has never been shy about his desire to keep Ray. If Ray's going to be upset, and I imagine he is and will continue to be, I expect he'll direct that anger in two directions: his agent and the 31 teams who ignored him during free agency.

In other news, Baltimore inked a center who has been to the Pro Bowl six times: Matt Birk, who spent the first 11 years of his career with the Vikings and who joins CB Domonique Foxworth, a Baltimore native, as the team's two biggest free agency signings besides Ray.

In other news, part deux, I reached out to the publicist and agent for Sizzle and K-Gregg, respectively, regarding Blogimore interviews, but so far mum is the word.

1: No, folks, not even Flacco.
2: No word yet on how much is guaranteed.