musings of a boy

Right in Front of my Eyes?

2005-08-27T12:19:00.000+08:00

Well just ended my first week of university life and man it's scary. Although it's still really early in the term I can sense an exceptionally heavy and draining work load ahead of me. I really cant afford to mess up my time in university, this is my last chance to make something out of my almost 20 years of education.

A buddy of mine pointed out something very interesting over dinner a couple of days back. When your choices are plentiful you tend to become picky and very very hard to satisfy. You'd want to try everything on the table but yet never content with just one. Well I wonder if this is this true?

Are we naturally programmed to be such ungrateful idiots that although we may have the best right in front of our eyes we can never be really happy and satisfied?

I just hope I am not making this mistake....

I Am Still Alive

2005-08-07T02:09:00.000+08:00

It's been awhile since I have written anything here and there are a couple of reasons for that. Firstly I haven't been in the 'blogging' mood for awhile and secondly and more importantly I have received or actually heard many unpleasant comments about my blog. Many have said that I write here just to impress others. Well I write what I feel and what I think about. I am not here to impress anyone, I am here to express my opinions and to provide myself a means of coherently expressing my feelings. If you do not like what I write please don't bother reading.

I am not exactly sure why but lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about relationships. I have come to the conclusion that a relationship is a very risky affair. Getting seriously involved in a relationship means loosing total control over ones life path. You are now not two individuals walking through lives meandering course but rather one couple, one united soul. The lack of control scares me. No longer will my mistakes be of my own doing but rather it could be the work of my better half. So should we rush into relationships because of a mutual attraction?

I guess if you asked me this a few years back I would have said yes off course but I think at 21 I am mature enough to realize that a mutual attraction is not going to lead to a fulfilling and lasting relationship. I have learnt from a close friend that taking ones time to get to know the person is best. Many couples these days simply rush into a relationship cause they are scared that if they don't move in fast enough they will loose the person. One thing I have learnt from my dad is that if something is meant to be its meant to be. There is no need to fear, but rather take the mutual attraction as an opportunity to get to know each other better and decide if there is a real possibility for a holistic and happy relationship.

Relationships are such fragile things, hearts are broken easy so if you don't have mine you can never break it. A motto to live life by? I hope someone will prove me wrong someday :).

Maturity in Youth

2005-06-27T12:59:00.000+08:00

Sorry guys it's been awhile since I've updated my blog. Well firstly I haven't been particularly inspired to write about anything lately and I spent the good part of a week recovering from my birthday hangover. Thanks to all you guys who made the effort to come down and thanks for the lovely presents. A special thanks to sim, dan and jeremy for looking after drunk me, to lumpy for doing all the running around, to van for supporting me on the dance floor and well to everyone else who helped look after me, love you'll loads.

I wonder how mature or at least socially developed we are to deal with the problems of the less fortunate in our midst. Singapore is always one of the first nation's to provide international aid when disaster strikes elsewhere yet we do not have a comprehensive system to deal with the mentally and physically challenged in our own country.

It is so often you find the handicapped, standing at street corners, selling tissue papers and what not. It's a very sad sight, these people with their handicap's literally begging to make ends meet. This should never be the case. Our society with all its wealth and financial resources should provide a means of social support for these people. If they have no family to support them and have no money of their own the government should absorb them into their various ministries and provide them with meaningful jobs to make a decent days wages. If this is not feasible, private companies should be given incentives by the government to employ the handicapped. Some private organizations are practicing this now, but its prevalence I feel is way too low.

Another disturbing sight these days is to see people with mental handicaps plying the streets lost. So often we see the old aunt walking under the block spouting nonsense at anyone who passes, or the young lady carrying a baby doll in her arms as though it were her child. We rarely give them a second look and just label them as 'siao' and carry on with our day. Sometimes we even shun them and worse still point and mock them. This is the behavior of animals and not a cultured and gracious society, which we claim to be. These people have real mental problems and need treatment, why a country as rich and as small as ours does not have an effective system to identify them and provide the necessary treatment I don't understand.

It is weird to hear the government emphasis so much on how our society should become more cultured, appreciating the arts and the finer things in life, and yet we cant treat the less fortunate in our midst with respect and dignity. Yes it isn't easy to deal with these people it takes a lot of time and patience to talk to them but that isn't an excuses for being rude and disrespectful. Are we all so obessed with rushing and making money that we've lost all sense of humanity and compassion? I know I am generalizing a lot in this article as there are many people out there, some very successful, who are willing to sacrifice their time to help the less fortunate. Those who know me well enough will understand why I write this with so much passion, at the end I hope not to see Singapore become a global economic powerhouse but a souless and loveless nation.

It has taken me awhile to publish this article and I'm glad I waited. I was totally dumbfounded when I found out what you do. You will never realize how much my opinion of you has changed. What you do really takes a lot out of a person and you are truly beautiful to do it. :)

Reflections

2005-06-06T22:09:00.000+08:00

Dark stormy nights with starless skies make me sad.

I just looked up at the sky and it was black, pitch black not a single star in sight. I never felt so alone before. Here I am, one small boy looking up at the heavens and it was empty. I looked all around me and all I saw was darkness, emptiness, loneliness.

The enormity of the day hit me like a brick wall. I am standing on the threshold of manhood, soon in a matter of hours I will be a man, no more a boy.

Somehow though I feel the boy in me died a long time ago. I killed him off, I killed the idealistic boy who so believed in the goodness of people, who believed in the sacredness of love, who sincerely believed that the truth would always prevail, that good always triumphed over evil. Yes many of these beliefs are idealistic and at times impractical but this was me, it defined me. Now I have no idea who I am anymore.

I have for the last couple tried to fill the mould everyone created for me, the rich kid, the playboy, the party animal and whatever so. But then am I really this person or have I forced myself to fit this mould cause it was the 'cool' thing to do? And have I in the process loss my identity, or is this really who I am?

I guess besides the party, turning 21 is a time of self reflection. I hope I can somehow sort out my life and find the real me soon. Luckily I have a lot of time the next couple of months, before uni, to think reflect and pray. Pray yes that is very important, somehow in the last couple of years I have been so caught up in being popular, in being the 'cool', 'happening' one, I have the neglected the most important person in my life, God.

I also need to start spending more quality time with my family. I have taken their love and kindness for granted, I know that no matter how big a jerk I am they would never abandon me, unlike friends. I am really sorry to them especially my mum for the way I have been acting lately, I have neglected the people who truly love me unconditionally.

Well looks like turning 21 is going to be an interesting time in my life to say the least.

Oh but before I forget I'd like to thank all you guys, for making the effort to come down on Wed, it really means a lot to me. A friend told me that I wouldn't miss her if she didn't come, but nope, each and everyone one of you guys hold a special place in my heart and I'd like to share this day with you'll.

ORD LOH!

2005-05-31T00:09:00.000+08:00

The time is almost here. The end is upon me. The chapter will be closed and a new one opened. I am really happy that I am done with my army, for now at least. I finally have the time to do the stuff I wanted to, and no that isn't clubbing excessively cause I am honestly bored of that. Well but the surprising thing is that underneath the happiness I actually feel kinda sad leaving. There are many things I am going to miss about the army but nothing more than the people I have meet there.

I guess I have been sheltered through out my school life. I went to reputable schools and although there were the occasional weirdos I generally mixed with like minded people. People who had life paths similar to mine, walking the same roads, with roughly the same goals.

In the army I have meet people who have been in and out of jail for all sorts of crimes and surprisingly they aren't the monsters that society makes them out to be. Yes they have done stuff which are wrong and criminal, well some of them are seriously screwed up in the mind, but the majority of them committed their crimes in a moment of pure stupidity and some out of desperate need. If given a chance they are actually nice people, good friends who are filled with a lot of remorse and regret for their past. If I was still in school I probably would never be given the chance to meet such people cause we are brainwashed by teachers, parents and many others that these people are monsters that should be avoided at all cost. I guess now thanks to the army I would be more willing to give these people a second chance, a chance to prove they have changed for the better.

Basically I think the army has forced me to interact with an varied mix of characters. Previously I could choose my friends, choose my cliques. In the army I have had learn to work and cooperate with others, even those I normally wouldn't hang out with. I guess I have changed a lot in the army I have matured for sure, but on some levels I think I have become a more cynical person.

I think what I am trying to say is that we tend to judge people too soon. We tend to form an opinion of someone even before we meet them, based on what others have to say. When we hear someone is an ex convict we immediately think of him as a bad person and would treat him as such. This I feel is very very unfair. Everyone deserves a fair chance to prove themselves. I myself am guilty many times of forming opinions of people I don't even know but I hope I can change now that I realize my mistakes.

Love

2005-05-20T00:09:00.000+08:00

'There's no greater love than this, that a man should give his life for a friend'

It is so common these days to hear couples who have been together a matter of days to claim to deeply love each other. Is this true love I wonder? I personally have been in my fair share of relationships and can honestly say that I probably have never really been in love or at least realized it when I was with her. So then I wonder what really is love? The quote above is the ideal, a Christ like unconditional love we can all probably strive towards but very unlikely to achieve.

Love ask not, but gives unconditionally. It is so hard in reality to practice this. When we love someone we raise them up on a pedestal and so our expectations of them are raised. When someone we love behaves out of character and hurts you, your love for that person is replaced by fustration and disappointment. Well this is only human right? How can we continue to love someone who shows little or no desire to reciprocate our love? Maybe it is human behavior to react as such but it isn't the ideal.

I know I myself am guilty of this many times. When someone betrays me I just stop caring for that person totally and at times, I try to find ways to get back at them. It's time I change, it's time I learn to turn the other cheek. The world as it is, is a cold place and I shouldn't be the one making it any worse. Maybe by loving those who hurt me they will see the goodness in my intentions and change. I know this isn't going to be easy to do and I pray dear God for the strength.

When you choose to love someone aren't you suppose to accept them for the person that they are. Love their beauty but also accept their shortcomings, love the person they are and not the person you want them to be.

Refresh?

2005-05-09T22:45:00.000+08:00

A close buddy asked me if I'd the chance to life my live all over again would I do things differently.

There have been so many special, happy and even magical moments in my life that I would give up a lot to experience again but yet there have been many instances of unbelievable pain and heartache. So if given the chance would I not make the same mistakes again, not let myself be hurt and never hurt like I have?

After talking to my buddy I spent sometime reminiscing and realized that I have made some very, very stupid and immature decisions in my life. I have hurt people very dear to me, ruined fantastic relationships and turned friendships sour. But would I change it?

All these actions caused not just myself but others an immense amount of pain, yet somehow I feel I am better off because of them. I see it along the lines of learning things the hard way. I know that because of what I have done and it consequences I would never ever repeat them. The pain has somehow been etched onto my heart and I will never want to feel it again or curse another with it.

I know I am still going to mistakes. I am going to get hurt and I am going to hurt but I hope that I would never repeat the mistakes of my past.

As I approach my 21st I hope I have matured enough to learn from my past and never hurt others like I have. And to those I have hurt, I can only offer you my humblest and most sincere apology and hope you'd forgive me someday.

So bro, no I would not do things differently. I wish there was an easier way to go about it cause I would never want to feel such pain or be the cause of it, but there is no other way for me to have learned.

An Unexpected Source of Joy

2005-04-25T23:19:00.000+08:00

Thanks for the message, thanks for showing that you still care. It is funny how you can still bring a smile to my face with the simplest of gestures. Thanks really for brightening up a relatively crappy week. Thanks my dear girl.... :)

It funny how I have learnt some of life's most important lessons from the strangest of sources. Yesterday as I waiting for the bus on my way back home, there was this black cat perched on a ledge above the bus stop. Initially I didn't take too much notice of it, I so often see cats my neighbor has like a dozen or so. Then this guy probably around my age went up to the cat and started stroking it. The cat seemed so happy purring and cuddling up towards his arm. Soon after a girl arrived at the bus stop and she took notice of the cat too. By now the guy had left and the girl took some pictures of the cat and started stroking it too. The cat immediately jumped of the ledge and cuddled up at her feet. Somehow that still, that one scene seemed so heartwarming.

Fast forward to this morning. We were walking off to play soccer in camp and we saw this cat lying really still under a tree. Assuming that it was probably sleeping we carried on with our game. At the end of the game someone commented that the cat hadn't moved. Upon closer inspection the poor guy was dead.

I wondered if anyone had bothered to pat and stroke the cat like the one at the bus stop. Did the cat purr with happiness and satisfaction before it died? The act of stroking the cat was a simple and easy one but yet seemed to bring immense happiness and comfort.

Many times I look for complicated and extravagant ways of making those around me happy that I tend to forget that in the simplest of actions one experiences the purest of emotions. The simple act of sending me a message to show she still cared made me so happy. Well I hope I can find it in me to appreciate the beauty of a simple phone call, a hug, a message, even just a smile and share them abundantly with those I care for.

A Painful Entry

2005-04-17T23:45:00.000+08:00

I've tried my best to be nice to you guys. I have sacrificed a lot of personal time and stuff so that I can be there for you'll, for your parties and stuff. I have tried my best to be a good friend, yes I have made my mistakes and I do apologies for them, but on the whole my intentions have been good. I don't ask much as a friend from you'll but whatever little I have asked for you guys can't respect. I try my best to make it for all your events but sometimes I just cant and you guys cant get that and just bitch about my attitude. Look my family takes priority and I will cancel on any friend if a family thing crops up and sometimes I just don't like your plans that's why I don't join in. You'd rather I come and be a wet blanket?

But what annoys me the most is all the gossiping going on around my back. I've told most of you'll how much I hate it and yet I discover everyday from new people that you'll just don't have the decency to respect my feelings. What makes the pain even greater is that you'll are supposed to be my good friends people I have trusted with things closest to my heart and you all have twisted and turned it into vicious gossip. Yes I am blessed in many ways and I thank God for that, but I always am willing to share with all of my friends, so please don't expect me to be sorry for my blessings.

I have made a decision and its a painful one. I have decided I shall distance myself from you people, some of you'll read this some of you'll don't, for some time. I know you all will have your reasons, excuses whatever but honestly I am not interested right now. Gossip has wrecked my life before and I am not willing to let it happen again. I just want some peace and tranquility in my life. So please just give me that for the time being.

Opinions

2005-04-10T00:09:00.000+08:00

' We are defined by our actions, not just our words '

The Pope has passed on and the world has lost a great man, a man of morals, a man of peace, a man of compassion and most importantly a man of God. We all have our opinions of him and his role in modern society and for me he has been a beacon of love and compassion in a world torn by struggle. With a bowed head I say a quiet pray that God will welcome him into his kingdom, and I will have the courage to be more like him, and more like Christ.

What interested me as I watched all the documentaries about him was how many people said his only flaw was to be too conservative. His strong stand against contraception, against gays, women in the priesthood were criticized for being too conservative and retarding the growth of the church. Why do we as humans seek so hard to be reassured of our choices, even we though that when we made them others objected to them.

As a catholic I personally disagree with the church's stand on certain issues one of which is the use of artificial contraception. Personally I feel that in a world filled with anger and pain the need for intimacy, physical and emotional, is great. I think sex for the sake of enjoyment and intimacy and with no intent of conception is perfectly fine. The use of condoms in the prevention of Aids is another reason I believe that artificial contraception is fine. Yes abstinence is the best form of prevention but condoms are a relatively decent safety net I guess. Somehow I can appreciate the church and the pope's stand on the matter. He said that making artificial contraception easily available will trivialize and cheapen the sacredness of sex. Despite my disagreement I am appreciative that the church has stuck to its stand and not swayed and given in to pressure. My upbringing has thought me the church's stand, and coupling that along with my daily experiences I have formed my own opinions and views. I do not think they are neither right nor wrong, rather they are just a personal opinion.

Many times my friends ask me for my opinion on certain things they have done and plan to do and myself have burden my friends with such inquires. More often than not we are not seeking an opinion but rather a affirmation of what we have done or plan to do. When I don't agree with my friends' actions he'll probably spend the whole day trying to sell it to me, seeking my support.

Maybe we shouldn't be so dependent on what others think of us. We should learn, and myself very much included, to take the opinions of others and along with our own make an informed decision and be willing to live with whatever consequence that may ensue.

Boy

2005-04-06T11:20:00.000+08:00

I want to be 6 again where every mistake I made was brushed away.'He's too young to know better, poor boy don't get angry with him.' I want to be a boy again being a man isn't as great as I had anticipated. I have to take responsibility I am liable for everything that I do or say and I have to bear the consequences. When I was a young boy everything seemed so perfect life was good, filled with nothing but smiles. Now tears seem to fill the void left by the smile that one beamed from cheek to cheek. I wish my life wasn't so complicated at times. I wish I could just be contented with the simple things but I know I can't, I have built myself to want and yearn for the best and never to settle for anything less. I want so badly to achieve so much in my life, but is it going to make me happy? This purist of success has made me a very blessed man in the eyes of many and yet my life seems so hollow and meaningless. I am missing something from my life which I have tried to fill with everything I can think of, religion, money, partying, girls oh well I know seems weird putting religion with the rest but yes I have tried everything but nothing fills that void. Maybe I am the only one who can fill it. My contentment is all that can fill it. I just want to laugh again like a little kid a laugh that comes from the bottom of my heart a smile that just beams across my face with the least of reason. I want to be a boy again.

'Maxima debetur puero reverentia'

Happy Me?

2005-03-29T14:18:00.000+08:00

We are all different and the experiences we go through, the way we are brought up shapes us into the people that we are. You have your beliefs and your morals do not impose them on others. You are totally entitled to them and we ours just as much. You make it sound like I have no morals what so ever. My parents brought me up to differentiate right from wrong and surprise I still go to church and learn things everyday. I am not perfect I give you that much but neither are you. So stop fucking judging me you are no better than me, you are just different.

'Let he who has no sin cast the first stone'

None of you'll have lived my life. I hear it so often ' Wow vig you are so lucky you have such a great life '. Well trust me you do not even know the crust of it. I do not expect anyone to really understand cause I do not tell you'll about a lot of stuff. I hope you can appreciate that and understand that there are many more underlying reasons for the choices I make in life. I am not justifying what I do cause I don't owe anyone an explanation since I do not feel I am doing any wrong. I am different and I live my life differently but I am still happy, even if it's fleeting. Life is so painful at times that I try my best to embrace happiness at any opportunity I can.

2005-03-21T16:01:00.000+08:00

'In life we all face our share of trials and tribulations, how we handle them differentiates the boys from the men'

I was digging through some stuff in my room and stumbled upon a collection of old pictures. Slowly I looked through them the happy times, the good friends, the dear loves and yet somehow behind those smiles I saw a boy, a boy trying so hard to find his calling in this world.

As I have grown I have tried hard to find out who it is I really am. I read in a friend's blog recently about us wearing mask and not being comfortable with the person we really are. That got me thinking about whether we really wear a mask out of our insecurities or out of necessity. You see I realized something recently I serve a different function to different people in my life. To my boss I am a diligent personal assistant, to my drinking pals a party animal, to my parents a filial son and so on and so forth. Am I wearing a mask then to my parents when they don't get to see the drinking champ in me, or my friends when they don't know the diligent and hardworking clerk? I keep my relationships independent, I give to each one what they want out of me. That makes them happy and I find peace of mind and joy in knowing that.

Sometimes I wonder if I have a split personality but I doubt it cause I know as a whole I am a complete person. All the different 'mask' I wear make me the person that I am. I have found it challenging at time juggling between these. I am on some levels sick and tired of it. I am a person, a holistic one with his flaws and all. I guess my family know me best probably having seen most sides of me. At the end of the day I hope someone can appreciate all the 'mask' that I wear but I think that will be hard. Cause I myself cant love all the roles I play.

At the end of the day I realize I got to change certain aspects of my life. I hope I can do that along the way.

Maybe 20 yrs down the road, when I look at the photos I took, I wont see a boy lost, but rather a man who lives his life with purpose and meaning.

Looking Back Towards Tomorrow

2005-03-15T00:06:00.000+08:00

'Every man dies, but not every man really lives'

One day I will lie in my coffin this mortal life of mine having come to an end. I just wonder if that instance would be now this very moment, would I have really lived my life?

I look back at my life with a bitter sweet smile. I have had many painful experiences some brought upon by others but many the work of my own hands. I look back at these with the benefit of hindsight and realize my stupidity. Yet despite this realization I still cling on so dearly to some of these habits, old habits die hard I guess. I want to let go off them but somehow the fear of the unknown is greater than the remorse of indulgence.

I look back at the friends I've had. I have on many instances fallen short as a friend, letting my friends down, not being there when they most needed me. To all of you'll I am sorry, I will try my best again. Yet there have been those whom I have gone out of my way to help and be a good friend only to have them turn around and stab me oh so painfully. Most importantly to my closest and dearest friends know this that I really love each and everyone of you'll and you each hold a special place in my heart, an irreplaceable place.

The most important people in my life, my family. The happiest and saddest times I have had in my life thus far have been with these people, those I love more than life itself. As I reminisce I regret so much all the times I have caused my parents grief. If there was one thing God would allow me to go back and change, I would never ever make my family upset again by my stupidity.

I guess I have fallen short in many aspects in my life. I just hope that by writing this and with maturity on my side I will try my best to change and truly live my life.

As I lie in my coffin the happiest words I can ever hear one say,
'Because he lived I was able to breathe easier'

Insecurity

2005-03-05T17:18:00.000+08:00

"Have you been spending more time with him? Oh so he's good company is it? I am not the same to you anymore now that you know him I guess"

On certain levels everyone of us are insecure. We look at the people around us and wonder what is it we have that will differentiate us. Are we honestly as good as them, as good a friend, as good a lover.

The closer we get to someone, emotionally and even physically, the closer we want to hold them to us. We never want to let them go. We want to rest in the comfort of their smile knowing that we are special to them, we are different from everyone else they know cause we share something special, something intimate. So when we start seeing someone else get closer to them our green horns start to show. We feel threatened. Are we going to loose that special relationship, are we going to be replaced? Our natural reaction is to become possessive.

We are all guilty of this at times. I myself am guilty of this not too long ago. But I learnt something from the last incident and that is this. If 2 people really have a special, unique and intimate relationship no one can ever take that away except the 2 people who share it. Being possessive benefits no one but to stifle a relationship.

A great relationship is just like a handful of sand, hold it to tightly and loose everything, hold it too loosely and the sand just falls out but hold it just right and you'd never loose a grain.

2005-02-28T22:35:00.000+08:00

Haven't written anything for abit, been bogged down with work and well nothing intelligent has actually passed through the hollow pit between my ears in recent days. But today is different. It's a Monday the dawn of a new week and hopefully a much less stressful week then the last.

'If it's meant to, it's meant to be'

Ok my friend, let's call him Mr. Z, told me that. This guy likes a girl but he doesn't want to do anything about it. He asked me for my advice and I told him to go for her, charm her and do your best to win her heart over. Bascially be there for her and do all the small little things that will really touch her and show her you really do love her. He on the other hand had reached the conclusion that he shall do nothing different since they are already good friends and if its meant to be it will happen naturally. Ok wait I wonder why he asked for my advice when he had already concluded what to do. Come to think of it maybe he didn't even ask for it I may have just given him my 2 cents worth.

Well I have heard this advice many times actually it's one of me daddy's favorite lines. His is abit more exaggerated (Indian la cant help it must always make things more colourful), 'Son in life sometimes things are beyond our control they are in the hands of God, so if they are meant to be they are meant to be'. I don't know why but I have always seen this as a very defeatist attitude, no offence to anyone but its my personal opinion. I find it hard to accept that in our very own lives there are things beyond our control. Makes me feel very unimportant and insignificant. I am not even able to control the my own life.

Well people opinions. Is it true in life that if its meant to be its meant to be there is nothing much we can do about it?

Maturity

2005-02-20T00:10:00.000+08:00

As we turn 21, one by one, we take our final step out of childhood and into adulthood. In modern times turning 21 isn't as big a deal as it used to be. Yeah we all will have the big parties and all night drinking sessions but essentially there will be little change in our lives.
Well maybe we should consider that turning 21 may entail additional responsibilities. What we say and what we do have consequences and we no longer have the convenient excuses of immaturity....

Protect

2005-02-17T20:51:00.000+08:00

"I want to protect you from everything that isn't beautiful in this world, but who's going to protect you from me"

Fights, fights and more fights

2005-02-10T13:08:00.000+08:00

Just woke up from a night at zouk. Man was it a weird night. Firstly it was so crowded there was even a queue for members. Haha how often you see that eh. Anyway the club was packed to the rafters and there was a guy to girl ratio of 10:1. So logic would say then that the guys would just try to make the best out of a bad situation and hang out with their buddies, drink and dance the night away. No no that can't happen right, cause we all know which head guys use to think, especially when they have blown all their hang bao money on booze eh.

So here's a little snippet into the idiosyncrasies of guys in the club. Ok by the time I went to phuture it was around 1230, most of the girls there by then had hooked up. But considering the ratio there were alot of lonely guys. Then new waves of girls came in. I swear there was literally crowds of guys following them. I could understand that if the girls looked like shu qi, nicole kidman oh and my latest favorite jojo (ok I am a pedophilia at heart haha). No they are just your average janes and some even below average. Anyway blah blah blah and then they all start fighting, the guys that is, over what ever remnants of the female species there was. Guess what their genius actions lead to, all the girls leaving. So I decided I shall head over to members where some of the guys were and plus I assume it be safer. On my was to members I witnessed another 2 fights along the zouk corridors. So finally I make my way to members in one piece. Meet up with gavin & co and enjoy a glass of wine. Then I turn my back for a second to talk to a friend and next thing I know I am being pushed against the wall and someone broke a wine glass at my feet. Another damn fight. Oh babe hope your nose is all cleared up eh? Haha.

Here's what I have to say now. Guys there is no harm in wanting to hook up with chicks at clubs none what so ever, actually I encourage it. But as PCK would say, 'Use your blain, use your blain'. Come on you see that the odds of you finding an available chick is as good as you striking the CNY toto maybe its time to change your modus operandi? Maybe you should focus more on some good ol' fashion male bonding. Some beer, some drinking games and some damn cheesy mambo dance moves. Then if you happen to find some chicks well and good if not nevermind. No expectations no disappointment.

Oh and the next time any of you idiots decide to fight you better not spill my wine. Never ever waste good alcohol idiots never ever.

Miss You

2005-02-07T13:37:00.000+08:00

I have never felt closer to anyone before
And yet now you seem so distant
Just a fleeting memory washed along in a sea of emotions
The days we walked hand in hand
The gentle touch of your fingers
The sweet smile which dissolved all my cares
You were so special to me
We promised that we will never leave each other
And yet fate dealt us such a painful blow
Now you are not much more than a memory
One that I will cherish forever
But still a memory and nothing more than a damn memory
I miss you.....

When I looked back at the times we had I wonder what is it I really miss. I miss you I miss the time we spent together, the laughter, the tears, the late nights cuddled up watching the stars, the busy evenings rushing around. All this I miss but most importantly I miss the companionship. The friend, the lover, the confidant. I know you have moved on and I on some levels have. I hope someday I will find someone as special as you. It's going to be hard but oh god please help me.

You will always have a special place in my heart my dear. A place reserved for a special person, reserved for the person who can make me laugh and cry, for the one who showed me how infinite my love actually is, a place for my first love.

Cherish

2005-02-05T22:58:00.000+08:00

Something struck me whilst I was watching TV just now. I was watching the week in review and during the show they interviewed some Iraqis on the elections this week. There was this old man who displayed a honest and some what child-like joy at the elections which in his words, 'were a new beginning for our country'. In Singapore we have been fortunate to have had democratic elections for many decades yet not many of us, well practically none of us are actually excited or even grateful for the chance to vote. Yes this may not be a very good example considering the stifling political environment in Singapore, but the point I am trying to make is that we have come to see elections as a right and not a privilege anymore. This is something which relates very well to human relations. We tend ever so often to take those closest to us for granted. We see their forgiveness, their understanding as a right and not a privilege, a blessing.

Sometime ago I had a quarrel with a friend, she was really upset over the way I was treating my best friend. She had no problem with the way I was treating her actually she did tell me I treated her kinda well. Rather she felt that I was taking advantage of my best friend's kindness. Off course in the heat of the moment I denied everything. I told her it was unfair of her to jump to conclusions and make judgments about my character without realizing my relationship with my best friend. It is still true that there have been many instances that my best friend has done things which have angered and I have done my share of things which I aint too proud of either but none the less he has always been there for me. But in hindsight I have realized that she was right I was abusing his kindness. I knew we were close and I knew that he would forgive me, our friendship was worth more than all my little idiotic actions right?

Well to the both of you'll I am sorry. I guess what you saw wasn't that far from the truth and I guess I could have reacted in a much better way. Well and to me best friend sorry I have taken you for granted at times, at the expense of sounding gay, you have been there for me when I most needed a friend and thanks.

This is just one of many examples I guess in my life. There have been those who cared for me, even loved me and what did I do them? I hurt them and badly at that. I am sorry for what I have done to those of you'll. I guess with hindsight all these experiences have shaped me into the person I am now. I know I will make the same mistakes again I just hope that they will become less frequent with time and hopefully stop altogether.

Intro

2005-01-30T10:57:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone. Welcome to the mind of the one the only Vignesh Louis Naidu. Haha ok well what ever of the mind that the booze hasn't already destroyed. In recent times I have come to realize that I am a different person to each and everyone of my friends. So I figured that maybe through this blog I can let you'll see another side of me. One that I don't often share. This is my thoughts and my feelings lying naked, lying they for you'll to inspect and scrutinize. I hope that this will give you'll a better understanding of the workings of Vignesh. Well guys happy reading and I welcome all feedback pls...
Love ya'll,
Vig