Life's Negotiations

Snow!

2008-12-19T11:40:00.010-05:00

We're having our first snow of the year today. Walking around the city, you can just feel the extra spring in everyone's step.

I love the familiar quiet that comes with snow. Landing so effortlessly and beautifully. Its presence is felt. There is no need to make a big production about it.

Getting philosophical here -- there's something profound about that.

So much of our time is spent making sure we're heard and seen by others. Shouting, waving arms, jumping up and down. Maybe we have it all wrong.

What about instead if, like the snow, we knew our presence would be felt without saying a word. We would be acknowledged and appreciated for what we bring. What if we could change how people see what's around them, just by us being here.

What if all of that is already true and we just need to recognize that it's happening?

Gift Idea - Kick Start for 2009

2008-12-17T10:37:00.004-05:00

You have been good this year. Here's a holiday/recession-special just for you.

After the gluttony of the holidays, many of us think about taking better care of ourselves inside and out. A coach, like a personal trainer, is a great way to get motivated to make the changes you want for yourself.

Who doesn't need that?

During this one-time phone session, you'll have the chance to get organized, set resolutions and create a strategy for making them happen. All of this with an expert coach to listen, support and challenge you to go for it.

What: Kick Start for 2009

Who: You, or a friend

When: Between now and January 31, 2009

Cost: $10 for one 45-minute phone call

Contact me to schedule your session. There is no obligation to continue coaching after our call - unless you want to!

Odds & Ends

2008-12-08T11:05:00.005-05:00

Just returned from a week away in the sunshine on Cabarete beach in the Dominican Republic. Good food, welcoming people, and inspired landscapes for photography.

While away I appeared in a blog post by Charles Orlando, author of The Problem With Women...is Men." In it, he talks about whether it's possible for men and women to have platonic relationships. Here is my quote:

"This subject is of interest to me personally, as I navigate being married and wanting close male friends. Currently I have a couple close male friends and get a lot out of the interaction. With any friend there is the opportunity to establish an emotional bond, to become emotionally involved you could say. With opposite-sex friends (plus you and possibly their partners) boundaries are vital. The male-female dynamic provides an opportunity for attraction, the added layer that can derail the connection felt into something much deeper that can put pressure on a marriage/committed relationship. If there are problems already, there is a risk of this friendship filling in the blanks or overriding it.
The truth: You can’t get everything from one relationship. Your partner can be great, and you can also appreciate what other friends (male and female) bring to your life. If bonds, regardless of gender, are established from this place they can be healthy and rewarding. I would say that this speaks to how many of my male friendships have formed. Though I have sensed some attraction at times, the value of the friendship far outweighs the what-could-be feeling."

I have blogged and twittered about this topic too. It's weighty. I think many of us see the value of opposite sex friends, but are also challenged how to do it without hurt feelings or misunderstandings for anyone involved.

I'd love to hear what you think. Is it possible? How are you able to keep opposite-sex friends and be in a relationship?

The Mom Effect: How Our Mothers Shaped Us As Women

2008-11-17T15:15:00.009-05:00

One of the topics that I love is how our beliefs are shaped.

Most of us, myself included, have rules we live by that aren't necessarily our own. Or rather not originally. At some point we acquired them and have since come to believe that they are true.

I'm making no judgement here whether these beliefs are neutral, good or bad. It can be something simple like socks always get tied in a knot before going into the drawer. (My husband is a one-sock-fits-into-the-other person.) It can be much more complex than that too.

More specifically I'm fascinated by the role our mothers, or mother-figures, have played in shaping us as women. Sure my husband's sock conviction is from his mom, but you learn a lot of gender-specific information from the biggest same-sex presence in your life.

Things like:

Sexuality and sensuality - what is sexy?
Relationships, from choosing your partner to how you argue
The importance of female friendships, including how you make them and keep them
Being a 'good mom' - does it mean being selfless?

Mom is not the only one who has shaped your beliefs about these things. She probably was one of the first though. My point is that we carry around these ideas sometimes without thinking about whether they are helpful.

I often work with my life coaching clients on making the right decisions for them (as opposed to what everyone else thinks they should do). The motherhood question is one of those.

When it's difficult for you to make a decision, it can be because several of your values are in conflict with one another. It helps to figure out what ones you truly value and which ones you've been carrying around because that's the only way you thought it could be. Mom, Dad, teachers or past events tend to be the culprit for their shelf life.

Back to our mothers and mother-figures. I would love to hear from other women about how your woman-ness was shaped by your mom. I'd call it femininity but it seems much broader than that (and a less-fun word :)).

In conversation recently with women in their 30's, we shared that cultivating self-esteem is something many of us had to figure out on our own. That moms of previous generations, with notable exceptions, went from adolescence to motherhood without really figuring themselves out so they didn't know how to help their daughters. Going to college, having careers, marrying later - not to mention women's lib - allowed us time to learn more about ourselves. In turn, some of us are role models for our moms in this regard.

How did your mother help you navigate being a woman? How did her beliefs hinder you? What other ways do you think mothers affect their adult daughters?

Please comment here with your thoughts, or contact me directly. I look forward to hearing from you!

Observation as Art

2008-11-12T10:22:00.007-05:00

Last night I began a six-week class with Danny Gregory, an artist who has developed a following for his illustrated journals.

Rather than journaling about thoughts and feelings, he encourages people to remove preconceived assumptions about the objects around us. To sit still long enough to observe what's really going on: at the breakfast table, in your medicine cabinet, even with your favorite pair of shoes. (Last night we started by drawing our hands.)

A topic close to my heart - and what brought me to my first life coach - was how to be creative in my daily life. I loved traveling to Italy to an art workshop in the mountains and taking classes like this one that introduce new ideas. The real challenge is bringing the lessons and energy I get from these experiences into the day-to-day.

I still have to clean the bathroom and pay bills, but that doesn't mean I have to be stuck in the mundane. It also doesn't have to be mundane. Could there be a way to enjoy chores? If there is, I'm definitely interested.

Gregory's premise is that illustrated journals can easily fit into your life. As children, we drew all the time so the muscle was fully developed. Picking up a pen and conquering a blank sheet of paper may not feel natural to start, but it will come back. Observing and recording the objects around us can take anywhere from 2 minutes to an hour, and can be scribbled on the edge of a piece of paper in a ballpoint pen. Creating this way means the work doesn't have to be perfect. It can happen anywhere. And most important - it makes all of us artists.

Sure after a while you may get bold, like he has, and incorporate watercolor and produce your own books. In the meantime, enjoy it for what it is: quiet time for observation.

Women, Put Yourself First

2008-11-10T18:49:00.007-05:00

I ran across this article today in the Miami Herald called "Women, stop putting others first." The author is a coach, like me, and also like me we've come across clients who have trouble putting themselves first. Because of guilt, responsibility, getting self-worth out of being needed. You name it.

Often this can stand in the way of someone signing up for life coaching. She (primarily) can see the value but doesn't think she has time to fit coaching into her schedule. Among the reasons - not seeing how giving yourself an hour a week can help you stay more focused the rest of the time. It's the same concept for why it's a good idea to take vacation from work. To recharge so you can come back ready to tackle the next assignment. (Although as a society we're not good at that either.)

So back to the reasons why you don't have time for something you know has value. This author, and I have to agree with her, says it's about priorities. If you are always at the bottom of the list, you will stay there. That's too bad, because I think you're pretty great and deserve better.

In her article, the author plays bad cop for a bit -- pushing her readers to see that they are the ones standing in their own way. She does so by asking leading questions assuming that she knows your answer already and it's not good.

It's a useful technique to kick your butt. I prefer a different approach, though. Helping you to see that you are worth it. Everyone else is important and so are you. Consider:

For you to be at your best, what do you need?
How can you begin to give yourself this right now? What's an easy first step?
How can other people, including me, support you in getting what you need?

If these questions intrigue you at all, I hope you'll contact me about a free coaching session over the phone. It's a great way to see if coaching is right for you, and to re-prioritize in a constructive, goal-oriented, and soulful way.

A Dating Guide for Marrieds

2008-11-10T10:54:00.005-05:00

Or: how to have opposite-sex friends and be in a committed relationship.

I came to this topic, frankly, because I'm married and I enjoy having male friends. With them, I get to see new perspectives, laugh at gender differences and (sometimes) innocently flirt. Some of my favorite friends are male so I couldn't imagine having to pick between being married, which I also enjoy, and any of them.

This is easier said than done though. It is a gray area and a fairly new topic given just a couple generations ago (and in some cultures right now) it was unheard of for men and women to converse outside of a family. Now work-wives and work-husbands in the office are commonplace.

Thankfully, we have the option to be friends with anyone we want. Although these relationships can still pose problems for the people involved, from hurt feelings and jealousy to cheating and breakup. There is a danger of the emotional bond as friends turning into an emotional dependency or emotional involvement as much more.

In the past week I posed this question on Facebook and Twitter. The answers were varied and fascinating. If you're reading this and have something to say, I encourage you to weigh in!

What makes this topic so ripe for discussion is that there are no easy answers. Much of this depends on you, your partner, your friend (and his/her partner).

Want opposite-sex friends and a healthy, committed relationship? Things to consider:

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries - this means more than what you consider appropriate (long phone calls, or a night out with just your friend). It also includes the boundaries of everyone else involved. If your partner is uncomfortable, you two need to face it. Your friend has nothing to do with that. The reverse is true with your friend and his/her partner too.

Trust - duh. No relationship is going to work without it. Of most importance again is the trust between you and your partner. You two have to believe that your relationship is sacred, and to appreciate why having other friends can add to that. No one person can be everything to someone else. We need the support and friendship of other people to be fulfilled.

Honesty - this seems obvious too, but is usually the first thing to go. If you think your partner might not like you hanging out with this friend, you are faced with two options. Secrecy, or, as Joselin Linder, co-author of The Good Girl's Guide to Living in Sin, put it, "Bring your partner into the friendship first." Let them see what's so great about your friend, and that there is nothing to worry about.

This topic prompted great conversation with my husband about each of our opposite-sex friendships. I hope it does for you too. Please jump in with any anecdotes or what you see as the positives of opposite-sex friendships.

Highly Sensitive People Unite!

2008-11-03T15:33:00.003-05:00

I was just featured in a column in Positive Health by Handan Satiroglu about Highly Sensitive People (HSP). A few years ago I learned this term meant people who are sensitive to extremes of light and sound, and I finally understood that I wasn't alone in this feeling.

The term was coined by Dr Elaine Aron in her book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. In it, she provides questions to help determine if you are a HSP - from whether you were called introverted or shy as a child, to if you need to withdraw after a busy day to a quiet, dark place to refuel. I remember being surprised that other people actually avoided scary movies and overwhelming situations. I thought it was just me!

I fully realize that this group is in the minority and living in a major city I can't do a lot about street noise. However, knowing what I require to perform at my best helps me make better decisions. Avoiding back-to-back parties, choosing muted colors for my bedroom or even turning off the bing! sound my computer makes when I receive a new email or IM. To me, this little things make a huge difference.

In fact, I think this sensitivity gives me a unique perspective on life. Why else would my photos tend toward the tiny, rarely seen moments that happen in the natural world. Tree bark, the veins on a leaf. I think my sensitivity to subtle changes helps make me a good coach, a good friend and a good neighbor.

Taking it one step further....having highly sensitive people in the world ensures balance. People who are go-getters and stage stealers, and people who see what's really happening below the surface.

Simple Shoes: Eco-Comfort for Your Feet

2008-10-27T12:38:00.002-04:00

I reviewed Simple Shoes recently for the website, Qwowi.com. Take a look!

Don't Fall Off Your Edge!

2008-10-22T13:51:00.011-04:00

Spoke to my friend, James, the other day about the Middle Ages when everyone thought the world was flat. Remember those drawings where sailing vessels fell off the edge of the Earth into oblivion?

We all have that same edge. In front of it is our known world: who we are, what we know to be true. Beyond it is the unknown. Our hopes and dreams live there.

Just like sailors in the Middle Ages, it can be scary approaching the edge, because you don't know if what's beyond it is everything you ever wanted or the worst possible/death.

James posed this question to himself when considering his own edge: if it's true that my hopes and dreams (and happiness and authentic self) are beyond this edge, what do I already have to help me get to the other side?

It's probably not things like "I don't think I can do this."

I've spent the last few weeks with an amazing group of women deciding whether we want to be mothers. Right now I'm at a middle ground, knowing that children will be part of my life but not knowing how. I am reaching my edge, and the 'how' is definitely on the other side.

I posed "What do I already have to help me with this journey?" (feels like I'm packing for an exotic trip) and I was reminded the special thrill I get from doing things in my own way. I like to forgo convention and turn naysayers into my biggest supporters. I get excited thinking that my role with children will be unique and meaningful, and I could be a model for adults in the process.

Knowing this makes it easier for me to not know the rest, and to move forward anyway.

Redirecting Worry

2008-10-13T10:40:00.009-04:00

With the economy on everyone's mind, it's no wonder that I spoke to several people recently about worry. Potential job loss and 401(k) deflation can keep you up at night, or at least checking your balance often.

While it doesn't pay to be Pollyanna, the energy wrapped up in worrying puts a damper on actually doing something positive about it.

For example, say you're starting a new business right now. You want to be your own boss and have a great idea that you know will attract customers if you can just get

the business off the ground.

Getting in the way of taking the big leap with this new venture is what you're hearing on the news. How can I jump now when I don't know what will happen?

First, you never know what will happen. Consider what you would do if you launched your business (or went after this goal) six months ago. How would you handle the teetering economy as a small business owner?

Next, I believe that it's possible to make smart-and-impassioned choices. You don't have to stay in a safe job you hate, and you also don't have to quit without any idea how you'll make ends meet.

So where is the middle ground?

What counts is where you put your focus. Think about how to provide for your needs and move forward with the new business. All of that time spent worrying about your 401(k) - which you never looked at before now - needs to be redirected into working toward your goals. Not against them.

Visualize for a moment how much time and mental/emotional energy is absorbed in worrying about the economy (or whatever subject). How many minutes in a typical hour does this consume? What is the result of that worry? Do you get anything out of it?

Now consider a scenario where that same amount of time and energy was put into helping you achieve the goal you most want. It's probably more time and energy than you're currently putting into the goal. And, what could result from this effort? I bet a lot more...in fact likely more than you imagine.

Can We Be Happy Already?

2008-09-26T16:56:00.004-04:00

I'm reading a book on happiness right now, and it made me think about its connection to life coaching.

Most clients want to improve their lives or be more successful doing what they love. Part of the process ends up being learning to enjoy where you are right now. Without the ability to appreciate how special and awesome we each are, there is no sense in going after something new.

Otherwise, how will you ever know that you have what you want?

As Americans, I find we're really good at striving. We're less good, or just plan awful, at being satisfied. Maybe satisfied for 10 minutes after getting the promotion you worked hard for, after seeing the sunset while on vacation, or after finishing your first marathon.

But then what happens? Likely, you move right back to striving again - setting your sights on a new mountain to climb.

I have faith that we all (myself included) can do better than 10 minutes. The longer you can savor whatever you have accomplished or your life is right now, the better. A week, a month, a year of savoring are all possible.

There is a common misconception that being happy means you won't be successful. Reminiscing is for retirees or people on their deathbeds. There is no rest for everyone else. There is just more to do and to be.

On the contrary, I think that both can happen simultaneously. You can be happy with your life, and successfully moving forward. The difference is that what you are moving towards is more aligned with what makes you happy, rather than moving toward anything that keeps you moving. Or, that keeps you on pace with the other unhappy strivers around you.

Before you can focus on moving, though, you really need to get down the whole being happy part.

Here's one method: jot down five things you're happy about right now. Repeat this every time you think of it during a day. Before you get up in the morning, before you go to bed, every time you leave your desk. Make it part of your to-do list.

From there, you can branch out any number of ways. For instance, asking yourself what makes me most happy. When are my happiest moments during the day? What does this say about what I'm doing, and what I'm currently striving for? If you're deciding between two things: which of these brings me more happiness? How do I extend this feeling into everything I do?

The choices are endless. Mostly this exercise is a chance to get to know yourself better. To understand where your motivation lies and to slow yourself down. I hope you'll share your own tips for what works for you.

The Hazards of Girl Talk

2008-09-12T16:59:00.017-04:00

The New York Times had an interesting article about how friendships, and the act of sharing too much or too often, can be detrimental to your self-esteem.

Friendships are important for promoting self-esteem, but I think the author, Sarah Kershaw, makes an important point. If we look to friends to wallow with us in what-if scenarios and doubt for an extended period of time, our feelings will continue to spiral.

This quote from a college sophomore, Patricia Letayf, caught my attention:

"It’s like you want to solve a problem whatever it may be, but the advice of one person never satisfies you and you’re constantly on the hunt for more advice," she said. "I think a lot of times you are looking for empathy and you want someone to feel the way you do. You want your feelings to be justified. In the end, I hope to feel better. You want them to say, ‘It’s O.K. he dumped you, you failed the test.’ You’re seeking reassurance."

Comforting a friend doesn't have to mean a nose-dive for both of you.

I've mentioned before that when bad things happen we often don't know what to say. Negative spirals can start very innocently this way. Your friend is upset. You want to comfort her. So, you end up saying how badly you feel for her or jump right to how she can solve her problem.

I liked this quote because it reminded me how important it is to feel understood. When I'm upset, I just want to be heard and for my friend to be supportive as I find the right solution for me. If I need to discuss the solution, I'll ask.

We jump to solving a friend's problem for lots of different reasons: because we think it's what our friend wants; because the solution seems obvious; or because we're not listening.

An alternative strategy:

Set aside your own agenda (like "I need to help her" or "I know just what to do").

Listen to what your friend is saying.

Ask, "What do you need?"

Do what she says.

You get to be a good friend and next time you have a problem, you get what you need in return.

To Baby or Not To Baby? That Is The Question...

2008-09-09T18:11:00.002-04:00

The following is my reply to an article in Huffington Post's Living section on a newlywed couple decision about having children.

Tamsen - thank you for expressing what quite a few of us married 30-somethings only whisper about at cocktail parties (where we hope our pregnant and mom friends can't hear us). Being happy shouldn't be about kids or not, you're absolutely right. And it shouldn't be assumed what your decision is before you've made it.

Deciding about being a mother feels like a taboo subject. Speaking for women here and not the guys, why can't we support each other - no matter whether we're mothers, are having trouble getting pregnant, haven't made up our minds yet, or decided against having children. Who better to understand the decision and all it entails than another woman.

I got to thinking why I'm so uncomfortable about people asking about when/if I'm becoming a mother. I think part of it is because I'm not confident about my decision yet. I just don't know, though I know I'm happy, but it doesn't seem a strong enough point when talking with other people.

Quick plug: With that in mind, I co-designed a six week-series over the phone for women on the fence just like me. We get to look at whether we want to become mothers in a supportive environment, and hopefully each making a decision by the end that we can feel confident about. I hope you'll consider attending, or passing the information along to others. Details: www.groundedinpotential.com/mommydrama

Happy almost anniversary. Hope you two continue to have fun together.
About Relationships

Looking for a Change? Look Around

2008-08-28T14:40:00.003-04:00

I came across this blog post today in the US News & World Report's On Careers section.

The author, Curt Rosengren, points out that if you are looking to make a change in your life, start by looking at the company you keep. The people you spend time with can either challenge you to grow, or keep you second guessing yourself into submission.

A client looking to change careers recently told me about negativity she is experiencing. Certain loved ones question her decision to jump now during a soft economy. Some of that is coming from their concern for her, and some is coming from their own limited (and limiting) beliefs.

It helps to surround yourself with positive people when making an important decision. You're not likely to jump blindly into something new, so the naysayers aren't necessary. Instead what's needed is moral support to make the best decision for you. That means listening to people who believe in you.

This advice about the company you keep can also be applied to making new friends. Say you want to become a writer, one step could be finding and fostering friendships with other writers. By association, you pick up pointers for how to be successful, and also get into the spirit of what it's like being a writer. The transition then becomes a natural one.

Look around - what do the people in your life bring to you, and what more are you looking for?

Births Up -- No, Down!: Stats and the Politics of Fertility Anxiety

2008-08-28T11:44:00.003-04:00

My response to a blog this week in the Huffington Post about the U.S. birth rate and pressure being put on women about motherhood:

Hi Elizabeth - thanks for deciphering the birth rate statistics, and for bringing to light the pressure put on women to have children NOW.

I often hear from fellow women in their early 30's that, "I better start now." Not I *want* to start now, but almost that they are giving in. You know I'm not getting any younger (at 32) and my biological clock is ticking (for another decade), so I guess now is a good time. You guess?

Many of us, myself included, are happy with where we are in our lives right now. There is a fear around regretting not having kids... and perhaps not knowing that you regret it until after it's too late. Too late, the all important statement that makes people decide NOW despite not being sure.

It sometimes feels taboo to mention in mixed company (especially friends who are pregnant or mothers) that you aren't sure if it's right for you. To understand what's holding many of us back from making a decision, I designed a six-week series for women to air their concerns in a supportive environment. If you know someone interested, I hope you'll pass along this information: www.groundedinpotential.com/mommydrama.

Keep up the great work!

To be or not to be a mother

2008-08-25T16:52:00.003-04:00

At a certain age and after being married a few years, the inevitable question seems to be on everyone's lips: "Are you going to have kids?"

Sometimes, I really hate that question. I have this faint sense that at some point children will come into the picture, but right now, and in the forseeable future, being married and having my own business seems like more than enough. I'm really happy.

Mulling over the decision becomes infinitely more difficult when other people start weighing in. I don't think I need to apologize or explain myself, yet that's not always how I feel.

For how natural the subject of motherhood is, talking about it - even among women - is not easy. Whether you're trying, having trouble or deciding not to try at all, we're pretty mum about the whole thing. You'd think, as women, we'd be able to support each other through all of these stages.

With that in mind, my friend Sheila and I designed a six-week series for women to talk through every part of this important decision in a supportive environment. More information is here.

I hope you'll join us!

Does a 'Bro Code' Truly Exist?

2008-08-21T11:57:00.005-04:00

Last night I was thinking about an episode from "How I Met Your Mother". The characters talk about someone breaking 'The Bro Code' by sleeping with his best friend's ex-girlfriend.

Memories of dating flooded back to me. It happened all of the time - flirting with guys who you knew your friend also liked, and more. Not only was I the dejected one pushed aside by the new couple, but also, ahem, the code-breaker. (Sorry about that.)

Is interest from the opposite sex more important than friendship?

When I started down the road of thinking that this is special only to women, my husband set me straight. Apparently both sexes break 'The Code'.

So what is the push to do this - crazy hormones? The intoxicating feeling of mutual attraction?

If 'The Bro Code' is a myth, then how does friendship survive? There is a connection to values here. By not stopping to think through a decision, we can put short-term fun before long-term friendship and trust. The ramifications are wider than dating too -- keeping secrets, career ascension, even raising kids.

It comes down to making decisions, any decision, based on what's most important to you and that means taking the time to figure out what that is.

Reviews: Ice Cream, Hertz, Crate&Barrel, Sanpellegrino

2008-08-18T18:41:00.005-04:00

I mentioned a while back about my new writing gig at Qwowi.com, a bunch of us talking about products we can't get enough of.

When I'm not posting here, I've been busily adding reviews on Qwowi. Here are my latest:

Eco-friendly Ice Cream: this is a two-part review, first on yummy Manhattan-based ice cream called VanLeeuwen. Second on the biocompostable spoons and cups they use, and that are available to any store or consumer to order online from WorldCentric.org.
Customer Service is not dead, though it sometimes feels that way: I talk about two recent experiences with Hertz and Crate and Barrel.
Sipping on Sanpellegrino Limonata: I don't know about where you are, but it's been hot here. For those of us who can't have caffeine, this effervescent loveliness is sure to please. (Warning about the calories.)

There you have it. Feel free to check these out and add your own opinions.

Reinventing Stay-at-Home

2008-08-05T17:51:00.003-04:00

I had to share this article on CNN.com called: "No kids, no job for growing number of wives."

I'm impressed at reporter Sarah Jio's middle-of-the-road approach of what could be a contentious topic. Married women choosing homemaking, with or without children.

What attracted me to the story was that I am at home most weekdays. Though I'm working on two businesses while there, I often feel the need to defend myself to others. Yes, I work hard. No, I'm not eating bon-bons (though if some were in the house, I would).

To consult and coach out of a home office was a conscious choice. I think I defend the decision because it goes against my perception of what others think I should be doing. Pretty convoluted.

This article is about women choosing to do what they want, and who have found partners who support their choice. I've done the same and love it. So forget the apologies, let's celebrate!

Are You a Writer?

2008-07-24T19:07:00.004-04:00

If so, come with me to the Rocky Mountain Contemplative Writer's Retreat in August.

Taking place at the gorgeous Shambala Mountain Center two hours from Denver, you'll have one-on-one access to a world-class writer/editor plus you can hike, meditate, get a massage and be coached while you're there. All in for $390. The retreat is August 24-28.

Check out the details here. Info on the center is here.

For What It's Worth

2008-07-24T17:25:00.005-04:00

Had a great session with a massage therapist today, of the cranial-sacral variety. He's helping me with scar tissue from a surgery four years ago.

He's a licensed psychotherapist, certified in multiple healing arts and practicing for 20+ years. As you might imagine, he is effortlessly gifted and peaceful in his approach. I went from harried schlepper to mush within 20 minutes.

But when it came to the question of cost, he said, "That's $x...or whatever you're comfortable paying."

The needle scratched off the record.

I tried not to go all life coach on him (really), but charging people what you're worth is an important subject. That delay and backtrack can mean 100's-1000's of dollars lost. You may believe your talent is a gift, but you also need to pay the rent.

Understanding your worth is not just for the self-employed. It also affects how you ask for a raise, divvy household responsibilities and schedule your time.

My advice to him: just say what you want, and stop.

Let the other person counteroffer or - what I think will happen - not even blink. Of course it costs this much, it's worth it!

Islands in the Stream

2008-07-17T13:18:00.005-04:00

Gotta love Dolly and Kenny (pre-plastic surgery).

On the train the other day, I stared out of the window at the Hudson River and considered: What makes someone like rivers or lakes more than the ocean?

I originally thought it had something to do with where you grew up. Growing up next to the Hudson, I perhaps was predisposed to prefer it to crashing waves. It reminds me of home.

But could it be more fundamental than that?

For instance, what sets the ocean apart is that it is so expansive. It has no end. Float far enough from the shore and time and space have a different meaning. Perhaps loving the ocean is partly about your willingness to be in the unknown.

On the other hand, lakes have a concreteness to them. You know where the beginning and end are. On a large lake, you could find yourself lost in the middle somewhere but always know in the back of your mind that there is a way back. Just pick a direction.

Rivers are functional. Watching the Hudson you see it not only as beautiful, but also as transportation for commerce. It can technically carry you were you want to go. That is, as long as you're going its way. Like lakes, you know there are banks to rivers and that you're never truly lost.

So what does it mean to prefer these other forms of water? A preference for knowing where you stand and having boundaries within which to move. It can get overwhelming when you can go anywhere or do anything you want. How do you decide? Perhaps rivers are for when you have less patience and just want to get there already. Lakes are when you want to take your time and watch the world go by.

Maybe you can have ocean-days and river-hours depending on your mood.

Let's Clean Up NYC

2008-07-01T10:01:00.005-04:00

Nearly a month ago I visited friends in Toronto. I couldn't help but notice their trash/recycle bins around the city. Brilliant! A city who gets it right. (Kudos to Prince Edward Island for the same.)

It made me think of New York which put into law that businesses and citizens should recycle, but doesn't require it of public schools or Central Park.

Good Girl's Guide to Living in Sin

2008-06-20T10:27:00.006-04:00

I lived in sin for a while and it would have been nice to have a guide. A live-in boyfriend is a lot different than a roommate and not fun all the time. Although it can be!

If you're about to take the plunge, I highly recommend checking out:

The Good Girl's Guide to Living in Sin: The New Rules for Moving in With Your Man. The authors, Joselin Linder and Elena Donovan Mauer, are two sassy gals who have some experience on the subject. It's entertaining and enlightening - in other words you'll love it.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm quoted in it? ;)