Dave's Blog

Give me animals any day

2006-08-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

Here's a statistic to be proud of: apparently only adults in Turkey are less likely to accept evolution than American adults. God, I hope Canadians are a bit more savvy than that.

It's the level of scientific ignorance that gets me. Well, no it isn't. The level of ignorance makes me really depressed, but what gets me is the blinkered humans-are-special stand. Like, what's so damn special about a species that spends so much of its energy beating up on each other? This is special? These are what God created? Doesn't say much for God, does it?

Okay, I'm this far from ranting. I just ... Humans aren't my favorite species, you know? And don't say, you're human, because I've never found that the happiest thought.

Why I like animals, eh? Animals other than humans I mean.

Cooking

2006-08-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, my dad expected me to cook for us. So I've got sort of mixed feelings about cooking. When I went to live with Mike's family, when they became my family, I started cooking for them. It wasn't expected of me, I wanted to do it. It made me feel, like I was doing something to pay them back, I guess, but it wasn't only that. Cooking ... it's the whole taking-care-of-someone thing, I guess. Like I say, it's something I'm pretty mixed up about.

Anyway, I stopped doing it when I started pre-Vet -- Mom said I had enough on my plate, and I think she wanted me to ... not feel so tied to home. I don't mean she was trying to kick me out! Just ... she thought I should be more like everyone else.

That's a stupid thing to say. We're hardly all the same.

Anyway, I stopped. And last night I started again. And I enjoyed it. I like cooking for people I love, even if there is all that other stuff associated with it.

Good will needed

2006-08-06T19:35:00.000-07:00

This Israel-Hizbollah thing is really getting to me. I mean it's the same old, old story, isn't it? The guys (and notwithstanding that woman British Prime Minister who started the Falklands war, it's almost always guys, isn't it?), the guys at the top lock antlers, and the poor schmucks at the bottom die.

The thing is, and I know I know nothing about the countries and the politics of it all or anything, but it doesn't matter where it happens, it's the same all over -- Bosnia, Northern Ireland, the Middle East, India and Pakistan ... There's no good will. Someone somewhere said something about there being nothing that couldn't be sorted out by men of good will -- but we never get that, do we? I guess the problem is that you don't rise to the top unless you're prepared to get your hands dirty, and naturally you don't trust anyone, because, hey, you know you're a bastard, stands to reason the other guy is too.

It's all about trust, isn't it? Or lack of it. And fear. But I'd have more sympathy for these guys if it was fear of the sort of things we're all afraid of, but what they're scared of is being powerless. America's scared of losing cheap energy; the Arab-Muslim world is scared of Western democracy imposing their own culture and rules on them.

You know, I read about something the other day. Some African country -- can't remember which one -- but they have this practice of giving young girls to the shrines to be "wives to the gods". Apparently they believe that when you've done something wrong that the gods might be pissed about, the whole family will be punished unless you give a girl to the gods. The girls are kept as virtual slaves in the shrines for the rest of their lives, never seeing their families again. And of course, you know what being a "wife to the gods" means -- the priest is the gods' proxy, right?

Anyway, my point is ... we think this sort of thing is appalling, right? Well, I do anyway. But to stop the practice, you're basically saying, hey, you're just ignorant peasants ... your gods aren't really going to make your whole family suffer if you don't sacrifice one of your daughters ... because, well, let's be honest, your gods don't exist.

I'm not saying that's what anyone actually says -- but that's what they're thinking, isn't it? Can you see how incredibly arrogant that is?

I don't know what the solution is. Some people think the world would be a lot safer if we didn't have religion, but you know what? I don't think it's religion that's the problem -- the problem is that people are always getting it into their heads that they know what God wants. God wants us to beat up homosexuals, God wants us to rule the world; God wants us to lock up our wives and daughters.

Strange that these things God wants are the same things men want.

So, yeah, maybe nothing would change if we took God out of the action, but for God's sake, stop using Him as an excuse!

out of the slough of despond

2006-08-04T22:22:00.000-07:00

It wasn't as out-of-the-blue as I made it sound, yesterday. My waking in better spirits, I mean. Out of the slough of despond. Isn't that a great phrase? No idea where it comes from. Says it all though ... even if I don't really know what a slough is. It sounds ... slough-y.

Okay, wandering from the point. Day before yesterday, something happened. I knew Mike and Paul had been busy with something, but they didn't tell and I didn't ask. Which isn't like Mike, but I just figured ... well, that it was payback for me being so surly. Which isn't like Mike either, and I'd have known that if ... well, you know what it's like when you get mired in your mind. Or maybe you don't, in which case I'd just say, count your blessings!

So, what happened. They'd been building. They'd found this patch of land with this incredibly decrepit old house on it (they showed me pictures, and we're talking major dump here). It's shadowed by these huge trees, and is damp and dark. Some reclusive type lived there all his life, and then died intestate, or whatever you call it when there's no will and no relatives. Anyway, Paul and Mike got it real cheap (relatively speaking), and they've been fixing it up for Mike.

Well, I guess it was pretty obvious he couldn't continue to live at home ... tension's pretty thick. Maybe that's been affecting me more than I realized. I mean there's no shortage of love, but, well, probably best if Mike's not under the same roof as his mother and sisters. They don't really understand ... can't blame them for that ...

Didn't mean to get into all this. It's just ... I knew he had to move out. I guess I was afraid he'd go deep bush.

They've fixed up a room for me in it. Mike says there'll always be room for his brothers in his home.

And I guess that's why I woke up feeling like blogging again. Maybe tomorrow I'll even be feeling bushy-tailed enough to talk about what happened with Leanne.

First step

2006-08-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

Isn't it weird how you can drag yourself through months of days absolutely focused on something, and then wake up one morning and, bam!, it's gone.

That wasn't what I meant to say. I meant to say, I've been avoiding
forgetting, I meant to say forgetting
this blog for months, and this morning I woke up, and ... I felt different ... from the way I've been feeling all this time. And now, sitting here at my computer, I suddenly want to blog again.

And what I've written tells me things I haven't realized until I wrote them, which is why I like doing this and, now I come to think of it, why I've been avoiding it all these months.

Yeah, avoiding, not forgetting. I kidded myself I'd forgotten about it, but I guess that isn't really true. And, yeah, I have been absolutely focused on work all these months, and I do that when I don't want to think about anything else. Work's always been a safe place for me to disappear into -- why I did so well at school, eh?

Well, it's been good for my grades anyway. And I've earned a lot of money this summer, so ... at least my time hasn't been wasted!

But, yeah, I've been dragging through the days, and I haven't let myself realize it.

Ah well, what do they say? First step is admitting you have a problem!

Maybe tomorrow I'll be up to talking about it. I think that's as much self-awareness as I can bear right now.

moral dilemmas

2006-03-09T20:16:00.000-08:00

You ever get that feeling you just want to roll back time? Of course you have; everyone has. Shit, I get it two or three times a week. This time though ...

It just keeps getting worse. I mean, Leanne's gran is getting better, and they think she'll be all right. Which is good.

Okay, this is the place for honesty, isn't it? Good is too un-ambiguous. It's a mixed blessing, that's what it is. If you can call it that, when what I really mean is that I still can't sort out in my mind what's the better outcome. Leanne has no doubts, and I love her for that, I really do. On the other hand, it's really not helping the family tension. When her dad suggested that maybe it would have been better if she'd never woken -- he was subtle about it! But that was what he meant, and I could see Leanne's mom agreed with him, even if she couldn't come out and say so -- I mean Leanne just blew. She was so mad.

But I could see their point of view. It's not like anyone ever gets better from Alzheimer's. It's all downhill. Leanne's not stupid, she knows that as well as we do. Is it just selfishness -- not wanting to lose someone you love? -- or is she right, when she says her gran deserves to live as long as she can. I'm not sure I believe in life at any price.

But I don't believe in death after life, either. You know, that's a weird thing -- why are the people who believe in life after death the same people who believe in life at any cost?

Okay, so not the point.

The thing is ... Leanne's mad at her parents because she thinks they think it would be more convenient for her gran to die. They're mad at Leanne for not seeing their point of view. I can see both sides, and that really doesn't win me points with my girlfriend!

There we go, another moral dilemma, breed like flies, don't they? When a friend can't see past their own opinions, are you obliged to point out their blindness, or does friendship mean you should support them whatever?

I guess it depends on the consequences. It's not like I want to tell Leanne her parents have a point just to be nasty; I hate seeing families torn apart like this, that's all.

And Mike's insistence that she didn't wander away without someone's encouragement really isn't helping!

I hope he's wrong

2006-03-06T16:39:00.000-08:00

Apparently pathological liars have some kind of fundamental difference in their brains. Pathological liars just can't help telling lies, and presumably they get some sort of kick out of it. I don't know if a lie detector would be able to notice that -- I mean, they measure physical reactions that underlie nervousness, right? but excitement's just another kind of arousal. It's the poeple who don't react at all to lying who can pass a lie detector test.

I don't know why I'm rabbiting on about that, except I'm thinking about lying. I know Mike's good at telling when people are lying, but he's not infallible.

He's good at tracking too, but ... I don't think he'd make that sort of mistake.

Shit. I don't want to think about this.

Don't think I'm going to have a choice though. Leanne's going to be here soon. I'm really not looking forward to that. She freaked when Mike told us. Why did he have to do it that way? Why didn't he just tell me?

Okay, that's stupid. Then I'd have had to tell her. That would have been worse. Well, for me.

I can't believe I'm thinking about me. Maybe I just don't want to think about what Mike said.

At least he found Leanne's grandmother.

I wish he'd get here soon

2006-03-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

Well, he agreed. Paul, that is. He doesn't know whether it'll work, but he's trying to call him. If only the guy would take a phone or something! But ... I guess there's only two things that he figures he'd need to know -- if either Paul or me needed him -- and he probably figures, in that slightly screwed up way of his, that he'd know that.

Sometimes I wish he was sane.

God, I feel a traitor saying that. I didn't even know I was going to. I should delete it I guess, but ... hell, I said it, and I guess it's true, and isn't this the whole reason I do this blog -- I mean, whatever I write about, what it's really about is ... therapy, I guess. Hey, it's not like anyone's listening.

Still, when Mike gets back I think I will ask him not to read it. He'll respect that. And that's pretty cool, that I can trust him that much. Only person on the planet. Well, apart from Paul I guess -- kinda the same thing.

I had Leanne sobbing in my arms last night. She really loves her grandma. No way can I even suggest that maybe this is the way she'd like to go. I feel lousy even thinking about it. But, really, if you felt your mind going, if you didn't know your family, you knew it was all just going to get worse ... sitting there in a diaper, brain out to lunch ... would you want to hang around for that?

I don't know. But I wish Mike would get here soon.

Don't know what to do

2006-03-04T13:28:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to do. If Mike was here ... I really wish Mike was here. I bet he could find her.

I could get Paul to bring him home, I guess. I mean, I think he could do that. I don't know whether he would. And I don't know whether I should ask, for the same reason. I mean, I know Mike needs to get away sometimes. I really wish he didn't, but ... he does, got to accept that.

Just as well I told Mike I'd stopped blogging -- which was true, only here I am, back at it again. Not that Mike would read it if I asked him not to.

God, I'm burbling. I'm worried, and I don't know what to do. Leanne's frantic. I want to do something. And if her grandma's wandering about somewhere, she'll surely be dead from hypothermia or something soon. Of course, people ARE looking for her; they're bound to find her. I mean, how far can a demented old lady get? But there's some pretty wild territory on that side of the water, and if she got that far, they could hunt for weeks and not find her.

Mike could find her.

I guess ... what am I weighing up here? Mike's needs against someone's life? That's stupid, right? If he needs more time away, he can go back for chrissake. I'll ask Paul if he can call him back.

that time of year

2005-12-14T19:27:00.000-08:00

It seems to me the world's divided into "let's go crazy and put fairy lights over the whole house" and "bah, humbug" people.

Well, I guess that's not entirely true; there's also people like me -- those who waver between "this is nice" and sinking depression.

Don't get me wrong -- I like Xmas! Saying you don't like Xmas is like saying you don't drink -- people think you're a party-pooper. Of course, I don't drink. Carla says that's why I'm so aggressively funny (her words; she's not my biggest fan -- you guessed that, right?) -- she reckons I'm trying to distract people from my sobriety. Interesting theory, except that I've always been like that, long before I reached the age where people expect me to get drunk every weekend. (That's normal, right? Or do I move in the wrong circles?)

Anyway, Xmas has got lots of good points: I like the food; I like giving presents (except for the anxiety of hoping I've chosen right); I like getting presents (of course); the whole family get-together, everyone-be-nice is good. It's just ... well, hell, it's what it always is -- the past, reaching out its slimy tentacles and shadowing my present. I get depressed and tense at Xmas because of all those past Xmases, before my new life. I guess ... I guess eventually enough time will have passed, and I'll have built up enough happy memories to wipe out the unhappy ones.

Wish I knew how to hasten the process.

me and animals

2005-11-01T19:23:00.000-08:00

I hadn't realized how much I'd missed my animals. When I was a kid, I used to doctor injured animals -- I always seemed to have at least one or two around. The animals were strays or wild, but they never hurt me that I remember. I always had a knack for animals.

I stopped doing it when ... my life fell apart for a while. For some reason I never took it up again. It wasn't like I didn't know that it was something I like to do -- I'm training to be a vet, after all! But I guess I had forgotten exactly how it made me feel.

Anyway, I've just started this part-time job, kind of an intern thing, with a vet, and ... it's great. He's kind of a wacky guy -- would you believe he uses homeopathy on them? I mean, okay, with humans, you can see a placebo effect going on -- they expect to get better, so they do. But animals?? What's the point of that?

And he plays this weird music during surgery, and burns scented oils ... well, you get the picture. But he's a nice old guy, and it's certainly a relaxing atmosphere. In fact ... okay, just between you and me, I'm burning some of the stuff in my room, and I have started sleeping better since I started doing that. Probably a coincidence but can't do any harm, right?

It's probably just the being around animals thing. Yeah, I have had the lab rats, but, due respect, and they really are a much maligned species, but I think I prefer dogs and cats! Or maybe it's just that the animals are here because they need care. The lab rats, I'm just feeding and cleaning out; they don't need me.

Out of the mouths of idiots ... You see why I write this stuff? Because I start something simple, and before you know it, I'm revealing something to myself. Damn. I thought I'd got over that whole need-to-be-needed thing.

Not in this life, I guess.

breeding corruption

2005-10-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

The annual list of perceived corruption is out. Canada's slipped again, which is really depressing -- but hey, at least we're still better than the US. And, of course, way way way better than Chad.

Not that that's saying anything. Poor sods.

The thing is, noone asks to be born in particular circumstances. I mean, rich people (people born rich) can go around feeling themselves mentally, morally, every-which-way, superior to the rest of us, but what did they do to be born rich? Absolutely nothing. Just like people born in the slums of Calcutta.

I guess that's where the whole Buddhist thing of reincarnation -- you get what you deserve from a previous life -- comes in; it's a way of justifying your good fortune or rubbing your nose in your bad luck (hey, you deserved it!). I never thought of that before, because, y'know, like most of us in the West, I always had vaguely good feelings about Buddhism, but that's really mean, isn't it?

I mean, I guess I can see the point -- if there really is no hope of you improving your lot in life, better to feel you did something to deserve it (maybe) -- but it's a bit defeatist, isn't it? I suppose the positive thing is that you think your behavior will alter your life next time round, which does, at least, do a good thing in encouraging people to behave. Maybe that's worth the nastiness of making innocent people feel they earned a rotten deal. I don't know.

Wouldn't it be nice if people didn't have to be bribed or threatened in order to act decently? Of course, it might be a self-fulfilling prophecy -- that leaders think people only respond to bribes or threats, so that's what they use.

breaking up is hard to do?

2005-10-18T20:08:00.000-07:00

You can't, I'm discovering, just decide to completely change your personality, and have it happen, bang.

Okay, I wasn't talking about changing my personality, just my attitude ... the thing is, I'm beginning to see the difference isn't that clear-cut. I thought it would be easy. God knows I've spent most of my life pretending to be a happy-go-lucky, cheerful, optimistic, frivolous soul. So why should it be so hard to make it be for real?

Maybe that's the trouble. Maybe I'm too used to pretending.

I can pretend -- I still know how to do that. I guess ... I was hoping my pretending days were past. They were for a while. I don't know what's pushed me back to my old self ...

Yeah, I do, I guess. It's the whole Leanne thing. I want her in my life, but ... on my terms, I guess. Maybe I should just break it off.

my epiphany

2005-10-16T20:02:00.000-07:00

Oh wow, I think I just had an epiphany. I was reading this article -- yeah, I know, I've zero time for Web-surfing, but there you go, I just ... well, you probably noticed from my last two blogs I've been a bit down lately, so I ... was looking up stuff about happiness. (I know, this is such a geeky thing to do; looking up solutions to your emotional problems on the net, but there you go, idle moment and all that).

Anyway, I came across this article, and noticed Seligman's name -- because he's like the guru of happiness, in a non-pseudoscience way. Now Seligman, it turns out, was the guy who discovered "learned helplessness", which is this state of mind you get into when you've been knocked about so much you just give up, and don't try to avoid even avoidable unpleasantnesses -- you know, the whole battered woman syndrome.

For reasons I'm not about to get into, the learned helplessness thing kind of ... resonated with me. Which is why this statement by Seligman had such an effect on me; he said that one in three subjects didn't develop the condition, whatever happened to them. They just kept on fighting back.

Sounds kinda stupid when I say it like that. I can just hear you (my mythical reader) going "duh". It's just ... I guess you have to be where I was to understand why that hit me like it did.

Anyway, I guess I always credited my survival to my brother (and hey, no way am I denying that), but I guess ... maybe ... I'm prepared to accept what he's always told me -- that maybe, just maybe, I had something to do with it too. And more importantly, that now it is up to me. If I want to be happy, it's up to me to make me happy.

Not really all that profound, is it? Oh well.

is it just me, or is the world out to get us?

2005-10-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

I was reading about how all those dramatic reports of terrible behavior in the aftermath of Katrina in New Orleans were just the rumor-mill gone wild. They suggested it was so readily believed because of some deep fear of poor people. Personally, I don't think we can be blamed for believing them, because, you know, we were being told it was true by people we could be excused for believing were responsible, informed officials (like the mayor). But it is interesting that these officials so readily believed that things like that could happen. Personally, I think it shows the huge chasm between the people in charge and all the rest of us -- at least in New Orleans. But let's face it, New Orleans has always been notorious for its corruption and incompetence, so does this really say anything about the rest of America?

I don't know, it just seems one disaster after another these days. At least 30,000 killed in Pakistan's earthquake; floods in Romania; mudslides in Guatemala ... I don't know, it just seems to go on and on.

Sorry ... I was intending to be upbeat today ... I don't know what the hell's the matter with me. Tomorrow, dude.

i'm back

2005-10-09T15:05:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been over two months since I touched this. I don't know why I stopped; I just got busy with other stuff, and then ... I lost the habit, I guess. And school started and all that.

But I've missed it. I'm not sure why -- I have plenty of friends, you know. It's not like I don't have people to talk to.

Maybe it's because it's relaxing to talk without worrying about the other person's reaction. You know, angst-ing over what people will think of you, or whether you'll hurt them, or whatever.

I don't know what's happening with me and Leanne (there's an interesting mental association -- and yeah, I guess worrying about hurting her is head of my list right now). I think she wants us to be closer, maybe not "commitment" as such -- okay, maybe that is what she wants. Or maybe she just wants me to open up more. But I don't think I can. I mean, if she realized how far I'd come ... how incredible it was I'd got so far with her ... but she doesn't, and I can't tell her, cos that would mean telling her all the things I can't tell her ...

You know, this really isn't helping.

2005-07-28T21:14:00.000-07:00

I see that some newspaper editors censored Doonesbury's cartoons recently. Apparently he's had the President calling Rove "Turd Blossom". It kills me, you know, how there's this whole "Freedom of the Press" myth that the media propogate, when, you know, the media themselves seem to spend half their time censoring themselves.

Not in the places where I think they should censor themselves, either. I mean, they worry about political stuff like this, but I think it would be more to the point if they stopped fixating on all the graphic violence they think the public is clamoring to see. Even if they are (and personally, I know lots of people who are disgusted by it), that doesn't mean the media should give into it. I'm not one of those don't-let-kids-watch-TV, stop-those-violent-video-games types, but I do know all about what happens when you feed an appetite for violence.

Okay, didn't mean to go there. But really ... people would feel a lot more secure if they didn't have terrible things pushed in their faces all the time.

Rant over.

spreading joy

2005-07-24T19:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, my last couple of posts weren't exactly the cheeriest. I guess I'm on the depressive part of my cycle (joke: I'm not bipolar -- and isn't that weird, that you can say something like that, and assume the other person will understand? Our society's in thrall to do-it-yourself therapy.)

Anyway, in the interest of cheering you up -- ok, cheering myself up, since I doubt anyone's out there -- here's some funny stuff; places I go when I'm down.

Dave Barry's always totally reliable; love that guy (and not just because of his name!). Check out his column - sadly at the moment they're reruns of old columns, because he's taking the year off (and I don't know how he's lasted this long; I mean, churning out a humor column every week for I don't know how many years, wow -- I've got major respect for the guy. Being funny isn't as easy as it looks.) Anyway, if you're like me and have read everything he's written, it's still funny to read them again. And if you're new to him, well, you've got a treat in store! Check out his books, too. And, if you want a daily hit of weird and funny stuff, check out his blog.

I think you've got to register to read his column; it's in the Miami Herald. If you don't want to do that, remember our good old friend BugMeNot (link in the sidebar).

Then there's Randy Cassingham's weird but true stuff

Oh, and how can I forget my major news source: The Onion (and no, it's not "true", but sometimes it's really hard to tell -- which tells you how weird our planet is). And if you like that, you might be amused by another realistic-looking spoof site: The White House, for your up to the minute political news.

Last one -- less topical, but still remarkably funny after all these years (no idea when they first did this stuff, but back in the dawn time, eh?) -- Monty Python's scripts. Of course, these are only funny to read if you know their stuff really well (I imagine). I mean, when I read them, I have the visual images passing across my mental TV screen. I'm not sure how it would be if you didn't know them.

Anyway ... better stop now. This has really taken a while (because I've been dipping into the stuff as I pick up the links!). Hope I've spread a little lightness and joy. It's cheered me up, anyway.

I wanted to cry

2005-07-21T16:43:00.000-07:00

Leanne took me to see her grandmother the other day; that's why I haven't blogged the last few days. I guess I needed time to ... put it behind me. I mean, I'm pleased she trusts me enough to do that ... well, part of me's pleased, the other part's kinda freaked out. Taking a boyfriend to visit your sick grandmother, that says something. Doesn't it? I mean, I'm not looking for a lifetime partner yet. But I don't want to piss her off by saying that. Whatever I said, I'd be screwed. I'm probably misreading the whole situation anyway.

That wasn't what I wanted to talk about. Hey, I didn't even know that was bugging me until now -- I guess they're right about this whole get your thoughts down on paper thing.

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was her grandmother. She's in a home. God, that was depressing in itself. I mean, it was a nice place, not a dump, but ... all those old, out-of-it folks, sitting there staring into space.

Her gran's got Alzheimer's. We sat with her a while. She didn't know Leanne. Mostly she just sat there. Every now and then she'd say something, a word, a phrase, completely out of left field. After a while Leanne got a book out, one of those big coffee table books. It was full of pictures of cats. She put it on her gran's lap and turned the pages, and the old lady brightened up, and every now and then she'd point to one of the pictures and say something random.

Leanne cried when we left. Hell, I didn't even know the lady, and I wanted to cry.

thoughts of death

2005-07-17T22:01:00.000-07:00

The new Harry Potter got me thinking about death. Again. (No, I'm not going to say anything else about H.P., except that I enjoyed it, and I await the next one impatiently -- I don't know how to talk about it without giving away too much of the plot.)

Anyway ... death.

Everyone goes through a stage of thinking about it, I guess. Adolescent angst. Then I guess most of us put it out of our minds until someone we know dies, or we feel the first twinges of mortality. I haven't, quite, got out of the adolescent angst stage yet, I guess.

It's funny, I've never really been afraid of death -- not in itself, if you know what I mean. I alway figured, when you died, you'd be dead, so ... you wouldn't be feeling anything, is my point. It's being left behind, when someone you love dies, that always scared me. Not that there were a lot of people contending for that honor. Only one, actually. But every now and then I'd think of my brother dying, and it would freak me out.

Now ... it's funny, but he still keeps me alive. I mean, when we were kids he kept me alive because I had someone who cared about me. That was enough, y'know? But it never occurred to me it went two ways. I never thought that it would matter to him if I was dead or alive.

That sounds stupid, when I've just said I knew he cared about me. But I don't mean I didn't think it would matter to him, I meant ... that I simply never thought about it. You know kids, self-obsessed. Now I know how devastated he would be, and that makes me want to be alive.

God that sounds suicidal. I don't mean it like that. I want to be alive; I've been suicidal and I'm a very long way from that. I'm happy, really happy right now. It's just ... I don't know, I guess I'm trying to say that I care more for being alive for my brother's sake than I do for my own, although I'm perfectly happy.

That sounds screwed-up, doesn't it? Story of my life.

magic in the world

2005-07-14T21:14:00.000-07:00

Nearly the big day -- the day the next Harry Potter comes out, I mean. Can I just say I think the hype is ridiculous. Also, I'm looking forward to reading it when it comes out (and yes, of course, I've read all the others).

I know why I like the books; I'm not sure why so many other people do. There must be a lot of unhappy childhoods out there, or maybe it says that, for most people, they wish childhood could have been more magical. What do you think?

We all want more magic in the world. That sounds right, actually. Although noone seems to consider that if there was magic, other people could use it on us. I mean, if you think you lack control in your life now, just wait and see what it would be like in a magical world! I guess, like everything else, we want magic on our own terms.

I remember reading a scifi short story once; it was about this guy who goes to a psychiatrist because he's worried about his dreams. It turns out that the world is what he's dreaming -- if he dreams changes, then the changes happen in the real world. I think I've got that right; it was a long time ago. Anyway, the reason I remember it is because I think we're all like that in a way. We all think the world revolves around us -- not in the sense of being hugely egotistical, but like a child who believes what his parents do is all his fault. You don't have to believe that you're the sun and moon to believe that what you do has consequences; that what happens to you is all your fault. We really aren't designed to believe that life's random.

Yeah, I'm doing it again, aren't I? Assuming other people are all like me. Okay, some people do act as if life is random; they're the ones who are totally screwed up. So, maybe, it's a really important lie we need to tell ourselves.

rat dreams

2005-07-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

I wonder what rats dream about? You know, if you cage them communally, they all pile up on top of each other to sleep. It's quite endearing really. I guess they're social like us. Maybe, if we didn't have all those cultural inhibitions, we'd sleep communally too. I mean, sleeping is pretty scary really, isn't it? You're vulnerable to predators, and bad dreams.

I wonder if rats have bad dreams? No reason why humans should have a monopoly. I mean, if animals dream, why not have bad dreams? No one who owns a dog doubts that dogs dream, although I haven't been around one enough to say whether they ever have nightmares.

They don't teach us stuff like that. I mean, I know I'm only pre-Vet, but I'm pretty damn sure they never talk about animals dreaming. And if they do, I bet they don't talk about counselling for nightmares!

I was looking at the lab rats I look after and for some reason I started thinking about that sleep paralysis thing I was talking about yesterday. And I thought, if it's a brain glitch, why shouldn't other animals have it? They wouldn't load all the cultural interpretations on it that we do, so I wonder what they think about it? Maybe they do have a mythology -- the demon dog that comes and sits on them!

Okay, I need to hit the sack; I think my brain's running away with me (now there's an interesting mental image). Night all.

really quite normal

2005-07-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

Have you ever woken up at night with the terrifying feeling that someone's in your room, or even worse, whispering in your ear, or crushing your chest? [I'm not talking about people you share with!]

I get that from time to time. I always assumed it was ... well, let's just say, leftover trauma, okay? But I fell over this site that talked about sleep paralysis (yeah, yeah, I know, gotta stop this random surfing, it really sucks up the hours), and there was all this stuff about it like it was this really common experience, maybe the origin of a lot of myths and legends -- evil spirits, ghosts, demons, witches, space aliens ... All because of this glitch our brain gets quite often, when it's dreaming. I found this recent article on it too.

Always nice to discover your weird experiences are really quite normal, eh?

destroying America's supremacy in research

2005-07-10T22:41:00.000-07:00

I have to say, the time I've spent on learning the Kalevala has definitely paid off! I told you Leanne was impressed -- really impressed, as it turned out. I think somehow, in some way I'm not going to delve into, I scored points (BIG points) for her against her friend. So, definite motivation there to continue my training! (I do it when I'm running; in the shower; waiting for things ... -- so it doesn't really impinge on any productive time).

Anyway, to more important matters. I read this article in the news today; really slayed me. Apparently this zoo in Tulsa was getting aggro from the local creationists about not having "alternative" theories of creation on display alongside the stuff that referred to evolution (oh sorry, thought we were supposed to provide factual information, us being a zoo ...). Anywhere the zoo caved (wimps), but, the creationists pushed their luck, and claimed that a statue of the elephant-headed god Ganesh at the elephant house showed an anti-Christian bias. So -- and here's where the zoo earned back their stripes -- the zoo then said if they were going to provide alternative theories, they better give equal time to other creation stories! Of course there are hundreds. Upshot is, no creation stories after all.

It's terrifying, though, the inroads the "creationist" lobby have made into the minds of Americans (at least the rest of the world is a bit more educated). It does say something about the terrible state of education in the country. It doesn't seem to get through to most people that if you accept creationism you have to throw away all the biological discoveries of the last 150 years, including the medical ones. Think about it, a lot of medical research is based on animal experiments; they're based on the idea that humans are related to other animals. And, wow, what do you know -- it works!

do bards get more girls?

2005-07-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

I had a fun experience today. Carla was with Leanne when I hooked up with her. She asked me how I was going with my "bardic training" (making it sound like a joke, right? but I know a sneer when I hear one). I launched right into

"Mastered by desire impulsive,
By a mighty inward urging,
I am ready now for singing,
Ready to begin the chanting ...",

and went on for -- hang on, let me count them --115 lines!! That's the introduction.

Oh yeah, that was cool. She tried to look like she was unimpressed, but I could see she was pretty damn stunned. And Leanne was definitely impressed. So, score 2 for the bard!