I wasn't always like this...

Why Neighbors Suck

2008-06-28T12:03:00.006-05:00

The amazing

Chia Deck

And if you act now, we'll include this Chia Awning, absolutely FREE!

Redneck Tarp not available in most areas.

'Mornin Sunshine

2008-06-02T06:00:00.003-05:00

6:50 a.m.

"Nanna, time to wake up for school honey..." I said, as I scooped her into a big cuddle and kissed her forehead.

She wrapped her arms around my neck and and said, "...mmm, 'mornin' mom."

We hugged for a sec and I kissed her neck like I used to do when she was a baby, "I love you Anna. Thank you for always being such a good girl, you've made being a momma so nice."

She stretched, smiled, and said, "Oh mom, it was easy."

I think today will be a good day.

Signs You're Not Right In The Head Jeffee

2008-05-18T09:40:00.000-05:00

"C'mon, let's cuddle and coo!", he says, as he meanders towards the bedroom shaking his ass and making pigeon noises, "cooooo-coooo"...

Ahhh, that man of mine.

Love Is

2008-05-16T07:56:00.005-05:00

There's been a violent death in our family, and we've lost a very unique, quirky, colorful and generous man.

Death is always a difficult thing to deal with, an unexpected and suffering death is quite another story.

But that isn't what this post is about.

This is about the love that shines in the wake of tragedy.

I am always awed by genuine caring, it is shocking in its sincerity and never fails to force me into reality. You know? It's so easy to get caught in your own thoughts and emotions, and to dwell in the dark recesses of your mind when life is unfair. It taints you into cynicism and sometimes it is so hard to see any sort of light, but then you'll witness true heart and it somehow gives you hope. Hope is everything.

Today's post is one of love. It is a thank you to my children, all of them, both mine and Chrissy's, and the strays that have adopted us as their own.

As a parent, you can't always tell on a daily basis if you're doing a good enough job of raising your children. When crisis strikes a family, it's an incredible thing to experience gracious and selfless love from others, when it comes from children, it is amazing in its beauty.

We returned home from a cold, wet, grueling and horrific day filled with details the mind cannot comprehend in real time. We returned home to teenagers and young adults who had gone grocery shopping, made a buffet of quality food set with plates and accouterments, purchased with their own pooled funds. They cooked, they cleaned, they set up, they built a fire and readied the house for an onslaught of tired, stunned and grieving people, and they did it of their own volition. They took on the responsibility of forethought and practical details, attending to the needs of people filled with sorrow, and pitched in to help in a very real and thoughtful way.

I can try to express my feelings in more detail, but there aren't words for the pride and love I feel for them.

Kids, I am awed by your worth and contribution.

Another PSA

2008-05-13T11:51:00.006-05:00

OK, first of all WARNING: I ripped this from a site with highly questionable content.

THERE IS A LOT OF PORN ON IT.

Second, the embed feature is fairly new for them, so the odds that it will work correctly can be reproduced in your own home by flipping a quarter.

Third, and this is important, if the odds of some nasty slut doing something nasty with her ass or some other sluts' ass are frightening enough for you that you have even a modicum of trepidation, then don't click this video.

You see, I posted this yesterday and it worked fine on my computer. My daughter went next door to her house to show her husband and the afore mentioned nasty slut with the ass problem popped up instead of the very aggravated black woman I intended to show. If the preview is of anything other than a woman FULLY CLOTHED and highly disgusted, then the fucking embed isn't working properly and you should just move along. Unless your into nasty slut ass problems, then be my guest. Whatever.

Proceed at your own discretion.

Now, as I so urgently need to share:

I have a new hero, I just love this woman.

You go girl.

Erm... If it IS the nasty ass slut, then the "You go girl" thing, albeit rather funny, doesn't apply.

The Birth of a Fire God

2008-04-28T09:32:00.007-05:00

How many of you remember that my father set a tree in my back yard on fire a couple of years ago?

Yeah, he did... Sprayed it with all kinds of flammable liquids and then every time I turned my back, he threw a match on it.

Then, last summer, my son in law's father came over, got drunk, and then chopped that tree in half with a chain saw.

I don't really understand what it is that comes over men when they are in my back yard.

Well, I stared at that "tree" for a whole year.

I wasn't going to stare at it in that state any longer, so, I did this:

Don't you just love yard art?

Andy Always Makes Me Think Dirty Thoughts

2008-04-26T07:56:00.000-05:00

My Darling Friend Andy Martello

Got a paying gig doing this commercial:

And ladies? All I can think is, if his hands are that good with plates....

YAY!!!

2008-04-18T18:00:00.001-05:00

Ok, Here's her testing performance...

SHE PASSED!

What a doll!

Anna Skating

2008-04-17T07:51:00.007-05:00

Anna is practicing for a test this Friday. If she passes it, she will be at the Preliminary Level and if she passes that, she'll be allowed to apply to be an "ice sweeper" (which means she'd be one of those little girls that gets to run out on the ice and pick up all the toys and flowers people throw at skaters after their performance) at Quicken Loans Arena during the U S Figure Skating Championships being held in January next year. It makes me crazy to watch her at practice because she tends to be sloppy... Put the kid in a pressure situation like a competition or test though, and she brings her A-game every time. Anyway, this was taken at 6:30 this morning and you can at least see her progress. I'll video her this weekend and post her actual performance so you can see the difference.

She's such a cutie.

Ok, I just opened my blog and watched this thing. I don't know who all those other skaters are that pop up at the end. I'm an idiot with html, and I'm sure there's a way to edit my video to not have all that stuff come up, but yanno what? I don't care. Don't watch them if you don't want to see them. What ever.

...and obviously, I'll never have a career as a photographer.

A Call To Arms

2008-04-09T06:41:00.004-05:00

I haven't truly ranted on here in a while. That is about to change.

*Warning: Poor language and obvious rambling will likely ensue from this point on.*

Ok. I admit that I watch television. I'm not proud of that! Who the hell is? I am an American Idol junkie, that god damned program is like crack, and don't even get me started on Top Chef, Hell's Kitchen, The Dog Whisperer (and I don't even like dogs) or Big Bang. Fuck you, sue me.

Being an admitted television viewer, I feel qualified in stating my opinion that television commercials have become an anomaly that I haven't a clue what to do with.

When I was a younger soul, I watched television as well. Commercials were just as annoying then as they are now, but my youth prevented me from furthering my middle aged ass spread. That's right, I never stayed still long enough to actually watch them, I was more apt to get up and go pee or grab some cookies or something. Not now! It's an effort to haul myself out of the recliner. This means I'm forced to view this pandering bullshit on a fairly regular basis, like every 7 fucking minutes.

Commercials used to have a point. Some mousy housewife would come on screen wearing a linen dress and a frilly apron and tout the healthy benefits of a Swanson Frozen Dinner and its convenient foil tray, or a dusty, weathered cowboy would inform us of the smooth pleasure of a Marlboro Cigarette.

Things have changed quite a bit. Now we have Target making obscure references to products flashed on the screen between Dali-ish visuals and a cover of some classic song that has been "updated" to a mere shell of its former self, or a mostly naked chick creaming her panties over a chocolate square the size of a quarter from Ghirardelli, or a crack whore having an audible orgasm while using her shampoo. How about the sexually repressed bastard who breaks into song because he sits on a stupid sofa in a La-Z-boy furniture store? "I'm in love with this woooooooooman!" Don't they realize that there are impressionable people in the world? Did they stop to consider that from now until eternity, Jeffee will forever sing the same fucking song to me every time he sits down? I want to hit that man in the face with a shovel for causing me this grief. Know what Jeff does every time he thinks he's done something spectacular? He screams "Wizzzzzard!" Fuck you Alltel.

I'm sick of this abuse. I want the powers that be to suffer, as I have. I want each and every one of you to start a grassroots protest! I want these bastards punished!

The last straw, the commercial that has sent me over the edge belongs to AT&T's Go Phone. I was minding my own business, sitting there, staring at the TV while I tried desperately to tune out the commercial interlude that was abusing me, when I was was rudely interrupted by Meatloaf. MEATLOAF!

WHY?

What genius thought having Meatloaf and his son dramatize a re-worked version of Paradise By The Dashboard Lights would inspire someone to go buy their phone? Are these people insane? First of all, if you were to take a poll asking women to make a list of the most unattractive males on the planet, Meatloaf would place somewhere between Larry King and Dennis Rodman. Second, anyone who had a nerdy little sister lived the very real torture of hearing that god forsaken song played no less than 400 times a day, no shit. And finally, IT'S MEATLOAF!

Gah! I can't stand it!

Who is in charge here? Who do I complain to? The Attorney General's office has no department that handles these types of complaints. The FCC thinks I'm crazy. The church doesn't care, and AT&T doesn't answer their fucking phone, worse, the computer generated voice on their automated line is almost as horrific as the commercial itself - a body can only take so much after exposure.

We MUST put an end to this type of abuse! Isn't there a congressman out there willing to champion this cause? Can we get a filibuster?

Fuck me.

Y'All Are Crazy

2008-04-01T07:00:00.004-05:00

Hi there everyone!

I've just returned from Florida. Most of my kids have spent the winter in Naples and I was missing them. Easter Sunday was also Lily's first birthday and you KNOW I couldn't miss that so, Anna and I packed up and hit the road.

Now, the road between Cleveland and Naples, although very scenic, is 1200 miles of very long and brutal, trust me, this I know. My route was quite direct, I-71 to I-75 due South.

I happened to notice a few things...

*A four-star rated hotel in Kentucky is a relative designation.

*Tennessee is quite possibly one of the most beautiful states in the Union. Seriously, it really is.

*I'm pretty sure Tennessee is the world capital of Carnival people. I can't be positive and I have no proof, but I swear to God, the three gas stations I visited there had Carnies running all over the place. At one in particular, The Fat Lady, The Tattoo Lady, The Bearded Lady and The Lizard Boy all came out as I was going in. They all climbed into an El Camino. I didn't stick around to find out why.

*Once you cross the invisible yet very real boundary line just South of Knoxville, you will encounter a phenomenon unseen in the North; ordinary, everyday people who truly believe they are NASCAR drivers, who otherwise possess not a single NASCAR driver skill.

*The ENTIRE state of Georgia is filled with the aforementioned people. In fact, I am positive that Atlanta is merely an acronym for All Traffic Lanes Allow NASCAR Training Asswipes, and if you've ever had the misfortune to be stuck driving through that fine city on a weekday between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 11:00 p.m., you obviously know exactly what I mean. You see, traffic comes to a complete stop for no apparent reason, and when you do finally get to move a foot and a half, some hot Southern boy will yank a quick left followed by a quick right in what he believes to be an expertly executed lane shift that leaves a sane person shaking their head in complete and utter wonder. And then you get to sit there for another ten minutes until some other fine Southern boy does the same shit. I managed to make it from the very top of Atlanta to the bottom in under two hours, which based on the information I managed to glean from a very patient bartender just after the experience, was a monumental feat.

*In Georgia, while you are traveling at 85+ miles per hour it is perfectly acceptable for some women to "veer" out of their own fucking lanes and encroach into yours on a rather sharp curve with no shoulder.

*In Georgia, the sun can be shining, the winds calm, the roadways empty of all orange construction barrels, no vehicle accidents anywhere to be seen, no state troopers aiming radar guns, no lane interchanges and no bloody naked people standing on the side of the road, and traffic will still come to a complete stop suddenly. For no fucking reason whatsoever.

*Gainsville, Florida has a McDonald's with what has to be the worst staff of all time. I'm no expert on this, as I've never actually worked in a McDonald's, but I think that 25 minutes in the drive-thru is a fairly good indicator of this opinion.

*Southerners are for the most part polite to an extreme. I'm never quite sure how to respond to all the "Yes Ma'am" and "Thank you, all y'all", "Good Mornin'!" and "After you, Ma'am"s I encountered. I'm from Ohio, Northern Ohio. We don't make eye contact with people, much less speak to them simply because they are there. When I stumble out of my hotel room at 5:30 in the morning in my pajamas in search of coffee, I am seriously startled and rather dismayed at having to respond to niceties with other humans. Jesus, I haven't even had coffee yet!

*I'm not sure I'm spelling the "y'all" thing correctly. Is there a dictionary for that language? I'm guessing it's correct because I saw a water tower painted with "Come Back Y'all!"

*I hate Naples. In fact, You will have to bind me, gag me, blindfold me, drug me and drag me back there in a coma, and even then, I'll figure out a way to delay my arrival.

In theory, this trip was a great idea. In reality, save for seeing the kiddos and getting a mini-tan, it wasn't such a good one. I DID manage to find some freakin' awesome peanut butter fudge though, so it wasn't a complete loss.

Gotta love fudge.

Did You Know?

2008-03-14T05:32:00.004-05:00

I got a job cooking. I'm dead tired when I get home, this old chick isn't as wirey as she used to be...

My darling Anna knew exactly what I needed, "A hot Jacuzzi Tub Mom", so she promptly went and started one for me. Anna's into everything girly, so simply getting into the bath was out of the question. No, she needed me to have a "spa experience" replete with candles, fluffy towels, ridiculously over sized sponges, and soothing music - which I might add is completely subjective as it appears that soothing music to her involves ocean sounds and some chick moaning "ahhh-AHH-ahhh" over and over again, and absolutely nothing from my Beatles library.

Anyway, I have to admit that soaking does a body good, but something seemed to be missing.

Aroma.

So I added a drop or two of cucumber melon scented body wash to the bath water.

BIG mistake!

I had no idea that crap was Mr. Bubble in disguise, in about two and a half minutes I was frantically directing Anna to dump armloads of bubbles into the stationary tub while she laughed at me. Who the hell knew?

Just goes to show ya, you're never too old to learn.

My Mother Was A Genius

2008-03-01T08:54:00.004-05:00

Anna got her new ice skates yesterday, eight hundred dollar ice skates. They are really a marvel, solid, heavy, expertly crafted...

They're laying in the middle of the floor.

So, I asked my little darling to please pick them up, along with her coat, her hat, her skating dress, and her pair of old skates as well, and to remove these items from the center of the family room so that I don't inadvertently slice a toe off in the middle of the night.

All of this conversation got me thinking. I can remember when I skated and how I would long for the winter months so I could hit the ice that formed on our pond. Then I remembered something else...

My mom and her crazy means.

You see, we had moved from the city of Cleveland into a farm community in the middle of nowhere. The previous owners of our little farm house were, shall we say, color challenged. They had NO EYE for color, none. We had every freaking color in the rainbow in that house, on wallpaper, doors, walls, cabinets, tile and especially on carpeting. My mother on the other hand is one of those people who can put together a color pallet that looks like something Martha Stewart created. She is somewhat of an expert at arranging furniture, adding interesting patterns to a room and decorating a house with flair and class. Our knotty pine-panelled living room with deep Royal Blue carpeting was so abysmal to her that she could barely stand to enter the room and absolutely couldn't do so without offering an audible and detailed bitching about how hideous it was. My father, by contrast, could live in a cardboard box decorated with crayon drawings by three year olds and think it a palace with "incredible native artwork".

All of my mother's complaining fell upon deaf ears, after all, we had just purchased a farm. Money was tight, there were three kids to feed, and refurbishing the place was really low on the list of priorities, especially when the abhorrent blue carpet was in excellent condition.

I can almost see the light bulb that went off in my mother's head...

Where the hell am I going with all of this, and what the hell do ice skates have to do with anything?

One bright summer day, my mom let my brother Andy, my sister Sharon and I pull out our ice skates and use them. That's right, it seems the synthetic fibered, excellent condition, awful Royal Blue carpet was an awesome substitute for a frozen pond. We skated like three crazed Olympians all over the living room. Naturally, the ridges in our toe picks caught the looped ends of fiber and tore them free from the matting, but that was nothing a pair of scissors couldn't cure. By the end of the day, that carpet had more sculpting to it than anything ever produced by Monsanto Labs, and my mother was in the best mood of her entire adult life.

Mom was ecstatic.

Now, I didn't realize it until today, but what she did was essentially throw the three of us under the bus to get new carpeting. Dad had a mini heart attack, and I'm sure my mom claimed we were rotten kids who did this while she was dutifully attending the yard or some other crap, but within a week or so, we had luxurious white plush carpeting, and since the carpet was being replaced, they may as well tear the disgusting knotty pine down as well, and the furniture was never going to match the new stuff, so.....

I just have to giggle at her, I realize now where I get it.

Jeffee Gets Inspired

2008-01-28T08:01:00.000-05:00

Jeffee throws open the kitchen door and yells, "Honey, quick! Kim! COME HERE, QUICK! You aren't going to believe this," he says breathlessly, "It's a freakin' miracle!"

The man sounds like he's just seen an UFO or something, so I stop what I'm doing and run to the door. I'm greeted by a cold blast of wind and the sight of Jeffee, immensely proud and ready to burst from the great news he has to share. He's holding something and the look on his face is signaling my Spidey Sense to kick in. It's not that I'm suspicious, it's that not even a week ago while we were spending the weekend at my sister's house, he faked me out with an injury just so he could force me to catch a whiff of a monster shit he took in a hallway bathroom. "What is it Jeff?" I ask, not trusting him an inch.

"Look at THIS!" He says.

"Uh huh" I say, "I see you've found a log."

"A log! It's not a log!" He says, "It's... it's, well, it's cool as shit! Look at it Kim! It's a log - IN a log!"

Sure enough, it is.

"That's great honey, really."

"You know what I'm gonna do, don't you?" He asks me.

"I don't dare guess..."

"Gah! I'm gonna put it on eBay! It's like a Jesus log, only there isn't any Jesus or anything in it, but, LOOK at it! Oh! I have to go show it to Eric!" He says, as he runs toward our son in law's house. "He's not going to believe this!"

"I know I can't..." I say to no one, as I slowly close the door, shaking my head.

Writers' Strike

2007-12-30T12:12:00.000-05:00

There's nothing but reruns on television. Nothing but.

So, I decided to jump on the bandwagon.

THIS story is a rerun. So is THIS one. Enjoy.

Happy New Year Everyone!

My Cup Runneth Over, All Over

2007-12-20T07:16:00.000-05:00

You know, I try. I really do.

It is an effort for me to haul myself out of doors to do anything that involves mingling with humanity. Not that I have some sort of agoraphobic problem with being outside or something, no, that's not it. It is simply the PEOPLE I am forced to encounter, interact with, bump into or even see.

God knows I am not a fashion icon, not even close, but for crying out loud I have the presence of mind not to go to the grocery store in my light blue and dirty cloud pajamas and a hairdo that hasn't seen a comb in four days. I just don't do it.

Conversely, I have a very hard time purchasing anything from a man with more makeup on than I do. I mean, come on! At least learn to apply the shit to achieve a more natural look so I can trust your judgement, even I can accomplish that!

I had to get a prescription filled at the drugstore yesterday. Ordinarily, this isn't an event that would inspire a blog post, right? Ordinarily.

It must have something to do with the time of year, the stress associated with the holiday season, the worries about fiscal responsibility, the prospect of your smelly cousins sitting around at Grandma's house, or some such thing that turns what I hope would be a very polite elderly gentleman into a fucking dickwad who cuts in front of you while you are in a line fifteen deep and then has the balls to look you in the eye and say, "They didn't call your name, I was listening" as if he's known you your entire life and has the right by virtue of his greasy white hair to address you in the first place.

As I was saying, it must be the time of year, because I didn't flip out, I didn't grab his arm and shake his rickety bones and holler "THEY DID TOO YOU OLD FART!" No, I simply smiled at the man and nodded my head to the cashier.

See? I am full of Christmas Spirit.

Kim of the Dead

2007-12-17T11:16:00.000-05:00

Hello?

It's me!! Kim, back from the dead. No not really, I didn't die for real I just wanted to for a little while, but I'm allowed to go out and have a cocktail or four again and all of a sudden? Life's not so bad...

First of all, THANK YOU to all of you for all of the nice, warm, loving thoughts you've expressed in here, and the private emails as well. I wasn't allowed to do much of anything during my recovery and one of the worst things was being banned from my computer. I've been in physical therapy for a couple of weeks now, so the doc has given me a green light for the keyboard again. Being away was terribly hard for me, know that, but Jeffee IS a caretaking NAZI and it simply was impossible.

Ok. You know I love to post pictures, so here you are:

TA-DA!!!! My Neck!

I'm actually kinda thrilled about this scar, as it eliminates the big problem of what to be for Halloween. I'm just going to add a couple of bolts sticking out of each side and maybe some green face paint. I am still terribly stiff and cannot turn my head very much so acting like Frankenstein won't really be a stretch for me. Alright then.

Sitting around on my fat ass all this time was torture. I am not known for such things as patience, idle time, or long bouts of television viewing. As a diversion, I started crocheting again. I made four blankets, three scarves and two hats. This is Lily in one:

And in another:

And then the chunky little thing learned to crawl and didn't give a crap about hats or blankets.

Anna had another skating competition and won another medal:

And is skating this weekend at The Q during halftime for the Lake Erie Monsters Hockey game.

Sarah turned eighteen and then promptly pissed off the entire family:

Krissteen sent me these pretty flowers:

And Chris and DB sent us this picture of Jeffee and I while we were visiting them in Hawaii two years ago:

I've done almost all of my Christmas shopping, thank God, and even managed to plan a menu for Christmas day. We're asking each kid to cook something to take the pressure off of me, but that's scary all by itself and I'm not so sure this was such a good idea.

Poor Jeffee has weathered the storm that is Kim bored, recuperating, and on pain meds. He doesn't come straight home from work these days...

I haven't had a fucking cigarette in two months (takes a huge bow).

All in all, things are going well and it feels good to be back among the living.

Thanks for hanging in there with me everyone, you know I love you for it.

Talk at ya soon...

Mom's Ok

2007-11-02T01:04:00.000-05:00

Hi All, Mom is ok!

She had an awesome Doc, Dr. Ahn

Who performed this procedure on her for four hours:

http://www.spine-health.com/dir/anteriorcervicalcorpectomy.html

This is right after surgery & recovery (she's gonna kill me for this):

And this was yesterday:

As you can see, she's feeling better. She came home tonight, but went straight to bed. I'm sure you'll all hear from her soon!

Welcome home mama!

Hiatis

2007-10-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone.

I wanted to take a brief moment to let you all know that I will be away for a while.

I'll be having a surgical procedure done to fix a very painful condition in my back in the next couple of days. I have degenerative bone disease and arthritis and have managed the discomfort and symptoms for a few years. Unfortunately, my cervical spine has become affected and I have three bulging discs, one of which has compressed a nerve root to my right arm and rendered it almost useless, and another which is now pressing on the spinal cord itself, causing indescribable pain.

It is hard for me to type, so I will keep this short. I know that your thoughts are with me, I know you all so well that I can take that liberty, you have all said that to me so many times I actually feel guilty even telling you about this. I want each and every single one of you to know that your words, thoughts, wishes and kindnesses have meant the world to me and that I appreciate you. Thank you for that.

I'm sure one of my daughters or one of my friends will hijack my blog and apprise you of my condition in the coming weeks. Until then, or until I can get back here myself, thank you for your friendship, for your humor, and for your presence.

Love, Kim

Colorblinded

2007-10-12T11:55:00.000-05:00

Jeffee spent the last few days outside. He's been putting away lawn furniture, covering the pool, cutting the grass & pruning shrubs, and getting the yard ready for winter. Consequently, he got a sunburn and his forehead is peeling something awful.

"Hey, hon, do you have any sort of girly face cream or somethin'? I look like I have leprosy and I have a big meeting at work today, I wanna try to hide some of this shit." He says, rubbing his forehead.

"Yeah, sure, it's in the bathroom, help yourself."

"Where in the bathroom?"

"On the ledge, you'll see it, it's right out in the open."

Grumbling, Jeffee makes his way to the back of the house muttering something about "women".

Now, I know this man. This is the same man who could be standing right in front of a basket full of folded towels and ask me if we have any clean. I decide that it might be a good idea to go check on him...

"Jeffee, what are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm putting face cream on, just like I said! "

"Uh, no you aren't."

"YES I am, leave me alone woman, I'm late!" He says, as he furiously rubs a tub full of goop on his face.

"Darling, I hate to tell you this, but you're rubbing hair sculpting creme into your face." And God help me, but I can't stop giggling at him.

"What! goddamn it Kim! Why the hell do you women have to have such colorful shit? How the hell are you supposed to know what the hell is what?"

"We usually read the label."

"This wouldn't happen if men were in charge!" He yells, "A guys' stuff would just say FACE CREAM, or HAIR SHIT, no wonder your all crazy."

No wonder.

NEWS ALERT

2007-10-09T13:27:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone, it's me, Sarah..

I've hijacked my mother's blog to bring you a little update. Sadly, it's not about me (although I am doing very well.. I have a full time job, I'm moving into my own apartment in 30 days and as you can see, I'm still super gorgeous!)

Anyway, this is about my poor sick Merr. It was about nine days ago, while she was apparently "making out with Jeff" (eew) and caught his flu. He's fully recovered, but my mom has the worst immune system known to man, so of course, her symptoms have worsened and rendered her completely miserable.

So for the past week and a half, Merr has been slinking around her house in pajamas patterned with bowling monkeys, muttering things to me like "you're sort of like the devil, except you try to use your powers for good, which is admirable", and she has paid absolutely no attention to the mess of hair on top of her head.

I know you all love my mom. She is beautiful, regardless of the condition of her appearance..

So if you see her, please do not call the police on her. She won't let me take her picture, but this is exactly what she looks like right now:

My poor Merr.

To all my adoring fans, my birthday is November 7, and gifts are always welcome. hugs and kisses!! xoxoxoxoxo

Jeffee's Hip

2007-10-08T08:38:00.000-05:00

When you've been in a long term relationship, you understand certain things.

You come to realize that the brilliant, well spoken, responsible man you fell in love with is actually menusha.

That's right, menusha.

Don't bother looking that word up, as I did. It isn't real per se, it exists only in theory, one based solely in Jeffee world. That theory is this; if Jeff uses a word that isn't a real word -maybe close to a real word but not actually real- and I call him on it, he claims I'm nuts and then fabricates a definition and swears it is slang...

"These announcers make me sick."

"I know! Could they be in favor of the Yankees more? All this menusha, I can't believe it."

"What?"

"What, they're disgusting."

"No, back up, you said what? Menusha?"

"Yeah, it's menusha."

"What the hell is menusha?"

"You know, it's menusha, bullshit. It's slang. You haven't heard that yet?
Men -new -sha, Everyone is saying it."

"Everyone who?"

"I don't know, it's real damn it."

"Uh huh. How exactly do you spell that Jeffee?"

"I would say... m -e -n -u -s -h -u -a, NO... wait, m -e -n -u -sha, yeah, sha. MENUSHA. Look it up."

"How about I look up d-o-r-k instead?"

"You're killin me..."

To Hell With Yard Art...

2007-10-03T07:09:00.001-05:00

I've got ROOF art.

It's the new trend.

Krissteen, Andy, & Guacamole

2007-09-30T08:16:00.000-05:00

Finally!

After 4 years, I finally met Krissteen! I was so happy, so relieved, I cried! Yes! Me! Cried! God, I make myself sick.

It is such an odd thing to meet people in the flesh after having established a relationship over a long period of time on the net. I'm never sure how it's going to go, but I'm happy to say that after only a moment of timidness, we fell right into place and cut up like we usually do. Jeffee and Chris's husband Kevin got along great and in no time, were like twins separated at birth. I knew they'd like each other and I was right. They pretty much stuck together like glue the remainder of the weekend...

I also got a chance to meet my darling friend Andy Martello!

Now Andy's been talking about having a wife forever. I've never actually believed him, as nobody (me) has actually seen her before (Except for Bud) so I refer to her as an "Alleged Wife". I'm happy to report that April is real and she's cute!

Andy took us to a couple of locals' spots for drinks and conversation. The first of which was a psychedelic Denny's-ish place with a fire pit and sofas, with cocktail waitresses running around in ball gowns. Chris and Kevin were very inspired by it all...

So we had to get out of there before they got out of hand. They are mountain folk after all....

So we were all off to the Sahara...

Now this is where the story gets a little interesting.

Andy thought it would be nice to go to a funky little bar, and I mean little, and I also mean funky, located in the Sahara casino. He deliberately picked it out for its kitsch (apparently, girls donate their bras for free drinks) and intimacy. We were all dying to launch into some quality conversation in a local that would afford us the ability to group up and yap. I must say, that had conditions been right, it would have been the perfect spot. However...

Such was not the case.

Little did Andy know, the bar was "protected" by a gargoyle. We found this out because I happened to notice that this:

Was on the television screen and made the mistake of saying out loud, "What the FUCK is on the TV?" This prompted the gargoyle

To turn it's hideous head and say, "It's wrestling. I just love watching men wrestle." Which, of course, made me laugh out loud. Apparently, this is an invitation to all gargoyles to come to your table and slurringly inform you about their lives. Who knew?

In no time, we learned that "it" had four houses and that a Guatemalan was in one of them. Only I didn't hear "Guatemalan", I heard "Guacamole" (I blame the slurring) and interrupted it to ask, "What they hell did you just say? You had guacamole sitting around in your house? What?" Which prompted it's ire. Apparently, guacamole is a filthy word in gargoyle speak. This pissed it off so much, it started stomping imaginary cockroaches all around our table, at least twenty of them. Although we were deeply grateful for its efforts, we were none the less a bit gun shy of the gargoyle, it was a gargoyle after all. Sensing our distress, the gargoyle's human friend (who also doubled as our waitress) tried to intervene.

Unfortunately, it seemed that the intervention was really just a ruse to try to get down my pants. This infuriated the gargoyle and in retaliation, it tried to get down first Andy's pants, then sensing no progress there, proceeded to aggressively try to get down April's. The human friend offered to take our picture, so we let her, and

Just before April knocked the gargoyle out for trying to touch her boobs, we wisely decided it was time to leave. We escaped to the casino's main bar and all sucked down hard shots to try and erase the lingering funk we all seemed to feel. The gargoyle wandered past several times, but thanks to Jeffee and his remarkable ability to imitate a P.A. System, we averted eye contact with it.

While leaving, we noticed some peculiar things about Las Vegas. First, it seems everyone is compelled to do this:

Leave a footprint on the ceilings and support beams of every single parking garage in the city. Jeffee added his. For whatever reason.

Also, it seems they need a sign for everything...

Although why anyone would need to use that much caution moving their vehicle I'll never understand. I guess they have a lot of forgetful people there.

A million and more events took place, but I don't have photographic proof, except for this:

Oh yeah, it's Papa Smurf...

It was a great trip, we had a great time, and we can't wait to go back. Huge thanks to Andy, April, Krissteen and Kevin, we love you guys.

On My Way Babe.

2007-09-20T07:43:00.000-05:00

I'm about three hours from leaving for the airport. Vegas Baby, here I come...

Krissteen? Andy? I hope you guys have your drinkin' pants on. Oh lord...

What WON'T I be doing in Vegas?

That's right, I'm not a fan.

Call me crazy, but whenever I see this:

I only see this:

And I have enough bad dreams as it is.

Talk to you all next week!