Bar Flies Like The Wind

The Cobra and the Mongoose

2009-12-17T00:30:00.000-08:00

A little over a week ago, I went with the fellas in Hello Monster to see Live 105's Local Band Showcase and Battle of the Bands. The battle had something slightly more than your average "handshake and maybe some cash" at stake: the winner of the battle wins the opening spot for Live 105's Not So Silent Night, which is their big Winter concert at the Oakland Arena. The winning band gets to open for Muse, AFI, Vampire Weekend, and a few other heavy hitters.

So why the title? I was trying to come up with the classic conflict, and it seemed fitting, but the comparison I'm making is the ancient struggle that I witnessed that night at the show: the struggle between a band and a sound guy. See, it's an odd symbiotic relationship, and there is a reason that most of the major bands you see much of anywhere all bring their own sound guys with them once they can afford to. Even in my limited experience, unfortunately there tends to be an unspoken rule that bands have to pretty much bend over and take it if the sound guy at the club is being a dick. It's how it goes: it's his club and his gear as far as he (or she, of course) is concerned. Many of them are great; a lot of sound guys I've worked with have been both wonderful people and talented at their job. But when they screw you.... boy do they screw you.

So here's the long and the short of it: the band that was pretty much the front runner as far as I'm aware hit the stage with their work cut out for them. Another band from earlier in the night absolutely blew the place up and had the entire crowd eating out of the palms of their hands. As soon as they hit the stage, something was clearly off. At first I thought it was a matter of my ears - it just seemed like the vocals were off key and the mix in the house just wasn't right.

Then between songs, the lead singer/guitarist asks for more vocals in his monitors. They play another song, he asks for more vocals in his monitors again, and it is distinctly heard that the sound guy tells him that he has to turn his guitar down before he can get anything else in the monitors. This request is ignored. See, this is the dance between bands and sound guys. Guitarists especially (I am speaking as one here) know for a fact that there are "sweet spots" in amplifiers when they are pushed to a certain volume. Sound guys want a much quieter signal, usually, so they can have more control over the volume from their soundboard.

And so it goes.

So a song or two later, the sound guy comes onstage to adjust the bass drum microphone mid-song. It's not uncommon, but it wasn't so glaring that the adjustment couldn't be made between songs. So, the singer from the band makes like he's kicking the sound guy the whole time he's on stage. I personally believe he made contact at least once, but that's still open to debate. So they play, they announce two more songs. They play another song, they announce one more song. They start said song.

Something is wrong.

Something is very wrong: the guitar is about a fifth as loud as it was. Then it hits me: they got yanked. The band tries to end gracefully, which is hard to do when your lead singer is trying to sing into a microphone that isnt' making any sound. So they wrap it up, they throw down their instruments, complete with the guitar leaning up against the amp so it feeds back, the singer flips off the sound guy and storms off stage.

As they are making their way off stage, the sound guy can clearly be heard saying through the monitors "You're done. Get the fuck off the stage."

Now let me elaborate: there was apparently existing beef going all the way back to sound check. Sound guy was a dick to the drummer, and some words were apparently exchanged. Still, to his credit, the band did have to adhere to a time limit as per the schedule, and they may well have gone over. I don't know for sure. I don't know if anyone does. But either way, by being completely punk rock about it, the singer won his band the admiration of a LOT of people there that night. But then again, his band just sounded off for like half an hour plus.

So who wins? Honestly, nobody. Except the band, that is, who was announced the winner of the battle the following morning.

My Dreams in a Nutshell

2009-12-11T00:27:00.000-08:00

This is an instant messenger between myself and a much-revered coworker. I feel it captures my interests as well as personal tastes rather well.

if anybody on the planet would appreciate this link more than you, I would probably pay a tidy cash reward

http://www.youtube.com/user/AlieandGeorgia

two cute girls

who dress up kinda like 50s housewives

and make bizarre cocktails

that usually involve meat

I want to swoop up on the two of them, steal them off to Utah, and have a good old fashioned polygamist wedding and live in alcoholic meat bliss

Though I will admit, I find it somewhat surprising how frequently polygamy factors into my life, you may recall, I recounted my desire to do a similar thing with Au Revoir Simone not too long ago.

Naturally, in a perfect world, I could join my musical brides with my alcoholic meat brides into one giant super mega-fantasy life.

The Censorship Thing

2009-12-03T00:50:00.000-08:00

So a co-worker of mine sent me a link to this article about two weeks ago, and it raises the ever-important question about censorship. See, in lit programs the whole banned books and all that jazz comes up on a moderately regular basis. From my years of teaching and just riding the bus and all the time I spend around young-ish kids, I remain bitter and cynical, which makes me wildly liberal on the censorship thing when it comes to kids. I tend to live by the creed that if kids are reading, we are making epic strides, because they could just as easily be doing any of a million illegal or immoral things, rather than reading a book. Plus, there isn't anything in a book that they can't find on the ol' internet.

First I'll give you a chance to read or skim. Go ahead. I'll wait...

http://www.kentucky.com/latest_news/story/1011029.html?a

There. Ready? Okay, great.

Here's what I think is at the heart of these issues: the age and technology gap. That, and the whole zealotry thing of individuals who think if they don't protect children from the evils of the world. You know, kind of like what parents should theoretically do in the real world. I don't really want to get into dwelling on the article too closely. It's a deep and convoluted issue, and I don't think I could really do my opinion justice here and now. I will just say that there is one line in this article that sums up these ladies and their crazy:

People prayed over me while I was reading it because I did not want those images in my head.

I'm not saying it's strictly a religious thing. I would never go so far as to say that most religious folks would act like these ladies, but man, this is an award-winning comic book, not Penthouse Forum. Heaven help them if they happened across Watchmen or something like that. I guess they could at least find comfort in Rorschach's morality.

Technically it's Not Cheating

2009-12-01T10:15:00.000-08:00

Some of you might gripe that I am just re-posting something from somewhere else, but seeing as how I personally wrote this blog last night, I think it's perfectly legit for me to just hit you with a link. Feel free to comment here, but you just have to read it over at Myspace (no account needed). Yes, I could have cut and paste, but come on now, will one click really kill you?

Hello Monster: What Exactly Happened at Kimo's

Enjoy!

Caught in a Landslide...

2009-11-24T09:55:00.000-08:00

Happened across this little bit of wonderful via Twitter this morning, and it just makes you feel amazing. Maybe it's just me, but I could watch this video all day long and not get tired of it, so I felt like it would be prudent to share it with all you wonderful folks.

Back on Track

2009-11-24T01:22:00.000-08:00

I know I know, it's been a while again, yet I haven't really been keeping up too well all year really. I was just looking at the totals for this year, and jeez, I have been quiet as all hell. I mean, granted, it's better to remain quiet if you don't have much to say, and yes the working world has added a wee bit more monotony than I tend to like, but still, that's a little crazy. I mean, I wrote three times the blogs in 2008 than I have thus far in 2009.

So I'm hoping to find my way back to regular blogging. Tonight feels like a good night to catch up. I've been catching up gradually on the TV shows I regularly watch. For being one of those people who is kind of a jerk about the whole "I don't really watch TV" and "I don't have cable" thing, I am a huge fan of "Heroes" and "Glee". Yep, that's right, kids- captain negative pants, the guy who has something critical to say about damn near everything, happens to have a major weak spot when it comes to a TV show chronicling the singing and dancing escapades of a group of lovable high school outcasts. I mean look at the blissful dazed expression on that little monitor fella in the middle of the picture above, that's about how I feel when I watch Glee. It's downright silly, folks, it really is.

In other news, work has been pretty hectic, I'm just a tad under the weather, and part of me fears that has been the result of me doing everything all the time. I feel like I've been running around like a madman for the past few weeks, so from time to time it's nice to be able to sit back like this, and enjoy the finer things in life, like the occasional episode of TV on Hulu.

Geez, this shaped up to be kind of a schmaltzy "what I'm thankful for" post a few days in advance. Sorry - I will probably be back to my traditional crabby, cranky, bah-humbug self in no time.

Wordless Wednesday, Attempt #1

2009-11-18T23:15:00.000-08:00

So I'm trying to do some of these themed, weekly blog entries. I've seen a handful of bloggers who have done this whole "Wordless Wednesday" thing where they list photos and whatnot. I'll start it off with a bang. This picture makes me laugh every time I see it. Hope it does the same for you.

Damn Right.

2009-11-16T11:02:00.000-08:00

This is me, forty years from now.

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays/statuses/5772660192

The Fading Traces of a Handstamp

2009-11-13T01:00:00.000-08:00

So, as you may have noticed, I haven't really been writing a hell of a lot lately. There are a number of reasons for this, the main one of which is the simple fact that I am essentially never home. I pop in and out from time to time between band practices and all the other social obligations, but that's really about it. Of these varied "social obligations", the main one over the past few weeks has been going to shows. Certainly I'm not complaining, there's little in the world I'd rather be doing, especially on some random weeknight. So you know I'm not exaggerating, let me break it down for you:

Sunday November 1st - Built to Spill at the Fillmore
Monday, November 2nd - The Airborne Toxic Event at the Fillmore
Saturday, November 7th - Los Dryheavers and Get Dead at Annie's Social Club
Monday, November 9th - The Pixies at The Fox Theater
Thursday, November 12th - Headlights at Cafe Du Nord

Five shows in eleven days. It's been a wild ride. Toss in about five band practices in there, plus my regular full-time work schedule. But it makes me stop to think: what is it about seeing live music that gets me going so much. I mean, it's time, and I don't want to think about how much I've spent in that time span between tickets and drinks. But still, seeing good shows (and I can say that pretty much all of those were excellent shows in their own right) does two things to me: it makes me want to go out and see more good shows, and it makes me want to play more shows myself.

There's also just something about going out, seeing people do their thing onstage and having a great time, there's a certain amount of pride I feel in walking into work the next day, the remnants of a handstamp fading off my hand or wrist, knowing I probably had a better and more fun night than most of the people I walk past. Still, I'm kind of looking forward to a week or two that I don't have any shows on the calendar to go to. It might actually give me a little chance to take some of that inspiration of seeing all these bands and write some music again.

Come on barbie.

2009-11-08T22:30:00.000-08:00

I've noticed a trend here and there from time to time, and even witnessed it firsthand the other day, and it was terrible. It's the bald-head-with sideburns look. Shaquille O'Neal did it for a while and it didn't quite work, I've seen a few other celebs try it and it's been worse. Naturally, as the title of this posting might indicate, the most famous violator of this look was that dude from the band Aqua, but his were even worse, as it was an over-the ear band of hair that connected into a semi-sideburn that was just chock full of douchiness. A more recent violator is Tim Nordwind of the band Ok Go. Paired with the fact that he always tends to be a bit more flamboyant in his clothing choices than the rest of his bandmates, he is further proof still of why you never want to be that guy with the bald head and the sideburns. Just let it go, man. Just let it go. I mean look at him, he looks like Powder (or Michael Stipe) with giant caterpillars crawling past his ears.

The other violator that is similar, which also seems to be making a comeback is the shaved head/full beard combo. Again, just because you can't grow hair on your head somewhere doesn't mean that you should try to compensate by growing it elsewhere. Imagine how bad that could get - some dude has a completely shaved head, yet compensates for it by growing an epic patch of back hair to make up for it. No facial hair but a massive carpet of chest hair peeking out from over his collar. (Tubes, I'm looking in your direction) I won't even go into the hair in "other parts" that might be grown to compensate, because that's gross.

There's only one person who can pull off the beard and bald look, and that's Kimbo Slice. I may or may not actually think that, but look at the guy. I'm really quite sure he could tear me from limb to limb, so in the sake of preserving my life, I will say "lookin' good there, big guy."

Some Rainy Weather Free Verse

2009-10-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

From my co-worker:

Fuck
Left
Sunroof
A crack
Shit!
Bill
Theres
A puddle
Its a leak
Not the window
Fuck

Hang tight, PT.

Button it Up

2009-10-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

Yes. I know I haven't written in over a week. I'm lame and terrible and am breaking the cardinal rule of blogging, that whole thing about how if you don't write frequently enough people will stop paying attention and reading and all that. Then again, that might be why my technorati rank is 1,603,173. Oh well.

So, a while back, I bought some new jeans. I heard that Gap was doing that big ol' campaign about their new jeans, and when they released them, they had all sorts of kick ass sales. I decided to take advantage (due in part to the fact that my jeans are getting sorrier by the week) and I finally got around to wearing one of the new pairs recently. I like the look, I like the style, and all that jazz. I feel like it was money well spent and all those other frugal platitudes.

But here's the thing. The damn jeans have a button fly.

I don't know who invented the button fly. Secretly I blame the Amish. But then again, I totally can. This is the internet. Lord knows the amish aren't online. I don't even know if they can, in accordance with their culture, read things that have been printed off the internet. Interesting question. If you have the answer, let me know.

But anyways, back to the fly. Button flies are awful. While they're buttoned, it's not all that bad. But gawddamn, god forbid I really have to pee. It's so awkward and difficult. Needlessly so. I swear, it's like having a corset for your junk - you're all bound in there and it takes a degree of skill, dexterity, and coordination in order to get out of there. I just don't get it. Well, I guess the bright side is that, after all that ordeal, I don't have to worry about walking out of the bathroom with my fly down. Well, I guess there was that time the other night where I skipped a button. That was... an interesting sensation.

All Doors Are Closing

2009-10-01T00:41:00.000-07:00

I need not remind you all I'm not a morning person. If you ever, ever forget that fact, just call me before ten in the morning. I hate to sound redundant, but it's an important reminder from time to time, and it is a rather necessary preface to this little tale.

This morning I caught the bus at pretty much the same time as I always do. I tend to be pretty much within the same range all the time. Today's bus was a tad more crowded than usual, and I wound up with a pack of grade school girls standing across from me. This was fine. But to give you an idea of just how close they were to me; one of them leaned back and went headfirst into my book, which was already leaning up by my chest.

This invasion of personal space continued for much of the ride from various people at various angles, but I can absolutely accept that as a necessary evil of public transportation. These things happen. That is not my gripe. Just, at the end of the morning's ride, I was already in a somewhat aggravated, somewhat fragile mental state. So getting off the bus was a bit of an adventure, and I'll tell you why:

Because all the damn morons who clog the bus stops of my fair city can't understand the simple concept of allowing people to exit a bus before putting their head down and trying to force their way into the doorway as if the bus will drive away and never come back.

Today, at my stop, I had to trip and stumble my way to the door, contorting myself like an Eastern European acrobat so as not to brain the people sitting down or to dry hump the poor overweight septuagenarian who no one was willing to give up a seat for. I see daylight, make my move, just happy to keep my shoes on my feet, and the next thing I know I'm almost taken out by the kneecaps by two women with jogging strollers who are trying to press their way onto my streetcar. They seemed to be hoping that, despite the fact that my large frame scarcely escaped with all limbs intact and no bodily harm inflicted on my person or that of those around me, that they might fool the keepers of the doors into somehow creating space for them so that they may magically board and ride comfortably.

This, dear readers, is not how I want to start a Wednesday. I try to be mindful of those around me, and I don't like to play the role of linebacker around my unsuspecting fellow commuters, least of all those with small children in tow, but I'll be damned if I wasn't close today. So the next time you go to board a bus, give those exiting ample time to get out of the bus (and out of your way - funny how those things coincide). It's rule number one of riding MUNI. Literally.

Au Revoir Simone

2009-09-28T23:45:00.000-07:00

So, you kids should hopefully be aware of the band Au Revoir Simone. True, you have to be somewhat in the know when it comes to modern indie music, but damn are they wonderful. It's three drop-dead gorgeous hipster girls from Brooklyn playing indie synth pop exactly how it should be played. While all their music is just gangbusters, there is one song in particular that especially sets my heart aflutter, and they just released a video for it:

Now, since my dear sweet Zooey D is married away to Mr. Death Cab, these ladies are now the cutest thing since bite-sized sliced bread.

So here's my plan: I own a MicroKorg, which is a pretty respectable keyboard in it's own right. I'm thinking that sooner or later I'm going to book a flight to Brooklyn, find these lovely ladies' rehearsal space, keyboard in tow. In due time, I'll convince them that what they really need is a fourth member. A male member. From San Francisco. (hurr hurr hurr, I said "member".... twice!)

Then, after a little time of learning all their songs, making myself a productive band member and trusted friend, we book a tour. Said tour will inevitably swing through Utah. Once we're in Utah, BAM! I marry all three of them on one fell swoop.

Then we start a family band and live happily ever after in music and looooove. And maybe kittens. Those girls have gotta love kittens.

So Bill...

2009-09-17T21:54:00.001-07:00

... what have you been doing all this time since you last raved about chili cheese tots?

I suppose the best answer would be "a little bit of everything." Things have been kicking in the music world, with Hello Monster putting the finishing touches on our still-yet-to-be-named EP. The Lava Rats are practicing regularly-ish again, and the Reducing Agents still rock out when time allows. I've been going to a lot of shows, hanging out with the fellas (successfully) and chasing the ladies (unsuccessfully). And work work work. Oh, and I've been building bookcases
for Nate.

But tonight I'm back in my element: somewhat sleep deprived and sipping a cup of coffee at the cafe. And dammit does that feel good.

So as I tend to do when I have issues coming up with what to write about, I went back to the archives and looked for inspiration, and today I noticed, no surprise at all, just how much this blog reflects what my main focus in life is: while I was writing the thesis, I wrote a ton of posts about books and literary theory and all that jazz. When I was unemployed, I wrote mostly about the interesting things happening in the world around me, and all throughout I've had music stuff interspersed pretty often.

So what have my posts been about for the last little while? Pretty much nothing. And that's when I realize I'm in a bit of a rut. Much as I feared, free time has not treated me well. I tend to be the type of person who needs a fire lit under their ass, and my buns are barely warm at the moment. So I'm hoping to get something new going, I don't know what. I have a few ideas scattered about, so I'm hoping that once I figure out where my energies might go, it will kickstart a little bit of creative life again, and I will be that much more engaging here on the blog. So with that bit of a downer, I'm calling it a night because I don't really know when I'll be able to get some sleep in the next week or so. Which makes pursuing new projects harder still. Humbug.

Tots, Part II

2009-09-07T23:53:00.000-07:00

A quick one before I succumb to exhaustion. You may recall, and I'm reaching way back into the vaults for this one, but I wrote a year and a half ago about cheezy tots. Unfortunately, up to this point I have still not ventured into the flavor country known as cheezy tots. Alas, I tend to not be around Burger King in the mornings, and I don't necessarily think that will be changing any time soon.

However, today I happened upon another fast food place I pretty much will never go to again: Sonic. (before going on, I will say that I'd love to go to Sonic a lot more often. However, considering that the closest location is about sixty miles from my house, I don't have a lot of chances to make it out there) At said Sonic, I discovered one of the most wonderful taste sensations from the advent of those golden-brown crispy goodness known as tots. For those of you who know Sonic, you might know where I'm going with this one. For those of you who don't know Sonic, I present you...

Chili-Cheese Tots. That's right kids, cheezy tots are soooo 2008. In the past year, scientists the world over discovered that mere cheese was not enough for tots. No no, good friends. They realized with the addition of chili to said cheese and tots, that the flavortastic wonderment was increased tenfold. Now we can chili-fy our hunger zones in new and fantastic ways for under five bucks.

So, while I still would like to try the King's attempt at injecting the pillowy potato treats I love so dear with cheese, I thumb my nose at them for not having realized the utopia of flavor that is gained by adding chili to these delightful treats.

Thank you, flavor science of the future, for giving my taste buds a five minute siesta from the workaday world while providing me hundreds of empty calories that I can carry around just above my belt for weeks to come.

What's Wrong with This Picture?

2009-09-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

I will be brief, as it is once again late, but man, this cracks me up.

I happened across this image in the course of my work day. The writer of the list is a nurse, writer, and blogger from the North Bay, and I'm sure she's a wonderful woman. I really appreciate what she does for women, and I even feel bad snickering over her, as I believe she does a a lot of good. But problem number one: she's a blatant hippie. Like, really blatant. Also, she put on her to do list, which she shared publicly on both her blog and her twitter account, to have sex with her husband. I mean, tally ho -- good on her for rockin' the Casbah still after all these years -- but to put it in a to do list?

At least it out-ranks catching up on Twitter.

(plus, did she miss my post yesterday about how once you say something publicly on the internet, the universe conspires against you? How can she jeopardize her sweet nooky by telling the aether that she's gettin' some tonight?)

Minor Fail

2009-09-01T00:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I made a tactical error in writing publicly that I would be able to achieve epic amounts of blogging this evening. I forgot one of the cardinal rules of the internet: never claim you're going to get something done, because once you hit "publish", the universe will conspire to keep you from achieving anything you have said you would.

Kind of like when I said tomorrow I was going to NOT become a millionaire....

So I'd cooked up this plan to write up a ton of blogs and pre-date them so that they'd publish throughout the week, since I know I won't have time to write much this week. Again. Then I came home, and the passenger door of my car was in pieces. So, since I cannot hardly write to save my life when in my humble abode, I got this blog done and that's it. Because I'm horrible and unproductive. But on the bright side, my passenger window now rolls both up and down. First time in... oh, a year and a half. Maybe more.

There is one thing I wanted to discuss tonight that I suppose ties in somewhat to my blog inabilities of the evening. See, no matter how much I want to or how much I may plan, I seem to lack the general ability to get to sleep at a time most people would deem "normal." See, I am a night person. You know that. You see when I usually write these blogs. Myself and night time go together like peas and carrots. But this is the thing: I've kind of been exhausted for a good two weeks or so. Tonight was one of those rare nights where I have not spent the night out somewhere. I did not have band practice. I didn't need to meet anyone for drinks (and yes, I do need that from time to time). I didn't have tickets to a show...

But guess what? It's currently 12:55 in the flippin' morning, and I am not asleep. I am horrible at this. Could I have written this anywhere in the five and a half hours since I finished dinner? Absolutely. Did I? No. Because apparently I have some dire need to make each morning at least as miserable as the morning before if not moreso. I know I wrote that blog about a month ago about that whole "getting up in the morning and being well rested" thing, and I believe that's probably the last time I woke up well-rested and chipper when waking up to an alarm.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go try to make up for my never sleeping. By sleeping. I hear it's the bee's knees.

Ante Up!

2009-08-31T11:56:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday!

Look forward to much blogeration tonight.

So Bill, How Did You Spend Your Weekend?

2009-08-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

Well, thanks for asking. I spent the entire weekend at PopSmear studios in San Rafael, hanging out with the band, Scott, our fearless producer, his engineer Joel (from an amazing band called Scene of Action), and Scott's dog Cooper. And I tell you what, dear readers, recording is some exhausting stuff. You all know me to some degree, and you all know that I'm not one of those people who sleeps, really. Yeah, I sneak in a day here and there to really put head to pillow, but generally speaking, I trend to not require as much sleep as the average bear. But man, I tell you what, recording is some exhausting stuff. It's not mentally taxing, it's not even specifically physically taxing, there's just some combo of having to be listening critically, being ready to play at any second, and drinking that really takes it out of you.

So now, after three full days in the studio, we have the vast majority of four songs recorded (sans vocal harmony, but that's about it, and everything else sounds flippin' fantastic). And now that I'm home for the night, I'm dog tired. Things sound great, I got to rock the CD in my car all the way home, and all I can do is think about hopping in the shower and sleeping like the dead.

Of course, as happens in the life of Bill, I happen to have plans every night of the week. I know they say no rest for the wicked, which makes me wonder what cosmic being I pissed off in order to wind up like this. You'd think I slept Vishnu's sister or got drunk and punched out God's cousin. Oh well. Thus is life.

Nerd Transport, Part 2: The Segway

2009-08-17T00:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay - I was out of town all weekend, and haven't hardly been in front of the computer since Thursday.

But, walking to work this morning, not only did I walk behind the tool that fell off his scooter some days ago, another block closer to my office, I saw coming towards me such a singular abomination, I couldn't get the camera in my iPhone ready in time to take a picture. Coming towards me at about 5 mph was a Segway.

Yeah, I see them around, I know about all the tour groups that use Segways as easy transportation, and I think it's wonderful. Then again, they also use those silly little electric yellow three-wheeler thingies, but I don't see private citizens running out to buy one of those.

So once again you have it: nerd status symbol, lazy transportation, and yet another means of transport that I wouldn't be caught dead on. See a few weeks back, I had a discussion with a friend about Segways. He said they were compelling, and that it seemed interesting, and I agree wholeheartedly. However, the problem is, if I actually got on one of those things except for on an organized tour, I might have to punch myself in the face.

Yet another piece in the puzzle of my Segway aversion: this past year in the Jeopardy Teen Tournament, there was a chubby lad of about seventeen whom most of us would call a dork. Granted, the mere fact that he was on the Jeopardy teen tournament probably didn't bode well for him. Still, he had a rather unfortunate bowl cut, glasses, and was wearing a blazer that looked like it needed a crest on it. So in the regular "meet the players" part of the program, Alex Trebek talked to him about his plans for college and the fact that still at almost eighteen, the gent didn't have a driver's license. He informed ol' Trebek that he never really planned to get a license either. And when asked about going around campus, Alex asked if, like most people, he was planning on getting a bike.

Of course, he replied that he had one plan: to use the money that he might use on a car to purchase a Segway. Thanks kid, for confirming every single stereotype about doughy nerds and their choice of transport. No bike, no car. Just him leaning forward ever so slightly to get wherever the world needs him to be. Plus, we know all too well, there is only one person on this whole planet who can make a Segway look cool...

Confession

2009-08-12T01:15:00.000-07:00

I'm going to come out and say it: I don't like camping.

I suppose even that is a bit rash. See, it's not that I don't like camping, it's just that even the idea of camping has absolutely no appeal to me whatsoever. I know it's wonderful to get away, to find places with no cell reception or anything and just "be one with nature" and all that. But not for this guy. No way. Not me.

I really quite like getting outdoors, even out of the city. I like a good hike from time to time, I really enjoy both the fresh air that is to be had out amongst the wonderful trees, and there is hardly a single sight I enjoy than a pitch black night with a sky full of stars. No noise pollution, no air pollution, just a clear night sky through the treetops. But here's the kicker about all that: I like to take all that in, and then go have a nice snooze somewhere inside. On a bed. As much as I tend to enjoy relieving myself in public (I mean, come on, who doesn't?), I prefer having that be a second option behind indoor micturition. It's the simple difference between choice and necessity.

The other big lure everyone talks about other than sleeping under the stars and getting away and all that is the whole "ohh, every night you can have a camp fire to sit around." Well, I find fores to be far more enjoyable when either on the beach or when they are across from a couch with a nice young woman on it. Again, proximity to a bed is a factor in this one, but you know what I mean - wink wink. Then again, no cozy fire anywhere has done me much good in general lately.

So for all the wonders of relaxation, starlit nights, and communing with nature, I think I'd do much better with a flushing toilet and a bed.

Stability: Or, The Nerd Scooter

2009-08-05T01:10:00.000-07:00

I work in a part of town that panders to nerds. It's commonly called "media gulch" in tech circles, and there are times when I'm walking around that I don't know if I am more inspired by the hipsters from the Academy of Art, or mildly repulsed by the nerds who talk about processor speeds and latency with the fervor that most people reserve only for discussing carnal relations.

So it is with this kind of "slightly over all the nerds I encounter every day" mentality that I set out of the office at the end of the day yesterday. I've been in a wee bit of a funk as of late, and therefore I have not been the most empathic person in all of the SOMA district in the past week or two. One thing that I have been consistently rolling my eyes at for the entire duration of my past year's employ at my company has been all the grown men (because, let's be honest, it's always the men) going around on some nerdy "professional" version of a Razor Scooter.

You all remember the Razor scooter, right? They kind of went out when Hansel rode one to the VH1 fashion awards back in 2001 when he upset Derek Zoolander for Best Male Model. You remember them - the scourge of college campuses not because of the sheer number of people riding the, but for the number of people who fell all over the place in an attempt to ride them. Well, thing is, for some tech "professionals" they never went out of style - they just got a little bit bigger, and for some, they got motorized.

Now it's these motorized ones that bother the living hell out of me. They're noisy, the people that "ride" them tend to be asshats, and they leave a nasty trail of exhaust. So despite my funk, I had a little glimmer of sunshine on my walk to the bus yesterday. One of the office buildings I walk past every morning and evening has a long winding walkway (in accordance with the ADA), which I've seen a handful of hotdogs ride their bike up. So as I'm walking towards the bus, awash in the sounds of Explosions in the Sky, I notice a dork with a motorized scooter exiting the building. Rather than being rational, and waiting to crank up the old motorized scooter, he apparently decided that he just needed to risk the hairpin turns of the handicap walkway. So in the blink of an eye he cranks his motor, heads down the ramp, and thwap he goes ass over handlebars, over the railing on the walkway, and into the bushes.

For the little part of me that couldn't help but stifle that "man, I hope he's okay" reaction, there was a huge part of me that smirked and thought "and this could have all been avoided had he simply not been a tool and tried to take his scooter down a wheelchair ramp.

But before you curse me and the fact that I'm a heartless bastard, rest assured - he got up, walked his scooter down the remainder of the walkway (as he should have in the first place) and rode off around the corner.

The "We" Thing

2009-08-03T01:01:00.000-07:00

I spend a decent amount of the week (and really a decent amount of my life these days) around a number of married friends and coworkers. I am a big fan of all of them, and all of their respective spouses (at least those I've met, and hell, even those I haven't met). There's one thing, however, that does tend to grind my gears a little bit.

Yes, I know this comes from my bitter single self. It comes from having oh... six years or so of fairly contiguous singularity. But I tell you what, it still kind of makes me a little grumpy from time to time when friends only in the "we". And no, I don't mean the royal "we."

For instance, when I ask a friend what he (because let's be real, it's a he 95% of the time) did the past weekend or what he's up to that night, I am asking him. I know that for most married couples (at least I'd certainly hope so) their evening and weekend plans often involve one another, but come on. Once you light that unity candle, there's a reason you don't blow out your individual candle. To hear statements like "we don't get out as much as we used to" or "I have to see what we're up to this weekend" it is really just a way of making it seem more passive that you have to check with the wife before doing things. I get that. I understand that. Hell, I support that. By all means, please communicate with your loved one. Just don't try to pass it off as something it isn't - just say "I have to check with the wife" or whatever it is. And when I ask how you are doing, I am asking how you are doing. Allow me that and give me a straight answer; chances are, right after I ask that, I'll ask how the wife is doing. (or the husband, or the life partner - I love 'em all)

Yes, I realize in the sick twisted world that is English Grammar, the plural of two people is also "you". If anybody knows that, it's me. But do you really think your single buddy would really be asking about the coupled activities that filled the days of you two people sharing in matrimony?

Again, I know that I just sound like bitter single guy, but I really don't think I am (at least not in this particular instance). I congratulate and commend all of you wonderful married readers for your years of wedded bliss, and I wish you many more, and in this case, I do mean you as in you two, whomever "you two" may be. But I just want to put the word out there as a public service announcement for all you wonderful married folk, be mindful of your "we" since there are some people who have been an "I" for entirely too long.

It Finally Makes Sense to Me

2009-07-30T00:45:00.000-07:00

Two facts you may have already gleaned from me:

1) I am a night owl, and therefore quite the "not a morning person"

2) I have been under the weather recently, and therefore I have been getting a lot more sleep lately.

Suddenly, everything makes a hell of a lot more sense. See, last night I was feeling kind of like garbage, so I hit the ol' hay around nine o'clock - a feat I have not accomplished since the ripe age of... I don't even remember when. I still woke up at the usual time, around 7:15, yet something was off. I wasn't really cranky. I didn't immediately feel a distaste for anyone I laid eyes on. My stomach was completely settled, my head was clear as a bell, and I felt a bit of a devil-may-care attitude as I woke up.

Suddenly, I realized: this is what it's like for those well-rested morning people. See, all those mornings that I was tired and frustrated, those smiling masses were waking up from their eight or ten hours of sleep, ready to tackle yet another day as the sun rises.

So what's my solution? Now that I'm feeling better, I am staying up until the wee hours of the morning writing a blog about the whole "wow I got sleep one night and felt like a normal human in the morning" thing. Perhaps old blue eyes put it best (not that this applies to me tonight or at all this week): "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Amen, Frank.