the hermit

Remodeling

2005-07-02T15:53:00.000-05:00

Moving into a new house always means changing things around to suit your lifestyle and your taste. Safety, too, like upgrading wiring. In some ways, it's a very selfish, personal thing. Most people like to live in a home that matches their aesthetic sense; it's inherently pleasurable. And let's be honest -- shopping can be fun, too.

Needless to say, I've done a lot of that. In our previous house, we didn't do a lot. It came to us beautiful, and there wasn't much we could do to improve it. This house, from the beginning, we knew was going to be a project -- much more fancy, less grand -- more us.

I've learned a lot of things doing it, as well, I'd never really done any electrical stuff before. Honestly, it scared the crap out of me. Not anymore. I've changed nearly every light fixture in the house; the only things I haven't done are the chandelier in the dining room (it's too big to do myself, and I'd rather pay someone who's got more experience for that) and ceiling fans, because of the bracing & other structural stuff. I'm aware of my limits, and I'm all too aware of what idiots who think they can save a buck by doing it themselves with no thought to the whys or wherefores are capable of. (I'll have to tell the sad tale of Caulk Man in another entry.)

But it makes me feel more not only more responsible for & proud of my home, but also generally raises my self-esteem.

Surviving painting just makes me relieved, though, and that's been the project for much of the last week.

This room was an upstairs den. That's how the previous tenants had it. Under that wretched 70s mottled shag carpet is lovely oak. Before we even moved in, we had the few rooms with carpet in them shorn of their woolly hideousness, and all the floors refinished.

That left bad track lighting, and walls the color of putty. I pulled out the old track, installed a new one, and put on cobalt-glass shaded pendants. The room is going to be a meditation space/library, and we purchased a bunch of Chinese style furniture. I have a little seiza bench and matching desk which I use for my shakuhachi music. Barbara finished the bare wood with a crackle glaze (black over orange) then washed it with brown translucent glaze to unify it, and completed it with a high gloss finish. It looks great.

We went back and forth on the walls for a while. We were pretty sure we wanted blue, but we didn't know which shade. Ultimately, I was the one who went to the paint store & picked out the color. I brought the paint home & showed the chip to Barbara, who promptly announced, "That's horrible. That isn't the color you got, was it?"

I was not pleased.

After feeling like dirt for a bit, I looked at the color again, next to the furniture, and said, "This will work. Trust me."

As we painted, Barbara began to warm up to the paint. "It looks like turquoise," she said. "Really sky blue turquoise, and the furniture's kind of the color of red coral, so it has kind of a Tibetan feel."

"Yes," I said, as I rolled along the back wall. "I know."

Now, she really likes it.

I feel vindicated.

As I sat down this afternoon to meditate, I thought that the process of sitting is kind of like remodeling. It is for me, anyway.

After I restarted my blog, my friend Bryian dropped by & loaned me a copy of a book called The Stages of Meditation, by the Dalai Lama.

Now, I have a major admission to make: Unlike perhaps any other American Buddhist, I have never read anything by the Dalai Lama. The closest is The Jew in the Lotus, which has parts about the Dalai Lama. In fact, I've much clicked with Tibetan Buddhism. It's interesting, and I've drawn inspiration from it, but it's never seemed like the path I wanted to take. I can't even really tell you why, it just doesn't 'click' or something.

Actually, I can tell you part of it. First of all, this particular book, being a commentary on a sutra, is very dense, with a lot of rigorous argumentation. I'm all for rigorous argumentation, but sometimes it feels as if all the concepts and ideas just weigh down the direct experience that, to me, is the essence of practice.

The other thing, and I'm kind of ashamed to admit this, is the intense focus on compassion and lovingkindness for the entire universe. Frankly, that's just too big for me to encompass. There are just too many things that piss me off, that I believe are flat out wrong -- and people who willingly, knowingly, intentionally, do those things. And I don't feel the need to be compassionate or loving towards those individuals. Perhaps someday, in this life or some other, that will be so, but not now.

Instead, I'm trying to work on remodeling my mind. Getting rid of the things that don't work, that trip me up. It's selfish, at this stage, but the intention is broader than that.

In the same way that remodeling my house makes me a more content person, more able to live my life efficiently, safely, and joyfully, so, I hope, does meditation. And, like remodeling, the process is messy, and seems to take forever. It's also never done; there's always something else to work on.

Hopefully, though, as I become more secure, satisfied, and content, removing those thought-patterns which get in my way, I can more effectively give what I have to the rest of the world.

That's the plan, anyway. For now, I'm still busy knocking down walls, rewiring, and painting.

iPods & Mindfulness

2005-07-02T01:07:00.000-05:00

Since the iPod can, if you believe the hype, do everything but wash & fold the clothes, I might as well chime in & say I use mine as a meditation timer. I have a CD that I got from DharmaCrafts that has various length blank tracks & then an end chime. If I had been less lazy, I could have made the same thing, myself, although by the time I got it, I'd already packed much of my studio stuff away.

Anyway, I ripped the CD to iTunes & made a bunch of playlists for 15, 20, 25 & 30 minute periods. Right now, I'm only doing 15 minutes. Or that's the plan, anyway.

Except, as if in mute testament to my lack of mindfulness, nearly every time I use the darn thing, I press some incorrect button or don't turn on the speakers (No, I can't meditate with headphones in, so I plug the iPod into some speakers.) End result -- I sit until I realize that I can't sit still anymore.

Next time, I start to get antsy -- have I set the right time? Did I actually turn on the critter? Is it too loud?

Yet another distraction. And another reminder to actually pay attention to what I'm doing.

If I was a clever monkey, I would just go in search of one of the old portable CD players & keep it, permanently, in my meditation room, with the CD in it. Of course, that involves going through boxes, and I have no idea where the thing is...

And it all goes round & round & round again. Rather like breathing.

Taking up practice. Again.

2005-06-27T13:05:00.000-05:00

The last several months have been a whirlwind. Moving, unpacking, remodeling, painting, working to assure my stepdaughter's safety and sanity...just about everything except practicing.

By practicing, I mean any number of things. The most obvious is meditation. But, as that slipped away, so too did blogging, structured musical work, and just about everything else that wasn't right in front of me. Stress piled up, as have the bills.

So, now I'm moving to turn that around, to reapply not just some structure, but some real engagement and mindfulness. 'Being in the moment' isn't just about immediacy, it's about being aware of one's intentions, and the possible consequences of any given action. When I lose that, I have discovered, panic and avoidance slip in and poison my personal well-being.

Getting back to sitting has been extremely rough. As soon as there's some silence in my head, I can hear all the shrieking, panicked voices, the inchoate existential fears. This is not pleasant, and my mind is very good at slipping away, and my willpower has atrophied to the point that turning my attention and empathy back is very challenging.

Not having a sangha is also difficult, because I feel isolated and alone, which only increases the challenge. In the past, I've compensated by reading various books that I've found inspirational. Since they're all still packed (and will be until more painting is done...) that avenue isn't open to me. And I'm very resistant to getting my spiritual nourishment from books alone. That didn't work to well while I was a Pagan, and it's not a mistake I want to repeat.

Part of the problem is that I'm bloody impatient. I'm not interested so much in The Enlightenment Experience (tm, pat pend). I'm more interested in the trip down the mountain than the journey up. But until I have something to share (or, perhaps more accurately, I am more aware of what I have to share and how better to share it) I need to do the preliminary work.

So, it's back to the cushion, back to running scales, back to searching for that one pure, clear note where bamboo and fingers disappear, and only the burning breath remains.

A new twist on the 'job hunt'...

2005-04-05T12:56:00.000-05:00

Well, now that I'm here, it's time to look for a job. Hrm...ah...here's something:

Vikings wanted

OSLO, Norway -— Help wanted: Vikings. Must be friendly, tourist-oriented and interested in ancient Norse traditions. Crazed, bloodthirsty pillagers need not apply.

In a rare employment opportunity for Vikings, whose job market peaked about 1,000 years ago when they terrorized Europe in their longboats, southern Norway's Vestfold county wants to fill slots at its local historical park.

The ad, to appear in local media Saturday, will be simple: "Jobs available. Vikings in Vestfold,'' with a link to the center's Internet home page, said Lars Kobro, self-described chieftain of the Midgard Historical Center.

"More and more we see that tourists are interested in Vikings,'' Kobro said Tuesday. "They don't want just exhibits, but face-to-face encounters.

But the center is seeking to play down the Scandinavian Vikings' reputation as wild, murderous looters who pillaged and burned through much of Europe, a claim Kobro said was largely exaggerated in texts left by ancient English monks.

"They were really more traders and merchants,'' said Kobro. He said they are seeking a corps of about 50 part-time Vikings, ready to turn out at the center when needed.

Unfortunately, I'd have to relocate again. To Oslo. And, while leaving the country isn't necessarily a bad idea, I'm not about to do it right now. I think we'll hunker down here and weather the storm in this brick fortress.

(Thanks to James for this)

Limbo, cont.

2005-04-04T02:10:00.000-05:00

It was easy. Too easy.

Actually -- there haven't been many problems. The wireless network has been more or less behaving itself (always miraculous) and my project this weekend was to get my new desk built & my real computer up & running. Laptops are useful conveniences, but I really don't like using them more than necessary. My wrists particularly dislike them.

Mission accomplished -- I have just finished constructing the most insidious piece of particle board furniture I've ever had the pleasure (?) to construct. Someone really went nuts with their CAD/CAM. Hooking up the system itself was a breeze -- the advantage of the new desk is that it's intelligently designed, and allows for all my various pieces parts & their cables, while providing easy access to my tower. Pretty miraculous, really.

Of course, I'm sharing the room with a lot of plastic sheeting, some cheap plywood, the vanity from the bathroom that isn't quite done yet, and a wet/dry vac. So it's not yet ideal. But once I'm at the keyboard--I could care less. Hopefully, the bathroom will be done in the next week or so. (Theresa -- it's going to be Alien Bathroom 2.0.)

But enough minutiae. Tomorrow, I'll be back to blogging proper, rather than blathering numbingly on the minutiae of cheap computer desks. I've barely even been reading -- just packing, moving, and unpacking, and planning & preparing for doing much work on the house.

Limbo

2005-03-30T14:24:00.000-05:00

I have a house. I have internet. I have the wireless network set up. The necessities are complete.

I am still on the laptop; it will be several days until I can get into my office-to-be & put together my desk & PC. As a result, I probably won't be posting, or even doing much online. Laptops are convenient, but bloody uncomfortable -- my wrists hate it when I use the laptop.

The move went reasonably smoothly. It rained torrentially on Monday, so we were forced to postpone the move a day, as our driveway was a hundred yards of mud, and I knew that if a semi was even able to get in, it wouldn't get out. On the bright side, it gave us a day of rest, and a day for the contractors to finish up the two bathrooms upstairs & the kitchen.Well, mostly finish the kitchen, anyway.

The cats are not happy with their new home. They will be, but they'll need to adjust.

I am very happy, and very happy to be back in Athens. It's good to be home, but strange -- I still can't believe I don't have to leave. Except to make one final trip to the old house to pick up some last things & the other dog. Carrying seven cats and one dog was enough -- another hundred pounds of husky would have been a bit much.

I'll be back.

2005-03-26T10:42:00.000-05:00

Mere moments after I post this, I'll be disassembling my PC. Monday, the movers arrive & take all our carefully boxed belongings to the new house. On Tuesday, the cable people will supposedly hook us up. So sometime before 2006, I'll be back online & returning to regular posting.

Until then, hasta la vaca grande.

Moving on

2005-03-14T11:51:00.000-05:00

Two weeks from today, I'm moving from here (near Columbus, OH) to Athens, Ohio. While I'm really excited to go home -- although I didn't grow up there, the six years I lived there convinced me that it was home -- I loathe packing & moving. As a result, I'm trying to limit my online time to keep me from avoiding said unpleasant task. So posts here are going to be sporadic for a while.

The other reason I'm moving is that this place is changing, rapidly and painfully. We moved out to Pataskala because we wanted to be in the country, but close to a city. There's a horse barn across the street. We have eight acres of woods; the horse folks have almost a hundred more. There used to be several hundred more wooded acres behind us.

And there's the rub -- "used to be."

Columbus is a rapidly expanding city. Or, rather, it's a continuously metastasizing suburban cancer. When we moved here, there was a single development going on, about four miles away. Now, there are probably eight or ten within two miles, and they've been clear-cutting whatever trees they can. This was not what I signed up for.

Athens is growing -- they have a Wal Mart now, as well as a number of other big box stores -- but it's still in the middle of Appalachia. There's only so much it can grow, so fast. Not so Columbus, which seems to have to end of expansionist appetite.

So we're leaving our beloved woods and gardens to live in town, although our new house is still surrounded by trees. On the other hand, the human climate of Athens is much more congenial; Athens County is one of the bluest counties in Ohio, and has a very strong grass roots sustainable agriculture community. Lots of organic farmers and progressive folks working cooperatively. The downside is that the college is a major party school, and downtown Athens is dominated by bars. And it's in the middle of Appalachia.

But it's still home, and I'm raring to get back to it.

Is Wicca Gnostic?

2005-03-10T20:04:00.000-05:00

The actual title of this interesting, and fairly lengthy, post is Are Witches Gnostic? However, the author, Jordan Stratford, is careful to distinguish between Witchcraft and Wicca.

Among the interesting comments made are these:

- Wicca was specifically invented by Gardner to popularize Thelemic Gnosticism (specifically the Gnostic Mass).

- Upon Crowley's death, Lady Freida Harris - the artist of the popular Thoth Tarot - understood Gardner (mistakenly) to be the head of the OTO in Europe. It was viewed by many within Crowley's circle that what Gardner was doing (Wicca) was merely an extension and performance of the Gnostic Mass.

- Gardner's Third Degree Initiation Ritual of the original Wicca is an exact copy of the Gnostic Mass

Honestly, I don't know enough about the history of Thelema & Crowley to say whether or not Stratford is on the level. He does link to an article which outlines the case at considerable length. The essay, called The Secret History of Modern Witchcraft

is a product of some nearly twenty years of research and revision on my part. There are conjectures that might be wrong, and certainly satirical points not intended to be taken at face value, but it is a carefully measured, honest appraisal of the origins of "the old religion" as it has called itself, or Wicca. It is not an attack on a system of religious beliefs.

For those that are interested in such things...enjoy.

Disinfo: Read it and disbelieve

2005-03-10T13:18:00.000-05:00

If you don't get the Disinfo newsletter, you should. It's grand.

To make you feel better after reading about Keanu-as-Sinbad, I'm happy to pass along the rumor that

Jon Hansen is in discussions with Cartoon Network to bring 'Tales of Plush Cthulhu' to your digital television screen. This may include a Santa Cthulhu special

But wait...there's more!

Fiona Horne has returned to Los Angeles after filming a special in Palau, Micronesia that included a death-defying battle with a large Plush Cthulhu

If she lost the titanic battle of Fluffie Barbie vs. Plushie Cthulhu ... who would know?

From The World Is Getting More Like Disinformation.

Nooooooooo!

2005-03-09T21:20:00.000-05:00

Keanu Reeves to be Sinbad the Sailor in upcoming movie

"Matrix" movie star Keanu Reeves has signed on to be Sinbad the Sailor, the legendary character from 'The Arabian Nights' in an upcoming movie set in eighth-century China.

China? What, we can't have an Arabic hero?

At least he's not in one of the Beowulf movies. Sinbad already has a storied history of cinematic suckiness.

I suppose it could be worse. He could be Popeye the Sailor.

"Whoa! Spinach."

10 Things I Have Learned,

2005-03-09T13:34:00.000-05:00

I just ran across this earlier this morning, but I wanted to make mention of it. These are some pieces of wisdom from Milton Glaser, the designer/illustrator who, among other things, came up with the original 'I [heart] NY" logo.

All I ever wanted to do was to make images and create form. This instinct for form-making seems to be something that is very characteristic of our entire species. It's one of the things that almost defines humankind. I like the idea of cultures that do not have an idea of art as a separate activity from their daily life, such as many African groups, where there isn't a word that approaches the idea of art. They are very interested in containing magic but that is another thing. Among the Balinese, there is no word for art. They just say 'we do things the best that we can.' Which is a nice way to think about what we all do. I am going to tell you everything that I know about the practice of design. It is a sort of collage of bits and pieces that I have assembled over 50 years. It includes a lot of things I've said before but I've repackaged them rather attractively. This is what I've learned.

Now, the obvious followup, from a designer, would seem to be things like, "Don't mix stripes and plaid" or "Day-glo is evil, except when it isn't." But that isn't what Glaser's talking about. In fact, most of what he says applies as much to the art of living as to the specifically visual arts.

I think his piece of advice that struck me the most was, "Doubt is better than certainty."

Everyone always talks about confidence and believing in what you do. I remember once going to a class in Kundalini yoga where the teacher said that, spirituality speaking, if you believed that you had achieved enlightenment you have merely arrived at your limitation. I think that is also true in a more practical sense. Deeply held beliefs of any kind prevent you from being open to experience, which is why I find all firmly held ideological positions questionable. It makes me nervous when someone believes too deeply or too much. I think that being sceptical and questioning all deeply held beliefs is essential. Of course we must know the difference between scepticism and cynicism because cynicism is as much a restriction of one's openness to the world as passionate belief is. They are sort of twins.

That line between skepticism and cynicism is often vanishingly thin. And cynicism has a way of shading into contempt. Gods know I've crossed that line more often than I'd like. Curiosity doesn't necessarily kill the cat physically; jadedness and apathy can be real soul-killers.

"I can't meditate!"

2005-03-09T12:58:00.000-05:00

The first thing that actually drew me to mole wasn't the pebble bit, it was this essay about meditation. For years, I said that I couldn't meditate. It was the Number One excuse I used to keep me from trying. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't focus. I couldn't maintain a routine.

Obviously, I finally did decide that I wasn't going to allow that belief to limit me. But I wish I had read this essay years ago, because it probably would have helped make me realize that what I thought was an insurmountable problem, wasn't.

Nowadays people have a different confession to make to me. "I can't meditate," they tell me. The impulse seems much the same. "You may as well know this at once: I'm someone you'll despise. Don't bother trying to teach me. I already know I can't do it." And usually, as with the English confession, [which is, that "I can't write!"] there's a pinch of defiance mixed in: "and you can't make me try to learn it, either."

But in this case I do care. So I usually try to find out what they mean. There are a few people who really can't or shouldn't do quiet meditation -- there are a few conditions, physical and mental, that make it impossible or inadvisable. But these are very rare. Nobody who has confessed to me has referred to such things. What they say is that they sit down, and their minds go crazy; thought piles on thought; their anxiety increases, if anything; and if their minds settle at all, it's only for a moment.

Most experienced meditators will look a little perplexed at this description of meditative failure. "Yes," they'll say, "that's what happens to me, too."

What people usually describe sounds like perfectly good meditation. The problem, apparently, is that they expected something else to happen.

I think it was the combination of avoidance with defiance that struck me. It's like, I knew that meditation would be "good for me," but, like any kid, I wanted to avoid the bitter pills necessary for treatment. Further, that avoidance and defiance made me feel somehow strong inside, even though I knew it was a sham, a dodge.

The last thing I wanted to do was to sit & listen to my thoughts. Listening to the internal dialog of a depressive is less than fun, and I think I was always worried that it would just make the inescapable thought loops that much tighter. It wasn't just that I couldn't control my mind, but that I was its prisoner.

If you've discovered that you can't meditate, you have already learned the first of the only two things meditation has to teach you, to wit, that your mind is not under your control.

And if you want to find out what the second one is, well ... you've got to read the essay.

Back in the Saddle; A Pebble For Your Thoughts?

2005-03-09T12:51:00.000-05:00

I seem to have finally kicked this flu thing (again.) Between that & preparing to move, dealing with contractors, etc., I've gotten behind in my posting here. Time to start catching up, because I've got a whole slew of stuff I'm chewing on.

I'll begin with something brief. Dale, over at mole, had a great idea I feel the need to help perpetuate. It's based on the Jewish tradition of placing a pebble on a gravestone as a sign of remembrance. But I'll let him explain:

It certainly touched a cord with me. Very often I'm moved by a post, but I don't know why. Sometimes I'm not sure I really understand it, or maybe I just have nothing useful or intelligible to say in response, but I come up with a comment just to mark the connection. To leave a stone.

So I'm floating this proposed "emoticon", a little letter 'o' in parentheses, as a stone to leave in comments: (o)

Churchy has no pants...Churchy needs no pants!

2005-03-06T14:30:00.000-05:00

I love The Rude Pundit. Anyone who can make me laugh, make me think, and go past the line of what I consider cringeworthily vile -- which is pretty impressive in & of itself -- is my hero.

Recently, the Rude One took on Bush's faith based free-for-all. His answer? Founding his own church to get a piece of the pie.

See, the Rude Pundit's church'll be all about helpin' the homeless, educatin' the poor. And the only requirement for membership in the Rude Pundit's church - no one can wear pants. Jesus didn't wear pants. Neither did Moses, Abraham, or any prophets. Allah? Pants-free. And Buddha's diaper doesn't count. Yer Wiccan gods barely wear clothes. In the name of the commonality of all faith, spirit, and religion, no pants allowed. Or skirts. Or long robes. Indoors, 'cause it gets cold outside. It'll be the great equalizer, all that cock and pussy free-floating in the chapel.

While we'll have special good works for the pants-attached homeless, we'll host pantsless dinners for the hungry, pantsless adult education courses ('cause we're not fuckin' pedos - no kids allowed - we grown-ups know how much religion fucks up the kids), and, oh, the services in the chapel, all that singin' and swayin' with no pants. If you work at the church, you cannot wear pants at the office. You need pants? Get a job elsewhere 'cause you obviously don't believe in the mission of the church. You may not have pants, but you'll have one hell of a dental plan. Man, the Pantless Church of Rude Punditry for Jesus, Allah, Et Al will be the givingest fuckin' church the world has ever seen. And, 'cause Churchy wanna get paid, we'll apply for that government money, that Faith-Based and Community Initiative cash, and you know what? If George Bush gets his way, our pants-free worship won't matter one little bit.

Of course, I can't read this without thinking of Star Wars: Pants and, even more so, Lord of the Pants.

Gondor has no pants! Gondor needs no pants!

Giant Steps by Michal Levy

2005-03-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

This is just too damned cool. Flash meets Coltrane.

Good Flash animation is rare. This is it.

Spacetime for Springers!

2005-03-04T12:47:00.000-05:00

Gummitch, named after the main character of several Fritz Leiber stories.

Because the blogosphere needs more cat pictures that include UFOs.

The Cross in Space!

2005-03-04T11:56:00.000-05:00

While I'm on a tear of wacky human behaviors inspired by Christian mythology...behold The Cross in Space

The cross will be over You personally! The Cross will be over every Nation on earth! Over Afghanistan! Saudi Arabia! Jerusalem! America! The cross in Space Satellite will be in a Polar orbit from pole to pole. As the earth turns it will pass over every inch of the earth like peeling an apple. The cross will circle the earth every one and a half hours. After launch we can tell you on our site when it will be over you and your nation. We have carried the cross in Every nation. Now we will, God willing have it flying above Every nation! We wave the cross in the face of Satan and proclaim that Jesus is Lord over All the Earth. All glory to God.

Maybe the Satan Wood Drive signs will burst into holy flames as a result of the transformative power of the Circumpolar Cruciform.

It's got to be the cold medicine.

(via Ol Cranky at The Disenchanted Forest, cause she rocks.)

Streets of HELL!!!!

2005-03-04T11:12:00.000-05:00

Columbia, MD residents are tired of living with Satan.

This is just hilarious.

The U-shaped street in Columbia was supposed to be named Satin Wood Drive, based on an obscure poem by a whimsical poet. But the devil, it turns out, was in the details.

About 30 years ago, somewhere between the developer's plans and the county's official map, a misplaced letter doomed the residents of Satan Wood Drive.

"You almost feel ostracized, like you're the black sheep of the village," said Jamie Aycock, 31, an electrical engineer who lives on the block in Hickory Ridge Village. "Sometimes they look at me like I'm a devil worshipper."

I lived in Columbia for about three years, and worked at the Columbia Borders. Columbia is one of the country's older planned communities, started in the 50s, and it still bears the scars. While it isn't as purely white as it would like to be, it tries to forget those discolorations (with the possible exception of the wealthy Asians.) It's the creepiest, most artificial place I've ever lived -- and I grew up in Miami, FL.

Residents have adopted a variety of coping mechanisms. A priest who lives on the street sprinkles holy water around his house each year. Another man obscures the name by giving it a French pronunciation. Others simply call it S Street.

But patience has run thin, and the residents of Satan Wood Drive are petitioning Howard County for a name change. They have collected signatures and begun to raise money, hopeful their days as the butt of demonic jokes are coming to an end.

Their biggest obstacle has been getting people to take the problem seriously: At a recent town budget hearing, as the residents made their case, the meeting erupted in guffaws. "They wouldn't think it was so funny if they had to live on the street," muttered Barbara Chapman, who has lived there four years.

You are so wrong, muttering Ms. Chapman. Because, you see, I am not a prisoner of medieval superstition, and I am not so wrapped up in What Other People Think that I am concerned that others might not be able to handle the diabolic power of a street sign. Booga booga.

In fact, I'd have the best Halloween decorations. Ever.

Jack Kerouac and Silver Ravenwolf

2005-03-03T18:09:00.000-05:00

"Altho really frankly I think an American zendo with no rules and all the cats talking all day when they feel like it and orgies at night with shaktis would be the best thing . . . ." -- Jack Kerouac, letter to Gary Snyder, 1956, quoted in One Bird, One Stone, by Sean Murphy

Subtitled "108 American Zen Stories," One Bird, One Stone is a loose history of Zen in America, a series of dialogs between teachers and students, and a wide-ranging series of anecdotes about various American Zen practitioners drawn from interviews and archives. It's enjoyable on a number of levels; at the most basic, it's extremely entertaining, showcasing a broad array of personalities and experiences. I find it historically interesting, as well, because I know only somewhat about the history of Buddhism in America. While I knew about the Beats and Alan Watts, I didn't know that a Zen master first visited the States in 1893 for the World Parliament of Religions in Chicago. I'd mentally connected the American Transcendentalists (Emerson, Thoreau) with Buddhism, but I hadn't known that Emerson printed Buddhist texts in his magazine, while Thoreau drew inspiration from the Lotus Sutra for his retreat to Walden.

And, of course, the stories are often enlightening in and of themselves:

An electric news screen has a lot of lightbulbs and shows letters by lighting some of them up . . . . When you look at it from afar, it certainly seems as though the letters are flowing, but when you go up close and look at it, it is just some lightbulbs going on and off, and there is not a single flowing letter. In the same way as that, everything in the universe seeming to exist and seeming to be active is completely untrue. . . .

Everything in the universe is like that.

Yasutani Roshi, One Bird, One Stone, p37

What has struck me the most, however, is how similar, in some ways, the rise of Zen in the 50s and 60s parallels the rise of Paganism since then -- and the differences are just as intriguing.

The way that Kerouac talked about Buddhism, as encapsulated by the quote at the top of the post, sounds very much to me like a Pagan festival. For that matter, the initial view of Zen in the West has a lot in common with Paganism. The first great popularizer of Zen in the West, D.T. Suzuki, although formally trained, consciously transformed traditional Japanese Zen practice. As author Sean Murphy puts it:

Suzuki's eloquent writings about the freedom inherent to Zen, its iconoclasm, distrust of authority, and absence of ritual or dogma, sent a compelling message to an American society whose spiritual traditions appeared to be running out of steam.

Thus have I heard many American Pagans praising their own paths. And, since Paganism is a recent creation (albeit partly based on older forms) there's nothing to gainsay this view. Not so Zen.

Some of these statements, however, have turned out to be, strictly speaking, not entirely accurate -- as many of the Zen boomers discovered when they went on to train with traditional masters and discovered that form and hierarchy were very much in place. . . . Suzuki frequently neglected to mention the essential practice of zazen. Why?

I once asked an American Zen priest, a vocal admirer of Suzuki, what he thought the reason was for these omissions.

"He was trying to invent a new tradition," replied the priest. "He felt that Asian forms had grown stale and the spirit had gone out of the practice. He was trying to save it by creating a new Zen of the West -- a Zen Westerners could handle. That he could handle. And he probably thought trying to get us to actually sit still and be silent was a hopeless mission!"

One Bird, One Stone, p45

As I lay in bed last night, somewhat delirious, all of this went swirling about, keeping me from the sleep I needed. Somehow, Suzuki became Scott Cunningham, and Kerouac became Silver Ravenwolf. Look, Ananda -- fluffy Buddhists!

But, then, the mind whirled on -- if that were some kind of parallel, how come Zen got Kerouac and Ginsberg and Gary Snyder and Philip Whelan and John Cage? What'd Paganism get ... Stevie Nicks & Godsmack?

Of course, I heard the Greek chorus in my head, "Oh, but Pagans are persecuted against. How can we get anything out there, since everyone thinks we're Satanists?" I am sure that no Zen Buddhist, Japanese or American, ever experienced difficulties on account of the fact that the US had just gone to war with Japan. The 50s being a time of great acceptance and all.

Furthermore, Zen does have an actual series of traditions, of discipline, of an aim beyond "what feels right." Some Pagan trads do, some are trying to, but most are stuck in solipsistic ego preening. I used to think that form, discipline, and devotion were traps for the weak, that authority only existed to be resisted. I was so wrong. "Emptiness is not other then form and form is not other then emptiness." I think a stick upside the head, or maybe just a hearty, "Kwatz!" would do them some good.

But that just may be the cold medicine talking.

Brief update

2005-03-02T13:10:00.000-05:00

Well, the success I mentioned in my last post was, indeed, a success.

We closed on our new house on Monday, and spent the night there, and nearly spent the night again last night because of the snowstorm. We came back to ~8" of snow, with drifts that were more than 2' deep. Very exciting.

I'm supposed to leave tomorrow to go the Southwest, the culmination of a dream. Unfortunately, I think that the evil flu -- which already laid me low once this winter -- may be back. I'm supposed to see the doc this afternoon & I'll see what she says.

I didn't get a chance to sit yesterday, which was disappointing, but I did today. I don't like missing days; for one thing, my practice is still so tenuous that it totally throws my groove off, as it were. For another, it's always a struggle for me to change my routine, and even a minor slip-up can cause problems.

If I don't update tomorrow, I'm off to the desert. I may or may not get a chance to update while I'm gone; I'll have my laptop, but I expect I'll be more interested in going & doing than staying in. I'm due to come back late on the 11th.

A Small Victory?

2005-02-27T14:39:00.000-05:00

I've been really bad about taking my Prozac for the past several days, and it started taking its toll this morning. I don't know why I've been such a dork about it, probably because I've been very caught up in thoughts about houses, moving, and traveling. The new house closes tomorrow at 1 in Athens. The old house still isn't on the market, which is a long and annoying story. On Thursday, we leave for the Southwest; we'll be gone for a week. Admittedly, choosing to travel right now was probably foolish, but we both really wanted to go away, and there's a Steve Roach concert in Tucson on Saturday, so it seemed a good excuse. It will work out OK, I know; hopefully, we can have some of the contracting on the new house done while we're away.

But I digress, as usual.

So, this morning, I realized that the non-Prozac'd state had caught up with me. Lethargy, anxiety, generally dark thoughts, and more abounded. First, I took my Prozac for the day (I notice the lack within 3-6 days of no pills; it usually takes 1-3 days before I'm back to 'normal.' Yes, this is somewhat atypical, but I have always responded to SSRIs, in particular, very, very quickly.) Barbara & I made a list of what needed to get done today, and that gave me some structure. But the thought-loops, as I call them, were still out of control. I was sure that meditation -- which I was determined not to forgo -- would be impossible.

I was wrong. Actually, it seemed to help. I've been slowly learning to be able to step back from my thoughts, to observe them without being overwhelmed by them. It's still very hit and miss, to say the least, but I can recognize improvement. One of the challenges is to experience the thoughts/feelings without being overwhelmed by them. Denying them winds up giving them more power, and keeps me from bare attention.

Today, I was able to watch the thought loops, the narratives, the sensations of anxiety and self-loathing, and step back from them enough that they no longer had power over me. The catch, of course, is that this was within the formalized meditation experience, where I could be very mindful of breath and external sounds, and could detach myself from worrying about what was and what will be. Outside of meditation, of course, that's much harder -- I'm stuck in the phenomenal world of time and necessity. So the test will be if I am able to maintain that equanimity throughout the rest of the day, at least in some small form. I'll report back later with the results.

Where There's Magic, There's Buddha

2005-02-27T13:15:00.000-05:00

From The Japan Times Online.

I dunno about this.

Two scholars, David R. Loy & Linda Goodhew, have written a book called The Dharma of Dragons and Daemons, whihc attempts to find Buddhist messages in modern fantasy stories, including Tolkien and Pullman.

Tolkien, for example, was a devout Catholic and, as Loy and Goodhew note, his "fantasy world is built on a radical and quite un-Buddhist dualism between unredeemable evil (Sauron, Saruman) and uncompromising goodness (Gandalf, Frodo)." He created, though, a modern myth, and, as the authors point out, "myths have a way of growing beyond their creator's intentions."

Tolkien might have been surprised to learn, for example, that "in Buddhist terms, [Frodo and Sam] become bodhisattvas," but when one considers, with Loy and Goodhew, that Frodo does not choose to have his adventure, but rather that the journey he embarks upon in order to destroy the ring is inescapable, one sees that the authors' argument is plausible.

As wedded to dualism as "The Lord of the Rings" is, the selflessness of Frodo's response to the needs of the world can be read as an example of how one acts when one understands that one is not "other" than the world. Frodo and Sam, having let go of the dualism that separates self from world, become exemplars of socially engaged Buddhism. Readers may have thought they picked up Tolkien solely for the sense of wonder his work can inspire, but even as they are entertained they can learn, from Frodo and Sam, a lesson about how to be in a world often less than wonderful.

This analysis is as convoluted and improbable as the Lorax bit. It reminds me of the way that many, especially new, Pagans will go through their favorite novels, CDs, comics, RPGs, etc. to find the secret Pagan message, blithely ignoring any contrary evidence. For that matter, it's as flawed an analysis as seeing LOTR as purely Christian.

Miyazaki is the only artist considered whose cultural background suggests he may actually be a Buddhist, but religion, Buddhist or otherwise, plays little overt role in his work. Rather, Loy and Goodhew explain, "his deepest spiritual concerns are assimilated into the plots as central themes," and these themes are never simple. His films avoid, for example, the sort of dualities that provide the conflicts that drive so many narratives.

This is an interesting point. Since Buddhism tends to eschew duality, it follows that those from a strongly Buddhist-inflected culture will not be as likely to see the world in purely dualistic ways. But, on the other hand, any great art is going to defy simple, pat dualism in favor of more sophisticated systems. And it isn't as if there aren't Chinese and Japanese stories that don't contain stark duality.

I haven't read Pullman, for whatever reason. I've read more about him, mostly in the form of arguments between online friends over the way he treats religion. So it comes as no surprise that Pullman's works would be problematic for Loy and Goodhew.

Those of us who are not convinced that "generosity, loving-kindness, and wisdom" must necessarily be linked with spirituality will find Philip Pullman's secular and humanistic vision in his "Dark Materials" more congenial than Loy and Goodhew, who worry that Pullman may be "throwing the spiritual baby out along with the dogmatic authoritarian bath water of monotheism."

That disposing of the spiritual baby may be the right move is not a lesson they choose to highlight. As it is not their brief to find secular, materialist lessons in the works they are explicating, this omission is neither surprising nor, in the end, damaging.

It's an interesting idea, all around ... the idea of Western fantasy lit informed by Eastern worldviews. Ursula LeGuin's works often qualify, for example; while the Japan Times article doesn't mention this, the book's catalog entry notes that LeGuin is treated. Since fantasy often treats in issues of spirituality, I think it's interesting to contemplate a fantasy work by a Westerner which is informed by Buddhist ethics and worldview, yet isn't an Orientalist pastiche.

The Secret Alchemy of Dr. Seuss

2005-02-26T22:26:00.000-05:00

Why am I not surprised that this is from Endicott Studios?

To say that this article seems to be trying to make a silk purse from a Truffula Tree would be, itself, an overstatement, although it's certainly got some fun stuff. The discussion of the secret of Seussess is valuable, if obvious and incomplete: Seuss's rhymes were brilliant, and liberally coated with mental Super Glue, but there's far more to Seuss than his verbal music.

For one thing, there's his intention to liberate:

In later interviews, Seuss was always quite honest about his rhetorical intentions. He referred directly to the influence of writers like Belloc, Swift, and Voltaire, and did not hesitate to refer to his own radical and revolutionary ideas. "Im subversive as hell!" he once declared. He said of his Cat in the Hat: "Its revolutionary in that it goes as far as Kerensky and then stops. It doesnt go quite as far as Lenin." Seuss was a writer fully aware of his political and rhetorical intentions (much like George Orwell, whose Animal Farm is often read in elementary schools), and he crafted his literary tools to most effectively deliver his charged messages.

This subversiveness is another staple of kidlit, but Seuss twins it with an all too rare quality: true whimsy. Further, it's not a cruel subversion, but a liberating one. This liberation doesn't rely on arcane anagrams or esoteric symbolism.

L O R A X is an anagram that breaks down into three symbolic clusters: AO, RX, and L. AO represents Alpha and Omega (O -- Omnicron -- here is a substitute for W -- Omega -- in keeping with the transformation of the Greek to Roman alphabets). These two letters, as we know, symbolize Christ, who said, "I am the Alpha and the Omega." RX (as I discuss in my column on the Caduceus), is usually taken to mean "prescription" as in the pharmacists symbol, but it actually comes from another transformation of Greek to Roman alphabets; the R and X represent Rho and Chi, which in the Greek alphabet are P and X. Chi and Rho are the first two letters in Christos, or Christ. The X written over the P is the typical Chiro recognized as the symbol for Christ.

I am reminded of painful high school explorations of Christ symbolism in every piece of literature that appeared in the syllabus. I am also reminded of Alan Sokal's infamous hoaxing of post-modernism.

Seuss's genius is that of the trickster, who is both irresistibly lovable and insanely irritating. Even when there is darkness or destruction, as in The Lorax or The Butter Battle Book or The Sneetches, it is also both funny and aesthetically beautiful. One of the weaknesses of Fenkl's article is that it only attends to Seuss's words, with only occasional acknowledgement of the weird beauties of Seuss's art. I don't think you can separate the two. The Cat in the Hat is every bit as visually iconic as he is in terms of character or action. Seuss's artistic world is weird and beautiful, liberating the viewer from conventional perspective and reality, but without becoming ugly.

At around the same time Seuss was coming up with the Cat, the wacky loons down at Termite Terrace were refining and perfecting the art of American animation. It was in the late forties and fifties that many of the best of the Warner Brothers cartoons were made. Recently, Barbara & I picked up both of the Looney Tunes DVD sets. I had been having a major hankering for some good toons, and so I glutted. I hadn't seen many of them in decades, and it was amazing to me how many of them were so incredibly, beautifully surreal. There's a whole toon where Bugs enters Elmer's dreams, after Elmer decides to give up on hunting Bugs, and tears up his WB contract. It's trippy!

Coincidentally, a friend posted a picture of the "new" Bugs Bunny. Oh, yes ... in an attempt to pump ratings, WB is retooling Bugs, Daffy, Taz, Wile E, the Road Runner, and Lola Bunny, as Dark and Dangerous (tm) superheroes. If The Dark Knight Returns hadn't been so good, I'd want to kill Frank Miller right about now. But I digress.

This caused much outrage among those who saw the pic, and there was much discussion about how the original Looney Tunes characters were gentle icons of childhood & how Bugs never started anything, but just responded to those who were out to get him. These new ones were an abomination against that sweet memory of yore.

Bah.

One of the greatest things about the Looney Tunes is that they don't overly sugar coat; there are strong helpings of both love & cruelty. In that sense, they're more like Grimm's fairy tales than the Disney versions of the same stories (which I generally dislike as painfully flattened, sugar-coated, and overall reduced to the lowest common denominator.)

What I dislike about the Loonatics is that they go in the exact opposite direction as Disney -- in order to be appealing, they are dark rather than light, sharp rather than soft, and generally seem to repudiate any of those gentler qualities. It's the same error in the opposite direction. The best Looney Tunes chart a pitch perfect course between the two poles.

Seuss does the same thing. That's why he's brilliant, not because of some cockamamie Dr. Seuss Code.

[Thanks be to Tim Boucher, Occult Investigator, for the link to The Secret Alchemy of Dr. Seuss. Go read his blog. It's ultraterrestrially good.]

Bow wow wow

2005-02-25T16:43:00.000-05:00

I always bow after I meditate. It's strange to think about, because I'm both fully prostrating myself, yet, at the same time, I'm not bowing to anyone. I won't. But, still, it's profoundly moving to me to do so; sometimes, when my actual sitting was very rough, when my mind was on everything except my breath, the bowing is particularly profound. It's a reminder of why I am doing this -- not because I want to be a Spirichul Guy, but because I want to be a free, clear and open conduit, to be able to give fully of who & what I am to all that is. Bowing is that, in microcosm. All the nervousness, the aches, the self-admonitions that I can't get out of my head sometimes -- often -- when I sit, I can just release, let go, when I bow. It's a peculiar alchemy.